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When to Have Sex With a Guy


Many years ago, a guy friend said something that completely changed the way I viewed sex and relationships. He said: “Before a girl sleeps with a guy, she has all the power. Afterward, he has all the power.” I’ve told this to countless friends, both male and female, over the years and have been met with a resounding: “That is so true!.” You can choose to agree or disagree, but there’s no denying that sleeping with a guy has a significant impact on the relationship and can either deepen it or turn it into a physical thing without an emotional leg to stand on.

Most men want sex and most women want a commitment. That’s not to say men don’t want commitment, they do, it’s just not the driving force behind their behavior, getting a lot of sex is. You can blame it on biology and a man’s innate need to spread his seed, or on today’s culture which deems men who sleep with lots of women studs (and women who sleep with lots of men sluts), but it’s just the way it is. As such, women have control when it comes to sex and can decide whether to give in or not, while men have the control when it comes to commitment.

There will be some women who will argue with this fact, and counter by saying they know tons of women who enjoy casual sex and lots of men who are yearning for commitment. Yes, there are people like this, but I’m speaking about the rule, not the exceptions. You don’t often see a woman plotting ways to sleep with many men and wiggle out of any sort of commitment, or a man trying to figure out how to get a girl to just commit and want only him. Just as there is a stigma against women who sleep with a lot of men, there is a stigma against men who are super into commitment and invest way too soon. I’ve dated guys like that, the ones who were ready to marry me on the first date, and I wasn’t flattered…I was freaked out.

The truth is, deciding when to sleep with a guy is important and will have an impact on your relationship. And it’s your decision to make. No girl has ever lost interest in a guy because he slept with her on the first date while guys lose interest in girls all the time for giving it up too soon.

A close friend of mine recently met an amazing guy on an online dating site. He was smart, successful, and a dead ringer for Bradley Cooper. Things got off to a promising start. They exchanged a few flirty messages and he asked her to go out on a Saturday night. They had an amazing time on the date, they continued to message, and he asked her out for the following Saturday early in the week. Another nice date with pleasant conversation and enjoying each other’s company (and some passionate making out) and he again reserved her for the following Saturday night.

Before the date she told me she was a little unsure about this guy. She thought he was great on paper and all but she didn’t really feel like they had so much to talk about, she mostly just thought he was really hot. She decided she was gonna sleep with him after their third date and I didn’t really offer much in the way of advice since it didn’t seem like she was interested in having a real relationship
with him.

So they had a passionate night together and continued to text one another but something had shifted…

My friend told me that she was waiting for him to ask her out for that Saturday night because she had purchased tickets to a booze cruise and thought that would make a fun date. He usually asked her out for Saturday night no later than Wednesday and when he still hadn’t asked her out by Thursday she started to panic.

They were still in contact; he would still text her messages full of sexual innuendos. But sometimes he didn’t text for days at a time, or would just drop off mid-convo when she asked him about something non sex-related.

Suddenly, their relationship went from elegant Saturday night dates to random 2 am hookups. He never texted her earlier than 11pm and while he was nice and sweet and all that when they hung out, all he wanted was to fool around (and sometimes order in food and fool around).

I stood silently as the whole thing started to unravel. I make it a policy not to give my friends relationship advice unless they explicitly ask for it (and a lot of the time they won’t because they know I’ll hit them with the truth and they would rather stay in denial-ville). Also, my friends sometimes get mad at me for not giving them the answers they want so in order to keep the peace, I will stay mum until things get dire.

And when they did, my friend finally called me up and said: “I don’t get this, I really, really like him. What did I do wrong?

I first pointed out the fact that she didn’t start really, really liking him until he stopped acting that way toward her. But even still, I told her flat out that she slept with him too soon. It was a pretty open and shut case, probably one of the easiest relationship questions brought to me.

“What do you mean?” She countered. “I waited until the third date! Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?”

I tried to stifle my laughter at the absurdity of her statement. “Okay, well tell me this. What did you actually know about this guy? What do you know about him that you couldn’t find out from his online dating profile or Facebook page?”

“Ummm…… Well he would show me pictures of his nieces and nephews and talk about them!”

“Doesn’t count. Anyone on Facebook could see the pictures and I’m sure he talks about them to his friends and co-workers. Do you know what his ultimate goals are? His fears? What makes him happy? What his weak points are?”

“Well no…”

And therein lies the problem. She slept with him before they developed any sort of a real connection. They were still in the casual getting to know one another phase. He hadn’t shown any level of investment (I know going on three Saturday night dates in a row with a guy can feel like he’s investing, but it’s not so). They didn’t really know each other, all they knew were the superficial details that anyone else can be privy to.

When it comes to sleeping with a guy, the quantity of dates is an arbitrary measure of the state of your relationship. What matters is the quality of the time you spend together on these dates. A girl who sleeps with a guy on the first date after an evening of intense, meaningful conversation that fosters a bond is much more likely to have a lasting relationship than a girl who sleeps with a guy she hasn’t really formed a connection with on the fifth date.

MORE: Ask a Guy – Is Sex on the First Date A Relationship-Killer?

The guy my friend was dating never really invested in her. Yeah, he was attracted and somewhat interested, but after sex was in the mix, he lost interest in pursuing things further. Why should he take her out on nice dates and wine and dine her when he can call her at 1 am when he’s feeling horny and get his needs met? When sex comes before a real emotional connection has been established, it’s hard to rewind the clock.

The right time to sleep with a guy is when he has shown a level of investment in you. Period.

This doesn’t necessarily mean he calls you his girlfriend or said he loves you. It means you both are able to drop your masks and be real when you’re together. It means he shares things with you he doesn’t share with other people in his life (and vice versa). It means he cares about you and respects you as a person.

As women, we’ve been told all our lives that we need to make a guy wait for sex, like it’s some carrot to dangle in front of him in order to get what we want out of him. I get where the idea comes from, and there is a grain of truth in there, but it’s not the entire picture. The fact is, men don’t value what they perceive is readily and easily available to all other men.

When you sleep with a guy before you really know him, it’s easy for him to assume that any other guy could have done it. When you sleep with him after getting to know who he truly is, he believes that you slept with him because of how amazing he is and you wouldn’t have given in so easily if it were any other guy. See the distinction?

Any article you read on this subject will tell you to wait before sleeping with a guy, the longer the better. But no one really tells you what you’re supposed to be doing while you’re making him wait and that is establishing a real connection! Making him wait as a way to gain leverage or to make him chase you is just silly and won’t get you the relationship you want.

Guys appreciate women who are genuine and authentic and you’d be surprised how easily they can distinguish between a woman holding out as a means of manipulating him into feeling what she wants him to feel and a woman who holds out because she respects herself and is still trying to decide if this man is worth investing in any further.

Sex and relationships are two entirely different things for men and they don’t necessarily see sex as a measure of the depth of the relationship like most women do, for guys sex is more of a reward for being in the relationship. Having sex with a guy is not enough to make him want to commit. Men do not get into relationships purely based on physical attraction and a man wanting to sleep with you is not a measure of his actual feelings for you.

