How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone With A Guy (And Have Him Chasing You) post image

How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone With A Guy (And Have Him Chasing You)


So you’ve got a guy you’re friends with and somewhere along the line you develop feelings for him. Unfortunately, he only sees you as a friend.

Tough situation.  It happens to guys and it happens to girls and oftentimes, it can cause more heartbreak than an actual breakup.

Why?

Well maybe one (or all) of these scenarios apply to your situation. You get along better with him than anyone else.  You “get” each other.  He’s the only guy that you’ve ever felt truly understands you and with whom you can truly be yourself. He’s cute, he’s funny and when he’s around you, he completely let’s his guard down.  You get to see him as the man he truly is – an unguarded version of himself that he hides from the world and only seems to let you see.

You trust each other.  You might even say that you love each other.  And you love every little thing about him… you can talk for hours or even just be with each other in silence… and you know exactly what the other person is thinking.

So why, in the midst of this seemingly perfect situation, aren’t you any more than friends?  Or worse, why (when you told him how you felt about him) does he say, “I really love you.  You’re the most important girl in the world to me and I’ll always be there for you but I can’t be in a relationship with you – we need to just be friends.”

Well, I’ll give you a few reasons and I’ll also give you the ultimate pull-no-punches guide to getting out of the friend zone.

1.  Damaged goods:  There are some great guys out there that have had their heart broken one to many times.  And by the time they’re in your life, they have a lot of unclaimed baggage that they have yet to resolve. It’s an “It’s not you, it’s me” situation, except it comes before any relationship has even happened.

Problem is, your feelings for him and what your relationship could be or should be are just an illusion.  The reality is that when someone hasn’t healed past hurts and relationship wounds, they really aren’t ready to get into a new relationship.

Now there have been times where the so-called damaged guy jumps into a relationship seemingly out of the blue after months or even years of lamenting about how “damaged” he is.

This can happen for a few reasons:

1)  The new girl he jumps in with completely step out of that “mode” or “funk” he was caught up in.  See, while you were listening to him sulk about his broken heart and smoothing his hair, new girl appeared out of nowhere as a limited-edition item.  She attracted him and in some way made it clear (usually without a word) that if he wants her, he needs to act now or lose his shot.

It’s amazing how quickly a man will get his act together when he believes he might lose his shot at something.  (Hint… hint… hint)

2)  He knows he can put up a front and the new girl will buy it… at least, for a while.  See, you know your friend, inside and out.  But the new girl who just entered the picture is completely fresh – he can act like whomever he wants to appear to be and she’ll accept that that’s who he is.  But with you, you know what he’s still struggling with… and he knows you know who he really is too.

Sometimes a guy just wants a vacation from himself and his problems.

Sure, these arrangements always end up melting down (maybe in a week, a month or a year), but during that time he gets to postpone dealing with his issues and can numb his pain with a simple girl who doesn’t unearth any skeletons… for a while.

3)  The new girl had the advantage of a fresh “mystique” – that is, he doesn’t know anything about her and she put up a dazzling image that completely seduced him. The reality of relationships is that for them to move forward, they need to deepen over time. And part of deepening a relationship is knowing the other person more and more deeply and gaining a fuller understanding of who they are.

Your friend knows you deeply.  But the dazzling new Cleopatra that stepped into the picture is a blank canvas – he can paint her up to be anything he wants to image that she is in his mind.  The less he actually knows about her, the more he can fill in the gaps with his own fantasy.

It’s an illusion, but illusions can have tremendous power.  Just ask the advertising industry.

The solution here and the first step to getting out of the friend zone in general:

Let’s keep talking about the damaged goods scenario though and why it can be a major trap if you don’t catch yourself.

You have feelings for your guy friend.  You yourself have been a victim to your own fantasies and dreams about what you two could be together. Sure, maybe you weren’t drawing unicorns and rainbows with his name surrounded by hearts in your notebook, but you are definitely a strong believer that you’re “meant to be together”.

As romantic as all that sounds, it’s actually poison to your chances for success in you two actually starting some.  Let’s look at why:

To put it quite plainly, you want something that simply is not reality.  The more you try to force reality, the more it’s going to feel like pressure to the guy friend and the more he’s going to shrink away from you and guard himself.  He’ll stop feeling like he can trust you and he’ll start feeling like he’s a target for your own personal conquest.

Hollywood loves to spread this idea that if someone rejects you, you should just push harder and harder and harder and suddenly, some magic event will happen and you’ll end up together.

This is not reality.  It’s better I tell you than a straight-up reality check – reality can be pretty cold when it comes to this kind of thing. The good news is that there’s a way to avoid this and possibly turn things around.  Ironically the solution is:  Move on.

Not in a dramatic, mean-spirited or punishing sort of way.  I’m talking about moving on mentally and letting it go. Be cool with being just friends.  And be honest with him and yourself when you make the decision that you’re happy just being friends – people can tell when you’re faking it.

It can actually be one of the greatest lessons to learn to truly let a crush go and accept just being friends.  It’s compassionate and respectful to them.  And it also gives the other person the psychological “space” to possibly grow feelings for you at some point down the line.

Letting go and just being friends can be something you just do silently within yourself.  It doesn’t need to be a talk or event – you just simply decide you’re going to shift your attention to appreciating him for who he is and that you have someone who you enjoy so much in your life.

Backing off is the first step to this process.

RECOMMENDED QUIZ:  Are You Accidentally Destroying Your Love Life?

2.  He’s not attracted to you “in that way”.

OK, this one can definitely hit you like a brick.  As a guy, I remember back in high school when I had a devastating crush on my best female friend. We’d chat on the phone constantly.  We’d hang out all the time.  We got along great.

When I finally spilled my guts about my feelings for her, she said she just didn’t have “those kind of feelings” for me.  She loved me like a brother.  She saw me as just a friend. Ouch. I have to imagine the sting is just as bad for a girl when she hears that message from the guy friend she wants more with.

So what are you to do?

Well, even if your guy isn’t “damaged goods,” I hope you read the last section because backing off is a REQUIRED first step if you want to get out of the friend zone and possibly (even remotely) have a shot at having something more with him. You MUST truly be OK with being just friends right now.  Accept it and enjoy your guy friend as a guy friend.

It might be tough, but if you add gravity to the situation or romanticize it or dramatize it, it will be 100 times tougher. What I mean is don’t talk like you’re just friends, but then in your mind plan your wedding day and the love story that led to it.  Don’t cry and moan to your friends about how it’s not fair and how it shouldn’t be this way. Gracefully and maturely accept it.  It’s not easy, but if you can’t truly do this, you can kiss your chances of getting out of the friend zone goodbye.

Onward…

So now that you’re just friends and you’re cool with it, it’s time for a personal reinvention.  A head-to-toe makeover, inside and out.

I know some of you in the audience are about to throw something at me and scream, “Why should **I** have to change for him?  He should just love me for me!  I’m not changing for anyone, that’s so desperate and lame.”

OK, fine.  Don’t change.

But this article is called “How to Get Out of the Friend Zone” and not “How to Do Everything You’ve Been Doing All Along and Magically Get Different Results.”  See my point?

If you want this guy and want a different result than what you’re getting, it’s clear that you need to change what you’ve been doing.  That may be hard to swallow, but when you think it through it’s pretty clear.

Of course, you could just decide to give up and find another guy that appreciates you exactly as you are.  And that’s fine… maybe that’s even the better move in the long run. However, the fact that you’re reading this tells me that you probably have already tried that or you’ve looked and there’s nobody else who’s impressed you as much as this one guy.  So let’s talk about the game-plan (and I’m going to warn you, I’m not sugarcoating this – this is a blunt, no-punches-pulled guide)…

Your look

Guys respond to looks.  It’s not fair, we didn’t choose our biological / sexual makeup – it is what it is. The sooner that you can accept that guys respond to the physical appearance of women, the sooner you can use it to your advantage.

For the sake of keeping an already long article as short as it can be, I will briefly touch upon things you can do to punch up your look:

  • Get into the best shape of your life.  As a dating advice writer, I don’t like telling women to get in shape.  Some of my closest female friends and ex-girlfriends have had eating disorders in their lifetime.  It’s tragic and heartbreaking and I would never want any girl to have one.  So I want to be very clear: NEVER, EVER get into extreme dieting or ruthless fitness.  It may seem like the answer at the time, but in the long run you will pay dearly for it and I promise you that you’ll end up far worse off than when you started.With that said, I do advocate you eating healthy and working out regularly.  I eat right and I work out hard, but it is balanced – I used to go super extreme and I actually ended up getting worse results because of the strain I put on my body.If you feel like you could get into better physical shape, then pick a good fitness program and get to work.  Don’t worry about your natural body type or shape.  Guys are attracted to all different body types and shapes, but we unanimously like one thing: fit, healthy, happy women.  Aim for that – make it a goal and you will be very happy with the results.  (For further reference, see Ask a Guy: What Do Guys Think of Super Skinny Girls)
  • Master your makeup.  Makeup is one of the greatest advantages women have over men in terms of massively increasing their attractiveness with minimal effort.  Just ask Jenna Marbles in the video, “How to Trick People Into Thinking You’re Really Good Looking .”
    OK, I’m kidding with the last link… but not really.  In all seriousness, read A New Mode’s beauty section.  Next…
  • Dress right.  Whatever you choose to wear, be sure you wear it with confidence. There is nothing attractive about a woman who is fidgeting with her outfit constantly or one who looks uncomfortable. Confidence is magnetic to guys, so wear things that make you feel amazing about yourself. On this note, A New Mode has tons and tons of great fashion advice.  Look around and study up. As a guy, I’ll share the best fashion advice I ever got:  Wear what the mannequins are wearing and wear clothes that fit your body perfectly (and being that that’s the best fashion advice I think you can see why Sabrina is our designated fashion expert and not me!).

Your “Vibe”

  • Fill yourself up.  While looking good will  definitely help you, “filling yourself up” is the most important one of all here. What I mean is filling your life with things that make you feel happy and fulfilled.All too often I see women desperate wanting a relationship to fill them up.  They come to men with their hands out, begging to make them “whole” by getting into a relationship with them. However, no relationship will ever make you whole, happy or fulfilled.  That’s the little known truth – and a truth that Hollywood doesn’t you.The TRUTH is that you need to come into a relationship already happy, fulfilled and whole and allow your love of life and love of yourself to spill over into the other person. Only then will you get to have the relationship that you’ve always wanted.  You can’t come in wanting to fill an emotional void – you must come in whole.
  • A final note on happiness…  TV and movies portray an idea that quality men want to date “bitches” or that we fall in love with difficult women.We don’t.  Men who have choice will completely avoid unhappy, “bitchy,” critical, difficult women.  Why would a man want that?  Men HATE drama and being thrown off from enjoying our life.  Why would we want to be around a miserable woman?The truth is:  Men want happy women.  Men want women who are full of love and who love themselves and have confidence.  Men want women who love men.So if you’ve historically shown yourself to be an unhappy girl around your guy friend, that could be a major factor in what’s keeping you apart.  Men want to be around happy women who they know they can “win” with – at being your hero and making you happy.  Put positive energy out there… you have to trust me on this that it will work much, much better than being miserable.And you get this happiness from filling yourself up  (see above).

3.  ”Love is like a shadow, when you chase it, it runs away, when you turn back and walk away, it follows you.” – Unknown

I think that quote is a little extreme, but it illustrates an interesting point. It actually goes back to what I was saying in the last section – you will not be able to attract a relationship if you’re looking for it to fill an emotional void for you.

There’s a difference between wanting and chasing.  It’s fine to want a relationship.  But chasing a relationship is different.  It implies that you have a desperate need to have it, like it’s the only possible nourishment for your starving heart.  Poetic, but very bad for success…

I’m going to tell you something shocking.  If you can do this next thing, it will change everything for you.  But chances are, you’re going to protest it and want to fight me on it.  And it is…

Open up your dating options… start talking with and meeting other men.  Rack up OPTIONS.

Yes… in case your head is not computing that I’m telling you to date other men in an article about getting out of the friend zone with your guy friend… yes, I’m telling you to start opening yourself up to other men. And be earnest in your efforts.  Really put some energy into meeting new men and talking with new guys… you don’t have to date them or sleep with them or marry them.  Just talk with them and get some guys interested in you.

Who knows, you might even end up meeting a better guy in the process.  You never know if your true destiny is to meet your perfect man by accident… don’t resist this.

Open your options up so that you know that you’re not dependent on just one option.

I almost feel evil for saying it, but for some guys just seeing that he might lose his shot with a girl can be all he needs to snap to attention and reconsider his feelings for you… lest he should lose you to some other guy.  Worth noting, but in this case don’t make this your focus.

For now, this is just about options.

4.  It’s now or never.


OK, so you followed my directions word for word.  Good job… cause it won’t work if you only did the parts you wanted to do and ignored the rest.  The whole game plan is ... (continued - Click to keep reading How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone With A Guy (And Have Him Chasing You))

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Leave Your Comment Now…

unnone

i have been in this situation for five years now and i had no clue iabout any of this stuff that happened in this

Reply October 16, 2014, 3:11 pm

Jennifer

How do you get out of the friend zone with a guy who lives with you? I was the one that put him in the friend zone because I was engaged when we met. He moved from Florida to Virginia to live with me when I asked him to make a fresh start after his divorce was finalized. He was without a job at that time and his best friend has told me that he has told her he is very interested in me in a romantic sense but wants to get to a place in life where he knows he can support me and my children before actually making a move. Now that he has a job, even though it has only been a week, how can I give him that little push to go for it without scaring him off? Living together makes it a little harder because we can’t give each other the space necessary.

Reply October 15, 2014, 10:59 am

Unknown

There is a guy,when i was very young i crushed on him and i know that he also liked me,he was my classmate,we didn’t talked but we used to communicate through body signs and he also teased me through gestures but after 4 yrs he went abroad without confess his loved for me….thereafter we used to chat in Facebook but after 2yrs he came back to homecountry. I was waiting for his confession but he didn’t, my heart was broked and at that time one guy purposed me and i accept him because of anger,i was in relationship with him for 2yr,the one whom i was crushed i started to think about him again and i broked with my bf…now when i gives hints to my crush he ignores me now..i even don’t know he loves me or not… should i let him go or wait for his love? ?

