Ask a Guy: When a Guy Withdraws After Sex post image

Ask a Guy: When a Guy Withdraws After Sex

I’ve been dating a guy who I have known for a while for a month. The dates have all been amazing, we have so many core values, beliefs, and lifestyle aspects in common.

However, the part where he have sex and he withdraws happened.  I’ve been totally cool about it, giving him all the space in the world, no calls, texts, emails. My Facebook page (which I know he looks at) makes it clear I’ve been out with friends, at events, and that good work things are happening.

My questions are: Is ANY contact okay during this withdrawal, or is all contact off limits for a while (the “Rules” say it is…)? How long do I give the withdraw period before realizing he doesn’t want to take things further? Is there anything a girl can do, apart from knowing that the guy would be crazy to not want her and continue to have an awesome life?  And is there any other form of encouragement we can provide that lets him know we are interested in him, but not sitting around helplessly?

First, it’s a huge mistake to look at relationships like some sort of game where there are rules to follow and a strategic ways to respond to specific situations.

It sounds like you want your relationship  with the guy to progress and you read somewhere that guys lose interest after sex, and now you’re freaking out because of receiving either bad advice, or misconstruing the advice you got.

Let me make this simple for you…

Guys want to capture a prize. And yeah, of course guys want sex, so if you think that sex is the only bargaining chip you have then you will always feel paranoid about men using you.

Think about it – do you honestly think that men choose a woman for their one exclusive relationship  just for sex? Of all the sex with all the women out there they could be having – do you really think it’s just about sex for a man to make his choice?

I would have to imagine you’d answer: “Definitely not.”

OK then, if that’s the case then the sex is a non-issue. Frankly, if you have a pulse, you’re going to have sex with the guy sooner or later. So really, since it’s inevitable, the real concern is finding the “something more” that goes beyond just the sex.

QUIZ: Is He Losing Interest In You?

Listen, when you inspire a man to see you as a confident, fulfilled woman with plenty to offer other than physical pleasure, he doesn’t treat you like an option. He pursues you with hunger and drive.

When you have the mentality that you have one bargaining chip (sex) and that you should hold out because it will magically generate interest, you’re viewing sex as your one and only asset.

If a guy isn’t all that into you, but knows you’ll give it up on date #3, he’ll stick around long enough to get some booty then leave. His thought process is most likely, “Well, I wasted this much time with her… might as well cash in on the obligatory third date sex.”

My point here is that if you want to win with this guy (or men in general), you have to view yourself as a prize to be won as a whole. Not just your sex. You need to see yourself as the proverbial Goddess on Earth, a spectacle to behold… a woman that has that certain “extra something” that makes you rare and unlike the rest.

People are entranced and captivated by someone who has an air of excitement, adventure and pleasure to them. While it can seem like men only want physical pleasure, what most really crave is a woman who reaches them on a deep and profound level.

Going back to the whole issue of giving a guy space. First, keep in mind that if your mindset is needy towards the guy or relationship, the amount of time that’s passed won’t really matter.

But I mean… if he went from constant texting to now a full week going by with nothing, then go ahead and text him.

QUIZ: Are You Accidentally Destroying Your Love Life?

When I talk about giving a guy space, I’m talking about … (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: When a Guy Withdraws After Sex)

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Hit the nail on the head. And this is coming from a woman. Sometimes you need to find out a way to spend your time that actually makes you happy (a team at a local rec center or whatever is your cup of tea) instead of literally wasting looking for problems in your relationship. Happy people attract other people. Set your happiness as the goal and you’ll find the person you’re looking for.

Reply September 9, 2016, 2:33 am


“First, it’s a huge mistake to look at relationships like some sort of game where there are rules to follow and a strategic ways to respond to specific situations.” How Ironic. Isn’t that’s what this whole site is about?

Reply August 29, 2016, 6:19 am


Well me and my neighbor had sex 4 times within the past couple of months. He told me he has a girlfriend with whom he has been off and on for about 4 years. He said a lot of the times they argue a lot. Anyways he told me upfront that he wanted sex with no strings attached and I said OK. But now I like him. I was texting him almost everyday and he eventually said no more contact because he felt bad about what he had done even though he said that he loves sex and has to have it all the time. Well now I feel shitty because I like him. It just sucks. So I guess I need to just let it go? Any advice out there?

Reply August 2, 2016, 2:11 am


that was sexy. and romantic. good luck

Reply September 27, 2016, 4:14 am


I am 35 yo girl dating the 40 yo successful doctor. He’a a succesful Physician Assistant in SF, divorced and has 1 son. I also come from a highly respectable Indonesian famil We’ve been in 10 months of long distance before he decided to come to visit me on July 16, my birthday. He never mentioned before that he’s taking his female PA with him even though he told me that after visiting me he’s going to go to Singapore for a medical conference. We had great times, finally made love. everything was beautiful until I got drunk and I felt that his female PA touched me. the mistakes I made was I yelled at his Female assistant, when I drunk on my birthday. I also refused to have sex with him. I didn’t remember any of the event cause I was so drunk, I only remembered that I vomit before I passed out.
The next morning he became cold and distance and kicked me out from the apartment we rented, his PA told me that he needs to go to Singapore to attend a meeting and I better leave cause they want to finish some work before going to the airport. at first I complained cause he promised to stay with me at least for a week but he told me that he is also shocked with the change of schedule and asked me to leave soon. Before I left, I apologized directly to his PA about what happened when I was drunk and also apoloflgized to him for pushing him away when he tried to have sex with me while I was drunk. He kissed me and hugged me before I go and told me that he’s proud of me for being calm and showed dignity under the unexpected circumtances. Shortly after I go I sent him long messages to thank him for a memorable birthday and the effort he made to fly from San Fransisco to Jakarta to visit me, I also apologized for my attitude when I was drunk. I told him that I will give him space and time he needs, I told him I love him and I don’t need another man to make me whole and I will just do the things I do and keep working my way to get scholarship to USA as we’ve planned. I told him, I’ll go to US with or without him. This is the first time I made mistake and for the whole 10 months during our Long distance I showed him I am no drama queen, I am strong, independent and have qualities he needs in a partner.
it’s been 2 days since the night. He’s going back to his country now. and still no call nor messages.
He’s not blocking me on the apps we use to communicate though. I stop messages him and I9 don’t even call him not even once until now. I show him that I mean it when I said I want to give him space he needs.
Do you think I still have a chance with him?
I’m still trying to accept the fact that he broke my heart and he might slept with his female PA. I guess I’m still on that classic denial state.
Any help/advice is warmly accepted.

Reply July 20, 2016, 9:17 pm


I read the article and some of the posts there and I have a few things that came up to my mind. First of not all women feel as privileged to compete for the attention of a nice guy. Some women are not as competitive on a beauty scale,but I believe every person has something special to offer another person. If the guy she falls for uses her and trows her in the bin like a disposable napkin it can make every girl feel bad. What this article makes me feel as though women who have some security issues because they were burned a few times or don’t look good enough in comparison to other but still appealing, are still not good enough for a man to turn around after sex for her. He is looking for a diamond in the rough, for profound connection but if a man has sex with a woman knowing she is not that girl than he is absolutely not worth pursuing. He is a coward, lair, insecure himself, doesn’t know what he wants, user and so forth. I rarely met a woman that will sleep with a man who she doesn’t want to pursue after first sex !!! It’s the man’s personality to try humping a few females and braking a few hearts until they find that special girl that will teach him a lesson and at the end he also may get dumped because she finds someone higher in the privilege scale or sees what a coward he actually is. Man always seem to want sex first. What I noticed is that man and women are looking for a mutual benefit in the western world mostly economical or does she look pretty enough to walk next to me. Very superficial and shallow.I try not to take it personal if a man dumps me after sex because I know I am loving, sexual, caring intelligent ,fun and exciting and have a great personality in the right type of relationships. I just can’t offer the right things for him at the right time, or maybe he is not good enough for me, but I see a man who can and is able ,and gave the promise to stick around or implied it and then dumps the girl, I think he is a coward and there is nothing wrong with her or how much she can offer a profound connection or he insecurities or feeling not good or confident enough. I personally have been out with man who i know I can roll drunk on the street and he will take care of me! This is the real type of guys i am talking about , the others are not strong enough, confident enough and need extra reassurance, put conditions on love , where love and sex should be unconditional unrestricted and man have to be gentleman and not excuse themselves with her not being a good enough catch.

Reply March 23, 2016, 6:49 pm


Well I’m not sure if its the right site to post this but the love of my life broke up with me 3 months ago. We never had the ‘no contact rule’, we always stayed in contact and we see us one time a week. The thing is he told me he doesnt love me anymore, and I think its true because why should you say something cruel to someone who would give up everything for you. We had the most romantic lovestory ever and nobody can believe its over. Well, I said we hang out sometimes and when we do, it’s like we never broke up. He cant wait longer than 20 minutes and need to kiss me, he reach out to take my hand, he make all the moves. Sometimes I’m really mad at him because he blocked me and delete all our photos on facebook and I think this is not okay. We also had sex together, often and after the sex he would be cold to me. It’s always like that. We fight, we see us,fight, everything is okay, we have sex and boom he would not contact me for 2 days. I would bomb him with messages how rude he is and he would answer short and cold, like he did it just because of sex. Now I told him we could be only friends, and that I dont want to sleep with him anymore. First he said that this is not okay because if we have a romance I should sleep with him, yesterday I bombed him alot with messages and he told me he doesnt want me to stay overnight at his house and he doesnt want to sleep with me anymore & that he needs space. What I totally dont understand because we dont see us often and we dont talk much. I have no clue whats going on with him, he also told me he cant show me emotions because he has no emotions. I would appreciate your help, does he only wanted sex from me and was cute because of that and now when he said he dont want to sleep with me anymore and that he needs space, he just dont want me anymore? He gave me the best feeling ever I just cant believe he is so cold and rude to me when I was the only thing he wanted and now .. i’m the last thing he wants to see

Reply February 23, 2016, 5:44 am


I slept with a guy I work with I Luke him alot but now he acts like he dont know me at work and always walks out with another woman …we had sex a few times…what happen I would like to date him but I don’t know what to say or do…I messed up by sleeping with him to quick…what should I do

Reply February 18, 2016, 5:57 pm


Very helpful website

Reply January 28, 2016, 1:26 pm


Can I just say, you are the most down to earth, helpful, inspiring “ask a guy” writer I’ve ever come across. I have watched YouTube videos on men giving women dating advice, I’ve bought books, and sought out friends. But by far, your sound advice inspires a woman’s own confidence and inner happiness that cannot come from a man. In turn , I’m reading from you, that a man will be interested in that quality. Thank you for your words. Your articles have given me so e things to think about and bring into my life to create a more meaningful life for myself instead a guy. You’re amazing!