Before sleeping with him you have to really realize that having sex with him will not guarantee a relationship or any sort of commitment. If that’s what you’re hoping for then you’re setting yourself up to be greatly disappointed. It seems obvious, and yet, so many women get tripped up in this area. Before sleeping with a guy you have to determine if he’s interested in you or interested in having sex with you. The trouble is,  it’s not always easy to distinguish between these two vastly different things.

The decision of when to sleep with a guy is unique to every person and every relationship. You can’t … (continued – Click to keep reading When to Have Sex With a Guy)

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Dean

This is so off base its not funny. Could it be that a lot of things were great about you, but having sex with you was not??. All woman are not equal when it comes to that..not even close…. If everything adds up and we have sex and that dont line up, guess what… next. Stop holding your vagina as something special, its not. 4 billion people on this earth. Have sex, enjoy it and if it turns into something more than great, if not..there are a million different reason why.

Reply September 25, 2016, 7:21 am

Maggie B

Thanks to all the guys…..it was nice to hear the honest opinion and not the opinion of what girls think men are thinking. I think i now have the truth. Knowledge is power. . Refreshing!

Reply November 27, 2016, 6:02 pm

Cocomind

FANTASTIC article!

Reply August 10, 2016, 9:32 am

Cocomind

My absolute favorite relationship therapist (drpatallen.com) advises women to wait for sex until you have a commitment from a man. Ladies, if you’re interested in a relationship, this is critical! This is a sure way to see if men are interested in you or what they can get from you! Figure out their intentions BEFORE you have sex with men; it’ll save you A LOT of heartache.

Dr. Allen says that men compromise by giving men women a commitment, and women compromise by giving men sex. If you give up sex before commitment, you have no bargaining power.

Tune in to Dr. Pat radio show on LA Talk Radio every Friday at 7p PST. You can also check out the replays online!

Reply August 10, 2016, 9:22 am

Mary

This is true, what you say. But personally I don’t see such a difference between not to committing to you and cheating on you after committing- which is often the case. Those “wise” girls who count on everything before sleeping with a guy usually end up having a relationship but the guy doesn’t stop his wandering and after some time the girl is turned to a mature mother figure who tolerates infidelities and suffers in silence. It is better to be left for having sex on your terms than always suppress yourself & act according to the diplomacy.
And I don’t understand having “power” in such relationships.

Reply August 5, 2016, 5:27 am

Gillian

I believe that this approach is an absolute necessity if you are truly seeking a relationship…For years I had sex too early and suddenly I was “with” him, often from my end only. It does change the dynamic of an early relationship. You no longer see red flags for what they are…you establish over and over that he’s with you because he likes you, not just having sex…you wait for every little communication from him and define and tweak it to prove that he likes you as a woman, not just your capabilities in bed. You justify not being treated as “a girlfriend” because, well, you’ve decided that it’s alright…after all, lying together gazing into each other’s eyes is so telling..!

…The thing is, you have NO way of knowing what’s going on with him, and don’t want to seem desperate approaching him to ask your relationship really means. Oftentimes he’ll smile, say how great you are and suggest you stay in for the evening (for more sex…)

Sex is a very important part of a relationship; but it is only part. How you get along, similarities and differences, what can you overlook that you’re unsure about, should you overlook what you’re unsure about, how he deals with conflict — his own, or even disagreements about where to eat…Bottom line: Will you truly enjoy one another after the height of passion has leveled out? Laugh together? Share things?Feel comfortable? Be yourself and enjoy who he is? That’s a relationship. Good sex changes how realistically you see him.

This is the first time (divorced and 47) that I’ve decided to wait and not put sex in the mix to early, clouding what is really going on. It’s a good way to go.

By the way, I’ve lived through tons of casual sex/FWB situations, knowing full well that’s all they were. It was a good way to go at that point in my life…

Reply July 25, 2016, 2:32 pm

Nadia

I think this article is complete B-S…just because her friend met a douchebag, doesn’t mean all men think the same way! I’m so tired of woman being told that they have to hold in their sexual tendencies because they will be viewed a certain way…guess what, if you are with a guy who still thinks women haven’t evolved in the past 50 years, he is NOT worth YOUR time! Sexuality is a private matter and no one should make you feel guilty about it…I know plenty of relationships that started with sex and now they are married with kids! Sex is getting to know someone but in another language…if someone bugs off after having slept with them, most of the time, it’s because they didn’t feel connected sexually and not because you put out too soon! If that’s the case, tell him to go back to his mommy!!

Reply May 24, 2016, 10:03 pm

Arya

What this boils down to is: Sleeping with a man won’t make him want to commit to you.

But let’s be clear:
A man who truly likes you won’t stop liking you after sex!
A man who just wants sex will leave you after he gets what he wants.

Sex is a way to see a man’s true colours. Not always the best way, but good enough for those horny times. Don’t let ANYONE make you feel like less of a woman for “giving it up too early”.

Reply February 23, 2016, 8:46 pm

Eric Charles

Agreed.

A really easy way to see a guys true colors is to look…

By that I mean, instead of looking at a guy as some sort of “access gate” to a get a relationship, you spend time with him and enjoy the experience at face value.

If you enjoy spending time with him, great – you spend more time with him. If you don’t, you don’t spend more time with him.

In most cases on this site, I see women acting as if getting a relationship was going to solve all their problems, make them happy, make them feel complete, make them feel worthy, make them feel good about themselves, etc…

… and so they treat guys as if they’re withholding access to this amazing relationship experience, and the women are desperately trying to win him over so he “gives it” to her.

Problem is… there’s no such thing. Guys aren’t withholding anything from you… and they certainly aren’t withholding your happiness, wholeness, sense of worth, etc.

When a woman wants to “win over” a guy, it’s a losing proposition to begin with. When you think he’s withholding something amazing that you want to get, you’re going to lose. At best, you’re going to treat your time with him as a “means to an end” so that you can eventually get your relationship (a dehumanizing and very disconnected way to deal with someone) and at worst you’ll be mindlessly chasing something that doesn’t exist and resenting every guy that doesn’t “give you” that mystical thing.

When a woman isn’t thirsty for a relationship, but still open to dating, she can spend time with a guy and enjoy it at face value. She’ll be able to clearly see who he is and how she feels when she’s with him, without distorting it into some mental fiction of “what could be…”. When you spend time with people and enjoy it at face value, nothing more, it’s pretty easy to see someone’s true colors – you just have to not be thirsty to “get something” from them.

Reply February 24, 2016, 10:40 am

Gg

Excellent article.. That’s using the brain right there 😉

Reply February 5, 2016, 2:54 pm

Aneeza

its really nice but sex is personal in Life no one can explain in words

Reply January 27, 2016, 5:38 am

vamsi

wow grate article , i cannot imagine like these type of writing skill will have..

