Ask a Guy: What Do Guys Like In a Girl? post image

Ask a Guy: What Do Guys Like In a Girl?


“There’s a guy at work that I’ve been interested in for a while.  The problem is, he sends mixed signals and I can’t tell if he really is interested in me and flirting or if he’s just being friendly.

What do guys like in a girl?  What makes a guy want to date a girl versus not seeing her as “girlfriend material”?  What do men want in a woman that makes them see them as a catch?”

There are going to be differences from guy to guy, but I’m going to try and keep the discussion of “what men want” to the most universal items possible.

I think it’s important to make the distinction between what men want in a relationship and what men want with a woman.  Moreover, we also need to factor in what men want in their life.

We need to look at all three areas because they are interconnected.  When you know what men want, then you’ll naturally know what makes a man choose one girl to be his girl for the long term.

First, what do men want in their life?

This is where you’re going to find the most differences between men.  The good news is that if you know what factors are important in terms of relationships, you’ll know what to look for and what to understand about the man you’re dealing with.

Some men love sports, other men could care less about sports.  Some men love science, others are uninterested.  Some men love fitness, some love leisure, some love humor.

Every man loves something and it is plain as day if you actually look for what your man loves.  You’ll see the evidence for it in what he does with his free time and what he gets excited about.

When you know what he loves, you want to start digging to really understand the emotions he has about that particular thing.

Let’s say he loves going to concerts or he’s really excited to go to a concert.  You’d want to ask him things like, “Really, you’re going to a ::whoever the artist is:: concert?  Cool.  Do you like concerts in general, or is it just because you like that artist?”  Get the answer.  “What do you like about concerts / that artist?”

When you ask men questions like this, they light up.  Guys are kind of weird with emotions; we keep them contained for the majority of our life and interactions, but when a woman wants to explore what we’re excited by, what we love or what we’re passionate about, we can’t say enough!

Seriously, don’t be surprised if a normally calm and collected guy starts gushing about how much he loves that particular thing.

All you have to do is be curious and interested in what he’s saying.  Keep asking questions and exploring what he’s saying.  Go deep and really learn about his loves, his passions, and his interests. More specifically, learn why he’s so passionate about them and what he finds interesting about them.

This will accomplish the following things:

First, he’ll be incredibly excited to tell you about his interests, loves, and passions because most  people inherently want to share the things they love with people who are interested.

Second, if you seem interested in his interests, he’ll want to bring you into his world and expose you to it.  In relationship terms, men love sharing what they love with people and having those people love it too.  In a strange way, sharing what we love with someone else makes it fresh for us again.

For example, when I have a new girlfriend, one of the first things I want to do is watch all of my favorite movies with her.

Why?  Well, I already feel that she likes what I like (chances are, she wouldn’t be my girlfriend if I didn’t see the world in a similar way as I do), so sharing the things I love with her is kind of like bringing her into my world further.  Plus, I get to vicariously enjoy my favorite things as if I was seeing them again for the first time vicariously through her.

Quite simply – when a guy feels that you are intensely interested in his feelings about things he enjoys, he’ll want to share with you.  The more intensely interested you are, the more he’ll want to share with you… and the more he shares, the more he’ll bond with you.

In many ways, men internally feel alone in the world.  We’re conditioned by society to never show our emotions, so we downplay all of our feelings on the surface.  When a woman is intensely interested in our feelings, we’re able to finally breathe a sigh of relief, open up and share ourselves.

This is a pathway to intimacy with guys and while it looks innocent and maybe even a little silly, it is extremely powerful with men.

By extension (and I wouldn’t start here), exploring the things that are really on a guy’s mind is a way to go really deep with a guy.

Women often miss this because they’re hypnotized by his “mask” – that is, the suave, cool, got-it-together appearance that the guy has on the surface.  It’s actually a huge mistake to engage with him on that surface level and believe that’s who he really is.

The reality is that he’s the man underneath “the mask”: he’s the man who feels emotions about the things that actually matter to him.

If you’re interested in what men really want from a relationship, then you want to make the part of himself that he hides from the world your number one focus.  Not his looks, not his surface image, not his “mask”, not his popularity, not his career, etc.

MORE: 5 Things Every Girl Needs to Know About Men

Another area to drill into is his activity passions – whether it’s business, rock climbing, playing guitar, chess, or even video games… you want to understand what drives him to love it.

A key understanding about men is:  men need to feel like they’re winning in the world.  Whether it’s winning at business or even living the social life they want, they need to feel like they’re a “winner” in the areas of life that are important to them. Winning in the world essentially means that he’s getting what he wants to get out of life in the way he wants to get it.

It’s very important that you understand where in life he wants to be a winner since these are the areas of life that determine if he’s happy in life or not.  These are the areas of life that make him feel like life is good or life is bad.  In short, “winning” in life is the most important thing to him.

You just need to understand what winning looks like for him because it will be different for every man.

When it comes to what men want from a relationship: men ultimately want a woman in their corner who believes in them and who always sees them as the winner they want to be in the world.  Even when he feels like a loser.  Even when he’s going through tough times.  Even when there’s been a major setback and he feels like his world is falling apart.

When a man feels like you are the woman in his corner… the woman who gives him inspiration, strength, and confidence to compete… the woman who gives him a power to win in a way he couldn’t do on his own…

… he won’t just feel a bond with you…  He will want you with him forever.

Here’s the most important question men ask themselves in a relationship – Does being with you make him feel like more of a winner in the world than he could ever feel like without you?

I know that sounds obscure, so take a minute to really absorb that.  When you can really let that sink in, you’ll understand exactly how to reach him on a profound level that no other woman is even thinking about.

This is why I mentioned before why it’s so important to understand what men want in lifewhen you understand what he wants in life, you can understand what he needs in a relationship.

However, we haven’t yet touched on the third piece, which is what men want in a woman.

Let’s get the superficial stuff out of the way first.

First, superficial does not mean unimportant.  If you ignore the superficial side of things, you will be at a tremendous disadvantage.

The smart way to go about things is that you acknowledge the superficial side of things and win in the areas where you can win.

So first, there’s sexGreat sex isn’t going to be a relationship-maker, but it certainly is very important to men.  There are enough resources out there about being good at sex that I don’t need to delve into it here.  My point is simple:  Learn to be great at sex and learn to love sex – it helps.

MORE: Exercises to Enhance Your Sex Life

Next, there’s your looks.  Sadly, women tend to pick the features about themselves that they dislike the most and focus on those.

Men, on the other hand, tend to focus on a woman’s best features.  You would do best to follow the way that men see women and focus on your best features too.

In the realm of how a woman looks, I’m all for fitness, sexy outfits, and sexy make-up.  I have seen relatively plain looking women turn into super hot knockouts just by getting in shape, wearing clothes that flatter their body-type, and learning the kind of makeup look that turns men on.

You might think that this is all superficial and I don’t disagree with you.  However, this has a far deeper impact than just how he sees you physically.

It has to do with an incredibly powerful psychological motivator for men, which I call “market value.”

What do I mean by market value?  Well, it’s silly, but human nature is to want whatever everyone else wants.

You’ll hear so-called relationship experts in rag-magazines and pop-psychology books talking about how “men need a challenge” and “men love the chase”…

This advice is confusing and I often see women misinterpreting it.

The fact is, acting like a challenge for no reason or making a man chase you is simply annoying and feels manipulative.  What does work is…

Being a woman that men need to earn.

What does that mean?  It means that not every man could have you.  Only the best man can have you – the man who wins you.

See, if a man feels that you’re with him because you want a boyfriend, then he knows that he could put in barely any effort since your primary interest is in getting some empty relationship title.

However, if a man feels you’re with him because he “won” you and was better than all the other men who you could be with, then he’ll continually work hard to make sure ... (continued - Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: What Do Guys Like In a Girl?)

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Telma

Hi Eric, thank you so much for bring clarity in such a simple way with your articles about what a man wants in a woman. I’m Brasilian , born and raised in Brasil, living in the USA for 14 years and, I got tell you: I can’t get used with American ways to date. To me, be fun, sexy and playful, make part of my personality. The guy I’m with, it’s a king, literally and, he’s a winner in having me by his side. I make sure he knows that on a daily basis. I don’t play games. It’s just natural to me. What surprises me, and please, don’t get me wrong if I go against about what you said in having a man close to is like to do, enjoy the things he likes and show it, to me have been backfire me. I’m easygoing, I love sports, outdoors , at the same time that I’m dressed up to go anywhere. You won’t see me in my pajamas pants anywhere else than in my bed, in winter season only:). Anyway, what I have to tell you is that I have been there, having fun, teasing, been sexy , not a hard thing to do for a Brasilian. And guys get scared off, running away, thinking I’m looking for commitment or a relationship right at the batch. No. I’m divorced for 5 years with a handsome 7 years old son, my career, my
house, not a lot if free time to date. Only one boyfriend after 2 years divorced, that lasted 2 years. I’m single for a year and not the kind to look for guys in bars or online:( . Not desperate yet. Then, a guy move in 2 doors down from my house. Good looking, friendly and introduced himself on the first time saw me outside. Recently separate, going through divorce, 2 kids. We hitch right away. Our kids too, having sleepovers next day. He asked my number and starting texting me, making a lot of compliments about my looks, my clothes and we starting talking about our lives, marriages and divorce:(! I noticed he was hurt and at the same time, eager to get to know me. After couple days of teasing and playing with each other, he came I’ve one night that the kids were with the other parent and, I cooked and he made margaritas. We danced in the kitchen and kissed. After a nice dinner and a lot of compliments, we cuddling in the sofa and watched tv. The next day, a thank you text for the great night. Then, in the evening, he came by to tell me he was expecting a female friend visiting his new place. I was got out of guard as I felt confused why he was having a woman in his house when he was alone. I didn’t say anything, he left and, I don’t know how long the woman stayed in his place. The next day, he called and, I expressed to him my confusion as he let things clear to me that we would take things slow and wait his divorce finalize to see what was going on with us and, then, he has another woman in his house the next day. He was surprised I confronted him about it but, I wanted he know I wasn’t going to sell myself low, even if I wasn’t date him officially. I asked him how he would feel if I had another guy coming over to house in the same circumstances and he told me he would feel weird… Next day, he called and said he just was as confused and didn’t know what to say to me other than he couldn’t pursue a relationship right now and , that he was just feeling he was forcing himself to me because he didn’t want to miss the opportunity of been with an amazing girl like me. I was shocked as I thought I didn’t show or told him this was what I was looking for. I was just be me, and treating him with care and kindness , because I felt this is what he needed in that moment. I was not thinking in date him officially before he officially be divorced. I thought I was clear on that. It looks like I was not and, I told him I was backing off because I never thought in pressure him right now, when I know how hard it’s a divorce. I apologize and he apologized too. I guess because we liked each other and he thought it was too soon to this happen with him. It’s like he wanted control his emotions and I don’t. 2 weeks have passed, he’s out of town in vacation and no phone calls or texts. Only an email invite for his son birthday this coming Saturday. I’m lost, I don’t know what to expect when I see him, I don’t know how to take this. He was so into and in one second, he withdrawn. Any hopes, suggestions , inputs? I appreciate your insight on this situation as I realty did make him feel like he was a winner. What now?
Thanks you south:)!
Xoxoxo
Telma

Reply August 21, 2014, 5:39 pm

alyssa

hi..im dating a guy from Nigeria he mention me that he have gf his back home I thought they not talking anymore but I found out they still communication.and his telling me he loves me now im thinking his leing telling me he loves me and he have gf back home..i don’t know what to do I fall in love with him already pls.help me..

Reply August 19, 2014, 5:54 pm

Tawana

Hi Eric,

This is some great insight on what men want, and it did seem to draw him in a little, but he still gave me the he doesn’t want a commitment line and like you said it doesn’t matter the reason. So I’m still not sure.

Reply August 17, 2014, 9:20 am

latifah

Hi Eric,
Wow this is awesome. Thank you so muc for this….

Reply August 8, 2014, 2:12 pm

Bri

I signed up for the newsletter last night and was expecting to unsubscribe today because I’ve read a lot of bogus articles in the past from other websites-wow was I wrong. This was a very thought-provoking, inspiring article and I have greatly enjoyed reading through your advice columns.
You seem like a genuine soul who is trying to inspire women to embrace and love themselves-hats off to you. I’m surprised by the amount of women wanting to argue with your advice “from a man’s prospective”. Don’t let them discourage you.

Just a note to say thanks and best of luck!

Reply August 5, 2014, 10:03 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Bri, I really appreciate that. :)

Reply August 5, 2014, 10:17 pm

Lisa

This article was great Eric! All these articles are great!

I knew I have market value, Now I know I have a lot more! All of this makes so much sense!
I appreciate all these articles, and all you and Sabrina’s hard work on these!

Thank you again,

Lisa.

Reply July 26, 2014, 2:32 am

Debbie

Great advise…between u and sabrina ive learned so much…I love reading all your stuff and it helps me to stay focused on the important things…something thats helped me the most is to not over think or read more into things “the relationship is what it is at that moment” to b the prize and not to b needy! These things r working for me! Thank u so much…cant wait for more great advise!

Reply July 25, 2014, 5:24 pm

krustle

Tleive been with my boyfriend for allmost 5 years.he started emotionally cheating just a few momths into the relationship at forst he would denie it but now he just says yeah so. I allready kmow what tdo. I just wanted to lnow what your intake on it is

Reply July 25, 2014, 4:16 pm

nickj

Hi, nice article, helpful tips and ideas. But one thing I want to ask or add that if a woman is of high market value herself, a man interested also want to take his mask off or that smart woman can detect his motives. Men now demand too much in a woman they look for to be a winner but not showing any efforts at all, you think its fair?

Reply July 25, 2014, 11:17 am

RL

Loved the article and I will read it again. I had one question. When you are in a relationship and you know he feels you are a woman he sees as “prize” that he earned, how does a woman maintain that in their man?

Reply July 24, 2014, 7:01 am

Wendy

“LM” – GTF-Over it. Wow. You need help more than anyone else on here.
Eric – you are awesome. I have read alot of books and articles over the years. I truly feel you know what you are talking about and am going to continue to read and implement what you suggest. As a female in a new relationship who didn’t want to EVER be in one again after the last, I can say that what you have said so far, is straight up true. The guy I am with now, I am ONLY with because of how he is. He won, and keeps winning and I am going to keep learning more.
:)

Reply July 19, 2014, 12:59 pm

LM

Wendy this is “LM” clearly you have had to read many books & articles on how to keep a man. It’s obvious you are a follower & not a leader. Whatever comes from you is not from YOU. It came from what another person told you; books and articles. Find your real voice.

Reply July 19, 2014, 1:31 pm

Judy Ferris

Ive really enjoyed reading your articles wanted to say thank you I am kind of Taken back on a guy that I’ve been dating 4 months, he lives in Vegas I live in Colorado Springs I am ok with the long distance piece of it. we are both too busy to really engage in anything more than that but it just seems that it was all exciting in the beginning, and since him and I had disagreements.we have resolved those disagreements ….but it just seems we talk mostly about his work and I take interest in is work. but it just seems as though he’s not interested totally. I never call him first because he,always seems busy so I let him call me when he’s free .he brought up my moving to Vegas , I told him I needed a year to prepare then , he said ,he doesn’t know if he was ready to share his,space anyways and it was too soon then became a little standoffish..I have mixed feelings about how he’s acting .I’ve given him space and time .What Can I do different? I’ve been focusing on me and what I need to do …but cabt,stop thinking about it

Reply July 12, 2014, 8:17 pm

Catt

Hi Judy,

Please don’t uproot for a guy you’ve only known for 4months. After being hot and then cold asking you to move with him, he just seems to be living for the moment and not passionate about you. If he really had deep feeling for you, he would understand your request of giving it a year. Long distance relationship is tough, but if his giving you mix signals now, then chances of it “STICKING” when you move will be rare. I know it’s tough, believe me. But please don’t give up everything you know (where you are now) for someone who is not passionate about you. If things don’t work out (chances are slim) then you will have to re-start all over again. He will just continue his life as if he had visitor. You have to much to sacrifice next to him, his just making space for you. If it doesn’t work out, he will expect you to leave with the clothes on your back and possible a “good luck to you” comment.

Reply July 12, 2014, 10:15 pm

Alma

Hi Eric,

I want to first thank you for all the advice and wish I had read it before getting involved with the last guy. Really appreciate the male perspective.

I think my main question I want answered is can a man and a woman be friends after they breakup. A little background: I met this man online. Things were great in the beginning. First date, was great fun and the chemistry on fire. He even said it was the best first date he had ever had. 2nd date which fell on Vday was even better. But funny thing is the 2nd date almost didn’t happen. We were talking on the phone after our 1st date and he had asked me about my divorce and why it didn’t work out. I told him of my ex’s infidelities but that wasn’t why I decided to end it, the reason I ended it was because my ex would never admit he cheated. So I felt there was nowhere to go if he could not be honest with me so we could take steps to fix our marriage. To this he asked how did I know he was cheating? Well being the honest and forthcoming person that I am I told him of course a woman always knows, but that I confirmed it by reading texts on his cell. Well this was a HUGE RED flag for him! He continued to preach that that was a huge invasion of one’s privacy and there’s absolutely no reason ever one should invade someone’s privacy. Well I stood my ground and proceeded to say that in marriage there is no privacy no secrets. I should be able to see what’s on my husband’s phone and him mine. He ranted on and on about how that was wrong and how he had huge issues with his mom and his privacy growing up and so forth. Very adamant on the subject. Well I stated while I don’t make it a habit of checking my significant others phone I couldn’t say I would ever do it again. (yes I’m honest to a fault) Honesty is probably the most important thing to me in all my relationships not just romantic. Anywho, seeing that we were never going to agree on this topic, I said let’s just agree to disagree. The next morning he calls me while on my way to work and says he doesn’t think he should go to the concert on Vday and just to give his ticket to a friend. And went on to say that he didn’t think “this” would work and that we probably shouldn’t see each other again. I just laughed surprised at his reaction to our disagreement. I told him, look you already bought the ticket let’s just go and have fun and then we can go our separate ways. I convinced him. In the coming months, he would always say how convincing and pushy I was. Vday date was amazing, he pulled out all the stops, he dressed up, of course I was looking fine, he really enjoyed the concert (was even emotional at one point with tears in his eyes) then he surprises me with flowers and takes me to a really good expensive restaurant. Needless to say, I gave him the “good stuff” that night. Which I never do btw, I always make them earn the good stuff. Took my ex 3 months til he got it. I digress, the relationship, and I use this term loosely, was tumultuous. After Vday we spoke everyday, he texted me often but he would always have these reservations, doubts concerns about me. But the sex was off the charts! He would state how he hated how I had this sexual power over him. That he couldn’t remember the last time he enjoyed sex so much. He would text saying “I’m so lucky to have met me you, Sorry I fought it in the beginning, I don’t want to fight it anymore. You are an amazing woman. I like you, alot. I’m waiting for something crazy to happen. Why are you single?” But all the while he would have concerns about me and that he’s not good in a relationship. He would confide very personal things to me and tell me how devastatingly crushing his last relationship was. I in the meantime am falling for him giving him all my time and energies. Excusing his behavior for his past bad breakup. That if I could just be loving, accepting and understanding he would open up his heart to me. At one point he takes me to meet his family stating he had wanted me to meet them for awhile. Then later saying that that was no big deal that he frequently brings the girls he’s dating to meet his family. So many mixed signals that would leave me frustrated and hopeful at the same time. Now 6 months later, he has decided to end it coldly not giving me an explanation only saying that I always to have to have it “my way”. This is probably the 5th time he has “broken up” with me. In the past we would end it amicably saying lets be friends but then we would see each other and end up in bed starting the whole crazy cycle again. But this time I fear it’s it finally over. I still have feelings for him, can’t just shut those off, but I have accepted that romantically it’s over. But this time I really want to try just being his friend, no sex, no strings. Just spend time with him every so often and go for a hike together. Is that possible?

