Why Women Get More Attached (Blame Biology!) post image

Why Women Get More Attached (Blame Biology!)

Women are known to “obsess” a bit when it comes to relationships. Okay, obsession may be a strong word, but there are biological reasons why women become more emotionally attached to their lovers than men do.  At the turn of the 21st century studies were conducted to better understand romantic attachment. The results were quite jarring to say the least and it was discovered that orgasms cause both oxytocin and vasopressin to be released from the hypothalamus, which is the part of the brain that is responsible for pleasure and mating.  Although the two neuropeptides associated with continued attachment are secreted in both men and women, oxytocin and vasopressin have stronger influence on women .

Oh yes, it happens to everyone.

Vasopressin is most compatible with testosterone, but luckily for us ladies, oxytocin and estrogen make a more powerful couple.  Did I really just say, luckily?  Well, it has been theorized that the difference in potency is likely due to the fact that females have longer orgasms than males, averaging two minutes in females and only a few seconds in males.  In this sense I would have to consider us women to be the lucky ones.  But it gets a little more complicated than that.

I can’t say I feel lucky considering I just spent a month getting over a guy that I had only been with for a month.  He is a kind 36-year-old divorcee who’s life was in shambles.  We had a lot of fun together, always dining at lavish restaurants and such, but he reeked of ambivalence. I, on the other hand, am confident and satisfied with my life. I was stable, baggage-free and a shining ray of light in his dark and dismal state. However, it didn’t work out. Most would, and did, give me that old “his loss” adage, but if he really was the one “lost”  why was I the one to experience a greater deal of emotional heartbreak when our fling came to an end?

Well, now I know the answer: Oxytocin! What can I say, the sex was incredible and while I was having this incredible sex, Oxytocin was secreting in my brain, giving me that warm fuzzy feeling that only a strong connection can bring. I couldn’t get enough, which is the only way I can explain the fact that I was able to fall so hard so fast.

If you look at the results of Gert Holstege’s 2005 study, this makes perfect sense. The study showed that when females orgasm, the regions in the brain associated with behavior control, fear, and anxiety shut down.  More specifically, orgasms reduce brain activity in the amygdala and hippocampus (the parts of the brain that are responsible for emotion), which in turn decrease alertness and anxiety.  Some refer to this state as emotionless, but as a woman, I consider it a vacation from my otherwise emotion-filled life.  I mean, there’s a reason why oxytocin has been dubbed the “cuddle hormone” and is considered the initiator of the cuddly, emotional behavior that we experience after a mind-blowing orgasm.

It’s no wonder women get so frustrated and confused by relationships! Our minds may often tell us that this is the “wrong guy” but our brains are sending waves of calm and contentment, ultimately fooling us into believing a profound connection exists.

We’ve all seen those couples, the ones that can’t help buy make you think “How did he get her?”  Definitely couldn’t be his looks, could be his money, perhaps his personality. Well now I know the answer- Oxytocin. Fucking Oxytocin.

I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that men know about this.  Perhaps not these very details, but enough to know what it is they have to do.  Recently, more and more men have attempted to go down on me at first kiss.  Hello!  Do you know what will happen if I enjoy it?  In my life I have made efforts not to come across as an obsessive lover, but sometimes I just can’t help it…touche, oxytocin. All I’m saying, dear lads, is be careful what you wish for.

Sure it’s all brass balls in the beginning as men flash their feathers and relentlessly court until they get the object of their desire between the sheets. However, when the clothes come off and the emotions come out, those bold, confident men morph into frightened rabbits during a lightening storm.

Ladies, don’t despair, we’re not “psycho,” we just have higher levels of estrogen and while yes, we can get emotional, estrogen also makes us more compassionate than our testosterone-fueld counterparts.

Perhaps everything would be easier if women only had sex with the men they married. It would certainly spare us from tons of heartache and pain. But are you gonna wait until he puts a ring on it to have sex? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Until you meet the elusive “one,” remember that it’s all fun and games until oxytocin is released.


Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

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Are you all retarded? Keep your legs closed.

The reason why he said “he doesnt want to keep in contact with you because he will chase you” is because he WANTS TO GET RID OF YOU. He lied. He doesn’t want to chase you, he just wants an excuse to NEVER talk to you again.

Once you have sex with a guy, his respect for you vanishes overnight. Sex before marriage, and you will lose and eventually have to settle.

