Ask a Guy: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer? post image

Ask a Guy: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?

I met a guy online.  After a few e-mails, we texted with each other.  His first text message was sexual and, being a flirty person, I responded back with some flirtatious banter.  By the time we met up there was no conversation, it was virtually straight to sex.

We continued meeting up and for the first 5 times I took it as just sex.  Not just sex, but really aggressive, dirty sex and sexual role-playing.  A turning point came where he started showing another side of himself.  A sweet, caring side.  He even cooked me dinner.

I can tell he lusts for me, but given the way this started out I don’t know that there’s a chance any relationship could come out of this.  I’m not a clingy/needy type of girl and I give him space, but if there were any possibility of this becoming something more I’d like to pursue it.

What are your thoughts on a relationship happening after sex on the first date?  Is sex on the first date a relationship killer?

Yes, a relationship can come from something that started with sex on the first date.

There are some guys who will never date a girl that sleeps with them on the first date out of principle, but the surprising reality is that that’s only a small percentage of men who are that are that rigid. For the majority of guys, what really counts (and what they’ll reflect on) is the way in which the sex happened.  That’s the real issue.

I mean, if the sex happened after hours of amazing conversation and genuine connection, that will most likely have good potential for a relationship.  At least, it would at the very least not hurt you and might even help chances for a relationship.  It would be looked at from the perspective of “passion” and “love at first sight”.

So on the one hand, if you went in there and had sex with virtually no connection established other than some playful, sexy banter and verbal foreplay, that will work against you in terms of being evaluated as a relationship partner.

On the other hand, if you established a profound, deep, meaningful connection first before the sex, then there’s a possibility.

There’s still hope if you didn’t fall into the category of profound connection before the sex…  But guys aren’t going to date you for sex.  Sex and relationship feelings are WORLDS apart for guys in the beginning – they are completely separate during the beginning of a relationship and then merge later on down the line (at the love stage).

If you want a relationship, I would encourage you to find ways to connect on a deeper level.  Let him know you…  get to know him.  Understand him, give him space to open up.  You can’t force it, but if it’s a possibility, creating the space would be a good direction to go.

If you want him to be more open with you, demonstrate openness.  If you want him to connect with you on a deeper level, demonstrate coming from a deeper level.  Not every guy will go for this (he might not be in that place), but if he is, he might just begin walking down that path with you.

Now you mentioned that you have some pretty aggressive role-playing and sexual interplay.  In it of itself that’s not a problem, but if you’re trying to pursue a relationship with this guy and a cornerstone of your current “relationship” is role-playing it might make forming a genuine connection very difficult.  Role playing is about stepping into a role or character… and forming a genuine connection is the total opposite.

Given the set-up you described, making a relationship happen here might be tricky.  There’s certainly no harm in trying though and I would say if a relationship is what you’d like to move towards, give it a shot and the worst that could happen is nothing happens.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Beulah Delange

My husband cheated on me several times..I love him dearly and is so confused.. What should I do..

Reply March 29, 2017, 5:48 pm

peace akpasi

I also meant a guy through social network, then we decided to meet each other for real,.and we had sex, he actually took me to his family house, I prepared meal for everyone to eat, I spent two days , though they all begged that I should stay for a week but I refused, every one liked me,.and ever since I left we have been communicating. I got pregnant, when I told him he begged me to keep it, but I don’t want to. what should I do?

Reply June 7, 2016, 12:57 pm


Keep it

Reply May 1, 2019, 11:38 am


I had the exact same experience with a guy with this name,met him on Tinder too, sounds the same – great in conversations and so on :D but I didn’t let him get anything from me. He just spent the night sleeping in my bed ’cause I warned him that’s all that he’ll get. It just got late, was 2nd date but I had no plans to let him close to me at all so I said if he stays he’ll just sleep by my side and we slept holding each other after which we said “see you” but he disappeared. But the 2 weeks and everything else is 100% the same, then I saw the name so it could be the same person. He’s from Denmark, wrote he had to go to Germany for 2 weeks for work.

Reply May 15, 2016, 6:05 pm


Dear Eric, I stumbled upon this article of yours because I was looking for answers on an event that happened to me a few days back. Funny this article was written at least 6 years ago but everything you’ve written are true to this day. Thank you.

So may I just share and ask a few more questions? Perhaps I need your opinion now. I already understood your points on the article but there are a few instances in my story that got a bit shaky and I felt that I need a man’s opinion. I met a guy online (like others), on Tinder. We talked and found out our conversations kept flowing and this discreetly led to meeting that evening because we were both free. We met near my work place and he, for me, was quite a gentleman, at least. The moment we met, I knew we had a connection and we would never get bored. He was sweet, good conversationalist, just perfect. And in my mind, I knew I’d like to date this guy long-term. He is the type for keeps. The conversation at the restaurant lasted for 4 hours. When I left, even before reaching the train, I received a text telling me that he wished i didn’t go home that early. I said I can still stay but he didn’t want. In other words, he invited me home. I honestly didn’t want to go with him but the invitation was an opportunity. We had a connection and I felt good with him by my side. He already told me that if this will be complicated for me, I shouldn’t come. But still, we went to his place together. And it happened.

