Ask a Guy: When a Guy Withdraws After Sex post image

Ask a Guy: When a Guy Withdraws After Sex


I’ve been dating a guy who I have known for a while for a month. The dates have all been amazing, we have so many core values, beliefs, and lifestyle aspects in common.

However, the part where he have sex and he withdraws happened.  I’ve been totally cool about it, giving him all the space in the world, no calls, texts, emails. My Facebook page (which I know he looks at) makes it clear I’ve been out with friends, at events, and that good work things are happening.

My questions are: Is ANY contact okay during this withdrawal, or is all contact off limits for a while (the “Rules” say it is…)? How long do I give the withdraw period before realizing he doesn’t want to take things further? Is there anything a girl can do, apart from knowing that the guy would be crazy to not want her and continue to have an awesome life?  And is there any other form of encouragement we can provide that lets him know we are interested in him, but not sitting around helplessly?

First, it’s a huge mistake to look at relationships like some sort of game where there are rules to follow and a strategic ways to respond to specific situations.

It sounds like you want your relationship  with the guy to progress and you read somewhere that guys lose interest after sex, and now you’re freaking out because of receiving either bad advice, or misconstruing the advice you got.

Let me make this simple for you…

Guys want to capture a prize. And yeah, of course guys want sex, so if you think that sex is the only bargaining chip you have then you will always feel paranoid about men using you.

Think about it – do you honestly think that men choose a woman for their one exclusive relationship  just for sex? Of all the sex with all the women out there they could be having – do you really think it’s just about sex for a man to make his choice?

I would have to imagine you’d answer: “Definitely not.”

OK then, if that’s the case then the sex is a non-issue. Frankly, if you have a pulse, you’re going to have sex with the guy sooner or later. So really, since it’s inevitable, the real concern is finding the “something more” that goes beyond just the sex.

Listen, when you inspire a man to see you as a confident, fulfilled woman with plenty to offer other than physical pleasure, he doesn’t treat you like an option. He pursues you with hunger and drive.

When you have the mentality that you have one bargaining chip (sex) and that you should hold out because it will magically generate interest, you’re viewing sex as your one and only asset.

If a guy isn’t all that into you, but knows you’ll give it up on date #3, he’ll stick around long enough to get some booty then leave. His thought process is most likely, “Well, I wasted this much time with her… might as well cash in on the obligatory third date sex.”

My point here is that if you want to win with this guy (or men in general), you have to view yourself as a prize to be won as a whole. Not just your sex. You need to see yourself as the proverbial Goddess on Earth, a spectacle to behold… a woman that has that certain “extra something” that makes you rare and unlike the rest.

People are entranced and captivated by someone who has an air of excitement, adventure and pleasure to them. While it can seem like men only want physical pleasure, what most really crave is a woman who reaches them on a deep and profound level.

Going back to the whole issue of giving a guy space. First, keep in mind that if your mindset is needy towards the guy or relationship, the amount of time that’s passed won’t really matter.

But I mean… if he went from constant texting to now a full week going by with nothing, then go ahead and text him.

When I talk about giving a guy space, I’m talking about giving him psychological space. A lot of other dating advice writers like to talk about waiting X number of days or holding out to make him text/call you first.

The fact is – if you’re needy and obsessing over him and your relationship with him, he’ll still feel it… even if you’re not calling or texting during that time. He’ll know – guys have a very good sense of it.

In that case, you’re not texting him, but he’ll still feel like he has no psychological space… he might not be talking to you because he feels like it’s an extremely delicate act, like walking on eggshells. And that’s very exhausting for a guy.

He’ll feel that way because he picked up on that energy from the girl. She can do all the “rules” in the book, but if he feels like she’s desperately obsessing over the situation turning into a relationship, he will want to escape (unless of course he also seeking that…)

To answer your question, go ahead and initiate contact. It won’t “hurt” anything… if he’s picking up neediness, from you then the damage was already done. Contacting won’t change it.

And if he likes you and was just caught up and busy, he’ll be happy to hear from you.

The biggest reason I’m harping on this whole texting thing is that when I see a woman stressing about something so trivial, it is a strong sign to me that she’s obsessing about the relationship. And that obsession leads to overwhelming fears and insecurities… which leads into neediness… which leads into acting desperate and making mistakes that drive the guy away.

