Ask a Guy: What Do Guys Like In a Girl? post image

Ask a Guy: What Do Guys Like In a Girl?


“There’s a guy at work that I’ve been interested in for a while.  The problem is, he sends mixed signals and I can’t tell if he really is interested in me and flirting or if he’s just being friendly.

What do guys like in a girl?  What makes a guy want to date a girl versus not seeing her as “girlfriend material”?  What do men want in a woman that makes them see them as a catch?”

There are going to be differences from guy to guy, but I’m going to try and keep the discussion of “what men want” to the most universal items possible.

I think it’s important to make the distinction between what men want in a relationship and what men want with a woman.  Moreover, we also need to factor in what men want in their life.

We need to look at all three areas because they are interconnected.  When you know what men want, then you’ll naturally know what makes a man choose one girl to be his girl for the long term.

(Update: This men focuses heavily on the emotional connect elements of a relationship.  If you are interested in topics on how to attract men and what turns men on, I would invite you to read these two massively popular articles on the subject: Part 1: How To Seduce A Man and Part 2: How To Turn A Man On)

First, what do men want in their life?

This is where you’re going to find the most differences between men.  The good news is that if you know what factors are important in terms of relationships, you’ll know what to look for and what to understand about the man you’re dealing with.

Some men love sports, other men couldn’t care less about sports.  Some men love science, others are uninterested.  Some men love fitness, some love leisure, some love humor.

Every man loves something and it is plain as day if you actually look for what your man loves.  You’ll see the evidence for it in what he does with his free time and what he gets excited about.

When you know what he loves, you want to start digging to really understand the emotions he has about that particular thing.

Let’s say he loves going to concerts, or he’s really excited to go to a concert. You’d want to ask him things like, “Really, you’re going to a ::whoever the artist is:: concert?  Cool. Do you like concerts in general, or is it just because you like that artist?”  Get the answer. “What do you like about concerts/ that artist?”

When you ask men questions like this, they light up.  Guys are kind of weird with emotions; we keep them contained for the majority of our life and interactions, but when a woman wants to explore what we’re excited by, what we love or what we’re passionate about, we can’t say enough!

Seriously, don’t be surprised if a normally calm and collected guy starts gushing about how much he loves that particular thing.

All you have to do is be curious and interested in what he’s saying.  Keep asking questions and exploring what he’s saying.  Go deep and really learn about his loves, his passions, and his interests. More specifically, learn why he’s so passionate about them and what he finds interesting about them.

This will accomplish the following things:

First, he’ll be incredibly excited to tell you about his interests, loves, and passions because most  people inherently want to share the things they love with people who are interested.

Second, if you seem interested in his interests, he’ll want to bring you into his world and expose you to it.  In relationship terms, men love sharing what they love with people and having those people love it too.  In a strange way, sharing what we love with someone else makes it fresh for us again.

For example, when I have a new girlfriend, one of the first things I want to do is watch all of my favorite movies with her.

Why?  Well, I already feel that she likes what I like (chances are, she wouldn’t be my girlfriend if I didn’t see the world in a similar way as I do), so sharing the things I love with her is kind of like bringing her into my world further.  Plus, I get to vicariously enjoy my favorite things as if I was seeing them again for the first time vicariously through her.

When a guy feels that you are intensely interested in his feelings about things he enjoys, he’ll want to share with you.

The more intensely interested you are, the more he’ll want to share with you… and the more he shares, the more he’ll bond with you.

In many ways, men internally feel alone in the world.  We’re conditioned by society to never show our emotions, so we downplay all of our feelings on the surface.  When a woman is intensely interested in our feelings, we’re able to finally breathe a sigh of relief, open up and share ourselves.

This is a pathway to intimacy with guys and while it looks innocent and maybe even a little silly, it is extremely powerful with men.

By extension (and I wouldn’t start here), exploring the things that are really on a guy’s mind is a way to go really deep with a guy.

Women often miss this because they’re hypnotized by his “mask” – that is, the suave, cool, got-it-together appearance that the guy has on the surface.  It’s actually a huge mistake to engage with him on that surface level and believe that’s who he really is.

The reality is that he’s the man underneath “the mask.” He’s the man who feels emotions about the things that actually matter to him.

If you’re interested in what men really want from a relationship, then you want to make the part of himself that he hides from the world your number one focus.  Not his looks, not his surface image, not his “mask”, not his popularity, not his career, etc.

MORE: 5 Things Every Girl Needs to Know About Men

Another area to drill into is his activity passions – whether it’s business, rock climbing, playing guitar, chess, or even video games… you want to understand what drives him to love it.

Men need to feel like they’re winning in the world.

Whether it’s winning at business or even living the social life they want, they need to feel like they’re a “winner” in the areas of life that are important to them. Winning in the world essentially means that he’s getting what he wants to get out of life in the way he wants to get it.

It’s very important that you understand where in life he wants to be a winner since these are the areas of life that determine if he’s happy in life or not.  These are the areas of life that make him feel like life is good or life is bad. In short, “winning” in life is the most important thing to him.

You just need to understand what winning looks like for him because it will be different for every man.

When it comes to what men want from a relationship: men ultimately want a woman in their corner who believes in them and who always sees them as the winner they want to be in the world. Even when he feels like a loser. Even when he’s going through tough times. Even when there’s been a major setback and he feels like his world is falling apart.

When a man feels like you are the woman in his corner… the woman who gives him inspiration, strength, and confidence to compete… the woman who gives him a power to win in a way he couldn’t do on his own…

… he won’t just feel a bond with you…  He will want you with him forever.

Here’s the most important question men ask themselves in a relationship – Does being with you make him feel like more of a winner in the world than he could ever feel like without you?

I know that sounds obscure, so take a minute to really absorb that.  When you can really let that sink in, you’ll understand exactly how to reach him on a profound level that no other woman is even thinking about.

This is why it’s so important to understand what men want in life. When you understand what he wants in life, you can understand what he needs in a relationship.

What men want in a woman.

Now let’s get into the third piece and talk about what men really want in a woman. Let’s get the superficial stuff out of the way first.

First, superficial does not mean unimportant. If you ignore the superficial side of things, you will be at a tremendous disadvantage.

The smart way to go about things is that you acknowledge the superficial side of things and win in the areas where you can win.

So first, there’s sex.  Great sex isn’t going to be a relationship-maker, but it certainly is very important to men.  There are enough resources out there about being good at sex that I don’t need to delve into it here.  My point is simple: Learn to be great at sex and learn to love sex – it helps.

MORE: Exercises to Enhance Your Sex Life

Next, there’s your looks.  Sadly, women tend to pick the features about themselves that they dislike the most and focus on those.

Men, on the other hand, tend to focus on a woman’s best features.  You would do best to follow the way that men see women and focus on your best features too.

In the realm of how a woman looks, I’m all for fitness, sexy outfits, and sexy make-up. I have seen relatively plain looking women turn into super hot knockouts just by getting in shape, wearing clothes that flatter their body-type, and learning the kind of makeup look that turns men on.

You might think that this is all superficial and I don’t disagree with you.  However, this has a far deeper impact than just how he sees you physically.

It has to do with an incredibly powerful psychological motivator for men, which I call “market value.”

What do I mean by market value?  Well, it’s silly, but human nature is to want whatever everyone else wants.

You’ll hear so-called relationship experts in rag-magazines and pop-psychology books talking about how “men need a challenge” and “men love the chase”…

This advice is confusing and I often see women misinterpreting it.

The fact is, acting like a challenge for no reason or making a man chase you is simply annoying and feels manipulative.  What does work is…

Being a woman that men need to earn.

What does that mean?  It means that not every man could have you.  Only the best man can have you – the man who wins you.

See, if a man feels that you’re with him because you want a boyfriend, then he knows that he could put in barely any effort since your primary interest is in getting some empty relationship title.

However, if a man feels you’re with him because he “won” you and was better than all the other men who you could be with, then he’ll continually work hard to make sure he pleases you and “wins” you.

This makes all the difference between whether he’ll be the guy who sits on the couch all day playing video games and eating potato chips… or if he’ll put in the effort to make you a priority, take you on romantic dates, and treat you like his queen.

The trick is – you need to keep your market value high.  You need to be a woman who other men would jump at the chance to be with if given the opportunity.

Again, the reason for this is that he needs to feel like you’re a woman who’s choosing to be with him every day because he’s the best and that he’s winning you… not because you’re lonely, not because you want a relationship title, not because you “need” him.

My point here is that it’s not about a specific body type or a specific hair color or a specific look…  the factor that makes him intensely want to pursue you, keep you happy, and put effort into pleasing you in every way is  based on your market value and his perception that he’s earning you.

That’s the kind of woman he wants to be with: the woman who he feels is a prize that he won.

Granted, I went over a lot in this article and I would encourage you to re-read it and really think about everything, so go ahead and think about it.

However, it would mean a lot to me if you could leave me a comment – let me know if you have questions about anything, let me know things you liked and that helped and let me know anything else that’s on your mind.  If nothing else, leave me a short comment about anything – I just want feedback so I can keep making my stuff better and better.  Thank you.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

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Courtney

Hi Eric,

So I’m 23 and just asked someone out for the first time yesterday. Ive had two bad relationships, and honestly want something really casual with this guy from work I think is cute. Im also about to move cross country, and dont want a long distance relatiohip. Therefore I have a few questions I’m hoping you can help with.

1)I always could tell this guy liked me. I asked a guy friend to do some asking for me, and my friend said my crush reacted surprised but happy when my friend told him I liked him. My friend said I’d have no trouble talking to him. Yesterday after a few weeks, I told him he’s a cool guy and asked if he’d like to hang out outside work sometime. He said sure, yes, pulled out his phone and I just handed him my cell number. It’s been a day and he hasnt texted or called. Im very new to all this, so what should I do? Ill see him at work tomorrow and dont want it to be awkward. We’ve talked a bit but I was hoping to get more in depth on a date with him.

2) I have a feeling we will end up going out. In that scenario, is it okay to tell him I dont feel comfortable doing anything behind kissing right now? My past two relationships abused me in this area, and I dont want to scare him off with messiness or by being too prudish.

Thanks!

Reply September 27, 2016, 1:15 am

Sarah

Hi Eric –

I feel like you are the dear brother I’ve always wanted offering me much-needed advice — your articles have been immensely helpful for better understanding how men think, how men view women and view their world! It’s opened my eyes to see the mistakes I’ve been making, and comforting to recognize I’m not the only girl who has made some of these, otherwise well-intentioned, mistakes. Sincerest thanks, Eric!

I have a question. You mention that women should not neglect to wear make-up to help themselves look their best. I typically wear a minimal amount of make-up just to enhance my eyes, but otherwise I think I don’t need to wear much make-up to look pretty. But I do want to look attractive for a man. Can you offer guidance on what style of make-up most (normal) men find attractive? Natural vs Bold? Dark eyeliner? Bright red lipstick vs more subdued tones? Smokey eyes?

Thanks!

Reply September 25, 2016, 9:23 am

Eric Charles

Hey Sarah – glad to hear that. Thank you.

First off, I want to always be clear that when I recommend something, I’m recommending it from the standpoint that it will have a positive effect on getting results for you. That is to say, it is proven to be effective and if you look around, you’ll see evidence of that effectiveness all around you. So when I say that great makeup is effective, it’s not a social or political statement. It’s fact-based.

The best evidence for what men find most attractive is found in looking in places that have an exclusively male audience. If it’s a boys club, they’re going to post up pictures of what they find attractive (and advertising/media targeted to them will do the same).

In this day and age, I would not look at mainstream media at all for guidance in what men find attractive. A much better bet for clues would be any type of men’s forum or website on the internet – the less mainstream, the better (for the most part).

You’ll notice that men have a WIDE spectrum of what they find attractive and who they find attractive. So when it comes to attracting men, it’s best to think in terms of attracting the NICHE you want to attract. (I would have the same advice for men, by the way…)

So start there and I think you will be amazed at how different you find what men want versus what women-oriented media tells you.

You can trust the out-of-mainstream men’s internet, though, because they don’t have a reason to lie to you. They’re not a media outfit trying to push product to you as a woman. They have no political agenda they want to indoctrinate you with. They’re just men expressing what they’re attracted to… in all honesty, I think that women will find it to be a tremendous breath of fresh air when they witness what men are actually like.

Beyond that — you can look within these areas for women who are most like you… my concise advice used to be, “Find your celebrity dopple-ganger (twin),” but that changed as Hollywood has increasingly pushed androgeny as a recommended look for young women.

With regards to androgeny… and this is not a political or social statement… it is biologically sexually repellant to look non-female.

I know that sounds like a radical statement… and i’m not trying to be mean… but really this is something that used to be obvious: If you want to attract men, emphasize your woman-ness.

To expand that, I’m talking here about the biological signals / indicators that are female traits of health and fertility. Look at human history and look at animals… We certainly never had a problem figuring out sex (there’s 7 billion people) and all animals in existence today have done well for themselves as well.

If you like the androgynous look and you want it for yourself, more power to you. Go for it. In fact, there are some guy friends of mine that love women with the androgynous look. Just like there are some guys I know that love a woman with tattoos or any other presentation you can imagine.

In terms of anecdotes, there’s a limitless amount of “yeah buts” a person could say… so again, I’m stating that my comments here are to be as effective as possible based on real world evidence – these are not social or political statements.

And, again, I have to emphasize you should focus on the NICHE of men you want to attract – pro-Athletes (on average) tend to like one type of woman… nerdy punk rock rebel type guys tend to prefer another… musicians tend to prefer another… and so on, so forth.

But investigate for yourself — I can’t tell you which make up is best for you. I can only tell you the best place to look – one free of corporate motivations and political-agendas. Hope it helps and good luck!

Reply September 25, 2016, 1:52 pm

Pamela

Thanks a lot Eric. This article has really enlightened me now I know what my man wants. Thanks again

Reply September 24, 2016, 4:19 am

Eric Charles

You’re welcome – I’m glad to hear the article was helpful for you. Thanks for the comment.

Reply September 24, 2016, 6:50 pm

Live

Hey Eric. Thank you for all the info. You really know your stuff. I’m frustrated with a situation and I’m thinking you may know how to help me decide wether this guy is trying to come on to me or is just bored with himself lol. He’s at work. I worked with him for 3 months before any of this happened. Didn’t really know him to well. I’ll give you a few scenarios #1We almost ran into each other going into opposite ways through a door. He stopped, straightened up his back and puffed out his chest And I remember him looking at my smile and looking into my eyes for a second then as he walks around me he mumbles “hello, hello” to himself. #2 . I’m looking down then I look up and he’s walking past me with a couple of his friends he turns his head and looks straight at my boobs for at least 4 seconds. As I’m noticing him stare I keep looking at him and he takes his eyes off my boobs then keeps walking a few seconds later he turns his head to me again and I’m still looking at him so he keeps eye contact with me and tilts his head to the side a little and we hold eye contact for maybe 10 seconds. He keeps walking the whole time then once his head can’t bend anymore he breaks contact. And then I saw a huge smile come on his face. #3 I’m walking down a hallway and he’s walking facing me. Our eyes meet then his eyes go straight down to my chest then a little lower and then he tilts his head and goes back up to my chest then breaks contact. I felt a little uncomfortable so I decided to talk to him and tell him I was sorry if I had made him believe I was interested and all he could respond with is ” I don’t know what your talking about….what happened again?” So considering that he did all this stuff and acted like I was crazy. What is that saying about this situation?the crazy thing is he is married with a child and I am too. What was he trying to tell me? I’m just confused with it. I don’t know if he is making moves or if he was just thinking I might like him. What do u think?

Reply September 21, 2016, 6:43 am

Live

And another question I’d like to ask is Can a man forget holding eye contact with another person for that long? Is it possible? He wasn’t dazed or anything because he had to turn his head to me. He knows my husband to and I think I’m a little naive about it because my husband is his boss. Lol oh and he used to talk about his wife always nagging and would tell his buddies that he very rarely has sex with her. But it is always very nice to me and tries to be respectful when I’m around now that I have said something to him. I’ve caught a few looks from him but nothing that bold. He tries to make me feel like we are on the same page and that we have a ton of stuff in common and once when I said I needed to go get something he just went and got it for me himself and snuck it in my bag when I wasn’t around. Just some more info for you! Thank you!

Reply September 21, 2016, 7:11 am

Keziah

I broke up with my ex 3 months ago. I found out he was cheating on me with a girl his been dating for 3 years. After we broke up he went on a date with her to celebrate their 3 year anniversary but he told me they were celebrating 3 years of friendship which i do not believe. His cousines told me he was cheating on me with the same girl that’s the day i ended the relationship. We started talking after our break up. I asked him if he still dating that girl he refused. I asked him back he refused because he wants to concentrate on his career and he says we might get back in future (3years from now). I asked him if he really loved me and had feelings for me while we dated he said yes. Last month his girlfriend went back to school out of the country,3 days later he sent me a message saying he still loves me but doesn’t want us to get back because he doesn’t want to hate me. 2 weeks ago he confessed to me that he dated me while he was on a break with his girlfriend. I asked him why he did not tell me earlier his response was he did not why he didn’t tell me earlier. Since then we have been talking. I told him i want to get over him but I have failed to do so because he always comes back into life such as him sending 25 pictures of himself. I told him I found a rebound to get over him his response was ok. 2 days ago he said he would come see me on a Saturday but he didn’t come neither did he pick up my calls the whole day nor reply to any of my messages till today. I sent him a message telling him I would have appreciated if you picked up my calls or told me me you would not come, the journey between us ends today. Did i do anything wrong? Does he still love me? Does he want space? What’s happening? Does he still love his girlfriend who he calls the ex?
My ex won me over my previous boyfriend. Among all the guys I have dated I don’t know why it’s so difficult to get over him. Lies turn me off but everytime he lied to me i did not get turned off. Please help me. On 2 occasions he compared me to his ex just because she is intelligent and studying medicine and i am studying law and i keep repeating courses. He even went to on to say i am threatened by her which is not true. On the other hand he tells me he doesn’t seee himself marrying her in future because she is boring and that I am more interesting compared to her. I want to know why he has not responded to any of my calls and messages even though he has seen them? And is he worth it?

Reply September 18, 2016, 7:38 pm

Keziah

I love him because of his personality. We both have a sense of humour. We always make each other laugh. He carries himself in a respectful and responsible manner. He acts mature, but after all this I have gone through i am doubting if he is mature at all. When we were still dating he said even having a short conversation once a day is enough because I don’t need reassurance if his cheating. At that time i did not think he was cheating and i did not want any reassurance all I wanted was for me to talk to him just for my entertainment.

Reply September 18, 2016, 7:49 pm

Sofie M

Eric, a lot of this is true. But there are things you don’t discuss — be independent, but not too independent that he doesn’t think you’re a team with him. Be sassy, but don’t tell him what’s wrong with him unless he asks you for the opinion. Be pretty and trendy, but don’t be high maintenance. Speak your mind, but don’t create big fights in the first year.

Men are quite visual – they care about a pretty face and body over your income. They care about a warm smile and a soft tone over your job title or where you went to college.

Unfortunately, a lot of confident, successful women find this to be a tricky balance. How can we over-succeed a man without emasculating him? They want you to have a career, but they don’t (usually) want to sacrifice their careers more than you for a family.

Most of what you said is support-driven. Men want supporters. This is fine, its a symbiotic relationship – but men are not the best listeners, console’rs, or forgiving types. Especially the successful ones. I wish there was a better answer for the more nuanced city-style relationship.

Reply September 14, 2016, 12:05 am

Eric Charles

A few thoughts:

– As far as the attraction stuff goes, I have a two-part post on “how to seduce a man” / “how to turn a guy on” — Google that and you can read my thoughts on the attraction side of things

– I don’t think being a confident or successful woman has anything to do with a relationship. I know everyone wants to SAY it does, but I don’t believe it.

I don’t believe that your success has anything to do with a man feeling emasculated.

The next part you say kind of builds off the premise that they do – “They want you to have a career, but they don’t (usually) want to sacrifice their careers more than you for a family.”

… to which I have to ask, “What kind of man, or men, are you selecting for your relationship partners?”

I don’t understand… if a man wants a family and wants you to be the caretaker and wants you to downsize or quit your career for family caretaking… and you don’t want that… why are you choosing this guy?

Moreover, why is he choosing you?

There’s no balancing involved. Talk to each other, figure out what you want out of family & career and if it doesn’t line up… don’t pursue marriage/family! I’m not saying you have to end the relationship right then and there, but… if both of you have your vision for how you want things and it’s a dealbreaker that you can’t, as two adults talking, work out a solution for… then break up and find a guy who shares your values/worldview.

Similarly, if a guy is threatened by your success/career… why are you with him?

Understand that I mean this in a tough love sort of way (but tough love is still love…) — why choose someone who doesn’t line up with you?

Relationships aren’t a goal or a payoff… relationships ARE the thing you have with the person as you’re with them…

Somehow society got fed an idea that relationships are this magical thing that everyone needs to “work at” and they’re really complicated and tough and that there’s a litany of inherent conflicts between the modern man and the modern woman. This is the crap that gets babbled about in magazines.

I can tell you, as someone who’s looked at tens of thousands of relationship questions that flow through to me over the years… 95% of relationship success is SELECTION!!!!

For the sake of a thought experiment — let’s say all your premises were true (I don’t believe they are, but let’s just say they were)…

Even still, it would be your best strategy to find a guy who will line up with what you want…

Yeah, I understand that most men these days don’t even know what they want… OK, so don’t select those guys!

Yeah, I understand that there might be some guys that want you to stay at home with the kids and quit your job… OK, if you don’t want that, don’t select those guys!

Yeah, I understand that there are a few… and I emphasize FEW… men that might be threatened by a woman who’s more successful than them… because they’re threatened by *everything and everyone*? OK, why in the WORLD would you select a guy like that?

Get the picture?

Relationships are really, really easy when you don’t select guys that aren’t going to line up well with you… a good indicator – when you’re dating someone for a little while, ask yourself this: If he were to break up with me tomorrow and we were no longer dating and never would ever again, would I still like this person on a human level? Would I still find him interesting? Would I still find him good? Would I still want to be friends with him?

If the answer to all those questions is NO, then you gotta ask yourself why you’re with him right now? There is no “payoff” in a relationship — the face value of the relationship, as it’s showing up right now, is your relationship. That’s it! That’s all! It’s not some game or puzzle or hold-out or hard-to-get act. Relationships are really simple and reveal themselves in plain view.

Speaking as someone who lives in cities (and most of my readers do too… just probability-wise that’s how it works out)… the problem isn’t that the post isn’t a good enough answer for a “nuanced city-style relationship” — the problem is trying to shove a square peg through a round hole. Always has been, always will be.

If you want to have a certain “style” of relationship that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that. BUT the more picky you are with the relationship style you want, the more picky you need to be about WHO you select… select well and everything is easy and effortless (by effortless I mean that even the parts of the relationship that take work never feel like work… the whole spectrum of the relationship is joyful in its own ways, even the challenging parts)…

There are people on the internet and in magazines that love to endlessly micro-analyze every relationship PROBLEMS. I don’t care to invent problems and endlessly discuss them – I don’t have the patience for that and I believe it’s futile. I focus on solutions and I would highly encourage you to step back from how you were thinking about this and ask yourself, “What can I do, right now, to be successful and get what I want? How am I going to go get it?”

Focus on solutions. (And 95% of that solution is SELECTION.)

Reply September 14, 2016, 12:41 am

Norah

Hey! I really love your articles. They are truly helpful and I love your way of talking about men and women without making silly generalizations… Thank you also for taking the time to write these.

I have a question to ask you about a friend of mine (we’ve known each other for three years). I’m 22 by the way. My friend just broke up less than two months ago with his girlfriend he’s been with for four years (with already one breakup in between). Two weeks ago he came to my place for dinner. We had fun. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and then I asked him if he did. He told me that he was seeing someone but that it was not serious and that she’s wasn’t his girlfriend and that he was still thinking about his ex from time to time and before he left, he told me that he wouldn’t kiss me now because it wasn’t clear in his head and that I shouldn’t think that he didn’t want to kiss me. I don’t want to scare him. Would you have any advice for me ? What should I do? Is that a good thing if he didn’t kiss me? Thank you so much.

Reply September 12, 2016, 12:49 pm

UltraViolet

Hi Eric, thank you for the very insightful advice…we’ve been stuck in society and doing things like we think is good…even though I alreadt learnt things in my experiences which you mentioned here…there is some things I did not know and I’m greatful to learn from you. Keep it up. Love ur stuff. ☺

Reply September 8, 2016, 4:16 pm

Yolanda

Eric, I found myself searching for the million dollar question we all want to know.” How can I tell if he’s really into me”. I came across many of your article’s and read them all. Now Eric, I must tell you. I am a 44 year old woman. And have been married twice. And divorced both times. My last hitting its 16 year mark that I have been single. Now I have had relationships here and there. And now I find myself back in the dating ” Area with online dating apps. I really do hate the whole dating game. I feel I know nothing more than I did when I was 16 about men. Until now… Eric I haven’t tried your advise as of yet..but I am eager to put it to the test. I actually found it very insightful. And I look forward to writting you back to let you know what happens. Thank you, Eric

Reply August 25, 2016, 12:16 pm

Eric Charles

Great! Thank you for that message, and yes, let me know.

Reply August 25, 2016, 1:00 pm

Ash

Thank you for that article, the advice is really insightful, although I do have a question about the guy I’m talking to.
We haven’t known each other long, we met through a big group of friends and went on a weeks long camping trip together. On the trip we really got to know each other, flirted and joked a little and since I was the only single girl there, he definitely paid extra attention to me by hiding my items or sitting on me or deliberately ripping me off and getting a reaction out of me. Once we went home we talked for two weeks straight and then things started to dwindle. But eventually he wanted photos from me. He didn’t pressure me but just suggested what type he liked. I didn’t send him any nudes but he saw me wearing things like workout clothes or underwear and then it all stopped. Then when we went to another event together he picked up where we left off, sat next to me and only spoke to me. Then when we started to message again after a bit he wanted photos again but didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want. What does this mean ?

Reply August 24, 2016, 4:57 pm

Natalia

Great advice, as always, Eric! I will be re-reading it more than once! Straight to the point!

Reply August 24, 2016, 12:58 am

Stephanie

We’ve been dating for almost 2 yrs and I feel some type of way when he puts his Family in front of me all of the time! Am I wasting my time or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Reply August 14, 2016, 9:04 pm

Bee

Thank you for a great article..
I find it very helpful..:)

Reply August 6, 2016, 10:21 am

brandi

my boyfriend asked me what I consider to be the next level for us I said marriage and He said the next level for us would be deep conversation and that we’re not ready for marriage could you explain that to me

Reply August 1, 2016, 11:45 pm

John

First off – how long have you been going out? Less than a year (and maybe even 2 years) and I doubt you are on the same page.

2nd it means exactly what you said – deep conversation. Men usually don’t progress as fast as women emotionally in a relationship. You’ve probably already went through this stage but he’s getting there now which for a man is a HUGE deal. Don’t mess it up by pressuring marriage. You mentioned it which is fine but don’t keep bring it up or hint at it – guys might bolt if they feel pressured to ask.

How old are you two? If you are pretty young it is rare in this day and age to get married. Most people get married in their 30’s now. Having said all this if you are in your 30’s and been dating for 5 years it might be time to consider breaking up.

Reply August 5, 2016, 1:55 am

Deborah

Eric, keep up the great work. Somewhere along the way, we made relationships difficult and confusing. You’ve brought it down to what’s important – love and remind us of the reason why we are searching for it. Being open to it, loving ourselves and accepting it. If we listen to what’s true in our hearts and follow, we’ll find it. If you have to work for it, play games, be someone you are not…then that’s not the right love for you. I’ve read most of your articles and love them. Thank you for making a difference.

Reply August 1, 2016, 11:52 am

Ada

One thing about superficial aspects: not all guys like the same outfits or makeups… My ex likes my girly outfits and sexy make-ups. The guy I’m currently seeing is really into my sport shorts and he also mentioned that “I’m already good enough without make-up.”

Reply July 29, 2016, 12:57 pm

Deisy

This opened up my eyes but what do you do if you feel its too late to change?

Reply July 28, 2016, 7:07 am

Someone special.. I think :)

I’m looking for advice and why does your name have to be the name of my ex?!!
Arggg!!
So trying to get over him.
He thought I thought he was a toy ..
He never was.
I love him deeply and can’t date anyone bc of him.

Reply July 22, 2016, 10:29 am

CH

Eric, I really enjoy reading your writing and getting a man’s perspective on issues that us women often think about. I was in a relationship for 5 years (only serious one I’ve been in) and that relationship ended about a year ago. I just recently met a man online and I ended up sleeping with him on the first date. I really like this guy and I think there may be potential for us to mesh well. I’m a bit worried that any chance for a relationship may be ruined but reading your articles helped to put me at ease and I’ve learned some things that I will put to use going forward. I’m also just going to hope for the best and do what I can, but if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be comfortable moving forward knowing that we just weren’t meant to be.

Reply July 19, 2016, 2:51 pm

trace

Thank you for your insight,a mans point of view is extremely helpful. Ive dated a man for 9 months,he is very good to me. He was married for 30 years,so dating is foreign to him it seems. He does try. However I was with him over a 4 day and night period,in which there was effort put forth by me sexually but hardly any by him towards me,totally different than usual. Ive brought it out in conversation and we get interrupted (phone calls) and its not brought up by me or him.What is your opinion,we have discussed long term /future relationship,but this makes me second guess things on going forward. Thanks for your time T

Reply July 18, 2016, 5:38 pm

Vibi

Eric, your advice is probably the most in alignment with what I’ve learned over the years about what all men and women have in common as human beings, how our brains work and how we make choices about relationships. It’s a real wake-up call for people who’ve had a steady diet of Rom-Coms and pop songs that foster delusions and just plain ol’ laziness when it comes to relationships. I did your quiz because I’m in a “does my friend want more from me or not?” situation and I’m taking your advice over tons of other websites and giving him space to figure things out. In the meantime I’m going to work on myself, make my life even more amazing and satisfying and if he comes around and finally makes a move, great! If not, I cannot lose. I just recently read a book called, “the Male Brain” and what you say about men needing to feel like they’re winning, plus how they need physical attraction, is pretty spot-on. For women who think they can just show up without working out or dressing well etc. and feel entitled to a man’s love, WAKE UP. A good man deserves to feel good about his choices, just like women do. Likewise, if a guy insists he can’t be happy unless a woman looks a certain way and you don’t have those characteristics, MOVE ON. Nobody wins if you pursue a man who may very well accept a relationship with you because you were really persistent and he doesn’t want to hurt you. Nobody deserves the misery that comes from that situation. I should know, I married the guy who wanted the girl that I wasn’t. We should have just stayed friends. Instead we drove each other crazy for years. If I had worked on myself instead, I would have probably found a guy who was really, really crazy about me, not just accepting of me because I wouldn’t leave him alone. Thanks so much Erik, for being a voice of reason in the sea of silly pandering. Your partner in crime has excellent advice, too! If I can offer some constructive criticism, though, that goofy movie has to go. Who’s got time for an endless scrolling tease when they could be reading really sound advice? I think you’re better than that — ditch it.

Reply July 12, 2016, 12:42 pm

BOOM

I will leave a comment. Although I believe all of this is true in the general sense, it is a little upsetting to aspire to be a “prize.” I mean, I get it, but part of my soul opposes it. I don’t want to be a prize. I don’t want to be on a market. I want a partner to go through life with. I can look through my failed relationships and point to a variety of things that I did “wrong.” They were all sincere efforts to know someone at a real level and love them for who they were. I want a friend, partner, and lover. It may be asking too much.

Reply July 1, 2016, 7:31 pm

Eric Charles

No – definitely not too much to ask… and nothing wrong with wanting what you want.

To be honest, over the years I’ve shifted how I express some of my concepts. Ultimately, my approach and opinion have remained the same: I want to help people by telling them what works and what is effective.

In that way, there were certain concepts that people would ask about or talk about that are not as discussed nowadays. The “problem zone” has shifted and the preferred phrasing of the answer has shifted as well.

Six years ago, people were frequently asking me to talk about the concept of neediness. I didn’t really like the concept or the general discussion around it, but I figured that it would be good to discuss it since it was what people wanted to know and I could at least speak on the subject in a way that empowers people to get better results in their lives.

If it were up to me, though, I never would have ventured to talk about neediness since a lot of what I talk about precludes neediness from being an issue if you approach a relationship effectively.

In that same way, I’ve gotten away from talking about “being the prize” these days. It’s not wrong, conceptually, but I’ve more recently found better ways to convey what’s ultimately effective in relationships… I’ve found a way to address things from a higher level so that all of the positive aspects of “being a prize” are occurring naturally and automatically.

These days, I would phrase the discussion like this (and I’ll just briefly give my bullets for it):

1) Your relationship success is 95% determined by WHO you select. So be picky and choose a guy who’s what you want… don’t pick a guy that “has potential” if XYZ were different. Choose what you want and if he’s not, DON’T choose that guy. This doesn’t just mean his attributes or how he looks “on paper” — I’m also talking about his dynamic with you and how you’re relating is naturally occurring, without you having to do something to get the relationship to be a certain way.

