So you’ve got a guy you’re friends with and somewhere along the line you develop feelings for him. Unfortunately, he only sees you as a friend.
Tough situation. It happens to guys and it happens to girls and oftentimes, it can cause more heartbreak than an actual breakup.
Why?
Well maybe one (or all) of these scenarios apply to your situation. You get along better with him than anyone else. You “get” each other. He’s the only guy that you’ve ever felt truly understands you and with whom you can truly be yourself. He’s cute, he’s funny and when he’s around you, he completely let’s his guard down. You get to see him as the man he truly is – an unguarded version of himself that he hides from the world and only seems to let you see.
You trust each other. You might even say that you love each other. And you love every little thing about him… you can talk for hours or even just be with each other in silence… and you know exactly what the other person is thinking.
So why, in the midst of this seemingly perfect situation, aren’t you any more than friends? Or worse, why (when you told him how you felt about him) does he say, “I really love you. You’re the most important girl in the world to me and I’ll always be there for you but I can’t be in a relationship with you – we need to just be friends.”
Well, I’ll give you a few reasons and I’ll also give you the ultimate pull-no-punches guide to getting out of the friend zone.
1. Damaged goods: There are some great guys out there that have had their heart broken one to many times. And by the time they’re in your life, they have a lot of unclaimed baggage that they have yet to resolve. It’s an “It’s not you, it’s me” situation, except it comes before any relationship has even happened.
Problem is, your feelings for him and what your relationship could be or should be are just an illusion. The reality is that when someone hasn’t healed past hurts and relationship wounds, they really aren’t ready to get into a new relationship.
Now there have been times where the so-called damaged guy jumps into a relationship seemingly out of the blue after months or even years of lamenting about how “damaged” he is.
This can happen for a few reasons:
1) The new girl he jumps in with completely step out of that “mode” or “funk” he was caught up in. See, while you were listening to him sulk about his broken heart and smoothing his hair, new girl appeared out of nowhere as a limited-edition item. She attracted him and in some way made it clear (usually without a word) that if he wants her, he needs to act now or lose his shot.
It’s amazing how quickly a man will get his act together when he believes he might lose his shot at something. (Hint… hint… hint)
2) He knows he can put up a front and the new girl will buy it… at least, for a while. See, you know your friend, inside and out. But the new girl who just entered the picture is completely fresh – he can act like whomever he wants to appear to be and she’ll accept that that’s who he is. But with you, you know what he’s still struggling with… and he knows you know who he really is too.
Sometimes a guy just wants a vacation from himself and his problems.
Sure, these arrangements always end up melting down (maybe in a week, a month or a year), but during that time he gets to postpone dealing with his issues and can numb his pain with a simple girl who doesn’t unearth any skeletons… for a while.
3) The new girl had the advantage of a fresh “mystique” – that is, he doesn’t know anything about her and she put up a dazzling image that completely seduced him. The reality of relationships is that for them to move forward, they need to deepen over time. And part of deepening a relationship is knowing the other person more and more deeply and gaining a fuller understanding of who they are.
Your friend knows you deeply. But the dazzling new Cleopatra that stepped into the picture is a blank canvas – he can paint her up to be anything he wants to image that she is in his mind. The less he actually knows about her, the more he can fill in the gaps with his own fantasy.
It’s an illusion, but illusions can have tremendous power. Just ask the advertising industry.
The solution here and the first step to getting out of the friend zone in general:
Let’s keep talking about the damaged goods scenario though and why it can be a major trap if you don’t catch yourself.
You have feelings for your guy friend. You yourself have been a victim to your own fantasies and dreams about what you two could be together. Sure, maybe you weren’t drawing unicorns and rainbows with his name surrounded by hearts in your notebook, but you are definitely a strong believer that you’re “meant to be together”.
As romantic as all that sounds, it’s actually poison to your chances for success in you two actually starting some. Let’s look at why:
To put it quite plainly, you want something that simply is not reality. The more you try to force reality, the more it’s going to feel like pressure to the guy friend and the more he’s going to shrink away from you and guard himself. He’ll stop feeling like he can trust you and he’ll start feeling like he’s a target for your own personal conquest.
Hollywood loves to spread this idea that if someone rejects you, you should just push harder and harder and harder and suddenly, some magic event will happen and you’ll end up together.
This is not reality. It’s better I tell you than a straight-up reality check – reality can be pretty cold when it comes to this kind of thing. The good news is that there’s a way to avoid this and possibly turn things around. Ironically the solution is: Move on.
Not in a dramatic, mean-spirited or punishing sort of way. I’m talking about moving on mentally and letting it go. Be cool with being just friends. And be honest with him and yourself when you make the decision that you’re happy just being friends – people can tell when you’re faking it.
It can actually be one of the greatest lessons to learn to truly let a crush go and accept just being friends. It’s compassionate and respectful to them. And it also gives the other person the psychological “space” to possibly grow feelings for you at some point down the line.
Letting go and just being friends can be something you just do silently within yourself. It doesn’t need to be a talk or event – you just simply decide you’re going to shift your attention to appreciating him for who he is and that you have someone who you enjoy so much in your life.
Backing off is the first step to this process.
2. He’s not attracted to you “in that way”.
OK, this one can definitely hit you like a brick. As a guy, I remember back in high school when I had a devastating crush on my best female friend. We’d chat on the phone constantly. We’d hang out all the time. We got along great.
When I finally spilled my guts about my feelings for her, she said she just didn’t have “those kind of feelings” for me. She loved me like a brother. She saw me as just a friend. Ouch. I have to imagine the sting is just as bad for a girl when she hears that message from the guy friend she wants more with.
So what are you to do?
Well, even if your guy isn’t “damaged goods,” I hope you read the last section because backing off is a REQUIRED first step if you want to get out of the friend zone and possibly (even remotely) have a shot at having something more with him. You MUST truly be OK with being just friends right now. Accept it and enjoy your guy friend as a guy friend.
It might be tough, but if you add gravity to the situation or romanticize it or dramatize it, it will be 100 times tougher. What I mean is don’t talk like you’re just friends, but then in your mind plan your wedding day and the love story that led to it. Don’t cry and moan to your friends about how it’s not fair and how it shouldn’t be this way. Gracefully and maturely accept it. It’s not easy, but if you can’t truly do this, you can kiss your chances of getting out of the friend zone goodbye.
Onward…
So now that you’re just friends and you’re cool with it, it’s time for a personal reinvention. A head-to-toe makeover, inside and out.
I know some of you in the audience are about to throw something at me and scream, “Why should **I** have to change for him? He should just love me for me! I’m not changing for anyone, that’s so desperate and lame.”
OK, fine. Don’t change.
But this article is called “How to Get Out of the Friend Zone” and not “How to Do Everything You’ve Been Doing All Along and Magically Get Different Results.” See my point?
If you want this guy and want a different result than what you’re getting, it’s clear that you need to change what you’ve been doing. That may be hard to swallow, but when you think it through it’s pretty clear.
Of course, you could just decide to give up and find another guy that appreciates you exactly as you are. And that’s fine… maybe that’s even the better move in the long run. However, the fact that you’re reading this tells me that you probably have already tried that or you’ve looked and there’s nobody else who’s impressed you as much as this one guy. So let’s talk about the game-plan (and I’m going to warn you, I’m not sugarcoating this – this is a blunt, no-punches-pulled guide)…
Your look
Guys respond to looks. It’s not fair, we didn’t choose our biological / sexual makeup – it is what it is. The sooner that you can accept that guys respond to the physical appearance of women, the sooner you can use it to your advantage.
For the sake of keeping an already long article as short as it can be, I will briefly touch upon things you can do to punch up your look:
- Get into the best shape of your life. As a dating advice writer, I don’t like telling women to get in shape. Some of my closest female friends and ex-girlfriends have had eating disorders in their lifetime. It’s tragic and heartbreaking and I would never want any girl to have one. So I want to be very clear: NEVER, EVER get into extreme dieting or ruthless fitness. It may seem like the answer at the time, but in the long run you will pay dearly for it and I promise you that you’ll end up far worse off than when you started.With that said, I do advocate you eating healthy and working out regularly. I eat right and I work out hard, but it is balanced – I used to go super extreme and I actually ended up getting worse results because of the strain I put on my body.If you feel like you could get into better physical shape, then pick a good fitness program and get to work. Don’t worry about your natural body type or shape. Guys are attracted to all different body types and shapes, but we unanimously like one thing: fit, healthy, happy women. Aim for that – make it a goal and you will be very happy with the results. (For further reference, see Ask a Guy: What Do Guys Think of Super Skinny Girls)
- Master your makeup. Makeup is one of the greatest advantages women have over men in terms of massively increasing their attractiveness with minimal effort. Just ask Jenna Marbles in the video, “How to Trick People Into Thinking You’re Really Good Looking .”
OK, I’m kidding with the last link… but not really. In all seriousness, read A New Mode’s beauty section. Next… - Dress right. Whatever you choose to wear, be sure you wear it with confidence. There is nothing attractive about a woman who is fidgeting with her outfit constantly or one who looks uncomfortable. Confidence is magnetic to guys, so wear things that make you feel amazing about yourself. On this note, A New Mode has tons and tons of great fashion advice. Look around and study up. As a guy, I’ll share the best fashion advice I ever got: Wear what the mannequins are wearing and wear clothes that fit your body perfectly (and being that that’s the best fashion advice I think you can see why Sabrina is our designated fashion expert and not me!).
Your “Vibe”
- Fill yourself up. While looking good will definitely help you, “filling yourself up” is the most important one of all here. What I mean is filling your life with things that make you feel happy and fulfilled.All too often I see women desperate wanting a relationship to fill them up. They come to men with their hands out, begging to make them “whole” by getting into a relationship with them. However, no relationship will ever make you whole, happy or fulfilled. That’s the little known truth – and a truth that Hollywood doesn’t you.The TRUTH is that you need to come into a relationship already happy, fulfilled and whole and allow your love of life and love of yourself to spill over into the other person. Only then will you get to have the relationship that you’ve always wanted. You can’t come in wanting to fill an emotional void – you must come in whole.
- A final note on happiness… TV and movies portray an idea that quality men want to date “bitches” or that we fall in love with difficult women.We don’t. Men who have choice will completely avoid unhappy, “bitchy,” critical, difficult women. Why would a man want that? Men HATE drama and being thrown off from enjoying our life. Why would we want to be around a miserable woman?The truth is: Men want happy women. Men want women who are full of love and who love themselves and have confidence. Men want women who love men.So if you’ve historically shown yourself to be an unhappy girl around your guy friend, that could be a major factor in what’s keeping you apart. Men want to be around happy women who they know they can “win” with – at being your hero and making you happy. Put positive energy out there… you have to trust me on this that it will work much, much better than being miserable.And you get this happiness from filling yourself up (see above).
