Should I ignore him?

First, I’m sorry to hear your story about the suicide. I’m sure that was very difficult and I can understand why it shook you up. My heart goes out to you.

I understand what you’re asking here and I want to help you get the answer you’re looking for.

Just to clarify: with my example about imagining having 10 good options, that was meant as a mental exercise to help you imagine being in a different frame of mind, where that “fear of losing him” wasn’t interfering. I wasn’t suggesting that as a goal necessarily, but just for you to notice how the overall situation affects your thinking and emotions around your immediate situation.

In my coaching, one of the biggest challenges is to answer this question: how do I get this person from where they are now to where they need to be to have the success they want.

In your situation, to answer your question, you need to “start in a different place”, so to speak.

I don’t want to get all abstract or conceptual here, I just want to help you see that the way you’re currently approaching it is setting you up for struggle.

And I don’t want you to struggle. I want you to have amazing success in the way you really want.

So…

You said it yourself, “The trick is not to let fear take control, so your comment really hit home.” so I think we’re on the same page.

You went on to say, “Overall, I think I’m doing fairly well in managing the fear, and I didn’t panic when he pulled back a bit. I didn’t send him any extra messages, just focused on other things and let him come to me.”

My response here: Yes, and that’s good, but you’re talking about how you responded. The “moves” you made. This is good and you made the right moves, so to speak, but we need to go deeper.

If you’re worrying about how things turn out with this guy, that worry (or fear or however we might describe it) colors your thought process and overall “vibe” in the situation. It has an effect, and downstream, that affects your actions, behaviors and what you say.

Even if you make the right moves on the surface, it’s not addressing the root problem that we need gone in order for you to unlock the *best* results.

I’m not asking you to be superhuman. Rather, I’m asking you to entertain a certain thought process to get you into your best mindset–a mindset that, when you’re in it, will make solving this MUCH easier and make you come across MUCH more attractive in everything you do (naturally, easily, effortlessly, without having to think about it or strategize).

I’m going to give you a proven mental exercise that can completely erase any lingering fears, so you authentically live from that most attractive place.

This is unconventional, but I’m hoping you’re willing to give it a shot so you can experience it firsthand and hopefully get great results.

Here’s that mental exercise:

I want you to imagine that the worst case scenario happens here, whatever that is with the guy…

Maybe that means he just fizzles out and stops texting. He ghosts.

I don’t know here. Only you know what that “worst case scenario” is.

(This is just a mental exercise… you’re not wishing for it or calling it into your life or whatever. Just stick with me…)

I want you to imagine that it actually happened that way.

You’re there, it happened that way, it’s done.

Instead of going into your fears or negative reactions, just silently sit with it for a moment… maybe 15-20 seconds, silently.

Now, I want you to say this to yourself:

“OK, this happened and I’m here. It’s not what I wanted, but it’s what happened.”

I want you to sit with that for another 10 seconds, silently.

Then I want you to get in touch with a feeling within yourself. A recognition, really.

I want you to recognize:

“You know what? Even in this… I’m OK and I can handle it.
“It’s not what I wanted, it’s not ideal, but I can handle it and I’m OK.”

And sit with that in the silence.

Sit with the feeling of recognizing that, even in this, you’re OK and you’ll be OK. You can handle it.

—

This exercise needs to be experienced firsthand – a conceptual understanding of it isn’t enough.

If you really DO that mental exercise, it does something incredibly powerful: It erases the lingering fear that looms over all of your thinking about this guy.

The reason I think this works is that our fear runs in circles when it thinks there’s a “looming threat” that’s unresolved… and that if it doesn’t go our way, we’ll be devastated.

So our mind (our fear) tries to “protect” us by constantly ruminating and obsessing about it.

When your mind has the emotional EXPERIENCE of imagining that even if the “worst case scenario” happened, you’d be OK and can handle it, it stops.

It goes silent. It lets go.

Why? Because it no longer sees the situation as a nightmarish, intolerable threat.

I’m not saying you forget the situation altogether. I’m not saying that you don’t want it to work out or “stop caring”.

I’m saying that the unhelpful, sabotaging, poisonous FEAR stops dead in its tracks, finally.

And in that space, without fear gripping you, you’re able to think clearly again. You’re able to be free, carefree, and live as your most attractive self (which is also your authentic self, too).

Now look, I’m not here to change the subject and not answer your direct question. Frankly, I hate when dating coaches do that (you come with a clear question and something you want and they change the subject and never answer what you wanted!).

So I will answer your question now, but I have to tell you… what I shared here is going to be the real answer for you that unlocks what you really need here. I hope you do the mental exercise and, more than that, I hope it gives you amazing results and unlocks the success you really want here.

On to your question you posted at the end:

“My question is really about how to handle it in a healthy way if this vague behavior continues. I don’t want to cut it off dramatically and want to keep the door open, but I also don’t want to accept breadcrumbs. What would you all do in that case?”

OK, so remember… any dynamic always involves 2 people.

It can only continue with your participation.

And since you cannot directly control him, and the only person you control here is you, the only way to answer this is to talk about what you can do…

So let’s talk about that:

First, consider this: Doing nothing is a totally valid response in light of this.

I’ve always said this (in relationships and in business): If I have to choose between a bad move and no move, I’m better off making no move and seeing where things go.

A dramatic end would be a bad move, so I agree, that wouldn’t be a good path.

But many of the other options are just a glamorized version of “chasing”.

Sure they might have fancy rationales or strategies for why you’re doing XYZ, but really, they’re are growing from the same wrongheaded seed: That it feels like he’s drifting away and you’re trying to reel him back in.

You want him to put in more effort and pursue you. Not in a manipulative, “5 ways to make him chase you” kind of way, but in a “he wants me” kind of way.

