Ask a Guy: When a Guy Loves You… post image

Ask a Guy: When a Guy Loves You…

Do you have any advice on how to tell if a guy loves you?

I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year know and though he says he loves me, I just can’t tell if he’s just saying what I want to hear or if he really does love me.

He’s not the type of guy to gush with lots “romantic talk”, but it’s more than what he says that makes me worried… sometimes I feel like if I didn’t text him or set up dates, he’d disappear or forget I even existed at all.  Is it possible for a man to say he loves you and not actually be that into you?  How do you know if a guy loves you?

Let me begin by saying: Love is obvious.

That is to say, when you really have love and a relationship that’s working, you aren’t asking yourself the question, “Does he really love me?”

Sure, he might not wear his emotions on his sleeve, he might not break into poetic confessions of love (like in the movies) and he might prefer hanging out at home versus getting all dressed up and going out to dinner.

Regardless, you know that he loves you.  It shows up in his enthusiasm about you and your relationship.

When a guy loves you (or is on his way to falling in love with you) the relationship starts with a lot of enthusiasm on his part. The guy can’t wait to see you. He’s excited to be around you, to share things with you, and to bring you into his world.

The thought of how to “get him to chase you” or “be a challenge” would never even cross your mind because you simply enjoy each other so much. It’s really that simple.

As the relationship continues, he includes you in his world. He tells you about what he’s doing and your relationship has a feeling of partnership to it.

MORE: 5 Steps to Make Any Man Fall in Love

The fact is, I could go on and on about signs a man loves you.  The problem is, there are many times that a woman will ignore all the warning signs and red flags of a relationship, pick out the one thing she sees on a list of love signs that the guy is actually doing and then victoriously proclaim, “He loves me – my relationship is meant to be!”

Rather than give you a laundry list of signs a man loves you, I want to tell you the one most important lesson of all when it comes to men, relationships and love:

First, I need to talk about a widespread myth that is killing most women’s chances to have a successful love life.  I don’t know where or why this idea started, but somehow women all over the world were tricked into believing that men communicate in some sort of secret code…

That’s not the case.  Men aren’t transmitting secret messages to you through their words and actions…

The actions of men are obvious and, by extension, a man’s love is obvious.

It’s bad enough if you’re obsessing about what his words and actions mean (as if it’s not obvious)… you can make a bad situation worse if you’re obsessing about signs he loves you (or signs he doesn’t)…

To be perfectly frank, this is probably the entire reason why the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” was a popular book on dating/relationships… it basically said, “Stop reading into his words and actions like a secret code. If his love isn’t brain-dead obvious to you, he’s not into it.” (There if you’ve never read that book… I just saved you the cost of the book and an afternoon of reading.)

The majority of the time, when women ask me relationship related questions, it’s because they want to take a relationship that isn’t working and magically turn it into one that is working…

… they want to make a man they’re not compatible with suddenly into a man who is compatible…

… they want the result without having any of the ingredients that create the result!

You might read that and think that sounds ridiculous, but people do it all the time.  They want to take something that never really worked and force it to work.

So I’m going to share something with you that I learned years ago that changed my love life forever.

The lesson is simple:

Being great in relationships isn’t about knowing how to fix mediocre/broken relationships… it’s about not settling for less than what you want.

Now I can imagine when you read that, it might bring up a few objections.

For one, you might think that sounds selfish or unloving.  The reality is that it’s the most compassionate thing you can do… if you really love them, don’t you think it makes sense that you don’t feel like you’re settling for them? Don’t you think it would make sense that they’re already enough for you, exactly as they are, exactly as they’re acting right now?

In fact, some of what you call “selfish” might be good for your relationship.  I say this because the majority of women fall into a relationship trap precisely because they’re afraid of being selfish.

The woman gets into a relationship with a guy… the guy starts to show less interest and the woman, in an attempt to reel him back, starts putting in more energy and trying harder to win the man’s attention back.

Meanwhile, the guy senses that the woman isn’t going to leave no matter what and ends up putting even less energy into the relationship… sometimes to the point where he thinks to himself, “This is great, this woman will do anything for me and no matter what I do, she’ll never leave… I wonder if I could have two girlfriends at once?”

When it comes to human nature, people (men and women) only value what they worked to earn. It’s just a fact of human nature and the sooner you can embrace it, the better off you’ll be in your relationship future.

However, this lesson has often led women to believe they need to somehow make a man work for them or chase them… so they end up doing all sorts of weird stuff and playing games because, at the heart of it, they’re afraid the guy won’t value them if they don’t.

MORE: How to Make Men Chase You Without Playing Games (And Why it’s So Important)

You’d be amazed at some of the things I’ve seen where women think they’re somehow attracting a man by pushing him away. I understand the confusion, though – there are tons of movies and TV shows portraying women acting rude, stand-offish, and uninterested in the guy… then somehow the movie or TV show ends with the guy confessing his undying love for the girl.  There’s even a book title out that suggests that men love “bitches” (and I can’t even begin to tell you how incorrect that idea is… yeesh.)

There is, however, one almost-magical recipe to make sure you will always be the woman that gives him enough space to chase you… and practically forces him to put in his best effort to please you and keep you happy… and ensures that his feelings of love and devotion are crystal clear to you…

And that solution is: Never settle.

Seriously… it’s that easy.  Stop settling for a relationship that isn’t what you want.  Stop settling for a relationship that maybe possibly could be good one day if something magically changes.

The solution is simple:  Know what you want and remain single until you get it.

Yes, you can (and would do well to) be pleasant, charming, radiant, attractive, nice and loving.  Yes, you can (and would do well to) enjoy your time with him and treat him well.

I’m just saying to avoid the biggest relationship error that the majority of women make: Don’t choose a relationship that isn’t the way you want a relationship to be and then try to change it.

I’ve seen women waste years trying to change a broken relationship into a good relationship… when it was never really “good” to begin with.  And all the meanwhile, they were becoming more helpless and more hopeless. The harder they tried to fix something that was broken, the more distraught they became… the more their self-esteem and confidence dropped.

