5 Things Every Girl Needs to Know About Men post image

5 Things Every Girl Needs to Know About Men


Men and women. Women and men. We’re not that different yet we can’t seem to figure each other out. Don’t despair, I have a little secret that is sure to perk you up: men–yes those creatures who are so often the bane of our very existence, the ones who puzzle us and tear us apart inside, the ones that cause so much grief but always keep us coming back for more–are not all that difficult to understand. In fact, I think I have an easier time explaining why men do things than I do with women.

I have been writing about relationships for a while now and over the years I have noticed some prominent points of confusion, ones that seem to be shared by women of all ages from all around the world (no exaggeration). I can relate to all the questions we receive on a personal level because once upon a time, I too was banging my head against the table in an effort to understand why.

It wasn’t an easy process, but I eventually reached a point where it all made sense and all my questions and confusions suddenly evaporated. Fortunately, I’m not the selfish type and am more than happy to share everything I’ve learned.

Read on for universal male truths that can save your relationship and your sanity.
1. He doesn’t care about the texts (and neither should you!)

I don’t know what the biggest relationship concern was back in the days of touch-tone phones, but these days, it’s all about a guy’s texting habits: why he used to text so much in the beginning and then stopped, why he takes so long to reply, why he disappears for days at a time, why his texts are so short etc. etc. The really sad/funny thing is men have NO idea how intensely their texting habits are being scrutinized. None!

There are all kinds of reasons why this is such an issue for women and why men are so oblivious to it, reasons we’ve discussed at length in previous articles, but the takeaway is that this whole thing is a a non-issue for men. Most men see texting as nuisance. Yeah, they’ll text a lot in the beginning when they’re trying to win you over, but it’s not sustainable or realistic to continue at that level indefinitely. In the beginning, it’s all new and fresh and if he’s really into you he will be thinking about you a lot and will feel the urge to text you frequently. After some time has passed and the relationship is a bit more established, this urge isn’t as pressing and it begins to feel like work.

Sadly, a lot of relationships collapse before they even get off the ground because the girl can’t handle the sudden decrease in daily texts and instead of dealing with it, she lashes out at the guy and demands explanations for every text he doesn’t reply to. The mistake that many make is thinking that the sudden drop in texts means he’s losing interest or doesn’t care. That’s not usually the case, though. Most often, he’s just settling back into his normal routine.

You can’t measure the depth of a relationship by the amount of texts receive on average per day or how much time has elapsed in between each text. You measure the depth of a relationship by the quality of the time you spend with that person. You can spend all day going back and forth with some guy about nonsense. This doesn’t mean you have a great and profound relationship, it doesn’t really mean…anything.

MORE- Ask a Guy: When a Guy Doesn’t Text Back

Guys don’t think about relationships as often as women do, it’s just not where their head is at. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, it’s just not a central point of focus. Countless studies have shown that women primarily gain their sense of worth and self-esteem through their interpersonal relationships while men measure their worth based on their ability to have an impact in the world and contribute in a meaningful way.

If a man is at work, then that is the sole center of his world and nothing exists outside of that. The fact that a man doesn’t text you as much or as often as you’d like doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, he’s usually just focusing on something else and most men have a difficult time seeing beyond a given task at hand. This is hard for most women to understand because women can switch from one task to the next and back again with much more ease.

2. Men communicate through actions more than words
We get a lot of questions that go something like: “I’m really confused, my boyfriend says he’s crazy about me and I’m the most amazing/wonderful/smart/funny/etc girl he’s ever dated but he always blows me off and he can’t hang out and doesn’t have time to talk on the phone or text back or take me out on dates and I really only see him late at night when he feels like it.” Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but close enough. Men intuitively know that words are important to women. Some men exploit this by saying things they don’t really feel or believe in order to get what they want and other men hold back from expressing how they truly feel, knowing that once the words are out there the dynamic of the relationship will irrevocably be altered.

If a guy says he’ll do anything for you and then calls late at night and begs you to come over, claiming to be too tired to make the drive over to your place, then he has a very loose definition of anything! If he says he really cares about you and misses you but then goes days or weeks without calling or making time to see you because he’s swamped at work, or some excuse along those lines, what he’s really saying is you’re not important enough to make time for.

The opposite is also true, a guy may not be saying something with his words and instead, express how he’s feeling through actions.  For instance, let’s say a woman is in a truly amazing relationship. The only problem is her man has yet to say those three not so little words. She may start to obsess over why he hasn’t said it and what it means. While she’s trapped in her head, she’ll ignore all the amazing things he does for her, the things that should show her beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves her!

Love is a big and scary word for a lot of guys. This doesn’t mean they’re incapable of feeling love, it just means they can often have a hard time saying it out loud. Women get so tripped up in relationships by honing in on the words while it’s really the actions that say it all. If he is there for you, if he is considerate of you, if he goes out of his way for you, if he opens up to you, he loves you.

MORE: How to Men Show Their Love?

Look, I don’t think I’m making any radical claims by saying men are the less communicative of the two genders. If you want to know where he really stands, pay closer attention to what he’s doing and put less emphasis on what he is and isn’t saying.

3. They want to give and make you happy, they just don’t always know how

Hold onto your seats ladies, this might come as a major shock: men want to make you happy. Yes, that is correct. I know it can sometimes feel like he’s intentionally trying to make your life more difficult, and while he may be driving you nuts, deep down all he really wants is to provide for you and give you what you need. The only problem is he has no idea how to do it.

Men aren’t women (sorry to throw another shocker at you there!). They aren’t able to intuit the nuances and decipher the clues. If you want him to give you what you want, tell him what it is that you want! The trick is to do it in a way that’s encouraging, not one that’s threatening, demanding, or nagging. When he does something you like and appreciate, acknowledge it and reward him for it. Show him how happy it made you when he did such and such. Nothing is more attractive and appealing to a man than a woman who is thoroughly happy with him. When he sees he can make you happy, he will be motivated to do whatever he can to keep you happy.

You might be thinking: “But I always tell him what I want and he still doesn’t do it! I tell him all the time to bring me flowers and call me more and take me out and nothing changes!” In this case, yes, you’re telling him what you want but you’re doing it in a way that makes him not want to give it to you. If you discourage him or nag him, he will feel defeated and will withdraw from you. The best strategy is to ask for and encourage what you want without complaining about what you don’t want.

