This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Khadija 1 week, 4 days ago.
February 6, 2024 at 2:03 pm #943558
Help. I’ve contacted an ex to meet up for closure…I’m engaged to someone else. I just had this irresistible pull I can’t describe and NO it’s not about sex. Ex is someone who has his life together and my fiancé does not. And I crave a life that doesn’t have a million problems to solve. And me and ex were friends for years after breaking up. I simply got rid of ex when I started dating my now fiancé, whom I love dearly. But ex has an attraction where his life is easy. No kids. No ex drama. Has money, his own place. Help – I don’t even know why I’m creating this post TBH….February 6, 2024 at 4:19 pm #943559
Why are you engaged to a mess?February 6, 2024 at 8:38 pm #943560
We can’t tell you if you’re cheating. Only your fiance can tell you if he considers talking to and meeting up with an ex once to be cheating. But if I were in that situation, everything would be okay if whichever partner was contacting the ex told the fiance(e) first. Nothing to hide. Hiding it is the start of your problems if you want to stay engaged.
But why would you want to stay engaged, as Raven pointed out? I bet both these people aren’t good for you at all, and you need a clean break. That way you can figure out what you want and eventually meet someone who is neither a mess nor someone who you’re idealizing from your past because you’re trying to escape a bad relationship…February 6, 2024 at 9:10 pm #943561
YES it’s cheating. Or you wouldn’t have even thought about making this post. You know it’s wrong. “Closure”?? Nah. Come on, be real. You know you’re feeling out your ex for a reunion because you’re tired of the drama in your current relationship. You’re either hoping to be talked out of doing it or hoping to be told it’s OK. It’s your life. 100% your decision. No one here can accurately tell you what to do. No judgment. It’s just a matter of how much integrity you value living your life by.
I know some people who stay in bad relationships or where they aren’t happy because they haven’t yet mustered the ability to stand on their own two feet. Everyone does what they need to do in their own time and sometimes you’ve got to make a bad choice to learn what a good choice looks like.
I’m with Maddie. Neither of these guys is Mr. Right. When you’re with the right person, you aren’t thinking of anyone else and you sure aren’t meeting up with anyone else behind your man’s back.
You know there is a third option – reclaiming yourself and doing the work to meet the real Mr. Right. Worth considering!February 7, 2024 at 8:18 am #943564
You are all right. When I med fiancé I had no idea the issues he had with his ex wife and son. NO CLUE. It wasn’t until like, 9 months in, that I realized the situation. And still I figured it would work itself out. I’m deeply in love w/ fiancé, because of who he was as a friend, before we were together, and who he is now. He’s a loving, generous, emotionally safe, man, who is there whenever I need him, sacrificial, fun…someone I can go to with anything I have. He’s been patient with me when I had my many insecurities. The problem is I don’t feel passion with him like we did in the beginning. Life has taken so many turns for us both, and we’ve both gone through a lot within our lives that now we are just tired. But we’ve been there for each other and I can’t picture life without him.
Ex, on the other hand, doesn’t have ex wife and kid drama but never committed to me fully. He has money though, properties, an education, as do I , and a stable career. He’s travelled, he’s cultured, as am I. Fiancé doesn’t even have a passport. And I had to introduce him to cuisines that I had been eating since I was a teenager.
The draw of the ex is his masculine ways, his similarities with me, and how calm and in control he is. He also has a large successful cultured family as I do. And yes, the sex was out of this world. I miss the passion we had. I felt beautiful with him. I do not feel beautiful with fiancé. When I get dressed in the morning to meet him, I don’t know what to put on because he hasn’t told me what he likes. I have no idea what color he prefers, which perfume he lkes…nothing…and It’s killing me and actually making me angry as I text this. I’m just confused….February 7, 2024 at 2:45 pm #943562
why are you with someone who does not have his life together? why are you engaged with someone who brings nothing but only million problems to the table? isn’t it easier to wait for someone who has his sh*t together?? till you find that person why don’t you stay single?? I think this is more about you comparing your present bf’s status & complicated life vis-a-vis your ex-bf’s status & easy life & finding your present bf lacking! you guys broke off for a reason. so why revisit the past? that’s done and over with… my suggestion is to take a good hard look at your present relationship. if it’s not really what you want and is just giving you anxiety and stress, break it off and move on. you shouldn’t be contacting your ex simply because your unhappy in your present relation.February 7, 2024 at 3:27 pm #943567
With the additional info, you may be wasting your time with your fiance, but you are DEFINITELY wasting time with your ex. When someone won’t commit then they’re not emotionally available to you. People generally fall in one of two camps when dating someone unavailable: 1. They know they deserve better and deserve commitment so they lose interest in a guy who won’t step up. 2. They fall in love with the passion of the chase, because every time the guy gives you attention your anxiety gets temporarily relieved and you feel the high of winning him over and like maybe if you’re good enough you can get him to stick around this time… when in reality, it’s his problem if he doesn’t want to commit, not yours to try to fight through. #2 is the same feeling as gambling. You feel great when you actually win, but in the meantime you’ve wasted a lot of time and money playing again and again, and you’ll start losing if you keep playing. There’s no stability, and eventually you’ll be drained and feel terrible when you lose more than you win.
It’s easy to have passion in a relationship with no security. It’s harder to always have overwhelming feelings of excitement when you’re doing day to day life with someone. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, you’re just building something different and with legs rather than chasing passion and lack of availability.
Your finance being willing to commit doesn’t necessarily make him the right guy for you in many other ways! But your ex being non committal means he’s totally wrong, so try getting rid of him entirely as a romantic prospect instead of fantasizing about how he’s good on paper. It’s also important to be able to feel beautiful on your own without relying on a man to give you value, so don’t let your insecurities make you sell yourself short. The goal is feeling beautiful even without a man, but to find a man who sees your value too and treats you accordingly. A man who doesn’t have his life together is going to have a difficult time doing that.February 12, 2024 at 9:52 am #943578
Thank you everyone, you’ve given me a lot to consider and face. You’re all correct. My present situation is stress-ridden, the old isn’t but also not necessarily good for me either. Being single is the best bet. I just don’t have the strength to actually leave my fiance. There is genuine love there, even when we were friends. We’ve gone through many hard trials together, not always only his, he’s helped me a ton with things that came my way. But still, I have some thinking to do. And it won’t be effective if I’m talking to an ex…
Thank you all =)February 12, 2024 at 12:34 pm #943579
Good for you Sarah.
Here’s the thing – you can love someone and be great friends, but that doesn’t automatically make for a great marriage. Sounds like that’s what you’ve got. I’ve stuck around too long with men who had too much drama going on with an ex and kids and it wasn’t good for me or us. They were good men but they weren’t really all present in the relationship. I had to decide what I really wanted and stand up for it. When I did that I stopped getting guys in turmoil.
It’s not going to be easy but you do need to leave your fiancé, you will both be better off in the long run. Please come back and update us how you’re getting on.February 12, 2024 at 5:01 pm #943583
Good luck Sarah, breaking off an engagement is tough but you can do it.
Free yourself to find the love you deserve. Take care!