Is this too much too soon?

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  • #943732 Reply

    I posted a month and a half ago about a guy I have been seeing since September, and he stuck around through me losing my dad, I am 25 and he is 26 in the NYC area. I spent some time processing my feelings for him and I realized I missed him a lot and he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed. He told me I love you just last week. I invited him to a small beach vacation I have in June for a few nights. I think as his way of reciprocating, he told me he asked if he could bring a plus one to his cousin’s wedding in his hometown a week before I have this other planned family vacation. I was floored to be honest. He is from Florida, and is willing to pay for my plane ticket. I would be meeting his parents for the first time AND sleeping in their house all at once. It doesn’t help I work weekends and have to jump through hoops to get this confirmed off, a week before I have my own week off for vacation. I’m realizing its just too much right now. He did say if its more stressful than fun for this, there will be other chances for me to go to Florida and meet his family, and I am afraid it’s too much for me. I am worried he will be upset and mad about this but he did give me an out. I would like to go but we haven’t even slept in the same bed yet ourselves, and there’s too many unknowns. If maybe I have met his parents before in a more casual setting than staying at the house I would feel less stressed. How do I explain this to him? I was planning to just say I can’t get off the Friday before and its too difficult, and not mention all my hangups because I think it’ll make him upset. This is very new for me!!

    I think its great he wants to introduce me to his whole family and I think it could be fun, but like, I’m worried even about me going number 2 at his parents house!!! lol

    #943733 Reply

    From all your posts about him, it sounds to me like he’s way more into you than you into him. I’m surprised after your last post you actually agreed to be his GF.

    You’re still kind of all over the place about him. You give a bunch of reasons why you don’t want to go and then you say you would like to go. Which is it?? He says it’s OK if you don’t want to go and there will be other opportunities to go to Florida and then you say you’re fearful he’ll be mad at you if you say you don’t want to go. And you are contemplating lying about it.

    Is it normal for you to be this ambivalent and unwilling to communicate your true feelings???? What’s really going on here?

    #943734 Reply

    I think you’re looking for reasons to be unhappy…

    #943735 Reply

    Whatever you decide, don’t lie to him about it. That will create more problems down the line, both from you stuffing down your needs and feelings so that they can’t get resolved or processed and from him likely being upset when you blindside him with all these issues you’re having only after it’s too late for him to even try to work with you to address them.

    If you’re not ready for the relationship he wants (or you don’t want it with him), it’s also not fair to hide that from him. He deserves to know how you’re feeling. Then he’ll have the information to decide if the speed you’re going works for him too or if you two are actually at incompatible life stages (way better for you both to rip off the bandaid if that’s the case). But if he’s giving you an out then he’s likely going to be disappointed you’re not going but continued patient since he’s given no indication yet that he won’t be understanding. Working through that together by speaking honestly will also further build trust in your relationship.

    I hope you’re still in therapy working through your anxious attachment style and grief processing about your dad.

    #943736 Reply

    Also, everything you’ve written is from a place of fear (of how he will respond, of the unknown, of the possibility of being uncomfortable with the accommodations, of asking for the time off at work, FOMO, etc). It’s much more difficult to make good decisions for yourself when they’re all fear-based. It’s very difficult to figure out how to meet your own needs when you’re acting out of fear.

    #943743 Reply

    Raven – I think you may be right. I tend to overthink and worry about a lot of things, so this would make the most sense. My mom said too that it seems like I’m trying to search for something wrong. Maddie, I am in therapy and aiming at doing grieving journal prompts a few times a week which has immensely helped, sometimes it still hits you like a wave though. I am not lying to him, but my job did not give me a clear answer yet if I can have that Friday off before the wedding which is absurd imo, so, but I still want to go. It’s a few days, I’ll muster through the new situation and am very excited overall. My mom mentioned its too much too soon and yet my friends said it sounds like it could be really fun lol so I got whiplash from it all and really sat with what I want to do. He did grow on me and he really means a lot to me which I wasn’t expecting that to grow. He’s really been there for me and has been incredibly patient. I am keeping decent boundaries, because I know in previous dynamics, I have felt constantly on edge with men I have dated and I think deep down I still have to resolve that.