4.  He’ll get over his baggage if he thinks he’s going to lose you

Whether it’s a breakup, a demanding schedule, a stressful job, a painful past, it will become a non-issue the minute a man thinks he’s losing you. Guys will resort to all kinds of excuses to avoid being in an exclusive relationship–this usually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his natural aversion to being tied down (more on this in #5). If he knows that he can give you some excuse about still being devastated over his last relationship and you’ll stick around, then you can be sure said “broken heart”  won’t be mending anytime soon. If he senses you will leave if he doesn’t commit (or if you actually go ahead and say this isn’t what you want and actually cut the chord), he’ll get his act together….fast!

MORE: How Guys Deal With Breakups 

It may sound like an immature game, but why would he (or should he) put in more effort when he can get the exact same reward? If you find a Chanel dress on sale for $20 would you absolutely insist on paying the original market value of $2000? I mean, that’s how much the dress is worth. The obvious answer is no, you wouldn’t. If you can get something for less you will happily take it and would be a fool to offer more than the minimum amount.

This happens in relationships all the time. If a man scores an amazing girl who is there for him no matter what, he won’t put in an ounce of effort more than is necessary to keep her around. If a man really cares about you and knows you’ll leave if he doesn’t commit, he will forget his ex-girlfriend’s name and commit to you in a heartbeat. He won’t delay for a second and risk some other guy swooping in and snatching you up. And if he doesn’t commit and still insists he can’t give you what you want? Well, he was probably never that into you to begin with and it’s better to know before you get in too deep.

5. Their number one concern is losing their freedom, always.

In the interest of making your life better and your understanding of men crystal clear, I’m gonna skip the sugar-coating and cut right to the heart of it: men are terrified of losing their freedom. It may sound ridiculous or immature but it’s the truth. This is the reason men are so afraid of commitment, it’s the reason they withdraw when a relationship deepens, it’s the reason they go hot and cold, it’s pretty much the reason behind almost every relationship issue you’ve ever had. Does this mean all men want to run around and sleep with every female that crosses their path? No. However, they will do whatever they can to hold onto the fact that they can go out and do whatever, whenever, for as long as possible.

Men don’t want to be locked down or shackled to the proverbial ball and chain. The nature of a man is to seek newness, men love to live in a world of unlimited possibilities.

You might be the most wonderful girlfriend in the whole world, but he still won’t abandon his inherent need to be free. The best thing you can possibly do is continue to have a strong sense of self and a life outside the relationship. Don’t rely on him to be the sole center of your universe because the second he feels that kind of pressure, he’ll run. The second you start pressuring him and demanding to know where he’s been and why he hasn’t called or texted and why he’s being shady or quiet or moody, he will feel like he’s losing his freedom and he’ll withdraw. If you persist and hound him further, he’ll keep withdrawing until he’s nothing more than a distant memory in your life.

If you continue to have your own life and are whole and complete, he won’t be afraid that a relationship with you will mark the end of his days as a free man. And this isn’t just about him, it’s also for you. It’s ... (continued - Click to keep reading 5 Things Every Girl Needs to Know About Men)

{ 76 comments… add one }

Leave Your Comment Now…

Ramona Rose

Hey,
This is such a great read! Thank you for writing it, it’s liberating, empowering and real.

I have a question: do you agree that making plans in a relationship, is a given? That is, that a man will automatically make plans to see you and he will WANT to make plans?
Or does the idea of making plans for men equal losing their freedom? And therefore it is something to avoid, even when they commit to you? Can you puts things straight for me please.

The reason I’m asking is that when this guy wanted to make things official with me, he still didn’t want to make plans. He absolutely hates making plans, and that’s a big part of why he likes being single, that he doesn’t have to plan. It’s obviously something he sees as entrapment. He just doesn’t like to make plans. Even when we were talking about spending some time together one weekend, he wasn’t that fussed and the day before I was going to come up to see him, he just said ‘I don’t know what the guys are doing’.

Reply July 25, 2014, 6:51 am

Sharon

You said one time in a comment that, Men only invest in a relationship (but I forgot the res tof the comment). Can you refresh me? Thanks

Reply July 23, 2014, 10:37 am

Gita kukreja

I dont know how to ask a question

But i am in problem , i am engaged girl its 2 months ago but i know he is not at all interested in me from starting we dont have love relation it is arrange marriage i dont thing so he ever fall in love with me

I cant break this engagement coz of family but i really want solution please highlight some solutions i am subscribed to nem mode also

He is not in love with me but he is not behaving anything bad with me his behaviour is good with me but he doesnt love me

I need help please

Reply July 9, 2014, 12:58 pm

Helen

Hi Gita,
I feel for you, actually I dont believe in love but I also DO NOT believe in forced marriage, every individual has the right to chose who to marry or choose to stay single if they wish. Have you spoken to your parents or to the guy about how you feel?

Reply July 10, 2014, 2:01 am

Gita kukreja

Hello Helen,
My parents have very simple living and thinking so they suggested to continue.
Yes i talk with my fiyancee i said indirectly also and directly also that u dont like me but he is saying it is nothing like that .
Most important thing is it is not that i am unhappy it is just that i am not happy i am a kind of girl i will not fall in love until n unless my fiyancee will fall in love with me thats the problem if there are any chances that he will fall in love with me i will become happy
One important thing is he is totally mam’s boy now everyone say every guy is mam’s boy but no no no he is very much listening to his mother n sister i dont know how to manage. But it doesnt mean he is not listening to me but only 10%
Is there any way that he will fall in love with me please please please help

Reply July 10, 2014, 3:52 am

Helen

Dear Gita,
Your problem seems to be the traditions of your culture. Like you, your fiance is obeying his parent’s by marrying. I dont know how you can make someone “fall in love”. You can either choose to go ahead with the marriage and risk a life of no love but with the possibility of peaceful co existence OR tell your parents you do not want to go ahead with the marriage. From what you wrote it sounds like you have some feelings for the guy.