Reply January 22, 2016, 4:25 pm


Hmm the problem is that some men will be interested in that quality (happiness/confidence) only because they want to make a conquest of you. There are psychopaths out there and maybe Eric doesn’t get that – I mean are we brushing something under the carpet here? That male sexuality can be predatory, and that when that’s taken a bit further then men can go to incredible lengths to make a sexual conquest of a woman – purely for the sake of their ego?
What’s needed is the psychological understanding of what that sort of behaviour looks like. A fling after a few drunken evening dates is one thing, we kind of all know what that means, though women often regret it they do understand nothing was invested or promised and they know to live and learn from that. (Or maybe just enjoy it if they don’t mind casual sex or don’t see the guy as long term relationship material. If that’s a mutual scenario then all’s well)

The issue is men who go for really long term pursuit purely for an ego boost, when the woman feels he’s building a relationship or trust etc. Also the issue is that men can project terms such as ‘needy’ ‘unstable’ ‘psycho’ on to women who want a relationship because the man feels guilty for pursuing her purely for sex when he knew all along she was seeking something deeper (because she said so in clear ternms prior to sex for example) and understandably she feels hurt and angry when she realises those months of saying how much she means to him were all lies. Guilt can make us behave in crappy ways. Women should not accept this mantle or label of ‘needy’ etc unless they’re truly demanding a relationship from someone who has shown zero real interest.

I have close non sexual relationships with some men, and they’ve been clear about the predatory aspects of male sexuality. I.e. that a man will often feel a thrill of power when a woman shows she’s emotionally vulnerable towards him, even if he doesn;t care about her. Men with a conscience won;t indulge this by leading her along, but loads will. One man told me how sexually exciting he found it when his gilrfriend was vulnerable because he’d been distant with her.

Maybe we need more honesty from men who aren’t quite so invested in appearing important or sexually attracted?!

Eric’s right though that witholding sex is pointless in terms of building a man’s love, though it is of course a good idea if you don’t feel emotionally safe with a man yet, or indeed sexually attracted!

Reply March 13, 2016, 5:35 pm

Eric Charles

What percentage of men do you believe are psychopaths/sociopaths?

Reply March 13, 2016, 7:47 pm


Please help me here. I know I might be a high maintenance being a single mom with kids and not very financially stable. I am automatically disqualified to feel like a good catch but playing the give him space game is lame. I want to be myself. I wrote my opinion above, I think most man will screw a woman knowing she is not the one, yet lie to her. this makes quite a bit of psychopaths and insecure or unsure type of man too or animals who cannot control their own emotions towards a woman after a few drinks.

Reply March 23, 2016, 7:14 pm


Ok. I’m super confused. Not sure if he doesn’t give a crap or his behavioral is healthy. 3 weeks, 2 dates. Never even kissed or held hands. We agreed we weren’t out for sex but the 3rd we met up we had sex. Everything flowed perfectly. Next day I made a comment projecting my trust issues. He pretty expressed how upset it made him and ignored my calls and some text. Eventually we agreed to take a weeks break. Is this healthy? I feel completely used. I can’t figure out if maybe he just wanted sex and used my trust issue as an excuse to run. It feels horrible, to have had such a connection with him to then not have a normal conversation for days now. It really sucks. Is he being too hard on me? Or is he right for behaving this way. He hasn’t even texted to say hi or Gnite. Nothing. Ugh. Feedback please.

Reply January 6, 2016, 7:52 pm


so I met this guy back in august after 6 months of me breaking up with my boy friend of 12 years at that point I wasn’t looking for no one but the guy seemed different so I went on to talk to him from time to time and every time I talk to him he seemed to be very interested in me that made me interested in him so after a while I wanted sex so we was about to twice the first time I was ready he wasn’t what he did was drop a bomb on me to say he has a girl friend and was 22 he didn’t want to do it because she read our text ok so I was disinterested at this point but still wanted it ok so time went on he begain too reach out again me just still liking him I play hard to get again then after that I was done I just didn’t want to waste no more time with him so a little time past he reached out again so I went to see him and we had sex for 5 min I was upset but then I was like too my self that’s just what I get… for being stupid so I talked o him twice after that the first time was to say that I want a retry the second time was to make sure he was all on board so the day came I call and text his phone no answer so I left a long text to him about how he was some shit and he is a little boy later I felt stupid and instead of apologizing I told him merry xmas of course he didn’t respond but for some reason in way I still want it what should I do

Reply December 31, 2015, 12:36 pm


I need advice on this guy, he’s driving me crazy and I don’t understand why.. Let me break it down.. We met at a show exchanged social media we talked here and there it was nothing till one night we both started to flirt I gave him my number he texted me right away.. We texted for over a month all day and night flirted sexted or what not.. We tried to get together both of our schedule was hectic.. We talked about both of us not wanting anything just to have fun. I told him I haven’t had sex in years n I told him the reason.. He then said hey if u want a friend who hang out eat watch movies I’m ur dude n I said perfect that’s what I want.. So anyway we finally got together he grabbed me n kissed me n went home I texted him n said I had fun he said me too then we hang out again he came over I cooked he cleaned we watched movies made out then went to a hockey game we went back home we made out n we had sex.. Then we cuddled for a bit then he got up n started telling me he doesn’t do occasion sex doesn’t do friends with benefits he basically started to pulling rules.. Like he was scared or something I told him r h scared to get attached he’s like no I’m worried ur gonna get attached then he’s like well still hang out so we made plans so that day came he canceled on me.. We texted but he would give me one word answer.. Then I told him I wanna hook up again he writes me n says I like u a lot as a friend but I don’t want to continue our relationship romantically u didn’t do anything wrong in just in a place where j want a gf or friends with benefits or anything like that.. He went one kept saying we should strictly be friends so after the I acted like we were friends he would ignore me.. What the hell happened? What changed? Since it was romantic? Did we play house? We did acted like we were couPle we were caressing each other leaning on him kissing my forehead.. What can I do? I really like him I don’t want to loose him? Cuz from the time we started talking he really didn’t care about sex he said to me he wanted to get to know me.. He’s a nice sweet guy.. He helped me clean he sat watched a movie didn’t do anything he was a gentle man he even told me if u don’t want to we don’t have to have sex.. So did he get scared or anything.. Please help

Reply December 26, 2015, 12:14 pm


what should we do then? because i’ve read in other articles that guys classify us as a one night stand girl if we have sex too soon. In my case i don’t want to have sex till i am sure the guy loves me, not because i’m using sex as an asset but becausem i would feel horrible if i have sex with someone that just wanned me for sex and lied to me.

Reply December 14, 2015, 3:04 am


Hi Eric,

Why do you always suggest girls to play it cool when guys are withdrawing ? From a girls point of view, we become very attached and want to be held comforted assured after we have opened up emotionally to a guy. So it is natural for us to feel the insecurity when they withdraw. The thing is even we cannot control the anxiety of being left alone and act cool in front of them when u all want is to hug him and feel his warmth around you. I mean they don’t even need to speak but just that silence is enough sometimes when held closely. Why can’t guys relate to that ? Don’t they realize that her girl is feeling exposed and she needs to be protected ?

Reply October 12, 2015, 12:29 am

Eric Charles

I suggest it because it will lead to the result that woman actually wants.

Your insecurities are not other people’s problems.

This isn’t a “men don’t understand” issue. This is a “you need to take personal responsibility for your emotions” issue.

I don’t mean to sound harsh… my bluntness is to make the point clearly here so that you can have a great love life.

When you don’t seek a man to “make you happy” or “make you feel secure”, then you will magnetize people to you (instead of repel them).

Nobody, man or woman, wants to bring people into their life who adds to their burden of living…

Reply October 12, 2015, 12:48 am


Actually, this is very true. Self love, self care . Love that we seek from someone else should be within is us. People treat us the way we allow them . If you don’t love yourself , no one will.
I don’t want to sound ,, know it all,, , because learning same lesson as go .
Thank you for good advice.

Reply December 5, 2015, 2:44 pm


Hit on the mark when you said girls shouldn’t look at sex as their only asset. We’re taught to see ourselves as a prize worth earning, but many women internalize that as meaning their bodies. I had a friend who was talking to this guy and at some point down the line he wanted to have sex with her. She told him that she would absolutely not have sex with him until they were in an exclusive relationship.She still did other things like visit him at his house and watch movies with him. She would still sleep at his house sometimes. This went on for about a year she said. She knew he was talking to other women and sleeping with them, but they weren’t exclusive. She kept demanding that she would not have sex with him until she was his girlfriend. So, one day after about a year he asked her to be his girlfriend. They had sex like the next day. The day after they had sex he called her saying “I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship, I’m not ready”. He scammed her. She was called me crying and distraught. The next day he told her that he still wanted to be with her but not in a relationship. He ended up stringing her a long for 3 years without ever actually getting back in an exclusive relationship. The sex was good and she really liked him so she stayed. He turned out to be the most disrespectful man ever and he was abusive as well. He would give her clear cut reasons as to why she wasnt good enough to be his girlfriend or how he wasn’t ready, but she still cooked, did his laundry, and had sex with him in college. She had the idea that withholding sex would lead to him respecting her in the long run. She forgot to withhold all the other benefits that come with having a girlfriend. She sent the signal that all it took for him to get the sex was saying “Be my girlfriend” or “I love you”

Reply October 2, 2015, 10:14 am


Omg this so me and what I’m facing right now I’m so shock every thing every thing is what happened wow

Reply September 7, 2015, 8:39 pm


omg!!!i should have read your article long time ago.. Really help me to control my emotion (indirectly)..tq tq and tq for your superb advice

Reply August 30, 2015, 3:15 am


Eric, does this apply to men in an affair, too? Do you think men in an affair with a woman automatically loses respect for the woman and withdraws? I ask this here in your blog because I find you as an honest, respectful, and realistic man blogger. 🙂

Reply August 25, 2015, 8:03 pm

Eric Charles

Thank you. Honestly, if a guy is having an affair with a woman (as in he’s married or in a relationship but also having some relationships or sex outside of his marriage/relationship), I would be more likely to think his withdrawal would much more likely be caused by his own internal conflicts (fear of getting caught, guilt, shock that he’s actually cheating, sadness about his life situation, regret that he’s broken his vows, etc.)

