Ask A Guy: Exactly How To Seduce A Man (How To Turn A Man On, Part 1) post image

Ask A Guy: Exactly How To Seduce A Man (How To Turn A Man On, Part 1)


There’s a guy who I’m really interested in, but there are all sorts of women throwing themselves at him and I need to stand out from the crowd.

I am not unattractive, but I don’t feel like I’m necessarily the hottest woman in the room either… I think I can look good if I really put in the effort.  I don’t have trouble with guys in general, but I really want this particular guy and since there’s competition, I really want to know how to seduce a man and how to hook a man’s interest.  Can you tell me what works best?

OK, I’m going to give you a road map on how to seduce a guy, but I’m going to need to break it into a few sections and I’m going to have to provide a disclaimer before we begin.

The Complete Guide To Seduce A Man

First off, I want to make it clear that my one and only goal in this answer is to show you how to seduce a man in a way that’s actually going to work in the real world. In order to do that quickly, I need to be blunt at times and I can’t be worried about whether or not I’m being politically correct or violating someone’s taboos…

Just know that my goal here is to help you get the results you want… let’s get started.

  1. Your success in seduction is almost entirely dependent on your mindset…

    Friends with Benefits Rules by Eric Charles
  2. I promise you, I am going to give you the play-by-play, do-this-not-that guide of what to do, but it will be entirely useless if your mindset is wrong.

    Have you ever been around someone who was trying really hard to be funny… and everything they said and did reeked of a needy, desperate energy?

    On the other hand, I’m sure you’ve been around people who don’t care whether or not they’re funny, but their way of being is just naturally funny… so you end up finding them hilarious without any effort on their part.

    Seduction is similar… if you are desperate for it to work, you will embarrass yourself horribly trying to “act like” a seductress.  If you understand how a seductress thinks, views the world, and what her overall philosophy is, then you will probably automatically seduce people through your mindset alone…c
    ombined with the right moves, you’ll be an unstoppable force of nature.

  3. Why do you want to seduce this man (or seduce men in general)?

  4. To begin, we need to establish what our goal is here. Is your goal to casually hookup with him?  Is your goal to make him fall in love with you? Is your goal to get him to chase and pursue you?  Is your goal for him to want an exclusive relationship with you?  Is your goal to get out of the friend zone with a guy?

    The fact that you want to seduce him as a means of getting what you want is fine (who doesn’t like to be seduced?), but it’s important for you to be clear about why … reason being, one of the biggest obstacles to a successful seduction is trying to seduce someone so you can feel better about yourself.

    For example, maybe you want to seduce a guy into your bed, but the underlying reason is because you don’t really feel attractive, and you think that successfully seducing him will prove that you are.

    Or maybe you want to get a particular guy to chase you to prove to yourself that you’re worthy of pursuit (because you don’t believe you are). And on and on… point is, if your goal in seducing a guy is to feel better about yourself, you’re going to be at a considerable disadvantage.

    Why?  Because you won’t be able to be carefree in the seduction… every step will feel like your entire sense of self-worth is on the line, struggling to survive. There’s just no way you’ll be able to effectively seduce a man under that kind of pressure… which brings me to the first major requirement of successfully seducing a guy:

  5. You don’t care how things turn out… (aka The Art of Not Caring)

  6. One of the most important pieces in the seduction puzzle is that you are having fun every step of the way and you don’t really care how things turn out.

    This is a radical departure from the typical behavior of many women, which is to fixate on one particular guy, obsess over him, and dream up some fantasy future (and then bounce between optimistically hoping it will work out and fearfully worrying that your fantasy won’t come true).

    If you want to successfully seduce a man, you have to realize that behaving like that is going to completely destroy your ability to do so. Before you begin, you have to fully accept that you’re going to have fun and not stress over anything that happens.

    You won’t dream up some fantasy future that you want to come true. You won’t obsess over what the guy is or isn’t doing. You won’t analyze his behavior. You’ll have no deluded beliefs that being with him will somehow make you happier, make you more complete, or make your life any better than it is right now.

    You’ll just have fun in the moment and enjoy your interactions with him… and outside of the moments you’re with him, you won’t really be thinking about him at all.

    If this sounds radically different than how you typically feel and act with men, then that’s great news. You now have the opportunity to get rid of a bunch of unhelpful, painful and ineffective habits and replace them with one simple new habit: being OK.

  7. A seductress knows she’s OK in life… she’s not seeking well-being through how others respond to her (aka The Art of Being OK)

  8. What do I mean by “being OK”? I mean that you realize that you’re OK right now… there’s no problem.  You’re OK with everything… everything that’s happened in your life, everything that is happening right now. You’re OK with the way things are in your life.  You’re OK… there’s no drama, no unresolved issues, no victim story, etc. You’re simply OK and that’s how you are… even when things don’t go as planned, even when something upsetting happens, even when everything falls apart… you’re always OK.

    I’m not saying you become a robot devoid of emotions. What I’m saying is that you’re always in touch with your internal sense of OK-ness… you can be sad at a given moment and still know that you’re completely 100% OK. You can be angry and still know that you’re 100% OK.

    When you can live like this, you’ll find that any bad mood or emotion flows through you rather quickly. Instead of sinking down deeper and deeper into a negative emotion and feeding into the mental drama, you will simply shift your attention to remembering that you’re OK, and in the grand scheme of things, there really is no problem.

    The bottom line is this: Most people (men and women) spend their lives believing they have a problem (or multiple problems), then spend all their time and attention mindlessly chasing after solutions to their mind-created problems. They become completely self-absorbed and unable to be present to enjoy their moment-to-moment existence. Every moment of their life becomes a “means to an end,” in pursuit of the next solution to a problem.

    That mental state is the opposite of seductive. In order to seduce, you must be OK, happy, and at peace with your life… this way, you have your attention available to guide the seduction forward. Moreover, your mood is stress-free, which is a very attractive energy in men and women…

    Which brings me to the ultimate way to be stress-free throughout a seduction…

    MORE: How Seductive Are You? Quiz

  9. Have options (aka The Art of Not Putting All Your Eggs in One Basket)

  10. If you fixate on one guy, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of stress. On the other hand, if you have several desirable options, then you’ll find it quite natural to feel OK no matter what ends up happening with any one particular guy.

    This applies only if you haven’t agreed to be in an exclusive relationship. If you both explicitly decide that you’re going to be exclusive, that’s different. Until then, it is in your best interest to keep your options wide open and actively date around.

    This serves a few important purposes:

    1. It prevents you from stressing or obsessing over any one particular guy.
    2. It reminds you that you have options and don’t have to stay with a guy that isn’t living up to what you want.
    3. He will know that if he wants you to be exclusive to him, he needs to explicitly lock you down in a clearly defined, exclusive relationship (and he’ll know without you ever having to say anything).
    4. If you’re looking to be in a relationship, you won’t be at the mercy of someone else to “come around.” Instead, you’ll be in a position to choose and it’s only a matter of time before one of your desirable options decides he wants you all to himself and explicitly asks you to be exclusive with him.
    5. It levels the playing field … frankly, if he’s desirable to you, he’s desirable to others and he has options … and he, like anyone, is going to choose whichever option he likes the best.

    Which brings me to an important consideration you need to keep in mind…

  11. How hot are you, how hot is he?

  12. Frankly, this is going to be a long article and at times I just have to be blunt…

    The more desirable options a guy has, the more seduction is necessary in order to stand out from the crowd.

    I mean, let’s face it… the more options you have, the more picky you’re going to be, the less you’re going to put up with, etc.  And if you don’t have options, you’re going to be much more likely to settle for less than you want and put up with more crap.

    So the more in-demand a guy is, the hotter you’re going to need to be in all the places it matters.

  13. You need to be the right version of hotness

  14. Now I need to make another blunt, non-PC statement here: There are two forms of “hotness”… there’s the stuff that women are told is hot and there’s the stuff that is actually hot to men…

    I have to tell you, I researched a bit before writing this article… and 9 out of 10 of the articles that came up on this topic were horribly bad. I mean, laughably, embarrassingly bad. Most of the stuff they recommended would at best make a guy feel bad for you, and at worst make a guy burst into laughter at your weird behavior.

    To confuse matters worse, there are lots of magazines and women-oriented TV shows and movies that are telling you what’s “hot,” but what they’re telling you is hot actually does nothing for a man sexually or seductively… it sells products and gets you to behave the way that marketers want … but it won’t make you a successful seducer.

    In fact, if you’ve been looking to the media for information on how to be seductive, it’s safe to assume that you’ve been misled in many ways … so hopefully we can deprogram you from some of the crap that will destroy your chances at being seductive…

    For starters…

  15. Be the hottest version of yourself

  16. Again, bluntness time: This means you have a great diet and work hard to be in great shape. I’ve talked about what guys really think of skinny girls, so we don’t need to go into that here… but the bottom line is that being really fit and healthy is sexy…

    Having sexy hair and make-up is also essential to being a great seductress. Again, ignore women’s magazines, TV shows, and pop culture—those sources will just tell you what marketers want you to buy.

    Instead, if you really want to know what men find hot… look at men’s magazines.

    Really let this sink in because it’s so obvious that a lot of women miss it: If you want to know what men find hot, look at what men are looking at… not at what women are looking at.

    They call that the elusive obvious…

    And once you see, clear as day, what men find hot… copy those elements.