Reply December 31, 2015, 1:26 pm

Alex Manzino

‘Scuse you bitch you are very wrong. Get cultured and get your head out your ass b/c most women today are not like this. Please stop spreading ignorance.

Reply December 19, 2015, 6:27 pm

Jason

Sabrina Alexis is spot-on in this article. I’m a 60 year old who spent the better part of 15 years trying to impress these ideas upon my daughter as she grew up.

Reply November 18, 2015, 11:52 am

schmeper mcschmeperton

You did ok for an article like this but there were a couple glaring mistakes.

One, you use huge gender based american generalizations. beliefs, vibes, culture, they all fit into the picture, negative outdated dead and gone stereotypes of ‘guys are like this, girls are like this” don’t belong in a conversation like this if you’re trying to be intelligent and more realistically definitive. There are many differences in people and vibes, and gender does nothing to define the manner in which someone wants to relate to the other. It takes a little more work to define the parameters of what one person might be working from as their operating template if you’re try to offer a hypothetical juxtapositioning of interactive romantic partners, but it will make the overview and hypothesis you want to offer so much more rich and accurate if you take a little extra time to offer the different parameters of the hypothetical modus operandi of the people getting to know one another in question. Please read Margret mead for more insight on this.

Second, you missed a couple key points that were hard to read through.

On the section where you said “The guy my friend was dating never really invested in her. Yeah, he was attracted and somewhat interested, but after sex was in the mix, he lost interest in pursuing things further. Why should he take her out on nice dates and wine and dine her when he can call her at 1 am when he’s feeling horny and get his needs met? –

I think you missed a very key insight. I’m pretty sure that this gentleman in question had his doubts about her already into their 3rd date, and wasn’t sure quite where to go with it. After it became aparrant that intimacy might be available that even he probably decided to just see if it helped, and then found that it just solidified his feelings that he really didn’t care for her in the sense that he wanted to pursue the relationship anymore. It’s not that the sex ruined anything, all it did is offer clarity, and solidify a pre-existing doubt and apprehension. Once clearer heads were available and the steamy make out sesh ended, he probably thought, shit, I’m just not feeling that connection I wanted.

In the followup it was probably just a case of saying well, we could fool around and it’s an easier access than starting fresh…. but knowing all along that it wouldn’t produce the love they were hoping for of either partner. Which really kind of sucks, but I’m pretty sure that’s the dynamic at place. If they had held out past that intense urge to merge, and just said hey I dig you but I want to hold off on that… they probably would have then had a few more conversations and realized that the big spark wasn’t there.

The other part is I noticed this horseshit of texting as a means of communication. Texting contains less than 8 percent of the way we communicate. 80-85 percent is non verbal. So when you factor in that even when you hear someone, it’s still easy to misunderstand something….. even when you can hear the vibes a little clearer, texting as a way of trying to interact with someone that you’re hot for like that is really a huge huge fail. I mean this more as a generational epidemic that’s hurting relationships. If you really dig on someone, and you really want to make your interactions have the best full chance at happiness, then you really want to make sure there’s no room for error, or miscommunication. Save a lazy chicken short cut like a text message for something you do waaayyyy down the road after you’re much more familiar with each other, and your familiarity and love can fill in the in each other’s messages with the right vibes and inner narration. THEN and only then is it maybe ok, for little things, once in a while, once you’re both feeling solid and happy and can interact like that a little more safely without rocking the boat too much.

Otherwise you had some nice insights and I appreciate you trying to discuss this topic. I wish you love, mercy, and compassion.

Reply November 1, 2015, 3:40 am

michael Thomas

As a man, I can say that she screwed up BAD with this guy.. she NEVER should have NEVER gave up the goods so soon, I have been married for 25 years ( this Year) and my wife made me WORK for the yummyness, it was about a month of being together almost everyday, and believe me when I say I TRIED to get into her panties every chance I could, now dont get me wrong we petted and made out but when I went for the homerun she every so gently moved my hand and said ” ah ah ah SLOW DOWN stud”.. and of course I was like homer ” DOAH” ( forehead slap) everytime.. BUT I can honestly say it was WELL worth it.. by making me wait she did a couple things, one thing she did was make me realize she was NOT an easy HO. ( major.marrried material) another thing was since I couldnt get into her panties I was forced to get to know her. not a bad thing but at 19 THAT is a hard thing to do. getting past the constant sex thoughts is a mission in itself and happy to say mission accomplished, I fell in love with HER and then I fell into LUST.. which BTW is the best way… you build a foundation thats solid.. after 25 years I am still in LOVE and LUST with her.. and I atribute THAT to the very begining of our relationship… if a woman want a man to fall in love with HER… make him wait.. if he sticks around, He is a keeper and if not, He wasnt worth the time anyways….

Reply September 29, 2015, 7:00 pm

JACK

How about marrying your sweety before you have sex with him. I can promise you that you will find ways to pleasure one another if you keep an open mind and do some reading together. The commitment will tide you over any rough patches until you figure it all out.

Reply September 1, 2015, 3:37 am

Michael

Meh, I’m a guy. I usually know after 5 min whether I want to have sex with a woman and after 1-2 h if a relationship is in the picture. If it’s yes/yes it doesn’t matter how long till sex. If it’s yes/no I’ll try to have sex for the rest of the date and then drop it. Some guys try longer, but I prefer having a yes/yes chance in the next date.

So basically don’t obsess over sex (that much).

Reply August 24, 2015, 2:44 pm

Frekki

I went to a college with 7 catholic girls for every guy. At least half the girls wanted to “lose it” like right now. I was flat out asked for that favour several times. I fell once, because I really liked the girl. in the end, she only wanted to lose it. The reason I was able to so easily resist, is I knew that the girls would want more out of sex than I was willing to give. Sex was easy to get, love was much harder and I am not an exploiter. I am married to my best friend, and we are looking to a wonderful retirement after four beautiful children.
Girls, wait for it. A real man who is worth your time, will want to spend his with you even without sex. I knew my wife for 3 years as a good friend before it dawned on me to date her. Your whole life is ahead of you, it’s worth the wait.

Reply August 21, 2015, 10:31 pm

Thefashionistachic

I agree

Reply February 10, 2016, 4:59 pm

Michael DB

I guess, many realize the truths expressed here. But, it’s only when well explained like this, that it helps our understanding.

I come to this though, as an older man (Retired + age) I’m single and want to remain, unfettered by a committed relationship. Which makes more sense at a younger age.

Reply August 21, 2015, 5:33 pm

Kiesha

Great article. I have been trying to explain this theory to guys I date and my friends. I use the word “celibatish” you put in great words though!! There is no timeline for sex it’s just when I feel like it’s actually right. And I can feel pieces of their soul.

Reply August 4, 2015, 12:27 pm

carla

Love this article!

Reply June 15, 2015, 8:35 pm

Eric Charles

I linked to this article today, so I wanted to share my thoughts on when to sleep with a guy…

My answer: do it when you want to. When you decide to sleep with a guy is your business and it absolutely, positively, 100% will not hurt your chances for a long-term committed relationship with him.