It could be any number of things, I just don’t think it’s about him not respecting the woman because she went along with being in an affair with him (if anything, the only one he may have lost respect for would be himself)…

Now on the flip side, if there was a woman that was in a relationship/marriage and she was the one who cheated (and then the guy withdrew after that)… I don’t know… I still don’t think it would be because he lost respect… it might be more about him not wanting to get mixed up into drama if her husband/boyfriend finds out.

Reply August 25, 2015, 8:24 pm


Thanks for that perspective, Eric! More power to you. 🙂

Reply August 30, 2015, 3:17 pm


I’m in an affair like situation now. He withdraws every time (sex or just hanging out) but keeps inviting me back….I get so confused and feel like he regrets seeing me by the look on his face.

Reply September 25, 2015, 6:41 am

Eric Charles

When it comes to questions about affairs, you can safely assume that any weirdness from a guy is due to his own internal issues about breaking his integrity… Just because a guy has an affair (or gets with a woman who’s married/in a relationship) doesn’t mean he’s not heavily internally conflicted about the whole thing…

People do things they’re internally conflicted about all the time… a person who’s trying to lose weight ends up eating a pint of ice cream and then feels horrible about what they did… or someone who’s in a bad mood yells at their loved ones and then regrets it…

We’re human… while we might take one action on the outside, we might be heavily conflicted inside. Thing is, *you* can’t do anything about someone else’s internal conflict.

Let it be… give them space to be human… everyone (including you and me) needs to sort out their internal world… nobody can do it for someone else.

So being that you can’t control it or resolve it for him… let it be and get good at accepting him for being human. It has nothing to do with you.

Reply September 25, 2015, 11:44 am


Are you a lesbian? The third date mandatory sex screams not is alright with person giving advice. Yes we all fall into certain pitfalls, not everybody wants to cuddle after coupling, even with the perfect mate. A quote from my girlfriend ” We just spent 45 mins of quality time. Go away.”.

Reply July 17, 2015, 6:05 pm


No… you are just bad at reading and comprehenaion. Eric is making fun of the idea of mandatory sex on date #3 as one of the many stupid ideas from the book, The Rules. You just misunderstood.

Reply July 17, 2015, 8:10 pm


My boyfriend is in Iraq he keeps asking me to send him something that will remind him of me and that smells like me. I have no idea what to send to him. Any opinions?

Reply June 4, 2015, 6:28 pm


This really makes sense. Thanks!

Reply May 12, 2015, 2:15 pm


Thank you for your honest advice. I am feeling hurt but that’s the way it goes. Truth hurts, but it is best.

Reply March 31, 2015, 11:29 am

Latifa Said

It hurts so much for same one you love the most but never mind I’m also in bad stuff

Reply June 25, 2016, 9:59 am


How come all your articles, you aren’t pointing out or discussing what to say and how to verbally deal with it?! I’m running circles around your advice, but you aren’t fully making it capable for us women to solve our issues. Hm? Giving examples and perhaps, stuff we can say during an unpredictable
Moment of having feelings, it would make sh*t so much easier to follow! I’m just saying……

Reply March 27, 2015, 8:21 am


Eric, you helped me so much. Because of you my life changed for the better. Thank you so much, I really appreciate you <3

Reply March 26, 2015, 3:23 pm

Eric Charles

Glad to hear it, you’re welcome.

Reply March 26, 2015, 3:53 pm


I am over 45 and back to dating. What I don’t agree with is the fact that when a man meet and starts dating a woman, the woman does not know his true intention. A lot of men only want sex and will treat the woman very nice for a few dates until they get sex and leave. How the woman acts, how pretty she is, what she has to offer has no bearing at all on the situation because the man already has his mind made up to play her for a fool and use hr for sex then dump her, pretty heartless. These men should go pickup a woman at a bar or a hooker and leave the good girls who want a real lasting relationship alone. There are many men on dating sites I would say 90% of the men do this. Its like pretending to buy a car and acting interested when all you want is to drive it once and you have no intentions on buying it at al and you lie to the saleman. Also tell me this, how would the man know about all the other wonderful traits this woman has that would endure her to him if he only goes on two dates that last 1 hour each? Falling in love comes with trust and knowing a person for a minimum of 6 weeks, not 2 hours! Its scientifically proven! My first husband we were friends for 6 weeks then fell in love….love does not happen in 2 hours…..

Reply November 12, 2015, 8:09 am


I totally agree with you, why don’t these men just go to bars? Or a sex hookup site. They prey on nice women on dating sites, it’s sick. It had happened to me before.

Reply January 6, 2016, 5:05 pm


Need some advise… i went out with this nice guy, we had 3 dates, last date end up having sex, which i don’t normally do, but because we had such a great connection, I decided to go with the flow.. I left his place without making any plans, thinking we’ll make plans later. The next day I haven’t hear from him all day, I waited until 7 pm and text him a quick “hello”, he text right back, without making any plans. a week has past by with him texting me once or twice each day, asking how are you and any plans for the weekend. So now I get it, he’s just not that into me, and I thought we had more connection then he did. My question is, why does he bother to text me at all? I want closure, so should i just text him and tell him “you don’t need to be polite and text me, I’m a big girl, sometimes things work out, sometime it doesn’t but we had fun while it lasted. I wish you all the best.” ?

Reply March 21, 2015, 8:08 am

S Anon

Your choice, but I’d be insulted after I just gave myself to that man, but hey I like your take in life. It’s very casual… did you at least use a condom or get the plan B pill? You know it only takes once…

Reply August 15, 2015, 12:44 am


he only wanted sex, you did nothing wrong. I had a man just do the same thing to me. I am still hurting over it its been 6 weeks now. These men are hurting nice girls they should pick up a girl on the street or go to a bar…

Reply November 12, 2015, 8:15 am


I am in desperate need of advice. I am divorced for three years. And I just started to date recently. Even though I’m a grown woman I find dating to be both fun and disappointing. I met someone online and we went on three really fun dates. The 4th date was a lot of fun as well. I cooked this man dinner and he stayed over my house. He has been a gentleman, complementary, opens the car door for me when were out an all-around nice guy. Neither one of us are dating other people. So after our fourth date he has gotten very distant. I have done so much reading prior to me even dating this man that I know that pulling away is an uncommon. I’ve given him his space, haven’t asked to many questions, welcome his phone calls etc. A week after our last date was Valentine’s Day and we had texted early in The morning. I said happy Valentines Day to him, and he texted back ,same to you !!!even though I was a little taken back by it I went with it and didn’t make a big deal out of it. We both have very full lives we both have children. And he’s had a lot of things to deal with last month or so. So finally after three weeks of this going on with him being distant I sent him a text. And all I said was maybe we have reached across road, maybe he feels like we’re not a good match after all and I said I understand that I can’t force him to have feelings for me. He texted back and said he has a lot going on. His daughter wasn’t feeling good that day and I said I understand that he has a lot going on and that I will be here if you ever needed anything. He still texts me here and there but it’s very platonic. I do notunderstand what happened to us. I can honestly say that I am devastated. I didn’t see any sign of anything wrong the morning he left my house. I am trying my hardest to believe he didn’t just want sex. Although something inside of me is telling me that’s really what he wanted. The feeling of rejection is so painful especially of her going through a divorce. So, how do I take it from here? I am trying to not take his personal, but it’s very difficult. Any advice mean the world to me.

Reply February 28, 2015, 5:30 pm


this man Eric blames women for anything bad a man did to them, no matter how bad.
get a brain and stop listening to this sexist.

Reply February 22, 2015, 1:27 pm

Eric Charles

Cupcake / Adela — you made 3 posts last night (Saturday night) and 4 more this morning…

Listen: I’m sympathetic to anyone who’s upset… to a point. You’re coming in here and spitting venom and foul language without provocation. I don’t know who hurt you or what painful memories you’re hanging onto and viewing the world through… but I’m not responsible for any of that. Keep yourself in check.

Now, my guess is that you’re not going to read a word I typed anyway, so I’m really writing this for the benefit of anyone else that might think that anything I’ve ever written is sexist or excuses men of responsibility…

Here’s a few facts:
– it takes two to tango: If you’re in a relationship, you’re *participating* in a relationship. You don’t have a gun to your head. You have a choice — there might be other factors that make it a difficult choice, but it’s still a choice.
– so if you’re *choosing* to be in a relationship, then you have a share of the responsibility for how it turns out. What part of the responsibility? The part that you have control over: your emotions, your perspectives, your attitudes, your reactions/responses, your mood, etc. That’s your responsibility.
– equally important: he is responsible for his emotions, perspectives, attitudes, reactions/responses, moods, etc. You can’t control that, so there’s no use in me talking as if you have control over any of the stuff he’s responsible for.
– moreover, it would be even more useless to place blame or shame on him. I’m not saying that you deserve bad treatment (if he’s treating you bad) or to just accept whatever he gives you (if he’s incapable of giving you what you want). I’m saying that blaming and shaming is useless because it doesn’t produce any positive result (it will drive him away… so that’s a result… but not a positive one). Oh, and that reminds me of the first thing I said: You’re choosing to be in the relationship with him every day that you are in it.
– So being that you’re choosing to be there… and you’re only responsible for what you can control… and you can’t control him… *and* you want to have the best, most loving, most committed, most awesome relationship possible… why would I write about anything other than how to make effective choices that will get you the result you want? Why would I write about anything else if my interest is to help women get great results?
– there is nothing sexist about that. I don’t place blame on men or women… I place *focus* on what will lead to get effective results. You don’t think that when I’m instructing men I don’t tell them the very same thing — that they need to take control over what they are responsible for and do the best they can to get the effective results they want?

If you want to spout off angry messages about how you hate men, how men are scum, how you’re giving up on relationships, how women are victims, etc. then go for it… but not here. This website is for women who want to have great relationships with men.

Reply February 22, 2015, 2:04 pm


let me sum up your article for you and for the poor desperate humiliated women that read this web-site : if you would have been more arttractive he would have not had to lie to get sex.
you are teaching women it is ok for men to take advantage of them.
you could have chosen to teach her to try and find someone decent but you didn’t
yea you are a sexist..

Reply February 24, 2015, 6:28 am

Eric Charles

Thanks for your opinion. Good luck.