Reply July 12, 2014, 3:12 pm

PricklySweet

This is so spot on…I’ve just entered a new relationship with a fantastic guy that is going great–a complete 180 from my last one, for sure! This article has helped me pinpoint what was different about ME, and why I’m getting better results from this guy– so I know what to keep doing. Keep it coming!

Reply July 11, 2014, 11:19 am

kirsten

Awesome Article..
I am a new widow..back out there again.. And your articles are always great.. I love this one especially about finding where a mans interest lie and where his dreams in life truly exist. When you find them..his whole heart follows..soooo true.
Thanks Eric!!

Reply July 7, 2014, 4:32 am

Mia

Well done job, I think I do understand man better now. I think that my man is not that complicated. But our situation is a little complicated, we are apart we dont get chance to spend time together that often and its all because of our job. And we just started something, I am not going to say it’s relation ship but it is something, I feel frozen next to him since I first saw him. And the time we started something happen over internet and he were so nice and sweet so I think I disappoint him at one moment because he was about to help me out with something trying to “win” me and I didnt let him do that, and from there he changed. He still sweet and all that but we dont talk that much, he came to visit me and it was very nice, and he is going through difficult time with his family at the moment. And I really like him, and I would like him next to me, he told me a lot of times that I am always smiling and I am different and that I am full of good vibes and energy, that I am strong women. But kind of I have the feeling that he is not the same anymore. And I am not being needy, I let him to have his space I think that he needs that. Anyway I would like to say thank you for your articles they really helped me understand the questions that I had about my boyfriend and the reason behind his behavior.

Reply July 4, 2014, 10:21 am

Makayla

Eric,
This article was so helpful. Thank you so much for your insight of this topic.

Reply July 3, 2014, 7:08 pm

catt

Eric,
I don’t know if widower/widowers would be an expertise of yours. If so, would you please give some advise. There are so many people like myself who has dated a widower. I Had no idea how different it is to date one and date a divorce or someone who’s never been married.

Thanks,

Reply July 2, 2014, 2:57 pm

CATT

Hi Eric and Subrina,

I just want to thank you both. I want to share with my experience and how ANM gave me the courage to make a tough but a positive decision in my life.

I (37) met a widower (46) in March 2014. His wife of 13yrs. July 2013 passed from a long battle of breast cancer (age 44). We met on line and what made me reach out to him was his profile. He describes himself as a marathoner. I too love to workout. He reached out and we realize we had plenty in common. So he ask me out on a first date. When we met at the restaurant, I notice a red flag wright away. He was still wearing his wedding ring. My gut instinct, I wanted to run. Although I was disappointed, I sucked it up and decided to make the most of the night. At the time he seemed very uncomfortable. His a tall guy but kept slouching and hiding his hands under the table. Needless to say our conversation was awkward. He complemented my looks and for the most part our conversation felt forced. Further more, he confirmed my thoughts, I was the first girl he has dated (another red flag/rebound) since his wife passed. Then he asked me what I thought of our date, I was honest and told him he was not ready and I pointed at his ring. The dinner didn’t take long, but during the night I notice he removed his ring. This made me feel guilty. He continued by telling me he was ready to move forward and although he admitted he was still in morning, he has excepted his life as it is.

On the way home he text me asking for another date. I had no interest and fell asleep. The next morning he called me and asked me again. I declined. Somehow that night we talked on the phone for 4hrs. He admitted our first date was a disaster and apologize. He persuaded me to give him another chance. Since we had good chemistry on the phone, i gave in thinking it wouldn’t hurt. Fast forward, we were intimate. Again chemistry was awesome. But I couldn’t believe I slept with someone before we could even get to know each other better and be in a relationship.

During the months we dated he made plans to see me three times a week. For the most part, we never went anywhere except twice to dinner and twice to the movies. He said he didn’t like crowds. So I excepted his excuse with my sacrifice by thinking his showing his gratitude by cooking me dinner and making my lunch for work the next day. Yes, I gave my time, my body, and regardless how tired and how late it was, I would drive to his house at any cost. At times I would ask him how he felt about us. He always had the same answer. He would remind me he does not want to commit because he is still excepting his wife is gone and told me to keep my options open. Therefore, he never introduce me to anyone in his life, not even his friends, and his family didn’t even know he was dating. But I was determined that if I was patient enough he will see I’m a prize and he will commit. I was also miserable. I cried a lot, I was always anxious, I became needy, insecure, and worst, I didn’t even recognize myself.

Finally I discovered ANM. There were plenty of advise I couldn’t ignore and I related to many life stories Subrina experienced. Your website opened my eyes. After 4months of dating I came to realize “his not that into me”. I decided to end it. Surprisingly, I’m doing better then I thought. It’s only been two days, but I continue to read ANM and it helps me to recognize my self worth. And at the end of the day, “his just another guy”. Wish me strength and luck:-)

Thank you Subrina and Eric.

Catt

Reply July 2, 2014, 1:59 am

Mela

Where does sex tie into all this? I feel like he stops putting in effort after this….

Reply June 30, 2014, 1:02 pm

Eric Charles

I mean essentially, when it comes to sex, guys want a woman who is genuinely in the moment with them and thoroughly enjoying herself.

Thing is, most guys are terrible in bed and therefore some more intervention might be needed to improve the situation from his side… but that’s a totally different topic beyond the scope of this article. Good question though…

Reply June 30, 2014, 2:54 pm

Mela

What I take away from this is, it doesn’t matter when you become sexually involved. All that matters is if there is an unforced connection on both sides. Making him wait or work for it doesn’t make the least bit of difference?

Reply June 30, 2014, 3:21 pm

Eric Charles

Yup – you nailed it. It’s all about compatibility and quality of connection.

Some of the happiest couples I know (I’m talking *profoundly* happy) slept together on the first date. The whole idea of “holding out” is fundamentally flawed, inaccurate and destructive… fortunately, you get what I was doing my best to get across…

Reply June 30, 2014, 4:15 pm

Mela

Light bulb* Oh geez I been going about things the completely wrong way….Thank You Eric you are great!

June 30, 2014, 5:20 pm

Eric Charles

Haha yeah, you’re welcome — sometimes I feel like I am one big mop for the messes all the other so-called “experts” make for people. It really is amazing what some people put out there and claim is “good advice” for relationships…

June 30, 2014, 5:24 pm

Al

Oh my Lord, is it okay for you to say this stuff publicly without being considered a man traitor? LOL. Thank you SO SO much! I will use these 3 principles you’ve laid out responsibly. This really explains so much, and I am very humbled by what I’ve learned.

Reply June 29, 2014, 11:41 pm

Eric Charles

Honestly, guys want women to know this stuff. Guys just want to feel good in their relationship and the more you understand about men, the more easily that happens (and the more easily they can make sure they’re keeping you happy too). It’s a win-win.

Reply June 30, 2014, 2:52 pm

Annie

Hey Eric,

I have a question, so I have a boyfriend and he is very open with his feelings. He has been through a lot through out his life that has caused him to be very distant and emotionless. The problem is I am the complete opposite. How do I handle this type of difference?

Reply June 25, 2014, 4:24 pm

Jacy

Hi Eric..
I want to thank you so much for all your articles and advises…Infact I’m happily in a relationship with the Love of my life… I will continue to hid and apply all d relationship steps u have mapped out…. much love!!

Reply June 23, 2014, 6:47 pm

Sexy lady

i have been married for a year. All my husband wants to do is play online games. He doesnt show interest in sex, he rather masturbate. We recently had a baby but i havent gotten a mark or have i gained weight. what could be the issue why he is not interested in sex?

Reply June 18, 2014, 5:55 pm

Christina

Your article was very informative I will try your advice wish me well I like this guy.

Reply June 14, 2014, 9:22 pm

penny

Nice article! I ‘ve been learning a lot from your articles on understanding guys m0re especially in love thing!! i ‘ ll be keeping all of this tips in mind for my future sweetheart!????

Reply June 13, 2014, 9:17 pm

penny

Nice article! I ‘ve been learning a lot from your articles on understanding guys m0re especially in love thing!! i ‘ ll be keeping all of this tips in mind for my future sweetheart!????

Reply June 13, 2014, 9:14 pm

doretha

From my score it said he’s very interested in me but in a conversation I had with him long story short, he said he was going to the market to buy somethings what do I want, I said grits, bacon, pork chops, ect.lol, he said a man has to take care of his house that he’s not going to spoil me, I sad what does that mean you ask me what I want from the store I said do you still want to date or do you want a casual thing or is this going anywhere i said if its casual i cant continual this he said he want a lot of things I sad that’s not telling what I ask you so I hung up and text him i said we’er cool good by , he text back what that suppose to mean, he called back i did not answer. but yet he said in my ear one night that he wanted me to move in with him. I can’t move in it’ s only been 3 months, anyways this happened yesterday around 3:00 in the even,I haven’t called him and he haven’t called me, I care about him a lot but don’t know if he want what I want ,to move things forward, should I just move on or just wait to hear from him. PS. Give me a reply. Thanks.

Reply June 12, 2014, 12:43 am

juri

hi eric how could you let the guy know hes winning? ive been seeing a guy for about 3 months. i really like him but since he we are not serious im seeing other guys too, but if i knew he wanted me for sure id drop the other guys. im obviously not telling him about the other guys im dating. when i make plans with the other guys he always asks who am i hanging out with. im very vague and say a friend. hes told me his friends said i was hot (the two i met anyway only because they dropped by his house unexpectedly) his friends had no idea who i was before that, so they both asked him to “hook them up” with me. this guy is really sweet but i dont think any of his friends (besides those two) or family know i exist. i dont need to meet them its still kinda soon but it would be nice to know he talks about me. the second and last time i saw his friends one of them told my guy is really into me. I met this guy at his job (i asked him out b/c he made it pretty obvious he liked me) and his male co workers were practically droooling over me. so he “won” me but maybe hes not that interested in winning. im getting ready to walk because i feel like hes not that into me for many reasons i havnt listed but he is always so sweet and loving when we are together and compliments me non stop in person or on the phone and we get along really well. i make him laugh a lot. before i decide to let him go for good should i tell him about the other guys im dating so maybe he will see hes losing me to one of them? two of these guys cannot do enough to show me they want me. i just feel if this other guy isnt stepping up to the plate its time for me give these other guys a fair shot. because up until now even though im dating others ive focused on my 3 month crush.but is that what i should do to make him realize he is “winning” and hope he fears losing me enough to straighten up his act?

Reply June 11, 2014, 6:40 pm

juri

well how could you let the guy know hes winning? ive been seeing a guy for about 3 months. i really like him but since he we are not serious im seeing other guys too, but if i knew he wanted me for sure id drop the other guys. im obviously not telling him about the other guys im dating. when i make plans with the other guys he always asks who am i hanging out with. im very vague and say a friend. hes told me his friends said i was hot (the two i met anyway only because they dropped by his house unexpectedly) his friends had no idea who i was before that, so they both asked him to “hook them up” with me. this guy is really sweet but i dont think any of his friends (besides those two) or family know i exist. i dont need to meet them its still kinda soon but it would be nice to know he talks about me. the second and last time i saw his friends one of them told my guy is really into me. I met this guy at his job (i asked him out b/c he made it pretty obvious he liked me) and his male co workers were practically droooling over me. so he “won” me but maybe hes not that interested in winning. im getting ready to walk because i feel like hes not that into me for many reasons i havnt listed but he is always so sweet and loving when we are together and compliments me non stop in person or on the phone and we get along really well. i make him laugh a lot. before i decide to let him go for good should i tell him about the other guys im dating so maybe he will see hes losing me to one of them? two of these guys cannot do enough to show me they want me. i just feel if this other guy isnt stepping up to the plate its time for me give these other guys a fair shot. because up until now even though im dating others ive focused on my 3 month crush.but is that what i should do to make him realize he is “winning” and hope he fears losing me enough to straighten up his act?

Reply June 11, 2014, 6:38 pm

Mania Roumelioti

It was really helpful all this…..
I’m in a new relationship with someone and when we met for the first time, everything that I’ve read about was completely right….
Men surely want to consider their woman as a prize and always be proud they’ve conquered her…..and many more……
Thanks for the help, it was really helpful!!
Mania

Reply June 8, 2014, 12:20 pm

LM

A man does not deserve love or putting any sort of effort towards him. Ladies use all of your engery into pampering yourselves and let men beg like a dog. Give a smile here and there but live your life letting them BEG..A man is worth nothing

Reply June 5, 2014, 10:16 pm

Eric Charles

Why did you even bother writing this? It doesn’t help anyone, it’s just you making a bitter remark.

Reply June 6, 2014, 8:07 am

LM

It’s the Truth..If it was so bitter then you wouldn’t have responded. You know it’s the truth and therefore it hurts. So many women pour themselves into a man and it’s a waste of time. Always seeking to make things better, meanwhile the man is on the block or at the job chatting up/flirting with other women..So why seek to make things good with a man? Women need to seek treating themselves better, because men don’t give a flying crap.

Reply June 6, 2014, 11:21 am

Eric Charles

It’s true *some* guys (not the majority) can be extremely crappy in a relationship. It’s also true *some* women (not the majority) can be extremely crappy in a relationship.

You know that it’s not all men or all relationships. And where is your sense of personal responsibility? If you’re choosing to be in a bad relationship, there’s usually tons of red flags letting you know that it’s a bad match and a bad relationship. If you think you can force that to work, that’s as much your fault for trying to force it with a bad match as it is his “fault” for being crappy in the relationship with you.

There’s no reason someone else should have to pay or “beg” just because you got hurt in the past or made decisions you regret. Everyone has been hurt. Everyone has regrets. I’m including myself in that.

I don’t punish other people for my mistakes… or blame them… or place fault on them. You don’t *have* to be in a relationship. Nobody is forcing you to be.

If you choose to be in one, though, doesn’t it makes sense that you approach it in a way that’s effective and will lead to both you and the guy you’re with being incredibly happy together? Doesn’t it just make sense to approach things like that… versus having an adversarial mind set before even starting with a guy?

The majority of men are good. The majority of women are good too.

However, in the same way the news only fixates on the very worst of the worst in the world, you can’t expect to be happy or successful if you take on a negative, combative attitude towards men and simultaneously want relationship success.

Yup, there are some guys that are complete a-holes. And there are some women like that too. They’re not the majority and if you ignore those people, you’ll be much happier and more successful. That’s all.

Reply June 6, 2014, 4:28 pm

LM

Your story is too long. I didn’t even bother to start reading it, except for the part which says ‘That’s all.’

June 6, 2014, 10:52 pm

June

Hello Eric. I’m from Singapore and I chanced upon this website a month ago. I read your daily email articles on my phone every morning in bed just after waking up. Anewmode’s articles never fail to start my day on a positive note with your valuable insight. I can’t describe how much my attitude towards relationships have changed. I don’t care what people think. I thank you and Sabrina from the bottom of my heart.

July 7, 2014, 11:07 am

rhey

thanks charles u gave mi a whole new way of seeing things..kinda feels like i have matured a bit mo..
oh there is this guy we’v been friends with benefits i recently told him i want out n her told me that he was actually planning on courting me what should i do

Reply June 3, 2014, 3:12 pm

himshweta

it was good :) thankyou : )

Reply June 1, 2014, 11:17 am

joey

Hi eric,
Was just wondering if an agemate relationship lead to something fruitful and longterm or if they ever really work?

Reply May 31, 2014, 5:19 am

Virginia

Hi Eric, first off, this article is one of the most profound and informative I have read in a long time about the topic of relationships and what man want. I started reading skeptical thinking it was just going to end without really saying anything and trying to sell me some ebook.

Now, I really can get the part that says if you know why a man likes whay he likes you will know more about him. It’s like, if a man tries to find out why I like fashion and pretty makeup, he would understand that I am a creative original person that likes to impress and feel appreciated by other people. So, right there this article is golden.

Now, to answer to lady IM here, I read in Man are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by John Gray, he says in one of the chapters that women do tend to make the mistake of ask a lot of questions to the guy they are on a date with waiting for him to ask her back about her in return. But that it actually does not work like that with men. They will most likely not ask you back, but instead they will just keep talking about themselves.

Here’s why: in the world of women, when we talk we say something, wait for a response and then let the other woman take her turn and start talking. It’s a give and take kind of thing. We as women know that the way of showing interest in what the other person is saying is by asking questions and encourage the other person to talk.

Now, with men, says Mr. Gray, the story is different. They think that if you keep asking them questions about them, that you are actually very satiesfied with the way things are going and they don’t bother asking about you. So, what he recommends is that women have to be a little selfish in this respect. I explain.

Instead of hearing talk the whole night about himself, asking him questions and waiting for him to show any interest in you, YOU have to take the lead and start talking about yourself without waiting for him to ask you first. I mean, let him know that you have something to say and that you actually believe that you are an interesting person with something to say. And that way he will show far more interest and pay more attention than if you were just asking about him and his life.

Reply May 28, 2014, 12:19 am

Virginia

Sorry for my lousy use of the comma!

Reply May 28, 2014, 12:22 am

Katie

I think everything you said is spot on! I also think men and women have more in common than people think. Made me feel better reading your article an comments x

Reply May 26, 2014, 12:14 pm

Buttercup

Does the concept of “having market value” still apply to someone whom you already had a brief relationship with and he wanted out? Do guys actually bother with their ex’s perceived market value? Does it affect in any way of him initiating contact?

Reply May 21, 2014, 8:35 pm

Eric Charles

Market value is a guy’s perceived demand for you from other men.

So sure, it applies, but like… if you had a brief something with a guy and it ended, I have to wonder if you’re still fixated on him at some level… that fixation is going to shoot you in the foot if you want to move anything in a positive direction, so I would dump that fixation. Give up on it. Erase it. Drop it.

Read my comment to Julia a few comments down — I think that will help you a ton. Hope it does. :)

Reply May 22, 2014, 9:17 am

Ellie

Thank you!
Everything you said clenches my thoughts, etc.
the very best advise I know and foremost is this – Love yourself – be positive – Give – Put your mate FIRST – Be tender and loving —ALWAYS
I recently met someone and we’ve seen each other practically every day since 4-9-14.
We’ve planned a trip to Florida (meeting parents in Tampa and Miami)
Very happy…thank you for the advise and the tips

Reply May 21, 2014, 4:53 pm

Julia

Just curious as to how do I increase my market value. Maybe I am not completely understanding the concept. Thanks,

Reply May 21, 2014, 2:32 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Julia,

The easiest way to think about it is that your market value is how much other men would want to snap you up as their girlfriend is you suddenly became available on the dating market.

