Communication while on a "break"


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This topic contains 47 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Anieke Nel 4 years, 8 months ago.

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  • #443539 Reply

    Elizabeth

    Hey everyone, I wrote about my relationship before, and I need some new advice now that my boyfriend and I are taking a break after almost a year and a half of a nearly perfect relationship. He needs to figure other things out in his life and said that he doesn’t want to put me thorough it. He said that we can still text during this break but just not see each other, and that’s where the problem is.

    We text on and off throughout the day (always with him starting conversations) about absolutely nothing, and when I try to make the conversation fun or interesting he just shoots me down with a “nice” or something. It’s frustrating, and while I like hearing from him, I think these forced conversations hurt more than not talking at all.

    So should I tell him that? Ask for a few days of not texting to see if he misses me? He still tells me that he loves me every night but it feels like he’s just telling me what I want to hear. I’m afraid if I do cut off communication, he’ll agree and not hearing from him will hurt worse. Or that he’ll realize he doesn’t miss me and that’ll be the end. Any advice?

    #443542 Reply

    Gemini615

    Stop initiating completely. If he reaches out, you can politely respond, keep the convo short. Get busy, do not be available to talk all the time. You are on a break so you really shouldn’t be talking every day. He’s not going to miss you if you’re so available all the time.

    #443544 Reply

    Elizabeth

    That’s basically what I have been doing. I never initiate, he always texts me after work because that’s what we’ve always done, and I don’t respond immediately. He knows that I want to talk to him so I think that’s why he’s reaching out; I want him to want to talk to me, you know? That’s why I think I have to say something or he’ll just keep texting me like its his “duty” or something. Maybe if I just say that we don’t have to talk every day if he doesn’t want to? That way the ball is still in his court and he can make the decision; he’s the one that initiated the break after all.

    #443548 Reply

    Gemini615

    You’re still being too available. I don’t see the need to talk at all during a break unless it’s maybe once a week, if that. It is a break for a reason; you can’t expect anything to change if you are still behaving as you were when you were in a relationship with him.

    If that means asking him for space, then do so.

    #443549 Reply

    Bigbumper82

    In the words of Sean Paul, “Get Busy”. You describe a no win situation either way, as it stands you don’t like the quality of text you’re currently Getting but then if you stop texting him you’re worried that you wont hear from him at all and you completely break away. Give him opportunity to have something worth saying. If he doesn’t then, then what did he really have to say in the first place. You don’t have to be rude, just go no contact and go out and do stuff, occupy your mind with other matters so if/when you do talk, he can be intrigued by you.

    #443551 Reply

    Gemini615

    You should always treat a break as a break up; there is a reason your relationship has gotten to the point that you are now on a break and usually when that happens things aren’t good. Treating this like a break up even if it’s not officially one yet will help you practice focusing on other things and getting used to that person being absent in your life. One of two things will happen: this will end in a permanent break up and if you’ve already been treating this break as break up, then you’re a few steps ahead in the process of moving on. Or, the distance you’ve created will scare him and he’ll run back to you ready to repair the relationship because he doesn’t want to lose you.

    Either way, it’s a win for you.

    #443552 Reply

    Elizabeth

    Okay, thank you both. I’ll try to cut off contact. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m being silly or dumb, but this is my first relationship so I don’t know how to handle these things. I appreciate your help.

    #443555 Reply

    Jenny

    … The ball should be in neither court. You should be using this time to reasses whether or not this is the type of relationship you want. When people say they need time to “figure things out” it usually means in reference to YOU. You’d imagine that the best relationships are ones where you can turn to your partner for comfort and support through the “hard times” NOT push them away. Space is one thing, a break is entirely different. You continuing to give him what HE needs while disregarding or pushing aside what YOU want, leaves him ungrateful. He isn’t forced to feel what the reality of losing you would be like so he’s comfortable in half in, half out with the door wide open. In reference to that analogy, push him out and shut the door, he can figure his sh*t out outside and when he rings the bell *contacts you*, open the door, say hello, blah blah blah, shut it when finished until he figures out if he’s in or out. Right now he’s standing in your doorway and you’re bringing him food when he’s hungry and water when he’s thirsty. Nu uh!!! Come into the airconditioning with some sweet tea inside or burn outside in the sun. Lol. Shouldn’t be able to have it both ways for too long. You’re running up your electric bill and bugs are getting in. Hahaha

    #443558 Reply

    Elizabeth

    Thank you Jenny, that analogy makes perfect sense! He needs to realize what it would be like to lose me. And if he decides that it’s not that bad without me, that I deserve someone wayyyyyy better. Thank you.