    Now granted, if you decide to make your appearance what men find hot, it’s likely that some women will be  jealous of you … so I suppose now is a good time to tell you a truth about seduction: If you’re really, really effective at seducing men, other women will hate you for it. Not all women, but definitely the insecure ones. Haters gonna hate.

  17. The most important part of looking hot… is feeling that you’re hot.

  18. Here’s the deal… some people are just genetically luckier than others. It’s not fair, it sucks… but it is what it is.

    So now that that’s out of the way, instead of whining about the unfairness of life, embrace this idea wholeheartedly: Seduction is not about becoming someone you’re not.  Seduction is about highlighting your most seductive qualities.

    Don’t compete against other women… be the hottest version of yourself… strive for the hottest version of your body, the hottest version of your hair, the hottest version of your makeup. Be excited about improving yourself and learning ways to be better.

  19. Looking hot is important, but it’s not enough. You need to have an appealing “vibe.”

  20. Men are visual, and the appearance stuff does matter, but how you feel inside will have a tremendous impact on your attractiveness as well.

    You’ll hear people talk about how everyone has a “vibe” to them… some people have a sexy vibe… some have a fun vibe… some have a creepy vibe… and on and on.

    Well what determines your vibe?  Your mood.

    If you want to have the sexiest vibe possible, then you need to let go of all the mental drama that clouds your mood. This is why I was making such a big point about connecting to your sense of being OK with your life.

    The #1 reason why most people aren’t good at seduction…

    Most people don’t have an attractive vibe because they’re constantly in their head, fighting some battle or striving to solve some problem. This kills their mood and flushes a good vibe down the toilet.

    Worrying about your attractiveness falls into this category. Worrying about anything is going to kill your mood, whether it’s your attractiveness, what people think of you, or anything else.  It’s going to take you out of the moment and kill your vibe.

    So instead of beating yourself up, just let it all go.

    Granted, I think some magazines and well-meaning publications go too far in the other direction when they want to pump up your self-esteem. They will tell you to “fake it till you make it” and to do something ridiculous like believe you’re the hottest woman in the world.

    The fact is, sexy confidence isn’t about trying to jackhammer your mind with the idea you’re the hottest woman in the world. Sexy confidence is more about the absence of self-destructive negative thinking (and the behavior that the negative thinking creates).

    So instead of thinking of confidence as something you need to have or do, just think of it as giving up on worrying about your attractiveness.  Think of it as giving up on negative thinking. Think of it as giving up on negative emotions and negative moods.  Think of it as giving up on having enemies, grievances, and complaints.

    Just be OK, focus on your self-improvement, and assume that men want you. Don’t put too much stock into any one man’s response to you. Do you see how all these ideas build on one another?

    Stop worrying whether or not you’re enough, or have enough, and start enjoying your life as it’s happening.  As my friend Adam Gilad likes to say, “Female happiness is an aphrodisiac to men.”

  21. You can choose to indulge in negativity or you can choose to be seductive… but you can’t choose both.

  22. The bottom line here is that looking hot is great, but it’s your vibe that will take you from simply looking hot to being irresistible to men. And your mood determines your vibe, so live in a way where you engage with every moment in a positive way that feels good, and just stop feeding into negativity of any kind ever again.

    Well, actually, I’ll give you a choice… if you want to repel men and women and make yourself unattractive, then by all means feed into negativity (complaining, fighting, arguing, criticizing, worrying, ridiculing, bullying, condescending, putting others down, etc.).

    If you want to be incredibly attractive to men and women alike, then eliminate negativity in your life. This doesn’t mean you become some sort of grinning idiot trying to force yourself into happiness … you’ll find that recognizing all negativity as unattractive poison and letting it go is enough to massively improve your vibe.

    If you are someone who regularly feeds into some form of negativity, you’ll be amazed at how much more attractive other people find you once you completely give up on negativity.

  23. Men move towards what feels good.

  24. Now we’re getting close to giving you directions on what you’ll be doing to seduce the man (or men) you want. Here’s a key understanding about men: Men move towards what feels good in the moment and away from what feels bad in the moment.

    I’ve received countless emails from women asking me why a guy is pulling away or why a guy isn’t interested in dating them.  I’ve even had women go so far as to say that men don’t want to be in a relationship.

    The truth is, there are tons of men who want to be in the typical monogamous, exclusive relationship with one woman they love and adore.  However, they don’t pursue it as some sort of goal.

    Instead, men simply judge a relationship on one thing: Does it feel good when I’m with her?  Does it feel good having her in my life?

    MORE: What Do Men Want in a Woman?

    If it does, he’ll keep coming back for more, and the relationship will likely deepen.

    However, what often happens is that the relationship starts out with the woman being carefree and simply enjoying the moment … but after a little while, her head overflows with some fantasy future of “what could be,” quickly followed by a fear that it might not come true … shortly followed by her measuring the guy up to see whether or not her fears of losing the relationship will come about.

    In other words, she goes from being OK and having fun to worrying and indulging in negative thinking about the relationship (which is really just some image in her head). She goes from being in the relationship to being caught up in her head… which kills her vibe, which kills the attraction for the guy…

    Now, instead of it feeling good for the guy, he feels an aura of stress and negativity emanating from the woman.  It stops feeling good—he may not consciously know why, but he certainly feels that the attraction is gone.

    The woman then senses that the man is losing attraction, which causes her more anxiety, which further destroys her vibe and… well… that’s usually where the guy exits.

    It’s silly, because there would be no problem in the first place if the woman simply realized that her vibe determines her attractiveness to the guy, and her mood determines her vibe, and that by simply not indulging in negative thinking, she could avoid creating the problem altogether.

    This is a point where some readers might get upset because they think that I’m “blaming” the woman for making a man leave. Quite the opposite is true, actually. I’m showing you that you have control and you don’t have to be at the mercy of a guy’s feelings about you, since now you know something that 99% of women don’t know: Your mood determines your vibe and your vibe determines your attractiveness.  When you can see that, you are in control.

  25. As the seductress, you are in control…

  26. Specifically, you are in control of your mood.  You are in control of your emotions. You take responsibility for how you engage with life and you see yourself as the agent of action, not the victim of circumstance.

    This is a matter of perspective.  Most people in our society, sadly, see themselves as victims.  If you want to be successful at seducing a man, you cannot view yourself as a victim.

    This means that you are not seeking things from him… or needing things from him… or craving things from him.

    Instead, you are the architect of your world and you move through it enticing people to give you what you want.  You don’t beg.  You give people an opportunity to step up and be a part of your world … and if they step up and you enjoy them, you give them more of your attention … if they don’t, then they lose your attention entirely, without drama or negativity of any kind.

    This is only possible if you have completely given up on feeding into negativity of any kind.  If you have a habit of emotionally reacting to things that other people are doing and saying, you’ll always be at the mercy of others.

    Most people are blinded by their own emotions and reactions. They focus on how much they want the other person instead of on creating desire in the other person.

    The seductress is outward focused because she’s internally happy and at peace. She creates desire in others, both through her vibe and through seductive action.

  27. The Art of Seduction: Make Him Feel Like “The Man.”

  28. We talked about the mindset, now we’re going to talk about what kind of behavior seduces a man.  I cannot stress this enough: The mindset is required for all this to work, so I highly encourage you to read and reread those sections until it becomes your normal, habitual way of being.

    As I said before, men are going to measure their experience with you based entirely on how it feels when they’re with you.

    If it feels good, he’ll come back for more.  If it feels exciting, sexy and fun… he’ll become addicted to you.  You will be seducing him.

    If you want to be great at seducing men, then it’s important that you actually truly like, love and enjoy men in general.

    I realize that it’s not politically correct to say in this day and age, but quite frankly, men are attracted to feminine women.

    Generally speaking, women aren’t attracted to men that act like women, so why would we expect men to be attracted to women who act like men?

    I’m strictly speaking in terms of what men are attracted to—this is not a political statement or an assertion on how women should act.  I’m simply pointing out what men are attracted to.

    So if you want to be great at seducing men, embrace your femininity.  Don’t be afraid to be girly.

  29. Bring your feminine essence to your interactions.

  30. Don’t compete with him, don’t challenge him, don’t emasculate him.

    Instead, be soft and receive him.  When a woman feels like a woman, her presence makes the man feel like the man.  In this way, his experience of life feels like more than it would feel like if he were on his own.  Her presence brings an added dimension to his life.

    This only happens if you’re bringing feminine energy to the relationship, though.  If you’re not, he won’t be able to describe it, but he’ll feel like something essential is missing from the relationship with you (and it’s highly likely he will continue to seek out this dimension until he finds a woman who does bring feminine energy to the relationship).

    There seems to be a huge media push over the last 25 years to cast women as tough, masculine and combative.  Nobody wants to call it out because if you do, you’ll be accused of being anti-women, of being a chauvinist, or of trying to hold women back from obtaining equal rights.

    Frankly, that’s just crap. I know plenty of women who are extremely feminine, but also have career success, a great education, and the respect of their peers.

    Reject the media’s push for women to be difficult, angry, anti-male and confrontational … nobody, man or woman, wants to “deal with” someone’s confrontational attitude.  It doesn’t come across as strength or confidence … it just comes across as repulsive bitterness.

    Being feminine doesn’t mean you’re weak or dumb or selling out women.  There is tremendous strength in fully embracing your femininity—it is highly attractive and therefore, highly influential.  There’s tremendous intelligence in embracing your femininity, too—what could be more intelligent than embracing an energy that gets you the results you want?  And you’re not selling out women—you’re just being effective.