3. ”Love is like a shadow, when you chase it, it runs away, when you turn back and walk away, it follows you.” – Unknown
I think that quote is a little extreme, but it illustrates an interesting point. It actually goes back to what I was saying in the last section – you will not be able to attract a relationship if you’re looking for it to fill an emotional void for you.
There’s a difference between wanting and chasing. It’s fine to want a relationship. But chasing a relationship is different. It implies that you have a desperate need to have it, like it’s the only possible nourishment for your starving heart. Poetic, but very bad for success…
I’m going to tell you something shocking. If you can do this next thing, it will change everything for you. But chances are, you’re going to protest it and want to fight me on it. And it is…
Open up your dating options… start talking with and meeting other men. Rack up OPTIONS.
Yes… in case your head is not computing that I’m telling you to date other men in an article about getting out of the friend zone with your guy friend… yes, I’m telling you to start opening yourself up to other men. And be earnest in your efforts. Really put some energy into meeting new men and talking with new guys… you don’t have to date them or sleep with them or marry them. Just talk with them and get some guys interested in you.
Who knows, you might even end up meeting a better guy in the process. You never know if your true destiny is to meet your perfect man by accident… don’t resist this.
Open your options up so that you know that you’re not dependent on just one option.
I almost feel evil for saying it, but for some guys just seeing that he might lose his shot with a girl can be all he needs to snap to attention and reconsider his feelings for you… lest he should lose you to some other guy. Worth noting, but in this case don’t make this your focus.
For now, this is just about options.
4. It’s now or never.
OK, so you followed my directions word for word. Good job… cause it won’t work if you only did the parts you wanted to do and ignored the rest. The whole game plan is … [Click here to keep reading...]
Jen May 6, 2013 at 6:45 am
Ok so this is a “friend zone” situation with a twist. I met a great guy 10 months ago, his brother is dating my best friend. We hit it off pretty well and we got to a point of talking almost daily and we would hang out quite a bit. The one night we had a chat about where we were going, I had been divorced a year before we met and have a 6 year old daughter. He had been single for 2 years and in my opinion came from an abusive relationship. (not that he will admit it but what else do you call it when you have been stabbed in the face with a stiletto shoe by your ex, humiliated in public and beaten up by the indicator stalk in your car that she has ripped out to beat you with, not to mention treating him like dirt. She is a cocaine addict I might add and the relationship lasted 5 years) In a nut shell I didn’t have high expectations of a relationship, firstly because of my divorce status and being a “package deal” and secondly because I knew that he had been in what his family termed “Hermit mode” after the break up with his ex and not socializing with anyone. He lost his business and his car in the process and moved back home with the parents. So I wasn’t surprised when he told me he didn’t want a relationship with anyone.
After telling me all that, which i accepted, he kissed me. Not a peck on the lips either and not only the one time. I told him that I am not the kinda girl that does one night stands or friends with benefits and he said he respects me for that. Anyway, after the kiss, the next day, he got cagey, so I figured he was freaked out and I gave him space. The chatting continued, The next time I saw him everything was back to our normal comfortable, fun friendship. He then told me that I am the type of girl that brings value to his life and he doesn’t want to lose me. In the meantime his psycho ex moved back to town. She tends to ambush him at random and hides out at his house, he has introduced me to her, and I know that they won’t get back together, it just seems that after every ambush from her he is all cagey again. He does tend to complain about her and I once asked him why he tolerated her if she was irritating him so much and he told me that she has no family or friends (except druggies) and that she is always getting herself into dangerous situations and he feels an obligation to help her. I have left it at that, It is not my place to judge but I do see an impact on him when she has been around… in the negative.
I haven’t put pressure on him and I am head over heels in love with him, but here is the rub. He will sleep over at my house, no sex, but he will hold me. We have amazing conversations and he makes me laugh. However, he goes into these modes where he won’t talk to me for a couple of days. He gets visibly uncomfortable when anyone comments on what a lovely couple we are and I have to explain that I am not his girlfriend. He has introduced me to his family, but wont introduce me to his friends. He has told me he loves me, but then ignored me for a week after. Frankly it hurts. I do want more, I just don’t know if he will ever get there. I don’t know how long I should wait, if I should wait at all, or have any clue on what to do. I would be fine to leave things as is if he didn’t blow me off when we have plans to see each other or ignore me for days whenever he gets cagey. It just makes me feel like I am being punished for some unknown sin I appear to have committed. I want a future with him and he is worth waiting for, I just don’t know if he will ever feel the same.
Isa May 6, 2013 at 11:17 am
Well, I’m in a similar situation and I’ve been trying to find a solution for about two years and a half… I just wished it would be easier to know what to do…
)
And I wish you the best!
Jen May 7, 2013 at 1:54 am
Thanks for the reply Isa, how do you cope with it though? any practical solutions? I seem to see saw between being ok with how things are and able to understand where he is coming from. (I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years so I can relate to a certain extent on that level) and then the other extreme is sheer frustration and despair. Especially when he gets all flaky on me, blows me off and won’t talk to me for days, things I don’t cope very well with at all. It takes all my self control not to react in a needy or irate manner.
Isa May 7, 2013 at 10:12 am
Hi Jen!
) It sounded familiar and it was nice to see that I’m not alone… Sometimes, I feel or I think I’m really naive… 
/
Well, I live or have the same dilema. Sometimes I’m ok with the situation (I’m also the person that he turns to, when he needs and with whom he feels safe and happy), because I tend to tolerate a lot of things, mainly because I like him so much. But then, there are sometimes when I can’t deal with it. I have to go away and not be in touch with him. Right now, I’m in that phase. I need some space, so that I can breeth and think things through. It’s not easy to say what is right or wrong, and it’s easy for people to say to leave things and forget. How do you forget someone that you like…or love…? It’s really a dilema and like you say, it takes a lot o self-control, in order to make the right move or say the right thing. If I had the power of controling my feelings… I just felt related to everything that you said.
Isa May 7, 2013 at 10:29 am
Well…just one more thing. Because I can’t decide to end things up with the guy that I like, I just realised that the only thing in my power and that I can control is my life. So, I decided to end a project that I have in hands (a phd) and I’m going to try to focus on that. I can’t control what he feels about me (and to be honest, I really don’t know what that is; he just tells me that he likes me and that he likes to be around me). Then, I believe in time. I believe that time will ‘find’ a solution. I can’t force him to like me the way that I want him to like me and I can’t force him to choose. At least, I’m not going to do that. I just have to live my life, at the best I can…whether he stays with me…or not. If only things were much easier… Does this make sense to you? : o )
Jen May 8, 2013 at 2:56 am
Hi Isa, It does make sense to me and I can relate to it, everything I have read so far however says that we should cut our losses and move on. I just haven’t been able to find anything applicable to this particular situation. I don’t chase after him or lay myself on a platter for him, but the reality is that I am his first point of call when the chips are down. We do talk daily and we have a really great time together. I am limiting my options with this because I really have no idea if we will ever progress as a couple. He is still very reclusive, barely sees any of his friends and it takes a bit of fancy footwork on my side to get him out and about socializing with his friends. He is a really great guy and I know he is hurting. To lose everything he has worked for by the age of 35 is a bitter pill for anyone to swallow. Having the ex around to remind him constantly of what a failure he is all the time also does not help him, or me for that matter. He has told me he loves me, (without coercion) and when asked where we are going with all this he simply states that he is a total F* Up and is in no way capable of giving me what I need, I have told him that I don’t really care about stuff, I care about him, knowing him brings value to my life, that is what is important to me. (I don’t ask anymore BTW, he gets all freaked out apparently) I lead a very full life, and basically I am at the point where I am not looking for anyone else, but if someone happens to come into my life that I can connect with then I will re look at my situation. I guess I just wish there was some way to know how to help him move on with his life without being an emotional crutch, and more importantly how to build a future with a man that has given up on one. He will talk about wanting to buy a house, plant trees knowing that one day our grand kids will be on swings hung on those trees, and then just as quickly he dismisses it as something he will never achieve. I am his friend, I know he loves me, I know that I am the closest he has come to anyone in the last 2 years, I am in love with him and I want a future with him… I guess I am really confused and looking for a band aid that will magically fix this.
stephanie April 14, 2013 at 1:21 am
ok… so i like this guy that’s my closest guy friend…i kinda told him that i liked and he gave my that line where he says “u need to find a guy that would give u feels back because i think of u as my sister.” I want him to like me back…. he tells me that i’m beautiful, out going but i think he says that because i’m his friend… just not to long ago he told me that the first time he saw me he thought that i was cute before we even started to talk… we are so close, i tell him all my problems and he helps me out..he even knows when i’m sad and he lets me cry on his shoulder… i don’t know what to do, i want to get out of the friends zone before he fonds a girl that he starts to like… Every time i think of him finding a girl that he likes i start to cry because i don’t want to loss to a new girl… i want to be his girl and no one else’s… i was dating someone and i couldn’t get him off my mind,so i stopped dating that guy so i don’t end up hurting him… Everyday i think he’s falling for me but i’m not sure if it is that or i’m just going crazy….. when i don’t text him i feel off, i feel like i’m missing something on that day…I REALLY NEED HELP BECAUSE I WANT TO GET OUT OF THE FRIENDS ZONE….. PLEASE HELP ME…….
Summer April 14, 2013 at 5:51 pm
I sorta understand how you feel… But regardless, if he says, “You need to find a guy that feels the same for you.”, listen to him!!!!!!!!!!! The best thing to do in this situation is like Eric said, move on. That’s the best thing for you to do because you deserve better, so much better. And if you need to stop being friends with him altogether, then so be it. You can find someone better.
ANGELLUVLY April 1, 2013 at 3:13 pm
Ok so I followed everything this article said to do… And now I found that my friend zone is still friend zone… I’ve even started dating a guy and he’s really nice and all but he’s not the one I want nor love. My best friend just keeps telling me that he’s happy for me and the old “good for you” line. I even moved out and got my own place. Been doing a lot of ME time and getting back into shape. I don’t text him as much anymore and I’m distancing myself from him but the more I do that the more he does the same. Eric I am losing this battle and I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to lose my best friend and the man I know I’m supposed to be with. Please tell me what to do now.