All they need to do was just drop the relationship that wasn’t working and start again, fresh.

I’ve known women who stay in relationships that aren’t working for several years, then when they’re single, they immediately dive into another dead-end relationship again.  Then they argue with me that this is just how relationships are (umm, no) and that they’ll never find love.

No. There are tons of men who would be delighted to have you, who would think you’re perfect and who you’d be completely 100% compatible with.

When you’re with a man that you’re 100% compatible with, your relationship is obvious and effortless… even when things are tough, you know what to say, how to say it, and what he really needs from you.  He knows what you need too and he’s happy to provide it.

Women make the mistake of … (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: When a Guy Loves You…)

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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I just want to appreciate. I have just joined but what i read and the quiz has really brought to my understanding that i will come out here with a solution my own. thanks a lot Eric and others be blessed

Reply November 13, 2020, 6:10 am


I have read some of your articles and while I find some truth in what you are saying, I feel it applies to possibly younger couples. I’m in the last phase of my life and trying to enjoy my relationship. However it’s complicated because we both have baggage. As well over the first couple of years, we came to realise that my partner has Asperger’s. This adds another layer of complexity as well as diverse challenges. I think I need personal advice regarding our relationship. As well I have had to work through cancer. I’m just about to totally give up on the possibility of living a fulfilling relationship with a significant other. I don’t really have many years ahead of me.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I needed to express my frustrations. Somehow my life, with regards to intimate relationships, has been a total disaster. La vie en rose is a total myth. Maybe things will improve in my next life.

Reply September 17, 2020, 8:37 pm


Hi eric,
great article and a lot of interesting tips. So I’m a 37 yr old woman dating a guy same age as me we have been dating about 7 months n everything is going great. He has good work ethic, adores me and my kids, very consistent with his actions, we spend just about every day together inc spending night, communication is great, we get along pretty well n we talk about future. We have also confess our love for one another but the thing is I’m ready to know him in a different way I’m ready for sex and intimacy. We kiss all the time but that’s as far as it goes. I’ve discuss this with him but he kinda just gives me run around. What do u think the problem is? N should I be concern?

Reply October 27, 2019, 5:25 pm


well Pamela, I think u should talk to him about it and by that I mean confront him about.Let him tell u his reasons or if it’s an habit tell him how it makes u Feel.
u can start from there and let his reply guide your next action

Reply August 7, 2019, 11:05 am


I am a mature woman (almost 50) and have been married and divorced twice. The man I have been seeing for the last 6 years has also been through a nasty divorce. We have both decided that we will be together on a permanent basis and have even bought a house together and are in the process of remodeling it. We still dont live together right now for logistical reasons (kids have a better school here, and he has work there) but when the house is done, we will be living together. My question is this… he still goes on the dating site we met on..6 years ago. He never took his profile off and he goes on it regularly. I know this because i made a fake account to see how often he is on it. I feel guilty for making it, but I am also very hurt that he has this habit. I have been completely faithful to him, and he promises me that he is completely faithful to me too, but how can i trust this when he is actively looking at other women on the same site he met me on? My trust is rather flawed anyway, to say the least, after the 2 previous marriages. I love him, and i know he loves me, though he doesnt say it very often. But he is working himself like CRAZY on our house. I just dont know what to think. …? I’m getting mixed signals, but I dont want to stress him out more than he already is with the house. what should i do?

Reply April 23, 2019, 1:09 am


Wow Pamela your situation sounds similar to mine I am also in my fifties my love is 47and the beginning of our relationship we talked about living together buying a house he asked me what size house I’d like to have and he did just that bought that exact house I wanted even asked me to help pick out furniture online and bought the exact things that I asked for but now he seems unsure about us living together. He hasn’t even mentioned that anymoreand I haven’t gone as far as to see if he was on any dating sites I also met my guy on a dating site. I’m beginning to feel like I was just a placeholder until he can find something better now that his standard of living has improved why would a man buy a 5-bedroom 3-bathroom house which I suggested and then stop talking about moving in together.

Reply September 1, 2019, 6:30 pm


Thank you so very much for giving this article clarity with specifics and examples.

My boyfriend make every effort to create and participate in our own (separate) events/excursions, but I have not met any of his family or friends -and I feel excluded. The loss, I believe, makes it difficult for him to share the life with me and also with family and friends (complicated grieving and possible family judgement). It has been 2.5 years since the loss of his wife and I began dating him at 15 months following her transition and we have been very consistent. At his request, we started monogamously and far as I know, we still are. We spent approximately 3 days per week with one another for the first 13 months (we live 40 miles apart). Since his adult daughter has returned to the family home to get her life on track and grieve (much needed and I support the decision as well), we now see each other once a week and occasionally may go 10 days without seeing one another. Our relationship has changed and I am not sure if this is just his way of wanting distance. However, he does call often to check on me and seems to want to keep me involved in the personal details of his life. I am not sure how to proceed other than to be supportive. We were friends and coworkers before he married many years ago, and at arm’s distance, always remained friendly and supportive in our personal endeavors. It may be noteworthy to add that he and his wife’s marriage was strained with a lengthy separation, he returned to the marriage and continued to loved his wife and cared for through her illness. This may have been why he was ready after 14 months to move into another relationship. He says – and shows – that he loves me but now that his daughter has returned home and are developing a closer connection, and can heal together toward their new family life, I feel removed and set aside. I want to continue to move forward but he has now since the return of the daughter become distant and much more unavailable. I love and really like him, we have always been friends and ridiculously compatible. I would appreciate advice/thoughts, direction, etc. Thanks in advance.

Reply September 6, 2018, 12:16 pm


Effortless is right. It’s calm and serene and just there when we’re together. It’s in his smile with a tiny eyebrow raise, sitting next to me or from across the room. It’s knowing he’ll grab my hand while walking through a parking lot. It’s rubbing his thumb when I’m stressed. Putting a little gas in my car when I’m in the store. Bringing Peanut M&Ms when he comes over. Laughing together, and always a smile.