Reply July 10, 2014, 6:35 am

Helga

You’re spot on, this article really helped me understand my boyfriends behaviour pretty well. He is all about actions and the texting part is definitely just a sign that he is still having his own life as I do as well. I mean I can’t always reply to him cos I work at all hours of the days but he doesn’t nag me and asks me why I haven’t replied to him, I would be like WTF if he did, so I see now how silly I was when I demanded and nagged in the last about not getting a response from any boyfriends I had in the past. I guess it boils down to respecting one another and being considerate of the fact that people have their life’s to live also. Thanks again for such a well put article. I really do love all your practical advice :)))

Reply July 3, 2014, 12:49 am

Richie

I love how this is an article about men wrote by a woman. I might as well write an article about how to to breast feed your newborn. Like how would I have a ******* clue?

Reply June 26, 2014, 3:25 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Maybe because the woman who wrote the article has been studying human behavior and relationships for over a decade and doesn’t pull the things she writes about out of thin air, but from information gathered via research and hundreds of interviews with actual men? Oh, and also the fact that she has been collaborating with a man (see Ask a Guy) since the site’s inception and every insight she provides is shared by him as well?

Reply June 27, 2014, 10:16 am

Sura

Thank you so much Sabrina!
The article made perfect sense to me! It actually presented almost everything I’ve been through in my relationship, and it gives absolutely true and helpful advice!
Although I learnt to deal with everything that is mentioned here, but sometimes you start getting in doubt… Reading this article every time gives me loads of positive energy and helps me stay strong and happy!!

Thank you very much! You have no idea how many people you’re helping with what you’re doing! You’re a world changer!

Reply June 30, 2014, 8:37 am

Eric Charles

Richie – is there a specific point (or points) you disagree with? Start there… it’s silly to say that a woman can’t write about men… she’s not claiming to *be* a man, she’s speaking as a woman who’s made observations, researched, etc.

Whether it’s my articles or Sabs, I’m not against someone having a counter to it, but you’re not exactly objecting to the content itself… you’re objecting merely based on the fact that she’s a female as your end point of the argument… Do you have an objection to something she said in the content?

Reply June 27, 2014, 10:30 am

Ben

This artical is total BS.
Totally one persons opinion through out the whole thing, and you should stop reading this trash unless you are trying to be just like the author.

Reply May 13, 2014, 2:00 pm

Eric Charles

Lol… well, this isn’t a scientific journal, nor is an editorial on the internet, so yeah it’s someone’s opinion.

What point (or points) in the article are you specifically objecting to?

Reply June 27, 2014, 10:31 am

A

I’m going to call rubbish on this article. For starters if you’re important to the man you’re dating at all he’ll make the time to text you, it’s not that difficult to do and takes no time at all. If a man says he’s too swamped at work or too busy to spend time with you then it’s time to be concerned because clearly he’s found something else he feels is more worth his time and frankly probably doesn’t really care about you.

I do agree that men have a fear of losing their freedom though, I find it ridiculous but I’m a woman so I don’t have that fear. Personally I’ve never been a naggy or demanding girlfriend, I never said no when a guys night was mentioned or said I didn’t want him to go some where or go out with his friends. I knew all his friends and frankly I really liked most of them and I got along with their girlfriends and them so it was never a big deal to hang out with them.

That part about men wanting to make women happy? not even the least bit true in my experience, what they want is to make you happy enough to get sex after that I really don’t think they care.

Also if a man suddenly stops talking to you for days at a time it’s not because he doesn’t have anything to say, chances are he’s just too busy being in some other chicks bed to bothered with you.

Reply April 2, 2014, 4:49 am

Eric Charles

Lol… so you feel the path to a man’s heart is “should’ing” him into how he should be, should act, should see things… sounds like a very “shouldy” way to go about things…

When either Sabs or I write something, we speak to the things you can control — your actions, your reactions and your thoughts. You can’t control the other person.

And the idea that he “should” be some way (because you want it that way) isn’t the best approach.

Reply June 27, 2014, 10:34 am

Amy

#1 !! I have never read dating advice online. This site is awesome!! Me and my bf have been together almost 3 years. He’s 26 and just moved out, and has been hitting the gym, creating a better and healthier lifestyle. The past couple weeks he has not been texting me as much. In the past he has called me multiple times a day and texted, being more needy then I am in general. We talked tonight about how I feel ignored lately and I asked him whats up. He said he just has been busy and wants to feel like a man, not a guy in high school, calling to just tell me he loves me a few times a day, he wants me to focus on finishing college, and have my own life and do what i want. At first i took it personal and was upset that he didn’t want to talk to me as much anymore. Now i realize he feels like it’s time to grow up! I think he feels too dependent and needy making him feel less of a man. After reading this he wants more freedom maybe. He explained to me that he doesn’t want to feel like he has to text all the time and have a time limit on texts, when he doesn’t really have much to say, and its nothing personal. Times in the past him texting/calling often can be too much, or him worrying about me getting home safe if i am out without him, and he leaves me all these texts and whatnot. So for other girls reading this, it works both ways!! We don’t want a needy man. It’s too much sometimes. They don’t want a needy women. Sometimes you can’t take things so personal (like me) and you have to always keep your friends and your interests. Worry about yourself sometimes, and not just pleasing him always. It’s a 2 way street, I need my needs met just as much as him. If you do your own thing and give some space, I think it makes men want you more. It makes me want him more too. My bf tells me he misses me when we don’t talk as much, and wants me to tell him all about my day and asks when he can see me next. Also, when something bothers either one of us, we say hey this is whats up and then we talk (not argue) and deal with it. So that is also true in this from my experience. #4 i can’t relate to at all though. All men are different, so people on here saying that it’s not true, it’s saying in general. IGreat article.

Reply March 17, 2014, 12:06 am

Fen

Great article! I’m having problems w #3. So spot on, my boyfriend wants to buy me stuff but dislikes it when I constantly Ask for smth. My question is, how do you ‘encourage ‘ them instead of coming of as being demanding ?

Reply March 7, 2014, 10:16 pm

luke

I think she pretty well spelled it out, it’s all about showing appreciation, when men are rewarded, they want to do more of the thing that gets the reward, like how you train a dog by giving it treats, in this case the reward is appreciation, feeling as though he’s making you happy.