To tie it up: your frequency of texting doesn’t matter if you’re truly not needy. And if you are needy, he’ll pick up on it sooner or later – no amount of texting rules will hide it.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

{ 39 comments… add one }

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Debbie

My boyfriend loves to have sex and would love it everyday if he could, but I have just lost interest, mainly because my boyfriend only thinks of his own needs and doesn’t try to turn me on what so ever and that gets so frustrating. I have tried many times telling him that I cannot just get in the mood when he does nothing at all to try to get me in the mood. I feel that a lot of women love to be treated like a queen and if he would just put some effort into it, but he doesn’t and I do believe he is very selfish and only thinks of his own needs! I feel that he doesn’t find me beautiful and I don’t even feel that way about myself and that’s why he won’t do anything to try to get me in the mood. He just comes up to me when sometimes I’m just laying in bed and he just comes up to me and says, “do you want some? “And that is pretty much what our sex life is, so what is this saying to me? Has he lost complete interest in me? Do I just not turn him on so I am just there (for only him to have a piece of ass? I don’t know how to take this or what my boyfriend even wants from me. Does he want to end our relationship and wants another girl? (My boyfriend in the past has cheated on me and his other relationships as well.) Can someone please give me some advise? Thank you.

Reply August 8, 2014, 8:07 pm

Des

He appears to be quite selfish and your question boils down to is it you or is it him?
In actuality, in spite of your attempts to express your feelings to him he continues to ignore it. If you’ve attempted to guide him toward your pleasure and he still ignores it, the problem is with him: he’s sexually immature and selfish, inexperienced and has no desire to improve himself, or he sees you as nothing more than a service station. You’re there to pump his ego and get him off, then he’s done. You didn’t mention whether this behavior carries over into other areas but I suspect it does.

Here’s the bottom line: this is your quality of life. You don’t get to change him. He’ll change when he’s been rejected enough or challenged enough that he realizes he has a problem with being a selfish jerk in bed. YOU cannot change him and nothing you say or do is going to change him. Your choice is to stay with this guy and accept this is how he is, who he is, and enjoy a lacking in quality sex life, or break things off and raise your own bar. You’re allowing this treatment by sticking around.

He clearly does not love you in any respect. He doesn’t appear to even respect you that much if you’re a service station for his ego and he’s getting sex elsewhere. There are over 7 billion people on this planet. Your world won’t end if you kick this one to the curb and look for better options.

Just know that if you stick around knowing he doesn’t actually love you and doesn’t actually respect you, then you deserve what you get from here :)

Reply August 9, 2014, 12:25 am

karen

I don’t understand how you can be open like this and not be worried about std s and HIV, how do you not worry if the guys messing with others?

Reply June 24, 2014, 1:59 am

kim

Can anybody please tell me your thoughts on this because it really is frustrating me! I work in the same place with this extremely good looking guy he is 33 he has a son and I am 20 he is very sweet,nice, friendly,we laugh a lot, always makes eye contact when we talk and initiates the conversation with me,he never fails to stop by to talk to me even if its a for a little and he compliments me sometimes…later on he smiles while I talk to him and he grabs my chin really soft…he has always told me that he respects me so much and if he ever needed anything or even talk I could always go to him not to be scared he will always be there for me..,so I had a bf and we broke up I was sad and turned to him and he said he appreciated a lot that I trust him and he will help me in any way he can to help me feel better…so he would invite me to lunch to give me advice etc and he would pay he would come pick me up and take me back he was super sweet! He told me he wanted to go to the beach at night just to walk together etc Well he then invited me to his house to watch movies and I said yes :( so one thing lead to he other and we ended up having sex ..now even in bed he was so sweeeet he even would kiss my head and forehead and hug me very tight he told me he had always liked me but he wouldnt tell me because he thought I was happy with my ex and told me he wants me and I was the one for him and keep laughing with me and being super cute all the time…he would send me pictures on the phone of things he saw that would remind him of me and buy me some desserts…so everything seemed like he really liked me! Well we had sex again at his house and after that he only texted one time saying he wanted to go to the beach with me and his family after that he didn’t text me or call me anymore… He would text me every morning too… I haven’t texted him or called him at all because I don’t want to be clingy or bother him, I play it cool like it doesn’t bother me…I feel like he pulled back because the ceased everything now he just says hi laughs with me about whatever and that’s it just at work…he is distant now and I feel like I was used for sex I did a mistake to do it to fast with him…he knows he is the second guy I have sex with too…I really fell for him but I’m trying to ignore him and just talk when he talks to me (always done that) I am not bad looking at all..I could say more than half the guys at work want to be with me but I ignore everyone I dont even flirt I’m just very nice and everyone tells me I am very innocent and they like that about me a lot..this guy told me everyone from his dept wishes for my attention and other guys as well I know its true lol I’m not cocky and I dont come off as a bit*h who thinks she’s all that… Im probably the nicest person at work! …could it be he never cared and all he wanted was sex? He is not married also and he is not he type of guy to ell everyone what happened between us I can assure you that. I really miss him and want a relationship with him:( I feel so stupid for having sex w him cause after that he changed…he still is very nice but thats it..what are your thoughts??? I decided to tell him when I see him that I don’t want to have sex anymore…I’m not that kind of person to have sex too soon with someone I’m not in a relationship with and keep playing it cool…I’m not gonna chase him also…do u think he will want me? See that I’m different from other girls…idk maybe he will want to get my attention back ? Inside I’m very sad…

