It’s Complicated with my Best Guy Friend

This turned out to be super long, so here’s the CLIFFNOTES VERSION: My guy friend and I dated for 6 months and are now back to being friends. He asks me not to text him when he’s on dates and he doesn’t tell any of his dates about me. He hides me from them. He says we’re not cheating because we’re not doing anything physical. I disagree. I’ve told him I’m ending the friendship because of this, he doesn’t want to and says I’m being dramatic. What should I do?

Here’s the LONG VERSION: My best guy friend and I have a complicated relationship. After he broke up with his longtime gf, last summer, he and I decided to try dating. The dating relationship started out great and we jumped into adopting a cat together after four months. My friends and family all advised against it, but it was something we’d been talking about before dating, so we moved forward with it anyway. We had a really good time together for about six months. Then when he found out his ex was dating someone else, he finally began grieving the relationship. Seeing his pain and how he needed space, while also dealing with my own personal issues with work and mental health, I suggested we cool things off and focus on ourselves. He agreed, so we transitioned back to friends. We have a great friendship and are doing a great job taking care of our cat (he lives with me, and his “dad” comes over regularly and is financially responsible).

The problem that has come up is that there is always that feeling of more than just friends, but less than a relationship. We haven’t slept together since December, and we haven’t kissed since January. We’ve been good about drawing that line. Despite that, there have been several times we’ve hung out that seem more date-like than just two friends hanging out. For example, we’ve gone on several day trips to the cliffs where we drive a few hours and spend the day looking out at the water from the cliffs, talking, laughing, hiking, taking pics. We’ll be gone all day, so we get breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and have watched the sunset together.

We’ve both agreed that we’re not a couple and we are free to date other people. And we have. He even briefly got back together with his ex. One of the times we were out at the cliffs together, his ex texted and asked him to send her his location. He panicked because he knew she’d question who he was with at the cliffs all day. I told him to just be honest and tell her he’s with his friend (she doesn’t know that we dated or adopted the cat). He wasn’t comfortable telling her and made up a story that he was with one of his male friends. Then next time we hung out, she called, and he again told her he was with one of his male friends. After that, I asked him why he lied. He said that he just didn’t want to cause any drama. His ex has always been super jealous and sometimes even checks his phone, so he is trying not to cause any problems since they just got back together. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it, and he assured me that he’d be honest with her soon.

This continued to happen a few times where he’d lie to her about being with me or he’d tell me that he’s going to be with her so not to text him. I told him that made me uncomfortable. I was getting to the point where I was going to tell him that I can’t continue to hide our friendship from her because it’s making me feel like the side chick when I’m not, but they ended up breaking up. So I never brought it up again.

He is completely single now and is actively dating. Just yesterday, he texted me asking me not to text him or send him anything on social media until the evening after he gives me the ok. I told him I don’t like it when he does that and that it makes me feel weird. He told me that he’s not doing anything wrong. He’s single and I need to just trust him. He went on to say that women always question things and he doesn’t want to deal with it. I told him I didn’t feel right about it and let him know that if this continues, I will have to walk away from our friendship because I feel my feelings aren’t being valued.

I didn’t hear from him until this morning, when he said good morning and asked how I am. Still feeling uneasy from last night, I said that I don’t feel like my feelings are being valued or respected. I told him that he continues to ask me to do something I’m uncomfortable with and that I’d never put him in that situation. That’s not friendship. I also asked if this request is something he asks of every one of his female friends. I find that hard to believe, so why is it just me he’s asking this of? I added, “you say we’re just friends, but when you do things like this it makes it seem like there’s more there and it’s confusing. I told him that I have a lot of male friends and this has never been an issue so if this is going to be a problem, I’m done. I can’t allow him to not respect me enough to value how I feel.

He made more excuses. So I said, “What I’m hearing is that you don’t value our friendship and you don’t respect me. I think this friendship has run its course. Let me know when you’re available to come by and pick up your things and return my key.” He has a key to take care of the cat when I’m gone. I also made it clear that he can still co-parent the cat, but I need my house key back. He told me, “No. Don’t ruin a friendship over something stupid like this.” He also talked about all the stress he’s been under. I recognized that we are both under a lot of stress and said “I’m doing what I think will alleviate stress from both our lives and walking away.” I also told him “We have to be strong and do what’s best for us. And right now, maybe friends isn’t what’s best for us. Maybe that will change in the future – and I hope it does – but right now we need to focus on healing ourselves.” He kept saying “no” and telling me I was being dramatic, in a bad mood, and that he’d talk to me tomorrow. I let him know that this isn’t a mood. This is something I’d been thinking about for a while now. I even said, “we can talk tomorrow, but I’m going to feel the same way. I think we just need to take some time apart.” He said I was getting mad for no reason and said he was going to block me for today to give me time to cool off and that he’d talk to me tomorrow. He also added, “we aren’t in a relationship. We’re just friends.”

Did I overreact? Or did he? Is it normal to ask your female friends not to message you when you’re on a date? Is it ok to “hide” your female friend from the women you date? Is it just me, or does it seem like he likes me, but not enough. Like he doesn’t want to date me, but he wants to keep me around and not tell other women about me just in case he decides to date me in the future. I’m so confused. I hate ending a good friendship over this. But I also feel very slimy when I know he’s lying to other women when he’s with me. He insists we’re not cheating because we’re not kissing or having sex. I disagree. Cheating comes in many forms and I feel like this could be seen as one of them. I have always prided myself on not getting involved with men who have girlfriends or wives. Now I feel like I’m the other woman. What should I do? How do I handle this?