How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone With A Guy (And Have Him Chasing You) post image

How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone With A Guy (And Have Him Chasing You)

So you’ve got a guy you’re friends with and somewhere along the line you develop feelings for him. Unfortunately, he only sees you as a friend.

Tough situation. It happens to guys and it happens to girls and oftentimes, it can cause more heartbreak than an actual breakup.


Well maybe one (or all) of these scenarios apply to your situation. You get along better with him than anyone else. You “get” each other. He’s the only guy that you’ve ever felt truly understands you and with whom you can truly be yourself. He’s cute, he’s funny, and when he’s around you, he completely let’s his guard down.  You get to see him as the man he truly is – an unguarded version of himself that he hides from the world and only seems to let you see.

You trust each other.  You might even say that you love each other. And you love every little thing about him… you can talk for hours or even just be with each other in silence… and you know exactly what the other person is thinking.

So why, in the midst of this seemingly perfect situation, aren’t you any more than friends?  Or worse, why (when you told him how you felt about him) does he say, “I really love you. You’re the most important girl in the world to me and I’ll always be there for you but I can’t be in a relationship with you – we need to just be friends.”

Well, I’ll give you a few reasons and I’ll also give you the ultimate pull-no-punches guide to getting out of the friend zone.

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1. He’s Damaged goods

There are some great guys out there that have had their heart broken one to many times.  And by the time they’re in your life, they have a lot of unclaimed baggage that they have yet to resolve. It’s an: “It’s not you, it’s me” situation, except it comes before any relationship has even happened.

Problem is, your feelings for him and what your relationship could be or should be are just an illusion. The reality is that when someone hasn’t healed past hurts and relationship wounds, they really aren’t ready to get into a new relationship.( For much more on this topic, make sure to read my article  How Guys Deal With Breakups)

Now there have been times where the so-called damaged guy jumps into a relationship seemingly out of the blue after months or even years of lamenting about how “damaged” he is.

This can happen for a few reasons:

1)  The new girl he jumps in with completely takes him out of that “mode” or “funk” he was caught up in.  See, while you were listening to him sulk about his broken heart and smoothing his hair, new girl appeared out of nowhere as a limited-edition item. She attracted him and in some way made it clear (usually without a word) that if he wants her, he needs to act now or lose his shot.

It’s amazing how quickly a man will get his act together when he believes he might lose his shot at something.  (Hint… hint… hint)

2)  He knows he can put up a front and the new girl will buy it… at least, for a while.  See, you know your friend, inside and out. But the new girl who just entered the picture is completely fresh – he can act like whomever he wants to appear to be and she’ll accept that that’s who he is.  But with you, you know what he’s still struggling with … and he knows you know who he really is too.

Sometimes a guy just wants a vacation from himself and his problems.

Sure, these arrangements usually end up melting down (maybe in a week, a month or a year), but during that time he gets to postpone dealing with his issues and can numb his pain with a simple girl who doesn’t unearth any skeletons … for a while.

3)  The new girl had the advantage of a fresh “mystique” – that is, he doesn’t know anything about her and she put up a dazzling image that completely seduced him. The reality of relationships is that for them to move forward, they need to deepen over time. And part of deepening a relationship is knowing the other person more and more deeply and gaining a fuller understanding of who they are.

Your friend knows you deeply. But the dazzling new Cleopatra that stepped into the picture is a blank canvas – he can paint her up to be anything he wants to imagine that she is in his mind.  The less he actually knows about her, the more he can fill in the gaps with his own fantasy.

It’s an illusion, but illusions can have tremendous power. Just ask the advertising industry.

MORE: 11 Definite Signs He Doesn’t Like You

The solution here and the first step to getting out of the friend zone in general:

Let’s keep talking about the damaged goods scenario though and why it can be a major trap if you don’t catch yourself.

You have feelings for your guy friend.  You yourself have been a victim to your own fantasies and dreams about what you two could be together. Sure, maybe you weren’t drawing unicorns and rainbows with his name surrounded by hearts in your notebook, but you are definitely a strong believer that you’re “meant to be together.”

As romantic as all that sounds, it actually damages your chances for success in actually starting something. Let’s look at why:

To put it quite plainly, you want something that simply is not reality. The more you try to force reality, the more it’s going to feel like pressure to the guy friend and the more he’s going to shrink away from you and guard himself.  He’ll stop feeling like he can trust you and he’ll start feeling like he’s a target for your own personal conquest.

MORE: 5 Things That Turn Men Off to Relationships 

Hollywood loves to spread this idea that if someone rejects you, you should just push harder and harder and harder and suddenly, some magic event will happen and you’ll end up together.

This is not reality. It’s better I give you a straight-up reality check because reality can be pretty cold when it comes to this kind of thing. The good news is that there’s a way to avoid this and possibly turn things around. Ironically the solution is: Move on.

Not in a dramatic, mean-spirited or punishing sort of way.  I’m talking about moving on mentally and letting it go. Be cool with being just friends. And be honest with him and yourself when you make the decision that you’re happy just being friends  (people can tell when you’re faking it).

It can actually be one of the greatest lessons to learn to truly let a crush go and accept just being friends.  It’s compassionate and respectful to them. And it also gives the other person the psychological “space” to possibly grow feelings for you at some point down the line.

Letting go and just being friends can be something you just do silently within yourself. It doesn’t need to be a talk or event – you just simply decide you’re going to shift your attention onto appreciating him for who he is and the fact that you have someone who you enjoy having in your life.

Backing off is the first step to this process.

RECOMMENDED QUIZ:  Are You Accidentally Destroying Your Love Life?

2.  He’s not attracted to you “in that way”.

OK, this one can definitely hit you like a brick. I remember back in high school when I had a devastating crush on my best female friend. We’d chat on the phone constantly. We’d hang out all the time. We got along great.

When I finally spilled my guts about my feelings for her, she said she just didn’t have “those kind of feelings” for me.  She loved me like a brother. She saw me as just a friend. Ouch. I have to imagine the sting is just as bad for a girl when she hears that message from a guy friend she has feelings for.

So what are you to do?

Well, even if your guy isn’t “damaged goods,” I hope you read the last section because backing off is a required first step if you want to get out of the friend zone and possibly (even remotely) have a shot at having something more with him. You must truly be OK with being just friends right now. Accept it and enjoy your guy friend as a guy friend.

MORE: How to Get Over a Guy That Doesn’t Like You 

It might be tough, but if you add gravity to the situation or romanticize it or dramatize it, it will be 100 times tougher. What I mean is don’t talk like you’re just friends, but then in your mind plan your wedding day and the love story that led to it.  Don’t cry and moan to your friends about how it’s not fair and how it shouldn’t be this way. Gracefully accept it.  It’s not easy, but if you can’t truly do this, you can kiss your chances of getting out of the friend zone goodbye.


So now that you’re just friends and you’re cool with it, it’s time for a personal reinvention. A head-to-toe makeover, inside and out.

I know some of you in the audience are about to throw something at me and scream, “Why should **I** have to change for him?  He should just love me for me! I’m not changing for anyone, that’s so desperate and lame.”

OK, fine. Don’t change.

But this article is called “How to Get Out of the Friend Zone” and not “How to Do Everything You’ve Been Doing All Along and Magically Get Different Results.” See my point?

If you want this guy and want a different result than what you’re getting, it’s clear that you need to change what you’ve been doing.  That may be hard to swallow, but when you think it through it’s pretty clear.

Of course, you could just decide to give up and find another guy that appreciates you exactly as you are.  And that’s fine… maybe that’s even the better move in the long run. However, the fact that you’re reading this tells me that you probably have already tried that or you’ve looked and there’s nobody else who’s impressed you as much as this one guy.

So let’s talk about the game-plan (and I’m going to warn you, I’m not sugarcoating this –  it’s a blunt, no-punches-pulled guide)…

Your look

Guys respond to looks.  It’s not fair, we didn’t choose our biological/sexual makeup – it is what it is. The sooner that you can accept that guys respond to the physical appearance of women, the sooner you can use it to your advantage.

For the sake of keeping an already long article as short as it can be, I will briefly touch upon things you can do to punch up your look:

  • Get into the best shape of your life.  As a dating advice writer, I don’t like telling women to get in shape.  Some of my closest female friends and ex-girlfriends have had eating disorders in their lifetime.  It’s tragic and heartbreaking and I would never want any girl to have one.  So I want to be very clear: never, ever get into extreme dieting or ruthless fitness.  It may seem like the answer at the time, but in the long run you will pay dearly for it and I promise you that you’ll end up far worse off than when you started.With that said, I do advocate you eating healthy and working out regularly.  I eat right and I work out hard, but it is balanced – I used to go super extreme and I actually ended up getting worse results because of the strain I put on my body.If you feel like you could get into better physical shape, then pick a good fitness program and get to work.  Don’t worry about your natural body type or shape.  Guys are attracted to all different body types and shapes, but we unanimously like one thing: fit, healthy, happy women.  Aim for that – make it a goal and you will be very happy with the results.
  • Master your makeup.  Makeup is one of the greatest advantages women have over men in terms of massively increasing their attractiveness with minimal effort. Thanks to Youtube, you have an endless number of before-and-after makeup transformation videos you can watch. They’ll show you exactly what to do, step by step. Find a woman with similar features to yours, watch her makeup tutorials and learn from her.

Your “Vibe”

  • Fill yourself up.  While looking good will  definitely help you, “filling yourself up” is the most important one of all here. What I mean is filling your life with things that make you feel happy and fulfilled. All too often I see women desperately wanting a relationship to fill them up.  They come to men with their hands out, begging to make them “whole” by getting into a relationship with them. However, no relationship will ever make you whole, happy or fulfilled.  That’s the little known truth – and a truth that Hollywood doesn’t reveal to you.The truth is that you need to come into a relationship already happy, fulfilled, and whole and allow your love of life and love of yourself to spill over into the other person. Only then will you get to have the relationship that you’ve always wanted.  You can’t come in wanting to fill an emotional void – you must come in whole.
  • A final note on happiness…  TV and movies portray an idea that quality men want to date “bitches” or that we fall in love with difficult women.We don’t.  Men who have choice will completely avoid unhappy, “bitchy,” critical, difficult women.  Why would a man want that?  Men hate drama and being thrown off from enjoying our life. Why would we want to be around a miserable woman?The truth is:  Men want happy women. Men want women who are full of love and who love themselves and have confidence. Men want women who love men. So if you’ve historically shown yourself to be an unhappy girl around your guy friend, that could be a major factor in what’s keeping you apart.  Men want to be around happy women who they know they can “win” with – at being your hero and making you happy.  Put positive energy out there… you have to trust me on this that it will work much, much better than being miserable. And you get this happiness from filling yourself up  (see above).

3.  “Love is like a shadow, when you chase it, it runs away, when you turn back and walk away, it follows you.” – Unknown

I think that quote is a little extreme, but it illustrates an interesting point. It actually goes back to what I was saying in the last section – you will not be able to attract a relationship if you’re looking for it to fill an emotional void for you.

There’s a difference between wanting and chasing.  It’s fine to want a relationship. But chasing a relationship is different. It implies that you have a desperate need to have it, like it’s the only possible nourishment for your starving heart.  Poetic, but very bad for success…

MORE: Why The Guys You Want Don’t Want You

I’m going to tell you something shocking. If you can do this next thing, it will change everything for you.  But chances are, you’re going to protest it and want to fight me on it.  And it is…

Open up your dating options… start talking with and meeting other men.  Rack up options.

Yes, I’m telling you to date other men in an article about getting out of the friend zone with your guy friend. Yes, I’m telling you to start opening yourself up to other men.

And be earnest in your efforts.  Really put some energy into meeting new men and talking with new guys… you don’t have to date them or sleep with them or marry them.  Just talk with them and get some guys interested in you.

Who knows, you might even end up meeting a better guy in the process.  You never know if your true destiny is to meet your perfect man by accident… don’t resist this.

Open your options up so that you know that you’re not dependent on just one option.

I almost feel evil for saying it, but for some guys just seeing that he might lose his shot with a girl can be all he needs to snap to attention and reconsider his feelings for you… lest he should lose you to some other guy.  Worth noting, but in this case don’t make this your focus.