2) Be your best self – this means that, yes, you put effort into your appearance… but also your MOOD. Make your mood your top priority – live in a happy way. “Live happy,” so to speak. Your mood determines your vibe and your vibe determines how much love you’re attracting (not just from your guy, but from everyone). When you make your mood your priority and you allow happiness to be your guide, it becomes really easy to naturally and effortlessly attract love into your life. You won’t even need to think about it.

Follow those two things and your love life will just work — super simple.

The only reason I have a career in this is because most people want to shove a square peg into a round hole… they want to force something to work instead of choosing a guy and dynamic that’s already going to just simply work naturally.

So your comment is actually completely on the right track. So go for it! 🙂

Reply July 2, 2016, 12:53 pm

Jayne

1) True, but sometimes we don’t know what we want. 2) Your best advice. When I find myself unhappy about something, I have taken your advice and looked inward. It’s usually insecurity or fear on my part. Then I choose happy and have actually been told I am fun by the person with whom I thought I was having an issue. “Live happy” works! Thank you, Eric.

Reply August 1, 2016, 5:53 am

Jay Cornish

Hey Eric, I’m a father with 3 young adult daughters, (happily married for 20 years last month!) and from time to time, I come across articles like yours on sites like this one and check them out to see exactly what kind of {nonsense} they are shoveling into the world (my daughters read stuff like this, instead of going by the advice I give them sometimes…) Suffice to say, your article is the first one I have come across in a long time that hits that nail on the head – pretty much. Everything you have said is the truth, but you left out the MOST important thing (especially after having thrived for 20 years with a high market-value woman): it’s the attitude, silly! A woman’s attitude is the be-all, end-all: it’s the thing that will make a man want to approach and stay, or make him jump out of a 3rd floor window to escape…

Attitude is the underlying foundation for everything you have stated Eric, and when it comes down to it, [ladies] attitude informs and influences everything a man is drawing upon to approach, win, love and keep a woman. It’s on the same token as why men actually cheat (that winning & losing crap is for weak men, BTW), a GOOD man is drawn to a woman with a good attitude: it turns a “7” into an “11”, but a bad one turns a “10” into a “5”! (Conversely, a man who is drawn to a bad attitude has a mental instability — like immaturity or a sociopathy… I mean, really, who seeks out drama like that?!?)

Anyway, a positive, engaging, enthusiastic, and appreciative attitude will trump ALL of a woman’s other myriad good traits (and make her VERY irresistibly sexy), especially when sometimes all he has to draw on to approach (or keep him out of another woman’s arms) are a genuine smile, beautiful eyes and spectacular attitude behind them both. When a guy has that to draw him in or anchor him, he’s all in and ain’t going anywhere!

Reply June 30, 2016, 10:38 pm

Dawn Burdon

I’ve been chatting to this guy for three months now, we’ve met up only twice in that time he seemed very interested at first but there is a huge age gap and he is unsure of how he feels about it, he admitted this. A few weeks ago he joking said by text he thought a friend of mine was realy hot so I replied “gone off me then” he then replied “why do I fine myself in an awkward possition” to which I replied “just friends then” which he didn’t reply to. We’ve continued to chat since then and its been him mostly starting the conversation off. I need to know do I give him space or continue to chat ? How do I let him know I’m still interested without coming across as needy and desperate ?

Reply June 28, 2016, 8:55 am

chimz

i really enjoy your article it is so captivating. My boyfriend has so much interest in me but i get too emotional and it dos put him off. i don’t want to loose him, how can you help me? Advice.

Reply June 28, 2016, 8:27 am

marry

Thanks for your advice.. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 25 years old he always talking about break up and he likes to say bad things to me,,,he says he don’t want to leave me and he says he loves me but I don’t think if he really mean it.. Does he loves me truly??

Reply May 25, 2016, 1:26 am

Mary

Thank you for your really good and insightful articles. I am a widow, aged 60. My “ex Boyfriend” is 65. He left his life behind, half a world away, to be with me. Then he left me after 6 months. Then 5 weeks later came back to me. Then after 4 weeks, he left me again. The reason he wanted me was because he knows that I am a winner and he has always felt like a loser in life. I inspired him to be the best man he ever could be and beyond … He loved the way I understood his goals, aspirations and dreams. The way I supported and encouraged him. The way I was his biggest cheerleader! So, why did he run away? Twice??

Reply May 23, 2016, 1:36 pm

Lou

I really enjoy your columns. I find them eye-opening and straight to the point.
Your frankness is priceless

Reply May 19, 2016, 11:52 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Lou!

Reply May 20, 2016, 10:13 am

jacky

hi ..
tq for this article.i want to ask something..i have meet someone..1st month ,he always call and chat with me…2nd month ,he just call me or chat me sometimes…but when he come to my workplace ,i see him have interest in me..but im not very sure..can you help me how to know either he really like me or what..tq

Reply May 12, 2016, 6:10 am

Classylady

Today, I am feeling so tired. I have been reading all the help tips about relationships and I still feel like a woman of convenience. We work together and he works 2 jobs, has no time and is exhausted all the time, so I am so tired of doing all the work. Our relationship has died down and while I am trying to be supportive and encourage him, I am beat. I am a very upbeat gal and have lots of friends; however, I am a giver and I think that is hurting me. I am trying to hold back from that, but it is hard for me and I do it without thinking. He is very handsome and women are always throwing themselves at him. I think I have given up at this point. I am tired of the cancellations and promises that he does not keep. I get my hopes up and then they come crashing down. I stay busy and do other things but I am disappointed. My friends don’t like to go out at night and I love getting out, so I am not at a very good market to meet other guys. I am so sorry to be so negative, it is nothing to do with your advice, I think your advice is wonderful. I am tired of being the one that has to do all the work. I know he likes me, but maybe that is what it is, he likes me and that is the furthest it is going to go. I have been so upbeat through this whole thing, and now, I am beaten down. It is too much work! 🙂 Thanks for listening.

Reply May 6, 2016, 9:38 am

Brooke

How/what does a girl do to make a guy feel as though she is the prize? That he doesn’t want to let this one get away?

Reply April 29, 2016, 2:43 pm

Randi

the information is very enlightening.. my only question at this point is how do you show a man your “market value” I understand that he wants to know that I am choosing him but how would he know that other guys are even interested. Again thank you for putting it into a perspective I wouldn’t have thought of.

Reply April 13, 2016, 1:57 pm

Giannina

This is a really good article, so technically what your saying is a woman should really learn how to belive in herself be happy with her life and love herself a men will be interested in that and want to be with her because she can help him grow she inspires him to do better ….a man wants to be with a woman who enjoys loving herself and influences others to do the same…. of course not being boastful or having too much pride but Embracing every part of you….who wouldn’t want to be with someone who believes in themselves ….so it really isn’t about looks or how smart or talented you are that guys care about ?

Reply March 28, 2016, 10:33 pm

Eric Charles

It’s great to have looks, smarts and talents… but if a person is miserable, it’s going to repel everyone from wanting to be around them.

So this is why I say making your mood the primary focus of your life is so important for relationships: you could “have it all” and still repel everyone if your mood is miserable. Conversely, if your mood is great, it will shine through all of your other great qualities and you will shine brightly and attract love from every angle.

Reply March 30, 2016, 10:29 pm

Carrie

Eric-
The article is great. Precise and on point. I totally get what you are saying and although I thought I understood men, I was missing the final piece of the puzzle (the winning part).
One question/problem though….what if you really don’t like the same things he does? For example…my ex liked fantasy/sci fi. I like drama. I would always agree to watch the movies he liked (doesn’t matter to me)…but I can’t really pretend I actually dig “chronicles of riddick” when I don’t. What do you do in that type of situation?

Reply March 18, 2016, 3:47 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks, glad you liked it.

To your question: Those kinds of preferences aren’t important to relationship success. As long as you aren’t making him feel bad about what he likes, just let him enjoy those movies on his own – don’t pretend. When it comes to entertainment, that’s highly personal and for the stuff you’re not into, let him watch it with his friends… if you’re going to watch a movie, pick something you both like.

Reply March 18, 2016, 3:58 pm

Jamie

Noted. I had the same question. I also wanted to point out that there was a particular advice you gave made me stop reading for (I’m not kidding) five long seconds. You said not to focus on his career.

I might have misunderstood that. I’m not interested in what bacon he brings home for himself. But since in the culinary business I assumed (bad word I know) it’s his passion. We do talk about it at times but it’s almost very superficial (this is what happened today) versus deeper passion (what he really loves about it).

I’m passionate about music. What I listen to has a deeper connection in my overall self.

This is the conversation I want to have. I feel I’m asking the wrong questions.

Where do I begin? Better yet, how do I start?

Reply March 20, 2016, 8:26 pm

Carrie

Perfect…exactly what I did! Sometimes all the do’s and dont’s get a little overwhelming…..
Enjoy the advice overall…I’m pretty good at understanding that men are not women, but insight from the other sight that can give you a leg up is always needed/helpful!

Reply March 21, 2016, 7:57 am

Felicia

Thanks for the article! It really helps! I have one question, and it is a bit long.
– To all the guys out there, I’m going to put you through a hypothetical situation.

So, there are three very beautiful girls standing side by side. Each one has an entirely different personality, but they look identical. The first one is extremely confident and outgoing. She knows she is beautiful, smart, and an amazing person, but she can seem a little bitchy at times. She can also seem self-conceited, even though she doesn’t try to. The second one is very shy, and she doesn’t feel pretty at all. No matter how many times you compliment her, she refuses to believe it. She is kinda depressed, although she does an amazing job of hiding it. She is very sweet, and has an amazing heart, and she will love someone to the point that she doesn’t care about anyone but them. She is the kind of girl who would help everyone, despite the fact that she is in serious need of help herself (but she would never ask). Then the third girl is very complicated. She knows that she is beautiful, but sometimes she refuses to admit it. Sometimes she doesn’t feel pretty, and other times she does. She likes to joke around about it too. She seeks attention, so sometimes she says she is ugly just to hear someone say she isn’t. She is hyperactive but also calm. She is humble but confident, and she is very smart. She is a sweet person, but sometimes a little bitch can show up. She immediately apologizes and feels bad if she says something rude, or if she hurts someone. She tries her best to fix broken friendships (even if they are beyond repair) She alway tries to help, and she puts others before herself. A little greediness can show up once in a while, and sometimes she cries over random things. She is emotional and moody. When she is in a relationship, she loves with all her heart.Her heart is very fragile. When it gets broken it takes forever to heal, and she builds bigger walls every time. She is both shy and outgoing, depending on the situation.

Now that you have the details, I would like to know which girl you like the most. Remember, all of them are gorgeous in your eyes.

Reply March 13, 2016, 11:09 pm

MT

Thanx for your advice, this one and the others 🙂

I`m a grown up woman who has seen a man for a year now. We have a sort of relationship,but not in public.We talk and text on telefon,meet each other for dinner or just a cup of coffee.I sleep over once in a while. He knows I want a relationship with him,but that I know that he isn`t there. He knows that I want to make plans with him, want him to make me a priority.
He has told me things from a earlier relationship.I don`t think he is done mentally whit that, despite it is years ago.He has had hope for a new start. I don`t think,but who knows, he still wants her.He says he don`t have the motor for a relationship. He just want it/us the way it is,and see what happens.

I am a woman that don`t give up easilie,but i don`t want to be a doormat either.
I just don`t know what to do?
I think he is a man that needs time to trust a woman again,but do you think i just hope to much?

I have read your advices for a time,thanx 🙂
hugs from me,marie

Reply March 2, 2016, 4:08 pm

Carrie

You are already being a doormat. Cut him off. You don’t see each other in public? That is NOT a relationship. Period. End of conversation. Unfortunately, as Eric points out in his article you need to make yourself be “high value” and letting him get away with what he is …well, that is the opposite of high value. Stop asking him. You have your answer. Yes, you are hoping too much. Let him go.

Reply March 18, 2016, 3:43 pm

MT

Thank You for your answer. I can see why your answer is like that.
I wonder still….., I think of myself as a woman with “high value”,really, but if someone has bad experience with relationship,really burnt,don`t you think they will need some time, probably a long time, before they trust a woman again….?
I wonder if we humans are to busy finding love, so we miss someone good, kind and gentle along the road……

I asked for advice. Your answer is to cut him off. It`s answer that are finally for him and me. Whom are you Carrie?

Reply March 20, 2016, 4:36 pm

Tansey

It was helpful, but me and my guy been together for 3years he disrespected me and I told him it’s not going to work. 3weeks we got back together, but he stated that he was moving on so I was hurt about that. We talk but he want me to fulfill his needs, then we can move on to the next step. Need advice? Thanks

Reply March 2, 2016, 11:11 am

Marlina

Hi Eric ,
I found this web site recently and just can’t get enaf its truly great source of really spot on information’s.
I’m healing as woman of different hurtful periods and now whan I learn how to love my self I would love to be kick as woman in body shape and mind !!
So thank you for truly great source of spot on information’s! 🙂

Reply February 27, 2016, 11:04 am

Cee

I always find your articles insightful , keep up the great work !

Reply February 24, 2016, 1:03 am

Harre

I really liked ur ” market value” idea…great !!! …u have very technical observation of relationships…

Reply February 24, 2016, 12:45 am

Chanel

Ha ha! Market Value! Love it! True.
I could not agree more with most above statements. No one is attracted to desperation. Neediness. Etc. I never, allow a man to believe / think he is my only option . . He rarely is . .
I live a full, juicy, vibrant life outside, of dating.
More, than one man at a time (non sexually) until exclusive.
Anyhow, great article and I agree with points.
Have a good evening!

Reply February 22, 2016, 11:01 pm

John

“In relationship terms, men love sharing what they love with people and having those people love it too. In a strange way, sharing what we love with someone else makes it fresh for us again.” I love this. I actually even like just imagining showing someone something I truly enjoy, for this reason – it feels new each time.
“We’re conditioned by society to never show our emotions, so we downplay all of our feelings on the surface.” YES. It’s not that men are emotionless cretins, we just think we have to play the game in order to succeed.
“The fact is, acting like a challenge for no reason or making a man chase you is simply annoying and feels manipulative.” So much YES. Especially if the guy tends to be more introverted, i.e. finds being around people tiring. He’s already seriously gone out on a limb by telling a girl he likes her; being evasive and playing hard to get at that point is, at best, a disappointment to him and comes across as a brush-off, and at worst, he may interpret it as the girl making fun of him when he’s at his most vulnerable.
I disagree about sex being such a high-priority item in relationship building. Based on my own observation and experience, if sex comes first, the relationship tends to stop there and not develop any further, 1. because sex has a way of preoccupying the mind, and 2. the desire for future sex discourages disrupting the status quo by revealing and dealing with your mutual quirks and deeper personalities. Sex is better thought of as dessert, after the “main course” of a healthy and strong relationship based on putting the other person first and mutual understanding; and like dessert, it’s not healthy to indulge in it to the exclusion of other things.

Reply February 19, 2016, 1:35 am

Eric Charles

Hey man, thanks for the comment.

My stance on sex has always been than it doesn’t matter when a woman does, but rather, why she does…

If she sleeps with a guy because she thinks it will some how “hook him” and make him want her more… yeah, I agree with you. The problem isn’t the sex, though, the problem is that she thinks his interest will only be there (or be as high as it is) if she uses sex as a bargaining chip.

On the other hand, if she has sex with him because she wants to and isn’t try to use it to get something out of the exchange, then it’s not a problem.

The philosophical belief of whether or not it’s a good idea to have sex early on is a loaded issue for a lot of people. So I don’t focus on that – that’s personal for the individual.

After talking to many thousands of men and women, I can tell you there are more examples than I can count of happy committed couples that had sex on the first date. They committed to a deeper relationship not because of the sex, but because of the relationship.

My opinion on it (and all of what I write is just my opinion) is that it puts the focus on the wrong things. When a woman buys into the idea that WHEN she has sex is the ultimate factor in whether or not she’ll get a relationship, it takes her focus off of being good at relationship and puts it on something silly and irrelevant: when she has sex.

Worse, it maintains the false idea that the most valuable aspect of her is her sex and not the actual reasons why a man would want to choose her as a woman to connect to.

Reply February 19, 2016, 4:46 pm

Jamie

Loved the introvert statement. Intorvert women are the same. It actually took a lot of energy for me to tell a guy that I felt that he was holding back. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have exposed myself like that. I would’ve walked away and said good day to you. He’s not ready. But I’m sure he’s just not that into (me).

Reply March 20, 2016, 8:43 pm

dfine

My live in boyfriend of 2 years issed me goodbye one morning to play golf with friend, said he loved me then didnt come home for 4 nights. We did have the not ready talk the night before, but he said he didnt want to brreak up and I was the one. He thad told me he bought the ring I picked out but wasnt ready to get married. I told him we could still engaged and have a long engagement. Two weeeks before he he gave me a card that said he couldnt imagine life without me and he was looking forward to the future. He knows I hate it when he goes out and doesnt come home becausse he drank to much. He was ignoring my 2 phone calls and my texts asking him what was going on and why he wasnt coming home. He responded he was fine and would be home later, then didnt come again and I saw pictures with him out with friends. He was spending days and nights at his parents and his sisters. So on the 5th day I packed his stuff up, found the ring and took evverything to his parents. He did text that afternoon saying he was coming to change for work and no other comment. By then I had changed the locks and had his things packed. I gave the ring to his mom and his things said I didnt know what happened, but deserved a conversation. He has never talked to me since and it has been 3 months. We loved each other and had a plan for the future. Should I have moved him out or waited? This has happened before and we had broken up in the past because of similiar issues. We are both the 27. I am an RN and getting my masters. He has another year to get his undergrad and is a bartender at our country club where my family belongs, where I met him. I have reached out and he responded that we could get our schedules together and talk. I sent him some times, but he never called. Im just trying to understand how we could from A to Z like that….and what happened after he kissed me goodbye said he loved and left with the clothes on his back. I kknow he was planning on coming home when he left! Was it a little of both….afraid to come home and face mefor not coming home and not ready conversation.

Reply February 16, 2016, 9:37 am

Deb

This read was point on! Great read….

Reply February 13, 2016, 9:44 am

michelle

For myself I can’t attract a fly if I try ok I don’t try to make myself look sexy or anything and basically I don’t have a fun,fulfilling life I’m just a plain at home mother but no guys ever notice me which makes me want to give up about love and men in general but maybe you can give me some advice about attracting someone thanks.

Reply February 9, 2016, 8:10 pm

Tammy

All very true. It’s funny because it takes a lot of bad experiences to realize what men want. When women stop over analyzing their moves and a stop caring about a guys intentions Is when we can actually enjoy the relationship for what it is and stop depending on it for happiness. When we live in the moment with the guy and treat them like just another person who’s company we enjoy- that’s when they 0connect most. Because they think of you as a positive moment in time and then want to spend more time with you. Weirdest of all is: I only recently discovered this myself, with my new guy.

Reply February 6, 2016, 9:38 am

Bridget

As a woman with a life of her own, takes care of herself physically, a mother of an almost 22 yr old boy; I will tell you, you hit every nail on the head Eric! I appreciate every article (still have many to catch up on) to the fullest. Some women just don’t get that you have to keep in mind what the man chased them for in the first place & if that gets pushed aside & the man walks away or worse then they often wonder why things don’t work out. A woman should want to keep her man interested at all stages in the relationship. Thank you for sharing so much about yourself & men in general, I wish I knew some of this sooner but it won’t stop me from trying to learn & grow from these articles regardless of my situation. Keep up the great work!
Cheers

Reply February 2, 2016, 2:19 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot – I really appreciate you taking the time to send that comment and I’m glad you liked the article.

Reply February 2, 2016, 9:29 pm

Mackenzie

Hey Eric,
I have looked at your Facebook page mainly out of curiosity, and I am starting to see why you have the point of view you do. Not to say I disagree with what you are saying I agree whit a lot of it. But you seem to have this opinion of how you like woman to look and make it out to be that this is how most men feel. With that said most men don’t like the life style you do. You go to clubs and major party cities where the way women look are top notch because it’s their job to be sexy that’s what attracts the men to those places. In everyday life for the average American man they aren’t going to see model looking women everywhere. So I wonder do most men really feel this way or do you write about what you like because it is your job, to share your knowledge of what men want. Also I am sure the men you are around like a similar lifestyle to you weather they are married or not. I feel that most men do want women who are completely themselves but still take pride in their appearance. I feel like an ugly hater who rags on beautiful women, which is not the case you can look on my Facebook I am not. But I am also who I am and if a man isn’t happy with the way I dress or look that’s their problem. I take pride in my looks and try, but I’m not trying for a man I am trying for myself. Also I have been asked by my boyfriend many times why I try so hard and spend time doing my make up and hair when I am a mom and no one expects me to, he says I should just be natural. So my question to that is why does he say that? Does he really like me to look more natural or is it the matter of the time or does he think I’m trying to impress other men? I hope to hear your I out on this!
Thanks,
Mackenzie

Reply January 27, 2016, 1:48 am

Eric Charles

Hey Mackenzie,

I’m very careful about what I say to women regarding physical appearance because in this day and age society has become super sensitive to it. I mean, before if a guy mentioned a woman’s weight or appearance, it was a impolite… now apparently it’s an offense punishable by public ridicule followed by a public hanging.

Let’s be really clear about what my stance is (and always has been):

I’ve said a woman’s physical appearance has an impact on a guy’s level of sexual attraction to a woman. Sexual attraction is an important factor in a relationship, but far from the only important factor.

I’ve said that different men are attracted to different types of women appearance-wise, so instead of aspiring toward trying to attain some particular appearance in order to be more attractive, a better pursuit would be to look your best for you, your body type, your face shape, etc. There is nothing insulting about that… really, in a world where TV, movies, general media and ads are spreading the opposite message, I imagine what I’ve said would come as a relief.

And as far as anything I’ve said about being in shape or losing weight goes… don’t put that on me. Talk to a doctor – the doctor will tell you that being overweight and/or not physically fit has dire health consequences. It’s in anyone’s best interest to make fitness a high priority in life and looking more attractive is a happy bi-product of what’s far more important: your health.

You’re talking about what I’ve written as if I’m making some superficial remarks about a woman’s appearance when I know I’ve been super careful over the years not to do that. Even still, you were saying it’s my job to be honest about what men want and I don’t think I’m saying anything groundbreaking when I say that men are visual and your physical appearance makes a difference in how physically attracted he is (so hair, makeup, fitness, etc. make a difference). It would be a disservice to pretend like that wasn’t the case.

As for me and my lifestyle, I think you’re really misreading the situation. First off, I’m a huge introvert and I would much rather be at home relaxing than at some loud club or bar. Just because the pictures I have up are of me when I’m out (on business trips or whatever) doesn’t mean that’s my lifestyle. If you knew me, you’d know if anything I’m a workaholic and that working hard characterizes my life more than anything else.

I hold the same standard for myself and my own body – make fitness a priority, look as good as I can look (as best I know how) and after that… don’t worry about it. Some people will find me really attractive, some will find me really unattractive, some won’t have a feeling about me one way or another. Same goes for everyone.

Reply January 27, 2016, 6:55 pm

Mackenzie

Saying loose weight or dress sexy is insulting, I am a mother of two I have been pregnant the past two years. I am not heavy set but I do weigh more than before I had children. I feel this is how shallow men feel. I think no matter your size or how you look it’s not about looking like a celebrity but showing you put effort into the type of woman your man is attracted to. Maybe that’s a better way of putting it. My man hates heavy make up and sexy clothes. He is far more into me dressing casual or even sporty. It all comes down to the same thing pleasing your man. But if you are with a man who needs you to be thin or look like a Kardashian then you are not with the right man unless that’s what you want. Being healthy is far more important than being thin ( and no they are not the same thing ). It’s men who say things like dress sexy and loose weight that make women insecure, even if they just imply it.

Reply January 27, 2016, 1:07 am

amandeep

Being a prize or a trophy doesn’t feel good either. At least not to me. It feels shallow after a while. Ofcourse I’ve got higher self esteem.

Reply January 19, 2016, 11:03 am

Miss Nell

Encouraging

Reply January 18, 2016, 11:19 pm

Natasa

I’ve read some of your articles and you are really good. However, I am not sure young girls will understand it cause this is something that comes with experience in life.
Wish I had read this 10 years ago, it would have made my life considerably easier then ;-).

Reply January 16, 2016, 4:50 pm

joy

this is very insightful and it explains everything…i can’t stop reading your articles.

Reply January 10, 2016, 12:29 am

Kizzy

Wow you hit the hammer on the nail. I truly. See where I’m going wrong in my relationship.. I’m the prize. I don’t a man I choose to be with one. Gotta up my market value. Than for this article

Reply January 8, 2016, 6:55 pm

vamsi

oh, my god what a article , Such a nice article really nice………

Reply December 31, 2015, 1:17 pm

Shirley

I think the article vividly points out why most of my female friends have one failure after another in relationship, and they always end up in the same way: mostly the guys started out being interested, but lose interests fast and eventually walk away. My friends would think of themselves as victims used, abused, and abandoned by these “bad” guys. But the real problem isn’t the men most of the time, it’s really the lack of self confidence, desperation, and title seeking in women. Most of the women devalue themselves without knowing it, and they rarely think about what they can offer in a relationship. The sex, the looks both can encourage relationships, but neither can keep men or sustain relationships.

Reply December 24, 2015, 2:30 pm

Scarlett

Dear Eric,
I have been reading your articles and you keep saying, wear makeup and be feminine. I used to wear makeup but recently, there has been such a hype going around that men like women with no makeup at all. Apparently they think when you put makeup on, either you are hiding something or trying too hard, which comes off as a turn off. Do you agree? I used to love wearing makeup but now I hardly wear any, im scared that men will think im trying too hard. And I know how much is too much, I just like enhancing my best features. So my question to you is what makeup look do you think is sexy, playful, nice? Do you think women are trying too hard when they put makeup on? How much would be too much in your opinion?
Yes, I could go look at men’s magazines, but I want to hear your opinion! 🙂
Thanks Eric, genuinely love reading your articles, and love your philosophy about life, I couldn’t agree more.
Happy holidays!
Scarlett

Reply December 20, 2015, 2:32 am

Yolandi

Thank you, I just read like 5 of your blogs back-to-back and this one had the most impact–super helpful. I think the part about what men want and what they want in women helped me the most. I’m going through a little something right now and I just want to make sure I’m approaching the situation in a mature and smart way and this blog pretty much nailed it for me.

I work with Prince Roku and he and I had been eye balling each other for quite some time until one day he just popped in my office, made small talk and asked me out on a date. We went out on 5 dates and to be honest, things did escalate quickly and I know that there is no excuse for that but I absolutely don’t regret it and it just happened so naturally.
Nothing ended in a bad way or anything, we are just both in the midst of a crazy busy season at work. Lately, I’ve just been getting some awkward vibes from him, he has not been rude, always says hello and gives me a hug, its hard to interact at work cause its a small office and people try to live vicariously through other people.
I know that the one thing that marked the difference was that he didn’t want a serious relationship and I guess I do? But not one now, however, I don’t want to mess around either cause that is dangerous and I know I could catch feelings, especially since we have so much in common.
I’ve sort of decided just to let it be and give him space, I just don’t want him to think I don’t still like him or that I am writing him off completely as we did talk it through and decided to be friends. I’m just feeding off the vibe I’m getting and that is that he needs space and that space is consequently good for me as well even though if I could have it my way, I’d be hanging out with him playing video games, dancing, reading poetry, and writing jokes but that small discrepancy became a catalyst and things are now weird. I guess if he could have it his way it would just be Love Buddies but quite frankly I’d rather skip the blurred lines and keep it straight edge.

So the plan is, “Girl, half ignore the dude, and do YOU! That means, have fun, go out, do what inspires you and what you love and forget about all the minute details cause they don’t matter unless your’re writing a novel…

Reply December 16, 2015, 6:38 pm

Ayesha

Hi Eric,

Your articles are awesome! I’m just struggling on how to apply them. 🙁

So my story goes like this; Met online been talking for just over a month over text, when we first started talking he had a week off work so was texting quite a bit, now that hes back in work its not as much, but that’s normal, cause I get busy in work too.

But recently in the last week or so hes not talking as much, I seem to be starting conversations sometimes we end up talking for ages, but not as much as we did before, now he cuts it short or doesn’t reply after a few messages Should I be concerned??

Before, text conversations went on for hours into the night, and it was on most nights, but now he hasn’t text me in days.

I had planned road trip to go see my sister, which is close to his town, and was thinking of maybe meeting him, but do you think hes not interested and I shouldn’t bother mentioning it??!

Reply December 14, 2015, 5:33 am

Gina

I’m genuinely grateful for all of your articles- great work! Just one question: how exactly could a woman increase her “market value?” I understand by not being available out of loneliness or out of a desire for a titled relationship; but exactly what actions and such actually increase and decrease this? Any concrete examples would be appreciated. Thanks!

Reply December 14, 2015, 1:11 am

nuripariari

Ei this is the most valuable piece of information on the subject ive ever read. Thanks

Reply December 12, 2015, 2:35 pm

Colleen

This website is pure science. The authors are so brilliant & they incorporate morality into the counseling. I enjoyed this article. I am wondering if I continue to pursue a man that has already “won” me in a very healthy way. I am certain I would not have sex with him until I decide it is best. He is currently dating someone and told me “maybe if it doesn’t work out” that we could try something out. I am willing to take a step back and approach him more as a friend although I have already romanticized with him. I understand his desires, attraction to me and faults. I support him completely. I do understand that I need to give him time to miss me but I feel I understand my motivations for being with him and as I said before those are all positive reasons. If he has won me and I support him, have made him feel like a winner and understand his desires…is it ok to approach him as a friend? Thank you.

Reply December 11, 2015, 8:03 pm

Molly

I have a problem with my boyfrnd.we have dated for 7months and he hasn’t given me one penny.wen I got pregnant for him he told me he wasn’t ready .he doest call me,it takes like 4days b4 he calls me.he hasn’t said the three words “I love u” he jus gives me excuse that he has been dumped three times and he is scared and all DAT.I give him my time even wen he was sick I took care of him.I always cook for him and take care of him but he doesn’t show me love.we quarrel most times and doesn’t even care.we travels almost every time.pls what do I do

Reply December 11, 2015, 2:08 pm

Mackenzie

Honey you need to take care of you! Let him do his thing ignore him if he comes back and makes an honest effort he is worth it but if not then it’s his loss. I know how being pregnant with a non committed man feels and you are too good for that and not only that you have bigger things to worry about. It is very true you don’t know love u till you have a child of your own, though it’s not the only love you feel you need, it is. Take my advice and enjoy being pregnant even with the sickness and the pain in the ass of it all because when it’s over you won’t be left with a heart ache of this man, but a beautiful child to love and you will never want your child to waist time feeling the way your feeling now. Conga durations and I wish you the best!

Reply January 27, 2016, 1:17 am

Jecca

Hey Eric, I founf ur article relevant in my current situation. Youre saying here that i shud date other guys or go out with other guys to make him feel that anytime alot of guys will snatched me if he will not do his part to take me his own. My question is what if i go out with other guys and he knew it then well tou guys think to date other women to make it fair enough? Its like you guys will think that if us gurls can go out with others guys why cant u also do it? Please enlighten me with this “what if’s” thank s Eric

Reply December 7, 2015, 2:58 pm

Wen zhu

Hi,

Your article is so special and love every word of it! I believe it will definitely help me out and do you sell books I can buy and I feel finally I got the point. So THANK YOU! 🙂 Wen

Reply December 6, 2015, 8:17 pm

jasleen

Eric, Thanks. I guess the articles you write and the advice you have in each one of them is just better than probably any of those relationship and dating website.! They are always of great help.

Reply December 3, 2015, 8:49 am

Jo

Of course this all applies to men who actually are open to exclusive relationships. Guys who only want casual or hookup buddies don’t have the maturity to possess these points you make in this article.

Reply December 2, 2015, 5:47 pm

Myrka

I really loved this article. It really breaks it down for us girls to what men like, and how to make it known to him that we are interested in us liking what they like to get intimate with him. Also teaches us women how men see women, what category they place us at and why. Please write an article as to ladylike manners, how a lady should dress… I love your writing work, you are amazing!!!

Reply December 1, 2015, 11:18 pm

Jessica

Thank you for being honest and real. I have been reading your advise for a couple months. It’s very helpful. Even though I think I’m a good catch I do need some fine tuning. As a 40+ woman I need a refresher. Men and women are so different it’s nice to read your realistic view. Thanks!