Obviously surface level stuff like taking care of yourself, hair, makeup, etc. will only help get attention from guys and make an impression that heightens your presence and impact. You’ve only heard 1,269,471 times that men are visual creatures, I don’t have to repeat that…

I will add to the whole “men are visual creatures” thing though… men like all different types of looks, sizes, shapes… so when I mention it, all I’m saying is be your best version physically by taking care of yourself and know that your best self is also the idea of perfections for some guys.

No woman, no matter how fit or beautiful is EVERY man’s cup of tea. It’s about only focusing on the men that respond to you and not caring at all about the ones that don’t.

Beyond surface stuff, here is the most important factor in attracting men (and this is the powerful kind of attraction that makes a man want to be around you, stay interested in you and want to lock you down as his girlfriend/wife/partner…):

It’s your mood.

Make your mood your #1 priority at all times (not just when you’re around others but even in the privacy of your own mind when you’re by yourself).

Being HAPPY and COMFORTABLE is an irresistible energy to everyone, especially men. Only you can decide to choose to make being happy and comfortable your top priority. Only you can choose to make your mood the most important aspect of your life (and put everything else *after* your mood)…

When you are happy and comfortable, you’ll attract everyone. Everyone will want to be around you and they’ll want more and more of you. They won’t know exactly why, but they’ll know they feel better when they’re around you.

In terms of market value, this will mean that men will constantly want to be around you… therefore, much higher market value.

Best part is that you don’t have to do anything… you’re not playing games, you’re not delivering threats/ultimatums and you’re choosing a path that feels good for everyone involved. It’s an all around win.

Reply May 22, 2014, 9:13 am

ceryl

eric this has really opened me…buh i hav this question….i’ve had this guy…he just neva committd himself to treating me lyk a lady…when i suggestd of outings he always found an excuse….n whenever i tried to walk away he always did his best to have me bak….can u really tell me what was really happening

Reply May 21, 2014, 10:50 am

Clair

Hey Eric, you talk about the ‘the woman who he feels is a prize that he won’. I’ve been seeing a guy and at first this was certainly the case, I was the prize and he would do anything to win me but something changed. It now feels as though he is the prize and I don’t quite know how to change that.

He texts me when I text him and when I suggest hanging out he wants to but it feels as though we’re slipping in to a friendship. There were grand promises of dates and taking me away but instead we sit and watch movies together…

I just want to know how I become the prize again?? Is it possible or have I missed that boat…

Reply May 16, 2014, 5:11 pm

Eric Charles

If I were to boil it down to one sentence:

Stop settling for what you don’t want.

And just to clarify, so that’s not interpreted in a negative way:

Inspire what you want by making doing what you want feel really, really good…

When you’re in a great mood, right in the moment, that automatically feels great to a guy and is incredibly attractive.

Seduce him into stepping up by making what you want feel amazing to him too — everyone wins.

Read and re-read this comment, like, 50 times. Contemplate it. And then you’ll have your answer — not an answer on the page, but the kind of answer that you know on the inside… (and that’s the most important kind of answer)

Hope that helps.

Reply May 16, 2014, 5:34 pm

Clair

So, I read and re-read this and came up with a conclusion relivant to my situation. Unfortunately I saw the guy in question with someone else last night. In a city as big as this and the distance we live away from each other, it’s crazy that we would be in the same place at the same time. This is the last time I will cry about this.

I’m already trying to make up excuses, ‘Oh she’s probably just a friend’ and ‘I didn’t properly see him, maybe it wasn’t him’ It was him, I haven’t spoken to him since he stood me up, it was another girl. While I struggle with my self to stop asking what I did wrong I just wanted to thank you for your time and advice. Your articles are helping me realise my self worth.

Reply June 7, 2014, 6:42 pm

M

“he needs to feel like you’re a woman who’s choosing to be with him every day because he’s the best and that he’s winning you” – can you give more detail on this, what are some specific ways to do that?

Reply May 14, 2014, 11:50 pm

Maddie

I have studied psychology and human behavior for years, and most of your conclusions are in line with my findings. However, I have one bone to pick. While you are accurate in suggesting that men love it when we ask them questions about their passions and interests, as a woman, I find it highly annoying when I spend time delving into every topic he finds remotely interesting, but he does not reciprocate. Everyone likes to have someone take an interest in them; that is not reserved specifically for males. So I would suggest that if men want women to take an interest in them (because it will ultimately result in the men being happier with their ladies), that perhaps they try being interested back! It’s beyond offensive when I take the time to learn everything there is to know about airsoft tournaments (for his sake), and in turn, he can’t remember my sister’s name, or if I actually even have a sister. Come on! You get what you give. I try very hard not to be jaded and snarky, but if the guy can’t muster up some interest in my passions (which are NOT girly douchebaggish passions, for the record) then I can’t find it in me to give a rat’s ass about his. What say you, Eric? Any advice on what it takes to get a man to give any shits about a woman’s interests?? lol

Reply May 8, 2014, 3:15 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Maddie,

I get where you’re coming from, but my question to you would be: Why are you choosing him then?

Why are you choosing that guy if he’s not genuinely interested in you and what you’re about?

What you’ve illustrated is that you want him to act a certain way towards you and you resent it.

If this is a guy you’re with and you love him, then… love him. Focus on what you love about it…

Don’t get mad at your dog for being the way that your dog is… don’t get mad at your guy for being the way your guy is.

That is IF he’s the man you love and you’ve committed to long term.

If you haven’t committed long term to him… why are you trying to force the situation with someone who doesn’t fit with you in a way that naturally and effortlessly feels happy?

This is not quid pro quo… this is “give what you would give freely because you feel good giving it… not to get something in return.”

So if you’re thinking in terms of quid pro quo, you’re on the wrong page… things can be a lot easier when you start thinking in terms of choosing a man who you just genuinely enjoy simply because he’s exactly how he is and he fits you so well. That’s compatibility.

In terms of when I talk about a man loving a woman’s interest, I’m talking about that because that’s something a woman can choose to do. She has control over it.

She can’t control another person, which is why I don’t talk about what a guy “should” be doing — what good would that do other than stir up resentment and blaming? It accomplishes nothing, since really it doesn’t matter how much someone wants something… or wishes for something… or hates something… one person’s negative emotions will not bring about the positive change they want in the relationship.

However, introducing new and varied positive energy in the relationship can work miracles…

So if you don’t like the guy you’re with… or how he acts… or what he does… you don’t have to choose him anymore. You don’t *have* to choose anyone. You don’t *have* to be in a relationship.

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone, choose the path that feels happy to you and doesn’t buy into the illusions that you need the other person to do a certain thing, act a certain way or be a certain way in order for YOU to be happy.

You need to bring happiness to your life – every thought, every action, every relationship. You bring it – you don’t extract it from situations and circumstances.

That’s why I focus on what you can bring to the table because the greatest value that anyone (man or woman) brings to a relationship is the vibe/energy they bring into it. That gives you power and people with power get to choose what they want (instead of having to put up with what they don’t want).

Make sense?

Reply May 8, 2014, 5:29 pm

lm

It makes sense IF she’s talking about a man she’s in long-term relationship with … which is an assumption I think you’ve made where that’s not necessarily a fact that exists.

I, for one, have been on countless first dates with men who do what Mattie describes. They walk away, and say to mutual friends “She’s such a great listener!” while not knowing anything more about me than before the 2-3 hours I’ve spent listening to them talk about their lives.

” You don’t *have* to be in a relationship.”

Yeah, this is … it’s a true statement in isolation.

However, I think it’s unfair to put it out there like single women aren’t beat up relentlessly and made by the entirety of society to feel like they’re worth nothing if they’re not “in relationship”.

After all, that’s why so many “dating & relationship experts” have jobs.

Reply May 8, 2014, 6:06 pm

Eric Charles

The fact still stands:

- You don’t have be in a relationship
- You don’t have to force a relationship to work – if you have to force it, you’re probably not compatible on a core level

So you’ve been on countless dates with guys where you just sat there, listening to them while silently resenting them… and that’s the guy’s fault? And somehow society is also to blame in this discussion?

I’m not saying that your points don’t have basis, but they’re also all irrelevant. It’s really simple:

- Choose someone who’s compatible.
- You are in control of who you choose.
- You are responsible for your emotions and choices.
- You do not have to be in a relationship.
- Blaming guys or society at large doesn’t help anyone.

I’m not trying to brush you off or attack you – I’m not making a statement against you personally. But you’re better than this – I’m not going to indulge a line of thought that doesn’t help you and neither should you.

That line of thought doesn’t make you happy… or feel good… or inspire you… or lead anywhere good. It doesn’t solve anything, it doesn’t help anyone and it doesn’t attract people to you.

So what good is that line of thinking. Granted, half of me thinks you’re going to just turn around and argue with what I wrote here, but if you do… what are you arguing for? What are you trying to defend?

You’re better off just dropping that line of thinking – spend time with people you feel good around. Drop those you don’t feel good around.

I’m being a bit direct and blunt here, but I am trying to be helpful.

Reply May 8, 2014, 10:20 pm

lm

“I’m not saying that your points don’t have basis
I’m not trying to brush you off or attack you
I’m not making a statement against you personally”

You are in fact doing all these things, but that doesn’t detract from the points I was making.

“ And somehow society is also to blame in this discussion?”

I’d prefer it if you didn’t try to conflate two separate concepts. It’s sloppy rhetoric, and its use doesn’t make you look smart.

Society is to blame for making pariahs out of women if they are single. Women do desperate things to get and stay in relationships in order to escape the pain of that kind of treatment.

If society did less treating of women like they were pariahs because they are single, women would in all likelihood not do as many desperate things to get and stay in relationship — which is, in fact, one of the things dating & relationship “coaches” & “experts” chide women about (not doing “desperate things” to get & stay in relationship).

You’re doing it here yourself – you’re chiding both Mattie & myself saying “Don’t behave like a desperate person!” – which is all well and good, until one takes a look at the fact that you’re trying to do it in a vacuum, by doing it but refusing to address the societal treatment of women that *causes* them – us – to behave in those ways.

“listening to them while silently resenting them… and that’s the guy’s fault?”

It is the guy’s fault if he’s rude, yes. It is the guy’s fault if he is going on and on about himself and not having the manners to not ask a woman anything about herself, yes.

(And nobody said I was silently resenting them either. You weren’t at any of those dates; you wouldn’t know. )

But let’s not dwell on your mischaracterizations of how things went on any of those dates. Let’s move on to the main point.

Let’s do a little math.

Let’s say that – as so many men are fond of complaining about – 100% of the women go after 20% of the men.

If all of the women, let’s say, on your board, are looking for the men – that vaunted 20% – who are socialized to ask questions of women, when they go on dates, and be considerate of our feelings, it follows just from the application of simple math that there will then be 80% of women left without men.

How is it at all more helpful to all those women to say “Go after that same 20%” – to, as you put it, “spend time around only those who make you feel good” , if it’s only that 20% of men who have those skills – than it would be to instead turn to that other 80% of men and say “Hey, guys – maybe you can do things differently next time” …?

(Because anybody who has been doing this dating thing knows – and anybody who is *coaching/expert-ing* about this dating thing *should* know – that men don’t listen to other women about these things; the only people they listen to concerning these topics are other men.)

“Granted, half of me thinks you’re going to just turn around and argue with what I wrote here”

Was that supposed to be some sort of a “neg”?

“I am trying to be helpful”

Other than an aside on how patronizing (and simplistic) that sounds after all your attacks – because that is in fact what they were – I have no other comment on that.

May 8, 2014, 11:04 pm

Eric Charles

Lol… I’m done with this conversation. You’re here to argue. I’m not.

You don’t like my stuff? I’m fine with that… good luck.

May 9, 2014, 12:32 am

Anais

If I may chime in, I don’t think it’s the guy’s “fault” if he never asks the woman a question. Nor is it a woman’s “fault” that she went on the date with the guy. Only person who would be at fault is a woman who likes men who also ask questions , yet chooses to continuously goes on dates with the same guy who never asks her anything about herself. I would see a man like that as a red flag– he’s either too self centered or just seeking validation from me.

I’ve encountered men like this online. I ask them connection oriented questions about themselves. They answer those but as for talking about me, all they can do is reply with how they think I’m hot and never going beyond that. So you know what I do after I see this pattern in a few exchanges? I stopped chatting with those men, since as I have experienced that men who are interested in getting to know me ask questions in addition to the flirty comments. Men show certain character traits like this really early on so to continue and expect him to suddenly change isn’t a winning battle. Makes more sense to get out of there.

You don’t go out there “giving to get” per se but reciprocity is just a basic concept. I understand you feel you’re worthy of a man also giving value back to you after a certain point. So I do think to keep on talking to a guy who never asks any questions in return is foolish and at that point, you stop giving any of your time.

Reply May 12, 2014, 4:08 pm

anxious

You are truly a God!! I love your advise and instructions! I am so much more knowledgeable! Muah! Thanks so much

Reply May 7, 2014, 8:05 pm

andrea

This is really awesome to know!!! Thank you Eric really helps a lot! Would like to ask about sex… what happends if he doesn’t want it? We live together for more than 4 months and after the 1st month he wanted sex like twice a month … What happened to him? He says he loves me extremely much, he doesn’t want other women anymore just me,cause I’m the best women he could ever met, tells me he loves me 10 times a day,he’s affectionate but no sex … :( I try not to ask him anymore because when i try to talk ab it it annoys him and tells me that I only see the glass half empty , I don’t see other things he does for me …. but c’mon, for me this is important, and it was for him too at the beginning…. I really don’t understand this ‘you’re the love of my life’ but no sex theory! What could I do? I am really thinking about leaving or try to continue and make it better if it is possible ….. Thank you Eric!

Reply May 5, 2014, 6:46 am

libby

Some men have a different view on love and sex… in fact, some men consider them mutually exclusive. In extreme cases, the emotional intimacy of love makes the act of sex more difficult because they don’t equate primal, lusty passion with love. Freud called the extreme cases of this the Madonna – whore complex. Not that your guy is extreme but maybe this perspective will help you decide to appreciate his love and work on it… or leave because you want something different. I had an extreme husband and we couldn’t make it work even though we still love each other.

Reply May 14, 2014, 9:14 am

sarah

Hello Eric,
I just read a few of your articles and most of them
I understand. This one however was a bit more
Of a challenge for me.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over two months and he has just started including me
In the things he likes and introducing me to his friends and a couple of his family members. The thing that confuses me is the market value aspect. I don’t wear makeup much but he still loves the way I look without it. It is actually when I don’t get all dressed up that he calls me his “beautiful girl”. I am also a ballet dancer so the way i carry myself according to him is with great poise grace and strength. He watched me from across the dance floor for months while I was in a bad relationship with someone else. When he found out I was single he presented himself as wanting to be a friend for me because he new I was sad. We talked for a couple weeks before he kissed me for the first time but during those weeks we both realized how much we enjoyed just being with one another. cuddling on the couch together was our main priority and still remains so. He has begun to slowly bring me into his world. Within the last week he has invited me to several outings with his friends however I had prior engagements that I couldn’t back out of so I could join him. He keeps trying though we just made plans today for the weekend. So how does market value git in to his perception of me?

Reply April 30, 2014, 12:18 am

angel

Hi Eric thank you for that wonderful article..well i have being in a relationship for 3years now,my bf loves me but he does not tell me i love u after the call,is a must that he tells me always cos am feeling as if he don’t love me if he don’t tell me…hope to hear from you soon.thank you for all your emails.

Reply April 28, 2014, 7:41 am

Kelly

Hi Eric,

If I never had to read another dating/relationships article after this I’d be happy. This is the most clear cut advice i’ve ever read and i’ve been over my head obsessed with dating articles for close to 8 years now. The thing that’s funny about reading this right now is I am in a situation where we started as friends (still are I just now have developed feelings) and I was naturally curious about his life and wasn’t over thinking anything by asking him questions b/c I never figured we would date. So this article I think would have helped me ALOT even if i were already head over heels for someone. Thanks again!

Reply April 25, 2014, 4:00 pm

Eric Charles

Oh awesome – I am glad to hear it and I really appreciate it.

Are you friends with me on Facebook? I’ve been posting a bunco f stuff on this subject over the past week that I think you’d really like… it takes the ideas here much further and I think you’d find it really unique and helpful.

Reply April 25, 2014, 6:35 pm

Destiny

Thanks Eric! You gave me a lot to think about. There’s this guy I fancy but he’s nine years older than me and me being 20…it’s like the rules in a game, you just accept that those are the rules you’re playing by and don’t question them cause it just is. The appearance and market value is just another rule (for lack of a better word) that you just accept no question and you’re life will be smoother because of it. Do you have any advice for an age gap of 9 years when you’re in the young phase, I know there’s the hurdles that he’s (if he’s the older) already overcome and he’s busy creating his life. Is there anyway to bridge that gap when you’re young? Just focus on growing yourself and if you attract him in the meantime it’s a bonus?
Thanks so much!!

Reply April 17, 2014, 12:21 am

Christine

This guy I have gone out with twice so far (I really like him, have for a while). One day he tells me I had on his favorite pair of jeans (found out he’s an ass man lol). Then to tell me he has trouble concentrating when I wore yoga pants. This made me grin all day long! Then, when making plans for a 2nd date, he said he loves a woman in black yoga pants, which I wore. It was a casual date. This would be part of the “how a woman looks” side right? Not to mention, when he kisses me, I feel like I have a million butterflies loose in my chest, and this feeling is EVERY time we kiss. Then I have trouble getting to sleep because he pops into my head when I least expect it. I have NEVER felt like that ever, not even with my ex husband. We have not had sex (healing yet from surgery) but we did sleep together, and felt so at peace in his arms. Can you explain some of this? Is this normal? To help me sleep, I have found that writing what’s on my mind before bed works. I know he loves football, he’s a steelers fan, likes hanging out relaxing, fishing, he knows I like the wolverines, and camping and stuff. I also know hes more talkative in person than texting, so I keep things short when texting. Why does this man make me feel the way I do, and does he feel the same way? Advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you Eric :)

Reply April 16, 2014, 2:00 pm

Rusty

Hi Eric,
Great article. I agree with everything you’ve said. I’m in a long distance relationship with a guy (5 weeks now) who has children with another woman he is no longer interested in. However, because of the children he is reluctant to get closer to me emotionally, Do guys do that? Stay in relationships for the children’s sake? I thought only girls did that?

Reply April 8, 2014, 7:35 pm

Tom

You sound like you need to review some basics.