For now, this is just about options.

4.  It’s now or never.

OK, so you followed my directions word for word.  Good job… cause it won’t work if you only did the parts you wanted to do and ignored the rest.  The whole game plan is necessary here…
But assuming that you:

1)  Really, truly accepted being just friends
2)  Maximized your look so that you’re now a smoking hot mama
3)  Racked up a whole bunch of potential guys who are interested in you

It’s time to pull the trigger.

Here’s the deal… this is a long term process.  It doesn’t happen overnight.

Doing this process I described is more like a 1 to 3 month endeavor. Transformation takes time. But you’ll know when you’ve completed all the steps and once you hit that point, it’s time to make or break this thing.

The best thing you can do is spend time with him.  Don’t ooze interest into him – keep him guessing.

Here are a few other pointers on the “art of seduction”:

  • Throw out just enough flirtatious innuendo to see if he makes some kind of flirty response
  • Make like you’re about to kiss him or touch him romantically, but then stop at the last second and make it seem like you were actually doing something else innocently… like it was just his imagination
  • Dress sexy
  • Give him opportunities to reach for you and want you.  Be the prize, not the pursuer.

At the end of the day, if you’re giving him the opportunities and he knows that you won’t be on the dating market much longer but he still doesn’t go for you, then it simply is not meant to be.

Hate to disappoint, but if you’ve played it this far and he’s still not going for you then that’s that.

But this is still a win in the end.  It might sound bittersweet, but by following the steps you:

  • Look better than ever
  • Are happier and more fulfilled than ever
  • Have a bunch of great potential guys who do want to date you

So if you have to take a consolation prize, this ain’t a bad one.

I hope this article helped you better understand how to get out of the friend zone with a guy. But there is more you need to know. There is one defining moment in every relationship that determines if it will last, or if you will be left heartbroken…

At some point, he will ask himself: Is this the woman I want to commit myself to? The answer will determine whether the relationship deepens or ends. Do you know how a man decides a woman is girlfriend or wife material? Do you know what inspires a man to want to commit? If not, you need to read this article next: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman

Another major problem is if you think he might be losing interest or pulling away. Do you know what to do when this happens? If not, you run the risk of making the most common relationship-ruining mistakes. Read this now and learn exactly how to handle it: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...

Hope that helps,

eric charles


How to Escape the Friend Zone

How to Get Out of the Friend Zone With Any Guy

Get Out of the Friend Zone and Be in the End Zone

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Hi , So me and my friend were friends with benefits, it has ended. I opened up because I started to develop feelings. My question, Does/did he feel the same?
Reason why I am confused it that, during this period he were different with me than what he usually is when it comes to FWB , the one day he bought me a chocolate and dropped it off by my work. When we are in public he kisses me and holds me, kept me warm when I were getting cold. I know I made him happy, you can see it in a mans eyes and his smile, the way he looked at me. When we slept together, we would spend the night together and there is cuddling ! His Friend and his sister said to me that he isn’t like that, it isn’t normal so they boosted my hope in thinking he is feeling the same, even his mom said she can see there is something. Before we did the benefits thing I’ve never seen him holding a girl, he would normally keep everything a secret and out of sight. We spoke every day sending gifs of ourselves.
When I opened up, he handled it very well, better than what I expected. Before he left he kissed me .. a lot. Now? We barely talk…he says he got very busy with work, so he doesn’t have time but Did I do the wrong thing in telling him how I feel, should I have kept it to myself a bit longer ? What do I do … – His parents love me, will he eventually catch on? how do I turn this around.. I don’t want to lose everything

Reply May 12, 2022, 5:54 am


Even though none of the information worked thank you for the article anyway because it did give me the strength to end the friendship with Dominic he wasn’t really a great friend and I did try to be his friend it just wasn’t meant to be I think these things might be working with Roger though I think he’s flirting with me and he is even better looking then Dominic I mean he is gorgeous

Reply April 2, 2022, 1:10 am


Thank you this really cleared up relationship confusion! I think the best thing in my case is to simply accept his friendship and try to move on.

A summary of my story.

I met this guy online. I gave him my contact details so we could exchange letters as per his preference. He ended up calling me instead and since then has called me every day. We talk for hours. Very deep talks. He texts also. He puts a lot of effort into the relationship and accepts my personality even the flaws. I have made almost every mistake a girl can make but for whatever reason this doesn’t seem to bother him or send him running for the hills. He talks about traveling together, sometimes marriage, in his future visions we always seem to be living together. He wants to live together to get to know me better. Sounds like he’s in love? Nope. He loves me a little obviously but he’s not attracted to me physically and he’s pretty shallow when it comes to looks. I am unable to change the aspect he doesn’t like and anyway I am pretty happy with it. Suffice to say he just wants to be friends. He does become aroused by my voice and fantasies he sometimes has about me which was making it all very perplexing until I read the article. I had thought my situation unique. This was the reality check I needed! He only sees me as a friend. It’s not going to be easy to move on when we are so close but I will try! Thank you!

Reply September 6, 2021, 9:28 am


I love this article.
My good friend and I agreed to go into friends with benefits. We had so much fun by doing things together. We had sex first time and it was intense. He put his head on my chest and held me tight. He took me to the favorite places where he usually go to hang out and enjoy. It because my favorite hangout place because it relaxes me. We took baths together. We talked hours and hours. Every time we had sex, it became more and more intense. He started to ask me to spend the night at his place more often. He asked me to keep him company to go to different places out of blue. He kept finding a way to make me stay with him. My feelings became strong for him. I expressed my feelings and thoughts about what we had doing lately. He kept telling me that he does not want relationship. He wanted me to meet his kids and hang out with them. His kids likes me a lot. I like them a lot too. He put his hand on my knee, holding my hand while we were in his car. When we were in bed together, he held my hand. Touched my face. Stared into my eyes. held me tight. DIdn’t want me to leave. He came over to chat with me. we chatted from 11:30 p.m. to 4:30 a.m. It was hard for us to let each other. He hugged me several times before he got in his car. He also texts me and messenge me through Facebook with different information to share with me. He also shared his personal discussion between his ex girlfriend (mother of his kids) and him to me. He expressed his frustration and anger about the mother of his kids to me. He takes my opinions and feedback seriously. He told me my eyes are unique. He loves looking into my eyes and say nothing. I felt so calm and free when I am around him. Oddly, I feel suffocated when I am not with him. I felt like he is my oxygen. He let me being myself. He keep finding a way to make me laugh and smile. He took me to his friends’ home to meet his friends. I knew one of his friends. We hung out. We laughed. They knew that He and I are having fun together by doing friends with benefits. I noticed that he became little jealous when I was talking to his friend alone in living room while other friends were in garage smoking weed. He stood and wait for me to go to garage with others. He stopped toughing his container and pretending that he was looking for something in the container. He walked behind me and acted like nothing happened. While I was passing him, I had to touch his back and gave him the hint that I saw him. He laughed. He shrugged and winked at me. I was like what… Recently, we had to reevaluate our agreement and he kept insisted that he does not want a relationship but still want to hang out with me. Want to continue what we have been doing lately. I have the feeling that he won’t admit that he fell in love with me. I fell in love with him. My gut tells me that he is the one. He is my other half. He’s my soulmate. Does this tell you that He is secretly in love with me? I think he is scared of being in relationship with me because of his painful past. I dont want to lose him and our friendship. We became best friends already. We are so close. I feel so safe and free at same time when I am around him. I remembered He told me he love me and it surprised me. He said just friends. love you. Recently, I told him I love him. He smiled ear to ear and said I love you. He was proud. I was speechless in my head but did not show him my face expression. After that, he did not say I love you agin. He hugged me tight. What does this tell you? Is he really in love with me and he dont want to accept that we are in relationship? This tells me that we are in relationship because we did a lot like the couples do out there. I do not want to push him over the edge or make him uncomfortable. I want him to be comfortable with me, put trust in me, become more into me and eventually admit that he loves me and want me to be his girlfriend. Am I this desperate? Am I tripping? Am I being immature? I do not know what to think. I know for sure that he and I wants to be in bed and not go anywhere at all. We felt so safe when we were in bed together…. What does this tell you? Just curious….

Reply January 25, 2021, 11:05 pm


l really love my bf ❤ so much and he also loves me so why will i leave him never, this goes to does in love if ur bf loves u ,u don’t have to hurt him.

Reply September 21, 2020, 7:45 am


IM 62 now I was introduced to a boy at a school secondary. We stared into each others eyes and I knew I was to look after this boy. He attended my sisters school and she fancied every boy in her school but, the feeling was never reciprocated. Now, this boy saw me and bam! at first sight.He begged my sister to introduce us again and told her he’s got to meet me again.she became angry asked him “why do you like her
So much he said ” she belongs with me” and he will wait for me. She blocked us , we were 14 and 15 Then he dropped out of school homeless man heart broken I’ve been searching for him since.

Reply January 9, 2021, 11:39 am


So there’s this guy I like and we kissed yesterday but he claims he’s not ready for a relationship which I’m fine with. Later that same night he kisses me again and wouldn’t let me go home… Says he wants to spend few more hours with me and he’s looking at me most of the time and hugging me or interlocking our hands… I’m so confused.. Does he like me a lot or?
Please I need help ✌

Reply October 19, 2019, 8:21 am


Maybe he just wants to know and take things slow.Dont be afraid to check out if he is intrested. Just take it slow and steady but if you’re not sure, if he likes you or not show him that ,you have guys who are willing to date ,like ….you two go somewhere and introduce “those guys” if he seems jealous ,angry or pissed. If he is not intrested you will notice he does not care.LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT WAYSTING YOUR TIME AND EFFORT IF YOUR NOT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT.

Reply November 14, 2019, 1:57 pm


So my situation is that I am very good friends with this guy and I have had very strong feelings for him for maybe a couple of years now. We actually know each other because he asked me out on the street once but things didn’t work great but we ended up being friends. We hung out a lot, I mean a lot while he continued to date other women, mostly casually. This casual dating of other women was fine by me initially but I started resenting it. In the meantime, we continued to be close although our hanging out was becoming more routine, just movies or a meal and less talking. Recently I found out that he was in a long distance on-and-off relationship with someone who he was cheating on an things got ugly. Eventually they broke up but they were kinda together for like a year and it seemed that he was really into her. While I totally feel for him as a friend, it broke my heart to know that he was getting serious about someone else while I was right there. It was like invisible. I always fantasized that after he was done with everyone, he would eventually come to me. That is what our relationship had become. Like home. He would come to see me, I would get him food and let him relax. But while all this was happening, our conversations had become lesser. He still hangs out with me but is still seeing other wom(e)n. I have been tracing back our friendship over the past couple of years and I notice that he might have started to lose interest in me while continuing to be just friends. I love him deeply but don’t know if he’s worth pursuing or I should convince myself to move on.

Reply August 4, 2019, 11:49 am


“Make like you’re about to kiss him or touch him romantically, but then stop at the last second and make it seem like you were actually doing something else innocently… like it was just his imagination.”
Any exact/specific examples? Would be interested in hearing anyone’s ideas.

Reply June 24, 2019, 2:22 pm


Hi Eric? Am Sabina. Am 25, I am really sociable person, act a little careless on Men, seductive, a little bit flirty and good looking Lawyer.
After i broke of my engagement with my Ex-fiance ,i took a time for my self and let it out all the pressure around me. My best friend introduced me to a hot guy and i start to hangout with him. one Friday night, we were too drunk and kind of slept together. I decided to take it as a one time mistake and tried to leave the room in the morning. But he make me stay and acted like a boyfriend. And he start to text me, call me 3 times a Day. Every time we talked, he keeps telling me he thinks Am too hot,Am too much for him and he thinks i might leave him. He treated me like his fiance, he’s been acting so sweet around me… he treated me too well !!!! more than my ex-fiance did, even though am not making an effort…. But i still had question on my mind, to ask him where the thing he was doing is going?. i asked him and he answered me, he’s got a girlfriend, he wasn’t looking into my eyes, he was like a 3 year old child telling a lie… he told me his girlfriend sent a text on his phone, but he avoided me when i asked him to see that Text. and i didn’t get angry or sth like that, because, i didn’t expect any thing. i talked about it and we decided to stay pure friends, he accepts that. But the problem is he still acting weird around me, he still acting like he’s my boyfriend or sth. i don’t wanna have a friend with benefits.i never did that. but the Guy lied about he’s having a girlfriend maybe he feared i would hurt him, or he wants me to be his sex partner only. To be frank he doesn’t treat me like his sex partner, he tell me things that no body knows, things he ashamed of, his secrets…… he cooks me a yummy food every time i spend a time with him, he washes my foot… and gave me massages… he respect me too much in sex………. the guy is purely romantic. I don’t wanna get in confusion. i just wanna Know, if i have ever mislead him to lie about himself. there are so many signs that he liked me and want me by his side. Am not still the one who is making the effort here!!! he is….. anyways. if you have something to say to me, please you are welcome.

