“There’s a guy at work that I’ve been interested in for a while. The problem is, he sends mixed signals and I can’t tell if he really is interested in me and flirting or if he’s just being friendly.
What do guys like in a girl? What makes a guy want to date a girl versus not seeing her as “girlfriend material”? What do men want in a woman that makes them see them as a catch?”
There are going to be differences from guy to guy, but I’m going to try and keep the discussion of “what men want” to the most universal items possible.
I think it’s important to make the distinction between what men want in a relationship and what men want with a woman. Moreover, we also need to factor in what men want in their life.
We need to look at all three areas because they are interconnected. When you know what men want, then you’ll naturally know what makes a man choose one girl to be his girl for the long term.
First, what do men want in their life?
This is where you’re going to find the most differences between men. The good news is that if you know what factors are important in terms of relationships, you’ll know what to look for and what to understand about the man you’re dealing with.
Some men love sports, other men could care less about sports. Some men love science, others are uninterested. Some men love fitness, some love leisure, some love humor.
Every man loves something and it is plain as day if you actually look for what your man loves. You’ll see the evidence for it in what he does with his free time and what he gets excited about.
When you know what he loves, you want to start digging to really understand the emotions he has about that particular thing.
Let’s say he loves going to concerts or he’s really excited to go to a concert. You’d want to ask him things like, “Really, you’re going to a ::whoever the artist is:: concert? Cool. Do you like concerts in general, or is it just because you like that artist?” Get the answer. “What do you like about concerts / that artist?”
When you ask men questions like this, they light up. Guys are kind of weird with emotions; we keep them contained for the majority of our life and interactions, but when a woman wants to explore what we’re excited by, what we love or what we’re passionate about, we can’t say enough!
Seriously, don’t be surprised if a normally calm and collected guy starts gushing about how much he loves that particular thing.
All you have to do is be curious and interested in what he’s saying. Keep asking questions and exploring what he’s saying. Go deep and really learn about his loves, his passions, and his interests. More specifically, learn why he’s so passionate about them and what he finds interesting about them.
This will accomplish the following things:
First, he’ll be incredibly excited to tell you about his interests, loves, and passions because most people inherently want to share the things they love with people who are interested.
Second, if you seem interested in his interests, he’ll want to bring you into his world and expose you to it. In relationship terms, men love sharing what they love with people and having those people love it too. In a strange way, sharing what we love with someone else makes it fresh for us again.
For example, when I have a new girlfriend, one of the first things I want to do is watch all of my favorite movies with her.
Why? Well, I already feel that she likes what I like (chances are, she wouldn’t be my girlfriend if I didn’t see the world in a similar way as I do), so sharing the things I love with her is kind of like bringing her into my world further. Plus, I get to vicariously enjoy my favorite things as if I was seeing them again for the first time vicariously through her.
Quite simply – when a guy feels that you are intensely interested in his feelings about things he enjoys, he’ll want to share with you. The more intensely interested you are, the more he’ll want to share with you… and the more he shares, the more he’ll bond with you.
In many ways, men internally feel alone in the world. We’re conditioned by society to never show our emotions, so we downplay all of our feelings on the surface. When a woman is intensely interested in our feelings, we’re able to finally breathe a sigh of relief, open up and share ourselves.
This is a pathway to intimacy with guys and while it looks innocent and maybe even a little silly, it is extremely powerful with men.
By extension (and I wouldn’t start here), exploring the things that are really on a guy’s mind is a way to go really deep with a guy.
Women often miss this because they’re hypnotized by his “mask” – that is, the suave, cool, got-it-together appearance that the guy has on the surface. It’s actually a huge mistake to engage with him on that surface level and believe that’s who he really is.
The reality is that he’s the man underneath “the mask”: he’s the man who feels emotions about the things that actually matter to him.
If you’re interested in what men really want from a relationship, then you want to make the part of himself that he hides from the world your number one focus. Not his looks, not his surface image, not his “mask”, not his popularity, not his career, etc.
MORE: 5 Things Every Girl Needs to Know About Men
Another area to drill into is his activity passions – whether it’s business, rock climbing, playing guitar, chess, or even video games… you want to understand what drives him to love it.
A key understanding about men is: men need to feel like they’re winning in the world. Whether it’s winning at business or even living the social life they want, they need to feel like they’re a “winner” in the areas of life that are important to them. Winning in the world essentially means that he’s getting what he wants to get out of life in the way he wants to get it.
It’s very important that you understand where in life he wants to be a winner since these are the areas of life that determine if he’s happy in life or not. These are the areas of life that make him feel like life is good or life is bad. In short, “winning” in life is the most important thing to him.
You just need to understand what winning looks like for him because it will be different for every man.
When it comes to what men want from a relationship: men ultimately want a woman in their corner who believes in them and who always sees them as the winner they want to be in the world. Even when he feels like a loser. Even when he’s going through tough times. Even when there’s been a major setback and he feels like his world is falling apart.
When a man feels like you are the woman in his corner… the woman who gives him inspiration, strength, and confidence to compete… the woman who gives him a power to win in a way he couldn’t do on his own…
… he won’t just feel a bond with you… He will want you with him forever.
Here’s the most important question men ask themselves in a relationship – Does being with you make him feel like more of a winner in the world than he could ever feel like without you?
I know that sounds obscure, so take a minute to really absorb that. When you can really let that sink in, you’ll understand exactly how to reach him on a profound level that no other woman is even thinking about.
This is why I mentioned before why it’s so important to understand what men want in life – when you understand what he wants in life, you can understand what he needs in a relationship.
However, we haven’t yet touched on the third piece, which is what men want in a woman.
Let’s get the superficial stuff out of the way first.
First, superficial does not mean unimportant. If you ignore the superficial side of things, you will be at a tremendous disadvantage.
The smart way to go about things is that you acknowledge the superficial side of things and win in the areas where you can win.
So first, there’s sex. Great sex isn’t going to be a relationship-maker, but it certainly is very important to men. There are enough resources out there about being good at sex that I don’t need to delve into it here. My point is simple: Learn to be great at sex and learn to love sex – it helps.
MORE: Exercises to Enhance Your Sex Life
Next, there’s your looks. Sadly, women tend to pick the features about themselves that they dislike the most and focus on those.
Men, on the other hand, tend to focus on a woman’s best features. You would do best to follow the way that men see women and focus on your best features too.
In the realm of how a woman looks, I’m all for fitness, sexy outfits, and sexy make-up. I have seen relatively plain looking women turn into super hot knockouts just by getting in shape, wearing clothes that flatter their body-type, and learning the kind of makeup look that turns men on.
You might think that this is all superficial and I don’t disagree with you. However, this has a far deeper impact than just how he sees you physically.
It has to do with an incredibly powerful psychological motivator for men, which I call “market value.”
What do I mean by market value? Well, it’s silly, but human nature is to want whatever everyone else wants.
You’ll hear so-called relationship experts in rag-magazines and pop-psychology books talking about how “men need a challenge” and “men love the chase”…
This advice is confusing and I often see women misinterpreting it.
The fact is, acting like a challenge for no reason or making a man chase you is simply annoying and feels manipulative. What does work is…
Being a woman that men need to earn.
What does that mean? It means that not every man could have you. Only the best man can have you – the man who wins you.
