How To Make Men Chase You Without Playing Games (And Why It’s So Important) post image

How To Make Men Chase You Without Playing Games (And Why It’s So Important)


Even with all we know about relationships these days, there seems to be a lot of confusion when it comes to the “chase” and how that differs from “playing games.” There also seems to be dissent regarding whether or not this chase is necessary or obsolete and how to do it right. Well confusion be gone, it’s time to end the debate once and for all. Yes, the chase is important, no it’s not the same as playing games and there is one basic principle you need to know to understand how it’s done.

Back in the ’90s, a book came along that revolutionized the dating world. Even if you’ve never read it (which I personally haven’t) you’ve heard about it and you know its contents well. It was called “The Rules” and it was hailed as the ultimate guide to getting a guy, preferably with engagement ring in hand.

The book was filled with all sorts of silly rules (as the title aptly suggests): always end the date first, don’t accept a Saturday date if he asks after Wednesday, wait at least three dates before having sex and on and on. This book divided the female population into two groups: those who lived by it (dubbed Rules Girls) and those who wanted to see it burned and never spoken of again. (Side Note: We just released our own book with answers to all your burning relationship questions: “He’s Not That Complicated: How to Crack a Man’s Romantic Code to Get the Relationship You Want.” )

Years after the Rules craze, there was a major backlash against game playing. Adding fuel to the fire were the countless guys who came forward to declare how much they detest game playing. Suddenly, being branded a game player became the ultimate insult. Call me a slut call me a bitch, anything but a game player!

As a result, being open and honest with your feelings became all the rage. You like a guy? Tell him! Be forward, go hit on that guy at the bar, take a man out to dinner and foot the entire bill! How liberating is THIS!

That was all well and good but you know what happened? All those men blabbering on about their hatred of “games” found themselves with a case of foot-in-mouth. Their only motivation for removing said foot was to run away from their girlfriends and their new-found penchants for laying it all out on the table.

While not as intense as it was years ago, the game-playing backlash is still present.  I see readers lashing out in comments and responding angrily to my emails on the Dating Decoder list any time Eric or I indicate  altering a behavior in order to have greater success in a relationship. (Now mind you, by altering a behavior we mean not waiting by the phone for him to call and not canceling plans when he decides he wants to see you, not making your life all about him.)

Please don’t yell at me, just listen when I say there is a middle ground between manipulating your behavior to land a man and being open and available to the point of transparency. (Just to set the record straight, I certainly am not a “Rules Girl,” I’m a “be a confident, independent, happy with him or without him kind of girl” girl. The problem with following a set of rules is you can’t keep up the charade forever and eventually your true self will be revealed.)

I know women don’t like to hear this, but men love a challenge. Plain and simple. You’re not playing games by making him pursue you. You’re forcing him to realize your value. Everyone values that which they have to work hard to achieve, that is a known fact that applies to all areas of life.

When I was 14 years old I used the money I had saved up over the years from babysitting to buy my first Fendi bag. I will never forget the sheer exhilaration I felt when I was able to afford that beautiful hand-stitched baguette. To this day it remains one of my most prized possessions.

Now on my 19th birthday (or 20th or 21st even, I can’t even remember!) my mom bought me a Christian Dior handbag. It was an unbelievably generous gift that certainly took me by elated surprise. That bag was just as stunning as my dear Fendi and was worth about the same or more. While I love that bag dearly, it will never hold the same place in my heart.

When we invest in something, we value it more. When you bend over backwards to please a man, you’re not really placing a high value on yourself and he doesn’t really have to do much work to land you.

When a guy has you, and gets to keep you without really putting in much effort, your stock inevitably goes down in his mind. You aren’t a Fendi bag on display at a fancy boutique, you’re a Fendi bag being sold for a mere $5 on Ebay. At this point, you may notice that he starts pulling away until he eventually pulls a swift Houdini on you, vanishing into the abyss without even uttering abracadabra to give you some warning!

While guys enjoy the pursuit, they hate it when you act in a way that is deliberately trying to get them to chase you. That’s just manipulative and no one likes that. And to be clear, that is not what I’m talking about here.

I am not saying get him to pursue you by acting unavailable, I’m saying actually be unavailable. By that, I mean fill you life with fun, meaningful activities. And do not cancel any of these fun, meaningful activities just because he calls and wants to see you. When you have a fulfilling life of your own that exists completely separate from him, you will automatically be seen as having great value.

When your happiness is rooted in all sorts of things, not just him, you will never have to watch what you say or do for fear of coming off as needy because you will never be needy.

MORE: A Guy’s Take on Neediness

I met this guy a while ago, let’s call him C. He was a bartender at a restaurant I used to frequent and after several flirty exchanges, he finally asked for my number. On the night of our first date, I had to delay our meeting time by a few hours because I forgot I was supposed to be having dinner with some friends. When I eventually met up with C at the bar,  the first things he said after our friendly hellos and my apology for changing things around last minute was: “I like that you didn’t cancel on your friends. It shows a lot about you and made me even more excited to see you.”

Since C and I lived somewhat of a distance away (maybe about 40 mins) I went out of my way to see him when it was convenient for him. There were forces working against us and I didn’t want to make things worse by being unaccommodating. My schedule was more flexible than his so it made sense that I should work around his schedule, right?

While in theory that makes sense, in reality C started pulling away more and more. The amount of calls and texts declined….he was always “too busy” to hang out…he stopped initiating contact  (but would always respond when I reached out to him, acting nice and normal like always)….Eventually I stop reaching out because it’s starting to make me feel like an idiot…he is never to be heard from again.

I’ve dated many more blokes since C and let me tell you, whenever I’ve been overly available I went through that same cycle. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If this is true, those men in the white coats should have been on me like white on rice.

It took a long time, and a ton of heartache, but I have finally learned my lesson and I’m here to spread the gospel! These days I never, ever, prioritize a new guy over my life. I won’t even prioritize a new guy over a new episode of Glee! If a guy can’t see me when I’m available, he doesn’t … [Click here to keep reading...]

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Monica October 14, 2013, 3:31 pm

I just moved to a new place and haven’t yet made many friends or joined “fun, meaningful activities…” The guy I’ve been seeing is pretty popular, involved in a couple groups on campus, and has a bunch of friends since he lives in the dorms at uni. I think it’s pretty obvious to both him and I that I’m much less busy than him, but I still don’t like that we now go a day without talking whereas in the beginning he texted often and initiated more. I don’t have much time to join groups since right now I’m just trying to catch up on coursework, and the few friends I do have are more busy than I am and don’t have much time to hang. He texted me Friday night to see if I wanted to study Saturday, and as much as I felt disrespected that he asked so last-minute, I hadn’t seen him since Monday and I was free so I accepted. It doesn’t help that the uni is about 30 min away from where I live, so technically it’s me going out of my way. What do I do? I don’t want to be taken advantage of, and I don’t want to cut him off either, but I sense the imbalance.

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Leah September 3, 2013, 7:51 am

I’m a single mom and full-time special education teacher. During the school year, I honestly don’t have time to date. If I want to date, I have to carve time out to do it. I have to get a sitter for my kids because they are only with their dad a few weekends a month. How can a relationship be formed only seeing someone a couple times a month? If I don’t “alter” my schedule, I won’t be available at all during the week. Is that seen as invaluable? Obviously it hasn’t worked yet or I wouldn’t still be single, but it doesn’t make sense to me that I should see someone so infrequently when I would like to form a relationship. Won’t he get frustrated with the lack of time I have?

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kofybean August 27, 2013, 2:15 pm

Horrible advice. The main assumption is that all men have the same value system. In the arcade, some games cost 25 cents, some a dollar, others two dollars. Charging more for a game doesn’t make it more valuable, fun, or interesting. You put in however many quarters it takes to play, but no one likes a 2 dollar game just because they paid more for it. If anything, it backfires. I’ve slept with girls for the first time after knowing them for 2, 4, and even 8 years. It didn’t suddenly make me say, “wow I totally want to marry this girl now.” Her value didn’t suddenly increase, what kind of economic system are you selling here?

This article is absurd. And for the record I’m STILL with the girl I slept with on the first date. And the girl I slept with after waiting 8 years, to my knowledge, is still single.

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Sabrina Alexis August 27, 2013, 6:24 pm

You seem to have grossly misunderstood the article. Or maybe you have some sort of filter system that allowed you to only pick out certain pieces of the article and totally ignore the rest. This article was not about holding out for the sake of holding out, nor was it saying that more expensive = better. The point was we value that which we have to EARN. We earn things when we value them and NO ONE values that which is readily available, that’s just a law of human nature. You don’t value that which comes easy and without any effort.

I don’t know the details about you and your girl, but I’m going to assume there was some level of investment or interest that went beyond attraction that existed before you slept together. If a girl wants to sleep with a guy on the first night, that’s all well and good. If she wants to be sure he won’t pull a vanishing act on her, then she would be wise to make sure he is invested in her in some way.

Men don’t value what they perceive is readily and easily available to all other men… if she sleeps with a man on the first date, but he perceives it’s because they’re an amazing amazing match for one another and she’d be impossible for other guys to get… the value is still perceived. (The “investment” here is that he’s invested in being that type of guy his whole life, which is what makes him the perfect key to gaining sexual access to her whereas no other man could get that access… he is able to win because they’re an amazing match for each other and his strengths and best qualities earned her, not because she’s needy, easy or places a low value on herself.)