Reply November 30, 2015, 7:04 pm

Serenity

4 months ago i started seeing an old friend of 20 years, who i actually “casually dated”for about 6 months back then. We are really good friends since then. We hooked up twice in those 20 years and have always seen each other as more than just friends, we care about eachother alot. 4 months ago he professed that he has always loved me and that i have and always will have a special place in his heart, which never happens with him, hes not the type to put his heart out there for anyone. He got out of a 13 years relationship with a woman that really tore his self esteem down mentally destroyed him. A child with her is involved, and she uses that against him alot, to manipulate him. We have had a long talk about relationships and he says to me….:i am a good friend, i can be friends with anyone but i am not a good boyfriend, im not good at relationships, my biggest fear is hurting you and i dont want to do thay, i worry about that everyday” xBUT…in the last 4 months, he has been nothing but good to me and shown that he can be a good boyfriend…i call Bulls%$t to his excuse. Recently.. i expressed that i am not the girl that will just come to his house for a booty call, that i would like to go do things, experience things with him, that im not looking for a “boyfriend” im looking for a partner. He never said anything except that he understood. With in a week, we hung out with his mom, our mutual friends, and his sisters. Who All mean alot to him, they are his roots and foundation. Mind you i have known them just as long as i have known him, just not on the same level as him. My question is…am i wasting my time on something that will not go anywhere? Just because he is doing all these nice things for me ultimately do i still just hold onto “im a good friend, but i cant be a good boyfriend, im not good at relationships” thing , take that for what it os and never expect anything? I dont know if im wasting my time. I really care about him obviously, he is like my best friend and i dont want to lose our friendship over this of it doesnt work out.

Reply November 26, 2015, 8:08 am

Marsha Lynne

I had no idea men were so complicated! lol This article has been very eye opening, thank you. I am 48 years old and have been divorced for eight years, I don’t date or go out, so when an old ex contacted me on Facebook I was excited. We’ve been seeing each other for 2 1/2 weeks with constant texting until today. I kind of freaked, like most women would, I suppose, so I did a Google search and found this article. I think we’re ok, thankfully, I just didn’t want to freak out to him and spoil what we have found. Again, THANK YOU!!!

Reply November 25, 2015, 8:18 pm

Jennifer

Thank you very much. I love your approach. I have homework to do for sure. 🙂 I’m going to apply this now and my future.

Reply November 24, 2015, 11:38 pm

Jennifer

I found this article interesting and pretty on point. I can see how all of these things make a big difference. My question is, what is your opinion on just being yourself? Is there any hope for women who are just laid back and want to be accepted for who they are (not assuming that they’re not naturally desirable)? Or should they all, and always, be this woman that you described? I realize that I will be getting the cold, hard truth 😉

Reply November 20, 2015, 12:48 pm

Eric Charles

First, thanks for this question.

Society kicks around a lot of empty advice like “be confident!” or “be yourself!”… it’s not wrong, per se, it’s just that it’s not helpful.

If I tell you to jump, you know exactly what I’m telling you to do. It’s a concrete, specific, clear instruction.

If someone tells you “be yourself” or “be confident”, you really *don’t* know what they’re telling you to do. The person saying it knows what they mean, but the person they’re advising doesn’t…

So let’s get specific on what “be yourself” means and how it can be good advice if you add an essential piece (an essential piece that nobody seems to talk about)…

The factor that attracts love to you is your vibe.

Your physical beauty, clothing, make-up, hair, etc. is all meant to attract a man sexually. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s significant. There are countless magazines, TV shows and any other form of media that are happy to help you with that (by selling as many products to you as they can)… so we don’t need to touch on that here. That’s creating sexual, physical attraction.

I’m not saying it’s not important, it’s just a different kind of attraction… it’s not love-attraction (but admittedly, I wouldn’t date a woman I wasn’t sexually attracted to, so really you want to have both if you’re looking for maximum effectiveness in your love life)…

OK, so let’s talk about love-attraction: what attracts love to you?

Your vibe. Your vibe is what attracts love to you…

And what determines your vibe? Your mood.

Not the mood you pretend to have on the outside… where someone says, “How are you?” and you fake a smile and say, “Good!”.

No, I’m talking about your real, actual mood in the privacy of your own mind…

If you are in a negative mood, you will have a negative vibe and everything you do will be tainted by that negative vibe… even if you’re trying to hide your bad mood.

Your negative mood could be worried… angry… sad… deceitful… jealous… spiteful… hateful… afraid of loss… etc. Whatever it is, if it doesn’t feel purely good, relaxed, happy, calm, peaceful and inspiring… that’s your body trying to scream the message to you, “This is self-destructive! Stop thinking like this, stop viewing things this way… **Stop feeding this!!**”

Your body is trying to give you clues that you’re living in a destructive way. The negative feelings that come with a bad mood are your body’s clues to get you to stop.

Your negative vibe is the external clue to other people that they should avoid you. They feel this subconsciously… most people can’t put their finger on what it is, but they just know that they don’t feel good around people with a bad vibe (and that bad vibe is a direct result of their mood/internal thinking/internal feelings)…

On the other hand, when you are in a good mood internally, you give off a good vibe to other people and you attract love to you. I would say there’s one universal “good mood” – you feel OK on the inside… and then naturally you feel joyful, inspired, peaceful, content, etc.

All you have to do is make your mood your #1 priority in your life… your good mood will attract more love than you ever thought possible, and the best part is, you have 100% control over it.

Now someone just yesterday said to me, “OK, I get that, but nobody can be in a good mood all the time… We’re not robots.”

Agreed… so here’s the difference between people who have a good vibe as their normal state of being and people who don’t…

People who have a good vibe as their normal state **don’t feed into internal negativity**.

Yes, we all have bad moments or even bad days… and when negative feelings come up, we acknowledge them and we allow them to pass through us. We don’t try to hide them or suppress them.

Here’s the key: We also take direct, personal responsibility for those feelings and we don’t feed into them. You can feel a negative emotion, let it pass through you and never have to feed into it.

So, to tie this up: When you have a good vibe as your normal way of being, yes, you can “be yourself” and you’ll be tremendously attractive to people… your behavior will be soaked in your good vibe and therefore, even what people might consider the “wrong” behavior will still strike people in a favorable way.

It’s not your behavior, it’s your vibe… so when you have a good vibe, you can “be yourself” all you want and you’ll attract more love than you can handle.

Reply November 22, 2015, 2:20 pm

Kizzy

Wow. I need this article.. I give in my negative vibe all the time and I’m reaping it. My relationship is always in chaos bc my negative vibe. I try so hard to be positive. I have to practice good vibe to reap a successful life.

Reply January 8, 2016, 7:05 pm

M&M

Wow…you just managed to improve on perfection, Eric! Thanks for adding this extra nugget to an already complete article. 🙂

Reply January 16, 2016, 7:39 am

Vee

Wow! Thank you! Thank you!

Reply November 17, 2015, 10:24 pm

Christina

Very interesting article, certainly hit the nail on the coffin on relationships..thoroughly enjoyed reading
It was Great, however women should not be put in same market value as a homeowner buying a home, we are sexy creatures, not a mortgage plan..lol loved it great

Reply November 16, 2015, 7:02 pm

Mel

Great article. I met an ex-boyfriend because of perceived “market value”. We parted on good terms and I once asked him why he liked me so much that night he met me (I was not his type at all!). He told me he walked into the bar and saw me wearing an Astros shirt and surrounded by 10 guys, and there was no way he was leaving without talking to me. He said he had to meet me because I liked sports and every other guy seemed to want to talk to me. It gave me a good laugh because I happened to run into a co-worker’s son that was out with a large group of guys and they were just being friendly while we were waiting for the drinks they had ordered us.

Reply November 16, 2015, 6:30 pm

M&M

Hahaha…what a great experience, Mel! Perception can be everything, but I’m sure that you were giving off good vibes (period) and because of it, the outcome would have been the same w/out the ten other guys! ;D

Reply January 16, 2016, 7:44 am

Aysel

Wow, this is the second article I read from you and it blows my mind!!! It is so good and so true!!! Keep up the good work…..wow wow wow

Reply November 14, 2015, 9:15 am

Eric Charles

Thanks, glad you like it.

Reply November 14, 2015, 4:11 pm

christine

Hi, I just wanted to ask a quick question:
How can it be possible to have a relationship with a man, who actually sees you as his future wife, introduces you to the family, and many future plans … an all of a sudden has to travel for business with his father, and he became distance all of a sudden and says he didn’t have time to answer because he’s with his father, and a day later say he does care but he has been sick…. I have no idea what to think and how I should react….I have been silent and cool…but don’t want to loose him…please give me some advice…thanks

Reply November 15, 2015, 3:30 pm

Rossette

hi .iam in bad situation right now ,,what should I do if I wants to let me go instead of fighting with his feeling .what I mean is we got argued about he thinks iam flirting with some guy thru online ..yes I admit I do that ..but that’s all iam just being nice and this guy knows I have a boyfriend wed just talked as a friend nothing farther than that ..and me my boyfriend just been dating for almost months ilike him so much he treated me like iam the queen .either way I found out also that his still talking to his exes ..I don’t know what to do …this is so frustrating ..please help

Reply November 11, 2015, 6:04 am

Christine

Hi, I just wanted to ask a quick question:
How can it be possible to have a relationship with a man, who actually sees you as his future wife, introduces you to the family, and many future plans … an all of a sudden has to travel for business with his father, and he became distance all of a sudden and says he didn’t have time to answer because he’s with his father, and a day later say he does care but he has been sick…. I have no idea what to think and how I should react….I have been silent and cool…but don’t want to loose him…please advise me…thanks

Reply November 9, 2015, 7:21 pm

Ally

THE ARTICLES YOU WRITE are SPOT ON ALMOST ERIE SOMETIMES JUST BECAUSE I FEEL YOUR HERE IN MY HOUSE WITNESSING THE STUFF GOING ON AND YOUR LIKE WHOA WAIT A MINUTE DOES SHE KNOW SHE’S IN A TOXIC MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP…. SO KEPT WRITING MY DEAR YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT. AND MY SIS AND I LUV YA

Reply October 31, 2015, 4:12 pm

Christine

I love every article u have produced and all that I can read and I have been reading ever since I came across your sight they have help me to understand a lot of things I thought I knew and didn’t thank you I love it again thank you please continue your good work I feel you are helping a lot of lady’s and I’m one of them.I appreciate you.

Sincerely yours
Christine

Reply October 30, 2015, 9:52 am

Eric Charles

Thanks Christine – I appreciate it!

Reply October 30, 2015, 12:48 pm

Disa

I really enjoyed reading this article. It was very informative and will help me improve myself. Thank you very much.

Reply October 27, 2015, 5:08 pm

Lucie

Thank you Eric for this article. I really loved ready it. It has helped me to understand so many things that motivate the man I have been dating. It’s been two and a half years though, and I have to say even through all my consistency of being in his corner, being easy going and being interested in his hobbies (i.e. Ironman triathlon, etc.), to date, he still has not told me he loves me. He says that he admires and respects me for the woman that I am, what I have done for him and that he enjoys our time together, when we are alone and with our children/family. But he has been hurt before and his vision of family was “shattered” when he got divorced. He says he never wants to go through that again. Thus saying, he has no intentions in living with anyone again, etc. I love him dearly and am trying not to change him. I have just recently expressed to him that since he does not envision himself with me for the long term, that maybe we should part as friends before we become resentful of each other. It is only then when he starts to do the things that I had expressed to him I love (i.e. playful texts, date night, etc.).
At this point, our lives are so intertwined with our activities, the kids, that breaking up seems harder than I thought. I don’t want to leave him but I read that when a man says something, I should believe him. And I tried to leave explaining I am respecting what he has ultimately said, he steps up again. #soconfusing
Should I give him more time? Should I distance myself, in hopes that he will chase me? Your guidance is so appreciated. I have bought several of the programs and am trying to understand but this seems like the step of total disconnect that scares me.
Thank you again for all that you do and all you share. #gratefulalways

Reply October 22, 2015, 4:47 pm

Mily

Omg, this article is exactly what I try to tell my friends as I call it. High perceived value! If you get a Chanel handbag for free you don’t love it as much.
Good points in here especially about being in his corner. Keep up the good work!

Reply October 20, 2015, 7:44 am

Jean

I really enjoyed this article. It makes so much sense in the fact that men what to feel like winners. We ladies often forget that and it was a great reminder. I want to make him rememeber he won me over all the others and “be in his corner” like you mentioned so he can take on the rest of the world. Encouraging and simple. Thank you

Reply October 14, 2015, 11:12 am

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot – I always love hearing that.

Reply October 14, 2015, 9:02 pm

Joanna

Hi Eric
Your article made me think of the positive aspects in my relationship rather than the negative which was great. However, my man has admitted to me that he is seeing another woman. When I heard this I was obviously devastated but I have noticed our relationship has changed tremendously in the last month. Like you said that actions are what we should focus on. He spends much more time with me now and the time is quality with lots of sharing in his behalf and laughter. Our time together does definitely not revolve around sex but mutual sharing He has verbally told me he loves me and he shows me all the time that he does. He makes me feel special and has mentioned many things that we are to do in the future. Sometimes though I can’t get the thought of the other woman out of my mind but do not want to mention her to him. Maybe I’m scared of the answer I’m going to get. I don’t know how he feels about her and I think of her as a non entity when we are together. Could his actions be telling me he is no longer seeing her but I’m not reading them right? Or is he really good at having two girlfriends?i believe in what we have and he does too and he shows me in many ways.
I’m Just at a loss as to what to do.

Reply October 6, 2015, 3:43 am

Lindsey

I live the market value tidbit! It’s so very true!

Reply October 5, 2015, 7:43 pm

Rita

I would like to know how to make my boyfriend treat me like a woman of value. I always feel like he loved his ex girlfriend more than he would ever love me because he would always make an effort to buy her gifts and spend alot of money on her just to make her happy like taking her out on dates and clubbing, but with me he does not do the same unless I push him to.

Reply September 30, 2015, 10:40 am

Randy

This article is awesome,and thanks you for sharing. I have been in a relationship for almost 4yrs now with a lady who was surpose to be my wife. This lady exhibits a lot of anoying characters like keeping secrets,keeping to friends and personal advice,lack of finacial management etc. Although we’re engaged but am willing to let go of her before she kills me with depression. I wish she will findout this type of article exist.

Reply September 26, 2015, 5:47 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Randy, thanks for the compliment, glad you liked the article.

This is just my opinion, but I think if you’re not happy with the relationship as it is now, I wouldn’t get married until I’ve either worked things out with my spouse-to-be or break off the relationship altogether.

Again, this is entirely just my opinion — so whatever you decide to do is on you, this isn’t professional or legal advice — but personally speaking, I wouldn’t legally hook myself with someone I already wasn’t happy with… on top of the regular pain of breaking up, you also would have to go through the pain of a divorce, which can be long, brutal and costly.

Again, all my opinion here, but my attitude towards marriage is I wouldn’t do it unless being in the relationship is so happy, so fulfilling and so obviously awesome that being married wouldn’t add anything to what we already have together, since the relationship is already so right and such a good fit.

A lot of people have the idea that marriage will somehow change the relationship in a good way… like it would make a not-so-serious person more committed to the relationship or an untrustworthy person more trustworthy…

More often than not, after marriage a person’s “bad qualities” tend to get worse and the positive qualities that take effort start to fade away… I mean, just look at human nature — most people are not wired to work harder or behave better when they have even less of a chance of losing you…

For me, the only way I’d possibly get married is that the person I was with was completely awesome to be with in every way, the idea of being with any other woman ever again has lost all its appeal to me (and has for many years) AND I want to have kids with her and devote the rest of my life to being an amazing father and husband.

That hasn’t happened for me yet… maybe someday it will, maybe with the right girl and circumstances I would want that. Right now, though, that’s not the case for me.

But really, the only appeal I see for marriage would be to build a life with a woman who’s so awesome to be with that living life together seems full of possibility and fun, and I want to share that with her…

I would never want to tether myself to a woman or relationship that I had to “work on” and “deal with”, while my life slips away like sand through an hourglass… just too many good options out there to try and force something to work… and getting married to someone definitely won’t change the relationship for the better — it’s not a magic pill, if anything, it will make a bad relationship much, much worse.

All my opinion, but I figured I’d share it in case it was helpful to you… hope it was. Good luck.

Reply September 27, 2015, 1:49 pm

M&M

Hi Eric! Your opinion here to Randy was spot on, as usual, and while I realize it may be easier to receive for some guys by using the phrase, “my opinion”, I would venture out to say that it should be unnecessary. Your opinion matters and has validity to Randy and all of us who read your articles and are furthermore subscribed. Please keep pouring it out — of yourself to us, I mean; just my opinion! 😉

Reply January 16, 2016, 7:55 am

Hazel

Yes I have been dating this man for a couple of months now i’m getting mixed messages. He will call or text every day then he goes cold. I’v never been to his home I feel he is hiding something. He comes over at first 3 times a week 2nd week about 2 times then 3rd week once a week since. We have a great time when we are together. We have the best sex ever. But he still on plenty of fish when ask him about it he says he likes reading the profiles. I set him up my girlfriend sent him a message and he responded. So i have been avoiding phone calls and text. then he text me and asked if he could come over and make dinner. he came over he had to go to store came back with soap and mens deoderent left it at my house. just don’t understand him or what is going on in his head. need to know if worth pruseing or move on? please help eric

Reply September 22, 2015, 6:07 am

Mary

I love reading your articles! It’s so informative and everything makes sense. 🙂

Reply September 21, 2015, 1:04 am

Jackie

Again a very good informative article. It has reassured me given some of the experiences I have had with men which have not always been great. Also information that I can learn from.

Reply September 18, 2015, 4:57 am

Irene

I’ve been reading everything you send and books… I was so down knowing in my heart I was losing my guy… That’s when I found you.. Well he did break up with me.. And I was so heart broken.. I mean he is an amazing guy.. We complement each so well.. Well he wasn’t here when we broke up so it wasn’t like I could talk to him and I’m the kind of person that like to look at you when I talk with you.. So I read your books and all the emails you send and over like 4 days I would text him my thoughts on how I felt about him and our relationship.. Remembering everything you have said never coming off as needed or that he is my world.. But more of my feelings things I never have really said to him… Then on the fourth day I told him if I’m bugging him with my texts about my thoughts and feelings to tell me… He replied your not bugging at all.. I replied with I just thought we complemented each other so well.. He replied yes we do.. He came over the next day we cried and talked and are together:) and I really think reading your stuff has made me see things in a different light and wanted to say thank you
That’s the short version of my story lol

Reply September 17, 2015, 8:11 pm

LyRica

This feels a very acurate article, I have been re-reading it many times and trying to sink in.
Makes me want to go out there, and do this. To be that awesome woman, to some great guy. I want to fall in love and be loved and I feel ready for it!

This “learning what he loves” thing really works IRL, and even if no relationship develops, I use this on most people to connect to them truly, and find new awesome friends, and expand my horizons on the way, I get to know awesome new stuff I never thougt I’d know, and this is a one more new trait of mine ppl like me for, and I learned it here.

Thank You, Eric, for Your job here

Reply September 17, 2015, 6:04 pm

Jane

It’s just sad. I know what I’ve read is all true and make sense but its a sad truth for me.

Reply September 12, 2015, 10:12 pm

Kerry

I’m learning a lot about myself and men by reading your articles , your advice is giving me a confidence I didn’t have before , I appreciate you for your time and blunt honesty in your articles and emails , thank you 🙂

Reply September 11, 2015, 5:55 pm

Amy

I do appreciate all the advise ive been reading. My friend lives 5hrs. Away and weve been seeing eachother once a month since july. I just cant think of get him to at least call me his girlfriend yet. Im keeping busy and my options open may see him this weekend he said he would check on tickets, how do I understand this?
Thanks

Reply September 8, 2015, 7:33 pm

Benti

Surprisingly enough I like your honest opinion and insight about relationship and gender physiology.

Very unique and realistic than those popular magazines and even the so called ‘experts’.

Reply September 5, 2015, 2:29 am

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot. I appreciate that.

Reply September 6, 2015, 3:11 am

Heather

When I try to make my guy feel like a winner, he seems very uninterested. For example, he’ll be playing Call of Duty (which he is very good at) and I’ll say, “Wow. You are really good at this! You’re getting more kills than anyone!” And he will, in a low uninterested tone, say, “Uh huh.” That’s one example. I don’t see how to compliment him in a way that matters. I don’t want to compliment him too much and appear fake. But I want to be able to compliment him in a way that mattets. He is always a winner to me in every way.

Reply September 4, 2015, 11:24 pm

Caroline

I met a really great man and thing were fantastic. He was originally here for business but came back especially to see me and we went away for a week, very romantic we get on great, have talked about absolutely everything, marriage,
pre-nuptional agreements, children, money, dating etc which I thought was very heavy but since it was it was honest, it was ok. He went back home and text every day, even when on holiday with his son and mum, sending me photos. I made a comment of how could I compete, meaning what could I show him that would be as beautiful and he said he that wasn’t necessary as he was looking to share all this with me in he future, I was surprised as it wasn’t what I was expecting, but said ok. When he came here it was so lovely, we spent 24 hours a day together, went away to the Highlands, had romantic meals but also cuddled up on the sofa. He lives in Germany and is divorced with a 13 year old son who lives with him and a mum who looks after his son when he is at work. I have accepted this and said his son is number one and we talked about how hard it will be to be part of his life but willing to try. While we were away, he said he more than liked me and wanted to see me at least every 3 months if not sooner and that in his training for his new job, I could meet him and stay with him for the week which could be Switzerland or Sweden which I thought was a great idea. Well since he has been back home, he has text and I made the classic mistake of texting and asking him to phone me and for his address (which was for a good luck card) well the first reply was good, he told me he would speak to me when he started his new job the following week which I thought was distant but ok, I then asked again for his address for the card and he replied the long distance wouldn’t work (I live in Edinburgh) and that he was just too busy! I replied that I do understand but as we are so good together, he should think about it and that I am sorry if I was intense, but this was new to me and I like it. He didn’t reply. Today he started his new job so I took photos of the card I was going to send him and sent them. He replied thanks to me and a red emoji face. I am sad because we really are great together, it’s so easy to be together, no drama, a lot of fun but open and honest too. Yes it might be too soon, but he is 52 and I am 47 so we both know what it’s like to have stress, so to meet someone on the same wavelength is good, people have said what a great couple we are and look great together, always laughing and he said people wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. My friend said he is the complicated one as I have no children, and give him time, but what do I do? I was going to email him how I feel but I don’t want to drive him further away. How can he just want to be friends after saying he wants me and sees a future together?

Reply September 1, 2015, 6:00 am

amanda

Have known this guy all my childhood yrs have liked him since my growing yrs too but we never spoke finally we lost contact n on my way to d bank we saw again n ecchanged contacts that day he called n we chatted n he told me he’s alwys like me from bk years n date but he said he has a g/f and I like him too. D day I saw him at d bank after years was so happy. We have hooked up so many times now he doesn’t chat me up like then n when I tend to complain he apologises. He said he feels smthg strong n loves me but he doesn’t wanna get too involved cause of his g/f. and I know him, his family now am sad cause I really want him wht shld I do

Reply August 31, 2015, 3:49 pm

Louise

Love your work…very insightful & super helpful. Thanks !!

Reply August 31, 2015, 10:05 am

elina

hi erick
could i have your email addres,id like to be friend with you

Reply August 23, 2015, 12:47 pm

Eric Charles

Click my picture and it will take you to my Facebook page. That’s the best way to “friend” me. 🙂

Reply August 24, 2015, 2:09 pm

Mistral

Thank you Eric for this article. You are absolutely correct that men want a woman who they can be sure will be in their corner. It is all in how we treat one and another. As an old boyfriend of mine always told me and as quoted in this song by Rod Stewart,

“And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true.
And do unto others as you’d have done to you.
Be courageous and be brave.
And in my heart you’ll always stay
Forever young”

We can only do this by being our best selves and loving ourselves first and foremost…being self-respecting allows us to be respectful of others. And as the song goes on to say, we all as women and young girls have the chance to build a stairway to heaven whether it is with a prince or a vagabond. Love is out there for all of us if we are only brave enough to trust and be true to our own selves first.

Reply August 18, 2015, 1:55 pm

zureta

hi Eric,
wow you and Sabrina’s’ articles really made me see things in a different light. I have met an old ‘flame’ after years, am totally in love with him, and love hi, to bits. got a bit stressed when he reads my messages and not reply..lol.. ended up somehow getting into your advice/article column, all I can say.. its going well!! very well in fact. I withdrew a bit… and that sparked a reaction!! it works girls!! keep up the good work..eric and Sabrina.. you are amazing 🙂

Reply August 5, 2015, 8:03 pm

Joy

This was a great article! I have been happily married for 10 years and I’ve got to say that it has a lot to do with having applied most of these principles. Once you’ve caught the man you want, keep doing these things and you will keep both of you happy. Don’t forget about it just because you have 4 kids and are to comfortable with each other.

Reply August 4, 2015, 4:29 pm

Maria

I’m very appreciative of this article as I feel like I’ve accidentally followed most of this advice while dating a guy for the last 4 months! We started out great but after rushing in the first 6 weeks (weekend vacations and non stop texting) I did the “girl thing” and started to pressure him. We had a very long conversation about him wanting to slow down, get to know each other, so on and so forth. I was really pissed with the “friend talk” at first since i assumed it was a sad attempt at making me feel better about dumping me… he kept saying it wasnt like that, wouldnt let me disappear out of his life but i sure as heck cut off sex completely. The thing I couldn’t understand was even though we weren’t having sex, he was still coming over to hang out and spending the night, introduced me to his family and kids… who in turn brought me up to his ex-wife who mentioned I seem like a great girl. A couple weeks ago he mentioned he took his dating profile down and asked about mine in which I had to tell him I took mine down due to 78 messages in one day killing my phone battery. I thought it was funny but I really think it turned him on to know I choose to hang out with him on a Saturday instead of talking to any of them… as I search through the Internet for advice on how long I should let this “grey zone dating” title go on before I give up on his commitment phobia, you mentioned to stop worrying and enjoy the moment. Any advice column written by women would tell me to blow him off and move onto someone who will smother me in attention (not that I want that either). I really think this article helps me sort out the confusing mixed signals I’ve been getting… I might just hang in there for a little while longer to see what comes of it. Perhaps he really did want to get to know me as a person first.

Reply August 2, 2015, 7:48 pm

Lina

Love this! SO well written.

Your style of writing is very very similar to the Art of Charm’s style of speaking.

This helped see what I wasn’t doing to get a mans attention ????????????

Reply July 21, 2015, 11:49 pm

Paola men

Thank you very much for sharing this article, it has helped me to understand a lot of things that I missed before when it comes to men, and it will certainly help me with my upcoming relationships! I find this blog very useful and keeps me coming back here to check for new articles! Keep it up!

Reply July 18, 2015, 11:41 am

Sandra

“…if a man feels that you’re with him because you want a boyfriend, then he knows that he could put in barely any effort since your primary interest is in getting some empty relationship title…”

Is this why online dating doesn’t work for women? Do men think women online are just looking to fill a position and are going to take whatever (or worse, chase it)? The way I’m generally approached by men offline is a bit in your face and not the sort of attention I want, the presence of that tends to make it difficult for men I do want to talk to as well so I thought I’d try online. Most of the guys I met were among the better profiles on the sites but still, eeekkk! No thanks.

It’s a bit off topic, but what does it take for a guy to declare some kind of interest or intention to go out with you? I’ve had problems with guys dragging their heels. They’d know I’m contracted to travel with work but I’d still get annoyed “you didn’t tell me you were going!” phone calls. I’m also sick of saying “I’m too busy now” when things suddenly pick up when I’m at home, why didn’t they say something when they had the chance? I don’t expect a relationship declaration but I would like to know if dating is on the table so I can weigh my work/social options (which are pretty well intertwined), I can plan to book but I can’t plan once I’m booked. I don’t know what to think of it, I can’t tell if they were hedging their bets (a no no here, especially in a tight group) and they’re just cranky I wasn’t around when they thought I should be, if they didn’t know they were interested until I wasn’t there and now they really do want something they can’t have, or if they were genuinely interested but too timid or just outpaced. It’s usually ended up he’s wiped off my date radar and I go out with someone else who did speak up with him complaining about it, which really annoys me.

Reply July 16, 2015, 1:55 pm

Kriz

Great advice ???? It’s awesome to be able to have some insight of what makes men happy.

Reply July 11, 2015, 3:25 pm

Hilda

This is incredibly helpful for an older singleton who has been happily divorced for over twenty years. Not looking for a relationship at all but then I met..HIM..and it has left me as confused as a first love teenager, crush…although nearing sixty, it is just as scary!!
Suddenly I feel deep love and want a relationship..and have all the maturity and experience to nurture it. He is knocking sixty too..but wants to date and sleep around. Although he wants me around every weekend and during the week so not sure how he fits in these “other women” ?!! They haven’t materialised as yet and I do not feel threatened by his words when he says he isn’t interested in love or relationships..As his actions (romantic meals, thoughtful gifts,dates, “I love you..but I don’t love you”) seem to contradict!
I have a busy life so it is me who has to decline some weekends and week day invitations. He always is “available” and often asks me to stay longer or cancel my own plans..which I do occasionally but not often. Then he ruins things by insisting..just because he wants to spend all his free time with me, doesn’t mean we’re an item!!
I know why I stayed single now! Too confusing and even mature men act like teenage
boys! I do feel, deep down we will become a couple as I know all his friends and family and vice versa..in essence he just objects to titles, categories and the fact I swear I will never give up my home to cohabit ever..non negotiable..and I would not share my home either..non negotiable!!
I am very happy and a man won’t change that. This guy is a bonus not a necessity! Long may it last?!!!

Reply July 3, 2015, 6:31 am

Mar

I really enjoyed your article. Thank you for the insight!
I have recently found a guy that is everything I was looking for( and more )
He is moving out of state for an amazing job opportunity. He has asked me to join him. We have been dating for a few months. Can u give meant advice on how to go about making this a reality? I would appreciate any and all advice. Thanks so much. Keep writing! All the ladies need sincere advice from good men like you:)

Reply July 3, 2015, 12:13 am

Christina

Well nicely written, woman objected as market value, sounds like , we are part selling homes, very superficial, but whatever works for you man I suppose.Over all I always enjoy reading your articls they are great !

Reply June 29, 2015, 6:27 pm

Necroposter

Thanks for your article 🙂 I agree with how society conditions men to hide their emotions, so thanks for encouraging me to look behind the mask

Reply June 28, 2015, 8:31 am

Lauren

Eric,
I need some advice on a dating situation. I reconnected with someone from high school and we hit it off. We went out on a date, ended up sleeping together. Since then we’ve text every day and hung out to watch a movie at his place. He is away for work for 2 weeks, which I believe he really is. My question is, what do I do from here? I am really into him and could be in a relationship with him. He told me that he was into me and could date me. He also told some of his friends who told me.
* also when I was over there watching the movie with him, he randomly brought up a mutual friends wedding and about wanting to take a date but would be unable to because the bride was being crazy, he even said sorry I wont be able to take you. I know it’s only been one date but I’ve known him for a long time. I don’t want to rush things but I need some input and advice.

Reply June 13, 2015, 5:42 pm

Ana Barajas

Ana likes this.

Reply June 8, 2015, 1:06 am

Christy

Hi! I must say you are truly gifted & brave explaining the thoughts of men to women. This has helped me more than you know. Keep it up, you’re really making a difference! Could you expand upon how to make a man feel like “the man”, & how to make him feel like he’s winning?

Reply June 7, 2015, 9:12 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Christy – go to Google and search for “how to seduce a man”… you should find my Ask a Guy article where I explain exactly this in depth.

Reply June 8, 2015, 12:57 am

CuriousWanderer

Dear Eric,
I appreciate your hard work in writing all these articles to help confused women, because you don’t have to do it, but you do. Before these, I’ll admit I didn’t understand men well & acting upon your articles has made me be more understanding towards men and able to reach below the surface of their masks. Alot more men want me too, which is great! Truth be told there is only one I want & I think he wants me too because he’s always around me, flirting with me, & we’ve been emailing for like 4 years, & lately, texting & writing letters back & forth He’s never asked me out or anything, and I think it’s because he wants to wait until he’s ready for marriage, lives 6 hours away & knew he’d be going away to the military , which is where he is now. We connect very well, can talk about anything, & have a very deep friendship. I mean he compliments me & encourages me all the time. I do the same with him. We enjoy each other’s company & doing things together. We went running together, climbed a mountain together, and worked out together, etc. Except now he went away into the military for 5 years & our only connection is writing letters. I’ve accepted the fact that we are friends & I’m okay with it, but I wonder if he’ll ever come around to wanting a relationship or if I should just forget about him completely and move on dating other guys that want to date me, even though I don’t want to date them.. Being single is fine too, though. I do really like him, but should I just erase the memories and move on even though I don’t want to? Do you have any advice on this subject? Also you sound like an extremely intelligent, and incredible man. It takes guts to reveal deep things that you have revealed and for that, you have my respect! I hope your relationship is well too, because you deserve the best! Thank you for everything!

Reply June 7, 2015, 8:57 pm

Francesca

Hi Eric and Sabrina, Thank you for your advice! You really helped explain particular traits and made me understand all kinds of men in my life! I particularly like how you go into great detail and explain how there is a middle ground. Thank you keep up the good work.

Reply June 6, 2015, 5:26 pm

Joey Smiley

Hi Eric and Sabrina, good articles? In fact, these articles helped me understand some traits of men in general i.e. even my Dad, brother and friends! 🙂

Reply June 3, 2015, 12:16 pm

Kayla

Eric – great article. Thanks for sharing this info with
us. I wish I could sit down with you and pick your brain for awhile. What can we do to have and maintain high market value ? Is this based on our looks?

Reply June 1, 2015, 8:22 am

Eric Charles

Hey Kayla – go to Google and search for “how to seduce a man”… you should find my Ask a Guy article where I explain exactly this in depth.