Respectfully~
Angel O:)
Sarah April 1, 2013 at 2:48 pm
Dear Eric,
I have liked this guy I met at work for about 6 months. He is kind, smart, funny and everything I’ve ever looked for in a man. We used to walk every day, twice a day and get to know each other. We have hung out on several occasions outside of work as well as texted fun conversations. I went away to Costa Rica over Christmas and when I returned he seemed much fonder, inviting me out to dinners and lunches…even on Valentines day. We then ended up having a conversation about dating and I told him I would date him if he was interested. He proceeded to tell me we had gone on a few dates and that it just wasn’t there. I remember him telling me once a girl who really liked him, stopped liking him and then he liked her…so I responded in kind telling him I appreciate his honesty, and respect his decisions and that I would win either way because I know more of what I want in a man since meeting him. He said he’d love to continue the friendship as he loves to be around me, we have lots of common interests and I’m and interesting and fun girl… But he had also been devastated by a previous relationship. After this convo I’ve held back from contacting him, but he texts me often and asks to hang out as well as posts and likes most of my stuff on Facebook. He also longingly stares at me when he does see me…our situation has changed at work and he doesnt walk with us often but when he does he def flirts, laughs and smiles at me. I’ve been busy the last several times hes asked to hang out, and I’ve started to respond slower to his texts. Yesterday he posted on fb that he thinks he’s ready to find a woman as he’s come to a happy place in his life… My question is this: if he said it’s just not there… Public it ever be? Am I imagining that he does like me and since I’ve pulled back some he’s contemplated it more? How should I react if he asks me to run or hang out with him again? Am I doing the right thing by acting as if I’m not interested anymore? Should I not be? Should I ignore him on fb and social media? I’d ideally like to let this all go and hope for the best… But having a hard time dating other guys cause I compare them all. I wouldn’t change a thing about him… And would love the opportunity to date him again. What should I do??!
Talls February 13, 2013 at 9:06 pm
Hi! I have liked this guy for awhile now. When I first met him, he was dating my friend, and I only saw him as a brother. Turns out, he thought of me more than that. Time went by and I find myself liking him more than a friend. But it seems in turn, he now sees me only as a sister. He knows I have feelings for him though. I am looking forward to trying out these tips though, and it has inspired me.
More of my question is, is there even a chance that he will see me as more than a sister again?
Angelluvly January 21, 2013 at 12:51 pm
I live with my best friend whom I’ve loved for the past year, but I’m in the friend zone. He knows of my feelings for him and before I read your article I have started doing this. I want him to see me happy and moving on. I have fully accepted our friendship and have let go. As much as I HATE it I have. I still cry, but he doesn’t see that. I have recently noticed that he is worried about me moving out and getting my own place. He even broke down and told me not to leave him “ever” but I have to for my own sanity. I love this man way to much to stand bye and see him be with someone else. I am not dating hit I do have options open. This article only inspired me to keep doing what I’m doing and hopefully he will see how good of a person I really am to him and eventually want me. If this doesn’t happen I’ve prepared myself and will continue to move on. I will keep you updated on my progress. Thanks for the encouragement.
Love, respect, Amgel O:)
Sally January 21, 2013 at 7:27 pm
Ok, so today a friend of mine said- friended? That’s such a girl term. No guy every says that. A guy knows within 1 second whether he wants to sleep with that girl and the “girlfriend” comes after that.
I don’t know how typical he is but it hit home… Is it true? Is that a term us girls have made up?
I’m convinced that the day I met my crush- he crushed on me- regardless of the amount of time it’s taken to get to a) the first kiss and yes finally b) the first date. Not somewhat backwards only because we’ve known each other in some way for 9 months.
This guy sounds like an attention seeker central. And that is a bit strange. I would be inclined to think that he does only see you as a friend but because he likes the attention you give him is thoroughly seeking a sacrifice from you to gratify him. Ignore him and move out and move on.
You’ll meet someone who gives you the same amount attention you give them!
Summer January 15, 2013 at 12:31 pm
So…Eric, I have another question. I don’t think you mentioned this in the article, but what if the only way a girl feels she can get over a guy is if she stops being friends with the guy altogether? Just of curiosity, does that completely ruin that girl’s chance with that guy? And would it make a difference if that guy was damaged goods or not?
Sally January 12, 2013 at 12:06 pm
Hey…I don’t normally post on these forums, but really felt I wanted to as this has been a long process and I’m interested to see what people think.
So, about 9 months ago a new guy came to work in my team, I think I instantly felt a connection but I didn’t really realise it until a month had passed. 3 months went by and I got drunk one night. At that point i’d already started flirting with the boy next door and he was starting to get interested – think we’d had 2 dates but this guy was still on my mind. So drunk as I was I had the gall to say to him – “have I got this wrong or is there something between us?” he said “no you haven’t got it wrong, there’s a banter but I’m damaged goods” I thought what does that mean? Then said “cos the thing is there’s another guy interested” he said “ok well go with him”. So I did – and that was that. I went out with my neighbour for about 3 months – he turned out to be a disappointment and the work guy was fully aware when I finished it. During that time I didn’t pay as much attention to him but the attraction was still there. In the 3 months since, he’s been hot and cold with the flirting – and more cold recently. The whole time my boss has made jibes at us both…as if we should just get together. January started and I thought – I’m sacking this off it’s going nowhere. Then this week, I had a terrible week at work, and my mood was entirely different – very down, and he saw all of this. It wasn’t anyone in my team and they were all supportive. We went out on Thursday night and he and I ended up at the train station together. I also took an ex of mine along to ruffle some feathers…maybe it did?! He was very relaxed and laughing about stuff with me on the way to the station. I’d learnt that his previous relationship had lasted 8 years. So anyway, it came to the crux and I asked him if he was going to kiss me goodnight. He started with an excuse, I have a cold he said it’s not an excuses I said if you don’t want to kiss me say, but I think you do. He said but we work together – and I said oh that – park that, it’s separate. He said it’s different is it? I said yes, he said ok and kissed me. Full on kiss, and I managed to get another one but then he practically pushed me to the train saying i’d miss it if I wasn’t careful. So I think he’s still reticent and scared maybe, worried. My plan of action is to act cool on Monday. Give him the space show him no pressure…. but I think perhaps there’s a barrier broken through? And kind of happy that I didn’t make it all up…I think he does like me. Look forward to receiving your comments!
Macy lee December 6, 2012 at 10:14 am
Thank you! This article helped me SO SO MUCH with my relationship problems! I think a lot.. And that usually makes my situation worse. This pretty much cleared my head up a little bit. I was going to ho throw an emotional breakdown but now I realize this is how I should be acting, just as friends, until something more happens. Everything you stated is true and matches my situation perfectly. You don’t know how grateful I am to read this because it helped me out a lot… Thank you so much, I love it !! <3
Liz November 26, 2012 at 11:03 pm
Hey! It would be amazing if ANYONE really helped me out here. I’m only 15, so calm down. I have liked a guy on and off for almost 9 years. So lets just start off saying we have a “history”. We do the corniest things together, and are really great friends. Everyone says we are “meant to be”. But whenever someone brings up both of us TOGETHER, things get awkward, for a little. Then we just laugh. He held my hand the other day. It may sound stupid, but I really loved it. We held hands for like a minute, then he looked at me, smiled, and turned away. He told me he loved me too. And he tried to hide it. We were play-fighting and he mumbled “I love you.” . I know these days that doesn’t mean much, but I felt something there. He is really confusing me. We flirt a lot. I don’t know if anything is just friendly, or he really wants to be with me. I have been holding in how much I like him. And I like him, A LOT. But I don’t know how to ask him why he held my hand, why he plays with my hair, why he always cracks jokes with me, if he really doesn’t feel anything. I have no idea if he likes me or not. I am really confused. If ANYONE took the time to read this, I love you. If anyone will help, I won’t ever be able to thank you enough.
Please help me:)
~liz
Liz November 26, 2012 at 11:06 pm
Thank you so much for all the help just from this article. I would really appreciate it if you helped me in my specific situation.
Monique December 11, 2012 at 3:56 am
I am the stereotypical serial single friend with all the good dating advice, so here goes. If you got an “I love you” and he denied it, you’re set, no questions asked. What to do with that? Honestly, get some guts, but I get how tough that is, so leave yourself some exits. Approach the topic so honestly and frankly that its impossible for him to dance out, but make it fun, friendly, teasing so you can back out later (warning: overdoing this will scare him, but its necessary to leave yourself a way out so be careful). Therefore, I suggest keeping the expression in your eyes open and genuine so he remembers that its still you and that its okay for him to be honest. If he likes you, as it seems almost certain he does from what you said, you’re set…good luck
Summer January 15, 2013 at 11:54 am
Well, I’d say the only thing you can do at this point is to ask him if he likes you.
It may seem like kind of the wrong thing to do, considering that a guy should make the first move and all that, but 1) you don’t want to waste your time wondering (because trust me, I did that, and I ended up losing the guy I had really liked to someone else), and 2) let me tell you something.
I remember about a year ago or so, I told the guy I liked that I had liked him and even asked him if he liked me. He didn’t say necessary yes or no, but I’m telling you, after our little flitarious interaction with each other, things started to turn around. He was texting me more, and he even invited me somewhere that weekend! And this was coming from a guy who had hardly ever intiated texts, had liked someone else, and was a player.
Flirt with him back, be playful with him, and most importantly…be confident! And then find the right time to ask him. They say you gotta make some sacrifices to get what you want in life.
Sara November 15, 2012 at 4:40 am
Eric-
I have read your article and agree with every word. I have been friends with a guy for about six months now and we have lots in common and the sexual attraction is there for us both BUT he refuses sex. He said it would happen when it’s right and he wanted to respect me as a woman before we jumped right into that. He is damaged goods from his parents letting him down and an ex wife letting him down. He is very guarded and about two months ago he started puttin it down, allowing me to be more connected to his life. Three weeks ago, he was sent to NYC to help with Hurricane Sandy. His first day out there we had a text argument over something stupid and I thought we were over it until last night. He brought it back up and durin this six months he lost his job and I paid his 2500 rent to help him. In the conversation tonight he said he is going to make sure I’m paid back ASAP because he doesn’t want to damage our friendship any further. I REALLY like this guy and feel like before he left, we were getting to where I wanted to be. He will be coming home in a few weeks and the day he left I went on a diet and etc so without drama, in had wanted to better myself for him and now idk how to take this grudge he’s holding. I think I could possibly be in love with him and I’m afraid! If I start seeing other people won’t that just make things worst?
Wmpw November 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm
You are SO right about damaged goods… My bestie (whom I of course have feelings for) just told me he went out with a 20 year old! He’s 33… obviously it’s just a distraction from his pain from past relationships (emotionally unavailable, cheated on several times, doesn’t want to get married, etc.). It’s hard for me to deal with, but I know this can’t last.
MPP November 12, 2012 at 9:43 am
Is there a good way to get over him emotionally without cutting contact. I know you say to mentally get over him quietly… but I think it’s easier said than done. Any tips or advice would be wonderful. Thank you.
Lexis November 11, 2012 at 4:53 pm
This is uber helpful
Thanks
Faeyth November 2, 2012 at 8:50 am
Hi Eric,
This is a great article, and I am planning to follow it to the letter, but I have a dilemma. The guy in my situation has been around for 4.5 years, during which he never fully committed, although he reaped all the benefits (vacations together, holiday/family gatherings, etc). A few months ago I flound out he had begun a relationship with someone from his past. A real- all out, he calls her his girlfriend-relationship! He tells memos that it’s over, and I am asking him if he wants to *just* be friends. I explained that I am not asking him to decide if he wants to be with me, but if he just wants to be friends to let md know already so I can move on. He says he doesn’t know and won’t give me a straight answer about what he wants from me. With that being said, how can I just be friends with him without space/time? I’ve tried and the end of every evening “as friends” turns into this long,dramatic,emotional rehash of what I want/need, and, as you said, it’s completely ur attractive. Do I just fall off the grid a while? He calls and texts as if nothing has changed, and gets bothered if I do not respond. It’s hard to ignore him and I don’t even know if it’s the right thing to do… I’d really appreciate your insight into this one, if possible. How can I get to step one?