Reply February 24, 2015, 1:22 pm


To tie it up: your frequency of texting doesn’t matter if you’re truly not needy. And if you are needy, he’ll pick up on it sooner or later – no amount of texting rules will hide it. –

I am sorry but that is bullsh*t, especially if the guy does not text for a week… it shows he is not interested!!! This things mean something.

Reply February 21, 2015, 8:07 pm

Eric Charles

You’re talking about something completely different than what I’m saying in this article.

I’m talking about the quality of connection being what’s important (instead of obsessing over how often she should text, when to text, whether or not to text, etc.)

Your example would indicate he doesn’t care all that much (if at all)… but it has nothing to do with what I was saying in the context of the article or even the snippet you pasted in.

Reply February 21, 2015, 8:24 pm


I find your website really useful and helping me understand love and relationship better.

I’m currently facing a relationship issue and would like to seek your advice if I may.

I have a boyfriend for nearly 3 years now. Around 6 mths we are together, I found him contacting his ex who calls him “bunny”. She calls him “bunny” when they dated in the past. I reacted and showed all my emotions and did not catch them contacting untill recently, I saw the message and his ex ended with an emoticon “kiss” face. I showed my emotions again.

The next day I calmed down and asked him for a talk. When we talked I asked questions like if he would be back with his ex. He replied that he don’t know and changed his answer to a “no” immediately. I asked the question again and he said “nobody can predict the future”. He also admitted being in contact with his ex and found nothing wrong with her calling him “bunny” or giving the emoticon “kiss” face as he claims they’re just normal friends. He also said nothing can break their friendship apart and said this is something I have to live with it.

He wanted to take a break to think through things as he said he is confused and asked me not to ask him any questions.

I’m not sure if this means our relationship would end? Or he still likes his ex? And if I should be “living with it” that he is in contact with his ex though my heart can’t pass this test to see him contacting his ex, especially without me in the know. I have the urge to contact him and I am not sure if I should during this take a break period? What do you see from this whole situation and what do you advice me to do? I’m fighting with my urge and been thinking about what’s happening all these while.

He texted me before for his hometown and texted when he landed. That’s about it and we didn’t message anymore. It’s the second day now.

Reply February 20, 2015, 3:22 am


I have been dating a guy for 2 years and 4 months. for the first year we never had sex. but after that we did for about one year. he showed so much love to me i felt so loved until one day i found out he had anpther lover. then after that he left her and we talked about it and it all ended.after which we got back together and so happy. but one day out of nowhere after i had visited himand we had such fun i knew everything was okay. he sent me a text “lets break up okay!” i was shocked so i called him but he didnt respond.after which he just went. it really hurt me. someone i loved so much. then one day he calls to tell me He is broke and he wants us to talk. of which we talk then after one week again he dumps me. am so hurt and i really feel like i want to really hate him with my all.

Reply February 4, 2015, 10:00 pm


if a guy is feeling that she wants a relationship and he pulls her away it is because he DOESN’T WANT a relationship. What does it mean? that guy is not for you because you don`t want the same. I mean, if he was treating like you are special and he says he really likes you, I think he’s faking it when he doesn’t want a special girl in his life but plenty of them in his bed. It¡s not a woman’s fault that there are men who fake in order to get what they want. There are some who know that it’s easier to score women by being dishonest or unclear, letting her think that he wouldn’t mind to have a committed relationship but once he got what he wanted he withdraws. It doesn’t matter you act needy or not, he just simply doesn’t care anymore. Thing is it’s really difficult to tell if he’s being that nice and sweet and open with you because he really likes you or because he just wants sex. I don’t mind he just wants sex but then he should be more clear about that aspect because it can hurt badly the other person and I want to have the option to decide if that’s what I want too or not. (they can even open their hearts at first and then change their minds completely after it).

Reply February 3, 2015, 1:18 pm


I completely agree with what you are saying. Sometimes it feels like once we give it up to them, we lose any and all control and have to wait and see if they text or call us.. And to be honest with you, at some point they probably will because they still want something from us. I think if it’s clear he does want a relationship he will just treat you better generally. But the signs are not always clear or we always hold out hope 🙂

I recently have been hanging out with a guy who has been trying to hook up with me. I didn’t. Then he told me on the phone one night “I just want you to know that if we ever did have sex, that I wouldn’t have sex with other girls” even that itself can be confusing.. Then he said “part of me feels bad because I do really respect you and think you’re a good person” ok so it’s clear then that you’re not looking for anything more than a hook up? And he says “no I def am” bull****.. I finally kissed him and did some other things (no sex) and we barely talk anymore.. It makes ME feel like I’m the one that made a mistake.. But we women have rights too and just because we choose to finally give in to you and also what we like, we shouldn’t just be at your wim or disposal.. 🙂

Reply August 23, 2015, 10:44 pm


Sometimes men are just jerks. I met a guy. He called, he texted, and seemed to really like me. When we went out, he was a perfect gentleman. He opened the car and restaurant doors for me, he offered me his jacket when it got cold, he even held my hand as we walked. He told me all this stuff about how his goal was to make me laugh and how he wanted to be with me and every other sweet, yet very realistic, thing a man could say. Then we had sex. Then the next day, nothing. Then the next day, nothing. So I casually reached out to him. Nothing. And there’s been nothing ever since. So he’s a jerk. Or dead. But I hope he’s just a jerk.

It could have been the sex, but I whipped out my best moves for this guy, and I’ve never had complaints before. Meh. For better or for worse, at least I got a decent lay and a few weeks of romance out of it.

Reply January 12, 2015, 4:34 pm


It’s totally not your fault.. I think like we all say above, men are faking it because they don’t want US per say, they just want something from us.. And they make it impossible sometimes to know what they really want.. I agree honesty is the best policy… You should at least have the balls to tell someone how you feel afterwards.. He totally gave you the impression that he liked you and then was a complete jerk.. So screw Him and I’m with ya girlie 🙂

Reply August 23, 2015, 10:48 pm


Ah! I could so relate to this..just that the guy whom I slept with did not completely cut me off..but jus texts occasionally in a cold way..may be keeping me as a back up if he wants more sex later…the sad part is I actually kinda liked this guy..huff..

Reply September 27, 2015, 10:54 am


I’ve been dating a man for almost 2 years now he lives 30 miles away when we get together we have the greatest time we are in the thirties and when we get together we act and feel like teenager he tells me how beautiful I am how much she loves my body how much he’s in love with me but has only spent the night with me once! says he really can’t spend the night because he has a teenage son at homehe says he doesn’t like to leave his son home alone overnight he cant spend holidays with me because of his son who is 17 years oldhe has his own company and works a lotI’m a working mother myself full time with two girls i have met his son only twice, i have never been to his house but always comes to mine, he never has his phone on him when I see him and if he does it’s always face down, says he put his phone on silent adding north it so he can enjoyed our time together, he doesn’t want his son home alone but will ignore his calls and texts!? he says I can’t go to his house because his ex and mother in law live on the first floor but have been separated for 5 years, wont call me while in the home, when I asked him about getting our kids together he says his a momma’s boy and doesn’t wait to shove me in his face cause me showing him affection upset his son, my boyfriend says he wants a future with me it doesn’t have me interact with his son at all, am I being played? ??

Reply January 10, 2015, 8:59 am


i just wanna know whats the different between having sex and making love

Reply December 1, 2014, 2:23 pm


Men honestly make me sick. If you only want sex, get a prostitute or even better, jerk off. F.cking nasty predators. I hope that “perfect Goddess on Earth” gives them AIDS. monsters. I’m sick of “men”. Why cant they have sexual morals? Why do they rape physically and emotionally?

Reply November 8, 2014, 4:48 pm


Lol who hurt you?

Reply December 21, 2014, 10:18 am

Sue Anon

Nothing funny about that Lol. She is hurt how dare you!

Reply August 15, 2015, 12:46 am


Because they can dear 🙂 . men are just just lying pig shit . they take advantage of a dozen women then they maybe think about settling down with one.

Reply February 21, 2015, 8:10 pm

Eric Charles

Listen… I can understand being upset…

But holding hostile attitudes towards men is only going to lead to further pain…

For your own good, ask yourself this question, “If a man wrote that women made him sick… that he hopes that she gets an STD… that he’s sick of women and that women are all evil abusers… would you want anything to do with that guy?”

And no… I don’t want to hear some justification why this somehow doesn’t apply to you because you’re a woman and women are the victims and men are evil, blah blah blah… just answer the question… would you want to be anywhere near a guy like that?

Any woman would say, “Absolutely not.” And same goes for a woman that has hostile, hateful or angry feelings towards men…

The good guys will stay as far from you as possible and the bad guys won’t care about your negative attitude because they wouldn’t care regardless of what your feelings are… in fact, they might even find it funny and toy with you… which would further perpetuate your anger/bitterness/hate, etc.

Again, I understand being angry… but I’m trying to show you that if you can let go of all that and just find happiness in your own life… you will cut a very toxic cycle. I’m not even saying get into a relationship or be happy with a man… I’m simply saying dump the negativity so you can create an opening for goodness to come into your life.

End of my PSA.

Reply February 21, 2015, 8:32 pm


XD women are gonna find out soon that you are such bullsh*t.
the only reason why women end up in this kind of situation is because men were lying and deceitful in the 1st place 🙂 , trying to get a woman to have sex and than ignore her, nevermind the I love yous, the respect and whatever.
the beautiful part is that all men blame women for this 😀 :D!!! than go and lie some more!
the world is beginning to notice exactly what you pieces of sh*tt are and soon you will have to pay for sex :D, there is no doubt in my mind xD, maybe you will even believe that we love you

Reply February 22, 2015, 1:10 pm

Eric Charles

Why are you here then?

Read your comment… did you have any reason for posting that other than to pick a fight and spew your bitterness, anger and negative energy into this page?

Wake up… you’re drinking poison (metaphorically) and you don’t even realize you’re addicted to it… you’re trying to rile up other angry women to agree with you or other people who disagree with you to fight with you… why? What is it inside you that’s compelling you to feed off of negativity?

I’m telling you… and I’m seriously doing my best to be compassionate here… do yourself a favor and cut the cycle… you might not realize how much feeding into negativity drives people away… it seeps into your pores and becomes like an aura around you that repels people…

And for what? I don’t believe you want that — I have to imagine that deep down… if you’re really honest with yourself… if you really think about it… you’d really like to be loved, accepted, wanted, desired, etc. Everyone does.