    My only guess as to why there’s such a big push for women to act masculine is… well… because unhappy women make excellent customers.  Advertisers don’t want you to be happy, they want you to be a great customer (and the media is entirely funded by advertisers).  Happy, fulfilled people don’t make great customers.

    If you want to be a great seductress, then you need to know what to ignore and what to embrace. Embrace what gets you results.  Ignore what doesn’t (and especially ignore anything designed to upset, worry or anger you).

    It’s a shame that I even need to tiptoe around the idea that a woman being feminine is good—somehow it has become a taboo subject in the US.

  31. Receive him… and he’ll find you irresistible.

  32. When you’re with him, be positive and happy. Complaining and fighting is not an energy men want to be around. The same goes for cattiness, arrogance and bashing other women—let go of all those behaviors … they are poison to a seductress.

    Receive him.  Be curious: Be intensely interested in his ideas, his goals, his dreams, his viewpoints and his “mission.”  Enjoy his jokes and his way of being.

    Contrary to what most people believe, men are actually starved for appreciation, acceptance, and admiration.  The truth is, men are generally treated as society’s punching bag—men are expected to absorb negativity from all angles without complaint… whether it’s from his nagging girlfriend, his unappreciative boss, his undependable friends, media portrayals of men, etc.

    It’s terrifying and sad, but women today are taught that men are attracted to women who are difficult and challenging… but this simply doesn’t work…

    The seductress knows that the most irresistible energy to a man is a woman who entirely appreciates, accepts and enjoys him without needing anything from him. That is incredibly seductive to a man… that is the woman a man wants to have in his life, all to himself.

  33. Wait… Why am I doing all this stuff and he’s doing nothing?

  34. Whenever I write a post about what’s effective in a relationship, it’s only a matter of time before someone will comment, “Why does the woman have to do all this stuff just to get a man?  A real man should step up, blah blah blah…”

    Here’s the deal: I’m telling you how to be effective at seducing a man.

    Nobody is forcing you to seduce a man.  Nobody is forcing you to be in a relationship.  Nobody is forcing you to do anything with a guy…

    But… if you’re interested in being in a relationship, doesn’t it make sense to know what works?

    You are in control here… so choose the guy you want.  

    You are in control … so if he’s not measuring up, choose to let him disappear from your attention entirely.

    You are in control … so if you’re not getting what you want, choose to move on and get what you do want.

    So I don’t want to hear any complaining that I’m “telling women that the burden is on them.”  I’m giving you power, clarity and choice by telling you what works.  Celebrate this, don’t complain.

    Now since you’re in control of the seduction, one of the requirements is…

  35. He’s actively engaged when you’re with him.

  36. As a seductress, you are nobody’s “dancing monkey.” You are not jumping through hoops to impress a guy.

    When you’re with him (or in communication with him), you’re creating desire.  But when you’re not available, don’t worry about him fluttering away… so long as you’re creating interest, you can be confident that his desire for you will grow more and more even when you’re not around.  So don’t be afraid of ignoring him if you’re not available (at the same time, there’s no reason to pretend to be unavailable because some silly book told you to wait three days before calling or texting him or something ridiculous like that)…

    Instead, you are giving people the opportunity to participate in a seduction.  This means that if they want to keep getting your attention, they need to be actively engaged in the process.

    This means you need to create the space necessary for him to reach for more of you.

    For example, don’t outright tell a guy that you think he’s hot stuff… instead, create desire within him and allow him the space to reach for more of you. (I’m going to give you specific actions to create desire soon.)

    When a woman is desperate to get a guy, she ends up doing all sorts of stuff to win him over.  She obsesses over him, she chases him and she worries that she’ll “screw up her chances with him.”

    The seductress doesn’t really care what happens.  She has fun in the moments she spends with the guy… and if it stops being fun, she leaves.

    When a man is in the presence of a seductress, he knows his participation is required.  She’s not desperate to have him—she’s there because she’s enjoying herself in the time she’s spending with him, but that doesn’t mean he “has her” and can just slack off.

  37. You are not making him chase you.

  38. Now at the same time, this doesn’t mean that you’re some kind of cold, detached puppetmaster who’s making him chase you.

    Contrary to popular opinion, men do not “love the chase” (as I wrote about before).  Just because you won’t stick around when a guy isn’t putting in the effort doesn’t mean that you’re making him chase you or making him constantly do stuff to entertain you.

    The idea of making him chase you is largely based on the idea of dangling some bait and then withholding the bait so he chases you to get the bait.

    There are a few flaws in the “chasing” model…

    First off, presenting something to a guy and then withholding it puts the attention on what you’re withholding… instead of on you.  A seductress stirs up desire, interest and pleasure… she is not withholding, but she doesn’t need anything from him either or care what happens with him.

    Second, it’s a very short-sighted strategy.  It might appear effective from a limited perspective, but I’m sure that dumping water out of the sinking Titanic might have looked effective too from a very limited perspective.

    What are you going to do?  Withhold things from him forever?  And why would a man with a lot of choices waste his time chasing the possibility of good feelings with you, when he can have the reality of good feelings with another woman?

    Third, withholding stuff from a guy is a lot of work and not much fun… aside from it being a shortsighted strategy and taking the focus off of you, why take that route when you can have fun and enjoy your time with the guy?

    You simply enjoy your time with him, you don’t need anything from him in order to feel OK and you enjoy creating desire, interest and pleasure within him.

    When you feel awesome to be around, he won’t be able to get enough of you.  And since you won’t be screwing up a perfectly good seduction by acting needy, you’ll probably be unlike any woman he’s ever met.  No withholding necessary.

    OK, so now let’s talk about how to turn a guy on…

How To Turn A Guy On With Specific Actions…

So look… this article is probably the longest article I’ve written so far.  I have extensive notes on the action portion of how to seduce a man, but I’m going to split this article into two parts for the sake of getting it out right away and so this article isn’t any longer than it already is.

If you have questions or want clarification about something I said here so far, please leave me a comment.  I look forward to your feedback.

UPDATE:  Part 2 is up, continue reading to Part 2: How To Turn A Man On

Hope it helps,

eric charles

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Jillian

You are so cute. You are like Christian Grey. Lol. Hope my email address is not exposed.

Reply September 13, 2016, 7:52 pm

Deb

Thank you so much for saying something that most people either don’t understand or are afraid to say in this crazy, everyone is insulted, world we live in now. I completely agree about what you said about women needing to be feminine. When feminism started, it was a good thing. Women should not be discriminated against, simply because of the fact they are women. Unfortunately, feminism has evolved into a twisted, man bashing, insane monster that has women trying to act masculine and shaming other women for being too feminine. At this point perhaps we should rename feminism, female masulinizationism. Our society seems to want to make women into men and emasculate men. Look at most television sitcoms. There is the stupid, lazy dad and the sexy, smart mom who does everything. It’s sad. Girls growing up today are being pressured into taking STEM classes, even if they don’t like those subjects. It is great that they are being encouraged to follow their dreams and do what they want, but when we start to make some girls feel bad for not wanting take STEM classes , we have tipped the scales in the opposite direction. Balance is everything. To be truly equal, people should be able to be who they are without feeling ashamed. We need to stop making men feel bad for being masculine and making women feel bad for being feminine. Let’s celebrate each person instead of trying to make everyone the same.

Reply September 8, 2016, 8:56 am

Anna

Great article, wish I had read it sooner. I recently had an experience with a guy I unfortunately fell too hard for too quickly where the “vibe” thing went exactly as you described. I started out by being nervous but confident that he would like me, just like lots of other guys do…he was showing a lot of interest, going out of his way to talk to me for hours, etc. Then as time went by I started to get insecure. I saw him joking/flirting with his female colleague and became terribly jealous. I was also now sleeping very little due to work stress so my confidence was about as low as my energy. Suddenly I felt anxious about him liking me and my vibe was “please like me, please don’t leave me, please stay interested” and of course……. he lost interest.

Of course I was kicking myself afterwards, but it felt inevitable. It’s happened to me before. I very rarely am able to feel anything for a guy — despite quite a few good-looking, successful dudes asking me out and even holding a candle for me for years, I’ve never seen the point in dating unless I feel a ‘spark’ – so when I do have those feelings (on average once in five years 😐 – yes I’m still in my twenties but still) I inevitably also feel a lot of pressure to get it right……. and completely stuff it up even if he starts out extremely into me. My vibe goes off. As my feelings grow and the stakes get higher, especially if we’re having so much fun that I don’t want to lose the feeling, the more nervous I get…and the more nervous I get, the more I also end up acting competitive with the guy rather than just being my feminine self. And eventually, he just loses the attraction.

What I wanted to ask is — do you think there is any way for him to regain interest after I massively stuffed up by giving off a desperate, too-much-too-soon vibe? If I switch it up and follow this brilliant guide to a T after moving on so that I no longer *feel* needy, do you think there is a chance he may come back? This is someone in my social circle – in some months I will be at group events with him again over an extended period. He’s also, and this is the exact problem for me — my dream guy.