    #443562 Reply

    Vanessa

    LMAO Jenny!!! That is awesome!

    #443575 Reply

    Khadija

    Elizabeth,
    Being on break is a break up.When you are broken up with someone talking to them on a regular basis is not going to help them decide if they will miss you. It’s space and no contact that will allow them time to see what life is like without you.
    Oftentimes women fear that if they stop talking to a man he will not miss them. If he truly loves you he will hate this time away and find his way back to you.

    This arrangement you have with this ex is BS and selfish. It’s all about him and what he wants.What do you want? Is this really how you envisioned your relationship to be?

    I see you mentioned that things were perfect, obviously not on his end.

    I think it’s time you have some boundaries and stick up for yourself. Don’t just sit around and allow a man to come and go as he pleases.This is your life and you deserve nothing but the best. Stop leaving the crack in the door for him to have one foot in and one foot out.

    #443616 Reply

    Elizabeth

    Thank you Khadija. Our relationship really was great, I had never felt closer to him and then he went to a weekend music festival and everything was different when he got back. We’re too serious and he wasn’t sure what he wants and he has all this other crap going on in his life and so on. It was just so sudden and out of nowhere for me; I think that’s why I’m taking it so hard. You’re right though; I need to break contact and put some distance between us. If he doesn’t come back, then, as hard as it will be, we weren’t meant for each other. Only time will tell. Thank you.

    #443722 Reply

    Elizabeth

    Well I did it. I said “I think it might be better if we didn’t text until you figure everything out? You wanted a break but you’re not getting it with us texting all the time. I don’t think anything is going to get better unless we get a little distance from each other. I want you to text me because you want to not because you feel like you have to. When/if you get to that point, let me know.” He read it 3 hours ago and didn’t respond. I figured he’d at least acknowledge what I said or even fight me on it but nothing. I guess that’s what I asked him to do but it’s still hard to cope with.

    Did I do the right thing? Was I too harsh? I feel like telling him that I’m not mad at him and I still love him, but i think this is for the best and what he wants. I want him to know that I’m still here for him if he needs me, you know? Should I tell him that or just let it be? If I’m having trouble with just 3 hours, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to wait him out for however long it takes.

    #443813 Reply

    Gemini615

    Yes you did the right thing although I think your explanation was too wordy. You are focusing on the wrong things though; stop worrying about getting a reaction out of him. He’s not going to react because he’s the one who wanted this break, so if you were doing this because you were hoping he would beg you not to cut contact, you have the wrong idea. You need to be doing this to help YOU move on.

    You don’t need to tell him you love him and miss him, blah blah blah. He knows, and if you follow up with that, you will look weak. Get yourself busy and distracted so you aren’t thinking about him so much. You need to start filling up your calendar with things to do because if this turns into a real break up, you’re going to need to be doing those things anyway to help you get over him. Best to start now.

    #443834 Reply

    kw

    I would cut all contact. Delete him from facebook too… Join a dating site and date. That is the best thing you can do. And he will find out and see what he lost. That is what needs to happen. If you are always there for him, he will use and abuse. Screw that. Ditch him for a while, quite a while. Go out with friends. If you need more friends, google meetup and start going out in social settings with groups of people. Really, it sucks but you can’t just sit around waiting on a guy. There are millions of men out there!!!!!!!! Don’t wait…

    #443837 Reply

    Khadija

    Good for you Elizabeth!
    You did the right thing.
    I understand this will not be easy but it can be done.
    You have support here if you need it.

    #443845 Reply

    Elizabeth

    Thank you everyone. This is really hard but I’m trying to distract myself. I ended up texting him earlier before any of you responded because my friend said it would be okay. I just assured him that I’m not mad and I’m here if he needs me and I’m respecting his need for space because it’s understandable. That may make me weak but I feel better now that I got it out there. I also may sound naive but I think this is just temporary. I truly believe he still loves me. I was really needy and clingy for a while and was depending solely on him for my happiness. I realize it all now and how unhealthy it was and how much it probably freaked him out. Space for him and I to both think about it is the best thing right now.
    That said, I’m not looking to date other people right now. I know people think that’s the easy fix but I’m not that kinda girl. I need to focus on myself right now, and I owe it to this site for making me realize that. Thank you.

    #444087 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    Not good, stop texting him, wait for advice here write a text or e-mail if You must and then delete it. You can also write a diary in which You can write to him but no matter How hard it is do not ever send any of them. There is something going on at his End, he may have met Someone at the festival but wants to keep his options open. Never apologize for speakin Your mind if he loved you, he would have responded right away. Forgive yourself though we all make and have made mistakes and please try to move on With Your life.