Reply March 21, 2019, 10:38 am


Thank you for this article. You really help me seeing what I didn’t see before on this issue. Thanks again :)

Reply January 18, 2019, 2:02 pm


Great article! I’ve been friendzoned by my guy friend about 4 months ago and I can finally tell that I’m at the “accepting we’re only friends” part right now. Actually I still do love him, and I think I will always do, but he’s already interested in someone else. I think I’m not ready to go out and meet new guys yet, but I’ll definitely start changing myself in and out. Not for him obviously, for me, I think that will be a great way to feel better with myself. I also will try to fill myself up a little bit more and gain more confidence. Confidence is a big problem and this article just made it more clear to me.
Thank you so much for writing it! And good luck to everyone who’s going through this situation right now!

Reply August 9, 2018, 1:19 pm


Great Article, very detailed!! Thanks

Reply August 1, 2018, 12:34 am


I read the article and it didn’t really help me at because it has been fifteen years and he only wants to be just friends so a week ago I figured he wasn’t even being a good friend he made time in his busy schedule for his girlfriend but not me so unfortunately I ended the friendship which is what I should have done from the beginning because he doesn’t deserve my friendship I couldn’t be happier now that I’m not his friend anymore I even got a boyfriend now that the other guy isn’t my friend anymore I won’t ever go back to being just friends with a guy I’ve got a crush on because I now know the advice in this article does not really work that’s obviously true I’m glad I ended the friendship though who knows he might have learned his lesson

Reply July 15, 2018, 1:54 am


Thank you, Eric. I appreciate the blunt honesty, and I’m ready to implement these changes!

Reply October 12, 2017, 10:46 pm


Wow this is a great article!
What should I respond if he says “I see you as a friend, I do not want to lead you the wrong way, I don’t want to hurt you.”?
Thank you!

Reply September 22, 2017, 3:31 pm


Something along the lines of “Ok, I respect that, I’ll try to still be your friend but I might need some time.” ?
Then you get the perfect chance to try and implement all the advices given in this article. :)

Reply October 21, 2017, 6:44 pm


Eric and Sabrina,
I met a guy online, chatted for a title overview a week, exchanged numbers, texted for a few days, and then we went on a date that consisted of dinner, a walk by the lake, his asking permission to hold my hand, him staying overnight and until the next day until the afternoon and driving back an hour to where he lives. We texted everyday, him making much effort and being very kind, but then he couldn’t see me, because he is in construction and works a lot, then I offered to see him, but he was truly busy and said he was nervous he’d want to hold me and it would elsewhere in a good way, but that it was weighing on his heart and mind. His effort in texts slowed, but he still responded, and last night I asked him if felt this would move into a relationship at some point but not now, no rush, and he said: And I’ve been fighting over this all week. I like you a lot and I adore you. But I don’t think my heart is 100% into it. I don’t necessarily see a relationship coming out of this. I work a lot and that’s not fair to you. I am selfish in that way I guess The distance is hard for me. Just being honest a DC and don’t want to lead you on. He then called and explained that his heart was just not in it all the way, that as cliche as it sounded but that it isn’t me, and that maybe it’s because he doesn’t have time or something but that he never wanted to hurt me, that he thinks Im great, that he liked the time spent together, that it wasn’t about the hookup although nice, and that he doesn’t want me to think that it’s just over, that he wants me in life, wants to be friends, wants to hear from me, and when I asked if we’d see each other again he said yes but not this weekend because I have work. HE heard me crying and asked me please not to, tried to make me laugh, said he was very sorry, and also said he’d pray for my family and asked if Id pray for his. Our families live in FL and NC and SC where the hurricane is hitting. We hung up, I texted him that was sad very sad. Thank you for trying. Goodnight. and he immediately responded with Goodnight. I feel I should give him a few days of space and then maybe reach out and ask how he is. Is this good? I do like him, do want a friendship, he’s an honest good guy it seems, I like him more for that, but what do I do?

Reply September 8, 2017, 8:47 am


Whatever you do, do not call him or text him. He made his feelings clear in a very kind way. Sounds like he’s either has a gf or went back to her. Men like the chase. If they’re interested, they’ll definitely pursue. You went on one date. Yes, everything went well, which is why I think he has a girlfriend.

Reply June 4, 2019, 10:45 pm


This article is just perfect and I appreciate you!! It has been almost four years and I will follow this exactly! Like you said, if this doesn’t work, it’s time to move on! Just left the gym!!!
Thank you!!!

Reply August 11, 2017, 8:31 am


A lot of people here seem to have problems with the “let the guy chase you”-thing, but I honestly read it as “You have tried chasing him and it didn’t work, let’s try the opposite”.
I have not tried yet (I will!) so I don’t know if it works, but I must say that I love your bluntness and honesty. This is how I want people to give me advice, all the time.

Reply August 4, 2017, 3:04 pm


Love your writing style, you sound like any girl’s best friend.

Reply August 4, 2017, 1:44 am


I have known this guy for a month- which is not long. He seemed to see right through me into my heart. However he has been honest with me from the start by saying that he still has strong feelings for his ex and that he is scared to fall in love with me because the relationship has been so traumatic. Anyway he sometimes asks for space but everytime he does he contacts me again after only a few hours. He has me so confused -help.

Reply May 14, 2017, 2:32 am


I like this guyfriend who is into my friend,he knows I like him but he just want us to be friends cause he like my friend.I don’t know what to do.

Reply April 18, 2017, 2:14 pm


Let me set the story.
Best friends 3 years. He was interested at first – asked me out on dates all of the time. But I played games and made him think I was seeing someone. I made him so jealous.
I tell him I want more . He said he did not think I was interested so he moved on mentally. He thinks we are better as friends but that could change.
We fought about it But I now told him I am fine with it ( but I am not )
We get asked out as a couple –
I just started dressing up all of the time. He always comments
I flirt with him .
He flirts back. .
He asks me out just about every week and texts asking when we are going to connect. I told him in a month – we were invited to a gala and an event
But what should I do ?
We are still in the friend zone.
When he calls or texts I don’t reply right away – which I know he doesn’t like but I need him to think I have dates. .
Should I keep playing this game ?

Reply March 18, 2017, 6:29 pm


depends on the guy. a friend of mine did the same. she told me we could only be friends on the first date. i told her ok. later on i found out she had a crash on me. but she never said anything i was already over her. you have a wondow of a month or so sinve the day you played games. its been 3 years. you guys are done. trust me we men have big egos you fuck up once in a childish way playing games and its over. remember there are many girls out there. why would a young good looking guy spend month kissing ass when he has girls to choose from. if the guy is a losser with no sex appeal. he will follow you like a puppy since he has nk better options. it depends on the guy.

Reply March 31, 2017, 12:20 pm


Well my crush still doesn’t have a crush on me but now at least he gets that a friendship can’t happen right now so I was half right and I am happier now than I was then

Reply March 13, 2017, 11:20 pm


I started dating a man 6 months ago, at first he was totally into me, and even told me he was in love with me! We get along great and he is the nicest man I’ve ever met. Well about 3 months into our relationship I could sense he was pulling away, so I asked him and he said he felt something was missing. Since then we still hang out and we’ve been to several family events, on both sides. But I told him we would no longer have sex as long as he just wants to be friends. He still says he loves me, but not in love with me. He told me He would understand if I wanted to date others because he can’t give me what he thinks I want. However, he said he has no intention of dating anyone else…! What he means by not being able to give me what I want, he means that he may never want to live with anyone, and he knows at some point down the road this is something I want. He was really hurt during his 28 year marriage and has been single 5 years. I’m his first girlfriend. I’ve been single 12 years and have a few relationships and dated a lot in between. Do I need to say goodbye and move on?

Reply January 30, 2017, 5:51 pm


Seems like he started falling. Started giving compliments,scared of me finding someone else and getting jealous, cooked for me. I thought it was going well and then bam! After a series of hangouts he stood me up yesterday and never called, even though the night before he seemed to open up more than ever.

So now we are at a worse place. I lose my friend too, because I cannot tolerate that level of disrespect and will have to cut him off totally. Is there really a formula to this thing? Should I become a b*tch, because they seem to win and I am a good girl that ends up single. Don’t say there are other fish in the sea, blah blah. Where I am, its almost impossible to meet a guy I like. Am I picky, yes I am, because I want love and I cannot see myself with someone i am not attracted to, compatible with and that has good manners. Will he have flaws? Yes, but flaws I will accept and that I can live with.

I am sad he did what he did but I have learnt to be strong. I cried that night but I have stuff to do so I’m back to work.

Reply January 23, 2017, 1:11 pm


hai, it’s already 3 months im pretty close with one guy. on first month, he already introduce me to his parents. so do i. and before christmas im ask him what exactly we are, and he just answered me “later, i will let you know” after that we still keep contact but i feel strange so how. he tell me this morning if he will visit his another office outside our city. and he never reply my messages but he is really active on instagram, he likes 7 photos and so on. so i’m confused what exactly he wants??

Reply January 12, 2017, 11:32 am

Ms. Fox

My boyfriend is my best friend and we recently moved in together.. We do absolutely everything together and I thought we were on the same page. He is the ultimate definition of “damaged goods” but now I have caught him sexting other women and now he has told me he doesn’t want the responsibility of dating. Advice please!

Reply November 7, 2016, 9:33 am


I like this advice. My guy friend started acting into me, he came over and we got busy. Then I freaked the hell out. He’s work friend and when we went to work he acted cold, or maybe I had too high of expectations. He did say hello and pat me on the back. He didn’t start touching me until recently. I realized how much I liked him. I did cut it off because I have so much anxiety about my appearance. It was because of him I joined a gym…not because I was trying to impress him but because he gave me good advice on losing weight. I’m so clueless sometimes I have no clue that guys are attracted to me. He was asking me to hang out regularly. Well when I wigged out I accused him of trying to use me. That’s totally what it felt like. I don’t know if it hurt him. He had told me he “wasnt feeling it,” but I tried to talk to him about it at work and his reaction was a little emotional and led me to ask: were you interested in me or were you looking for sex? He said: “I’m not looking for anything.” That tells me he’s just experiencing life, and obviously there is a friendship there…but I told him that I freaked out because I don’t feel good about myself and a couple things are really weighing on my mind, but his friendship is important to me. He goes: “I’m your friend!” And gave me a huge hug. He’s the biggest sweetie. So now I cant think of anyone else, but I need to work on myself, my top priority is to get my body to a certain point, so that I won’t feel like I’ll be rejected for it. I really want him now though. Maybe as I improve myself we’ll come together. We were moving towards each other..a deepening friendship and he was constantly flirting with me.

Reply October 12, 2016, 12:05 pm


Guys don’t get to put me in the friend zone he has no right to do that and I don’t put up with it if a guy does that to me I’m ending the friendship right away

Reply September 30, 2016, 10:03 pm


I like two boys. I asked out one of them yesterday and the other ive known since pre-school.The boy I asked out yesterday said I was his best friend and that he didnt know if he wanted to go out with me.The other guy I like a lot but not quite as much as guy 1. But guy 2 is actually almost as tall as me and hes smart and cute. Guy 1 isn’t vary tall or smart but hes funner to be around. I think guy 2 likes me. Hee and his friend r always whispering and looking at me when theyre around me. I don’t know what to do and I talk to each on a daily basis.