The hostility is driving people away and keeping you from even having an opening for that… drop the unconscious compulsion to pick fights and stir up negativity… it’s only hurting you and blocking your happiness. Good luck.

February 22, 2015, 2:13 pm


Cupcake, I must agree with what this author is saying regarding having negative viewpoints about men. You will only attract the shady ones, as healthy men can sense it and will run away. Have you ever heard of the confirmation bias? It’s natural for people to seek out information that confirms what they already believe in while ignoring information that goes against one’s beliefs, even if contrary evidence is strong. Have you ever challenged your beliefs? Have you ever asked yourself what you’re doing to attract unhealthy people into your life? After all, the common denominator in all your relationships is you. Until you take the time to examine patterns within your relationships and work on yourself, you’ll continue to attract unhealthy people.

I was once in a very abusive relationship. The man I was with was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He had strong, negative, beliefs about women. Despite being faithful and trying to love this man, he was too damaged inside to accept love from another person. I quit school due to his extreme jealousy and constant accusations when I should have quit him. It took three years before I was strong enough to leave him, despite the repeated abuse… It was his negative beliefs about women that destroyed the relationship ultimately. No matter what I said or did, it didn’t matter. He didn’t believe he was good enough to be loved by someone. Despite it all, I feel sorry for him because he can’t change and he’ll continue creating his own unhappiness.

After leaving him, I spent many months blaming him for everything that he did to me and feeling sorry for myself. It took some time, but I finally had to accept some of the responsibility instead of remaining the victim… The only reason he treated me the way he did was because I ALLOWED him to. We teach people how to treat us, which is one of the most valuable things I’ve learned in life.

It took a year of inner work, but it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I learned how to quit repeating negative relationship patterns. Most importantly, I learned to love myself first. Now, I’m in a happy relationship and graduated with my BA in psychology last December.

I hope that you can find some inner healing Cupcake, my heart goes out to you.

March 5, 2015, 7:57 pm

Sue Anon

I don’t hate all men but men should NOT use women or lead them on and hopefully women will see that instead of being desparate and open their legs for the so called jerk.

Reply August 15, 2015, 12:49 am


I have to say my guy has been upfront with me no strings attached . I don’t listen. He knows I have feelings . He is my best friend and I ended up and still am his rebound girl. No feelings . Was with him last night were together it’s the best it’s the afterwards . I told him that I hate the feeling being used. You can’t blame all men us women don’t listen. My heart is caught . I was in a 20 year marriage not even 40 yet was a teen mom and for the first time I fell in love . When you 15 you just don’t know. I feel it now and heartbroken he’s tried I tried because we’re friends and I can’t go back to being friends I’m screwed.It’s us women get caught up in the fairy tales.Best of luck to everyone I don’t have advice if I can’t solve mine.

Reply September 29, 2015, 11:32 pm


Oh, it’s HER fault that her male friend was rude, inconsiderate, and uncaring. He didn’t call because he got ALL that he was after and is a rude and selfish person. Period. Don’t put it on her. It’s his deficiency as a human being that led him to behave in the way he did.

Reply November 4, 2014, 2:04 pm


Sounds like somebody’s projector’s running. Your anger at whoever blew you off after you slept with them is showing. Far too many women place far, far too much focus on getting into a relationship with someone before they bother ever knowing who someone even is. And 99.9999% of the human race seems to have little to zero grasp that a relationship isn’t a ‘thing’ you can have, hold, or possess; it’s not a security blanket or a vehicle you get “in” and ride forever after.

A relationship by definition is an ongoing dynamic series of interaction with a person/thing. It’s a state of behavior so you have a relationship established by your second interaction. The relationship is the state of your interactions between one another…and if that sucks, the problem lies with you. YOU and only you are accountable for the quality of your relationships – the quality of your interactions with other people. Your relationship begins when you meet.

Ahh, poor masters of the universe…still can’t seem to figure out how people work.

Reply November 6, 2014, 10:44 am


While I agree that too many people–not just women–jump into relationships with partners they barely know, the OP *didn’t* just meet the guy in question. She said they knew each other for awhile before they started dating and had been dating for a month.

“A relationship by definition is an ongoing dynamic series of interaction with a person/thing”? Lol. Thank you, Professor Des. This is not an undergraduate communications course. However, if you’ve really taken one, you should know that, by definition, the fact that the relationship is a state of *interactions* means that there are two people involved, either of whom (or both) could be at fault if things go sour. Your sentence *should* read: “The relationship is the state of your interactions between one another…and if that sucks, the problem lies with you or the other person or both of you.” You are far too presumptuous in assuming where the breakdown was between these two people you know nothing about.

Reply November 6, 2014, 8:24 pm


yea, well you can get to know him if he is lying and deceitful ? I don’t think so .

Reply February 22, 2015, 1:41 pm

jyotish das

i love a girl..but she don’t love me because some years ago a guy had sex with her and left her…she totally broked. Please tell me how can i admit her that my love is not for sex..please help me.please

Reply October 14, 2014, 6:50 am

Sue Anon

Stick around and hang out/ go out with her on dates and be a gentleman. Respect her. Make her feel comfortable. Don’t have sex with her if she isn’t in the mood/into it. It’s all very simple, don’t make it so complicated. Care for her, I mean REALLY care for her as in support her goals and her dreams. Be nice and don’t be mean. Be there for her when she needs you. Things like that really..

Reply August 15, 2015, 12:53 am


this was the most useful information i’ve ever read

Reply October 9, 2014, 12:44 pm


The guy I was interested in went M.I.A (missing in action) right after we had sex, and that was about 2 weeks ago. However, (2 days after we had sex) I contacted him. I sent him one text… (on 2 different days), but he didn’t reply back so I deleted his number. Several days later, I decided to message him online. And yes, he responded; according to him, he was training (he’s a soldier) so that’s why he hasn’t contacted me. Then, he says, “I’d really like to see you again.” And also asked me, “do you still have my number?”, which I replied, “No… I reset my phone so I lost a lot of contacts.” (smh, don’t judge me. I know I lied, but I didn’t know what else to say). After several hours later, he still hadn’t replied back, so I sent another message, saying, “just let me know when you would like to meet again.” And left it at that.

After that, he went cold. He hasn’t said anything to me. So Friday, I asked him, “if he even had my number too?” He didn’t respond, so I have backed off… Completely! I haven’t contacted him in 4 days. Also, lol, I notice that the other day when I logged on, he quickly logged off as if he’s avoiding me. I rarely contacted him; I’ve only initiated contact 4 times in the last 2 weeks. And I haven’t message him since. Therefore, I don’t know how that’s considered clingy, needy, or desperate. But I guess… It just sucks.

Reply October 7, 2014, 5:47 pm


UPDATE: He texted me last week. I didn’t recognize the number because I deleted it. However, I haven’t heard from him since then. So I’m just keeping myself busy and talking to other guys. If he’s interested, he’ll contact me.

Reply October 16, 2014, 12:55 pm


What happened then ?!

Reply December 9, 2014, 11:02 am

Sue Anon

Forget him. If he was really interested, he wouldn’t have left you hanging that much. Seriously, what’s so hard about picking up a phone and dialing your number? Jesus! Also, trust your gut instinct, if you think he is trying to avoid you , then why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that? That’s really immature. Have some self respect and confront him what’s up, otherwise, just move on. No sense if vying for someone who doesn’t want you or is half assed (got one foot out the door).

Reply August 15, 2015, 1:00 am


My boyfriend loves to have sex and would love it everyday if he could, but I have just lost interest, mainly because my boyfriend only thinks of his own needs and doesn’t try to turn me on what so ever and that gets so frustrating. I have tried many times telling him that I cannot just get in the mood when he does nothing at all to try to get me in the mood. I feel that a lot of women love to be treated like a queen and if he would just put some effort into it, but he doesn’t and I do believe he is very selfish and only thinks of his own needs! I feel that he doesn’t find me beautiful and I don’t even feel that way about myself and that’s why he won’t do anything to try to get me in the mood. He just comes up to me when sometimes I’m just laying in bed and he just comes up to me and says, “do you want some? “And that is pretty much what our sex life is, so what is this saying to me? Has he lost complete interest in me? Do I just not turn him on so I am just there (for only him to have a piece of ass? I don’t know how to take this or what my boyfriend even wants from me. Does he want to end our relationship and wants another girl? (My boyfriend in the past has cheated on me and his other relationships as well.) Can someone please give me some advise? Thank you.

Reply August 8, 2014, 8:07 pm


He appears to be quite selfish and your question boils down to is it you or is it him?
In actuality, in spite of your attempts to express your feelings to him he continues to ignore it. If you’ve attempted to guide him toward your pleasure and he still ignores it, the problem is with him: he’s sexually immature and selfish, inexperienced and has no desire to improve himself, or he sees you as nothing more than a service station. You’re there to pump his ego and get him off, then he’s done. You didn’t mention whether this behavior carries over into other areas but I suspect it does.

Here’s the bottom line: this is your quality of life. You don’t get to change him. He’ll change when he’s been rejected enough or challenged enough that he realizes he has a problem with being a selfish jerk in bed. YOU cannot change him and nothing you say or do is going to change him. Your choice is to stay with this guy and accept this is how he is, who he is, and enjoy a lacking in quality sex life, or break things off and raise your own bar. You’re allowing this treatment by sticking around.

He clearly does not love you in any respect. He doesn’t appear to even respect you that much if you’re a service station for his ego and he’s getting sex elsewhere. There are over 7 billion people on this planet. Your world won’t end if you kick this one to the curb and look for better options.

Just know that if you stick around knowing he doesn’t actually love you and doesn’t actually respect you, then you deserve what you get from here 🙂

Reply August 9, 2014, 12:25 am


I don’t understand how you can be open like this and not be worried about std s and HIV, how do you not worry if the guys messing with others?