How can you expect him to step up and put in more effort if you’re the one picking up the slack?

The magic combination that triggers that is: He’s attracted to you & he knows he could lose you if he slacks.

There needs to be stakes. And that’s not something you impose on him but rather something you impose on yourself.

What’s your standard for yourself in a relationship dynamic? What’s your standard for what you participate in?

Or perhaps, better said: What’s workable for you?

As in, what do you need at a minimum from someone in order to have enough to “work with” to have a good, fruitful dynamic with this person?

I’ll give you an example… there were times in my own life where I’d be out with a woman. Sometimes super attractive even… but I just didn’t have anything to “work with”.

There was nothing wrong with her as a person, I don’t mean this as a knock against her. What I mean is that the interactions I had with her just didn’t give me what I needed for it to go anywhere…

Could be anything… maybe she just didn’t “get” me as a person… maybe our personalities just weren’t a match… maybe we just couldn’t “vibe” with each other.

There was enough attraction for us to be on a date–it’s not like there was nothing there. It’s just there wasn’t enough for it to be “workable” to go anywhere.

What I realized was that in dating, your job isn’t to “make it into something” from “nothing”.

There needs to be at least a bare minimum of what you can “work with” with a person in order for anything to even be possible.

If it’s lacking that minimum “workable” quality, you can’t make up the difference.

Part of the challenge for why I didn’t realize this immediately in my own dating life is that it’s hard to walk away from something, even if it’s “unworkable” or “not enough”. Because you don’t want to “lose”. You don’t want to “give up”. You don’t want to “miss out”

Or however you want to express it…

You have a situation where there’s some goodness here and maybe something’s possible. Maybe something great could come of the situation with the guy you have now.

But… not with how it is now. What you have now isn’t workable. Not yet at least.

Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. Doesn’t mean you’re unwilling to work with someone to find what works in a dynamic.

It just means that what you’re getting now isn’t contributing what will make it work, and you can’t make up the difference on your own to make it work.

Any effort in that way would just be glamorized chasing, dressed up as something else. But it would be chasing.

I guess I never liked the terminology “breadcrumbs”. A lot of the dating advice lingo that sprung up like a weed over the last decade has had a vibe of “you’re being wronged by him”… The term “breadcrumbs” or “breadcrumbing” suggests intention on his part which, in reality, isn’t usually there…

But thinking it is… thinking he’s intentionally withholding interest, effort, love, etc. or trying to make you chase… thinking you’re being wronged…

Well, that has an effect on how you approach your love life too. A bad effect.

Sometimes I wonder if the last decade of dating advice “help” that’s appeared in the culture has been some kind of malicious social experiment to poison relationships.

Just kidding (or am I?).

Maybe I’m waxing philosophical about the whole relationship advice sphere, but I have a point:

He’s probably not doing what he’s doing what he’s doing intentionally.

But even if he was, the deeper fact still remains: He’s not giving you what you need to “work with” this dynamic.

So to directly answer your question of “what’s the healthy way to handle this?”, if it were me in your shoes, I would just pull back.

Not out of being mean or trying to “make him chase you”, but because “no move is better than a bad move” and he’s not giving you something “workable”.

Then I would focus on myself: My own happy, fun, fulfilling life.

Oh… and, as long as I’m stepping back, I would also do everything I could to be as hot as possible. :)

This approach gives him space to come to you, doing whatever you can to be as hot as possible entices him and the fact you’re not chasing (at all) sparks the thought in him, “Wait… I don’t ‘have’ her? Hmm… I could possibly ‘lose her’. Plus she looks pretty hot…”

I’d take my attention off him and let it breathe.

That would be my approach if I were in your shoes. Simple and effective, hits all the right notes.

And you’re not doing anything wrong or bad. If he doesn’t come around, you’re in a stronger position than ever (hot, happy and a stronger mindset). If he does? Great, hope he does and it’s great.

Now… I know this was a long response, but I wanted to give you the full-spectrum answer because when it comes to helping with love life struggles, the root of the problem is typically found outside of the immediate problem itself.

Ultimately, I want you to have an amazing love life and I wanted to share everything I could think of to help you towards that.

Hope it helps,
eric charles

@Mary – Amazing, I’m glad – and I always love hearing that!

@Xaza – Of course, you’re welcome. I’m glad to hear it was helpful.

And I’m glad to hear it sounds like things are going well with him. Great!

I would say from here: You can’t really go wrong if you’re present & going with the flow with the guy…

AND continuing to invest in yourself so you know you’re only becoming more attractive, more charming, more “high value” in the dating arena.

I don’t mean to put it in such crude terms, but sometimes I choose bluntness to ensure the message isn’t lost.

Also… when I say “most attractive” I’m not speaking purely on a superficial, “beauty” level… I’m talking about investing in yourself in the way where you know you have options and, if you didn’t have this particular guy, you could find another guy who’d enjoy.

Not that you’re looking to actually do that, but to reinforce the peace of mind & confidence that comes with knowing that you could if you needed to.

Ironically, that will do wonders to cement the stability and effort that this guy puts in because he’ll sense that you have options.

Not by some trick or tactic or front… but because it’s actually true.

Point being: I want you to have a trajectory where not only does your relationship become more stable, more fun, more enjoyful…

Not only does the guy become more into-you, more devoted, more interested, more invested…

But also, every step of the way, you’re becoming more confident, more relaxed, more carefree as time moves forward.

THAT’S a great trajectory. That’s a win-win for you.

And plus, you’re not manipulating the guy or doing anything against his best interests… you’re tapping into your best, and he gets the gift of dating a high-value woman who knows how to shine as just her normal way of living.

It sounds like you’re on a good track, but I wanted to make sure I “put the cherry on top” as you move forward with him. Good luck and I hope things get better and better for you.

– Eric