He’s never said it aloud. Sometimes I can just tell that he does, and simply say I know, me too. I do too. For the first time it’s just there, and just feels so sweet. It’s exciting for sure, but just calm and just there. I don’t need him to say it, we both just know.

We’ve only been together about six weeks; I know this is the infatuation phase, surely chemically based at least on my end. But the thing is, we don’t hang out to get to bed, we hang out just to be together. It’s nice. And time in my bed is too, of course.

Slow and steady is the way to go, and letting him take the lead, set the timing — he’s comfortable with how he feels and takes a small back when he needs it to just take it in. There’s no anxiety. If he doesn’t text back right away it’s because he’s busy at work, or in the car, or at home with his daughter. About three weeks in, I skirted the exclusive talk by telling him that maybe I should step back, that I’m really falling for him, that I’m monogamous by nature. He didn’t want to stop. Let’s just take it day by day, see what happens. I was like OK, that sounds perfect.

It’s just right, no drama, no is he? does he? shouldn’t he be? why isn’t he? what did that mean? It took awhile to get here though, I’m 48 and he’s 54. I took a lot of time casual dating (only a little sex here and there) and finding out who I really am, and getting to a point where I didn’t need a relationship, and just felt ready.

Writing about your relationships helps a lot. Writing it out, and reading back says a lot about it all. We’re open and honest, and for now, it’s a good fit for us both. And we just know, you know?

Reply August 20, 2017, 12:00 pm

Alethea Willow

√Warning: Might offend writer of page√
Ok. For one thing the whole thing about how men DON’T talk in code at times isn’t true. Men, and Boys just Like Women, and Girls have they’re way of telling you what they feel,want,need, or think without actually saying so.

It’s just like how Girls can be a pain in the ass with out moodyjess and emotions, but you have to take in acoujt that guys can be extremely insensitive to girls. And girls talk in CODE all the time. A girl asking how your feeling could be a way for her to make you ask her if she is OK. We all do it

Just today my best friend (who I adore and love) was all gloomy this morning I asked what’s the matter and he said “Nothing” obviously that was bull I gave him a look and he said that he was exhausted. That’s a perfect example how men can act the same as women were not all that different, but were not all that the same as well.

People talk in code. Don’t say what they’re feeling, Beet around the bush, Sugar coat, and can talk straightforward, bluntly, rudely, and brutally honest. Everyone talks in a type of code. And the rumor started because a guy explained it and then “Telephone” happened.

Everyone is different you may just cut straight to the case with people, or you may beat around the bush a bit. Were all different. You have to take a walk in the other genders shoes

Reply May 12, 2016, 11:20 pm



Thank you for your time! I appreciate your honest opinion. This article has reconfirmed my journey and I completely agree with your advice. I will continue to read your articles and promote you to my friends and single women I meet along my path. May you continue to share your opinion because I’m your newest advocate and newest fan!


Elizabeth Wyatt

Reply May 3, 2016, 8:11 am

Eric Charles

Great to hear!

Reply May 3, 2016, 12:20 pm

Sydney Woman

I hate when you’re right. I hate when I wasted so many years on looking for the signs he loved me when ultimately we weren’t compatible. We were compatible years ago when I was broken (like him) but as I’ve evolved, the universe isn’t going to allow us to be together because I’m in year 1 now and he’s still in Kindy (OK metaphorically speaking) – come to think of it, he’s joined a motorcycle club (erhem gang) and I’ve gotten a masters degree. It’s hard detaching from all the emotions. It’s hard detaching from the nostalgia of how I used to feel.

Reply March 1, 2016, 12:06 am


Hi Eric :) initially my guy was not into me and kept on talking about other women on first few dates… gradually when he got to know I don’t like that and I may call it quits… He changed… He calls me 3 times a day… (Although we live together), he remembers every tiny detail about me and full fills all my wishes.
I keep on reading your post and understood that I
should be a mystery, confident women and I follow all your posts… Now he’s isn’t ready to loose me no matter what and want me to travel overseas with him for his new job…
My question is can a man really change? Are these changes temporary? Now he doesn’t talk about other girls.. Takes care of me really well… Does he love me?

Reply February 22, 2016, 9:50 am


How can I get a man to ask for my number if we are both very shy? I tried your tricks and they do work but when both parties are to shy to say anything it’s hard? I see various signals that he’s interested but when I have been hurt so many times from a violent marriage,,, it’s hard to believe and trust words from a man. Any help would be appreciated and the emails I get daily from the website help massively so Thankyou.

Reply February 19, 2016, 2:31 pm


Dear Eric, I really enjoy your articles and the issues which you cover, and have learned a lot from them, and have applied them also to my dating life.

I also do some marriage counselling for couples and singles on occasion, pouring out my experience, as have gone through both pretty, ugly and very ugly relationships, one where domestic violence was involved, and which even not a nice experience, gave me some insight into what kinda of man and signs to watch out for before entering head on into a relationship.

However, right now I find myself in a situation which is pretty new to me, and not one where there are a lot information or articles to refer to.

Maybe it’s something embarrassing, taboo? I’m dating a guy with clinical depression, even maybe a bit of Manio depressive, and things are so upside down, the periods of ignorance followed by periods of clinginess, is confusing, even to a point where he can perceived as selfish. I have studied depression through my work, but when it comes to relationship advices, I fail to find any articles, books which can maybe enlighten me a bit, as I find it very hard emotionally and physically draining, but still standing by his side, even though my friends are advising me to move on……

Any website, books, articles which could be useful?

Reply January 18, 2016, 5:28 am

Anni Y.

