There’s a guy who I’m really interested in, but there are all sorts of women throwing themselves at him and I need to stand out from the crowd.
I am not unattractive, but I don’t feel like I’m necessarily the hottest woman in the room either… I think I can look good if I really put in the effort. I don’t have trouble with guys in general, but I really want this particular guy and since there’s competition, I really want to know how to seduce a man and how to hook a man’s interest. Can you tell me what works best?
Take This Quiz: How Sexy Are You?
OK, I’m going to give you a road map on how to seduce a guy, but I’m going to need to break it into a few sections and I’m going to have to provide a disclaimer before we begin.
The Complete Guide To Seduce A Man
First off, I want to make it clear that my one and only goal in this answer is to show you how to seduce a man in a way that’s actually going to work in the real world. In order to do that quickly, I need to be blunt at times and I can’t be worried about whether or not I’m being politically correct or violating someone’s taboos…
Just know that my goal here is to help you get the results you want… let’s get started.
Your success in seduction is almost entirely dependent on your mindset…
I promise you, I am going to give you the play-by-play, do-this-not-that guide of what to do, but it will be entirely useless if your mindset is wrong.
Have you ever been around someone who was trying really hard to be funny… and everything they said and did reeked of a needy, desperate energy?
On the other hand, I’m sure you’ve been around people who don’t care whether or not they’re funny, but their way of being is just naturally funny… so you end up finding them hilarious without any effort on their part.
Seduction is similar… if you are desperate for it to work, you will embarrass yourself horribly trying to “act like” a seductress. If you understand how a seductress thinks, views the world, and what her overall philosophy is, then you will probably automatically seduce people through your mindset alone…combined with the right moves, you’ll be an unstoppable force of nature.
Why do you want to seduce this man (or seduce men in general)?
To begin, we need to establish what our goal is here. Is your goal to casually hookup with him? Is your goal to make him fall in love with you? Is your goal to get him to chase and pursue you? Is your goal for him to want an exclusive relationship with you? Is your goal to get out of the friend zone with a guy?
The fact that you want to seduce him as a means of getting what you want is fine (who doesn’t like to be seduced?), but it’s important for you to be clear about why … reason being, one of the biggest obstacles to a successful seduction is trying to seduce someone so you can feel better about yourself.
For example, maybe you want to seduce a guy into your bed, but the underlying reason is because you don’t really feel attractive, and you think that successfully seducing him will prove that you are.
Or maybe you want to get a particular guy to chase you to prove to yourself that you’re worthy of pursuit (because you don’t believe you are). And on and on… point is, if your goal in seducing a guy is to feel better about yourself, you’re going to be at a considerable disadvantage.
Why? Because you won’t be able to be carefree in the seduction… every step will feel like your entire sense of self-worth is on the line, struggling to survive. There’s just no way you’ll be able to effectively seduce a man under that kind of pressure… which brings me to the first major requirement of successfully seducing a guy:
You don’t care how things turn out… (aka The Art of Not Caring)
One of the most important pieces in the seduction puzzle is that you are having fun every step of the way and you don’t really care how things turn out.
This is a radical departure from the typical behavior of many women, which is to fixate on one particular guy, obsess over him, and dream up some fantasy future (and then bounce between optimistically hoping it will work out and fearfully worrying that your fantasy won’t come true).
If you want to successfully seduce a man, you have to realize that behaving like that is going to completely destroy your ability to do so. Before you begin, you have to fully accept that you’re going to have fun and not stress over anything that happens.
You won’t dream up some fantasy future that you want to come true. You won’t obsess over what the guy is or isn’t doing. You won’t analyze his behavior. You’ll have no deluded beliefs that being with him will somehow make you happier, make you more complete, or make your life any better than it is right now.
You’ll just have fun in the moment and enjoy your interactions with him… and outside of the moments you’re with him, you won’t really be thinking about him at all.
If this sounds radically different than how you typically feel and act with men, then that’s great news. You now have the opportunity to get rid of a bunch of unhelpful, painful and ineffective habits and replace them with one simple new habit: being OK.