Lena October 31, 2012 at 6:27 pm
Hi Eric, I met this amazing guy nearly one month ago. I had noticed him for a few weeks and he turned out to be my friends new flatmate. It was like destiny. We hit it iff completely and spent the last few weekends together. He was so keen in the beginning and he would want to meet up all the time. He even asked me to tell my ex( who i broke up with 3mths) previous to not come visit me which i did. Then guess what this guy backed off and just wants to be friends. Its soooo tough and ocassionally when we meet up we still have a kiss and cuddle but theres no changing his mind. He has a few personal issues going on sohe says this is the reason for his change of mind but i don’t know if thats BS or the truth. Anyway what should I do like totally ignore him or play hard to get??? Like this guy told me he really likes me and cant stop thinking about to ignoring me on the tram to work!! Help ;(
Suzy October 29, 2012 at 9:06 am
What a good article. These steps are exactly what I am trying to do right now. I met a guy thru a mutual friend. We are both English but I live in a different country and he was here on holiday. We hit it off immediately, went out a couple of times as friends and had a great time. When he left we stayed in contact on Facebook. After a month he sent me his phone number and asked me to text him mine. We then progressed to daily texts and phone calls. I returned to the uk for a short holiday and tho from a different part of the country he invited me to stay at his flat for my final weekend there. We had a great time, went out alone and with his friends. His best friend actually commented on how close we seemed and how we were perfect for each other. We slept together both nights I was there and it just seemed right. He is coming here for a holiday in January and we have arranged to spend a weekend away while he is here. He is so attentive, calls me darling and gorgeous all the time and is lovely to be around. I had decided to return to live in the uk before I met him and that is due to happen next July.
Now for the problem: when we first met he said he didn’t believe long distance relationships ever worked. He has been married and says he will never marry again. He also says he is not attempting any more relationships and will just continue seeing people without commitment. He says he loves me as a friend and I deserve a relationship with someone who loves me for who I am.
The things he says are almost the complete opposite of how he behaves when we are around each other. Since leaving the uk last month we have continued in daily telephone contact and the conversations are still flirty and funny.
I would love a relationship with him but seriously confused as to whether it’s the distance or me or him that is stopping anything happening. He will never see or hear the anxiety I feel about what, if anything, is happening. Soooooo…….I am calm and confident on the phone, I make him laugh and we still use the pet names we have for each other. I can’t wait to see him in january and will take it from there as to what I do next.
Do you think I am foolish in still believing that there could be a future for us or should I just accept that he has said we are friends and move on? Thanks for the article x
Rebecca October 26, 2012 at 9:49 pm
You have given surprisingly helpful and healthy advice. Especially the part where you state that we should “accept just being friends. It’s compassionate and respectful to them. And it also gives the other person the psychological ‘space’ to possibly grow feelings for you at some point down the line.” You’ve given me a different perspective on the situation. If I really respect and care about him, I need to actualize that care and respect. Thinking of it like that has honestly made me feel better and more positive about being in the friend zone. Thank you so much! I will keep you posted.
Noelle October 19, 2012 at 4:18 pm
So, I’ve known this guy since I was 5 years old and he’s always been my best friend. I had a crush on him when we were little but I forgot about it when I got my first real boyfriend. We dated for four years but by the end of it I wasn’t happy at all, and he was kind of rude and had a bad attitude about everything. He was never what I wanted and I think I just stayed with him because he was my first everything.
My guy friend was there for me all through it of course. Not long after this break up I started seeing a guy I work with that was quite.a bit older than me. We dated for a month or so then he pretty much turned into an ass and I broke up with him. Again, my guy friend was there for me the entire time.
Anyway, a week ago my guy friend and I were hanging out and we had been messing around and wrestling. I had a suspicion that he might like me and I was definitely starting to develop feelings for me. I asked him if there was anyone he wanted to be with and he wouldn’t answer me. Finally, I pried it out of him and he said me. I told him I felt the same way but he doesn’t think we should be together because he’s to scared it will ruin our friendship.
Weve hung out a couple more times after that and we ended up cuddling and stuff. We’ve came really close to kissing but I don’t think he will. I don’t know what’s happening with us, and I feel like we might be entering the friends with benefits stage because we’re completely normal until we’re alone.
I really like him a lot and I think I always have I just didn’t think he would ever feel the same way. He’s by far one of the best people I’ve ever met, he has an amazing family that really like me, I am more comfortable around him then any of my other friends and I am one of the only people who knows who he really is because he’s pretty shy around most people, he’s been there for me through everything and he’s an amazing friend, he’s cute, he’s funny, and basically everything I’d ever want in a boyfriend. I just really don’t know what to do to make us really being together possible.
I think I will start backing off a bit and wait for him to ask to hang out and make the first moves with anything. But am I wasting my time to hope we will end up together, or is it possible? Someone please help!
Isa October 15, 2012 at 8:06 pm
Hi Eric!
Well…I have a doubt. I really like my guy friend…and we’ve been like ‘friends with benefits’ for two years (yes, I made this mistake…or not…I don’t know). He’s really very attracted to me and so am I to him. The problem is that I like him but like he was a boyfriend and he says he only sees me as a friend and someone who he really likes to be with. Sexual attraction and he likes my personality.
I found your advice very usefull and I’ve decided to try them (well, I’m already fit, because I exercise everyday, I have my life and my plans…and I’ve moved on…sort of speach; the only thing missing is the way I look; he says that I’m pretty and it’s true, but I have some problems thinking that he has to like me for the looks…; ok, I read your words about this and I agree).
So, for what I’m telling you, could give any advice?
I’m really into him…and I feel we could work out as a couple.
Jasmine October 7, 2012 at 6:15 pm
I read this article about 6 months ago after being in the same situation with my guy friend. At the time he was casually seeing another woman (nothing official just meeting up now and again) but after a month or two of following the steps such as putting more effort into my appearance and ‘filling myself up’ he FINALLY asked me out and we’ve been dating for the past 4 months!!!!! YAY!! I’m so happy, and I’m sure you all may say “oh ye, I bet he’d have liked you anyway” and “it’s just a coincidence”
But I’ve been trying to get something going between us for 2 years now (as embarrassing as it may sound) and FINALLY THERE IS YIPPEE!!!!!
Eric Charles October 7, 2012 at 9:23 pm
Thanks so much for leaving this comment.
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I am very happy to hear that. Congrats. Glad you were able to use this article to help you get out of the friend zone and into a relationship with your guy. I’m sure your story will inspire all the women who read this article too (I wouldn’t be surprised if they start asking you questions about it…)
Wmpw November 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm
Great story, Jasmine! My question is how did you get yourself to get over him emotionally while still staying friends and in contact? That seems to be the hardest part for me.
moonstar October 7, 2012 at 1:33 pm
hiya i have the same prob … met a guy hes lovely wanted to go out with me ? i said no we email and text phone every day for the past 4 and a half months never missed a day .. even when hes gone aboard … he then told me he only wants to be good friends friends for life … he do anything for me taken me to the seaside my dream home … even sat and watched the stars …. but now he says i love u to bits … thinks the world of him … there was some attention of one of hes friends …. now we are going out for a meal … he didnt like hes friends attention towards me … ive been askin him out for a meal he said work …. now he says its diff …. i dont know what to do … i love him to bits dont wanna lose our friendship ….
WQWEDSX February 25, 2013 at 8:12 am
The poor guy probably can’t understand you.
Tonya October 6, 2012 at 1:57 pm
I met a guy online through a dating site. The first few times that we hung out we both knew there was an attraction. After a couple months I asked him what we were, He said friends, so we just stayed the way we were. I had a lot of fantasy in the friendship that it would go farther. I brought my kids to Valleyfair and the kids wanted him to go with so I asked him. He ended up staying the night and going to Valleyfair for the day. After Valleyfair he called me the next day and told me that he wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I said okay. We dated for two weeks. He broke up with me because he said he was not healed from the mess his ex put him through. The next day he was on Match.com. I am really confused because after he broke up with me he told me that he likes me as a friend and maybe it could eventually be more someday when he is ready. I do not want to miss the opportunity to meet anyone else but I also do not want him to disappear if I do meet someone. I am really confused about what to think. Any advice would be great.
Missy October 3, 2012 at 5:25 pm
Eric, I have this close guy friend. We go to the same community college together, and we also work out together. We hang out all the time, and I can tell him anything. I feel like I’m friend zoned because he said “You’re like the sister I wish I had”, yet he will do things that makes me thinks he likes me. He’ll ask me what I think of something on a guy, and then says “hmm, I should do that”, because I like it.. He always wants to know what type of guy I like, if I like this in a guy or not. Sometimes I feel like he said that, because he thinks that’s how I feel about him. But I am way to scared to say anything, because I feel like I am already friend zoned. He says how much he cares about me, and how much I mean to him. His parents LOVE me, and he knows it. We flirt, and joke around all the time. It is just really frustrating and confusing. I don’t want to worry too much, because I am only turning 18.. If I can just get an honest opinion from anyone, I would be extremely grateful.
Summer October 4, 2012 at 1:15 am
It sounds like to me he just likes you as a friend, but I could be wrong. The only way to really know is just to ask him. I know that’s a tough thing to do, but since you’ve known him for long enough, it might be the best option. I might do that before wondering about whether he likes you or not any further. Wondering will only worry you more.
You never know what may happen unless you take a chance. He may go out with you, or he may not, but don’t expect anything. Don’t get your hopes up, but don’t already assume he’ll say no. Like I said, you never know. And sometimes, all you really need to do to get a guy to chase you is just to let him know up front that you like him. That may be the only thing holding you two back. Depending on whether he’s outgoing or shy, he may or may not pursue if he’s unsure of your feelings for him.
Now, don’t take my word for the asking him advice. That may not be the best choice. Perhaps that is not the best alternative, but at least if you do ask him, you’ll know whether to get over him, or it will allow you both to move out of the friendzone.
But either way, just be confident. No guy can resist a girl who loves herself enough to know that she is worth it, no matter what he does, no matter what happens. And if he can’t see you for the amazing, beautiful person that you are, then it’s his loss.
And also, accept your feelings, whatever they are. Just accept them. Do not punish yourself for it. We all do it. We all worry. It’s natural to do so. If you do decide to tell him, focus on you and how you feel, and not so much on him and how he’s reacting to you.
