Am I single?

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  • #943818 Reply

    Hey All,
    I’ve been dating a guy for two months. We’ve not had a conversation about whether or not we are exclusive. But we talk and/or text multiple times a day, see each other at least once a week and have had a romantic weekend away together. Our friends know about each other but we haven’t introduced them yet (with the exception of my best friend.) His one friend even texted him the other day asking if we were around to hang out and he referred to me by name. This past week I’ve been getting some mixed signals though. The substance of the texts has been a little different on his end (not as flirty) and for the first time ever in our relationship he didn’t make plans with me before I left him after our date this week. But then at the same time before I left his place he woke me up with breakfast in bed and also talked to me about what I wanted to do for our next weekend away and about a future trip he wants to take with our kids (who haven’t met yet.) He also told me about a conversation he had with someone where they called me his “girlfriend” and he didn’t say that he corrected them. I just have a weird vibe right now. His good morning text this morning was shorter than usual too which is what prompted me to post here. I’m not asking you all to figure out what he’s thinking or anything. Obviously you don’t know him so how would you know/that’s my job to do if I decide I need to know. My real question is – do we have to have the “what are we” conversation for me to no longer be single? I know I want to have that conversation eventually but I don’t know that I want the title quite yet so I don’t want to have the conversation yet. Just wondering if I should be dating other people right now or what. Sorry, I’ve been out of the game a long time.

    Thanks so much for reading.

    #943819 Reply

    This is the classic “situationship” women paint themselves into when they start sleeping with a man without understanding if the two of them are both on the same page or not.

    You’re not single, you’re not coupled, you’re in the twilight zone and the control is 100% in his hands. These things usually fall apart when the women makes noises about wanting more.

    FYI, there’s no such thing as mixed signals if you’re not in a committed relationship.

    You’ve gotten ahead of him. Slow down and let him lead and prioritize his actions over his words, they will tell you the truth. Pretty words are meaningless. Give it a few more weeks and then ask a few subtle questions. “What are we” isn’t the best way to ask.

    Always remember men are very capable of enjoying a woman’s company by taking her out on dates and sleeping with her without wanting anything more. The best way to ensure you aren’t with one of those is to hold off on sleeping with a guy until you know what he’s looking for.

    #943820 Reply

    You can / should be dating other people if either: you’re not sure you want to commit to him, or if seeing other people would help you feel less invested (it’s appropriate not to be very invested yet at 2 months) but would also not interfere with the connection you have with him either. People get the advice to keep seeing other people if either it is extremely early (first few dates) so you don’t know each other yet and are still pacing yourself and exploring connections, or if you’re getting hung up on someone who doesn’t seem to want to commit. Dating others may help you mirror that person’s behavior so that you don’t feel resentful, like you’re wasting time, or losing yourself over-investing and so you don’t close yourself off from potentially more compatible connections. If none of that is a concern and you feel good about yourself no matter what he’s doing, then dating others isn’t a necessity. It’s just a personal preference or not before you define the relationship.

    Technically you are still single though until you both discuss otherwise, because that’s the mature way to communicate and not mindread or assume. What do you think you’d get out of meeting new people to date at this stage?

    #943824 Reply

    Thanks for reading and commenting Angie. Truth be told as harsh as this sounds given it’s only two months in I’m a little more concerned with where I am than where he is. The texts he’s sending everyday including today are still telling me I’m beautiful and amazing they’re just less sexual (and I know the risk I’m running by admitting that but oh well that’s the truth.) And those are the ones I think keep things fun and playful so a week without them is a little weird. I think if I had the exclusivity conversation with him he’d be in I just don’t know that I’m there yet. He plans great dates, not just dinners and bars but massages and out of town overnights. He’s giving me all the signs this week has just been a little less flirty and that’s making me wonder if maybe he’s upset with me. Again not what I’m asking here it’s more so how am I supposed to be proceeding and behaving under the circumstances.

    Maddie you hit the nail right on the head. It’s new and I’m still a little worried about putting myself all the way out there so to me it seems I should be dating around so that I’m not getting too invested. I really don’t want to do that though because I am happy with the guy I just want to make sure I’m not making any rash decisions about him or us and that my being so into him isn’t a product of just not dating anyone else (I hope that makes sense.) I guess in a way I’m hoping that dating around maybe gives me some more insight and clarity and that it also helps quell my nerves when I do get an off vibe from him. I don’t know – clearly haha.

    Thank you both for weighing in I really appreciate it.

    #943830 Reply

    Why did you not clarify when he said the girlfriend thing? Could have been done playfully at that point.This all seems like some crap communication, mostly on your end. Yes, you need to have the conversation. If you cannot, you are not mature enough to date. And please check your expectations. He is still asking you out, contacting you? Not every text is going to set your panties on fire. I hope you had a what are you looking for convo before date 3 and you did not have sex with him before you had talked through what it meant for you. Letting him lead is not out about being a needless wonder

    #943831 Reply

    You seem to be hypervigalent and anxiously attached. Please just say… hey this has been a fun few months, we have not yet discussed what we are looking for, here is what I am looking for… how about you? How are you feeling this is going and where are you at with other people? If this scares him away, he was not into you or immature. A man not your boyfriend by 6-12 weeks won’t be. He already mentioned the g word, so you can just ask him about it… you used the g word… is that where we are? Please stop expecting communication to be so hot and bothered, it is unsustainable

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