A seductress knows she’s OK in life… she’s not seeking well-being through how others respond to her (aka The Art of Being OK)
What do I mean by “being OK”? I mean that you realize that you’re OK right now… there’s no problem. You’re OK with everything… everything that’s happened in your life, everything that is happening right now. You’re OK with the way things are in your life. You’re OK… there’s no drama, no unresolved issues, no victim story, etc. You’re simply OK and that’s how you are… even when things don’t go as planned, even when something upsetting happens, even when everything falls apart… you’re always OK.
I’m not saying you become a robot devoid of emotions. What I’m saying is that you’re always in touch with your internal sense of OK-ness… you can be sad at a given moment and still know that you’re completely 100% OK. You can be angry and still know that you’re 100% OK.
When you can live like this, you’ll find that any bad mood or emotion flows through you rather quickly. Instead of sinking down deeper and deeper into a negative emotion and feeding into the mental drama, you will simply shift your attention to remembering that you’re OK, and in the grand scheme of things, there really is no problem.
The bottom line is this: Most people (men and women) spend their lives believing they have a problem (or multiple problems), then spend all their time and attention mindlessly chasing after solutions to their mind-created problems. They become completely self-absorbed and unable to be present to enjoy their moment-to-moment existence. Every moment of their life becomes a “means to an end,” in pursuit of the next solution to a problem.
That mental state is the opposite of seductive. In order to seduce, you must be OK, happy, and at peace with your life… this way, you have your attention available to guide the seduction forward. Moreover, your mood is stress-free, which is a very attractive energy in men and women…
Which brings me to the ultimate way to be stress-free throughout a seduction…
Have options (aka The Art of Not Putting All Your Eggs in One Basket)
If you fixate on one guy, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of stress. On the other hand, if you have several desirable options, then you’ll find it quite natural to feel OK no matter what ends up happening with any one particular guy.
This applies only if you haven’t agreed to be in an exclusive relationship. If you both explicitly decide that you’re going to be exclusive, that’s different. Until then, it is in your best interest to keep your options wide open and actively date around.
This serves a few important purposes:
- It prevents you from stressing or obsessing over any one particular guy.
- It reminds you that you have options and don’t have to stay with a guy that isn’t living up to what you want.
- He will know that if he wants you to be exclusive to him, he needs to explicitly lock you down in a clearly defined, exclusive relationship (and he’ll know without you ever having to say anything).
- If you’re looking to be in a relationship, you won’t be at the mercy of someone else to “come around.” Instead, you’ll be in a position to choose and it’s only a matter of time before one of your desirable options decides he wants you all to himself and explicitly asks you to be exclusive with him.
- It levels the playing field … frankly, if he’s desirable to you, he’s desirable to others and he has options … and he, like anyone, is going to choose whichever option he likes the best.
Which brings me to an important consideration you need to keep in mind…
How hot are you, how hot is he?
Frankly, this is going to be a long article and at times I just have to be blunt…
The more desirable options a guy has, the more seduction is necessary in order to stand out from the crowd.
I mean, let’s face it… the more options you have, the more picky you’re going to be, the less you’re going to put up with, etc. And if you don’t have options, you’re going to be much more likely to settle for less than you want and put up with more crap.
So the more in-demand a guy is, the hotter you’re going to need to be in all the places it matters.
You need to be the right version of hotness
Now I need to make another blunt, non-PC statement here: There are two forms of “hotness”… there’s the stuff that women are told is hot and there’s the stuff that is actually hot to men…
I have to tell you, I researched a bit before writing this article… and 9 out of 10 of the articles that came up on this topic were horribly bad. I mean, laughably, embarrassingly bad. Most of the stuff they recommended would at best make a guy feel bad for you, and at worst make a guy burst into laughter at your weird behavior.
To confuse matters worse, there are lots of magazines and women-oriented TV shows and movies that are telling you what’s “hot,” but what they’re telling you is hot actually does nothing for a man sexually or seductively… it sells products and gets you to behave the way that marketers want … but it won’t make you a successful seducer.