Reply June 8, 2014, 11:21 am

Des

What exactly are you bringing to the table? You basically said he’s bent over backwards to be with you and text you all the time and you didn’t text him because you don’t want to appear clingy? Seriously? Participating in the relationship is the only way it’ll move. You’re trying too hard to keep from being seen as clingy to the point he’s the only one in the relationship. The last thing you are is clingy. And he’s probably figuring out you’re not bringing anything to the table, he’s doing all the work, you act like a coy introverted nice girl and not giving anything back.

He probably thinks he’s giving more than you are and is pulling back and pretty soon he will feel hurt and frustrated that you turned out to be a complete waste of time.

If you don’t want to see him wave to you from a distance you better step up and start actually participating, putting in something, giving back…which isn’t chasing him, it’s being IN the relationship. You want him to do everything and when he gets tired of it, you can’t understand the problem. That’s your problem. It’s one sided and he’ll get fed up and go find someone who shows she wants to be with him, hang out with him, hook up with him, likes his company, and is an active participant.

Reply August 9, 2014, 12:35 am

annette

I think Eric has not actually answered her question. She seems confused as to the right time to communicate with the guy after he’s withdrawn after sex. I find it strange that a guy should withdraw after sex as it usually makes the couple feel closer. Withdrawal may be a psychological sign: guilt – he may feel guilty afterwards because of a situation he has not told her about or because he is wronging someone else; or it could be plain selfishness – i got what i want and now i need to focus on other things in my life. Then we he needs a ‘refill’ he’ll return and withdraw again.
I think when a guy acts in this manner, it means that there is something wrong in the relationship and therefore the girl should reconsider this relationship if she would like it to be more than a sexual relationship – it probably will not be. If she is happy to have him as a sex buddy, then it’s ok.
This has nothing to do about the ‘space’ one gives a guy after he withdraws after he’s had sex. No woman should put up with this unless it is what she wants (i doubt how many women really want or accept this behaviour).

Reply June 2, 2014, 2:58 am

Nicole

This is the first site that I’ve come across that makes sense and is very helpful. Keep up the good work. Thank you so much to the both of you!

Reply May 8, 2014, 6:55 pm

Jodie

I have a little issue with this article. Eric said

“When I talk about giving a guy space, I’m talking about giving him psychological space. A lot of other dating advice writers like to talk about waiting X number of days or holding out to make him text/call you first. The fact is – if you’re needy and obsessing over him and your relationship with him, he’ll still feel it… even if you’re not calling or texting during that time. He’ll know – guys have a very good sense of it”.

The lady’s problem is asking ways in how to communicate with him that doesn’t sound needy. She doesn’t sound desperate and needy at all in her questions. She has stated that she has given him space, no texts no calls and emails etc. but Eric’s advice above states IF. What about how to communicate with him so that he doesn’t withdraw? What about communicating with him that will make him change for both their sake in the relationship without acting needy. What does he mean by acting needy and desperate? I mean just because a woman talks about her relationship with her boyfriend, it doesn’t mean she’s needy and desperate, it just means she wants him to be a keeper and step up and be a mature man. If not, that’s tough for him.

I don’t think you should blame her for being childish because every woman has different experience with a guy and every guy will act differently towards a woman. All she has to do is talk “it seems like we have a good time together but I just want us to slow down on the sex right now because I like it when we’re like this without the sex at the moment, how do you feel about that?”. This is what Eric needs to point out in his article.