Reply September 26, 2014, 12:32 am

Leigh

Yup, been there, done that, and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt when things did not work out between me and my best male friend it was more painful and heartbreaking than almost every other breakup I’d add with an actual boyfriend. Our extremely close and emotionally intense friendship was exactly the way Eric described; “You get along better with him than anyone else. You “get” each other. He’s the only guy that you’ve ever felt truly understands you and with whom you can truly be yourself. He’s cute, he’s funny and when he’s around you, he completely let’s his guard down. You get to see him as the man he truly is – an unguarded version of himself that he hides from the world and only seems to let you see.
You trust each other. You might even say that you love each other. And you love every little thing about him… you can talk for hours or even just be with each other in silence… and you know exactly what the other person is thinking.” That was my friendship with “Steve.” The funny thing is while I always thought he was physically cute, in 4 years of friendship I never thought of him as boyfriend material. I just didn’t see us working as a couple and didn’t feel that ‘chemistry’ with him. But that all changed one summer after we both graduated university (we were in the same program) and we had an unusually close relationship that summer. I was going through some very emotional and difficult times and he was my rock and confidante. It just so happened he was going through some different issues, but equally difficult ones and I was there for him every step of the way. It was as if we actually WERE boyfriend and girlfriend but without the physical aspect. And suddenly it hit me how much I loved him and couldn’t imagine my life without him and an explosion of emotions and sexual feelings for him just took off. Meanwhile I was getting strong indications he was feeling the same way. He was frequently complimenting my physical appearance, and flirting sexually; endlessly talking about how great I was as a person and how much he valued me in his life. One night things came to a head when we were hanging out at his place and he confessed that he was having conflicting feelings; “Sometimes I think of you as my best friend, and how much I care about and need you, but mostly these days I can’t stop thinking about getting into your pants. But I’m so scared to lose you…I’d be so afraid to take it to the next level.” And with that I promptly confessed my feelings for him and we ended up fooling around (not sleeping together though) for the first time in 4 years of knowing each other. It was amazing (as far as I was concerned). You would think this would be a match made in heaven. Well 3 days later he was supposed to come over to my place for supper (and probable sleepover) and he bailed. What ensued was a 3 hour emotional phone call with him saying that as much as he loves me, he feels that we are “too close” to be romantic and that our closeness is so deep he views me as family, like a sister. Huh????? WTF???? Since when do you have sexual thoughts about your sister and act on them? This made no sense to me. Because the whole reason we both developed romantic feelings in the first place is BECAUSE of how close we became!! We both ended up crying on the phone with me repeating over and over “But I love you! I love you so much!” and him responding with “I love you very much too….as a sister.” I was beyond devastated. We had been through so much together in 4 years of friendship and were heavily intertwined in each others’ lives. We knew each other inside out and he hadn’t had a girlfriend for years (but had counselled me on several relationships I had had during that time), and had always told me that I was the best girl he had known in years. I didn’t want to be with ANY other guy and couldn’t picture my life without him. The thought of him marrying another woman broke my heart. At the end of that summer, for unrelated reasons he had to move to another city about 200 miles away. He left town and from that moment on his entire demeanour changed with me. He became cold and distant and would go weeks at a time without sending me a single email. Between the geographical distance and the awkwardness that he clearly felt after we “crossed the line” it was apparent the friendship we had had was dead. Weeks turned into months with no contact. The next year he came into town and contacted me out of the blue and took me out for dinner. All the emotions came flooding back and I ended up bursting into tears in the restaurant. At that point I was over the romantic aspect, but was devastated that we had lost an incredible 4-year soulmate-type friendship because we were stupid enough to cross that line. That was the last time I ever saw him. Heartbroken, and wanting him to reach out to me, I never contacted him again, but hoped that he would contact me and try and get our friendshipe back on track. He never did. That was exactly 10 years ago. I eventually got over it, but to be honest when I think about what a needless loss it was I could still cry. Deep, meaningful, close friendships like that only come around a few times in a lifetime so it still pains me to think that we lost it because we couldn’t move on after having gotten physically involved. So I would say to anyone contemplating this to proceed with EXTREME caution. And the more you value that person as a friend, the more you should seriously consider not doing it. Unless it is clear that you are both 100% absolutely in love with each other and have both stated that you cannot imagine being with anyone else…I wouldn’t do it. It’s just not worth the risk. :(

Reply September 6, 2014, 9:12 am

giovanna

ITS EASIER SAID THAN DONE HOW CAN YOU JUST LET GO AND BE OK WITH BEING FRIENDS. OF COURSE THAT’S THE ANSWER BUT HOW DO YOU GET TO THAT POINT?

Reply August 29, 2014, 2:10 pm

Chazz

You need to be rational. Don’t think about it from an emotional point of view. Look at the positives of just being friends.

From my perspective, I’d much rather keep a friend that I get along with like no other, instead of walking away because of something like this. I’d rather be happy and enjoy myself and the time I spend with this friend, as opposed to being caught up in a whirlwind of emotional turbulence.
Don’t think of them as the missing piece of the puzzle, you need to be complete as an individual before you can ever hope to ‘complete’ someone else’s life. The same should go them.

Hope this helps.

Reply August 29, 2014, 6:18 pm

giovanna

it does help … but i think if 2 people are attracted to each other and have so much in common why not risk it … at the end if it does not work out i think at this age (32) we are mature enough to stay friends,,, i mean me and my ex husband are really good friends and have no kids to tie us together we just are …

Reply September 11, 2014, 2:29 pm

Lulu

I think I friendzoned this guy, cuz I was in love with someone else when we met. He dated other girls along the way. All of this in like two years. Then we had a big fight at some point and didn’t speak for a year, but after that I found myself being the one to reach out mostly and that kind of hurt, but when we eventually sat down to talk, he apologized profusely for hurting me and looked genuinely sad and seemed like he missed me, but it still puzzled me and hurt that I had to do all the work. (Same night, my ex came around and I ignored him for my ex cuz I still only missed the friendship and just saw him as a friend). We (friend and I) patched things up afterwards and it seemed our friendship was back to normal till another guy literally walked in and I ended up dating him, and he kinda had to watch cuz we hung out at “our spot” (where me and my guy friend used to hang a lot). I thought nothing of it, although he acted a bit weird about and withdrew, because I just always feel if a guy likes you, he will say so, ask you on a date or step up his game.

Long story short, that relationship ended after almost a year and I sought him out for a friendship again, we finally hung out, but this night was different. He looked so good and he turned on the charm and I liked it. He was very attentive, touchy feely, took control and we had so much fun my cheekbones hurt the next day from laughing and smiling. We kissed in front of everyone and it felt good. I was a bit drunk so I just remember the kiss feeling natural (as he described a kiss we had once like 2yrs before- was drunk, don’t remember it) there were no fireworks or butterflies, maybe cuz I just got my heartbroken not too long ago, but it felt safe and good. Asked if he liked me and he said “you know I do”, response in my head; “I’m not psychic”, but I asked him why he never said so, and I unfortunately do not remember his response, but I know mine was “I like being your friend”. That night, I got scared by the feelings and chucked them up as loneliness and I immediately blamed the alcohol in a text, declined as invite to hang a day later and tried to keep the friend vibe, again being the one initiating all conversations.

I’m finally tired of initiating and I’m going to pull away, but the problem is; that night is stuck in my head and I’m staring to realize that I adore him and I’ve just been scared of losing the friendship. Not sure what to do, since he didn’t really follow up after the kiss or bring it up. All my guy friends say I can’t bring it up cuz I’ll look desperate. I know I sound crazy but I feel like I will regret not trying with him, so what do I do in this complex situation. How do I get him to ask me out? (forgive all grammatical errors, typing fast at work)

Reply August 26, 2014, 9:53 am

Free

I absolutely agree! :-). For myself I to realize after dating this guy for 3 years and he kept getting caught up with women i said enough for me! I explauned to him that I love myself a lil more to think that I would even allow such with that in hand i decided to except being friends. And if he wants more than he would have to make preparation for me. He now opens doors, and I got an invite for lunch with a walk to the car and a kiss. How we can change the tune only if we as women listen.i like your views Eric Charles. Keep ministering to us :-)!

Reply August 17, 2014, 8:08 am

chazz

Hi,
this is great advice.
I was just wondering if there is anything different that you might add about a guy who says he isn’t looking for a relationship at the moment.
Either way, I feel like your above points are all relevant. So thank you for putting this article together.

Chazz

Reply August 13, 2014, 4:36 pm

Jane

This is such a great article, very true. However, It took a while before it sink into my mind, it is because i wasn’t in reality, and my mind wasn’t prepared. But once you have accepted the fact, you will see the core of this article. Very helpful! Thanks.

Reply August 9, 2014, 5:59 pm

Bri

Thank you for this great article! My best guy friend and I have a very deep, close friendship and it has been this way for almost 2 years, however, we have had limited in person time because we go to different colleges (he does drive down to see me and vice versa during breaks and we skype often, though). I know he has applied for a job where I live as he is graduating soon and I know that he intends to marry his best one day which are all points in my favor-there is clearly a connection and attraction. However, he hasn’t initiated any sort of relationship with me, yet. How do I push him over this edge he’s teetering on?

Reply August 5, 2014, 7:46 pm

emilyheart:-)

Hi :)my situation is very complicated. First of all, i have a bestfriend boy. And without controling it,my heart suddendly started beating faster when i saw him or texted him. Soo,i kinda like him badly(i didn’t tell him my feelings for him). And i found out that he liked me back. But for some religious reasons and because our parents were close,I felt that i had to friendzone him(and i did) I regret it !!!!!!and he got over his feelings for me afer a few weeks and for some again religious reasons, his family couldin’t go to our same church. so we kinda stopped seeing eachother. a few days ago, he asked for my advice about girls because he liked another one!! My heart broke in a milion pieces and because i feel HE IS THE RIGHT GUY FOR ME i’m asking you PLEASE tell me what should i do to make him like me back again :’(

Reply July 15, 2014, 6:19 pm

Lula

Several things can be going on here:
1. He didn’t really like you that much in the first place if he got over you that quickly
2. He still likes you, but is repressing those feelings by moving on
3. He still likes you and is trying to make you take him back
In this situation, it would be best to be honest. You gain nothing from not saying anything, and if he does still likes you, you are potentially losing out on the love of your life. So be honest to him, but don’t make it all crazy and dramatic. Just simply tell him you like him and don’t scare him.

Reply August 19, 2014, 10:21 pm

sadd

I’m in love with my bestfriend (a guy) and I finally told him how I feel..that was not the greatest idea .he said he does not like me that way..I cried forver because it hurts.. so imma bout to use the steps .Thnx Eric

Reply July 8, 2014, 10:24 pm

Eve

I can honestly say this works, and from the receiving end too. When I was in high school this guy had the hugest crush on me and I didn’t realize because he was one of my best friends. When he finally confessed to me I told him he was like a brother to me so he let it go and we stayed friends. After graduation we went our seperate ways and recently we got back in contact with each other and things are completely different. The space we had allowed me to stop seeing him as a brother figure and start seeing him as a man, and now we’re going pretty hot and heavy. I can say I was pleasantly surprised by the effect he has on me now, but we’re both so different and I suppose finally ready to enjoy each other.

Reply June 25, 2014, 1:11 pm

Jean

I GOT OUT OF NOT ONLY THE FRIENDZONE BUT THE FAMILY ZONE AS WELL, you know that stage you get to when he says he’ll never see you as anything other than a sister figure. Well I followed these steps a few months ago, and I followed ALL of them. I figured I really had nothing to lose, either I got him or I got a guy better. Tonight I finally stepped out of the friendzone when he kissed me goodnight and it wasn’t just a Peck kiss either, it was really passionate. These steps worked and basically I’M writing this to say THANK YOU. I was stuck in the friendzone for 3 years and just like that he was interested. Thank you so much for your advice!!

Reply June 19, 2014, 7:32 am

Eric Charles

That makes me really happy to hear. That’s awesome, good job. :)

Reply June 19, 2014, 12:51 pm

beth

Hi. I have been best friends with this guy for a long time now and we are really close we have slept together we hang out all the time and he always says he does not want a girlfriend and then he sends me messages saying he loves me and misses me. He has me so confused. One minute he don’t want a girlfriend and the next he has a girlfriend but its not me. He is so sweet and so good to me and I think he really likes me and just doesn’t want to come out and say he does. He don’t like to talk about things. I am also 13 years older. I feel in love witj him during the three months we were supposed to be friends sleeping together. He always sends me sweet messages and I don’t know what to do. Any advice. I think about him all the time. We hang out on his lunch break. Please help

Reply June 18, 2014, 12:49 pm

patricia

My guy and broke up in January we as engaged two days later he was with another girl this hurt me so bad and I’m still hurting.April she went to jail and going to be there for about 4 or 5 months. The day she went to jail he was at my door. We been together ever since April after a month I told him I couldnt see him no more because he told me he just wanted to be friends with benefits told him I was to in love with him to do it anymore 3 weeks went by and he started calling and texting again we got back together and he said less see where it goes so I agreed because I could still be with him well we were texting last Wednesday and he said don’t ever call me again I said ok if that’s the way u.want it then he started calling and I wouldnt answer Thr phone then he text and said please answer the phone he called three more times I texted told him to just leave me alone . We having spoke in 4 days and its killing me not to be able to talk to him see I’m scared he’s going to go back to his new girlfriend that he broke up with Mr for when she gets out of jail I feel like he using me for sex until she gets out. So I told him to leave me alone tovtdy and avoid some if the hurt I’m going to ho through when he leaves me again for her he told Mme he was going to wait for her to get out but then hes with Mr so I’m confused as what I need to do let him go or fight to be with him I feel like he’s my soulmate for life we click we fit its just like its suppose to be when were together I feel it when he looks at me but then this back and forth stuff is drivingme nuts.its got to stop I’m happy one week and crying Thr next.

Reply June 16, 2014, 2:05 am

Alis

Thanks for this excellent advice., Eric, so, so helpful and timely. Instinctively I’ve started to do just this, but seeing it set out so clearly, and pulling no punches, was exactly what I needed. Let me tell the women out there, from a place here on the front line of ‘getting out of the friend zone’ in this way, it is HARD WORK. Last night, for example, I only slept for 2 hours. I probably cried for at least 3. I have noticed, however, that he is texting me more – out of the blue, and saying more in his texts (though if only he wouldn’t sometimes put a kiss – X, and sometimes just a smiley face… for an over-analytical type like me, that’s a version of hell!)

Briefly, my story is that we met at a party… and then he THREW himself at me over a period of weeks. I felt like a bulldozer was coming for me. Never experienced anything like it. I thought he wanted more, but it seemed he didn’t. We met for coffee a few times after we ‘did the deed’ and he talked about his (heartbreaker) ex and about how he and I just ‘went with the flow’ so well, but I could see I was overwhelming him – I’m just so darn friendly and helpful! I treated him like a friend – male or female – but for me that’s REALLY friendly. My friends and I are all really into communication and meeting up!

He started to brush me off (I understood this as I’d recently sent scarily similar brush-off texts to the other guy I was seeing when I met him…) Eventually, after I felt my heart was broken, and I spent my days crying and trying not to throw up and taking baths, and we were barely in touch, I texted him to say I wished him well, had genuine affection for him, had no expectations of him, and that if we eventually had a coffee in a year, a decade, ten years, then jolly good. Take care! The guy texts back: how about Wednesday?

I met him – doing actually the opposite of the advice here (sorry!): I didn’t, for once, dress up. I didn’t even brush my hair that morning. He took my hand, said ‘you weren’t a one night stand for me, you know…’ And he invited me over. Over the last two months this has developed into a once a week ‘date’ at his house for movies, popcorn, and… more. Wild stuff. Hot and heavy. For a while. Except now he is totally into the snuggling. He loves to snuggle. And talk. For three weeks we’ve snuggled on the sofa, talked, and fallen asleep in each others arms. He tells me everything about his heartbreak, his emotions, his thoughts, his passions, his hobbies. He is very affectionate and tender with me. He has friend-zoned me!

Yet we never meet outside the house. Just our once a week snuggle-bubble.

By now, of course, because he’s told me EVERYTHING and bared his soul, I don’t just think he’s hot and interesting, but my heart is an ooey-gooey mess, and so long as I can stare rapturously at his slightly crooked teeth (hey, I’m in England, we all have crooked teeth here!) I am happy.

Tonight there are some bands playing. He’s going, to film a friend’s band. He texted me – out of the blue – to say what time the band was playing, but he didn’t ask if I was going, or say ‘hope to see you there…’ he’s friend-zoned me but ain’t so friendly! I want to avoid him, give him ‘space’, but I also want to go to the gig! My friends are going. So I’m getting dressed to the nines and going to the gig, and will greet him as a friend and then get back to my friends. That’s it. I won’t be coy. I won’t play games. But I need to get on with living my life. And that means neither avoiding him nor trying to see him. It means, in this small city, sometimes being in the same place at the same time. Maybe this is the wrong approach, and I SHOULD avoid him. But feeling good, ‘filling myself up’ and enjoying my own fabulous, communicative, exciting friends is part of that!

But it’s painful. It’s agony! I really feel my heart is broken in a billion pieces even though I get to hold this guy in my arms. And I know there is a big chance of it never going anywhere more. But Eric is right – you’ve got to get out there – be you, live your life, even if it’s hard at first and hurts like hell. Begin to move on… and see what happens. Maybe I’ll WANT to move on, after a while. Oh, happy day!

Thanks again! Good luck to everyone.

Reply May 2, 2014, 2:44 pm

Kelley

This has helped a lot. I have been in the friend-zone for 2 years with my guy. I really like him a lot and want the next steps but for whatever reason he pulls back whenever we start to get close. We have plans together thru the next 2 years…so I knwo he cares for me. I just gott aaccept it or move on. But I do want more.

Reply April 28, 2014, 2:05 pm

jessy

Ericcccc :* :* you are a life saver to me, i spoiled all of my day today lookin for something like this and finally I found it, Your article is simply superb and guess what I am already losing interest in him :D ;) well my situation is a lil more idiotic I must say, my friend and Me have something really weird and attracting, he flirts wid me, we kno each others pasts and i asked him to marry me :-/ i always had a crush on him n he knew it all the while, newys he asked me to have a relationship with him and i refused because i knew he was trying to date some other cleopatra :-/ .. n wen i try and maintain distance on group chats he tries so hard to get me talking to him, tries to annoy me, tries to put me down anything and everything so that i would talk or atleast fight.but personal chat he acts so hell cold.. but i think id rather let go the thought and MOVE ON. he is making his life and my life miserable because he is unsure of his feelings.