Reply September 2, 2016, 8:59 pm


I really need a serious advice on this. There is a guy who happens to be 7 years older than me and is my mentor. I liked him because of his wittiness and personality. Two months before he started texting me and used to text daily till the time we made out first time. Though I was the one who made it clear that I don’t want any seriousness to which he immediately agreed. But now it is like he don’t text or message me for days and neither do I. Though we do have sex several times. I don’t text or call him but this is killing me that he doesn’t too and finally I text him always. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong. Please help me as this thing is driving me crazy.

Reply August 23, 2016, 1:45 pm


I started seeing this new guy. He was really awesome and wanted to date me. I figured he had a lot of friends. I tried to make time with him. But he started acting different cuz he lives kinda far. He had this girl with him. apparently just to help him with some money. didn’t want me to see and came to see me just to get some money from me. I shrugged it off and let him go. Then he talked to me the next day asking for something and said, good that will give me a reason to come see you! does that mean he isn’t into me at all. I feel like he just walked all over my feelings. ps help

Reply August 16, 2016, 8:06 am


I really need some serious help from you on how to deal with a guy friend i really want for life and it is complicated. Can i have your email id to mail you in private?

Reply July 4, 2016, 6:52 am

Julie Ann S. Salazar


Reply June 25, 2016, 3:24 am



Great article (advice) I have to try it!! I do want to some advise…I been friends with a guy for three months, he said he couldn’t date me because I was like many of his previous exes (and he feels it will not work). We agreed on being friends which I enjoy a lot but my concern is that when he wants to do spend time together is just the two of us (coffee, cooking, hiking). Recently he was acting strange, so I asked what was the matter…he said “I am kind of seeing someone…sorry” I been confused by this sense there was nothing between the two (I do like him but for me it has been all friendship) and said he does not want to lose our friendship.
I just don’t know what is happening to him…


Reply May 20, 2016, 6:55 pm


i have been there. most women are posesive of their guy friends. sonce you t2 spend a lot of time toguether. he felt bad he will have to break your rotine since he is gonna see some one else. he does not like you he is just worried that he will spend very littlw tine with you and you might get hurt and the friendship could be over. Men do not play games if we like a girl we tell her on the spot or try to kiss her.

Reply March 31, 2017, 12:40 pm


Well this article is a waste of time none of this is true if a guy friend zones you then ladies end the friendship that’s the only thing that you can do a guy can’t keep you in a friendship your not happy in oh and to whoever wrote this article I have a word of advice for you don’t ever friend zone a girl if you know she has feelings for you but you feel differently than let her go that’s the kindest thing you can do for a girl chances are you already lost her friendship

Reply May 2, 2016, 11:25 pm

Eric Charles


Reply May 3, 2016, 12:21 pm


I mean what if friendship with the guy isn’t what’s right for me? I mean I have to at least have the option to turn his friendship down its what I always do when a guy friend zones me maybe my last comment came off as a bit rude I’m sorry Eric you seem like a nice guy

Reply June 22, 2016, 12:05 am


sorry but i agree. this is not so good advise. if you like the guy from the beggining. do not make him a friend period. do not play games. be honest. playing games was your moms way back in the day. if you are already friends and you got feelings for him. once again be honest. tell him how you feel. do not play the subbtle game thats for high school kids and children. if he says he cant end the friend ship or be ready to suffer when he parades girls infront of you. this advise is better and shorter than the one here. BE HONEST DO NOT PLAY GAMES. ACT LIKE THE SEXUAL ADULT PERSON YOU ARE. you are all welcome for the knowledge i just droped here. trust me it works.

Reply March 31, 2017, 1:12 pm


I stayed in the friendship far longer then I should have finally I started acting like an adult and I ended the friendship with him I did talk to him as a neighbor that’s it that’s all it was and I haven’t talked to Dominic in months I’m not sure how long it has been exactly but I ended the friendship with him I told him that I can’t do it anymore I ended the friendship with him forever I probably won’t talk to him ever again I’m much better off the anxiety is lower now because I don’t have the stress of being friends with a guy that’s not even a good friend to me at all Raul you seem like a really cool guy I can’t believe I was ever friends with this guy in the first place because now he’s acting so weird it’s like he’s stalking me he gives me weird looks he makes me feel so uncomfortable he actually listened in on my phone conversations which is rude and he tried to get me to go somewhere with him which is so not going to happen nope not happening and he also drove really close to where I was running he showed up at the gym I go to about four times now and I really don’t want to ever be his friend again he’s not willing to accept it if anyone has any advise about what to do then please do tell I’ll be happy to do anything you suggest as long as it doesn’t involve being his friend again which won’t happen ever again he’s crazy

Reply January 17, 2019, 6:24 pm


Eric I’m simply saying that if you ever friend zoned a girl she probably isn’t going to be your friend anymore trust me I’m a girl I know these things I actually had a guy put me in the friend zone needless to say I’m not friends with him anymore he turned crazy anyway he got into a serious relationship with his girlfriend and turned into a jerk yes that’s right Dominic is a jerk now I guess that’s what guys are like they get into a serious relationship and they turn into a jerk

Reply January 17, 2019, 6:29 pm


Two questions for you:
1.about the shadow thing, not pursue, wait for him to do it. Shall we play fake all the time pretending we don’t care?
2.about unhappy women that men don’t like. why are there so many depressive women in happy relationships?

Reply April 23, 2016, 8:09 pm


First off, thank you for opening my eyes with this article.
I’ve been in love with a guy for like 5 years now and I keep getting mixed signals, even my friends (girls) confirmed that he’s acting “strange”. He actually doesn’t seem interested in even being in a relationship any time soon with anyone, but still, our mutual friends and family already see us as a couple. We hang out quite often, but he likes to hang out with other people as well, including girls, which makes me kinda anxious. I’m afraid I might have seemed desparate for him sometimes tho.. Do you think there is any chance that your techniques will work when I’ve already been “desparate”? I think he already kinda knows how I feel about him, I’ve never held my feelings back, but I never actually told him like “Oh, let’s date now”..

Reply April 20, 2016, 2:39 pm


Does this work with Best-friend with benefits?

Reply April 19, 2016, 6:20 am

Eric Charles

What exactly do you mean when you say “best friend with benefits”?

Reply April 19, 2016, 7:44 am


Here’s another thing I don’t get. Why do we have to be chased in order to be interested in? I’m not an animal I’m a human being. If a girl likes a guy I don’t understand why she has to act indifferent. Guys don’t hold all the power. If a guy is going to be so pea brained about it and lose interest than that’s their problem. If you like someone why does it have to be a game when you could both figure out you want to be together much sooner?

Reply March 30, 2016, 1:06 pm

Eric Charles

Actually, I wrote a post called “Do Guys Actually ‘Love The Chase’?” You can look it up on Google and read it, but the short answer is that guys don’t love the chase – the guys that are a good match for you don’t need to chase (because they inherently like you and want you) and, for the guys that are wrong for you, there is no amount of “chasing” that will ever be enough to make it work (it’s trying to shove a square peg through a round hole… not going to happen). I only have the reference to “chasing” in the title because a lot of women in the friend zone think that’s what they need/want… I would rather have a catchy title to get them in the door than have a flaccid title that doesn’t get clicks… at least if readers are here, I can help them. Hope that clarifies.

Reply March 30, 2016, 6:13 pm


Hi, Charles
its my first time reading your site and I must admit its very helpful and inspiring.
ohk! here is my love life problems been dating this guy for almost 8months now, we never made love and he claims that he loves me he can skip days without calling me, AND the major problem is he says am sensitive every time I rese the issue and he says his always busy, and I just have to know that he loves me.

really don’t know what to do cause sometime I think am very had to him

Reply March 10, 2016, 5:21 am


So I’m 14. I know it’s kinda pointless to date at this age and that it probably won’t work out but I like one of my best friends. I wake up in the morning an my first thought is that I can’t wait to see him. Whenever I’m around him I’m on cloud nine and I get jealous when he talks about other girls. I have had crushes before and this feels different. I’ve felt like this for two years now and my other best friend found out that I like this guy and she is encouraging me to ask him out. Should I do it? How can I do it? What if he says no? How can we still be friends? What if he says yes but we break up? Maybe I’m thinking to far ahead. What should I do? -Natalie

Reply March 4, 2016, 6:57 pm



Reply March 3, 2016, 5:16 am


Dear Mr. Charles,

I would to ask your advice on my relation. There was this girl that I met and known for 6 months now because we were two of three winners for a music competition. Long story short, I and 90% sure we have a mutual attraction for each other (though I don’t know if I’m infatuated since I never had a GF before) but the main problem I think is that since we live about an hour away from each other, getting to see one another would be difficult along with neither of us showing signs of friendzoning the other but we’re just at that step before establishing a relation. I don’t know what to do. May I ask for your opinion? I appreciate your time and your advice.


Reply February 22, 2016, 10:39 pm


Thankyou soooo much Eric, What a wonderful article, full of wisdom as is all your articles. I believe what you say is true and this could not have come at a better time, as I am in the process of ‘letting go’ and moving on, in a loving way and yet still appreciate that I have wonderful friend.
I am moving on with my life, going out, planning a 5 week holiday, focusing on what makes me happy, keeping fit and enjoying life.
I know as much as I feel for this man and would love him to commit to me, It is time to move on and whatever the outcome may be, I know I will be ok….

Reply February 16, 2016, 11:49 pm


Thanks from me too ERic.
Hi Jacki,
I have been reading a lot of these articles and i love the info in this one. I liked your comment and found it inspirational. I have a crush on a work friend and we have spent time together outside of work and enjoy each others company. I am falling for him but not sure if he feels the same. I suspect he is still recovering from a bitter divorce. At the same time I am coming to the end of 2 years of grieving for my late husband of 30 years (therefore having done a lot of letting go on many levels). I am confused as to whether i am trying to fill a void or i have fallen in love again, but I am now at the point of starting with exercise and diet program, making new friends, planning trips and as you say focusing on activities that i enjoy. I have had enough of trying to control/predict the future and i am now going to “go with the flow” and see what happens…. plus I haven’t dated since the 80’s, so am pretty clueless as to how this all works these days!! :)

Reply March 4, 2016, 11:06 pm


and also, if I want to get out of the friend zone with my best friend with benefits, do I stand a better chance if I stop the sleeping together now? or can I do all that you mentioned while still sleeping with him?

Reply February 14, 2016, 8:59 am


hi! I was wondering if this applies to a guy who is my best friend with benefits as well but I want to get out of the friend zone?

Reply February 14, 2016, 8:42 am


Hello! I just started reading these articles. Reason being is because I need help. Such as advice. Well, on the 5th of February 2016 my boyfriend broke up wi th me because he lost feelings or his exact words,”I have been thinking this for 2 months now and I come to it that I lost feelings for you. ItS best of we are friends.” My ex and I have been dating for 2 years. It was going to be 3 years in March. I know it’s risky but, I really want to work things out with him such as give me a second chance to rebuild his feelings for me. The problem we had was miscommunication and affection. He is the non affectionate type where as I am the more affectionate type. I never dated a guy that was nonaffectionate so this was new to me. And I was always concerned about his actions. And I didn’t know how to accept them because it was so new. I really believe I can fix this problem but, sadly. I really don’t think he is going to take me back if he has been thinking about it for 2 months in our relationship. Such as yesterday I did my best and not contact him and starting working out and just get my mind off the break up. Later that day, I saw him in person (since we all have the same friends) he was surprised how happy I was to see him and how I actually went running (he knows I hate running) and I acted as myself. After the hangout, I texted him I was heading home. And replied “okay. Drive safe.” And of course I made sure he went home safely. But, I did call him telling him how I truly felt because I didn’t want him to think I was ignoring him or begging or chasing him. I just told him,”Carl, it is going to be hard for me but, Im trying to get over the break up. That’s why I haven’t texted you, I even deleted the apps of my social media to keep myself focus. I know you want me to be happy without you, but, everyone (our friends) keep telling me you are going to come back I just have to wait. But, truthfully I don’t think you are coming back. I know I have to wait alittle longer to actually find out but, that’s just how I feel. And when I asked you when we broke up, “would you ever take me back?” What I meant was that I really wanted to restart our relationship new because I feel like I wasnt prepared for a relationship with someone nonaffectionate. But, now that we know our differences I wanted to learn how to fix my mistakes for the better of myself and hopefully if you do take me back I really want you to see that if you give me time for myself to recover I can make you happy. But, for now I’m going to lay off.” He understood where I stood. I just need advice if I did the right thing in telling him my feelings. I would like to know if I came out as begging or clingy. I want to know what I should besides being friends with him and just improve on myself. Please add suggestions. I would really appreciate it for a reply as well. Thank you!