Thanks again for a wonderful article that will be helpful to me in future regardless of whether there will be any possibility of seducing this particular guy. 🙂

P.S. This is not me coming onto you or anything as it’s the internet and you’re probably taken, in fact I would normally not say something like this as it would be forward in other situations but… you’re very hot. 😉

Reply July 21, 2016, 6:41 am

Miss

I’m older than you but I’m the same way.. Very rarely it happens I feel anything for a man and when I do yes there is a lot more at stake. I wish I could “not care” and “just have fun”. It may start out that way but when I start getting into someone I DO care and that’s when it falls apart just like you describe 🙁

Reply September 14, 2016, 12:03 pm

Claudia

There are things that are not clear to me :
1. How can a woman not worry and not care what happens if she is in love? Does this mean that only cold women who look for fun not love can be seductress?
2. If a man doesn’t like stress and negativity, does this mean his woman should be all her life a source of joy and fun for him even if she is sick or depressed ? You know, not all women are carefree, some have problems, sick kids etc. And still they find men, how do you explain it?
Best regards

Reply July 10, 2016, 2:08 pm

Christy Jo Martz

Wow what an amazing intellect you have. Your insight on this subject is absolutely amazing and everything you stated is 100 ℅ true.. My favorite is your PC rants which I found halaruous and true since I can’t stand this PC world we live in. Actually I call it ” this pussyfied world we live in”…but this article has really just taught me to be myself and stop reading all this garbage the media is putting out there about pretending to b something I’m not….you are absolutely amazing….I’m not just saying that cuz I never leave a comment of any sorts…. So keep up the brilliant writing which I knw is gonna help so many ppl….

Reply June 15, 2016, 3:15 am

Sherry

Wow. You have provided so much clarity. I wish I would have read this a year ago. I now feel like I have insight on how to handle myself & not repeat the “unattractive” things I had done before.

Reply March 30, 2016, 12:11 pm

Eric Charles

Glad to hear it!

Reply March 30, 2016, 6:14 pm

Jamie

“It’s a shame that I even need to tiptoe around the idea that a woman being feminine is good—somehow it has become a taboo subject in the US”

I’m sorry about how you feel AND you are absolutely right. So, thank you!

A guy friend once told me I should just have fun with the moment. I couldn’t understand him. I said, why play a game when I know exactly what I want?

Then I stumble across this article. I see his point of view.

First up: master the art of being OK. Thanks, Eric!

Reply March 21, 2016, 12:29 am

Eric Charles

Glad you liked it and thanks for the comment.

Reply March 21, 2016, 11:30 pm

r

I don’t really understand what is this distinction you are creating between masculinity and femininity. What is ‘behaviour’ are you demarcating as women trying to act like men. what do men act like? What are women suppose to act like? All people regardless of gender have both masculine and feminine components to their personalities. Stereotyping specific behaviours according to gender is what we should all be against since it results in people dictating what we should behave like, which from all your articles I have read you seem to be against.

Reply March 27, 2016, 1:14 am

Carly

I just want to say thank you. This one of a few articles I’ve had a read through now, and just finished taking your quiz. Everything so far has been spot on with my experiences and what I feel like I’m going through right now. We know intuitively that a relationship is what you contribute to it, and that in order to contribute we really need to be first whole and complete ourselves. I never really feel the need to comment on the articles I read bur after reading few these I really felt centred again. You really helped me to remember where to redirect my focus and energy and I really get now how I’ve allowed my emotions and fears to be the basis for my experience. There’s always a choice that we can be responsible for. I think the take home message from all of these articles is that a relationship takes two. Choose and focus on you first in order to be able to contribute your share to the relationship. Otherwise you’re just trying to draw what you need from it, and that’s not two, it’s just the depletion of one. If you’re taking care of your own needs, you’re in a position to just enjoy the relationship for what it is. And that authentic enjoyment and appreciation are the very things that will have it flourish naturally!

Thanks again, Eric. Really happy that I came across this site.

Anyone reading this, if you’re ready to hear it then there is some great advice here that will contributes to you in a powerful way if you allow it to.

Reply March 11, 2016, 9:47 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks for the comment! Awesome, glad you liked the article and you’re welcome.

Reply March 12, 2016, 11:50 am

princess Eze

Waoo great article I find it attractive. My man is replusively a bitter guy. Get over jealous when he sees me talking to a guy. Best me up….when I argue,challenge or confront him. The guy is a stocker, never cheat….never seen him with a woman over 7months we been together. The guy is a good helper, but my concern is he’s natural temperamental and angry…this article is a guide and lesson to me. thanxs a million dollars….

Reply February 11, 2016, 4:26 am

Ke

Okay, so I use to talk to this guy and it was fun and all and I suppose I got the wrong vibe as to where I wanted a relationship and it just pushed him away completely and its fallen off since though we still chat every blue moon, could this method rekindle what we had ?

Reply February 10, 2016, 12:26 am

B

Brilliant.
To the critic’s.. he speaks the truth. I am a 30 yr old single mother who is a far cry from the physical ‘ideal’ that appears so desirable to men. Yet I have had far more advances spawning from these primary principles than when I was younger and more ‘idealistically’ fit. Everything from within will resonate in a persons daily lives… even when one thinks they are masking it; the energy is very present or revealed shortly upon interaction. It must be believed from within to radiate outward.

Reply February 7, 2016, 8:37 am

Isabel

Seriously your a genius! Best article I’ve read on the Internet regarding this topic ever!

Reply January 21, 2016, 4:12 am

Kelly

Eric, you are a complete self absorbed idiot. You only want to please yourself. Typical of men…no…boys today. Stop telling women they should look at “men” magazines and pretend to be the same women portrayed. You & I know that’s total BS! You must be really hot and 100% in shape to suggest women should work harder to look good for you. You must have low self esteem, not to mention your moral compass is WAY out of wack. You have never met a real woman. Well let me introduce myself…meet Kelly, a 52 year old woman way out if your league. I make a lot of money and I don’t give a damn what men think about my appearance. I look hit for me…not men (aka..you). Good luck with your illusion of your distorted world. Apparently your upbringing was less than honorable.

Reply December 31, 2015, 1:27 am

Eric Charles

Haha… golly, you really burnt me.

Reply January 11, 2016, 11:56 am

Malavika Arun

Hey Eric!

This was a pretty long article haha but I find it very useful and interesting. Its good that you focused on the very details of each and every point . And thanks a lot for spending your time and energy on the enhancement of relationships from a woman’s point of view. Looking forward to the 2nd part of this article . Hope you are good 🙂
Your friend
Malu 😉

Reply November 24, 2015, 12:12 am

Elena

Great article, really brilliant! Thank you, Eric. Being feminin is really powerful, we (all women) have it as gift, even though in today’s society it is not very modern and some suppress it or hide it,but it is there for each one of us. Also being happy with yourself, living in the moment, accepting that you are Ok, just the way you are. Enjoy your life and yourself, strive to be the best version of yourself, enjoy and accept a man instead of obsessing with a him …It all sounds so true to me.
Honestly, what I find really astonishing is that is written from a woman’s perspective. What I mean is you know very well not only guys and what they like, but also how women typically react and think about men. That is very impressive.
I just didn’t understand very well the difference between he chasing me or me being a prize to be won. Somehow, it is unclear to me…how can I be a prize for him.
Thanks!

Reply November 22, 2015, 4:03 pm

Jessica

It’s funny, I just had the revelation a few weeks back about this very idea. Like a lot of 20/30 somethings, I’m actively online dating. I was participating in a cycle of meeting a guy, liking him, going on more dates – future thinking and then worrying that he would leave – and poof he’s gone. I know I’m valuable but I wasn’t putting that out into the world. Instead I was putting out that I was less valuable than someone else. I was worrying they would leave and wondering WHY?! How could they do that?! It was exhausting and pointless. I really think it stems from my anxiety of “being ok.” I’m an emotional person and I had some bad habits. But I finally noticed the pattern and realized I was doing this to myself! I was in control of my emotions and I was in control of how I was acting. I can’t control anyone else. Granted, the men who vanished may have still vanished. But they’re not for me, especially because they left, and that’s OK. I’ve made an effort to change my way of thinking. This article really echoes a lot of what I’ve been working through. Someone else is out there who is for me and I’m OK, knowing that it’s going to be ok no matter what.

Reply November 10, 2015, 8:28 pm

Cassandra

Honestly, I’ve been reading a lot of books on how to get a man. And your articles are the best way to sum up all the books I’ve read, but even better. I’ve spent hours today reading through so many of your amazing blunt post. THANK YOU. I hope to retain and practice the psychology between men and women. You literally made me feel like I have stepped insides a man’s head. Now I honestly know what I’ve been doing wrong this WHOLE TIME. If only I knew sooner. Bad habits are hard to break but at least I can practice. Thanks for bringing me real hope.

Reply November 4, 2015, 4:49 pm

Patti Henson

I am 53 and have been married for 26 years. I want to “keep it fresh” so that my husband and I don’t get bored with each other. This is why I clicked on your article. I was impressed by your insight and appreciated the blunt wisdom you expressed, but I was absolutely delighted when I realized how much the article was speaking to ALL of my relationships – familial and social. Thank you, and keep up the good work.

Reply November 2, 2015, 2:45 pm

Ana

It would be so much fun seducing Eric 😉

Reply September 30, 2015, 7:49 am

Vladka

He is afraid to get close to anyone.

I am 50 and I’ve met this man on line and we had a date. It went really really well, we had a great chemistry, loads of fun and I felt safe and at ease with him. He is a really very nice person but he is afraid of getting into a relationship.
He described himself in his profile as
“I am fairly independent so someone who is willing to take things slowly is a must. I believe that chemistry is important but time together ensures the formula is correct.” And he is looking for “Someone who is easy going and not too demanding.”