I also want to note that how much he desires your appreciation depends entirely on how much he values YOU as a romantic partner, and that has to do with how you inspire him and give him confidence, if you make your bf feel good about himself as a man, his desire for your appreciation will go up.

Reply March 13, 2014, 6:40 pm

Tina

This is another great article! Spot on! Thank you, thank you!

Reply January 15, 2014, 12:38 am

Helen

# 5 is correct, no man wants to lose the freedom to bang anything that moves – and doesn’t. #3 is wrong though, most men have no interest in making women happy, in fact, they specialize in making woman very unhappy.

Reply October 4, 2013, 6:41 am

Helen

# 5 is correct, no man wants to lose the freedom to bang anything the moves – and doesn’t. #3 is wrong though, most men have no interest in making women happy, in fact, they specialize in making woman very unhappy.

Reply October 4, 2013, 6:41 am

Steve

Helen, you have been hurt, and clearly more than once. However, I am here to tell you that you are not talking about men when you say that in reference to item #3. Those are boys.

A real man, in touch with what he wants and how his actions effect others will always want to make you happy.

The hurt game is played by boys who want to keep you unbalanced and at arms length. It’s a ploy to keep his freedom because he thinks a relationship isn’t freedom.

Men don’t have any of those issues. Sadly, it sounds as if you have not met many men.

Reply February 5, 2014, 2:23 pm

Luke

the blame game goes both ways, we men can easily say that women only want to bleed us dry of all our wealth, nag us to death, and generally make our lives as miserable as possible, because “girl power” or something.

Reply March 13, 2014, 6:44 pm

Eric Charles

Blaming is just plain ineffective and counter-productive, whether you’re a man or woman.

Reply June 27, 2014, 10:35 am

Susan M DeC

Sabrina I just want to take time to tell you and Eric how AWESOME your advice is, and how grateful I am for it, as millions all over the world also are I’m sure!…I am in my 40′s and could have used this advice 20 years ago, maybe I would have spared myself alot of heartache. I have a 16 yr old son, and much of this advice about men I can apply to him also in a way…I am truly feeling much happier and hopeful in life now that I am learning how men tick….THANK YOU BOTH!! I will def be buying your books!

Reply June 15, 2013, 12:05 am

Bodhi

”If he says he really cares about you and misses you but can’t see you because he’s so swamped at work, what he’s really saying is you’re not important enough to make time for.”

What a load of rubbish, women, get back to banging your head on the table please.
Noone gives you the right to say what we think, or feel.

Reply May 9, 2013, 3:44 pm

Jo

Well actually it is indirect communication.. and is an indication that they don’t feel their time is best spent with you.

Reply May 12, 2013, 5:49 am

Joe

In this case, you’re wrong…or at least not right.

To paraphrase – “Sometimes being swamped at work is nothing more than being swamped at work”.

There’s far more to this issue than the oversimplification you’ve provided here. You do your readers a disservice by not exploring this in greater detail, and presenting it only as “he doesn’t want to see you”. I’ve never had the opportunity to deny work when it calls – not if I want to stay employed.

Us “mens” don’t have the luxury of not working for a living…not if we want to date.

Reply August 21, 2013, 12:30 pm

makensy

I read this article and feel depressed because I seem to be behaving more like the male counterpart . I am not male. Do other women experience this?

Reply March 22, 2013, 1:36 pm

Roxanne

It happens to me all the time, it’s usually the man who is after me and always planning things to do with me, falling in love fast and pinin for attention…i would think it’s more about the attitude of the personr egardless of gender that influences the opposite sex. I’ve always felt like i’m the man in relationships.

Reply September 12, 2013, 2:31 pm

brad

thank youj

Reply January 1, 2013, 8:39 pm

Frenchie land...

Reading the article made me sad. About two months ago, I met what I thought was a wonderful man through a dating website. I only dated men that people usually call “bad boys”. I felt he was different, I thought that he would never hurt me. Although I’m frankly not very experienced in the matters of heart, I saw something different in him; there was a peaceful atmosphere between us that I really enjoyed.

Few weeks after our first encounter, he admitted that he lied and hide some details about him. Well, I just told him that I understand why he was not willing to share his whole life with someone he has just met through the web. The next two weeks after his revelations were actually very great. I could sense that he really liked me. After those few days, he just stopped communicating with me. Texting was our only way to communicate. He canceled all of our meetings for about 4 weeks (I did it once, but I have a very good excuse… medical reasons)! I know he has an erratic schedule, but he was basically spending all of his free time hanging out with friends. I was hurt, but I thought that I should not expect to become the center of his world after only few weeks.

At the end of those 4 weeks, I was just mad at him, and discouraged. To be honest, my self-esteem is already low enough, it is not healthy for me to wait after someone who will perhaps never come to me. I texted him (which is basically to only way to communicate with him), and told him that I wasn’t quite sure if there was anything that could become meaningful between us if we never spend time together! I said that I was very deceitful because I really liked him, and that I was hurt that he could not even make an hour or so to see me.

I felt that I was rude (!), so I tried to call him. He didn’t answer because he was apparently with friends celebrating their victory somwhere. Fine, I was fine with that… We continued to be in touch, and I finally agreed to see him at his place after his job on Sunday night. We were distant the whole evening -actually, we’ve been physically distant to each other since the beginning- , and just before going to bed, he even asked me if I would be more comfortable if he was sleeping in the couch! At the end, we shared some intimacy (touching and kissing). His sister in law gave birth the same night, and since the next day he didn’t work, I suggested that he should visit his family on Monday (they live outside of the city). Anyway, on Monday night, I texted to know if everything was fine. He never replied…

I just feel he doesn’t make the time to see me. And it really does hurt me. I really try to be comprehensive, but it just seems that there is no room for me in his life.

And I don’t think I’m very desperate. Actually, I can assure you that I’m being asked out at least once or twice in a week by complete strangers in the street (usually, very attractive men).

Reply November 28, 2012, 12:15 am

Liz

If he wants to be with you – he should find a way. Two way street .. If you are not available to him .. He may realize that he misses you . Either way , I relate to your story and know that the right person will always want to make it work .

Reply June 17, 2013, 11:27 pm

Niki

This article is amazing. I have realised where i was going wrong in my past relation and what he wanted . Its true that guy need their space and their freedom.