Reply June 8, 2015, 12:57 am

karem

But that article is not complete yet. We are waiting for second part your promised.

Reply June 12, 2015, 12:25 pm

Sexy

Is that your real pic? I think you are verrrry cuuuuute. And you are honest enough to write about what men really feel like deep down. Not many men would take on this job. I learnt a lot from reading your articles. Making notes too 🙂 Thank you.

Reply May 24, 2015, 7:56 am

Eric Charles

Yes it is… and thank you, I’m glad to hear my writing has been helping you.

Reply June 3, 2015, 12:36 pm

elina

id like to be friend with you ,could i have your email addres

Reply August 23, 2015, 12:44 pm

fanli

Hi Eric,
I really like your articles. They are so true and so helpful.
Thank you so much.

Reply May 20, 2015, 6:00 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome – thanks for the message and I’m glad you like my articles.

Reply May 20, 2015, 8:33 pm

Lisa

I agree. I’m going through a breakup and I’m so happy I found your page. Your articles and insights are really helping me to see things in perspective – to better understand past actions helps me to get rid of anger and move towards forgiveness. This is what I need to move on. Thank you.

Reply June 1, 2015, 7:22 pm

christina

why do guys stare at you and talk about you to there friends when they know that the girl likes him??

Reply May 19, 2015, 3:25 pm

Danylla

Hello Eric. This is all super helpful and honestly points out several flaws in persuing men. Also i love your format and the context. this has soon become a website i visit not just for advice, but also for the pleasure of reading what you have to say. Thank you so much for the help, I’ll let you know if it works out!

Reply May 12, 2015, 1:02 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot Danylla… I appreciate that and I’m glad you like the site. Means a lot to me.

Reply May 13, 2015, 10:48 pm

dipta

What if you’re with the man because you LIKE him?
What if you had dozens of men asking you out even in front of him, you rejected them all and asked him out yourself? He didn’t have to win you over because you didn’t play games or hard to get, you didn’t really need a boyfriend, but you want to be with him because you care about him and like him.
Sadly, seems like that’s not enough and not even a possibility according to this article.

Reply May 8, 2015, 9:58 am

Kimberly

Hi Eric! I recently purchased your book on why men aren’t that complicated and it changed my life forever! And I continue to read more and more advice you’ve written about and it baffles me on how spot on you are. I started using your advice on being happy and whole in my own life and putting my own needs first (as selfish as that sounds it works). I met a man fourteen years younger that can’t get enough of me. He treats me like a goddess! I simply just portray a woman that will walk and that doesn’t need him to be happy but that also rewards him and let’s him know that he’s winning the prize (me). I can’t thank you enough for all the insight you’ve given me! He told me this morning for the first time that he loves me and I am in awe at how your advice has changed my life forever! Thank you again! Thanks to Sabrina too!

Reply May 6, 2015, 11:04 am

Samantha Kennedy

Hi Eric… I’m Samantha that was some gd relationship advice I’m very receptive and always like learning new things when it comes to relationships and what a man feels and want and what he is looking for in a relationship..keep up the great work..

Reply May 4, 2015, 8:40 pm

Sheena

Hi eric! Your articles are absolutely awesome. I found out mostly my commom questions about relationship in real sense since all along im refering it to fairytail endings and it all make me disappointed. I'm dealing with something right now. I was working in a cruise line industry. As i evaluate my relationship I think I started it in a wrong way. I met a guy in the ship which is my boss. It was very good when it started since he is expressing his feelings to me crystal clear. Since we only got 2 months left to be together I was thinking to cut the courting period short since i want to make some good memories in that minimum of time left for us. But I think it turns out to be wrong decision. I felt like he is distant and cloudy. But he said he is just not the emotional one.I am left always as  the vulnerable one. And so much more now since we are in LDR. I broke up with him and remain silent for about 20 days and on that days I have found out what he means about him being unemotional one. I chat to him one hi and everything turns out to be okay. He said he thought that it was fine for us to communicate 1000 miles apart but to be there next to each other is far more better yet doesn't do anything to make it realized(his mindset before was its better for us to work in different ship or i will stay in land for work so that he can visit me on his vacation). But one time I got angry since it take some time for him to reply on my message or more likely suddenly gone in the middle of our chat. Didn't think of letting me know that he flew to other country since I didn't asked and thinking he was the last one sending me message (w/c is the response for being gone in the middle of our conversation)he explained that he fall asleep that time And it turns out he is thinking im over reacting again. And in this moment my eyes were opened. Am I acting needy already? I decided to step back and give us some space. He thinks im breaking up on him and didn't try to correct it. I read about one month no contact rule. I am now in the middle of it. I dont know what to do next. If I must contact him first after I feel already ready,confident and found self love?or will i just wait untill he make a move?or forget about it and be contented without him and move on? Will i still have a chance to have the relationship i want since i started it wrong?

Reply May 4, 2015, 2:55 am

Cara

Could you give examples on what to do to feel like he “won” me (a woman) over? And examples on how to make him feel like a winner if he takes pride in is work? I read yours and Sabrina’s articles every morning before I wake up, they are so insightful and just interesting! They have made me have a different perspective on relationships.

Reply May 3, 2015, 4:34 pm

Lucia

I loved this article btw, made me laugh towards the end the way you suggested that we can re-read it to further analyze it. I was impressed by the simple yet harsh truth we have to face sometimes of having to face putting ourselves together, like how we usually are in the beginning when we are interested in a person or when we are just coincidentally just are good at looking good for ourselves and the other person sees this. I have personally found this a bit frustrating and shallow but it just shows how much effort were putting in the relationship and I think that either gender can get too comfortable at times because we sense someone is putting in the extra effort so the other person if in a relationship is like “blah” ill just get ready for her or him “if” he takes me out on a date, but that is essentially what has to happen, we do have to make up for all those other mediocre days that rob us from really having to put our best face forward lol. I think its sad how were forced to rest reassured that a person can love us as we are, when in fact everyone loves a little adventure, something different either in our appearance or our behavior. For example, I like to just relax but if im sitting there impecably gorgeous then that looks like Im preparing for someone to ask me out and curiously enough I have sensed this from the other person so they propose to do something especially in public like dining out, maybe wanting to show us off in front of others, and lets face it. If we were to go around looking like were lost in a desert for days, the other person would pass up the opportunity to even get close the best we would probably get is to cook for them, or fill in some other common like shore as a maid. The fact that we have to reinvent ourselves daily for someone is challenging not to mention, will he like a more wild haircolor, a hue deeper, or a totally transforming hair do, they havent seen since the 60’s, omg, i could literally torture myself with so many bad hair choices i would die of shame just experimenting especially if they have seen me with the same hair color and predictable hairstyle for a very long time. And the makeup that has to look flattering yet indulginly natural is a total killer for me sometimes. I wish I could perfect it but the truth is that im not a plain person and i like to experiment. I feel like im not left with many choices other than to wear possibly elegant but distinctly natural looking falsie lashes with minimal lipstick and I hate that, I have tried the natural look only to look like im about fourteen years old again, however i have managed the like miss makeup doll look somewhat a result of my own ideal effort to integrate a much softer sexy vixen look. I just hope i can continue to “touch up” on the look throughout the day. Its hard to tell when someone is going to be around to even see it like its been there all along, since the makeup gets tacky thru out the day. Oh well, I guess well just have to keep at being divas.

Reply May 1, 2015, 7:49 pm

E

Eric- great article! This is REAL relationship wisdom which empowers women. So refreshing. Thank you!
Quick ? (Not so quick I guess ????)- met guy on-line and met in person twice (long distance we met half way- great conversations! Great food and great sex. Slept together on first date (trying to not fall into the mind set of “oh if I hadn’t slept w him so early on then we would still be together.” Anyways, he pulled away and unfortunately I found your site after he/we ended it. I realize I was needy. Hadn’t been in a relationship for ten yrs! I prefer to be happy alone then unhappy in a relationship. I don’t think he believed me when I told him it had been so long. So here are my questions 1) he said compatibility wasn’t our strong suite. Although I agree to some extent, I felt like we hadn’t spent enough time to give it a chance. I saw some red flags but nothing that I thought couldn’t be addressed and worked out as long as we agreed to it.

I don’t think he realized that at times I felt like he didn’t respect me. He had all kinds of ideas about me (he would say ” I bet a lot of men picked you up?” – so far from the truth I am shy and have never slept w a man on a first date. I told home all of this 2) he is a Sagittarius and me Pisces (logical/extrovert and me strong feeler/introvert). My emotions freaked him out. He said he was communicating with another women. He told me in the middle of the night while we were in bed. I just was caught off guard and had a strong response (crying- and I said I don’t/can’t sleep with men while they are out looking for other women. So in the end we wished each other well (I said the door is open if he wants to have a friendly conversation) and he said he appreciated me explaining that I felt like he at times didn’t respect me (ie sending a dirty text/joke, and thinking I would be okay w him “talking” w a women on an on-line datng site. He owned his bad timing in telling me about his possible interest with this other woman). I wasn’t consciously trying to make him commit to me or be exclusive because frankly we hadn’t known each other that long but I see where I was asking for an exclusive relationship. There was so much that we needed to know from each other (at least I did).

So other day (three weeks after we stopped contact) he texted me to see if I was safe and taking care (I live in Baltimore and there was all the rioting). I responded back keeping it short and simple…thanks, I am safe. I didn’t ask about how he was doing of about his work. I am confused why he would text – he said when it’s over w women he doesn’t continue contact. Just wanted your opinion. I really liked him and I can see how I was not my best self. It certainly has inspired me to get myself, my life more together. I kind of want to talk to him and I kind of don’t. I am afraid of looking needy. Plus maybe we just are not compatible. I will say I like being with someone where we can learn and grow – to better ourselves and have more understanding about the other (assuming the other person wants the same thing). Any advice/feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading this!

Reply May 1, 2015, 9:51 am

Alexis

Eric Charles – You’re very straightforward and I appreciate that. You mentioned in a response to not “get caught up in the mental concept” of the relationship. Especially for me – an intellectual thinker by nature – I have to constantly stay in the present. I have gotten so far with this particular gentleman and its because I take responsibility for my own happiness and self worth. The love comes from within. With this type of thinking, it becomes easy to be “okay” no matter what my guy is doing. Thank you for helping me understand that!

Reply April 29, 2015, 2:13 pm

Eufaula

Wow you’re handsome. Just had to put that out there.

Reply April 28, 2015, 7:04 pm

Lucy

Hi, your article was really interesting, thank you. So I’ve known this one guy for almost 20 years now. We’ve fooled around in the past and about 2 years ago tried seeing each other. I have always been shy with men, he knows me better than most men do though, and I ended up backing away from him, and I think it really hurt his feelings at the time. We started talking again about a year and a little ago, and it seems(much to my surprise) that he is still interested…. Is that a good sign? I’m really pretty dumb when it comes to men, and I really do like this guy a LOT!!!!
What should I do this time around(besides not walk away out of the blue) to not mess things up? He does seem into me, but we both seem pretty guarded emotionally… Any suggestions would be really appreciated, thank you!!!!

Reply April 27, 2015, 2:33 pm

Lucy

Hi, your article was really interesting, I read it because I’m nervous about trying to hook up with a good friend. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years now, and I’ve had an off and on crush on him since then. The time was never right until about 2 years ago, and the chemistry was amazing!!!! The only problem was I was super scared of getting my feelings hurt, and I’m pretty sure I hurt I his in the process.
Well, I’m trying for round two with him, but I’m scared. Gunther he muskrat Jinan like me

Reply April 27, 2015, 2:22 pm

Lucia

So I’ve been really confused about a guy I’ve hooked up with on and off for the past 20 years, I know, sounds crazy, right? In the past, I was super shy and was a large bloomer. We hooked up for a while about two years ago, and it was great in many ways but I got super freaked out that my feelings would get hurt. So I’m trying rooms two

Reply April 27, 2015, 2:16 pm

Miamigal

Very insightful! thank you

Reply April 23, 2015, 11:19 am

Nicole

I want to know a little more detail on how to become a “prize to be won”. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months, and I’m living with him. At first I thought I was giving that vibe off, that he was the one I was choosing to be with… How do I get that back? Self confidence is key, but it’s hard when your S.O. seems to only even be interested in women who look nothing like me, and it’s making me lose any self esteem I used to have. I’m trying to gain that back and not care that he’s more attracted to these other women.. but it’s really hard when I already have very little value in myself. I want him to want me like he did before, but it just doesn’t feel like I can make that happen.

Reply April 19, 2015, 9:20 pm

Karen

How can anyone move in with their “boyfriend” after only 5 months? Why is he interested in other woman? I do not understand. I read this kind of scenario often and wonder. I say get your own place. I don’t mean to leave him, but tell him you two rushed into this living arrangement too soon and you want to date him, but need to get perspective on your relationship.

Reply June 23, 2015, 3:05 pm

CJ

Eric,
I have learned so much from your advice.
But I haven’t seen this topic addressed.
How does a virgin date in the modern world?
PLEASE HELP.

My situation:
I am a woman of a certain age. I am extremely popular , I have fun in life and I love myself. I just have never been on a date. A guy has never asked me out – until now.
My girlfriends and guy friends have told me – the most important thing to a guy is sex. Some friends have told me a guy will not be interested once he finds out I am a big V.

The truth is I wanted to wait to get married.
I realize I am being old fashion . I have had friends ask me if I was abused. No I wasn’t. Friends have told me I need therapy and no guy will be willing to date me with no end result of sex.
Maybe if I was in a committed relationship I would feel like handing in my V card . But right now I want to hold on to my values.
But how do I date this new guy knowing he might not be interested when he finds out I am a Virgin.
Thank You ,
Signed
The big V!

Reply April 15, 2015, 8:25 am

Pearl

Keep it locked until you get a rock. You are what I call a high commodity and a prize to be won. You are one of the most valuable creatures on earth because virgins are a rarity. Keep those old fashioned values. Don’t give up the V and don’t give in because once you give it up, you’ll never get it back.

Reply April 26, 2015, 8:18 am

Carolina

By market value do you mean like physical appearance and sex appeal or that and the state of being meaning not needy and confident?

Reply April 12, 2015, 5:26 pm

maria

Wow! Your advice is worth a million bucks. It’s really valuable and I hope to apply your advice in my daily life. I read them often because I truly care about bettering myself and helping to grow my relationship. I have a long way to go, but this insight helps so much. Thank you.

Reply April 7, 2015, 10:46 pm

JC

When I became widowed back in 2013 I realized I had a lot to relearn and learn upon entering the dating world after 15 years of being a married woman. Thank God I read your article today because I can’t tell you how much material out there talks about “the Chase “- Yup; I think a lot of women are misinterpreting that and I’m glad that you gave me clarity on it today. I understood this article well and it had me reflecting on the first relationship that I had after my husband passed. I recall showing a lot of interest in something that he was passionate about and it worked for a little while but looking back I think he just got a little bit lazy. I’m aware that I’ll always be accountable for my 50% LOL. I’m continuing to read and learn as I go and I actually have another date in a few days with a new guy so this came at the right time. Thank you!

Reply March 22, 2015, 2:26 pm

Sabrina

Hi Eric, i have a question for you.
there is this guy who is always flirting with me and seems to be really interested in me. My friends even told him we would be cute together and he smiled and said “i know” but online he doesnt say a word to me although i see him online he doesnt respond to the comments i leave on his pictures. i dont have his number either so i dont know what to do. i really like him.

Reply March 19, 2015, 11:37 am

Abisola

Wow!!! Thank you so much. You just barely talked about my new boyfriend. I know he likes me and he has equally told me what he likes. He wants me to look sexy and show off my curvy self. He has encouraged me to start with my daily exercise again. And he is telling me a lot about his life in so short time we started the relationship. I love him but its hard for me to show it well but I am doing so by taking to his advice on how I shld look more feminine than my usual jeans and tang tops. I

Reply March 15, 2015, 5:49 am

Maria

Thanks sooooo much Eric for all this great info and emails about understanding men. You are my hero. Kuudoos to Sabrina too. I must confess you open my eyes everyday to the inner world of men.
However I have a dilemma. I met an amazing guy 8months ago who liked me and i liked him on first meeting him though ive held on to confess what i feel about him. We are long distance now coz he lost his job and moved back to his home town last year and has a sick Mum to take care of. He’s open and honest telling me everything that goes on in his life. I call him not too often coz i want to give him space with all he’s going through. I went to his apartment and found another woman’s items though i was calm and asked him about it then he told me she’s just a friend. He shares his dreams, some of his fears and wishes with me but of late i tried to reach out to him and he ignored my calls. He rarely calls me but that does not bother me much. Am thinking because he asked me the last time we talked whether he can let me take care of his apartment and i said yes to see his response though deep down am not ready to do that for now. I like this guy coz we enjoy each moment we are in touch. I need your advice as usual. Thanks alot Eric.

Reply March 12, 2015, 9:50 am

Val

How does the man know that our market value is high? I don’t think it’s a good idea to try and make someone jealous in order for them to see that we could choose to be with other men, or to tell them about how other men approach us, ask us out etc.

Also, what if a woman would like for her man to verbally express how he feels about her or their newish relationship (it’s 3 months in). If she knows they like each other due to almost daily contact and continuing to arrange to see each other, how it feels when together and knowing they are exclusive, however a little verbal security would be nice. Is it ok he hasn’t said how he feels etc? (Both divorced with kids)

Reply March 5, 2015, 9:22 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Val — first off, just to be clear… you’re right, no, I am definitely not suggesting you do any of the things you’re describing in the first paragraph of your question… those would all be poisonous to a relationship at any stage.
I’ll tell you a secret about how a man knows your market value is high: it’s almost entirely in what you AREN’T doing.
You’re not worried. You’re not seeking reassurance. You’re not seeking security. You’re not analyzing. You’re not pretending not to be doing any of the things I just mentioned…
You’re stable, grounded and enjoying your time with him. It’s pretty clear and apparent that if you’re attractive (in all ways, not just physically but also emotionally and romantically) that other men will want you… and that you have choices…
As far as the second part of your question goes… have you tried simply telling him that? “What I have with you feels great, but it would really make me feel good and happy to hear you say how you feel about me… it may not be the way you are and I’m not looking to try and force something out of you, I just wanted to tell you it would make me happy so you knew.”
Nice, clear, straight-forward language is great for guys… “Do this, it makes me happy. Do that, it turns me on” Much more effective then hoping he’ll “just know” what you want…
Now, with that said, I’m not saying this is going to make him start lilting sweet nothings into your ear… but you’ll have made it clear how to make you happy and if he doesn’t at least attempt to within a reasonable amount of time, then that’s an answer for you too…

Reply March 5, 2015, 11:18 pm

Cierra

Eric,

This article is extremely enlightening to the perceptively important things we as young woman feel we need to do/say/be in order to welcome a healthy relationship. Market Value. I’m loving your terminology- that is 100% correct. Market Value comes from within- we accept what we feel like we deserve. Thanks for reminding me that my stock is MUCH higher than I was ever getting myself credit for.
“Be the woman who is CHOOSING to be with him every day because he is the best fit for YOU, and because he knows he is winning with you.” Couldn’t have come at a better time! 🙂

Reply March 2, 2015, 12:34 pm

Mich

Eric – thank you for this article. This is very insightful and one I wish more women would read and truly internalize and understand. I am in a very unique situation with a man who lives in a different state. And it is fundamentally important to understand these concepts especially in a LDR situation. Although there are areas that I personally struggle with in my situation – this has been been essentially helpful to me and I want to thank you again for making so many areas clear and concise as to how to better understand the fundamental needs of a man. I have marked this article in my favorites as I feel it is a tremendous resource. Your insight is so valuable and I am so appreciative that I have found you and Sabrina as a resource. Thank you again. Best regards.

Reply February 20, 2015, 8:45 am

Dana

I’ve been dating a great guy for nearly six months. We are both divorced but he was devastated by his divorce. He shares all of his feelings with me and is in therapy to deal with his feelings. He is sweet, attentive, and affectionate when we are together. He texts me everyday. I know he cares deeply for me and respects me. Our physical chemistry is incredible. But he needs alot of space; more than I am used to and prefer. I’ve expressed that I would like to spend more time together and he says he understands and will try but nothing seems to be changing. I thinks its a matter of attachment styles. He says he needs more time to feel the way I feel. How important is attachment style in a long term relationship? Do I give it more time?

Reply February 20, 2015, 7:55 am

ogbenche

I like. This

Reply April 29, 2015, 11:36 am

jane

The way you have described each and everything is just brilliant… i could relate to each and everything and moreover i got to know where I was going wrong!
I loved your idea of ‘market value’ and I cleared my misconception with the ‘make him chase’ part. Thanks a lot! Keep writing!

Reply February 20, 2015, 6:38 am

Danyel

So I get the market value.. My question is, when you are dating a guy and he does something you do not like. You want to be with him, because everything else is perfect, but there is that one thing he does you don’t like. And he knows you don’t like it. If you accept it, does that make your ” market value ” decrease. ? How do you handle this?

Reply February 16, 2015, 6:48 pm

Eric Charles

One thing to be careful of is being caught up in your head and thinking about the mental concept of your relationship… versus simply just enjoying your time with someone.

Our culture is obsessed with doing that… the relationship starts out fun… inspiring… easy… awesome…

And then our minds get involved and start saying things like, “What’s going on here? Let me categorize the experience and put it into mental boxes… Let me judge what’s going on… Let me start working on the relationship like it’s a chess game…”

Granted, I don’t know the thing you don’t like… I will say that no matter what, whether you’ve been with a person for 1 day or 100 years, you will do well to develop the ability to “be OK” no matter what the other person is doing…

I’m not saying you prefer what they’re doing or you accept poor treatment… but there’s a tremendous difference between someone who is OK no matter what and someone who has a negative reaction to how the other person is acting…

So first and foremost, finding a way to “be OK” internally (that is, not react to his behavior) is an important skill. It keeps your mind open and clear… and when you’re open and clear, a lot of the time the “problem” ends up dissolving… or even not becoming a problem in the first place… The big lesson here: In almost all cases, it’s the “problem” that’s the problem… it’s our reaction to it.

No, with that said… assuming you’re in a place of being clear and OK… it really comes down to if the problem is a deal breaker for you or not. When you’re clear and OK, you can easily see that.

When you’re not clear and OK, you’ll endlessly loop in a cycle… wishing and wanting reality to be different than it is… poking and prodding at things to try and “solve” the “problem”… endlessly analyzing the situation and it’s possible repercussions. And other than being a tremendous energy-suck, it does you no good whatsoever.

I don’t think you expected me to answer with this… but I hope you can take it in and I hope it’s helpful to you.

Reply February 16, 2015, 7:48 pm

Sandy

Hi there,
I wondered if you had any advice about finding balance between understanding men and walking away when interest levels decline and withdrawals increase. I’ve read your book and I think I’ve made some good choices by stepping back so far however, I still get confused about choosing what’s best for me when it comes to decisions about when to let go. My own insecurities can cause me to obsess at times when I feel longing for more of the deep affection we have shared. I’ve been afraid to express this at times, due to his seemingly obvious lack of interest. Then I find that when I do mentally decide to move on, he comes around or gives just enough for me to change my tune. I want to leave it all open but unfortunately, the sex added some confusion for me due to the closeness I feel after we have connected again. I won’t get in to much else, but I wanted to know what your thoughts are, since neither my heart or gut are telling me anything right now. Thanks for your wonderful insights and perspectives that have helped me so much already in dealing with my own thoughts and emotions. : )

Reply March 13, 2015, 4:09 pm

Kate

You are brilliant! The way you connected all the dots…and made them plain as day is simply brilliant. 🙂

Reply February 15, 2015, 9:26 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks, I really appreciate that. Glad it was helpful.

Reply February 16, 2015, 7:39 pm

Nicole

Hi- question: I’ve always been in very good shape and taken care of myself but the last 6 months things got hectic and I gained a few lbs. it’s in my belly area and I hate it!! Im getting my act together and intent on loosing it ASAP but I’ve met a guy who is in great shape! I know he’s interested and he compliments me but he hasnt seen me naked yet. I’m so nervous for that moment. Is it possible he will all
If sudden be grossed out by a few extra pounds? I’m by no means fat and still fit just have a little extra in the belly that I typically don’t have. I’ve already told him I’m not in the shape I like to be in, etc. any other advice in how to feel confident in bed, if we get that far? Thanks Nikki

Reply February 14, 2015, 9:10 pm

Kim

I love this article. I’ve been dating a man for 3 1/2 years who I adore, but we are getting nowhere!!! We have lots of fun when we are together, but spend a lot of time apart – I want a commitment from him, but he’s been reluctant – and now I know why! I also recently lost some weight, and have a really handsome co-worker interested in me, and now my man is finally getting the point that I am someone who he needs to win. This article will help me bring him to where I want him to be – if not, then he’s not the man for me and I can look toward a new guy who is! Thank you for this amazing advice!

Reply February 13, 2015, 2:43 pm

Ronda

Hi Eric! First, I would like to thank you for sharing your perspective with us. You have really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I am recently divorced (2 months to date). I was with my husband for 25 years, which is more than half my life. The dating scene has really changed and for an insecure person like myself feels almost impossible to survive. I was seeing a man for about a month and I have made some of the mistakes that I have read about in your articles. I guess I was somewhat “needy”. I NEVER wanted to be that way, but my insecurities from my past reared their ugly head. We have not completely stopped seeing each other. We have just take the label of “boyfriend/girlfriend” off the table. We, or at least he, plans on seeing me about the same amount or so he says. There is a connection with us, but we both believe that we jumped into a relationship way too soon. My question to you is in your personal opinion, can I overcome this hiccup in this relationship/friendship? He told me that he wants to see where it goes. I do believe that he honestly cares for me. However, he has some drawbacks in that I may be moving in a few months, etc. I’m trying to learn to roll with the punches, but it’s very hard. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank You.

Reply February 11, 2015, 11:56 am

j

best article till date to understand men.

Reply February 4, 2015, 3:10 pm

julie

great information! thanks

Reply February 1, 2015, 2:44 am

hellokitty

Yes, thank you. It was very great advice and it helped me to understand the opposite sex better. It made a lot of sense to me.

Hello Kitty

Reply January 25, 2015, 11:48 pm

mon zie

I read ‘he’s not that complicated’ I little bit late, I am reading yours articles and Sabrina. I did so many things wrong, but Other site, my man wasnt ready for beeing with close relationship with anybody.
Now, after time, I am reading and I am greatful for all advice. Mabye he’s feelings thoes he had for me just are fell asleep, or mabye he is with someone else, I dont know. But I am stronger and understand men much more better as before. I always was a one step behinde to beeing more happy thogeter not only with myself.
I know ,if he will comes back to me, never dont leave me again, or if I met sombody new he will be the real happy man with me. Thank you so much Erick and Sabrina 🙂

Reply January 24, 2015, 5:48 pm

Brandi

This was the best article that I’ve read in a long time. I took a lot of notes while reading it and I’m going to add it to my favorites so that I can re-read it. I really like how it talks about “market value.” This concept seems so true. Men don’t want a woman who just wants to be in a relationship so that she’s not alone. Men seem to want independent women that can take care of themselves, but would like the companionship if the right guy came along.
There’s so much more that I could comment on, but I will leave it at that so I don’t write a book!

Reply January 16, 2015, 9:58 am

Mera

Hey, Eric! Very well-witten article! I am a teenager
with a theory about the young man (the ONLY guy) I’ve
been interested in. He seems to be interested but holding
back. He tells me that he loves me…alot. “Hello, love!” He
would say..And it makes me smile. He is very mature and loyal. I am not sure if i
understand his context. What do you think? Thanks!

Reply January 15, 2015, 8:25 pm

Bonnie

Great article, I love hearing the inner workings of the male mind. But tbh my actually comment is about your eyes. They’re absolutly gorgeous!

Reply January 10, 2015, 8:32 pm

CW

Hello Eric, I bought the program with 60 days for review and a refund. To my surprise, I was charged twice…w/in 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I did not find the books, bonuses I paid for to be useful. I didn’t realize I would be charged for the woman’s program or would never opted for it, esp, monthly! This was promoted on your video as a bonus and again with 60 days to review, imagine my surprise to be charged twice. I relied on the integrity of what you claim in your video however, I’ve been trying for over a week to get this straightened out. My account keeps little funds in it so $40 debited without my accounting for it becomes a problem. I’ve emailed you and Sabrina a couple of times as well as c/s. Called ClickBank but got nowhere. I hate to have to get my bank involved but may be left with no choice if no results by Monday. It’s an inconvenience for me but I do want my $80 back. Thank you. No offense, I’m sure you’re helping others it just didn’t do anything for my situation. If you want to discuss further, I’ll be happy to do so out off this realm. Regards, CW

Reply January 10, 2015, 10:02 am

CW

In case you’re wondering why $80…. $40 for the original that gave the 60 day review for a full refund and then $40 for the 2nd charge 2 weeks later that was not authorized. $39.99 each Totals – $79.98.

Reply January 10, 2015, 10:06 am

Dana

Interestingly I just had a conversation about “winning” with the guy I’ve been dating for four months. He admitted to needing to feel like he’s won whether its his work in sales, his sports fantasy leagues, or his relationships. He said he HATES losing. He’s been separated for over 2 years from his ex-wife of nearly 25 years and still feels like he “lost” to a “less worthy opponent” when she left him. While he is working through these issues I think it keeps him from being able to fully commit to a new relationship. He is affectionate and we enjoy each other immensely. I agree with all of the other insights here and our relationship is spot on with them but he says its still not quite there for him in terms of feeling love.

Reply January 9, 2015, 9:07 am

Christina

I really enjoy all of your articles. I’ve been subscribed to your emails for a while now but it’s really good to be able to search for answers to questions as they arise. You break things down so well and make them easy to understand. Thanks.

Reply January 7, 2015, 11:22 pm

ann

I think this article is dead on point. Thanks and keep more like this coming.

Reply January 4, 2015, 12:29 pm

Karla

I would certainly agree with every bit of information you have shared. I found that my self esteem has to come before my boyfriend. Even if I am dying to spend time with him, I have to make me #1. If I feel ugly, I hear no compliments from him! Therefore, I definitely go the extra mile to look good in my mirror. I don’t know if he sees it too, or he has that sixth sense or whatever…..but I definitely like it when he refers to me as “beautiful”. When I feel good, life is pink and I smile more often. But when my everyday life is not great…..well, you can imagine….

Reply December 28, 2014, 2:55 pm

Lulu

Hey Eric, great post. However, I was hoping you could clarify a comment please. You state “What does work is…being a woman that men need to earn. What does that mean? It means that not every man could have you. Only the best man can have you – the man who wins you”.
What exactly do you mean by “have you?”

Reply December 27, 2014, 10:11 pm

Becca

I always love everything you have to say Eric. You are my guru! Believe it or not but you have stopped me from making the WORST moves of my life. You have rescued me from my most poisonous mindsets and you really have changed me into a happy care-free girl that doesn’t stress whether I’ll get the guy or not. So thank you, your words mean everything!
-becca

Reply December 27, 2014, 12:52 pm

Jillian

That was the BEST article I’ve ever read!!! THANK YOU for sharing!!!

Reply December 21, 2014, 12:03 pm

Tre'sor

First off, I love your posts and truly take them to heart, especially your advice on what a man wants. But I still can’t seem to get the guy I want. Not to sound cocky or vain, but I exhibit the traits listed of what attracts men, yet I still get friend-zoned or nothing happens between the guy and me. I don’t know where I’m going wrong.

Reply December 10, 2014, 10:35 pm

Isa

The mindset has to be: ” all men want me” “there are plenty of fish along the sea”. You can try with him again if you want, maybe date other men before and relax in the moment. Keep on reading about relationships, read again Erick& Sabrina program until is part of you, enjoy your life, be your best friend. Sex only after you talk exclusivity and long term if this is what you want.

Reply December 8, 2014, 7:35 pm

Janna

My name is Janna and I am so glad I get to read your column as well as educate myself from your program. You have helped me so much! I do have a question; if I have “shared” a little more rhen I should have but want to get back to being the prize that is earned, are there steps I can take to basically redeem myself with a certain guy or do I just write it off and move on and make an effort to not be so “ready” so to speak?

Reply December 8, 2014, 11:42 am

jessica

Hi my name is Jessica and I really enjoy the daily emails U and sabrina sends me they really do help and for the longest time I couldn’t keep a relationship but I been learning how to be a better girlfriend slowly but I’m getting it with all the advise u guys give me so thank u I really do appreciate it

Reply November 25, 2014, 6:16 pm

Sandy

Most insightful articles I have ever read about relationships with men. I love to read everything you write. I really am getting it. Now I just need to put it into practice. Thank you!

Reply November 23, 2014, 4:36 pm

alma

Ver y specific, insightful, Andrea

Prácticas. Please continúe with thi

Reply November 20, 2014, 1:13 pm

Tj

I don’t under what you mean by winning. Could you elaborate a bit more?