He was married for 20 years because she’s got pregnant and he wasn’t happy in the marriage. He is divorced for last 8 years and had 2 relationships since. Last ended 8 months ago. He ended them both.
Later he texted me “As for anything full on and serious I am trying to steer away from that at the moment as I have tried it twice and didn’t like it … I don’t get close to anyone as having to end it not only hurts them but me also and I hate that feeling.”
He also said “ I have never been with someone who wants to please, it has always been the other way round.”

I don’t want to give up on him because I’ve never felt around a man so relaxed and connected but I am not sure how to continue with his fear of getting close. I can be quite impulsive and enthusiastic and I am afraid I could be quite overwhelming for him if I am not careful. I feel sad for him that he is closing himself up because of fear, I know how that feels like and I think he deserves better. I would like to help him but I don’t know how or if I even should. We also live far from each other (250 miles) which makes things even more difficult. He travels a lot around UK but it is very random.
I feel we could be good for each other but I am a bit afraid I could be wasting my time. I keep talking to other men on line and planing to date them but I don’t feel exactly great about it. Please give me an advice what to do as I really don’t want to loose the chance if there is any to eventually be in a relationship with him.

Reply September 28, 2015, 4:34 pm

Mari

I broke up with this guy, because he didn’t seem to have time for me. Now he’s dating one of my closest friends, who I see almost everyday with him. The problem is, I might still have feeling for him, and I feel like if I tell anyone, I might ruin my friendship

Reply September 26, 2015, 11:48 am

Allie

Does the stuff about your “vibe” apply to all men? I’m asking because I am not, nor do I think I’ll ever be, a very carefree person. It’s not necessarily that when I’m with a guy I’m worried about the relationship or being attractive or things like that. But I AM worried about a ton of other stuff. And with any of my friends or exes, I’ve bonded with them over mutual fears, worries, etc. Whether it’s worrying about an exam, my job, my friends, my family, my future or even whether I’m in the midst of a full-on existential crisis, I’m usually worried about SOMETHING. I’m usually over-analyzing SOMETHING. Not the relationship necessarily, but something. I’m not depressed, it’s just that I’m introverted and mulling over problems for hours and hours is how I accomplish anything. And I want a guy who I can talk to about what’s going on in my head. The prioritization of what’s going on in “the moment” over what’s going on in my head is kind of concerning to me, because I give the latter so much more importance personally and am wondering exactly how long I’ll have to have a “Fun, happy, carefree” before I can start being my true self: someone serious, cerebral and analytical.

Reply September 25, 2015, 3:02 pm

Erica Eckberg

Hi, I’m really confused with men right now. I met a guy on this dating site POF.com and he talked to me at first everyday and now he doesn’t text me anything at all. He acted interested at first and now feels like he’s rejecting me and totally ignoring me. I need some advice what I can do this will be the 3rd guy within the last two months to act interested and when I get close this is what they do to me. I’m tired of this and being hurt. Thanks

Reply August 7, 2015, 6:18 am

Autumninme

Hi Erica, having been there done that, I understand. This not only goes for “online dating” but dating in general. I learned through this experience to not over analyze the situation and “fall” to fast. Being on a dating site gives both you and the guys a lot of opportunities, most of the time i found guys were happy to flirt for awhile and off to the next new thing that showed them interest. For me i learned to have fun with chatting and getting to know guys without getting attached. First you have to be ok with the fact that not all guys are going to like you, do you like all guys? Second, the guys that are truly interested in finding a relationship will show it, ask you on several dates, want to meet not just chat online, those are the ones that deserve your time. I found you don’t know if you are even really compatible until you meet is there chemistry. There were guys that were a great match while chatting but meet them and not so much. Remember, keep it fun and not to invest your heart until you have given it time, happy to have had the “bad” experiences as I knew exactly what I didnt want 😉 I met a wonderful man that I am still with on POF, also met some great guys that were not for me, however there were a LOT of guys that for whatever reason didnt answer back or stopped texting, shrug and move on. Dont take every flirt or conversation to heart and just have fun!

Reply August 7, 2015, 1:52 pm

Tasha

Best advice I have read to date! You are awesome Eric! Will be looking out for future articles from you! Gonna give this a try!

Reply August 3, 2015, 6:17 pm

Kris

Good day

My question is; I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 and 1/2 months now. We hang out a lot I met all his close friends and family, we talk about everything he tells me about everything thing in his life even the most shameful thing . The thing I want to know is why haven’t he said we are in a relationship yet and give me that assurance?

Reply August 1, 2015, 12:44 pm

taybz

ERIC!! there is only one word to describe this article and that is BRILLIANT! 😀 . Everything you say is 99.9999 percent true ( talking from experience) and what I love about you is your truthfulness and bluntness. Sometimes we really need to know how needy and damn stupid we can be! And to be very honest I don’t see the logic in woman complaining that he “should man up.blah blah” for God’s sake you want him not the other way around! But anyway LOVELY ARTICLE INSPIRED AS ALWAYS! :):)

Reply June 27, 2015, 6:40 pm

Roxy

It’s important to note that our brains are tricky, and sometimes the more you try to not care about something, the more you struggle with it. Pushing away negative thoughts can backfire, especially for people with anxiety.

Reply June 26, 2015, 7:58 am

Eric Charles

I advocate finding out how to be at peace with life… to be in touch with your internal sense that you are still OK, even in spite of everything. That requires self-knowledge to discern the difference between your thoughts/reactions… and the simple “you” underneath all the mental noise.

I do not advocate “pushing away negative thoughts” or any sort of fighting with your mind… not caring isn’t about pushing down thoughts or resolving thoughts or fighting thoughts… it’s about finally “giving up” the fight, internally… and saying “yes” internally to life.

This is a whole other subject though, so I can’t really delve deeply into it. In terms of what you’re talking about though, “pretending not to care” is not “not caring”… in fact, pretending not to care is way way way worse than caring in terms of the emotional aftermath it will create.

This is not “fake it till you make it”… this is “be at peace”.

Reply July 11, 2015, 4:26 pm

Eric Charles

So your advice is… what?

Reply June 24, 2015, 9:18 pm

Eric Charles

Just because you don’t understand something… doesn’t make it nonsense. Just something that doesn’t make sense to you…

I wish I had defined what I meant by “feminine” – which is that to be feminine is to be receptive to the other person… to receive their energy as you’re talking to them, versus being clammed up, adversarial or absent.

To be receptive doesn’t mean that you agree with something you don’t agree with… or that you accommodate bad treatment… or that you are somehow beneath the other person… it just means that you receive them as you speak with them (versus energetically stonewalling them out).

Reply June 24, 2015, 9:13 pm

Phoebe

This was really well written, and I agreed with most of it. Thanks so much for writing it. A few things I found I didn’t particularly like all that much, but because the rest of the article was so spot on I am willing to relax my stance on those things. I agree women should be feminine… But I also resent society telling us we can’t have masculine attributes, like being ambitious, being aggressive, etc. However these things may not help in the realm of relationships between man and woman anyway so I’m willing to overlook my personal feelings about them or at least leave them for further examination later. As for people thinking their whole lives something is wrong with them and seeking an answer – that was spot on. You really have to let go of that shit and live in the moment – that means enjoying the moment fully and really being present with someone. Then you are in tune with them instead of worrying how they feel, what they think, etc. You don’t have to worry about that if you are present with them – you will be able to tell how they feel. You also made some important points on with-holding and references to popular self help books aimed at women… One in particular I think. I see a lot of women on the forums here talking about ‘making him work for it’, making him take you out to dinner a certain number of times, etc… And frankly I always wondered about that. In my experience men feel that if you only want to be with them (or have sex with them) if they take you out a certain amount or spend a certain amount of money on you etc then they end up feeling like they’re paying for you, essentially; at least, that’s what they have told me in the past. It has always been a major point of confusion for me. In the art of seduction, if I really wanted to win a man over, I would probably have to give the whole being taken out for dinner thing up, right? If I’m seducing him, I’m making him enjoy every moment with me, and unfortunately for me, that means he won’t feel the need to take me out, right? I don’t usually care about it personally but it usually starts off this spiral of negative thinking in my thinking that ruins almost every relationship I’ve ever had: I start thinking, why doesn’t he think I’m worth taking out? I try to be spontaneous and sexy and enjoy the moment and everything but at the end of the day it always feels like I am doing everything. I hear other women talk about being taken out and hear it on movies and tv and it just sticks in my brain… The relationship could be PERFECT but this one thing just ruins it every single time for me. I always think to myself there must be something wrong with me for him not to want to take me out! And if I ask him to do it he actually refuses. So I know how to seduce a man and everything you wrote here is true, the thing is, it doesn’t make me happy in the end because I want to feel that he is doing something for me. Quid pro quo. If that is wrong then that is fine, and I wish I could let go of it, I really do, but I can’t. I enjoy being with men but… I just want a little reciprocation.

Reply June 13, 2015, 12:50 pm

Phoebe

Actually I wasn’t asking for your advice

Reply June 21, 2015, 10:10 pm

Eric Charles

Hehe… burn. 😉

Reply June 24, 2015, 9:44 pm

Eric Charles

It is written from the perspective of a man… talking about what seduces men… in response to a woman asking about how to seduce a man.

There are a number of things I disagree with in your comment… You talk about what will make her happy… then go on to say that living in the moment, won’t (as if happiness could come about from anywhere else BUT the present moment)… then you go on to say that a better path is thinking with your head and thinking about the future will lead to relationship success/happiness…

I’m sorry, but being caught up in your head and in some mind-projected future is the fundamental recipe for unhappiness… it is the central core of what creates the majority of suffering in people…

I’m basing that on observing the millions of people who end up on my site, looking to solve their relationship problems… people who are incredibly unhappy when they come through the door… these are people who have been consumed by the unrelenting grip of the mind and caught up in some mind-projected future.