However, if she sleeps with him on the first date and he walks away with the perception that any guy could have done it, then the value is lost…

So it’s not about length of time to sleeping together, it’s about her perceived market value

And the overall message of this article is to be a confident, independent woman who loves herself and loves her life so much that she won’t bend over backwards to get a man and degrade herself. But yeah, call me “absurd” if you’d like, I suppose that is a pretty radical idea to put out there!

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Missy July 30, 2013, 6:28 pm

Great article!! This is so true because I have had to just back away from texting and calling guys who I felt wasn’t putting in the work. Once you leave them alone and continue on with your life, here they come…

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Cdub June 3, 2013, 2:21 pm

Hi Ladies! I know I’m commenting late in the game, but I found this article helpful and it comforts me to know that so many other women have struggled with this difficulty. Do you think it is possible to reverse the problem before they have lost all interest? I am very into this man and he shows me alot of interest, although I am always coming over to his side of town to see him. It is really becuase i like the places to eat more where he lives then the places by my house…. but I realize to him it looks like I am always coming to him and not the other way around. He has been too busy to see me lately. I asked him to find time to come see me at my house. He hasnt made the effort. So I him that he needs to find the time and make the effort if he is interested. Do you think he will come around or have I lost this one forever?

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Michaela May 29, 2013, 1:33 pm

I am a teenager. I am completely and madly in love with a guy who I had a thing with, but it sort of ended. Now each time this guy and his brother (he has a twin brother) see me randomly passing by, they either both eye me a lot, either they follow after me, either the twin I’m into stares at me as if he’s going to cry. I don’t get it.
I’m going to dazzle him with my dashing appearance this Friday, using each technique you’ve suggested.

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Antara May 4, 2013, 1:33 pm

I really loved this article and I truly appreciate the efforts taken to share these useful information with all of us. I needed these tips too as like many women, even I have come across a couple of Mr.Cs when I realized something which I was doing was faulty. I was also unable to differentiate between the concepts of ‘playing games’ and ‘being valuable’. Thanks to you, I now get the point and how I can make things work better. Lots of best wishes to you..

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Carla February 15, 2013, 1:30 pm

The part about dating “C” and always driving to him, when it was convenient for him made me ponder something that maybe you guys can help me interpret. I’ve been seeing a guy for almost 5 month now myself, and about 2 months after we began dating he had a car accident and ended up losing his license for a few months. It was a dumb mistake, and he knows that, so that is not the issue. I noticed though, that after this he has gradually become more distant, increasingly so in the last few weeks. There could be a million issues at play here, but I’m wondering if the issue of me having to pick him up and drop him off in order to see him is hindering my “value” since I have to do more work. Before this incident, he was the one driving to me 100% of the time, so this obviously changed things. He still makes the most effort possible in that he takes a bus when he comes to see me, but its not close enough to walk and I still end up going to pick him up, and dropping him off myself. Not to mention the fact that I now have to drive us everywhere when we go out, since he no longer has the license. Do you think this change (although inevitable… I mean, I can’t tell him to take a cab for the 5 minute drive from the bus station?) could have caused this change in behavior by forcing me to take over more effort?

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Luke March 12, 2014, 3:03 am

That’s not necessarily the case, like any kind of advice this article simplifies things and generalizes a lot, but not all men are the same.

One thing you haven’t considered is that his pride could be damaged by needing a woman’s help, he may think that by having you pick him up he is becoming a burden, not a dependable man deserving of respect.
If he’s sensing that he’s become a burden, he might be pulling away to protect his ego, in fact I think that’s a far more likely reason.

Basically he feels emasculated, short of just waiting for him to get his licence back you need to think of an activity you can do together that will make him feel confident about himself.

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Christy December 19, 2012, 2:06 pm

Such a smart and wise lady!

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Niki December 4, 2012, 3:43 am

This is so true and i have observed it . I m working on it, i have kept myself busy, independent , and tats keeping away from being needy . I m feeling so good, relief and confident about myself . I love this article, its really helpful. Thanx

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lea November 16, 2012, 9:45 am

I find this polor opposite of theis CRAZY>> DOC LOVE on Ask men.com
He tell s men that she should chase him and that he can only see her on weekdays and if she doesnt allow it its a RED flag!!! SHE,.. should request to meeet with him on the weekends.He says every women automatically knows you like her FALSE!!!!
This man Doc Love is screwing up men so badly. I wonder if he has ever had a 18 yr wonderful relationship with any woman as i just had before my fiance died!

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Anais December 28, 2012, 3:05 pm

Yeah Lea, he is helping to screw men up. these strategies that men are being taught to have women chase them is really annoying and it’s screwing up the courtship process. things like what you shared here and other pick up tactics. When a man knows a woman is “into him” before he is really into her, it makes him lose interest and maybe just want her around for sex. So if she continues to make plans with him, he might show up if there’s nothing else going on but it isn’t because he wants to be with her. Men themselves will deny this but I can speak from my experiences and others that it’s true. If all women would stop falling for this stuff, then men would stop trying it too. If they want to be around, they cave in and become the pursuer when they see we are not going to do anything.

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Lily November 11, 2012, 1:18 pm

This really is so true, I’ve been in nearly the same situation. He was my first boyfriend and I really really care about him, but i made the mistake of always being too available and trying to talk to him every day, see him at least twice a week etc. And I told him how strongly i felt after only 3 weeks, 5 days later he broke up with me. Looking back i can see why that was a huge mistake and i feel like if i had been more careful we might still be together because at the beginning he was always making a big effort to see me and i know he cares about me, we are still close friends. But at the time i felt that such strong emotion couldn’t be one sided, he had to feel it too so why shouldn’t i tell him?
I can see where i went wrong now and i really wish i could have second chance and i wouldn’t make the same mistakes. Is there any way I can get him back??

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Anais December 28, 2012, 3:09 pm

“we are still close friends” I’d say stop being one of his close friends. Don’t cut him out entirely and become cold, but become less available and be open to dating other guys. Eric talks about getting out of the friendzone somewhere on this blog with this type of advice in more detail.

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Helena October 29, 2012, 10:19 am

This is so true but so hard to do. I am in a similar situation.
About half a year ago I met thist guy and we seem to have a good time. When I met him he seemed veru closed up and was always saying stuff like I don’t need to get serious and that he’s totally fine if his girl wanted to sleep with other people.
Yet, he told me his goal was to settle down with someone eventually and have kids. At first, I thought he was just saying these things so that I would stick around with him. His way of getting sex maybe? I didn’t care too much about what he said at first and was just enjoying his company.
We got quite sexual soon after we started dating. We weren’t anything official at first and I wanted to be patient with him. Like I didn’t want to ask him to be my bf right after we had sex. He was still chasing me and doing what ever I want and worked around my schedule. We went on like that for another month and then one day he told me he really liked me. I thought that meant he wanted to get serious. To me, he didn’t really need to say it because I was sleeping with him anyways, that’s why I thought he was being genuine. We rolled on like that for a few more months. We became more official. We appear as a couple in front of my and his friends. I saw his parents but rather unofficially. They know we’re dating though. The problem is, after say roughly 3 months of dating, he rarely makes plans with me anymore. It was summer and I didn’t have school so I drove to his place all the time. I didn’t want to play games and would just let him know I wanted to see him. He agreed and almost never said no to whatever I wanted to do. Recently, about a month ago, he became extremely distant. I was always the one to text him but he would either not reply or have single worded half assed responses.
It went to the point where I don’t want to carry on like that anymore. back then I haven’t read this article and I didn’t want to make myself unavailable. I always had him as my priority. I wanted to at least see him once a week. But what’s wrong with wanting to see someone I like?
So evetually I had a talk with him. I told him this is not soemthing that I want. I feel like he doesn’t care and it breaks my heart to think that after all those good times, he might still find me like a fwb. I told him explicitly in the past that I don’t want fwb. Been there, done that and hated it. I want to feel loved and valued. Not some F buddy.

After telling him how I feel he said he really valued our relationship and that he wanted things to work out. He said he was serious when he said he wanted to settle down eventually and said he wanted to work things out with me. He mentiond that he’s sorry for not being as atentive as he should be. I understand that once he got me he wouldn’t work as hard. I don’t mind that. It’s tiring for him to always try to impress me. But there was completely nothing for awhile that’ why I had to bitch about it.
So after the apology and what not, he stepped up his game. Asked me out the very next day. Even better, he freaking bought me a trip for the long weekend for my birthday. It was an expensive gift. During the trip he’ll be covering everything too so I’m super excited. He said it’s my bday gift plus he wanted to say thank you to my effort in keeping this relationship together. He’s glad I make it so drama free and that I talk so openly with him. He also met my parents officially. And I met his whole family as well.

So i want to say it’s not necessary to keep my distance. I got my message across. He understood and uped his game. However, he’s been quiet recently again. I’m still always the one to message him. I don’t know if I should quiet down a bit and let him chase me. I\m not sure if this is even necessary. So he’s out of town. Messaging him and getting a reply from him is a pain in the butt. When he’s back I wanted to see him but I don’t know if I should still play it cool and let him come get me. He’s made a few plans with me lately. I feel like it’s ok if I make myself available and just driv to his place sometimes. It takes 2 to make a relationship work right?

Let me know what you guys think!!!

BTW: this guys is so mind boggling sometimes. I think about him way too much, it’s not even sexy anymore. First bf, what can I say.

