5 Signs He’s Not That Into You post image

5 Signs He’s Not That Into You


There is nothing more exasperating in the world of dating than a guy who seems really interested, but then also maybe not…but then yes…but no again. I’ve been there, and I know most of you have based on the comments and e-mails we receive.

When a guy really likes you, it’s usually pretty obvious. So too when a guy doesn’t like you. The uncertainty usually runs rampant if a guy seems to fall somewhere in between.

He disappears for days at a time and then texts you the sweetest message you’ve ever received. He says he really cares about you, but doesn’t really act like it. And while you’re on this topsy-turvy ride, all you want to know is does this guy like me or not?! You see, a guy can be somewhat interested, but not into it. Instead of seeing it for what it is, women make up excuses and justifications to rationalize the bad behavior away. They say he’ sending mixed messages or playing games or is afraid of getting hurt.

Ladies, my many years of dating and writing about dating have taught me one thing: there are no mixed messages. Either he’s into you or he’s not.

Here are five tell-tale signs that he’s not:

1. He doesn’t ask you about yourself or your life – If a guy shows no interest or excitement over finding out who you are, it’s bad news bears. I dated a guy like this once and it was the strangest thing. He literally asked me nothing about myself! And when I offered up pieces of information it didn’t even register. When I told him I write about relationships for a living there wasn’t even a flicker or intrigue (I mean, I know I’m not curing cancer here but come on!).

When we like someone, we can’t get enough. We want to know every story, every detail. My litmus test in determining how much I like a guy is how much I want to know about him. If after a date I feel satisfied and literally don’t have any questions I feel were left unanswered, it’s onto the next. If he shows no interest in your life, your hobbies, what you enjoy, he’s really just not all that interested in you.

MORE: 5 Tell-tale Signs He Likes You
2. He doesn’t reveal things about himself. On the other side of the coin, if a guy doesn’t tell you anything about himself, it  also means he’s not really feeling it. When we share information about ourselves with someone, we are investing in them. We are inviting them into our world because we see the potential for them to become a part of it. When a guy sees no such potential, he’ll offer up the bare minimum. You’ll get the basics: where he’s from, where he went to school, how he got into such and such line of work….all the things you can just as easily find out on Facebook and Linkedin.

If a guy is into you, he will open up and will peel back that outer layer. He might not necessarily bring out all the skeletons in his closet to play, but he will share information that is more real. There is a big different between knowing about someone and knowing someone.

3. Waits too long to set up the next date-   If you go out with a guy and he makes no indication of ever wanting to see you again, or he waits a few days to call (it’s one thing to do this after the first date, quite another to keep doing it after the second, third, or fourth), it means he’s on the fence about you and isn’t really feeling it. Why does he continue asking you out? Probably because he has nothing else on the horizon and… why not? If a guy is into you, he’ll make it known that he wants another date. He might mention other date ideas he has for the two of you (he’ll find a way to slide it in there, like you say you love Indian food and him being like “I know a great Indian restaurant I’ll take you to next time), or he’ll flat out tell you he wants to see you again.

4. He gives you excuses about why he didn’t call-  He’s busy, he’s stressed at work, he has a million things going on, blah blah blah. If he’s into you, it doesn’t matter how busy he is, he’ll take 30 of the 86400 seconds in a day to reach out to you, even if it’s just to send a quick text. A guy pulling out the excuses early on is always a bad omen.  There’s no stability or certainty in the beginning of a relationships. For all he knows you have a line of guys waiting for their shot with you. If he’s into you, he won’t risk some other guy snatching you up while he was “too busy” working on a project.

Another bad sign is if he doesn’t call when he says he will.  If a guy says he’ll call you tomorrow and then doesn’t call until two or three days later, it means you’re just not a priority to him and he’s neither here nor there with the relationship. If you wanna go out with him again, great. If you start dating someone else, whatever. If a guy is into you, he’ll call when he says he will.

Looking back on my own extensive dating history, the guys who called when they said they would were the ones who were serious and very into me. And things never lasted more than three dates with the guys who made me sweat it out. When a guy likes you, he’ll bring his A-game. Men are competitive by nature. No guy is gonna let a girl he likes get snatched up by some other dude.

5. You can’t tell if he’s interested. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, when a guy likes you, it’s obvious…as in no secret codes or hidden clues to uncover. If you have a suspicion that he’s not feeling it, it’s probably because he isn’t (I recommend you read my article on the importance of trusting your gut for more on this). What women call “mixed messages” is actually one very clear message: he doesn’t want to be with you. He may want to hang out with you, but that is not the same as being with you.

