The Hot and Cold Guy: Why Is He Hot and Cold (And What to Do About It) post image

The Hot and Cold Guy: Why Is He Hot and Cold (And What to Do About It)

Let’s talk about men going hot and cold.

Is there anything more unsettling and frustrating? You’re seeing a guy, everything seems to be going great, he seems super into you … and then he’s not. Something suddenly shifts. You try not to worry too much, but you can’t help but wonder what you may have done. But then he’s back like nothing ever happened. And just when you’re getting comfortable, he disappears again. Or he shuts down. Or he withdraws.

You have no idea where he stands. Is he into you or not? Some days it seems like he definitely is, other days he acts like you’re some sort of nuisance. Some days he’s warm, affectionate and sweet, other days he shuts you out in the cold and leaves you shivering from his icy behavior.

MORE: The Top 3 Reasons Why Men Pull Away

You may try to talk to him about it, but that effectively gets you nowhere. He either acts like he has no idea what you’re talking about or gives you some vague excuse.

So let’s dive in and look at the real reasons some men run hot and cold.

Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?

Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you...

But He Was So Into Me At First, Why Did He Switch?

Most men don’t go hot and cold intentionally. It’s not a game or a grand manipulation. Only a highly insecure guy would resort to those sorts of tactics and that’s not someone you really want to be involved with.

Most of the time, hot and cold behavior manifests from unconscious feelings. This is why a guy may have a hard time giving you a straight answer when you ask him why he’s acting this way … it’s because he doesn’t really know!

Here is what usually happens in these hot and cold situations. It’s usually not a case of him being hot and cold at all! Let me explain.

MORE: Why Guys Withdraw Emotionally

In the beginning, he starts off red hot. Men are competitive by nature and when he meets a girl he likes, his innate drives kick in and he pursues her. He brings his A-game and really steps up to win her over. He’s sweet, he’s attentive, he texts constantly, he is just so present and so there. Then things get a little more settled and it appears like his interest is waning.

He isn’t texting as much, other things have replaced you on the priority list. You wonder why he’s suddenly being so cold. What changed? The only thing you can think of is that he’s losing interest. And if you really like this guy, this will send you into a panic. You will go into overdrive trying to rectify the situation before it’s too late and he’s gone forever. Sadly, your attempts to fix things will actually end up creating a problem when there wasn’t one.

Most likely, he wasn’t losing interest in you, he was just settling into a more comfortable and natural daily routine. Texting someone all day and showering them with affection isn’t a natural routine. People have work and school and other obligations. In the beginning, he does it because he really wants to win you over. Once he’s “won” you, then he can be more himself. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, it just means he’s more comfortable with you now and that’s a good thing!

MORE: Why Men Pull Away in the Early Stages

That is essentially the switch women feel. The one that appears like he’s gone from hot to cold. It’s the transition from him pursuing you to settling in and just being with you.

But that’s not the only explanation…

Here Is The Real Deal On Why Men Run Hot and Cold

Here are some of the most common reasons behind a man’s hot and cold behavior.

1. Something outside of the relationship is bothering him.

Sometimes he has stuff going on in his life that’s taking his attention away from the relationship. This is usually the number one reason a man will pull away or withdraw from a relationship. Men deal with stress and difficulties differently than most women. Men typically prefer to retreat and work things out internally rather than talking about it and seeking others out for comfort.

The best thing you can do is just do nothing. Give him the space he needs and just focus on your own life. Men are not in a headspace to be compassionate and loving when they are stressed and off balance and it will be very hard for you not to take his behavior personally. Try to remember that it has nothing to do with you and once he gets a handle on whatever the issues is he’ll that sweet and loving guy again. But only if you respect his need for space! This is a huge mistake most women make.

The more you squeeze him, the more pressure he’ll feel and he’ll really start to pull away and lose interest in you.

MORE: 3 Steps to Stop a Man From Withdrawing

2. He wants to slow things down.

Like I mentioned earlier, a man will often go full force in the beginning because he’s trying to win you over. Once he’s won you over, he’ll pull back a little to slow things down. He can’t keep up the momentum that he started off with because then the relationship would move at lightning speed and that’s not a healthy pace for a relationship.

So he settles into a more comfortable routine, and that often means he is slightly less engaged in the relationship. It may look like he’s losing interest, but he’s really just trying to get to know you on a real level. The beginning of a relationship isn’t real. It’s all potential and chemistry and flirty banter. The real part comes a little later and that’s what lays the foundation for having a healthy, lasting relationship.

MORE: Signs He’s Pulling Away From You (And What to Do About It)

3. He just doesn’t like you enough.

This one stings. No one wants this to be the truth. It’s our worst-case scenario and unfortunately, sometimes it’s just the reality.

He just doesn’t know how he feels about you. At the root of his hot and cold behavior is a whopping dose of uncertainty. He thinks you’re attractive, he enjoys your company, he thinks you’re a wonderful person, but something just isn’t fully clicking for him. There are days when he thinks, “Wow, she’s really cool! Maybe she is something I can settle down with…”

But other days he just isn’t sure. He’s not sure if he likes certain aspects of your personality. He’s not sure your values align. He’s attracted to you, but he’s not sure if he’s that attracted to you. He likes the idea of you, he just doesn’t know if he likes you.