Thing is, he is a world traveler. His work takes him to places but he is based in my country. And the thing is, the following morning, he flew back to his country for a meeting. He is coming back in 2 weeks. The concern I have is that, that night until the following day was pure silence. It felt awkward but I tried to understand. I just observed and smiled. He told me we’d continue talking when we parted, but he is too busy to text. Although I already sent him a message expressing my thoughts that night, and he already replied, that a second meeting will happen, I feel sort of guilty for staying with him. The evening should have ended after the restaurant, with longing. I’ve read about the article on why guys do not text or why they withdraw after sex… etc. But ours has a different side in the story – long distance, workaholic, travels a lot.

Now, what do you think? Is there any chance he’d ask me out again? :) Thank you for your time.

Reply March 20, 2016, 9:38 pm


Isabel, is this guy you’re dating name is Christopher??

Reply April 29, 2016, 3:50 am


men prefer women who sleep with them right away. the end. don’t let anyone ever tell you different. women who make you work for it, in exchange for $ and wining and dining, are borderline insulting.

Reply October 12, 2015, 7:06 pm


ONE guy that I dated and I had sex on the first date. Something I thought was impossible as I long felt the need to be at least engaged before sex happened, but for some reason we did. The amazing thing about it was that now 36 years later we are still very happily married. This just proved to me and many others that when it is right, it IS right.

Reply September 16, 2015, 10:27 am

Eric Charles

For sure — I know a lot of married people with a similar story. Not all of them would admit it to most people (because society so vehemently believes it’s a “bad thing”), but there are lots of great marriages that started with sex on the first date.

When an attraction between two people fizzles out after sex on the first date, the sex wasn’t the problem… the quality of connection (or lack thereof) was…

Reply September 16, 2015, 5:08 pm


my friend like to have so serious in there so we can each other in top a gay like you

Reply December 25, 2015, 10:52 am


I’m currently dating a man that started from sex. We knew each other for three years from his store. We had a mutual liking and we would always look at each other and occasionally flirt. I always wanted him to ask me out, even tried to go to the store alone without my kids, but after 3yrs I had started to place him as just a crush. Until one day, he’s working the register(he was always behind the hot foid counter) and something happened. We had our little exchanges of words and then the big question’ do you have a boyfriend? ‘ came up. I took that as my opportunity to gently help him into asking me out by saying ‘no but I’m looking’ and gave him a flirty smile. Boom he asked for my number and he called me right away. He wanted to meet that same day but I couldn’t so we met the next day. After a talk with him and his sister and some wine, we ended up at his home and me sleeping over. We talked about everything and I made it clear that I didn’t do one night stands. And although it was a challenge trying to make this into more, it’s been 6 weeks and so far it’s working. I know it’s still early but I’m hopeful this will last a little more.

Reply November 3, 2014, 7:09 am


I went on a date with a man i met online and had sex on the first date. We bonded really well and made a real emotional connection. Our date extended for hours from bar to dessert to another bar. We had this moment where he gave me a compliment on my personality (how family is imp to me) and he teared a little. This was a shock to me because I’ve never witnessed a man become emotional on a first date. Now I can’t figure out if I made a mistake by sleeping with him.
In the morning, he apologized for not being able to make me breakfast (new apartment) and he offered to take me out for brunch instead. But I knew he was already late to meet a friend and I had already overstayed my welcome so I told him we can do it next time. He ended up giving me a juice drink to go so I don’t pass out on the way. He was very sweet and acted more as a boyfriend than a date.
After this, he never tried calling me or texting me. I texted him 5 days later thanking him for the date and that id love to see him again. He texted me a day after (Friday evening) saying he enjoyed as well and we should try to get together soon. I can’t make out of this was just a pity text as he didn’t give a definite date. I texted him back the next morning saying “let me know when you want to hang out again”. This was just today so I don’t know if I’m getting a text from him but now I regret texting him in the first place.
How do you guys feel about a girl texting? Does this mean Im not giving him space to breathe? Because that wasn’t my intention at all. I’ve dated men that are not big texters and it doesn’t bother me. But the fact that I slept with him might have given him the wrong idea.

Reply September 28, 2014, 1:39 am


I feel for you!! You gave up the goods…because he shed a tear..? He is doing the slow disappearing act!! After all he doesn’t want to be a total ***hole..
Do not repeat!!

Reply October 1, 2014, 2:32 am


Almost forgot.. DO Not text a man after sleeping with him.. Let him come to you!
Men run from woman who chase them…

Reply October 1, 2014, 2:35 am


I went on a date with a man i met online and had sex on the first date. We bonded really well and made a real emotional connection. Our date extended for hours from bar to dessert to another bar. We had this moment where he gave me a compliment on my personality (how family is imp to me) and he teared a little. This was a shock to me because I’ve never witnessed a man become emotional on a first date. Now I can’t figure out if I made a mistake by sleeping with him.