See, if a man feels that you’re with him because you want a boyfriend, then he knows that he could put in barely any effort since your primary interest is in getting some empty relationship title.
However, if a man feels you’re with him because he “won” you and was better than all the other men who you could be with, then he’ll continually work hard to make sure … [Click here to keep reading...]
Samantha May 10, 2013 at 12:54 am
Just some thoughts:
I really learned a lot from this article. Recently entering my 20s has left me some questions as to why I am still single. Physically I am skinny, have dark blonde hair, blue eyes, and model on the side. I love to enjoy life and feel to be very personable to most. I do not have huge boobs like some of my friends with boyfriends so I feel at times that I will always be seen as less by men.
This opened my eyes to many different perspectives on love. Along with the articles, just the act of living life- and to stop worrying about finding love is fantastic. Even though I am growing up and am still the single one, there is still hope even though I am leaner.
I particulary loved the idea of “being a woman that he has to earn”. Arriving at my first year at university, I found the perfect guy. We had a great date, hit it off, he spoke about me to his friends, we talked about what we wanted to do in the future and everything seemed to have gone well. Afterwards I left with the idea that it went nicely, but he never spoke to me again. I had no idea what happened, but after a couple months he randomly apologized, but in a self-reflection I think maybe I was too available. I was obviously too ready for a relationship and he could sense the ease at which he could have me.
Anyway, thank you for this enlightening article, there are some very deep points.
Ninaa May 8, 2013 at 6:10 am
Hi Eric!
I have read over a few tips on relationships, I have 2 people I follow – 1 from a man perspective and 1-from a woman’s perspective.
BUT I MUST SAY—you have taken the *cake* from both of them!
–Your insight you provided has been the most helpful yet!
I would love to follow your post,can u send me an email to subscribe?
–Thank you!
If I could I would thank you–for all women who come across your post.
Keep doing what you doing.
Eric Charles May 8, 2013 at 7:37 pm
Our newsletter sign-up is on the sidebar and the pop-up that comes up on our dating articles.
And our RSS subscribe is at the top in the header.
Think I messed up...Jane May 3, 2013 at 5:55 am
Hi Eric, I love your articles very much, though it saddens me to only discover all of this now, after I messed up. Precisely 1 year ago I met a really sweet guy, gentle, caring, charming, always friendly and not judgemental… at that time I could not believe that men like that still exist, so I sort of dived in with everything, telling him how we are made for each other and all that without getting him to chase me or getting to know him, I did show alot of interest in the things he like because I like those things too. Anyhow, he withdrawed almost immediatly and o we work together, I eventually “moved on” as I had to but always felt some “what if” with him. how can he know it wont work unless he’s given me a chance. at the very begining he was with me every lunch time or tea time we had, untill the moment I’ve spilled my guts about everything I mean everything… past realationships etc. When he withdrawed, it was like 3months later and I had someone who said all th “right” things, took me for a ride… pretended cause he only wanted one thing, which i didnt see at first, (he also works with me,FYI) anyhow, didnt work out, i got hurt, still single 9months later, and i never stopped thinking about the first guy, my trouble is that im afraid that Ive messed up so bad, because I didnt know all of this that I know now, and If I start to impliment all of the new things you teach us, would he then fall for me or is he’s vision of me ruined?????
Erica April 30, 2013 at 9:10 pm
Hello you are a very smart guy, love your article and I learned so much and I think it will help my relationship.It will help me. You really helped me understand a man and get how they really are different from women and I admire that.
Meylin April 25, 2013 at 10:53 am
Hi Eric!
I came across the site recently, and I must say, I don’t think I’ve ever read more thorough and accurate advice on relationships. As for this article, you certainly nailed it! Theory and practice often differs, but you actually support your reasoning and it all makes sense.
Thank you for the insights. I look forward to reading more of your articles.
~Meylin
Susana April 24, 2013 at 7:12 pm
Ever since I found your website Ive been stuck love your advice keep up the great work
Angela April 15, 2013 at 9:26 am
I really enjoyed this article and i’m making my comment before reading other comments… but i like the idea of the woman being a “prize” to be earned. It’s not a material idea, but it is in a sense. That the woman has decided that you’re the alpha male, that he got the best possible outcome, that he “won” in life. I’m glad that you made it very clear that there’s nothing material or superficial about this mentality. Sadly, some men mistake this mentality for the literal meaning…that a woman is something to be paraded around and treated like a new car or watch. It’s different because those material items may indicate success or wealth, but it doesn’t indicate what kind of person you are. Because you can have all the bling and wealth in the world, but if you’re still single after getting all that money, women WILL wonder what you traded to get it. Your sensitivity? Your humanity? Did you stop saying “please” and “thank you” in favor of looking like a hard-working, non-compromising businessman? That might impress another man, but it’ll drive away any serious, mature woman.
Anyway, i could go on, but i really appreciated the “win” mentality clarification. Thanks and well done!
gra April 9, 2013 at 8:00 am
Eric, thanks so much for the advise.
Having relationship problems and I’m gonna use your advise and
see if that sorts it,
much love!!!
Alice April 4, 2013 at 10:12 am
THIS IS FANTASTIC INFORMATION!!!!
Jessica March 28, 2013 at 10:15 am
Thank you, Eric! Your insight is always so appreciated and helpful!!
Lourdes March 23, 2013 at 9:52 am
Thank you so much!! I’ve read your emails and articles. I find them to be enlightening and informative. To get right to the point without all the “fluff” is excellent. I am one that hates wasting my time reading something that goes nowhere. I am pleased to see that I’m doing things right with a man I’m interested in. However, what you said about what he wants in his life is good to know. I am also happy to see that by what your saying about being the prize. I do consider myself to be quite a catch. I am confident in myself for all my abilities and really want the man to be worth my time. Several are vying for my attention but this one particular guy is the one who’s caught my eye. We’ve been feeling each other out and now I understand why. He is very happy that he gets my attention over other men and now I see how much it means from a man’s point of view. Thank you so much for this article. It will help me avoid potential mistakes and increase our chances of a meaningful relationship. God bless.
iliana March 21, 2013 at 7:23 pm
Eric,
About me being “the prize” do you mean that he has to feel like he’s in a competition with other men? For example, I’m dating other men. I’m not just focused on him?
LeightonL March 21, 2013 at 12:43 pm
Eric,
Great advice. I guess I need more clarification; you say that he needs to feel he’s winning you and to keep your market value high… but exactly how do you keep showing that you’re choosing to be with him throughout the course of a relationship?
And how do you balance the aspect of showing interest, praise, and appreciation to the guy while maintaining a quality market value?
Thanks!
zannie March 21, 2013 at 9:32 am
thanks a bunch Charles,i never knew that man’s interest means a lot in them
Maria March 21, 2013 at 5:27 am
Dear Eric you are confusing me. What do you mean by a woman keeping her market value? A lot of guys in society these days are losers; either not working or are working and just carrying themselves all kinds of sloppy (not caring about their appearance, smoking, drinking etc). I’m thinking about becoming a lesbian because most women out here are well kept and ready to treat someone kind and decent. Maybe you can write a book for men, so they can learn how to be a MAN. Help your brotherhood society because men are just pathetic these days.
miss single May 8, 2013 at 1:50 am
you are so right im thinking the same way these guys are a complete waist of time no respect for women don’t want take you out on a real date but would rather come to your house an cuddle with the hopes of getting sex without putting bin any effort it sad and I am on the edge completely tired of there crap
Jenna March 20, 2013 at 10:18 pm
Dear Eric, Thank YOU! You’re like a great and caring friend Sweetie Pie! xoxo
Glenna March 20, 2013 at 11:04 am
Dear Eric, thank you so much for the valuable information you post for us women…it truly helps us see things from a man’s perspective. Keep them coming!