The only cautionary rule is that you do not sleep with a guy because you think it will score you brownie points with him or somehow get you closer to a relationship with him. It won’t. But it won’t hurt your chances either.

Sex and relationship potential are two entirely separate issues… don’t let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise.

Reply June 13, 2015, 8:46 pm

Thefashionistachic

So Eric, are you in a long term relationship?

Reply February 10, 2016, 4:57 pm

Eric Charles

Nope, I’m happily single.

Reply February 10, 2016, 11:06 pm

Barry Soetoro

When he says so!

Reply April 14, 2015, 7:21 am

Vaso

I am totally confused as there are so many differing opinions. I’ve had a first date with a guy I am 48 and he is 49. It seems we are really attracted to each other and it seems we both want a serious relationship. But it is obvious he wants sex but i am too scared to do this too quickly. Definitely won’t be next date but then? Any advice would be great!

Reply March 24, 2015, 5:35 am

CaliGirl39

You probably no longer need to know for this guy but I want to make a point about “feeling confused.” On this thread (and out in the real world) there are many differing advice/sex standards on this question and I’ve come to realize it’s a personal decision. Each of us should have our own standard or “rule of thumb” based on what sex means to us, who we are and what we’re looking for. I have sex when I feel comfortable enough to state what I want in bed (because I’m having sex for ME, not for him). When I feel comfortable happens to average about 3 dates– the # that’s become the “rule of thumb” for many women these days so it seems like my friends and I are doing the same thing, but we’re not. Frankly, I think they (and many women living in big cities), are just going along with what they think the guy wants or what they think everyone is doing and the 3rd date is just an arbitrary standard. For me having sex when I feel ready with THAT PARTICULAR guy makes me feel more in control.

Reply August 4, 2015, 11:19 am

Max

Sabrina, Nice advice, but it rides in the face of common female behavior in the 21st Century, the feminist movement, and the messaging found in most popular music and media culture, and spring break, LOL. Women today are very aggressive, they know few boundaries. They see successful males as trophies, just as males see beautiful women as trophies. Women want to be able to brag to their girlfriends about the men they get just as men do about the women they get; this is nothing new. And women often use sex as a lure to get the man they want… And most men will not say no. Keeping a man is a different story.

Sex, and how soon I copulate with a woman matters little. What matters most are things that have nothing to do with sex. Is she fun? Does she make me laugh? Am I proud to be with her? Is she a person of good character? Is she responsible and has she creating a life of her own with goals and accomplishments. Is she kindhearted and nurturing? Is she intelligent? Creative? Elegant? Articulate? Close to her family? Will she make a great mom for my children? This last one is huge but the importance of which is overlooked by most women.

Self-absorbed, ego-maniacal drama queens sporting cell phone obsessions and a belief that just because they have a vagina they will succeed in the world and can get anything they want from men, can’t get past my velvet rope. Oh, we can have fun for a night, maybe two, but these women offer nothing a quality man desires. Unfortunately, too many women fit this description here in Beverly Hills in Los Angeles.

When a girl decides to give it up has never once influenced my feelings about a girl and whether or not we have a future. But as I tell all my female friends, make yourself the best female you can be and you will rise above the players, the losers, the undesirables, and quality men with serious intent will be in hot pursuit. Everyone wants the best they can get, so why not BE the best person you can be; the rewards are wonderful.

Reply December 30, 2014, 6:08 am

zoe

Good stuff, I liked it, made a lot of sense, thank you.
Refreshing to know theres people like you out there!

Reply December 26, 2014, 12:42 am

Laura

Good article and true. Once I let my boyfriend have all of me, there was power shift. He now is able to control when and how he does it again, and that is not what I wanted.

Reply December 26, 2014, 8:00 pm

Barbara JO

“No girl ever lost interest with a guy because she slept with him on the first date.” Really? Please allow me to laugh but respect your right to your own thoughts and expression. You know that statement, “Size Doesn’t matter?” It is the purist sense of a lie that has been pushed onto women generation to generation to protect the ego of men in our patriarchal society. Many women have pulled down trousers and been grossly disappointed with what is being offered. Sorry guys. Honesty is important and so is size. Anything over 7″ long will usually assure a repeat opportunity. Over 8″ and we will be begging you for the next date as soon as possible!!
Barbara

Reply December 20, 2014, 1:12 am

Max

Barbara Jo, As a man who has known many, many women, I can assure you that most women can’t handle the sizes you mention. As a result, satisfying lovemaking is difficult due to pain and discomfort when trying to accommodate a man so well endowed, I know. You may wish to refer to some medical journals about average sex organ sizes. On the other hand, there are huge vaginas just as there are huge penises, nature accommodates. I feel sorry for you if you are choosing your men based on the size of their penis rather than the size of their brain and their heart… You seem to be unaware that the best sex is related to these two organs, not the vagina, or the penis.

Reply December 30, 2014, 5:09 am

Ray

Wow, ladies this is really simple. Sex has nothing to do with relationships.

Women overlook many guys (e.g. the nice guys) before settling on one man, and guys overlook many women, before settling on one. Now it just so happens that men have a stronger sex drive than women: they possibly have sex with the overlooked ones.

So you can make him wait 6 months and he would still disappear, or give it up on the third date and you could still get married. Again, sex is really unrelated to whether we choose to stay with someone or not (aside from the extreme exceptions).

Reply October 10, 2014, 10:42 pm

Serena

I do a fair amount of online dating. Therefore, the first date is the first time I meet them face to face. I view that time as almost a consultation. They can present great on paper, but is there actual chemistry? Because in the end, it’s always about chemistry! I think this makes the whole “should I sleep with them on the first date?” quandary more complex. Honestly, it’s only happened once for me and I don’t see it occurring again. If we like each other, it can wait one more date! Not because I am holding out over a premise similar to the article, but because I’d like to know them for more than 3 hours before shagging them!!

Overall, on whether or not to sleep with someone right away (applicable to both genders), I think it really depends on what we want. If we are looking for a GF/BF, then there is nothing wrong with going slowly. I mean, the beginning days with a lover are the GOOD stuff, the stuff to savor. Maybe that means sleeping together on date three, maybe it’s coming close, but what matters most of all is connecting and having fun. Enjoying that person’s energy, touch and such. Life is short, have fun and don’t over think it too much!

Reply September 13, 2014, 2:02 pm

Alexandra

Thank ‘s a lot for the article, I am dating with some guys and for me is really important to be clear about the real thought into his minds

Regards

Reply August 21, 2014, 9:56 am

Chris

This article fails at trying to be deeper than a pancake on an issue that really isn’t a big deep secret.

The author has an idea as to what she thinks constitutes the majority of people’s human natures – men as competitive conquerors, and women as… bimbos perhaps? While I agree that surmising ideas from a perception of what’s ‘normal’ or the ‘majority’ is about as useful as you can do in this context, is her idea of the ‘norm’ accurate? In her guestimation, she presents it as if most men are getting laid by 30+ partners per year almost all of whom are these women that are weeping into their ice-cream afterwards because he didn’t call.