In the morning, he apologized for not being able to make me breakfast (new apartment) and he offered to take me out for brunch instead. But I knew he was already late to meet a friend and I had already overstayed my welcome so I told him we can do it next time. He ended up giving me a juice drink to go so I don’t pass out on the way. He was very sweet and acted more as a boyfriend than a date.

After this, he never tried calling me or texting me. I texted him 5 days later thanking him for the date and that id love to see him again. He texted me a day after (Friday evening) saying he enjoyed as well and we should try to get together soon. I can’t make out of this was just a pity text as he didn’t give a definite date. I texted him back the next morning saying “let me know when you want to hang out again”. This was just today so I don’t know if I’m getting a text from him but now I regret texting him in the first place.

How do you guys feel about a girl texting? Does this mean Im not giving him space to breathe? Because that wasn’t my intention at all. I’ve dated men that are not big texters and it doesn’t bother me. But the fact that I slept with him might have given him the wrong idea.

Reply September 28, 2014, 1:37 am


I read this article for a reason.. i met this guy online, as well.
We chat for a week consistently, and within only a week we were exchanging i love yous.
he calls me, he checks on me, everything happened too fast, i know.and then he told me he has a girlfriend and claimed that he’s happy with their relationship, i was devastate, but i didn’t let him know about how i felt. so this guy, wanted me on the side and he admitted that he just wanted a “no-strings-attached” type of relationship with me. after telling me straight what he only wanted with me, We met up in person the next day. We had a few drinks, we talked and had fun, we were laughing and just comfortable. After that he asked if we could walk ourselves home, or at least halfway home, because, he said he wanted to prolong the time i was wit him.
It was litterally a long walk! We walked approximately 5miles! We were both a little tipsy when we started walking, so you could imagine how tired we were when we realized we have had walked that long already. We continued our conversation while we were walking and decided to check in at a motel . Yes,we had sex on the first date. I really like him a lot ,though i knowi was on the losing end because he was honest about the no- strings-attached type of relationship .we had great sex,too! It was so passionate, i could mistake it with real love and not just lust. It was that passionate. The passion i showed him was genuine.)the next morning, soon as i got home, i sent him a text message saying i was already home. I know he’d be home a few more minutes after me, cause we live nearby each other’s. He didnt text me back. Then an hour later i text him, saying i love him . Then he responded he loves me too.then we texted a few more, but he was cold as ice. Minimal response, almost boring. And i decided to stop messaging him. And i havent heard from him since. Did he tell me iloveyou only to get in my pants?

Reply August 17, 2014, 2:53 pm


It is impossible to LOVE someone within 1 week of knowing them.

Reply October 1, 2014, 2:37 am


I disagree. There is love at first sight, but it is only apparent after a relationship develops. Then you both look back at that first meeting/date/hookup whatever sentimentally. So weather it is love at first sight or just love at first sight in hindsight, it does not matter, it’s how you perceive it. It’s your world. Every relationship that has lasted any length of time started with a “bang.” Friends first, or giving things a chance…doesn’t always work the way its supposed to. There’s a reason you can wait, which is you’re not that hot for each other. If that’s okay with you, if that’s your style, there is nothing wrong with it. To each his own.

Reply May 4, 2015, 2:30 pm


Sorry, I meant every relationship “for me” not everyone, and this is a really old post I am responding to. I did not notice. I hate when I do that.

Reply May 4, 2015, 2:31 pm


Believe it or not, I’m a 43 year old virgin: 1) because I’m picky, 2) because I can satisfy myself just fine, 3) I get sicker faster and harder than what’s considered the norm AND 4) because I’M afraid I will become attached to the guy I have sex with should he choose to stop seeing me.

It’s obvious that the woman likes or even loves the man she just gave herself over to or she wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Unless you’re a slut, it is the norm for women to be cautious about who they sleep with.

I am probably only 1/2 of a feminist. I know what I need to keep me happy and believe it or not it isn’t love and presents. It is security & stability, which turns into *knowing* that the guy will still love me after sex. Once I hear “I Love You” and know it in my heart to be true, then I will pounce on him, I promise. But until then, I won’t know what the guy thinks of me until then.

Reply November 8, 2013, 3:51 am


The notion a woman’s virtue is at risk, is outdated. Respect yourself, respect others. Plenty of dates with people and I waited several dates, several weeks several months. When I had sex the first date I did it because I wanted to and eight years later we are still together. He married me because I am confident. I did what felt right for me at the time.

Reply October 15, 2013, 5:20 pm


I would never date a girl that I knew would have sex on the first date.

Reply January 25, 2013, 4:42 am


I met this guy at stabucks and we exchanged numbers and went out a week later. Three days before the date we talked on the phone every day for three hours. Our date was long and great. When he took me home it was late and dark out and I didnt want him to have to ride his bike for an hour in the dark back to the military base so I told him he could spend the night but the only place for him to sleep was in my bed because I was renting a room in someones home. I told him there would be no hanky panky and he agreed. He told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me that night and then we made love. It happened so naturally, neither of us could deny each other. I was worried afterwards if sleeping on the first date meant we were doomed because I had never done that before but two months later he moved me into my own apartment and proposed to me with a ring! We were married a few motnhs after that! We have now been happily married for over a year!