Reply February 7, 2016, 10:28 am


I want to start by saying thank you for the informative articles. I have a bit of a more complex problem that I can’t find much literature about. I would really appreciate some input. I met a man online about a year ago. We dated 5-6mo. I think I may have scared him off by asking too many times “where we were going”. I backed off eventually after realizing I was happy with where things were. First I told him we should just be friends. Nothing really changed. A couple months later he said he felt like he was holding me back and we should be friends but nothing will really change. I said it would, but it didn’t. He said that he wants his next girlfriend to be his last and doesn’t see it with me. He is also in love with his best friend but she doesn’t like him that way. He went as far as saying sort of the same way I like him when describing it. We still hang out a couple times a week, he texts me everyday and worries if I don’t respond. I definitely don’t come first on his priority list though. He does go out of his way to help me when I need help but that’s just his personality. He is going on a date this weekend but always tries to talk like nothing is ever going to come from his dates. He also says he gets friend zoned all the time. He is 10 yrs older than me and I think that’s one of his major concerns since he brings it up a lot. He did get out of a long term relationship about four years ago. His best friend was the first girl he met after his bad breakup. I haven’t dated in a few years due to medical issues. He was the first one for me in four years. I guess we are technically friends with benefits now. I feel like he may be waiting for something better to come along. Maybe I’m just settling because it’s easy but I think I really like him. When I go out with other men, I think about him. Most of the time I don’t bother going on dates anymore. Is there any way I can get him to see the age difference won’t matter and get back out of the friend zone?

Reply February 5, 2016, 2:12 pm


Also, since he broke it off with me in October, not too much has changed (which I mentioned above), we do tell each other about the people we go on dates with etc… the other problem comes in where I messed up not knowing about the “no contact rule”. He text me the very next day. I kept it short but there was never a period of “no contact” is there any way for me to reverse that? Should I even try? I feel like he would be really upset if he didn’t hear from me. When I told him I didn’t know if we could be just friends it really upset him. Since I am a mom,he had already met my kids (as my friend), my youngest really took a liking to him so that was my major reasoning for staying friends. I just didn’t expect him to continue texting everyday. When I try not responding, I feel rude because he responds to me almost immediately after I text. Then we end up in a conversation. It is pretty clear nothing will change if I don’t do something different. What man would give up an arrangement like ours? Any suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thank you!

Reply February 5, 2016, 2:31 pm


Hi, Eric! Could you please write an article about how to truly see him as a friend? I mean, the guy I like is already in a relationship… one that is a total mess! I know he likes me, but I am just tired of waiting (6 months already) for him to be single. So, I don’t want him out of my life, but I really need to get him out of my mind. He is driving me crazy!

Reply January 31, 2016, 3:49 pm

Eric Charles

Two things:

1) Find someone else to be more interested than this guy
2) Make the full decision to give up on this guy (so that you’re not taking your emotions on a rollercoaster ride where it seems a possibility of a relationship is getting closer, then further, then closer…) give up on him and move on. Give up on the possibility of him so you create room for the possibility of someone else.

Reply January 31, 2016, 4:27 pm


So idk of my situation has to do with this exact article or a multitude of them. But I badly need advice. So I met this really great guy on a dating website a few months ago. We were heavily dating and everything was going very smoothly, on the same page as far as what we both wanted etc. then I told him I was taking a pregnancy test ( which I should of kept it to myself because I knew I wasn’t pregnant. I had just messed up on my pills!) a few days went by and he was being weird and distant then said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and completely cut me out of his life. I have it some time and reached out to him. We became “friends with benefits” now. I sent a text to him on accident and he got jealous and pretty much said he doesn’t like to share and that he was turned off now because he thought I was sleeping with other guys. Again he’s being distant and just shut down. What the heck do I do!??!!!!

Reply January 22, 2016, 8:55 pm


Girl, ithat mistake was bad enough, but now you’ve become me f*k buddies. You’ve totally ruined any chance of having a relationship with this guy. I’d go with Eric’s advice: drop him and find some other guys to date.

Reply August 27, 2018, 8:35 pm


almost all dating and love advice sites for both female and male say that have the other sex be the pursuer or chaser. therefore, let’s say a guy and a girl who are into each other and they are both playing the game of “let the other sex be the chaser” but wouldn’t this result in a stalemate.?

Reply December 17, 2015, 7:22 am

Eric Charles

I agree it would be a stalemate, but only if you were fixated on getting one guy…

If you really boil down what I talk about across my articles, I say to be open to a relationship, but don’t wait around trying to get a guy to commit to you. If you remain on the market until a guy locks you down, then when the guy comes along that wants you and doesn’t want to lose you to another man, he’ll lock you down. Fixating on one person who doesn’t want to commit is 90% of the relationship problems that people ask me about.

Reply January 11, 2016, 12:11 pm


Oh well in that case just turn down his offer of friendship that is if nothing changes pretty soon

Reply December 15, 2015, 1:04 am


My crush touches my waist. But at the same time I think he doesn’t like me he always seem board when we talk. I don’t know how to tell him and I kinda had a chance to go out with him last year and I got scared and said no. what should I do

Reply December 1, 2015, 8:21 pm


If I touch a woman’s belly you can guarantee I’m into her. You should ask him out, though I should warn you it’s not a guarantee. He might just be teasing you. Also if he’s bored while you talk that could be a problem. If he says he’s interested in going out with you tell him you are concerned and ask him what subjects he likes to talk about. Good luck to you. :)

Reply January 21, 2016, 4:45 am


Hi there,
So at present the short story is that I dated this guy for about four months, then we did more of the friends with benefits as he was going through some major life changes, now he has moved six hours away and again is in a place of transition… I believe in our connection yet I am uncertain how to continue a relationship with him. Do I let him know “just friends” is what I can do (vs FWB) and let it lie while I work on me… or do I completely walk away from the relationship all together and work on me… Just not sure what to communicate to him at this time. I want more with him yet totally get that timing is not right. Do I keep contact with him or go no contact?????

Reply November 25, 2015, 12:06 pm


Ok, so I like a guy from my class, but he doesn’t really JUST hang out with some people. He’s really nice to everyone, and it’s hard to tell who he likes and doesn’t like. And it sucks because sometimes when some other girl makes him laugh or something it makes me feel weird. :(

Reply November 18, 2015, 7:01 pm


But I feel I have plenty of time because we r still in fifth grade…..this shouldn’t be so hard…..

Reply November 18, 2015, 7:02 pm

The girl

Don’t worry, I in school too, life’s tough, and the guy I like is also really open, but I mean I really agree with Eric here, just move on.o Reese there something else, it really works, I PROMISE, reach out to him. Just poke him, later go and then walk off. BAM. He’s either gonna poke you back, and then you have this whole teasing thing going on, or he’s gonna look at you weirdly and forget about it. If it’s the latter, sorry, he doesn’t like you… It’s hard, I know. And often those kinds of guys have like 2 days when they are all about you and then crush on another girl, or tease another girl, and then all I can say is, move on.

Reply February 10, 2016, 8:23 am


Hey people, there is this guy I have known for about a year…actually there is this group of 8 friends and we both r a part of it…I have known all these people for just a year yet we connect crazily…it is so comfortable with him the thing is I started having feelings for him halfway…and I couldn’t keep it in myself and I confessed to him…but he likes this other girl who is smart n pretty n not at all a bitch…and he has the same intensity of feelings for her that I have for him…he has told her but she friendzoned him…..and he has brutally friendzoned me…I m broken…yet I have created this impression in the group and in his mind that I m over him…but I AM NOT OVER HIM….what do I do…? I think our mental wavelengths match perfectly and he’ll just b unhappy wid that girl…how do i keep my sanity ? :/ I think IBM going mad :/

Reply November 16, 2015, 5:25 am


I can agree that most of this advice works for men as well. I’ve had a guy friend for the past few years, and I was never that interested. We were just friends. But after a while he started dating other girls and I found myself feeling jealous about it even though I never showed interest in him. (I didn’t say anything to him about that, but it definitely changed the way I felt). I’d say it would work the same way if you’re a woman and start dating other men. You might find out who is actually interested.

Reply October 21, 2015, 1:17 pm


okay so I believe I kind of have a weird situation. My Bestfriend with whom I Love dearly is my landlord as well. He owns a house and we live together in the basement (his request) and we both run the house, and tend to tenants who live on the main floor. We’ve known each other for 7 years and we have lived together for about 3 years now (not always in the basement) and we have a very good system with one another and neither of us have been in any relationships other then 1 or 2 one night stands… We have never slept together and we are both super respectful of one another’s space, body, and mind. When we go out we get confused as a couple all the time. I have met his whole family and he has met mine (my family believes we are going to get married), we also say I love you pretty much every day… but now I want there to be real love and I don’t really know how to approach it to be honest… I’d like to say something but with me living with him and not able to move if things go south until next summer at least…. I’ve known him since he was couch surfing to now owning a house and being successful and we’ve watched each other grow and have helped one another with issues with family, work, and self improvement…
Sometimes it seems like we are dating already but as soon as a friend of ours makes a comment he goes straight to calling me his sister :/ I didn’t mind or correct him at first because well I didn’t feel this way. Now that I do and living with him without much other place to go right now I don’t know what to do or say… I find what you had written helpful for some cases but what could someone do with my living conditions?

Reply August 20, 2015, 8:36 am


I always thought myself as a man trapped in a womans body, after reading this article I had to laugh because this is exactly what I was telling one of my girlfriends, I’ve never had a problem with attracting guys. In fact, I’m the type of girl who wants a guy to want me but not to need me, once he gets all mushy and needy, I’m like “no thanks,” I think I just don’t like being that deep and emotional, anyway, this drives most guys crazy, that I can move on so easily and it makes them want me more. Eric is right you dont have to change, or dress like a slut to attract men, you just have to know what you want and what you dont want and exude that confidence. Be direct at the beginning. Girls always tend to overthink, and get clingy, when nothings actually happening. If what you are saying or doing to this guy are things you’d say or do to your other girl/guy friends than you’re probably not being clear, because thats how you treat everyone. Woman are so scared of rejection, to reject and to be rejected but its how you move on, live with it. Pride is a sin, don’t let your pride/hurt get in the way either. This may seem shallow but when I was reading the comments I was like whoa, woman write their whole life stories on here, its the comment section and they’re writing articles…than I go ahead and do the same. I guess I’m meant to be a woman afterall.

Reply August 17, 2015, 2:58 am


Thank you!
You gave me ALL the answers I needed
Wow mind blown!

Reply August 11, 2015, 6:02 am


Hi Eric,
I have been involved with an on again off again guy for over 10 years. We used to date back when we were 18 , however since then he has moved all over, we both have become parents. Yet we find ourselves back into each other’s lives. I have always felt like he is the one for me, he has even made the comment a few years back. However it seems like we are stuck in the friends with benefits zone. We do live at least four hours away, yet lately we have made time to travel back and forth between the two cities. Now after a major event had passed I did express to him that I expected a little more of his time. Whether it being texting , or calling , just some form of communication to let me know , I wasn’t far from his mind. In expressing these things I thanked him for always making me feel happy & appreciated. Yet I disclosed that we should only be platonic friends. He agreed, but he also discussed how busy his scheduled had been! I honestly don’t want to let him go. To make matters worst a few months ago he was going to marry a girl he had only dated for seven months. He did call the wedding off & ended communication with her. Yet honestly I’m still hurt from this . Can you help me sort through these feelings and what or how should I approach this situation?


Reply July 27, 2015, 7:05 pm


Let him go. He deserves to be happy and so do you so quit interfering in his life and find someone for yourself.