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John October 24, 2012, 1:46 am

Hi all,

I’m not going to write lots here but I had to add my comment having just read this article. As a 34 year old single man that would really love to meet a woman and settle down properly but is really struggling to just get so much as a date, all these games, rules and conspiracies are just doing one thing… Ruining dating and the chances for everyone. One day it would be nice if there was just some scope for serious one-to-one openess and honesty. And yes, I DO expect to get laughed off the website for proposing such an absurd thing because I know it will never change.

Thanks, John.

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Hayley November 22, 2012, 5:21 am

Wow, ABSOLUTELY!! I am a 32 year old woman and I couldn’t agree more! If people were just upfront about what they want, need, like, dislike etc. the world of dating would be so much easier. No games please, life is far too short!

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Darla October 17, 2012, 6:37 am

Question. I’m dating a guy that lives about 40 min away. He also works a lot and sometimes till 9-10pm or later. On his days off , he doesn’t initiate hanging out but texts me quite often. How do I pull off this not making myself available thing without never really being able to see him? We don’t have the same days off and it’s hard to see him in the first place! I’ll of course go to him since we normally hangout after he gets off work. How do I still make myself I priority to him without him thinking I just don’t care? He’ll ask questions like if I miss him or say if I go to a store he’ll ask if I got him a surprise or something. I sometimes wonder if he’s waiting for me to ask when we are hanging out. I’ll be going out of town for a couple days and he asks if he’ll see me before then… I just don’t know what’s going on here.

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jahmila October 16, 2012, 4:37 pm

sabrina, girl you just saved a life.

:)

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Ana October 12, 2012, 2:09 am

I have a question – Shouldn’t you know what you want from a relationship before getting involved with someone? Shouldn’t you find out the expectations from him too? As I’m reading some of the postings so many ladies mention that the guy tells them right out that they are not looking for anything serious then they get upset to find out that the man means what he says. If she’s looking for a commited relationship and he isn’t, why is she bothering? Wouldn’t it be better to find someone who wants the same thing too? Just because both of you want the same thing doesn’t mean it’s written in stone that the relationship will be a success but at least both parties will be open to the possibility that it could turn serious and give it their best, fair, honest shot, to make it happen. Just my two cents.

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mary susan October 10, 2012, 5:53 pm

This discussion is awesome.

Used MoxyMatch website and found the best match of my life.

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fabricia nalanda da nobrega September 22, 2012, 7:08 pm

eiso e chato

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Jenny August 28, 2012, 10:22 am

Love this! It is alll so true! I have been dealing with a guy who I actually would go back and forth with..I made him chase me yes but when he got me it was done, but even after that I was not always available to him however he still played me like he thought I would always be there. Like I was not a prize but an option. I finally had enough and deleted his number blocked him on FB and completely ignore him..he has texted me everyday since this asking if I’m mad at him. I still just ignore. I am a prize and he is a dummy for not seeing that. His problem not mine and I don’t feel, yet, I owe him any kind of explanation for my disappearance.

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Brenda August 27, 2012, 3:27 am

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months (this being the second month) and so far things have been good. We have known each other for about 5 to 6 years and just recently start seeing each other. We both have been in a long relationships and even engaged, his fiance of 4 years broke it off about a 2 years ago and have not seen each other within the 2 years abut still keep in-touch from time to time. I on the other hand broke my engagement of 6 years and am happier than I’ve ever been.
The thing is that i feel that he tends to compare me to his ex and keeps talking about her all the time. I really like him but i just can’t com-peat with his ex. he really loved her was ready to move to the uk to be with her and be a house husband and i know for a fact that, that would not make him happy. He’s the type of man that is a hard worker and likes to enjoy life. I’m not sure what to do. Please advice.

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lucey d August 15, 2012, 1:28 am

The only problem with this advice is that you could have the most fulfilling life in the world apart from him and if he is not ready to integrate in to your life or to even make a committment to get to know you, you are spinning your wheels… He could think you are the most valuable person on the planet but if he is not in a place of readiness, nothing you are or do can alter that

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Mikkel September 21, 2012, 9:19 pm

I’m a man, and for the most part this is pretty spot on. There’s a problem with this though. The effort should be both ways. Think about it like this for a minute; imagine you’re a game show and you have to maneuver through a maze to reach a prize at the other side. But, you have no clue what the prize could be or if you would like the prize on the other side. After a while, I would like to see that I am not going out of my way for someone who wouldn’t even consider to the same for me. It just seems a bit inconsiderate. Yes, make me work for your attention, but no one wants to be neglected – that’s just a turn off.

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Evelyn December 1, 2012, 8:44 am

Exactly. This is exactly what I wanted to say. I feel that the effort should be both ways! I agree with Sabrina for the most part except the bit where she recommends the guy should see the girl only when SHE is available, otherwise he has to alter his schedule. I’m sorry, I find this to be very inconsiderate behaviour. I had a girlfriend who subscribed to this for 4 years and in the end the boyfriend (now ex) dumped her cause he felt he was never a priority in her life! No man wants to feel like he is chasing and chasing forever without getting anywhere. As for me, when I started dating my bf, I was more available than him (he was working, I was still in university), I did many things in my free time but whenever he was free, I will try to accomodate him – and I accomodated him way more than he did for me. But we are still together. And still value each other more than ever. In fact during those rather difficult times at the beginning, he was very apologetic about not spending much time with me, but still made the effort whenever he was free.

Effort goes both ways – and both parties need to want to make the relationship work.

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Laura August 14, 2012, 7:59 pm

So 4 weeks ago I ended a 1 year relationship with my ex, and almost immediately one of my friends has started calling me beautiful and telling me he loves me. It’s only been four weeks since my last relationship and it makes me feel bad, but I have a weird feeling that I’ve liked my ‘friend’ for a long time… I tell him I love him back – truthfully, but I’m so worried people will be saying things like he’s my rebound, and make him upset/distant from me. Me and my ‘friend’ have only just started to get close, but already I feel like I know him better than my ex… I just want to know if there’s any way that I can treat him or something I can do to him to convince him that he isn’t my rebound…

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Loo August 14, 2012, 4:59 am

There’s this guy I have been seing for a little a while and everything seems fine. I told him from the beginning that I wanted to start off by being friends and see where life takes us. To me it seemed like he had already tagged me as being his GIrlfriend when I didnt feel I was. Last week he asked permission to hang with the boys at club and i told him I didnt care because I wasn’t his gf . I geuss they didn’t leave until late and he passed out and didn’t show up to work. I asked one of the guys he was if they had fun and we ended up laughing and what happened. And I geuss “my guy” didnt like it too much and left me a hate message that made no sense at all!! He eventually apologized for what he said. For me usually talk to me the way he did in his message I’m done but for some reason I’m really hurt and I don’t know why. I ended up finally talking to him, and now I’m starting to regret it. I’m cool with us being like friends or more so acquaintances but as for a future relationship I don’t know if I can get passed the message! What should I do?? Was a mistake that I even talked to him to see why he sent the message. I just don’t know what to do

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Mariah August 8, 2012, 3:47 am

so i have been seeing this guy for about 2 or 3 months and hes talked about me meeting his mom and asking me what my dad would think about him and his tattoos. After we are done with “woohoo” lately hes been cuddling with me after. I want to have someones honest opinion because i have a feeling hes starting to like me but i could just be looking into things to much. He does text me and call me all of the time even just to talk, or when hes with friends he will tell me to come over or calls when hes drunk and at his sisters house so i’m sure his sister knows about us some what? But we have had basic coversations like the first time we did it i stayed and just talked with him for like 2 hours. Hes called me babe multiple times in text messages, and I just want to know what all of this stuff could mean so i don’t get attached if its nothing or i should start expressing my feelings. I have also said that to him that my friends think hes just using me and he said well isn’t that what WE both do so i don’t know what to think anymore. I just need a straight up answer

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Anais August 9, 2012, 12:35 pm

Hi Mariah from the sound of it he hasn’t asked you to be his girlfriend, has he? Does he take you out on dates or just call you when his friends are around or when he’s drunk? Men say all sort of things verbally and it doesn’t really mean anything.. I had a guy talk about me meeting his mom and it never happened; men show how they feel with their actions, not so much their words.

He’s not going to say straight out he’s just “using” you. Guys kinda just do what they want and they aren’t necessarily trying to hurt us but they will take what they can have. We women have a lot of power in making choices. So if you choose to stop sleeping with him, guess what? He can’t sleep with you anymore. I wouldn’t tell him your feelings for him, it will push him away more and he’ll feed you excuses. If you want a clear answer, I’d tell him something like “It’s felt good to be in your company and I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a friend with benefits. All the best” That way you can’t loose. If he wants to be more serious about you, he’ll step up. If not, he’s just using you as you thought. In cases like this ,men respond to feeling like they’re going to lose you and silence in communication more than your constant presence. It sounds really backwards but it’s true!

And from now on I think it’s best to not “woohoo” with a guy who you do want to be with. I think it’s best to tell guys you might want to be with that you find him amazingly attractive but you don’t sleep with anyone who isn’t your boyfriend . And while you aren’t trying to put pressure on him into be in a relationship, it feels really important to you..Best of luck :-)

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Brandon August 15, 2012, 3:17 pm

Right on with the advice about not “woohooing” a guy you don’t want to be with. Also agree with the “im looking for a boyfriend” statement. Totally disagreed about not telling him your feelings. Tell him. Period. If he feels the same, he’ll either be man enough to say so and discuss, or he will shy away and you shouldnt want to date someone who can woohoo but not talk about feelings like an adult. Trying to force him to “step up” by hiding feelings or not communicating is a silly waste of time in an adult relationship IMO.