Reply December 16, 2012, 1:57 am


That no sex on the first date stuff is dangerous but I think it’s a myth that it ruins relationships. I have been involved with a man off and on for almost 2 years now and he has taught me so much about men. This man is gorgeous in every sense of the word so I decided instantly “he’s a dog” and I waited about 2 weeks and about 4 or 5 dates before I had sex with him and we have been on and off ever since. To be honest I don’t think the outcome would have been any different if we had done it on the first date because the attraction was and still is so strong between us. I used to think that way, oh make him wait. I actually had a 90 day rule. Girl please. a man is going to be who he is. You just have to decide if you want to deal with it. We may stop talking for a while if one of us does something to make the other mad but we have both just gotten used to it. The longest I have gone without dealing with him was about 2 1/2 months. It was hard for me because I really liked him but he tried to play games and I wasn’t down. I wanted to call him but I went on, started dating other guys. He ended up coming back to me and groveled and got back in and that’s when I knew I cared for him and he cared for me. i know he has fans and I don’t sweat it. I have them too and he knows it. To me it’s all about your confidence level as a woman. we have amazing sex and it’s kind of like…a friends with benefits but no rules have ever been set, we just do what feels good to us. He told me he is bad at relationships, and I beleive that. At 36 years old I think he knows himself well enough for me to beleive him. I respect his honesty and he doesn’t go there with me because he feels like he is going to screw up at some point. . .He has said he loves being with me but he just sucks at serious relationships. I think since I have shown him that I can “let go” of him if necessary, he is very careful not to make it serious. I feel that he respects me and there isn’t a doubt in my mind that he has feelings for me even though he has never said it “to me” but it all in his actions. he never leads me on to think we are exclusive, I have learned it is what it is. At first I got attached and emotional in the beginning after the sex but then once I really got to know him, I started learning his ways. so I would blow him off sometimes too, he’s not used to that. we kind of balance each other out. as I mentioned before he is such a good looking guy he is used to women pining over him, I don’t give him that even though I do in secret lol but he doesnt know. I don’t know how this “thing” we have will end but I know that as time goes on we get more connected to each other. The sex is very passionate and loving, we have always gone out together, have mutual friends, he’s helping me move into my new home in a few weeks, both love sports and have lots in common. we also have both been hurt by our ex spouses and have been divorced and have kids so I think we are just happy the way things are. our think our ages (I’m 36 and he’s turning 37 this month) is a factor too so we both have this “been there done that” mentality as far as relationships and marriage are concerned so we are not pressed or desperate to be exclusive. that doesn’t apply to everyone I’m sure which may be why we have lasted this long. I agree with Eric, who wrote these relationship rules? I beleive As long as you are being safe does all that other stuff really matter? do what feels good to you, be happy with who you are with. Most importantly, respect one another. If you are not happy find someone else. It’s just as simple as that. Now I’m not saying run after a full blown jerk or be a doormat because I will kick a guy to the curb quick and cry about it later but I just have a standard and that is “you will respect me or get lost”. If I didn’t see it happen, it didn’t happen. I don’t go accusing him of anything or whatever it’s not my place but just pay attention to the signs and you will know if he cares about you. There is no need for him to tell me what I already know and feel. He plays the hard role but he is always looking for me if I’m not around, I will a get text or something from him on a reglar basis. and I keep in contact with him. i don’t play those games, if I want to see him, hange out or make love to him… whatever, I call him up and vice versa, he will call or text me when he wants to be with me. sometimes I’m available, sometimes not, he doesn’t sweat it. all this wait for him to call and if you give in you’re easy is garbarge. trust me. He’s always happy to hear from me. most guys hate drama, so don’t bring it. If your guy is avoiding you that’s different. Our lives are pretty busy but when we want to spend time, we make time. He has taken me to dinner, movies, etc. done all that boyfriendy stuff but I know that he’s not ready for an exclusive relationship because if he was, he would say so. How long I choose to stick around is on me, and that’s just the reality of the siutation. I think men respect and are attracted to women with confidence Ladies take it at face value. what you see is what you get.

Reply November 1, 2012, 12:53 pm


I’m 18 I met a man online he is 31 he came visit me from another country we talked and bonded from 11 am till 7 pm then went to his hotel an had sex on his bed we cuddle for a while he hugged me and everything then he surprised me on the shower and had sex again everything was great then the next day he was really tired and acting weird because he went out with some friends (. He invited me but I was too tired to go out) it was his last day here so we spent it together till he had to go to the airport we said goodbye with a kiss then he called me from the airport to say he had a great time and was on the plane that wanted he wanted to say bye, the day after he sends me a message on Facebook saying heeey! Hii how are you? Missing me much?? To which I reply. LOOL you wish!! :p I’m shopping some gift to my friends to which he replys oh Noe is there something nice for me?? And I say there are pink shorts for you!! ( the joke is that he bought one for him then regret it) then he dim say anything so I told him I saw the moor you told me and he was like yaay! And I say I’ll tell you later if I liked it then he asked If I liked it and I say yes it’s awesome and he said something else about the movie to which I replied well if you plan to do everything as in the movie maybe you can avoid crashing the girl with your car lol! Then I saw he read the message but didn’t reply I know what I say was stupid I just feel so insecure because it was suppose to be a one night stand because I have a boyfriend that I don’t like at all and he knows but we are so similar and he is funny and we have SO much in common and I feel happy ad comfortable with him as I’ve never felt with someone but I feel he can hurt me so I shouldn’t have a relationship with him but i would like to know that he wants to have something serious with me do you think he wants to or he’s avoiding me because I was too easy????