I know this one is the hardest to digest and you’ll probably fight it with all your might and think that your own insecurities are the reason you suspect he’s not interested….and not the fact that he might actually not be interested.

If a guy wants you, you’ll know it. He won’t make it a mystery, he won’t try to confuse you. In fact, he’ll do the opposite, he’ll make it clear as day that he’s interested so as not to risk losing you.

Got more signs a guy isn’t interested? Tell us what you got in comments!

{ 19 comments… add one }

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Chris

How about the woman says “I love Indian food… I know a great Indian restaurant I’ll take YOU to next time.” This whole article implies such passivity on the part of the woman.

Reply December 20, 2014, 2:01 pm

kerry

my coworker asked me and my gf if it was ok for him to fart in front of us is this normal or is he trying to tell us something please help me

Reply November 18, 2014, 1:27 pm

mike

can someone answer this question my coworker was in the office yesterday with my gf and I and he asked us both if it was ok for him to fart in front of us is this natural or is he trying to do tell us something please help

Reply November 18, 2014, 1:25 pm

Frances

Woops! In my comment immediately below, the following sentence should read: But now the SECOND man seems to be losing interest in me, as I haven’t really given him any clues to how much I am attracted to him.

Reply November 17, 2014, 6:43 am

Frances

I have been with a man in a very unhappy relationship for a number of years. He is going through an extremely pressing personal crisis and because of this I have been hanging on to see if things improve once the deadline has passed for this particular issue he has to resolve. We have not had sex for months and his health is bad. However, he is not willing to buy ED drugs, even though the free samples he got from the doctor do work and allow some functionality. But he ran out months ago. And we fight all the time. Meantime I met a very nice man who is obviously interested in me on the sexual level. He even told me he likes me. He knows nothing about me really, though. He doesn’t know about my relationship. I didn’t feel ready to tell him that I am also interested in him, since I feel obligated to see how the first relationship goes, especially since we’ve been involved for years and I want to give him one last chance. But now the first man seems to be losing interest in me, as I haven’t really given him any clues to how much I am attracted to him. I just told him a few months ago “I have a lot of major things going on in my life that I don’t want to talk about right now” and I left it at that. So if the first guy and I resolve our issues and patch things up, then it won’t matter about the second guy. But if I do leave the first guy — and there is a very good chance that this is what will happen — I wonder if there is anything I can do to pick up with the second guy now that he probably thinks I’m not interested. When I didn’t give him a resounding “I like you too” response, he probably concluded that I just want to be friends and that is maybe why he gave up trying to communicate on any meaningful level. And I have been afraid to try to talk with him now, for fear of looking like I’m chasing him or getting too heavy by having “a talk” which guys always hate. But when I saw him at a business meeting since then, I could tell he is still attracted on that physical level. But again not interested in talking anymore, which seemed to stop when I didn’t give him anything to think that I like him back that day he told me he likes me. I really suspect that when I didn’t say “I like you too” that he concluded I just want to be friends and that I’m not interested in him sexually — which I am. So now I am very confused about what to do or not to do. Should I wait until things are clear one way or the other with the first guy and risk losing out on the new one as more time passes? Or should I try to let the new guy know how I feel even if I am not ready to make a move? Or should I not do anything and wait and see if the new guy starts to communicate with me again on a more personal level? Or . . . ?

Reply November 17, 2014, 6:38 am

Sunny

Ok, is it the same if he’s shy / timid with girls. I am with guys. And the above just doesn’t apply for me anyway.

Reply October 25, 2014, 12:26 am

Amber

I recently had my first experience with a guy who seems to be in the middle. He told me he liked me but he didn’t act on it. He never asks me about myself and he doesn’t tell me much about himself either, even when I ask. This kind of hurt me because I just recently decided to open my heart up again so I can move on from my past. But after this guy, it really just showed me how I’m not ready to be hurt again. I think I’ll close my heart again for another year or so and just enjoy my life. Dating is just too frustrating and I’m at a point in my life where I don’t need any more unnecessary stress. I’m throwing in the towel for now.

Reply October 20, 2014, 12:12 am

Gail Charles

He rather stay out play with my feelings an use every things but i have to wait for time or money

Reply June 28, 2014, 3:50 am

Tanya

My boy is from england and I live in America, we chat and all of that but, I don’t know if he is really into me. We chat everyday, tell jokes, he always tell me how much he want to be with me and how much he loves me (he had even made wedding plans and kids! and im not interested in that right now) and then he start talking about us having sex.
I want to know if he only want to make out or he really loves me.