Reply April 6, 2014, 7:10 am

My heart is breaking slowly

My bf of 3 years just broke up with me. We met in church and he chased after me. He has a lot of responsibility to his family cuz of his culture, but we had a great relationship, he acknowledges the connection, that he is still in love with me. I am giving him space now, but I did feel that love for him it was actually exciting because we weren’t supposed to be affectionate cuz we broke up. Since the breakup I realized I contributed to it somewhat because he was already under so much pressure, and I relied on him too much even tho I did a lot for him he was able to depend on me too. But I didn’t keep my life going and complained and sobbed about the negativity in my life. It was just school and work the transition was hard and I didn’t handle it like a woman. But things r better now for me, I’m back to doing wat makes me happy, and he has seen a little of that. I feel guilty I wasn’t strong enough for him now it’s been 2 weeks since the breakup and I want to know how can I make him feel safe with me? Let him know I’m working to be better for myself but I truly love him, how can I take the pressure off of commitement? And how can I make him feel free if we get back together? I don’t wanna loose him he treated me like a queen was there for me wen I had nothing now my life is going good how can I make him see I won’t weigh him down and add to his life?

Reply March 26, 2014, 6:50 am

Confused

Hello.
I fell in love with my best guy friend a LOOOONG time ago. I stupidly confused my feelings for him he rejected me. I started dating this other guy (who I have now been with for 3 years) but sometimes I still yearn and wish I was with my best friend. Alot of people think he likes me but just was scared to mess up the relationship. I think that is stupid. He recently asked how my current relationship is going and I said its okay. He then asked if I still liked him I said “No you made it clear you never like me, right?” He said yeah true. we changed the subjects and he later said if I was sure I didn’t like him anymore. I said I was but truth is even though this guy I am with is great and all part of me will ALWAYS want my best friend. Is that bad? How can I let go completely? Should I even let go? Does my friend like me? Why would he ask so much.
Anyway thank for your time (who ever reads this) hope you have a good week.

Reply March 25, 2014, 12:10 am

tara

Eric,

Hope you will read this. What about younger guys? Do the same things apply to them? I’m crushing on a guy 5 yrs younger than me. He’s in his early 20′s and I’m in late. I don’t think I’m in the friend zone category because we’ve only known each other for over a month but we do text and have hung out once with a mutual friend. He flirts like crazy over texts but then ignores me at times in person. He’ll speak to me but will be distant and then asks for hugs and says well talk soon. I just got out of a 10 YEAR relationship so im definitely not looking for anything serious at the moment but I have developed feelings for him. He is fun, so into life and yea a little immature at times but I’m ok with it. He makes me view life differently. I find this young guy very attractive. I haven’t opened my options on dating more which I will but this young guy confuses me. Have you written about the younger guys yet?

Thanks for the great advice and tips! I look forward to reading your blog.

Reply January 13, 2014, 9:45 am

Kadri

Hi Eric,
I like your article. When I read these reasons why I´m in friend zone, It made me feel like you talking about me.
Two weeks ago I started following those steps. It is hard because I see him every day in work .
First step: I was backing off. I don´t stay to talk in the same room where he is. I finish my thing and leave. Usually we were sitting and talking all the time and I needed to back off. I were acting with him like his buddy. I try to be like a woman not his buddy, that is why I don´t stay in the same room with him. I don´t ignore him.
But yesterday when he pass by me, he did not look in my eye. Is he mad? Or this is his normal reaction? Maybe I´m doing something wrong?
Of course I follow other steps to.

Reply November 21, 2013, 5:59 am

witty

Dearly adored n respected Eric,
Loved ur article to the core! Especially the “damaged goods phenomenon”. It was as if u r narrating my own story! A guy getting out of a breakup having my support to gather up yet finding someone else to date n fall for!
Now not that I am just friendzoned but also he is in a relationship n what hurts the most is that what my 4 month old close friendship didn’t get him a 2week old relationship bought out of him. He is about to marry this very new girl in his life. Talked to her parents and already planning marriage! I am the one who has been destined to crush over this guy 4 years jus to end up as a close friend. I have stopped talking to him yet it makes less difference due to the girl that fills him up, where we used to talk daily now just once every week. I used to chat with him on the phone n this is true that I never went out on a date with him so no sexual tent ion developed. Well I belong to a conservative family n dating ain’t our thing so guess that ruined it. Yet ur first step helped him to majorly get over the crush n start excepting him as a friend.
Jus in ur opinion, I want to know should I leave it to destiny or should try something! My time is fully devoted to work n pampering myself. Now he has asked me to help him with some lessons, I haven’t dates other guys yet so should I Tart helping him or continue ur guide line on being friendly with his friends (that e also interested in me)???
Your reply would be gr8ky appreciated mate.
Xxx

Reply November 17, 2013, 7:17 pm

Annalynn

This is spectacular advice! I do have a question, erm, a few actually. The guy I like I’ve known since we were in primary school together. I’ve been in and out of his life being really good mates at some points then at others we hardly talk. I’ve suspected he might fancy me at some points during or childhood but it’s been so on and off I can’t tell if those feelings could remain. On top of that I have a psychiatric disorder that can really alter my behaviour for the worse which he doesn’t know about. And so I get the feeling he doesn’t trust me completely, nor should he have before. Now I’m getting mental health treatment and making changes in my life like my diet, wardrobe, exercise and taking pills for my disorder. We go to church together and occasionally he and his mum will drive me there. The guy’s parents like me but he seems kind of distant. But he does always message me immediately after I message him. He just went through a break up a few months back which seemed pretty bad seeing as everything was deleted from Facebook and they aren’t even friends anymore and his best friend just left for uni far away from here so he’s been feeling down about that lately.

Is there anything I can do as a kind of pal to show that I can be a great fit for him and that I can be a good support for my friends or just become better friends with him? Because even if we don’t get into a romantic relationship I’d love to just have him as a friend. I mean we already have a similar sense of humour, similar interests, follow the same faith even if our beliefs are a bit different, and even the same course of study at uni. And when we do talk we laugh a lot and have a really nice interesting conversation but it’s rare because I have a generally difficult time taking to anyone because of my mental illness and he’s on the shy side. Sorry if I’m blathering too much. I just want to give a fuller scope of my situation. What do you think?

Reply November 9, 2013, 12:33 pm

Annalynn

Sorry, just wanted to make sure that I am going to receive e-mail notification on replies.

Reply November 9, 2013, 1:02 pm

Melody

Great article!!! I was in the friend zone with a guy I really liked for a while, and I found that only after I gave him some distance and was able to separate myself from the situation that he came back into my life and now we’re dating! What also helped was the book “How To Get Out of the Friend Zone” (you can find it on amazon here: amzn.to/121yctG) which I really recommend to anyone in this situation, it has step-by-step advice and so many great tips and it actually worked!

Reply October 30, 2013, 9:16 pm

hopeless case

Thanks Eric for this advice. I read it a while ago when I was sick of the friend zone and sure no one else would do but the man I liked. I stuck to every detail. The only way I altered the directions was that I gave up on the guy in earnest and decided he wasn’t what I wanted, beyond the friendship. So then he decided to become what I wanted, and we are together still. I think your readers need to be advised, however, that if they follow your advice they’d better be careful what they wish for. It’s powerful stuff.

Himself and I were lifelong acquaintances, friends for 5 years, nothing had ever come of it. It was a long shot, let me tell you. Although he flirted with me, he also flirted with everyone. He was the biggest player in town, and because I knew him so well as a friend, I would not trust him for a casual thing. The streets of my town were paved with hearts he’d broken. There are 5 girls in town who are thinner than me and he’s dated each and every one of them, so I was intimidated by the superficial stuff, although I never showed it except by staying out of his bed. But over time I realized he saw something special about the friendship he had with me, so I went for it.

I dated people, dressed well, did the best with the looks I have. Every time I ran into my friend, he’d prolong the evening, taking me to eat after the bars closed, and saying good night as the sun came up. We had so much to talk about. He could not stop telling me how beautiful I was or how much he respected everything about me. But he was a player and of course he talked this way. “Quit that malarkey! With a player like you, I don’t stand a chance!” I’d say to flirt with him. But then I’d see him charming all my other friends, out on a date with another girl. I actually gave up on him. He was having his fun with me, making me want him more and more. He had no idea he was hurting me.

It came down to his other girlfriends. He told me he had feelings for me and I gently spoke my mind. “Your words say you like me, but your actions speak louder, and say you are not a one-woman man. But as your friend I respect that you are incapable of monogamy. I like you anyway, I’m just not a side dish. How can you even look at me and see me as a side dish? No, you say you like me but you like everyone. That’s ok, your friendship is a priceless joy I’m already happy to have. Someday somebody will know I’m the main course and all the other courses, and he’ll win my heart. You don’t know a good thing when it’s next to you, so go enjoy all your nameless sluts lines up around the corner.”

I wasn’t prepared for his next move. “You want actions?” he said, and tried to kiss me every time I saw him. He broke up with other girls he used to always go out with. He stopped kissing other girls on the cheek just to say hello, stopped flirting with everyone. He started calling me every night and keeping me on the phone for 4 hours. He talked about his values, his family, his dreams, which were all perfectly complementary to my own. He made jokes about marrying me and having kids with me. I loved it but I tried not to take him too seriously. Then one night he kissed me and I forgot to slap him.

We’ve been together for 6 months now, and they have been the happiest 6 months of my life. He assures me every day that he never wants to leave me. I’ve learned that he used to act the way he did because he did not think there were still women like me, and he thought I was too good for him. We communicate well, we can talk about everything. Our biggest ongoing relationship problem is that we hate to get out of bed. He is the only one who can handle me. My life has changed. He’ll see a photo from three years ago and whisper, “Remember that? Guess what, I was just as much in love with you back then!” I wish everyone could know this happiness. It’s a better world than you know.

Reply October 28, 2013, 8:08 pm

Joanie ikaika

Absolutely hands down the best advice I have ever in my life heard on the topic. You ended five years of me sitting there wondering what the hell was going on with this guy … Makes it so much easier to realize that it’s not me he’s having a hard time loving … It’s himself… And since I know him in and out its easier to keep escaping to women who don’t, and I watch him get hurt over and over and then come to me for comfort … I SERIOUSLY appreciate the perspective!

Reply September 8, 2013, 2:01 pm

Diaphane

Hi everyone,
im currently recovering from a break-up initiated by my bf. In the past few months he had some tough time, faced a depression and I somehow absorbed his negative state of spirit, I was his reflection. Hence, I was more quiet than usual and I should not have, I understand it now, that he does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I wish he could give me a second chance so he could see the rest of “me” and im planning to disappear for a while. This is where your advices are so useful.Thank you so much for still giving me hope that maybe he would come back in a while. I have nothing now, so nothing to lose. Thanks again for lifting my spirit up!!

Reply August 15, 2013, 9:25 am

G

Hi Charles, thanks for the great article. I followed advice #s 1 & 2 and I really enjoyed the process but while I’m doing so, he started making more time for me, trying to make me happy, etc. and I became less concerned on how he sees me. While all that is good and well, we started becoming more intimate after he makes all his efforts. While sex is not a major bargaining chip for me (as I have my own needs sometimes), I feel like it’s getting pretty intense for over 6 months now but we still haven’t acknowledged anything. The problem is I also don’t know if I am ready for a new relationship but I really do want to keep him interested while I’m figuring things out but if he is willing to have a serious relationship, the idea doesn’t bother me because he is a very important part of my life even as a friend alone- which I think is a great foundation. So I guess my question is, how can I continue this great phase without getting hurt at some point? I guess my goal at first was to get out of the friendzone which I think is working halfway but I don’t want us to become one of those friends who were intimate and just stopped at some point.

Reply August 13, 2013, 10:35 pm

CC

I’ve been divorced almost a year now. I have a friend who sends mixed messages. He knows how I feel about him and that I want to be with him. But he also knows that I cherish our friendship and am ok with just friends. He just has to decide what he wants. There has always been chemistry between us. He has told me in the past he loves me and has feelings for me, but he’s worried about the age difference (he’s older) between us and said back in January we should just be friends. I backed off and accepted just being friends. As soon as I backed off he began chasing and pursuing me. However, if I’m too receptive he backs off. Lately he has been calling & texting regularly, often just to say hi or tell me he knows I miss him. He gets jealous when I go out with other guys. I sent him a letter last week that basically said I was confused and didn’t know what he wants from me, that I took him at face value when he said just friends, but calling me baby, telling me he can’t live without me (even if he was quoting a song), and to think of him when I’m kissing other guys makes it seems like he wants more than friendship. I also addressed the age issue. Honestly, I think he is just confused as I am. He texted yesterday saying he read the letter and that we should probably go out to dinner and talk if I still want to. When a girl says we need to talk, it usually spells trouble. What does it mean when a guy says we need to talk?

Reply June 13, 2013, 1:31 pm

DCL

Great advice. My friend is “damaged goods” getting out of a hard 30 yr marriage. We’re older (65/ 50) and have been colleagues and friends for years. This past year while he’s been separated we started getting to know each other with weekly lunches (nothing more); he’s attentive and we really enjoy each others company. His pal decided to let him know how I feel about him, called him on our attraction, and asked if he was going to make a move. A resounding “no.” I reacted badly and shot off apologetic, defensive emails to my friend, who then sent me a lovely note about my being great, attractive, funny, smart, a best friend…but could be years before ready for a serious relationship. (I did the same after my divorce) He brought up my age as an issue (same age as wife) which I pointed out as unfair. And he said this was an opportunity for him to do all the things in life he’s wanted. He’s graciously acted like nothing’s happened between us, but I’ve gone from being flirty and fun to shy and embarrassed. After reading this I see that I need to be my confident self, not push, give him space, and move forward with my life while he’s in such turmoil. I know that I need him in my life as he’s the finest man I’ve ever known; so I accept the friend zone. For now. Your article is the best I’ve seen on the subject. Thank you for the bluntness, clarity of the situation, and what to do next.

Reply May 21, 2013, 9:59 am

DCL

This is the best article I’ve ever read on the subject. The man I want is “damaged goods” divorcing from a hard 30 year marriage. We’re colleagues and after a year of lunches together a pal told him how I feel, pointed out that everyone sees our chemistry, and asked if he was going to act on it. He said no. My friend then sent me a lovely note about being terrific, attractive, smart, funny, best friends… but that it could be years before he’ll want a serious relationship. I understand as it took me a long time too. Also, he’s older (65 to 50) and expressed concern over my age since it’s the same as his wife’s. Since then he’s graciously acted like nothing happened. Embarrassed, I’ve stepped back because I had no idea how to act moving forward since I’ve always been flirty. Your advice is exactly the right thing for me to do. Not pushing him, giving him space, moving ahead with my life, and not flirting so he doesn’t get uncomfortable. I choose to stay in the friend zone but with more space as it will be the best way to stay in his life; I need him in mine. Thank you so much for spelling it out and for the clarity. Excellent advice.

Reply May 21, 2013, 9:02 am

Jen

Ok so this is a “friend zone” situation with a twist. I met a great guy 10 months ago, his brother is dating my best friend. We hit it off pretty well and we got to a point of talking almost daily and we would hang out quite a bit. The one night we had a chat about where we were going, I had been divorced a year before we met and have a 6 year old daughter. He had been single for 2 years and in my opinion came from an abusive relationship. (not that he will admit it but what else do you call it when you have been stabbed in the face with a stiletto shoe by your ex, humiliated in public and beaten up by the indicator stalk in your car that she has ripped out to beat you with, not to mention treating him like dirt. She is a cocaine addict I might add and the relationship lasted 5 years) In a nut shell I didn’t have high expectations of a relationship, firstly because of my divorce status and being a “package deal” and secondly because I knew that he had been in what his family termed “Hermit mode” after the break up with his ex and not socializing with anyone. He lost his business and his car in the process and moved back home with the parents. So I wasn’t surprised when he told me he didn’t want a relationship with anyone.