Reply October 25, 2012, 9:58 pm


Oh god, are you from a poor country? Eastern Europe? South america? A dude finds you on the internet, you’re 18 he’s 31, came banged you and now he’s gone. He’s probably showing pics to his friends of the poor 18 yo girl he banged on vacation

Reply July 10, 2015, 5:28 am

Katarina Phang

I’m with Eic re. sex on first date. It’s not sex that is the problem, it’s what you do after sex. And sex shouldn’t be a bargaining chip but a vehicle for bonding. Sex should come from self-love or self-love and love to him. Sex has NOTHING whaatsoever to do with lack of self-respect. I completely disagree with that prudish notion.

My two LTRs (one marriage) and ALL my most meaningful relationships started with sex on first dates. It just indicates how deep our connection was. So Eric is right that majority of men could care less when sex happens (too long is more problematic than first dates, IMO) if you are a whole-packaged woman that won’t stop guys from pursuing you. I have proved that time and again.

So ladies, relax. Have sex when you’re ready.

Reply September 24, 2012, 2:07 pm


I decided to date a man (who is in his 40’s I’m in my 20’s). We first met at work( we ran into each other at a bar) , he pursued me for three months and I ignored him. Chief reason why I ignored him was that he said he never wanted to get married or have children. My contract is over and I decided to text him, we went out on our first date. We had dinner, drinks and we had sex – the sex was amazing. To my surprise he text me as soon as I got home the next morning. Then we had our second date, I brought up what is MY issue of him not wanting to have a family, and he said that he said that because he had just met me, but that he hadn’t met someone that rocked his world in 5 years. Slowly but surely I started to get the random phone calls and text during the day just to say hi. Then I panicked, I started avoiding him, confused about whether I wanted to keep my 5 year single streak going or start dating- and I was also concerned about the family issue, was he being sincere? So he started to pull back then I got more confused and the whole thing turned into a mess. I stopped talking to him, and he would lamely “poke” me on Facebook or FB chat with me, and I just ended up deleting my profile. Now it’s a year later, and he text me three months ago to ask if I wanted to have dinner. I said yes, we set up the day. Up until that week he text the whole, “hey I hope you are having a great week” thing. Then, that week rolls around, and he’s not to be heard from! A week passes then he texts me ” Hey, so what happened?” I ignore him, a day passes and he text me “So are we going out or not?” I still ignore him. But truth be told, I like him. I can’t shake him and it’s been a year. I don’t get why he sets dates then the date comes around and then I don’t hear a peep from him? This was a problem a year ago, he sets a day but NEVER calls to set the details, so then I feel like he doesn’t care. I don’t know if this guy just wants to keep hooking up with a 20 something or if he really wants something? I feel very skeptical that now in his 40’s he feels like he has a second chance? And what is up with him not following through? Why contact me to ask me out then expect me to follow up? It aggravates me.

Reply July 6, 2012, 1:57 am


So i met this guy on a dating website and after a few emails back and forth we exchanged numbers and we started texting. he was always the one to text me first. we decided to hang out the one night but since he lived kinda far and i dont drive i agreed to sleep at his house (i know this was probably my mistake) and when he picked me up we had a good converstation we laughed and he looked deep into my eyes. when we got back to his house we started cuddling and the next thing i know is that we were having sex. very passionate sex. it was totally hot and i loved every second of it. we must of had sex like 6 or 7 times throughout the night and into the morning. the next morning he was in the shower so i took it upon myself to make his bed and fold his laundry for him and he really apprectiated that and then i showered and we went to get lunch (well he got something to eat i didnt because i wasnt hungry) then he took me home. the problem is that were actually making arrangements to see eachother to have sex. i dont mind having a booty call but i really like this guy and hes gorgeous in my eyes and i would love for something more to come out of this “booty call” however i dont wanna be pushy about asking for a relationship and then have him freak out and then the booty call is done and over with…what can i do to keep this booty call going on but meanwhile try to win him over? or am i completely crazy thinking a relationship could happen between us because we dont really know anything about eachother. hell i cant even pronounce his last name :/ so please tell me what i should do…this has been going on now for about 2 months…

Reply May 11, 2012, 12:36 pm


I think you should try to refuse the booty call for a couple of times, make yourself less available, i know it may be hard if you in love, but sometimes it will make him think twice about this relationship, because easy availability for man is a killer of relationship, being distant sometimes is the key.

Reply May 13, 2012, 11:42 am


so its been over six months since this post. I wonder what happened?