He also assumes she’s going to act needy because she’s the woman “if he’s picking up neediness, from you then the damage was already done. Contacting won’t change it.” – Not all women are needy and not all women will push a guy to be with them if they
don’t want to – women can also be strong-willed too. Every guy is different, could he be one of the minority of men who will change regardless of whether she contacts him? All THEY have to do is make the relationship work without sex. He will have to change his behavior FOR her once she communicates what she wants. So if a man won’t change for you why should you change for him. Do you think that by no calls, texts, e-mails etc. will make a man stay with you? You’re basically changing your behavior for the guy. DON’T! Keep in contact with him like you do otherwise and lessen the sex so BOTH of you change for BOTH your relationship’s sake. Men should also change and respect her wishes if he really really cares for her to withhold sex for awhile. No texts, no e-mails and more IGNORING is going to ever work if there’s no communication.

What if the woman in writing did everything in her power to make him stay, but he still withdraws? Telling women to stop being obsessive and needy is unfair. What if the woman did everything in her power to make him stay and he still didn’t act on it, what if she made the changes their men have requested from them with a positive attitude and received no help back from their partner or their partner has refused to work on his end of things? Suggesting that women should just give up if they have a positive attitude and their man doesn’t change just perpetuates and kind of pardons that behavior in a guy (this isn’t to say I advocate staying in a relationship where your partner does nothing for you despite your best efforts). He doesn’t really give any real suggestions to improve communication between partners (regardless of sex) so that maybe the offending partner doesn’t view a request for change as a personal attack. He only suggests be positive and if that doesn’t fix everything, oh well, just forget it.

Reply March 31, 2014, 3:12 pm

bld

Sorry, I dislike most of Eric Charles’advice because it always tells the woman what she is doing wrong… the right man will like you flaws and all… and if you can find a single man in today’s society who is not a egocentric dolt or narcissist stuck in cave man days, God bless you! The only way women will dig their way out of our male centered society and is to not succumb to their power trips and so called advice that is meant to keep you in your place… do you what you want ladies! And don’t try to let any man tell you you are wrong for being who you are!

Reply October 31, 2012, 2:58 pm

Stacey

Agreed overall, but if you’ve read through some of these questions, you’ll see that women are going about things all wrong, assigning some sort of intrinsic value to their vaginas to use as a negotiation tool to snare a guy on a longer term basis, or being all around psycho neurotic – vandalizing some guy’s property because she can’t make him love her, or invading his privacy because she’s an insecure, paranoid idiot, or playing head games.

A secure, confident woman can get a guy’s attention, flaws and all, but when a woman isn’t bringing anything to the table but neurotic nutjob drama, and a guy isn’t impressed, the problem lies with her – and only her.

Reply November 1, 2012, 3:35 am

Anais

The reason his advice tells women what they are doing wrong is because his advice is for women. Most dating gurus take this approach. In this case, it makes sense since the women are the ones asking, not the men and they CAN’T “change” the guy they’re dealing with. They can only change their own actions and do what may make a better outcome. People always wait for others to change when the only person they can change is themselves or their choices. I’m sure male dating advice is the same way. i.e., they focus on what the man is doing wrong not the woman. This is the approach I take when offering advice to both my male and female friends too.

Reply April 11, 2013, 3:36 pm

Luke

This kind of comment always gives me a sense that the commenter is a child, refusing to take responsibility for herself, oh no of course you should never change and become a better person, the entire world should bend over to meet all your needs, being in charge and doing all the work is men’s business right? YOU can’t be expected to change for anyone else, YOU can’t be expected to take responsibility for how men will react to you, that’s all men’s OBLIGATION to you right?

Grow up is all I can say, no one is obligated to take you as you are, if who you are isn’t worth taking, and the only kind of men you’ll get are losers who’re just as desperate as you.