Reply March 14, 2017, 6:51 am


We stop having sex 4 months ago and I STILL HAVEN’T had sex
He got upset becauae i had my roommate staying over and i coudnt moan like he wanted me too. So i guess that particular night he couldnt take it anymore and never came back. I miss him alot because he’s the best sex partner I ever had and I can’t seem to get rid of the sex memories. Ugh im hoping it goes away and I also wonder if he still thinks about it too? CURSE YOU Oxytocin!
But oh well you have to move on is what I tell my self.

Reply January 17, 2015, 2:20 am

Suzel so True

I think i shurt (rejection), and released endorphins and memories (the good ones that is), that make you crave him (your ex), miss him, etc.

Believe it or not, the things we have a hard time letting go of are the events that have an impact in our lives (the ones that stirred up intense feelings, i.e. sex) good or bad.

Source: Me and my 30 years of living here on this grand planet called earth ;-)

Also, make sure that he’s respectful to people in general. Is a good person (you will know this as you get to know him better) and that you two have mutual attraction, interest and goals (no sex isn’t one of them, or shouldn’t be the only thing, that’s a natural instinct).

Reply November 2, 2014, 9:51 pm

Suzel so True

I meant to say, it’s the ego hurt, not shurt lol!

Reply November 2, 2014, 9:53 pm

Deas Plant

Hi, Ladies.
First up, there ARE men who ‘trade’ on the ‘hormones thing’ and just plain don’t care about your feelings once they’ve gotten the sex, knowing that you will most likely be more available after it. Now be TOTALLY honest with yourselves. Would you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody like that?

Much as I don’t like to admit it, they belong to the same gender that I do. BUT, they are a world away from being the same sort of person that I am.

A little story: My then wife and I lost our first born son to leukaemia at age 4 1/2. The worst time that I had with anything even vaguely related to grief was 6 weeks BEFORE he died, after we had been told that he had no chance. I had to drive 2 hours back home after that while my wife stayed with our son. For the first hour and 50 minutes, I was as angry as hell that my son was being taken so young without a chance to grow up and experience life and to learn and to love. Ten minutes before I reached home, I suddenly pulled that train of thought up. I asked myself, “With my understanding and my beliefs, WHY am I thinking like this? I KNOW that he doesn’t need to be here to grow and to learn.” (I have been a practising Spiritualist almost all my life.)

From that moment on, I have never grieved for him. Instead, I have celebrated and been thankful for the privilege of knowing him for the time that I did and for the examples of love and courage that he was to all who knew him. And I have carried that attitude with me ever since throughout my life, my relationship break-ups, my career and my healing.

I have had a 20-year marriage and a 12-year de facto relationship. Both of these relationships ended because I discovered, belatedly, that the ladies concerned were control freaks, although they probably didn’t realise it then and may even still not realise it. I suspect that it was an unconscious behavior on their part, at least for part of the time, At other times, it may very well have been deliberate.

That said,I am still friends with both of them and I still love and respect both of them very much. I just don’t want to in an intimate relationship with them now.

The last ‘possible’ also turned out to emotionally controlling. It didn’t take me anything like as long to realise it this time and I was out there. GONE.

With that history, I am still not averse to the idea of another relationship. BUT, she would have to an extraordinary woman – for several reasons and in several different ways. She would need to be VERY emotionally aware, mature and responsible – and I will leave you to figure that out for yourselves – unless you REALLY want to know enough to ASK me.

Next, she would need to be very understanding. Why? ‘Cos I do a LOTTTT of alternative healing work in my spare time and almost all of it is with women whom I have only just met. Believe it or not, I can ‘see’ that they have issues of some sort. How, you ask? Have you ever heard of intuition? Oh, you have?Well, it’s NOT only a female thing. Most of us men have it too but we’re taught to ignore and be logical and so it sorta fades away into the background. Most of the time.

So I start a conversation with these women, when opportunity permits and it often does in my social circles, and these conversations may last for 5 minutes – – – or they may last for an hour or more – – – or even have several sessions. In some cases, there is actual physical contact because some of the work that I do with these women is on the physical level. How-wevver, ALL of it either is or can be done done within plain sight of other people as there is no intimate or sexually suggestive – at least in my mind – contact.

Now how many women do you know who would not experience at least a slight twinge of jealousy or concern if they saw their man talking for half an hour with a women whom he had only just met? And doing it again and again? And again? And again? And he had been the one to make the initial approach?

I am not about to stop doing this healing because I get an immense amount of satisfaction from watching these people walk away stepping lighter, standing taller and straighter and SMILING. And I usually give them the ‘tools’ to be able to do it for themselves in the future, it is that simple. How could I walk away from that?

So I guess that, unless I do happen to find that extraordinary woman, I am gonna be single for quite a while. And I will treasure and celebrate that single-hood for the freedom that it gives me to make a difference in other people’s lives.