Reply December 16, 2012, 1:47 am


There is saying.
Good women never give on first day, and good guys dont ask twice.
For me personally i think if sex does not happen on first day, there is no point in future, because sometimes woman just playing you, while having sex with some other dude.

Reply May 9, 2012, 3:14 pm


I have been noticing in many articles and comments things like “giving the guy space.” On the surface, it makes sense, but yet so many of us women struggle with it. Most women know what it is like when someone is not giving them space, but is it generally the same for guys? This might be an interesting article topic, if you haven’t written one already. What does it mean “giving space?” Thanks!

Reply December 22, 2011, 11:22 pm


Heh, I had sex with my current (almost 2 years!) bf /before/ our first date. We met because of online gaming, decided to meet up in real life just to hang because we weren’t too far from each other and when I saw him I went ‘woah, hot gamer’ and pretty much just attacked him. We slept together & he asked me to let him buy me dinner the next day so we could actually talk.

Reply November 12, 2011, 5:41 pm

Sandie L

I dont believe that men dont get attached with woman that sleep with them on the first date. So you are saying, that after months of sleeping with the same woman, having casual conversations with, making out, cuddling on a reg basis.. that he gains no emotional attachment? That it’s just the girl being delusional if she does? I know this is a few months off from the orig convo, but I am in a situation myself.. 2 months now of having met up with a guy and finding out some things in common like having a child go through cancer and survive at the young toddler ages of 18 months old (mine) and 2yrs old (his). We have a few other genuine things in common. I never pretend to be someone I am not, nor do I fib about things that I like, just because he does.

The only complication is the GF he has failed to tell me about and has said he has none on 2 sep occations. I found out on my own. Perhaps this would prevent him from having any emotional attachment to me. She is aware that there is a strong possibility that hes cheating but goes on in denial because he gives her compliments like how awesome, beautiful, sexy, and wonderful she is probably to make her feel better about their relationship. Seriously, if she was all those things why is he wasting his time with me? He once told me that a guy cheats on his girl because the man gets sick of her shit after awhile. I went into this thinking nothing would come out of it, that we would meet up once, have fun, and that would be the end of it. i have been single since 2002 because I refuse to get involved or date someone that I could not see myself with as a husband and a great father figure for my child. It is not because I am undesirable, unapproachable, or unattractive. I am a happy, confident, independant, strong willed woman. I always have a smile on my face and very friendly. I know what I want and thats that. Sometimes I feel that is also my downfall. Do men want someone that they feel they need to take care of or would they prefer someone that can handle themselves in situations? It sure seems like men go for the ones that are holding up a help, woman in distress sign. With that said, I am also a single mother and dont get out much to meet ppl, therefore I resort to the internet.

I am not against 1 night stands/sex on 1st date. What better way is there to see if you are compatible? I have broke it off with someone before because the sex sucked.. that and he was a bit to clingy and possesive. I don’t know about you, but if the sex sucks in a relationship, it wont last very long. The man/woman will stray. That is a whole diff subject matter.

So I think sex on the first date can turn into something else, assuming he is single and open to discussion. Not all men are the same and you can’t assume that he thinks any lower of you if you sleep with him on the first date, (after all, it takes 2) especially when he goes out of his way to contact you again. If he is contacting you within days of getting together, asking if hes crossed your mind.. I’d tend to think that is a good thing. I’m no expert at relationships but I am pretty aware of what I want and dont want. I dont date just anyone because I hate being alone.. I’m not a setteler. I look for someone that shows some inteligence, supportive, independant, makes me laugh, keeps me smiling, and have something in common but doesn’t have to be everything. Sometimes you find this information out after sex on the first date because men are relaxed and open to conversation. Am I wrong?!

Reply November 6, 2011, 1:42 pm


Ultimately I would think modesty and ladylike virtues helps discriminate the ‘good’ guy from the ‘bad’ guy. Through waiting, the ‘bad’ guy loses interest and runs after the closest piece of cheap honeyed behind, whereas the good guy sticks around and shows he’s interested in more than the flesh.

Reply July 3, 2011, 6:33 pm

Eric Charles

A man with a lot of choices will choose what he perceives to be the best option. TV and movies will tell you that it’s the girl that makes him wait, but the truth is that only applies to men who derive ego from the conquering of the woman and earning their prize.
In my opinion, the best relationship is the one that makes me happy. The question then becomes: Where is the man deriving her happiness from. Where is the woman deriving her happiness from?
I mean – do what you want. I can tell you that my future hypothetical daughter will have a wonderful mother who will guide her in the woman stuff and set a good example.
I work with guys and lots of guys will make a huge deal about how many days to wait before calling the girl that they really like after getting her number. They don’t want to come off as desperate.
Now, as a woman, you can understand how a guy might think that’s important, but you know that ultimately when he calls isn’t going to magically turn a dud into a stud in your eyes just as you know that if you think a guy is hot that you’ll care if he doesn’t wait the perfect number of days.
If you want to subscribe to hard and fast dating rules, that’s fine, but it’s my opinion that I would much rather focus on what motivates people than following popular dogma without examination.
As for these womanly virtues you speak of, who knows. Maybe you’re right and there’s a magical force I don’t know about that only women understand. Or maybe that’s your way to justify your mental position and shut out my viewpoint since I’m not a woman and therefore… can’t understand womanly viewpoints.
Either way, I just give my opinion. You can be right if you want to be.