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Anais August 15, 2012, 5:54 pm

My opinion re: not sharing her romantic feelings is not a matter of forcing him to step up by hiding feelings; it’s a matter of getting herself out of this uncomfortable situation and not wasting time and more frustration pouring romantic feelings for a guy who isn’t stepping up. I’m saying if she leaves telling him that she’s looking for a boyfriend, not a fwb, and everything else I suggested at the end of the post, whether or not he follows through with what she wants is the clearest message she can get. At this stage, it sounds like his response to any romantic feelings will just be more words that will cause her to feel ‘What this all mean” and confused.I mean she already seems to have expressed some of her feelings in words asking if she’s just being used..and he was wishy washy with his response. It’s good to pay more attention to what he does vs what he says IMO and she’ll more likely get that from expressing the type of relationship she wants.

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Melody July 26, 2012, 9:56 am

I love this article! It’s speaks the truth of the actions of many of things “we” women
do to get or keep a man. We think that we have to be at their every beckon call, at all
times, that is so boring and easy for a man to take advantage of you. I am learning
myself how men think and how to finally keep a man interested in me for longer than
a hot second, based on just my very attractive looks and great personality! Women
should always have lives outside of a man, and allow him to work to land you! Not
just give it all away so quick! Women allow him to know and see that you are a very
wonderful prize and force of nature and still very girly at the same time!

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Kelly July 9, 2012, 5:35 pm

I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months. He said in the beginning he didn’t want a relationship just friends w/ benifiets (bad idea). I ended up likeing him like i knew i would. he continued to say he didnt want a relationship. we got closer and closer.

then he says he doesn’t know how he feels because he cares about me and doesn’t want to be with other girls and doesn’t want me to be with other guys. but doesn’t know if he can handle my life style as a musician and having guys always hitting on me..?

I let him know if we werent together i would be dating. it killed him and we got into some fights about it.

it’s completly ON AND OFF with him. he acts like he cares then he acts like we never even started getting close.

the other day he broke down to me about his mother passing away a year ago. i held him in my arms all night while he cried and now i haven’t heard from him in 3 days.

i dont kno wwtf to do anymore bc it hurts me so much. i don’t know how to play games. i try to just leave him alone but its very hard for me. i don’t know what to do!!

im a strong independant women… i am of value but maybe i am too available to him? how do you get him to work for you when you already basically have such a relationship built already? some days i feel like we are a couple and other days i feel like i dont even know him and he doesn’t know me…

WTF DO I DO? he is driving me NUTS! and he doesn’t see anything wrong w/ not calling me for 3 days.. he stubborn and thinks hes always right… i just dont want to nag … ugh.. help!

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Anais August 9, 2012, 12:45 pm

“He said in the beginning he didn’t want a relationship just friends w/ benifiets (bad idea). I ended up likeing him like i knew i would. he continued to say he didnt want a relationship.” whenever a guy tells you something like “I don’t want anything serious” “I don’t want a relationship” “I’m not sure how I feel” etc , believe him. He’s not going to see anything wrong with not calling you for 3 days because he already told you he doesn’t want a relationship. He sees it as covering his ass. He wants to have his cake and eat it too by telling you he doesn’t know how he feels but doesn’t want to see you with other guys because he knows you’ll stick around… I think the best thing you could do is either 1. Date other guys and him. or 2. Dump him and only date other guys… I’d say the latter is better :-)

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Gloria G July 1, 2012, 10:18 pm

The Rules never taught anybody to play any games. I read the book and it is the best book on dating, and this article pretty much backed it up.

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Alice June 23, 2012, 5:37 am

I guess my question is….
I work all day every day, I take dance classes twice a week and maybe go out for dinner with a friend once a week. The rest of the time, either I don’t have the energy to go out or do anything else or don’t have a big enough circle of friends that are available to go out and do things all the time! So how do you make yourself UNAVAILABLE without going insane? I mean there are those 2 or 3 evenings when I am not available for a few hrs, but other than that….
I find myself worrying about finding something else to do in order to be less available and I don’t really like having to worry about stuff like that!
Any ideas on how to be less availabe without having to go insane trying find more stuff to do?!!!

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Ana October 12, 2012, 1:32 am

Why don’t you read or take up watercolor painting? Or redecorate a room in your house? Or take up sewing? Or get into politics – any candidate you like? Do you know the issues? If you don’t, maybe you would find that interesting. There are so many things to do but I really think that one of the most important ways of getting a man to treat you like a prize is to treat yourself that way. Women have so much power that they don’t realize and it’s in that little triangle between their legs. You can date a man and do an awful lot of things with him, but the longer you hold off sex the better. When he sees that you place a high value on intimacy, he’ll come to view it the same way.

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rozalynn May 20, 2012, 9:10 pm

THIS is hard!

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Jade May 17, 2012, 11:33 am

Wow, that’s a very interesting article – I mean, the whole advise itself is very simple and of course I thought about it. But this one thing made me feel like it’s a very important article: “he won’t tell you he “doesn’t want a relationship” and continue treating you as girlfriend anyway” — that’s _exactly_ what’s happening right now with me. It’s a very long story though and I’m definitely not being “super-needy” and it’s all very complex… But I wonder, what should you do once it already happened. As in… Right now (with all the story behind it) I’m trying to be all “independent” and not paying much attention to him – but it’s somewhat complicated, as most of the times he wants to see me I’m not doing anything. How do I get to be “valuable” and “worth a chase”, once he already had me, without it looking like I’m doing that on purpose and without it leading to just simple ignoring of each other?

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Rachael June 26, 2012, 11:05 pm

I am having the same issue I use to be the chase and he would say and do things just to see me. Then I became available all the time because i enjoyed our time together so when he said he wanted to hangout I made sure I could hangout too. We are still in a relationship and it sucks because he thinks its me playing games when I dont come around but I dont know how to make myself unavailable to him anymore because he knows my routine! He is a lot older and have made him my number one priority we have gone through so much drama already from me being too “needy” but its not that he painted this pretty picture than took it away that the change confused me and I questioned. It caused him to go out for drinks with another women but yet his attitude on trying to make me happy has changed he does not try anymore. I do not now how to make my self unavailabe and hang out with others without making him mad.

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Grace June 26, 2012, 11:34 pm

Don’t do things just to make him more into you. Do things because you want to. Take a class and learn a skill or spend time with your girl friends. Go to a festival or a party. When you make your life all about him you will be empty when he leaves you. If he gets mad tell him you are entitled to a life.

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Ina May 8, 2012, 2:17 am

my boyfriend doesnt text me anymore and when i call him i ask him why he hasnt called and all he says hes busy but meanwhile he has time to talk to his friends on twitter! thats not fair. We are having a long distance relationship soo i dont know how to behave without seeming clingy and needy but i have the desire to talk to him every day! any suggestions??

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blessed April 4, 2012, 9:05 am

Sabrina,

Ya know, you are “right on the money”, with this post. :) wow!! It may have taken me a long time to figure out that it’s OK to let him show some effort….. instead of chasing a man and making myself look needy. Bcuz you are soooooo right…..WE HAVE VALUE. To top it off, we deserve respect…..and as long as we gals have each other….. we can help remind each other that WE ARE WORTH THE CHASE. So….let him….and if he doesn’t, it’s his loss. :) You girls are beautiful, amazing, and worth more you give yourself credit for. Be blessed….

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Lirpa April 2, 2012, 5:50 pm

I met this guy in Sept 2011 and we have a fun time together and we text each other everyday. The thing is we’re not dating we just hang out as friends, but he treats me like a girlfriend which is nice but kinda confusing. He makes me candle light dinners, he surprises me with movies I want to see, he buys me gifts, he’s affectionate & very sweet. He is a great friend and I’d like to be more than friends. I read an article saying if you want to be more than friends with your guy friend you have to be patient. I have no problem being patient, but I would like to know how can I tell if he feels the same?

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Grace June 26, 2012, 12:26 pm

Ask him. It sounds to me like he likes you. Tell him your feelings. Men aren’t mind readers and neither are women.

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Chip December 4, 2012, 10:15 pm

Dude is either gay or he fell in love with you the moment he saw you. No straight man makes a candle light dinner for a woman without some form of reciprocation. Do you know how much work goes into making a candle light dinner? It’s not just about putting some plates on the table and lighting some candles. There is preparation involved, you gotta set the mood . . . what kind of food does she like, what am I going to make, how long will it take to make, i don’t want screw it up so it’s gotta be something simple, what kind of wine or other spirits, when do I go shopping for all of this stuff, what kind of music should I play, what am I going to wear, do I try and fit in a workout, are my buds going out that night to watch game 7 of the world series and I’m going to miss it? Shit ain’t easy, trust me. If you want it to be perfect you need a list, and you have to rehearse that list in your head for at least a day. Not to mention your “friend” has made multiple candle light dinners as well as everything else he’s done. I’m impressed he’s lasted so long. No self-respecting man would do what he did for 7 months without something in return.

You need to stop being patient. He thinks your his girlfriend because you continue to accept his gifts and affection. If you haven’t stepped up already then you better, you’re playing with that man’s heart. Like Grace said, tell him how you feel or start rubbing up against him so he can take you like the man that he is.

