I’ve been dating a guy who I have known for a while for a month. The dates have all been amazing, we have so many core values, beliefs, and lifestyle aspects in common.
However, the part where he have sex and he withdraws happened. I’ve been totally cool about it, giving him all the space in the world, no calls, texts, emails. My Facebook page (which I know he looks at) makes it clear I’ve been out with friends, at events, and that good work things are happening.
My questions are: Is ANY contact okay during this withdrawal, or is all contact off limits for a while (the “Rules” say it is…)? How long do I give the withdraw period before realizing he doesn’t want to take things further? Is there anything a girl can do, apart from knowing that the guy would be crazy to not want her and continue to have an awesome life? And is there any other form of encouragement we can provide that lets him know we are interested in him, but not sitting around helplessly?
First, it’s a huge mistake to look at relationships like some sort of game where there are rules to follow and a strategic ways to respond to specific situations.
It sounds like you want your relationship with the guy to progress and you read somewhere that guys lose interest after sex, and now you’re freaking out because of receiving either bad advice, or misconstruing the advice you got.
Let me make this simple for you…
Guys want to capture a prize. And yeah, of course guys want sex, so if you think that sex is the only bargaining chip you have then you will always feel paranoid about men using you.
Think about it – do you honestly think that men choose a woman for their one exclusive relationship just for sex? Of all the sex with all the women out there they could be having – do you really think it’s just about sex for a man to make his choice?
I would have to imagine you’d answer: “Definitely not.”
OK then, if that’s the case then the sex is a non-issue. Frankly, if you have a pulse, you’re going to have sex with the guy sooner or later. So really, since it’s inevitable, the real concern is finding the “something more” that goes beyond just the sex.
Listen, when you inspire a man to see you as a confident, fulfilled woman with plenty to offer other than physical pleasure, he doesn’t treat you like an option. He pursues you with hunger and drive.
When you have the mentality that you have one bargaining chip (sex) and that you should hold out because it will magically generate interest, you’re viewing sex as your one and only asset.
If a guy isn’t all that into you, but knows you’ll give it up on date #3, he’ll stick around long enough to get some booty then leave. His thought process is most likely, “Well, I wasted this much time with her… might as well cash in on the obligatory third date sex.”
My point here is that if you want to win with this guy (or men in general), you have to view yourself as a prize to be won as a whole. Not just your sex. You need to see yourself as the proverbial Goddess on Earth, a spectacle to behold… a woman that has that certain “extra something” that makes you rare and unlike the rest.
People are entranced and captivated by someone who has an air of excitement, adventure and pleasure to them. While it can seem like men only want physical pleasure, what most really crave is a woman who reaches them on a deep and profound level.
Going back to the whole issue of giving a guy space. First, keep in mind that if your mindset is needy towards the guy or relationship, the amount of time that’s passed won’t really matter.
But I mean… if he went from constant texting to now a full week going by with nothing, then go ahead and text him.
When I talk about giving a guy space, I’m talking about giving him psychological space. A lot of other dating advice writers like to talk about waiting X number of days or holding out to make him text/call you first.
The fact is – if you’re needy and obsessing over him and your relationship with him, he’ll still feel it… even if you’re not calling or texting during that time. He’ll know – guys have a very good sense of it.
In that case, you’re not texting him, but he’ll still feel like he has no psychological space… he might not be talking to you because he feels like it’s an extremely delicate act, like walking on eggshells. And that’s very exhausting for a guy.
He’ll feel that way because he picked up on that energy from the girl. She can do all the “rules” in the book, but if he feels like she’s desperately obsessing over the situation turning into a relationship, he will want to escape (unless of course he also seeking that…)
To answer your question, go ahead and initiate contact. It won’t “hurt” anything… if he’s picking up neediness, from you then the damage was already done. Contacting won’t change it.
And if he likes you and was just caught up and busy, he’ll be happy to hear from you.
The biggest reason I’m harping on this whole texting thing is that when I see a woman stressing about something so trivial, it is a strong sign to me that she’s obsessing about the relationship. And that obsession leads to overwhelming fears and insecurities… which leads into neediness… which leads into acting desperate and making mistakes that drive the guy away.
To tie it up: your frequency of texting doesn’t matter if you’re truly not needy. And if you are needy, he’ll pick up on it sooner or later – no amount of texting rules will hide it.
Hope that helps,