Reply July 3, 2011, 10:18 pm


So you aren’t the shotgun on the porch type then I take it? :)

If I had a daughter, I would be tending to teach her from an early age the value of modesty and ladylike virtues. To be sexually liberated comes at a cost. And I guess it takes being a woman to know what those costs are.

Reply July 3, 2011, 6:30 pm

Eric Charles

What the thinker thinks, the prover proves.

Reply July 3, 2011, 10:07 pm


If you had a daughter would you encourage her to ‘celebrate herself’ on first dates?

Somehow I think not…

Reply July 3, 2011, 5:45 pm

Eric Charles

I would step out of the way and let her make her own choices… Meddling with my hypothetical daughter’s love life would be a quick route to giving her daddy issues.
Having said that, when I write this advice I think to myself, “What advice would I give to the women in my family who I love?” So… I don’t have a daughter, but I write these articles with the women I love and care for in mind.
On the other hand, some guys are assholes. And its pretty clear who the assholes are – so if a woman chooses an asshole to get involved with, then she can expect him to be an asshole to her.
Choose good guys. Good guys will treat you… good. :) And that’s who I’d want my hypothetical daughter to find – a good guy who appreciates her.

Reply July 3, 2011, 6:10 pm


I’m sure we all recognise a ‘deep connection’ as women, but by throwing sex in the equation too early runs the significant risk of the woman being badly burned when the man doesn’t offer her that supposed ‘deep connection’ back. It’s a well known fact that men can quite happily have sex with a woman without feeling an ounce of emotion or connection for her. A woman on the other hand, tends to feel a ‘deeper’ connection to a man purely from having sex with him. Do we really want to make life so confusing for ourselves before barely even knowing a man? And then risk the denigration of knowing that she ‘put out’ to a man who barely acknowledges, let alone respects her existence?


It’s not that hard. And by a woman waiting does not mean she in any way has a low sex drive or ‘ice running’ through her sex drive, thanks very much. It means she is being sensible and not throwing caution to the wind at her likely expense.

Of course, any man would say it’s a perfectly fine scenario…heavens knows why (rolls eyes) ;)

Reply July 3, 2011, 5:42 pm

Eric Charles

I’ve never heard of a one-sided deep connection. Think about it.

Reply July 3, 2011, 6:13 pm


Eric, you hear about one-sided deep connections all the time – especially from the women who write in asking questions about men they love and adore, yet from the man’s perspective, these women seem to be regarded as important as yesterday’s shoes. Women love to fantasise and create imaginary deep connections with men who are actually just interested in them as they are a friend with benefits, a plaything, or a time-passer.

A true, deep connection is full of respect, and leads up a happy road of committment and fulfillment for BOTH sides. Quite rare these days, but yet we all know of the lucky ones.

Reply July 3, 2011, 6:28 pm

Eric Charles

That’s the distinction I’m making – fantasizing and creating imaginary “deep connections” is fine and fun for a girl to do until she starts to believe that it’s reality… and then gets angry when reality doesn’t reflect her fantasy!
If a girl creates a perception of a connection where there is none, then that’s on her. That’s her delusion and the problem there isn’t the guy, it’s her perception of reality and her ability to differentiate between reality and fantasy. When you look at it like that, it would be silly to make managing a girl’s perception into the guy’s responsibility.
I don’t mean that as an insult or anything. It just is as it is… there’s real true connection and then there’s a girl deluding herself into thinking things are a certain way when they’re not. That’s why encourage women to fill their lives with things that make them happy and fulfilled so they don’t try to use a “fantasy relationship” to fill the void.
Again, I’m being sincere when I say that I don’t mean this to sound insulting. Just trying to keep it real.

Reply July 3, 2011, 10:07 pm


hmm…I’m not too sure about your answer on this one, Eric.

I think, with the exception of a few rare cases, most first dates that end in sex kill off any prospects of a relationship. I’m sorry, but no man, deep down is going to respect a girl who is that easy. Where is the challenge? The wooing. 99% of cases it becomes a purely sexual thing, and with the sex being the first and foremost focus of the ‘relationship’ it becomes hard to view the other person outside of that.

Regardless, I don’t care how feminists have pushed this whole idea of ‘liberation’ and ‘sexual freedom’ to our eyeballs over the years, but nobody should be encouraging women to indulge in wanton or casual sex, it’s not psychologically healthy in the long-run. Acting like a lady and practising abstinence until the emotional connection has been fully established is the far better (tried, true and trusted) method of attaining a guy’s heart. After all, “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?” seems to be the average guys motto these days doesn’t it….don’t be that girl. Seriously, self-respect is not to be under-rated.

Reply July 3, 2011, 2:58 pm

Eric Charles

Well… I have… I don’t want to date a girl who has ice running through her sex drive, but that’s just me.

