You guys talk a lot about being the prize and while I agree with the idea, I find it really difficult when it comes to guys I really like. I’m not much into rules and seriously hate any type of action that is not authentically me. But exactly HOW do you remain the prize when the fear takes hold?
And to be the prize, does he have to feel like he’s in competition with other men? Everyone says men love the chase, is this true? If so, how can I get him to chase me without being obvious?
Being the prize isn’t something you’re “doing” like walking a tightrope in a trapeze act. It isn’t about stringing along a guy and making him feel like he doesn’t quite have you or that you need to constantly dangle a carrot.
It is him knowing that you have options and if he stopped showing up in the relationship, you wouldn’t whine and beg… you’d find another option (which would be readily available) and move on to greener pastures.
You have value, he sees that and he knows that if he wants to keep you around, he needs to show up in the relationship and keep you happy.
It comes from a realization: relationships are not tangible, concrete “things” like a purse or car or stone. Relationships involve emotional and psychological movement, flowing forward at every moment.
People treat relationships like they’re something that you can lose or break. They’ve been convinced somehow that relationships are things… and they believe that the possession of that thing will give them happiness and status… and the losing of that thing will lead to a loss of happiness and status.
It’s all an illusion. It’s all BS.
The fear that you’re talking about is fear of loss… but you can’t lose something that isn’t a possession in the first place. People who understand that relationships aren’t things to be lost and acquired don’t have this fear of loss (mind you, this illusory fear of loss) because they realize that relationships are what they are at face value…
I’m trying to untangle your mind from the psychological spaghetti this culture has convinced you is real. The culture we live in has you convinced that if you just do certain tricks or mind games then you get a relationship… as if the relationship was a possession to be acquired.
This is a ridiculous concept to even consider because there’s no relationship to be gotten. The relationship is your moment-to-moment interaction with that person in those moments… there is no destination, no thing to get.
This is why, when a guy says, “It is what it is” in regards to a relationship he’s actually making a profoundly accurate statement.
So regardless of whether or not you really like a guy or not, your “relationship” with him is what it is. There’s nowhere to get to and nothing to get. You already have it in that moment… there’s no fantasy to bring to reality, no wishes and wants to come to fruition… it already is as it is.
With all that said, what’s ultimately messing you up is that you’re conjuring images and fantasies in your mind of “what could be” with this guy that you really like instead of taking it at face value. Those fantasies create performance anxiety because now you feel you could win or lose something when in fact… that’s a total illusion.
It’s not about being the prize when you’re feeling afraid. It’s realizing that the source of your fear is total BS… and that the fear is generated from you at your most inauthentic (what could be more inauthentic than manufacturing a fantasy in your mind, then obsessively trying to push reality into becoming that fantasy instead of just being present in the moment as it is??)
Now about the guy needing to feel like he’s in a “competition”…
Let me illustrate with an analogy. You happen to get a great job. You know it’s great – it pays well, you enjoy the work, you enjoy the people you work with. Yeah, it’s a job so you do have to work, but you love it.
At the same time… you know that if you stopped showing up or stopped doing work, you would be fired. However, your boss doesn’t have to threaten you with that, ever. Your boss doesn’t have to remind you how great your job is, or how they could hire other people but they’re choosing you for now…
Moreover, you know you have something that other people wish they had (rare and valuable), you genuinely enjoy it on many levels (it fulfills you in many ways) and you’ve invested in it (you feel that you have it and if you walked away, it would be a loss…)
If you’re happy at your job, you’re not going anywhere and you’ll be a great worker. At the same time, you know that you have to show up and pull your weight.
Contrast that with a company that hires some guy who doesn’t take his job seriously… he shows up when he feels like it, doesn’t work very hard, and really just doesn’t care much. But instead of firing the guy, the company covers for his weaknesses, ignores or forgives his absences, and tries to “make it work” with him.
Maybe, for some reason, the company thinks they couldn’t hire someone else to do the job. Maybe, the company feels it’s on them to turn a loser into a winner. Maybe going through the process of interviewing new candidates and training someone new seems too daunting.
Whatever it is… you recognize your job is a prize while