So, I would take all my advice, except for maybe the asking him if he likes you part. I’m not exactly sure if that’s what you should do. Eric is the expert here, not me. He could tell you better than I could, but anyway, hope I helped! ^^
Paige September 23, 2012 at 3:51 pm
sooooo I’m in love with one of my closest guy friends
his name is Cody, Ive felt this way ever since I met him but when I did i was in a serious relationship and I didn’t want to mess anything up so I waited to tell him a few months after I broke up with my ex. we were cuddling all night at my friends house and he was touching me intimately and i am positive he had a boner. so i got enough confidence and I wrote him a 4 page letter expressing my feelings and I got no response from him for a few days. then I got one in person. “You are like my little sister and you just got out of a relationship.”
so im like merr okay while I was all confused so I did the whole avoiding him thing and he recently started texting me asking me to hang everyday. So last night I gave in and he came over with all our friends an we were all playing grand theft auto and he was cuddling with me again so I was like oh okay but then he was touching me sweetly but then it escalated and got sexual and extremely intimate. I was so happy but confused. and then I looked at my phone today while I was at work and i got a text from him asking to pretend like nothing ever happened….what gives. keep in mind this is the first time I have ever been rejected, I am 17 and he is 19 but I don’t think that makes a difference. plus he sends me flirty Facebook messages about stuff that if he said to his actual little sister, he would be a pedophile…
This was something I posted on yahoo answers a few weeks ago.
He gave me his childhood teddy bear about 2 weeks ago i thought it was cute but im not sure what he meant by it.
Since then, he ignored me for a while after that happened. I heard from one of my friends that he really genuinely likes me but doesn’t want to make a move because his best friend likes me. I also heard that he finds it annoying that I have a crush on him. I am so confused at his mixed signals. He is always asking my friend cory if i want to hangout with them but never me directly anymore, cory said that hes avoiding me so i can get space from him and maybe get over him. The other night he came over again with cory to play video games. We were on my couch and he took all my pillows so naturally I was like what am I to do, so he said use me as a pillow. we started cuddling again and his hands started out cautious and then went down like they did before. I did the same to him but he stopped me then continued what he was doing. Then he left and I havent spoken with him since but cory told me he wants to hangout today…
any idea whats going on?
JustMyOpinion September 30, 2012 at 1:33 am
He does not want a relationship but he likes you genuinely but he wants to do any kind of relationship type things without ever acknowledging it properly. He knows when to reel you in and when to spit you back out again. He does actually like you but never quite enough. That should not be good enough for you. There is some lack of respect there and consideration to your feelings. You have a choice however. You can keep riding this wave of this back and forth-ness in hopes that maybe this goes somewhere eventually or you can totally stop it, cut him off. Hopefully this will maybe make him man up and figure what he wants.
lynzhy September 19, 2012 at 11:26 am
Hi Eric, I’m grateful finding your articles, it gives me nice ideas on how to stay confident & optimistic despite some failures in love. I’m going to ask your great advice also in my situation and hoping that you could help me out on this. I had a bf for only 5 months and that short of time we were happy and we have a lot of things in common. It seems that we were contented to each other and even his family already wanted us to be couple or lifetime partners. But suddenly, after he got a new job (no job for 4months that’s why he can poured me the attention I wanted in a relationship), I felt I am no longer his priority and almost no time to talk & see me. He seems cold & distant so resentment came on me, to the point I’m gonna tell him he don’t love me anymore because he can’t make things that he used to. Weeks later, we talked and he asked me to give him space (cool-off) for he need to think & focus on his new job and he also wanted time for himself. I did let him go for the time & space he wanted but once a week I still go to their house because his mom want me to go there always and as much as possible they want us to fix things ASAP. There’s a strange feeling between us when we see each other. Until after 2 weeks I called him up and asked if already fine and if we can already fix our relationship but he still can’t decide and seems that still not interested so I got upset thinking that he don’t want me or love me anymore and that maybe there’s a new girl getting his attention in his workplace. He and his mom cleared to me that there’s no new girl and he just focusing on his new job. One night due to mixed emotions, I texted him that I could not stand the situation anymore and its better to call it off totally. I have not received any reply or confirmation but he continued ignoring me at all. Then after a month, again I asked him what happened to us that’s the time he responded in my message telling me that I’m the one who ended the relationship and say sorry for he don’t have any special feelings anymore. I accepted the fact and go on with my life doing some stuff that makes me feel good. His mom still hoping that me and her son will be reconciled in time. She’s always inviting me to visit her if I have time and as much as I want to, I’m holding myself not to go in their place if my ex is around for about 2 months. Then as days passing by, me & my ex already civil to each other, we talked & greet casually. It’s been 4 months when we part and we consider each other as friends even though in my inner part I still love him and want him to start a relationship over again. What should I do? Is it worthy for our love a second chance? Do I keep on communicating with his mother? Would he think I am desperate to get him if once in a while I visit his mom and have a good conversation with her?
Confused Annie September 18, 2012 at 10:33 pm
Hi Eric,
Love the blog, you have so much great advice!
I’m having a ‘friend zone’ situation where I found a guy I was into immediately, but due to professional circumstances I tried to keep a cool head. However, the problem would lay where I would notice his non-verbal signals and slightly flitatious remarks (we would charmingly flirt innocently back and forth). He would also comment whenever I would wear something nice or change my hair, and I would notice whenever he did the same. However, neither of us have made any advances outside of spontaneously catch a movie during a walk, or something like that.
I feel that I have developed quite a bit of true feelings for him over time, and I think he feels that same. But now that we are no longer professionally involved (since a few weeks ago), he hasn’t stepped up to even mention that he is interested in seeing me again, regardless of us sharing quite a few flirtatious moments.
So by now I have accepted him as just a friend, and I’ve jazzed up my look a little bit (which has given me great self confidence), and have started dating a few guys. But it seems that becasue we are no longer professionally involved, its like ‘out of sight, out of mind’ with him. But its confusing because he invited me to join him for a bite on our last professional meetup, but hasn’t called me since then. Does this make any sense? I’m so confused!
Kristiaxxx September 16, 2012 at 6:07 pm
This all seems pretty helpful, I haven’t tried it yet but it all seems good so far..
I have one question though, during this 1 to 3 month, or however long, period of self-improvment, should I be talking to my male friend and hanging around like normal? Should I put a little distance between us? Or should I be backing off until the unveiling of the new me?
Eric Charles September 18, 2012 at 8:50 pm
It depends on the situation… I’ll quickly explain.
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Generally speaking, your habits and way of being is what landed you in the friend zone in the first place. So spending more time with him before you make changes to your approach is only going to further reinforce your friend zone status…
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At the same time, you don’t want to slam the door in someone’s face. He’s not friend-zoning you because he dislikes you. He likes you as a person… a guy would be sad to lose someone he likes and considers a friend.
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My feeling is that for your own psychological benefit, it helps for you to distance yourself as much as you can without seeming cold or mean. Just cut your contact with him to a minimum without making him upset… if he thinks you dislike him or are mad at him, you are going to far…
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The distance does two things for you… first, it clears your head up so you’re not obsessing over him and can focus on your own inspiration, growth and fulfillment in your life. Second, it creates a much more dramatic effect when you come back into his life “unveiled”.
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The distance and timing by itself isn’t magic – it does not magically make him attracted to you. Your growth and increased attractiveness (which you develop during that time away) is what makes the “magic” happen. So make sure that you put your effort into your self-improvement.
Laura September 13, 2012 at 3:54 pm
Advice please. I dated a guy for a couple months I really liked. He treated me like a girlfriend but it was never official. I got insecure and gave him an ultimatum and as you can guess he took off. So 2 months later I emailed him and we have been email buddies. Talking about out kids, work, family. The thing is at first I think I was hoping to rekindle but after a while and no request to talk or hang out I accepted that its not going to happen. But I sent an email with a rude riske joke and I’m sure that’s the end of it (doh). I accept that it’a not going to turn into dating again, but do I owe an appology just to leave on better terms or would that be perceived as chasing and be worse?
Cori September 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm
Hi Laura, I would say don’t email him again for an apology. If he hasn’t yet asked to meet, then I would not continue to stay on the backburner for this guy. The moment he took off after you gave him an ultimatum, you should not have emailed him back again to get back together.
Let him be for awhile and see what happens. If he doesn’t start pursuing you, then there’s your answer. Trust me, I’m in the same position, except for I have been seeing a guy for 5 months and my ultimatum was for us to move from being just friends and start having sex, otherwise no more going out at night and sleeping together in the same bed. At 1st he agreed, but then came back 2 days later and we hung out later that week…but he still refused to give a firm decision, still slept in my bed with no sex and still didn’t follow up a couple days later. So I decided to drop him off his belongings and haven’t spoken to him all week.
Laura September 18, 2012 at 10:03 pm
Thx. He actually responded with humor and a long segment on how men love differently than women do, and show it in different ways. (Eric Charles was spot on!). I guess we’ll continue to share views on life, love and sex at a safe distance.
Cori, is it possible your friend has a medical issue he is afraid to address? He sounds manipulative though – a man should be responsible for his own body and protective (sorry but yes, protective) toward his woman or even his female friend. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing in drawing a line.
Cori September 21, 2012 at 12:41 am
Hi Laura,
its good you guys were able to atleast communicate. But if it were me, I’d be over it. Any man who can’t meet in real life is just playing games. If I want to share views on life, love and sex I can come to this website LOL.
I have no idea what’s up this guy. It’s funny you mention though because it isn’t the first time I heard this medical issue possibility from someone LOL. In fact, I talked about it on another forum and said I’ve never seen the guy with an erection before. He’s ‘revealed’ himself to me on more than 1 occasion and although it looks like it could ‘put a hurtin ona’ lol, I’ve never seen it hard.
I’m still not sure what to do about this. I’ve made some personal changes (namely my job as a nude massage therapist, he has an issue with and claims that to be what’s holding him back from sex). I’ve told him I’ve been going on interviews for regular massage parlours to see if things change within the next 30 days. In the meantime, I’m going to be meeting other men to take care of my needs.
Ana September 6, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Thank you!!!!
Cori September 6, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Hi Eric Charles, or anyone else who’d like to chime in:
I am in a very confusing friend-zone with a man I’ve known and been seeing for going on 5 months. From day one, we started off flirting and teasing and almost ‘slept’ together on the 1st night (went home from the bar together), although we slept in the same bed.
Throughout these past 5 months, we’ve hung out every weekend except maybe 2, seeing each other as often as he has time. Throughout the friendship he’s mentioned us only being friends…but does everything to the contrary EXCEPT sex. We’ve kissed, but only when he wants to. We’ve recently started holding hands the past 2-3 months when we go out. I do every rule in your blog, and he gets jealous when seeing me even so much as talk to another man. He often kisses other women when I’m not in the vicinity or if I turn my back. But when I do it, he gets all jealous. Top it all off, we sleep in my bed every time we hang out, but he never wants to do sex or even manual sex even though I’ve offered on numerous occasions. I now don’t even bother, but he’s come on to me a few times lately…teases right up to the point, and then pulls back.