Here’s my perception of the ‘norm’:

Men who leave soon after first having sex with a new woman do not simply find her attractive or compatible enough in bed to want to invest emotional energy in the relationship. And in many ways this is not something we can find out until we’ve ‘been there, done that’. Yes, in some cases we might still stick around for sex, because an available but low quality partner is often better than long stretches of celebacy. The vast majority of us (yes, majority) are not getting nearly the high volume of sexual partners that the author seems to imagine. Furthermore, contrary to the myth that a guy never gets bad sex — we get more bad sex than good. I’ve long lost count of how many women haven’t a clue what they’re doing.

Case in point – guy meets girl, dates her one night, has sex with her. It turns out to be fantastic and she’s super aesthetically appealing. Does he then run? Of course not. He will put up with a higher ratio of inconveniences and personality problems from her over other women in order to continue access to her sex. If she has a decent enough personality, he may even think he’s in love. Sound familiar? Many women are like that too, of course — it’s by no means a strategy exclusive to men.

So, what’s the solution? It’s not all that different from what the author concludes, but for entirely different reasons. Build a relationship with the person — get to know each other on a deeper level. People do that, not because they avoided having sex with each other, but because the person they’re learning about is actually… wait for it… interesting!!!

So there are different possible outcomes based on combinations of both “personability” and sex:

1) You have only one or a few dates with a guy, you have sex, he doesn’t call. Reason: The sex was bad and you were just not interesting.

2) You have a medium amount of time with the guy and he ends up bailing. Either the sex was good which kept him around longer than your personality warranted, or your personality was good but the sex ultimately failed which eventually drove him away. If both were actually good… see below.

3) A guy is with you for a very long time… sounds like you had the winning combination of compatible sex and compatible personalities! Congratulations, maybe you’ll even make a lifelong commitment!

Of course there are at least 3 billion or more exceptions to these general rules. For example, some people are so lonely that they’ll put up with someone to whom they aren’t attracted or find incompatible personality-wise, but this pther person gives them attention, so they stay in a poor relationship. Or, for another example – generally speaking people who claim ‘sex isn’t that important to them’ are either settling for bad/mediocre sex or have reached an age where hormones levels are well depleted.

It’s really not particularly complicated.

Reply August 5, 2014, 4:48 am

Ignatius

I totally agree with you! I just had a date with a girl that claimed not to be like other “easy” girls. I responded with: women love sex as much as men do. If a women feels like she wants to have sex, by all means do it. I encourage women to have sex as often as possible. BOTH parties benefit from it. More sex = less frustrated people.
I just cant comprehend why she thought her value would increase in my easy by constantly rejecting my advances to physically escalate things. We havent kissed by the second date. I’m no amateur when it comes to seduction. But this is just plain sad. I just lost attraction towards her due to her childish and prudish behavior. Acting like she is some sort of saint that is saving herself. Acting like sex aint important is off-putting. We all know sex feels amazing.. Why deny that! Just makes you look stupid in my eyes.

I dont see the need to ask her out on a third date. Why bother if she is actively rejecting all progression towards intimacy. I touch her body just to be told to cut it out or to stop. Try dealing with that amount of rejection 2 dates in a row. Im a good looking and ripped guy btw. To me it doesnt make any sense. There is a difference between plain-hard-to-get and giving and acting uninterested. That’s what my gut feeling tells me. But I digress.

Well, I came to the conclusion she isnt interested but keeps me around for validation or favors. Either a relationship progresses or its stalls and dies out.
A woman that uses sex as a manipulation tool will fail if the sex she offers is bad. Not to mention if she gives you constant shit-test and being bitchy about intimacy. When I guy finally succeeds to bang her he will evaluate her worth as a (sexual) partner. If she sucks personality- and sexualwise there is no insentive to stay for the long haul. Better find out as soon as possible if you are compatible.

The reason these women shoot themselves in the foot is that they think that guys only want sex. Forgetting that a guy will come back for more is she has a pleasing personality and is open sexually. All my relationships started of by banging girls on the first or second date. Things didnt work out because either the she was lazy in bed, not good looking enough or she was bitchy/respectless towards me.

Sometimes I stayed longer because of the sex. Like you stated, its better to have easy access to sex with a partner you dont particularly like than enduring a dry spell. We want companionship, we want love, we want adventure!
But women forget that they also need to bring value to the table. Just because you have a vagina doesnt mean you’re set. Most women fail to work on themselves. I guess that a man that’s good with women, had put in lots of hours working on himself. Most women think they dont have to do shit in order for them to attract a quality man. Entitlement!

Reply August 7, 2014, 6:53 am

rrr

“No girl has ever lost interest in a guy because he slept with her on the first date while guys lose interest in girls all the time for giving it up too soon”

Ummmm, it takes two to sex, no? So if a guy had sex with a woman on a first date and he loses interest for her for “giving it up too soon”, he’s a bloody hypocrite and certainly you don’t want to cater to such group, do you?

Sex isn’t something women have to “give up” anyway, that wording is off-putting. I always thought women are autonomous human beings capable of feeling arousal and deciding on their own they want to have sex.

Reply July 19, 2014, 4:28 am

jack sprat

“The fact is, men don’t value what they perceive is readily and easily available to all other men. When you sleep with a guy before you really know him, it’s easy for him to assume that any other guy could have done it.”

It’s not so much that we need to think that we’re unique. It’s that we figure that you’ll be as easy for the next guy who comes along. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; this guy certainly doesn’t appear to have been displaying any unwarranted jealousy.

Experience has taught women that men can become and remain intimate, even while cheating. Experience has taught men that women cannot. Most men who cheat* aren’t looking to leave. Most women who cheat* are looking for greener pastures, no matter how many of them deny that fact to themselves.

That doesn’t mean that I approve of men who cheat. I don’t. But the general rules still hold.

* “Cheat” here isn’t necessarily pejorative. It can just mean a formally or informally open relationship.

Reply July 15, 2014, 10:19 pm

Mike

Well said!

Reply July 12, 2014, 12:28 pm

Jude

all sounds very WASP American. the same people who stand around cocktail parties talking about how many calories they can eat…people who are not really inhabiting their senses…carrying giant expensive handbags. the writing could only be edifying to people who are moreso head than body.

Reply July 11, 2014, 1:25 pm

jack sprat

And you’re an aesthete who is posing as a primitive. Color me unimpressed by poseurs. Or any other manner of decadence.