After telling me all that, which i accepted, he kissed me. Not a peck on the lips either and not only the one time. I told him that I am not the kinda girl that does one night stands or friends with benefits and he said he respects me for that. Anyway, after the kiss, the next day, he got cagey, so I figured he was freaked out and I gave him space. The chatting continued, The next time I saw him everything was back to our normal comfortable, fun friendship. He then told me that I am the type of girl that brings value to his life and he doesn’t want to lose me. In the meantime his psycho ex moved back to town. She tends to ambush him at random and hides out at his house, he has introduced me to her, and I know that they won’t get back together, it just seems that after every ambush from her he is all cagey again. He does tend to complain about her and I once asked him why he tolerated her if she was irritating him so much and he told me that she has no family or friends (except druggies) and that she is always getting herself into dangerous situations and he feels an obligation to help her. I have left it at that, It is not my place to judge but I do see an impact on him when she has been around… in the negative.

I haven’t put pressure on him and I am head over heels in love with him, but here is the rub. He will sleep over at my house, no sex, but he will hold me. We have amazing conversations and he makes me laugh. However, he goes into these modes where he won’t talk to me for a couple of days. He gets visibly uncomfortable when anyone comments on what a lovely couple we are and I have to explain that I am not his girlfriend. He has introduced me to his family, but wont introduce me to his friends. He has told me he loves me, but then ignored me for a week after. Frankly it hurts. I do want more, I just don’t know if he will ever get there. I don’t know how long I should wait, if I should wait at all, or have any clue on what to do. I would be fine to leave things as is if he didn’t blow me off when we have plans to see each other or ignore me for days whenever he gets cagey. It just makes me feel like I am being punished for some unknown sin I appear to have committed. I want a future with him and he is worth waiting for, I just don’t know if he will ever feel the same.

Reply May 6, 2013, 6:45 am

Isa

Well, I’m in a similar situation and I’ve been trying to find a solution for about two years and a half… I just wished it would be easier to know what to do…
And I wish you the best! :o)

Reply May 6, 2013, 11:17 am

Jen

Thanks for the reply Isa, how do you cope with it though? any practical solutions? I seem to see saw between being ok with how things are and able to understand where he is coming from. (I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years so I can relate to a certain extent on that level) and then the other extreme is sheer frustration and despair. Especially when he gets all flaky on me, blows me off and won’t talk to me for days, things I don’t cope very well with at all. It takes all my self control not to react in a needy or irate manner.

Reply May 7, 2013, 1:54 am

Isa

Hi Jen!
Well, I live or have the same dilema. Sometimes I’m ok with the situation (I’m also the person that he turns to, when he needs and with whom he feels safe and happy), because I tend to tolerate a lot of things, mainly because I like him so much. But then, there are sometimes when I can’t deal with it. I have to go away and not be in touch with him. Right now, I’m in that phase. I need some space, so that I can breeth and think things through. It’s not easy to say what is right or wrong, and it’s easy for people to say to leave things and forget. How do you forget someone that you like…or love…? It’s really a dilema and like you say, it takes a lot o self-control, in order to make the right move or say the right thing. If I had the power of controling my feelings… I just felt related to everything that you said. :o) It sounded familiar and it was nice to see that I’m not alone… Sometimes, I feel or I think I’m really naive… :o/

Reply May 7, 2013, 10:12 am

Isa

Well…just one more thing. Because I can’t decide to end things up with the guy that I like, I just realised that the only thing in my power and that I can control is my life. So, I decided to end a project that I have in hands (a phd) and I’m going to try to focus on that. I can’t control what he feels about me (and to be honest, I really don’t know what that is; he just tells me that he likes me and that he likes to be around me). Then, I believe in time. I believe that time will ‘find’ a solution. I can’t force him to like me the way that I want him to like me and I can’t force him to choose. At least, I’m not going to do that. I just have to live my life, at the best I can…whether he stays with me…or not. If only things were much easier… Does this make sense to you? : o )

Reply May 7, 2013, 10:29 am

Jen

Hi Isa, It does make sense to me and I can relate to it, everything I have read so far however says that we should cut our losses and move on. I just haven’t been able to find anything applicable to this particular situation. I don’t chase after him or lay myself on a platter for him, but the reality is that I am his first point of call when the chips are down. We do talk daily and we have a really great time together. I am limiting my options with this because I really have no idea if we will ever progress as a couple. He is still very reclusive, barely sees any of his friends and it takes a bit of fancy footwork on my side to get him out and about socializing with his friends. He is a really great guy and I know he is hurting. To lose everything he has worked for by the age of 35 is a bitter pill for anyone to swallow. Having the ex around to remind him constantly of what a failure he is all the time also does not help him, or me for that matter. He has told me he loves me, (without coercion) and when asked where we are going with all this he simply states that he is a total F* Up and is in no way capable of giving me what I need, I have told him that I don’t really care about stuff, I care about him, knowing him brings value to my life, that is what is important to me. (I don’t ask anymore BTW, he gets all freaked out apparently) I lead a very full life, and basically I am at the point where I am not looking for anyone else, but if someone happens to come into my life that I can connect with then I will re look at my situation. I guess I just wish there was some way to know how to help him move on with his life without being an emotional crutch, and more importantly how to build a future with a man that has given up on one. He will talk about wanting to buy a house, plant trees knowing that one day our grand kids will be on swings hung on those trees, and then just as quickly he dismisses it as something he will never achieve. I am his friend, I know he loves me, I know that I am the closest he has come to anyone in the last 2 years, I am in love with him and I want a future with him… I guess I am really confused and looking for a band aid that will magically fix this.

May 8, 2013, 2:56 am

DCL

You two need to stop making excuses for these guys. Stop romanticizing a good thing that isn’t really there. Stop talking to the losers. They aren’t dating you or treating you well. Where’s your self-respect? It IS as easy as cutting ties and moving on. No, it’s not easy but that’s part of acting maturely as an adult. How many more months or years do you want to waste? Time “doesn’t find a solution” and there is no magical Band-Aid. But there is being a grown-up seeing situations for what they are, and acting in your own best interest.

May 21, 2013, 10:25 am

DCL

You’re getting played, and wasting your time. He’s not obligated or responsible for making sure a crazy Ex who ambushes him “is ok.” A normal man would have left and cut ties, especially since they don’t have kids. What – is he going to watch over her his whole life? Doubt it. But I bet she’s a crazy, psycho because they’re having sex yet she knows he sees you. That said – since when is his concern for her supposed to be greater than his for you? And you allow it? As for the sleeping over and holding each other…OMG, you have a daughter in the house. She doesn’t need the drama of a guy around taking away your attention. How about you put your daughter first, not date or bring home guys, and raise her… He loves you – no, he doesn’t. Guys who love women proclaim it to everyone, and they treat them well, and introduce them to all the important people in their life. And they make that woman’s life easier – not filed with anguish. You’re fun, convenient, he can crash at your place, and doesn’t have to take you on dates. Stop reading into his kiss, his look, or whatever. You should do better for yourself and your daughter. Or is this the kind of man you’d think was a good match for her? Cut ties and move on.

Reply May 21, 2013, 10:16 am

Isa

Hi DCL!

Well, in my case, I admit you’re right in some of the things that you say. I just wished it could be easier for me to act diferentely. And it’s not about being mature, or act like a grown-up person. It really depends on how you act around other people and how they react towards you. But I’m starting to move on. And when I said that ‘time will find a solution’, I really believe that time will determine if we stay together or not. But I’m not going to wait (forever) or avoid doing things that I have to do for me. I just believe that people are ment to be with us if that’s what really is ment to be. Did you ever met someone that you felt that he was special? This is the case. And I’ve dated some guys and, later, some became my friends.And one of them is one of my best-friends. This guy is just different. That’s the only thing that I can say and that’s why it’s so difficult for me to cut loose. But I understand and I know that I have to change my attitude towards him. Mainly, because, as you say, I have to treat myself better and I have to focus more about me. :o)
And in the past I had, more than one time, the experience of having a guy that becomes more interested in me when I start to loose interest in him. But that’s not a good sign. When that happens, it’s impossible for me to become interested again. It’s just over for me. Our timings were wrong. When I wanted him, he didn’t want anything serious. When I loose interest or I give up, he acts on the opposite way. Maybe I’m acting wrong or doing something wrong, I don’t know. :o/

Reply May 22, 2013, 9:27 am

Anais

These types of things can only work for you if you’re also in the place where you just want to be “friends” while keeping your options open for dating someone else for a relationship. You can either accept the situation as it is or move on.

He’s not good relationship material. If you’re pining for him for a relationship it’s best to move on. Don’t tolerate things just because you like him. How much you like a guy should be based on how much he invests in you, not how good he is on paper or the amount of physical chemistry. Treat him the same way you’d treat a guy you aren’t as crazy about who does the same things. A lot of us ladies fall into this trap of letting things slide just because we like the guy. It works against us!

Reply May 21, 2013, 10:53 am

Anais

Also if a guy has issues and you’re waiting for him to get over him, don’t play his therapist and help him figure out his problems. Leave that to him and/or his other friends or his mother or whomever. We often over nurture too much in that motherly way thinking it will connect us to him more and it’s the opposite. It dampens his attraction for you. It sounds counter-intuitive to not “help” a guy you like but trust me it’s not. Tell him your’e sorry to hear that. And if he continues just tell him you’re not his therapist or that you don’t feel comfortable talking about the subject anymore.

Reply May 21, 2013, 11:22 am

stephanie

ok… so i like this guy that’s my closest guy friend…i kinda told him that i liked and he gave my that line where he says “u need to find a guy that would give u feels back because i think of u as my sister.” I want him to like me back…. he tells me that i’m beautiful, out going but i think he says that because i’m his friend… just not to long ago he told me that the first time he saw me he thought that i was cute before we even started to talk… we are so close, i tell him all my problems and he helps me out..he even knows when i’m sad and he lets me cry on his shoulder… i don’t know what to do, i want to get out of the friends zone before he fonds a girl that he starts to like… Every time i think of him finding a girl that he likes i start to cry because i don’t want to loss to a new girl… i want to be his girl and no one else’s… i was dating someone and i couldn’t get him off my mind,so i stopped dating that guy so i don’t end up hurting him… Everyday i think he’s falling for me but i’m not sure if it is that or i’m just going crazy….. when i don’t text him i feel off, i feel like i’m missing something on that day…I REALLY NEED HELP BECAUSE I WANT TO GET OUT OF THE FRIENDS ZONE….. PLEASE HELP ME…….

Reply April 14, 2013, 1:21 am

Summer

I sorta understand how you feel… But regardless, if he says, “You need to find a guy that feels the same for you.”, listen to him!!!!!!!!!!! The best thing to do in this situation is like Eric said, move on. That’s the best thing for you to do because you deserve better, so much better. And if you need to stop being friends with him altogether, then so be it. You can find someone better.

Reply April 14, 2013, 5:51 pm

DCL

You need to calm down and back off cause you’re the one causing yourself all this pain. You’re not in the friend zone. You’re in the “desperate for him to like me” zone which is a lot worse. Stop texting him and having your feelings revolve around him replying or not. Stop crying on his shoulder. Men like a little mystery and it sounds like you’re an open book – and a sad, depressed, anxious one. Stop comparing other dates to what you think you might have if this guy were yours. He’s not. He doesn’t want to be. He’s made it clear. Stop beating your self up and move on.

Reply May 21, 2013, 10:42 am

Anais

^Well said. Also “I stopped dating that guy so i don’t end up hurting him” Never drop someone else just because you’re afraid of “hurting” a guy. Men like women who put themselves first. So women need to get out of this mindset that it’s wrong to date more than one man when none of them have “claimed” you. It works against you to focus on one man who isn’t committed to you.

Per Eric’s post, men are opposite of what women think. When they haven’t been paying enough attention to you and see you with someone else, they don’t lose interest. They become more intrigued by you when they see you have other options. I see it happen all the time in my dating life and I’m not even doing it on purpose. lol. It makes them rethink the way they have been with you a lot of the time. It sounds ridiculous but it’s true! Also if this other guy you were dating was treating you right, what reason was there to bail? How a guy treats you is the first thing to look at.

Reply May 21, 2013, 11:31 am

ANGELLUVLY

Ok so I followed everything this article said to do… And now I found that my friend zone is still friend zone… I’ve even started dating a guy and he’s really nice and all but he’s not the one I want nor love. My best friend just keeps telling me that he’s happy for me and the old “good for you” line. I even moved out and got my own place. Been doing a lot of ME time and getting back into shape. I don’t text him as much anymore and I’m distancing myself from him but the more I do that the more he does the same. Eric I am losing this battle and I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to lose my best friend and the man I know I’m supposed to be with. Please tell me what to do now.
Respectfully~
Angel O:)

Reply April 1, 2013, 3:13 pm

G

“The man you supposed to be with?” It doesn’t sound like you followed the first step?

Reply July 14, 2013, 4:32 am

Sarah

Dear Eric,
I have liked this guy I met at work for about 6 months. He is kind, smart, funny and everything I’ve ever looked for in a man. We used to walk every day, twice a day and get to know each other. We have hung out on several occasions outside of work as well as texted fun conversations. I went away to Costa Rica over Christmas and when I returned he seemed much fonder, inviting me out to dinners and lunches…even on Valentines day. We then ended up having a conversation about dating and I told him I would date him if he was interested. He proceeded to tell me we had gone on a few dates and that it just wasn’t there. I remember him telling me once a girl who really liked him, stopped liking him and then he liked her…so I responded in kind telling him I appreciate his honesty, and respect his decisions and that I would win either way because I know more of what I want in a man since meeting him. He said he’d love to continue the friendship as he loves to be around me, we have lots of common interests and I’m and interesting and fun girl… But he had also been devastated by a previous relationship. After this convo I’ve held back from contacting him, but he texts me often and asks to hang out as well as posts and likes most of my stuff on Facebook. He also longingly stares at me when he does see me…our situation has changed at work and he doesnt walk with us often but when he does he def flirts, laughs and smiles at me. I’ve been busy the last several times hes asked to hang out, and I’ve started to respond slower to his texts. Yesterday he posted on fb that he thinks he’s ready to find a woman as he’s come to a happy place in his life… My question is this: if he said it’s just not there… Public it ever be? Am I imagining that he does like me and since I’ve pulled back some he’s contemplated it more? How should I react if he asks me to run or hang out with him again? Am I doing the right thing by acting as if I’m not interested anymore? Should I not be? Should I ignore him on fb and social media? I’d ideally like to let this all go and hope for the best… But having a hard time dating other guys cause I compare them all. I wouldn’t change a thing about him… And would love the opportunity to date him again. What should I do??!

Reply April 1, 2013, 2:48 pm

DCL

Yes. If you take yourself out of the picture for awhile, make the changes recommended, and casually and with great confidence bump into him. But no texting, talking etc. till then’ you’re just too busy.

Reply May 21, 2013, 10:38 am

Talls

Hi! I have liked this guy for awhile now. When I first met him, he was dating my friend, and I only saw him as a brother. Turns out, he thought of me more than that. Time went by and I find myself liking him more than a friend. But it seems in turn, he now sees me only as a sister. He knows I have feelings for him though. I am looking forward to trying out these tips though, and it has inspired me.

More of my question is, is there even a chance that he will see me as more than a sister again?

Reply February 13, 2013, 9:06 pm

Angelluvly

I live with my best friend whom I’ve loved for the past year, but I’m in the friend zone. He knows of my feelings for him and before I read your article I have started doing this. I want him to see me happy and moving on. I have fully accepted our friendship and have let go. As much as I HATE it I have. I still cry, but he doesn’t see that. I have recently noticed that he is worried about me moving out and getting my own place. He even broke down and told me not to leave him “ever” but I have to for my own sanity. I love this man way to much to stand bye and see him be with someone else. I am not dating hit I do have options open. This article only inspired me to keep doing what I’m doing and hopefully he will see how good of a person I really am to him and eventually want me. If this doesn’t happen I’ve prepared myself and will continue to move on. I will keep you updated on my progress. Thanks for the encouragement.

Love, respect, Amgel O:)

Reply January 21, 2013, 12:51 pm

Sally

Ok, so today a friend of mine said- friended? That’s such a girl term. No guy every says that. A guy knows within 1 second whether he wants to sleep with that girl and the “girlfriend” comes after that.

I don’t know how typical he is but it hit home… Is it true? Is that a term us girls have made up?