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Brittley March 30, 2012, 9:11 am

Hello Sabrina,

I just started dating like a few months ago and i’m 24 but new to it all. Anyway I I’ve been going about it wrong sitting up most of the initial contact, and planning our dates around his time. Reading this I realize this is so true I didn’t understand that working around his work schedule wasn’t eing nice but could come back to bite me. I will make more plans to live my life as I did before I meant him, and spend more moments happy on my own.

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victoria alley March 28, 2012, 4:27 pm

hey me and this guy have dated for five months we broke up two weeks befor valentines day and he spend valenties day with me he say the reasonw hy we broke up is cause he felt smothered we still text everyday and he calls me ounce a week he still kisses me and holds me i feel like that he just takes me for granted me and him never had sex together while we were dating he says he wants me to work on paitent and not worrying he says he loves me i just wish i could make it to where he was afraied that someone else would steal me what can i do he is a really sweet guy

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Jenn March 5, 2012, 2:19 pm

Everyone plays some sort of game especially men. However, how aren’t you supposed to play the game when you have an extremely confident guy in front of you that is clearly playing the game? I met this guy and he was extremely good looking. My friends and I went out and he was there and all over me for most of the night especially if I talked with other guys. That night we ended up fooling around- no sex. He didn’t ask for my number, but I so badly want him to chase me. Now what?

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Diana Bonnaha February 15, 2012, 4:39 pm

Awesome Sabrina!!! This has cleared up so much for me as I have been guilty of doing this exact thing only to find myself alone and confused as to what it was I had done!! When I think of all those times I cancelled to make time for the guy… dang!! I missed out on a lot of fun and for what??? I will never make this mistake again!!! Thanks!! =0)

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Lady B February 15, 2012, 6:31 am

Hi, everyone. Very interesting what I read. But something here doesn’t seams to work. For my case. I am working for this guy for more then 3 years now. I leaned to know everything about him, the best and the worth. I was/am here to support him for anything. It’s a big company. I saw many girls he was dating, that didn’t worked at the end. He was single for a while, I became closer and closer to him until I really fell in love with him. I tried very hard to not, but it was stronger than me. We are together today, was not easy, (he is not an easy person), but now, of course, it is way more difficult. we do everything together, working, living, sleeping, traveling…..And I have to deal with his moods and separate relation-ship with work. It is hard but I am quite good at it, cost me lots of efforts, but I do. Though job. So now, I have a problem, this man, that I put on a ‘pied d’estale” is looking so different to me, my love for him is decreasing day after day, just because of the way he is with me. He is more busy with his work (that I am part of) than us actually. Yes, I though about changing job, but this is means, that I will see him less, even not at all… Dilemma… I have a big temper normally and a big personality, but with him make sure I behave. Love……No comment….It should be illegal…..My grand ma told me one day, better to be loved than to love, she added, if you don’t love him but he does, you will, with the time, love him in return….How this is supposed to work? I need to feel my heart beats, and all the things that goes with it. What is the point to be with someone and having a flat relation-ship? Like these couples in a restaurant, seating facing each other and they are soooo board that they just don’t know what to say or even worth, don’t even bother talking, and just eat…. I need to feel my stomach upside down when he looks at me….I always say to myself, if I become a couple like these ones I just mentioned before, I am over….Seriously! I wanna hear a man talk about this, his opinion, why they acts like that, etc…..every guy is different sure…but I wanna hear it and why not try it to see if it works.

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Gretch February 1, 2012, 9:58 am

Stop having sex with him!!! He’s doing absolutely nothing to deserve it. Yes, he says he wants to do stuff with you, but his actions of not following through should tell you he’s only saying what you want to hear because he wanted to continue having sex with you. You shouldn’t have agreed to have sex if you still had feelings for him.. So stop unless he really makes an effort because right now he’s using you and you deserve better. Walk away before you get hurt more.

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chammy February 1, 2012, 5:38 pm

so do i completely stop talking to him all together?

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gretch February 1, 2012, 7:05 pm

No, you don’t have to stop talking to him all together. You just shouldn’t let him take advantage of you. Unless he’s giving you what you want, which is him to take you out and be in a relationship again, then d0n’t give him what he wants, which sounds like just sex right now. Continuing what your doing will just get you hurt. And if things don’t change, find yourself a new guy who wants a relationship.

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Ayesha February 1, 2012, 5:19 am

I would really appreciate any suggestions, comments or advice anyone can give me about the following situation i am in…..
I am in a situation where i am in love with a guy who i can not seem to move away from. He likes to disappear a lot and comes back with excuses such as he has been busy, which is understandable if he actually was in a situation or position which would require for him to disappear for weeks at a time. I have asked him why he leaves like that, but i just get an apology instead each and every time. he says he wants to talk to me, see me, but yet he never comes around to doing so. I have cared for this guy a lot, helped him when he was in need, and always supported him in various ways. I don’t think i am asking for too much if i allow him enough space over a number of days and in return just want at least a call or message from him knowing everything is okay. He has problems with family, and is in trouble financially. I am even okay with us being just friends, because if he is not ready for a commitment of any sort, i do not want to pressure him. but i do not see how he is even being a friend when he does not contact me, and sends a message after a few weeks just asking about whats going on. we used to speak twice a day, all night, and never got bored or tired of calling one another. He used to tell me i can talk to you about anything and he has told me about every detail of his life from family to girlfriends and an ex he still cares for very much. he used to be the first to call but slowly that went down the drain, as he started to change, which to me was a sudden shock because i was not expecting it. I am very confused about whether he likes me as a friend or if i can ever expect anything more from him. whenever i start a topic about why he is so distant and is not the same no more, he does not want to talk about it. I spoke to him after several months and he apologized very sincerely but never gave me a straight answer for why he disappeared, and since then he goes away for weeks and comes back. If he cares then why is he having such a hard time explaining his behavior, and calling me like he used to, which was everyday for hours. He knows i love him a lot and how much it hurts me. Even after he came back after several months he asked me a couple of times if i had moved on with someone else. if he is just playing games then why does he keep coming back and leaving, when he can just leave and cut off all contact with me. (by the way this is long distance, so we don’t see each other so often). He always tells me he is in such situations which he can not explain and they are stressing him out, but i don’t think that is a good enough excuse for him not taking out even a few minutes over a few days to reach out to me. I thought if i ignore him it will effect him, but he just comes back when he is okay, and talks as if nothing has happened, and if i complain about him not contacting me for so long he just apologizes. I ignored him for a few days to see if he says anything or notices it but in return he talks to me one day and then he ignores me for several days and then comes back. I really love this guy and do not want to lose him, but he is not showing any effort of working out our relationship, if he considers it to be one to begin with. I do not know what i should do, and how to make him realize how unfair he is being to me, someone who has always showered him with love, care , and has always stood by his side when he was in need of help. How can i tell if he is just using me, playing games, or is just confused himself. If it matters at all he is an aquarius, which many have told me might be why he is like this because his sign explains such behavior. I am so confused about this whole thing, so any suggestions on how i can make this work would be great.
Thank you all in advance.

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Erin February 3, 2012, 4:54 pm

Honey, I was in something very much like what you describe most of last year. I can’t tell you how much damage it did to my self-esteem and how it’s affected my trust in relationships since then. The best thing I ever did was walk away. If you do the same, you will be AMAZED at how attentive he becomes (read: stalkerish) and how much he’ll suddenly start paying attention to you. It’s a game for him, and as long as you keep giving him what he wants, he will keep playing it. Take back your control and your emotions. It won’t be easy, but you will be glad that you did when you’re free of this drama.

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chammy February 5, 2012, 4:38 pm

thanks, my biggest struggle is walking away but it seems like the right thing to do idk how im going to do so though, I have been trying to stay busy, and just date (thats been a challenge in itself ) but I know im a good person and I deserve better… THANKS TO ALL THE REPLIES I REALLY REALLY NEEDED THEM

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Ayesha February 6, 2012, 10:37 am

Thanks for replying back. I have tried so hard so many times to walk away from him but end up back to where i started. I just really love him so much. Although he is behaving in such a manner there is a side to him where he is the perfect person someone can ask for to have as a part of their life. I just want a way where i can have him realize what he is doing wrong and how much he s hurting me, and i want him to give me a clear answer on what he really thinks of me. I want to know what i really mean to him, instead of having him giving me mixed signals. I’m definitely going to try and stay away from him for awhile and see if that has any outcome whatsoever. It’s going to be so hard, but i guess if want him to give me answers to my questions then i have to do this.
P.S. his birthday is tomorrow, do you suggest i wish him? also if you can give me any other suggestions on how to go about drawing him back, it would be deeply appreciated. Thanks.

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chammy February 1, 2012, 12:49 am

so im having this issue with my ex we didnt work out because he never made time for me but as soon as we broke up he was calling me and telling me he misses me and how good i am, he doesnt want to let me go he loves me and blah blah blah. Then we just agreed to just have sex and thats fine with me, but he acts as if he wants to spend time with me but never does it. So now we were suppose to meet for our sexual escapade and one minute he is just blowing up my phone like yea i want to see you etc. etc. and then the next i go to see him and its a different story….IDK im tired of the the talk and no walk i thought this would be simple since we had an understanding or at least i thought we did but its the same bs

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Ashley L. January 31, 2012, 12:07 pm

I dunno, I think it’s a bit hypocritical to say “I will not change my schedule at all for you, but I expect you to change your schedule to fit into my life”. That’s not fair, and when guys do that to women, we tell them the guy is an inconsiderate jerk and that they’re just not that into them. I think there needs to be a better balance. Sure you don’t want to be breaking weekend plans with your girlfriends because your date texted you to hang out two hours before happy hour, but I think going to the other extreme isn’t helpful either. If I were a guy and a girl said “oh sorry, I’d like to see you, but Glee is on tonight. Why don’t you cancel your poker night so we can get together when I’m free”, I’d be offended and think she wasn’t that interested in me. I think it’s better to meet halfway. That way the guy knows you’re have your own life and won’t bend over backwards for him but also that you actually want to see him and will make at least some effort to fit him into your awesome life.

