How can you know if the guy you’re with is never going to settle down with you?
You don’t want to rush him, but you don’t want to waste your time, either. It’s a scary concept because if you’re impatient you could lose a guy who might be “the one,” but if you’re too patient you could lose years of your life with someone who might be everything you’ve ever wanted, but he doesn’t want you back.
If he’s showing several of the following signs, he may settle down one day, but it probably won’t be with you.
Biggest Signs He’s Never Going to Settle Down With You:
1. He likes things the way they are
The key here is, he likes things the way they are … pretty much how they were when you first started dating. When you first started dating you weren’t his girlfriend, and several months in he still doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend.
If you are official, you basically had to badger him into it. This is never a good sign. Do you want a guy you have to beg to be your boyfriend? The answer should be obvious, but so many women get this dead wrong. When a guy really likes a girl, he will make sure to lock her down as his girlfriend. He won’t leave things up in the air and create space for some other guy to swoop in and snatch her up. When a man says he doesn’t like labels, run!
Another way to tell that he likes things the way they are and doesn’t want to take the next step is that he stalls for time and puts up roadblocks to stop the relationship from moving forward. Maybe he says he can’t make the necessary effort because of his job, or a difficult family situation, or because he’s still getting over a past relationship.
Some of these roadblocks might seem perfectly reasonable and you may be tempted to give him several more months of not putting in the effort you deserve, but remember—if he’s ready for a relationship and is really all in, he’s not going to want to put up any roadblocks, he’s going to want to make sure he doesn’t lose you.
The bottom line is, if a guy is serious about a woman and wants to settle down with her, he’s excited by the prospect … not dreading it and fighting to get out of it!
2. He avoids future talk
We all like a guy with a sense of humor, but if he jokes around when talk of the future comes up or tries to avoid it or gets defensive, this is a very bad sign.
The key here is how long you’ve been seeing each other. If you’re still just in the beginning stages of dating, you don’t want a guy going overboard talking about your future together, or “future faking.” This can happen because guys live in the moment. If he’s really into you, he’ll be thinking about keeping you in his life and that will naturally come out when he talks to you. The thing is, you can’t put too much weight into what a man says early on before he’s had a good chance to get to know you.
But once you’re in a relationship, you should put a lot of weight into what he says (and doesn’t say!) and talking about the future is good. A guy who wants to settle down will talk about future plans together without hesitation. He won’t avoid it, he’ll be excited by it!
You’ll know a guy wants to settle down with you because he’ll make concrete plans for far in the future—a concert several months from now or a trip next year with the tickets purchased. A guy who isn’t serious about you will only talk about these things in an abstract way .
3. He has baggage
Maybe he’s still hung up on an ex, maybe he has commitment fears, maybe he is depressed or has some other emotional issues. In any of these cases or others like them, nothing will change in the relationship until he deals with the issue at hand
Dealing with significant issues like this takes time. You may think you want to invest the time in someone who’s not ready for a relationship, but think about how long it can take to work through emotional issues or commitment fears. Do you want to put a year or two or three into a relationship that ultimately may not even work out?
Once he’s become healthy enough to settle down, there’s no guarantee he’s going to want to do it with you. Chances are you’re either the one for him now and he’ll snap out of it and be there fully for the relationship despite his issues, or he’s not ready for any kind of relationship and it’s going to take years for him to get there. There’s really not a lot of middle ground here.
4. You aren’t fundamentally compatible
If you don’t have a common vision for the future, he’s going to sense it and will resist settling down with you. Guys can be very pragmatic this way.
Maybe you want to live in the city and take advantage of the amazing nightlife and public transportation, while he wants to live in the suburbs with a dog and a house with a white picket fence. You want kids, he doesn’t. You are different religions and this is a problem for one or both of you. You have different values. You want different things in life.
Even if you think one of these things isn’t a big deal, it could be a big deal to him, and a man isn’t going to settle down with someone who doesn’t want to live the same kind of life as him.
Chemistry isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. Love isn’t even enough to sustain a relationship. You need to be compatible and you need to want the same things in life.
5. He isn’t settled in his life
Men need to be settled before they can settle down.
Does he have a job? Does he hate it? Does he feel like he’s at a dead-end as far as his career path? Does he lack ambition or direction? These are all huge signs that he won’t be ready to settle down in a relationship anytime soon.
A man needs to feel like he has something to give to a woman. If he’s not where he needs to be in his career, he’ll turn away from a serious relationship because he feels like he has nothing to offer. This isn’t something you can help him with—he needs to get there on his own.