My heart fell in love with an unlikely gay guy who did have a thing for me too. He became jealous that I had sex with someone while we were friends and from then on, everything fell apart. We were supposed to have been friends since we can’t be lovers because he’s gay. Other gay guys have also said that he likes me. We are no longer talking to each other as his jealousy and selfishness to not do anything for my birthday even though I did something for his, is the reason we can’t even be friends.
It was difficult to say, but for a while he’d initiate a text or email while he’s at work during the week. He said that I am beautiful and even told other people that I am too. He gave me compliments when I never expected it. We used to have dinner dates during the week and brunch or lunch dates on the weekends. We met each others friends, only in the end, some of my friends didn’t like him due to his jealous nature over me. He NEVER told anyone he liked me, yet it was evident from the few friends who’ve seen us together to have all said that he sure did, even some of his gay guy friends said they can tell he did.
Can you explain this?

Reply January 4, 2016, 2:31 am


This was a great article. I read it twice. Would’ve helped to read it sooner though. I’m in a relationship with someone who says he loves me, has included me in his future plans but as the days and weeks go by, it’s more and more about him and less about me or us. Seems WE don’t come up anymore unless I bring US up. I feel he thinks he loves me. How can a man love you but not be interested in you? Never asks about me, how I’m feeling, or how my day went. And if I bring anything up regarding me or my day he’s not as interested or rarely comments on it and eventually goes back to him and himself. I love hard is my problem. I’m also usually the one who gives more. I’ve been told I am the prize and deserve the best. But I feel I’m already in this relationship. I trust him. I love him. But I feel I may be just a convenience to him because I make him feel good with what I have to offer. How can a man be less about himself and more about the woman in his life or the relationship? I have my expectations. I feel I will begin to draw back and pull away with time if this continues. It’s important to me.

Reply January 1, 2016, 8:52 pm


hey eric….
i can’t figure out how to send you my letter ( i have signed up and everything and receive your mails daily but i don’t know how to send my letter to you)
Please tell me how to do it (send me a link or can i just reply it on one of the emails?) or reply here :
I broke up with my boyfriend 2 months ago. we were together for a couple of months last year but then i moved to another country so we called it quits. We kept contact at least twice a month but just us friends. After a whole year i returned and he said he really wanted to be in a relationship with me and it lasted for 4 months. We had 3 major fights,the last one including me crying in public and he said that we don’t match and i make him feel like he is not enough and that he deserves more than that. After that i pushed him for a month to meet and talk and he said we are never getting back together cause he can’t stand feeling like a jerk or the bad guy. I really hurt and have feelings for him but as he wished, i stopped texting him and very soon he called me just to chat and we talked for an hour. Then he called me again and again every couple days and he helped me in a project i had. We met 2 days ago , talked only friendly but he gave me complimets and asked if i am interested in anyone else. he also mentioned he doesn’t feel like meeting anyone new and he doesn’t want any new girls to “confuse” him , he wants something serious and until he finds it he wants to find himself. Yesterday he sent me an x-mas message and called me by my nickname from when we were together.
I’m 22 and he is 27… i know he wants a serious relationship but i also know that he is not ready for major things like a family etc. I am in love with him since day 1 and it hasn’t faded in the 3 years we know each other, he is the only person i have trusted completely with all my secrets and family stuff and we have a special bond. I really wanna try to get him back but 2 things are holding me back.
1 if i am mistaken and he wants a family now i may slow him down and waste his time
2 if i try and he rejects me again we won’t even be friends anymore cause he will know i may still see him differently
How can i make a move and get him back? or should i even do it?

Reply December 26, 2015, 2:43 pm

S. Carr

My BF and I have been together going on 5 years, he and I sometimes enjoy going to a local sex club. There are mainly couples and single guys who are wanting to watch or hook up with a couple to play. We however have not allowed anyone to join us, don’t think I’m comfortable with that. Anyway, over the past several years everytime we have had a huge disagreement I have caught him at the sex club, of course he says he didn’t do anything which on one occasion I know for a fact he is lying, however I didn’t find out until several months later that he had lied. I have told him it is completely unacceptable to me that he goes there alone and he continues to do it. So my question is, as a man would you find it o.k. to go to a sex club without your significant other, if you knew it was going to cause more problems than you were already having in your relationship. He continues to tell me I am blowing thing out of proportion and I need to get over it , that it’s not a big deal. It is a huge deal to me and I really want a man’s perspective of the whole situation.

Reply December 20, 2015, 6:19 pm


After i have met his kids and he has met mine, after the few times we spent with the kids, it was our turn. We went out to dinner, after dinner was over he walled me to my car and after we talked for a bit more he kissed me. It felt like we were kissing for an hour. He then asked me to stay the night, i then looked away to think, he then said that he didn’t want to ruin what we have and wanted to make sure. For the 1st time i decided to stay with him. I stayed until 4pm the next day. We made plans to hang out the next day. I told him to go and see his friends who sing in a band and we text that nigh. The next day i haven’t heard from him and i text him like 3 times, 2 being pics which was normal. It’s now been 2 almost 3 days and nothing. He had to fly out until monay for work and in worried that i only gave him what he wanted. Who would let someone meet their kids, hang out and he was the one who sought me out and i started to really like him. Was i wrong or am i being over concerned and worried? Please help shed some light on this confusing situation. .

Reply October 3, 2015, 11:40 pm


Can you give reasons why one gets alot of attention from men about relationship and why do men after being question if their feeling were true try to confuse one on the topic being discussed

Reply June 26, 2015, 6:50 am


Is it possible to be in love with somone you havnt seen but spoken on phone with and is it possible to fall in love with someone you meeting for the first time

Reply June 26, 2015, 6:43 am


Hi ,I had one of my friend who fell in love with me. we were good friends and knew each other since 1 year. after 1 year he said he loves me .I was not sure at that time about him . I wanted to marry a guy that my parents had found since I trusted them ( Asian country has tradition of arrange marriage where parents decide a guy) .I hurted him at that time . After about 3 months I realized I really love my friend And can’t live my life without him . After 4 months ,now we are together but I am really confused if he loves or not.I feel he is different person then I knew earlier . i feel he is not into me anymore but he tells me he is not changed bUT waiting for both parents approval (its difficult to get parents approval for inter-caste in India ). he has not told me i love you again ,may be he is afraid because our parents are not ready yet . We talk less .he came to meet me ( I am in different state it takes 2hrs by flight ) , and I went to meet him but I found him with himself more than with me.not sure if he really loves me or Not.