Reply March 13, 2014, 9:30 pm

Keila

I agree 100% with Eric. Great response Eric! Im a woman and i like sex just as much as the guy so if im attracted to him and the passion is there we will probably have sex within the first 2 weeks of dating. If the chemistry is there we will connect in other ways as well. I feel hes not taking advantage of me or using me for sex because we are BOTH getting something we want. I NEVER have sex with a guy thinking “now were going to be together” like some fairytale. That’s how a girl thinks not a grown woman and trust me…I used to think that way then I grew up. it just doesn’t happen that way and holding out on him makes it no better it just prolongs the inevitable. Sex is what it is and shouldnt be the only deciding factor when a guy chooses his woman and if is then he is probably a jerk and you don’t want him anyway. People give sex way to much power. Its fun and feels good ladies…enjoy it! I really think the woman needs to have a clear understanding of what she is willing to tolerate after having sex with a guy. If him texting and calling on a regular basis is important to you then you should stop dealing with a guy who feels its not. I personally don’t think it’s all that important. I’m not playing that game. If i want to talk to you im calling you or texting. Trust me while you are waiting on him he’s talking to another woman who thinks like me. Guys don’t care about that if they like you they will be happy to hear
From you. They like to feel wanted jus like we do but not stalked. Now if u call him and he never answers or responds thats what i call withdrawal its time to move on. I’ve learned from a guy I have been dealing with off and on for a year and a half now that men are attracted to confidence. When he does something I dont like I just cut him off. No communication whatsoever. He plays it cool sometimes then other times he comes right back and fixes whatever it is I didn’t like. We are not in an exclusive relationship but we like each other a lot I think we are just too much alike. We have both been married before and just aren’t ready yet so we like the sex with no strings. When we r together whether its sex or just going out together it feels exclusive so thats all i need right now. There are certain lines he knows not to cross with me as do I with him because I have told him and he has told me. it’s always after I have cut him off. There is no drama with us it’s just the way we are till one of us gets married or either marries each other lol happy dating everyone!

Reply September 3, 2012, 1:26 pm

Yogagurl

I like your attitude a lot. I like how you don’t have an agenda and just enjoy the men you like for who they are. Thank you for teaching me.

Reply July 1, 2013, 11:12 pm

anony

Just passing through because I recently read in a text book, men who’ve slept with multiple partners tend to lose attraction for a girl after sex – (hypothesized to be) an evolutionary mechanism to ensure he doesn’t commit as it is more costly than having multiple partners. Then I saw your post… Have you ever heard of a book called The Fall? It’s a story that’s meant to, among other things, teach people about “self-deception”. You my dear vixen are self deceived.

Reply November 6, 2013, 6:01 am

anony

Oh I am agreeing with you, Anony. As a woman, you can love sex and have it as soon as you want and as much as you want and that is attractive in some sense because its freeing.. (another great book about sexuality is called ‘Sex at Dawn’) but what I think ends up killing it is, biologically a man’s brain is wired to compete to win the prize, then sex becomes part of the spoils of that won prize.. and only on this quest does he delve in to the emotional side of his brain to even conjure up the bonding feelings. So when you go around acting like sex with you isnt a big deal and you can do it just as much and just like any man, then you become like a man to him. And lets be honest, no man turns down some good sex.
Does that make sense? A feminine creature values those intimate parts of herself and even though she (I) absolutely love being sensual and sexual and have a high sex drive, I dont forget about the fact that mens brains are wired differently. Therefore my womans brain idea of being free with sex because its awesome and im evolved, etc, doesnt match up with his male brains wiring which says.. the longer sex is eliminated as an option in the beginning, the more time there is to develop an emotional connection with this woman, because once I have had sex with her, the desire to compete has been eliminated and I am satiated.. and they may not even understand that consciously, however, Ive heard some men even say how much they hope a woman doesnt let him sleep with her because of how hard it is for them to meet a woman who they can get to know emotionally without having to be validated by sex first. Keep in mind, sex for a woman bonds them chemically to a man and this does not happen on the mans side. His brain seeks quantity as a way to express freedom, which in turn releases different chemicals in his brain that fuel feelings of masculinity. So if you decide to have sex like a man.. then.. well… you cant expect the outcome that comes from having sex like a woman. :)

Reply November 27, 2013, 5:06 pm

Elaine

Ok, Recently I have had a whole new realization about sex. I realized in my last dating escapade that I really should not be sleeping with a guy until we are in a commited relationship. The reason why is because yes, it does make me crazy when I like him and then we sleep together yet there is no commitment. It makes me upset and needy and probably does make him run off, which is somewhat understandable. But sometimes in truth the relationship is really not there yet. So I think if it’s not there yet then we should not be having sex! I feel like girls are trying to hide all these feelings and play it cool, when of course we feel attached and close to them. We have given them something special and given everything we have got to them. I really just think its unfair. Why should we have to give the guy sex just because it is “expected”, when they are not willing to give us commitment. (Not all girls want a commitment) But for those that do, I feel that it is way too hard to have sex with a guy you care for, yet hang out in limbo playing it cool. I really am sick of having sex waiting in the wings to see whether he is going to reject me or accept us. Sure, a lot of guys may not like that or get impatient, but forget that. My new thing is, why should I compromise what I want to please them. For example, have sex with the guy, yet he is not even spending the night. He doing what makes him comfortable. So I should do what makes me confortable I’m just done compromising and now realize I need to hold more value how I feel, first and foremost. If he won’t wait then is it really worth having. I just thing society dimished how powerful sex is. It is something that causes a lot of pain and hurt when not in the right context and before the right time.