I’m sorry, but giving someone a laundry list of “shoulds” for what a man should be doing doesn’t help women… it just gives them one more thing to get caught up in their head about.

You wrote two comments on this post in response to other commenters and they were both loaded up with “shoulds”… just because you have a rule book for life and the behavior of others doesn’t mean anyone is going to follow it… chance are, they won’t… and you’ll be upset about it. Not exactly a recipe for bliss and joy, hmmm?

Reply June 24, 2015, 9:44 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome, and thanks for the comment.

Yeah — I didn’t explicitly define what I meant by being feminine, which is simply: be receptive to the person you’re talking to.

Receptive, receiving energy.

Not distracted energy. Or clammed up energy. Or dominating energy.

At the same time, that doesn’t mean that you’re not having an authentic response to them. If anything, when you’re truly receiving the other person fully, then you’ll have the most authentic response to them — it doesn’t mean your response is positive or negative, strong or soft, pleasant or unpleasant… it just means that you are receiving them as you’re communicating.

So yeah, that’s what I mean by feminine / feminine energy. Has nothing to do with ambition, aggressiveness, etc.

Women have an outstanding ability to receive and *from that place of receiving* have an outstanding ability to express themselves. Being feminine, being receptive is not weak… it is strong… and that is empowering. There is nothing weak or submissive about being feminine… if anything, I’m saying use your superpowers… don’t clam them up or squander them while being caught up in some mental bulls***.

Your points on being present mirror, in many ways, points on being feminine. So I’m not worried about you “getting it”… I just wanted to clarify the points about being feminine since I didn’t in the article (and as of today I haven’t edited the article to include those points).

Now, in response to him taking you out on dates… to dinner, movies, events, etc…

My comment on that is more covered in the second part of this article, where I talk about specific actions in seduction…

One of the things I say is that you don’t stop dating until you have the relationship you want. A central problem I see with a lot of dating advice books is that they paint this idea into women’s minds that you can just use “relationship advice mind tricks” to change a man’s behavior… so if he’s not doing XYZ, you can just whip out a tactic and manipulate him with it.

When you get down to it, the biggest biggest biggest factor in having a great relationship is choosing a good relationship partner for you… instead of picking some guy or relationship dynamic that isn’t what you want and then trying to turn it into what you want.

You don’t have what you want? Great… keep looking… stay in the dating market until you find what you want… maybe the guy you’re with now will step up and change… maybe he won’t. But if he doesn’t, you will not have wasted any time waiting around for him to change. Stop wasting your time on bad matches… This isn’t your husband. You don’t have kids together. There’s nothing stopping you from meeting one of the other billions of men on this planet who just might happen to be closer to what you actually want.

Reply June 24, 2015, 10:03 pm

Shoshannah

Great article. I like especially the part about us having a choice to seduce, a power that we don’t have to use if we don’t want to…

Don’t want to sound arogant, but I think I am a good seductress in general and was a perfect seductress with one guy… Until he acted like a jerk a few times… And although I was trying to forgive him, I was just too full of resentment, so obviously – wasn’t able to appreciate and admire him as I had before. In Eric’s terms – I would say that I chose not to seduce him anymore. Things ended, but I’m pretty sure that’s for the best. His loss 😉

What I want to say is that it’s not that difficult to seduce and many women know how to do it intuitively. The thing is for a good seduction a right men is required.

Reply June 12, 2015, 4:30 pm

Aisha

what is most amazing here, that the whole write up actually feels like you care – amazing to be able to show it while not mincing words

may I please add a bit; there is a another dimension to the concept here of being OK; we are moved by potential and work for projected image somewhere in future to materialize, missing the NOW altogether

seduction, bantering, flirtation, love can be passing and in-now feelings, which can be totally enjoyed as they happen; .. for it to develop into something at later stage is never dependent on one person; no matter how OK he or she feels.

maybe it is OK to love, seduce, have fun for the simple pleasure it brings, most significant relations in my life almost always had a propeller of their own self-fuel; no need to work hard or do anything to keep it fueled, just enjoying each moment and each other, gradually (if BOTH feel the same) will lead to more meaning all on its own accord (sounds silly but that’s what works for me)

brilliant stuff ..
love,
Aisha

Reply June 7, 2015, 3:48 pm

Aisha

Really Nice, and somehow Eric it comes across as you really care, which is the best part of responding..

there was some debate above about love and absence of it and being healthy; on the stake of sounding controversial, we women sometime take love and relationships (committed bf/gf) a synonym.

flirtation, seduction, love for the sake of flirtation, seduction and love as highly enjoyable pleasures can be tried too. It may develop into something or maynot – no pressure and it is OK.

Great article & brilliant mind .. keep up 🙂
love

Reply June 7, 2015, 3:29 pm

Ace

ok I received somthing that another relationship expert says that what eric is telling us is the oposite of how to attract men so either one is lying or without the whole purchuse you can’t get how these two are Similar again I’m scratching my head here

Reply June 7, 2015, 11:16 am

Eric Charles

I write my opinions on this site… I write what I believe to be the most effective way to address the situations the readers ask me about. I write what I would want someone to tell my sister if she had the question being asked – to me that means saying what needs to be said in order to help the person get out of pain… even if it’s not comfortable, even if it’s not what they initially want to hear…

So what I say may or may not be what other relationship experts say… I’m OK with that. If I’m asked a specific question about why I believe one thing versus another, I can explain my reasoning, experiences and observations… but in this case I don’t have any specific question to speak to, so the best I can say is that some other person is saying something different than what I’m saying… and that doesn’t bother me.

Reply June 8, 2015, 12:37 am

Christy

Just this comment needs a like button, you’re really cool for standing up for what you believe. I love everything you’ve wrote on this topic, & you’ve done an amazing & brilliant job explaining it. Can’t wait for part two!

Reply June 8, 2015, 2:47 am

Ace

I forget what it was but it was somthing you endorsed who said the oposite of you hence my confusion thanks for responding to me and first time too

Reply June 19, 2015, 7:06 pm

Eric Charles

Didn’t I answer this the first time you said it… like… 5 seconds ago?

Reply June 24, 2015, 9:28 pm

Amanda

Ma dude, you are speaking the truth.com.
Be the hottest version of yourself. Couldn’t have said it any better

Reply June 4, 2015, 10:03 am

Vanessa

Good stuff. Anxiously awaiting the second part! It’s been 2 weeks! 🙂

Reply June 3, 2015, 7:56 pm

TINA

Looove this!!! Shared it with my friends

Reply June 3, 2015, 7:27 pm

Javi

Thank you for write this article!… gitty up for the second part

Reply June 3, 2015, 5:16 pm

Ann

Hi Eric,
Great article, thanks so much for this perspective. I am struggling with the concept of: “First off, presenting something to a guy and then withholding it puts the attention on what you’re withholding… instead of on you. A seductress stirs up desire, interest and pleasure… she is not withholding, but she doesn’t need anything from him either or care what happens with him.”
How do I express to my guy that I while I believe in what we have together, I have a high sense of self worth and feel like I “deserve more” in our relationship. Trying to gracefully hand it to him with the message of, “I would like this to work but I can’t continue like this…”
Thanks for ALL your great words!

Reply June 2, 2015, 11:45 am

Daisy

Hi Ann, your message caught my eye as it seems like you are hurting.
Sometimes Eric is prompt in responding to comments but usually he doesn’t get around to most.. as I am sure he is quite busy.

I suggest you go to the “forum” section on this board and respost your question. Several ladies there are quite relationship savvy and can help you approach this.

Best wishes!

Reply June 4, 2015, 12:53 pm

Eric Charles

Hmmm… people who have a high sense of self worth don’t typically need to say that they have a high sense of self worth…

It sounds more like you have a set of rules about how others are supposed to act and treat you and when they don’t, you have some negative reaction…

Do you remember the part of this article about not caring? Read that part again a few times… that’s kind of a requirement…

This mindset stuff isn’t a la carte.

Reply June 24, 2015, 9:32 pm

briLyse

oh my gosh i love this article! It couldn’t have came at a more perfect time. I’m interested in a guy that seemed to have been smitten by me for years. I’ve always liked him just as much as he liked me, but he never did enough to back up the words that were coming out of his mouth. Still doesn’t actually. And silly me i was about to do what i did in my past, figuring if i give more than he will too, worried that if i didn’t then he will fall for someone else. He’s a popular figure and has women thrown at his feet all the time. But one must ask, why is he still single? If he’s even single. If he is, what’s missing out of all these girls. He chased me for 3 years straight before i even gave him a slice of the pie, and still chasing but not quite the way i want. I’m distant, and a little mean to him, and once upon a time i could careless on if we ended up together or not. I believe my desire for a family and a life with someone i love is clouding my judgement a bit, and this article along with my prayers help me come to that realization. Thanks Eric. One thing you did point out that I’m going to apply to life in general not just men, is the being “ok” method. I tend to worry and over analyze so much that drives my friends nuts when i ask for advice. lol. No more. It’s going to take practice but i’m gonna do it.