Ladies, may I suggest, hormones notwithstanding, that you try to adopt the same approach to life and living? Stop blaming, either yourselves or anybody else – or the hormones, for whatever doesn’t work out the way you might have hoped, enjoy the experience, learn the lessons that are there for the learning, be thankful for the opportunities to learn and to grow – and for being alive to experience those opportunities – and BE HAPPY. Whether you have a partner in a loving, stable relationship or not.

It AIN’T gonna be easy, but it CAN be done.

Just my 0.02.

You all have a wonderful day. Best wishes. Deas Plant.

Reply March 31, 2014, 9:12 am


I’m going thru this right now, but am confused, as I don’t have orgasms, or I do rarely. If I don’t orgasm, is the chemical still being released? If not, why do I have to fight this obsession?

Reply August 15, 2013, 4:47 pm


Yes even if you’re not having an orgasm the hormones are being released. Just the act of sex, or even passionate sessions without intercourse, can be enough to have the oxytocin be released (of course at lower levels). Just another way the world is rigged against us females. Sigh.

Reply February 13, 2014, 10:34 am


women are like floorboards. lay them right the first time and you can walk on them forever

Reply July 27, 2012, 10:08 am


I have obviously been through the same thing several (too many?) times myself, and I’m going through one right now.

I have two questions (that might be the rhetorical kind, but let’s roll with it):

1) Are guys aware of this, and thus use it/fight it when they gotten what they wanted (yes, the SEX)? I have had more than one guy treat me badly once they’ve established that they can have me – not called for a week, have me come over and have sex and then tell me to leave, him come over to have sex and then leave after an hour because a friend texted him, etc. I’ve confronted at least one guy with this behavior, and he was genuinely sorry about being an asshole (and I plan to confront my current break-up with this as well). Is this some sort of coping-mechanism of guys so they won’t be sucked into a relationship? For them to stay in control? I’m convinced that my latest fling did this intentionally to communicate to me that he did not want a serious relationship, and as I went along with it, he kept it up just because he could. At the same time, I’m also convinced that when I do get a chance to tell him that he’s made me feel horrible because of the way he’s acted, he will be truly sorry. Do guys just care less (that they’re being mean)? Or do they not think while acting that way?

2) Several of the guys that I’ve had flings with, and consequently ended things with because of the way they’v acted (because they didn’t want to be in serious relationships – with me), I’ve become friends with. While I have a colder attitude towards them (while still maintaining a friendship) than for my other friends, they’ve stated their love for me later along the friendship line – one telling me that he loved me way more than I loved him (which is probably true – I still have some resentment because of the relationship), another telling me that he had to cut off contact with me eventually because otherwise he would try to win me back (while having a serious relationship with another girl). In both cases I’m left completely confused, because they were the ones that didn’t want me, not the other way around. Do guys just take more time to develop feelings/attachment than girls?

Reply July 16, 2012, 4:20 pm


I am going through the same thing as well with a booty call. He is very emotionally unavailable and I have been walking on eggshells trying to prove to him that I can be the same by staying aloof for the most part but yet I am so attached to the sex that it drives me crazy when I don’t hear from him for days. I thought I was being obsessive but it is good to know that hormones play a huge part in this. Still I am not sure how to get a grip.

Reply May 17, 2012, 3:02 pm


“But are you gonna wait until he puts a ring on it to have sex?”

Yes and maybe more people should.

This is not just some out-of-date viewpoint that is unrealistic and unnecessary. There are plenty of studies that show abstinence before marriage leads to better sex, communication, health, happiness etc. within the marriage. Outside of studies and statistics, common sense says that if a dating couple aren’t having sex, their relationship will have stronger emotional foundations outside of the biochemical ‘high’ of sex (part of which you mention in your article).

Too many people leave their dignity and integrity at the door, go for for hook-up, shack-up, break-up and then wonder why the relationship didn’t last and they feel so bad.

Reply September 5, 2011, 4:24 am


omg I’ve had guys doing the go down very frequently/quickly as well! now I know why! it’s creepy though because sometimes it almost seems as though they want you to like them when they don’t want to like you.

Reply November 5, 2010, 2:12 pm


I’ve been reading about all this a lot lately because I am going through it now! It’s like a trap! A mind gamey thing that guys (the smart ones) have caught on to. But they’re still not smart enough to hold on to a great gal once they’ve snared her… I’m not crazy. It’s the hormones.

Reply July 7, 2011, 6:22 am


I like this article very much. its really helpful to understand women.

Reply October 30, 2010, 3:14 am

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