Let’s talk about men going hot and cold.
Is there anything more unsettling and frustrating? You’re seeing a guy, everything seems to be going great, he seems super into you … and then he’s not. Something suddenly shifts. You try not to worry too much, but you can’t help but wonder what you may have done. But then he’s back like nothing ever happened. And just when you’re getting comfortable, he disappears again. Or he shuts down. Or he withdraws.
You have no idea where he stands. Is he into you or not? Some days it seems like he definitely is, other days he acts like you’re some sort of nuisance. Some days he’s warm, affectionate and sweet, other days he shuts you out in the cold and leaves you shivering from his icy behavior.
You may try to talk to him about it, but that effectively gets you nowhere. He either acts like he has no idea what you’re talking about or gives you some vague excuse.
So let’s dive in and look at the real reasons some men run hot and cold.
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
But He Was So Into Me At First, Why Did He Switch?
Most men don’t go hot and cold intentionally. It’s not a game or a grand manipulation. Only a highly insecure guy would resort to those sorts of tactics and that’s not someone you really want to be involved with.
Most of the time, hot and cold behavior manifests from unconscious feelings. This is why a guy may have a hard time giving you a straight answer when you ask him why he’s acting this way … it’s because he doesn’t really know!
Here is what usually happens in these hot and cold situations. It’s usually not a case of him being hot and cold at all! Let me explain.
In the beginning, he starts off red hot. Men are competitive by nature and when he meets a girl he likes, his innate drives kick in and he pursues her. He brings his A-game and really steps up to win her over. He’s sweet, he’s attentive, he texts constantly, he is just so present and so there. Then things get a little more settled and it appears like his interest is waning.
He isn’t texting as much, other things have replaced you on the priority list. You wonder why he’s suddenly being so cold. What changed? The only thing you can think of is that he’s losing interest. And if you really like this guy, this will send you into a panic. You will go into overdrive trying to rectify the situation before it’s too late and he’s gone forever. Sadly, your attempts to fix things will actually end up creating a problem when there wasn’t one.
Most likely, he wasn’t losing interest in you, he was just settling into a more comfortable and natural daily routine. Texting someone all day and showering them with affection isn’t a natural routine. People have work and school and other obligations. In the beginning, he does it because he really wants to win you over. Once he’s “won” you, then he can be more himself. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, it just means he’s more comfortable with you now and that’s a good thing!
That is essentially the switch women feel. The one that appears like he’s gone from hot to cold. It’s the transition from him pursuing you to settling in and just being with you.
But that’s not the only explanation…
Here Is The Real Deal On Why Men Run Hot and Cold
Here are some of the most common reasons behind a man’s hot and cold behavior.
1. Something outside of the relationship is bothering him.
Sometimes he has stuff going on in his life that’s taking his attention away from the relationship. This is usually the number one reason a man will pull away or withdraw from a relationship. Men deal with stress and difficulties differently than most women. Men typically prefer to retreat and work things out internally rather than talking about it and seeking others out for comfort.
The best thing you can do is just do nothing. Give him the space he needs and just focus on your own life. Men are not in a headspace to be compassionate and loving when they are stressed and off balance and it will be very hard for you not to take his behavior personally. Try to remember that it has nothing to do with you and once he gets a handle on whatever the issues is he’ll that sweet and loving guy again. But only if you respect his need for space! This is a huge mistake most women make.
The more you squeeze him, the more pressure he’ll feel and he’ll really start to pull away and lose interest in you.
2. He wants to slow things down.
Like I mentioned earlier, a man will often go full force in the beginning because he’s trying to win you over. Once he’s won you over, he’ll pull back a little to slow things down. He can’t keep up the momentum that he started off with because then the relationship would move at lightning speed and that’s not a healthy pace for a relationship.
So he settles into a more comfortable routine, and that often means he is slightly less engaged in the relationship. It may look like he’s losing interest, but he’s really just trying to get to know you on a real level. The beginning of a relationship isn’t real. It’s all potential and chemistry and flirty banter. The real part comes a little later and that’s what lays the foundation for having a healthy, lasting relationship.
3. He just doesn’t like you enough.
This one stings. No one wants this to be the truth. It’s our worst-case scenario and unfortunately, sometimes it’s just the reality.
He just doesn’t know how he feels about you. At the root of his hot and cold behavior is a whopping dose of uncertainty. He thinks you’re attractive, he enjoys your company, he thinks you’re a wonderful person, but something just isn’t fully clicking for him. There are days when he thinks, “Wow, she’s really cool! Maybe she is something I can settle down with…”
But other days he just isn’t sure. He’s not sure if he likes certain aspects of your personality. He’s not sure your values align. He’s attracted to you, but he’s not sure if he’s that attracted to you. He likes the idea of you, he just doesn’t know if he likes you.
The switch you feel in this scenario is really just him testing the waters to see if he wants to dive in. And if he’s become much more cold than hot, it means he probably decided that you just aren’t the right girl for him.
What Should You Do When a Guy is Running Hot and Cold?
Your guy has been playing the hot and cold game. You’re afraid of losing him and don’t know what to do next.
First things first, take an honest look at the relationship and try to figure out the reason for his behavior. It will most likely be due to one of the three reasons listed above.
No matter what the reason, the worst possible thing to do is chase after him. This instinct is activated by fear and will come across as desperate and needy. It makes sense that you’re hurt and confused by his sudden cold shift. But reacting this way will just make him want to run farther and faster, so don’t do it.
Another mistake is to retaliate and act cold toward him. This just won’t get you anywhere and will only widen the gap between you and him making it even harder to bridge.
If he is in the midst of the busy season at work, or just got a huge project dumped on him, then he’s dealing with external stress and his behavior most likely has nothing to do with you (unless you start badgering him to tell you what’s going on and why he’s acting this way).
If everything seems fine, except he’s just not as actively engaged as he was in the beginning, then do not panic. It just means he’s easing into a more normal and natural routine, and that’s a good thing! Just go with it.
Don’t let your insecurities flare up and make you paranoid that he’s losing interest and is going to leave you. These fears will cause a problem when there wasn’t one to begin with. In this case, stop focusing on the relationship so much and instead focus on yourself and on enjoying your life and bring that positive energy into the relationship.
If he’s not that into you … well, it’s better to know now. You won’t be able to change his mind. If he’s just not feeling it, then you can’t convince him otherwise. When a guy likes you, it’s obvious. If it isn’t obvious to you … if you have to ask and question and analyze … if you’re always making excuses or always trying to find evidence of how he feels .. then you already know how he feels, you just don’t want to admit it.
In this case, the best thing you can do is move on. There is no point in degrading yourself trying to win him over and get him to like you. Just accept that not everyone is a match and that’s OK. It doesn’t make you bad or flawed or unworthy or love. It just means you and him weren’t the right fit. Instead of seeing this as a loss, see it as a win. You’re now free to find someone who is better suited for you!
I hope this article helped you better understand why men can run hot and cold. Before you decide what to do next, you need to know about the two defining moments in a relationship that will determine if it lasts or if you get your heart broken. If the guy you’re seeing seems to be losing interest, pulling away, or acting cold toward you, then you need to read this article right now to find out exactly what to do: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...
The next thing most women are unaware of is what actually inspires a man to commit for life. What makes a woman girlfriend/wife potential? Do you know the answer? If not, you need to read this article right now: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
These Are the Real Reasons Men Run Hot and Cold:
- Something outside of the relationship is taking his attention.
- He’s settling into a more normal routine and doesn’t feel the need to pursue you as aggressively.
- He doesn’t like you enough or is unsure of how he feels about you.