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max January 11, 2012, 5:02 pm

nice article, but the issue here is that some women don’t invest in themselves to be worthy of the chase. so if u put him away he will leave u and don’t try. my advice to ladies is always keep improving and upgrading urself and find urself a king, someone that has alot to offer. “when the queen is ready the king will show up”.

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Lola January 3, 2012, 2:25 pm

So, I’m in a situation where I need to let my guy chase me a bit. And he does chase me when I ease up, as in not emailing all the time or wearing my heart on my sleeve. He talks about a future with me, has introduced me to friends, is openly affectionate with me, but I have freaked out in the past when he doesn’t email me right back after I’ve sent him an email. I know he really likes me and I also know he’s cautious and also preoccupied with some stressful stuff. I did mention to him last week that I needed to have better communication with him and he laughed and said he needs to get better at it or it will make me mad. But, the communication hasn’t gotten much better. I sent him two emails yesterday as we had spent the night together before and had a a fabulous time. I haven’t heard back yet, but I guess that’s the price I pay for coming on so strong. Time to sit back and wait for him to recover from my intensity, I suppose. I’m just going to focus on myself for now and attend to things that interest me.. I know I will hear from him soon.. I hope..haha

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Johnathan December 31, 2011, 9:08 am

Ladies, I would have to say that I have read this exact same article aimed at guys and voiced from various lame pickup artists. It was wrong then, and it’s wrong now. Here’s why.

You will get the results your author says you will, but you will only get them from me who are weak. Weak guys, just like weak gals, will allow themselves to be mistreated, undervalued, and disrespected.

A real man, who will be just as strong, self sufficient, independent and happily his-own-man as you are being your-own-woman, will find it insulting and degrading to have you treat him as being less valuable than he is, which is what this advice would have you do. If a woman made me conform my schedule to hers, I would laugh, and she’d be out in a heartbeat. You can have all the weak losers you want, if you want that, but I won’t put up with it, and a growing number of guys are thinking like I do.

I understand the value part, and I agree, women should be valued properly. But when you turn the tables, SOMEONE is still being de-valued and effectively disrespected. In my book, that’s a form of abuse. No man worth his rocks, as the author says, will put up with abuse. Only little boys in men’s bodies who have no self respect or self esteem.

So what’s the solution? Simple. You know that thing you ladies wanted when you got all into the women’s lib thing? That thing you seem to have forgotten about in favor of having your cake and eating it too, just because you can? You know… EQUALITY?

Meet him half way. Never let him walk on you – take you for granted – mistreat you – devalue you. Just as he should never allow you to do the same to him. It’s about being each other’s balance, not each other’s codependency buddy.

If I was dating a woman and she wouldn’t prioritize me over a TV show (Glee, I believe it was?) she would be out in a heartbeat, because I have more value than that show. I don’t care who you are, what you look like, or how golden your vajay-jay is (or you think it is), if you’re not willing to give me the same consideration and respect I am willing to give you, you are going to be gone like the wind. And just as fast. And without a second chance, to boot.

Now I’m not saying that I should be able to call you up and demand to see you RIGHT NOW, while you’re doing something else, and have you drop everything to come be at my beck and call. I likewise would not be very likely to do that for you, unless you showed yourself to be worth my time and effort. But what I am saying is this. Be reasonable. Be mature. Treat him as a valuable adult man, and if he does not deserve that, find someone who does. But don’t just perpetuate the war of the sexes blindly. Let’s outgrow this stupid “Guys hurt/mistreat/use me, so I’m gonna hurt/mistreat/use all the guys I meet.” crap, shall we? It only keeps things infantile, and only perpetuates meeting guys who will respond with what you don’t want. Just as for men, it creates women who respond with what THEY don’t want.

The end result of this “war of the sexes” is that most of both genders are miserable, and amusingly enough, most of them aren’t even aware enough to know it.

Equality, ladies. And if he doesn’t reciprocate, respect yourself enough to find someone who does.

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jt January 8, 2012, 10:09 pm

i have to agree with you. The ones that I didn’t care about were the ones that pursued me, and I was used to being pursued. But I’m not interested in those anymore. I will not settle. Right now there is one that I really care about and I feel strongly he feels the same way. He is definitely not ready for a relationship. And this is where the problem starts, I miss him so much that I can’t “get my life together”. My advice to ladies who have fallen for someone who is not “ready” is be patient, and stay positive about your relationship (or non relationship) with “the” guy. Things don’t have to happen right away. When you meet someone you care about so much, both parties need time to make a lot of internal changes. All your insecurities will bubble up and you have to know how to handle them without doing something stupid. He is dealing with his own insecurities during this time, don’t do anything that might make it worse like lash out at him for not calling/texting, etc. (I pray!) I love him unconditionally (gasp!) and I have to make changes in myself so that I never ever hurt him in any way (i’m known to be a man hater). And it does help to pay attention to the other areas of your life. Get on with your life. If things were meant to be, they WILL be. stop the silly games and go after the love of your life.

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Erin February 3, 2012, 5:03 pm

JT, I’m in the exact same situation and you are SO RIGHT. I had no idea how insecure I really was until I met this man who I so desperately don’t want to lose (don’t get me wrong, I’m not DESPERATE, but I’ve never met a guy who was so worthy of falling for, and it has made me SO scared that I might lose him). I think I’ve only said a few minorly stupid things (“I’m just a booty call to you!” No. No I’m not), but it’s a constant effort to remain strong and positive and optimistic. And I agree that anyone who is truly worthy deserves the same amount of respect that we demand, otherwise, we become the abusive ones.

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Tricia February 18, 2012, 2:40 am

I know that this response is late; however, I just had to say, after reading this response, how much I admire hearing a healthy response from a man. Thanks Johnathan, for articulating so very well, a healthy expression of a wholesome relationship. The ideology of healthy relationships seems to be so ‘not’ the norm anymore, – (This can be very discouraging). It’s good to know that their are some men out there who actually get it. Ladies, we must love ourselves more than we love being in a relationship. It’s only then that we can truly appreciate ourselves and our men. And if, by chance, the time should come in a relationship – for whatever reason, he decides that he is not into you anymore; you will better able to accept that and move on. Your value is on display, what does it communicate to HIM, what does it afford Him, and what does it allow HIM. You are in control! Be the woman that you know yourself to be by yourself and when the time comes to include someone else, you will know what you are looking for, what ‘adds’ to your own happiness. Please do not expect a man to make you happy, – Be that already!

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Marie April 18, 2012, 4:47 pm

You are completely right, however, this article was intended to be written BY a woman FOR women. It’s about some things only women would understand, I guess. Let me explain you why.

First off, I have read The Rules, the book the author of this article mentions. To be concise, it is NOT about mistreating a man, devaluing him, toying around with him, his schedule or his professional life. Also, I guess the reference to the Glee episode was more of a metaphor meant to illustrate what happens in a ‘relationship’ of any type between unavailable men and the women who just stay along for the ride.

I don’t know if you’ve browsed through other articles on this website, but I have. They are full of comments and questions from desperate women (not meant in a derogatory manner at all) who’ve felt like they’ve done something ‘wrong’, or their partners/boyfriends are not paying enough attention/ cheating/ not desiring their company anymore, etc.

Women are more wired towards the emotional side whereas males tend to be the physically attracted ones. It’s a law of nature I guess. I think the women the author of the article speaks for are those who’ve started looking for China patterns and schools for the children as soon as their first date is over. Or the ones who fell for their f* buddies or just someone who wasn’t willing to be in a relationship with them and now don’t know what to do, simply put. This breeds unnecessary contempt (you’re right about the gender wars), low self-esteem and unhappiness. And nobody wants that.

Agreeing that we are all individuals, at the end, and we all deserve the same amount of respect is what you wanted to say. Not that if a woman cannot work her schedule around yours, you’d boot her straight away. That would equal a woman permanently rejecting a man because he didn’t reply her text in an hour tops or didn’t pick up the phone at the first ring. That’s just childish. I’m sorry but you’re beating yourself up with your own arguments. You say men also want to be respected- that’s just what everyone IS DOING.

The problem arises when there’s MORE than respect given to men from women. Men tend to be the smooth talkers who work their ways- raise your hands if you have never heard ‘i’m not ready to be in a relationship right now…i need space…my ex girlfriend and I…you’re so sweet to understand’, while sleeping with you, spending holidays with you, then dropping you for his buddies or another woman. It is disrespectful because it is dishonest.

If you want respect, you have to give honesty. Being dishonest is a sign of disrespect way stronger and more dangerous, i’d say, than being vain and playing games. I agree, if a woman is playing games you shouldn’t date her. Just like a man who’s stringing a woman around should be dropped like a hot potato. There are 6 billion people on this planet (or even 7)- not everybody will like us. It is unhealthy and downright stupid to try and push yourself onto someone, or try to force someone to be with you, I agree, so using manipulation and tactics won’t work and it will only give you a bad rep. But it’s worse when a man knows he doesn’t want to get involved with a woman, he also knows she likes him a lot, yet he continues sleeping with her never mentioning the real issue- that nothing more will ever happen between them.