In fact, if you’ve been looking to the media for information on how to be seductive, it’s safe to assume that you’ve been misled in many ways … so hopefully we can deprogram you from some of the crap that will destroy your chances at being seductive…
Be the hottest version of yourself
Again, bluntness time: This means you have a great diet and work hard to be in great shape. I’ve talked about what guys really think of skinny girls, so we don’t need to go into that here… but the bottom line is that being really fit and healthy is sexy…
Having sexy hair and make-up is also essential to being a great seductress. Again, ignore women’s magazines, TV shows, and pop culture—those sources will just tell you what marketers want you to buy.
Instead, if you really want to know what men find hot… look at men’s magazines.
Really let this sink in because it’s so obvious that a lot of women miss it: If you want to know what men find hot, look at what men are looking at… not at what women are looking at.
They call that the elusive obvious…
And once you see, clear as day, what men find hot… copy those elements.
Now granted, if you decide to make your appearance what men find hot, it’s likely that some women will be jealous of you … so I suppose now is a good time to tell you a truth about seduction: If you’re really, really effective at seducing men, other women will hate you for it. Not all women, but definitely the insecure ones. Haters gonna hate.
The most important part of looking hot… is feeling that you’re hot.
Here’s the deal… some people are just genetically luckier than others. It’s not fair, it sucks… but it is what it is.
So now that that’s out of the way, instead of whining about the unfairness of life, embrace this idea wholeheartedly: Seduction is not about becoming someone you’re not. Seduction is about highlighting your most seductive qualities.
Don’t compete against other women… be the hottest version of yourself… strive for the hottest version of your body, the hottest version of your hair, the hottest version of your makeup. Be excited about improving yourself and learning ways to be better.
Looking hot is important, but it’s not enough. You need to have an appealing “vibe.”
Men are visual, and the appearance stuff does matter, but how you feel inside will have a tremendous impact on your attractiveness as well.
You’ll hear people talk about how everyone has a “vibe” to them… some people have a sexy vibe… some have a fun vibe… some have a creepy vibe… and on and on.
Well what determines your vibe? Your mood.
If you want to have the sexiest vibe possible, then you need to let go of all the mental drama that clouds your mood. This is why I was making such a big point about connecting to your sense of being OK with your life.
The #1 reason why most people aren’t good at seduction…
Most people don’t have an attractive vibe because they’re constantly in their head, fighting some battle or striving to solve some problem. This kills their mood and flushes a good vibe down the toilet.
Worrying about your attractiveness falls into this category. Worrying about anything is going to kill your mood, whether it’s your attractiveness, what people think of you, or anything else. It’s going to take you out of the moment and kill your vibe.
So instead of beating yourself up, just let it all go.
Granted, I think some magazines and well-meaning publications go too far in the other direction when they want to pump up your self-esteem. They will tell you to “fake it till you make it” and to do something ridiculous like believe you’re the hottest woman in the world.
The fact is, sexy confidence isn’t about trying to jackhammer your mind with the idea you’re the hottest woman in the world. Sexy confidence is more about the absence of self-destructive negative thinking (and the behavior that the negative thinking creates).
So instead of thinking of confidence as something you need to have or do, just think of it as giving up on worrying about your attractiveness. Think of it as giving up on negative thinking. Think of it as giving up on negative emotions and negative moods. Think of it as giving up on having enemies, grievances, and complaints.
Just be OK, focus on your self-improvement, and assume that men want you. Don’t put too much stock into any one man’s response to you. Do you see how all these ideas build on one another?
Stop worrying whether or not you’re enough, or have enough, and start enjoying your life as it’s happening. As my friend Adam Gilad likes to say, “Female happiness is an aphrodisiac to men.”
You can choose to indulge in negativity or you can choose to be seductive… but you can’t choose both.
The bottom line here is that looking hot is great, but it’s your vibe that will take you from simply looking hot to being irresistible to men. And your mood determines your vibe, so live in a way where you engage with every moment in a positive way that feels good, and just stop feeding into negativity of any kind ever again.