I’m convinced that the day I met my crush- he crushed on me- regardless of the amount of time it’s taken to get to a) the first kiss and yes finally b) the first date. Not somewhat backwards only because we’ve known each other in some way for 9 months.

This guy sounds like an attention seeker central. And that is a bit strange. I would be inclined to think that he does only see you as a friend but because he likes the attention you give him is thoroughly seeking a sacrifice from you to gratify him. Ignore him and move out and move on.

You’ll meet someone who gives you the same amount attention you give them!

Reply January 21, 2013, 7:27 pm

Summer

So…Eric, I have another question. I don’t think you mentioned this in the article, but what if the only way a girl feels she can get over a guy is if she stops being friends with the guy altogether? Just of curiosity, does that completely ruin that girl’s chance with that guy? And would it make a difference if that guy was damaged goods or not?

Reply January 15, 2013, 12:31 pm

Sally

Hey…I don’t normally post on these forums, but really felt I wanted to as this has been a long process and I’m interested to see what people think.

So, about 9 months ago a new guy came to work in my team, I think I instantly felt a connection but I didn’t really realise it until a month had passed. 3 months went by and I got drunk one night. At that point i’d already started flirting with the boy next door and he was starting to get interested – think we’d had 2 dates but this guy was still on my mind. So drunk as I was I had the gall to say to him – “have I got this wrong or is there something between us?” he said “no you haven’t got it wrong, there’s a banter but I’m damaged goods” I thought what does that mean? Then said “cos the thing is there’s another guy interested” he said “ok well go with him”. So I did – and that was that. I went out with my neighbour for about 3 months – he turned out to be a disappointment and the work guy was fully aware when I finished it. During that time I didn’t pay as much attention to him but the attraction was still there. In the 3 months since, he’s been hot and cold with the flirting – and more cold recently. The whole time my boss has made jibes at us both…as if we should just get together. January started and I thought – I’m sacking this off it’s going nowhere. Then this week, I had a terrible week at work, and my mood was entirely different – very down, and he saw all of this. It wasn’t anyone in my team and they were all supportive. We went out on Thursday night and he and I ended up at the train station together. I also took an ex of mine along to ruffle some feathers…maybe it did?! He was very relaxed and laughing about stuff with me on the way to the station. I’d learnt that his previous relationship had lasted 8 years. So anyway, it came to the crux and I asked him if he was going to kiss me goodnight. He started with an excuse, I have a cold he said it’s not an excuses I said if you don’t want to kiss me say, but I think you do. He said but we work together – and I said oh that – park that, it’s separate. He said it’s different is it? I said yes, he said ok and kissed me. Full on kiss, and I managed to get another one but then he practically pushed me to the train saying i’d miss it if I wasn’t careful. So I think he’s still reticent and scared maybe, worried. My plan of action is to act cool on Monday. Give him the space show him no pressure…. but I think perhaps there’s a barrier broken through? And kind of happy that I didn’t make it all up…I think he does like me. Look forward to receiving your comments!

Reply January 12, 2013, 12:06 pm

DCL

Wow, you sure cornered and put a lot of pressure on him. He tells you to see someone else and somehow you think it’s a test that he likes you? Sounds like you’re doing the hot/ cold thing too. And daring him to kiss you – not smart. You’ve now made this guy so uncomfortable…oh, and you have to work with him. Which by the way, having your boss know is so uncool, and could potentially damage your reputation, and or be grounds for a harassment complaint, or get you fired. There’s so much wrong here. He doesn’t want you. Sure he’s attracted but that doesn’t mean he wants you. Stop playing the games, stop fantasizing he’s the one, comparing others to what you think you could have with him, and cut him off. He can’t be your friend now.

Reply May 21, 2013, 10:36 am

Sally

Lol… This is quite old now- it made me laugh- finally a reply to all but I like the cut the crap attitude! Nah i didnt corner him we weren’t a work- we were at the train station on the way home and he made a comment and i didnt know what it meant- hence my moves. Nah my boss was pushing telling him to sort it really- and no claims (and get real i didnt make him do anything!) we both contract things like that don’t happen and I’m used to awkward situations – this was one never considered – and easy to leave my job if it got awkward. Anyway it didn’t- so the upshot- we met up – I was massively late (no fault of my own) he gave the I don’t want a relationship speech etc etc boys this is so boring and ruins the mood! So got that out of the way – rubbish sex and then come Monday he’s the one that’s coy/laughing not playing it cool- 3 weeks of flirting it happens again no talk of stupid and just fun- much better this one and then he’s tried to make it happen since- no – I won’t let it just become that so Agreed- cut and moved on- he’s the one playing games not me- I just don’t play up to it! :-) he was never going to be my friend- he’s kept me at arms length and this was really the first time I was let in… It’s all part of life’s rich tapestry and shouldn’t be shoved aside :-)

Reply May 21, 2013, 5:47 pm

Macy lee

Thank you! This article helped me SO SO MUCH with my relationship problems! I think a lot.. And that usually makes my situation worse. This pretty much cleared my head up a little bit. I was going to ho throw an emotional breakdown but now I realize this is how I should be acting, just as friends, until something more happens. Everything you stated is true and matches my situation perfectly. You don’t know how grateful I am to read this because it helped me out a lot… Thank you so much, I love it !! <3

Reply December 6, 2012, 10:14 am

Liz

Hey! It would be amazing if ANYONE really helped me out here. I’m only 15, so calm down. I have liked a guy on and off for almost 9 years. So lets just start off saying we have a “history”. We do the corniest things together, and are really great friends. Everyone says we are “meant to be”. But whenever someone brings up both of us TOGETHER, things get awkward, for a little. Then we just laugh. He held my hand the other day. It may sound stupid, but I really loved it. We held hands for like a minute, then he looked at me, smiled, and turned away. He told me he loved me too. And he tried to hide it. We were play-fighting and he mumbled “I love you.” . I know these days that doesn’t mean much, but I felt something there. He is really confusing me. We flirt a lot. I don’t know if anything is just friendly, or he really wants to be with me. I have been holding in how much I like him. And I like him, A LOT. But I don’t know how to ask him why he held my hand, why he plays with my hair, why he always cracks jokes with me, if he really doesn’t feel anything. I have no idea if he likes me or not. I am really confused. If ANYONE took the time to read this, I love you. If anyone will help, I won’t ever be able to thank you enough.
Please help me:)
~liz

Reply November 26, 2012, 11:03 pm

Liz

Thank you so much for all the help just from this article. I would really appreciate it if you helped me in my specific situation.

Reply November 26, 2012, 11:06 pm

Monique

I am the stereotypical serial single friend with all the good dating advice, so here goes. If you got an “I love you” and he denied it, you’re set, no questions asked. What to do with that? Honestly, get some guts, but I get how tough that is, so leave yourself some exits. Approach the topic so honestly and frankly that its impossible for him to dance out, but make it fun, friendly, teasing so you can back out later (warning: overdoing this will scare him, but its necessary to leave yourself a way out so be careful). Therefore, I suggest keeping the expression in your eyes open and genuine so he remembers that its still you and that its okay for him to be honest. If he likes you, as it seems almost certain he does from what you said, you’re set…good luck :)

Reply December 11, 2012, 3:56 am

Summer

Well, I’d say the only thing you can do at this point is to ask him if he likes you.

It may seem like kind of the wrong thing to do, considering that a guy should make the first move and all that, but 1) you don’t want to waste your time wondering (because trust me, I did that, and I ended up losing the guy I had really liked to someone else), and 2) let me tell you something.

I remember about a year ago or so, I told the guy I liked that I had liked him and even asked him if he liked me. He didn’t say necessary yes or no, but I’m telling you, after our little flitarious interaction with each other, things started to turn around. He was texting me more, and he even invited me somewhere that weekend! And this was coming from a guy who had hardly ever intiated texts, had liked someone else, and was a player.

Flirt with him back, be playful with him, and most importantly…be confident! And then find the right time to ask him. They say you gotta make some sacrifices to get what you want in life.

Reply January 15, 2013, 11:54 am

Sara

Eric-
I have read your article and agree with every word. I have been friends with a guy for about six months now and we have lots in common and the sexual attraction is there for us both BUT he refuses sex. He said it would happen when it’s right and he wanted to respect me as a woman before we jumped right into that. He is damaged goods from his parents letting him down and an ex wife letting him down. He is very guarded and about two months ago he started puttin it down, allowing me to be more connected to his life. Three weeks ago, he was sent to NYC to help with Hurricane Sandy. His first day out there we had a text argument over something stupid and I thought we were over it until last night. He brought it back up and durin this six months he lost his job and I paid his 2500 rent to help him. In the conversation tonight he said he is going to make sure I’m paid back ASAP because he doesn’t want to damage our friendship any further. I REALLY like this guy and feel like before he left, we were getting to where I wanted to be. He will be coming home in a few weeks and the day he left I went on a diet and etc so without drama, in had wanted to better myself for him and now idk how to take this grudge he’s holding. I think I could possibly be in love with him and I’m afraid! If I start seeing other people won’t that just make things worst?

Reply November 15, 2012, 4:40 am

Wmpw

You are SO right about damaged goods… My bestie (whom I of course have feelings for) just told me he went out with a 20 year old! He’s 33… obviously it’s just a distraction from his pain from past relationships (emotionally unavailable, cheated on several times, doesn’t want to get married, etc.). It’s hard for me to deal with, but I know this can’t last.

Reply November 12, 2012, 8:25 pm

MPP

Is there a good way to get over him emotionally without cutting contact. I know you say to mentally get over him quietly… but I think it’s easier said than done. Any tips or advice would be wonderful. Thank you.

Reply November 12, 2012, 9:43 am

Lexis

This is uber helpful
Thanks

Reply November 11, 2012, 4:53 pm

Faeyth

Hi Eric,
This is a great article, and I am planning to follow it to the letter, but I have a dilemma. The guy in my situation has been around for 4.5 years, during which he never fully committed, although he reaped all the benefits (vacations together, holiday/family gatherings, etc). A few months ago I flound out he had begun a relationship with someone from his past. A real- all out, he calls her his girlfriend-relationship! He tells memos that it’s over, and I am asking him if he wants to *just* be friends. I explained that I am not asking him to decide if he wants to be with me, but if he just wants to be friends to let md know already so I can move on. He says he doesn’t know and won’t give me a straight answer about what he wants from me. With that being said, how can I just be friends with him without space/time? I’ve tried and the end of every evening “as friends” turns into this long,dramatic,emotional rehash of what I want/need, and, as you said, it’s completely ur attractive. Do I just fall off the grid a while? He calls and texts as if nothing has changed, and gets bothered if I do not respond. It’s hard to ignore him and I don’t even know if it’s the right thing to do… I’d really appreciate your insight into this one, if possible. How can I get to step one?

Reply November 2, 2012, 8:50 am

Lena

Hi Eric, I met this amazing guy nearly one month ago. I had noticed him for a few weeks and he turned out to be my friends new flatmate. It was like destiny. We hit it iff completely and spent the last few weekends together. He was so keen in the beginning and he would want to meet up all the time. He even asked me to tell my ex( who i broke up with 3mths) previous to not come visit me which i did. Then guess what this guy backed off and just wants to be friends. Its soooo tough and ocassionally when we meet up we still have a kiss and cuddle but theres no changing his mind. He has a few personal issues going on sohe says this is the reason for his change of mind but i don’t know if thats BS or the truth. Anyway what should I do like totally ignore him or play hard to get??? Like this guy told me he really likes me and cant stop thinking about to ignoring me on the tram to work!! Help ;(

Reply October 31, 2012, 6:27 pm

Suzy

What a good article. These steps are exactly what I am trying to do right now. I met a guy thru a mutual friend. We are both English but I live in a different country and he was here on holiday. We hit it off immediately, went out a couple of times as friends and had a great time. When he left we stayed in contact on Facebook. After a month he sent me his phone number and asked me to text him mine. We then progressed to daily texts and phone calls. I returned to the uk for a short holiday and tho from a different part of the country he invited me to stay at his flat for my final weekend there. We had a great time, went out alone and with his friends. His best friend actually commented on how close we seemed and how we were perfect for each other. We slept together both nights I was there and it just seemed right. He is coming here for a holiday in January and we have arranged to spend a weekend away while he is here. He is so attentive, calls me darling and gorgeous all the time and is lovely to be around. I had decided to return to live in the uk before I met him and that is due to happen next July.
Now for the problem: when we first met he said he didn’t believe long distance relationships ever worked. He has been married and says he will never marry again. He also says he is not attempting any more relationships and will just continue seeing people without commitment. He says he loves me as a friend and I deserve a relationship with someone who loves me for who I am.
The things he says are almost the complete opposite of how he behaves when we are around each other. Since leaving the uk last month we have continued in daily telephone contact and the conversations are still flirty and funny.
I would love a relationship with him but seriously confused as to whether it’s the distance or me or him that is stopping anything happening. He will never see or hear the anxiety I feel about what, if anything, is happening. Soooooo…….I am calm and confident on the phone, I make him laugh and we still use the pet names we have for each other. I can’t wait to see him in january and will take it from there as to what I do next.
Do you think I am foolish in still believing that there could be a future for us or should I just accept that he has said we are friends and move on? Thanks for the article x

Reply October 29, 2012, 9:06 am

Rebecca

You have given surprisingly helpful and healthy advice. Especially the part where you state that we should “accept just being friends. It’s compassionate and respectful to them. And it also gives the other person the psychological ‘space’ to possibly grow feelings for you at some point down the line.” You’ve given me a different perspective on the situation. If I really respect and care about him, I need to actualize that care and respect. Thinking of it like that has honestly made me feel better and more positive about being in the friend zone. Thank you so much! I will keep you posted.

Reply October 26, 2012, 9:49 pm

Noelle

So, I’ve known this guy since I was 5 years old and he’s always been my best friend. I had a crush on him when we were little but I forgot about it when I got my first real boyfriend. We dated for four years but by the end of it I wasn’t happy at all, and he was kind of rude and had a bad attitude about everything. He was never what I wanted and I think I just stayed with him because he was my first everything.

My guy friend was there for me all through it of course. Not long after this break up I started seeing a guy I work with that was quite.a bit older than me. We dated for a month or so then he pretty much turned into an ass and I broke up with him. Again, my guy friend was there for me the entire time.

Anyway, a week ago my guy friend and I were hanging out and we had been messing around and wrestling. I had a suspicion that he might like me and I was definitely starting to develop feelings for me. I asked him if there was anyone he wanted to be with and he wouldn’t answer me. Finally, I pried it out of him and he said me. I told him I felt the same way but he doesn’t think we should be together because he’s to scared it will ruin our friendship.

Weve hung out a couple more times after that and we ended up cuddling and stuff. We’ve came really close to kissing but I don’t think he will. I don’t know what’s happening with us, and I feel like we might be entering the friends with benefits stage because we’re completely normal until we’re alone.

I really like him a lot and I think I always have I just didn’t think he would ever feel the same way. He’s by far one of the best people I’ve ever met, he has an amazing family that really like me, I am more comfortable around him then any of my other friends and I am one of the only people who knows who he really is because he’s pretty shy around most people, he’s been there for me through everything and he’s an amazing friend, he’s cute, he’s funny, and basically everything I’d ever want in a boyfriend. I just really don’t know what to do to make us really being together possible.

I think I will start backing off a bit and wait for him to ask to hang out and make the first moves with anything. But am I wasting my time to hope we will end up together, or is it possible? Someone please help!

Reply October 19, 2012, 4:18 pm

Isa

Hi Eric!
Well…I have a doubt. I really like my guy friend…and we’ve been like ‘friends with benefits’ for two years (yes, I made this mistake…or not…I don’t know). He’s really very attracted to me and so am I to him. The problem is that I like him but like he was a boyfriend and he says he only sees me as a friend and someone who he really likes to be with. Sexual attraction and he likes my personality.
I found your advice very usefull and I’ve decided to try them (well, I’m already fit, because I exercise everyday, I have my life and my plans…and I’ve moved on…sort of speach; the only thing missing is the way I look; he says that I’m pretty and it’s true, but I have some problems thinking that he has to like me for the looks…; ok, I read your words about this and I agree).
So, for what I’m telling you, could give any advice?
I’m really into him…and I feel we could work out as a couple.