Reply June 24, 2014, 1:59 am

S Anon

Great question. Get your man tested before engaging. It’s not that bad. I don’t know about others but if he cares or doesn’t care, then that’s on him. Get to know him and maybe use a condom if possible. Prevents pregnnacy too. If he likes you, I don’t think that’s too much demand. It’s your health right and you care about your health right? So just don’t engage and stick to outercourse or things that will not lead to sex (like holding hands, hugging, kissing on the cheeks/closed mouth kssing). GET TO KNOW THE GUY. Ask questions. You will not regret

Reply August 15, 2015, 1:05 am


Can anybody please tell me your thoughts on this because it really is frustrating me! I work in the same place with this extremely good looking guy he is 33 he has a son and I am 20 he is very sweet,nice, friendly,we laugh a lot, always makes eye contact when we talk and initiates the conversation with me,he never fails to stop by to talk to me even if its a for a little and he compliments me sometimes…later on he smiles while I talk to him and he grabs my chin really soft…he has always told me that he respects me so much and if he ever needed anything or even talk I could always go to him not to be scared he will always be there for me..,so I had a bf and we broke up I was sad and turned to him and he said he appreciated a lot that I trust him and he will help me in any way he can to help me feel better…so he would invite me to lunch to give me advice etc and he would pay he would come pick me up and take me back he was super sweet! He told me he wanted to go to the beach at night just to walk together etc Well he then invited me to his house to watch movies and I said yes 🙁 so one thing lead to he other and we ended up having sex even in bed he was so sweeeet he even would kiss my head and forehead and hug me very tight he told me he had always liked me but he wouldnt tell me because he thought I was happy with my ex and told me he wants me and I was the one for him and keep laughing with me and being super cute all the time…he would send me pictures on the phone of things he saw that would remind him of me and buy me some desserts…so everything seemed like he really liked me! Well we had sex again at his house and after that he only texted one time saying he wanted to go to the beach with me and his family after that he didn’t text me or call me anymore… He would text me every morning too… I haven’t texted him or called him at all because I don’t want to be clingy or bother him, I play it cool like it doesn’t bother me…I feel like he pulled back because the ceased everything now he just says hi laughs with me about whatever and that’s it just at work…he is distant now and I feel like I was used for sex I did a mistake to do it to fast with him…he knows he is the second guy I have sex with too…I really fell for him but I’m trying to ignore him and just talk when he talks to me (always done that) I am not bad looking at all..I could say more than half the guys at work want to be with me but I ignore everyone I dont even flirt I’m just very nice and everyone tells me I am very innocent and they like that about me a lot..this guy told me everyone from his dept wishes for my attention and other guys as well I know its true lol I’m not cocky and I dont come off as a bit*h who thinks she’s all that… Im probably the nicest person at work! …could it be he never cared and all he wanted was sex? He is not married also and he is not he type of guy to ell everyone what happened between us I can assure you that. I really miss him and want a relationship with him:( I feel so stupid for having sex w him cause after that he changed…he still is very nice but thats it..what are your thoughts??? I decided to tell him when I see him that I don’t want to have sex anymore…I’m not that kind of person to have sex too soon with someone I’m not in a relationship with and keep playing it cool…I’m not gonna chase him also…do u think he will want me? See that I’m different from other girls…idk maybe he will want to get my attention back ? Inside I’m very sad…

Reply June 8, 2014, 11:21 am


What exactly are you bringing to the table? You basically said he’s bent over backwards to be with you and text you all the time and you didn’t text him because you don’t want to appear clingy? Seriously? Participating in the relationship is the only way it’ll move. You’re trying too hard to keep from being seen as clingy to the point he’s the only one in the relationship. The last thing you are is clingy. And he’s probably figuring out you’re not bringing anything to the table, he’s doing all the work, you act like a coy introverted nice girl and not giving anything back.

He probably thinks he’s giving more than you are and is pulling back and pretty soon he will feel hurt and frustrated that you turned out to be a complete waste of time.

If you don’t want to see him wave to you from a distance you better step up and start actually participating, putting in something, giving back…which isn’t chasing him, it’s being IN the relationship. You want him to do everything and when he gets tired of it, you can’t understand the problem. That’s your problem. It’s one sided and he’ll get fed up and go find someone who shows she wants to be with him, hang out with him, hook up with him, likes his company, and is an active participant.

Reply August 9, 2014, 12:35 am


I think Eric has not actually answered her question. She seems confused as to the right time to communicate with the guy after he’s withdrawn after sex. I find it strange that a guy should withdraw after sex as it usually makes the couple feel closer. Withdrawal may be a psychological sign: guilt – he may feel guilty afterwards because of a situation he has not told her about or because he is wronging someone else; or it could be plain selfishness – i got what i want and now i need to focus on other things in my life. Then we he needs a ‘refill’ he’ll return and withdraw again.
I think when a guy acts in this manner, it means that there is something wrong in the relationship and therefore the girl should reconsider this relationship if she would like it to be more than a sexual relationship – it probably will not be. If she is happy to have him as a sex buddy, then it’s ok.
This has nothing to do about the ‘space’ one gives a guy after he withdraws after he’s had sex. No woman should put up with this unless it is what she wants (i doubt how many women really want or accept this behaviour).

Reply June 2, 2014, 2:58 am


This is the first site that I’ve come across that makes sense and is very helpful. Keep up the good work. Thank you so much to the both of you!

Reply May 8, 2014, 6:55 pm


I have a little issue with this article. Eric said

“When I talk about giving a guy space, I’m talking about giving him psychological space. A lot of other dating advice writers like to talk about waiting X number of days or holding out to make him text/call you first. The fact is – if you’re needy and obsessing over him and your relationship with him, he’ll still feel it… even if you’re not calling or texting during that time. He’ll know – guys have a very good sense of it”.

The lady’s problem is asking ways in how to communicate with him that doesn’t sound needy. She doesn’t sound desperate and needy at all in her questions. She has stated that she has given him space, no texts no calls and emails etc. but Eric’s advice above states IF. What about how to communicate with him so that he doesn’t withdraw? What about communicating with him that will make him change for both their sake in the relationship without acting needy. What does he mean by acting needy and desperate? I mean just because a woman talks about her relationship with her boyfriend, it doesn’t mean she’s needy and desperate, it just means she wants him to be a keeper and step up and be a mature man. If not, that’s tough for him.

I don’t think you should blame her for being childish because every woman has different experience with a guy and every guy will act differently towards a woman. All she has to do is talk “it seems like we have a good time together but I just want us to slow down on the sex right now because I like it when we’re like this without the sex at the moment, how do you feel about that?”. This is what Eric needs to point out in his article.

He also assumes she’s going to act needy because she’s the woman “if he’s picking up neediness, from you then the damage was already done. Contacting won’t change it.” – Not all women are needy and not all women will push a guy to be with them if they
don’t want to – women can also be strong-willed too. Every guy is different, could he be one of the minority of men who will change regardless of whether she contacts him? All THEY have to do is make the relationship work without sex. He will have to change his behavior FOR her once she communicates what she wants. So if a man won’t change for you why should you change for him. Do you think that by no calls, texts, e-mails etc. will make a man stay with you? You’re basically changing your behavior for the guy. DON’T! Keep in contact with him like you do otherwise and lessen the sex so BOTH of you change for BOTH your relationship’s sake. Men should also change and respect her wishes if he really really cares for her to withhold sex for awhile. No texts, no e-mails and more IGNORING is going to ever work if there’s no communication.

What if the woman in writing did everything in her power to make him stay, but he still withdraws? Telling women to stop being obsessive and needy is unfair. What if the woman did everything in her power to make him stay and he still didn’t act on it, what if she made the changes their men have requested from them with a positive attitude and received no help back from their partner or their partner has refused to work on his end of things? Suggesting that women should just give up if they have a positive attitude and their man doesn’t change just perpetuates and kind of pardons that behavior in a guy (this isn’t to say I advocate staying in a relationship where your partner does nothing for you despite your best efforts). He doesn’t really give any real suggestions to improve communication between partners (regardless of sex) so that maybe the offending partner doesn’t view a request for change as a personal attack. He only suggests be positive and if that doesn’t fix everything, oh well, just forget it.

Reply March 31, 2014, 3:12 pm


Sorry, I dislike most of Eric Charles’advice because it always tells the woman what she is doing wrong… the right man will like you flaws and all… and if you can find a single man in today’s society who is not a egocentric dolt or narcissist stuck in cave man days, God bless you! The only way women will dig their way out of our male centered society and is to not succumb to their power trips and so called advice that is meant to keep you in your place… do you what you want ladies! And don’t try to let any man tell you you are wrong for being who you are!

Reply October 31, 2012, 2:58 pm


Agreed overall, but if you’ve read through some of these questions, you’ll see that women are going about things all wrong, assigning some sort of intrinsic value to their vaginas to use as a negotiation tool to snare a guy on a longer term basis, or being all around psycho neurotic – vandalizing some guy’s property because she can’t make him love her, or invading his privacy because she’s an insecure, paranoid idiot, or playing head games.

A secure, confident woman can get a guy’s attention, flaws and all, but when a woman isn’t bringing anything to the table but neurotic nutjob drama, and a guy isn’t impressed, the problem lies with her – and only her.

Reply November 1, 2012, 3:35 am


The men are doing it with their hearts. They strini women alone, making the women feel like they got to do everything to be the woman of every man’s dreams before he will even allow himself to be emotionally involved in his heart. Alot times when they back off after sex it’s because they are working on keeping emotionally detached and keeping their heart out of it. Again treating their children heart like it’s a prize to be won. Instead of their entire being (body to). Now it’s only right for women to treat their body like it’s a prize to be won to. Guys know women are after their heart and women know Alot of guys are after their body, so that is why they both are doing that. How women often do it because guys gave used their body and threw away. But guys will do it with their heart before a woman has used it and threw away. Which leads me to believe Alot of men think they are can just have anything of a women and they can pick and choose what not to give bsck in return. Because these games, this is why people need to just reserve sex for marriage. Because then if they mistreat u and use u, u can divorce them and they got to answer to the law about it.

Reply December 4, 2014, 11:03 am


so it was ok to lie to her to just get her into bed ?

Reply February 22, 2015, 1:25 pm


The reason his advice tells women what they are doing wrong is because his advice is for women. Most dating gurus take this approach. In this case, it makes sense since the women are the ones asking, not the men and they CAN’T “change” the guy they’re dealing with. They can only change their own actions and do what may make a better outcome. People always wait for others to change when the only person they can change is themselves or their choices. I’m sure male dating advice is the same way. i.e., they focus on what the man is doing wrong not the woman. This is the approach I take when offering advice to both my male and female friends too.

Reply April 11, 2013, 3:36 pm


This kind of comment always gives me a sense that the commenter is a child, refusing to take responsibility for herself, oh no of course you should never change and become a better person, the entire world should bend over to meet all your needs, being in charge and doing all the work is men’s business right? YOU can’t be expected to change for anyone else, YOU can’t be expected to take responsibility for how men will react to you, that’s all men’s OBLIGATION to you right?