Reply July 15, 2014, 10:23 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Nowhere in this article did I say you need to be “friends” first and then have sex, or that sex is an exchange of goods. I pointed out the fact that men primarily want sex and women primarily want commitment…because it’s the truth. Of course there are many men who want commitment (and many women who just want sex), but i can’t speak to individual cases, I can only speak about the majority of people. The purpose of this article is to establish an emotional connection before having sex. Establishing an emotional connection doesn’t mean your friends, it means you engage in the ubiquitous ritual known as dating! By all means kiss, hold hands, do some other stuff….but for women who want a relationship, for women who would be hurt if they slept with a guy only to learn he has no intention of being an exclusive couple…well, my advice is to wait until he shows he is invested. I hope that clarifies things for you.

Reply July 1, 2014, 5:31 pm

carla

well said!

Reply June 15, 2015, 10:36 pm

Adeyemi Ogunnubi

I always enjoy your instructive article. Thanks for sharing. Keep it up.

Reply June 11, 2014, 2:30 pm

John Dumas

The kind of guy who will bail after sex is the same guy who will fake a relationship and bail after sex, and that will feel worse!

Reply June 8, 2014, 9:30 am

rcr

what a BS article, most comments here are closer to the truth

you were freaked out by men who wanted to marry you after the first date, of course, men would be too by females like that, its common sense

sex on a first date depends on too many things including what both consenting adults consider it, i agree a lot of idiots use it a weapon of control, but they are idiots, sex is supposed to be beneficial for both parties, its not like women give something and men take something, get out of the f*cking middle ages, lady

Reply May 19, 2014, 12:35 pm

jack sprat

People’s heads are where they’re at. Telling them where they should be at isn’t helping, it’s bullying.

Reply July 15, 2014, 10:30 pm

Anne

“No girl has ever lost interest in a guy because he slept with her on the first date” – Not true! I legitimately do lose interest If I sleep with them early on. When guys are so easy I find them a complete bore afterwards and I’ll rapidly lose interest and will make zero effort to continue any future conversations etc.

Reply May 12, 2014, 4:00 am

Sabrina Alexis

If that’s the case then you are a rare exception, not the rule. And your reason for losing interest might not be the same as a man’s. Most men are motivated to be winners in the world, they want to conquer and win. A man might lose interest once he’s slept with a woman because he’s essentially won her. This won’t happen if they’ve established a deep connection, but if it’s a surface level, superficial relationships, then more often than not his interest will start to wane after sex enters the picture. Men are biologically wired to want to spread their seed… they just are. It’s not a point for debate.. it just is.

Reply May 19, 2014, 5:29 pm

drew

No mike men that cheats and leaves their women are weak and they find all sorts of excuses to justify their bad behavior

Reply September 24, 2014, 11:11 am

Joe in MN

As a man far older than you, I would agree that males are “biologically wired” to spread their seed. In a way …. but I have further learned that it is only “part of me” — guess which part!! — that operates that way, and that part of me doesn’t have to be the only decision making aspect for me. I find it easier to accept that part of me wants to have sex whenever possible, but that is a way we are wired, and it has resulted in the world having a human race that has survived the ages. Being older now, I can feel better that sex can wait until there a certain connection …. even if I wish that connection would occur more frequently!

Reply November 2, 2014, 2:02 am

jack sprat

You’re ignoring your own role in that dynamic. You were sport f%8#@ng him. Had you wanted more, he wouldn’t have gotten any until you’d made him earn it.

Reply July 15, 2014, 10:32 pm

itu moilwe

well i also think that having sex with a guy on a first date will make a ver strong foundation of your relationship,but that not meaning that one has to have sex with lots of guys after a date..

Reply May 11, 2014, 11:17 pm

Mike

People, don`t be naive. the author doesn`t seem to think, she just has her unflexible stereotipical conception of this, she doesn`t consider a lot of factors. first, all people are different, what is true about one might not be true about another. as for me, men seek not only sex but, not less important love and care.
put yourself on the guy`s place: he also wonders when it`s appropriate to have 1st sex. when to first offer not to be denied. if i offer a girl sex once and she refuses i don`t know when to offer next as i don`t know her answer. so i`m waiting for her initiative. imagine yourself offering sex to a guy and being denied, what would you feel like? humiliated! we are no different! even more, men usually have more self-respect and pride, if i can name it like that. honour is much more associated with men than women. i`d rather not offer sex for long than feel that humiliated!
have you got anything to answer to this Sabrina?

Reply May 7, 2014, 5:21 am

Sabrina Alexis

I’m not really understanding how what I said contradicts what you’re saying…. Of course every situation is different, I said that in the article…and even still, it’s important to establish a level of depth in your connection before having sex. If you have that level, then you won’t be denied if you try to initiate sex, it will be a natural development in the relationship. And I actually don’t know many men who will never try to initiate sex again if they’re rejected…that points to a personal insecurity more than a generalization of how men operate as a whole. If you’re with someone who cares for you and the relationship has deepened to a point where you can really see and appreciate one another, then I don’t see a reason why you wouldn’t express that physically. If a woman doesn’t want to and rejects your advances, then there’s something else going on. Either she’s not on the same page as you, doesn’t trust you fully, or maybe just doesn’t believe in sex before marriage.

Reply May 7, 2014, 2:02 pm

Mike

1. You write: “You don’t often see a woman plotting ways to sleep with many men and wiggle out of any sort of commitment, or a man trying to figure out how to get a girl to just commit and want only him.” I know there are many woman seeking sex not being concerned about relationships. some of them even break off with the man after the 1st sex. I don`t think it`s so hideous. It`s just a physiological need of both men and women.
On the other hand, for a normal guy commitment is usually more important than sex, I`m like this and a number of guys told me that too.
2. “…guys lose interest in girls all the time for giving it up too soon.” – wrong. stupid guys do. smart ones understand it when a girl sleeps with them because she likes them, because she wants relationships, and she wants him to see it. now think if you want a stupid or a smart guy with you?
As for me, I`ve never split with a girl BECAUSE sex happened too soon, but if I have to wait too much I begin to think maybe I can find another one. Why wait for this one if there are more than enough women who will not reject me?
3. It`s a shared opinion that sex defines in a great degree the quality of the relationship. the partners may not satisfy each other. in this case, what`s the point in losing time for this waiting period, developing the connection that will later be hard to break?
4. Usually it`s soo difficult to understand on what page she is! girls are soo reserved, closed in themselves! it hinders relations so much. most of them never show they like you, even if they really do. letting you go to those who can show you this. I don`t understand the reason of such behaviour because it makes things worse for them.
5. “I actually don’t know many men who will never try to initiate sex again if they’re rejected.” – of course. they are forced to try again because it`s NO USE waiting for a girl to initiate. but to see how it feels try to imagine yourself doing it. have you? have you thought that relationship problems, bad things guys do might be because of the humiliation they had in the beginning?

talking about generalization. even if what you say is true about most guys it`s of no help for a particular girl having some particular case. because you don`t know if he`s from the majority or different.

Reply May 8, 2014, 4:52 am

Mike

Sabrina why aren`t there on the site info about you?

Reply May 12, 2014, 2:28 pm

Mike

Don`t believe a word of this complete bulshit.