Reply September 1, 2012, 4:29 am

Angelica

You are smart Elaine.

Reply August 12, 2013, 11:02 pm

Janet Adeline

Think about it – do you honestly think that men choose a woman for their one exclusive relationship just for sex?

Most of men of course want sex. Women should not be annoyed by it, this is men’s natural. If a man is interested in you but not in sex, you gonna be worry about it. Women should be happy about men want to have sex with them, because it tell them they are attractive to men, but it’s up to women’s decision to make the choices.

Reply July 19, 2012, 9:41 am

Anonymous

Your comment really proves how women tend to just think about what men want. You’re saying men naturally want sex and women should just conform to that and hope that in turn they will end up being appreciated.
But women also naturally get attached to a guy when having sex, which is sort of contradictory to what guys feels, but equally important. So why shouldn’t guys say: Women naturally want a connection before and after sex, so we shouldn’t be annoyed by it, we should just accept that it’s natural and respect the woman’t decision.
Of course women sometimes want just sex – no strings attached. Sometimes just during a night out or during a time in their lives; but it’s a lot rarer. Because even anatomically speaking, women experience orgasm in their brain, while men experience it through some nerves in the lower back.

So men want sex as soon as possible – naturally – and women get attached very easily through sex, so they naturally feel the need to be in a relationship once they have sex. Both men and women are entitled to do what is right for them. But if guys don’t get sex from a woman they really like, they can wait; it’ll maybe be annoying to wait, but they won’t get their heart broken.
If women on the other hand will compromise on this one, they end up feeling used and hurt; they will lose some of their confidence in themselves and in men.
So women, remember that your need for attachment after having sex is as legitimate as guys’ need for sex without planning to commit to a girl.
If a guy seems to just want sex with you, do it if you’re ok to be left high and dry afterwards.
If you really like a guy and he asks for sex, wait until you can see that he is as hooked as you are. If he’s not, you’re not gonna make him commit by having sex and then stressing out and trying not to act clingy, although that would be natural for you.

Reply April 28, 2014, 8:05 am

Megan

I was talking to the guy for two years and everyone said he liked me. So I finally gave in and had sex with him. Like 5 minutes after he left he texted me. the next day I found out my phone was getting shut off and i told him idk when and he responded back. Later that day I told him I had straighten everything out, but I havent heard from him since. It has been three days since we have had sex, Ive texted him back the next day and he never responded. Did I pretty much tell him to get lost or something? Or was he using me for sex?

Reply July 15, 2012, 3:45 pm

Julia

Sorry Megan. I’m in this situation. There might be two problems; he’s embarrassed about something he did wrong and is overthinking the situation; or he’s retarded and therefore doesn’t deserve you. Don’t make yourself crazy by reaching out to him. If you do, he’ll think you want something more. Even if you don’t reach out to him, he’ll think that too. Why? You slept with him. In my situation, the guy I’ve been dating for six weeks insists on doing it because we’ve been out 5 times. Fine. I call his bluff. I do the strip tease with the lacy lingerie, waxed like a porn star. He doesn’t want the visual stimulation (!). He says I’m just doing it to get out of sleeping with him. So, I take off my underwear. Now he can’t “do it” because stuff doesn’t work. I’m surprised, amused and relieved. So we cuddle, and I try to reassure him that the whole thing was fun, because I enjoyed the time with him. 7 days later, he still hasn’t called me, and I have a “never initiate contact” rule (because I don’t call him, he told me he feels pressured to do something, so go figure). When he finally contacted me it was a text to say he had a cold, but that would ask me out when he got better. Before the sex fail, he was all “I love you so much. I respect you. You’re a super woman. You’re awesome.” I basically reply to his text with a “having a cold sucks, get better soon” and ignored his next messages. He calls on Sunday, I didn’t pick up because I was enjoying my weekend, and do not make time for rude men who insist on getting laid and then don’t call back.

Reply January 13, 2013, 3:53 am

Darius

that’s because you were two years without sex. it was too long to keep the relationships without sex. as result, you make sex as the prize, not something natural, and, when he got the prize, he finished his “competition”. it is not good too have sex immediately but to wait too much as well get it even worse (he said he liked you because he wanted to win prize but why you made the sex as the prize).