Reply October 15, 2012, 8:06 pm

Jasmine

I read this article about 6 months ago after being in the same situation with my guy friend. At the time he was casually seeing another woman (nothing official just meeting up now and again) but after a month or two of following the steps such as putting more effort into my appearance and ‘filling myself up’ he FINALLY asked me out and we’ve been dating for the past 4 months!!!!! YAY!! I’m so happy, and I’m sure you all may say “oh ye, I bet he’d have liked you anyway” and “it’s just a coincidence”
But I’ve been trying to get something going between us for 2 years now (as embarrassing as it may sound) and FINALLY THERE IS YIPPEE!!!!!

Reply October 7, 2012, 6:15 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much for leaving this comment.
.
I am very happy to hear that. Congrats. Glad you were able to use this article to help you get out of the friend zone and into a relationship with your guy. I’m sure your story will inspire all the women who read this article too (I wouldn’t be surprised if they start asking you questions about it…) :)

Reply October 7, 2012, 9:23 pm

Wmpw

Great story, Jasmine! My question is how did you get yourself to get over him emotionally while still staying friends and in contact? That seems to be the hardest part for me.

Reply November 18, 2012, 12:19 pm

moonstar

hiya i have the same prob … met a guy hes lovely wanted to go out with me ? i said no we email and text phone every day for the past 4 and a half months never missed a day .. even when hes gone aboard … he then told me he only wants to be good friends friends for life … he do anything for me taken me to the seaside my dream home … even sat and watched the stars …. but now he says i love u to bits … thinks the world of him … there was some attention of one of hes friends …. now we are going out for a meal … he didnt like hes friends attention towards me … ive been askin him out for a meal he said work …. now he says its diff …. i dont know what to do … i love him to bits dont wanna lose our friendship ….

Reply October 7, 2012, 1:33 pm

WQWEDSX

The poor guy probably can’t understand you.

Reply February 25, 2013, 8:12 am

Tonya

I met a guy online through a dating site. The first few times that we hung out we both knew there was an attraction. After a couple months I asked him what we were, He said friends, so we just stayed the way we were. I had a lot of fantasy in the friendship that it would go farther. I brought my kids to Valleyfair and the kids wanted him to go with so I asked him. He ended up staying the night and going to Valleyfair for the day. After Valleyfair he called me the next day and told me that he wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I said okay. We dated for two weeks. He broke up with me because he said he was not healed from the mess his ex put him through. The next day he was on Match.com. I am really confused because after he broke up with me he told me that he likes me as a friend and maybe it could eventually be more someday when he is ready. I do not want to miss the opportunity to meet anyone else but I also do not want him to disappear if I do meet someone. I am really confused about what to think. Any advice would be great.

Reply October 6, 2012, 1:57 pm

Missy

Eric, I have this close guy friend. We go to the same community college together, and we also work out together. We hang out all the time, and I can tell him anything. I feel like I’m friend zoned because he said “You’re like the sister I wish I had”, yet he will do things that makes me thinks he likes me. He’ll ask me what I think of something on a guy, and then says “hmm, I should do that”, because I like it.. He always wants to know what type of guy I like, if I like this in a guy or not. Sometimes I feel like he said that, because he thinks that’s how I feel about him. But I am way to scared to say anything, because I feel like I am already friend zoned. He says how much he cares about me, and how much I mean to him. His parents LOVE me, and he knows it. We flirt, and joke around all the time. It is just really frustrating and confusing. I don’t want to worry too much, because I am only turning 18.. If I can just get an honest opinion from anyone, I would be extremely grateful.

Reply October 3, 2012, 5:25 pm

Summer

It sounds like to me he just likes you as a friend, but I could be wrong. The only way to really know is just to ask him. I know that’s a tough thing to do, but since you’ve known him for long enough, it might be the best option. I might do that before wondering about whether he likes you or not any further. Wondering will only worry you more.

You never know what may happen unless you take a chance. He may go out with you, or he may not, but don’t expect anything. Don’t get your hopes up, but don’t already assume he’ll say no. Like I said, you never know. And sometimes, all you really need to do to get a guy to chase you is just to let him know up front that you like him. That may be the only thing holding you two back. Depending on whether he’s outgoing or shy, he may or may not pursue if he’s unsure of your feelings for him.

Now, don’t take my word for the asking him advice. That may not be the best choice. Perhaps that is not the best alternative, but at least if you do ask him, you’ll know whether to get over him, or it will allow you both to move out of the friendzone.

But either way, just be confident. No guy can resist a girl who loves herself enough to know that she is worth it, no matter what he does, no matter what happens. And if he can’t see you for the amazing, beautiful person that you are, then it’s his loss.

And also, accept your feelings, whatever they are. Just accept them. Do not punish yourself for it. We all do it. We all worry. It’s natural to do so. If you do decide to tell him, focus on you and how you feel, and not so much on him and how he’s reacting to you.

So, I would take all my advice, except for maybe the asking him if he likes you part. I’m not exactly sure if that’s what you should do. Eric is the expert here, not me. He could tell you better than I could, but anyway, hope I helped! ^^

Reply October 4, 2012, 1:15 am

Paige

sooooo I’m in love with one of my closest guy friends
his name is Cody, Ive felt this way ever since I met him but when I did i was in a serious relationship and I didn’t want to mess anything up so I waited to tell him a few months after I broke up with my ex. we were cuddling all night at my friends house and he was touching me intimately and i am positive he had a boner. so i got enough confidence and I wrote him a 4 page letter expressing my feelings and I got no response from him for a few days. then I got one in person. “You are like my little sister and you just got out of a relationship.”
so im like merr okay while I was all confused so I did the whole avoiding him thing and he recently started texting me asking me to hang everyday. So last night I gave in and he came over with all our friends an we were all playing grand theft auto and he was cuddling with me again so I was like oh okay but then he was touching me sweetly but then it escalated and got sexual and extremely intimate. I was so happy but confused. and then I looked at my phone today while I was at work and i got a text from him asking to pretend like nothing ever happened….what gives. keep in mind this is the first time I have ever been rejected, I am 17 and he is 19 but I don’t think that makes a difference. plus he sends me flirty Facebook messages about stuff that if he said to his actual little sister, he would be a pedophile…

This was something I posted on yahoo answers a few weeks ago.
He gave me his childhood teddy bear about 2 weeks ago i thought it was cute but im not sure what he meant by it.
Since then, he ignored me for a while after that happened. I heard from one of my friends that he really genuinely likes me but doesn’t want to make a move because his best friend likes me. I also heard that he finds it annoying that I have a crush on him. I am so confused at his mixed signals. He is always asking my friend cory if i want to hangout with them but never me directly anymore, cory said that hes avoiding me so i can get space from him and maybe get over him. The other night he came over again with cory to play video games. We were on my couch and he took all my pillows so naturally I was like what am I to do, so he said use me as a pillow. we started cuddling again and his hands started out cautious and then went down like they did before. I did the same to him but he stopped me then continued what he was doing. Then he left and I havent spoken with him since but cory told me he wants to hangout today…

any idea whats going on?

Reply September 23, 2012, 3:51 pm

JustMyOpinion

He does not want a relationship but he likes you genuinely but he wants to do any kind of relationship type things without ever acknowledging it properly. He knows when to reel you in and when to spit you back out again. He does actually like you but never quite enough. That should not be good enough for you. There is some lack of respect there and consideration to your feelings. You have a choice however. You can keep riding this wave of this back and forth-ness in hopes that maybe this goes somewhere eventually or you can totally stop it, cut him off. Hopefully this will maybe make him man up and figure what he wants. :)

Reply September 30, 2012, 1:33 am

lynzhy

Hi Eric, I’m grateful finding your articles, it gives me nice ideas on how to stay confident & optimistic despite some failures in love. I’m going to ask your great advice also in my situation and hoping that you could help me out on this. I had a bf for only 5 months and that short of time we were happy and we have a lot of things in common. It seems that we were contented to each other and even his family already wanted us to be couple or lifetime partners. But suddenly, after he got a new job (no job for 4months that’s why he can poured me the attention I wanted in a relationship), I felt I am no longer his priority and almost no time to talk & see me. He seems cold & distant so resentment came on me, to the point I’m gonna tell him he don’t love me anymore because he can’t make things that he used to. Weeks later, we talked and he asked me to give him space (cool-off) for he need to think & focus on his new job and he also wanted time for himself. I did let him go for the time & space he wanted but once a week I still go to their house because his mom want me to go there always and as much as possible they want us to fix things ASAP. There’s a strange feeling between us when we see each other. Until after 2 weeks I called him up and asked if already fine and if we can already fix our relationship but he still can’t decide and seems that still not interested so I got upset thinking that he don’t want me or love me anymore and that maybe there’s a new girl getting his attention in his workplace. He and his mom cleared to me that there’s no new girl and he just focusing on his new job. One night due to mixed emotions, I texted him that I could not stand the situation anymore and its better to call it off totally. I have not received any reply or confirmation but he continued ignoring me at all. Then after a month, again I asked him what happened to us that’s the time he responded in my message telling me that I’m the one who ended the relationship and say sorry for he don’t have any special feelings anymore. I accepted the fact and go on with my life doing some stuff that makes me feel good. His mom still hoping that me and her son will be reconciled in time. She’s always inviting me to visit her if I have time and as much as I want to, I’m holding myself not to go in their place if my ex is around for about 2 months. Then as days passing by, me & my ex already civil to each other, we talked & greet casually. It’s been 4 months when we part and we consider each other as friends even though in my inner part I still love him and want him to start a relationship over again. What should I do? Is it worthy for our love a second chance? Do I keep on communicating with his mother? Would he think I am desperate to get him if once in a while I visit his mom and have a good conversation with her?

Reply September 19, 2012, 11:26 am

Confused Annie

Hi Eric,

Love the blog, you have so much great advice!

I’m having a ‘friend zone’ situation where I found a guy I was into immediately, but due to professional circumstances I tried to keep a cool head. However, the problem would lay where I would notice his non-verbal signals and slightly flitatious remarks (we would charmingly flirt innocently back and forth). He would also comment whenever I would wear something nice or change my hair, and I would notice whenever he did the same. However, neither of us have made any advances outside of spontaneously catch a movie during a walk, or something like that.

I feel that I have developed quite a bit of true feelings for him over time, and I think he feels that same. But now that we are no longer professionally involved (since a few weeks ago), he hasn’t stepped up to even mention that he is interested in seeing me again, regardless of us sharing quite a few flirtatious moments.

So by now I have accepted him as just a friend, and I’ve jazzed up my look a little bit (which has given me great self confidence), and have started dating a few guys. But it seems that becasue we are no longer professionally involved, its like ‘out of sight, out of mind’ with him. But its confusing because he invited me to join him for a bite on our last professional meetup, but hasn’t called me since then. Does this make any sense? I’m so confused! :(

Reply September 18, 2012, 10:33 pm

Kristiaxxx

This all seems pretty helpful, I haven’t tried it yet but it all seems good so far..
I have one question though, during this 1 to 3 month, or however long, period of self-improvment, should I be talking to my male friend and hanging around like normal? Should I put a little distance between us? Or should I be backing off until the unveiling of the new me?

Reply September 16, 2012, 6:07 pm

Eric Charles

It depends on the situation… I’ll quickly explain.
.
Generally speaking, your habits and way of being is what landed you in the friend zone in the first place. So spending more time with him before you make changes to your approach is only going to further reinforce your friend zone status…
.
At the same time, you don’t want to slam the door in someone’s face. He’s not friend-zoning you because he dislikes you. He likes you as a person… a guy would be sad to lose someone he likes and considers a friend.
.
My feeling is that for your own psychological benefit, it helps for you to distance yourself as much as you can without seeming cold or mean. Just cut your contact with him to a minimum without making him upset… if he thinks you dislike him or are mad at him, you are going to far…
.
The distance does two things for you… first, it clears your head up so you’re not obsessing over him and can focus on your own inspiration, growth and fulfillment in your life. Second, it creates a much more dramatic effect when you come back into his life “unveiled”.
.
The distance and timing by itself isn’t magic – it does not magically make him attracted to you. Your growth and increased attractiveness (which you develop during that time away) is what makes the “magic” happen. So make sure that you put your effort into your self-improvement.

Reply September 18, 2012, 8:50 pm

Laura

Advice please. I dated a guy for a couple months I really liked. He treated me like a girlfriend but it was never official. I got insecure and gave him an ultimatum and as you can guess he took off. So 2 months later I emailed him and we have been email buddies. Talking about out kids, work, family. The thing is at first I think I was hoping to rekindle but after a while and no request to talk or hang out I accepted that its not going to happen. But I sent an email with a rude riske joke and I’m sure that’s the end of it (doh). I accept that it’a not going to turn into dating again, but do I owe an appology just to leave on better terms or would that be perceived as chasing and be worse?

Reply September 13, 2012, 3:54 pm

Cori

Hi Laura, I would say don’t email him again for an apology. If he hasn’t yet asked to meet, then I would not continue to stay on the backburner for this guy. The moment he took off after you gave him an ultimatum, you should not have emailed him back again to get back together.

Let him be for awhile and see what happens. If he doesn’t start pursuing you, then there’s your answer. Trust me, I’m in the same position, except for I have been seeing a guy for 5 months and my ultimatum was for us to move from being just friends and start having sex, otherwise no more going out at night and sleeping together in the same bed. At 1st he agreed, but then came back 2 days later and we hung out later that week…but he still refused to give a firm decision, still slept in my bed with no sex and still didn’t follow up a couple days later. So I decided to drop him off his belongings and haven’t spoken to him all week.

Reply September 14, 2012, 7:29 pm

Laura

Thx. He actually responded with humor and a long segment on how men love differently than women do, and show it in different ways. (Eric Charles was spot on!). I guess we’ll continue to share views on life, love and sex at a safe distance.
Cori, is it possible your friend has a medical issue he is afraid to address? He sounds manipulative though – a man should be responsible for his own body and protective (sorry but yes, protective) toward his woman or even his female friend. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing in drawing a line.

Reply September 18, 2012, 10:03 pm

Cori

Hi Laura,

its good you guys were able to atleast communicate. But if it were me, I’d be over it. Any man who can’t meet in real life is just playing games. If I want to share views on life, love and sex I can come to this website LOL.

I have no idea what’s up this guy. It’s funny you mention though because it isn’t the first time I heard this medical issue possibility from someone LOL. In fact, I talked about it on another forum and said I’ve never seen the guy with an erection before. He’s ‘revealed’ himself to me on more than 1 occasion and although it looks like it could ‘put a hurtin ona’ lol, I’ve never seen it hard.

I’m still not sure what to do about this. I’ve made some personal changes (namely my job as a nude massage therapist, he has an issue with and claims that to be what’s holding him back from sex). I’ve told him I’ve been going on interviews for regular massage parlours to see if things change within the next 30 days. In the meantime, I’m going to be meeting other men to take care of my needs.

Reply September 21, 2012, 12:41 am

Ana

Thank you!!!!

Reply September 6, 2012, 9:05 pm

Cori

Hi Eric Charles, or anyone else who’d like to chime in:

I am in a very confusing friend-zone with a man I’ve known and been seeing for going on 5 months. From day one, we started off flirting and teasing and almost ‘slept’ together on the 1st night (went home from the bar together), although we slept in the same bed.

Throughout these past 5 months, we’ve hung out every weekend except maybe 2, seeing each other as often as he has time. Throughout the friendship he’s mentioned us only being friends…but does everything to the contrary EXCEPT sex. We’ve kissed, but only when he wants to. We’ve recently started holding hands the past 2-3 months when we go out. I do every rule in your blog, and he gets jealous when seeing me even so much as talk to another man. He often kisses other women when I’m not in the vicinity or if I turn my back. But when I do it, he gets all jealous. Top it all off, we sleep in my bed every time we hang out, but he never wants to do sex or even manual sex even though I’ve offered on numerous occasions. I now don’t even bother, but he’s come on to me a few times lately…teases right up to the point, and then pulls back.

I recently told him I’m not okay with this dynamic any longer and that we cannot continue sharing a bed unless we are having sex. I told him that whatever it is that’s preventing from going to the next level, we need to just hold off…or only hangout in the daytime because I’m tired of being his ‘driver’ when we go to parties because he doesn’t want to get another DUI.