Reply November 15, 2014, 2:21 pm

Lovely gal

Hi Eric,

Thx so much for kept writing email everyday to me and this article really taught me abt relationship wt men. I thk u are he best relationship coach ever and sincerely out there to help the single lady to understand how men actually operate. I m 38, Asean n brought up in a conservative society. this year, suddenly I felt I would like to hv a relationship. I do have dates but I dun date man that intellectually not compatible. In a sense picky. I work long hr and hardly meet new guy. lately, A friend told me about tinder, I download for 2 days and met a guy. Deleted e apps anyway. Find it is difficult to talk to strangers after 2 days. Anyway. We click, I just couldn’t figure out whether a man looking for a relationship or a fling. felt that part is stressful. Your sharing till now help me to evaluate every situation and see things more clearly. Just wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the sharing with all the readers here. It help to clear some of our confusion and see thing more clearly and hopefully less heartache and less broken heart for all the single ladies out there. Ladies then to give 200% in all the relationship we go in, maybe that really kill e relationship at the early stage of the friendship. Thanks again , Eric.

Reply November 6, 2014, 9:20 am

Ju-Ju

Correct me if I’m wrong. It looks to me what you were trying to say, wasn’t run out and find a posse, or fan club to prove that you are a prize to be won, and kept?. Instead more like this —

That if his friends act a bit envious about the two of you. He feels lucky to have you.

Or your man gets a vibe from other guys, even just going out in public and he leaves you for a moment to come back to find a guy chatting you up. That you are a catch?
It reminds your man, that he’s lucky to have you, without you doing anything at all to encourage it. Like when I work on my car at my bf’s place, and his friends comment that she’s a keeper.. or a cool chick. Can I borrow her? She knows more about cars then me, send her to my place next???

“No pimping me out!” I’d reply with a grin.

He knows what he’s got, and he can imagine the rest. I was just working on my motor. His friends, or other guys, will see your connection, and if they don’t have one in their own relationship, or lack of relationship at all – Your man will sense their approval, and envy, and it will remind him that he’s the winner in your love life.

I don’t think you meant, go out and get a crowd of other options (guys) to hoover over you to make him jealous.

Great article! You’re doing a bang up job.. keep ’em coming Eric.

Cheers

Reply November 5, 2014, 7:25 pm

Ju-Ju

Oh.. and I mention that only because I saw some red flags in the comments, about that. I got your point, and it was well laid out, but I just wanted to add an example to help out the ones who didn’t seem to get it.
Cheers

Reply November 5, 2014, 7:29 pm

Ju-Ju

PRIDE, and yet humble, were the words i was looking for. Not arrogant, or narcissist, just make him smile and beam with pride by the actions and reactions you two get from each other. Instill some pride in him, for being with you around his friends and other guys, and people in general. And it will point out that you are the prize he’s won!
Is that correct Eric?

Reply November 5, 2014, 7:35 pm

funnyguy

You know what I really want in a girl??

Me.

Reply November 5, 2014, 2:59 am

Comfort chioma

Elo Eric, i love this article xo xo much. Thanks to u, it realy helped…

Reply November 3, 2014, 7:52 pm

Jules

An excellent, straight forward article. Men really are awesome..they know what’s right in life and what’s important and they need women in retun who are authentic and will allow them to step up and show their best, and what’s right and important. Thank you.

Reply November 1, 2014, 3:54 pm

Elfie

Eric,

thank you so very much for SPELLING IT OUT!!!
Finally, I understand clearly.
Your writing is highly appreciated so please continue by all means.

Reply October 29, 2014, 12:09 am

Shannon

Being the prize doesn’t necessarily mean having a group of guys waiting around incase the man your interested in isn’t pursuing you. It’s more like having the mind set that you are not going to settle for any man that’s putting in minimal effort. When you have this mind set you are pretty much showing your man that you do not need him, but you do want him if he is putting in the effort. By having this mind set you have a more positive vibe to yourself and you appear more desirable to your man and other men. So you really don’t need to have a group of guys waiting around to show your man that your desirable! Yet, if your man isn’t measuring up, it wouldn’t hurt to have a line of other options (Don’t put all your eggs in one basket unless, you know your man has also.)

Reply October 25, 2014, 1:38 am

Alanna

THANK YOU for saying this; this really clarified what I was particularly confused about. I couldn’t imagine that men want to live in fear of losing their woman all the time. To me that’s a miserable existence, whether or not it gives the man an opportunity to “win” or not. I guess in a way that doesn’t work either because it’s like he’s fighting a losing battle, if he’s constantly in fear of losing you because you deliberately make it as if you would leave at any time. This really straightened me out–the mindset that you’re not going to settle for any man who is putting in minimal effort, and an increased sense of your own self which I’ve always strived for and admired in other people (my own mom is like this and is married 28 years with my dad). The idea of not needing but wanting to be with the man is the key there I’m sure. Thanks again for putting it in these words.

Reply December 28, 2014, 4:03 am

Munchkins

So I guess my question is this: If a woman is considered a “prize” based on the fact that she has many suitors and chose this one specific guy, how do you make yourself look like a prize without involving all these other men in your life? Is it enough just to look extra good when the 2 of you go out just so that men are gawking at you, or must you actually have a line of pursuers? (Which ends up looking like a bit of game-playing when you’re only interested in him)

Reply October 24, 2014, 5:12 pm

Angel

How do i make him think of me as a prize?

Reply October 23, 2014, 6:08 am

anastacia

This guy and I have been seeing each other for a few weeks and he has already introduced me to part of his family and his son. I keep saying we are taking things slow yet he has already left belongings in my home. He says it’s to be comfortable when he comes over. Which I believe is my own fault for allowing him to stay over , night cap. He stays with his sons mother and tells me they have nothing and I’m his lady , so how do I slow things down without making him disappear? Don’t get me wrong I am very much interested although his sons mother has made me feel very uncomfortable, when she found out about our relationship. Not to mention he had their son sleep over my home as well. Now he is planning a trip to Rochester, NY to meet some other family members. Are these signs that he wants to be serious or is he just playing the game to get what he can? ( side note: since we have been dating he has asked for things financially and I have given it to him… cabs to see me , miscellaneous items … it’s reached in the hundreds by now I would say.)

Reply October 20, 2014, 11:00 pm

Anita

Dump him. He is using you. You should not be paying his cabs. You are the prize. He will find a way to pay. He is not into you. He stays with his son’s mother because she supports him too.

Reply November 12, 2014, 2:35 am

Gabriela

Well actually, I am 49 yo mom. Hapily married for 23 years. I am reading articles about relationships because I have a 18 y.o. who has some difficulty understanding men and women relationships. She has never had a boyfriend but there was a guy she really, really liked and she went and told him that. He got scared of course. Even the word “like” scared him 🙂
Your article made me realize many things: in my time 😉 it was different…or so I think. But your articles helped me to understand why my daughter’s approach to relationships is a little off. I forwarded her you link so that she can read about this and see that some mistakes she made were the reasons the guy she liked left.
She also is a girl that doubts about herself and focuses a lot in her bad sides and less so in her good sides. She is beautiful. I am not saying because I am her mom, but, everybody tells me how beautiful, delicate, elegant and intelligent she is. She just does not believe it. I guess her negative attitude about herself is a “turn off” 🙂
Anyways, I really like your articles and they are very enlightening. Keep up the good work.

Reply October 20, 2014, 11:56 am

lyn

hi eric
i just wanted to say thank you for sending me emails..i enjoyed and loved so much advises here…very informative to a woman like me..i learned and it helps a lot to me..though i am in a long distance relationship..i like your daily articles..very straight and honest..
thank you so much..god bless!
lyn

Reply October 17, 2014, 2:42 am

Des

I may have read this before and will prolly come back to it again….
Your information is useful.
I’m stubborn I admit but it’s because I am becoming aware of how important it is to protect my emotions. Love can come at me with all forces and sometimes knock me off my feet. I feel more sure of my direction and confident that I can move on without worrying if I tried to hard. Building a relationship is not one of my profession and it’s what I seek the most. Thanks for the tips because I feel that they have already been helpful from the read the second time around.

Reply October 17, 2014, 1:38 am

Bee

Hi Eric,

Thank you so much for this article and the time you take to ensure you touch all subjects, this one in particular helped so much today. I love all the input you and Sabrina give, but the male mind is what I’m intrigued in learning about and what better than reading from an actual man’s perspective. You’re awesome! Look forward to reading your next book.

Bee.

Reply October 16, 2014, 6:28 pm

Stefanie

Hey Eric,
You keep saying to make him feel like he won you. Basically he sees other competition and is determined to have you but that only works in a situation where he sees you almost everyday. I and this boy met just after high school in 2012 and we let each other know about the feeling we have. He asked me out but i said no ,I wasn’t ready at the time. He still said he feelings are the same. Till today that throws me off because i do not understand his reaction. Now we are in different colleges he is in Canada and I’m in the US. How would i make him feel that there is actually competition since he is not around to see other guys around me.

Reply October 16, 2014, 3:03 pm

judy

The trick is to BE busy. Don’t think about him all day. Do something you love don’t make it seem like he’s all you’re thinking about i.e. texting him everyday sending him emails calling him i mean you can, just not a lot. If you guys are still in contact, just sound happy and make it seem like you had a great day with a lot of fulfillment and you had a lot of fun then he’s going to be like, hmm really? I wonder who she’s talking to. Everybody wants to talk to the happy person. Just be happy and when he calls you don’t pick up all the time. Let him leave a message.

Reply October 19, 2014, 4:11 pm

Dusica Stojkovich

Eric, again you are the beat relationship coach for me. There is a lots to do
wirh your philology background.
That’s not all of course, lots to do is your talent to understand human nature, your
Insight and , masculinity.

I love the fact that you are perfectionist.

It is not always to your advantage , but it is not changeable.

I am the same – hard to fit into world and find people on thw same wave lenght.

Keep doing wonderful job !

Love and peace to you !
Dusica

Reply October 16, 2014, 12:27 pm

lotuswithexperience

forget all this turn yourself into a pretzel logic. there is one criteria for loving a man. do they love their mother? was she loving? if they hate their mom’s they are not available. if they have a healthy, loving, fun respectful with boundaries, relationship with their mother’s, they are viable. anything else is spinning your wheels. many men have personality disorders and are narcissists. learn to spot the difference.

Reply October 16, 2014, 9:25 am

narcmagnet

You are so right! All I have attracted is some form of narcissistic men. All about them, I guess I do settle for the wrong people. Working on getting out now because I just discovered he has been posting adds and responding to craigslist adds for casual encounters. I beat myself up because I should have known…..the signs were all there, I just chose not to see them ;(

Reply October 16, 2014, 9:48 am

Melissa

I really appreciated the honesty of this article. Men are very complex and it takes reading an article like this to remind me of that.

Thank you and I look forward to reading more.

Reply October 16, 2014, 8:51 am

Grace

This article really struck a chord with me, thank you.

Woefully I’ve been dating the mask of a guy for 6 months, he’s keeping me at arms length because he’s afraid of commitment. Says he’s too young for one (he’s 22). I’m not looking to settle down, I just want a fun relationship and someone to be adventurous with! I do think he likes me but I am not capitalising on the fact that I could be making him earn my time more as he’s recently distanced himself and treats me as more of an option now compared to a few months back. I deserve better. I’ve been asked out a lot (have gone on dates) but have my heart set on him so haven’t pursued other guys actively.
Do you think there’s still a chance if I start behaving on par with my ‘market value’?

Reply October 16, 2014, 7:55 am

Natalie

Hi Eric,

Great post! After reading about a woman’s “market value” I would like to know if it’s possible to increase your value with a man if it had originally been low? Is there any way to become a “prize” again and help your man feel like he has won someone amazing?

Thanks for your help and advice!

Regards

Natalie

Reply October 16, 2014, 6:41 am

Camille

Dear Eric & Sabrina I love your daily emails and all the insights into men’s psyche. I’m a 68 year old and still learning so much from your advice. After 24 years marriage to an older man, and Since my divorce over 20 years ago, for whatever reason have always dated younger men. Some for 4, 5 or 10″years. However, except for one man, it is only my current boyfriend of 5 months who @61 I find I love deeply and has made me want to stay in a longer relationship with. Though he has dated many women, he has told me that he loves and our relationship. But Last night I had to expose my real age because he is booking airline tickets! Blast the new TSA rules! Now we will see if this will make or break us as The plane trip is not yet confirmed? Yes, I’m 7 years his senior and yes we are both in great shape but He thought, due to a mutual friends suspicion, that I was only 2 years older. Though most of your advice is for younger women, it all is universal and timeless, and I am hoping that I will be able to continue to explore and learn. What other insights would you be able to give me on this point of age difference? No I’m not a cougar! I’m just a woman who enjoys men in general but have lots of women friends and have always kept my social life active outside of my male relationships. However, for me this one is a keeper! Many thanks for your great columns. Regards Camille

Reply October 9, 2014, 9:25 am

Linda

Why should it make a difference if it’s 7 years not two? Act as if it makes no difference to you and hopefully he will act the same. Good luck.

Reply October 16, 2014, 7:01 am

Samantha

I just want to say I’m so thankful for such great material such as this article and many more by you guys! My dating life couldn’t be more wonderful! I’ve literally turned into a male magnet over the last few weeks and more importantly I’m feeling more positive and happy then ever! My guy friend I’ve been talking to for a year now whom seemed allergic to commitment is finally stepping up to win me over and claim me as his own. He has been opening doors, being so sweet again, calling me his gf and taking any and every opportunity he can to see me. Truth is I lost myself a little after meeting him bc I started fantasizing of a future and began haVing unconscious expectations out of him which just flooded the relationship with negative energy and was being more of a chore then a healthy relationship. Now everything feels natural and meant to be and I am not shy and insecure with him. I realized I did have a great man if he was willing to stick by my side through all my craziness. Also, our sex has been greater then ever and are way more open and comfortable with each other even in the bedroom! Thanks so much! I couldn’t be happier with myself and with my current relationship!

Reply October 6, 2014, 5:38 pm

Ruth

Thank you soo much for writing this article!!!!
It has helped me realise where I have been going wrong for the past few months and the simple and easy steps to build on my relationship.
NEVER STOP WRITING THESE ARTICLES, WOMEN LIKE ME NEED PEOPLE LIKE YOU

Reply October 6, 2014, 11:19 am

Tina

I’ve been seeing a guy for about three weeks now and we have gone on two dates. I really like him, but I am not seeking a “relationship” title right now. I think he likes that. I haven’t gone out with anyone else, but he knows other guys are also pursing me. I think the fact that I don’t constantly seek his approval, I am confident, I am spending my time with him and not the other potential “beau’s,” and I have a positive mindset is what he is attracted to. Do you agree? I am not trying to be over-confident, but I am just being myself and this article seemed interesting, so I thought I would shed some light on my situation.

Reply October 3, 2014, 3:14 am

Elspeth

Thank you so much, Eric, for sharing your knowledge and wisdom.I feel a lot more confident! I have been enlightened! You are very kind and thoughtful.

Reply September 28, 2014, 6:34 am

Ren

Thank you Eric for help making this world a better place. I enjoyed reading your articles, as I know I’m learning to be wiser everyday bringing me closer to be a better me and learn to make a right decision in life. Just sometimes when I read or listen to relationship advice from you or other relationship experts; a part of me always ask myself, do I have to do this and that other than being myself to find a right guy, so that when I found one I won’t have to worry about wearing a mask and not being myself. As a reader, if there’s one thing I could say to all relationship expert I think that would be it.
Have a nice day.

Reply September 27, 2014, 10:49 pm

Justina

Hi Eric, thank you for an article, I do follow your articles and do re-read them ,does better for my understanding.
Here is the thing. The high market value,Im full time employed,fit,student,have other interests,Im quite busy and the man Im interested in knows I get asked out by other men. now he has two kids that full time at his home,self employed basically he is super busy as well. I do not want to keep continuously casually putting in the conversations with him (as he asks) that I get asked out/evening out with friend..and so on to make him see I am desirable,I do not overdress,I have sociable and confident enough persona. All of that naturally states I have a quite high market value.
We were going out exclusively but we split up due to him being taken aback by some circumstances and he is asking me out again now.He is 33 I am 26. He wants a one real relationship as well as I. but after a split up I feel awkward, how do I keep my market value so he would step in towards committed relationship,I feel telling him everytime he asks if Im going out with someone,is becoming annoying and how do I encourage him to invest more, as I feel the life style with kids is overcharged with responsibilities. He does have feelings for me as I do have for him. But I do want all to advance to commitment.
Thank you

Reply September 17, 2014, 5:52 pm

Marlett

How do you maintain your “market value”..or what do you have to do to be that? Obviously its not obtained by being a slut or anything like that im just curious as to what does a girl gotta do to keep up the market value and how should ahe prioritize her time?

Reply September 16, 2014, 2:18 am

Jessica Bianchi

Hi Eric, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated this article… as I appreciate all of your work. You are honest and explain things straight and to the point. You give intelligent advice based on your honest experiences, and I think it’s so great that you share it with us. Thank you :-). Jessica

Reply September 15, 2014, 2:42 pm

Perrine

Hello Eric,

I have a question … What do you mean by earning me? I haven’t really made him chase me at the start of the relationship; rather, I was the one who asked him out in a way.
But it’s been almost 4 months since we’ve been together and I feel like everything is going fine.

Unfortunately, I’m a woman who is overly-paranoid and overly-analyses stuffs … So when you say ‘Earning’ … What exactly do you mean by that?

Thank you for your honest answer,
Perrine

Reply September 15, 2014, 11:46 am

Dana

Hi Eric,
I may say your article is more than just ”great”.Keep on with the good work.
There is also a question I have for you based on this article: I usually am interested in what people (not only guys) around me like and ask a lot of questions but why every guy things I’m flirting all the time? All I want is to know more about them and nothing else…

Reply September 14, 2014, 5:54 am

isa

Great article. It feels good to know what men want in a woman and work at it.
I just want to add that a women should make herself attractive not for a man but for herself. What is attractive anyway? being healthy, happy, a nice figure would be nice specially if it is for a healthy diet and adequate exercise, nice clothes and makes her feel good about herself. I was talking to my fitness instructor, she looks great and slim. She said that she loves what she does but she gets paid for it too. I did not asked her if she did not get paid for being fit, she will indulge with her favorite desserts, besides, some people are naturally slim.

A problem comes when one person likes fit and expect her partner to follow and this does not happens or when you like somebody athletic and you are not athletic and he minds, or when you married you were athletic and then you gain weight and can not get back on shape because sometimes this happens with the hormones or lifestyle.

The thing is ,you do not know if you can get through this or if this will cause stress until you are in the situation. Again, shape to be healthy because whatever the outcome you have to deal with life and yourself first.

And regarding of taste for how you spend your free time, what if you love to read, listen to music and watch tv in your free time and he loves to ride his bicycle and go out doors and you are allergic to mosquitoes ? Or if he hates red dresses and you love red ? will it cause conflict ? can you deal with it an still be happy ? What if you love concerts and he hates it?.

At the beginning of the relationship if people like each other enough , they can do things that they do not like that much until they marry and they show their real selfs. How will you deal with it? will you deal with it and be happy ? will you accept it or try to change it ? How you deal with the situation , what he deals with the situation, that is important too. Just live day by day .

Reply September 13, 2014, 7:41 pm

fifu

He is merried man l love deeply and he is the same as told me and his action but he change his mind all time today he said he need to leave his wife and made promise and broken his promise after two week with out any reason as he told me he confused and I need to stop and out of from these realashioship .I sacrifice alot time but now he hhe hurts me .Because he need to stop and he need to live with his wife .as he told me he lieved for sixteen years and he never happy one day and have two children my confusion if he is not happy why he left me and back to his wife please Eric I need help.to your iinformation our life standard is different his economy is low and my economy is I am bisiness women please I need help.

Reply September 13, 2014, 7:25 pm

sandy

Dont have much to say but I absolutely LOVE reading your work .So insightful and thankful for you! GREAT JOB:)

Reply September 13, 2014, 6:46 pm

Cherry

Hi Eric,
I have been following your articles for a year. I like the whole no-sugar coated advise style. I am a direct person myself and I appreciate that kind of approach to almost everything in life. I have learned so much from your articles. But reading is not enough. We must apply them. I am applying your suggestions. I am an educated, smart, good looking woman. I am encouraging, funny and all over a fun person to be with. However, I made the mistake of not showing myself like a prize. I was too humble and gave too much credit to men’s intuition (and anyone around in that matter, including family and so-called friends). I AM a big prize. I always knew it but I misrepresented myself. Your articled woke me up. Now I am acting like it. I am showing people that I am aware of my capacity, I am confident, and I won’t spend time with anyone for the sake of it. It makes so much difference. People respect those who they can’t reach, don’t they? Humans are funny creatures. Everything is about us is paradox, yet so simple.

Thank you for sharing your expert opinions and wisdom with us. Much respect and love to you from Chicago. xoxox

Reply September 13, 2014, 5:42 pm

Bhakti

Sometimes you just gotta give a guy space to come to you. If he really likes you he will. Once he gets a taste of a real intimate connection like you’re saying, Eric, he wants more of it. Guys need to feel safe too. If what he needs is to focus on himself and feel like he’s winning at life, you gotta support him, even if it has nothing to do with you. If a guy doesn’t feel like he can meet his own needs he really can’t meet yours and that’s ok, especially if he’s honest and real with you. If a guy says please understand, then understand and support him even if it means backing off… here’s how you’ll really know if he’s into you… he’ll come back, he’ll open up to you, and feel like you were able to be there for him in the way he asked without pushing your own agenda. I prefer connection over relationship, I prefer understanding over commitment. Connection and understanding create relationship and commitment. Can you be totally open with your guy? Do you feel understood? Do you feel connected? If you have an agenda you’re pushing are you even seeing your guy? Where he’s at? What he needs to feel like he’s winning? True love means loving someone enough to support them when it doesn’t include you. He will feel you have his back, that you are standing in his corner, if you really really are. Men need connection and understanding as much as women do. Can you make it not all about you all the time? Talk about pressure! The real men, the ones worth keeping, the ones worth the investment, will be honest about thier needs and feelings. And if you really love him for him, not because he fulfills your list of things you want in a man, and give him the true support he needs to win at life, he will feel it because it’s real and he will rise to the challenge he’s facing, feel like a winner, and remember that genuine girl who was totally there for him. When you “see” him for the great man he is, he will begin to see himself that way. And then, Magic happens… and you won’t just be the girl he’s looking for, but the one he keeps, the one who had his back when he needed it most, even when his needs didn’t include you. Now that’s true love!! It starts with loving yourself first and foremost. Then you’ll never be a doormat, and you won’t be insecure, you’ll have enough love for both of you, even when he doesn’t have enough for himself. If he’s a quality dude, he might need space to figure himself out sometimes, give it to him, be in his corner, not only will he come back, but he’ll never let you go. Men will cling to thier freedom and independence, but once they get a taste of true intimacy without having to surrender thier freedom and independence… guess what… they will gladly and willingly and almost unconsciously choose true intimacy with a genuinely loving caring woman who makes him feel like the winner he was born to be, because after they experience that for real with a woman, freedom and independence become a lonely empty venture. Sure you can win, but without that special someone to share your victories with… what have you really got? If you always want what’s best for him, whether it includes you or not, he will become his best. And you’ll be the girl standing next to him in the winner’s circle, trophy held high, popping the cork on the champagne. Honestly, who wants a man who doesn’t want to be the very best man he can be. Be his cheerleader, and enjoy the spoils with the victor!!!

Reply September 13, 2014, 4:53 pm

EG

Hi Eric,
Great article. I really understand everything you wrote about. I’m dating a guy and I may have messed up the last thing you mentioned. I am on the same page as him with what he loves. We see concerts together, movies, I’ve met his friends. However, two months in I was honest and I told him I was looking for something serious. I should have continued to keep it fun and I messed up. We are still hanging out a lot, but we backed off a little. I’m not sure if I can fix this. In the mean time I’ve started to date other guys, but I really want him. All these thing we are supposed to follow are so confusing. I really wish a guy had to follow all the guidelines to keep my attention instead of the other way around!

EG

Reply September 13, 2014, 3:29 pm

Lynn

Reply to EG’s comment quote, “I really wish a guy had to follow all the guidelines to keep my attention instead of the other way around!” I say, “Yeah, especially since we are suppose to be the prize!
And this “market value” stuff…it sounds like a house for sale…I’m not a damn piece of real estate!

Reply November 23, 2014, 2:39 pm

Ankita

Hi Eric, thankyoooo so much for enlighting the topics it helped alot to understand my bf, I m in a relationship for 4 years and the only problem that is less communication, and he doesnot understand hat I want n what I am saying that I am feeling I know he loves me alot n some of his actions tells that he cares for me but there is a distant taking place between us I see him less intrested in terms of communication I see he talks to his other friends(both girls n boys) but he doesnot seem to make some time for me he is not putting any effort to call me or to even know me. I’m feeling terrible but somehow I am keeping myself busy and trying not to think about it I realised I was being needy before soo I have cut down my calling him and I kept myslf busy. But I really miss the times we used to share everything with eachothr atleast a call a day.

Reply September 13, 2014, 2:44 pm

Verlinda

Since it would mean a lot to you to get feedback, I will leave you my nugget. The best take away message I received was to be passionate about his passion. I love that! It is really applicable across all relationships. The way you presented the material was fantastic! It was real-life and easy to understand. I believe in being intentional and your spelling it for me is going to make a huge difference in my communication with everyone I come in touch with. (I just tried it with a co-worker and we had a lovely exchange about her granddaughter!)

Reply September 13, 2014, 2:38 pm

ashlee

Heeeellloooo?

I found it helpful that you have instructed me to ask my guy what he loves, why he loves it and what he wants or already wins at. I have a guy that I’m friends with. I am comfortable with our relationship for now. I have been wondering how I could show interest without being too forward and ruining what we already have. Thanks for the info. I will surely be using it.

Reply September 13, 2014, 1:46 pm

katie

Love all that I’ve read. Thanks. But I’m still a little confused about my guy. We have been together for a year. He doesn’t say i love you, but i know he does. My problem is he won’t move in with me. We could both save money if we lived together. I just don’t get it.

Reply September 12, 2014, 4:46 pm

luduin

Hi Eric, I love this article and I will like to know if it is wrong for me to admit to the guy I like that I am single (We are not in a relationship). Thanks

Reply September 8, 2014, 9:13 am

Telma

Hi Eric, thank you so much for bring clarity in such a simple way with your articles about what a man wants in a woman. I’m Brasilian , born and raised in Brasil, living in the USA for 14 years and, I got tell you: I can’t get used with American ways to date. To me, be fun, sexy and playful, make part of my personality. The guy I’m with, it’s a king, literally and, he’s a winner in having me by his side. I make sure he knows that on a daily basis. I don’t play games. It’s just natural to me. What surprises me, and please, don’t get me wrong if I go against about what you said in having a man close to is like to do, enjoy the things he likes and show it, to me have been backfire me. I’m easygoing, I love sports, outdoors , at the same time that I’m dressed up to go anywhere. You won’t see me in my pajamas pants anywhere else than in my bed, in winter season only:). Anyway, what I have to tell you is that I have been there, having fun, teasing, been sexy , not a hard thing to do for a Brasilian. And guys get scared off, running away, thinking I’m looking for commitment or a relationship right at the batch. No. I’m divorced for 5 years with a handsome 7 years old son, my career, my
house, not a lot if free time to date. Only one boyfriend after 2 years divorced, that lasted 2 years. I’m single for a year and not the kind to look for guys in bars or online:( . Not desperate yet. Then, a guy move in 2 doors down from my house. Good looking, friendly and introduced himself on the first time saw me outside. Recently separate, going through divorce, 2 kids. We hitch right away. Our kids too, having sleepovers next day. He asked my number and starting texting me, making a lot of compliments about my looks, my clothes and we starting talking about our lives, marriages and divorce:(! I noticed he was hurt and at the same time, eager to get to know me. After couple days of teasing and playing with each other, he came I’ve one night that the kids were with the other parent and, I cooked and he made margaritas. We danced in the kitchen and kissed. After a nice dinner and a lot of compliments, we cuddling in the sofa and watched tv. The next day, a thank you text for the great night. Then, in the evening, he came by to tell me he was expecting a female friend visiting his new place. I was got out of guard as I felt confused why he was having a woman in his house when he was alone. I didn’t say anything, he left and, I don’t know how long the woman stayed in his place. The next day, he called and, I expressed to him my confusion as he let things clear to me that we would take things slow and wait his divorce finalize to see what was going on with us and, then, he has another woman in his house the next day. He was surprised I confronted him about it but, I wanted he know I wasn’t going to sell myself low, even if I wasn’t date him officially. I asked him how he would feel if I had another guy coming over to house in the same circumstances and he told me he would feel weird… Next day, he called and said he just was as confused and didn’t know what to say to me other than he couldn’t pursue a relationship right now and , that he was just feeling he was forcing himself to me because he didn’t want to miss the opportunity of been with an amazing girl like me. I was shocked as I thought I didn’t show or told him this was what I was looking for. I was just be me, and treating him with care and kindness , because I felt this is what he needed in that moment. I was not thinking in date him officially before he officially be divorced. I thought I was clear on that. It looks like I was not and, I told him I was backing off because I never thought in pressure him right now, when I know how hard it’s a divorce. I apologize and he apologized too. I guess because we liked each other and he thought it was too soon to this happen with him. It’s like he wanted control his emotions and I don’t. 2 weeks have passed, he’s out of town in vacation and no phone calls or texts. Only an email invite for his son birthday this coming Saturday. I’m lost, I don’t know what to expect when I see him, I don’t know how to take this. He was so into and in one second, he withdrawn. Any hopes, suggestions , inputs? I appreciate your insight on this situation as I realty did make him feel like he was a winner. What now?
Thanks you south:)!
Xoxoxo
Telma

Reply August 21, 2014, 5:39 pm

alyssa

hi..im dating a guy from Nigeria he mention me that he have gf his back home I thought they not talking anymore but I found out they still communication.and his telling me he loves me now im thinking his leing telling me he loves me and he have gf back home..i don’t know what to do I fall in love with him already pls.help me..

Reply August 19, 2014, 5:54 pm

Tawana

Hi Eric,

This is some great insight on what men want, and it did seem to draw him in a little, but he still gave me the he doesn’t want a commitment line and like you said it doesn’t matter the reason. So I’m still not sure.

Reply August 17, 2014, 9:20 am

latifah

Hi Eric,
Wow this is awesome. Thank you so muc for this….

Reply August 8, 2014, 2:12 pm

Bri

I signed up for the newsletter last night and was expecting to unsubscribe today because I’ve read a lot of bogus articles in the past from other websites-wow was I wrong. This was a very thought-provoking, inspiring article and I have greatly enjoyed reading through your advice columns.
You seem like a genuine soul who is trying to inspire women to embrace and love themselves-hats off to you. I’m surprised by the amount of women wanting to argue with your advice “from a man’s prospective”. Don’t let them discourage you.

Just a note to say thanks and best of luck!

Reply August 5, 2014, 10:03 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Bri, I really appreciate that. 🙂

Reply August 5, 2014, 10:17 pm

Lisa

This article was great Eric! All these articles are great!

I knew I have market value, Now I know I have a lot more! All of this makes so much sense!
I appreciate all these articles, and all you and Sabrina’s hard work on these!

Thank you again,

Lisa.

Reply July 26, 2014, 2:32 am

Debbie

Great advise…between u and sabrina ive learned so much…I love reading all your stuff and it helps me to stay focused on the important things…something thats helped me the most is to not over think or read more into things “the relationship is what it is at that moment” to b the prize and not to b needy! These things r working for me! Thank u so much…cant wait for more great advise!

Reply July 25, 2014, 5:24 pm

krustle

Tleive been with my boyfriend for allmost 5 years.he started emotionally cheating just a few momths into the relationship at forst he would denie it but now he just says yeah so. I allready kmow what tdo. I just wanted to lnow what your intake on it is

Reply July 25, 2014, 4:16 pm

nickj

Hi, nice article, helpful tips and ideas. But one thing I want to ask or add that if a woman is of high market value herself, a man interested also want to take his mask off or that smart woman can detect his motives. Men now demand too much in a woman they look for to be a winner but not showing any efforts at all, you think its fair?

Reply July 25, 2014, 11:17 am

RL

Loved the article and I will read it again. I had one question. When you are in a relationship and you know he feels you are a woman he sees as “prize” that he earned, how does a woman maintain that in their man?

Reply July 24, 2014, 7:01 am

Wendy

“LM” – GTF-Over it. Wow. You need help more than anyone else on here.
Eric – you are awesome. I have read alot of books and articles over the years. I truly feel you know what you are talking about and am going to continue to read and implement what you suggest. As a female in a new relationship who didn’t want to EVER be in one again after the last, I can say that what you have said so far, is straight up true. The guy I am with now, I am ONLY with because of how he is. He won, and keeps winning and I am going to keep learning more.
🙂

Reply July 19, 2014, 12:59 pm

LM

Wendy this is “LM” clearly you have had to read many books & articles on how to keep a man. It’s obvious you are a follower & not a leader. Whatever comes from you is not from YOU. It came from what another person told you; books and articles. Find your real voice.