Grow up is all I can say, no one is obligated to take you as you are, if who you are isn’t worth taking, and the only kind of men you’ll get are losers who’re just as desperate as you.

Reply March 13, 2014, 9:30 pm

S Anon

Luke, it cuts both ways. If the girl you are desperately in love with, doesn’t want you, time for you to go away..

Reply August 15, 2015, 1:08 am


I agree 100% with Eric. Great response Eric! Im a woman and i like sex just as much as the guy so if im attracted to him and the passion is there we will probably have sex within the first 2 weeks of dating. If the chemistry is there we will connect in other ways as well. I feel hes not taking advantage of me or using me for sex because we are BOTH getting something we want. I NEVER have sex with a guy thinking “now were going to be together” like some fairytale. That’s how a girl thinks not a grown woman and trust me…I used to think that way then I grew up. it just doesn’t happen that way and holding out on him makes it no better it just prolongs the inevitable. Sex is what it is and shouldnt be the only deciding factor when a guy chooses his woman and if is then he is probably a jerk and you don’t want him anyway. People give sex way to much power. Its fun and feels good ladies…enjoy it! I really think the woman needs to have a clear understanding of what she is willing to tolerate after having sex with a guy. If him texting and calling on a regular basis is important to you then you should stop dealing with a guy who feels its not. I personally don’t think it’s all that important. I’m not playing that game. If i want to talk to you im calling you or texting. Trust me while you are waiting on him he’s talking to another woman who thinks like me. Guys don’t care about that if they like you they will be happy to hear
From you. They like to feel wanted jus like we do but not stalked. Now if u call him and he never answers or responds thats what i call withdrawal its time to move on. I’ve learned from a guy I have been dealing with off and on for a year and a half now that men are attracted to confidence. When he does something I dont like I just cut him off. No communication whatsoever. He plays it cool sometimes then other times he comes right back and fixes whatever it is I didn’t like. We are not in an exclusive relationship but we like each other a lot I think we are just too much alike. We have both been married before and just aren’t ready yet so we like the sex with no strings. When we r together whether its sex or just going out together it feels exclusive so thats all i need right now. There are certain lines he knows not to cross with me as do I with him because I have told him and he has told me. it’s always after I have cut him off. There is no drama with us it’s just the way we are till one of us gets married or either marries each other lol happy dating everyone!

Reply September 3, 2012, 1:26 pm


I like your attitude a lot. I like how you don’t have an agenda and just enjoy the men you like for who they are. Thank you for teaching me.

Reply July 1, 2013, 11:12 pm


Just passing through because I recently read in a text book, men who’ve slept with multiple partners tend to lose attraction for a girl after sex – (hypothesized to be) an evolutionary mechanism to ensure he doesn’t commit as it is more costly than having multiple partners. Then I saw your post… Have you ever heard of a book called The Fall? It’s a story that’s meant to, among other things, teach people about “self-deception”. You my dear vixen are self deceived.

Reply November 6, 2013, 6:01 am


Oh I am agreeing with you, Anony. As a woman, you can love sex and have it as soon as you want and as much as you want and that is attractive in some sense because its freeing.. (another great book about sexuality is called ‘Sex at Dawn’) but what I think ends up killing it is, biologically a man’s brain is wired to compete to win the prize, then sex becomes part of the spoils of that won prize.. and only on this quest does he delve in to the emotional side of his brain to even conjure up the bonding feelings. So when you go around acting like sex with you isnt a big deal and you can do it just as much and just like any man, then you become like a man to him. And lets be honest, no man turns down some good sex.
Does that make sense? A feminine creature values those intimate parts of herself and even though she (I) absolutely love being sensual and sexual and have a high sex drive, I dont forget about the fact that mens brains are wired differently. Therefore my womans brain idea of being free with sex because its awesome and im evolved, etc, doesnt match up with his male brains wiring which says.. the longer sex is eliminated as an option in the beginning, the more time there is to develop an emotional connection with this woman, because once I have had sex with her, the desire to compete has been eliminated and I am satiated.. and they may not even understand that consciously, however, Ive heard some men even say how much they hope a woman doesnt let him sleep with her because of how hard it is for them to meet a woman who they can get to know emotionally without having to be validated by sex first. Keep in mind, sex for a woman bonds them chemically to a man and this does not happen on the mans side. His brain seeks quantity as a way to express freedom, which in turn releases different chemicals in his brain that fuel feelings of masculinity. So if you decide to have sex like a man.. then.. well… you cant expect the outcome that comes from having sex like a woman. 🙂

Reply November 27, 2013, 5:06 pm


well it sounds to me like you are having sex just for the fun of it, and not want a relationship which is a different situation what so ever.
when people get into a relationship they want love , respect and loyalty and they also fall in love which makes them vulnerable, meaning that if the other person does something bad to them it might hurt.
the lady in the article was describing a situation when she was trying to start something serious, not casual sex, like you are describing.

Reply February 22, 2015, 1:54 pm


Ok, Recently I have had a whole new realization about sex. I realized in my last dating escapade that I really should not be sleeping with a guy until we are in a commited relationship. The reason why is because yes, it does make me crazy when I like him and then we sleep together yet there is no commitment. It makes me upset and needy and probably does make him run off, which is somewhat understandable. But sometimes in truth the relationship is really not there yet. So I think if it’s not there yet then we should not be having sex! I feel like girls are trying to hide all these feelings and play it cool, when of course we feel attached and close to them. We have given them something special and given everything we have got to them. I really just think its unfair. Why should we have to give the guy sex just because it is “expected”, when they are not willing to give us commitment. (Not all girls want a commitment) But for those that do, I feel that it is way too hard to have sex with a guy you care for, yet hang out in limbo playing it cool. I really am sick of having sex waiting in the wings to see whether he is going to reject me or accept us. Sure, a lot of guys may not like that or get impatient, but forget that. My new thing is, why should I compromise what I want to please them. For example, have sex with the guy, yet he is not even spending the night. He doing what makes him comfortable. So I should do what makes me confortable I’m just done compromising and now realize I need to hold more value how I feel, first and foremost. If he won’t wait then is it really worth having. I just thing society dimished how powerful sex is. It is something that causes a lot of pain and hurt when not in the right context and before the right time.

Reply September 1, 2012, 4:29 am


You are smart Elaine.

Reply August 12, 2013, 11:02 pm

S Anon

“:It makes me upset and needy and probably does make him run off, which is somewhat understandable” No. A REAL man will not run away after sex. My husband didn’t run away after we had sex, in fact, it brought us closer and our relationship just progressed from there.

Reply August 15, 2015, 1:17 am

Janet Adeline

Think about it – do you honestly think that men choose a woman for their one exclusive relationship just for sex?

Most of men of course want sex. Women should not be annoyed by it, this is men’s natural. If a man is interested in you but not in sex, you gonna be worry about it. Women should be happy about men want to have sex with them, because it tell them they are attractive to men, but it’s up to women’s decision to make the choices.

Reply July 19, 2012, 9:41 am


Your comment really proves how women tend to just think about what men want. You’re saying men naturally want sex and women should just conform to that and hope that in turn they will end up being appreciated.
But women also naturally get attached to a guy when having sex, which is sort of contradictory to what guys feels, but equally important. So why shouldn’t guys say: Women naturally want a connection before and after sex, so we shouldn’t be annoyed by it, we should just accept that it’s natural and respect the woman’t decision.
Of course women sometimes want just sex – no strings attached. Sometimes just during a night out or during a time in their lives; but it’s a lot rarer. Because even anatomically speaking, women experience orgasm in their brain, while men experience it through some nerves in the lower back.

So men want sex as soon as possible – naturally – and women get attached very easily through sex, so they naturally feel the need to be in a relationship once they have sex. Both men and women are entitled to do what is right for them. But if guys don’t get sex from a woman they really like, they can wait; it’ll maybe be annoying to wait, but they won’t get their heart broken.
If women on the other hand will compromise on this one, they end up feeling used and hurt; they will lose some of their confidence in themselves and in men.
So women, remember that your need for attachment after having sex is as legitimate as guys’ need for sex without planning to commit to a girl.
If a guy seems to just want sex with you, do it if you’re ok to be left high and dry afterwards.
If you really like a guy and he asks for sex, wait until you can see that he is as hooked as you are. If he’s not, you’re not gonna make him commit by having sex and then stressing out and trying not to act clingy, although that would be natural for you.

Reply April 28, 2014, 8:05 am

anonymously me

Hey, thanks for this, I really like what you wrote about accepting that we feel attached after being with a guy and not hating ourselves for it (paraphrasing).Acceptance overall is good for both parties! I think it starts with self acceptance. Like “oh, hey, I feel this way, interesting. Ok I guess I can’t have sex with this guy anymore just for fun, because I really like him and I do care.” (etc). rather than “wtf is wrong with me? oh god, I can’t be ‘needy’, I can’t be into him, I can’t be in touch, I can’t let him know I like him”. It’s sad sad sad. I think it’s the panic part in the brain that is just basically saying “Oh, I actually care and I didn’t think I did”. 😛 And maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Let that inform us, and future decisions with that man or another, rather than struggling against it and/or looking to pretend we dont’ feel that way and change what already happened. I don’t think it’s bad to have sex with a man if you feel really good about it and him and have fun. But it’s tough to realize you like them after that, when you didn’t think you “cared”. really, I think that comes down to realizing you didn’t actually respect your wishes, because you are telling yourself that somehow after sex it’s inevitably over. But I don’t think it would feel this way with a man who you instinctively felt would respect you and like to talk to you afterwards, you know? I’m just riffing now haha. Like, being free and wild and “just having fun” can happen with a certain man. The man who, most likely, you already know is not really remotely available or ready to be a mate. So that’s too bad if you don’t realize it until after. But also, living in the moment is good and real, and playing games isn’t good just for the sake of it. I dunno. I’m all confused again! 😛

Reply December 3, 2014, 1:49 am


I was talking to the guy for two years and everyone said he liked me. So I finally gave in and had sex with him. Like 5 minutes after he left he texted me. the next day I found out my phone was getting shut off and i told him idk when and he responded back. Later that day I told him I had straighten everything out, but I havent heard from him since. It has been three days since we have had sex, Ive texted him back the next day and he never responded. Did I pretty much tell him to get lost or something? Or was he using me for sex?