Anne Drew March 20, 2013 at 1:24 am
I like ur articles.. its help me to built myself up after broken up with my ex..
and we still goin out till now.. but one thing i wana ask if there’s a chance i can get back with him but at the same time im scared.. we nvr talk abt ourself since we broke up.
Kate March 19, 2013 at 9:37 pm
totally agree. you hit the nail on the head about men wanting to “win” at life. from everything i’ve learned about men i’ve gotten close to, that’s the perfect way to put it! i also couldn’t agree more with the market value. i’m pretty lucky because i’ve personally never had too much trouble with men. i’ve never been broken up with or too under appreciated in a relationship. and it’s not even like i’m the sexiest girl in the room. i’m pretty and all that but i’ve known so many girls who were, in my opinion, equally pretty or prettier than i am who have had a lot more trouble with men. i think part of it is simply being comfortable in yourself, and being comfortable with the concept of being alone. nobody, man or woman (though i would imagine a man would be even more turned off by it because of their inherent desire to win), wants to feel like somebody is with them out of fear of being single or out of loneliness or desperation or anything. it’s insecure and people can pick up on that, even if you don’t straight up say things like “omg im so worthless, nobody else will want me”. insecurity is never an attractive trait. it’s also impersonal and, in a way, it’s insulting to the other person. being with somebody for the wrong reasons sends the message “you’ll do, i need somebody” rather than “i genuinely think you’re a cool person and i want to be with you because of that”. anyways i’m basically just rehashing what you’ve said! i think this was a really good article and i hope ppl will let the information and advice sink in and really benefit from it.
Rana March 19, 2013 at 9:32 pm
I’ve been seeing a new guy for around two months now, at first he was so into me he would go out his way to see me. About three weeks ago he seamed to loose interest he. stopped calling testing he was coming over every day and now I haven’t seen him for over a week.. I ask him if I had said or did something wrong and he says he is going through alot with his divorce settlement with will be very next week and he will be all better. I’m so confused. Should I call it quits or give him time? I feel so hopeless please help.
Isa March 20, 2013 at 2:22 am
Hi Rana, seriously I know how you’re feeling. My boyfriend was like that for MONTHS before we really got together. It was very painful to me and at the same time that was where I broke my old habits with men and started gaining patience and more selfworth. 1. Haunting him down scares him away. I said:” hey, we have to talk, we should get to know each other even more, spend more time together” 6 hours later I got a text saying: “we should take it easy…” meaning we actually stopped seeing each other. I started focussing on myself (even I was in pain and desperate) and my feminine grace, focussing on what a CATCH I am and all men noticed. Him too. I started having a few coffee dates and kept my options open even I missed him like crazy. But I also told myself: everybody sees me as a catch so now he must EARN me. Another time he stood me up on a date, I was devastated but said to him: “go do whatever you have to do but its going to be without me, cause I like to be treated right and you just didn’t respect my effort or my time”. I kept on looking georgeous and focussing on options in life, he observed me. Looooong personal struggle here but I learned how I really want a man to treat me. And what I want to put in a relationship. Today we are a couple and live each other madly. Good luck, let him earn you!
claire March 19, 2013 at 8:23 pm
I really like this article and feel there is a lot of useful information in it. I do a lot of these things naturally and it feels good to know what I’m getting right. Thanks
Jessica March 19, 2013 at 7:45 pm
I’ve been seeing a guy friend casually with benefits! We don’t talk everyday but I do spend almost every weekend with him and his son. He works hard, is a great father and we have a great friendship. I would eventually like it to become more serious. I’ve been reading all the articles and following through with the advice. He has started to become more affectionate and is taking extra effort to spend time with me. Thank you for all the advice! I really want to keep this guy and I believe you are going to help me achieve this goal. To make me his one and only!
Mimi April 21, 2013 at 2:37 am
“I’ve been seeing a guy friend casually with benefits!”
“I would eventually like it to become more serious. I’ve been reading all the articles and following through with the advice.”
No you haven’t. It doesn’t seem like you have even read this article. Sorry to be hard on you, but you’ve given the ‘benefits’ for free without him having to earn it. Read it again.
Sarah March 19, 2013 at 7:41 pm
Do you tell them… you earned it!!!! Like today he msges me wants a nice pic while he was working.. and i say awe you been working hard hey ok ill take a break from studying lol
sarah March 19, 2013 at 7:38 pm
I need some clarification on what earning someone is… like holding off on sex?? … not always being available..not giving, if your not getting????
THANK YOU -you guyz are great haha my ex and I are doing great.. but im still confused about some stuff!!!
sarah March 19, 2013 at 7:29 pm
So what if you chased him and won him how then do you get them to chase you?
Faizah March 19, 2013 at 7:22 pm
Hello Eric,
Thank you for the valuable tips, they are highly appreciated.
I’m having this online relationship for almost five months now, we have agreed from the start that we’re both in this for marriage. He told me that he has feelings for me (but never said that he loves me) and I’m starting to have feelings for him too.
The thing is, as the time goes by.. we don’t seem to have a clear plan/direction to what to do next, I asked him about month ago.. how he feels about this relationship or if he sees a future, he told me that he like me but can’t answer this question until we meet in person – I thought it’s only fair – but he also says that he’s not ready to meet in person yet because he’s busy starting a new business and working on his fitness.
I don’t mind to wait.. because I like this man very much (knowing that I’m still dating other guys online) but he’s the one that I want to be with.
My Questions: How long should I wait? when should I quit and move on? how can I let him know that I have other options, but he’s the one that I’m choosing? what EXACTLY should I say to him to see if he really interested to have a future with me or not?
Thank you again Eric!
Love,
Faizah
Tracey March 19, 2013 at 7:52 pm
Im really sorry Faizah, but you have waited 5 months to meet this man and his reason for not meeting at the moment is he is building a business (ok fair enough, he has to commit to his business for it to be a success) and his fitness!!! The man is married or already has a partner, and you are the person he chats to when she is in bed or out with the kids.
Sorry to be brutal, but you are being played for a fool
Faizah March 20, 2013 at 9:52 am
Okay, but I forgot to mention that we live far away from each other, does this count?
Angela April 15, 2013 at 9:31 am
I’m sorry too Faizah…but i think there’s something fishy going on with your gentleman friend. The best thing, i’d say, is to just do your own thing….keep pursuing your own interests and being happy on your own. If he decides he wants to be part of it, let him. But if he’s too busy in his own life, then that means his priorities are set. If a man wants you, he will stop at nothing to be with you. If he’s not made you his #1 priority, then make something or someone else your priority. You don’t need to sit around waiting for him to make you feel worthwhile! Please don’t do this to yourself!
Chath March 19, 2013 at 7:17 pm
Great advice Eric!