If he’s covered the bases above, you’ll notice he lives a more adult lifestyle overall. He’ll have it together and that means his energy will be well used and he’ll have enough remaining to dedicate to a relationship with you.
MORE: Signs He’ll Never Commit
6. He just isn’t sure about you…
This one hurts. You’re sure about him, but he’s holding back. When a man doesn’t know if you’re the one … when he says he needs more time … that maybe he’ll know for sure later … well, this is a sure sign he isn’t going to settle down with you.
Guys usually know right away. If you’ve been dating for several months and he’s not sure if you’re “the one,” it means you probably aren’t. A conversation about it isn’t going to help, and it’s definitely not going to help for you to explain to him why you’re right together. This is something he needs to feel on his own, instinctively.
MORE: Why He Won’t Commit
7. You’re not fully comfortable around him
The biggest sign of a healthy relationship is when both people can just be. The very essence of incompatibility in a relationship is when neither partner can be their true, authentic self because they don’t feel fully comfortable with one another.
If you don’t feel fully comfortable with him, your gut is trying to tell you something, and it’s probably that he’s not good for you.
If he doesn’t view you as someone he wants to be with long-term, then he’s likely biding his time and staying in the relationship because it’s easier than going through the trauma and drama of breaking up. You will sense this on some level, and you won’t be truly comfortable around him because of it.
Being seen for who you are, and loved and accepted for it, is the beauty of a relationship … you can’t have a real relationship without it.
8. He can’t let go of the party boy lifestyle
His friends are all still single wild party animals, and even if he’s holding back for you, what he really wants is to be there with them, going out and acting like a frat boy.
For men, timing is everything. If he’s not emotionally ready for a relationship, nothing will convince him to settle down. If you manage to force him to somehow, he’ll resent you enormously and the relationship will fail.
Think about it: if he would rather be out with the boys at the hottest party in town than staying in and cuddling with you on the couch, this is a big sign he isn’t ready for something serious.
9. He doesn’t follow through
Maybe he tells you he wants to deepen the relationship, but his actions don’t sync up with his words.
Just when you think things are moving forward, he stalls. When the topic of marriage comes up, he tells you he’ll propose as soon as XYZ, but when that time comes, he has another excuse.
Or maybe you both decide you want to move in together, but then he’s always too busy to look at places or is suddenly stressed out about something and wants to wait until things calm down.
When a man isn’t ready to be with you, he may say the words but he won’t make them happen.
10. He doesn’t let you in
This applies to his emotional space as well as physical space. He doesn’t open up to you, reveal himself to you, share parts of himself that you know his friends or family get to see.
You know he needs to let you in when it comes to sharing his feelings and communicating with you, but letting you in applies to his physical space as well.
Maybe he doesn’t make room for you in his apartment. Does he get upset if you forget things there? Does he not make any space for your things in the closet? Is his home completely open to you, or are certain places forbidden? If he’s keeping you away from certain areas of his home, it means he’s probably holding back.
When a guy wants to settle down with you, he opens up his space and his heart—he shares his Netflix password as well as his deepest hopes and fears.
11. He downplays the relationship to others
This is a major red flag. If he’s all in, he’ll be proud of you and want to show you off. If he downplays you or your relationship to his friends and family, it means he’s not that serious.
When a guy wants to settle down with you, his friends and family will know all about you because he won’t be able to stop talking about you. If you’re integrated into his life, it will be only natural that when he talks about his life he talks about you.
12. He told you he doesn’t want to settle down
This seems so obvious, but for whatever reason, most women choose to ignore this blatant flashing red signal.
If he says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him! If he says he never wants to get married, believe him!
Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’ll change his mind because you won’t. He knew his mind well enough to clearly tell you where he stands, and any changes that stick are going to be internally driven by him, not you. If you try to drag him in your direction, he’ll only run the other way.
If you take one thing away from this, let it be this: when a guy says he doesn’t want to settle down right now, it more often means he doesn’t want to settle down with you.
It’s also possible he never wants to settle down at all. It doesn’t matter which of these is the case and it’s not your job to figure it out. Pay attention to these signs and be strong enough to move on when you need to so you’ll be available when the right guy does come along—a man as excited as you are to settle down and start a life together.
Biggest Signs He’s Never Going to Settle Down With You:
- He likes things the way they are
- He avoids future talk
- He has baggage
- You aren’t fundamentally compatible
- He isn’t settled in his life
- He just isn’t sure about you…
- You’re not fully comfortable around him
- He can’t let go of the party boy lifestyle
- He doesn’t follow through
- He doesn’t let you in
- He downplays the relationship to others
- He told you he doesn’t want to settle down