Reply August 9, 2015, 3:24 am


OK.. :-) Thank you. Ready… set…go

Reply July 23, 2015, 2:35 am


I’m a year older than him and we’ve been in the background of each other’s lives since elementary school. (We’ve always known about each other but never really interacted and had at most a paragraph of exchange towards each other through all of our academic career) I knew he was a good and smart kid while we were growing up, and I did think he was adorable in a little kid way. Recently, we were reintroduced for the first time in three years since I graduated high school and he’s grown into an attractive young man. It completely left me in awe. He is one of the best friends of a male friend of mine who is pretty much like a younger brother to me. We went to a convention together (I work at the convention and they were attending) and spent four nights together at the hotel. During the first three days we interacted I felt as if we were clicking. We had an interest in a lot of things that were similar. However, the fourth day he met a girl a few years our junior and he seemed to be getting along with her quite well. Since I don’t have any claim to him, I wanted to let them have their time to bond and feel each other out. The following day he tells me he had never felt a connection with a girl like he had with her before (which of course I found upsetting) yet he said he did not want to pursue a relationship with her. He has expressed to me that he’s shy and has a hard time with rejection (which I’m the same and he told me this the night before he met the girl so I was trying to decipher if that was his way of telling me that he wanted me to be the one to approach him or if he was simply stating how he is when it comes to members of the opposite sex). It’s been a little over a week since this con and I invited him out for some pool a few days ago where he couldn’t attend due to work. The next day I texted him asking about said work and he responded with an immediate follow up of saying he would go out for some pool with me. We talked for a few hours back and forth through text where I asked him a lot of questions about himself to try to show that I’m interested in him (whether as a person, sexually, or both) and then he asked if our friend (the one who is like a brother to me) would be attending, when I told him he had other plans (which he did) I told him he could ask him to make sure if he so wished. When we met up, he said he did text him but got no response. From the moment even before I got out of my car he was standing in front of the parking space and smiling. We played pool for a few hours and talked and laughed a lot, however, at one point he mentioned how he was talking with the girl from the convention, but also said that he was mostly disturbed by her family situation and that he wanted to help her. I wasn’t sure how to touch this topic as I also come from an unhealthy household and when I tried to talk to him about it (which is what I thought he wanted to do as he brought it up) he seemed disgruntled and so I felt as though I said the wrong thing and changed the subject. I was able to get him to go with me afterwards for some ice cream, even though he didn’t intend on eating any. He said he had nothing better to do and no other plans for the night. Throughout the night I discovered that as much as what we had in common, we did NOT have in common, but I like the balance of us being different and we tend to tease each other about liking or not liking a specific thing. While the whole thing was great and wouldn’t really be considered a date, he seemed to be in a rush to leave or something of the sort as while I was talking with him he didn’t really stop me to say, “Hey, it’s been a nice time, but I have to get home” rather he slowly made his way into his car and one of the last things he said to me was to “yell at our friend for not joining us” that night. However, earlier while we were eating I mentioned some reference books and utensils he may have been interested in as he is trying to find his place in art, and he said that I was going to take him to the store I mentioned to get the supplies next week. To me, I could interpret that as him finding an excuse for the two of us to hangout again, but I don’t want to get in over my head. I haven’t contacted him in the 24+ hours and will continue to refrain from doing so for a while to feel out the situation. I’m not sure if he’s looking at our situation as purely friends or what, and I’m wondering how I should approach this situation. I’ve mentioned this situation to the minimal with our mutual friend who said that I should go for it. A part of me would be lying if I said I didn’t want to have sex with him at least once, but I do find him more appealing at an intellectual level which is strange for me because I usually never go for younger guys even if it’s a year apart. He’ll be leaving in late August for school anyway, and there’s also the other girl. He did proclaim that she had a flaw he wasn’t fond of, but I’m not sure if he was sharing that as a friend or perhaps a hint or reminder that he’s not looking at her as a potential relationship. I’m not sure if he would even consider a committed relationship with anyone right now. When he first saw my rave attire the first night of the con his eyebrows shot up and he was quick to give me a compliment, so I feel some confidence that he may find me sexually appealing. Due to the fact that it’s still early in our reunion, and that I’m running on limited time, I’m just wondering as to how much longer or if I should even continue in feeling things out with him before or even if I should approach him on being in either a relationship or just a hook up (though relationship is preferred).

Reply June 22, 2015, 7:26 pm


I have a doubt in my mind..I and a guy have been good friends since we were 13..and now we are 18..It is 5 years of a very good rltnshp..The beginning was dead akward..i was from a girl’s school and he from an co ed..On the first day of school..he was seated infront of me doing crazy childlike stuff…i turned and asked my friend..what is his name? N who is he? Through a soft gesture..she smiled n asked me whether i liked him..i was astounded as i only asked his name..before i could utter a word she got up from her seat n walked up straight to him n said i like him..he turned in a jiffy with a shocked face n looked at me..i being clueless blabbered whtever came from my mouth..then this friend of ours began laughig..gradually we became friends..we used to play paper games n cards n even read novels that i brought from home..then one day..there was a little fight between this friend of ours which got us introduced badly..let me just name her ms.x,i am ms.a and he is mr.b,and another friend of us solve ms.x and mr.a’s issue..i helped them out by chatting it out..while i got things solved..i seemed to get closer to mr.a..soon we started sharing moments..n experiences..we built new memories was a very lovable bond..our chat timings began to increase..the max at the age of 14 was 6 hrs..n we never realised the time passing…but we were not close in school as ppl used to tease us..everyone found us as couples..n teased us to the max..they even conjoined our names n made it into our names were very similar to one another…soon..there was a fight..n the four of us broke up..but that gave us a chance to get closer..we spoke more n got more closer..this went on till we were 16…he would look at me..n smile but i never responded..i would involuntarily turn away or mybe never looked at him knowing his presence there..hardly he came n spoke to me..but he was cute..n everyone came to a conclusion tht we like each other..things went on perfect n at the age of 16 i moved to another school..he never chat..he was kinds dissapointed tht i left..n so i began the conversation..he was kinda reserve but as months passed we were good..i had an issue in school n he asked ms.x about it..but never contacted me..i thought he was not interested to talk to me anymore..then i sent him a which he got excited n told ms.x about it..Then came my bday n he wished me..he even calls me with a nickname of his own…soon we began chatting throughout the nights..till 3-4 sometimes..he tells me about his family…asks me opinions about buying stuff like watches..n we basically lead a life in chat together..when i had issues with my girl i am a little emotional..he gets me out of it so perfectly..n sees it in the least dramatic way..we have stopped talking at times due to the fight among friends..but the both of us was perfect for one another..but i have always had the doubt whether he was being a facade or he used to act different with our friends n diff with me..he tells them tht he is shy to speak to me n all..then ms.x told me one everyone were muddled whether were we couples or friends…she told everyone that..I like him n he likes me..everyone knows it except the both of us..we nvr bothered to what they said as we were happy with our rltnshp of mystery..then came one day when i asked him who is his best friend among girls..he said..there is a girl..but dont tell her..he was referring to me actually..he showed me my own name in the chatbox by cutting it out from my fb timeline..i was astonished as i nver had a boy as my best friend before..then we became even closer..but our friends always told me…tht he likes me..i never believed..we would never speak about rltnshps..and just went on with the flow..we were happy the way it was…i have asked him umpteen times on who is his gf..with the mindset of mybe its me..he denies n said no one..then he said wait for 3 months till our exams are over..i even said if he doesnt say i wont say who is my bf n i would kill a joking manner…..he said tell me who is ur bf n so i can die peacefully..i was muddled…what did he mean? N a few other assuring statements tht he liked me..things went on n high school finished..aftr our results..i scored lower than him but he never believed..he put me higher than him n never believed my results… then he said i got better results than him n was happy with that..i tried telling him no..but he never wanted to beleieve…during our schooling days he told me tht he would come to the same college as i went to…then in the beginning of this year..i kinda pissed him off saying he cant even choose a pre u to go to n needed his parents opinion..he gt mad..n stopped talking to me for a fortnight…the last msg he sent was enuf..n asked me what did i mean by what i said n when i explained…blurly he told me that wasnt the way to say it…n he said wait n thts it..gone..he changed alot aftr that…then he began becoming close n more happier aftr the fortnight..then aftr his mom saying tht he should forgive me..n i getting him to talk to me through our frens..he spoke but he didnt want me to speak about tht issue..still i had to i spoke to him..then…things were good but a slight distance in his attachment…he was more like a friend..then came a point where..i asking him whether he liks me or not n he said yes…but he thought it was love..n denied saying he never thought of loving me…n tht time he planned to go to a diff place to study…i whom actually dont know whether i like him or not…felt a little hurt when he said he doesnt wanna take advantage of me as we are very close..n said he doesnt want this for now…then i asked him how about in futuree..he was amazed..n asked me is this really u?? Then i pulled back n said..i was just joking but inside me it tinged..if he had not liked me..then y all those signs…he even sent a request from his brothers account to mine..n aftr the second fight he said delete it..he used to send me stickers like miss u n then laugh n we speak throughout the night till wee morning…i say stuff like if u find a girl..then u would forget me n he hooked tht n began talking about the imaginary friend n irritate the same time fix ne up with a guy i showed him heree..but he was very manipulative…its like he was like he likes me at the same time doing these..the second fight came with a misunderstanding invloving his family…then he asked me am i stupid? n told ms.x tht i was annoying..i gt a little hyper not knowing he had someissues at well..its cause he stopped replying suddenly n i gt frens were confused and said best friends dont behave like this..n ms.x said i am blowing out of proportion..but i did not know wht was happening…n i din wanna lose him..then by night things gt better..a guy friend of ours said..let it go for the moment..then i wrote a long essay saying how much he meant to me n feelings of mine..n i am leting him go n how much i amgonna miss him..he read it n never replied..then by our conversation never stopped..despite sending tht msg..he asked me whether its too late now? N i said mybe..then by night i demanded an answer..n he said..sweet things n gave me a spcl position..he has said things like he sees me on a diff scale as compared to others..n would never want to lose a good friend like me..but since i hv made the decision he would go with it…i cried..n wanted to speak to him tht night..he obliged..despite the scenario at home..of his mom might listen to him talking…we spoke i cried..n he got me out of it again…we spoke till dawn..n then things gt better..but within him i dont know…aftr going to his big college campus..he came up with a girls name n showed me her eyes..n made me feel like he is in the beginning of a rltnshp with her..but she was something he made up…it was dumb…earlier before all these fights he did the same thing with his cousins pic…i cried..n he was just i hv no idea..what he wanted..then…he said he has a love letterr…n showed another girls pic n its like disturbing me..well if i am just a friend…why all this? HE is too confusing..then…i wanted to speak to him..been moths n he never spoke…he called me once aftr postponing it so longg n but his roomates n the atmosphere was not right..something was not right with him..n the distance gre more n more..i gt a little annoying n now..he doesnt even see my msgs..all of a sudden…whoosh he vanished…he became cold..n i sent him another long msg saying i am sorry if i had been harsh n bla2 n i would talk to him aftr his exams as i am dealing with myself…..he never replied..n then he became extremely cold…he is online but never replies..but chats with another friend of mine like soo much n so normal n is soo cold with me..recently…days n now a week he never replied…i get worried n my frens say dont pressure him…but when he seems fine everywhere else..n poses for pics n is active on social sites..i dont see a reason y he is ignoring n avoiding me…he even saw my friend req on insta..n showed it to me but canceled it when we were still talking in the mids of these mishaps…then i sent him a req n he never accepted..i then canceled it…he likes pucs of other girls..n ya he has always been like tht…he speaks bad words but with me he says he is good n doesnt speak…i hv asked my frens n each of them have an opinion of their own..i am honestly in a fix..its my bday tomorrow n i will always get a wish from him…i dunno whether would he still wish me or he would ignore.. i really like him n he said he likes me too but i dunno in which manner..i dunno what to do to bring back our lovely rltnshp…even our more than 70000+ chat has been mom..n he laughed n said i cant get it back..i told him to delete in anger n he said he has..he made it sound so convincing n i cried thinking all those memories including hs baby pics gt deleted n next morning he says…i din delete…i am dead confused over this guy…n his funny behaviour..i need professional help! Please!!…I need him back..i love our rltnshp…n jsut would do anything to get it back…

Reply June 22, 2015, 9:15 am


Well..may not be that specific as even this is too long…i hope this would give an overall picture to this rltnsp..i need help..please..n i am not sure whther i hv posted on the right page..i read n i just felt like it..i hv been reading about this page n am a subscriber too..but the books recommeneded are just impossible to get as i am not earning..i honestly like my good friend..although i don know whether its anything more than friemdship..but i honestly had no intention to hurt him n i am puzzled at his behaviour..i want our rltnshp even spoilt my lifestyle as i am really depressed n hurt and almost everyday i am crying…but now a little better aftr undersatnding tht its my mistake partially…pls help me out..i am sick of false opinions from all my friends..i really need a honest n professional help..i really love my best friend..