I’ve actually changed my perspective on life during the past few months, and realised the things that are truly important for me. That includes finding a good guy, however it has gone down quite a few steps on list of priorities. Reading this article now and your previous emails, I realise how important it is to just relax and not chase guys aimlessly…We need to get to know them better and also like ourselves better. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, but if we go through that process hopefully we’ll have made a great friend in the end and know more about what we want and need.
shannon March 19, 2013 at 6:39 pm
Great article…so helpful…keep up the great work!!
Lauren March 19, 2013 at 4:09 pm
Eric your article reminds me of my mum and my dad. My dad relentlessly pursued her even though he had no money, didn’t even have a car and dumped his long term girlfriend to be with her. 35 years later he will still do anything for her and they are still together. The formula is simple – mum was the prize, other men wanted her, she didn’t need him and he went places in his career he never would have went to without her help. He often says ‘your mother was my saviour’. Stupidly over the years I’ve adopted the relentless pursual approach on men but for obvious reasons this always fails. Recently I’ve taken a different approach and started to focus on whether a man is worthy of me and all the things I have to offer. Already I’m starting to get the attentiveness I’ve always wanted and don’t feel constant disappointment. In fact I think the current flame has texted a while ago but I haven’t even opened it! That’s progress. Whole heartedly agree with everything on a New Mode and that’s another great article Eric!
Cindy March 19, 2013 at 3:29 pm
Love your articles always….but here’s my confusion…how do u go about making yourself seem more marketable…especially when u only see them maybe twice a week and most of your contact is through texts…the gut I’m talking to works 80 hours a week…
Valentina April 3, 2013 at 7:33 pm
you don’t wanna “make yourself seem,” that’s never gonna work. you have to “actually be” more marketable, so you need to do this while he’s working his 80 hrs/wk even though he’ll never see it. the main thing is you’ll act like a woman who has options and self respect.
1) find a passion.
2) develop it and spend enough time with it that you learn about it and let it make you happy
3) find the community of people out there who share your passion. and let me tell you ANYTHING can be a passion and have a community out there for it: dogs, walking, tattoos, growing apple trees, roller derby, a certain bar in town, or church….my point is, find yours, participate in their events, get their newsletters, make friends. ***your market value is automatically higher in this community because everyone in it knows you have an interest they see as valuable. you might even find you have an appearance, quirk, or personality that people with your passion find very attractive, even if the rest of the world never noticed it.
4) you become happy and confident and appreciated
5) your market value outside the community really becomes higher because – surprise! – more guys want a happy and confident girl with a life besides him.
so don’t worry about the guy’s interests or try to choose a passion he would approve of, because if it doesn’t genuinely make you happy, it defeats the purpose. if you’re doing something in your spare time that makes you happy and surround yourself with like-minded people, whenever you do see him, he will wonder why you’re so pleasant and glowing. believe me, when you work 80 hours a week, its a great delight to spend time with a cheerful, happy, low-drama person who has better things to talk about than work.
Angela April 15, 2013 at 9:34 am
VERY well said Valentina! You’re 100% right!
Mina March 19, 2013 at 3:23 pm
I loved the article and see a lot of truth and helpful advice in it; however, I’m slightly confused/concerned. What if you’re not naturally bubbly and you’re more mellow and not super outgoing? Does this mean you have to fake it in order to be considered high market value? And basically not be your true self? I wouldn’t want to be acting in a way other than how I really am but then again, I can see how that bubbly flirtatious personality is desirable. So basically, what I’m saying is: I refuse to fake it or change my personality. Does this make it impossible to be considered high-market value?
Stevie March 19, 2013 at 3:18 pm
Thanks very much for this insight, Eric!
There’s a lot to take in, but I feel that this article will certainly be a bookmark to come back to in order to remind myself.
I am one to admit that I have been needy in the past with men, I know it for a fact, but often the issue lays within changing that in myself.
I think this post has helped me to shift my mindset a little towards being the better woman – from a guy’s point of view! I’m confident that understanding what men really want will give me the confidence to remove those needy feelings and behaviours.
I also want to say that I find your’s and Sabrina’s emails incredibly helpful too, I’ve kept them all and often read back through them for a little guidance as my relationship/life status shifts.
So to sum it up, thank you for everything! Please keep doing what you’re doing, it’s much appreciated!
Nicole March 19, 2013 at 3:14 pm
Hey Eric,
First off thanks so much for the advice it really has helped me turn my attitude around and this article really made sense for me! I just had one quick question if you havent been doing the things you suggested and he doesnt feel like he has to win you over is there a way to turn it around and un do the damage or should you just move on and forget about them ?
Sara M. March 19, 2013 at 1:49 pm
I am really enjoying your articles. They go deep yet simple and it is helping to undo all the confusing women’s advice that has been out there for awhile like, not worrying about his interest, don’t worry about what *he* is thinking only focus on you, and stuff like that. I found that if we want a solid relationship we *should* focus on learning and understanding the deeper aspects of our partner’s psychology. Advice such as be his honey, be his pearl, don’t call, don’t talk, don’t kiss is all becoming a lot of babble with no base.
Eric Charles March 19, 2013 at 2:11 pm
Thanks – I really appreciate that. Glad you like our stuff.
Lila March 19, 2013 at 1:23 pm
A New Mode is just one of two dating sites that I subscribe to and I have to say that you guys talk a lot of sense.
I agree 100%. And I think girls should stop watching the movie trash of these days and start watching old classics like Gone with the Wind. Watch the main male characters in action – that will teach you what men really want. Fine, it’s fiction. But guys, Eric Charles, let me know if I’m wrong
Eric Charles March 19, 2013 at 2:13 pm
Thanks, I’m glad to hear that.
I haven’t watched Gone With The Wind in years, but I would say that Rhett Butler is a much more authentic character than all of the nonsense media trash of today – whether it’s today’s movies, TV, “reality” TV, etc.
It’s like the movie industry completely gave up after 2000. I digress…
Lila March 19, 2013 at 11:05 pm
Margaret Mitchell, the author of the novel, (and most her kind – especially during that bygone era) were experts at painting clear and accurate pictures of human character. She did a brilliant job I think at illustrating “what men want.”
On some other day, I’d probably agree with your blog entry by citing some personal anecdote, but today I’d like to go literary
1. He will want to bring you into his world and expose you to it: Rhett recognized Scarlett for who she was, and realized that they were as similar as two peas in a pod. They both had daring, practical personalities and a flair for shocking conventional society. Only the two of them could understand each other.
The supporting character Ashley Wilkes, echoes the same thing. He marries his cousin Melanie because “they think alike and understand each other and are of the same blood.” He is attracted to Scarlett but he knows that’s “not enough to make a marriage successful.” So there you go ladies – a lot of meat there!
2. Does being with you make him feel like more of a winner in the world than he could ever feel like without you? – A great lesson or two here at how “belles from the old south stand by their man.” Even Scarlett, for all her naughtiness, knew how to balance rebuffing Rhett with enough sincere praises. Melanie Wilkes is a paragon of feminine support
3. Great sex isn’t going to be a relationship-maker, but it certainly is very important to men. – Well isn’t it any wonder that Rhett and Scarlett’s marriage starts to break down the moment she suggests and end to their sexual relationship because she wants to save her figure from more childbearing?