Well, actually, I’ll give you a choice… if you want to repel men and women and make yourself unattractive, then, by all means, feed into negativity (complaining, fighting, arguing, criticizing, worrying, ridiculing, bullying, condescending, putting others down, etc.).
If you want to be incredibly attractive to men and women alike, then eliminate negativity in your life. This doesn’t mean you become some sort of grinning idiot trying to force yourself into happiness … you’ll find that recognizing all negativity as unattractive poison and letting it go is enough to massively improve your vibe.
If you are someone who regularly feeds into some form of negativity, you’ll be amazed at how much more attractive other people find you once you completely give up on negativity.
Men move towards what feels good.
Now we’re getting close to giving you directions on what you’ll be doing to seduce the man (or men) you want. Here’s a key understanding about men: Men move towards what feels good in the moment and away from what feels bad in the moment.
I’ve received countless emails from women asking me why a guy is pulling away or why a guy isn’t interested in dating them. I’ve even had women go so far as to say that men don’t want to be in a relationship.
The truth is, there are tons of men who want to be in the typical monogamous, exclusive relationship with one woman they love and adore. However, they don’t pursue it as some sort of goal.
Instead, men simply judge a relationship on one thing: Does it feel good when I’m with her? Does it feel good having her in my life?
If it does, he’ll keep coming back for more, and the relationship will likely deepen.
However, what often happens is that the relationship starts out with the woman being carefree and simply enjoying the moment … but after a little while, her head overflows with some fantasy future of “what could be,” quickly followed by a fear that it might not come true … shortly followed by her measuring the guy up to see whether or not her fears of losing the relationship will come about.
In other words, she goes from being OK and having fun to worrying and indulging in negative thinking about the relationship (which is really just some image in her head). She goes from being in the relationship to being caught up in her head… which kills her vibe, which kills the attraction for the guy…
Now, instead of it feeling good for the guy, he feels an aura of stress and negativity emanating from the woman. It stops feeling good—he may not consciously know why, but he certainly feels that the attraction is gone.
The woman then senses that the man is losing attraction, which causes her more anxiety, which further destroys her vibe and… well… that’s usually where the guy exits.
It’s silly, because there would be no problem in the first place if the woman simply realized that her vibe determines her attractiveness to the guy, and her mood determines her vibe, and that by simply not indulging in negative thinking, she could avoid creating the problem altogether.
This is a point where some readers might get upset because they think that I’m “blaming” the woman for making a man leave. Quite the opposite is true, actually. I’m showing you that you have control and you don’t have to be at the mercy of a guy’s feelings about you, since now you know something that 99% of women don’t know: Your mood determines your vibe and your vibe determines your attractiveness. When you can see that, you are in control.
As the seductress, you are in control…
Specifically, you are in control of your mood. You are in control of your emotions. You take responsibility for how you engage with life and you see yourself as the agent of action, not the victim of circumstance.
This is a matter of perspective. Most people in our society, sadly, see themselves as victims. If you want to be successful at seducing a man, you cannot view yourself as a victim.
This means that you are not seeking things from him… or needing things from him… or craving things from him.
Instead, you are the architect of your world and you move through it enticing people to give you what you want. You don’t beg. You give people an opportunity to step up and be a part of your world … and if they step up and you enjoy them, you give them more of your attention … if they don’t, then they lose your attention entirely, without drama or negativity of any kind.
This is only possible if you have completely given up on feeding into negativity of any kind. If you have a habit of emotionally reacting to things that other people are doing and saying, you’ll always be at the mercy of others.
Most people are blinded by their own emotions and reactions. They focus on how much they want the other person instead of on creating desire in the other person.
The seductress is outward focused because she’s internally happy and at peace. She creates desire in others, both through her vibe and through seductive action.
The Art of Seduction: Make Him Feel Like “The Man.”
We talked about the mindset, now we’re going to talk about what kind of behavior seduces a man. I cannot stress this enough: The mindset is required for all this to work, so I highly encourage you to read and reread those sections until it becomes your normal, habitual way of being.
As I said before, men are going to measure their experience with you based entirely on how it feels when they’re with you.