Reply November 19, 2012, 11:44 pm

mb

I think about the woman I love every waking minute. If you actually love someone, you can no more stop lvoing them than you can stop breathing…and either leads to death. Unless some pathetic dweeb has read one of those “how to win your woman” books for the tertosterone deprived, they simply love and show it whenever and however permitted.

Reply November 16, 2012, 7:59 pm

Eric Charles

That’s a dangerous thing to say…
.
I say dangerous because there’s truth in there, but none of the conditions around your circumstance are mentioned and it sets on an expectation that if a man isn’t SHOWING his love constantly, then it’s not real.
.
There are people in my love that I love and would do anything for. Even if I didn’t talk to them for years and they re-emerged and needed something from me. Even if they were no longer in my life.
.
So first – people use the word love to describe all sorts of situations – honeymoon phase love, intense infatuation, family love, sisterly love, “spiritually pure” love, etc. Love doesn’t require thinking at all – it just is. Infatuation and obsession is thought-based and though Hollywood portrays obsession as love… it’s simply not and just adds to the confusion.
.
As for the “testosterone deprived” men reading “How to Win Your Woman” books… that sentence read like it was written by a dissatisfied or embittered woman – not by a man honestly commenting on actual his relationship. Granted, I’m able to see the source of where the comments are actually coming from so I know the deal anyway… just saying though. ;)
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In the grander sense, why *wouldn’t* women want men reading books on how to improve their relationships and make HER more happy, feel more loved, communicate to her better? Why wouldn’t a woman want that?
.
Why would it categorize the man as “testosterone deprived” and by converse, why would the “testosterone not-deprived” audience be the “good” guys here? Are you suggesting that the only suitable men to be in relationships are extremely testosterone endowed? Would you recommend that men who are unsuccessful with women should just do steroids? That would be quite a world to see…
.
It’s great that you think about your woman every day and that she’s like the air you breathe. Poetic, but it doesn’t hit me like real love – it hits me like the love performance Hollywood portrays as love. Just my opinion.

Reply November 18, 2012, 3:49 pm

jady

I like this guy
And according to people he likes me too
Everyone knows i like him he knows it too
He’s one shy guy
But he’s very talkative online

But near these days
He starts replying me with no more than 3 words
Is it suppose to be normal?

Help me what should i do
And i havent talked to him for a long time
Then people forced us to slow dance
We talked a little
And um
After that
Things kind of got awkward
I tried talking to him
And then he said ttyl
I said okayy
Then um
He didnt go online for 2 days
And he NEVER REPLIES to my OFFLINE MESSAGE
Why?
Does he not care
And he never texts me first
Why?

Reply November 5, 2012, 4:34 pm

andreas

i must say i resent most of what is written in this article. It is clearly placing all men in a single category, saying we are all the same and thats that. I came across this article because all this is happening to me. I’ve been seeing someone for 5months and suddenly she just stopped calling, stopped messaging. I always have to initiate calls and messages now. I know she is free and doing nothing and yet still doesnt find 10seconds to send a simple message. Its me who has ended up analysing, being frustrated and constantly waiting for the phone to ring. She comes to see me rarely, we have sex, then she leaves, now i just feel like im being used, it feels awful. When i try to talk to her all she says is ‘not now’ ‘i cant deal with it now, stop pressuring me’ she knows how much its doing my head in yet continues. I cannot agree with the advice given in this article, every person and situation is different and cannot be generalised.

Reply November 4, 2012, 11:28 am

Nashy

Im with this guy for 5 months now, and he is ignoring me like to the max. He doesnt text me, doesnt call me, and whenever im on Facebook, he’ll go offline/logout. At first, he was very very close to me. We use to text/talk on phone continously. Now he says he is quite busy. But, when we talk or text, I really feel that he really cares by the way he talk. On the phone, he says ‘I Love You’ almost every 5 mintues. But recently, he is being like im a stranger. On the 20th was my 5th month anniversary, he wished me in the morning, saying that he was sorry for not being early coz he slept early last night, and he even told me that he wont be able to talk to me till Tuesday, as he is very busy. He has time for others, as he comes on whatsapp again and again to chat with others. But, he hasnt got any time for. Im very scared of this situation. I really dont wana end this relationship with him. I really need some advise on this matter. Is he really not into me now? Is he really ignoring me? Has he lost interest in me? What should I do? Need some advise. Appreciated much.

Reply October 26, 2012, 5:44 am

Lily

Nashy-this guy has obviously lost interest in you unfortunately. He is putting a lot of emotional distance between the two of you by not having any time to hang out online or even in person. It seems like he isn’t putting any effort in maintaining your relationship. It’s like he doesn’t care about the way you are feeling at all. Those declarations of love on the phone mean nothing if he can’t back them up with action. The fact that you say he is acting like a stranger is a blinking neon sign that he wants out of this relationship. Try distancing yourself from him-stop initiating all contact. If he wants to talk to you because he misses you, he will let you know in some way. If he doesn’t, then you know that there is a better guy for you out there. Wish you the best of luck!

Reply November 3, 2012, 6:10 am

Holly

These 5 things sum up exactly where I’m at with my boyfriend. In the beginning of the relastionship he struggled when he meet me if he should date me because he had planned on being free as a bird for the next year and work on his career. However on our first date he drove 50 miles to pick me up…he talked so easily the whole ride..kept saying he loved my company…after the second date he was hooked…I wasn’t tring to get him to like me I was being myself…secure and happy with my life…a few days went by and he insist we Skype eachother, we hit if off right away..he got so open right away, I loved that. We skyped alot for weeks, I live 50 miles away so we hung out a few days a week having the most fun. Everytime we spoke he always talked about the future with me…wanted to know if I’d move with him if he had to move for his job. He hated texting would mostly call..he insisted i meet his parents and friends 60 miles away before he went on his vacation he planned before we meet. Crazy thing now he accidently left his phone and I’ve only heard from him twice in 5 weeks..he’s busy with friends, love this guy but I don’t understand why he can’t find a phone card and call me..??

Reply October 21, 2012, 11:54 pm

Charl

I’m a man.. And honestly don’t agree with this article.

It’s as good an attempt as any man would make at explaining what a woman wants, but unfortunately, men know what men want and woman know what woman want.