Reply June 2, 2015, 11:36 am

Hassa

Well
I need some spot on advice! I’ve been liking this guy for about 5 months but I never got the chance to even get to know him properly until he and I started attending a class together coincidentally. He talks to me normally but whenever I’m talking with him it makes my heart beat so fast and I become so nervous. Whenever we are standing listening to our instructor he tends to lean over and stay against my arm and also when he speaks to me he leans forward and comes really close. However I just confessed and told him I like him but he said that he doesn’t have time to date. He and I chat almost everyday. But sometimes since he’s busy he tends to get late to reply. It drives me crazy when he’s not chatting with me. I don’t know whether it’s just a crush or its real love. I’m so confused about what to do, cause I feel I’ll go crazy if I don’t get to be with him. Please give me advice how to make him fall for me or what I should do.
Thanks
Hassa

Reply May 28, 2015, 4:40 pm

Kira

Hi, Eric, am profoundly impressed with your insight into male-female dynamics. This is a topic I find intensely interesting these days. Long story short, in the past year after a traumatic experience that turned out to be a huge blessing, I lost 30 pounds, fell in love with myself, and became a feminine woman that masculine men are really attracted to! I also became fascinated by men in general in a way I never had been. I developed strong feelings for a friend of mine who is in a long-term relationship, and have begun to accept that “we” may never happen. But I learned something from one of your articles: that it’s “okay.” It’s all okay. I can’t believe how soothing taking on that mantra has been! So thank you! Meanwhile, I date like there’s no tomorrow, and they all ask me out again, even though frankly I don’t put out or even kiss them for quite a few dates. One of these days it will happen, but I’m perfectly content in my awesome life and what will come, will come. Anyway, thanks!

Kira

Reply May 28, 2015, 4:26 pm

Maria

We need part two!!!!!

Reply May 27, 2015, 7:50 pm

Emily

Great! When will part 2 be up, and where can we find it when it’s updated?

Reply May 26, 2015, 9:50 pm

Cammy M.

Hi Eric,

I think your article is spot-on, however, it seems you’ve only described the very basics of seduction — mindset, or “inner game” as they say in pick-up artist (PUA) circles. I actually consider myself very good at seduction and I have all the basics you described in this article down to a lifestyle (I look good, I have a great body, I style my hair, I take care of my skin, I am very feminine without coming across as high maintenance or as someone who takes myself too seriously, I love men and male attention yet at the same time do not depend on them/it to feel good about myself, I make men feel good and wanted), so I was hoping you would have more tangible, on-the-field, “intermediate”/”advanced” level seduction techniques. But maybe that will all be in your Part II.

For example, I can give away one thing that always works for me in building attraction. Men love it when you genuinely find them funny and laugh at their jokes. Don’t fake laughter (if you’re faking laughter in his presence, he’s probably not the one you want to seduce anyway) — just be light-hearted, have a relaxed face, and find things funny.

On second thought…it’s possible I’ve already got everything down…but still, I am really looking forward to Part II of this article and hopefully reading some more direct applications of seduction. One can never know too much or be too powerful. 😉 Hahaha.

Best,
Cammy M.

Reply May 26, 2015, 8:56 am

Lotte

Eric,

Over the last 2 months or so, I got obsessed with a guy. That’s the time I started to google “signs he love/ not into you” and found this site. It’s great!

I hope I could have started reading your articles earlier. . .

I’m kind of dating this guy for 3 months. The more I like him, the more he withdrew. We got to a point that he said we should not see each other, because he wants something simple, easy and relaxing. We are not ticking any of the boxes. We had a talk. He said understands relationships may get crazy at some point, but we’re not even in a relationship. Didn’t have much of the honeymoon period and got straight to the complicated bit. Initially, he said we should go our separate ways. I was upset. Before we said goodbye, I asked again if we could still see each other, he said things got complicated but he still enjoys my company, so he said yes.

He was very honest telling me that he lost the motivation to ask me out. I know I did too much, didn’t leave him room to chase me. Can I still get him “back to the game”?

Thank you so much

Reply May 25, 2015, 7:46 pm

sara

Hi, Eric.
Your article has come at the right time, for me. I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost two years and, I have to say, that when we are together we have a great time. We don’t leave in the same city, so we see each other a couple of time a month because he is retired while I’m still working. We lived together for almost a year, but he felt trapped and moved away. He got in touch with me a month later and we reconnected. Everything was going well until I “informed” him of my plans to move in with him after I retire. Of course, this freak him out and, again, he started to distance himself.
What is interesting about this story, if you want to call it so, is that, after I told him my plan, I had a moment of panick and realized that I don’t want to get married and, certainly, I don’t want to trap him. I told him this during our last conversation, but right now he is keeping his distance.
Now, let’s talk about my femininity: I have been told by other men that I’m beautiful because of my femininity which, I believe, it comes from my positive outlook at life, my good sense of humor, and with being happy with who I am and with my career- I’m a teacher:-) –
OK, where am I going with this, you may ask? I’m angry with myself for bringing up a plan that is still somewhere down the road and for subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. I say subconsciously because I realized that what I said came from a hidden panick for the future retirement with its financial consequences.
I’m also super confused with my own emotions, which have caused a temporary loss of being in charge. So, I will read your letter one more time and recharge my batteries.;-) . looking forward to reading part two.
Sara

Reply May 24, 2015, 11:46 am

Haley

I get emails from this site all the time and I’d really like to ask a question but I’m not sure how to. Do I just leave a comment?

Reply May 23, 2015, 8:42 am

Eva Rocha

Hi, my name is Eva
I’ve been visiting your web site since the guy of my life broke up with me. We dated for 1 year and it all just went away…
Honestly I’ve understrood what I did wrong and why he left me: I was being needy, I wasn’t giving him space, but most of all I showed him the wost part of me. Let me explain you, I got incredibly sick for 3 moths. I was in a deep depression state because of family matters. I couldn’t go out and enjoy life because I didn’t want to. I said to everyone that loves me I didn’t want to do anything. I said I thought life wasn’t worth fighting for. And all that miserable thoughts and emotions I coundn’t control at that point.
I told him all of these and probably worse… But he was always there for me. He would visit me every single day. He would text me. He would call me. He would do what ever necessary to check if I was doing OK… When he visited me he would hug me or say kind words or cuddle with me.
After I felt better and started going to work again (I couldn’t have gone to work either) he wasn’t the same. Not that he completely changed his behaviour, but there was definitely changes. In a bad way.
Despite those 3 awfull months, our relationship was always amazing. I felt his love. I said he couldn’t live without me and loved me more than he could ever imagine. Everyone around us would tell me he truly loved me.
But after those months it started changing… Gradually changing… Untill it got to a point where he said he needed space and one week later broke up with me…
One weekend I sent him some images off us and he started crying. The week after that he broke up with me…
I was so devastated I would cry in the middle of the street. I still can’t imagen my life without him and I would do anything to get back to what we were.
The weekend after I asked him why he broke up with me… Via facebook… And he told me something completly different from what he told me at the moment he broke up with me… He told me he loved me after all and the reason he broke up with me was because he saw me chating with a stranger, also the conversation he heard me having with a friend (I was trying to not look desperate to her because I know she feels my pain and I didn’t want her sad) and finally because he thought he didn’t live me enough.
I was so confused by what he told me I started thinking it was just and excuse and thought he just lost interest and didn’t want to hurt me. The fact is everyone that knows us tells me its completely impossible he doesn’t feel anything for me as he said the first time. They also think he is tremendously confused and doesn’t know what he wants.
The thing is I want so badly to help him but… He broke up with me… He said he couldn’t be with me despite loving me… How do I help him? How do I get him back?
We rarely see each other despite working in the same place. There was this one time I was feeling so lost I cried in the caffeteria. He got in, saw me and ran to me trying to calm me. He grabed my hand, huged me, kissed me on the forehead and told me that he wanted to be friends. He said he wanted to be the first one to help me when I needed and wanted me for the rest of his life but he couldn’t be with me at the moment… He said he didn’t want to be with nobody. Not friends. Nobody. Just wanted to be alone and to have space
I know I have to give him space. I just want to know what to do not to lose him. I’m afraid that by being separated he loses interest or starts dating someone else (despite what he said) and forgets about me. I want to conquer what has been lost. He said that he doesn’t love me as much as he used to. And people tell me there’s no such thing as loving more or less. You either love or not. End of story… I’ve tought that maybe he just isn’t in love with me… And it’s OK… As long as he loves me maybe we can have a new begining… But. How do I do it? How do I catch his attention and capture his heart again?… It’s been one week now since the breake up… How do I get him back knowing we rarely see each other and knowing he needs space?
Thank you, Eva

PS: I’m sorry about some grammatical mistakes. My mother language isn’t English. Hope you understand everything though

Reply May 23, 2015, 4:45 am

Alyssa

You are absolutely brilliant!! Having read books on this stuff my whole life, your advice always makes the most sense! You don’t give just a quick fix, you take a holistic approach. Maybe 10 years ago I wouldn’t agree with you but having learned a lot of lessons the hard way, I’ll say there’s lots of nuggets of wisdom.I’ve implanted your advice and it’s already working great. I was approaching my crush completely wrong by trying to be aloof and seem uninterested. (Although I flirt and give attention to all the rest, damn all that make him chase you advice) I could never just be normal but after taking your advice about not caring, stressing the outcome, reading into every detail, fantasizing our happily ever after constantly, and being ok. I was able to incredibly pleasant and he was quite thrown back and receptive.