Reply June 22, 2015, 9:29 am


What sucky advice. What girl in the friendzone hasn’t tried dressing sexy, flirting, acting super happy and nice and getting other guys to maybe try and make him jealous? That’s EVERY GIRLS PLAN to get out of the friendzone!!! It doesn’t work unless he wants to go out with you :/ you can’t force him. There’s no guide for getting out of the girl friendzone. Guide for getting out of the GUY friendzone, do all the things listed here.

Reply June 18, 2015, 12:12 pm


Hahaha this is a great post!

Reply June 5, 2015, 12:03 pm


Ummmm what are you thinking saying that no it’s not the article is a joke and by the way if your trying to friend zone me don’t even think about it the answer is no

Reply June 20, 2015, 1:37 am

Eric Charles

Perhaps punctuation could become your friend.

Reply June 25, 2015, 12:42 am

Cric Eharles




Reply September 29, 2015, 8:13 pm


I already have a friend his name is Vincent plus I don’t think punctuation would make a very good friend

Reply June 22, 2016, 12:09 am


Well Eric I think I have an even better way maybe the girl could take a break from the guy that only sees her as a friend or say sorry I already have enough guy friends I know I know no guy wants to hear it but that’s how I feel and I once had to push a guy friend away before because he only saw me as a friend nothing more his name was Ashton and when he got married I pushed him far away from me because that’s when no good can come of it once the guy a girl is attracted to is married then there is no friendship

Reply May 21, 2015, 11:59 pm


Thanks Eric, sounds like I’m on the right track.

Reply May 1, 2015, 8:19 pm


Eric how do I get under his radar and get him to open up about himself and so build a connection? What qisetions should I ask?

Reply April 29, 2015, 12:12 pm


To, Eric ,,
U r a funny man. Ur article cracked me up even though I had a terrible mood. Thank you. Ur advice makes sense to me. I have a long distance relationship for 8 years now with my childhood bestie. It isn’t really that great. Although we love each other alot. Hoping to find help here.

Reply April 21, 2015, 5:11 pm


I have been seeing this guy on and off (mostly off) for a year. He hard ore friendzonrd me a few months ago. He just says us together is a “bad idea.”. The weird thing is that when we are talking sometimes he will randomly and out of the blue say something like “what we had is done.” Or “ur not the one. . We could literally be talking about UFOs and he’ll come out with a comment like that. Its almost like he’s trying to convince himself. What do u all think?! I need some validation here.

Reply April 12, 2015, 11:07 pm


He seem confused and has no idea what he want and he is putting you in confusion too so ask yourself : do i want to stay at this confusing state peace

Reply April 15, 2015, 5:27 am

sonja coney

Well, I have one for you! I have a boyfriend of three years, that has his own money, his own business, has two kids from a previous marriage that he divorced from, he takes care of his exwife and gave her an apartment he owns to live in because he says she’s the mother of his kids and her family disowned her. He is Taurus, april 29. says he loves me only but when I ask him. After coming to see me twice every six months, he disappears for weeks not contacting me. when I’m with him, he can’t quit touching me at all. I have no car to go see him with right now and he knows this. Doesn’t offer to help me with anything. why? I never ask him for anything and when I do, he disappears on me?> He has his phone where I can’t talk to him, other than contacting him at his business. well, I haven’t texted or called him since feb. 12. and about 3 months away from now. I will call him and see where we are at that time. What is going on here? I let him just be him.

Reply April 12, 2015, 2:07 pm


I see so many red flags in what you are saying about him and maybe he is taking for granted expecting to wait for him and always be there and he can use that against you . Maybe you should reconsider that dude and ask yourself how is this thing going is there a give or take or just me giving and him taking . and see if you can live with someone who clearly doesnt put you as his first choice

Reply April 15, 2015, 5:25 am

sonja coney

well, as it seems; I am a dominant female. however, I let my dominant Taurus boyfriend be just that with me. He’s trying to wear me down, to the point I am weak for him. I love him with all my heart, and when I’m with him, I know without a doubt he feels that way too. His exwife dated him for several years, he did this to her too. His exwife got pregnant by him and he married her because he told me that he wouldn’t a woman like that. he’s only been divorced for 4yrs. I guess I need to get a car fast, then I will see how the relationship can go from there.

Reply April 18, 2015, 8:52 pm


Hello people i have read all this comments i feel like why all this girls are wasting time on all those confused shy not ready for commitemet aka i want to get in pants of more girls douchebakish guys . For god sake you are the prize they should be the ones doing the chase if they dont A: Its there lose B: they are stupid and life is too short to spend it with stupid people ; For god sake you are alive and life is short date yourslef and make her happy i dont knew wright a list of all the things you want to do before you die and do them ; Spend your energie trying to make your dreams come true . Do some volentary work to make this world less crappy . Go to a book club or a salssa class . Eat healthy and exercice to live longer so you can be happy longer and judege men that try to be with you not on how much they make you happy but if they dont take from your happy vibe . Come girls you can do more useful stuffs like stalking you favorite celebraties . Dance smile and laugh . Be awesome and make men work hard to get a peace of that awesomeness . We live in a world when you have a chance to do great stuff fight the wage gape . We leave in a world when a girl like Malala the youghest prize winning live a girl who got shot in the face because she spok of girls education . While you are wasting energy on useless men come on girls you are do great things dont limit yourself on small world of the rom com hollywood drew for you there is more on life than that and again YOU ARE THE PRIZE . Life is short be awesome and be with someone who make you feel awesome not is confused aint nobody got time for that . And studies show if you kick out people that bring negativity in your life good stuff will start happening to you . Your soulmate is somewhere looking for you and you have following someone else . Girls kick that douche and go find yoursoulmate do it for the sake of your future kids -yup that was a back to the future reference – come on people stop being sad be happy . The only person that should have the key to your peace is you and you knew what Sometimes embracing your inner weeknesses,find what you can change and what you cant , accept that the perfect vision you want is not perfect for others and that the burden of your sadness,anger and broken dreams cannot be held by anyone but you can give you one of the most beautiful gift of life : inner peace.

So girls be awesome


Reply April 4, 2015, 9:57 am


Oh man, Oh shit… the minute you said “Girls should be chased” I couldn’t stop laughing. For people who want to be equal you have to give up that sexist notion. Falling in love is a two way street, not a one way chase fest.

Reply April 9, 2015, 4:02 pm


Its not about equality its about wasting time i give the same advice to my male friends stuck at the friend zone if someone doesnt love you or want you why waste the energie and the time and yes in my culture girls dont do the chase .I was raised to study and have a career if a man come cool if it doesnt still cool . And i believe that equality can be done in some thing but not all things . And in country we still have what you guys call old fasioned values and we have less divorce rate and sorry if i made mistakes in spilling english is like my 3 langages still learning
peace and please dont steotype people human are more complex to be 100 percent into someting or exercicing some concerpt we all see them diffrently doesnt mean anyone is wrong it just i dont like saying people puting all there energie for someone who doesnt care or waiting for someone to give colors to there life .

Reply April 15, 2015, 5:22 am


PS : Another thing in my culture we dont make fun of other people opinions we discus them we maybe old fashioned but in a lot of time old fashion work and its clear we dont have the same values just the way you replayed or people are just meaner at the internet i gess hhhhhh

Reply April 15, 2015, 6:31 am


So now you’re trying to justify this b.s.? Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Reply July 14, 2015, 3:37 am


I’m stuck in the friendzone for life

Reply April 2, 2015, 9:28 pm


I really appreciated this article because I’m going through this now. Very helpful advice but could you elaborate on hinting to a guy you’re interested in that other guys are interested too? Examples would be great!
Thank you!

Reply March 12, 2015, 12:19 pm


So I have saved this link on my phone. Every time I feel my mind wondering into the “I like him more than friends” area I whip this bad boy out and read it. A pop on the hand if you will. So far so good. It helps me shift my thinking and shut off my girl brain. Best part I like what this article has done for me. Working out, eating right and dressing for confidence has done wonders for me and my self esteem!

Reply March 10, 2015, 9:05 am


Amazing article!!! So true- very good advice ;)

Reply March 10, 2015, 2:35 am


Hi !
I have been dating this guy since 1.5 years ..! We have been great all this while but now when i asked him if he loves me or we just great friends he said we are both but a little more on friends side..! I really love him and i cant stand being pused to the friend zone! I want him like he was loving caring possessive chasing everything i need ! Now its like i have to ask him if i want to go for a movie ! He males no plans nothing ! This is just disturbing !:(
Please help !

Reply March 4, 2015, 10:30 pm


if u really love him you need to let him know.
not just by telling him but by showing him how you feel, and if he doesn’t feel the same way maybe its just not meant to be.

Reply March 14, 2015, 4:33 pm


To Eric or Sabrina

I used in relationship or friendship and. I was quite shy into getting to know the
Person better. And the boys will treat me as their girlfriend alright but text me
Saying that you are dumped and that I have another girlfriend on a text message.

I am remining single but I hit another love triangle again between my best friend
And his friend and I didn’t get know his best friend properly at all untill
He told their was an issue between his best friends Shane and the girl he like
Didn’t feel that same way and Morgan his friend say that I need talk to Shane and ask him what he wasn’t with the girl and I felt sorry for him .

And that I saw a picture of Shane and I like him now but his best friend Morgan
He blocking me from seeing and getting to know him properly and his best
Friend doesn’t call me or reply my text messages at all .

I will get told he saw your text message but he still angry with you .
But I would to consider date him and see what happens that if he is available
Then i will take it further . I saw all of my friend in a realtionship and I
Still remain single not with anyone at all .

My friend or family keeps saying to me Caroline how come all of friends
Have a boyfriend and you don’t have anybody to share your ideas with
And I say I wish that I was in a realtionship right now .

People my age are dating and getting married but I hope that this person
I like say someone or say hi and then we can start hanging out .

But I don’t know what do I right now . Or I can wait untill the right time
Until the right person comes along when I don’t know even though it not my
Time to be a realtionship .