Thank you though, this has given me insight into what woman think we want.

Reply October 18, 2012, 3:40 pm

Placebo

In that case Charl maybe you can expand on what men want.

I found a few things here pretty accurate and please correct me if I’m wrong. Once again, we can’t make this a universal formula and apply to everyone.

I agree with number 4 and 5 the most. I’m not saying I should threat leaving him whenever he doesn’t treat me well. This happened t me not long ago. I was dating my bf quite casually for the past few months. It got to the point where I wasn’t sure what we were. He would give me very little attention. I finally told him how I felt and that I would feel hrrible if he treated me like a fwb. he reassured me that he didn’t and that he cherished our relationship. he wants to get serious and can see a future in us. So after voicing out myself, he became more attentive and even made up to me by taking me on a very awesome trip. It was great and I love how he appreciates me.

I do believe in giving my man freedom. Because I appreciate the freedom too. Actually, though I’m a girl, I function like a man. I like attention but too much attention turns me down. I’d get annoyed if my man doesn’t have a social life and needs to see me all the time. That’s not attractive. I use to bug my bf a lot too but once I thought in his shoe, I got over it. I don’t need to know exactly what he’s doing all the time. I don’t need to wait for his reply and analyze every message all the time. I’m slowly killing myself if I do that. Being all needy and clingy is never attractive don’t you think Charl?

Reply November 2, 2012, 11:09 pm

Danielle

I remember when I met this great looking Italian guy at my college homecomming. He was standing outside a crappy bar with his friends and he was the only one that was not smoking. I looked at him and I was like wow hes hot. I had to tell him that even if he did not want to hear it so I told him he was really cute. A smile came upon his face and he said the same to me. I started to hang out with him at the bar like I had known him forever. I learned he grew up in state college and he had a sister that I went to High school with. He was in amazing shape and he was big into sports. We had so much in common and his sense of humor matched mine. We talked til 7am in the morning but after that we went on another date and dated for like two months until one day he decided to never talk to me again. I said why, what did I do, we are having such a great time with each other why would you just walk away. I learned that he did not have the best relationship with his father and his father was diagnosed with cancer. As much as my heart went out to him and wanted to pray that his father gets better and that he is able to re-establish a great relationship with his father. I also feel he probably thought why would I want a guy with a lower education level than mine but the fact was he was a christian and to me that means more than some education level statues. But the last time I had spoken to him I told him to go for his dreams to be a personal trainer because I can see how he can be an inspiration to a lot of people and per haps someday be a trainer on the biggest loser because he has that kind of ever lasting effect on people. But in my hopes I wish I could see him again and I am far away from home now and I am dating someone new but still some how I still think of the great times I had with this amazing guy. Even though the g uy I see now has a PhD and he is much older than me and pays for everything we do besides the fact we argue every day and it takes like nothing to piss him off. I hope someday my paths cross with the italian but if not I hope I meet someone like him because he seemed so perfect to me.

Reply October 15, 2012, 2:12 am

misshuh

I have been hanging out with this guy off and on for 5 years now. I use to get frustrated because he’d come and go, but I knew that he’s crazy about me. Finally confronted him and it’s because I have a child and he says that it’s just not how he pictured his life. I told him I understand because I figure it’s because of immaturity of being 26 and he has tried. He takes me out and has mentioned wanting to meet my son, but gets scared and takes off. Since I’m crazy about him and I know he is about me my question is…Is this just a maturity thing? Will he grow to accept I have a child someday if he likes me enough? Is there anything I can do to gradually give him confidence about the situation so he doesn’t fear it? I’m not relationship crazy so I am not pushy. I’d never expect him to be responsible for my child for my child to treat him badly for not being his father. My son would actually love someone like him around because they share the same interests. Plus just because I’m stuck at home with my child doesn’t mean I’d make him stay. Advise Please.

Reply September 12, 2012, 10:50 am

Call Me Later

I had a similar situation @ that age. Lack of maturity most def had a role, but it was mainly due to me not wanting to deal with any baby daddy drama. That changed up after I met her daughter…the freak came out of her! Now I say “if they have kids, they are down to f*ck”, @ least I’m honest.

Reply September 15, 2012, 12:55 pm

MissHuh?

I do not understand what you just said haha

Reply September 17, 2012, 3:21 pm

vicki

What Call Me later just said is he was seeing a girl who had a kid. He met the kid (the daughter) and he was repulsed because he thought the kid was a freak – probably her behavior pushed him over the edge?
So now he considers all women with kids to be off-limits.
Many men feel this way. It’s a lot easier for a man with kids to find a woman rather than a woman with kids to find a man.

Reply October 6, 2012, 4:02 pm

Dani

No, he means that he met the daughter and it made the mom happy and she became a freak-in the bedroom so now he knows moms are good lays

October 14, 2012, 9:56 am

Lorrra

Yep, what Dani said.

December 4, 2012, 4:10 pm

monarch

Yes, you would make him responsible for your child; a single person knows this when getting involved with a person with a kid!! Yes, you would let your child treat him badly and then defend your child with, “he’s just a kid! CONSIDER talking about and sensitive issues that need to resolved BEFORE meeting your child!

Reply April 17, 2013, 1:59 pm

monarch

” I’d never expect him to be responsible for my child…”

Sounds like you haven’t been in a relationship long enough to know how big a word RESPONSIBLE is! As long as the child is in the room, you would MAKE him responsible. As the relationship gets serious — THERE WILL BE — more forced responsibility.

Reply April 17, 2013, 2:53 pm

Amelia

Recently I’ve been through a bad break-up, so I didn’t want to date for a while. I instead got caught up on all of my college work and had began to hang out with friends more. But, one of my guy friends kept asking me out and was always coming on to me. I continually pushed him away, so he stopped after a while. It has been a couple of months and we are still great friends, but now I want there to be more, yet I don’t know whether he feels the same way still or not. What would be a good way of finding out?

Reply September 10, 2012, 12:16 pm

Dee

5 things every girl needs to know about men

THAT 95% ARE BA….TARDS

Reply September 8, 2012, 7:19 pm

Joy

I like this site it gives me something I really wanna know about.