    He also has a lot of friends that are women. He is very vocal about it and tells me when he is visting and or spending time with these friends, but he has told me he is friends with some people he used to hook up with, and I personally think its very difficult to keep that boundary once its been crossed. He visited a friend that is a woman out in Texas this past weekend, and another friend who is a woman flew out to join them (friends from college, he has known for 7 years) and he has been vocal what he is doing and one of them is in a relationship etc and they are extremely platonic. So I think maybe that has been affecting me, although he has given me no signs of him doing anything wrong and I think I just need to get over this hump of that he has a lot of friends that are girls. (And I personally don’t want him to tell me if I meet any of them, that he had sex with them so I hope he can keep that to himself). Basically this is all a me thing

    #943745 Reply

    Ella, thanks for the back story. Now your post makes a lot of sense. I’m impressed with your level of self-awareness. He sounds like a good guy. I can also see why you’re nervous about all the female friends he has, particularly if he’s had sex with some of them. Remember that it’s generally much easier for men than women to have sex without developing any emotional attachment. This guy has a pretty good track record of demonstrating you are the only woman he’s interested in.

    #943797 Reply

    So I decided to go to the wedding and travel with him to meet his parents for June. It has all been going well but I am starting to notice he has MANY friends that are women. And not all of them are super close to him but he actively makes plans with them. He strikes me as loyal but he doesn’t give much info to how close he is with some of them and he says names that I never heard of and it throws me. The past few weekends he has gotten coffee with separate women, tells me hes doing it (i haven’t been asking), so he’s being upfront about it. But I find it very odd he’s still actively doing this and I don’t really know if they are texting him to make plans or if he is. And since he has told me he still keeps in touch with some people he has had sex with because he doesn’t like to cut things off poorly, I personally think he doesn’t wanna come across as a “bad guy”. I told him I do not keep in touch with anyone I have had sexual relationships prior.

    I am not jealous per say, but this has been making me feel uncomfortable with how many women he is hanging out with one on one. And I don’t really know these people or the situation they have had prior. Last week he got coffee with a friend and she started crying in the coffee shop about her boyfriend just dumped her and today a different woman he met for coffee, her dad also died recently. So clearly these women are emotionally opening up to him and I feel like weird for being another woman doing so? Even though I am his girlfriend, but I don’t want to do that? I haven’t been but he always says to me how he’s there to support me and to listen if ever I need. Is there a way to bring this up without pointing fingers? I am not suggesting he would cheat or do anything at all, nor do I want him to feel like I am saying you can’t hangout with these women, and he should continue doing what he wants with his friends. But I feel so weird about this. I don’t think he would feel comfortable with me getting coffee with different men every weekend either?

    This strikes me as something as just how he is. But I don’t want to be competing with these other women. He has made some truly grandiose romantic gestures lately and told me I am the love of his life and yet he gets coffee with a different woman. I just feel very thrown and am unsure what to do. And worried if I bring this up I am showing a big insecurity to him and obviously am not accusing him of anything. Its just weird. I met his one core group of friends who are mostly women, and they all have boyfriends and they hugged me and said how it was like finally “meeting a celebrity” so he has talked about me a lot to them. But these other women who he meets up with every few months to “catch up” just really confuses me. Like why is he doing that?

    #943798 Reply

    It still sounds like you’re trying to look for problems and find things to be anxious and afraid about to create distance.

    You can tell him you’re not used to significant others who have so many friends of the opposite gender and you’re struggling a little to get used to it. That’s honest but owning your own feelings. Then see what he says or see if he’s dismissive of you.

    Since he’s being upfront and not hiding you in any way or shying away from commitment or hiding who he is, it sounds like you shouldn’t expect him to change for you because he’s not doing anything wrong. Which means it’s something you need to decide if you can be comfortable with or if it’s too much of a value conflict and the incompatibility is a dealbreaker for you.

    I’d personally drop someone who told me they couldn’t ever be comfortable with me being friends with certain people, because it would show they don’t trust me and they don’t trust my decisions / judgement, so a relationship isn’t going to work. You also can’t say you trust him but not the women, because it still goes back to if he’s really a good, solid guy then he’s not going to choose to hang around women who are actually coming onto him. So, you either trust his judgement or you don’t.

    If this is a dealbreaker for you that’s still okay! Plenty of people are comfortable with partners with platonic friends of the opposite gender and plenty of people aren’t. No one is wrong for feeling how they feel, but they may have incompatible lifestyles. You date a person to figure stuff like this out before choosing to fully commit.

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