If it feels good, he’ll come back for more. If it feels exciting, sexy and fun… he’ll become addicted to you. You will be seducing him.
If you want to be great at seducing men, then it’s important that you actually truly like, love and enjoy men in general.
I realize that it’s not politically correct to say in this day and age, but quite frankly, men are attracted to feminine women.
Generally speaking, women aren’t attracted to men that act like women, so why would we expect men to be attracted to women who act like men?
I’m strictly speaking in terms of what men are attracted to—this is not a political statement or an assertion on how women should act. I’m simply pointing out what men are attracted to.
So if you want to be great at seducing men, embrace your femininity. Don’t be afraid to be girly.
Bring your feminine essence to your interactions.
Don’t compete with him, don’t challenge him, don’t emasculate him.
Instead, be soft and receive him. When a woman feels like a woman, her presence makes the man feel like the man. In this way, his experience of life feels like more than it would feel like if he were on his own. Her presence brings an added dimension to his life.
This only happens if you’re bringing feminine energy to the relationship, though. If you’re not, he won’t be able to describe it, but he’ll feel like something essential is missing from the relationship with you (and it’s highly likely he will continue to seek out this dimension until he finds a woman who does bring feminine energy to the relationship).
There seems to be a huge media push over the last 25 years to cast women as tough, masculine and combative. Nobody wants to call it out because if you do, you’ll be accused of being anti-women, of being a chauvinist, or of trying to hold women back from obtaining equal rights.
Frankly, that’s just crap. I know plenty of women who are extremely feminine, but also have career success, a great education, and the respect of their peers.
Reject the media’s push for women to be difficult, angry, anti-male and confrontational … nobody, man or woman, wants to “deal with” someone’s confrontational attitude. It doesn’t come across as strength or confidence … it just comes across as repulsive bitterness.
Being feminine doesn’t mean you’re weak or dumb or selling out women. There is tremendous strength in fully embracing your femininity—it is highly attractive and therefore, highly influential. There’s tremendous intelligence in embracing your femininity, too—what could be more intelligent than embracing an energy that gets you the results you want? And you’re not selling out women—you’re just being effective.
My only guess as to why there’s such a big push for women to act masculine is… well… because unhappy women make excellent customers. Advertisers don’t want you to be happy, they want you to be a great customer (and the media is entirely funded by advertisers). Happy, fulfilled people don’t make great customers.
If you want to be a great seductress, then you need to know what to ignore and what to embrace. Embrace what gets you results. Ignore what doesn’t (and especially ignore anything designed to upset, worry or anger you).
It’s a shame that I even need to tiptoe around the idea that a woman being feminine is good—somehow it has become a taboo subject in the US.
Receive him… and he’ll find you irresistible.
When you’re with him, be positive and happy. Complaining and fighting is not an energy men want to be around. The same goes for cattiness, arrogance and bashing other women—let go of all those behaviors … they are poison to a seductress.
Receive him. Be curious: Be intensely interested in his ideas, his goals, his dreams, his viewpoints and his “mission.” Enjoy his jokes and his way of being.
Contrary to what most people believe, men are actually starved for appreciation, acceptance, and admiration. The truth is, men are generally treated as society’s punching bag—men are expected to absorb negativity from all angles without complaint… whether it’s from his nagging girlfriend, his unappreciative boss, his undependable friends, media portrayals of men, etc.
It’s terrifying and sad, but women today are taught that men are attracted to women who are difficult and challenging… but this simply doesn’t work…
The seductress knows that the most irresistible energy to a man is a woman who entirely appreciates, accepts and enjoys him without needing anything from him. That is incredibly seductive to a man… that is the woman a man wants to have in his life, all to himself.
Wait… Why am I doing all this stuff and he’s doing nothing?
Whenever I write a post about what’s effective in a relationship, it’s only a matter of time before someone will comment, “Why does the woman have to do all this stuff just to get a man? A real man should step up, blah blah blah…”
Here’s the deal: I’m telling you how to be effective at seducing a man.