I recently told him I’m not okay with this dynamic any longer and that we cannot continue sharing a bed unless we are having sex. I told him that whatever it is that’s preventing from going to the next level, we need to just hold off…or only hangout in the daytime because I’m tired of being his ‘driver’ when we go to parties because he doesn’t want to get another DUI.
He says he loves me, cares about me, sees dating down the road…but I can’t continue hearing and seeing him mention other women and the lack of sex. I also can’t handle the mixed signals (we’re just friends, BUT he’s jealous when a guy talks to me). I have been doing no contact for the past 4 days, he’s texted me about his job and mentioned he’s not sure if we’re talking, taking a break or ending the friendship. I told him I was busy and for us to catch up later (as if the conversation we had the other day never existed).
Whats wrong with the scenario? I’ve already started talking to other men online…but he seems to still be hanging on. I’ve reasoned with him 150 million times and let him know what I want, I feel it’s unreasonable to continue to babysit my time and prevent me from meeting other people when he’s always around me but not willing to give me what it is I need from him.
Anais September 18, 2012 at 11:48 am
Hi Cori, may I chime in?
Yeah he said from the beginning he just wanted to be friends. Believe guys when they say things like that despite the kissing, holding hands etc..sometimes guys just take what they can get without a real relationship as long as you allow it. Or another way to look at it, will give you more than they really need to in a friendship. I mean I have male friends who have flirted with me, go out of their way for me and always want to pay for my meals when we hang out, but I don’t read into it since they said they just wanted to be friends and I feel the same way about them (i.e. I just see them as friends) so it works to my advantage in that scenario.
Back to you, he may not have wanted sex because he may have been sleeping with someone else as in his head you guys were friends so it wasn’t an obligation to have sex. Who knows for sure…. But I’m also confused as to why you were pressuring him for sex, when it sounds like you really wanted a relationship? Or am I wrong about thinking you wanted a relationship with him? Having sex with him probably would have pushed him away more so it may be a good thing for you that it never went that far. Also he was entitled to be jealous but, as he was going about his business with other women, you were entitled to talk to other guys, a you did. He was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Either way I think you did the right thing distancing yourself and dating other men. Sounds like he doesn’t want to let you go so perhaps he will step up his efforts as you’ve become less available, time will tell.
Also I noticed you said ” seeing each other as often as he has time”. It sounds like you were working around his schedule…and if so consider having a guy work around your own schedule. Another section on the site talks about this “How to make men chase you without playing games”
Hope this helps!
Anais September 18, 2012 at 11:54 am
Also.. you said ” I’ve reasoned with him 150 million times and let him know what I want, I feel it’s unreasonable to continue to babysit my time and prevent me from meeting other people when he’s always around me but not willing to give me what it is I need from him. ” It’s great you realize you shouldn’t be babysitting him. And I am not sure what words you have been using to express what you want but in the future, the key is to express that you want it for yourself but not necessarily from him. Like if you want a boyfriend say something like “I’ve really enjoyed your company but as good as it feels to be with you I want a boyfriend and it’s become clear that I am not getting my needs met here. All the best”…Also.. ” I’ve reasoned with him 150 million times and let him know what I want, I feel it’s unreasonable to continue to babysit my time and prevent me from meeting other people when he’s always around me but not willing to give me what it is I need from him. ” I am not sure what words you have been using to express what you want but the key is to express that you want it for yourself but not necessarily from him. Like if you want a boyfriend say something like “I’ve really enjoyed your company but as good as it feels to be with you I want a boyfriend and it’s become clear that I am not getting my needs met here. All the best”.. Guys hate to feel pressured like you need something from them specifically.
Cori September 21, 2012 at 12:31 am
Hi Ana,
thanks for your input. What you’re saying makes sense…however I failed to mention ALSO the times he has said he wanted us to be a couple going out, that he wanted to date me, and once even telling a guy, “get away from my girlfriend!” (more than once, often when drunk but at times even when he wasn’t THAT drunk).
The other week, he agreed to have a ‘talk’ about having sex but he tried to make excuses to get out of it such as being hungover or what not. Then we had an argument, and the next weekend it came to past he told me how he had ‘talks’ with 2 close friends and they agreed he lead me on, and apparently he had no idea that my giving him massages made me think about having sex with him. HELLO!? WHO GIVES PRIVATE NUDE MASSAGES FROM HOME WITH A FRIEND AND DOESN’T THINK ABOUT SEX?
I’m still chatting with him and we’ve hung out twice since, but I’ve also been aggressively putting myself out there to meet other men. This week alone I’ve already met 3 guys, I’m really trying to expand my options now. I feel a bit cheated in a way that I allowed him to hog up my time and prevent myself from meeting someone compatible. There I was begging for sex, when there’s attractive men who literally adore me. It makes no sense. I mean, we can still be friends…but the dynamics are going to change for sure.
Crystal August 27, 2012 at 11:28 am
Summer August 26, 2012 at 5:02 pm
So…I’m in a situation where I like my friend, and I think he likes me. Many of the things that he’s done and said has screamed, “I like you!” I won’t go into that because I’m trying not to worry too much. So, I’ll just cut to the chase.
The thing is I really hope he doesn’t admitt his feelings anytime soon because I like where me and him are right now, but at the same time, being his friend is frustrating since I want him all to myself.
And since I agree with you on opening up on dating options, I need to ask you: how do I do that if I’m shy (when it comes to making the first move)? Well, what I’m really asking is how do I get into that “I have nothing to lose.” mindset?
Eric Charles August 26, 2012 at 5:37 pm
It’s not really a matter of getting into a mindset… It’s a matter of realization.
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You have nothing to lose because you don’t possess him in the first place. The idea that one person even CAN possess another person is misguided…
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You have nothing to lose because the other person isn’t anything you could ever “have” in the first place.
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Not that I mean to get all philosophical on you, but at the end of the day all you have is your thoughts and how you engage with the situation.
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If you bring what he wants to the table, he’ll want to be with you. He’ll want you all to himself. He’ll gladly date you.
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If you don’t bring what he wants to the table… he won’t.
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So really, the only thing you can control here is what you bring to the table. And even then, that’s only 50% of the equation – you could do your absolute best and he still might not come around.
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All you really have is the ability to control your behavior and to give it your best shot. Your best strategy is to entice him through being the best you can be and being as delicious an option as possible (without compromising yourself, that is).
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Like I said in the article, though, if you fixate on this one person and get hung up on fantasizing about him as your one-and-only, that’s only going to create performance anxiety.
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Have OPTIONS… don’t fixate on that one guy until you’re actually a couple. It’s to your advantage to have as many options as possible until one man steps up to the plate to claim you all to himself. Groveling for one man’s affection is a bad strategy, no matter how romantic it might seem in certain lights.
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Hope that’s helpful.
Anon August 23, 2012 at 2:28 am
This article is BS; no guy would ever friend zone a chick.
Eric Charles August 23, 2012 at 7:43 pm
You are wrong.
Storm September 8, 2012 at 4:38 pm
very wrong.. /:
Cassie August 10, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Can you be friend-zoned by a friend with benefits?
Adaa August 9, 2012 at 12:02 am
Great article! I am in this zone where I really like a guy and he just thinks of me as a friend. Even before reading this article I had started on step one and two. I accepted that he is just a friend for now and started working on myself. Have lost a few kgs already and people have started commenting on it
I feel great and am keeping myself busy with a lot of things. Its been two months now and I have had difficulty doing the third bit, but since a week or so have started on that as well. What a co-incidence that you suggested the same steps that I already started applying. At least I know that am on the right path so thank you so much!
jjjjjjj July 22, 2012 at 9:43 pm
ok I started dating a man about 6 months ago, he was going through a divorce after 27 years and I was the girl he could talk to. I listened to him day and night, hung out with him helped him move into a new apartment and even helped him decorate. Anyhow we started seeing each other while he was still at home we were hot and heavy even though we didnt sleep together for two months and when we did it was a 6 a best, seems he has some problems due to a breakage 10 years ago.
We get along amazingly, its scary we are very much alike. We have traveled together, gone on weekend trips, introduced our kids to each other and generally were hanging out alot. Well about three months ago and a few other time he has made it clear to me that he didn’t want to get into a commited relationship but at the time he wasnt seeing anybody. Although I didn’t like what he was saying I could understand, that he had been married for 27 years (oh yeah Im sure he fooled around for 20 of them) and although the papers are filed and they will obtain a divorce he just was not ready to commit to one person. On a trip to Vegas two months ago he said the same thing, but said we should both date other people. He said I meant the world to him and he thinks I’m just the best but he felt the need to see what else is out there.
I told him I didn’t like it but I respect his feelings, what will be will be. Anyhow we were supposed to go to Turkey and his business pulled him to China and he had been planning an Amazon trip with the boys so he sent me to Turkey (very generous) he went to China and then on to the Amazon (Boys trip lol) So he gets home and mind you we havn’t been intimate in 5-6 weeks because of travel but he has a male friend pick him up from the airport. Now I know in my heart of hearts he is doing someone else anyhow but I didn’t expect to handle it so poorly.
Last night he told me he met someone out of the state, they went to the Amazon together and he cared for her as much as he cared for me. Shoot I thought I could handle it, but I got emotional and very insecure. I’m in great shape, I surf, run, pilates watch what I eat and look much younger than what I am. I end up sleeping over (we were drinking couldn’t drive) but can’t get into him, I didn’t want to touch him I felt sick to my stomach.
Im crazy about him but immediately go hone in the morning and do my thing well after finding your article. His birthday is Tuesday and we are going to Catalina with some of his friends and then his son and I are taking him out to dinner. I knew this was inevitable but I feel like he should of told me, maybe he told me as soon as he could of i don’t know. The only thing we have ever promised each other that no matter what we will come out as friends. He asked me if I was ok this morning and I told him I don’t like the situation but it is what it is and told him he didn’t promise me anything. I know I can’t sleep with him, I hope I don’t get back into bed with him not right now. I’m just wonering if I was the filler to help him get through his divorce, you know the friend that helps but gets left behind. The filler. This neighbor of his has been asking me to talk to him for two months and he is extremely attractive, they don’t know each other and I was wondering if that is to close to home? I owe the guy a beer lol and I’d like to buy him a six pack and put your plan in action what do you think? Fish somewhere else or go for the neighbor, I am sure I can be discreet at least initially just to see how the guy is.
One more thing I do feel kinda stupid, even though I won’t let him or anyone else know I am crushed right now its all I can do to swallow. I feel rejected, I feel used I was his friend the only one he could talk to any time day or night, he introduced me to his children we did a kids vacations (our kids are in the mid 20″s) I feel horrible inside shoot what did I do wrong? Don’t you think he could of sat me down when we were not drinking or maybe told me before he went.