4. Market value: being a woman that everyone else wants – Scarlett did a brilliant job at playing the southern belle. She was manipulative and calculating enough to attract every roving male eye at the plantation barbecue to catch Ashley Wilkes’ attention. Scarlett’s the kind of girl that makes poise, fitness, beauty, and fashion a priority. What she didn’t count on was attracting the best guy around, who was hotter than her crush! Scarlett’s market value was so high that Rhett put up waiting for her even though she married twice, and finally caught her because he didn’t want to keep waiting to “catch her between husbands.”
5. While I’m on the subject, I’m going to add another crucial lesson learned both from real life and from the movie – men want to feel that they have the pure love of a woman who wants them for who they are and not for what they have. No matter how much Rhett wanted Scarlett, he made sure he had her when she didn’t need his money. Only then did he willingly shower her with a lavish lifestyle. Having money of her own, he could prove she wasn’t sticking to him just because of financial need.
The way women hate being used for sexual pleasure is the same way men hate being used for their money. These two issues ought to be put away from the get-go before any sincere relationship can properly blossom.
Lana March 19, 2013 at 1:18 pm
Great article, I agree with every single word here : )
Aqwerty March 19, 2013 at 12:50 pm
That is such a meaningful article, Eric. I thank you so much for that.
There’s this guy i like; the problem is that he is working where i am studying. It started with him looking/noticing me, and that triggered my feelings for him. I fell madly in love with him, and as soon as i fell for him, he stopped noticing me.. that just broke my heart and now, my saddest fear is that maybe he wasn’t really noticing me. he’s just a few years older than me, but since he is working where i am studying, i am finding it very difficult to get to him, to know his private life, if he has a girlfriend, what his search in life is about. i’m extremely curious and i’m mad about him now. Is there anything i can do??/
Lana March 19, 2013 at 1:20 pm
forgive me for saying that, but here’s something you can: read the article again
Nikki March 19, 2013 at 11:18 am
Hi Eric loved this!! I do have a question though, it might sound silly but I’m gona ask anyways. I recently got out of a relationship with a guy I really really liked and I think what you’re talking about, him earning me, had a lot to do with it. I think he felt in the end he didn’t have to so it was too easy and he walked away
I was wondering what kind of behaviour or attitude makes a girl high market value/makes a guy want to earn her?
Thanks
Eric Charles March 19, 2013 at 2:21 pm
There is evidence all around you for “what guys like”. Some stuff won’t suit you, some stuff will.
Typically, the qualities that men like in women tend to be the qualities other women hate about other women. Things like being sexy, being happy and bubbly, being pretty, being in great shape, etc.
For example, women *love* recommending that other girl’s should change their hair color to brown or dark or red or black. Anything but the dreaded blonde. Why? Well, I’d say it’s because when a woman has blonde hair, every guy looks – guys can’t not look at a girl when they see blonde hair.
Women tend to care about the “attention economy” – that is, which girl is getting all the guy’s attention.
Essentially, women tend to hate when another girl is getting lots of male attention. They’ll say it’s because she’s a slut, a whore, an attention-whore, etc. Really, it’s just thinly veiled jealousy – most women, unfortunately, are insanely jealous of women with high market value.
So if other women hate you, it’s probably because you’re doing a lot of things right. Sad, but true.
another girl March 19, 2013 at 7:40 pm
Eric, I agree with you to a point but I don’t think girls always hate when other girls are sexy. I receive compliments when I wear a short skirt equally by guys and girls. Well, I have received bad attitude but only by girls who are not my friends. And blonde is not for everyone and there are guy who don’t like blondes. A black or Asian girl will look better with dark hair as well as many girls with dark complexion, etc.
Anais March 28, 2013 at 4:11 pm
Eric, I’m with you on your take on how a lot of women get jealous when aother woman has more attention. But I agree with Another Girl, Asians and groups with dark complexions do not receive that type of attention with blonde hair because it doesn’t look natural. I think darker hair suits us more. Plus a lot of guys prefer dark hair over blonde hair
vsweetiepie March 21, 2013 at 12:55 pm
For example, women *love* recommending that other girl’s should change their hair color to brown or dark or red or black. Anything but the dreaded blonde. Why? Well, I’d say it’s because when a woman has blonde hair, every guy looks – guys can’t not look at a girl when they see blonde hair.
NOw lets recap here blonde hair? yes it is eye catching, even red hair looks eyes catching but that dont make them better looking or more attractive, i am a cosmetologist so if i recommend something it wont be because i am jealous of her if she colors it blonde, once a woman skin tone is enhanced by a color i would recommend blonde, or any other color that i think is suitable, besides blondes dont mean they are better looking than the rest of us, whatever god gave to u , you have to make the best of it, i wont discriminate against blondes but any attractive woman is eye catching, they dont just look at the hair, they look at your face which is the main attraction then your body, if she has a flaw in her body type like a belly she can wear clothes to show of her best assets, but basically i could class with any woman because i know i dont need make up to look gorgeous, an many men like women that are naturally hot an their good character is what they look for not someone that opens her leg for any man that walks in her life
G Marie March 19, 2013 at 11:11 am
This is a great article and very helpful insight! I have a question…how does this differ when you are dealing with long distance and you can’t be physically together often? Perhaps this is a question for a separate blog! My story is far too long to get into on a comment here, but the synopsis is we met eight months ago, best man and maid of honor at our best friends wedding. We instantly clicked like lightning and for three months and a couple of visits later it was daily conversations for hours on length at times. Chemistry was there. But the kicker, we live 1,600 miles apart! It eventually slowed down but then, he keeps coming back to me and into my life! We have shared many things and he has in fact has shown his vulnerability to me while his mother was close to death. Things have gotten really intense between the two of us, then he kind of pulls back. Tells me he can’t handle this long of a distance, but he wants to keep me in his life and would love to be with me if the distance was not a factor. It is not stated nor has it ever been clear what we are in the relationship realm, but we are clearly more than just friends, have this powerful chemistry together & he keeps returning to my life…we both want to be some part of each other’s life. With our distance, it clearly isn’t just about sex. He has seen other women and I have dated other men. Anyways…it’s been eight months now since our “thing” started, five months since we have physically seen each other, and I will be seeing him for a few days in three weeks. So again, what are the cues and how do these “rules” change when a long distance dynamic is involved?
Lana March 19, 2013 at 1:27 pm
I am in LDR myself, I am sorry, but honestly the only thing that makes LDR work is a mutual desire of future together, if there is no intention from both sides to get together and no plans on how to do that, it’s not gonna work. And when u don’t have a status of relationship even it’s basically impossible. Maybe the ony thing that could help you to check if something can work out of it is tellign him you can no longer be involved in what is happening between you as it is right now, cause it’s not what you want, and let him think if he wants and eager to do anything about it. One thing: after that if he doesn’t do anything you will need to forget him and move on for real.
G Marie March 19, 2013 at 3:29 pm
Thanks Lana. You are absolutely correct and in fact I look forward to having some good conversation in the flesh with him next month and to talk a few things out. As with all human relationships and interactions, there have been many other factors involved with our relationship from early on, of which has since been resolved. & in fact I think never really identifying what we were (are?) has been part of our problem, for both of us. I was curious to hear what a guys perspective is on such a dynamic, assuming it is any different or perhaps more info inside the male mind that could perhaps shed some light.