Reply May 27, 2015, 10:32 pm


Hi Eric and Sabrina,
I actually would like to thank you for all the advice and help that you two provide.
I recently went through a break-up and since i hadn’t been single for over eight years, decided to find the answers to all my questions. I had an online dating profile and clicked on your link within that and began to learn everything there was to know. Now i have to tell you that i did put it to the test. I started at the bottom and worked my way backward with a certain guy, just to see what would happen. Not pretty i might add. Don’t worry we both knew that this was not going to work from the get go. I learned a lesson and this lesson was everything you have been talking about all along. Never settle for less than what you deserve. This is now my my motto. The confidence and reassurance that i was on the right track is the thing that has helped me find the guy that is really easy to recognise that the potential to build is spot on.
Thank you so much for all the help and really good advice. I plan to continue to learn everything i can from you two.

Reply May 20, 2015, 10:59 am


Hi Eric,
I’m a little stumped. I love your article and I agree with you. I never stick around in a relationship if it seems we are not compatible or there are road blocks that can not be overcome. I’m 40 years old and have not found the person I want to be with. I’ve never been married. I put my career first for many years and traveled the world. I recently met a man and we were so compatible even 5 months into the relationship we can sit at dinner and talk for hours. We still close down restaurants and bars. He pursued me from the beginning, made his intentions known, and until this day asks me out like we just started dating. He seemed to me like for once the guy I could see myself with. We go to church together on Sunday, go for hikes, festivals, wine tastings, etc…we have a ton in common. Anyhow, there was no doubt in my mind that he valued me and our relationship. He made his intentions clear and stated many times that he was interested in a future with me, would like to get married one day, and even start a family. We spend at least four days a week together. We’ve recently talked about moving in.Thursday he made me dinner. After dinner he looked at his phone when he set it down on the table by accident his voicemail started playing a message and it was from a female that say “hey it’s me just calling about this weekend.” He has family in Florida and he was going home that weekend to visit. He grabbed his phone and said “oh no oops” and went upstairs and closed his bedroom door. He was up there for ten minutes. His explanation was that it was a girl he knew in Florida who had been stalking him that he could not get rid of. I did not buy the excuse because she seemed pretty normal and talked to him in the message as if they were familiar with each or intimate and she knew he was coming home to visit. I broke off the relationship because I at this point did not trust him and felt very uncomfortable. My question…why the hell would a man put so much effort into our relationship. Effort that he has continued to exhibit even 6 months into the relationship. Go as far as to ask me to be exclusive, tell me he sees a future with me, want to meet my family, wanted me to meet his family, introduced me to his son, and all his co-workers etc… if he was playing the field? I am very confused by this. This is the first time a mans actions have completely baffled me. I did not see this coming AT ALL. Now I’m questioning everything I thought I knew about dating and being able to see the signs of a player. Help me understand, Kim

Reply May 16, 2015, 7:18 pm


BTW…this is the first time I can say that I’m totally heartbroken :-( Usually I can get right back into the dating scene, but this time I’m going to need some time to recoup. Wow, now I know what people mean when they say how bad it hurts, almost a physical pain, when you get your heart broken.

Reply May 16, 2015, 7:31 pm


Hi Eric! I really like this article, thumbs up! I got (and I think I agree) to the main point that ‘when a man loves you, it’s obvious..’ but just a little confused how can it be actually obvious in situations when a man is showing his love but not just to the way a woman expect it to be, so the message does not come across..?

I am really new to understanding guys and relationships.. I am not sure if this question even makes sense. Most of the time when I read your articles, I realize that I never really know guys at all, not even 10% maybe.. Your thoughts are brilliant and you write it so well! More powers!

Reply April 19, 2015, 6:42 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot — I appreciate that and I’m glad you like my stuff.

Reply April 19, 2015, 9:17 pm


Men are self centered. They’ll say and do anything to get laid. Sorry but it’s true.

Reply March 29, 2015, 3:18 pm


hello eric
i have been dating my boyfriend for 18months we are serious i have met his mum his met my mum and they hv both approved our relationship.. i love my boyfriend with all of my heart and i know he loves me too.. but problem i have is they way he talks to other girls though he says they are just friends i find his conversations very disrespectful when ever i tell him am uncomfortable with the way he talks to them he gets upset and starts acting rude .. he will stop for sometime but the same thing happened he entertains girls and thinks am going to be okay with that… he thinks i dont trust him but i do am just scared i will lose him and i also do not trust some of his female friends.. and he tries to make me jealous sometimes and he is always competing his defensive if i tell him he was wrong at a certain time he will tell me of what i did in the past was also the same… i do not know how to react to him because am very short tempered and so he thinks i talk too much.. what can i do with his girl problems if his always wanting to entertain him he never listens to me…

Reply February 4, 2015, 8:12 pm


Very interesting insightful article that has opened my eyes. My parents have a pretty hateful marriage, so I tend to think it is normal for people to be mean to each other in relationships, so although I don’t do mean things, I have a very high tolerance for cruelty in relationships. Your article has made me realize that their example is not necessarily normal or ideal, and I can aim for better. I have had a few guys head over heels for me, so know what that ‘feels’ like. Will just aim to find a guy who is head over heels for me, and whom I enjoy being in a relationship with.

Reply December 31, 2014, 9:16 am


Hi Eric,

I am a 45 yr old woman who started dating a 33 yr old man only 4 months ago. Things have been really great between us, progressing to what I would call a relationship. I spend every weekend and two to three nights a week at his house. He is always kind and very generous. We get along really well and I thought things were progressing nicely even though he has not said “I love you”. I understand there is a big age difference but I did not know this would be a problem for him in any are of his life or I never would have let this relationship get this far.