Reply August 31, 2012, 8:47 pm

Confusedd

well hi im quite confused because im 12 and my first boyfriend is some guy and he says he loves me alot and makes me feel special, i know that there are 10000000000 more girls prettier then me and one day he’ll fall for them, recently we joked and talked about marraige and stuff but i’ve noticed he keeps flirting with about 5 other girls calling them hot and stuff and she comments on there pictures on facebook more then mine, we talk 24/7 and know eachother inside out and never get bored of eachother, but i think hes a player because everytime we talk he brings up a different girls name, what do i do? HEEELLLPPP! Please!

Reply August 24, 2012, 7:01 am

Anon

Your 12… Its not love sweety. Trust me rather break it off with him and focus on school and enjoy your life? Your still so young, why do you want to get your heart broken by a couple of jerks? If I was you I would wait until I’m at least 16 to date. Sounds like he just likes the idea of having a gf. I’m 18 and I really don’t want a boyfriend right now, you want to know why? Because I have big dreams, dreams that i don’t want to miss out on because of a silly boy. I don’t want to waste my time when I’m not ready to settle down with a guy. Yeah, have crushes and go on group dates but even then I would wait till I was older. Your so young honey, don’t ruin your life by getting involved in things that aren’t meant for your age <3

Reply August 29, 2012, 8:56 am

takilasunrise

Very good info to know…..but it does take two to make a relationship work! Even if a guy doesn’t think much of texts or whatever (and you think woman shouldn’t either) and in situations were the woman does think they’re important, what happened to the guy showing that he cares by doing something that the woman appreciates? Yeah, don’t judge where your relationship stands by how many texts he does or doesn’t send, but if a couple of texts through the day makes the woman happy, secure, whatever, is this too hard for a guy to understand, or are they all just that selfish???

Reply August 23, 2012, 11:44 am

chell

so i have been reading on here different things so what im getting out of it all is when a guy gets scared he closes up all over because of one wrong doing of one woman but what happend to the whole guys aren’t scared of anything

Reply August 15, 2012, 3:14 pm

vicki

they are scared of one thing only – losing their freedom
but if you can find something else they fear (spiders, blood, the dark) you can have a serious amount of fun teasing them about it when you get upset with them
they hate it – but at least you can have fun.
i know im bad at times, but im also fed up with being mistreated

Reply October 6, 2012, 4:06 pm

stephA

well written! Girls over react to everything! :D Guys will just let a girl know they like them when they know how they truly feel about her and the whole relationship thing…it may take some guys a looooooooooooooooooooooong time to know but when they do, they sweep you off your feet…so I’ve heard ;D

Reply August 14, 2012, 9:10 pm

Ashley Marie

I was seeing a guy I liked for about 7 months, it was like we were datig but we weren’t. Everything was great, just one little problem…he wouldn’t commit. I tried being understanding because I know about 6 months before we met, he got out of a 3 year relationship with a very painful ending. He told me he was scared of being hurt again and just didn’t feel ready for another relationship right now. I did badger him a bit about it but after a while with nothing changing, I got fed up and told him we wanted two different things and that we should go our separate ways. That was 3 weeks ago. I haven’t seen him since.. I’ve actually been avoiding all the places he normally goes to give him a chance to miss me. Well about a week ago, he started texting me again. He tells me he misses me, calls me gorgeous, Hun, babe, etc., always asks how I’m doing and what I’ve been up to. I’m trying to play it cool like it doesn’t bother me but it really does. I really like him, I miss him and he’s got a great deal of potential boyfriend wise. I just don’t know if I’m actually getting anywhere with him.

Reply August 14, 2012, 10:35 am

Ciara M

Just curious: Any word on what happened with this?

I was in the same exact situation. We were both fresh out of long term relationships and we “dated” each other for almost a year. BF/GF to the fullest, except no title, no commitment. It finally got to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore & I loved him too much to just settle. I told him it was all or nothing & it finally hit him… he wasn’t willing to lose me. Fast forward almost 2 years later and we’re still together, happier than ever. It CAN happen :)

Reply August 13, 2013, 10:18 am

Anny

i disagree with #5 … Freedom ??? don’t be silly … Freedom so they can hook up and find back up woman..PLEASE

well, by experience i use to give so much freedom that either i got blame of not caring or the other side was i got cheated on…. and both times it was with someone i live with

Reply August 11, 2012, 9:15 pm

nelson

Hi.I really love this gal bt I’m nt sure if she loves me too bt she said she lvs me.And another thing I found her dating another man.so me nd her dnt hv enough time cos we are nt dating openly we’re secret lovers.its like I’m her 2nd best.now I’m tired of that I want 2 own her,so what can I do plz help

Reply August 11, 2012, 11:05 am

kayla

ok i like this guy and i dont know if he likes me or not he usually texts me everyday he says he has a connection with me but im kind of confused because he tells me that he talks to other girls and he dosent want me to get hurt and i really like him alot and i care about him.so since that day he didnt text me i didnt text him back cause i wanted to give him his space and leave him alone for a while and i dont know if he’s ever gonna text me again i still have his number in my phone. oh yeah and he told me that the reason that he talks to alot of girls is because of his last girlfriend broke his heart but i just want him to like me and i really want him to trust me

Reply August 10, 2012, 1:23 am

Victoria

Very well said.. This article was great.

Reply August 7, 2012, 5:18 am

danielle tinsley

I like this guy but like don’t honestly know if he likes me back he hardly speaks to me I always seem to make the effort which makes me think he doesn’t like me but he talks to these other girls I’m so jealous and I have to act like I don’t care when I really do but when I do talk to him he’s dead on but sometimes he looks at me like I have five heads and sometimes I think he knows I like him I can’t hide how I feel plus every time I like someone I get hurt and I fear rejection because usually I get it wrong I really don’t think he likes me plus there’s an age gap which kind of bothers me I’m older than him I don’t even know if I want relationship with him I just want somebody to tell me if he likes me because I don’t know also I got my hair done and he was the only guy to say it was nice he’s really nice he would do anything for anyone I need to know also how I can talk away to him because I don’t always
know what to say to him

Reply August 5, 2012, 3:19 pm

Tony@Relationship Advice For Women

Sometimes, guys have this barre to take the action due to the fear of the rejection from women. In this situation, it sounds like you both have this kind of fear. It depends on who will take the first step, sometimes it’s not a bad idea that women take the first step.