Reply July 29, 2013, 2:54 am

michelle

It would just be nice for a guy to be upfront from the beginning. If a guy says he is looking for something serious then of course, we are going to react to that and want to nurture that possible relationship. If a guy would just say, “I am not looking for anything serious” then us women won’t get so frustrated with the lack of communication. Unfortunately, when I don’t get any communication, I think the relationship is over and I move on. I had a guy literally tell me he was serious about me after our first date. i was skeptical of course, but eventually let my guard down and he pulls the no communication crap.

Reply July 5, 2012, 7:32 pm

Stacey Taylor

If this site and advice is actually offered by a guy (and not a clever female!) then color me 100% impressed. That is astonishingly refreshing. So many advice sites run by guys who haven’t got the first clue about women, or even about how people work regardless of gender or sexuality. The couple posts on here I’ve read so far are right on.

One thing though, guys can’t read your mind. People you query on net forums only get your side of things, and clearly you’ve lost your objectivity the second you hit the send key anyway, and nobody can read the mind of whatever guy you’re referring to.

An easy rule of thumb all women should follow is that before a guy is a male, he’s first a human, same as you. He’s the same animal. Ask yourself how you’d feel if X happened. Ask yourself how you’d respond if X happened. Ask yourself why you do things when X happens, and chances are in the 90% bracket, that’s going to be his motivation as well.

Great site. Definitely keeping this on one my daily reads list. And to the guy that’s behind it – thank you for not giving these women dopey, idiotic advice that will only compound their issues with men. You rock. (But if you’re a female, then hahah! Clever girl!)

Reply July 4, 2012, 4:26 pm

sweetie

7 years we have been dating? I broke up with my boyfriend going on our 5 year being together ,, we where apart for 11 months. During that time which he lived with his back then girlfriend in her home and they worked in the same place of employment. He always call but I never answered because I knew he was living his girlfriend. He would always drive by my house at al hours of the day to check on me. SEcretly he was paying my bills online. He had my information from when we where still dating. Eventaully we got cak together. Today we have been 7 years dating, engaged once and never got married. My question is will we ever actually get married?

Reply July 4, 2012, 2:10 am

Julia

No. He won’t marry you because he’s probably married to someone else.

Reply January 13, 2013, 3:33 am

neinei12

Thank you!! My problem is almost the same as the problem of the girl above. It really open my eyes to a bunch of solutions for this complicated problem. I guess i didn’t want to show the guy how messed up i am by what he’s doing and how hard i’m trying to protect my pride. That i don’t want to be the first person to call or show i care about what he’s doing. I pretend everything is fine. Oh and TRACY love your comment… Thank you for putting it out there.. True that!!!

Reply June 27, 2012, 3:22 pm

sarah00

I have to admit, I always assumed that guys weren’t intuitive & that it was us women who had strong intuition, gut-instinct & the like. This article was an eye-opener!

Reply June 25, 2012, 6:06 am

whittiany byrd

How do you know if you and your partner are officially over and if he has already moved on… we got into a big disagreement and went a couple of days without speaking nor seeing each other but then I broke the silence and called him but now its back to silence with each other in almost a month,,, Are we really done..?

Reply June 25, 2012, 3:08 am

Think about it this way

Ladies
Have you ever felt a gut instinct or picked up on someone’s energy? This I believe is what he is speaking about. Recently I went out on a date with a guy I met online. The frequency and content of his texts and calls seemed “normal” however I could quickly sense that he felt desperate and obsessed with having a relationship. This may sound awful but it was a huge turnoff for me. While we all want attention and interest there’s also a level of confidence and independence that I want in a boyfriend. Even though his actions said one thing his attitude and overall energy screamed doormat, pushhover and extremely desperate. People can perceive things about us even by the way we walk and carry ourselves. It’s not necessarily in what you do but your mindset. People pick up on vibes. It’s natural to get excited about a prospect but always keep in mind that if this doesn’t work out there’s plenty of other options out there for you.

Reply June 24, 2012, 5:23 pm

Tracy

true, but you say it was his frequency & perhaps tone of his calls/texts that turned you off. That’s different. I don’t see anything in the above story or even in my situation that warrants a “withdrawal” response. I don’t see how as long as you’re upbeat & “cool” & call once after a long time just to say, “hey, how’s it going,” is going to make him feel like you’re being needy.

Reply June 27, 2012, 6:03 pm

Stephan Labossiere

I have to give it to Eric, that was some great advice. I usually see the wrong things being told to women, but Eric did a great job of answering this woman’s question.

