“There’s a guy at work that I’ve been interested in for a while. The problem is, he sends mixed signals and I can’t tell if he really is interested in me and flirting or if he’s just being friendly.
What do guys like in a girl? What makes a guy want to date a girl versus not seeing her as “girlfriend material”? What do men want in a woman that makes them see them as a catch?”
There are going to be differences from guy to guy, but I’m going to try and keep the discussion of “what men want” to the most universal items possible.
I think it’s important to make the distinction between what men want in a relationship and what men want with a woman. Moreover, we also need to factor in what men want in their life.
We need to look at all three areas because they are interconnected. When you know what men want, then you’ll naturally know what makes a man choose one girl to be his girl for the long term.
(Update: This men focuses heavily on the emotional connect elements of a relationship. If you are interested in topics on how to attract men and what turns men on, I would invite you to read these two massively popular articles on the subject: Part 1: How To Seduce A Man and Part 2: How To Turn A Man On)
First, what do men want in their life?
This is where you’re going to find the most differences between men. The good news is that if you know what factors are important in terms of relationships, you’ll know what to look for and what to understand about the man you’re dealing with.
Some men love sports, other men couldn’t care less about sports. Some men love science, others are uninterested. Some men love fitness, some love leisure, some love humor.
Every man loves something and it is plain as day if you actually look for what your man loves. You’ll see the evidence for it in what he does with his free time and what he gets excited about.
When you know what he loves, you want to start digging to really understand the emotions he has about that particular thing.
Let’s say he loves going to concerts, or he’s really excited to go to a concert. You’d want to ask him things like, “Really, you’re going to a ::whoever the artist is:: concert? Cool. Do you like concerts in general, or is it just because you like that artist?” Get the answer. “What do you like about concerts/ that artist?”
When you ask men questions like this, they light up. Guys are kind of weird with emotions; we keep them contained for the majority of our life and interactions, but when a woman wants to explore what we’re excited by, what we love or what we’re passionate about, we can’t say enough!
Seriously, don’t be surprised if a normally calm and collected guy starts gushing about how much he loves that particular thing.
All you have to do is be curious and interested in what he’s saying. Keep asking questions and exploring what he’s saying. Go deep and really learn about his loves, his passions, and his interests. More specifically, learn why he’s so passionate about them and what he finds interesting about them.
This will accomplish the following things:
First, he’ll be incredibly excited to tell you about his interests, loves, and passions because most people inherently want to share the things they love with people who are interested.
Second, if you seem interested in his interests, he’ll want to bring you into his world and expose you to it. In relationship terms, men love sharing what they love with people and having those people love it too. In a strange way, sharing what we love with someone else makes it fresh for us again.
For example, when I have a new girlfriend, one of the first things I want to do is watch all of my favorite movies with her.
Why? Well, I already feel that she likes what I like (chances are, she wouldn’t be my girlfriend if I didn’t see the world in a similar way as I do), so sharing the things I love with her is kind of like bringing her into my world further. Plus, I get to vicariously enjoy my favorite things as if I was seeing them again for the first time vicariously through her.
When a guy feels that you are intensely interested in his feelings about things he enjoys, he’ll want to share with you.
The more intensely interested you are, the more he’ll want to share with you… and the more he shares, the more he’ll bond with you.
In many ways, men internally feel alone in the world. We’re conditioned by society to never show our emotions, so we downplay all of our feelings on the surface. When a woman is intensely interested in our feelings, we’re able to finally breathe a sigh of relief, open up and share ourselves.
This is a pathway to intimacy with guys and while it looks innocent and maybe even a little silly, it is extremely powerful with men.
By extension (and I wouldn’t start here), exploring the things that are really on a guy’s mind is a way to go really deep with a guy.
Women often miss this because they’re hypnotized by his “mask” – that is, the suave, cool, got-it-together appearance that the guy has on the surface. It’s actually a huge mistake to engage with him on that surface level and believe that’s who he really is.
The reality is that he’s the man underneath “the mask.” He’s the man who feels emotions about the things that actually matter to him.
If you’re interested in what men really want from a relationship, then you want to make the part of himself that he hides from the world your number one focus. Not his looks, not his surface image, not his “mask”, not his popularity, not his career, etc.
Another area to drill into is his activity passions – whether it’s business, rock climbing, playing guitar, chess, or even video games… you want to understand what drives him to love it.
Men need to feel like they’re winning in the world.