Today I mentioned that I would probably be over on Wednesday (new years eve) and Thursday. His reply was that Tuesday and Wednesaday would probably be better since his mother had just texted him about his going to a relatives party on Thursday. This is a first, he has never tried to change plans. I asked why he wouldn’t want me to go and his response was that his parents did not know about me and would not approve of our relationship. Needless to say, I was shocked and very hurt. I asked if he was planning on telling them about us and he responded that he did not know. I then asked how he felt about me and he replied that he likes me very much, we always have a great time and he loves spending time with me but he is not in love. I responded by saying that I understand, we have only been dating 4 months. I asked where he wants to go from here. His response was “I don’t know”. I have not texted back since. Would you say we are broken up? Do you believe I should hit the road running or wait to see how things develop? This was just so unexpected, I’m shocked. Please give me your best advice?

Reply December 29, 2014, 7:41 pm


Okay so I met this guy at my old school, he didn’t talk to me much but through a mutual friend we started texting and calling each other on a daily basis. I kind of liked him but I wasn’t sure. Then he asked if I wanted t go out with him, I’ve never had a boyfriend before so I said yes!

At the beginning of the relationship i was excited to hae a boyfriend but we still talked like friends! It wasn’t until about 2 months into the relationship that he starred to complement me and be sweet. He has his lisence and has never taken me on a date, if i even want to see him i have to get there. He has never bought me anything, he’s given me 2 gifts through the course of our relationship, both used, old things that he was just going to throw away. We have been dating for 10 months now. He always talks about the future (i.e. Our marrage, our children, etc.) i don’t even know if I want to marry him! He’s so clingy, he won’t let me talk to any guy, and if I do he calls it “cheating” and gets mad at me! ,He’s 3 years older than me but I am more mature than him. He always makes snide comments about me or what I like, he can be a jerk, but I want to hold on to our relationship. The hard part is I don’t know if i could see him with anyone else, i care but I dont think i should, what should I do?

Reply December 5, 2014, 4:46 pm


You are spot on… I appreciate reading all of this.. Because I am one of those women. There needs to be a change. I deserve better. Never settle. Thank you

Reply September 27, 2014, 6:01 am


Hello Eric and Sabrina,
My name is Jaye and I’ve been dating a really special guy for a few months now. We first net in December and had casual online conversations to get to know each other a little better. I had to deactivate my account for security reasons and was offline for about a month. When I reactivated he reached out to me again and our chats seemed to pick up smoothly as though there was no space in time. He then asked me out but due to life circumstances I couldn’t. So we decided to continue chatting via Skype and personal emails. We did exchange numbers at that time as well but we preferred to video chat daily. When my schedule opened up we started having breakfast and lunch dates as or work shifts were different, he worked second and I had a flexible first shift schedule. We started having dinner dates and private moments when he switched to first shift. We spoke everyday, saw each other a few times a week. Then one day he just stopped, no warning signs as far as I could tell. I spent the day before with him and we continued to talk til we fell asleep. The next day, after I texted him good morning he didn’t reply. He then blocked me from his instagram which concerned me but didn’t really send up any red flags. I ask him about it and he said no instagram anymore. His reply did concern me so I asked him if he was ok and his reply was need space. I said okay, no problem and haven’t messaged him since. But what would make a man just one day wake up and decide he needs space?

Reply September 13, 2014, 1:52 pm


Hi Eric. I’ve been messing around with this guy off and on for yrs. We have been knowing each other since we were kids, as the yrs went by as I already mentioned before I ended up getting pregnant by him and now he rather text and call. He refuse to come see our son until paternity has Bern established, so why does he waste his Tim calling and texting

Reply July 27, 2014, 6:40 pm


Eric and Sabrina, everyone of these articles are inspiring to me! They are teaching me things I did not know. Although, I feel I know quite a bit as an older woman, I know what to do, and what not to do! I am on the fence about a guy that I have liked for four years now. He has opened up to me, and it has gone beyond casual. We never got this relationship off the ground, and I have put forth more effort, and I am done! He has his issues, that I will not be fixing. I am a very confident woman, and secure with myself, I was in a 14 year relationship, and had an awesome connection with him. The answer is space to all these other woman having these problems. You give the guy space, and it he really cares, he will be back! I am better than this and deserve the best. He always said I deserve all that and more, and he is not good enough for me, and I know he sees me as the prize! Ladies! We need to keep this mindset like Eric and Sabrina have said! We are a catch and don’t forget that, and never settle! Thank you so much Eric and Sabrina for these awesome articles, you guys are great! I have read your book “He’s Not That Complicated” It is a winner, and very inspiring, and enlightening! Keep up the good work, and I will keep reading every article that you send! This information really does work! This guy has opened up for me, and I can’t ask for anything more. Whatever happens is going to happen. I am not putting forth any more effort until he does! I am better than that, and I am starting to date again.

Thank you Eric and Sabrina!
Lisa M

Reply July 21, 2014, 1:00 am


Ok so this is totally complicated but most circumstances that involve relationships are. Here goes nothing. My x aka Childs father, I can’t get him off my mind I hear diff songs and think of him I hear the name and automatically he is the one that comes to mind i see him in my dreams and he’s one of my last thoughts before bed and I don’t mean for it to happen. Him n i were together for 2 months and i ended it cause i felt he didn’t want to really be with me although he was always having me over but i was confused in my own way and then i found out i was pregnant and he already had children and it seemed as he didn’t want another. Yes i know he was scared, but i ended it. Only thing is he is constantly on my mind in my heart and we haven’t been together in 3 years. I am in relationship I have been since a short while after I broke up with my x the only thing is I don’t feel for him as I do my x I have left this guy a few times but keep coming back to him although I really feel like I should be with my x. When my x tells me im beautiful i feel it n when he accidently touches me when hes taking our child out of my arms i get goose bumps n chills . The one I’m with when he tells me I look good or beautiful I don’t feel like he means it I feel like he just saying it cause I’m here and take care of his kids which are terrible and I treat them like gold but they tell their mom different and when they argue with my oldest and try making her into the liar we fight and argue and I’m just sick of the bs and stress. I am stuck and confused. I don’t know what to do and if I leave this guy I know that he will freak out and not let me take my kids things cause some were bought by him n his family he’s done it before. I don’t want to leave but I do. Any words of wisdom for me?