Reply July 19, 2014, 1:31 pm

Judy Ferris

Ive really enjoyed reading your articles wanted to say thank you I am kind of Taken back on a guy that I’ve been dating 4 months, he lives in Vegas I live in Colorado Springs I am ok with the long distance piece of it. we are both too busy to really engage in anything more than that but it just seems that it was all exciting in the beginning, and since him and I had disagreements.we have resolved those disagreements ….but it just seems we talk mostly about his work and I take interest in is work. but it just seems as though he’s not interested totally. I never call him first because he,always seems busy so I let him call me when he’s free .he brought up my moving to Vegas , I told him I needed a year to prepare then , he said ,he doesn’t know if he was ready to share his,space anyways and it was too soon then became a little standoffish..I have mixed feelings about how he’s acting .I’ve given him space and time .What Can I do different? I’ve been focusing on me and what I need to do …but cabt,stop thinking about it

Reply July 12, 2014, 8:17 pm

Catt

Hi Judy,

Please don’t uproot for a guy you’ve only known for 4months. After being hot and then cold asking you to move with him, he just seems to be living for the moment and not passionate about you. If he really had deep feeling for you, he would understand your request of giving it a year. Long distance relationship is tough, but if his giving you mix signals now, then chances of it “STICKING” when you move will be rare. I know it’s tough, believe me. But please don’t give up everything you know (where you are now) for someone who is not passionate about you. If things don’t work out (chances are slim) then you will have to re-start all over again. He will just continue his life as if he had visitor. You have to much to sacrifice next to him, his just making space for you. If it doesn’t work out, he will expect you to leave with the clothes on your back and possible a “good luck to you” comment.

Reply July 12, 2014, 10:15 pm

Alma

Hi Eric,

I want to first thank you for all the advice and wish I had read it before getting involved with the last guy. Really appreciate the male perspective.

I think my main question I want answered is can a man and a woman be friends after they breakup. A little background: I met this man online. Things were great in the beginning. First date, was great fun and the chemistry on fire. He even said it was the best first date he had ever had. 2nd date which fell on Vday was even better. But funny thing is the 2nd date almost didn’t happen. We were talking on the phone after our 1st date and he had asked me about my divorce and why it didn’t work out. I told him of my ex’s infidelities but that wasn’t why I decided to end it, the reason I ended it was because my ex would never admit he cheated. So I felt there was nowhere to go if he could not be honest with me so we could take steps to fix our marriage. To this he asked how did I know he was cheating? Well being the honest and forthcoming person that I am I told him of course a woman always knows, but that I confirmed it by reading texts on his cell. Well this was a HUGE RED flag for him! He continued to preach that that was a huge invasion of one’s privacy and there’s absolutely no reason ever one should invade someone’s privacy. Well I stood my ground and proceeded to say that in marriage there is no privacy no secrets. I should be able to see what’s on my husband’s phone and him mine. He ranted on and on about how that was wrong and how he had huge issues with his mom and his privacy growing up and so forth. Very adamant on the subject. Well I stated while I don’t make it a habit of checking my significant others phone I couldn’t say I would ever do it again. (yes I’m honest to a fault) Honesty is probably the most important thing to me in all my relationships not just romantic. Anywho, seeing that we were never going to agree on this topic, I said let’s just agree to disagree. The next morning he calls me while on my way to work and says he doesn’t think he should go to the concert on Vday and just to give his ticket to a friend. And went on to say that he didn’t think “this” would work and that we probably shouldn’t see each other again. I just laughed surprised at his reaction to our disagreement. I told him, look you already bought the ticket let’s just go and have fun and then we can go our separate ways. I convinced him. In the coming months, he would always say how convincing and pushy I was. Vday date was amazing, he pulled out all the stops, he dressed up, of course I was looking fine, he really enjoyed the concert (was even emotional at one point with tears in his eyes) then he surprises me with flowers and takes me to a really good expensive restaurant. Needless to say, I gave him the “good stuff” that night. Which I never do btw, I always make them earn the good stuff. Took my ex 3 months til he got it. I digress, the relationship, and I use this term loosely, was tumultuous. After Vday we spoke everyday, he texted me often but he would always have these reservations, doubts concerns about me. But the sex was off the charts! He would state how he hated how I had this sexual power over him. That he couldn’t remember the last time he enjoyed sex so much. He would text saying “I’m so lucky to have met me you, Sorry I fought it in the beginning, I don’t want to fight it anymore. You are an amazing woman. I like you, alot. I’m waiting for something crazy to happen. Why are you single?” But all the while he would have concerns about me and that he’s not good in a relationship. He would confide very personal things to me and tell me how devastatingly crushing his last relationship was. I in the meantime am falling for him giving him all my time and energies. Excusing his behavior for his past bad breakup. That if I could just be loving, accepting and understanding he would open up his heart to me. At one point he takes me to meet his family stating he had wanted me to meet them for awhile. Then later saying that that was no big deal that he frequently brings the girls he’s dating to meet his family. So many mixed signals that would leave me frustrated and hopeful at the same time. Now 6 months later, he has decided to end it coldly not giving me an explanation only saying that I always to have to have it “my way”. This is probably the 5th time he has “broken up” with me. In the past we would end it amicably saying lets be friends but then we would see each other and end up in bed starting the whole crazy cycle again. But this time I fear it’s it finally over. I still have feelings for him, can’t just shut those off, but I have accepted that romantically it’s over. But this time I really want to try just being his friend, no sex, no strings. Just spend time with him every so often and go for a hike together. Is that possible?

Reply July 12, 2014, 3:12 pm

PricklySweet

This is so spot on…I’ve just entered a new relationship with a fantastic guy that is going great–a complete 180 from my last one, for sure! This article has helped me pinpoint what was different about ME, and why I’m getting better results from this guy– so I know what to keep doing. Keep it coming!

Reply July 11, 2014, 11:19 am

kirsten

Awesome Article..
I am a new widow..back out there again.. And your articles are always great.. I love this one especially about finding where a mans interest lie and where his dreams in life truly exist. When you find them..his whole heart follows..soooo true.
Thanks Eric!!

Reply July 7, 2014, 4:32 am

Mia

Well done job, I think I do understand man better now. I think that my man is not that complicated. But our situation is a little complicated, we are apart we dont get chance to spend time together that often and its all because of our job. And we just started something, I am not going to say it’s relation ship but it is something, I feel frozen next to him since I first saw him. And the time we started something happen over internet and he were so nice and sweet so I think I disappoint him at one moment because he was about to help me out with something trying to “win” me and I didnt let him do that, and from there he changed. He still sweet and all that but we dont talk that much, he came to visit me and it was very nice, and he is going through difficult time with his family at the moment. And I really like him, and I would like him next to me, he told me a lot of times that I am always smiling and I am different and that I am full of good vibes and energy, that I am strong women. But kind of I have the feeling that he is not the same anymore. And I am not being needy, I let him to have his space I think that he needs that. Anyway I would like to say thank you for your articles they really helped me understand the questions that I had about my boyfriend and the reason behind his behavior.

Reply July 4, 2014, 10:21 am

Makayla

Eric,
This article was so helpful. Thank you so much for your insight of this topic.

Reply July 3, 2014, 7:08 pm

catt

Eric,
I don’t know if widower/widowers would be an expertise of yours. If so, would you please give some advise. There are so many people like myself who has dated a widower. I Had no idea how different it is to date one and date a divorce or someone who’s never been married.

Thanks,

Reply July 2, 2014, 2:57 pm

CATT

Hi Eric and Subrina,

I just want to thank you both. I want to share with my experience and how ANM gave me the courage to make a tough but a positive decision in my life.

I (37) met a widower (46) in March 2014. His wife of 13yrs. July 2013 passed from a long battle of breast cancer (age 44). We met on line and what made me reach out to him was his profile. He describes himself as a marathoner. I too love to workout. He reached out and we realize we had plenty in common. So he ask me out on a first date. When we met at the restaurant, I notice a red flag wright away. He was still wearing his wedding ring. My gut instinct, I wanted to run. Although I was disappointed, I sucked it up and decided to make the most of the night. At the time he seemed very uncomfortable. His a tall guy but kept slouching and hiding his hands under the table. Needless to say our conversation was awkward. He complemented my looks and for the most part our conversation felt forced. Further more, he confirmed my thoughts, I was the first girl he has dated (another red flag/rebound) since his wife passed. Then he asked me what I thought of our date, I was honest and told him he was not ready and I pointed at his ring. The dinner didn’t take long, but during the night I notice he removed his ring. This made me feel guilty. He continued by telling me he was ready to move forward and although he admitted he was still in morning, he has excepted his life as it is.

On the way home he text me asking for another date. I had no interest and fell asleep. The next morning he called me and asked me again. I declined. Somehow that night we talked on the phone for 4hrs. He admitted our first date was a disaster and apologize. He persuaded me to give him another chance. Since we had good chemistry on the phone, i gave in thinking it wouldn’t hurt. Fast forward, we were intimate. Again chemistry was awesome. But I couldn’t believe I slept with someone before we could even get to know each other better and be in a relationship.

During the months we dated he made plans to see me three times a week. For the most part, we never went anywhere except twice to dinner and twice to the movies. He said he didn’t like crowds. So I excepted his excuse with my sacrifice by thinking his showing his gratitude by cooking me dinner and making my lunch for work the next day. Yes, I gave my time, my body, and regardless how tired and how late it was, I would drive to his house at any cost. At times I would ask him how he felt about us. He always had the same answer. He would remind me he does not want to commit because he is still excepting his wife is gone and told me to keep my options open. Therefore, he never introduce me to anyone in his life, not even his friends, and his family didn’t even know he was dating. But I was determined that if I was patient enough he will see I’m a prize and he will commit. I was also miserable. I cried a lot, I was always anxious, I became needy, insecure, and worst, I didn’t even recognize myself.

Finally I discovered ANM. There were plenty of advise I couldn’t ignore and I related to many life stories Subrina experienced. Your website opened my eyes. After 4months of dating I came to realize “his not that into me”. I decided to end it. Surprisingly, I’m doing better then I thought. It’s only been two days, but I continue to read ANM and it helps me to recognize my self worth. And at the end of the day, “his just another guy”. Wish me strength and luck:-)

Thank you Subrina and Eric.

Catt

Reply July 2, 2014, 1:59 am

Mela

Where does sex tie into all this? I feel like he stops putting in effort after this….

Reply June 30, 2014, 1:02 pm

Eric Charles

I mean essentially, when it comes to sex, guys want a woman who is genuinely in the moment with them and thoroughly enjoying herself.

Thing is, most guys are terrible in bed and therefore some more intervention might be needed to improve the situation from his side… but that’s a totally different topic beyond the scope of this article. Good question though…

Reply June 30, 2014, 2:54 pm

Mela

What I take away from this is, it doesn’t matter when you become sexually involved. All that matters is if there is an unforced connection on both sides. Making him wait or work for it doesn’t make the least bit of difference?

Reply June 30, 2014, 3:21 pm

Eric Charles

Yup – you nailed it. It’s all about compatibility and quality of connection.

Some of the happiest couples I know (I’m talking *profoundly* happy) slept together on the first date. The whole idea of “holding out” is fundamentally flawed, inaccurate and destructive… fortunately, you get what I was doing my best to get across…

Reply June 30, 2014, 4:15 pm

Mela

Light bulb* Oh geez I been going about things the completely wrong way….Thank You Eric you are great!

June 30, 2014, 5:20 pm

Eric Charles

Haha yeah, you’re welcome — sometimes I feel like I am one big mop for the messes all the other so-called “experts” make for people. It really is amazing what some people put out there and claim is “good advice” for relationships…

June 30, 2014, 5:24 pm

Al

Oh my Lord, is it okay for you to say this stuff publicly without being considered a man traitor? LOL. Thank you SO SO much! I will use these 3 principles you’ve laid out responsibly. This really explains so much, and I am very humbled by what I’ve learned.

Reply June 29, 2014, 11:41 pm

Eric Charles

Honestly, guys want women to know this stuff. Guys just want to feel good in their relationship and the more you understand about men, the more easily that happens (and the more easily they can make sure they’re keeping you happy too). It’s a win-win.

Reply June 30, 2014, 2:52 pm

Annie

Hey Eric,

I have a question, so I have a boyfriend and he is very open with his feelings. He has been through a lot through out his life that has caused him to be very distant and emotionless. The problem is I am the complete opposite. How do I handle this type of difference?

Reply June 25, 2014, 4:24 pm

Jacy

Hi Eric..
I want to thank you so much for all your articles and advises…Infact I’m happily in a relationship with the Love of my life… I will continue to hid and apply all d relationship steps u have mapped out…. much love!!

Reply June 23, 2014, 6:47 pm

Sexy lady

i have been married for a year. All my husband wants to do is play online games. He doesnt show interest in sex, he rather masturbate. We recently had a baby but i havent gotten a mark or have i gained weight. what could be the issue why he is not interested in sex?

Reply June 18, 2014, 5:55 pm

Christina

Your article was very informative I will try your advice wish me well I like this guy.

Reply June 14, 2014, 9:22 pm

penny

Nice article! I ‘ve been learning a lot from your articles on understanding guys m0re especially in love thing!! i ‘ ll be keeping all of this tips in mind for my future sweetheart!????

Reply June 13, 2014, 9:17 pm

penny

Nice article! I ‘ve been learning a lot from your articles on understanding guys m0re especially in love thing!! i ‘ ll be keeping all of this tips in mind for my future sweetheart!????

Reply June 13, 2014, 9:14 pm

doretha

From my score it said he’s very interested in me but in a conversation I had with him long story short, he said he was going to the market to buy somethings what do I want, I said grits, bacon, pork chops, ect.lol, he said a man has to take care of his house that he’s not going to spoil me, I sad what does that mean you ask me what I want from the store I said do you still want to date or do you want a casual thing or is this going anywhere i said if its casual i cant continual this he said he want a lot of things I sad that’s not telling what I ask you so I hung up and text him i said we’er cool good by , he text back what that suppose to mean, he called back i did not answer. but yet he said in my ear one night that he wanted me to move in with him. I can’t move in it’ s only been 3 months, anyways this happened yesterday around 3:00 in the even,I haven’t called him and he haven’t called me, I care about him a lot but don’t know if he want what I want ,to move things forward, should I just move on or just wait to hear from him. PS. Give me a reply. Thanks.

Reply June 12, 2014, 12:43 am

juri

hi eric how could you let the guy know hes winning? ive been seeing a guy for about 3 months. i really like him but since he we are not serious im seeing other guys too, but if i knew he wanted me for sure id drop the other guys. im obviously not telling him about the other guys im dating. when i make plans with the other guys he always asks who am i hanging out with. im very vague and say a friend. hes told me his friends said i was hot (the two i met anyway only because they dropped by his house unexpectedly) his friends had no idea who i was before that, so they both asked him to “hook them up” with me. this guy is really sweet but i dont think any of his friends (besides those two) or family know i exist. i dont need to meet them its still kinda soon but it would be nice to know he talks about me. the second and last time i saw his friends one of them told my guy is really into me. I met this guy at his job (i asked him out b/c he made it pretty obvious he liked me) and his male co workers were practically droooling over me. so he “won” me but maybe hes not that interested in winning. im getting ready to walk because i feel like hes not that into me for many reasons i havnt listed but he is always so sweet and loving when we are together and compliments me non stop in person or on the phone and we get along really well. i make him laugh a lot. before i decide to let him go for good should i tell him about the other guys im dating so maybe he will see hes losing me to one of them? two of these guys cannot do enough to show me they want me. i just feel if this other guy isnt stepping up to the plate its time for me give these other guys a fair shot. because up until now even though im dating others ive focused on my 3 month crush.but is that what i should do to make him realize he is “winning” and hope he fears losing me enough to straighten up his act?

Reply June 11, 2014, 6:40 pm

juri

well how could you let the guy know hes winning? ive been seeing a guy for about 3 months. i really like him but since he we are not serious im seeing other guys too, but if i knew he wanted me for sure id drop the other guys. im obviously not telling him about the other guys im dating. when i make plans with the other guys he always asks who am i hanging out with. im very vague and say a friend. hes told me his friends said i was hot (the two i met anyway only because they dropped by his house unexpectedly) his friends had no idea who i was before that, so they both asked him to “hook them up” with me. this guy is really sweet but i dont think any of his friends (besides those two) or family know i exist. i dont need to meet them its still kinda soon but it would be nice to know he talks about me. the second and last time i saw his friends one of them told my guy is really into me. I met this guy at his job (i asked him out b/c he made it pretty obvious he liked me) and his male co workers were practically droooling over me. so he “won” me but maybe hes not that interested in winning. im getting ready to walk because i feel like hes not that into me for many reasons i havnt listed but he is always so sweet and loving when we are together and compliments me non stop in person or on the phone and we get along really well. i make him laugh a lot. before i decide to let him go for good should i tell him about the other guys im dating so maybe he will see hes losing me to one of them? two of these guys cannot do enough to show me they want me. i just feel if this other guy isnt stepping up to the plate its time for me give these other guys a fair shot. because up until now even though im dating others ive focused on my 3 month crush.but is that what i should do to make him realize he is “winning” and hope he fears losing me enough to straighten up his act?

Reply June 11, 2014, 6:38 pm

Mania Roumelioti

It was really helpful all this…..
I’m in a new relationship with someone and when we met for the first time, everything that I’ve read about was completely right….
Men surely want to consider their woman as a prize and always be proud they’ve conquered her…..and many more……
Thanks for the help, it was really helpful!!
Mania

Reply June 8, 2014, 12:20 pm

LM

A man does not deserve love or putting any sort of effort towards him. Ladies use all of your engery into pampering yourselves and let men beg like a dog. Give a smile here and there but live your life letting them BEG..A man is worth nothing

Reply June 5, 2014, 10:16 pm

Eric Charles

Why did you even bother writing this? It doesn’t help anyone, it’s just you making a bitter remark.

Reply June 6, 2014, 8:07 am

LM

It’s the Truth..If it was so bitter then you wouldn’t have responded. You know it’s the truth and therefore it hurts. So many women pour themselves into a man and it’s a waste of time. Always seeking to make things better, meanwhile the man is on the block or at the job chatting up/flirting with other women..So why seek to make things good with a man? Women need to seek treating themselves better, because men don’t give a flying crap.

Reply June 6, 2014, 11:21 am

Eric Charles

It’s true *some* guys (not the majority) can be extremely crappy in a relationship. It’s also true *some* women (not the majority) can be extremely crappy in a relationship.

You know that it’s not all men or all relationships. And where is your sense of personal responsibility? If you’re choosing to be in a bad relationship, there’s usually tons of red flags letting you know that it’s a bad match and a bad relationship. If you think you can force that to work, that’s as much your fault for trying to force it with a bad match as it is his “fault” for being crappy in the relationship with you.

There’s no reason someone else should have to pay or “beg” just because you got hurt in the past or made decisions you regret. Everyone has been hurt. Everyone has regrets. I’m including myself in that.

I don’t punish other people for my mistakes… or blame them… or place fault on them. You don’t *have* to be in a relationship. Nobody is forcing you to be.

If you choose to be in one, though, doesn’t it makes sense that you approach it in a way that’s effective and will lead to both you and the guy you’re with being incredibly happy together? Doesn’t it just make sense to approach things like that… versus having an adversarial mind set before even starting with a guy?

The majority of men are good. The majority of women are good too.

However, in the same way the news only fixates on the very worst of the worst in the world, you can’t expect to be happy or successful if you take on a negative, combative attitude towards men and simultaneously want relationship success.

Yup, there are some guys that are complete a-holes. And there are some women like that too. They’re not the majority and if you ignore those people, you’ll be much happier and more successful. That’s all.

Reply June 6, 2014, 4:28 pm

LM

Your story is too long. I didn’t even bother to start reading it, except for the part which says ‘That’s all.’

June 6, 2014, 10:52 pm

June

Hello Eric. I’m from Singapore and I chanced upon this website a month ago. I read your daily email articles on my phone every morning in bed just after waking up. Anewmode’s articles never fail to start my day on a positive note with your valuable insight. I can’t describe how much my attitude towards relationships have changed. I don’t care what people think. I thank you and Sabrina from the bottom of my heart.

July 7, 2014, 11:07 am

Mariska

I’m feel so ashamed of the comment made by LM on behalf of woman. I have so many close male friends and have seen so many of them hurt. I agree fully with every statement in the article. Also, why would anybody read these articles if not to obtain advice but only to criticize?

Thank you very much for all your (both your and Sebrina’s) good advice. It more appreciated and valuable than you would ever realize.

it is clear that every article and comment was well though trough.

September 18, 2014, 3:52 am

Eric Charles

Thanks Mariska – my feeling is that some people (men, women… heck, even me sometimes) can be in so much pain that we lash out against people who really are genuinely trying to help them. I always try to remember that when I get negative comments and turn it into something positive and helpful (if not to the original poster, then to everyone else)…

September 18, 2014, 3:55 pm

Danylla

And this is why feminism is a universally hated subject. Thank you my dear for putting a bad taste in the mouths of all empowered women, who not only know how to love themselfs, but also know what it means to care for and love a significant other. Eric, Sabrina, thank you truly for not spewing whatever crap LM thinks is advice.

Reply May 12, 2015, 1:10 pm

rhey

thanks charles u gave mi a whole new way of seeing things..kinda feels like i have matured a bit mo..
oh there is this guy we’v been friends with benefits i recently told him i want out n her told me that he was actually planning on courting me what should i do

Reply June 3, 2014, 3:12 pm

himshweta

it was good 🙂 thankyou : )

Reply June 1, 2014, 11:17 am

joey

Hi eric,
Was just wondering if an agemate relationship lead to something fruitful and longterm or if they ever really work?

Reply May 31, 2014, 5:19 am

Virginia

Hi Eric, first off, this article is one of the most profound and informative I have read in a long time about the topic of relationships and what man want. I started reading skeptical thinking it was just going to end without really saying anything and trying to sell me some ebook.

Now, I really can get the part that says if you know why a man likes whay he likes you will know more about him. It’s like, if a man tries to find out why I like fashion and pretty makeup, he would understand that I am a creative original person that likes to impress and feel appreciated by other people. So, right there this article is golden.

Now, to answer to lady IM here, I read in Man are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by John Gray, he says in one of the chapters that women do tend to make the mistake of ask a lot of questions to the guy they are on a date with waiting for him to ask her back about her in return. But that it actually does not work like that with men. They will most likely not ask you back, but instead they will just keep talking about themselves.

Here’s why: in the world of women, when we talk we say something, wait for a response and then let the other woman take her turn and start talking. It’s a give and take kind of thing. We as women know that the way of showing interest in what the other person is saying is by asking questions and encourage the other person to talk.

Now, with men, says Mr. Gray, the story is different. They think that if you keep asking them questions about them, that you are actually very satiesfied with the way things are going and they don’t bother asking about you. So, what he recommends is that women have to be a little selfish in this respect. I explain.

Instead of hearing talk the whole night about himself, asking him questions and waiting for him to show any interest in you, YOU have to take the lead and start talking about yourself without waiting for him to ask you first. I mean, let him know that you have something to say and that you actually believe that you are an interesting person with something to say. And that way he will show far more interest and pay more attention than if you were just asking about him and his life.

Reply May 28, 2014, 12:19 am

Virginia

Sorry for my lousy use of the comma!

Reply May 28, 2014, 12:22 am

Katie

I think everything you said is spot on! I also think men and women have more in common than people think. Made me feel better reading your article an comments x

Reply May 26, 2014, 12:14 pm

Buttercup

Does the concept of “having market value” still apply to someone whom you already had a brief relationship with and he wanted out? Do guys actually bother with their ex’s perceived market value? Does it affect in any way of him initiating contact?

Reply May 21, 2014, 8:35 pm

Eric Charles

Market value is a guy’s perceived demand for you from other men.

So sure, it applies, but like… if you had a brief something with a guy and it ended, I have to wonder if you’re still fixated on him at some level… that fixation is going to shoot you in the foot if you want to move anything in a positive direction, so I would dump that fixation. Give up on it. Erase it. Drop it.

Read my comment to Julia a few comments down — I think that will help you a ton. Hope it does. 🙂

Reply May 22, 2014, 9:17 am

Ellie

Thank you!
Everything you said clenches my thoughts, etc.
the very best advise I know and foremost is this – Love yourself – be positive – Give – Put your mate FIRST – Be tender and loving —ALWAYS
I recently met someone and we’ve seen each other practically every day since 4-9-14.
We’ve planned a trip to Florida (meeting parents in Tampa and Miami)
Very happy…thank you for the advise and the tips

Reply May 21, 2014, 4:53 pm

Julia

Just curious as to how do I increase my market value. Maybe I am not completely understanding the concept. Thanks,

Reply May 21, 2014, 2:32 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Julia,

The easiest way to think about it is that your market value is how much other men would want to snap you up as their girlfriend is you suddenly became available on the dating market.

Obviously surface level stuff like taking care of yourself, hair, makeup, etc. will only help get attention from guys and make an impression that heightens your presence and impact. You’ve only heard 1,269,471 times that men are visual creatures, I don’t have to repeat that…

I will add to the whole “men are visual creatures” thing though… men like all different types of looks, sizes, shapes… so when I mention it, all I’m saying is be your best version physically by taking care of yourself and know that your best self is also the idea of perfections for some guys.

No woman, no matter how fit or beautiful is EVERY man’s cup of tea. It’s about only focusing on the men that respond to you and not caring at all about the ones that don’t.

Beyond surface stuff, here is the most important factor in attracting men (and this is the powerful kind of attraction that makes a man want to be around you, stay interested in you and want to lock you down as his girlfriend/wife/partner…):

It’s your mood.

Make your mood your #1 priority at all times (not just when you’re around others but even in the privacy of your own mind when you’re by yourself).

Being HAPPY and COMFORTABLE is an irresistible energy to everyone, especially men. Only you can decide to choose to make being happy and comfortable your top priority. Only you can choose to make your mood the most important aspect of your life (and put everything else *after* your mood)…

When you are happy and comfortable, you’ll attract everyone. Everyone will want to be around you and they’ll want more and more of you. They won’t know exactly why, but they’ll know they feel better when they’re around you.

In terms of market value, this will mean that men will constantly want to be around you… therefore, much higher market value.

Best part is that you don’t have to do anything… you’re not playing games, you’re not delivering threats/ultimatums and you’re choosing a path that feels good for everyone involved. It’s an all around win.

Reply May 22, 2014, 9:13 am

ceryl

eric this has really opened me…buh i hav this question….i’ve had this guy…he just neva committd himself to treating me lyk a lady…when i suggestd of outings he always found an excuse….n whenever i tried to walk away he always did his best to have me bak….can u really tell me what was really happening

Reply May 21, 2014, 10:50 am

Clair

Hey Eric, you talk about the ‘the woman who he feels is a prize that he won’. I’ve been seeing a guy and at first this was certainly the case, I was the prize and he would do anything to win me but something changed. It now feels as though he is the prize and I don’t quite know how to change that.

He texts me when I text him and when I suggest hanging out he wants to but it feels as though we’re slipping in to a friendship. There were grand promises of dates and taking me away but instead we sit and watch movies together…

I just want to know how I become the prize again?? Is it possible or have I missed that boat…

Reply May 16, 2014, 5:11 pm

Eric Charles

If I were to boil it down to one sentence:

Stop settling for what you don’t want.

And just to clarify, so that’s not interpreted in a negative way:

Inspire what you want by making doing what you want feel really, really good…

When you’re in a great mood, right in the moment, that automatically feels great to a guy and is incredibly attractive.

Seduce him into stepping up by making what you want feel amazing to him too — everyone wins.

Read and re-read this comment, like, 50 times. Contemplate it. And then you’ll have your answer — not an answer on the page, but the kind of answer that you know on the inside… (and that’s the most important kind of answer)

Hope that helps.

Reply May 16, 2014, 5:34 pm

Clair

So, I read and re-read this and came up with a conclusion relivant to my situation. Unfortunately I saw the guy in question with someone else last night. In a city as big as this and the distance we live away from each other, it’s crazy that we would be in the same place at the same time. This is the last time I will cry about this.

I’m already trying to make up excuses, ‘Oh she’s probably just a friend’ and ‘I didn’t properly see him, maybe it wasn’t him’ It was him, I haven’t spoken to him since he stood me up, it was another girl. While I struggle with my self to stop asking what I did wrong I just wanted to thank you for your time and advice. Your articles are helping me realise my self worth.

Reply June 7, 2014, 6:42 pm

M

“he needs to feel like you’re a woman who’s choosing to be with him every day because he’s the best and that he’s winning you” – can you give more detail on this, what are some specific ways to do that?

Reply May 14, 2014, 11:50 pm

Maddie

I have studied psychology and human behavior for years, and most of your conclusions are in line with my findings. However, I have one bone to pick. While you are accurate in suggesting that men love it when we ask them questions about their passions and interests, as a woman, I find it highly annoying when I spend time delving into every topic he finds remotely interesting, but he does not reciprocate. Everyone likes to have someone take an interest in them; that is not reserved specifically for males. So I would suggest that if men want women to take an interest in them (because it will ultimately result in the men being happier with their ladies), that perhaps they try being interested back! It’s beyond offensive when I take the time to learn everything there is to know about airsoft tournaments (for his sake), and in turn, he can’t remember my sister’s name, or if I actually even have a sister. Come on! You get what you give. I try very hard not to be jaded and snarky, but if the guy can’t muster up some interest in my passions (which are NOT girly douchebaggish passions, for the record) then I can’t find it in me to give a rat’s ass about his. What say you, Eric? Any advice on what it takes to get a man to give any shits about a woman’s interests?? lol

Reply May 8, 2014, 3:15 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Maddie,

I get where you’re coming from, but my question to you would be: Why are you choosing him then?

Why are you choosing that guy if he’s not genuinely interested in you and what you’re about?

What you’ve illustrated is that you want him to act a certain way towards you and you resent it.

If this is a guy you’re with and you love him, then… love him. Focus on what you love about it…

Don’t get mad at your dog for being the way that your dog is… don’t get mad at your guy for being the way your guy is.

That is IF he’s the man you love and you’ve committed to long term.

If you haven’t committed long term to him… why are you trying to force the situation with someone who doesn’t fit with you in a way that naturally and effortlessly feels happy?

This is not quid pro quo… this is “give what you would give freely because you feel good giving it… not to get something in return.”

So if you’re thinking in terms of quid pro quo, you’re on the wrong page… things can be a lot easier when you start thinking in terms of choosing a man who you just genuinely enjoy simply because he’s exactly how he is and he fits you so well. That’s compatibility.

In terms of when I talk about a man loving a woman’s interest, I’m talking about that because that’s something a woman can choose to do. She has control over it.

She can’t control another person, which is why I don’t talk about what a guy “should” be doing — what good would that do other than stir up resentment and blaming? It accomplishes nothing, since really it doesn’t matter how much someone wants something… or wishes for something… or hates something… one person’s negative emotions will not bring about the positive change they want in the relationship.

However, introducing new and varied positive energy in the relationship can work miracles…

So if you don’t like the guy you’re with… or how he acts… or what he does… you don’t have to choose him anymore. You don’t *have* to choose anyone. You don’t *have* to be in a relationship.

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone, choose the path that feels happy to you and doesn’t buy into the illusions that you need the other person to do a certain thing, act a certain way or be a certain way in order for YOU to be happy.

You need to bring happiness to your life – every thought, every action, every relationship. You bring it – you don’t extract it from situations and circumstances.

That’s why I focus on what you can bring to the table because the greatest value that anyone (man or woman) brings to a relationship is the vibe/energy they bring into it. That gives you power and people with power get to choose what they want (instead of having to put up with what they don’t want).

Make sense?

Reply May 8, 2014, 5:29 pm

lm

It makes sense IF she’s talking about a man she’s in long-term relationship with … which is an assumption I think you’ve made where that’s not necessarily a fact that exists.

I, for one, have been on countless first dates with men who do what Mattie describes. They walk away, and say to mutual friends “She’s such a great listener!” while not knowing anything more about me than before the 2-3 hours I’ve spent listening to them talk about their lives.

” You don’t *have* to be in a relationship.”

Yeah, this is … it’s a true statement in isolation.

However, I think it’s unfair to put it out there like single women aren’t beat up relentlessly and made by the entirety of society to feel like they’re worth nothing if they’re not “in relationship”.

After all, that’s why so many “dating & relationship experts” have jobs.

Reply May 8, 2014, 6:06 pm

Eric Charles

The fact still stands:

– You don’t have be in a relationship
– You don’t have to force a relationship to work – if you have to force it, you’re probably not compatible on a core level

So you’ve been on countless dates with guys where you just sat there, listening to them while silently resenting them… and that’s the guy’s fault? And somehow society is also to blame in this discussion?

I’m not saying that your points don’t have basis, but they’re also all irrelevant. It’s really simple:

– Choose someone who’s compatible.
– You are in control of who you choose.
– You are responsible for your emotions and choices.
– You do not have to be in a relationship.
– Blaming guys or society at large doesn’t help anyone.

I’m not trying to brush you off or attack you – I’m not making a statement against you personally. But you’re better than this – I’m not going to indulge a line of thought that doesn’t help you and neither should you.

That line of thought doesn’t make you happy… or feel good… or inspire you… or lead anywhere good. It doesn’t solve anything, it doesn’t help anyone and it doesn’t attract people to you.

So what good is that line of thinking. Granted, half of me thinks you’re going to just turn around and argue with what I wrote here, but if you do… what are you arguing for? What are you trying to defend?