Reply July 15, 2012, 3:45 pm


Sorry Megan. I’m in this situation. There might be two problems; he’s embarrassed about something he did wrong and is overthinking the situation; or he’s retarded and therefore doesn’t deserve you. Don’t make yourself crazy by reaching out to him. If you do, he’ll think you want something more. Even if you don’t reach out to him, he’ll think that too. Why? You slept with him. In my situation, the guy I’ve been dating for six weeks insists on doing it because we’ve been out 5 times. Fine. I call his bluff. I do the strip tease with the lacy lingerie, waxed like a porn star. He doesn’t want the visual stimulation (!). He says I’m just doing it to get out of sleeping with him. So, I take off my underwear. Now he can’t “do it” because stuff doesn’t work. I’m surprised, amused and relieved. So we cuddle, and I try to reassure him that the whole thing was fun, because I enjoyed the time with him. 7 days later, he still hasn’t called me, and I have a “never initiate contact” rule (because I don’t call him, he told me he feels pressured to do something, so go figure). When he finally contacted me it was a text to say he had a cold, but that would ask me out when he got better. Before the sex fail, he was all “I love you so much. I respect you. You’re a super woman. You’re awesome.” I basically reply to his text with a “having a cold sucks, get better soon” and ignored his next messages. He calls on Sunday, I didn’t pick up because I was enjoying my weekend, and do not make time for rude men who insist on getting laid and then don’t call back.

Reply January 13, 2013, 3:53 am


that’s because you were two years without sex. it was too long to keep the relationships without sex. as result, you make sex as the prize, not something natural, and, when he got the prize, he finished his “competition”. it is not good too have sex immediately but to wait too much as well get it even worse (he said he liked you because he wanted to win prize but why you made the sex as the prize).

Reply July 29, 2013, 2:54 am


It would just be nice for a guy to be upfront from the beginning. If a guy says he is looking for something serious then of course, we are going to react to that and want to nurture that possible relationship. If a guy would just say, “I am not looking for anything serious” then us women won’t get so frustrated with the lack of communication. Unfortunately, when I don’t get any communication, I think the relationship is over and I move on. I had a guy literally tell me he was serious about me after our first date. i was skeptical of course, but eventually let my guard down and he pulls the no communication crap.

Reply July 5, 2012, 7:32 pm

Stacey Taylor

If this site and advice is actually offered by a guy (and not a clever female!) then color me 100% impressed. That is astonishingly refreshing. So many advice sites run by guys who haven’t got the first clue about women, or even about how people work regardless of gender or sexuality. The couple posts on here I’ve read so far are right on.

One thing though, guys can’t read your mind. People you query on net forums only get your side of things, and clearly you’ve lost your objectivity the second you hit the send key anyway, and nobody can read the mind of whatever guy you’re referring to.

An easy rule of thumb all women should follow is that before a guy is a male, he’s first a human, same as you. He’s the same animal. Ask yourself how you’d feel if X happened. Ask yourself how you’d respond if X happened. Ask yourself why you do things when X happens, and chances are in the 90% bracket, that’s going to be his motivation as well.

Great site. Definitely keeping this on one my daily reads list. And to the guy that’s behind it – thank you for not giving these women dopey, idiotic advice that will only compound their issues with men. You rock. (But if you’re a female, then hahah! Clever girl!)

Reply July 4, 2012, 4:26 pm


7 years we have been dating? I broke up with my boyfriend going on our 5 year being together ,, we where apart for 11 months. During that time which he lived with his back then girlfriend in her home and they worked in the same place of employment. He always call but I never answered because I knew he was living his girlfriend. He would always drive by my house at al hours of the day to check on me. SEcretly he was paying my bills online. He had my information from when we where still dating. Eventaully we got cak together. Today we have been 7 years dating, engaged once and never got married. My question is will we ever actually get married?

Reply July 4, 2012, 2:10 am


No. He won’t marry you because he’s probably married to someone else.

Reply January 13, 2013, 3:33 am


Thank you!! My problem is almost the same as the problem of the girl above. It really open my eyes to a bunch of solutions for this complicated problem. I guess i didn’t want to show the guy how messed up i am by what he’s doing and how hard i’m trying to protect my pride. That i don’t want to be the first person to call or show i care about what he’s doing. I pretend everything is fine. Oh and TRACY love your comment… Thank you for putting it out there.. True that!!!

Reply June 27, 2012, 3:22 pm


I have to admit, I always assumed that guys weren’t intuitive & that it was us women who had strong intuition, gut-instinct & the like. This article was an eye-opener!

Reply June 25, 2012, 6:06 am

whittiany byrd

How do you know if you and your partner are officially over and if he has already moved on… we got into a big disagreement and went a couple of days without speaking nor seeing each other but then I broke the silence and called him but now its back to silence with each other in almost a month,,, Are we really done..?

Reply June 25, 2012, 3:08 am

Think about it this way

Have you ever felt a gut instinct or picked up on someone’s energy? This I believe is what he is speaking about. Recently I went out on a date with a guy I met online. The frequency and content of his texts and calls seemed “normal” however I could quickly sense that he felt desperate and obsessed with having a relationship. This may sound awful but it was a huge turnoff for me. While we all want attention and interest there’s also a level of confidence and independence that I want in a boyfriend. Even though his actions said one thing his attitude and overall energy screamed doormat, pushhover and extremely desperate. People can perceive things about us even by the way we walk and carry ourselves. It’s not necessarily in what you do but your mindset. People pick up on vibes. It’s natural to get excited about a prospect but always keep in mind that if this doesn’t work out there’s plenty of other options out there for you.

Reply June 24, 2012, 5:23 pm


true, but you say it was his frequency & perhaps tone of his calls/texts that turned you off. That’s different. I don’t see anything in the above story or even in my situation that warrants a “withdrawal” response. I don’t see how as long as you’re upbeat & “cool” & call once after a long time just to say, “hey, how’s it going,” is going to make him feel like you’re being needy.

Reply June 27, 2012, 6:03 pm

Stephan Labossiere

I have to give it to Eric, that was some great advice. I usually see the wrong things being told to women, but Eric did a great job of answering this woman’s question.

Reply June 22, 2012, 3:43 pm


I’m totally confused by this! Sounds like she did everything right! How would he know that she is needy/obsessing if she hasn’t even talked to him. I mean, for all he knows she is going out & having a good time, & not worrying. Do guys have some sort of esp? If that’s the case I’m in trouble, we’re all in trouble. A woman is human, I’m sorry. We have feelings. If thats such a turn off how do we ever find a guy. We are not perfect. Why do we have to be perfect I’m in a similar situation minus the sex part and don’t know what to do. I’m not doing anything to show my crazy insecurities I swear. everything she did is what I have been doing based on what I’ve been reading on this website & others. its not working. what is a girl supposed to do. you say a woman needs to be a prize, but how does she make herself a prize when she can’t even make contact? How is that being a prize? Plain & simple, sounds like he’s just not interested which I’m afraid is the same for me.

Reply June 20, 2012, 2:05 pm


I also don’t understand why it doesn’t matter the frequency of calls, texts, etc., I mean doesn’t a guy want to talk to a girl? I don’t mean it has to be everyday or even every week, etc. but aren’t humans social creatures? don’t we need human contact at some point? I, mean were supposed to enjoy each other, right? Are we supposed to communicate telepathically or something? what am I missing? sorry, just frustrated. not a crazy person, I promise. Quite the contrary

Reply June 20, 2012, 2:21 pm


My answer to your question about how would he know if she’s needy/obsessing is first make sure you know what needy/obsessing means to a guy. It could simply mean that he senses she’s even thinking about a relationship. If a guy is not even thinking about a relationship, and he senses the girl is AT ALL, he will pull back. Thinking about it at all is considered obsessing. Plus we got an uphill battle because men are programmed to look for those signs, and programmed to believe that women will want a relationship, which they don’t mind until they sleep with the woman. In fact they’ll even play into that, they can’t help it, up until it no longer serves them ie they’ve slept with the girl and the girl is getting all those cozy postcoital togetherness feelings. And a guy starts looking for those signs and getting fearful practically the minute he ejaculates. So you could be looking at him all starry eyed because you’ve got endorphins, but he’s seeing you looking all starry eyed because now you’re in love with him and want to have 10,000 of his babies. I don’t have any real answer for what to do, I’m part giving insight, part venting and part giving incomplete advice, which is: Never ever ever equate sex and relationship in any way. You can’t expect anything in return for having sex with a guy. The sex itself should be enough of a motivation or don’t do it. The only thing I’ve ever noticed makes a difference is managing my responses after sex. For instance, I do not blow off my morning to spend it with the guy afterwards. When I’m ready to sleep, I gently disentangle myself from the cuddling and get the space I need to sleep well. That kind of stuff. One thing I’ve done once now with success, and I’d like to see Eric’s opinion of this, is I took the initiative to say something. Instead of waiting for the guy to do the “this isn’t a relationship” talk, I asked him, “Do you think that I want to be in a relationship with you?” He bluntly told me “yes.” And I was able to set him straight, and now I have a bed buddy any time I ask, which is good because it’s what I wanted from him. But I like this approach because it takes the initiative, and just getting it out there is a relief for everybody.

Reply June 23, 2012, 8:27 am


I have a similar problem: I know a guy who likes me. He’s been proposing that we get together in a serious committed relationship, but all I want is a bed buddy for cozy nights in. You know, hot bath, wine, music, and shenanigans. Every time I suggest that I would be interested in just doing it with him, he says something about “a relationship.” I can’t get any, and he’s so hot and ripe for the picking. He won’t allow me to keep him as a companion. He wants more. How ridiculous is that?!

Reply January 13, 2013, 3:38 am


Julia…your post cracked me up. The needy male bed buddy! And you are the one who just wants sex. Thanks for making me laugh…even thru all my pain.

Reply June 20, 2013, 7:09 pm


OK now, why is knowing what you want equated with neediness? The guy knows he doesn’t want that woman as a bed-buddy, but as a gf, he has integrity and doesn’t agree to be a toy until she finds someone to be her bf. And he is needy? Seriously, people, think of the notion of neediness again, cause from that point of view wanting a relationship looks like a terrible thing. From what I experienced and noticed around me, those who complain about neediness of others the most, usually have committment issues and get freaked out about completely normal behaviour of interested person.

October 25, 2013, 3:11 pm

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