Reply June 5, 2014, 10:44 pm

Kelly Ann

I really enjoy these blogs, but my situation is more complicated to really know if the guy that I’m crazy about is interested in me. That’s because my child goes to a school where this man works in & I think that it would be close to impossible for anything to happen because it would be a conflict of interest. No, he’s not the Principal of the school, but close. I have been looking to move out of the town I live in, but for other reasons & I think that then is when I will truly know whether this man will be open to a friendship with me or possibly something more, but until that happens I can honestly say that my hands are tied.

Reply April 16, 2014, 7:07 pm

Tuiou

When your boyfriend makes you get off the bed so that he can have sex with his other girlfriend. I let this go for a long time, thinking I might be able to get back in bed with him. Then I realized, he wasn’t into me.

Reply March 19, 2014, 8:01 pm

Jen

I agree with all the comments – this type of thing is extremely frustrating! I’ve been talking to this guy for a few months and we’ve been on a few nice dates. He seems really interested and is super friendly and enthusiastic. But I just have no idea how he feels. And I don’t know if I should bring it up with him and ask him how he feels, or if I should just keep talking to him to see where it goes! Grrrr! It’s also been about a month since our last ‘date’… and yet he’s still talking to me daily (with great enthusiasm and kindness) but hasn’t asked me out again! I’m so confused.

Reply March 15, 2014, 6:48 am

Connie

Yes I agree with some points here. A guy I’m into at the moment will tell me about his life, his family in Europe, he introduced me to his sister, everyone said he liked me, literally be in the same room with me but he won’t call me at all when he said he will. I have texted him several times but he’d make excuses to not see me. He has emotional baggage and he has commitment issues. I can tell he’s interested in me but I can’t tell if he’d like to date me.

Reply March 6, 2014, 2:30 pm

Jennifer

Ok so I tried calling the guy I liked yesturday cuz I wondered why he didn’t get back to my message so I called uesturday he didnt pick up but he did leave a message saying Hey I’m at the gym right now I’ll call you when I leave it was 9:58 when I called and he sent me this . I was waiting till he was done but never got a call back what happened did he forget??

Reply February 28, 2014, 6:12 am

Ally

Freakin’ a this is exactly what I’m going through right now and the writing’s on the wall..but damn it’s so frustrating. Why the hell do they still contact you if there’s no interest, it’s like so hard to move on because you keep hoping that there might be something there. It is seriously one of the most frustrating things about dating, but thanks for posting. I just have to refer back to this when I go through this situation again.

Reply January 3, 2014, 2:15 am

Cindy

Yes! I’m going through the same thing! It sucks when guys won’t just tell you how they feel. Obviously it will suck because you like them, but hey, i would rather someone be honest with me and let me know straight up because I would do the same. I’m at the point where I’ve stepped back and made no contact. That’s the only true way of knowing how they feel about you. If they want you, they will get concerned after they realize they haven’t heard from you, and they will contact you. If they don’t, they didn’t care. Yes, it is hard, veeeeery hard, lol, seems like it’s a constant emotional roller coaster, but you have to stop contacting them. It might take some time but you will get through it!

Reply January 24, 2014, 4:03 pm

Daph

There’s this guy friend of mine who was totally into me like 80% of all the signs listed in every article on the internet match with his behaviour.. We had met at a tuition 3 months before and had started liking each other for only a month. This was back in March ’13 when we were having our exams. The last time I saw him he was all tensed and asked me if I would appear for the exams again, and that he would re-appear (coz he reckoned his didn’t go well.)
After that day he has been out of touch with everyone I know! I sent him a text recently; he didn’t respond again.. I’m just so curious what happened! :(

Reply December 30, 2013, 10:17 am

Kat

The same thing happened to me. Me and this guy liked each other and we would talk endlessly. Then one day he just gradually stopped. And now I text him and don’t always get replys. Or I’ll see him in person and he’ll talk to me but not on the same level as before. What the heck

Reply May 28, 2014, 12:26 am

Rezzie

This isn’t my experience, but this is one sign which is one of the things you guys say a lot. A guy is definitely not into you if he says things like ‘I’m not looking for anything serious’ but he still goes out with you and you think the relationship might still be headed for the long term. Nuh uh. He might be into you a little, but not into you enough to really make you his girlfriend.

I also wanted to add one of the things that might make you think he’s not into you that much but he probably is, and just has a different way of showing it. That’s the whole ‘saying I love you’ situation. I get now that there are some guys who just aren’t comfortable saying ‘I love you’ but they are very demonstrative in showing it. You just have to be receptive, and it’s probably far better for a guy to show it and not speak the words at all than a guy to claim the words but treat you like muck.

Reply December 5, 2013, 9:23 pm

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