The switch you feel in this scenario is really just him testing the waters to see if he wants to dive in. And if he’s become much more cold than hot, it means he probably decided that you just aren’t the right girl for him.

MORE: Why He’s Running Hot and Cold

What Should You Do When a Guy is Running Hot and Cold?

Your guy has been playing the hot and cold game. You’re afraid of losing him and don’t know what to do next.

First things first, take an honest look at the relationship and try to figure out the reason for his behavior. It will most likely be due to one of the three reasons listed above.

No matter what the reason, the worst possible thing to do is chase after him. This instinct is activated by fear and will come across as desperate and needy. It makes sense that you’re hurt and confused by his sudden cold shift. But reacting this way will just make him want to run farther and faster, so don’t do it.

MORE: What to Do When He Blows Hot and Cold

Another mistake is to retaliate and act cold toward him. This just won’t get you anywhere and will only widen the gap between you and him making it even harder to bridge.

If he is in the midst of the busy season at work, or just got a huge project dumped on him, then he’s dealing with external stress and his behavior most likely has nothing to do with you (unless you start badgering him to tell you what’s going on and why he’s acting this way).

If everything seems fine, except he’s just not as actively engaged as he was in the beginning, then do not panic. It just means he’s easing into a more normal and natural routine, and that’s a good thing! Just go with it.

Don’t let your insecurities flare up and make you paranoid that he’s losing interest and is going to leave you. These fears will cause a problem when there wasn’t one to begin with. In this case, stop focusing on the relationship so much and instead focus on yourself and on enjoying your life and bring that positive energy into the relationship.

If he’s not that into you … well, it’s better to know now. You won’t be able to change his mind. If he’s just not feeling it, then you can’t convince him otherwise. When a guy likes you, it’s obvious. If it isn’t obvious to you … if you have to ask and question and analyze … if you’re always making excuses or always trying to find evidence of how he feels .. then you already know how he feels, you just don’t want to admit it.

MORE: Hot and Cold? How to Tell if He Has Real Feelings For You

In this case, the best thing you can do is move on. There is no point in degrading yourself trying to win him over and get him to like you. Just accept that not everyone is a match and that’s OK. It doesn’t make you bad or flawed or unworthy or love. It just means you and him weren’t the right fit. Instead of seeing this as a loss, see it as a win. You’re now free to find someone who is better suited for you!

I hope this article helped you better understand why men can run hot and cold. Before you decide what to do next, you need to know about the two defining moments in a relationship that will determine if it lasts or if you get your heart broken. If the guy you’re seeing seems to be losing interest, pulling away, or acting cold toward you, then you need to read this article right now to find out exactly what to do: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...

The next thing most women are unaware of is what actually inspires a man to commit for life. What makes a woman girlfriend/wife potential? Do you know the answer? If not, you need to read this article right now: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman

These Are the Real Reasons Men Run Hot and Cold:

  • Something outside of the relationship is taking his attention.
  • He’s settling into a more normal routine and doesn’t feel the need to pursue you as aggressively.
  • He doesn’t like you enough or is unsure of how he feels about you.
hot and cold guy

Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

4 comments… add one

Leave Your Comment Now...

fawn davis

i have been seeing a guy for 3 months we have great chemistry and i sleep over at least every weekend we text daily but he never likes to talk on the phone and I am the one who always pursues sleeping over … we never go out and do antyhing … one day his texts are sweet and flirty then the next it becomes distant when I question he just says i am tripping … I finally have a manic eposide and went crazy and called too many times on one of his cold and distant days so now he has completely blocked me I feel so broken and defeated because I fell hard for this man and he just erased me with no thought

Reply November 15, 2021, 11:22 am


So i’m supposed to respect HIS space and needs, but he doesn’t have to respect my space or values or integrity? I dated a guy once, and i tried my best to give him space and respect it but he didn’t respect mine. He pressured me into sex and it was a big deal to me, and after that i didn’t hear from him in over a month. I was devestated and he made me feel like a cheap whore, it deeply impacted my feeling of self worth. When he finally contacted me again i was furious and told him to get lost. It hurt so bad that the sex didn’t mean anything to him, and he probably just texted me again that night because he saw me as a bootycall and not as a potential girlfriend.

On top of it, before we had sex he lied and said he loved me in order to get me to have sex with him. I was in love, and when you’re in love you can make really stupid decisions. Guys can shuv up their space somewhere… Don’t fall for that crap ladies!

Reply February 25, 2020, 7:31 pm


Amy, I am sorry that happened to you. However, guys can be like that and there is nothing you can do about it. The worst thing is to get upset or to lose hope. Just tell yourself it is OK, you have your needs too and he “served that purpose”. He wasn’t a relationship material and better to know that sooner than later. There aren’t many people who work on themselves and their issues these days. But, never lose hope! In my country we say, “one is gone, another one is just around the corner.”

Reply July 7, 2021, 10:03 am

Sylvia Molina

I never heard of hot cold men till the other day i met someone and he was texting then complete silence . i text he told me he runs hot and cold and his in his cold zone i said text me when your luke warn bye

Reply August 18, 2019, 7:16 pm

Leave a Comment


Sign up for our
free newsletter
and get a free chapter
of our book,"He's Not
That Complicated"