Reply July 16, 2014, 10:23 am


Am I in love with my x or do I just care alot? I know I. Do love the guy I am with I just feel more for my x

Reply July 16, 2014, 10:28 am


How do u know a guy really loves u ????

Reply June 30, 2014, 8:42 pm

verona morris

Thank you so much! Such an interesting website! I am enthuse with the level
of questions n answers this is great ! Keep it up, continue to be a mentor where
relationships is concern. Good job! Thumbs up!

Reply June 4, 2014, 8:29 am


I don’t agree that it is always obvious if a person loves you. We each see love differently, hence that is why there is something called the 5 love languages. It might be obvious to someone that words of affirmation shows love because for them that is what works, but to someone whose main love language is quality time, it isn’t that obvious.

Reply January 17, 2014, 11:11 am


For example, for my fiance, his main love languages are Acts of Service and then Words of Affirmation, while mine are Quality Time and Physical Touch. Now if he kept telling me how much he cares and how great I am, while nice to hear, I don’t see that as love, even though he clearly does. This is why communication and actually telling your partner what they can do to show you they love you is a conversation you should always have if your needs are not being met. But it needs to be done in a way that doesn’t seem like an attack. If I am not happy with my man, I tell him how wonderful he is and how when he does (…. ) it makes me feel loved, happy and (…. ).Then he tries to show me his love in the ways I told him I see it and I do the same for him.

Reply January 17, 2014, 11:16 am

Eric Charles

5 Love Languages is a great book… I didn’t talk about it in this article, but I have mentioned it many times in the newsletter and in other articles.

In your case, if you are engaged to be married, you and your guy “fit” enough and are compatible enough that you want to legally commit yourselves to one another forever. I agree that there are things that you learned about each other in order to love one another more deeply, but I would also say that before you reached that depth, it was still clear that love was there.

You might say, “Yeah, but there was XYZ complication at the beginning” and a story about how things weren’t obvious… but compared to all of the things I’ve seen and heard from other people who write in, I was mainly speaking to the situations where they are very clearly trying to shove a square peg through a round hole from the beginning.

I wrote my response in a hurry… hopefully it’s not littered with typos ;) Good luck to you and your fiance.

Reply January 17, 2014, 1:45 pm


I’m actually in a RUT. I’ve been dating my boyfriend on and off for about 4 years. We broke up in b/w 2 years for about 4 months b/c i found out he’d been flirting with some girls. After this breakup he made me promises about keeping me happy etc etc. But the flirting NEVER stops. Flirting as in saying “nice pic” or “you look good” or snapchatting girls. Most of which i don’t know. I’ve come around to the idea of it after a long hard struggle with myself (im an insane insecure girlfriend type must admit). But Yesterday he messages some girl on Facebook who he is well aware that i hate (she never did like me) i see it by chance and he instantly deletes it. I don’t know if there was a convo after that or not, but nothing in the inbox. I’m going to confront him today, and kind of show him why these are the things that make me not trust him at all.
After everything we’ve been through am i being crazy for feeling like he doesn’t love me and disrespects me and i’m just there b/c i choose to stay but not cuz he wants me to be? I need help!

Reply May 23, 2013, 11:29 am


My relationship has recently ended. It was a serious one. We had plans for moving in together, having a child and so on. However, I always said that we need to wait because I would like to advance in my career.
The last time I saw him we talked how things are not working between us and I suggested that perhaps it is better to stop seeing each other. He said we wanted to work things out. Two days later he calls and says “I can’t be with you anymore. I am done. It’s not you, it’s me. However, I want us to be friends”. I didn’t call. A week later he phoned to say that he has a new girlfriend and he just wanted to let me know about this because he doesn’t want to lie to me. My response was “I hope you will be happy but never call me again.”
This week he called and said he wants us to meet up and I said Ok because I might be moving to another country.
So, my question is, what does he want? I can’t understand why did he have to inform me about his personal life and why does he want to see me. I am really worried abot this meeting because the last thing I want to do is to end up arguing with him.
I would appreciate any comments or opinions on the matter.
Thank you.

Reply June 27, 2013, 5:36 am


Hi Erick,
This is my first time posting anything on a website. I just have some questions about relationship. I am talking to a guy now, but he does not seem like talking to me. The feeling is complicated because I know that he does not like talking online, and I am not sure whether I am not the one he wants to talk to or he just hate talking on line. He would talk to me once a while at the beginning, but he stops doing that now. However, he would still ask me to hang out sometimes. I remembered the first time we met, and he texted me after, and I felt great about that. However, his texting seems decreasing. Until one day, he asked me why I would like to talk to him? I don’t know whether he senses that I am interested, or he just asked.

Reply May 16, 2013, 3:57 am


Eric Charles, I read all your articles. But you have not cover or
maybe Sabrina Alexis should, regarding how to deal with men that
only looks for you to weep and complain about his life.

I have actually followed all the steps Eric Charles instructed in the
article of getting out of the friendzone, it works, thanks. But due to
the fact I am still in progress making it happen – I accepted on the
fact he is just a friend, I progressively took a job, took yoga class,
try to lose weight, makeover etc – there remains one problem that I
should deal with.

He still looks for me in order to let his guard down and weep about
his life.

Now that I think of him as a friend, the progress itself has two
emotions intertwining me – I am getting pulled into the friendzone
again but another spirit of mine struggles to fight back.

Help me on how to cope with his habits of making me as the person
he lets his guard down and treat me like a dumpster for his angst

I care for him, but on another point, I am starting to get sick of his
moping and his constant ‘why bad things only happen to me?’ kind
of crap.

I still want to be his friend, but I also want him to remember me
both at good times and bad times.