1. A man who will cheat for you will also cheat YOU.

Reply May 14, 2014, 5:59 pm

Paulette

You know you sound just like my boyfriend lol by reading your articles and listening to him I can make more sense of things thank you

Reply April 4, 2014, 2:13 am

Gem

Eric, does the guy’s opinion change if a girl continues to support him when he feels like a loser though? I have a guy friend and we have expressed mutual interest, we have talked numerous times about going out, and sometimes physical stuff happens, (but only sometimes, and we talk about that too, if it’s better to remove that from the equation and really just be friends). However, he isn’t ready to date me for a number of reasons that involve his place in life at the moment and his past relationships. Basically, he values our connection and doesn’t want to end up being an a-hole to me because he is trying to commit to something he doesn’t really want to commit to right now. I understand and agree that trying to force it will not do any potential relationship any good and we both acknowledge that if nothing more comes of it it our friendship is most important. He also knows I’m not waiting around for him, he can take the time he needs to sort himself out and I may or may not be available when and if he wants to give it a try.

We were talking one day though and he mentioned feeling like a loser, he is living at home at the moment and only recently got his license back (suspended over something dumb, not a DUI), and that he wouldn’t think very highly of someone who wanted to date him at the moment. I told him yes, that I wouldn’t normally be thrilled to be dating a guy that lives at home, but if I met someone I would look at why. Is it a temporary situation, like they are helping a sick parent, or do they just have no desire to move out, and evaluate things based on their reasons/motivations. In his case, he has credit issues stemming from his ex who he co-signed for on a loan, so he can’t get rental approval. Things have gotten worse for him since then and he recently got laid off so now he’s on the job market too. My question is this, I can understand him not feeling worthy of a new relationship but what about if a man is already involved with the person. Do they then feel differently about the person supporting them when they are a “loser” or “not a good prospect” because of the already established relationship? He is backing off a little bit from wanting to hang out right now and I know part of it is because he can’t afford to spend money taking me out (even though I tell him he doesn’t always have to pay or we can just hang out at my apartment and watch movies) and we aren’t in a relationship so it frustrates me, because I want to help him get back on track, I just went through a layoff a year ago myself, but I get him needing space. He says he wants my help but he isn’t really letting me give it to him. I’m just wondering if it would be different if we were officially together, would he let me help him more. I know you’re not him, so you can’t say for sure, but what about from your own experience?

Reply April 3, 2014, 1:02 am

Helen

I have subscribed to several dating newsletters and purchased several systems. But they have all been frustrating until I found yours. You give the details without asking for us to purchase another program.

Thank you so much. Please include things that those of us over 50 can use. There are lots of us out there and over 50 dating has many challenges.

Reply April 2, 2014, 10:23 am

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot for the comment and compliment. That means a lot to me.

I will keep your request in mind and see what I can bring to the website on dating over 50… I know you’re not the only one looking for that kind of material.

Reply April 2, 2014, 10:59 am

Kathy

I second that, Eric! I, too, am over 50… in fact, am just over 60, and I’d appreciate some more info specifically for the older crowd. I, too, have found a lot of good and helpful information in your program, but some of it is just not a good fit for my age bracket. ( Btw, I look pretty good for my age; I’m fit and trim and dress nicely. Most people think I look younger than my actual age, but I’m not a kid anymore!)

Reply May 12, 2014, 4:51 pm

Amy

I have a question, I dated this guy once and he said he really enjoyed it and would like to do it again. And he texted me straight after we met and said thanks for the night and hopefully can do it again. but when i texted him a day after, he just didn’t seem that interested in meeting up as he usually reply straight away but now it takes him a lot longer to reply, but he still said sounds good and what i would like to do.. what have I done wrong? Is he really attracted to me?

Reply March 25, 2014, 4:43 pm

Amy

I agree with you, men want women to understand them and ask questions about things they are interested in.

I have a question, I dated this guy once and he said he really enjoyed it and would like to do it again. And he texted me straight after we met and said thanks for the night and hopefully can do it again. but when i texted him a day after, he just didn’t seem that interested in meeting up as he usually reply straight away but now it takes him a lot longer to reply, but he still said sounds good and what i would like to do.. what have I done wrong? Is he really attracted to me?

Reply March 25, 2014, 4:41 pm

Myckie McCauley

You did an excellent job with clarifying and writing this in a way so people can understand. It was so helpful. I don’t have too many questions but I do have a boyfriend who I know in my heart that he’s the best guy for me. The things that you focused on in the article really directed me to what i should do & say next when I’m with my man. Because you answered all my questions it encouraged me that my relationship will only get better. And guys are more simple than I thought, no matter what I know Im the girl that is meant to be with him forever- Thanks to what you accurately confirmed about men in these articles. Thank you for tht.

Reply March 22, 2014, 9:32 pm

miss N.P

Well done! It s refreshing to see someone be honestly open and sharing? A lot of courage you have. What are the reasons ? Just wondering?

Reply March 19, 2014, 3:10 am

Luna

I went to Sydney in January for one month . I met him there. After know each other for about 10-15days. He said he want me to be his gf. And that time I’m leaving soon. I’m Chinese and live in Korea now. When I was in Sydney he treated me very nice . And when I came back here. We keep in touch everyday . Text each other. One thing I can’t understand why he barely call me. He text me but barely call me. Just talk about his work or something with text.Before I leave he said he will come to see me. But nowadays he’s busy at work a lot. Even go for work in weekend. So I said I could go to see him in June . But in July the tickets is too expensive. Yesterday we had a little fight. I misunderstand him and he said something hurt me a lot. So we apologize to eachother and we’re fine now. After that he said maybe it’s better for him to come to Korea better for me to save my money. He said we will make new plans. I send postcard for him each month. Now is third one. Before he said don’t send me anymore. Because it’s makes him feel bad. Because he do nothing for me. Yesterday he just changed . He said if you like you can send:). I don’t know if he said these just because he feel bad and feel guilty for me or he really likes me a lot or love me. We cam sometime. Maybe once a week. I try to ask him to call me sometime but he didn’t . Jus text every day. Now we have been together for 49days. And I said I love you first.
Could you give me some advices ? What should I do?should I step back and just wait him come to see me??
Can’t wait for you answers . Thank you!!

Reply March 16, 2014, 10:45 pm

Luke

Lots of great advice, but the last bit about always needing to “win” the woman kind of goes a bit off track for me, in a sense I agree, I want the lady who’s high value, but there’s a risk of it turning into princess syndrome isn’t it? Men don’t like women who are conceited and bitchy right? At least I don’t.

I think that last part should be elaborated on because it would be a bit of a mine field for women to intentionally be the “prize” that all men want, and not have an entitlement complex about it.

Reply March 13, 2014, 2:59 am

Eric Charles

Thanks Luke, I appreciate the comment.

Let’s be really clear with what we’re talking about… when it comes to a relationship discussion, it’s important that I make sure I know specifically what the other person is saying…

So when you are talking about risking “princess syndrome”, what precisely are you talking about? Like, what specific instances, situations, behaviors are you saying are at risk of coming about?

I’m not trying to nit-pick here — chances are, what you’re talking being at risk is something that’s different than what I recommend and I want to make that distinction clearly for the readers who follow the comment thread. If we talk about “princess syndrome”, then we’re talking about a closed and undefined concept – if we’re specific about the exact situations, behaviors, etc., then everyone will benefit.

Now, in terms of your following comment, I am completely with you… I dislike conceited and bitchy women… it is an attraction-killer for me. In other articles, you’ll see me talking about how disgusted I am that there are books and advice from so-called experts that suggest that men like bitchy women or “bitches”… so what you’re saying is in line with my viewpoint and I imagine your overall comment agrees with my view too…

“Entitlement complex” is another term that I would say is worth defining in terms of specific behavior, situations, etc. if you want to discuss that. I think a mentality of entitlement is also very self-destructive… so I imagine that our views are in alignment there too, I just think it’s worth showing specifically…

When I talk about being a prize, what I’m essentially saying is for a woman to recognize that she has worth and value to the man she’s attracted to…

There are a lot of women (not all, but a very large portion) of women who very quickly lose sight of the fact that they have inherent value, just by virtue of being a woman and being feminine (bring the feminine energy into the dynamic)…

When a woman believes that she needs to prove her worth or do things to be worth anything, it leads to all sorts of inwardly and outwardly destructive behaviors for her.

At the same time, when a woman has a false sense of worth, entitlement and/or conceit, I think that’s equally destructive to her (but in different ways). It’s actually just the opposite side of the same coin… it all stems out of fear and insecurity, only the women in this case keep men at an arm’s length so they’re never hurt or rejected, whereas the women with no sense of worth are constantly hurting because they feel like they’re already rejected and clawing their way out of that pit of pain…

What I’m really after is helping show the readers a path to realizing that it’s OK to feel OK as they are in the relationship… to assume that they are worthy and worthwhile as oppose to assume that they aren’t.

In terms of human behavior (whether it’s men or women), all off-putting behaviors stem from some sort of fear when you trace it all back to its source.

When people are at a place of being OK in their situation, they cut off these destructive cycles at their source: the fear. Whether that fear makes them inwardly destructive (feeling unworthy and rejected, constantly trying to prove herself) or outwardly destructive (being bitchy, conceited, mean, entitled, etc.) is just a surface level problem… the root of it comes down to her feeling “not OK” with herself and then the off-putting behavior is her reaction to that fear.

Hope that elaboration was helpful to highlight where I’m coming from. Again, thanks for the comment.

Reply March 13, 2014, 2:44 pm

luke

Yeah that clears it right up, she feels worthy of the man she wants as well as the ones she doesn’t want, because of self confidence, but as well as that we’re assuming the guy feels worthy too right? You make a point of saying the guy will do all these nice things for her to keep her around, it almost sounds like HE’S the one acting from a place of fear, but I know that’s not what you meant, I just feel like this part should have come at the start to put more emphasis on the parts where it shows that his actions are coming from a place of love, like with supporting him and making him feel like he can succeed with those things he’s passionate about, not that he’s afraid she’ll run off when something better comes along.

Reply March 14, 2014, 3:48 am

Eric Charles

Yeah, I understand. The article was becoming rather massive when I was writing it and I just needed to limit the scope at a certain point.

While I can’t necessarily depend on this, if the reader checks out other articles I’ve written on the topic, I get this across and put a lot of emphasis on choosing a man who they are compatible with, where there is genuine love and the relationship has two people who have a sense of value/worth.

As a writer on these topics, I could write hundreds of pages… but I have to limit the scope to keep the articles a manageable size… While it might look like I’m just talking about the subject, there’s a fair amount of judgment calls I have to make on what I am going to include and what is going to be too much for any one particular article.

To your point, though, you’re coming from a good place with your question. The thoughts you’re bringing up are exactly the type of thing I like to make sure women know are not paths that are ultimately going to lead to a good place (e.g. creating fear of loss to gain control, etc.)

My question in the situations where I see a person advocating such a position is, “How much manipulation does one need to create the foundation of a good relationship?” and also, “How much fear does one partner need to create in the other to create a loving bond?”

So yeah… we’re on the same page… I’m writing to an all female audience when I write, though I know guys do read the site, so I generally weigh my focus towards what the women are internally/emotionally struggling with before tackling anything a guy might be going through… since… usually the readers can’t hear anything else until I put out the flames of their emotional pain on any particular subject.

Reply March 14, 2014, 1:06 pm

luke

I see what you’re saying, it’s for female readers, and they wouldn’t just read one article and ignore everything but the part at the end.

March 19, 2014, 6:27 am

Joan

Hey Eric,
I’m having a situation where I’ve not dated in 2 years but a month ago this man walked in to my bakery and we sort of had a connection right away he would walk in up to 5 times a day just to see what I was doing. I’m older than he is but it seems not to bother him , the only thing is that every time we get close he runs but then when I ask him if he wants me to stay away he says no. I don’t know what to do I’m trying to be patient , he’s here traveling and was to leave last week but now he says he is staying another few weeks . Please give me some advice Eric. Thank you.

Reply February 26, 2014, 10:07 am

Marisol

Hi Eric.. Great articles!! I just read a couple of them and it has been an eye opener..
I started dating this guy since November 2013.. we even spend New Year’s eve together and had a great time.. then all of the sudden he told me that the intense feeling that was there at the beggining was dying out and that before we got into more deep..it was better to stop seeing each other to avoid hurting each other. I told him I understood and left it at that.. he asked me if it would be ok to call me just to see how I was doing and I told him that was fine. Then a couple of weeks passed without any contact from my part or his.. he called and left a message saying hi and wanting to know how I was doing.. I text him back the next day and told him I was doing great.. from then on he continue communicating and we are seeing each again like nothing happened.. Now I am confused because we never talk about it again.. what kind of sign is that?

Reply February 21, 2014, 11:29 am

Monica

I find it to be incredible!! It makes sense, yet I have found myself proving guys I don’t need anyone but choose them, and they always end up leaving. However, I just met someone and I am afraid of not being able to keep him, just like the rest. HE is very interested in me, ad somehow it feels different then with the other guys. I feel like we want the same things out of whatever we have and I don’t want this to change. How can I used this advice, specifically on him, so he sticks around?

Reply February 14, 2014, 6:26 pm

Cristina

This is outstanding advice!! I had a major eye opening moment when you talked about falling in love with and interacting with “the mask”. I believe I may have been with the mask in my last relationship, 6 years and engaged!!!! Im currently with a man who is absolutely amazing!! Im glad I came across your site and am enjoying each article and the really great advice! Thank you!! :)

Reply February 8, 2014, 9:22 pm

SoozB

This is the most intelligent and sensitive piece I’ve read for ages. It’s absolutely spot-on, and I wish I’d been aware of all these issues when I was much, much younger. The thing is, men will never tell a woman why he has a problem with her – he’ll just leave, or withdraw his affections. Very confusing for a woman, who doesn’t even know that expressing doubt about his abilities or not backing him up in public, for example, is hugely important. And damning.

Reply January 12, 2014, 11:50 am

Zee

This information is revolutionary to making relationships work! Thank you so much for clearing away eons of confusion about the opp sex!

Reply December 30, 2013, 3:23 pm

A

Hey Eric, great article. Thanks. You’ve touched upon an area in which I feel many women fail to understand, which is the psychology of a man, his inner workings and how he thinks. I only came to understand and realize some of the points in this article after making many mistakes with my ex. I think it’s wonderful that you can produce articles with practical and reasonable advice like this for women. Especially bc there are so few resources out there with such straightforward, clear advice. Thanks again.

Reply December 9, 2013, 5:31 pm

Christie

Eric,

I feel like im doing everything right with the guy ive been seeing. Although that wasnt always the case. I made some of the most common mistakes with this guy, everything from sleeping with him too soon and without a commitment..to going into emotional overload.. to trying to be “friends.” Finally I started dating other guys but all the while we remained in contact and slowly started building a genuine friendship..and for a while we were friends, and we were lovers. Its almost been a year since we met, and just recently I asked where he stood and he said he sees me being his girl and more than a friend eventually but he needs to take care of his personal financial life first, but that hes almost got it together. He thinks im beautiful and have an amazing heart but for now its friends. So my response was “thats sweet, no worries, friends is great :)” that night he brought flowers to my house and since then hes put in a lot of effort towards seeing me spending time with me and showing me a huge amount of affection, but now we dont have sex at all. He doesnt even expect it from me (of course he would love to) we have a deep meaningful connection, we admit we care about each other, the way he kisses and holds me when we are together makes me feel amazing and hes introduced me to some of his best friends.

Heres the kicker.. I accidentally blurted out “I wish you wanted more with me” the other night and he said “I just might..I just might” in a genuine ive been thinking about it way… now what do I do?…Just keep going with things? back off? is there something I could do or say to take things to the next level with him? Its been a hell of journey with this guy and I Iove him but I am ready to make something happen or..walk away. Cant keep putting my heart on the line to be let down.

Thanks,
Christie

Reply December 5, 2013, 7:01 pm

Tom

Just tell him what you just said.

Reply May 14, 2014, 6:08 pm

Kenny

This is so wonderful and inspiring! I learnt so much from it and discovered a lot of things not about the guy I am into alone but even about me, I really need to keep my MV high all the times so as to be the envy of all men.

Thank you & all the best

Reply December 4, 2013, 10:33 am

Steff

Hey Eric,
this really is inspirational for me. I’m seeing this guy for 6 months now, but there are no sparks. We hardly talk to each other, if you know what I mean, and a couple of weeks ago we decided to just flip over everything we had and start at the stage we actually skipped so far: getting to know each other. I told him I can’t do this casual thing anymore because it feels cold and business-like. He told me he feels the same and that he’ll try to change his behaviour, being less cool/cold and such.
I know that he likes to play video games and such, but considering the fact that I’m half a decade older, I can’t really appreciate that hobby, even if my age probably isn’t the real reason. But since I know he likes games “not only video games” and we’re planning to go out together for the first time in the weekend, I’ll ask him to join my pretend-play. “Pretend that we never met before”. Oh buy, I’m curious about the outcome. I’m really curious about HIM.
And wow, it took me 6 months to get him to say that he doesn’t want me to see other guys, like in a sexual way, but today he did.
xx

Reply December 2, 2013, 8:37 am

Steff

And PS.
most of the things I wrote here don’t have anything to do with the article, but I think once we start to talk and ask questions, it will come to creating some kind of bond as described in the article. And even if he likes things I don’t like, I’m more the encouraging type of person, rather than nagging about things I consider as annoying. I’m very direct but I’m not his mom. I look at girls and how they treat their boyfriends, I know I’m not perfect at all, but there’s one core point I seemed to understand from the beginning, something most women don’t get. If you fall in love with a guy, don’t try to change or manipulate him into something he’s not, because he’ll never be the guy you fell in love with. Guys aren’t stupid, they know when a girl tries to manipulate them. My ex told me every so often: “Thank you for not trying to change or manipulating me, but thank you for accepting me the way I am.”
If there’s something about your partner you suddenly hate so much that you can’t live with it anymore, you should take a look at yourself first. Why did it become so annoying in the first place? Most of the time it’s you, not him.

Okay, but now I try to focus on the article while I’m writing, I can say so many things that actually don’t have anything to do with the actual subject. I literally copied the whole text into a word-document and put notes under it. The steps I’m going to take, the things I have to change, the things I have to keep in mind. If you like, I could write down my experiences as soon as I got to try out the steps.