You’re better off just dropping that line of thinking – spend time with people you feel good around. Drop those you don’t feel good around.

I’m being a bit direct and blunt here, but I am trying to be helpful.

Reply May 8, 2014, 10:20 pm

lm

“I’m not saying that your points don’t have basis
I’m not trying to brush you off or attack you
I’m not making a statement against you personally”

You are in fact doing all these things, but that doesn’t detract from the points I was making.

“ And somehow society is also to blame in this discussion?”

I’d prefer it if you didn’t try to conflate two separate concepts. It’s sloppy rhetoric, and its use doesn’t make you look smart.

Society is to blame for making pariahs out of women if they are single. Women do desperate things to get and stay in relationships in order to escape the pain of that kind of treatment.

If society did less treating of women like they were pariahs because they are single, women would in all likelihood not do as many desperate things to get and stay in relationship — which is, in fact, one of the things dating & relationship “coaches” & “experts” chide women about (not doing “desperate things” to get & stay in relationship).

You’re doing it here yourself – you’re chiding both Mattie & myself saying “Don’t behave like a desperate person!” – which is all well and good, until one takes a look at the fact that you’re trying to do it in a vacuum, by doing it but refusing to address the societal treatment of women that *causes* them – us – to behave in those ways.

“listening to them while silently resenting them… and that’s the guy’s fault?”

It is the guy’s fault if he’s rude, yes. It is the guy’s fault if he is going on and on about himself and not having the manners to not ask a woman anything about herself, yes.

(And nobody said I was silently resenting them either. You weren’t at any of those dates; you wouldn’t know. )

But let’s not dwell on your mischaracterizations of how things went on any of those dates. Let’s move on to the main point.

Let’s do a little math.

Let’s say that – as so many men are fond of complaining about – 100% of the women go after 20% of the men.

If all of the women, let’s say, on your board, are looking for the men – that vaunted 20% – who are socialized to ask questions of women, when they go on dates, and be considerate of our feelings, it follows just from the application of simple math that there will then be 80% of women left without men.

How is it at all more helpful to all those women to say “Go after that same 20%” – to, as you put it, “spend time around only those who make you feel good” , if it’s only that 20% of men who have those skills – than it would be to instead turn to that other 80% of men and say “Hey, guys – maybe you can do things differently next time” …?

(Because anybody who has been doing this dating thing knows – and anybody who is *coaching/expert-ing* about this dating thing *should* know – that men don’t listen to other women about these things; the only people they listen to concerning these topics are other men.)

“Granted, half of me thinks you’re going to just turn around and argue with what I wrote here”

Was that supposed to be some sort of a “neg”?

“I am trying to be helpful”

Other than an aside on how patronizing (and simplistic) that sounds after all your attacks – because that is in fact what they were – I have no other comment on that.

May 8, 2014, 11:04 pm

Eric Charles

Lol… I’m done with this conversation. You’re here to argue. I’m not.

You don’t like my stuff? I’m fine with that… good luck.

May 9, 2014, 12:32 am

Jess

I love this. And I love the way you think and communicate. Well done, Eric.

Reply March 21, 2015, 1:16 pm

Anais

If I may chime in, I don’t think it’s the guy’s “fault” if he never asks the woman a question. Nor is it a woman’s “fault” that she went on the date with the guy. Only person who would be at fault is a woman who likes men who also ask questions , yet chooses to continuously goes on dates with the same guy who never asks her anything about herself. I would see a man like that as a red flag– he’s either too self centered or just seeking validation from me.

I’ve encountered men like this online. I ask them connection oriented questions about themselves. They answer those but as for talking about me, all they can do is reply with how they think I’m hot and never going beyond that. So you know what I do after I see this pattern in a few exchanges? I stopped chatting with those men, since as I have experienced that men who are interested in getting to know me ask questions in addition to the flirty comments. Men show certain character traits like this really early on so to continue and expect him to suddenly change isn’t a winning battle. Makes more sense to get out of there.

You don’t go out there “giving to get” per se but reciprocity is just a basic concept. I understand you feel you’re worthy of a man also giving value back to you after a certain point. So I do think to keep on talking to a guy who never asks any questions in return is foolish and at that point, you stop giving any of your time.

Reply May 12, 2014, 4:08 pm

anxious

You are truly a God!! I love your advise and instructions! I am so much more knowledgeable! Muah! Thanks so much

Reply May 7, 2014, 8:05 pm

andrea

This is really awesome to know!!! Thank you Eric really helps a lot! Would like to ask about sex… what happends if he doesn’t want it? We live together for more than 4 months and after the 1st month he wanted sex like twice a month … What happened to him? He says he loves me extremely much, he doesn’t want other women anymore just me,cause I’m the best women he could ever met, tells me he loves me 10 times a day,he’s affectionate but no sex … 🙁 I try not to ask him anymore because when i try to talk ab it it annoys him and tells me that I only see the glass half empty , I don’t see other things he does for me …. but c’mon, for me this is important, and it was for him too at the beginning…. I really don’t understand this ‘you’re the love of my life’ but no sex theory! What could I do? I am really thinking about leaving or try to continue and make it better if it is possible ….. Thank you Eric!

Reply May 5, 2014, 6:46 am

libby

Some men have a different view on love and sex… in fact, some men consider them mutually exclusive. In extreme cases, the emotional intimacy of love makes the act of sex more difficult because they don’t equate primal, lusty passion with love. Freud called the extreme cases of this the Madonna – whore complex. Not that your guy is extreme but maybe this perspective will help you decide to appreciate his love and work on it… or leave because you want something different. I had an extreme husband and we couldn’t make it work even though we still love each other.

Reply May 14, 2014, 9:14 am

sarah

Hello Eric,
I just read a few of your articles and most of them
I understand. This one however was a bit more
Of a challenge for me.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over two months and he has just started including me
In the things he likes and introducing me to his friends and a couple of his family members. The thing that confuses me is the market value aspect. I don’t wear makeup much but he still loves the way I look without it. It is actually when I don’t get all dressed up that he calls me his “beautiful girl”. I am also a ballet dancer so the way i carry myself according to him is with great poise grace and strength. He watched me from across the dance floor for months while I was in a bad relationship with someone else. When he found out I was single he presented himself as wanting to be a friend for me because he new I was sad. We talked for a couple weeks before he kissed me for the first time but during those weeks we both realized how much we enjoyed just being with one another. cuddling on the couch together was our main priority and still remains so. He has begun to slowly bring me into his world. Within the last week he has invited me to several outings with his friends however I had prior engagements that I couldn’t back out of so I could join him. He keeps trying though we just made plans today for the weekend. So how does market value git in to his perception of me?

Reply April 30, 2014, 12:18 am

angel

Hi Eric thank you for that wonderful article..well i have being in a relationship for 3years now,my bf loves me but he does not tell me i love u after the call,is a must that he tells me always cos am feeling as if he don’t love me if he don’t tell me…hope to hear from you soon.thank you for all your emails.

Reply April 28, 2014, 7:41 am

Kelly

Hi Eric,

If I never had to read another dating/relationships article after this I’d be happy. This is the most clear cut advice i’ve ever read and i’ve been over my head obsessed with dating articles for close to 8 years now. The thing that’s funny about reading this right now is I am in a situation where we started as friends (still are I just now have developed feelings) and I was naturally curious about his life and wasn’t over thinking anything by asking him questions b/c I never figured we would date. So this article I think would have helped me ALOT even if i were already head over heels for someone. Thanks again!

Reply April 25, 2014, 4:00 pm

Eric Charles

Oh awesome – I am glad to hear it and I really appreciate it.

Are you friends with me on Facebook? I’ve been posting a bunco f stuff on this subject over the past week that I think you’d really like… it takes the ideas here much further and I think you’d find it really unique and helpful.

Reply April 25, 2014, 6:35 pm

Destiny

Thanks Eric! You gave me a lot to think about. There’s this guy I fancy but he’s nine years older than me and me being 20…it’s like the rules in a game, you just accept that those are the rules you’re playing by and don’t question them cause it just is. The appearance and market value is just another rule (for lack of a better word) that you just accept no question and you’re life will be smoother because of it. Do you have any advice for an age gap of 9 years when you’re in the young phase, I know there’s the hurdles that he’s (if he’s the older) already overcome and he’s busy creating his life. Is there anyway to bridge that gap when you’re young? Just focus on growing yourself and if you attract him in the meantime it’s a bonus?
Thanks so much!!

Reply April 17, 2014, 12:21 am

Christine

This guy I have gone out with twice so far (I really like him, have for a while). One day he tells me I had on his favorite pair of jeans (found out he’s an ass man lol). Then to tell me he has trouble concentrating when I wore yoga pants. This made me grin all day long! Then, when making plans for a 2nd date, he said he loves a woman in black yoga pants, which I wore. It was a casual date. This would be part of the “how a woman looks” side right? Not to mention, when he kisses me, I feel like I have a million butterflies loose in my chest, and this feeling is EVERY time we kiss. Then I have trouble getting to sleep because he pops into my head when I least expect it. I have NEVER felt like that ever, not even with my ex husband. We have not had sex (healing yet from surgery) but we did sleep together, and felt so at peace in his arms. Can you explain some of this? Is this normal? To help me sleep, I have found that writing what’s on my mind before bed works. I know he loves football, he’s a steelers fan, likes hanging out relaxing, fishing, he knows I like the wolverines, and camping and stuff. I also know hes more talkative in person than texting, so I keep things short when texting. Why does this man make me feel the way I do, and does he feel the same way? Advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you Eric 🙂

Reply April 16, 2014, 2:00 pm

Rusty

Hi Eric,
Great article. I agree with everything you’ve said. I’m in a long distance relationship with a guy (5 weeks now) who has children with another woman he is no longer interested in. However, because of the children he is reluctant to get closer to me emotionally, Do guys do that? Stay in relationships for the children’s sake? I thought only girls did that?

Reply April 8, 2014, 7:35 pm

Tom

You sound like you need to review some basics.

1. A man who will cheat for you will also cheat YOU.

Reply May 14, 2014, 5:59 pm

Paulette

You know you sound just like my boyfriend lol by reading your articles and listening to him I can make more sense of things thank you

Reply April 4, 2014, 2:13 am

Gem

Eric, does the guy’s opinion change if a girl continues to support him when he feels like a loser though? I have a guy friend and we have expressed mutual interest, we have talked numerous times about going out, and sometimes physical stuff happens, (but only sometimes, and we talk about that too, if it’s better to remove that from the equation and really just be friends). However, he isn’t ready to date me for a number of reasons that involve his place in life at the moment and his past relationships. Basically, he values our connection and doesn’t want to end up being an a-hole to me because he is trying to commit to something he doesn’t really want to commit to right now. I understand and agree that trying to force it will not do any potential relationship any good and we both acknowledge that if nothing more comes of it it our friendship is most important. He also knows I’m not waiting around for him, he can take the time he needs to sort himself out and I may or may not be available when and if he wants to give it a try.

We were talking one day though and he mentioned feeling like a loser, he is living at home at the moment and only recently got his license back (suspended over something dumb, not a DUI), and that he wouldn’t think very highly of someone who wanted to date him at the moment. I told him yes, that I wouldn’t normally be thrilled to be dating a guy that lives at home, but if I met someone I would look at why. Is it a temporary situation, like they are helping a sick parent, or do they just have no desire to move out, and evaluate things based on their reasons/motivations. In his case, he has credit issues stemming from his ex who he co-signed for on a loan, so he can’t get rental approval. Things have gotten worse for him since then and he recently got laid off so now he’s on the job market too. My question is this, I can understand him not feeling worthy of a new relationship but what about if a man is already involved with the person. Do they then feel differently about the person supporting them when they are a “loser” or “not a good prospect” because of the already established relationship? He is backing off a little bit from wanting to hang out right now and I know part of it is because he can’t afford to spend money taking me out (even though I tell him he doesn’t always have to pay or we can just hang out at my apartment and watch movies) and we aren’t in a relationship so it frustrates me, because I want to help him get back on track, I just went through a layoff a year ago myself, but I get him needing space. He says he wants my help but he isn’t really letting me give it to him. I’m just wondering if it would be different if we were officially together, would he let me help him more. I know you’re not him, so you can’t say for sure, but what about from your own experience?

Reply April 3, 2014, 1:02 am

Helen

I have subscribed to several dating newsletters and purchased several systems. But they have all been frustrating until I found yours. You give the details without asking for us to purchase another program.

Thank you so much. Please include things that those of us over 50 can use. There are lots of us out there and over 50 dating has many challenges.

Reply April 2, 2014, 10:23 am

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot for the comment and compliment. That means a lot to me.

I will keep your request in mind and see what I can bring to the website on dating over 50… I know you’re not the only one looking for that kind of material.

Reply April 2, 2014, 10:59 am

Kathy

I second that, Eric! I, too, am over 50… in fact, am just over 60, and I’d appreciate some more info specifically for the older crowd. I, too, have found a lot of good and helpful information in your program, but some of it is just not a good fit for my age bracket. ( Btw, I look pretty good for my age; I’m fit and trim and dress nicely. Most people think I look younger than my actual age, but I’m not a kid anymore!)

Reply May 12, 2014, 4:51 pm

Amy

I have a question, I dated this guy once and he said he really enjoyed it and would like to do it again. And he texted me straight after we met and said thanks for the night and hopefully can do it again. but when i texted him a day after, he just didn’t seem that interested in meeting up as he usually reply straight away but now it takes him a lot longer to reply, but he still said sounds good and what i would like to do.. what have I done wrong? Is he really attracted to me?

Reply March 25, 2014, 4:43 pm

Amy

I agree with you, men want women to understand them and ask questions about things they are interested in.

I have a question, I dated this guy once and he said he really enjoyed it and would like to do it again. And he texted me straight after we met and said thanks for the night and hopefully can do it again. but when i texted him a day after, he just didn’t seem that interested in meeting up as he usually reply straight away but now it takes him a lot longer to reply, but he still said sounds good and what i would like to do.. what have I done wrong? Is he really attracted to me?

Reply March 25, 2014, 4:41 pm

Myckie McCauley

You did an excellent job with clarifying and writing this in a way so people can understand. It was so helpful. I don’t have too many questions but I do have a boyfriend who I know in my heart that he’s the best guy for me. The things that you focused on in the article really directed me to what i should do & say next when I’m with my man. Because you answered all my questions it encouraged me that my relationship will only get better. And guys are more simple than I thought, no matter what I know Im the girl that is meant to be with him forever- Thanks to what you accurately confirmed about men in these articles. Thank you for tht.

Reply March 22, 2014, 9:32 pm

miss N.P

Well done! It s refreshing to see someone be honestly open and sharing? A lot of courage you have. What are the reasons ? Just wondering?

Reply March 19, 2014, 3:10 am

Luna

I went to Sydney in January for one month . I met him there. After know each other for about 10-15days. He said he want me to be his gf. And that time I’m leaving soon. I’m Chinese and live in Korea now. When I was in Sydney he treated me very nice . And when I came back here. We keep in touch everyday . Text each other. One thing I can’t understand why he barely call me. He text me but barely call me. Just talk about his work or something with text.Before I leave he said he will come to see me. But nowadays he’s busy at work a lot. Even go for work in weekend. So I said I could go to see him in June . But in July the tickets is too expensive. Yesterday we had a little fight. I misunderstand him and he said something hurt me a lot. So we apologize to eachother and we’re fine now. After that he said maybe it’s better for him to come to Korea better for me to save my money. He said we will make new plans. I send postcard for him each month. Now is third one. Before he said don’t send me anymore. Because it’s makes him feel bad. Because he do nothing for me. Yesterday he just changed . He said if you like you can send:). I don’t know if he said these just because he feel bad and feel guilty for me or he really likes me a lot or love me. We cam sometime. Maybe once a week. I try to ask him to call me sometime but he didn’t . Jus text every day. Now we have been together for 49days. And I said I love you first.
Could you give me some advices ? What should I do?should I step back and just wait him come to see me??
Can’t wait for you answers . Thank you!!

Reply March 16, 2014, 10:45 pm

Luke

Lots of great advice, but the last bit about always needing to “win” the woman kind of goes a bit off track for me, in a sense I agree, I want the lady who’s high value, but there’s a risk of it turning into princess syndrome isn’t it? Men don’t like women who are conceited and bitchy right? At least I don’t.

I think that last part should be elaborated on because it would be a bit of a mine field for women to intentionally be the “prize” that all men want, and not have an entitlement complex about it.

Reply March 13, 2014, 2:59 am

Eric Charles

Thanks Luke, I appreciate the comment.

Let’s be really clear with what we’re talking about… when it comes to a relationship discussion, it’s important that I make sure I know specifically what the other person is saying…

So when you are talking about risking “princess syndrome”, what precisely are you talking about? Like, what specific instances, situations, behaviors are you saying are at risk of coming about?

I’m not trying to nit-pick here — chances are, what you’re talking being at risk is something that’s different than what I recommend and I want to make that distinction clearly for the readers who follow the comment thread. If we talk about “princess syndrome”, then we’re talking about a closed and undefined concept – if we’re specific about the exact situations, behaviors, etc., then everyone will benefit.

Now, in terms of your following comment, I am completely with you… I dislike conceited and bitchy women… it is an attraction-killer for me. In other articles, you’ll see me talking about how disgusted I am that there are books and advice from so-called experts that suggest that men like bitchy women or “bitches”… so what you’re saying is in line with my viewpoint and I imagine your overall comment agrees with my view too…

“Entitlement complex” is another term that I would say is worth defining in terms of specific behavior, situations, etc. if you want to discuss that. I think a mentality of entitlement is also very self-destructive… so I imagine that our views are in alignment there too, I just think it’s worth showing specifically…

When I talk about being a prize, what I’m essentially saying is for a woman to recognize that she has worth and value to the man she’s attracted to…

There are a lot of women (not all, but a very large portion) of women who very quickly lose sight of the fact that they have inherent value, just by virtue of being a woman and being feminine (bring the feminine energy into the dynamic)…

When a woman believes that she needs to prove her worth or do things to be worth anything, it leads to all sorts of inwardly and outwardly destructive behaviors for her.

At the same time, when a woman has a false sense of worth, entitlement and/or conceit, I think that’s equally destructive to her (but in different ways). It’s actually just the opposite side of the same coin… it all stems out of fear and insecurity, only the women in this case keep men at an arm’s length so they’re never hurt or rejected, whereas the women with no sense of worth are constantly hurting because they feel like they’re already rejected and clawing their way out of that pit of pain…

What I’m really after is helping show the readers a path to realizing that it’s OK to feel OK as they are in the relationship… to assume that they are worthy and worthwhile as oppose to assume that they aren’t.

In terms of human behavior (whether it’s men or women), all off-putting behaviors stem from some sort of fear when you trace it all back to its source.

When people are at a place of being OK in their situation, they cut off these destructive cycles at their source: the fear. Whether that fear makes them inwardly destructive (feeling unworthy and rejected, constantly trying to prove herself) or outwardly destructive (being bitchy, conceited, mean, entitled, etc.) is just a surface level problem… the root of it comes down to her feeling “not OK” with herself and then the off-putting behavior is her reaction to that fear.

Hope that elaboration was helpful to highlight where I’m coming from. Again, thanks for the comment.

Reply March 13, 2014, 2:44 pm

luke

Yeah that clears it right up, she feels worthy of the man she wants as well as the ones she doesn’t want, because of self confidence, but as well as that we’re assuming the guy feels worthy too right? You make a point of saying the guy will do all these nice things for her to keep her around, it almost sounds like HE’S the one acting from a place of fear, but I know that’s not what you meant, I just feel like this part should have come at the start to put more emphasis on the parts where it shows that his actions are coming from a place of love, like with supporting him and making him feel like he can succeed with those things he’s passionate about, not that he’s afraid she’ll run off when something better comes along.

Reply March 14, 2014, 3:48 am

Eric Charles

Yeah, I understand. The article was becoming rather massive when I was writing it and I just needed to limit the scope at a certain point.

While I can’t necessarily depend on this, if the reader checks out other articles I’ve written on the topic, I get this across and put a lot of emphasis on choosing a man who they are compatible with, where there is genuine love and the relationship has two people who have a sense of value/worth.

As a writer on these topics, I could write hundreds of pages… but I have to limit the scope to keep the articles a manageable size… While it might look like I’m just talking about the subject, there’s a fair amount of judgment calls I have to make on what I am going to include and what is going to be too much for any one particular article.

To your point, though, you’re coming from a good place with your question. The thoughts you’re bringing up are exactly the type of thing I like to make sure women know are not paths that are ultimately going to lead to a good place (e.g. creating fear of loss to gain control, etc.)

My question in the situations where I see a person advocating such a position is, “How much manipulation does one need to create the foundation of a good relationship?” and also, “How much fear does one partner need to create in the other to create a loving bond?”

So yeah… we’re on the same page… I’m writing to an all female audience when I write, though I know guys do read the site, so I generally weigh my focus towards what the women are internally/emotionally struggling with before tackling anything a guy might be going through… since… usually the readers can’t hear anything else until I put out the flames of their emotional pain on any particular subject.

Reply March 14, 2014, 1:06 pm

luke

I see what you’re saying, it’s for female readers, and they wouldn’t just read one article and ignore everything but the part at the end.

March 19, 2014, 6:27 am

Joan

Hey Eric,
I’m having a situation where I’ve not dated in 2 years but a month ago this man walked in to my bakery and we sort of had a connection right away he would walk in up to 5 times a day just to see what I was doing. I’m older than he is but it seems not to bother him , the only thing is that every time we get close he runs but then when I ask him if he wants me to stay away he says no. I don’t know what to do I’m trying to be patient , he’s here traveling and was to leave last week but now he says he is staying another few weeks . Please give me some advice Eric. Thank you.

Reply February 26, 2014, 10:07 am

Marisol

Hi Eric.. Great articles!! I just read a couple of them and it has been an eye opener..
I started dating this guy since November 2013.. we even spend New Year’s eve together and had a great time.. then all of the sudden he told me that the intense feeling that was there at the beggining was dying out and that before we got into more deep..it was better to stop seeing each other to avoid hurting each other. I told him I understood and left it at that.. he asked me if it would be ok to call me just to see how I was doing and I told him that was fine. Then a couple of weeks passed without any contact from my part or his.. he called and left a message saying hi and wanting to know how I was doing.. I text him back the next day and told him I was doing great.. from then on he continue communicating and we are seeing each again like nothing happened.. Now I am confused because we never talk about it again.. what kind of sign is that?

Reply February 21, 2014, 11:29 am

Monica

I find it to be incredible!! It makes sense, yet I have found myself proving guys I don’t need anyone but choose them, and they always end up leaving. However, I just met someone and I am afraid of not being able to keep him, just like the rest. HE is very interested in me, ad somehow it feels different then with the other guys. I feel like we want the same things out of whatever we have and I don’t want this to change. How can I used this advice, specifically on him, so he sticks around?

Reply February 14, 2014, 6:26 pm

Cristina

This is outstanding advice!! I had a major eye opening moment when you talked about falling in love with and interacting with “the mask”. I believe I may have been with the mask in my last relationship, 6 years and engaged!!!! Im currently with a man who is absolutely amazing!! Im glad I came across your site and am enjoying each article and the really great advice! Thank you!! 🙂

Reply February 8, 2014, 9:22 pm

SoozB

This is the most intelligent and sensitive piece I’ve read for ages. It’s absolutely spot-on, and I wish I’d been aware of all these issues when I was much, much younger. The thing is, men will never tell a woman why he has a problem with her – he’ll just leave, or withdraw his affections. Very confusing for a woman, who doesn’t even know that expressing doubt about his abilities or not backing him up in public, for example, is hugely important. And damning.

Reply January 12, 2014, 11:50 am

Zee

This information is revolutionary to making relationships work! Thank you so much for clearing away eons of confusion about the opp sex!

Reply December 30, 2013, 3:23 pm

A

Hey Eric, great article. Thanks. You’ve touched upon an area in which I feel many women fail to understand, which is the psychology of a man, his inner workings and how he thinks. I only came to understand and realize some of the points in this article after making many mistakes with my ex. I think it’s wonderful that you can produce articles with practical and reasonable advice like this for women. Especially bc there are so few resources out there with such straightforward, clear advice. Thanks again.

Reply December 9, 2013, 5:31 pm

Christie

Eric,

I feel like im doing everything right with the guy ive been seeing. Although that wasnt always the case. I made some of the most common mistakes with this guy, everything from sleeping with him too soon and without a commitment..to going into emotional overload.. to trying to be “friends.” Finally I started dating other guys but all the while we remained in contact and slowly started building a genuine friendship..and for a while we were friends, and we were lovers. Its almost been a year since we met, and just recently I asked where he stood and he said he sees me being his girl and more than a friend eventually but he needs to take care of his personal financial life first, but that hes almost got it together. He thinks im beautiful and have an amazing heart but for now its friends. So my response was “thats sweet, no worries, friends is great :)” that night he brought flowers to my house and since then hes put in a lot of effort towards seeing me spending time with me and showing me a huge amount of affection, but now we dont have sex at all. He doesnt even expect it from me (of course he would love to) we have a deep meaningful connection, we admit we care about each other, the way he kisses and holds me when we are together makes me feel amazing and hes introduced me to some of his best friends.

Heres the kicker.. I accidentally blurted out “I wish you wanted more with me” the other night and he said “I just might..I just might” in a genuine ive been thinking about it way… now what do I do?…Just keep going with things? back off? is there something I could do or say to take things to the next level with him? Its been a hell of journey with this guy and I Iove him but I am ready to make something happen or..walk away. Cant keep putting my heart on the line to be let down.

Thanks,
Christie

Reply December 5, 2013, 7:01 pm

Tom

Just tell him what you just said.

Reply May 14, 2014, 6:08 pm

Kenny

This is so wonderful and inspiring! I learnt so much from it and discovered a lot of things not about the guy I am into alone but even about me, I really need to keep my MV high all the times so as to be the envy of all men.

Thank you & all the best

Reply December 4, 2013, 10:33 am

Steff

Hey Eric,
this really is inspirational for me. I’m seeing this guy for 6 months now, but there are no sparks. We hardly talk to each other, if you know what I mean, and a couple of weeks ago we decided to just flip over everything we had and start at the stage we actually skipped so far: getting to know each other. I told him I can’t do this casual thing anymore because it feels cold and business-like. He told me he feels the same and that he’ll try to change his behaviour, being less cool/cold and such.
I know that he likes to play video games and such, but considering the fact that I’m half a decade older, I can’t really appreciate that hobby, even if my age probably isn’t the real reason. But since I know he likes games “not only video games” and we’re planning to go out together for the first time in the weekend, I’ll ask him to join my pretend-play. “Pretend that we never met before”. Oh buy, I’m curious about the outcome. I’m really curious about HIM.
And wow, it took me 6 months to get him to say that he doesn’t want me to see other guys, like in a sexual way, but today he did.
xx

Reply December 2, 2013, 8:37 am

Steff

And PS.
most of the things I wrote here don’t have anything to do with the article, but I think once we start to talk and ask questions, it will come to creating some kind of bond as described in the article. And even if he likes things I don’t like, I’m more the encouraging type of person, rather than nagging about things I consider as annoying. I’m very direct but I’m not his mom. I look at girls and how they treat their boyfriends, I know I’m not perfect at all, but there’s one core point I seemed to understand from the beginning, something most women don’t get. If you fall in love with a guy, don’t try to change or manipulate him into something he’s not, because he’ll never be the guy you fell in love with. Guys aren’t stupid, they know when a girl tries to manipulate them. My ex told me every so often: “Thank you for not trying to change or manipulating me, but thank you for accepting me the way I am.”
If there’s something about your partner you suddenly hate so much that you can’t live with it anymore, you should take a look at yourself first. Why did it become so annoying in the first place? Most of the time it’s you, not him.

Okay, but now I try to focus on the article while I’m writing, I can say so many things that actually don’t have anything to do with the actual subject. I literally copied the whole text into a word-document and put notes under it. The steps I’m going to take, the things I have to change, the things I have to keep in mind. If you like, I could write down my experiences as soon as I got to try out the steps.

Reply December 2, 2013, 9:02 am

Abrha

Wow! Thank you so much for your intelligent insight, Eric. As a woman who is making every effort to be confident, feminine and seen as HV by Masculine, Alpha Males, I can say that these are all VERY true. And the thing is, its about energy, not effort. So for a long time I was ‘trying’ to do these things, until one day something within myself clicked and I naturally understood that the effort isnt what is attractive, its the energy of allowing a man to lead you is what is attractive. And a man wont lead you anywhere if you perceive yourself as not enough, low value, low confidence, etc.. Basically worrying about whats happening instead of knowing and feeling within yourself that you are enough and turning it around to ‘How do I feel about him?’. When he has to show you that he is worthy of your attention, in a loving, playful, qualifying way, then he is energized to do more and prove more and be more of a man because he is winning with you.
I dont know if this makes sense, but its a very recent understanding for me, both mentally and energetically. It has shifted all of my interactions with men, from maybe before where I might wonder.. oh..does he like me? He did or said this.. what does that mean? to.. well of course he likes me, im awesome, now.. do i like him? and Does his behavior show me that he values me? Because if it doesnt, im out. 😀

Reply November 27, 2013, 4:27 pm

eme

well…i love him so much..i truly do…this is my first time in a commited relationship..but i think ive changed a lot…n did not realise it.but now because im changing..he is changing and i finally realised its my fault..i controlled him too much and i have a feeling that he doesnt love me as much as last time..he told me his feelings and the things that i changed..he gave me 3 days to change..and i dun wanna loose him…now i dun think i have that somethng tht i hd last time that made him love me..everything in me is in every girl and still idk how he chose me…what should i do now…all the advice u gave above…idk how to do it…n i dun wanna loose him cuz i love him so much…what should i do? 🙁

Reply November 21, 2013, 10:46 pm

Ky

I love that you say men don’t like a woman who plays hard to get, but rather like they won a prize. this put a lot into perspective to me! To understand the line of ‘playing hard to get’ is not the same as a man winning something to make his and your life better.
If a man opens up to you about serious feelings and life problems, and thoughts, but he says he doesn’t want a relationship. Why does he trust you enough to tell you all of his feelings that he doesn’t share with anyone else?
I know you have said, If a man doesn’t want a relationship, thats just what it is. point blank. however could you give me some more insight into what he’s thinking to share every personal (and sensitive) thought with me?

Reply November 21, 2013, 9:46 am

lm

I’d love an answer to this one as well.

Reply December 17, 2013, 9:02 pm

Dyan

I really love your site…It helps me to understand men more…questions and some of my confusions (about men’s behaviour)are being answered and made things clearer. I hope you wont get tired of writing/blogging…
I always drop by in this site almost everyday…
Thanks Eric!this is a big help!

Reply November 21, 2013, 12:15 am

Rosie

Eric, I can’t tell you how ”on the money” your answer to the ”What do Guys like in a Girl” was, for me & my Guy. I signed up for your emails & comments to learn how to be a better ”Me” and help our relationship thrive. Thank you for all your helpful dialog.

Reply November 19, 2013, 4:39 pm

Rachel

Thanks for this post Eric! I read your articles ALL the time and I love the three areas you highlighted. It really put it in new perspective for me what the mind of a man is like and what drives him to want that relationship with you.

Reply November 18, 2013, 6:56 pm

Emily

This is the first article on “winning over the opposite sex” that makes sense. Cosmo girl should hire people like you instead of training women to act like total wholes. Girls too often settle for denial when treated poorly by guys and I like that this article calls out the BS and gets to the point. It is easier to accept the fact that a guy isn’t into you (for low market value or whatever) and only wants sex instead of convincing yourself that he is in love but has too much baggage to commit. We also need to accept that superficiality is involved – it’s the total basis for evolution! Yes, before making the effort to get to know someone we judge by the exterior. It took so many mistakes and tears for me to understand the whole game and now that I finally get it, it’s SO MUCH FUN. Everyone should be having a good time and it makes me sad to see girls cry over guys by the hour. Have high standards for yourself and you will attract real men who see you in the same light. Dress and act like a whore and you will definitely attract the sleazeballs. Have a good time, flirt, and dress in FLATTERING, CLASSY, SEXY CLOTHING not in absurdly tight/short glittery dresses. Be confident, have fun, and only let your emotions go when you know he is ready to commit. If you find dating stressful then there is something that needs to change.

Reply November 16, 2013, 1:49 pm

Deborah

You are awesome, and I do appreciated all your good advice too. Thank you

Reply November 12, 2013, 8:41 pm

brownie

Hello Eric, thank you for the article. It is quite insightful. I resently signed up with you. Hope to get more insightful articles from you. Just want to say thank and keep up the good work.

Reply October 17, 2013, 12:03 pm

KC

Would you say some of this is the same with online dating? Like the beginning stages with communicating through that form (messaging) and feel a sense of connection and have had some deep conversations… then for some reason don’t hear from him for a few days or ever again… what does that mean?

Reply October 14, 2013, 2:48 pm

Eric Charles

Huh?

Men don’t care about perfume. Perfume companies and marketers care about selling you perfume.

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:08 pm

Morgan

Yea, pretty much perfume was all I gathered from that also…lol.