Lelia March 19, 2013 at 11:07 am
Well you just helped me tremendously. I’ve been dating this guy for about 3 months now. He actually told me that he felt I could make him great. I first thought wow and then I felt a tremendous amount of pressure. A couple of weeks ago he asked me if I wanted to watch the series LOST. I never watched it before. He actually told me he wanted to experience it with me. *blushing*. We’ve been watching it religously and im addicted. Im actually glad i didnt watch it while it was on air because now i can experience it with him.
Your article reaffirmed what I already felt from him. It makes perfect sense to me now, hearing another man explain how you creatures think lol.
Sam March 19, 2013 at 11:02 am
great article Eric !!!
my question is :what if a woman has such a relationship or bond and the guy tells her most of his deepest secrets or thoughts but says he doesn’t accept her as she is now coz he is in a socially higher job than she is but they both come from middle class family .
should she stay or leave???
is he worthy???
thanks .
Mary H. March 19, 2013 at 10:59 am
I’m curious as to what Eric has to say about this, I will add one thing that’s often overlooked, which is pretty simple: Being a good person.
It seems like a commonly-held myth that “men love bitches” (see: Sherry Argov). I don’t think they actually love bitches. They love confidence and high-value women who have solid boundaries. Confidence and boundaries, however, should not entail actual bitchiness. Think about it: if you were a man, would you really want the mother of your children to be a bitch? Would you want her to be catty, spiteful, and constantly putting down others to make herself feel better? Probably not.
So what do I mean by “good person?” I mean a woman who is warm, loving, giving, caring, nurturing, and affectionate towards others. A woman who has empathy for everyone around her. A woman who isn’t full of bitterness and negativity towards other people. Now, being nice does not necessarily mean being a doormat. Notice that I still said having boundaries was important. But sweetness and warmth are important because they are so missing from a guy’s life without a woman. None of his guy friends are outwardly sweet and warm. He wants that from you.
Eric Charles March 19, 2013 at 2:38 pm
I never read the book, “Why Men Love Bitches,” so I can’t comment on the actual content of the book.
If I was just taking the title as a statement of truth at face value, I would say that it’s the most ridiculous and stupid idea I’ve ever heard.
You have it right: Men want a confident, high-value woman who knows how to get what she wants, doesn’t put up with what she doesn’t want and can do all this in a way that is pleasant, appealing and open.
The “bitches” book might be driving at the same point and just has that title to create a stir – I don’t know. I have actually had girls purposefully act difficult and “bitchy” with me, then break down into tears when I stop dating them, telling me that they thought that I’d like them better if they acted “bitchy”.
I feel bad for women being misled by our sociey’s very apparent ignorance as to what men want or like in a relationship partner. That’s why I do what I do.
Karen March 19, 2013 at 10:58 am
Thanks for the great article. I appreciated your truth about “the chase”. Yes, I think it is more about competition (I won her over) instead of (I can catch her) attitude. Thanks!!
Eric Charles March 19, 2013 at 2:40 pm
Yup. Pretty much. I mean, there are many layers and flavors to male-to-female attraction, but this is a huge point that gets overlooked.
And of course, you are most welcome. Glad you liked the article.
Neicey March 19, 2013 at 10:49 am
I understand where you are coming from, but I’ve always supported this guy from the beginning and shared his same interest even partook in those interest. He’s opened up and shared them with me, but yet he still didn’t want the relationship. He saw that I was able to be with anyone I wanted but I didn’t just want any man I wanted him. So what was I doing wrong?
Diana Weisbach March 19, 2013 at 10:48 am
See, if a man feels that you’re with him because you want a boyfriend, then he knows that he could put in barely any effort since your primary interest is in getting some empty relationship title.
That entire article made complete sense but that particular sentence grabbed my attention the most. I have been with someone who wasn’t comfortable with the “boyfriend” title so we kept casually dating. He said all the things about the future I wanted to hear but kept the title out of my reach. Granted I let a lot of insecurities show and fit your description of needy a little too well (I’m little embarrassed about it actually). I finally told him I needed to step back and get my world straight before I could include him in it. It sucked and I constantly wanted to cave but that distance was the best thing that could have happened.
After a few weeks of space I made it clear we have to platonic friends or in a relationship because the in between isn’t enough. We finally went out and talked and agreed there is something big between us worth fighting for. Once I’m done with re-evaluating my own goals/priorities/building my confidence (so that I feel like a woman worth pursuing again) we will talk about going exclusive. He knows that if he still isn’t ready then I’m not waiting anymore but I don’t get the feeling that will be a problem any more.
Thanks for continuing to give helpful advice instead of the sugar-coated generic white space filler that is everywhere else!!
Anne March 19, 2013 at 10:43 am
This is a really good article.
I was wondering if there is any specific ways in which I can let my boyfriend know I have high market value and that I’m choosing him over everyone else?
Dana March 19, 2013 at 10:35 am
Eric,
What do I do if I have already told a man I was in love with him and he did not earn it. Is it too late to go back? I’ve been seeing a man who clearly does not feel as strongly as I do, but I think there is hope. How do I get him to see me as a prize if I have pretty much already “taught” him that he doesn’t have to do much to get me to fall for him?
Hopeless romantic,
Dana
Kelly March 18, 2013 at 4:12 pm
I really loved this whole article as it definitely gave a new perspective into what universally can win a dude over just by being interested in his likes and why he likes them.
The thing that always confuses me is I feel I am a type of girl alot of guys like, and i have been told that from the guys that never ask me out because I seem out of their league. And the guys I am interested in i tend to put it all out there. I just want a clear vision on how you make yourself more “marketable” to be asked out and to be a “prize”. I feel like I’ve been told I am a prize but why is nobody going for me if i seem out of their league?
Bea March 18, 2013 at 11:54 am
Finally i got the validation that “men loves the chase” is a misleading advise and a manipulative act.You are right Eric, all other dating gurus out there says the same thing and you are the only one who has the balls to say the truth! Congrats!
Laura March 16, 2013 at 10:32 am
Hi Eric, thanks for a great article. I have a question, how do I get my guy to act lovey dovey like at the beginning of the relationship? He doesnt buy me gifts anymore and I feel like am losing his attention. He texts me when he’s bored, like late at night when he has insomnia or when he’s stuck in traffic. What can i do to reverse this?
courtney March 16, 2013 at 4:49 pm
I’m not Eric but I see how it works now, unfortunately. This is the sad part where you get to start playing games to rouse his interest again. He wants to meet on Thursday? Have other plans, even if it’s just to stay in and take a bath (rather than having amazing sex because you’re finally feeling connected and relaxed at the same time he’s checking out of the relationship because you’re too available…lame, I know.) That piques his interest, when you’re not available. That silly chase..
I guess to make it real and meaningful for you, and less of a childish game, start booking stuff for you w/o checking in w/ him. If he’s bored with you, go take care of you. Take classes, yoga, hang w/ friends, or if it suits you try something like salsa or ballroom dancing, his ears will perk right up w/ another mans arms around your waist. And it’s probably healthier than sitting around irritated and pretending to be busy. Oh, and never, ever drop your plans for him unless he’s in the hospital.