Reply May 7, 2014, 4:29 am

jack sprat

You’re all over the map, emotionally, guy. I think maybe it’s a good thing for her that there isn’t any information about her on the site.

Reply July 15, 2014, 10:39 pm

Georgia

Wow, as I’ve never had a proper proper relationship in my life and I’m really really naive in the relationship department, about how men really feel about us, this article and this website has really good tips. Thanks Sabrina xxx

Reply March 31, 2014, 11:38 am

annie

if a guy likes you enough to want to get to know you then having sex with him too soon wont make him run away. i think what it is is that often girls have sex with a guy too soon without getting to know them then the guy finds the girl not being right for them so they break it off. the girl then assumes that it was because she gave it in too quick. of course, there are those guys who are just after sex.

bottom line is if a guy likes you a lot then having sex with him too soon wont change his attraction for you. it’s when a guy is not that interested in you, then he bails after sex. of course, if he gets the chance to know you more before sex he might like you more. but there’s also a chance that he might not. so i don’t think it’s right to blame it all on sex since every relationship will be different.

Reply March 31, 2014, 10:06 am

Alexander Rose

Thank you.

Also the other thing that I didn’t mention in my original comment is that you’re not trying to “Trap a man in a relationship” you’re trying to SHARE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO MUTUALLY WANTS THE SAME THING YOU DO. AND WITH THE RIGHT PERSON.

If some dude is going to bail because he thinks you’re too easy, he subscribes to way too many Sex 2.0 type stuff which probably includes being extremely controlling and possessive. You can in no way tell those things from that but it’s just an example.

Everything that someone does is based on their belief system. You don’t want to wait to have sex with a guy because not every guy will bail after having sex with him. Whether you believe in God, or the law of attraction or the Universe.. God/The Universe, etc. brings people into your life who are meant to be there. If you second guess your natural reactions based on some advice someone gave you because they think all men will bail if you have sex with them quickly then you’re ignoring what the Universe is giving you. And that is why you’re failing in your relationships. Because you’re not paying attention. You’re spending too much time overanalyzing everything that happens.

This is what I have noticed from women AND men who have problems. “Why do you think she’s doing this?” They ask ALL their friends and their friends tell them all this stupid shit that causes the person to destroy their relationship with the person they’re with. And then add to that haters who want to see you fail. etc. etc.

Reply March 31, 2014, 4:08 pm

Luke

I think you’re missing the point of the article, what I got from it is, holding out on sex or not isn’t the issue, it’s forming an emotional bond first, as a guy I agree with most of what she wrote, particularly that I want a girl who really gets me, understands my passions and fears and what-not, and I hers, sex after a few dates where there’s no deeper connection is nothing more than a token reward for making an effort.

Reply April 23, 2014, 10:35 pm

menotyou

This reminds me of the movie ‘Sideways’ where Sandra Oh is absolutely heartbroken to find out that Jack – who she met and slept with 2 days ago and believed that he loved her – is actually getting married in 2 days. When she beats him up with a motorcycle helmet and cries, ‘You said you loved me!’ all I could think was this girl didn’t get hurt because he lied to her. She got hurt because she spread for him after knowing him just a few hours. I always wonder about women like this who can fall for something so lame so easily.

Reply March 30, 2014, 10:16 am

Alexander Rose

I stopped reading here:

“No girl has ever lost interest in a guy because he slept with her on the first date while guys lose interest in girls all the time for giving it up too soon.”

Clearly slanted and biased. A LOT of women lose interest in a guy after sleeping with him because most guys suck at sex!!!!!! This is something every woman will tell you.

Ok let’s say this. There is the right guy for a girl and the wrong guy. There are many of each. This is what happens with women. Guy A is dating Girl A who’s dating Guy A. Girl A doesn’t sleep with him because of this article. Guy A and Girl A seem really right for each other but Guy B comes along, seduces Girl A, she sleeps with him, and now she COMPLETELY FORGETS ABOUT GUY A and is now infatuated with Guy B, and ends up in a relationship with him by default, because girls want commitment. Either that or he becomes the so-called Emotionally Unavailable Man that this woman with pine over for months if not years.

Meanwhile Guy A now becomes a friend or he just leaves, either because she wouldn’t sleep with him or because she’s ignoring his calls. This has actually happened to me once before. Guess what. The “relationship” with the other guy lasted two weeks. But I was already gone.

I don’t remember the details but I kicked her to the curb completely. Because I don’t do that.

So you tell me based on this if this is good relationship advice. Honestly the whole idea of a guy ditching a girl coz she slept with him too soon is not his fault either, it’s driven by society. It’s not really his fault but this is a part of a false dichotomy (virgin/whore) that’s pervasive in society. Also known as Sex 2.0 (Google it and Sex 3.0 to find out what I mean).

So the advice in this article is basically gambling that the guy you don’t sleep with WON’T LEAVE YOU because you won’t sleep with him. Which is pretty much what every guy who has game will do, unless he’s into having multiple girls which if he is he might keep you around if he likes you to see if you’ll sleep with him or not, but he will not make any kind of investments in the relationship until you do.

I think the best course of action is to do what you feel in your heart and stop trying to over-analyze everything. If it doesn’t work out it’s because it wasn’t the right person for you. Period, but that’s only true IF YOU REALLY FOLLOWED WHAT’S IN YOUR HEART. If you sat around analyzing and asking people why he does every little thing he does and dwelling on it, that isn’t the same. Just be in the moment.

Reply March 28, 2014, 4:01 pm

jack sprat

“Clearly slanted and biased. A LOT of women lose interest in a guy after sleeping with him because most guys suck at sex!!!!!! This is something every woman will tell you.”

You know which men don’t suck at sex? The ones who were fortunate enough to encounter a woman who cared enough to help him become a better lover, mostly.

There is nothing like having reason to suspect that you’re not getting it done AND THAT IS FOREVER AND ALWAYS ALWAYS ONLY YOUR FAULT to confirm you in inadequacy. Most guys will do their level best to help a bad lay become better. It’s sad that so many gals believe that the responsibility lies solely with him.

Most lame lovers can be made whole. But not by someone who’s lying back in judgment of them.

Reply July 15, 2014, 10:52 pm

Erin

“She decided she was gonna sleep with him after their third date…”
What if on the third date they didn’t end up feeling it?
What would happen?

Decided implies she had pre-planned this. Sex is instinctual not some decision you have to make.

Sex happens when two people feel the urge to rip each others clothes off (or gradually do it, whichever works).

Point being the act of analyzing things to a point that you have to make a decision about the specific date # to have sex literally makes no sense.

Point #2: Why do women have this false idea that something called a “CONNECTION” is a prerequisite to sex?

What about the idea of being able to step back from your mental dialogue of endless analysis of when, what, how and what if …be in the moment each time you spend with a guy.

Be with him and speak with no agenda.

Speak with no worries about when there is a “connection” and what it even means.

The danger with labels is that labels ruin relationships.

Sex doesn’t ruin relationships. Sex has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than two people who simply feel like having sex.