Whether it’s winning at business or even living the social life they want, they need to feel like they’re a “winner” in the areas of life that are important to them. Winning in the world essentially means that he’s getting what he wants to get out of life in the way he wants to get it.
It’s very important that you understand where in life he wants to be a winner since these are the areas of life that determine if he’s happy in life or not. These are the areas of life that make him feel like life is good or life is bad. In short, “winning” in life is the most important thing to him.
You just need to understand what winning looks like for him because it will be different for every man.
When it comes to what men want from a relationship: men ultimately want a woman in their corner who believes in them and who always sees them as the winner they want to be in the world. Even when he feels like a loser. Even when he’s going through tough times. Even when there’s been a major setback and he feels like his world is falling apart.
When a man feels like you are the woman in his corner… the woman who gives him inspiration, strength, and confidence to compete… the woman who gives him a power to win in a way he couldn’t do on his own…
… he won’t just feel a bond with you… He will want you with him forever.
Here’s the most important question men ask themselves in a relationship – Does being with you make him feel like more of a winner in the world than he could ever feel like without you?
I know that sounds obscure, so take a minute to really absorb that. When you can really let that sink in, you’ll understand exactly how to reach him on a profound level that no other woman is even thinking about.
This is why it’s so important to understand what men want in life. When you understand what he wants in life, you can understand what he needs in a relationship.
What men want in a woman.
Now let’s get into the third piece and talk about what men really want in a woman. Let’s get the superficial stuff out of the way first.
First, superficial does not mean unimportant. If you ignore the superficial side of things, you will be at a tremendous disadvantage.
The smart way to go about things is that you acknowledge the superficial side of things and win in the areas where you can win.
So first, there’s sex. Great sex isn’t going to be a relationship-maker, but it certainly is very important to men. There are enough resources out there about being good at sex that I don’t need to delve into it here. My point is simple: Learn to be great at sex and learn to love sex – it helps.
Next, there’s your looks. Sadly, women tend to pick the features about themselves that they dislike the most and focus on those.
Men, on the other hand, tend to focus on a woman’s best features. You would do best to follow the way that men see women and focus on your best features too.
In the realm of how a woman looks, I’m all for fitness, sexy outfits, and sexy make-up. I have seen relatively plain looking women turn into super hot knockouts just by getting in shape, wearing clothes that flatter their body-type, and learning the kind of makeup look that turns men on.
You might think that this is all superficial and I don’t disagree with you. However, this has a far deeper impact than just how he sees you physically.
It has to do with an incredibly powerful psychological motivator for men, which I call “market value.”
What do I mean by market value? Well, it’s silly, but human nature is to want whatever everyone else wants.
You’ll hear so-called relationship experts in rag-magazines and pop-psychology books talking about how “men need a challenge” and “men love the chase”…
This advice is confusing and I often see women misinterpreting it.
The fact is, acting like a challenge for no reason or making a man chase you is simply annoying and feels manipulative. What does work is…
Being a woman that men need to earn.
What does that mean? It means that not every man could have you. Only the best man can have you – the man who wins you.
See, if a man feels that you’re with him because you want a boyfriend, then he knows that he could put in barely any effort since your primary interest is in getting some empty relationship title.
However, if a man feels you’re with him because he “won” you and was better than all the other men who you could be with, then he’ll continually work hard to make sure he pleases you and “wins” you.
This makes all the difference between whether he’ll be the guy who sits on the couch all day playing video games and eating potato chips… or if he’ll put in the effort to make you a priority, take you on romantic dates, and treat you like his queen.
The trick is – you need to keep your market value high. You need to be a woman who other men would jump at the chance to be with if given the opportunity.
Again, the reason for this is that he needs to feel like you’re a woman who’s choosing to be with him every day because he’s the best and that he’s winning you… not because you’re lonely, not because you want a relationship title, not because you “need” him.
My point here is that it’s not about a specific body type or a specific hair color or a specific look… the factor that makes him intensely want to pursue you, keep you happy, and put effort into pleasing you in every way is based on your market value and his perception that he’s earning you.
That’s the kind of woman he wants to be with: the woman who he feels is a prize that he won.
Granted, I went over a lot in this article and I would encourage you to re-read it and really think about everything, so go ahead and think about it.
However, it would mean a lot to me if you could leave me a comment – let me know if you have questions about anything, let me know things you liked and that helped and let me know anything else that’s on your mind. If nothing else, leave me a short comment about anything – I just want feedback so I can keep making my stuff better and better. Thank you.
Hope it helps,