They want us to act like guys…so act like a guy and “forget” about him when he’s not in sight. Women have always been the accommodating sex, why stop now, right
vsweetiepie March 16, 2013 at 6:11 am
i love the whole idea of what u wrote eric charles, an what i just want to know is that if i am living in another country an my prince charming is living in the usa, an he wants me to be his long term partner more in terms of being his wife, he could have any woman he wants because lots of women throw themselves on him but he chose me an it is probably because i am doing something right that he likes that makes me different to the women he have dated, he now wants a wife to come home to, a wife to take care of our kids, an stay at home mom, great sex an good cook so far he loves what he sees in me as a unique prize to him, because i live in the caribbean i am indian an he is white guy, i want to know if i should allow him to buy me the plane tickets as a means of having him know he is doing something to get me, or should i just get myself there an start our life because he will be the one responsible for me financially as his woman an his wife to take care of, i love him dearly i can have lots of hot men if i want but i to chose him an he knows that too, we do share lots of things in common even though we are worlds apart because i look at all his likes on facebook, i can adjust to anyone because i explore everything, this world has to offer that a guy would possibly like i seem to see everything in this perspective to take an interest merely because i want to learn about anything new.
fatma March 16, 2013 at 5:23 am
I totally agree with the know what he likes part..
I mean me too I enjoy watching a movie that I already watched but with someone new..
Its like seeing it through their eyes & getting to hear their thoughts aboutvit always makes me happy!
So I think this point works for both sexes..
About being attractive & my value in the market. .Its a good point too..
I just learned from all the help u gave me & all the articles I read before that one could be doing everything right..but still of he doesn’t see u or want to be with u then that’s that..
The most important trick to learn is be your best self for urself first..& also to attract good guys but if he didn’t like u or treat u the way u like..u should know when to walk out with no hard feelings..
Thanks a lot eric!
Abigail Mensah March 16, 2013 at 5:16 am
hi,read ur article,luved it,bt honestly i am convinced thur isnt a man out thur for me no matter how hard i try…mayb u might say i shd take a look at maself nd ask y men cant b with me?bt is it wrong for me to want a guy to do the ryt thing?calling,nd jx mkin me feel like i mean sumfin to him,iv been thru soo many hrtbrks wif guys,nd i hate maself soo much cos am soo emotional nd it gets to me soo much,i wil admit i cum off as needy sumtyms,bt dats jx cos i hate being lonely,so wen am datin i put in everyfin,pls help me. i knw i need to value maself more bt to me its kinda hard to do wen it jx feels like no man wants to b wif me,thnk u
Ms. Unlucky March 16, 2013 at 3:25 am
I am always on your site! keep these great advice going! <3 the emails as well
Bao March 16, 2013 at 1:58 am
Great article!! Love it!! Know I understand. My boyfriend loves playing zombie games and I hate zombies because they’re scary :/. He knows I hate zombies but I played the shooting zombie games with him because I know he really enjoys having me play the games with him even though I suck at it.
Girl March 15, 2013 at 9:47 pm
Wow, I think this article is great. I still remember how one guy broke up with me because he said he doesn’t feel understood. But he had so many hobbies, I couldn’t keep up and he wasn’t really interested in sex as much as I was. Maybe we just were not a good match.
I would like to ask you about market value. Since I started taking better care of myself and dressing sexy, feeling confident, etc. I finally found out what it is like to be a woman who is in demand. Plus I’m living in a country where I am seen as exotic so I constantly get attention from guys. This is very new to me and I think I can’t deal with it properly. I really don’t know what to do when two guys are hitting on me at the same time. There was one guy I really liked but I think he was irritated by all the guys that come to talk to me in the club, by the friends who text me, etc. Maybe it looked to him as if I like playing with men but I just really have no idea what to do. I hate being rude. So how to deal with the men I don’t particularly like and how to choose the best guy? Too much choice is flattering but confusing. How to cut off a guy who doesn’t measure up but he is kind and has invested a lot. I hate hurting people. How not to look as if I’m searching for attention?
Eric Charles March 15, 2013 at 10:15 pm
You know the truth for yourself – don’t bother getting hung up on how other people might misinterpret you.
If your intentions are good, then that’s all you need to concern yourself with.
Just talk to women you know about how they turn down attention they don’t want from guys. Obviously don’t ask a girl who doesn’t have this problem or you’ll probably make her annoyed.
Girl March 15, 2013 at 10:45 pm
don’t bother getting hung up on how other people might misinterpret you – wow, that’s really good advice!!! I should constantly remind myself of it. But to be honest, I feel I’m becoming addicted to the attention and at the same time I feel bad and guilt about it. Do I have to stop thinking how not to hurt a strange guy’s feelings? Do you think I shouldn’t try to please and be kind to everyone but to cut them off if they don’t measure up? Isn’t that bitchy? I sometimes find myself giving my number to guys just not to hurt them and to get rid of them. Is it better to just say no? I find it extremely difficult.
Is it wrong to flirt with several guys at the same time? I feel guilty but I want to keep my options open as you say. And maybe I like to feel wanted. Is that wrong? Is this just feeding my ego? Or is it a normal thing for an attractive woman to do?
courtney March 15, 2013 at 9:38 pm
Finally some clarification on the ‘chase’ thing. I’ve been scratching my head asking WHY, if a man doesn’t want a woman who plays games, does he want her to play hard to get?? A huge thank you for that.
I think I see the ultimate dilemma. Women want relationships more than men. And the one who wants it more has to do more work, has to change more. Like Alison Armstrong says ‘men are not hairy women’ – and so women have to teach themselves to relate to men differently. The nuance here is that men fail to really get that women are not hairless men. Men at the deepest level have to choose who they want to be with after they get their act together in life, that’s how they roll. And so they do what Alison accuses women of – the believe women are ‘men with boobs and a receptacle’ and therefore must _choose_ him, otherwise he won’t respect her. So if he’s ‘worthy’ and she’s a catch, then he wins in the eyes of his buddies and therefore his own eyes.
So all the relationship angst in the world boils down to men having to peacock and one-up their buddies.
Nice.
Eric Charles March 15, 2013 at 10:09 pm
Men want a relationship with one special girl. The thing is, she has to be the right girl.
It’s not that men don’t want a relationship or that women want a relationship more than men. It’s that men are way more picky when it comes to who they’ll choose as their relationship partner.
The only time where this isn’t the case is when the guy believes he has no choice to begin with and settles for the one girl who showed any interest.
If a guy has the power to choose, he’ll choose the absolute best woman he can. The more women he has experience with, the more he’ll know what type of woman really is the “best”.
And the best woman, as he sees it, is the woman I described in this article.
I do agree that in relationships, the one who wants it more has to do the work. However, good and healthy relationships typically have two people who are equally “into it” – they might not start out this way immediately, but they arrive at this point relatively quickly.
Within that healthy and good relationship, though, there will be areas here and there where one person cares more than the other about a particular thing and therefore ends up being the one who has to put in the work in that area. That’s life though – if you want something, you have to put in the work (in the right places, in an effective way).
Haha… I liked the comment about “hairless men”. Yes, I think our culture as a whole would do well to massively evolve our understanding of the opposite sex, whether we are a man or a woman. We collectively have a long way to go and, frankly, we’re all in this together. Writing about it is me doing my best to help things along…
I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s about winning in the eyes of his buddies as his motivating factor. I think it’s about tapping into a man’s innate nature to strive to “win”, not to “relate”.