Reply December 28, 2013, 6:35 pm

Candace

This doesn’t seem like a real relationship to me if the woman always has to challenge him to chase her and see her worth. So in essence, that’s like she’s pulling back to pull him forward. That seems very unfulfilling for her if she can’t pull herself forward without “scaring him away”. Doesn’t relationship mean mutual connection? It seems off balance for the woman to be half in it to keep his attention and suppress her true feelings. It’s a very immature structure, to “entertain him” constantly. What does that mean if the two of them have children? She’s going to be too tired to entertain him, she’s going to need him to love her and the children and help out. But will he get that transition, or will he disappear because the whole relationship was based on her continuous efforts to keep him entertained?

To me, a true relationship is complete, open communication between both parties. (Mystery puts up walls, the opposite of connection) The focus being strengthening each other and being your true, authentic selves around each other. (How can you bond with a person you constantly need to question?) No offense, but relationship advice like this should be titled “How to Catch a Young Boy”, because there’s no maturity and depth in any of this if the focus is on constantly winning him over, rather than being relaxed, knowing he isn’t going anywhere, and you two can grow together.

Reply October 12, 2013, 11:47 pm

Eric Charles

Did you even read the article? That’s exactly what I’m *not* saying… I made a point of explicitly saying that this is the common misunderstanding women have in the first place.

Re-read the article, word for word. You clearly didn’t read this or else you’d see that the article AGREES with what you’re saying. Jeez…

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:02 pm

Lynn

I think what Candice meant was that it feels like we have to win him because the burden is on us to worry about whether we let him Win us. And yes, she as well as I in my other post mentioned the “chase” that many other experts talk about. I think the reason she posted that as well as my agreeing with her is because we feel burdened with all of it linked together. Even just the “winning” us is kind of on us by what we do with men. Whether you want to mention the chase, hard to get, high value or winning earning us, it’s all kind of the same or at least an equal burden to us. It shouldn’t be something I should have to worry about. In reading your article, you mention the man has to feel like I am with him because he won me and not because I want a boyfriend. The problem here is that, yes, I really do want a boyfriend, but not someone I don’t like. I will only be with someone that I really want like and respect. As painful as it is to be single, I’ll stay that way if I don’t find someone I want. But…will the man realize that or will he think I am just getting with anyone as a low value person? I think Candice and I suffer from frustration…at least I know I do. There are so many things we are evaluated and judged for in our interactions with men. We will be judged with their perceptions of us women if THEY think we weren’t something to win/earn So, it still sounds like we have to give the guy a hard time or he doesn’t think we are something to prize. Many of the other experts mention “making a man win or earn us” as well. It all seems to link into what we do…maybe we aren’t allowing him to “win” us. That’s maddening to me. i just want to be myself. It’s still not too clear to me how to have him “win” me. I know you can’t advise everybody’s situation, but maybe another example or two so that I can be inspired to figure out my own situation. My perception on what it is to be “won” is also mixed with what I’ve read elsewhere on this topic. It’s been related to being hard to get, which I hate, or not always being available, etc. If I want to see him when he calls me I do not want to say no just to seem busy. So, if one isn’t busy enough, the man thinks our value is low. I am as busy as I want to be in life. I only see someone I really like. I can’t imagine getting in a relationship just to be in one…it has to be with someone I want. Well, all this takes too much to explain. Does any of this make sense?

Reply April 8, 2014, 5:00 pm

Lynn

Sorry about some of the repeats…didn’t realize it until I posted. I was having trouble with the computer.

Reply April 8, 2014, 5:06 pm

Lynn

Candice…I couldn’t cheer you on enough…you took words right out of my mouth. This is the core of what irritates me so much about dating. I have looked at so many e-books and advice that all says the same thing as this…about us women having to hold out ourselves just so we don’t “scare them off.” As I’ve been reading about this “challenging men” and them wanting a chase or making them “earn me” I have become exhausted at the thought. They speak so much about us women “filling our voids” and how it’s too much for a man to fill you up with things. Well, it’s too much for me to have to fill their void of needing a challenge, chase or winning/earning me. I’m not a “thing” to work for, I’m a person. A person with real wants, desires and emotions. I really hate the idea of men or anybody in general just evaluating whether I have any worth or not. I am a human being. The only people I can see thinking they aren’t worth much are people that deceive, screw somebody over and use people. I think they are very low value. But not this nonsense of people thinking you are high value just because so many others want you. I can’t control what other people like. Some people are stupid and don’t like a good thing. Some people don’t even like chocolate. So, it seems like many people have gotten the idea they are some kind of god and that nobody “deserves” them. The fact is, they sh** the same way everybody else does. These people that seem to think they are some kind of god…well, they have their own faults just like anybody else and s*** the same as everybody else. A lot of this stuff is what I call “dating politics.” I hate it even more than office politics. So, the people that like and want a person because everybody else does…don’t they have an opinion of their own? Who cares if everybody else likes them…do YOU like them? I just wish the people that practiced the attitude that a person is high value because everybody else wants them would have a backbone and have an opinion of their own. I decide if I like a man and I know what I like. Yes, I agree with Candice 1000% about EVERYTHING Candice posted. It is very fulfilling and even exhausting to have to entertain men. It is very unnatural to be half in it so that the man can chase us and we don’t scare them away. I agree, it is about how to catch a young boy…hahaha!! We seem to have to win them more than they supposedly win us.

Reply April 8, 2014, 4:00 pm

Kate

My friends and I have been in this “game” for a long time, some of us with a couple of divorces behind us. I read your posts and you peg exactly what men/women go through. However, many of us have found that we can capture a man, keep him interested and attentative, then he feels so darn good about himself he decides to explore because his confidence is built up. Plenty of younger versions are available and those women then become the prize to display. My friendship circle of women (in their 60’s) are beautiful, successful, agile, and what TV pegs as “cougars.” We’ve paid attention to a healthy lifestyle, our education, grooming, appearance. But, we seem to become a bit invisible as the man feels he can sample elsewhere. Then, the games really begin. At least your articles are helping us see how duped we are and opening our eyes to this age old “cat and mouse” game. No wonder so many of us are unamused by players. Trade them in – men could have grown up and understood the values of maturity!

Reply September 29, 2013, 11:40 am

Eric Charles

You need to find a relationship where the attraction isn’t about how young and pretty you are… nobody is going to be young and pretty forever… some are luckier than others in how pretty they get to be and how long they get to hold onto it…

Sex is common. Beauty is common.

… but a woman who truly sees into the man (his pain, his struggle, his deepest desires)… “gets” what he’s about and what he wants to achieve in life… “gets” him… and adds a dimension beyond sex because she’s the “woman in his corner”… that’s something that a man can’t walk away from.

The only reason I bring up a “cat and mouse” game is to show you that ultimately, that “game” can’t be won… there’s no way to win that. The only path to lifelong commitment is to serve one another on the deepest, most meaningful level… the level that won’t change no matter what age you’re at…

If you didn’t get that from the article… you need to re-read it, word for word.

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:07 pm

Tomaka

I loved your artical on what men want from women, could you email it to me. And please let me know if there are any tips on how to go deeper to get closer. Thanks

Reply September 25, 2013, 2:45 pm

dawn

I have lived with my boyfriend for 4 years. I have no children. He has 4 grown children one of which lives with us. We are in our 50s. His youngest is 23 and a spoiled ass brat. All 4 are constantly texting him and calling him. We don’t have a life because his children come first. We make plans and he cancels because they need him to change their windsheild wiper blades or fix their running toilet. It is non stop. I am a nurse and when I have a night off I would like to spend some time with him but he will head off in the opposite direction to spend time with them. When I tried to talk to him about it he he sid do what you gotta do. He told me if I am not happy and don’t like the way it is and if I think it will never change then go. Does he really mean I should leave because he’s never gonna make time for me or buy me a birthday present cause he paid his daughter’s electric bill and has no money left or he’s never gonna tell them no because we have plans?

Reply September 24, 2013, 10:16 am

mari

Personally… I wouldn’t put up with it. He obviously don’t value you. Just someone convenient. Get a happy life without involving him. If he realise his mistakes he will come to his senses. If he does it again then leave him for good, means he’ll never change. Good luck.

Reply September 24, 2013, 4:00 pm

mari

Well my man problem earlier has just ended. In my situation though it wasn’t worth the trouble trying to win him back as I discovered via fb that he was in a relationship with another woman. Luckily I’m a strong person and have only just known him for couple of months but I must admit it did hurt, probably hurt my ego more than anything really. He was such a canny deceitful cheat. Next time I will make sure I read his actions and not what he says or write. Good lesson for us all.

Reply September 5, 2013, 5:50 pm

mari

I have been having some man problem at the moment and stumble into this website which is a God send. Most topics here had been very useful to me. I believe and practice the “secret” and “law of attractions” and therefore I agree with most of your advice but pity I couldn’t see them before reading your articles here. I just want to say thank you rather than comment at this moment. I will however try to remember and apply your and Sabrina’s advice. Good luck to all of us!

Reply August 31, 2013, 11:34 am

Marcy Yauchler

I think I just got an ah ha moment. The guy I dated last September ended our relationship right before christmas. We didn’t have a title and no fights. He just said I reminded him of his mother. Very shortly after he became in a relationship that he was so proud of on Facebook. Called her his girlfriend and everything. I was very hurt. They even moved in together. But all they did was fight. So it ended in 4 months and thats when he started contacting me again. We texted every couple days and after a month he said he was moving back to the erea and wanted to meet me for a drink. That drink turned into a sleep over. That night felt like the past didnt matter and that we picked up where we left off. now before the night got serious he asked me if i was seeing anyone and I asked him. we both said no and high fived eachother. When it came time for bed i said in a jokingly way. This isn’t a booty call is it? He laughed and said no. We’ve been seeing each other about once a week for almost 2 months. We always have a blast going out for drinks, dancing laughing. Once in a while he will start a drunkin conversation that the timing just isnt good considering we both have been drinking. Most of the time the talk is about my son and how he doesnt want him to “just” be a car salesman. He has been struggling this month. So I’ve sent him a few funny texts to make him smile, I made him a nice vegetarian chilli when he had to work late. I’ve said that I was comfortable just staying home and watching tv. But he insists on going out. When we go out I order well drinks so they are cheaper. I’ve told him why I do that is because I don’t want money to ever be a reason to not see eachother. Last thursday we went out and he started ordering me brand name drinks. We went dancing at the first place we went on our first date last year. We had so much fun;Then on the short drive back to his place he just came out and said he was dating other women. I’m sure if I was sobur I would have said something better. But i said thank you for telling me.. So this means that I should start dating all the guys I’ve been turning down to be with you? and he said yes. He also said that I was the only one he was sleeping with. I asked if there was something i was doing wrong and he said no. He said his last date was 3 weeks ago and It didn’t go well. I couldnt think of what I’v done worng. Im positive and happy. Im easy to please. I just wanted to get to know him better outside the bars and the bedroom. We did stuff like that last year including the goodmorning good night text. at least every other day. I do love this man but wont say it. My qustion is: do you thingk this relationship is about the money and his lack of? After reading this article I think that by my ordering cheap drinks i made him feel like a falior and thats why he has pulled away. If this is true how can I save this relationship by acting in a way that makes it enjoyable for him and not about money. I know the lack of money is a big issue for him right now. he even showed me his bank statements. yes my parents are very wealthy but I don’t live like that. how do I act the next time he texts or calls. In 2 days it will be a week. Oh and he usually bretends that the drunken coversations never happened.

Reply August 28, 2013, 2:15 am

anne

I too have the same type of problems, dating guys who do not have a lot of money and so I also order the less expensive meals and drinks. And it seems to back fire because then I see him spending money on others. How do I handle this?

Reply September 5, 2013, 5:09 pm

Jasmine

I love this website, i singed up and i have sat here an read almost every article on here. Love your insight

Reply August 26, 2013, 4:26 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks, that means a lot to me.

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:09 pm

J

Wow, you are incredibly insightful. You have a way of decoding the seemingly complicated issues women all over the world face on a regular basis. I am extremely impressed, this is not the generic kind of hogwash you’d find littered across the internet! I am sure you have saved many relationships with this site…you should be proud.

Reply August 12, 2013, 5:52 pm

Eric Charles

Thank you, I really appreciate that. Thanks for the comment.

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:09 pm

Mina

But, what if you’re just really good friends who clicked from the beginning? Or what girls like me who agree to everything(good /fun )…too nice? Not desperate, just am honest. Is it a turn off, would a girl like that never be liked?

Reply July 29, 2013, 12:25 am

Eric Charles

You have to shift your mindset from doing stuff to impress the guy / making some impression on him and instead focus on what you like and want from life… a life that makes you happy… then put yourself out there and choose the man that responds well to how you are.

Yes, you would do best to make yourself as attractive as possible (men are visual, no getting around that). That said, so long as you’re doing your part to look your best, the next most important thing is to make sure you select a man who fits well (instead of a relationship that you have to put all your energy into in order to make it work).

You’d be amazed at how many women don’t follow the second most important thing… it’s probably why I have a business!!

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:13 pm

Tanjanialexis

Wow. I feel like i just learned alot. And I just loved the whole part about increasing your ‘market value’. That is something I will definitely be working on. Thankyou 🙂

Reply July 25, 2013, 11:16 am

Iviana

All I have to say is Preach the word! I was literally your cheerleader as I read this post. Thanks to you and Sabrina, the help of some friends and family, and life experiences I have been able to increase my “market value”. And its working so much! And not just for my dating life but my self esteem as well. I see myself as a young woman with a lot to offer, and there’s no way I’m settling for less than the best. So reading this article made me happy because I know my thinking and attitude is now correct!:) So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!

Reply June 27, 2013, 2:10 pm

Joyful7007

I am “seeing” a guy, we will call him “Steve” who is in the middle of a divorce and it will be final in a couple months so he is not as available as I’d like him to be because he doesn’t want to officially date until the divorce is final. We started out as friends and are now sleeping together (please don’t judge). He pursued me and told me he liked me. Because of his situation and not being able to “date” me until August I have been dating other guys. I am really starting to like “Steve” and he is out shining any other guy I date. Unfortunately I am starting to feel all my focus is on him because I am falling for him. I am starting to come across as needy so i feel in some ways he is backing off. I then throw in his face ALL the other guys who want me that are dating me. Initially he used to say I was hurting his feelings by throwing it in his face but now that he is backing off he says “well, go ahead and date them. If their life is in better personal order than mine maybe they are a better option to you anyways.” I can’t tell if I have pushed him away at this point or what I should do…. thoughts? I want to win this guy over.

Reply June 19, 2013, 3:12 pm

anne

Dear Joyful, So the grass was greener on the other side of the fence and you were so available, and now that he has had a taste of someone beside the mrs. he will want to explore to see what else is out there and you will become the rebound. I have also been so good at this, experience here writing this letter to you. As these people here will tell you (and me) it’s the chase he is after and he already caught you……….(and me). Now I sit back and wait for them to make ALL the moves and keep bridging, dating other guys; stay busy with your life and you will be more what he saw the first time he saw you. I think MR Right who I met over 6 months ago is finally realizing what he has found in me, but he finds me with plans already made for the weekend coming up………Hang in, don’t be cold, just be really busy with your girl friends and don’t throw these other guys in his face.

Reply September 5, 2013, 8:40 pm

Bambino

So what if you’ve been readily available. The guy is still interested you know he is can you reverse the situation? I’ve been with the same guy a long time. Off and on. Sometimes he was the pursuer and came after me. This time I called him up and we decided to get back together. Well I have to admit I had been acting real needy and he reacted exactly as you said. He felt he didn’t have the capability to make me happy. He didn’t break up with me, but has been super distant. I have learnt from reading a lot of relationship books that the best thing I can do is leave him alone. I have. He calls and text not nearly as much as he used to. He does not respond or acknowledge all my text (I refuse to call him) but I don’t question that either. I speak to him nicely. Is this the best way? I am really enjoying this site. I wish I found it when I got back together with my boyfriend. It would have saved me loads of heart ache, because from everything I have read the man truly does love me and I may have pushed him away by being needy and insecure. How can I fix this?

Reply June 12, 2013, 2:18 pm

Samantha

Just some thoughts:
I really learned a lot from this article. Recently entering my 20s has left me some questions as to why I am still single. Physically I am skinny, have dark blonde hair, blue eyes, and model on the side. I love to enjoy life and feel to be very personable to most. I do not have huge boobs like some of my friends with boyfriends so I feel at times that I will always be seen as less by men.
This opened my eyes to many different perspectives on love. Along with the articles, just the act of living life- and to stop worrying about finding love is fantastic. Even though I am growing up and am still the single one, there is still hope even though I am leaner.
I particulary loved the idea of “being a woman that he has to earn”. Arriving at my first year at university, I found the perfect guy. We had a great date, hit it off, he spoke about me to his friends, we talked about what we wanted to do in the future and everything seemed to have gone well. Afterwards I left with the idea that it went nicely, but he never spoke to me again. I had no idea what happened, but after a couple months he randomly apologized, but in a self-reflection I think maybe I was too available. I was obviously too ready for a relationship and he could sense the ease at which he could have me.
Anyway, thank you for this enlightening article, there are some very deep points.

Reply May 10, 2013, 12:54 am

Ninaa

Hi Eric!
I have read over a few tips on relationships, I have 2 people I follow – 1 from a man perspective and 1-from a woman’s perspective.

BUT I MUST SAY—you have taken the *cake* from both of them!
–Your insight you provided has been the most helpful yet!
I would love to follow your post,can u send me an email to subscribe?
–Thank you!
If I could I would thank you–for all women who come across your post.
Keep doing what you doing.

Reply May 8, 2013, 6:10 am

Eric Charles

Our newsletter sign-up is on the sidebar and the pop-up that comes up on our dating articles.

And our RSS subscribe is at the top in the header.

Reply May 8, 2013, 7:37 pm

Think I messed up...Jane

Hi Eric, I love your articles very much, though it saddens me to only discover all of this now, after I messed up. Precisely 1 year ago I met a really sweet guy, gentle, caring, charming, always friendly and not judgemental… at that time I could not believe that men like that still exist, so I sort of dived in with everything, telling him how we are made for each other and all that without getting him to chase me or getting to know him, I did show alot of interest in the things he like because I like those things too. Anyhow, he withdrawed almost immediatly and o we work together, I eventually “moved on” as I had to but always felt some “what if” with him. how can he know it wont work unless he’s given me a chance. at the very begining he was with me every lunch time or tea time we had, untill the moment I’ve spilled my guts about everything I mean everything… past realationships etc. When he withdrawed, it was like 3months later and I had someone who said all th “right” things, took me for a ride… pretended cause he only wanted one thing, which i didnt see at first, (he also works with me,FYI) anyhow, didnt work out, i got hurt, still single 9months later, and i never stopped thinking about the first guy, my trouble is that im afraid that Ive messed up so bad, because I didnt know all of this that I know now, and If I start to impliment all of the new things you teach us, would he then fall for me or is he’s vision of me ruined?????

Reply May 3, 2013, 5:55 am

Erica

Hello you are a very smart guy, love your article and I learned so much and I think it will help my relationship.It will help me. You really helped me understand a man and get how they really are different from women and I admire that.

Reply April 30, 2013, 9:10 pm

Meylin

Hi Eric!

I came across the site recently, and I must say, I don’t think I’ve ever read more thorough and accurate advice on relationships. As for this article, you certainly nailed it! Theory and practice often differs, but you actually support your reasoning and it all makes sense.

Thank you for the insights. I look forward to reading more of your articles.

~Meylin

Reply April 25, 2013, 10:53 am

Susana

Ever since I found your website Ive been stuck love your advice keep up the great work

Reply April 24, 2013, 7:12 pm

Angela

I really enjoyed this article and i’m making my comment before reading other comments… but i like the idea of the woman being a “prize” to be earned. It’s not a material idea, but it is in a sense. That the woman has decided that you’re the alpha male, that he got the best possible outcome, that he “won” in life. I’m glad that you made it very clear that there’s nothing material or superficial about this mentality. Sadly, some men mistake this mentality for the literal meaning…that a woman is something to be paraded around and treated like a new car or watch. It’s different because those material items may indicate success or wealth, but it doesn’t indicate what kind of person you are. Because you can have all the bling and wealth in the world, but if you’re still single after getting all that money, women WILL wonder what you traded to get it. Your sensitivity? Your humanity? Did you stop saying “please” and “thank you” in favor of looking like a hard-working, non-compromising businessman? That might impress another man, but it’ll drive away any serious, mature woman.
Anyway, i could go on, but i really appreciated the “win” mentality clarification. Thanks and well done!

Reply April 15, 2013, 9:26 am

gra

Eric, thanks so much for the advise.
Having relationship problems and I’m gonna use your advise and
see if that sorts it,
much love!!!

Reply April 9, 2013, 8:00 am

Alice

THIS IS FANTASTIC INFORMATION!!!!

Reply April 4, 2013, 10:12 am

Jessica

Thank you, Eric! Your insight is always so appreciated and helpful!!

Reply March 28, 2013, 10:15 am

Lourdes

Thank you so much!! I’ve read your emails and articles. I find them to be enlightening and informative. To get right to the point without all the “fluff” is excellent. I am one that hates wasting my time reading something that goes nowhere. I am pleased to see that I’m doing things right with a man I’m interested in. However, what you said about what he wants in his life is good to know. I am also happy to see that by what your saying about being the prize. I do consider myself to be quite a catch. I am confident in myself for all my abilities and really want the man to be worth my time. Several are vying for my attention but this one particular guy is the one who’s caught my eye. We’ve been feeling each other out and now I understand why. He is very happy that he gets my attention over other men and now I see how much it means from a man’s point of view. Thank you so much for this article. It will help me avoid potential mistakes and increase our chances of a meaningful relationship. God bless.

Reply March 23, 2013, 9:52 am

iliana

Eric,
About me being “the prize” do you mean that he has to feel like he’s in a competition with other men? For example, I’m dating other men. I’m not just focused on him?

Reply March 21, 2013, 7:23 pm

Eric Charles

It’s not about him feeling like he’s in competition…

Let me give you an analogy:

You happen to get a great job. You know it’s great – it pays well, you enjoy the work, you enjoy the people you work with. Yeah, it’s a job so you do have to work, but you love it.

At the same time… you know that if you stopped showing up or stopped doing work, you would be fired.

However, your boss doesn’t have to threaten you with that, ever. Your boss doesn’t have to remind you how great your job is, or how they could hire other people but they’re choosing you for now…

If you’re happy at your job, you’re not going anywhere and you’ll be a great worker. At the same time, you know that you have to show up and pull your weight.

Contrast that with a company that hires some guy who doesn’t take his job seriously… he shows up when he feels like it, doesn’t work very hard and really just doesn’t care much. But instead of firing the guy, the company covers for his weaknesses, ignores or forgives his absences and tries to “make it work” with him.

Maybe, for some reason, the company thinks they couldn’t hire someone else to do the job.

Maybe, for some reason, the company feels it’s on them to turn a loser into a winner.

Whatever it is… you recognize your job is a prize while the other guy is taking the easy handouts because he can…

The biggest irony of this is that if you got fired, you would probably be very upset whereas the second guy probably wouldn’t really care… he might even go so far as to blame and criticize the company as if it was their fault for his poor work quality (because he’s used to getting away with stuff).

Point is: You VALUE your job and your company recognizes that you do, so they keep you and invest in you. The other company VALUES the slob and invests in that loser, who’s actually doing much more to bring that company down than to bring it up.

YOU are the company. Who are you hiring for the role of “man in your life”?

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:25 pm

Cristina

Amazing analogy!!!!

Reply February 8, 2014, 9:39 pm

Nic

Awesome analogy!! Amazing what a change of perspective can do for how you think of things! Thanks so much Eric and Ilana for asking 🙂

Reply May 9, 2014, 2:32 pm

LeightonL

Eric,

Great advice. I guess I need more clarification; you say that he needs to feel he’s winning you and to keep your market value high… but exactly how do you keep showing that you’re choosing to be with him throughout the course of a relationship?

And how do you balance the aspect of showing interest, praise, and appreciation to the guy while maintaining a quality market value?

Thanks!

Reply March 21, 2013, 12:43 pm

zannie

thanks a bunch Charles,i never knew that man’s interest means a lot in them

Reply March 21, 2013, 9:32 am

Maria

Dear Eric you are confusing me. What do you mean by a woman keeping her market value? A lot of guys in society these days are losers; either not working or are working and just carrying themselves all kinds of sloppy (not caring about their appearance, smoking, drinking etc). I’m thinking about becoming a lesbian because most women out here are well kept and ready to treat someone kind and decent. Maybe you can write a book for men, so they can learn how to be a MAN. Help your brotherhood society because men are just pathetic these days.

Reply March 21, 2013, 5:27 am

miss single

you are so right im thinking the same way these guys are a complete waist of time no respect for women don’t want take you out on a real date but would rather come to your house an cuddle with the hopes of getting sex without putting bin any effort it sad and I am on the edge completely tired of there crap

Reply May 8, 2013, 1:50 am

Jenna

Dear Eric, Thank YOU! You’re like a great and caring friend Sweetie Pie! xoxo

Reply March 20, 2013, 10:18 pm

Glenna

Dear Eric, thank you so much for the valuable information you post for us women…it truly helps us see things from a man’s perspective. Keep them coming!

Reply March 20, 2013, 11:04 am

Anne Drew

I like ur articles.. its help me to built myself up after broken up with my ex.. 🙂 and we still goin out till now.. but one thing i wana ask if there’s a chance i can get back with him but at the same time im scared.. we nvr talk abt ourself since we broke up.

Reply March 20, 2013, 1:24 am

Kate

totally agree. you hit the nail on the head about men wanting to “win” at life. from everything i’ve learned about men i’ve gotten close to, that’s the perfect way to put it! i also couldn’t agree more with the market value. i’m pretty lucky because i’ve personally never had too much trouble with men. i’ve never been broken up with or too under appreciated in a relationship. and it’s not even like i’m the sexiest girl in the room. i’m pretty and all that but i’ve known so many girls who were, in my opinion, equally pretty or prettier than i am who have had a lot more trouble with men. i think part of it is simply being comfortable in yourself, and being comfortable with the concept of being alone. nobody, man or woman (though i would imagine a man would be even more turned off by it because of their inherent desire to win), wants to feel like somebody is with them out of fear of being single or out of loneliness or desperation or anything. it’s insecure and people can pick up on that, even if you don’t straight up say things like “omg im so worthless, nobody else will want me”. insecurity is never an attractive trait. it’s also impersonal and, in a way, it’s insulting to the other person. being with somebody for the wrong reasons sends the message “you’ll do, i need somebody” rather than “i genuinely think you’re a cool person and i want to be with you because of that”. anyways i’m basically just rehashing what you’ve said! i think this was a really good article and i hope ppl will let the information and advice sink in and really benefit from it.

Reply March 19, 2013, 9:37 pm

Rana

I’ve been seeing a new guy for around two months now, at first he was so into me he would go out his way to see me. About three weeks ago he seamed to loose interest he. stopped calling testing he was coming over every day and now I haven’t seen him for over a week.. I ask him if I had said or did something wrong and he says he is going through alot with his divorce settlement with will be very next week and he will be all better. I’m so confused. Should I call it quits or give him time? I feel so hopeless please help.

Reply March 19, 2013, 9:32 pm

Isa

Hi Rana, seriously I know how you’re feeling. My boyfriend was like that for MONTHS before we really got together. It was very painful to me and at the same time that was where I broke my old habits with men and started gaining patience and more selfworth. 1. Haunting him down scares him away. I said:” hey, we have to talk, we should get to know each other even more, spend more time together” 6 hours later I got a text saying: “we should take it easy…” meaning we actually stopped seeing each other. I started focussing on myself (even I was in pain and desperate) and my feminine grace, focussing on what a CATCH I am and all men noticed. Him too. I started having a few coffee dates and kept my options open even I missed him like crazy. But I also told myself: everybody sees me as a catch so now he must EARN me. Another time he stood me up on a date, I was devastated but said to him: “go do whatever you have to do but its going to be without me, cause I like to be treated right and you just didn’t respect my effort or my time”. I kept on looking georgeous and focussing on options in life, he observed me. Looooong personal struggle here but I learned how I really want a man to treat me. And what I want to put in a relationship. Today we are a couple and live each other madly. Good luck, let him earn you!

Reply March 20, 2013, 2:22 am

Joyful7007

Thanks for the encouragement. I am having a similar situation to what you had described so it is nice to hear of a happy ending 🙂 I had someone who pursued me but he has a divorce that will be final in a couple months so we were taking it slow. Now I became attached and am starting to give off that needy vibe and want to talk about the “relationship.” I noticed it pushing him away. I date other guys as well and throw it in his face. It’s very difficult. I think I need to be patient, keep dating and back off and see what happens. The other bad thing is I feel very readily available to this guy as well. He is a police officer and works nights so I feel like bend to his schedule in efforts to see him.

Reply June 19, 2013, 3:20 pm

anonymous

I will never understand why a woman will go after a guy who is still going through a divorce… a lot of those stories don’t end well for anyone. If he is separated and interesyed in you then talk to him but don’t be too available. Dont start sleeping with him or getting too cosy until he is divorced and you’re the only one he is seeing.

On a different note, if someone cheats on you (or with you) or if they can’t make up their mind and they make you an option, then remove yourself from the equation and make their decision easier. Never put up with crap from anyone no matter what.

Reply July 16, 2013, 9:13 pm

claire

I really like this article and feel there is a lot of useful information in it. I do a lot of these things naturally and it feels good to know what I’m getting right. Thanks

Reply March 19, 2013, 8:23 pm

Jessica

I’ve been seeing a guy friend casually with benefits! We don’t talk everyday but I do spend almost every weekend with him and his son. He works hard, is a great father and we have a great friendship. I would eventually like it to become more serious. I’ve been reading all the articles and following through with the advice. He has started to become more affectionate and is taking extra effort to spend time with me. Thank you for all the advice! I really want to keep this guy and I believe you are going to help me achieve this goal. To make me his one and only!

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:45 pm

Mimi

“I’ve been seeing a guy friend casually with benefits!”

“I would eventually like it to become more serious. I’ve been reading all the articles and following through with the advice.”

No you haven’t. It doesn’t seem like you have even read this article. Sorry to be hard on you, but you’ve given the ‘benefits’ for free without him having to earn it. Read it again.

Reply April 21, 2013, 2:37 am

Sarah

Do you tell them… you earned it!!!! Like today he msges me wants a nice pic while he was working.. and i say awe you been working hard hey ok ill take a break from studying lol

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:41 pm

sarah

I need some clarification on what earning someone is… like holding off on sex?? … not always being available..not giving, if your not getting????

THANK YOU -you guyz are great haha my ex and I are doing great.. but im still confused about some stuff!!!

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:38 pm

sarah

So what if you chased him and won him how then do you get them to chase you?

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:29 pm

Faizah

Hello Eric,
Thank you for the valuable tips, they are highly appreciated.

I’m having this online relationship for almost five months now, we have agreed from the start that we’re both in this for marriage. He told me that he has feelings for me (but never said that he loves me) and I’m starting to have feelings for him too.

The thing is, as the time goes by.. we don’t seem to have a clear plan/direction to what to do next, I asked him about month ago.. how he feels about this relationship or if he sees a future, he told me that he like me but can’t answer this question until we meet in person – I thought it’s only fair – but he also says that he’s not ready to meet in person yet because he’s busy starting a new business and working on his fitness.

I don’t mind to wait.. because I like this man very much (knowing that I’m still dating other guys online) but he’s the one that I want to be with.

My Questions: How long should I wait? when should I quit and move on? how can I let him know that I have other options, but he’s the one that I’m choosing? what EXACTLY should I say to him to see if he really interested to have a future with me or not?

Thank you again Eric!
Love,
Faizah

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:22 pm

Tracey

Im really sorry Faizah, but you have waited 5 months to meet this man and his reason for not meeting at the moment is he is building a business (ok fair enough, he has to commit to his business for it to be a success) and his fitness!!! The man is married or already has a partner, and you are the person he chats to when she is in bed or out with the kids.
Sorry to be brutal, but you are being played for a fool

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:52 pm

Faizah

Okay, but I forgot to mention that we live far away from each other, does this count?

Reply March 20, 2013, 9:52 am

Angela

I’m sorry too Faizah…but i think there’s something fishy going on with your gentleman friend. The best thing, i’d say, is to just do your own thing….keep pursuing your own interests and being happy on your own. If he decides he wants to be part of it, let him. But if he’s too busy in his own life, then that means his priorities are set. If a man wants you, he will stop at nothing to be with you. If he’s not made you his #1 priority, then make something or someone else your priority. You don’t need to sit around waiting for him to make you feel worthwhile! Please don’t do this to yourself! 🙂

Reply April 15, 2013, 9:31 am

Chath

Great advice Eric!
I’ve actually changed my perspective on life during the past few months, and realised the things that are truly important for me. That includes finding a good guy, however it has gone down quite a few steps on list of priorities. Reading this article now and your previous emails, I realise how important it is to just relax and not chase guys aimlessly…We need to get to know them better and also like ourselves better. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, but if we go through that process hopefully we’ll have made a great friend in the end and know more about what we want and need.

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:17 pm

shannon

Great article…so helpful…keep up the great work!!

Reply March 19, 2013, 6:39 pm