Reply May 7, 2013, 9:09 pm


I think it’s equally important when saying things like, “Get some priorities and stop settling”, to understand that women are by nature empathetic and nurturing. It’s very hard to walk away from something that is not working when you deeply care. It’s the reason women were meant to be Mothers. Anyway, the point is that coupling those kind of statements with ways that a woman can become more comfortable with themself might be helpful as well. Such as good friendships, personal accountability for our own emotional reactions. I liked your responses on how it’s up to any person to control how they react. Nothing is going to happen to the woman who doesn’t get the guy she wants, time will move on, she’s not going to die. It’s the process of “bouncing back” and reconnecting with your own needs that will help. You are 100% right when you say that knowing your own needs and wants and listening to that are important. I just wish more women would have the strength to listen to their gut, stick up for what you want! The key is not to do it in an angry or “combative” way. I have so been there! That never works. Just be real open about how the situation makes you feel, and if your gut says something is wrong – address it. If you don’t see some change…move on. I once read that to be able to let you you have to forgive. Which made me think about what the definition of forgiveness actually is. Well, sure enough forgiveness is the process of getting back the peace you had before you felt it was taken away from you.

Reply May 5, 2013, 4:28 pm


Eric! Great advice!

I had been doubting whether my boyfriend loved me because I always felt a huge wall between us. I got some perspective and bravery from your articles so as to let him know how I felt and I got a surprising response

He started crying like a baby and saying that he really cared about me and that he felt awful and angry with himself but he said he was scared to love me. He said he wanted to marry me in the future and that he was sure I am the woman of his life but that he’s afraid of continuing in a relationship with me and accepting that that will lead to marriage and the loss of his freedom. They he asked for some space for thinking things through because he was terrified of losing me.

Reply May 2, 2013, 3:38 am


So now what? Should I just wait for him to come back? Or act as we’ve broken up?
He just texted me saying he really cares for me and that he knows this space is going to be for the best of the relationship.
I don’t want to lose him either but I’m sick of his lack of commitment. What should I do?

Reply May 2, 2013, 3:49 am

Eric Charles

Be 100% single… if he wants a committed relationship like you want, he will realize that if he doesn’t step up immediately, some other man will swoop in and take you from him. And if he doesn’t step up, then, well… you have your answer (and you didn’t waste any time to find out the truth).

Either way, it’s a win-win.

Reply May 2, 2013, 3:52 pm


Yeah actually he said that he was also scared of taking this break because of the chance of losing me. Overall, he’s afraid of everything! I didn’t knew just how scary relationships and commitment were for men! Right now feel very angry and want to keep my dignity intact and I don’t want to wait for him to figure things out! So as of right now, I’m completely single. Thank you so much!

Reply May 2, 2013, 8:07 pm


Hi Erick!

I dont want to judge nobody cuz we all have done this and that, we all have been there, but the things you said to us, in emails, in posts, and whatever really stucks to my mind and I really tried really hard to remember it all, but really, they are alot of woman in the forum who just dont listen!! They are looking for an adviced and they finished doing the contrary of what you are telling them to do. How come they are in the forum, waiting for an advised and they all finished doing what they want? Why arent they LISTENING??

Its just so frustating. I dont know how you keep up with this work if the majority of woman arent listening to you at all, really! ¬_¬


Reply May 1, 2013, 9:03 pm

Eric Charles

Yeah, it’s true, but there have been times in my life that even I go against my own advice… our emotions are powerful and cloud the logic of the situation… I chalk it up to just being in too emotional a place to let what I’m saying sink in… sadly, a lot of the time women will come to me after the breakup occurs and say, “God, I wish I followed your advice when I read it… I understand what you mean now, I should have just followed it.”

It’s tricky… love and relationships can blind us sometimes from doing what we know is the right move… that’s why the majority of what I write focuses on what the person is feeling and thinking, versus just giving a 1-2-3 step list, then saying, “Good luck!”

Plus, a lot of the time, people don’t want to believe that their situation is what I’m referring to, so they do anything they can to cling to the hope that they’re different, their man is different or their relationship is somehow different…

Reply May 2, 2013, 3:59 pm


Really great article once again, I love these Eric and always send to my friends who are trying to figure out whether a guy likes them or what he’s thinking etc etc.

I have also read the book “Why Men love Bitches” and I think you would actually agree with a lot of it. It does not advocate women being a bitch in the sense we would think of the word, but rather, it stands for Babe In Total Control Of Herself. A woman who goes out, leads an active and fulfilling life whether she has a man or not, and who isn’t needy around men. Much better than ‘He’s Just not That Into You’ !!

Reply May 1, 2013, 5:47 am

Eric Charles

Fair enough. I can’t comment on the contents of “Why Men Love Bitches” – only the face-value interpretation (or misinterpretation) of the title.

Reply May 1, 2013, 4:02 pm


Seconded, Katie! It’s just another one of those ‘shock’ titles to reel people in but the real message of the book is not as offensive as you think. If ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ was taken at face value, then I’d assume all guys just pretend they like me when they just want to get into my pants, right?

Reply May 1, 2013, 10:14 pm


Didn’t Sabrina just recommend the “bitches” book a couple of months ago in an email as well as guys she dated that she was bitchy to wanting her more? Seems like conflicting advice from Eric??

Reply April 30, 2013, 8:04 pm

Eric Charles

I’ve never read the book “Why Men Love Bitches”, but I can tell you men definitely do not love “bitches”.

I can’t comment on the contents of the book. And I can appreciate a publishing company’s desire to pick a shocking/provocative title to spark buzz and discussion.

… so I can’t slam the contents of the book since I didn’t read it (whereas Sabrina has). My comment is simply about the veracity of the book title on its own.

Men don’t love “bitches” and as for men marrying “bitches”, they don’t… they divorce them…

Who knows though, maybe the book is filled with gold and brilliance and the title is just misleading. Can’t comment on that.

Reply April 30, 2013, 9:18 pm


This was great. I came here ready to read a check list of “he loves me, he loves me not”, but your article went above and beyond. Loved it.

Reply April 30, 2013, 7:44 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks. :)

Reply April 30, 2013, 9:14 pm

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