Reply July 3, 2011, 4:59 pm

Eric Charles

Plus I don’t equate sex with a denigration of self. As long as a person’s safe about it, I considerate a celebration of self.
There’s a huge huge huge difference between a girl who knows herself and recognizes a deep connection (and has sex on the first date) and a girl who thinks that sex will “get her somewhere” or “earn herself value in his eyes”.
Society likes to throw around rigid rules like “no sex on the first date” when really it’s not the sex that’s the problem – it’s the selling out of oneself in an attempt to win over the other person.
When men sell out, the woman doesn’t respect them. When a woman sells out, the man doesn’t respect her. But there’s a million ways to sell out – it’s not sex that’s the problem in the same way that being “nice” isn’t the problem for guys…

Reply July 3, 2011, 5:04 pm

Sleepless in Seattle

There’s a huge huge huge difference between a girl who knows herself and recognizes a deep connection (and has sex on the first date) and a girl who thinks that sex will “get her somewhere” or “earn herself value in his eyes”. .

That’s totally true. I’m really picky n I do consider myself a rather good looking women. After getting out of a 5 year relationship to a cheating man that did not sexually satisfy me. I waited a year to date. I went on numerous dates that ended in no sex because I didn’t like the guys at all. Then finally one I was completely attracted to he was interesting n fun n I was extremely attracted. He was passionate slow great kisser. After the pub we went to his place he set the mood, i almost backed out like I was about to run. Went in the bathroom a few times to tell myself what are you doing? Then I said you know what screw it life’s to short and the last relationship I was in was not satisfying. So I gave him a full body massage n we had sex for 3 hours he came like 6+ times n me as well. I was like ok I did it. Damn now what? Sex was amazing I’m actually ok with just having sex with him, but I know I will get attached. I actually Texed him that he did a great job the next day he Texed back quickly n Texed lol thnx. Not a thank to or anything. I’m like wtf. I don’t want to date him maybe cuddle n have some sex since I’ve been deprived. I sent him a sexy pic n he said ur big lips need my bleep in ur mouth. I was like damn what an asshole but then I though well damn why should I care if that’s all I want from him to. Now I’m debating. Ignore him move on n try to find another 3 hour great sex hopfully love of my life or to continue texting him by telling him hey let’s have sex when I’m really needing it, but I sontbwan him sleeping with anybody else while with me n if he does to tell me n Well stop. I don’t want to swap partners and I do have pride and know I’m being used. Don’t know what to do. I do care what he thinks somewhat. But I really just enjoyed the sex. At the same time I’m scared I’m going to get attached. Which will leave me vulnerable to getting hurt by him if he doesn’t.

Reply February 3, 2015, 3:59 am

Your story sounds similar to mine

@Sleepless in seattle, I too had left a long term relationship, but mine had been 16yrs and children after. For five years, and just like you, I didn’t want to have sex with anyone because I didn’t feel like having sex and didn’t feel connected to anyone. Until a guy I had a small crush at my local store, asked me out and on our second date we had sex…mindblowing sex…but we had an instant attraction from day one and this lasted for 3months because eventually I and I think he too started developing feelings. I tried for us to continue seeing each other but he didn’t think it was a good idea…funny thing is he still has my number in his contacts and everytime I pass by his job at the store he’s always smiling and never leaves his eyes from mine. And he is always nervous. I don’t know if I was too bold with him, but if you haven’t told him how you feel and things seem to be going well, just go with the flow. Don’t blow it like I did. I don’t know if we will get back together, but everyday I pray we do even though i have been told he’s not interested anymore. Idk but hood luck to you.

Reply February 3, 2015, 1:06 pm


I think this is a great article … but I do have a few questions about these situations

How do you show a guy that you are opening up or that you want something deeper without trying to be needy … just that you are interested and want to get to know him?

Additionally, is it possible to meet a guy at a bar and connect with him and continue this connection even if he lives in a different city?

Reply December 14, 2010, 11:52 pm


I ended up having sex with my (now) boyfriend on our first date. He told me he loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend on the 5th date. The strange thing is that, a year after, we have a wonderful relationship. I guess we both knew what we wanted right from the beginning… so yes, i guess it’s possible, if both people feel it as a “love at the first sight” thing.

Reply November 8, 2010, 2:59 pm


This answer suprises me. I was always under the impression that no man wouldn’t respect a woman who had sex with him on the first date and deem her ‘easy’. That a man would think if you slept with them so easily, that they wouldn’t trust you and want you as their GF… but this is another angle. I guess if a guy truly likes you and hits it off with you he can overlook a few things.

Reply August 17, 2010, 10:24 am


My sister and her current husband have started it off as friends with benefits and it has worked out just fine for them :)

Reply December 22, 2011, 11:36 pm


I totally agree with Ellen, I don’t think the rules are absolute with this sort of thing

Reply July 27, 2010, 11:50 am


Good question and good answer! I always assumed that sex on the first date would kill any sort of relationship potential (I only know of a few exceptions), but I now agree that it’s more about the WAY that the sex happened. Totally makes sense.

Reply July 21, 2010, 2:07 pm

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