I personally know tens of men who’ve done this- friends, colleagues, even relatives- and I only know two or three women who’ve kept being in relationships with men for the sake of gain- material, professional, etc.- though they didn’t really want to be in a relationship with those people. Hope you get my point.

Being unavailable doesn’t mean the woman is a lying scumbag who’s trying to lure the man and pretend to be someone she isn’t. It means she has a life, just like you have one. Why wouldn’t you understand when someone isn’t available +51% of their time to you? Why does it bother men when they have to basically wait for the little games to stop? I guess it is because they just want to get to have sex as soon as possible and nothing more. Don’t get me wrong, i’m no prude- sex is wonderful and having sexual needs is healthy and very ok. But when that’s the only thing you want from someone and you’re getting upset they won’t give it to you right away just because you showed up in their lives, that’s selfish. I know sex is something enjoyed by both partners- but you have to be very clear about your intentions from the beginning.

If you ‘don’t know’, then wait. Get to know the person first, and perhaps you’ll enjoy sex more (increased intimacy) and even be able to talk about something you don’t like, for example, given the confidence established between the two partners. If you aren’t ready for a relationship, you’re just looking for something casual, you’re just dating- make sure you’re making it clear, in a polite and discreet manner, of course. there are many women who don’t want to get married, have babies and live happily ever after in their little white fenced house in the suburbs. so yep.

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Sara December 27, 2011, 11:22 pm

Will this advice work with a tarnished relationship. I have looked needy, desperate, and bitchy to this guy since he got my number. I feel like he’s drifting away and I want to give one more shot before I give up on him. We go to the same school, so I’m going to see him regularly. He is still nice to me in person and replies to my texts right away, but I wish he would initiate contact and call me back when he says he will instead of me only doing it. Will your advice work or is it over?

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Dee December 19, 2011, 2:07 pm

hi!! i have started seeing a guy and its been 3 weeks, and he feels like a guy made for me. unfortunately he doesnt seem to be having any time for me and from day one i was messaging him 15 times a day and calling him all the time, and not getting any response. this actually messed up my life and i stopped eating. i was in the pits. then after talking to my girlfirends i was able to make sense of it abt 50%, but still i wud wait for his call and a sms. which wud not be anything. count hours until i spoke to him. i literally pounced on him. no wonder i wasnt getting any response from him. we only meet on weekdays as on weekends he visits his parents. i know it sounds lame. but i fell for it.
today i wanted to get out of this rut that i had fallen in. and it really makes sense, rather than waiting for him all the time- if i do my own thing and keep busy and not be available all the time will give him a wake up call for once. i agree with all you say wholeheartedly.
i am definitely now going to change the way things have gone. i actually get the meaning about being not available now. thx.

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Orchid December 15, 2011, 1:56 am

I understand the giving the guy a challenge. I did this with my exbf and it did work, but I feel out of love after many years. I’ve been seeing a guy now for a month, and sadly, he is leaving for his home country. He is single and said he likes me. I was not making myself available in the beginning so he was working with my schedule. The problem now is I want to spend time with him during his last weekend. I was thinking of staying over for two nights with him, but I feel like I’m gonna look desperate doing this. If he isnt leavin, then I wouldnt do this at all. I dont know when I’ll be seeing him again or if he wants to do LDR. All he said one time was that he missed me and that it would be more difficult once he leave. I dont know if he means he wants to do LDR even if he knows itll be difficult. He is kinda shy and has difficulties with expressing emotions (maybe because of language barriers), but I fell in love with this guy at first sight. I can feel the strong connection between us and the attraction. I dont know how to handle his last days here without looking desperate, and I dont want to scare him off. Should I forget about giving the challenge part during his last days, enjoy the time with him while it last and stay over at his place and dont give away all my feelings or express my true feelings for him and dont mention LDR, but let him express his thoughts and feelings first? I’m thinking if he really does like me, even after he leaves, he will make efforts to contact me and talk to me about doing LDR. I need some serious advice. Thanks.

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Anna17 December 24, 2011, 2:26 am

I think that you will only be showing him that you care your right it would seem despret in another situation but your situation is just perfect for spending time with him. At times you need to show him that you care. Make it know to him that if it wasn’t b/c he was leaving than you wouldn’t do that which is the case, he probably aready knowes this. What i’m trying to say is that its a good idea to spend time w/ him ask him if he wants to do LDR while you r with him. See his answer and decide from there. :)

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Janaye December 11, 2011, 12:23 pm

Great article!
I was wondering how this would apply to my current “relationship”…
Does your advice change when the two people involved are best friends who love each other? Does love at all affect this advice?

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Bobbi Palmer November 29, 2011, 3:21 am

Hi Sabrina – LOVE this article! I think you are spot on with your advice about living a full life and allowing a man to work a little bit for your attention and affection. And I do mean “allowing” because men appreciate and enjoy working for a good woman — at least the Good Guys do! I think you did a great job of describing the middle ground or what I call “living in the gray.” We think it’s either be fully available or play really hard to get. But the truth is there is a lovely mid-ground where you let him know you’re interested while also letting him know that you have expectations and boundaries, and that you know you deserve a fabulous man who treats you beautifully. You are obviously helping so many people understand each other and ultimately find love. Kudos and I look forward to connecting further.

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Sarah November 22, 2011, 11:06 am

My boyfriend and I don’t technically live together, but we spend every night together at either my place or his place. We do everything together including hanging out together with either his friends sometimes or my friends sometimes. I feel like he definitely doesn’t value me or us as much as I’d like because of this. I’ve tried talking to him about sleeping separately occasionally so that we could miss each other but he said that he didn’t want to change it. He’s a great guy and I don’t want to lose him. How can I still try to get him to chase me without making him feel like I’m blowing him off?

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Lin November 21, 2011, 1:30 pm

Hi Sabrina, I really enjoyed your article. I can attest to all the things that you’ve listed. Guys seem to enjoy the “chase” more than anything. In past relationships I’ve been prone to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak and every time I do that, it’s always the same thing–short lived.
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Currently, I involved in my first long distant relationship. We’ve been talking via phone, chat, skype, everyday for the last 4months since we met on my trip to his hometown. We’re both very independent individuals and we go about our lives and do what we enjoy doing. He’s even already asked for us to be exclusively dating one another. The downside is that we’re 1,000+ miles away from one another; and because of this it’s easier for us to have our lives and not sacrifice things for one another at the moment. Our only rules is that we make time for one another to talk at least once a day via phone or skype.
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So far it’s been really good and both our interests for one another seem to grow the more we talk. We’re trying to put off the title and whatnot until the next time we see one another again. He’s flying to my area and spending 4days with me and our mutual friends. It’ll be a tough one, but we both feel that the wait and patience will be worth it in the long run.
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Again, it seems to be going well because we’re not “sitting there, waiting and staring at the phone for the other person to call, message, or make the first move” we’re just going about our days and making time for one another when we are available. We’re not playing games, we’re just living our lives and enjoying it; when we do talk to one another we find out that we keep adding to each others lives in a positive and productive way.

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Ana November 20, 2011, 7:15 pm

This is a great article and I have to say I love the stuff that you and Eric say on this site. I discovered the “Rules book” off this site and just finished reading it. I like this article because it seems to find a middle ground between the book and reality. I feel like your site is better the rules book because it seems more realistic/easy to follow. So basically, my story is that I’ve been seeing this guy for a little more than a month. I’ve been pretty good at following the rules and not being too forward or making my life revolve around him. This was all important to me because I finally met a guy I really liked and in the past I did everything that your not supposed to do in relationship and low and behold, I drove all of them away!! This relationship I have started out amazing with him texting me all this sweet stuff. Now, he is withdrawing (which I know is common for men to do). We see each other usually once during the week and try to on the weekends but the past couple of weekends I haven’t been seeing him. During the week when we don’t see each other we text occasionally but he has gotten bad at responding. He still seems like he wants to see me and take me out, but I think I want more out of this. I’m at a point in my life where I want to spend weekends with someone and connect with someone and I’m not sure why he is withdrawing because I think I was pretty reserved/not needy. My question is, do you think its worth it? I brought up that I wish we could speak to each other more during the week like on the phone and not texting and maybe we don’t want the same things, ect. But he hasn’t responded yet (I just sent that a little while ago). Should I look for someone else? I really like him but do you think its just a phase or should I give up?

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Melissa November 20, 2011, 12:50 am

This may be a tad off-topic, but I’ve been spending quite a bit of time with a guy who I think may be boyfriend potential. Unfortunately, despite claims he likes me, he says he is too busy for a girlfriend. Normally, I would consider this an excuse. In this case, he works two jobs (meaning, no days off), and goes to school. Our schedules don’t match up, and he says that spending a few hours a night twice or week, or what have you, is not really a relationship to him. Is this crap, or do you think it’s entirely possible he wants to have someone around but not be in a committed relationship until his life is less hectic?