Heather July 8, 2012 at 12:18 am
Would you say that this is also a guide to getting out of the “friends with benefits” zone? I think I’m in love with my fwb and he seems hesitant to commit to anything. My question is how to scale back ( stop the constant contact and sleeping together) without having a conversation about it?
Eric Charles July 8, 2012 at 8:25 pm
No – friends with benefits is a completely different scenario. I’ve written about it before in a bunch of Ask a Guys, so you can search for those (anything having to do with “friends with benefits” or “booty call”, etc.)
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Friendzone happens because the girl isn’t triggering attraction in the guy. Booty call relationships happen because she is triggering attraction in the guy, but not love or urgency to commit.
Heather July 9, 2012 at 12:47 am
Wow, I didn’t think you’d actually reply! Makes me feel like you really want to help. Thank so much and I’ll do some more research on your website!
Eric Charles July 9, 2012 at 7:33 pm
Sure… believe me, I would answer everyone’s questions if I had time… I just don’t. When I’m not being “Eric Charles”, I have to run two companies, do tons of work and take care of my employees. Writing these articles and answering stuff is what I do for free…
TLC July 1, 2012 at 10:19 am
Thanks, Eric. Great article! I’ve been following your advice for awhile and it’s really helping in all areas of my life.
I’ve fallen pretty hard for a guy who I’m pretty sure just wants to be my friend. And while I’m not at the point where I’m totally okay with it, I’m getting there.
Right now, I’ve been focusing on building my self-confidence and being the best version of myself. I’ve been practicing my butt off with violin–it’s something I love and it gives me a sense of accomplishment.
I’ve also taken up yoga, and it’s toning my body and getting me into great shape.
I feel like I’m on my way to looking and being my best. Other guys are beginning to notice too! I don’t know if this guy friend will ever come around, but at this point, it doesn’t really matter. I’m starting to believe that things will work themselves out, if not with this guy, then something equally fabulous. Thanks again!
lobster June 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm
ths is such an awesome post! i cn relate wit ths! im tryng hard 2 get out of friendzone..been inlove wit ds guy 4 2yrz..i am hs only bestfriend..we ar datng..bt 4 hm we ar normal..i dnt want to assume coz i knw wer i stand..i love u so much best..if u only knew..
Shelby June 5, 2012 at 9:24 pm
Eric,
You are fantastic! I started reading your articles in March after a recent, complicated and messy break-up (are there any other kind? lol). At first it was out of desperation for some help to find myself again and gain any hope of ever working it out again in the future. But your series of articles and emails have really turned around my perspective on relationships. I almost feel liberated, like I’m free for the first time and I’m HAPPY again.
I’ll try keep this short because I know you’re a busy man. I’ve followed your advice to a T and my ex and I are re-dating again (he approached me
). We’re not in a serious, committed, relationship, but we’re starting over and it’s great for us both. He’s treating my like a true gentleman should and I feel like our line of communication has been clearer than ever! We’re both getting on our feet, becoming mature, responsible adults, and being more social. We know what we were doing wrong before (expecting the other provide ALL the energy and happiness etc) and now I feel if we do take the official plunge back, we’ll be stronger than before. I’m still keeping my options open, my schedule full, and focusing on my career rather than obsessing, though. However, my question for you is: Do you have any articles that gives guidelines or advice about what happens AFTER you snag him back? I’ve skimmed over before, but I just wanted to make sure. I just feel now that we’re dating again, I sometimes question some of my moves or actions. Thanks again, Eric! You’re wonderful! 
stari June 4, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Dear Eric, thanks for your advices.
I have a guy friend for a very long time, more than 23 years. we were high school classmates with the rest. we are both single. Initially, I have never fell for him because I had an 11 yrs relationship with my ex-fiance that ended up broken with him falling for younger girls as young as 19 yrs old, that time i was then 29.
Then, few years back, after a class reunion, this guy friend often asked me out. I initially took him as a friend. But his concerns for me is overwhelming and over-caring but it only last for a short period. He kept asking me out, concern for me and stuffs, even at times i rejected him but he still asked me out. Later, he found someone new, and slowly lessen his contacts but still asked me out once in a blue moon. I feel i was being led on and later being casted away when he found someone prettier.. however, everything is too late, I had fallen for him alot more than i could imagine. he is not handsome or anything, we have very different career issues, i wanted a higher education, he is comfortable with his qualifications. he lied to me a couple of times and i cried. i have never blame him, but maybe i was not good enough for him, that’s why he told my friend that he is not interested in me.. it’s very weird. his actions care for me, but sometimes, he turn very cold. i don’t understand what he is thinking. he said he is not good at expressing. At times, he is very nice, at many times, he turns very cold and quiet and sometiems, he is very rude at me. i am often feeling hurt because of his broken promises and when i was very ill, he didn’t come to visit me at all, even after i was discharged. alot of people asked me to distance myself from him, but i couldn’t do it, i really cherish him but yet i dun know what the hell i was doing, really.. why is love so complicated? and i feel ashamed of myself when he texted me saying he wants to stop contacting me and asked me not to bother about him or the rest of my mutual friends. I don’t know why i cannot be strong this time and feel so emotionally upset. Then, my friend on him and realised that he was also dating other girls, young girls. I became very afraid. Why was history repeating itself again or did i actually attract these type of guys who were not really into me. I tried to distance myself away from him but i find it too hard, because for the past 2 years, i really love him alot. Now, he said we are over and requested to keep a distance from me. I was very upset as i cried many times. With my poor health, i don’t know how long i will live. but personally, i feel love is unconditional. I feel as long as he is happy n blissful, i should feel happy for him for my feelings for him is really too deep, but unfortunately, he doesn’t have the same kind of feelings for me, as the other girls are alot prettier in terms of their face and they really know how to doll themselves up. You are very right in saying that guys care more about physical great looks than character, maybe many but not all. I’m very sad that eventhough i was very thin, i never possess the great cute model looks he wants. Now, it’s all very confusing, suddenly he withdrawn. and i was left alone to fight the emo battle alone, though he said we will still be friends but he tried not to be there for me anymore. Can you give me some advices, should i continue to wait for him or move on? I’m totally exhausted both physically and emotionally drained after all had happened. Can you help me? Is he playing with my feelings or is he confused or is it b’cos i’m never good enough in his eyes? I do not want my self-esteem to be hurted by him, really. With lots of thanks and gratitutes.
heather June 2, 2012 at 11:36 pm
Eric thank you for this article first of all. I am in a verson of this situation. This guy started out very interested in me and I turned him down. He then would fight to get my attention. I soon became his friend he would confide in when he was having problems in his relationships. He has said at different times how he wishes I lived closer and how he wants to one day be the man of my dreams. As I have gotten to know him I love him more and more each day. He says he worries that he isn’t good enough. ( He is very damaged ) he has been hurt so much I think he fears the thought of losing me too. But I have noticed that when I show him a lot of attention he backs off. I wonder if its because he fears that if it goes to that point that it will end badly and that will be it. I really don’t know what to do but your articles have been helping. Thank you
marymary June 1, 2012 at 10:35 pm
I’ve been friendzoned. It’s never happened to me before. After much angst I decided just to enjoy it, why complain that a nice man likes my company?
Enjoyed your article. It’s never wrong to be happy (genuinely happy, not pretend happy).
Cori September 6, 2012 at 4:20 pm
some men (like in my case) like to treat friendzone as a way of getting what they want without necessarily commiting to the cause.
I want to get out of friendzone because this man I’m seeing wants all the perks of a relationship without necessarily giving me what I want in return. If someone is going to be my friend, they are going to be my friend…PERIOD. Kissing, holding hands, sleeping in the same bed, but then have the freedom to not meet any of my expectations isn’t going to work.
Mickey May 10, 2012 at 10:18 pm
This is the most refreshing article I have read on this subject… and the only one I have found that actually eases my mind. I am going through a situation that completely fits under the ‘damaged goods’ category. I am definitely going to be trying this out. Thank you!
jane May 5, 2012 at 11:12 pm
This totally happened to me.
I asked this guy out, he said no. He was really into this other girl. I said okay. I was more worried about losing his friendship. We’re very good friends and I kind of just left the situation alone and left him alone and moved on. We see each other all the time, so I really tried to not pay attention to him. Now, he’s crawling all over me. Except, now, I don’t want to date him. He’s still into the other girl.
But yes, leaving him alone and just taking care of me and worrying about what I had to do and not him, I think made him realize something he didn’t see before.
Jenn April 11, 2012 at 9:30 pm
Hey Eric, I have a question? Its going on a year and i have been dating a VIRGO male who is shy and he is mostly emotionally unavailable bc of a divorce when the wife cheated, remarried and had a baby with the new man. Its like he will get hold cold and weird. We got in a verbal fight few months ago and now are friends, so he says. He still flirts and I have to do most if not all the first calls and texting. He will text back and flirt and return my calls. He says being friends is easier, yet we will stay on the phone for 3 hrs and he is very busy at the gas station, grocery store and will get beeps and tell the other people he will call them later.Is he really wanting to be with me or only friends. I think he likes me yet is afraid to get close bc of his divorce. What do u think?
Molly April 5, 2012 at 3:42 am
I have been (embarrassingly) reading articles online about this subject for months, looking for reassurance or advice or answers of any sort. This is by FAR the best article I’ve read. One of the only good ones actually. Realistic and thorough, not pandering or silly. And the advice here is great. Most sites claim guys never truly put girls in the friend zone…too narrowly interested in sex…but I think I’m dealing with a case of damaged goods like you mentioned. That’s how we got close actually, I was the only person he could talk to about the girl breaking his heart. That was a year ago almost, and I liked him even then. Then I really fell for him once he started getting over her and wasn’t miserable all the time. Now it’s been some months and we talk all the time, spend lots of time together, even flirt. We’re best friends. I know he was badly hurt, and I know he didn’t like me like that at first, but I really do suspect he feels something for me now. He made me a Valentine’s CD. We cuddle (he initiates it) and hold hands (also initiated by him.) In the finger-strokey, I’m-telling-you-a-secret-message way. But we’ve never discussed our feelings for each other, other than how much we appreciate the friendship. It’s the only thing we don’t talk about. People tease us about being a couple, my friends say I’m crazy to doubt his feelings for me. But he hasn’t made an actual move. I’m afraid to because 1)no guy I’ve liked has ever liked me as more than a friend. 2) I know he isn’t keen on relationships after what happened to him. 3) Technically he isn’t allowed to have a girlfriend so I see it as his decision to step over that boundary. I respect that and wouldn’t want to pressure him. 4) We’re graduating soon and going to different colleges, might not be worth risking it now. Or maybe it’s the perfect time to risk it, I can’t decide.
Thank you!