I can’t wait for the second part. I came on this site to be distracted for a bit from life’s problems and your advice actually helped with my issues not even relating to men. I can’t wait to implement all your advice. Thanks Eric for always keeping it real, even if it’s not politically correct. My future boyfriend thanks you too. lolol

Reply May 22, 2015, 9:01 pm

Ann

Good stuff, most of part 1 I think I do naturally, can’t wait for part 2. Appreciate your mature insight Eric!

Reply May 22, 2015, 8:27 pm

Cat

Well, i Dont know, i know a guy who told me women think they need to be submissive (ie avoiding conflict, always support him, be nice no matter what etc..) but that he feels they are wrong. So i guess a little force of character on display cant be bad, it shows a woman has an edge and standards. Makes clear, she is not a doormat, cause there is a fine balance IMO between being nice, happy, supportive, easy to be with and doormat.

Reply May 22, 2015, 2:54 pm

Eric Charles

I never said anything about being a doormat or submissive. I did say feminine energy and being feminine is attractive…

What I did not do (and at some point probably will add to the article) is clearly give my definition of what it means to be feminine… which is simply to be receptive to the other person that they’re talking to… to be with them and feel the person you’re speaking to…

Maybe that sounds like it would be a common thing, but a lot of women are distracted (fingering their phones or thinking about nonsense) or combative (treating conversation like it’s a stage to argue about everything and anything) or a dumping ground (to just dump whatever is going through their head emotionally onto the people she’s with, but receive nothing from them in return).

Being receptive might mean that you’re with someone and receive their energy and, well, their energy feels like shit and you rip them to shreds… fair enough… but what makes it feminine is the fact that you received them and the source of your response is coming from that feminine place of having received them.

I tend to think talking about “energy” is a cop-out to rational discussion, but in this case it’s the only way I can explain it without having to make an even more lengthy discussion…

Reply June 24, 2015, 9:26 pm

Grey

Very interesting article but I disagreed with one point you made. Finding love with the right person WILL make you happier, WILL make you feel more complete, and WILL make your life better. But there’s a huge difference between WANTING a guy who is actively pursuing you and NEEDING love from a guy who is not clearly trying to claim you.

When you meet the right guy you both just know. There’s no need to seduce and no need to play hard to get. It just flows so naturally and there is no stress at all because the guy will clearly show how he feels through his actions.

You gave many great tips because femininity, being positive/appreciative, loving yourself, and accepting life as it is, are all things that make you naturally seductive and more attractive to men.

Reply May 22, 2015, 6:34 am

Eric Charles

Does this mean that if a woman doesn’t have a relationship like you describe that her life is lacking? That she’s Incomplete? That she’s unable to be fully happy?

I agree with the rest of your comment. I don’t agree that having a certain kind of love relationship with someone else is “better”, makes someone more “complete” or makes you “happier”.

Rather, it’s just a different flavor of life.

True joy is independent of situation and circumstance. That’s not to say that we don’t all have preference (and there’s nothing wrong with having preference).

Based on your experience, conditioning, beliefs, personal history, etc. you prefer being in a certain kind of love relationship. That’s great. And I believe it’s important to present it that way and not imply that it is the only path in life and love, and that other paths are incomplete, worse or lacking happiness.

Reply May 22, 2015, 4:57 pm

Eric Charles

We’re not talking about children here… that’s a different subject entirely.

In terms of adults, sure, loving connection is an essential part of an adult’s life… but that doesn’t mean that you need one specific kind of love from one specific person. Love comes in many forms from many sources.

Reply May 22, 2015, 8:14 pm

Maria

Thanks so much Eric for this. Commenting on Rosy’s post. Femininity is all about being soft and alluring even when disagreeing, arguing or fighting i.e communicating in a feminine manner. Don’t get Eric wrong and call truths nonsense. Just learn the facts instead of opposing ancient truths.
Your advice is special and I appreciate this so much. I would like to email this to a friend pliz help me out. Thanks once again. God bless your work

Reply May 22, 2015, 5:33 am

Eric Charles

Thank you Maria.

Reply May 22, 2015, 4:42 pm

Eric Charles

What? No…

To be masculine, and masculine energy, is simply being a consciousness that can stand outside of life and make observations. That’s it — that definition says nothing about being domineering… and the fact that you draw an equals-sign between masculine and domineering shows that you have a completely different definition of masculine than I do.

In your defense, though, I didn’t explicitly define what I meant by “masculine” or “masculine energy” in this article, so I can’t really be surprised when some projects some wacky and emotionally-loaded definition into the conversation.

Reply June 24, 2015, 9:17 pm

Bluesky

Hi Eric, I love your bluntness and that’s why I follow you. This article is well thought and I can’t wait for the part two. Continue to be real. Cheers!

Reply May 22, 2015, 1:51 am

Eric Charles

You’re welcome, thanks for the comment.

Reply May 22, 2015, 4:41 pm

Ranae

Valuable information in this article! Thanks!

Reply May 22, 2015, 1:30 am

Eric Charles

You’re welcome.

Reply May 22, 2015, 4:37 pm

Kathy

I really loved your article but I have somewhat of a different senerio. I am 64 and have been with the same man for two years. He has been through two horrible divorces and up to this point will not kiss hug or even hold my hand. He constantly compares me to them saying you’re just like they were… Actually I’m not . I never get mad and I am constantly positive. He had told me he does not want a relationship and I accept this cause of his hurt he has experienced. He emails me about 20 times a day to talk and ask if I need help… He is always there for me and supports me 100%. Then all of a sudden he turns around and says that I am using him and that he will not help me anymore. Then he does not get in touch with me for a week and then when the weekend comes always wants me to come over to sit and talk. He talks and slways brings up the same topic that I forget what he tells me and that he feels used. Sometimes I don’t know how to react to him and then he gets mad cause I don’t talk. I bought him Christmas presents which he would not take cause he said it was a form of manipulation. I will send him a text when I remember to wish him a good day. When he does not contact me I don’t contact him either and then when he does reach me he says he is done with me cause I don’t care and he says good bye. I respond by saying that’s fine and I also say good bye. Then he gets very upset that I would say such a thing to him. The next morning he is as sweet as ever and the cycle starts all over again. I really don’t know what to think of this man… Any suggestions. I would appreciate it if you emailed me back without putting this note to you anywhere else in print on the Internet. Thank you so much for all your constant help and support

Reply May 22, 2015, 1:16 am

LP

This man’s behavior towards you sounds like various types of emotional abuse, to me. Not loving at all. If you can find a way to extract yourself from this situation that would be best for your psyche and peace of mind. There is a great book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship that goes over and identifies the dynamics of verbal and emotional abuse. All the best to you! You deserve better! You deserve love!

Reply May 22, 2015, 2:04 am

Jeannie

Kathy, don’t give up on this man if you love him. You can see that he’s been very hurt in his past. He’s terribly gun shy now. He clearly loves you and wants to be with you but his issues with his fear of losing you because he’s afraid you’re just like the women who have hurt him are making his behavior very hard to deal with.

You are going to have to sit him down and tell him that you are not the women he has known before you and you never will be. You’ve learned your own lessons about life and that just isn’t behavior you will ever choose to do.

Tell him that he can’t see YOU clearly until he starts actually looking at you and what you do and stops seeing you through a cloud of all the pain caused by the women that he was with before who hurt him.

It will then have to be his choice whether or not to work together to overcome his issues. He’s going to need patience and love.

It’s your own choice whether or not you believe he is worth the work you will do together as a team to end this behavior he is putting you through.

I wish you the very best and if it helps, I went through something very similar myself and I will be celebrating 18 years of extremely happy marriage with the man who had those issues at the end of this month. It can work out. I promise. 🙂

Reply May 22, 2015, 4:23 pm

Ace

I had no problems seducing men. In fact I shown interest and they came to me. Hell one I seduced dropped a girl he was with to be with me. Ironically I never acted feminine I was more guy like. I could even be called a mistress. I mean I let them know I was interested and they wanted me. So now you got me scratching my head why was I able to do it when according to you I shouldn’t have been able to. I have a girl now so it doesn’t matter if guys want me or not but it still leaves me confused am I really human or what? I mean what ever my allure I could make friends I wasn’t in get crushes on me. I could get the guy I wanted and girls too.

Reply May 22, 2015, 1:12 am

Eric Charles

One thing I wish I did in writing this article was define exactly what I meant when I said “feminine”…

My definition of being feminine (or having feminine energy) is super simple: To be feminine is to be receptive.

I’m not saying you need to act like Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn or whatever else you think looks like being feminine…

I wrote the follow-up a little while after you left this comment, and maybe that spoke more to what led to your seduction success… who knows… I honestly can’t ascertain what did or didn’t happen from one paragraph of why you’re confused about how you were able to seduce the guys… who knows?

Reply June 24, 2015, 9:04 pm

Eric Charles

Granted, you left this comment long before I came around to respond with my definition of feminine energy (which is simply to be receptive to the other person and their energy)… From that standpoint, being raunchy and dirty and joking around IS receiving energy and therefore IS feminine… it’s a lot more feminine than you shaming and moralizing the guys for being dirty/bad/etc.

Men want to feel received… a man’s experience of the world is usually to not feel received but rather feel unappreciated, criticized and diminished.

Reply June 24, 2015, 9:07 pm

Nessie

Brilliant stuff; this article really rounds up what you’ve written so far!!! Looking forward to part 2!

Reply May 21, 2015, 7:56 pm

Eric Charles

Thank you. I’m excited to get it up for you soon.

Reply May 22, 2015, 4:33 pm

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