    #444114 Reply

    princess

    girl , one word for you and i’m an expert.

    IGNORE HIM and he will run after you like a dog.
    IGNORE him and you will not be desperate , clingy , cheap , loser-ish , lifeless.
    ignore and stop talking to him or about him to anyone ( but us ) for advice.

    DO NOT let him think for one second you are missing him , wanting him , loving him.

    be NICE but FAR.
    respond oNE day later, not before. dont make him know u read his messages. fight the urge.
    LEARN FROM THE EXPERT. i shud charge for my advice.
    and u will tell me he WANTS u back.

    #447179 Reply

    Elizabeth

    Hi everyone. I am extremely ashamed to admit that I didn’t listen to your advice, but now I made my own mistakes and realized how right all of you were. Like I said before, I’ve never been in a relationship before, so I struggled with the NC rule, and it didn’t work out, surprise surprise. The point is, I know for sure that I need to listen to your advice and I’m sorry I didn’t before. :(

    So here’s what happened. He texted me a few days after I initiated NC and I tried to keep my responses short but it felt so nice to talk to him! He sent me a video of him singing a song he knows I love and said he’s working on another one that I like, so that felt nice. And he initiated so I took that as a good sign. He even told me that he loved me before we fell asleep. But then, during the week, everything went back to the way it was before: either little contact or not talking about anything. So I got tired of it again and suggested NC again. That lasted for the weekend and then he called me to tell me about the interview he had. And again, it was so nice! We had a great conversation and it felt like we were back to normal. So I asked if we could see each other over the weekend and he agreed. We agreed to go to the beach. Well, those plans fell through on Thursday and he didn’t suggest anything else. I felt like I was the only one trying so I decided that maybe I should just officially end it since it felt like he was just skirting around the issue, too much of a coward to do it himself. I didn’t want to break up over text, so I asked if he could come over on Saturday (today) because I wanted to talk to him in person and get a little closure at least. He agreed and asked for a time, but that time has come and gone and he’s been ignoring my texts all day so far.

    I’m so tired of being treated like this and crying myself to sleep every night. I didn’t want to end things over text because I thought that after over a year of a relationship, we both deserve better. But he hasn’t given me a choice. Should I text him again, “officially” breaking up? Not bitter or angry, just resigned and tired of this facade of a relationship? Or should I just NC and assume it’s over?

    #447187 Reply

    redcurleysue

    I will tell you honey…if a guy treated me like that I would feel I owe him nothing.

    He has not been polite or had the manners to show up when expected…that is a low low blow.

    I really hope you are over this dude…and I do call him a dude….cause he is not the one for you.

    Kick him to the curb permanently.

    #447188 Reply

    pamela

    No wonder he is ignoring you, you are his lap dog and he knows you aren’t going anywhere. As I was reading your last post, I was cringing hearing you describe how when he threw you a few bones (texts) you were so happy etc. Please have some self-respect and dignity, know your worth. Do not allow a man to be your be all and end all, especially one who does not want to be with you.

    You are coming across as pathetic and desperate. Go back to NC and stick to it. c’mon surly there are other guys or other things you could be doing other than waiting for this guy to throw you a bone.

    Guys do not respect girls who they can get at the drop of a hat, rather they go after the ones who they have to work for. Right now you are the latter. Have some dignity. Sorry if this is harsh, but I read your posts and you really need a wake up call. Girls like you is one reason why men think they can treat women like crap and get away with it.

    #447190 Reply

    pamela

    Do not pretend you are seeking closure, when what you really want is for him to come over in hopes of convincing him to be with you. If I can see this by just your post, don’t you think he senses that as well?

    Give yourself the closure you need by accepting that this guy is over you, or he is seeing someone else. Do not be his option or fallback girl.

    #447191 Reply

    Elizabeth

    Thanks redcurleysue. I’m not over him, not even all that mad which I guess sounds kinda silly. I’m just really tired of it. He never acted this way before; we had a great relationship and I think that’s what keeps me holding on. He’s my first love…I think there’s a small part of me that will love him for the rest of my life. But I think I’m just going to go NC. Officially breaking up with him might give me the closure I’m looking for but it will also show him that I care enough to need that closure…does that make sense? Instead I’m just going to make him miss me because I’m almost positive that he will, and I’m going to focus on myself, not our relationship. I’ve been too available like everyone said before, and that won’t make him miss me at all.

    #447192 Reply

    Elizabeth

    Thanks Pamela, I’ve been thinking everything over and you’re completely right. My actions have been disgusting. You’re right about the closure thing too…man, that’s really pathetic. No wonder he’s ignoring me; I think I’d ignore me too. I need the wake up call. Thank you.

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