Reply December 2, 2013, 9:02 am

Abrha

Wow! Thank you so much for your intelligent insight, Eric. As a woman who is making every effort to be confident, feminine and seen as HV by Masculine, Alpha Males, I can say that these are all VERY true. And the thing is, its about energy, not effort. So for a long time I was ‘trying’ to do these things, until one day something within myself clicked and I naturally understood that the effort isnt what is attractive, its the energy of allowing a man to lead you is what is attractive. And a man wont lead you anywhere if you perceive yourself as not enough, low value, low confidence, etc.. Basically worrying about whats happening instead of knowing and feeling within yourself that you are enough and turning it around to ‘How do I feel about him?’. When he has to show you that he is worthy of your attention, in a loving, playful, qualifying way, then he is energized to do more and prove more and be more of a man because he is winning with you.
I dont know if this makes sense, but its a very recent understanding for me, both mentally and energetically. It has shifted all of my interactions with men, from maybe before where I might wonder.. oh..does he like me? He did or said this.. what does that mean? to.. well of course he likes me, im awesome, now.. do i like him? and Does his behavior show me that he values me? Because if it doesnt, im out. :D

Reply November 27, 2013, 4:27 pm

eme

well…i love him so much..i truly do…this is my first time in a commited relationship..but i think ive changed a lot…n did not realise it.but now because im changing..he is changing and i finally realised its my fault..i controlled him too much and i have a feeling that he doesnt love me as much as last time..he told me his feelings and the things that i changed..he gave me 3 days to change..and i dun wanna loose him…now i dun think i have that somethng tht i hd last time that made him love me..everything in me is in every girl and still idk how he chose me…what should i do now…all the advice u gave above…idk how to do it…n i dun wanna loose him cuz i love him so much…what should i do? :(

Reply November 21, 2013, 10:46 pm

Ky

I love that you say men don’t like a woman who plays hard to get, but rather like they won a prize. this put a lot into perspective to me! To understand the line of ‘playing hard to get’ is not the same as a man winning something to make his and your life better.
If a man opens up to you about serious feelings and life problems, and thoughts, but he says he doesn’t want a relationship. Why does he trust you enough to tell you all of his feelings that he doesn’t share with anyone else?
I know you have said, If a man doesn’t want a relationship, thats just what it is. point blank. however could you give me some more insight into what he’s thinking to share every personal (and sensitive) thought with me?

Reply November 21, 2013, 9:46 am

lm

I’d love an answer to this one as well.

Reply December 17, 2013, 9:02 pm

Dyan

I really love your site…It helps me to understand men more…questions and some of my confusions (about men’s behaviour)are being answered and made things clearer. I hope you wont get tired of writing/blogging…
I always drop by in this site almost everyday…
Thanks Eric!this is a big help!

Reply November 21, 2013, 12:15 am

Rosie

Eric, I can’t tell you how ”on the money” your answer to the ”What do Guys like in a Girl” was, for me & my Guy. I signed up for your emails & comments to learn how to be a better ”Me” and help our relationship thrive. Thank you for all your helpful dialog.

Reply November 19, 2013, 4:39 pm

Rachel

Thanks for this post Eric! I read your articles ALL the time and I love the three areas you highlighted. It really put it in new perspective for me what the mind of a man is like and what drives him to want that relationship with you.

Reply November 18, 2013, 6:56 pm

Emily

This is the first article on “winning over the opposite sex” that makes sense. Cosmo girl should hire people like you instead of training women to act like total wholes. Girls too often settle for denial when treated poorly by guys and I like that this article calls out the BS and gets to the point. It is easier to accept the fact that a guy isn’t into you (for low market value or whatever) and only wants sex instead of convincing yourself that he is in love but has too much baggage to commit. We also need to accept that superficiality is involved – it’s the total basis for evolution! Yes, before making the effort to get to know someone we judge by the exterior. It took so many mistakes and tears for me to understand the whole game and now that I finally get it, it’s SO MUCH FUN. Everyone should be having a good time and it makes me sad to see girls cry over guys by the hour. Have high standards for yourself and you will attract real men who see you in the same light. Dress and act like a whore and you will definitely attract the sleazeballs. Have a good time, flirt, and dress in FLATTERING, CLASSY, SEXY CLOTHING not in absurdly tight/short glittery dresses. Be confident, have fun, and only let your emotions go when you know he is ready to commit. If you find dating stressful then there is something that needs to change.

Reply November 16, 2013, 1:49 pm

Deborah

You are awesome, and I do appreciated all your good advice too. Thank you

Reply November 12, 2013, 8:41 pm

brownie

Hello Eric, thank you for the article. It is quite insightful. I resently signed up with you. Hope to get more insightful articles from you. Just want to say thank and keep up the good work.

Reply October 17, 2013, 12:03 pm

KC

Would you say some of this is the same with online dating? Like the beginning stages with communicating through that form (messaging) and feel a sense of connection and have had some deep conversations… then for some reason don’t hear from him for a few days or ever again… what does that mean?

Reply October 14, 2013, 2:48 pm

Candace

This doesn’t seem like a real relationship to me if the woman always has to challenge him to chase her and see her worth. So in essence, that’s like she’s pulling back to pull him forward. That seems very unfulfilling for her if she can’t pull herself forward without “scaring him away”. Doesn’t relationship mean mutual connection? It seems off balance for the woman to be half in it to keep his attention and suppress her true feelings. It’s a very immature structure, to “entertain him” constantly. What does that mean if the two of them have children? She’s going to be too tired to entertain him, she’s going to need him to love her and the children and help out. But will he get that transition, or will he disappear because the whole relationship was based on her continuous efforts to keep him entertained?

To me, a true relationship is complete, open communication between both parties. (Mystery puts up walls, the opposite of connection) The focus being strengthening each other and being your true, authentic selves around each other. (How can you bond with a person you constantly need to question?) No offense, but relationship advice like this should be titled “How to Catch a Young Boy”, because there’s no maturity and depth in any of this if the focus is on constantly winning him over, rather than being relaxed, knowing he isn’t going anywhere, and you two can grow together.

Reply October 12, 2013, 11:47 pm

Eric Charles

Did you even read the article? That’s exactly what I’m *not* saying… I made a point of explicitly saying that this is the common misunderstanding women have in the first place.

Re-read the article, word for word. You clearly didn’t read this or else you’d see that the article AGREES with what you’re saying. Jeez…

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:02 pm

Lynn

I think what Candice meant was that it feels like we have to win him because the burden is on us to worry about whether we let him Win us. And yes, she as well as I in my other post mentioned the “chase” that many other experts talk about. I think the reason she posted that as well as my agreeing with her is because we feel burdened with all of it linked together. Even just the “winning” us is kind of on us by what we do with men. Whether you want to mention the chase, hard to get, high value or winning earning us, it’s all kind of the same or at least an equal burden to us. It shouldn’t be something I should have to worry about. In reading your article, you mention the man has to feel like I am with him because he won me and not because I want a boyfriend. The problem here is that, yes, I really do want a boyfriend, but not someone I don’t like. I will only be with someone that I really want like and respect. As painful as it is to be single, I’ll stay that way if I don’t find someone I want. But…will the man realize that or will he think I am just getting with anyone as a low value person? I think Candice and I suffer from frustration…at least I know I do. There are so many things we are evaluated and judged for in our interactions with men. We will be judged with their perceptions of us women if THEY think we weren’t something to win/earn So, it still sounds like we have to give the guy a hard time or he doesn’t think we are something to prize. Many of the other experts mention “making a man win or earn us” as well. It all seems to link into what we do…maybe we aren’t allowing him to “win” us. That’s maddening to me. i just want to be myself. It’s still not too clear to me how to have him “win” me. I know you can’t advise everybody’s situation, but maybe another example or two so that I can be inspired to figure out my own situation. My perception on what it is to be “won” is also mixed with what I’ve read elsewhere on this topic. It’s been related to being hard to get, which I hate, or not always being available, etc. If I want to see him when he calls me I do not want to say no just to seem busy. So, if one isn’t busy enough, the man thinks our value is low. I am as busy as I want to be in life. I only see someone I really like. I can’t imagine getting in a relationship just to be in one…it has to be with someone I want. Well, all this takes too much to explain. Does any of this make sense?

Reply April 8, 2014, 5:00 pm

Lynn

Sorry about some of the repeats…didn’t realize it until I posted. I was having trouble with the computer.

Reply April 8, 2014, 5:06 pm

Lynn

Candice…I couldn’t cheer you on enough…you took words right out of my mouth. This is the core of what irritates me so much about dating. I have looked at so many e-books and advice that all says the same thing as this…about us women having to hold out ourselves just so we don’t “scare them off.” As I’ve been reading about this “challenging men” and them wanting a chase or making them “earn me” I have become exhausted at the thought. They speak so much about us women “filling our voids” and how it’s too much for a man to fill you up with things. Well, it’s too much for me to have to fill their void of needing a challenge, chase or winning/earning me. I’m not a “thing” to work for, I’m a person. A person with real wants, desires and emotions. I really hate the idea of men or anybody in general just evaluating whether I have any worth or not. I am a human being. The only people I can see thinking they aren’t worth much are people that deceive, screw somebody over and use people. I think they are very low value. But not this nonsense of people thinking you are high value just because so many others want you. I can’t control what other people like. Some people are stupid and don’t like a good thing. Some people don’t even like chocolate. So, it seems like many people have gotten the idea they are some kind of god and that nobody “deserves” them. The fact is, they sh** the same way everybody else does. These people that seem to think they are some kind of god…well, they have their own faults just like anybody else and s*** the same as everybody else. A lot of this stuff is what I call “dating politics.” I hate it even more than office politics. So, the people that like and want a person because everybody else does…don’t they have an opinion of their own? Who cares if everybody else likes them…do YOU like them? I just wish the people that practiced the attitude that a person is high value because everybody else wants them would have a backbone and have an opinion of their own. I decide if I like a man and I know what I like. Yes, I agree with Candice 1000% about EVERYTHING Candice posted. It is very fulfilling and even exhausting to have to entertain men. It is very unnatural to be half in it so that the man can chase us and we don’t scare them away. I agree, it is about how to catch a young boy…hahaha!! We seem to have to win them more than they supposedly win us.

Reply April 8, 2014, 4:00 pm

Kate

My friends and I have been in this “game” for a long time, some of us with a couple of divorces behind us. I read your posts and you peg exactly what men/women go through. However, many of us have found that we can capture a man, keep him interested and attentative, then he feels so darn good about himself he decides to explore because his confidence is built up. Plenty of younger versions are available and those women then become the prize to display. My friendship circle of women (in their 60′s) are beautiful, successful, agile, and what TV pegs as “cougars.” We’ve paid attention to a healthy lifestyle, our education, grooming, appearance. But, we seem to become a bit invisible as the man feels he can sample elsewhere. Then, the games really begin. At least your articles are helping us see how duped we are and opening our eyes to this age old “cat and mouse” game. No wonder so many of us are unamused by players. Trade them in – men could have grown up and understood the values of maturity!

Reply September 29, 2013, 11:40 am

Eric Charles

You need to find a relationship where the attraction isn’t about how young and pretty you are… nobody is going to be young and pretty forever… some are luckier than others in how pretty they get to be and how long they get to hold onto it…

Sex is common. Beauty is common.

… but a woman who truly sees into the man (his pain, his struggle, his deepest desires)… “gets” what he’s about and what he wants to achieve in life… “gets” him… and adds a dimension beyond sex because she’s the “woman in his corner”… that’s something that a man can’t walk away from.

The only reason I bring up a “cat and mouse” game is to show you that ultimately, that “game” can’t be won… there’s no way to win that. The only path to lifelong commitment is to serve one another on the deepest, most meaningful level… the level that won’t change no matter what age you’re at…

If you didn’t get that from the article… you need to re-read it, word for word.

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:07 pm

Tomaka

I loved your artical on what men want from women, could you email it to me. And please let me know if there are any tips on how to go deeper to get closer. Thanks

Reply September 25, 2013, 2:45 pm

dawn

I have lived with my boyfriend for 4 years. I have no children. He has 4 grown children one of which lives with us. We are in our 50s. His youngest is 23 and a spoiled ass brat. All 4 are constantly texting him and calling him. We don’t have a life because his children come first. We make plans and he cancels because they need him to change their windsheild wiper blades or fix their running toilet. It is non stop. I am a nurse and when I have a night off I would like to spend some time with him but he will head off in the opposite direction to spend time with them. When I tried to talk to him about it he he sid do what you gotta do. He told me if I am not happy and don’t like the way it is and if I think it will never change then go. Does he really mean I should leave because he’s never gonna make time for me or buy me a birthday present cause he paid his daughter’s electric bill and has no money left or he’s never gonna tell them no because we have plans?

Reply September 24, 2013, 10:16 am

mari

Personally… I wouldn’t put up with it. He obviously don’t value you. Just someone convenient. Get a happy life without involving him. If he realise his mistakes he will come to his senses. If he does it again then leave him for good, means he’ll never change. Good luck.

Reply September 24, 2013, 4:00 pm

Decency

Is nt true dat men prefer women dat wear scented perfume,cos some women might not b cool headed or at most neat within them

Reply September 10, 2013, 8:27 am

Eric Charles

Huh?

Men don’t care about perfume. Perfume companies and marketers care about selling you perfume.

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:08 pm

Morgan

Yea, pretty much perfume was all I gathered from that also…lol.

Reply December 28, 2013, 6:35 pm

mari

Well my man problem earlier has just ended. In my situation though it wasn’t worth the trouble trying to win him back as I discovered via fb that he was in a relationship with another woman. Luckily I’m a strong person and have only just known him for couple of months but I must admit it did hurt, probably hurt my ego more than anything really. He was such a canny deceitful cheat. Next time I will make sure I read his actions and not what he says or write. Good lesson for us all.

Reply September 5, 2013, 5:50 pm

mari

I have been having some man problem at the moment and stumble into this website which is a God send. Most topics here had been very useful to me. I believe and practice the “secret” and “law of attractions” and therefore I agree with most of your advice but pity I couldn’t see them before reading your articles here. I just want to say thank you rather than comment at this moment. I will however try to remember and apply your and Sabrina’s advice. Good luck to all of us!

Reply August 31, 2013, 11:34 am

Marcy Yauchler

I think I just got an ah ha moment. The guy I dated last September ended our relationship right before christmas. We didn’t have a title and no fights. He just said I reminded him of his mother. Very shortly after he became in a relationship that he was so proud of on Facebook. Called her his girlfriend and everything. I was very hurt. They even moved in together. But all they did was fight. So it ended in 4 months and thats when he started contacting me again. We texted every couple days and after a month he said he was moving back to the erea and wanted to meet me for a drink. That drink turned into a sleep over. That night felt like the past didnt matter and that we picked up where we left off. now before the night got serious he asked me if i was seeing anyone and I asked him. we both said no and high fived eachother. When it came time for bed i said in a jokingly way. This isn’t a booty call is it? He laughed and said no. We’ve been seeing each other about once a week for almost 2 months. We always have a blast going out for drinks, dancing laughing. Once in a while he will start a drunkin conversation that the timing just isnt good considering we both have been drinking. Most of the time the talk is about my son and how he doesnt want him to “just” be a car salesman. He has been struggling this month. So I’ve sent him a few funny texts to make him smile, I made him a nice vegetarian chilli when he had to work late. I’ve said that I was comfortable just staying home and watching tv. But he insists on going out. When we go out I order well drinks so they are cheaper. I’ve told him why I do that is because I don’t want money to ever be a reason to not see eachother. Last thursday we went out and he started ordering me brand name drinks. We went dancing at the first place we went on our first date last year. We had so much fun;Then on the short drive back to his place he just came out and said he was dating other women. I’m sure if I was sobur I would have said something better. But i said thank you for telling me.. So this means that I should start dating all the guys I’ve been turning down to be with you? and he said yes. He also said that I was the only one he was sleeping with. I asked if there was something i was doing wrong and he said no. He said his last date was 3 weeks ago and It didn’t go well. I couldnt think of what I’v done worng. Im positive and happy. Im easy to please. I just wanted to get to know him better outside the bars and the bedroom. We did stuff like that last year including the goodmorning good night text. at least every other day. I do love this man but wont say it. My qustion is: do you thingk this relationship is about the money and his lack of? After reading this article I think that by my ordering cheap drinks i made him feel like a falior and thats why he has pulled away. If this is true how can I save this relationship by acting in a way that makes it enjoyable for him and not about money. I know the lack of money is a big issue for him right now. he even showed me his bank statements. yes my parents are very wealthy but I don’t live like that. how do I act the next time he texts or calls. In 2 days it will be a week. Oh and he usually bretends that the drunken coversations never happened.

Reply August 28, 2013, 2:15 am

anne

I too have the same type of problems, dating guys who do not have a lot of money and so I also order the less expensive meals and drinks. And it seems to back fire because then I see him spending money on others. How do I handle this?

Reply September 5, 2013, 5:09 pm

Jasmine

I love this website, i singed up and i have sat here an read almost every article on here. Love your insight

Reply August 26, 2013, 4:26 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks, that means a lot to me.

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:09 pm

J

Wow, you are incredibly insightful. You have a way of decoding the seemingly complicated issues women all over the world face on a regular basis. I am extremely impressed, this is not the generic kind of hogwash you’d find littered across the internet! I am sure you have saved many relationships with this site…you should be proud.

Reply August 12, 2013, 5:52 pm

Eric Charles

Thank you, I really appreciate that. Thanks for the comment.

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:09 pm

Jules

Wow, thanks so much. I am sooooooo needy lately in my relationship, and I can see he finds this difficult and becomes more distant. He is very stresses at present moment, and I want to help, but I can see my neediness adds to his pressures. I feel so foolish, fearful that if he doesn’t say he loves me or misses me that we are dimmed. But I know he creates any spare moment to be with me that he can. Do I literally have to sit on my hands, switch off my phone to stop being so fucking needy. I love him. We met 20 years ago, and then went our separate ways, and have rekindled our relationship recently. We have both grown so much, and want this to be a better version of our relationship

Reply August 12, 2013, 5:21 am

Mina

But, what if you’re just really good friends who clicked from the beginning? Or what girls like me who agree to everything(good /fun )…too nice? Not desperate, just am honest. Is it a turn off, would a girl like that never be liked?

Reply July 29, 2013, 12:25 am

Eric Charles

You have to shift your mindset from doing stuff to impress the guy / making some impression on him and instead focus on what you like and want from life… a life that makes you happy… then put yourself out there and choose the man that responds well to how you are.

Yes, you would do best to make yourself as attractive as possible (men are visual, no getting around that). That said, so long as you’re doing your part to look your best, the next most important thing is to make sure you select a man who fits well (instead of a relationship that you have to put all your energy into in order to make it work).

You’d be amazed at how many women don’t follow the second most important thing… it’s probably why I have a business!!

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:13 pm

Tanjanialexis

Wow. I feel like i just learned alot. And I just loved the whole part about increasing your ‘market value’. That is something I will definitely be working on. Thankyou :)

Reply July 25, 2013, 11:16 am

Iviana

All I have to say is Preach the word! I was literally your cheerleader as I read this post. Thanks to you and Sabrina, the help of some friends and family, and life experiences I have been able to increase my “market value”. And its working so much! And not just for my dating life but my self esteem as well. I see myself as a young woman with a lot to offer, and there’s no way I’m settling for less than the best. So reading this article made me happy because I know my thinking and attitude is now correct!:) So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!

Reply June 27, 2013, 2:10 pm

Joyful7007

I am “seeing” a guy, we will call him “Steve” who is in the middle of a divorce and it will be final in a couple months so he is not as available as I’d like him to be because he doesn’t want to officially date until the divorce is final. We started out as friends and are now sleeping together (please don’t judge). He pursued me and told me he liked me. Because of his situation and not being able to “date” me until August I have been dating other guys. I am really starting to like “Steve” and he is out shining any other guy I date. Unfortunately I am starting to feel all my focus is on him because I am falling for him. I am starting to come across as needy so i feel in some ways he is backing off. I then throw in his face ALL the other guys who want me that are dating me. Initially he used to say I was hurting his feelings by throwing it in his face but now that he is backing off he says “well, go ahead and date them. If their life is in better personal order than mine maybe they are a better option to you anyways.” I can’t tell if I have pushed him away at this point or what I should do…. thoughts? I want to win this guy over.