Reply June 22, 2012, 3:43 pm

Tracy

I’m totally confused by this! Sounds like she did everything right! How would he know that she is needy/obsessing if she hasn’t even talked to him. I mean, for all he knows she is going out & having a good time, & not worrying. Do guys have some sort of esp? If that’s the case I’m in trouble, we’re all in trouble. A woman is human, I’m sorry. We have feelings. If thats such a turn off how do we ever find a guy. We are not perfect. Why do we have to be perfect I’m in a similar situation minus the sex part and don’t know what to do. I’m not doing anything to show my crazy insecurities I swear. everything she did is what I have been doing based on what I’ve been reading on this website & others. its not working. what is a girl supposed to do. you say a woman needs to be a prize, but how does she make herself a prize when she can’t even make contact? How is that being a prize? Plain & simple, sounds like he’s just not interested which I’m afraid is the same for me.

Reply June 20, 2012, 2:05 pm

Tracy

I also don’t understand why it doesn’t matter the frequency of calls, texts, etc., I mean doesn’t a guy want to talk to a girl? I don’t mean it has to be everyday or even every week, etc. but aren’t humans social creatures? don’t we need human contact at some point? I, mean were supposed to enjoy each other, right? Are we supposed to communicate telepathically or something? what am I missing? sorry, just frustrated. not a crazy person, I promise. Quite the contrary

Reply June 20, 2012, 2:21 pm

Lisa

My answer to your question about how would he know if she’s needy/obsessing is first make sure you know what needy/obsessing means to a guy. It could simply mean that he senses she’s even thinking about a relationship. If a guy is not even thinking about a relationship, and he senses the girl is AT ALL, he will pull back. Thinking about it at all is considered obsessing. Plus we got an uphill battle because men are programmed to look for those signs, and programmed to believe that women will want a relationship, which they don’t mind until they sleep with the woman. In fact they’ll even play into that, they can’t help it, up until it no longer serves them ie they’ve slept with the girl and the girl is getting all those cozy postcoital togetherness feelings. And a guy starts looking for those signs and getting fearful practically the minute he ejaculates. So you could be looking at him all starry eyed because you’ve got endorphins, but he’s seeing you looking all starry eyed because now you’re in love with him and want to have 10,000 of his babies. I don’t have any real answer for what to do, I’m part giving insight, part venting and part giving incomplete advice, which is: Never ever ever equate sex and relationship in any way. You can’t expect anything in return for having sex with a guy. The sex itself should be enough of a motivation or don’t do it. The only thing I’ve ever noticed makes a difference is managing my responses after sex. For instance, I do not blow off my morning to spend it with the guy afterwards. When I’m ready to sleep, I gently disentangle myself from the cuddling and get the space I need to sleep well. That kind of stuff. One thing I’ve done once now with success, and I’d like to see Eric’s opinion of this, is I took the initiative to say something. Instead of waiting for the guy to do the “this isn’t a relationship” talk, I asked him, “Do you think that I want to be in a relationship with you?” He bluntly told me “yes.” And I was able to set him straight, and now I have a bed buddy any time I ask, which is good because it’s what I wanted from him. But I like this approach because it takes the initiative, and just getting it out there is a relief for everybody.

Reply June 23, 2012, 8:27 am

Julia

I have a similar problem: I know a guy who likes me. He’s been proposing that we get together in a serious committed relationship, but all I want is a bed buddy for cozy nights in. You know, hot bath, wine, music, and shenanigans. Every time I suggest that I would be interested in just doing it with him, he says something about “a relationship.” I can’t get any, and he’s so hot and ripe for the picking. He won’t allow me to keep him as a companion. He wants more. How ridiculous is that?!

Reply January 13, 2013, 3:38 am

Yogagurl

Julia…your post cracked me up. The needy male bed buddy! And you are the one who just wants sex. Thanks for making me laugh…even thru all my pain.

Reply June 20, 2013, 7:09 pm

Lau_ra

OK now, why is knowing what you want equated with neediness? The guy knows he doesn’t want that woman as a bed-buddy, but as a gf, he has integrity and doesn’t agree to be a toy until she finds someone to be her bf. And he is needy? Seriously, people, think of the notion of neediness again, cause from that point of view wanting a relationship looks like a terrible thing. From what I experienced and noticed around me, those who complain about neediness of others the most, usually have committment issues and get freaked out about completely normal behaviour of interested person.

October 25, 2013, 3:11 pm

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