I read your “Does He Like Me” post (very helpful!), but my question is: Can you help me decode signs a guy doesn’t like me?
There’s this guy I really like from work. We’ve talked a few times – he’s really cute. To be honest, I have a total crush on him!
Problem is, he’s been more stand-offish lately and I’m afraid I blew it, but maybe I’m just being paranoid. Can you let me know common ways to tell if a guy isn’t interested?
I haven’t had a crush in a while. Count yourself lucky – it’s nice to have crushes.
If you are asking this question because you think the man you want is losing interest in you, then the best thing you could do right now would be to take this quiz immediately (it’s highly accurate and will give you point-by-point advice on exactly what to do):
OK, on to the rest of my answer…
Stand-offish isn’t exactly a promising sign, but who knows? Let’s go through the checklist of ten ways to tell a guy is not into you:
1. He’s not around you.
This is the biggest sign of whether or not a guy is into you. If he’s not into you, he won’t be “around.”
It’s funny – guys will act a hundred different ways around the woman they like… they’ll even completely ignore her! Or tease her. Or be annoying.
But if they’re into her, it’s not a matter of how they’re acting. It’s the fact that one way or another, they always seem to be acting that particularly different way only around her.
He’ll find reasons to be close to you. He’ll always just seem to end up in the same parts of the room as you.
You may not have noticed it before, but once you start paying attention you’ll completely notice it. And if you don’t see that tending to happen with this guy, it’s a sign he does not like you.
2. He talks to you about being interested in other women comfortably.
So maybe you and him talk on a regular basis. If he talks to you about other women, or a relationship with a woman, casually and comfortably, that’s a likely sign he’s not into you (in a romantic sense, at least).
Now, a guy might talk about how another woman is hot randomly, and sometimes that can be innocent. However, if you notice that he not only talks about other women, but talks about liking a woman on more than just a physical level, or wanting to date her, then that’s a very clear sign he’s not interested in you.
3. He has no interest in talking to you.
This is plain enough. If he doesn’t have an interest in talking to you, it’s pretty much a given that he’s not interested.
But don’t assume he’s not interested based on something like him not texting you back immediately. Guys and their texting habits can be tricky, and you can’t use that to assess his level of interest.
If he has ample opportunity to talk to you and never acts on it, that’s a sign he’s not interested. On that same note, if you talk to him and he always finds a way to stop talking to you, or always lets the conversation fizzle out and die, then it’s very likely a sign he doesn’t like you in a romantic sense.
4. His body language/general behavior.
Negative body language cues include: avoiding eye contact, positioning his body away from you, not engaging in the conversation (non-verbal signs of this are him not smiling while talking to you, or not nodding and showing active interest in what you’re saying), maintaining distance from you, looking around the room while talking to you… It’s usually pretty obvious when someone isn’t focused on you.
If he does any of these things, he most likely isn’t interested. There’s enough dating advice / flirting tips stuff out there that beats those points into the ground, so I’m not going to spend time talking about body language.
In fact, I lay out the foundations for all the most common relationship advice problems here, so you can check that page out.
5. He’s always busy. No rain check. He sets up dates last minute, he keeps rescheduling, he flakes constantly on you – if any of this sounds familiar, he’s not that into you (as they say). Missing a date or two is one thing, but if this is a regular occurrence then it becomes telling. A guy will make the time for a woman he’s interested in. Period.
6. There’s no difference between how he talks to you vs. other friends. Casual tone of voice. When a guy is interested in a woman, there’s always a slight difference in the way he interacts with her. It may be subtle, but you’ll notice it. He’ll have some special way of talking to her, or extend some special kind of attention to her that he doesn’t generally extend.
The best thing you can do to tell if a guy likes you is pay close attention to how he interacts with others in general. Which brings me to my next point…
7. He flirts with you… but he flirts with everyone else, too. This is where I see a lot of women get confused. They get all wound up because some guy totally swept them off their feet. He got her number, they had a charming conversation, she texts him and…
Nothing! Where did he go?
The problem is this particular guy flirts with every woman. That’s just his way of being.
In fact, I used to have a habit of calling women pet names like sweetheart, “hun,” and stuff like that. I thought it was affectionate and nice, but I meant it in a platonic way.
I didn’t realize it, but I ended up leading women on and they took it to mean I was into them and started crushing back on me. I honestly wasn’t talking to them this way to be flirtatious, but it came off that way.
I learned my lesson, and the lesson I want to impart here is that you have to pay attention to how the guy interacts with others in general, not just with you.
8. He’s a friendly, outgoing guy in general. Similar to above. Pay attention to how he interacts with others.
9. He doesn’t talk about feelings, doesn’t say “I love you,” or says he’s “not sure what he feels” (a.k.a. I know what I feel and you would not respond well if I told you).
This is more in the realm of relationship problem advice, but I figure it’s worth mentioning here.
In fact, I think the very best thing you could do right now is read the following article:
If you’re dating, or “seeing,” a guy and it’s been going on for several months, the common warning sign that he’s not really invested is if he doesn’t share his true feelings with you.
This isn’t exactly a relationship advice post, so don’t get too bent out of shape since all of this should be taken in context. Guys go about expressing their feelings in all different ways, so it’s important that you set your antenna to their frequency and let things unfold over time. In general, giving a guy space and time to show his feelings is the best policy.
The only major red flag is when it’s been many months (say, six or more) and any conversation around feelings has him saying he’s “not sure” or “doesn’t know” how he feels.
10. He ignores you and/or shows you disrespect (putting down your values, thoughts, ideas). Some guys have their own issues to work out… and unfortunately, some women get caught up in being the medium through which the guy works them out.
To be perfectly honest, I’ve been that guy. I regret saying and doing some things I’ve done and said in relationships. The truth is at those points in my life, I was working out my own issues and I took it out on the woman instead of addressing the person who really had the problem: me.
Still, if a guy regularly ignores you, disrespects you, or puts you down, you need to seriously consider moving on.
This is tricky, usually because when you’re on the receiving end, the painful parts feel bad… but the good times, by contrast, feel amazing.
It feels like progress… like you made a difference… like you’re worthy. It feels like an emotional roller coaster. And it can be addicting.
The problem is, it usually ends in emotional wreckage. If you notice a pattern like this, my advice is to get out of it!
OK, those are enough signs he does not like you to get you by. If you want more, we have a whole chapter devoted to figuring out if a guy likes or loves you in our book “He’s Not That Complicated: How to Crack a Man’s Romantic Code to Get the Relationship You Want.”
There’s also our very popular (and extremely accurate) “Does He Like Me?” Quiz, so you can check that out here too:
Hope it helps,
– eric charles