He says he loves me, cares about me, sees dating down the road…but I can’t continue hearing and seeing him mention other women and the lack of sex. I also can’t handle the mixed signals (we’re just friends, BUT he’s jealous when a guy talks to me). I have been doing no contact for the past 4 days, he’s texted me about his job and mentioned he’s not sure if we’re talking, taking a break or ending the friendship. I told him I was busy and for us to catch up later (as if the conversation we had the other day never existed).

Whats wrong with the scenario? I’ve already started talking to other men online…but he seems to still be hanging on. I’ve reasoned with him 150 million times and let him know what I want, I feel it’s unreasonable to continue to babysit my time and prevent me from meeting other people when he’s always around me but not willing to give me what it is I need from him.

Reply September 6, 2012, 4:12 pm

Anais

Hi Cori, may I chime in? :-)

Yeah he said from the beginning he just wanted to be friends. Believe guys when they say things like that despite the kissing, holding hands etc..sometimes guys just take what they can get without a real relationship as long as you allow it. Or another way to look at it, will give you more than they really need to in a friendship. I mean I have male friends who have flirted with me, go out of their way for me and always want to pay for my meals when we hang out, but I don’t read into it since they said they just wanted to be friends and I feel the same way about them (i.e. I just see them as friends) so it works to my advantage in that scenario.

Back to you, he may not have wanted sex because he may have been sleeping with someone else as in his head you guys were friends so it wasn’t an obligation to have sex. Who knows for sure…. But I’m also confused as to why you were pressuring him for sex, when it sounds like you really wanted a relationship? Or am I wrong about thinking you wanted a relationship with him? Having sex with him probably would have pushed him away more so it may be a good thing for you that it never went that far. Also he was entitled to be jealous but, as he was going about his business with other women, you were entitled to talk to other guys, a you did. He was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Either way I think you did the right thing distancing yourself and dating other men. Sounds like he doesn’t want to let you go so perhaps he will step up his efforts as you’ve become less available, time will tell.

Also I noticed you said ” seeing each other as often as he has time”. It sounds like you were working around his schedule…and if so consider having a guy work around your own schedule. Another section on the site talks about this “How to make men chase you without playing games”

Hope this helps!

Reply September 18, 2012, 11:48 am

Anais

Also.. you said ” I’ve reasoned with him 150 million times and let him know what I want, I feel it’s unreasonable to continue to babysit my time and prevent me from meeting other people when he’s always around me but not willing to give me what it is I need from him. ” It’s great you realize you shouldn’t be babysitting him. And I am not sure what words you have been using to express what you want but in the future, the key is to express that you want it for yourself but not necessarily from him. Like if you want a boyfriend say something like “I’ve really enjoyed your company but as good as it feels to be with you I want a boyfriend and it’s become clear that I am not getting my needs met here. All the best”…Also.. ” I’ve reasoned with him 150 million times and let him know what I want, I feel it’s unreasonable to continue to babysit my time and prevent me from meeting other people when he’s always around me but not willing to give me what it is I need from him. ” I am not sure what words you have been using to express what you want but the key is to express that you want it for yourself but not necessarily from him. Like if you want a boyfriend say something like “I’ve really enjoyed your company but as good as it feels to be with you I want a boyfriend and it’s become clear that I am not getting my needs met here. All the best”.. Guys hate to feel pressured like you need something from them specifically.

Reply September 18, 2012, 11:54 am

Cori

Hi Ana,

thanks for your input. What you’re saying makes sense…however I failed to mention ALSO the times he has said he wanted us to be a couple going out, that he wanted to date me, and once even telling a guy, “get away from my girlfriend!” (more than once, often when drunk but at times even when he wasn’t THAT drunk).

The other week, he agreed to have a ‘talk’ about having sex but he tried to make excuses to get out of it such as being hungover or what not. Then we had an argument, and the next weekend it came to past he told me how he had ‘talks’ with 2 close friends and they agreed he lead me on, and apparently he had no idea that my giving him massages made me think about having sex with him. HELLO!? WHO GIVES PRIVATE NUDE MASSAGES FROM HOME WITH A FRIEND AND DOESN’T THINK ABOUT SEX?

I’m still chatting with him and we’ve hung out twice since, but I’ve also been aggressively putting myself out there to meet other men. This week alone I’ve already met 3 guys, I’m really trying to expand my options now. I feel a bit cheated in a way that I allowed him to hog up my time and prevent myself from meeting someone compatible. There I was begging for sex, when there’s attractive men who literally adore me. It makes no sense. I mean, we can still be friends…but the dynamics are going to change for sure.

Reply September 21, 2012, 12:31 am

Crystal

:) I like your article. And I’m fascinated by the fact that it came from a male’s perspective(i don’t mean to make gender issues about these things) what i mean to say is that, i have always wanted to act with basis. And I thank you for sharing this idea. This is really a great help. (I really couldn’t say what I mean to say though but I’m happy to be able to read this.) :D

Reply August 27, 2012, 11:28 am

Summer

So…I’m in a situation where I like my friend, and I think he likes me. Many of the things that he’s done and said has screamed, “I like you!” I won’t go into that because I’m trying not to worry too much. So, I’ll just cut to the chase.

The thing is I really hope he doesn’t admitt his feelings anytime soon because I like where me and him are right now, but at the same time, being his friend is frustrating since I want him all to myself.

And since I agree with you on opening up on dating options, I need to ask you: how do I do that if I’m shy (when it comes to making the first move)? Well, what I’m really asking is how do I get into that “I have nothing to lose.” mindset?

Reply August 26, 2012, 5:02 pm

Eric Charles

It’s not really a matter of getting into a mindset… It’s a matter of realization.
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You have nothing to lose because you don’t possess him in the first place. The idea that one person even CAN possess another person is misguided…
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You have nothing to lose because the other person isn’t anything you could ever “have” in the first place.
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Not that I mean to get all philosophical on you, but at the end of the day all you have is your thoughts and how you engage with the situation.
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If you bring what he wants to the table, he’ll want to be with you. He’ll want you all to himself. He’ll gladly date you.
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If you don’t bring what he wants to the table… he won’t.
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So really, the only thing you can control here is what you bring to the table. And even then, that’s only 50% of the equation – you could do your absolute best and he still might not come around.
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All you really have is the ability to control your behavior and to give it your best shot. Your best strategy is to entice him through being the best you can be and being as delicious an option as possible (without compromising yourself, that is).
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Like I said in the article, though, if you fixate on this one person and get hung up on fantasizing about him as your one-and-only, that’s only going to create performance anxiety.
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Have OPTIONS… don’t fixate on that one guy until you’re actually a couple. It’s to your advantage to have as many options as possible until one man steps up to the plate to claim you all to himself. Groveling for one man’s affection is a bad strategy, no matter how romantic it might seem in certain lights.
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Hope that’s helpful.

Reply August 26, 2012, 5:37 pm

Anon

This article is BS; no guy would ever friend zone a chick.

Reply August 23, 2012, 2:28 am

Eric Charles

You are wrong.

Reply August 23, 2012, 7:43 pm

Storm

very wrong.. /:

Reply September 8, 2012, 4:38 pm

Cassie

Can you be friend-zoned by a friend with benefits?

Reply August 10, 2012, 1:44 pm

Adaa

Great article! I am in this zone where I really like a guy and he just thinks of me as a friend. Even before reading this article I had started on step one and two. I accepted that he is just a friend for now and started working on myself. Have lost a few kgs already and people have started commenting on it :) I feel great and am keeping myself busy with a lot of things. Its been two months now and I have had difficulty doing the third bit, but since a week or so have started on that as well. What a co-incidence that you suggested the same steps that I already started applying. At least I know that am on the right path so thank you so much!

Reply August 9, 2012, 12:02 am

jjjjjjj

ok I started dating a man about 6 months ago, he was going through a divorce after 27 years and I was the girl he could talk to. I listened to him day and night, hung out with him helped him move into a new apartment and even helped him decorate. Anyhow we started seeing each other while he was still at home we were hot and heavy even though we didnt sleep together for two months and when we did it was a 6 a best, seems he has some problems due to a breakage 10 years ago.
We get along amazingly, its scary we are very much alike. We have traveled together, gone on weekend trips, introduced our kids to each other and generally were hanging out alot. Well about three months ago and a few other time he has made it clear to me that he didn’t want to get into a commited relationship but at the time he wasnt seeing anybody. Although I didn’t like what he was saying I could understand, that he had been married for 27 years (oh yeah Im sure he fooled around for 20 of them) and although the papers are filed and they will obtain a divorce he just was not ready to commit to one person. On a trip to Vegas two months ago he said the same thing, but said we should both date other people. He said I meant the world to him and he thinks I’m just the best but he felt the need to see what else is out there.
I told him I didn’t like it but I respect his feelings, what will be will be. Anyhow we were supposed to go to Turkey and his business pulled him to China and he had been planning an Amazon trip with the boys so he sent me to Turkey (very generous) he went to China and then on to the Amazon (Boys trip lol) So he gets home and mind you we havn’t been intimate in 5-6 weeks because of travel but he has a male friend pick him up from the airport. Now I know in my heart of hearts he is doing someone else anyhow but I didn’t expect to handle it so poorly.
Last night he told me he met someone out of the state, they went to the Amazon together and he cared for her as much as he cared for me. Shoot I thought I could handle it, but I got emotional and very insecure. I’m in great shape, I surf, run, pilates watch what I eat and look much younger than what I am. I end up sleeping over (we were drinking couldn’t drive) but can’t get into him, I didn’t want to touch him I felt sick to my stomach.
Im crazy about him but immediately go hone in the morning and do my thing well after finding your article. His birthday is Tuesday and we are going to Catalina with some of his friends and then his son and I are taking him out to dinner. I knew this was inevitable but I feel like he should of told me, maybe he told me as soon as he could of i don’t know. The only thing we have ever promised each other that no matter what we will come out as friends. He asked me if I was ok this morning and I told him I don’t like the situation but it is what it is and told him he didn’t promise me anything. I know I can’t sleep with him, I hope I don’t get back into bed with him not right now. I’m just wonering if I was the filler to help him get through his divorce, you know the friend that helps but gets left behind. The filler. This neighbor of his has been asking me to talk to him for two months and he is extremely attractive, they don’t know each other and I was wondering if that is to close to home? I owe the guy a beer lol and I’d like to buy him a six pack and put your plan in action what do you think? Fish somewhere else or go for the neighbor, I am sure I can be discreet at least initially just to see how the guy is.
One more thing I do feel kinda stupid, even though I won’t let him or anyone else know I am crushed right now its all I can do to swallow. I feel rejected, I feel used I was his friend the only one he could talk to any time day or night, he introduced me to his children we did a kids vacations (our kids are in the mid 20″s) I feel horrible inside shoot what did I do wrong? Don’t you think he could of sat me down when we were not drinking or maybe told me before he went.

Reply July 22, 2012, 9:43 pm

Heather

Would you say that this is also a guide to getting out of the “friends with benefits” zone? I think I’m in love with my fwb and he seems hesitant to commit to anything. My question is how to scale back ( stop the constant contact and sleeping together) without having a conversation about it?

Reply July 8, 2012, 12:18 am

Eric Charles

No – friends with benefits is a completely different scenario. I’ve written about it before in a bunch of Ask a Guys, so you can search for those (anything having to do with “friends with benefits” or “booty call”, etc.)
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Friendzone happens because the girl isn’t triggering attraction in the guy. Booty call relationships happen because she is triggering attraction in the guy, but not love or urgency to commit.

Reply July 8, 2012, 8:25 pm

Heather

Wow, I didn’t think you’d actually reply! Makes me feel like you really want to help. Thank so much and I’ll do some more research on your website!

Reply July 9, 2012, 12:47 am

Eric Charles

Sure… believe me, I would answer everyone’s questions if I had time… I just don’t. When I’m not being “Eric Charles”, I have to run two companies, do tons of work and take care of my employees. Writing these articles and answering stuff is what I do for free…

Reply July 9, 2012, 7:33 pm

TLC

Thanks, Eric. Great article! I’ve been following your advice for awhile and it’s really helping in all areas of my life.

I’ve fallen pretty hard for a guy who I’m pretty sure just wants to be my friend. And while I’m not at the point where I’m totally okay with it, I’m getting there.

Right now, I’ve been focusing on building my self-confidence and being the best version of myself. I’ve been practicing my butt off with violin–it’s something I love and it gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I’ve also taken up yoga, and it’s toning my body and getting me into great shape.

I feel like I’m on my way to looking and being my best. Other guys are beginning to notice too! I don’t know if this guy friend will ever come around, but at this point, it doesn’t really matter. I’m starting to believe that things will work themselves out, if not with this guy, then something equally fabulous. Thanks again!

Reply July 1, 2012, 10:19 am

lobster

ths is such an awesome post! i cn relate wit ths! im tryng hard 2 get out of friendzone..been inlove wit ds guy 4 2yrz..i am hs only bestfriend..we ar datng..bt 4 hm we ar normal..i dnt want to assume coz i knw wer i stand..i love u so much best..if u only knew..

Reply June 28, 2012, 12:32 pm

Shelby

Eric,

You are fantastic! I started reading your articles in March after a recent, complicated and messy break-up (are there any other kind? lol). At first it was out of desperation for some help to find myself again and gain any hope of ever working it out again in the future. But your series of articles and emails have really turned around my perspective on relationships. I almost feel liberated, like I’m free for the first time and I’m HAPPY again.

I’ll try keep this short because I know you’re a busy man. I’ve followed your advice to a T and my ex and I are re-dating again (he approached me :) ). We’re not in a serious, committed, relationship, but we’re starting over and it’s great for us both. He’s treating my like a true gentleman should and I feel like our line of communication has been clearer than ever! We’re both getting on our feet, becoming mature, responsible adults, and being more social. We know what we were doing wrong before (expecting the other provide ALL the energy and happiness etc) and now I feel if we do take the official plunge back, we’ll be stronger than before. I’m still keeping my options open, my schedule full, and focusing on my career rather than obsessing, though. However, my question for you is: Do you have any articles that gives guidelines or advice about what happens AFTER you snag him back? I’ve skimmed over before, but I just wanted to make sure. I just feel now that we’re dating again, I sometimes question some of my moves or actions. Thanks again, Eric! You’re wonderful! :D

Reply June 5, 2012, 9:24 pm

stari

Dear Eric, thanks for your advices.

I have a guy friend for a very long time, more than 23 years. we were high school classmates with the rest. we are both single. Initially, I have never fell for him because I had an 11 yrs relationship with my ex-fiance that ended up broken with him falling for younger girls as young as 19 yrs old, that time i was then 29.

Then, few years back, after a class reunion, this guy friend often asked me out. I initially took him as a friend. But his concerns for me is overwhelming and over-caring but it only last for a short period. He kept asking me out, concern for me and stuffs, even at times i rejected him but he still asked me out. Later, he found someone new, and slowly lessen his contacts but still asked me out once in a blue moon. I feel i was being led on and later being casted away when he found someone prettier.. however, everything is too late, I had fallen for him alot more than i could imagine. he is not handsome or anything, we have very different career issues, i wanted a higher education, he is comfortable with his qualifications. he lied to me a couple of times and i cried. i have never blame him, but maybe i was not good enough for him, that’s why he told my friend that he is not interested in me.. it’s very weird. his actions care for me, but sometimes, he turn very cold. i don’t understand what he is thinking. he said he is not good at expressing. At times, he is very nice, at many times, he turns very cold and quiet and sometiems, he is very rude at me. i am often feeling hurt because of his broken promises and when i was very ill, he didn’t come to visit me at all, even after i was discharged. alot of people asked me to distance myself from him, but i couldn’t do it, i really cherish him but yet i dun know what the hell i was doing, really.. why is love so complicated? and i feel ashamed of myself when he texted me saying he wants to stop contacting me and asked me not to bother about him or the rest of my mutual friends. I don’t know why i cannot be strong this time and feel so emotionally upset. Then, my friend on him and realised that he was also dating other girls, young girls. I became very afraid. Why was history repeating itself again or did i actually attract these type of guys who were not really into me. I tried to distance myself away from him but i find it too hard, because for the past 2 years, i really love him alot. Now, he said we are over and requested to keep a distance from me. I was very upset as i cried many times. With my poor health, i don’t know how long i will live. but personally, i feel love is unconditional. I feel as long as he is happy n blissful, i should feel happy for him for my feelings for him is really too deep, but unfortunately, he doesn’t have the same kind of feelings for me, as the other girls are alot prettier in terms of their face and they really know how to doll themselves up. You are very right in saying that guys care more about physical great looks than character, maybe many but not all. I’m very sad that eventhough i was very thin, i never possess the great cute model looks he wants. Now, it’s all very confusing, suddenly he withdrawn. and i was left alone to fight the emo battle alone, though he said we will still be friends but he tried not to be there for me anymore. Can you give me some advices, should i continue to wait for him or move on? I’m totally exhausted both physically and emotionally drained after all had happened. Can you help me? Is he playing with my feelings or is he confused or is it b’cos i’m never good enough in his eyes? I do not want my self-esteem to be hurted by him, really. With lots of thanks and gratitutes.