They are in the mood.

They are turned on.

You don’t pre-plan this.

You can connect by being real with each other. Describing this decision takes something natural and organic and creates a pressure that kills the quality of sex.

The CONNECTION is something that you can take to mean anything you want.

And therein lies the problem. No not that she slept with him before they developed any sort of a real connection.

The guy my friend was dating never really invested in her. Yeah, he was attracted and somewhat interested, but after sex was in the mix, he lost interest in pursuing things further. Why should he take her out on nice dates and wine and dine her when he can call her at 1 am when he’s feeling horny and get his needs met? When sex comes before a real emotional connection has been established, it’s hard to rewind the clock.
The right time to sleep with a guy is when he has shown a level of investment in you. Period.

I can invest in a stock that can’t get it up in the market.

Nothing is certain and people are spontaneous. The only thing you can do is know what you are, what you want and who you want to be.

If sex feels right, there is no shame in being free to enjoy with no “is this the right or wrong time?
Is he invested enough?
Is he going to lose interest?
What if I get attached?
What if _____

Well, considering how powerful what we believe is…I’d argue the belief you have in your head about sex creates meaning for you and you attribute anything that happens with a man to the sex instead of facing the truth: he isn’t doing something you want him to do and that means nothing other than he is being a person.

Everyone has their own desires.

We share stuff with others but sex opens up a connection, if you want to use the word, and a guy will not be shaming the girl if they both have a mutually satisfying, unplanned and carnal sexual romp.

GOOD sex is mentally LIBERATED sex.

BAD sex or OKAY sex is pre-planned and over-analyzed sex that takes on all kind of meanings.

When a guy notices girls acting …this way…have you ever considered the reason a man’s behavior changed post-sex is NOT because of what you think…not because he is not invested…not because he is bad…not because he wants to use you for sex and never commit…but maybe your behavior changes.

The meaning you attach to sex shapes how you react after you have sex.

Self-fulfilling prophecies happen so if you assume he will do ___ and fear ____ you are creating that reality. Men sense it. Men aren’t unaware just because they don’t mention it and analyze it all year.

Men don’t like analysis. Men don’t like endlessly wondering what sex will do and won’t do and men don’t like manipulative women.

Men like good sex. Women like good sex.

People are people.

That’s really what it comes down to. People are people. We’re human beings not pre-programmed robots. Why not indulge when you feel like it? NOT because you WANT guys to commit. This is as bad as being paranoid in the opposite direction.

When you stop attributing meaning to sex, you free yourself of this stuff clouding your ability to have a sexual experience that turns your “connection” into a more intense one rather than a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Don’t get angry or ask what you did or did not do. You did not do anything but blaming men and grouping men as a collective group of sex-fiends trying to manipulate and use women while sending secret messages along the way while trying to hurt them will only create more situations where sex ends badly.

Reply March 28, 2014, 1:56 am

Sarah

Sabrina wrote a great article, but I agree with Eric’s comments on the power part. I was thinking the same when I read this article a couple days ago.

Reply March 27, 2014, 3:56 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks, glad you liked the article and my comments. 😉

Reply March 27, 2014, 4:06 pm

Eric Charles

I want to add a few points to this article…

First off, you’re talking about the idea that “women have all the power before they have sex, then men have all the power afterwards…”

If a person is viewing their interaction with a guy in terms of “power”, then they’re screwed already… relationships don’t work in terms of power. Power is a word used in contexts of dictatorships, military, dominant-subordinate roles, etc.

Functional relationships don’t have this dynamic. Battle, domination and power are the opposite of relationship.

So it should be clear that if someone is even thinking in the paradigm of “power” in the context of a relationship, their viewpoint is fundamentally flawed and they will be blocked from ever getting to have a good relationship so long as they’re looking at things that way.

Next, on the context of when to sleep with a guy: No amount of withholding sex is going to lead to a guy who doesn’t genuinely or innately like you to change how he sees you. It’s not going to make him fall in love.

Conversely, if a guy is genuinely compatible… he genuinely likes you as a person (regardless of his relationship status with you)… no amount of time before you sleep with him is going to matter.

Some of my best, strongest, most loving relationships started with sex on the first date. Some of my friends who have excellent, strong, loving marriages started their relationship with sex on the first date. People don’t talk about it because it’s often shamed publicly, but it happens quite often.

I personally believe a relationship should start on a foundation of compatibility, genuine liking for the other person and passionate attraction. That’s the kind of foundation I want for a long term relationship. Not a woman who views relationship through a lens of “power”, how long she should withhold sex (aka manipulate my actions towards her to get an outcome) and who isn’t secure enough to have sex when she wants to (as opposed to fearing that she’s somehow “losing” something by having sex).

As a final point to add – if it was true that men have all the power after sex, then that’s going to be the vast majority of the relationship then, wouldn’t it? How is it helpful to view relationships through a lens that dictates the man has “all the power” after you have sex? Are you going to hold out on sex until marriage? In this day and age, most guys are not down for that outside of very religious circles.

Reply March 27, 2014, 12:09 pm

Jessi

ERIC, thank you so much for clearing that up. I agree. Be confident, kind, REAL, have fun, and be an adult who has sex when she feels she is ready. Not when she feels she’s gotten certain things from him.

What would your advice be to someone that verbally seemed rude. There was this guy in college and we were both eye balling each other for months until we started talking. Obviously I knew he wanted sex, and I did too. The thing is when I came over to his place for the first time, he really got physical. He was touching me down there and talking about how he wants to screw me all over his room. I know it sounds horrible, but honestly he was an immature college boy. Clearly not the classiest, but what would you advisend in that situation? I didn’t say anything about it, but he continued to persue me. We had sex a week later( i wanted it whatever) but he was so busy he didn’t make time for me outside of that. We really just hung out four times. He did like me. We were texting everyday . I guess it felt like a relationship or at least one that was becoming but yeah I guess when I slept with him and didn’t really show great need to go out and stuff he didn’t try to go for that . I guess Ibarely gave it enough to become anything before I broke it off. What would you advise in a situation like this girl meets guy is clearly very attracted to each other but she just wants more of it. I guess after he acted like a complete animal in the beginning I should have just backed off it really shows a lot about his character even though he obviously wanted to sleep with me you’re not supposed to be so open and rude about it I guess it’s always more complicated

Reply July 14, 2015, 12:51 pm

Kate

This was very helpful. I got to know my house mate very well for a few weeks, knew his weaknesses, what he wanted in life, we could just hang out and we always had this sexual tension between us. We ended up sleeping together after about a month. Things were ok after but now he only wants sex when he is drunk. The connection is still there we talk about anything but sexually no more sparks and he uses it as a bait for me now and turned it around so I’m just where he wants me.

Reply March 26, 2014, 5:34 pm

Marissa

AMAZING article! I just wish I had seen it sooner, would have saved me from making many mistakes. Thanks for all you do!

Reply March 26, 2014, 5:18 pm

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