Reply August 8, 2012, 10:39 am

bhavana

I am Bhavana , I am writing this from India, I am stuck in a very critical situation, I am 26 and I am not in so good condition in my career front ,I am trying hard to get on track which I will soon if my personal front gets resolved…
I am staying away from family with my roommates, I am going to this place called as “Apache Nxt lounge” ,I was going to breakup shock and I started going to this place with my few friends regularly, somehow the DJ and I got close and started dating ,we have lot in common, our bday and lot other things, which also made things more close because of the bonding, but down the line we both knew its not gonna work out in marriage because of family and religion and more likely to be frank I was not keen for marriage as the family background was very different…
Adding to it I am Virgo born on 6 sep ,I am very social by nature but don’t know why I don’t have friends In my life, I have couple of them but not the group with whom I can hangout and go for trips or dinner or even for evening coffee, so sharing what I am going through is also difficult than I decided to write you, who can be better person than you….
To elaborate more, there is another guy comes in lounge I know him through my boyfriend, I and my boyfriend in stage of breakup because it cant work out and major reason which he doesn’t know is I have madly ,deeply fallen for the other guy who comes in apache lounge, I know him last one year on /off , he had breakup with his girl friend and now he just come there to get drunk,, I have developed a deep feelings for him , I have not felt this way for any one ,as we grow old we see all the aspects of relation which can end up in marriage, I know this is the guy I can be with him, and for this I confessed him my feelings a month ago, for which he said he don’t want to get indulged as he said he never had such feelings as he always respected me as his friends girl friend to which I cleared that we are no more dating and I also told him this something which has not developed not in a day or two but its being in my heart from few month but I too wanted to give time to this …
I to be frank mistake and acted childish for persuade for the relation as I know he likes me too, but I think he is afraid or insecure of things like getting re involved in relation which I think he is not ready for , or problems in his career front, monotonous routine of work, or his ex girl friend he believes he will get her back in life is too unaware of where is his life going ,just going with the flow…..
When I started reading your book have come across important things which I have started following , I first cleared him through an sms , where I wrote him as to agreeing on his point of not getting involved as he is not ready , to make him comfortable that he can decide and settle things on professional level, I communicate him through sending few sms …now my ex boy friend has told me not to come to apache lounge anymore which is only place I can meet my beau…now this is a big barrier as somewhere I can at least see him for a while, which can make my day…..
As no one other than my roommate know about this It has make things very difficult where I am no more in relation with my ex boyfriend, so I went to the place where my beau comes daily, I am very confused what to do, I don’t have any charm in going to lounge , I don’t even drink there some time occasionally I just go there for some time ,meet my friends greet them and come back , I don’t have any place to go or hangout, I don’t even regret that what all I going in my life , what I want is to show beau that I truly have real,strong,dedicated,pure feelings for him ,its not just attraction, or affection, or sympathy, as what I feel that we don’t know much about each other as we hardly talk, we have casual interaction ,,I request you to please help ME !!!

Reply August 2, 2012, 2:55 am

Ellen @ Wannabe Health Nut

#3 is so true! I learned to just straight up tell my boyfriend if something was bothering me or if there was something I’d like him to change. I don’t nag, just a “Hey, it would really be nice if you could start…” usually gets the job done. I might have to repeat myself a few times, but the results have been worth it! I went through a period of feeling frustrated that I had to tell him (it felt so unromantic!), but “Ask and you shall receive…” as they say. :)

Reply July 30, 2012, 1:45 pm

Andy

We men are simple creatures. We love our women and if we are in love with you, our number one goal is pleasing you.

However we can’t reasonably do that which we don’t know how to do.Sometimes things need to be spelled out for us.Sometimes they even need to be spelled out VERY clearly. (As in speak very slowly and repeat as necessary.)

We need to be taught the things that please you.We are men and we (often) need to be trained. Training us however is not to be confused with changing us, and that I think is where miscommunication often begins and confusion sets in.

Reply July 30, 2012, 3:59 am

monarch

sounds great! But communicate to us whatever it is that you want! Don’t leave us guessing!! It takes 2 to make a relationship and 1 to tear it down!! MEN need to learn to communicate more and NOT leave it up to the female!!
Women are just as simple as men. “We need to be taught the things that please you.”-it’s very simple. Notice her environment. What does she like? What has she enjoyed doing in the past and add more or it. A relationship IS a partnership — a partnership can run like a successful business or not. It can EXIST or run successfully.

communication. COMMUNICATION. communication from BOTH.

Women don’t want to guess what you want.

Changing YOU is what makes a partnership OR business run Successfully. Employees must change to make a business run successfully — a relationship IS a partnership, a business!! TO run successfully EVERYONE in the relationship needs to change!

Reply April 17, 2013, 2:26 pm

Tango_India_Alpha

So letttme get this straight….. a guy doesn’t text you back quickly enough, or at all, forgive him.. don’t expect this of him because he might be busy…

But… if he says he’s missing you like crazy, but is too swamped with work to see you, then whats he’s really saying is that you’re not important enough to make time for?

Why is one okay/acceptable/to be expected and the other a signal of murky waters in regards to his true feelings for you?

Reply July 27, 2012, 3:21 pm

Love this site

I think because texting is insignificant to men you can’t use their responsiveness or text frequency to gauge the love they have for you. What I’m reading and what I’ve learned myself is that a man’s time and the amount he is willing to give you is a really good indicator. I would think if he had to work late once in awhile and wanted to reschedule that would be more than reasonable. However, if you regularly get excuses from them why they can’t make time for you it’s probably fair to say that he’s not that into you. Don’t read into texts. I’m a female and actually find it annoying when someone texts so regularly. I appreciate the effort but I recently started seeing someone in the last month that will text all day and night. It makes me feel pressured to stop what I’m doing to respond. I absolutely don’t but then I sometimes feel like a dick.

Reply July 31, 2012, 3:27 pm

JClair

This is my favorite post in ANM! Its kind of a troubleshooting guide, like the one that comes in a user manual, but for men! Excellent idea!

Reply July 26, 2012, 6:14 pm

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