Reply June 19, 2013, 3:12 pm

anne

Dear Joyful, So the grass was greener on the other side of the fence and you were so available, and now that he has had a taste of someone beside the mrs. he will want to explore to see what else is out there and you will become the rebound. I have also been so good at this, experience here writing this letter to you. As these people here will tell you (and me) it’s the chase he is after and he already caught you……….(and me). Now I sit back and wait for them to make ALL the moves and keep bridging, dating other guys; stay busy with your life and you will be more what he saw the first time he saw you. I think MR Right who I met over 6 months ago is finally realizing what he has found in me, but he finds me with plans already made for the weekend coming up………Hang in, don’t be cold, just be really busy with your girl friends and don’t throw these other guys in his face.

Reply September 5, 2013, 8:40 pm

Bambino

So what if you’ve been readily available. The guy is still interested you know he is can you reverse the situation? I’ve been with the same guy a long time. Off and on. Sometimes he was the pursuer and came after me. This time I called him up and we decided to get back together. Well I have to admit I had been acting real needy and he reacted exactly as you said. He felt he didn’t have the capability to make me happy. He didn’t break up with me, but has been super distant. I have learnt from reading a lot of relationship books that the best thing I can do is leave him alone. I have. He calls and text not nearly as much as he used to. He does not respond or acknowledge all my text (I refuse to call him) but I don’t question that either. I speak to him nicely. Is this the best way? I am really enjoying this site. I wish I found it when I got back together with my boyfriend. It would have saved me loads of heart ache, because from everything I have read the man truly does love me and I may have pushed him away by being needy and insecure. How can I fix this?

Reply June 12, 2013, 2:18 pm

Samantha

Just some thoughts:
I really learned a lot from this article. Recently entering my 20s has left me some questions as to why I am still single. Physically I am skinny, have dark blonde hair, blue eyes, and model on the side. I love to enjoy life and feel to be very personable to most. I do not have huge boobs like some of my friends with boyfriends so I feel at times that I will always be seen as less by men.
This opened my eyes to many different perspectives on love. Along with the articles, just the act of living life- and to stop worrying about finding love is fantastic. Even though I am growing up and am still the single one, there is still hope even though I am leaner.
I particulary loved the idea of “being a woman that he has to earn”. Arriving at my first year at university, I found the perfect guy. We had a great date, hit it off, he spoke about me to his friends, we talked about what we wanted to do in the future and everything seemed to have gone well. Afterwards I left with the idea that it went nicely, but he never spoke to me again. I had no idea what happened, but after a couple months he randomly apologized, but in a self-reflection I think maybe I was too available. I was obviously too ready for a relationship and he could sense the ease at which he could have me.
Anyway, thank you for this enlightening article, there are some very deep points.

Reply May 10, 2013, 12:54 am

Ninaa

Hi Eric!
I have read over a few tips on relationships, I have 2 people I follow – 1 from a man perspective and 1-from a woman’s perspective.

BUT I MUST SAY—you have taken the *cake* from both of them!
–Your insight you provided has been the most helpful yet!
I would love to follow your post,can u send me an email to subscribe?
–Thank you!
If I could I would thank you–for all women who come across your post.
Keep doing what you doing.

Reply May 8, 2013, 6:10 am

Eric Charles

Our newsletter sign-up is on the sidebar and the pop-up that comes up on our dating articles.

And our RSS subscribe is at the top in the header.

Reply May 8, 2013, 7:37 pm

Think I messed up...Jane

Hi Eric, I love your articles very much, though it saddens me to only discover all of this now, after I messed up. Precisely 1 year ago I met a really sweet guy, gentle, caring, charming, always friendly and not judgemental… at that time I could not believe that men like that still exist, so I sort of dived in with everything, telling him how we are made for each other and all that without getting him to chase me or getting to know him, I did show alot of interest in the things he like because I like those things too. Anyhow, he withdrawed almost immediatly and o we work together, I eventually “moved on” as I had to but always felt some “what if” with him. how can he know it wont work unless he’s given me a chance. at the very begining he was with me every lunch time or tea time we had, untill the moment I’ve spilled my guts about everything I mean everything… past realationships etc. When he withdrawed, it was like 3months later and I had someone who said all th “right” things, took me for a ride… pretended cause he only wanted one thing, which i didnt see at first, (he also works with me,FYI) anyhow, didnt work out, i got hurt, still single 9months later, and i never stopped thinking about the first guy, my trouble is that im afraid that Ive messed up so bad, because I didnt know all of this that I know now, and If I start to impliment all of the new things you teach us, would he then fall for me or is he’s vision of me ruined?????

Reply May 3, 2013, 5:55 am

Erica

Hello you are a very smart guy, love your article and I learned so much and I think it will help my relationship.It will help me. You really helped me understand a man and get how they really are different from women and I admire that.

Reply April 30, 2013, 9:10 pm

Meylin

Hi Eric!

I came across the site recently, and I must say, I don’t think I’ve ever read more thorough and accurate advice on relationships. As for this article, you certainly nailed it! Theory and practice often differs, but you actually support your reasoning and it all makes sense.

Thank you for the insights. I look forward to reading more of your articles.

~Meylin

Reply April 25, 2013, 10:53 am

Susana

Ever since I found your website Ive been stuck love your advice keep up the great work

Reply April 24, 2013, 7:12 pm

Angela

I really enjoyed this article and i’m making my comment before reading other comments… but i like the idea of the woman being a “prize” to be earned. It’s not a material idea, but it is in a sense. That the woman has decided that you’re the alpha male, that he got the best possible outcome, that he “won” in life. I’m glad that you made it very clear that there’s nothing material or superficial about this mentality. Sadly, some men mistake this mentality for the literal meaning…that a woman is something to be paraded around and treated like a new car or watch. It’s different because those material items may indicate success or wealth, but it doesn’t indicate what kind of person you are. Because you can have all the bling and wealth in the world, but if you’re still single after getting all that money, women WILL wonder what you traded to get it. Your sensitivity? Your humanity? Did you stop saying “please” and “thank you” in favor of looking like a hard-working, non-compromising businessman? That might impress another man, but it’ll drive away any serious, mature woman.
Anyway, i could go on, but i really appreciated the “win” mentality clarification. Thanks and well done!

Reply April 15, 2013, 9:26 am

gra

Eric, thanks so much for the advise.
Having relationship problems and I’m gonna use your advise and
see if that sorts it,
much love!!!

Reply April 9, 2013, 8:00 am

Alice

THIS IS FANTASTIC INFORMATION!!!!

Reply April 4, 2013, 10:12 am

Jessica

Thank you, Eric! Your insight is always so appreciated and helpful!!

Reply March 28, 2013, 10:15 am

Lourdes

Thank you so much!! I’ve read your emails and articles. I find them to be enlightening and informative. To get right to the point without all the “fluff” is excellent. I am one that hates wasting my time reading something that goes nowhere. I am pleased to see that I’m doing things right with a man I’m interested in. However, what you said about what he wants in his life is good to know. I am also happy to see that by what your saying about being the prize. I do consider myself to be quite a catch. I am confident in myself for all my abilities and really want the man to be worth my time. Several are vying for my attention but this one particular guy is the one who’s caught my eye. We’ve been feeling each other out and now I understand why. He is very happy that he gets my attention over other men and now I see how much it means from a man’s point of view. Thank you so much for this article. It will help me avoid potential mistakes and increase our chances of a meaningful relationship. God bless.

Reply March 23, 2013, 9:52 am

iliana

Eric,
About me being “the prize” do you mean that he has to feel like he’s in a competition with other men? For example, I’m dating other men. I’m not just focused on him?

Reply March 21, 2013, 7:23 pm

Eric Charles

It’s not about him feeling like he’s in competition…

Let me give you an analogy:

You happen to get a great job. You know it’s great – it pays well, you enjoy the work, you enjoy the people you work with. Yeah, it’s a job so you do have to work, but you love it.

At the same time… you know that if you stopped showing up or stopped doing work, you would be fired.

However, your boss doesn’t have to threaten you with that, ever. Your boss doesn’t have to remind you how great your job is, or how they could hire other people but they’re choosing you for now…

If you’re happy at your job, you’re not going anywhere and you’ll be a great worker. At the same time, you know that you have to show up and pull your weight.

Contrast that with a company that hires some guy who doesn’t take his job seriously… he shows up when he feels like it, doesn’t work very hard and really just doesn’t care much. But instead of firing the guy, the company covers for his weaknesses, ignores or forgives his absences and tries to “make it work” with him.

Maybe, for some reason, the company thinks they couldn’t hire someone else to do the job.

Maybe, for some reason, the company feels it’s on them to turn a loser into a winner.

Whatever it is… you recognize your job is a prize while the other guy is taking the easy handouts because he can…

The biggest irony of this is that if you got fired, you would probably be very upset whereas the second guy probably wouldn’t really care… he might even go so far as to blame and criticize the company as if it was their fault for his poor work quality (because he’s used to getting away with stuff).

Point is: You VALUE your job and your company recognizes that you do, so they keep you and invest in you. The other company VALUES the slob and invests in that loser, who’s actually doing much more to bring that company down than to bring it up.

YOU are the company. Who are you hiring for the role of “man in your life”?

Reply October 13, 2013, 2:25 pm

Cristina

Amazing analogy!!!!

Reply February 8, 2014, 9:39 pm

Nic

Awesome analogy!! Amazing what a change of perspective can do for how you think of things! Thanks so much Eric and Ilana for asking :)

Reply May 9, 2014, 2:32 pm

LeightonL

Eric,

Great advice. I guess I need more clarification; you say that he needs to feel he’s winning you and to keep your market value high… but exactly how do you keep showing that you’re choosing to be with him throughout the course of a relationship?

And how do you balance the aspect of showing interest, praise, and appreciation to the guy while maintaining a quality market value?

Thanks!

Reply March 21, 2013, 12:43 pm

zannie

thanks a bunch Charles,i never knew that man’s interest means a lot in them

Reply March 21, 2013, 9:32 am

Maria

Dear Eric you are confusing me. What do you mean by a woman keeping her market value? A lot of guys in society these days are losers; either not working or are working and just carrying themselves all kinds of sloppy (not caring about their appearance, smoking, drinking etc). I’m thinking about becoming a lesbian because most women out here are well kept and ready to treat someone kind and decent. Maybe you can write a book for men, so they can learn how to be a MAN. Help your brotherhood society because men are just pathetic these days.

Reply March 21, 2013, 5:27 am

miss single

you are so right im thinking the same way these guys are a complete waist of time no respect for women don’t want take you out on a real date but would rather come to your house an cuddle with the hopes of getting sex without putting bin any effort it sad and I am on the edge completely tired of there crap

Reply May 8, 2013, 1:50 am

Jenna

Dear Eric, Thank YOU! You’re like a great and caring friend Sweetie Pie! xoxo

Reply March 20, 2013, 10:18 pm

Glenna

Dear Eric, thank you so much for the valuable information you post for us women…it truly helps us see things from a man’s perspective. Keep them coming!

Reply March 20, 2013, 11:04 am

Anne Drew

I like ur articles.. its help me to built myself up after broken up with my ex.. :) and we still goin out till now.. but one thing i wana ask if there’s a chance i can get back with him but at the same time im scared.. we nvr talk abt ourself since we broke up.

Reply March 20, 2013, 1:24 am

Kate

totally agree. you hit the nail on the head about men wanting to “win” at life. from everything i’ve learned about men i’ve gotten close to, that’s the perfect way to put it! i also couldn’t agree more with the market value. i’m pretty lucky because i’ve personally never had too much trouble with men. i’ve never been broken up with or too under appreciated in a relationship. and it’s not even like i’m the sexiest girl in the room. i’m pretty and all that but i’ve known so many girls who were, in my opinion, equally pretty or prettier than i am who have had a lot more trouble with men. i think part of it is simply being comfortable in yourself, and being comfortable with the concept of being alone. nobody, man or woman (though i would imagine a man would be even more turned off by it because of their inherent desire to win), wants to feel like somebody is with them out of fear of being single or out of loneliness or desperation or anything. it’s insecure and people can pick up on that, even if you don’t straight up say things like “omg im so worthless, nobody else will want me”. insecurity is never an attractive trait. it’s also impersonal and, in a way, it’s insulting to the other person. being with somebody for the wrong reasons sends the message “you’ll do, i need somebody” rather than “i genuinely think you’re a cool person and i want to be with you because of that”. anyways i’m basically just rehashing what you’ve said! i think this was a really good article and i hope ppl will let the information and advice sink in and really benefit from it.

Reply March 19, 2013, 9:37 pm

Rana

I’ve been seeing a new guy for around two months now, at first he was so into me he would go out his way to see me. About three weeks ago he seamed to loose interest he. stopped calling testing he was coming over every day and now I haven’t seen him for over a week.. I ask him if I had said or did something wrong and he says he is going through alot with his divorce settlement with will be very next week and he will be all better. I’m so confused. Should I call it quits or give him time? I feel so hopeless please help.

Reply March 19, 2013, 9:32 pm

Isa

Hi Rana, seriously I know how you’re feeling. My boyfriend was like that for MONTHS before we really got together. It was very painful to me and at the same time that was where I broke my old habits with men and started gaining patience and more selfworth. 1. Haunting him down scares him away. I said:” hey, we have to talk, we should get to know each other even more, spend more time together” 6 hours later I got a text saying: “we should take it easy…” meaning we actually stopped seeing each other. I started focussing on myself (even I was in pain and desperate) and my feminine grace, focussing on what a CATCH I am and all men noticed. Him too. I started having a few coffee dates and kept my options open even I missed him like crazy. But I also told myself: everybody sees me as a catch so now he must EARN me. Another time he stood me up on a date, I was devastated but said to him: “go do whatever you have to do but its going to be without me, cause I like to be treated right and you just didn’t respect my effort or my time”. I kept on looking georgeous and focussing on options in life, he observed me. Looooong personal struggle here but I learned how I really want a man to treat me. And what I want to put in a relationship. Today we are a couple and live each other madly. Good luck, let him earn you!

Reply March 20, 2013, 2:22 am

Joyful7007

Thanks for the encouragement. I am having a similar situation to what you had described so it is nice to hear of a happy ending :) I had someone who pursued me but he has a divorce that will be final in a couple months so we were taking it slow. Now I became attached and am starting to give off that needy vibe and want to talk about the “relationship.” I noticed it pushing him away. I date other guys as well and throw it in his face. It’s very difficult. I think I need to be patient, keep dating and back off and see what happens. The other bad thing is I feel very readily available to this guy as well. He is a police officer and works nights so I feel like bend to his schedule in efforts to see him.

Reply June 19, 2013, 3:20 pm

anonymous

I will never understand why a woman will go after a guy who is still going through a divorce… a lot of those stories don’t end well for anyone. If he is separated and interesyed in you then talk to him but don’t be too available. Dont start sleeping with him or getting too cosy until he is divorced and you’re the only one he is seeing.

On a different note, if someone cheats on you (or with you) or if they can’t make up their mind and they make you an option, then remove yourself from the equation and make their decision easier. Never put up with crap from anyone no matter what.

Reply July 16, 2013, 9:13 pm

claire

I really like this article and feel there is a lot of useful information in it. I do a lot of these things naturally and it feels good to know what I’m getting right. Thanks

Reply March 19, 2013, 8:23 pm

Jessica

I’ve been seeing a guy friend casually with benefits! We don’t talk everyday but I do spend almost every weekend with him and his son. He works hard, is a great father and we have a great friendship. I would eventually like it to become more serious. I’ve been reading all the articles and following through with the advice. He has started to become more affectionate and is taking extra effort to spend time with me. Thank you for all the advice! I really want to keep this guy and I believe you are going to help me achieve this goal. To make me his one and only!

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:45 pm

Mimi

“I’ve been seeing a guy friend casually with benefits!”

“I would eventually like it to become more serious. I’ve been reading all the articles and following through with the advice.”

No you haven’t. It doesn’t seem like you have even read this article. Sorry to be hard on you, but you’ve given the ‘benefits’ for free without him having to earn it. Read it again.

Reply April 21, 2013, 2:37 am

Sarah

Do you tell them… you earned it!!!! Like today he msges me wants a nice pic while he was working.. and i say awe you been working hard hey ok ill take a break from studying lol

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:41 pm

sarah

I need some clarification on what earning someone is… like holding off on sex?? … not always being available..not giving, if your not getting????

THANK YOU -you guyz are great haha my ex and I are doing great.. but im still confused about some stuff!!!

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:38 pm

sarah

So what if you chased him and won him how then do you get them to chase you?

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:29 pm

Faizah

Hello Eric,
Thank you for the valuable tips, they are highly appreciated.

I’m having this online relationship for almost five months now, we have agreed from the start that we’re both in this for marriage. He told me that he has feelings for me (but never said that he loves me) and I’m starting to have feelings for him too.

The thing is, as the time goes by.. we don’t seem to have a clear plan/direction to what to do next, I asked him about month ago.. how he feels about this relationship or if he sees a future, he told me that he like me but can’t answer this question until we meet in person – I thought it’s only fair – but he also says that he’s not ready to meet in person yet because he’s busy starting a new business and working on his fitness.

I don’t mind to wait.. because I like this man very much (knowing that I’m still dating other guys online) but he’s the one that I want to be with.

My Questions: How long should I wait? when should I quit and move on? how can I let him know that I have other options, but he’s the one that I’m choosing? what EXACTLY should I say to him to see if he really interested to have a future with me or not?

Thank you again Eric!
Love,
Faizah

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:22 pm

Tracey

Im really sorry Faizah, but you have waited 5 months to meet this man and his reason for not meeting at the moment is he is building a business (ok fair enough, he has to commit to his business for it to be a success) and his fitness!!! The man is married or already has a partner, and you are the person he chats to when she is in bed or out with the kids.
Sorry to be brutal, but you are being played for a fool

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:52 pm

Faizah

Okay, but I forgot to mention that we live far away from each other, does this count?

Reply March 20, 2013, 9:52 am

Angela

I’m sorry too Faizah…but i think there’s something fishy going on with your gentleman friend. The best thing, i’d say, is to just do your own thing….keep pursuing your own interests and being happy on your own. If he decides he wants to be part of it, let him. But if he’s too busy in his own life, then that means his priorities are set. If a man wants you, he will stop at nothing to be with you. If he’s not made you his #1 priority, then make something or someone else your priority. You don’t need to sit around waiting for him to make you feel worthwhile! Please don’t do this to yourself! :)

Reply April 15, 2013, 9:31 am

Chath

Great advice Eric!
I’ve actually changed my perspective on life during the past few months, and realised the things that are truly important for me. That includes finding a good guy, however it has gone down quite a few steps on list of priorities. Reading this article now and your previous emails, I realise how important it is to just relax and not chase guys aimlessly…We need to get to know them better and also like ourselves better. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, but if we go through that process hopefully we’ll have made a great friend in the end and know more about what we want and need.