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Frederica Bimble January 21, 2012, 8:01 pm

He’s blowing you off so you can stop analysing it. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with YOU because if he did, then 2 or 3 nights a week whilst being busy with all that other stuff would suit him to a T because he would be with someone he can SEE A FUTURE WITH. Get it?
Dump him. He’s too cowardly to just say, ‘not interested’ but he’s enjoying the attention from you. Don’t be that doormat. You need to go and spend some time alone. Find out who you are because if you can’t figure out what a more experienced woman can see by reading your comment, then you are not going to attract the man who IS ready for a relationship.
Besides, a woman who can see the losers and the cowards wouldn’t have to ask others.
Just go find out who you are and what makes you happy then someone will come along who is a perfect match.
I used to be like you because I had a few girlfriends but since moving to a different country and being forced to spend time alone and now not having that ‘support’ (Lol) network, I can see that often listening to their ‘advice’ was clouding my judgement and keeping me from listening to my own inner voice.
See if there is a meditation class in your area and go learn how to do it because it will change your life and once you master it, you won’t ever ask another for advice again. Put it this way, you will clear your mind and everything you need to know will come to you by quieting your mind and asking.

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Sandie L November 18, 2011, 10:40 pm

I understand the chase. However, what do you do when you have a child and know that for the most part, that child goes with his father every other weekend, leaving you time to make plans ahead of time. Is it not good for the girl to attempt a date? Should you expect that the male will reach out first? I have been seeing a guy that works odd/strange hours which conflict with mine. Mine are always the same, however his are not. This is a 2 part question actually. My next question is this.. if you attempt to make a date and he says he cant do it because of work or out of town, ect. What is a good way to end the conversation? Like should I say something like, “That’s OK. I am sure I can make other plans.” Or do you have another catchy response that would make him think, “shoot.. I better find a way to make plans with this one”

I actually am planning to use that response and want to make sure it doesnt come across like someone begging or pleading.. or any negative behavior. I am sure this will help others in the same situation.

The past couple months I have always been the one to contact him and hes been pretty good with getting me into his schedule. I just dont want to be the only one making plans. I feel like Im only a convienance and I don’t want to be. I wait a good week 1/2 since we saw eachother before I make initial contact.

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Frederica Bimble January 21, 2012, 8:08 pm

Don’t phone him again. Delete his number from your phone and get rid of the paper it is written on. When he rings you again, then you can save it in your phone. I would say delete it after he rings again and then in a few months or so, you will find out your answer.
The question of ‘is that a good line to use’ is pointless because no matter what you say, the insecurities will be present. People are animals and they use more than just their senses to pick up whether someone is desperate or not. Believe me, if you’re writing all that and asking advice from others, then he already knows you’re desperate.
Delete his number and forget about him and if he doesn’t step up then you’ll know. There are 7 billion people on this earth and just under half of them are male. There is no man on this earth who is worth the self inflicted uncertainty and stress you’re putting on yourself.

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Carra November 16, 2011, 5:29 am

Ok, my story is a bit different, we both have work, have kids etc. My only night off each week is Friday, I tend to spend the eve at home chilling out. He doesn’t finish work till the eve and then sees his kids for an hour or two. We then see each other on a Firday, its really about the only night we can get together. I don’t make plans for this night 1) because I like to spend it at home chilling after a busy week 2) beacuse its our night……so in this senario he knows I am home on a friday night and he always texts to say can he come over…..is this a bad situation. Background, we started out great, had a couple of Talks – his instigation, I admitted I had feelings, he has backed off, less texts, etc but still everyday, he even sent one the other day saying he just wanted me to know he thinks about m everyday. But it feels like things have changed a little. Not sure where to go from here?

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G November 15, 2011, 9:58 pm

The messages on this site should be in a book. I loved this article and really respect the writers here. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It seems so obvious yet we’ve all fallen into the trap of waiting around and accomodating a guy or girl. Why we’d ever sacrifice our own lives for someone else is ridiculous. When you think about it it’s absolute insanity. Thanks for your insight and wisdom!

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Sabrina Alexis November 16, 2011, 11:37 am

As luck would have it, we actually are writing a book! We’re still polishing it up and are hoping to launch within the next month or two. Thanks so much for your positive feedback!

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Donita DeCarlo November 19, 2011, 9:25 pm

Im reading these articles and thinking to myself wow,Im not alone with my feelings and emotions,there actually are real people in the world other than me that experiences these problems.I would love to read your new book when it comes out,I can use all the help I can get on dating advice and relationships.Thanks for the insight!! Another thing too is I like these questions and answers written within this month instead of like 5 years ago. Keep up the great work!!

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G November 30, 2011, 11:01 pm

I can’t wait for the book to come out. I’m a much happier, calm person after reading so many articles on this site. I worry about myself and the choices I make and not what a guy is doing. I’m telling you I feel so much more peaceful, serene and self-assured focusing on what makes me happy. No single person is worth getting upset over with all the wonderful, amazing people in our lives. I’ll tell everyone here I’ve implemented this lifestyle and it has changed my dating life. My ex and I reconnected about a month ago and although I don’t want a serious relationship with him because I’m dating others he’s all about me and has never treated me better. I care about him and would like to have him in my life but in all fairness he doesn’t meet my requirements for a bf (i.e. established career and long term goals). He’s a great guy but not someone I want to settle down with. He actually got mad at me because I made plans for the entire weekend without considering him. Well he didn’t ask me to do anything and I’m not going to put my life on hold to get together with him. Several of my friends asked me to get together and I made plans with them. I’m not going to wait around for anyone. Boy do I feel empowered.

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Jeannie January 13, 2012, 7:58 am

Appreciation for this ifnormaotin is over 9000-thank you!

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Leah November 15, 2011, 12:09 am

Let me start of by saying I agree 100% with everything Alexis said, but I have a stupid question…

When is it OK to make him a priority in your life? I ask because I did all of the above. Met a guy, but didn’t rearrange my life for him. I maintained my friendships, kept up with my activities, focused on my career. Well it’s been a year, and I’m still afraid to change gears! We spend every weekend together, travel together, and everything is great. But his lease is up in a few months and he’s been making frequent mention of it to feel me out on the whole moving in together thing and I’m just petrified that it’ll all go downhill if I take that step. I’m also worried it’ll go downhill if I don’t! Uh…help? Anybody?

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Tiffany November 15, 2011, 12:30 am

I think you’re good. You have your own life and it seems like you would continue to have one even if you move in together. I think it’s more about whether you want/are ready to move in with him. If you are, go for it! Just don’t make him the center of your world.

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Joyce February 21, 2012, 2:02 pm

Make this man a priority when there’s a ring in your finger and you had signed a paper in front of a judge or religious official.

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Heidi H. November 14, 2011, 2:02 am

thank you :)

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Donna November 13, 2011, 2:09 am

I love the cake analogy – it was like a light bulb moment! Not only is it easy to fall into the trap of expecting the guy to be your whole cake mixture, but also that you’ll be his all and everything. How much better to be just the icing on the cake, everyone knows that’s the best bit!

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Sabrina Alexis November 12, 2011, 11:28 am

@Tiffany- It’s not over-dramatic at all, my dating life has completely changed for the better since starting this site 3 years ago!

@Stephanie- I’m so happy that you’re able to see the difference between what we’re saying and what books like “The Rules” tell women to do. We really try to emphasize the importance of finding fulfillment within yourself and doing things from a place of “this will make me happy” rather than “this will help me get the guy.” It’s a very important distinction to make, especially when it comes to giving relationship advice.

@Ryan- You raise a very good point that deserves clarification. The examples you use are actually kind of funny because one of my brother is in law school and the other is in med school and they both are in successful relationships. But anyway, the same standards apply. I’m not saying cancel on a guy when you’ve made plans with him to get him to chase you, that’s just silly. What I’m saying is continue to live your life and don’t organize your schedule around a guy. For instance, if a girl is dating a medical resident and knows that he has every Sunday night off, she shouldn’t leave that night open and not commit to plans with friends or something in the hopes that he calls and wants to see her. If she does that, then he can leave his Sunday night open and wait to the last minute to decide if he wants to see her or if he wants to hang out with friends instead because he knows she’ll be waiting around. However, if she doesn’t revolve her life around him, then he knows if he wants to see her on Sunday night he needs to plan a date in advance or there’s a chance she’ll be busy. I hope that clarifies where I was coming from a little bit more.

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Ryan November 12, 2011, 1:24 am

This will only work with men who have similar (or even more laid back) backgrounds as you though. If he is a medical resident or young law-school grad who just joined a law firm and is using his one night off a week to go out with you or swapped on-call days to see a movie with you, and he finds out you canceled to go out with friends, much less to watch a TV show, he is going to find it very hard to respect you.

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Frederica Bimble January 21, 2012, 8:15 pm

Nowhere does it say ‘cancel your date to go out with friends.’ You have past hurtful experiences that are cluttering your mind and it is inhibiting your ability to read and see the article (words) objectively. Go back and read it.
She had plans with her friends but had to tell him that she would meet him later because the schedules conflicted. You’re reading what you want to read from it and not what is written.

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Stephanie November 11, 2011, 9:08 am

This is a GREAT article. I used to read “The Rules” and go on “Rules Girls” support message boards thinking that the Rules was the only way to land a guy. I never really followed them much, but that was because they did seem manipulative and I always felt guilty for thinking that. I started coming here and everything you or Eric says makes perfect sense. I always thought that being “unavailable” meant that you purposely didn’t answer phone calls and what not, but now I know that being “unavailable” is actually being “unavailable”. Making plans with your friensd and focusing on what you want out of life with or without your boyfriend. I think you guys should write an article about Double Standards in men and keeping balance in a developed relationship.

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Tiffany November 10, 2011, 6:33 pm

Geez do I love me some Sabrina and Eric! Another GREAT article. Sounds a little overdramatic, but the two of you have changed my dating life, interaction with men, and understanding of how things work more than you can ever imagine. Thanks and keep ‘em coming!

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