Nobody is forcing you to seduce a man. Nobody is forcing you to be in a relationship. Nobody is forcing you to do anything with a guy…
But… if you’re interested in being in a relationship, doesn’t it make sense to know what works?
You are in control here… so choose the guy you want.
You are in control … so if he’s not measuring up, choose to let him disappear from your attention entirely.
You are in control … so if you’re not getting what you want, choose to move on and get what you do want.
So I don’t want to hear any complaining that I’m “telling women that the burden is on them.” I’m giving you power, clarity, and choice by telling you what works. Celebrate this, don’t complain.
Now since you’re in control of the seduction, one of the requirements is…
He’s actively engaged when you’re with him.
As a seductress, you are nobody’s “dancing monkey.” You are not jumping through hoops to impress a guy.
When you’re with him (or in communication with him), you’re creating desire. But when you’re not available, don’t worry about him fluttering away… so long as you’re creating interest, you can be confident that his desire for you will grow more and more even when you’re not around. So don’t be afraid of ignoring him if you’re not available (at the same time, there’s no reason to pretend to be unavailable because some silly book told you to wait three days before calling or texting him or something ridiculous like that)…
Instead, you are giving people the opportunity to participate in a seduction. This means that if they want to keep getting your attention, they need to be actively engaged in the process.
This means you need to create the space necessary for him to reach for more of you.
For example, don’t outright tell a guy that you think he’s hot stuff… instead, create desire within him and allow him the space to reach for more of you. (I’m going to give you specific actions to create desire soon.)
When a woman is desperate to get a guy, she ends up doing all sorts of stuff to win him over. She obsesses over him, she chases him and she worries that she’ll “screw up her chances with him.”
The seductress doesn’t really care what happens. She has fun in the moments she spends with the guy… and if it stops being fun, she leaves.
When a man is in the presence of a seductress, he knows his participation is required. She’s not desperate to have him—she’s there because she’s enjoying herself in the time she’s spending with him, but that doesn’t mean he “has her” and can just slack off.
You are not making him chase you.
Now at the same time, this doesn’t mean that you’re some kind of cold, detached puppetmaster who’s making him chase you.
Contrary to popular opinion, men do not “love the chase” (as I wrote about before). Just because you won’t stick around when a guy isn’t putting in the effort doesn’t mean that you’re making him chase you or making him constantly do stuff to entertain you.
The idea of making him chase you is largely based on the idea of dangling some bait and then withholding the bait so he chases you to get the bait.
There are a few flaws in the “chasing” model…
First off, presenting something to a guy and then withholding it puts the attention on what you’re withholding… instead of on you. A seductress stirs up desire, interest and pleasure… she is not withholding, but she doesn’t need anything from him either or care what happens with him.
Second, it’s a very short-sighted strategy. It might appear effective from a limited perspective, but I’m sure that dumping water out of the sinking Titanic might have looked effective too from a very limited perspective.
What are you going to do? Withhold things from him forever? And why would a man with a lot of choices waste his time chasing the possibility of good feelings with you, when he can have the reality of good feelings with another woman?
Third, withholding stuff from a guy is a lot of work and not much fun… aside from it being a shortsighted strategy and taking the focus off of you, why take that route when you can have fun and enjoy your time with the guy?
You simply enjoy your time with him, you don’t need anything from him in order to feel OK and you enjoy creating desire, interest, and pleasure within him.
When you feel awesome to be around, he won’t be able to get enough of you. And since you won’t be screwing up a perfectly good seduction by acting needy, you’ll probably be unlike any woman he’s ever met. No withholding necessary.
OK, so now let’s talk about how to turn a guy on…
How To Turn A Guy On With Specific Actions…
So look… this article is probably the longest article I’ve written so far. I have extensive notes on the action portion of how to seduce a man, but I’m going to split this article into two parts for the sake of getting it out right away and so this article isn’t any longer than it already is.
If you have questions or want clarification about something I said here so far, please leave me a comment. I look forward to your feedback.
UPDATE: Part 2 is up, continue reading to Part 2: How To Turn A Man On
Hope it helps,