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:17 pm

shannon

Great article…so helpful…keep up the great work!!

Reply March 19, 2013, 6:39 pm

Lauren

Eric your article reminds me of my mum and my dad. My dad relentlessly pursued her even though he had no money, didn’t even have a car and dumped his long term girlfriend to be with her. 35 years later he will still do anything for her and they are still together. The formula is simple – mum was the prize, other men wanted her, she didn’t need him and he went places in his career he never would have went to without her help. He often says ‘your mother was my saviour’. Stupidly over the years I’ve adopted the relentless pursual approach on men but for obvious reasons this always fails. Recently I’ve taken a different approach and started to focus on whether a man is worthy of me and all the things I have to offer. Already I’m starting to get the attentiveness I’ve always wanted and don’t feel constant disappointment. In fact I think the current flame has texted a while ago but I haven’t even opened it! That’s progress. Whole heartedly agree with everything on a New Mode and that’s another great article Eric!

Reply March 19, 2013, 4:09 pm

Cindy

Love your articles always….but here’s my confusion…how do u go about making yourself seem more marketable…especially when u only see them maybe twice a week and most of your contact is through texts…the gut I’m talking to works 80 hours a week…

Reply March 19, 2013, 3:29 pm

Valentina

you don’t wanna “make yourself seem,” that’s never gonna work. you have to “actually be” more marketable, so you need to do this while he’s working his 80 hrs/wk even though he’ll never see it. the main thing is you’ll act like a woman who has options and self respect.

1) find a passion.
2) develop it and spend enough time with it that you learn about it and let it make you happy :)
3) find the community of people out there who share your passion. and let me tell you ANYTHING can be a passion and have a community out there for it: dogs, walking, tattoos, growing apple trees, roller derby, a certain bar in town, or church….my point is, find yours, participate in their events, get their newsletters, make friends. ***your market value is automatically higher in this community because everyone in it knows you have an interest they see as valuable. you might even find you have an appearance, quirk, or personality that people with your passion find very attractive, even if the rest of the world never noticed it.
4) you become happy and confident and appreciated
5) your market value outside the community really becomes higher because – surprise! – more guys want a happy and confident girl with a life besides him.

so don’t worry about the guy’s interests or try to choose a passion he would approve of, because if it doesn’t genuinely make you happy, it defeats the purpose. if you’re doing something in your spare time that makes you happy and surround yourself with like-minded people, whenever you do see him, he will wonder why you’re so pleasant and glowing. believe me, when you work 80 hours a week, its a great delight to spend time with a cheerful, happy, low-drama person who has better things to talk about than work.

Reply April 3, 2013, 7:33 pm

Angela

VERY well said Valentina! You’re 100% right!

Reply April 15, 2013, 9:34 am

Mina

I loved the article and see a lot of truth and helpful advice in it; however, I’m slightly confused/concerned. What if you’re not naturally bubbly and you’re more mellow and not super outgoing? Does this mean you have to fake it in order to be considered high market value? And basically not be your true self? I wouldn’t want to be acting in a way other than how I really am but then again, I can see how that bubbly flirtatious personality is desirable. So basically, what I’m saying is: I refuse to fake it or change my personality. Does this make it impossible to be considered high-market value?

Reply March 19, 2013, 3:23 pm

Stevie

Thanks very much for this insight, Eric!
There’s a lot to take in, but I feel that this article will certainly be a bookmark to come back to in order to remind myself.
I am one to admit that I have been needy in the past with men, I know it for a fact, but often the issue lays within changing that in myself.
I think this post has helped me to shift my mindset a little towards being the better woman – from a guy’s point of view! I’m confident that understanding what men really want will give me the confidence to remove those needy feelings and behaviours.
I also want to say that I find your’s and Sabrina’s emails incredibly helpful too, I’ve kept them all and often read back through them for a little guidance as my relationship/life status shifts.
So to sum it up, thank you for everything! Please keep doing what you’re doing, it’s much appreciated!

Reply March 19, 2013, 3:18 pm

Nicole

Hey Eric,
First off thanks so much for the advice it really has helped me turn my attitude around and this article really made sense for me! I just had one quick question if you havent been doing the things you suggested and he doesnt feel like he has to win you over is there a way to turn it around and un do the damage or should you just move on and forget about them ?

Reply March 19, 2013, 3:14 pm

Sara M.

I am really enjoying your articles. They go deep yet simple and it is helping to undo all the confusing women’s advice that has been out there for awhile like, not worrying about his interest, don’t worry about what *he* is thinking only focus on you, and stuff like that. I found that if we want a solid relationship we *should* focus on learning and understanding the deeper aspects of our partner’s psychology. Advice such as be his honey, be his pearl, don’t call, don’t talk, don’t kiss is all becoming a lot of babble with no base.

Reply March 19, 2013, 1:49 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks – I really appreciate that. Glad you like our stuff. :)

Reply March 19, 2013, 2:11 pm

Lila

A New Mode is just one of two dating sites that I subscribe to and I have to say that you guys talk a lot of sense.

I agree 100%. And I think girls should stop watching the movie trash of these days and start watching old classics like Gone with the Wind. Watch the main male characters in action – that will teach you what men really want. Fine, it’s fiction. But guys, Eric Charles, let me know if I’m wrong ;-)

Reply March 19, 2013, 1:23 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks, I’m glad to hear that.

I haven’t watched Gone With The Wind in years, but I would say that Rhett Butler is a much more authentic character than all of the nonsense media trash of today – whether it’s today’s movies, TV, “reality” TV, etc.

It’s like the movie industry completely gave up after 2000. I digress…

Reply March 19, 2013, 2:13 pm

Lila

Margaret Mitchell, the author of the novel, (and most her kind – especially during that bygone era) were experts at painting clear and accurate pictures of human character. She did a brilliant job I think at illustrating “what men want.”

On some other day, I’d probably agree with your blog entry by citing some personal anecdote, but today I’d like to go literary :-)

1. He will want to bring you into his world and expose you to it: Rhett recognized Scarlett for who she was, and realized that they were as similar as two peas in a pod. They both had daring, practical personalities and a flair for shocking conventional society. Only the two of them could understand each other.

The supporting character Ashley Wilkes, echoes the same thing. He marries his cousin Melanie because “they think alike and understand each other and are of the same blood.” He is attracted to Scarlett but he knows that’s “not enough to make a marriage successful.” So there you go ladies – a lot of meat there!

2. Does being with you make him feel like more of a winner in the world than he could ever feel like without you? – A great lesson or two here at how “belles from the old south stand by their man.” Even Scarlett, for all her naughtiness, knew how to balance rebuffing Rhett with enough sincere praises. Melanie Wilkes is a paragon of feminine support

3. Great sex isn’t going to be a relationship-maker, but it certainly is very important to men. – Well isn’t it any wonder that Rhett and Scarlett’s marriage starts to break down the moment she suggests and end to their sexual relationship because she wants to save her figure from more childbearing?

4. Market value: being a woman that everyone else wants – Scarlett did a brilliant job at playing the southern belle. She was manipulative and calculating enough to attract every roving male eye at the plantation barbecue to catch Ashley Wilkes’ attention. Scarlett’s the kind of girl that makes poise, fitness, beauty, and fashion a priority. What she didn’t count on was attracting the best guy around, who was hotter than her crush! Scarlett’s market value was so high that Rhett put up waiting for her even though she married twice, and finally caught her because he didn’t want to keep waiting to “catch her between husbands.”

5. While I’m on the subject, I’m going to add another crucial lesson learned both from real life and from the movie – men want to feel that they have the pure love of a woman who wants them for who they are and not for what they have. No matter how much Rhett wanted Scarlett, he made sure he had her when she didn’t need his money. Only then did he willingly shower her with a lavish lifestyle. Having money of her own, he could prove she wasn’t sticking to him just because of financial need.

The way women hate being used for sexual pleasure is the same way men hate being used for their money. These two issues ought to be put away from the get-go before any sincere relationship can properly blossom.

Reply March 19, 2013, 11:05 pm

Lana

Great article, I agree with every single word here : )

Reply March 19, 2013, 1:18 pm

Aqwerty

That is such a meaningful article, Eric. I thank you so much for that.
There’s this guy i like; the problem is that he is working where i am studying. It started with him looking/noticing me, and that triggered my feelings for him. I fell madly in love with him, and as soon as i fell for him, he stopped noticing me.. that just broke my heart and now, my saddest fear is that maybe he wasn’t really noticing me. he’s just a few years older than me, but since he is working where i am studying, i am finding it very difficult to get to him, to know his private life, if he has a girlfriend, what his search in life is about. i’m extremely curious and i’m mad about him now. Is there anything i can do??/

Reply March 19, 2013, 12:50 pm

Lana

forgive me for saying that, but here’s something you can: read the article again

Reply March 19, 2013, 1:20 pm

Nikki

Hi Eric loved this!! I do have a question though, it might sound silly but I’m gona ask anyways. I recently got out of a relationship with a guy I really really liked and I think what you’re talking about, him earning me, had a lot to do with it. I think he felt in the end he didn’t have to so it was too easy and he walked away :( I was wondering what kind of behaviour or attitude makes a girl high market value/makes a guy want to earn her?

Thanks :)

Reply March 19, 2013, 11:18 am

Eric Charles

There is evidence all around you for “what guys like”. Some stuff won’t suit you, some stuff will.

Typically, the qualities that men like in women tend to be the qualities other women hate about other women. Things like being sexy, being happy and bubbly, being pretty, being in great shape, etc.

For example, women *love* recommending that other girl’s should change their hair color to brown or dark or red or black. Anything but the dreaded blonde. Why? Well, I’d say it’s because when a woman has blonde hair, every guy looks – guys can’t not look at a girl when they see blonde hair.

Women tend to care about the “attention economy” – that is, which girl is getting all the guy’s attention.

Essentially, women tend to hate when another girl is getting lots of male attention. They’ll say it’s because she’s a slut, a whore, an attention-whore, etc. Really, it’s just thinly veiled jealousy – most women, unfortunately, are insanely jealous of women with high market value.

So if other women hate you, it’s probably because you’re doing a lot of things right. Sad, but true.

Reply March 19, 2013, 2:21 pm

another girl

Eric, I agree with you to a point but I don’t think girls always hate when other girls are sexy. I receive compliments when I wear a short skirt equally by guys and girls. Well, I have received bad attitude but only by girls who are not my friends. And blonde is not for everyone and there are guy who don’t like blondes. A black or Asian girl will look better with dark hair as well as many girls with dark complexion, etc.

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:40 pm

Anais

Eric, I’m with you on your take on how a lot of women get jealous when aother woman has more attention. But I agree with Another Girl, Asians and groups with dark complexions do not receive that type of attention with blonde hair because it doesn’t look natural. I think darker hair suits us more. Plus a lot of guys prefer dark hair over blonde hair

Reply March 28, 2013, 4:11 pm

vsweetiepie

For example, women *love* recommending that other girl’s should change their hair color to brown or dark or red or black. Anything but the dreaded blonde. Why? Well, I’d say it’s because when a woman has blonde hair, every guy looks – guys can’t not look at a girl when they see blonde hair.

NOw lets recap here blonde hair? yes it is eye catching, even red hair looks eyes catching but that dont make them better looking or more attractive, i am a cosmetologist so if i recommend something it wont be because i am jealous of her if she colors it blonde, once a woman skin tone is enhanced by a color i would recommend blonde, or any other color that i think is suitable, besides blondes dont mean they are better looking than the rest of us, whatever god gave to u , you have to make the best of it, i wont discriminate against blondes but any attractive woman is eye catching, they dont just look at the hair, they look at your face which is the main attraction then your body, if she has a flaw in her body type like a belly she can wear clothes to show of her best assets, but basically i could class with any woman because i know i dont need make up to look gorgeous, an many men like women that are naturally hot an their good character is what they look for not someone that opens her leg for any man that walks in her life

Reply March 21, 2013, 12:55 pm

Anonymous

“So if other women hate you, it’s probably because you’re doing a lot of things right. Sad, but true.” – Or you just have a bad personality/attitude. Guys always label girls as jealous or something if she doesn’t like another girl or doesn’t find the other girl appealing, but this is rarely the case. Unless you are inside another person’s mind you cant day that. Most people use the jealousy excuse when they can’t understand something. And its silly how guys love thinking girls get jealous, when in actual fact ive seen more guys become jealous. Some people do get jealous, but most do not. Most women in modern society are quite comfortable and confident. If anything ive seen more women compliment each other. However beauty is in the eyes of the beholder so just because some people think you look good, it doesn’t mean everyone will. We all have different taste. Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox are all famous actresses who are generally considered very attractive, however I know lots of women who like them while some guys do not like them. How women percieve each other often has a lot moreto do with: friendliness, attitude, personality, and yes to an extent your makeup/how you dress (women generally prefer natural and classy beauty over someone who looks like they try too hard). Regardless you should be yourself and don’t truly too hard to impress anyone by being fake.

Reply July 16, 2013, 9:27 pm

G Marie

This is a great article and very helpful insight! I have a question…how does this differ when you are dealing with long distance and you can’t be physically together often? Perhaps this is a question for a separate blog! My story is far too long to get into on a comment here, but the synopsis is we met eight months ago, best man and maid of honor at our best friends wedding. We instantly clicked like lightning and for three months and a couple of visits later it was daily conversations for hours on length at times. Chemistry was there. But the kicker, we live 1,600 miles apart! It eventually slowed down but then, he keeps coming back to me and into my life! We have shared many things and he has in fact has shown his vulnerability to me while his mother was close to death. Things have gotten really intense between the two of us, then he kind of pulls back. Tells me he can’t handle this long of a distance, but he wants to keep me in his life and would love to be with me if the distance was not a factor. It is not stated nor has it ever been clear what we are in the relationship realm, but we are clearly more than just friends, have this powerful chemistry together & he keeps returning to my life…we both want to be some part of each other’s life. With our distance, it clearly isn’t just about sex. He has seen other women and I have dated other men. Anyways…it’s been eight months now since our “thing” started, five months since we have physically seen each other, and I will be seeing him for a few days in three weeks. So again, what are the cues and how do these “rules” change when a long distance dynamic is involved?

Reply March 19, 2013, 11:11 am

Lana

I am in LDR myself, I am sorry, but honestly the only thing that makes LDR work is a mutual desire of future together, if there is no intention from both sides to get together and no plans on how to do that, it’s not gonna work. And when u don’t have a status of relationship even it’s basically impossible. Maybe the ony thing that could help you to check if something can work out of it is tellign him you can no longer be involved in what is happening between you as it is right now, cause it’s not what you want, and let him think if he wants and eager to do anything about it. One thing: after that if he doesn’t do anything you will need to forget him and move on for real.

Reply March 19, 2013, 1:27 pm

G Marie

Thanks Lana. You are absolutely correct and in fact I look forward to having some good conversation in the flesh with him next month and to talk a few things out. As with all human relationships and interactions, there have been many other factors involved with our relationship from early on, of which has since been resolved. & in fact I think never really identifying what we were (are?) has been part of our problem, for both of us. I was curious to hear what a guys perspective is on such a dynamic, assuming it is any different or perhaps more info inside the male mind that could perhaps shed some light.

Reply March 19, 2013, 3:29 pm

Lelia

Well you just helped me tremendously. I’ve been dating this guy for about 3 months now. He actually told me that he felt I could make him great. I first thought wow and then I felt a tremendous amount of pressure. A couple of weeks ago he asked me if I wanted to watch the series LOST. I never watched it before. He actually told me he wanted to experience it with me. *blushing*. We’ve been watching it religously and im addicted. Im actually glad i didnt watch it while it was on air because now i can experience it with him.

Your article reaffirmed what I already felt from him. It makes perfect sense to me now, hearing another man explain how you creatures think lol.

Reply March 19, 2013, 11:07 am

Sam

great article Eric !!!
my question is :what if a woman has such a relationship or bond and the guy tells her most of his deepest secrets or thoughts but says he doesn’t accept her as she is now coz he is in a socially higher job than she is but they both come from middle class family .
should she stay or leave???
is he worthy???
thanks .

Reply March 19, 2013, 11:02 am

Mary H.

I’m curious as to what Eric has to say about this, I will add one thing that’s often overlooked, which is pretty simple: Being a good person.

It seems like a commonly-held myth that “men love bitches” (see: Sherry Argov). I don’t think they actually love bitches. They love confidence and high-value women who have solid boundaries. Confidence and boundaries, however, should not entail actual bitchiness. Think about it: if you were a man, would you really want the mother of your children to be a bitch? Would you want her to be catty, spiteful, and constantly putting down others to make herself feel better? Probably not.

So what do I mean by “good person?” I mean a woman who is warm, loving, giving, caring, nurturing, and affectionate towards others. A woman who has empathy for everyone around her. A woman who isn’t full of bitterness and negativity towards other people. Now, being nice does not necessarily mean being a doormat. Notice that I still said having boundaries was important. But sweetness and warmth are important because they are so missing from a guy’s life without a woman. None of his guy friends are outwardly sweet and warm. He wants that from you.

Reply March 19, 2013, 10:59 am

Eric Charles

I never read the book, “Why Men Love Bitches,” so I can’t comment on the actual content of the book.

If I was just taking the title as a statement of truth at face value, I would say that it’s the most ridiculous and stupid idea I’ve ever heard.

You have it right: Men want a confident, high-value woman who knows how to get what she wants, doesn’t put up with what she doesn’t want and can do all this in a way that is pleasant, appealing and open.

The “bitches” book might be driving at the same point and just has that title to create a stir – I don’t know. I have actually had girls purposefully act difficult and “bitchy” with me, then break down into tears when I stop dating them, telling me that they thought that I’d like them better if they acted “bitchy”.

I feel bad for women being misled by our sociey’s very apparent ignorance as to what men want or like in a relationship partner. That’s why I do what I do.

Reply March 19, 2013, 2:38 pm

Rachelle

Sherry Argov is being tongue-in-cheek when she uses the term “bitch” in her books. Eric is right, it’s just to create a stir. Basically, her definition of a “b.i.t.c.h.” is “babe in total control of herself” and it means pretty much exactly what Eric mentioned above: “a confident, high-value woman who knows how to get what she wants, doesn’t put up with what she doesn’t want and can do all this in a way that is pleasant, appealing and open”.

Reply January 13, 2014, 11:23 am

Karen

Thanks for the great article. I appreciated your truth about “the chase”. Yes, I think it is more about competition (I won her over) instead of (I can catch her) attitude. Thanks!!

Reply March 19, 2013, 10:58 am

Eric Charles

Yup. Pretty much. I mean, there are many layers and flavors to male-to-female attraction, but this is a huge point that gets overlooked.

And of course, you are most welcome. Glad you liked the article. :)

Reply March 19, 2013, 2:40 pm

Neicey

I understand where you are coming from, but I’ve always supported this guy from the beginning and shared his same interest even partook in those interest. He’s opened up and shared them with me, but yet he still didn’t want the relationship. He saw that I was able to be with anyone I wanted but I didn’t just want any man I wanted him. So what was I doing wrong?