Basically all I want is some clarity. I’m going crazy. I’ve never felt this strongly for someone, and never been this close to a guy. I’m sick of dissecting his behavior, searching for signs of something more. And if he doesn’t see me as more than a friend, then I’m sick of being led on. Friends don’t hold hands like that. I’m not going to hand out the girlfriend privileges to someone who’s toying with my emotions. I just want to know. But it’s so hard to bring up. I can’t tell if I should, or the best way to word it. It really is a complicated situation. I don’t want to lose him, but it’s hard to even enjoy him as a friend with all this on my mind. Any advice?
In the mean time I will begin implementing these tactics asap
Eric Charles April 5, 2012 at 11:10 am
Thanks so much, I really appreciate the compliments and glad you found it helpful. Glad to have you as a reader.
Melodia April 5, 2012 at 12:56 am
Hi,
So my friend who I vibed with so well decided to try dating me when I told him I liked him. He was lonely, got out of a long-term relationship and was depressed, and I was perfect in many ways except he wasn’t attracted to me. Since I didn’t think attraction was a big deal, and would develop in time (he thought maybe so too), we just started.
The thing I don’t get is before I told him I liked him, he would follow me around in a very light way. Not sexual, but he had a kind of man-crush on me, I guess. We would spend the whole day together, write long emails and have long phone conversations.
When we started trying, we went for walks and spent time at his house. Eventually, things got somewhat heated. And on most days, we would spend hours just lying together, watching movies, and he often pushed up against me. So I thought he was attracted to me, and the physical thing just developed.
But we went on a date-like date. It was our first. I got dressed up, did my hair, and he did too. When we went to the restaurant, he had a look of repulsion that I can’t explain. When we went back to his place, as he cuddled with me, he explained that he didn’t want us to be like that, and preferred our normal relationship at home together. And sometimes, he would get off me saying that he shouldn’t go far with me, since he’s not attracted to me enough to commit. He said he wanted to date many other girls.
Eventually we stopped things because that’s what other people advised. And it took 3 months to actually stop seeing each other. When we are together in groups, I still get this feeling of him following me around and wanting to talk with me. It’s like I’m his favorite person.
The question I had for Eric was about the repulsion I saw in his face. I saw it several times, and thinking about it now, it breaks my heart. I’m not that ugly honestly. And I think it’s fine that this particular person was not physically attracted to me. What I don’t understand is what that repulsion was? Why did someone who spent so much time with me, get grossed out by going to a romantic dinner with me?
The second thing about men I’d like to understand is the attraction/sex thing. He was always grabbing my very nice/large breasts, and he always wanted me in his arms, but how come he decided he was not attracted to me? It just doesn’t make sense to me.
I’m about 40 pounds overweight, and he has this fantastical idea that he’d be attracted to me if I lost weight and continues to check me out whenever he can as I lose weight. I’m not losing weight for him, but in the time that we are apart, I can’t help but hope he does get attracted to me. But at the same time, I am disgusted/saddened that this guy is “naturally” repulsed by me, as I am now. And think that he would continue to not find me attractive even if I were thinner/dressed hotter etc just cause we’re missing something. I wish though Eric you could tell me what that is. What is the definition of a man being attracted to a woman, and how can he be attracted to me, when he seemes physically repulsed by me? And how come he still wants me in his arms, when he’s supposed to be physically repulsed by me?
Men are confusing. And the memory of his repulsed face still breaks my heart every day. It helps me not to like him of course, but to know that someone was repulsed by me makes me feel very low.
Kelly April 4, 2012 at 4:24 pm
Wow, I’m in highschool
and these articles just make so much sense, even some of my adult friends said they wish they had guidance like this in highschool. High school is super difficult on its own wish I had foind this earlier. THANKS SOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!
Eric Charles April 4, 2012 at 4:34 pm
Thanks so much for the comment – glad to hear it’s been helpful for you. Glad to have you as a reader.
steph July 5, 2012 at 4:33 am
HI Eric,
I have a different story, i started to know this guy at work. He did the same when we started text lots, made calls and then we cuddled one time and then he backs off a week after. I was in some emotional distress in one area of my life and I tend to be needy and must have pissed him off. It was also when we cuddled that made me so attached to him as I thought it was already one sign that he likes me. I was wrong. I was also sick of thinking of the whole thing and him backing off so there was a time that I blurted out that I do like him more than a friend. He replied he was sorry to have led me to think that way. I was of course sad, he still talked and we exchanged smiles at work. What I hate the most is that when I text him he sometimes do not reply and when I am so determined not to text him as I get overly pissed he suddenly text me. I do not want to be mean, I reply when he sent me text although in my mind I want to do what he did to me but my heart is also saying yes go ahead and text him back. He mentioned that he like being with me but at this time relationship is not in his priorities. I am confused and now thinking of many things as one of my friend told me that our togetherness means something and even people at work are thinking we are dating. My other friend told me, he must be gay. I do not know what to think but I am just confused, I hate feeling down and getting affected by his cold withdrawal thinking of the wonderful start we once had.
Lirpa April 4, 2012 at 12:23 pm
Hi,
I have to say I love this website and all the articles I’ve read. Especially the dating/relationships articles….. I need some advise on what to do.
I met this guy in Sept 2011 and we have a fun time together and we text each other everyday. The thing is we’re not dating we just hang out as friends, but he treats me like a girlfriend which is nice but kinda confusing. He makes me candle light dinners, he surprises me with movies I want to see, he buys me gifts, he’s affectionate & very sweet. He is a great friend and I’d like to be more than friends. I read an article saying if you want to be more than friends with your guy friend you have to be patient. I have no problem being patient, but I would like to know how can I tell if he feels the same?
Also my friends have told me that it seems he likes me more than a friend just by the things he does for me.
Is he telling me something (without saying it) that I’m not getting it?
Patricia Price March 29, 2012 at 1:44 am
I must admit that you have the mind of an eagle, sharp, focused/and you don’t use useless words, you’re direct, straight and to the point…I find this most refreshing….and want to just say thank you….
Eric Charles March 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm
Thanks so much, I really appreciate you saying that. Glad you liked it.
jennister March 27, 2012 at 10:48 pm
Hi Eric, really good manly advice as usual I just wanted to mention what happened to me with the whole friend to fling thing. I met my best guy friend and future husband within a few weeks of each other 10 ish years ago. My bgf has been there for me through thick and thin and became part of my family but never anything more than friends. When my marriage ended I started talking to bgf a lot and we joked about him being my rebound (har har). He asked me out and things starting getting serious which was great for me cuz it took my mind off the disaster of my failed marriage but was not really able to make ummm rational decisions about what was going on. So after him leading the way and me happily following he decides he doesn’t have time for a relationship (wut? was that what was happening?) and just wants to be friends. I complained about my loss of fabulous distraction but tried to “give him the space he wanted” by going out with other people. That didn’t go over well either… something he said early on about wanting this for so long passed through my head… maybe he just wanted to slow things down not actually just be friends? Anyhow I was an idiot for obvious reasons and now he is not speaking to me at all. So I lost my hubs and bgf within a few months after 10 years together! I would just caution others that taking the friend thing to the next level may result in losing the friend no matter how much you apologize later. Now that I’m in a sane happy place I’m missing my friend way more than the ex hubs
Janine March 24, 2012 at 11:08 pm
Eric, I’m in a similar situation. I really could use your perspective.
I think I just made a bad move! I told this guy that I’ve come to realize my worth, that my time, heart and body is a prize, not to be given away freely (Which is not a bad thing). Then I tell him that I’ll remain forbidden fruit, off limits to him and that I’d like to be cordial, nothing else. After thinking about what I said, I’m beating myself up! No way was it even necessary for me to say that.
I think I only did say it because I asked him prior if it was okay that I stay in touch every once in a while, and he didn’t reply. It always feels like he’s playing mind games with me. In my prior message I told him that I didn’t want to pester him, and wanted to know if it was okay if I stay in touch every once in a while, and it was okay if he didn’t think it was a good idea, but he didn’t respond back to me. Now I feel like I’ve acted on impulse, instead of controlling my emotions and possibly have blown any possible chance of him ever being attracted to me again.
Cancuk March 24, 2012 at 12:56 am
“The sooner that you can accept that guys respond to the physical appearance of women, the sooner you can use it to your advantage”
really? REALLY? I think its great you are trying to help women with their self-confidence and all, but this is NOT the way to do it. Women are not just sexualized beings who need to “punch up their look”, “master their makeup” and “dress right”, and any man who requires this of a woman needs to take a long, hard (pun intended) look at himself before judging her. just sayin.
Eric Charles March 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm
OK, so you’re saying that these things won’t help a woman increase her chances with attracting a man?
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Ummm…
Lisa April 4, 2012 at 9:45 pm
Maybe you were just responding to the way he said it. Let me rephrase, pulling in another idea from the OP that you did not appear to object to. Guys like a new, blank canvas of a woman on which to project their fantasies. And they are stimulated visually. So if you want a guy to see you in a different light, try to look distinctly different from how he’s used to seeing you. You could get frumpier but it probably won’t help. So instead, take inventory and find a few things to improve. It’s not a big deal, it’s like remodeling your bedroom. The old bedroom was fine but it’s good to update, keep things fresh, take advantage of the new styles (dresses) and gadgets (zumba!). There is a surprising amount of wiggle room to express yourself within the confines of what guys like. Also it is amazing how even a small weight loss or good makeup application works on them, and most of them are seriously not asking for perfection. You want a magic pill to get guy friends’ attention, even better than being a stranger? Be an aesthetically better version of yourself. Coincide that with letting them see you date people, and that’s all you have to do. It’s actually pretty easy. But then there’s a whole new stage, which is figuring out who’s only in it to have sex with you. That’s covered in other places on here.
Eric Charles April 5, 2012 at 11:22 am
Lisa – this is a great rephrase of what I was going for.
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Part of the problem is simply because I’m a guy daring to suggest that a woman work on her looks to improve her chances to attract men.
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It’s silly, but if I were a girl suggesting the exact same thing it wouldn’t be an issue at all.
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I’m just here to help.
Lisa April 5, 2012 at 6:50 pm
I’m just really glad to read this article. It’s validating. No wonder I’ve been doing better in the romance department ever since I adopted the mantra “Always look better than the last time they saw you.” That plus patience, thinking long-term, like you said. Frankly I’ve come to appreciate my many imperfections for just this reason. Always a new trick up my sleeve, that’s how I choose to see it.
Mina Bertarelli March 22, 2012 at 8:08 am
Wow! Every article I read is more fascinating than the next. This one in particular is brilliant. It makes perfect sense and I love how you outline an entire battle-plan. Some people can’t handle the truth and most of your articles include: THE TRUTH. And like you wrote, if it doesn’t work, then, it wasn’t meant to be. It’s still a win-win situation. Thanks for sharing your effective and amazing advice!
SunShine! :-) March 6, 2012 at 12:37 pm
I told my mom last night I would do this!! This exact list! In the end it is a win-win, I will look GREAT! My goals will be accomplished AND I will be happy and fulfilled! Also, there could possibly be another GREAT FANTASTICALLY AMAZING GUY around the corner! lol Thanks for the confirmation!