I don’t see it as something bad – I see recognizing a gender’s innate nature as deeply respectful and loving.
We’re able to love a dog’s nature of being a dog and a cat’s nature of being a cat… yet we struggle to love a man’s nature of being a man and a woman’s nature of being a woman.
If we want love, we would do well to love the nature of what it is we supposedly “love”.
courtney March 16, 2013 at 2:30 am
I appreciate your candid and very thoughtful posts. You dig deep and don’t run away from what’s there, like most of us. Also that you call bs when you see it (but gently). I find it all refreshing, healing, and it inspires hope that there are maybe some men out there who aren’t immature, selfish, and neurotic.
After a year and a half of hearing lies, just being told “what you want to hear” it’s so nice to get feedback. Honesty is what I wanted all along, honesty is workable whereas lies and thin air just increase anxiety (and the recent ex’s hidden drug addiction w/ all the manipulation and fun that comes in that package).
When we would finally talk, I’d share that I wanted the truth regardless of if he thought it will hurt my feelings, that I’m a big girl, they’re my feelings, and he can’t control them anyway. But I was a bit out of his league to begin with and was trying to “manage” my perception of him and boy did that backfire. It also says something about me that I talked myself out of my inutition, letting the manipulation of an addict play my growing insecurities. Chemistry truly is just anxiety in a mask.
Final thought – it has only been through meditation practice and study that I finally see how much people don’t truly *see* one another. I see how people (and myself) only have their intense, grasping projections of the other playing on their mental movie screen. People devote their entire lives to the practice of asking their “me, mine, I” to step aside and just be with another human just as they are. What you ask in this post is to try to drop “you” and really look at your man. This is one post I’ve bookmarked for future reminders.
Mrs Apollo March 17, 2013 at 7:35 pm
That comment was better than the article. You are amazing Mr Charles, well your dating advice is anyway.
Kate March 15, 2013 at 8:06 pm
Awesome article, I loved it!
Question: Is it possible for a guy to tell if a girl doesn’t like something he’s into?
Eric Charles March 15, 2013 at 8:09 pm
Yeah, a guy can definitely tell if a girl’s not into what he’s into… since she shows no interest in it.
However, I think you might be driving at: Could a woman “fake it” – could she act like she’s interested when she’s really not?
And the answer is: Yes, she could, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
For example, if you act like you love Star Wars because he does, be prepared to spend a weekend watching all six movies back to back then discussing it, then watching it every Christmas into eternity.
That’s fine if you actually love Star Wars too… and probably unbearable if you don’t actually love it.
Worse, if he “catches” you, it will be crushing to him. He’ll feel deeply betrayed emotionally – it might sound silly, but this type of thing is a major contributor to whether or not he sees a girl as a girlfriend/wifey type or not: Does she mix with his core self or not?
The key here: The best way to reconcile this is that you’re not interested in the *things* he’s interested in, but in the man himself – you’re interested in his emotions, his passion and how he engages with the world. You’re interested in his experience of things, not the things themselves.
Michelle March 15, 2013 at 7:54 pm
Liked the article. Having stuff in common with a guy you are interested is a good thing. But faking to like the things he likes will show after awhile. Prize to be won is correct but not all woman have multiple guys asking them out nor do they have time to play any type of game pretending they do. Some woman know what they want and go after it.
Like your work. Keep it up!
Eric Charles March 15, 2013 at 8:13 pm
Yeah I don’t recommend “faking it” – life’s too short, why not just find a compatible person? Or at least, find the most compatible parts of the man they’re in a relationship with and put all the focus there?
Really, it’s about being interested in him and his emotional experience – you can love his passion for cars without necessarily loving cars themselves. That’s the trick.
As for the market value point you brought up, yes, I agree. It’s not about actually going around and making yourself an item on the dating market. It’s about how you engage with the world and remembering the truth: that you really ARE choosing to be in your relationship every single day.
Just that realization alone is powerful.
Glad you like my articles. I appreciate it.
Jade March 15, 2013 at 7:48 pm
I love this! Very insightful!!
My boyfriend definitely used to try and “earn” me constantly, but I feel he’s got a bit lazy, what can I do to kick start that attitude or raise my perceived value?
Eric Charles March 15, 2013 at 8:21 pm
Return to the “you” that you were at the beginning of the relationship.
It’s been said that men fall in love with a girl hoping she’ll never change and women fall in love with a man hoping he will.
That’s mainly said as a joke, but there’s some truth to that.
At the beginning of the relationship, we put our best self out there. The focus isn’t on worry and fear of loss – it’s on our excitement to learn and experience the other person. At the same time, we see ourselves as single until we’re locked down…
Problem is, there is no such thing as “locked down”… the idea of being “locked down” suggests that a relationship isn’t constantly moving, constantly changing… it suggests a state of permanence when relationships are living and a constant choice.
The kickstart comes from getting your market value as high as possible (as if you were single) and being finding that place of curiosity and appreciation for him as a man.
Even within a relationship, men still feel like they need to wear their “game face” and hide their emotions. Being his emotional safe-haven is tremendously valuable to a man in relationship.
The tricky part is that you need to be able to listen to what he has to say without reacting to it with some negative feeling – like anger or fear or sadness or worry, etc. This is incredibly challenging, but the reality is that relationships are the best place to work on being better at handling challenging emotions.
So in a sense, this is a great area to learn and grow while simultaneously growing the bond within your relationship.
When a man feels like you truly understand him and you can be his partner even in the places that are emotional tough for him, you’ll be a partner to him in a way that nobody else in the world is.
Jade March 15, 2013 at 9:13 pm
Excellent advice, thank you so much
David March 15, 2013 at 7:28 pm
This article is very accurate. Spot on actually.
As a guy I’ve dated all different kinds of women and it wasn’t the hottest or skinniest or prettiest girls that made the biggest impression on me. The ones that I was excited about were the ones that did exactly what you wrote about. They reached me on a personal level.
Great article man, glad you’re putting this kind of thing out there.
Eric Charles March 15, 2013 at 8:22 pm
Thanks man.
Theresa March 15, 2013 at 8:57 pm
Wow, David, it is great to see that guys are interested in these types of articles! Most of all, I am happy to hear the women who made the best impression in your dating life have been what Eric describes.
I think more women need to hear such testimony because of the immense pressures on women to look and be a certain way. It is important for women to love their selves and love who they are–regardless of what the media may portray as the perfect muse. A woman loving and accepting herself is fundamental to the beginning of loving someone else.
Jen March 15, 2013 at 7:21 pm
omg!! great article eric. yes so true, my boyfriend said he fell in love with me when he found out that fight club was my favorite movie. i thought he was joking but he was kind of serious i think. hehe
Eric Charles March 15, 2013 at 8:22 pm
Haha… one of my favorites too. And he probably was serious.
Cora March 15, 2013 at 7:19 pm
I have heard that men prefer women with long brown hair and the smell of vanilla perfume. Is that true?
Eric Charles March 15, 2013 at 8:24 pm
I wouldn’t get hung up on men preferring any one particular type of anything.
Most magazines are filled with crap like that because they want to sell brown hair dye and vanilla scented perfume.
Men like women – period. And the best kind of woman? A happy woman that loves her life and loves her self.