Reply June 4, 2012, 4:41 pm

heather

Eric thank you for this article first of all. I am in a verson of this situation. This guy started out very interested in me and I turned him down. He then would fight to get my attention. I soon became his friend he would confide in when he was having problems in his relationships. He has said at different times how he wishes I lived closer and how he wants to one day be the man of my dreams. As I have gotten to know him I love him more and more each day. He says he worries that he isn’t good enough. ( He is very damaged ) he has been hurt so much I think he fears the thought of losing me too. But I have noticed that when I show him a lot of attention he backs off. I wonder if its because he fears that if it goes to that point that it will end badly and that will be it. I really don’t know what to do but your articles have been helping. Thank you :)

Reply June 2, 2012, 11:36 pm

marymary

I’ve been friendzoned. It’s never happened to me before. After much angst I decided just to enjoy it, why complain that a nice man likes my company?
Enjoyed your article. It’s never wrong to be happy (genuinely happy, not pretend happy).

Reply June 1, 2012, 10:35 pm

Cori

some men (like in my case) like to treat friendzone as a way of getting what they want without necessarily commiting to the cause.

I want to get out of friendzone because this man I’m seeing wants all the perks of a relationship without necessarily giving me what I want in return. If someone is going to be my friend, they are going to be my friend…PERIOD. Kissing, holding hands, sleeping in the same bed, but then have the freedom to not meet any of my expectations isn’t going to work.

Reply September 6, 2012, 4:20 pm

Mickey

This is the most refreshing article I have read on this subject… and the only one I have found that actually eases my mind. I am going through a situation that completely fits under the ‘damaged goods’ category. I am definitely going to be trying this out. Thank you!

Reply May 10, 2012, 10:18 pm

jane

This totally happened to me.

I asked this guy out, he said no. He was really into this other girl. I said okay. I was more worried about losing his friendship. We’re very good friends and I kind of just left the situation alone and left him alone and moved on. We see each other all the time, so I really tried to not pay attention to him. Now, he’s crawling all over me. Except, now, I don’t want to date him. He’s still into the other girl.

But yes, leaving him alone and just taking care of me and worrying about what I had to do and not him, I think made him realize something he didn’t see before.

Reply May 5, 2012, 11:12 pm

Jenn

Hey Eric, I have a question? Its going on a year and i have been dating a VIRGO male who is shy and he is mostly emotionally unavailable bc of a divorce when the wife cheated, remarried and had a baby with the new man. Its like he will get hold cold and weird. We got in a verbal fight few months ago and now are friends, so he says. He still flirts and I have to do most if not all the first calls and texting. He will text back and flirt and return my calls. He says being friends is easier, yet we will stay on the phone for 3 hrs and he is very busy at the gas station, grocery store and will get beeps and tell the other people he will call them later.Is he really wanting to be with me or only friends. I think he likes me yet is afraid to get close bc of his divorce. What do u think?

Reply April 11, 2012, 9:30 pm

Molly

I have been (embarrassingly) reading articles online about this subject for months, looking for reassurance or advice or answers of any sort. This is by FAR the best article I’ve read. One of the only good ones actually. Realistic and thorough, not pandering or silly. And the advice here is great. Most sites claim guys never truly put girls in the friend zone…too narrowly interested in sex…but I think I’m dealing with a case of damaged goods like you mentioned. That’s how we got close actually, I was the only person he could talk to about the girl breaking his heart. That was a year ago almost, and I liked him even then. Then I really fell for him once he started getting over her and wasn’t miserable all the time. Now it’s been some months and we talk all the time, spend lots of time together, even flirt. We’re best friends. I know he was badly hurt, and I know he didn’t like me like that at first, but I really do suspect he feels something for me now. He made me a Valentine’s CD. We cuddle (he initiates it) and hold hands (also initiated by him.) In the finger-strokey, I’m-telling-you-a-secret-message way. But we’ve never discussed our feelings for each other, other than how much we appreciate the friendship. It’s the only thing we don’t talk about. People tease us about being a couple, my friends say I’m crazy to doubt his feelings for me. But he hasn’t made an actual move. I’m afraid to because 1)no guy I’ve liked has ever liked me as more than a friend. 2) I know he isn’t keen on relationships after what happened to him. 3) Technically he isn’t allowed to have a girlfriend so I see it as his decision to step over that boundary. I respect that and wouldn’t want to pressure him. 4) We’re graduating soon and going to different colleges, might not be worth risking it now. Or maybe it’s the perfect time to risk it, I can’t decide.
Basically all I want is some clarity. I’m going crazy. I’ve never felt this strongly for someone, and never been this close to a guy. I’m sick of dissecting his behavior, searching for signs of something more. And if he doesn’t see me as more than a friend, then I’m sick of being led on. Friends don’t hold hands like that. I’m not going to hand out the girlfriend privileges to someone who’s toying with my emotions. I just want to know. But it’s so hard to bring up. I can’t tell if I should, or the best way to word it. It really is a complicated situation. I don’t want to lose him, but it’s hard to even enjoy him as a friend with all this on my mind. Any advice?
In the mean time I will begin implementing these tactics asap :) Thank you!

Reply April 5, 2012, 3:42 am

Eric Charles

Thanks so much, I really appreciate the compliments and glad you found it helpful. Glad to have you as a reader.

Reply April 5, 2012, 11:10 am

Melodia

Hi,

So my friend who I vibed with so well decided to try dating me when I told him I liked him. He was lonely, got out of a long-term relationship and was depressed, and I was perfect in many ways except he wasn’t attracted to me. Since I didn’t think attraction was a big deal, and would develop in time (he thought maybe so too), we just started.

The thing I don’t get is before I told him I liked him, he would follow me around in a very light way. Not sexual, but he had a kind of man-crush on me, I guess. We would spend the whole day together, write long emails and have long phone conversations.

When we started trying, we went for walks and spent time at his house. Eventually, things got somewhat heated. And on most days, we would spend hours just lying together, watching movies, and he often pushed up against me. So I thought he was attracted to me, and the physical thing just developed.

But we went on a date-like date. It was our first. I got dressed up, did my hair, and he did too. When we went to the restaurant, he had a look of repulsion that I can’t explain. When we went back to his place, as he cuddled with me, he explained that he didn’t want us to be like that, and preferred our normal relationship at home together. And sometimes, he would get off me saying that he shouldn’t go far with me, since he’s not attracted to me enough to commit. He said he wanted to date many other girls.

Eventually we stopped things because that’s what other people advised. And it took 3 months to actually stop seeing each other. When we are together in groups, I still get this feeling of him following me around and wanting to talk with me. It’s like I’m his favorite person.

The question I had for Eric was about the repulsion I saw in his face. I saw it several times, and thinking about it now, it breaks my heart. I’m not that ugly honestly. And I think it’s fine that this particular person was not physically attracted to me. What I don’t understand is what that repulsion was? Why did someone who spent so much time with me, get grossed out by going to a romantic dinner with me?

The second thing about men I’d like to understand is the attraction/sex thing. He was always grabbing my very nice/large breasts, and he always wanted me in his arms, but how come he decided he was not attracted to me? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I’m about 40 pounds overweight, and he has this fantastical idea that he’d be attracted to me if I lost weight and continues to check me out whenever he can as I lose weight. I’m not losing weight for him, but in the time that we are apart, I can’t help but hope he does get attracted to me. But at the same time, I am disgusted/saddened that this guy is “naturally” repulsed by me, as I am now. And think that he would continue to not find me attractive even if I were thinner/dressed hotter etc just cause we’re missing something. I wish though Eric you could tell me what that is. What is the definition of a man being attracted to a woman, and how can he be attracted to me, when he seemes physically repulsed by me? And how come he still wants me in his arms, when he’s supposed to be physically repulsed by me?

Men are confusing. And the memory of his repulsed face still breaks my heart every day. It helps me not to like him of course, but to know that someone was repulsed by me makes me feel very low.

Reply April 5, 2012, 12:56 am

Kelly

Wow, I’m in highschool
and these articles just make so much sense, even some of my adult friends said they wish they had guidance like this in highschool. High school is super difficult on its own wish I had foind this earlier. THANKS SOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!

Reply April 4, 2012, 4:24 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much for the comment – glad to hear it’s been helpful for you. Glad to have you as a reader.

Reply April 4, 2012, 4:34 pm

steph

HI Eric,

I have a different story, i started to know this guy at work. He did the same when we started text lots, made calls and then we cuddled one time and then he backs off a week after. I was in some emotional distress in one area of my life and I tend to be needy and must have pissed him off. It was also when we cuddled that made me so attached to him as I thought it was already one sign that he likes me. I was wrong. I was also sick of thinking of the whole thing and him backing off so there was a time that I blurted out that I do like him more than a friend. He replied he was sorry to have led me to think that way. I was of course sad, he still talked and we exchanged smiles at work. What I hate the most is that when I text him he sometimes do not reply and when I am so determined not to text him as I get overly pissed he suddenly text me. I do not want to be mean, I reply when he sent me text although in my mind I want to do what he did to me but my heart is also saying yes go ahead and text him back. He mentioned that he like being with me but at this time relationship is not in his priorities. I am confused and now thinking of many things as one of my friend told me that our togetherness means something and even people at work are thinking we are dating. My other friend told me, he must be gay. I do not know what to think but I am just confused, I hate feeling down and getting affected by his cold withdrawal thinking of the wonderful start we once had.

Reply July 5, 2012, 4:33 am

Lirpa

Hi,
I have to say I love this website and all the articles I’ve read. Especially the dating/relationships articles….. I need some advise on what to do.

I met this guy in Sept 2011 and we have a fun time together and we text each other everyday. The thing is we’re not dating we just hang out as friends, but he treats me like a girlfriend which is nice but kinda confusing. He makes me candle light dinners, he surprises me with movies I want to see, he buys me gifts, he’s affectionate & very sweet. He is a great friend and I’d like to be more than friends. I read an article saying if you want to be more than friends with your guy friend you have to be patient. I have no problem being patient, but I would like to know how can I tell if he feels the same?

Also my friends have told me that it seems he likes me more than a friend just by the things he does for me.

Is he telling me something (without saying it) that I’m not getting it?

Reply April 4, 2012, 12:23 pm

Patricia Price

I must admit that you have the mind of an eagle, sharp, focused/and you don’t use useless words, you’re direct, straight and to the point…I find this most refreshing….and want to just say thank you….

Reply March 29, 2012, 1:44 am

Eric Charles

Thanks so much, I really appreciate you saying that. Glad you liked it.

Reply March 30, 2012, 3:16 pm

jennister

Hi Eric, really good manly advice as usual I just wanted to mention what happened to me with the whole friend to fling thing. I met my best guy friend and future husband within a few weeks of each other 10 ish years ago. My bgf has been there for me through thick and thin and became part of my family but never anything more than friends. When my marriage ended I started talking to bgf a lot and we joked about him being my rebound (har har). He asked me out and things starting getting serious which was great for me cuz it took my mind off the disaster of my failed marriage but was not really able to make ummm rational decisions about what was going on. So after him leading the way and me happily following he decides he doesn’t have time for a relationship (wut? was that what was happening?) and just wants to be friends. I complained about my loss of fabulous distraction but tried to “give him the space he wanted” by going out with other people. That didn’t go over well either… something he said early on about wanting this for so long passed through my head… maybe he just wanted to slow things down not actually just be friends? Anyhow I was an idiot for obvious reasons and now he is not speaking to me at all. So I lost my hubs and bgf within a few months after 10 years together! I would just caution others that taking the friend thing to the next level may result in losing the friend no matter how much you apologize later. Now that I’m in a sane happy place I’m missing my friend way more than the ex hubs :(

Reply March 27, 2012, 10:48 pm

Janine

Eric, I’m in a similar situation. I really could use your perspective.

I think I just made a bad move! I told this guy that I’ve come to realize my worth, that my time, heart and body is a prize, not to be given away freely (Which is not a bad thing). Then I tell him that I’ll remain forbidden fruit, off limits to him and that I’d like to be cordial, nothing else. After thinking about what I said, I’m beating myself up! No way was it even necessary for me to say that.

I think I only did say it because I asked him prior if it was okay that I stay in touch every once in a while, and he didn’t reply. It always feels like he’s playing mind games with me. In my prior message I told him that I didn’t want to pester him, and wanted to know if it was okay if I stay in touch every once in a while, and it was okay if he didn’t think it was a good idea, but he didn’t respond back to me. Now I feel like I’ve acted on impulse, instead of controlling my emotions and possibly have blown any possible chance of him ever being attracted to me again.

Reply March 24, 2012, 11:08 pm

Cancuk

“The sooner that you can accept that guys respond to the physical appearance of women, the sooner you can use it to your advantage”
really? REALLY? I think its great you are trying to help women with their self-confidence and all, but this is NOT the way to do it. Women are not just sexualized beings who need to “punch up their look”, “master their makeup” and “dress right”, and any man who requires this of a woman needs to take a long, hard (pun intended) look at himself before judging her. just sayin.

Reply March 24, 2012, 12:56 am

Eric Charles

OK, so you’re saying that these things won’t help a woman increase her chances with attracting a man?
.
Ummm…

Reply March 24, 2012, 1:41 pm

Lisa

Maybe you were just responding to the way he said it. Let me rephrase, pulling in another idea from the OP that you did not appear to object to. Guys like a new, blank canvas of a woman on which to project their fantasies. And they are stimulated visually. So if you want a guy to see you in a different light, try to look distinctly different from how he’s used to seeing you. You could get frumpier but it probably won’t help. So instead, take inventory and find a few things to improve. It’s not a big deal, it’s like remodeling your bedroom. The old bedroom was fine but it’s good to update, keep things fresh, take advantage of the new styles (dresses) and gadgets (zumba!). There is a surprising amount of wiggle room to express yourself within the confines of what guys like. Also it is amazing how even a small weight loss or good makeup application works on them, and most of them are seriously not asking for perfection. You want a magic pill to get guy friends’ attention, even better than being a stranger? Be an aesthetically better version of yourself. Coincide that with letting them see you date people, and that’s all you have to do. It’s actually pretty easy. But then there’s a whole new stage, which is figuring out who’s only in it to have sex with you. That’s covered in other places on here.

Reply April 4, 2012, 9:45 pm

Eric Charles

Lisa – this is a great rephrase of what I was going for.
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Part of the problem is simply because I’m a guy daring to suggest that a woman work on her looks to improve her chances to attract men.
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It’s silly, but if I were a girl suggesting the exact same thing it wouldn’t be an issue at all.
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I’m just here to help.

Reply April 5, 2012, 11:22 am

Lisa

I’m just really glad to read this article. It’s validating. No wonder I’ve been doing better in the romance department ever since I adopted the mantra “Always look better than the last time they saw you.” That plus patience, thinking long-term, like you said. Frankly I’ve come to appreciate my many imperfections for just this reason. Always a new trick up my sleeve, that’s how I choose to see it.

Reply April 5, 2012, 6:50 pm

Mina Bertarelli

Wow! Every article I read is more fascinating than the next. This one in particular is brilliant. It makes perfect sense and I love how you outline an entire battle-plan. Some people can’t handle the truth and most of your articles include: THE TRUTH. And like you wrote, if it doesn’t work, then, it wasn’t meant to be. It’s still a win-win situation. Thanks for sharing your effective and amazing advice!

Reply March 22, 2012, 8:08 am

SunShine! :-)

I told my mom last night I would do this!! This exact list! In the end it is a win-win, I will look GREAT! My goals will be accomplished AND I will be happy and fulfilled! Also, there could possibly be another GREAT FANTASTICALLY AMAZING GUY around the corner! lol Thanks for the confirmation!

Reply March 6, 2012, 12:37 pm

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