Reply March 19, 2013, 10:49 am

Diana Weisbach

See, if a man feels that you’re with him because you want a boyfriend, then he knows that he could put in barely any effort since your primary interest is in getting some empty relationship title.

That entire article made complete sense but that particular sentence grabbed my attention the most. I have been with someone who wasn’t comfortable with the “boyfriend” title so we kept casually dating. He said all the things about the future I wanted to hear but kept the title out of my reach. Granted I let a lot of insecurities show and fit your description of needy a little too well (I’m little embarrassed about it actually). I finally told him I needed to step back and get my world straight before I could include him in it. It sucked and I constantly wanted to cave but that distance was the best thing that could have happened.

After a few weeks of space I made it clear we have to platonic friends or in a relationship because the in between isn’t enough. We finally went out and talked and agreed there is something big between us worth fighting for. Once I’m done with re-evaluating my own goals/priorities/building my confidence (so that I feel like a woman worth pursuing again) we will talk about going exclusive. He knows that if he still isn’t ready then I’m not waiting anymore but I don’t get the feeling that will be a problem any more.

Thanks for continuing to give helpful advice instead of the sugar-coated generic white space filler that is everywhere else!!

Reply March 19, 2013, 10:48 am

Anne

This is a really good article.
I was wondering if there is any specific ways in which I can let my boyfriend know I have high market value and that I’m choosing him over everyone else?

Reply March 19, 2013, 10:43 am

Dana

Eric,

What do I do if I have already told a man I was in love with him and he did not earn it. Is it too late to go back? I’ve been seeing a man who clearly does not feel as strongly as I do, but I think there is hope. How do I get him to see me as a prize if I have pretty much already “taught” him that he doesn’t have to do much to get me to fall for him?

Hopeless romantic,

Dana

Reply March 19, 2013, 10:35 am

Kelly

I really loved this whole article as it definitely gave a new perspective into what universally can win a dude over just by being interested in his likes and why he likes them.

The thing that always confuses me is I feel I am a type of girl alot of guys like, and i have been told that from the guys that never ask me out because I seem out of their league. And the guys I am interested in i tend to put it all out there. I just want a clear vision on how you make yourself more “marketable” to be asked out and to be a “prize”. I feel like I’ve been told I am a prize but why is nobody going for me if i seem out of their league?

Reply March 18, 2013, 4:12 pm

Bea

Finally i got the validation that “men loves the chase” is a misleading advise and a manipulative act.You are right Eric, all other dating gurus out there says the same thing and you are the only one who has the balls to say the truth! Congrats!

Reply March 18, 2013, 11:54 am

Laura

Hi Eric, thanks for a great article. I have a question, how do I get my guy to act lovey dovey like at the beginning of the relationship? He doesnt buy me gifts anymore and I feel like am losing his attention. He texts me when he’s bored, like late at night when he has insomnia or when he’s stuck in traffic. What can i do to reverse this?

Reply March 16, 2013, 10:32 am

courtney

I’m not Eric but I see how it works now, unfortunately. This is the sad part where you get to start playing games to rouse his interest again. He wants to meet on Thursday? Have other plans, even if it’s just to stay in and take a bath (rather than having amazing sex because you’re finally feeling connected and relaxed at the same time he’s checking out of the relationship because you’re too available…lame, I know.) That piques his interest, when you’re not available. That silly chase..

I guess to make it real and meaningful for you, and less of a childish game, start booking stuff for you w/o checking in w/ him. If he’s bored with you, go take care of you. Take classes, yoga, hang w/ friends, or if it suits you try something like salsa or ballroom dancing, his ears will perk right up w/ another mans arms around your waist. And it’s probably healthier than sitting around irritated and pretending to be busy. Oh, and never, ever drop your plans for him unless he’s in the hospital.

They want us to act like guys…so act like a guy and “forget” about him when he’s not in sight. Women have always been the accommodating sex, why stop now, right ;)

Reply March 16, 2013, 4:49 pm

vsweetiepie

i love the whole idea of what u wrote eric charles, an what i just want to know is that if i am living in another country an my prince charming is living in the usa, an he wants me to be his long term partner more in terms of being his wife, he could have any woman he wants because lots of women throw themselves on him but he chose me an it is probably because i am doing something right that he likes that makes me different to the women he have dated, he now wants a wife to come home to, a wife to take care of our kids, an stay at home mom, great sex an good cook so far he loves what he sees in me as a unique prize to him, because i live in the caribbean i am indian an he is white guy, i want to know if i should allow him to buy me the plane tickets as a means of having him know he is doing something to get me, or should i just get myself there an start our life because he will be the one responsible for me financially as his woman an his wife to take care of, i love him dearly i can have lots of hot men if i want but i to chose him an he knows that too, we do share lots of things in common even though we are worlds apart because i look at all his likes on facebook, i can adjust to anyone because i explore everything, this world has to offer that a guy would possibly like i seem to see everything in this perspective to take an interest merely because i want to learn about anything new.

Reply March 16, 2013, 6:11 am

fatma

I totally agree with the know what he likes part..
I mean me too I enjoy watching a movie that I already watched but with someone new..
Its like seeing it through their eyes & getting to hear their thoughts aboutvit always makes me happy!
So I think this point works for both sexes..

About being attractive & my value in the market. .Its a good point too..
I just learned from all the help u gave me & all the articles I read before that one could be doing everything right..but still of he doesn’t see u or want to be with u then that’s that..
The most important trick to learn is be your best self for urself first..& also to attract good guys but if he didn’t like u or treat u the way u like..u should know when to walk out with no hard feelings..

Thanks a lot eric!

Reply March 16, 2013, 5:23 am

Abigail Mensah

hi,read ur article,luved it,bt honestly i am convinced thur isnt a man out thur for me no matter how hard i try…mayb u might say i shd take a look at maself nd ask y men cant b with me?bt is it wrong for me to want a guy to do the ryt thing?calling,nd jx mkin me feel like i mean sumfin to him,iv been thru soo many hrtbrks wif guys,nd i hate maself soo much cos am soo emotional nd it gets to me soo much,i wil admit i cum off as needy sumtyms,bt dats jx cos i hate being lonely,so wen am datin i put in everyfin,pls help me. i knw i need to value maself more bt to me its kinda hard to do wen it jx feels like no man wants to b wif me,thnk u

Reply March 16, 2013, 5:16 am

Ms. Unlucky

I am always on your site! keep these great advice going! <3 the emails as well

Reply March 16, 2013, 3:25 am

Bao

Great article!! Love it!! Know I understand. My boyfriend loves playing zombie games and I hate zombies because they’re scary :/. He knows I hate zombies but I played the shooting zombie games with him because I know he really enjoys having me play the games with him even though I suck at it.

Reply March 16, 2013, 1:58 am

Girl

Wow, I think this article is great. I still remember how one guy broke up with me because he said he doesn’t feel understood. But he had so many hobbies, I couldn’t keep up and he wasn’t really interested in sex as much as I was. Maybe we just were not a good match.
I would like to ask you about market value. Since I started taking better care of myself and dressing sexy, feeling confident, etc. I finally found out what it is like to be a woman who is in demand. Plus I’m living in a country where I am seen as exotic so I constantly get attention from guys. This is very new to me and I think I can’t deal with it properly. I really don’t know what to do when two guys are hitting on me at the same time. There was one guy I really liked but I think he was irritated by all the guys that come to talk to me in the club, by the friends who text me, etc. Maybe it looked to him as if I like playing with men but I just really have no idea what to do. I hate being rude. So how to deal with the men I don’t particularly like and how to choose the best guy? Too much choice is flattering but confusing. How to cut off a guy who doesn’t measure up but he is kind and has invested a lot. I hate hurting people. How not to look as if I’m searching for attention?

Reply March 15, 2013, 9:47 pm

Eric Charles

You know the truth for yourself – don’t bother getting hung up on how other people might misinterpret you.

If your intentions are good, then that’s all you need to concern yourself with.

Just talk to women you know about how they turn down attention they don’t want from guys. Obviously don’t ask a girl who doesn’t have this problem or you’ll probably make her annoyed. ;)

Reply March 15, 2013, 10:15 pm

Girl

don’t bother getting hung up on how other people might misinterpret you – wow, that’s really good advice!!! I should constantly remind myself of it. But to be honest, I feel I’m becoming addicted to the attention and at the same time I feel bad and guilt about it. Do I have to stop thinking how not to hurt a strange guy’s feelings? Do you think I shouldn’t try to please and be kind to everyone but to cut them off if they don’t measure up? Isn’t that bitchy? I sometimes find myself giving my number to guys just not to hurt them and to get rid of them. Is it better to just say no? I find it extremely difficult.
Is it wrong to flirt with several guys at the same time? I feel guilty but I want to keep my options open as you say. And maybe I like to feel wanted. Is that wrong? Is this just feeding my ego? Or is it a normal thing for an attractive woman to do?

Reply March 15, 2013, 10:45 pm

courtney

Finally some clarification on the ‘chase’ thing. I’ve been scratching my head asking WHY, if a man doesn’t want a woman who plays games, does he want her to play hard to get?? A huge thank you for that.

I think I see the ultimate dilemma. Women want relationships more than men. And the one who wants it more has to do more work, has to change more. Like Alison Armstrong says ‘men are not hairy women’ – and so women have to teach themselves to relate to men differently. The nuance here is that men fail to really get that women are not hairless men. Men at the deepest level have to choose who they want to be with after they get their act together in life, that’s how they roll. And so they do what Alison accuses women of – the believe women are ‘men with boobs and a receptacle’ and therefore must _choose_ him, otherwise he won’t respect her. So if he’s ‘worthy’ and she’s a catch, then he wins in the eyes of his buddies and therefore his own eyes.

So all the relationship angst in the world boils down to men having to peacock and one-up their buddies.

Nice.

Reply March 15, 2013, 9:38 pm

Eric Charles

Men want a relationship with one special girl. The thing is, she has to be the right girl.

It’s not that men don’t want a relationship or that women want a relationship more than men. It’s that men are way more picky when it comes to who they’ll choose as their relationship partner.

The only time where this isn’t the case is when the guy believes he has no choice to begin with and settles for the one girl who showed any interest.

If a guy has the power to choose, he’ll choose the absolute best woman he can. The more women he has experience with, the more he’ll know what type of woman really is the “best”.

And the best woman, as he sees it, is the woman I described in this article.

I do agree that in relationships, the one who wants it more has to do the work. However, good and healthy relationships typically have two people who are equally “into it” – they might not start out this way immediately, but they arrive at this point relatively quickly.

Within that healthy and good relationship, though, there will be areas here and there where one person cares more than the other about a particular thing and therefore ends up being the one who has to put in the work in that area. That’s life though – if you want something, you have to put in the work (in the right places, in an effective way).

Haha… I liked the comment about “hairless men”. Yes, I think our culture as a whole would do well to massively evolve our understanding of the opposite sex, whether we are a man or a woman. We collectively have a long way to go and, frankly, we’re all in this together. Writing about it is me doing my best to help things along…

I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s about winning in the eyes of his buddies as his motivating factor. I think it’s about tapping into a man’s innate nature to strive to “win”, not to “relate”.

I don’t see it as something bad – I see recognizing a gender’s innate nature as deeply respectful and loving.

We’re able to love a dog’s nature of being a dog and a cat’s nature of being a cat… yet we struggle to love a man’s nature of being a man and a woman’s nature of being a woman.

If we want love, we would do well to love the nature of what it is we supposedly “love”.

Reply March 15, 2013, 10:09 pm

courtney

I appreciate your candid and very thoughtful posts. You dig deep and don’t run away from what’s there, like most of us. Also that you call bs when you see it (but gently). I find it all refreshing, healing, and it inspires hope that there are maybe some men out there who aren’t immature, selfish, and neurotic.

After a year and a half of hearing lies, just being told “what you want to hear” it’s so nice to get feedback. Honesty is what I wanted all along, honesty is workable whereas lies and thin air just increase anxiety (and the recent ex’s hidden drug addiction w/ all the manipulation and fun that comes in that package).

When we would finally talk, I’d share that I wanted the truth regardless of if he thought it will hurt my feelings, that I’m a big girl, they’re my feelings, and he can’t control them anyway. But I was a bit out of his league to begin with and was trying to “manage” my perception of him and boy did that backfire. It also says something about me that I talked myself out of my inutition, letting the manipulation of an addict play my growing insecurities. Chemistry truly is just anxiety in a mask.

Final thought – it has only been through meditation practice and study that I finally see how much people don’t truly *see* one another. I see how people (and myself) only have their intense, grasping projections of the other playing on their mental movie screen. People devote their entire lives to the practice of asking their “me, mine, I” to step aside and just be with another human just as they are. What you ask in this post is to try to drop “you” and really look at your man. This is one post I’ve bookmarked for future reminders.

Reply March 16, 2013, 2:30 am

Mrs Apollo

That comment was better than the article. You are amazing Mr Charles, well your dating advice is anyway.

Reply March 17, 2013, 7:35 pm

Kate

Awesome article, I loved it!

Question: Is it possible for a guy to tell if a girl doesn’t like something he’s into?

Reply March 15, 2013, 8:06 pm

Eric Charles

Yeah, a guy can definitely tell if a girl’s not into what he’s into… since she shows no interest in it.

However, I think you might be driving at: Could a woman “fake it” – could she act like she’s interested when she’s really not?

And the answer is: Yes, she could, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

For example, if you act like you love Star Wars because he does, be prepared to spend a weekend watching all six movies back to back then discussing it, then watching it every Christmas into eternity.

That’s fine if you actually love Star Wars too… and probably unbearable if you don’t actually love it.

Worse, if he “catches” you, it will be crushing to him. He’ll feel deeply betrayed emotionally – it might sound silly, but this type of thing is a major contributor to whether or not he sees a girl as a girlfriend/wifey type or not: Does she mix with his core self or not?

The key here: The best way to reconcile this is that you’re not interested in the *things* he’s interested in, but in the man himself – you’re interested in his emotions, his passion and how he engages with the world. You’re interested in his experience of things, not the things themselves.

Reply March 15, 2013, 8:09 pm

Michelle

Liked the article. Having stuff in common with a guy you are interested is a good thing. But faking to like the things he likes will show after awhile. Prize to be won is correct but not all woman have multiple guys asking them out nor do they have time to play any type of game pretending they do. Some woman know what they want and go after it.

Like your work. Keep it up!

Reply March 15, 2013, 7:54 pm

Eric Charles

Yeah I don’t recommend “faking it” – life’s too short, why not just find a compatible person? Or at least, find the most compatible parts of the man they’re in a relationship with and put all the focus there?

Really, it’s about being interested in him and his emotional experience – you can love his passion for cars without necessarily loving cars themselves. That’s the trick. ;)

As for the market value point you brought up, yes, I agree. It’s not about actually going around and making yourself an item on the dating market. It’s about how you engage with the world and remembering the truth: that you really ARE choosing to be in your relationship every single day.

Just that realization alone is powerful.

Glad you like my articles. I appreciate it.

Reply March 15, 2013, 8:13 pm

Jade

I love this! Very insightful!!

My boyfriend definitely used to try and “earn” me constantly, but I feel he’s got a bit lazy, what can I do to kick start that attitude or raise my perceived value?

Reply March 15, 2013, 7:48 pm

Eric Charles

Return to the “you” that you were at the beginning of the relationship.

It’s been said that men fall in love with a girl hoping she’ll never change and women fall in love with a man hoping he will.

That’s mainly said as a joke, but there’s some truth to that.

At the beginning of the relationship, we put our best self out there. The focus isn’t on worry and fear of loss – it’s on our excitement to learn and experience the other person. At the same time, we see ourselves as single until we’re locked down…

Problem is, there is no such thing as “locked down”… the idea of being “locked down” suggests that a relationship isn’t constantly moving, constantly changing… it suggests a state of permanence when relationships are living and a constant choice.

The kickstart comes from getting your market value as high as possible (as if you were single) and being finding that place of curiosity and appreciation for him as a man.

Even within a relationship, men still feel like they need to wear their “game face” and hide their emotions. Being his emotional safe-haven is tremendously valuable to a man in relationship.

The tricky part is that you need to be able to listen to what he has to say without reacting to it with some negative feeling – like anger or fear or sadness or worry, etc. This is incredibly challenging, but the reality is that relationships are the best place to work on being better at handling challenging emotions.

So in a sense, this is a great area to learn and grow while simultaneously growing the bond within your relationship.

When a man feels like you truly understand him and you can be his partner even in the places that are emotional tough for him, you’ll be a partner to him in a way that nobody else in the world is.

Reply March 15, 2013, 8:21 pm

Jade

Excellent advice, thank you so much :)

Reply March 15, 2013, 9:13 pm

David

This article is very accurate. Spot on actually.

As a guy I’ve dated all different kinds of women and it wasn’t the hottest or skinniest or prettiest girls that made the biggest impression on me. The ones that I was excited about were the ones that did exactly what you wrote about. They reached me on a personal level.

Great article man, glad you’re putting this kind of thing out there.

Reply March 15, 2013, 7:28 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks man.

Reply March 15, 2013, 8:22 pm

Theresa

Wow, David, it is great to see that guys are interested in these types of articles! Most of all, I am happy to hear the women who made the best impression in your dating life have been what Eric describes.

I think more women need to hear such testimony because of the immense pressures on women to look and be a certain way. It is important for women to love their selves and love who they are–regardless of what the media may portray as the perfect muse. A woman loving and accepting herself is fundamental to the beginning of loving someone else.

Reply March 15, 2013, 8:57 pm

Jen

omg!! great article eric. yes so true, my boyfriend said he fell in love with me when he found out that fight club was my favorite movie. i thought he was joking but he was kind of serious i think. hehe

Reply March 15, 2013, 7:21 pm

Eric Charles

Haha… one of my favorites too. And he probably was serious. ;)

Reply March 15, 2013, 8:22 pm

Cora

I have heard that men prefer women with long brown hair and the smell of vanilla perfume. Is that true?

Reply March 15, 2013, 7:19 pm

Eric Charles

I wouldn’t get hung up on men preferring any one particular type of anything.

Most magazines are filled with crap like that because they want to sell brown hair dye and vanilla scented perfume.

Men like women – period. And the best kind of woman? A happy woman that loves her life and loves her self.

Reply March 15, 2013, 8:24 pm

Edwina

Hi Eric,

I love this article, it explains most of my questions about my boyfriend, however I have a question If a he wants to secure me so much because of the good in me than at the beginning of the relationship.

Why does he lie to secure a female? I really don’t understand that part. If you are honest and genuine to someone they should not lie to win you over.

Anyway I would like to say thank you for your articles they really helped me understand the questions that I had about my boyfriend and the reason behind his behavior.

One more question, at times I get frustrated when we plan something and he comes up with excuses.

Than I text him back and tell him not to ask me for help anymore when his in need and he quickly replies and explains why he can’t make it.

Reply March 27, 2014, 3:38 am

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