Love from Caroline talabi

Reply January 24, 2015, 6:17 am


Girl its time for you to start dating your self fiirst ; ask yourself am i happy is no do something about and that something doesnt have to be a man ; look at yourself do you have dreams make them come true ; do you have ambitions work on them; Do some volentering work; Be part of some clubs try new things ; poteries gaming ; hell make a list of all the things you want to do in your life and do them and if you feel sad stop being sad and be Awesome and if people are like why are single be like Im too busy dating me for now; Stay away from the drama and drama queens douchbags and attention whore ; Girl you are alive and not starving enjoy the experience of being in this earth dont waist your time looking for that man that will be your happeness find it yourself in a way that when a man in your life you judge him basid if doesnt mess with that happy you not if he bring it and peace girl

Reply April 4, 2015, 8:45 am


I have a co-worker who is significantly younger than me. We have never worked together directly, but it’s a small office and we always have said hi to each other in passing. I asked him to be part of a program I started outside work and he agreed. Our first “real” conversation was about that and I felt that he was especially open and enthusiastic about talking to me despite everyone saying he is shy. I’ve never seen his shyness–he is always very open and friendly with me though we’ve only spoken 2-3 times at work. At our company Christmas party a week or so later, he spent the overwhelming majority of his time with me. He made very flirty comments like his drink “smells like love” and later saying he was “full on love” and when we sat together (I think by chance) at dinner, that “this is the best night ever.” He asked to taste my dinner and ate off my plate. And for the longest time, he and I were engaged in a conversation that included no one else at our dinner table. He told me all about his ambitions and what he thinks about deep things and what his personal goals were. It was a very intimate conversation. He touched my arm a few times but I felt because we were with work colleagues, I couldn’t reciprocate or flirt. A co-worker who sat directly in front of us took pictures of us, and it’s clear to me that the body language communicated he was interested in me. When we returned to work, I didn’t hear a peep from him. I asked to speak to him a few times via email about the program, but he didn’t come through. And yet, when I went by his desk a couple weeks later, he seemed to completely be nervous and self-conscious but had a HUGE smile on his face and was definitely excited to talk to me. So after a month now, I have no idea how to read the situation. Oh, and at exactly the same time that I asked him to be part of my program (I did flatter him with a few compliments), he changed at work. Where he had always worked silently and intently, he now speaks with colleagues and talks louder–I’m 8 feet away behind a cubicle wall from him so I can’t see him but I can hear him. While I believe if a guy really likes a girl, he’ll make a move, I can’t help but wonder if he’s holding back because a) our office is extremely conservative and reserved–no one associates outside work, b) our huge age difference, c) his inherent shyness, d) I have a huge and charismatic personality; I’ve been told I can be very intimidating. Do I wait? Do I drop subtle flirty hints? Do I back off and forget the whole thing? Please help me to understand this situation. Our conversation at the company Christmas party flipped a switch in me and I’m not only having strong feelings for him, but I was inspired by his strength and character and I’ve begun to get back in shape and I conquered my fears and started working to build my own company and I’ve completely lost all my fears. He inspired me deeply with his integrity and sense of purpose. What do I do about this? Clearly I’d like something to happen between us but I’d like him to pursue me; I don’t want to pursue him. Your feedback would be incredibly valuable. Thanks! Love all your articles. They’ve given me incredible insight into men and relationships.

Reply January 18, 2015, 10:01 am


Girl ok you sit with yourself and ask her ; Do i want a relashioship with him ; in worst case senario am i ready to work with him everyday ; Should i give him a chance and take a risk or no; look at you see if you are ready for that kind of office romance and if you can handle all the drama that may come with it ; hell ask yourself if you like him ; And dont chase him ; thats not your job your job is to be fabelous and if he is intersted he will have to make the move and why not try to knew him as friend first see what kind of man is he ; and look at him on more of informal level and you deside you are the prize in this senario all the cards are in your hand dont hand them to him just chill and if he took the hints cool and if he didnt its his lose


Reply April 4, 2015, 8:53 am


I have been in love with my friend for many months now. Our situation is a bit different in the sense that we met online, dated for 6 weeks, and he felt a lack of physical attraction and ended it and now we are close friends. I came across this article about 4 months ago and followed all steps. I lost about 30 pounds (I was overweight) and got in excellent shape. I’m still improving my body and fixed some issues with my neediness and whatnot. I went 5 weeks without seeing him and barely talking to him. It was difficult and I cried quite a bit but it helped me move on and start to see him less as a boyfriend, more as a friend and lowered my expectations. In mid-November we saw each other again and went back to seeing each other frequently. I stayed mysterious, went out with other guys (hinted that to him as well), we flirted lots more, incorporated sexual humor and so on.

Well it worked and it didn’t work unfortunately. A few days before Christmas we spent the whole day together, exchanged gifts and ended up making out and having sex several times. I was sure things had changed since then, because he was being different with me, subtly, but more warm and was planning more trips with me. Unfortunately he told me 2 days ago (less than 2 weeks since we slept together) that he felt very confused, thought he had romantic attraction but didn’t and that we could not continue with kissing or anything. I’m not going to lie. I felt devastated and cried quite a bit. at this point, i need to move on entirely. We have plans in several weeks that I’ll continue with but will not do anything else with him and will avoid contact. My friends seem to believe he’s a very confused individual and perhaps things were rushed. I went on a nice date last night and am trying to keep my head above water.

I’m writing this post because this is brilliant advice, but you have to follow all steps, which is a lot harder than you’ll think. The advice was great for me because it took him off his pedestal, and the more I got in shape and built my confidence, the more I began to see that love doesn’t have to stop with these guy even though I’d love so badly to be with him. Also, the advice did work to a degree. My guy kept telling me for ages he wasn’t physically attracted to me but due to these steps I was able to help him feel that physical attraction and want more from me on some level. however, according to him, the only thing missing is the romantic attachment. Everything else is there for him but he doesn’t miss me and he doesn’t love me, so it’s simply not meant to be and I have no choice but to let him go and move on. :( Good luck ladies and do take this advice… you’ll get something great out of it one way or the other.

Reply January 3, 2015, 4:45 pm


Wow I feel for you. What a confusing trippy guy. That’s pretty messed up. He sounds hella confused on what he wants. I think it’s good that you’re not contacting him after that one last meeting. Leave him to wallow in his head. You sound like youre a wonderful girl that any guy would be lucky to have. Good luck :) and could you please reply to my question below under the name “Cat”? I have a similar problem and I was contemplating having sex with him (even after he said he just wanted to be friends) just like you did. Thanks!

Reply January 3, 2015, 11:37 pm


Thanks for your comments. :) Much appreciated. I replied to your comment so hopefully it helps.

Reply January 4, 2015, 10:35 pm


Hi Lissa, it’s me, Cat. I just left you a reply to the comment you left for my question. I was wondering if you could take a look if you have a minute, thanks!

Reply January 10, 2015, 11:09 am


Study show if get rid of people that bring negativity in our life good thing will start happenning to us ; So its time he get his box to the left and for you to leave him behind i find one thing about him from all this he is a douchebag ; Feel nothing were you wernt looking good and when you were has no trouble feeling up but he still confused and he didnt mention that before he cop a feel the bastard ; Cut him out girl you are the prize and if he didnt see that its his lose . Try to be happy for you girl wright a list of all the things you want to do before you die and do them; Do some voletary work ; Go a bookclub or a tango dancing class be happy and enjoy life until a guy who doesnt make sad but enjoy the light of your happiness come . And who is not confused of how amezing your are
Be a happy human and enjoy your time on this earth and anyone who make you sad is not worth it


Reply April 4, 2015, 9:06 am


So I’ve had a crush on one of my best friends for over a year now. He was in a relationship most of the time. But he became single the past june. We started talking and got closer and closer. He told me from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship but still we continued to get closer and closer. We live together. We made future plans. Everything was going really good, then one day he came home and said that he thought we should just go back to being friends that he still doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to stay best friends and continue living together. When he got out of his last relationship he said he had plans to hook up with a bunch of girls and be single for awhile. And he never got to bc he only ended up being with me. So I wonder if he won’t ever be able to settle down until he gets that outta his system. He is talking to a different girl now, or atleast sleeping with one. I want another chance so bad. I need some advice and how to achieve a other chance. And what to do. I was in the friendzone, then outta the friendzone, now back in it. What do I do? Moving on is too hard. Any advice is very apreciated.

Reply January 2, 2015, 9:09 pm


I told my crush (he’s single and straight) that I liked him. He said I was pretty, smart, funny, wonderful, but wanted to stay friends / didn’t feel a romantic connection. We’ve known each other for years, but we’re not close friends. In the past he’s told me he was ‘scared of relationships, all girls would leave him’. In the recent past he’s given many compliments on my style, personality, writing skill, kindness, has called me funny/witty/angelic, sweet. And said I was attractive inside & out. It would seem like I’m gf material, I have the looks, personality etc., that he likes, but no apparently. I’ve moved on and given him space for now, but how can I build a romantic connection with him? Or am I forever friendZoned?

Reply December 31, 2014, 6:51 pm


Hi Cat! Thought I’d reply at your request. :) Nope you are not forever friendzoned which is great. One thing I’ve learned is that there are things in your control and out of your control. This guy being scared of relationships is completely out of your control and a HIM problem. It’s not something you can heal by yourself. So that’s a huge issue that is outside your control and one I would keep in mind while pursuing this guy. I’d recommend you keep him in your eye, but continue dating other guys as well since this guy may not be ready for a committed relationship anyway.

Building a romantic connection won’t be so bad. After you get some adequate amount of space, spend a bit more time with him. You said you guys aren’t close right? This is probably a good time to get him to open up about himself (however still keep your mystery about you. You can be open but not too open). Just try to strengthen the bond you have. Also, what really worked for me and my guy is planning fun things together. I don’t know your age, your budget and what type of people personality wise you and this guy are but my guy and I went canyoning, looked at holiday lights together around the city, did a fun little one-time improv course together and met up and had romantic dinners. Try to think of fun things you can do one on one or in a SMALL group and hint at him to do that with you, but casually. For instance, next time you see him, you could say “oh hey, me and a couple of friends are seeing a comedy show, I think you’d have fun if you’d like to come.” Or “Hey I’ve been wanting to check out this restaurant in your area. What do you think?” For my situation, creating fun memories together really gave us that push and made something unique about our interactions that he won’t necessarily have with another girl or other friends. It gives him an idea of what kind of girl you are, you both get closer, and so on. I would avoid making activities with large groups. Small, intimate groups like 1-3 extra people allows you both to chat one on one. Maybe even invite a couple and another single friend. That kind of thing. If you can, really try to hang out one on one. Don’t force it if it feel like pressure but I guarantee the more you guys do things together, the more there will be an opportunity to build a connection one on one. Just be smart about it and don’t plan stuff every week. Maybe limit it to several times a month and remember this will take time.

Okay next thing to do, is after you’ve had him open up more to you and have done things together one on one and in small groups with mutual friends… start to back off a bit. Have him miss you little by little. This is the part I missed with my situation and what I think really builds romantic attraction. Some people are capable of taking things for granted and not seeing what’s right in front of them. Once you establish a closer bond, the space will be more apparent to him and to you. Let him miss you, think about you, and want to be with you… and that is what builds up to romantic connections. However, this can take time.

I think space will help you now, but once space has ended and when you feel he’s ready, work on building a closer bond with him, and start to do the push/pull thing. And whatever you do, don’t mess up other opportunities. Keep dating other guys. Ironically, my making out situation with my guy happened right after a really long 10 hour date with a different guy. Trust me, these situations are way easier to handle when you have options and feel desired. Just don’t hurt anyone in the process. :) I would not have sex with a guy to manipulate his emotions. If there’s a moment for a kiss go for it, but sex doesn’t make a guy romantically connect with you. With my guy, I had NO IDEA we would even kiss when I saw him, things just happened and escalated. Before that day I really thought I’d never kiss him again, so the kissing and sex was a shock, but remember guys don’t view sex the same way as women. My guy is very emotional and a sensitive guy and the sex clearly did not trigger romance for him. Good luck!

Reply January 4, 2015, 10:34 pm


“You can be open but not too open.” My problem is that I’m very mysterious around him, too much perhaps lol, because I’m still shy even after knowing him for two years. I’ve had multiple low key one-on-one hangs with him, and to be honest, I think I made them awkward even against my best attempts of normalcy lol.

We’re both in our mid-twenties.
It’s just frustrating as I’m sure you can imagine, that he only sees me as a friend, because I know years ago he used to really like me. Oh yes the sex thing I mentioned… Umm I thought I get him to like me by doing that. He is a sensitive “artist” type like your guy, and I thought I would do the push pull effect with sex. So yeah, I guess manipulation in a way. I think it will work…

Reply January 8, 2015, 10:39 pm


My situation is SIMILAR but not entirely the same.
For one, we actually became good friends AFTER I started liking him.
I’m okay with being just friends, I truly am because just knowing that he’s there for me and having him there is worth it. I would not lose out on my friendship for anything. But at the same time, a relationship is something one consider quite so oft.
Regardless, we became friends after I really wanted to get to know him. And I just don’t know. It’s like he talks to every girl in our school but he never initiates conversation in real life with anyone except me.
And getting into a relationship is near impossible for me as I’ve always been a goody two shoes and can’t consider it if I know that somewhere deep down I can’t give it my all.
We barely have a month to spend together now and with each passing day we get closer. But I just don’t know what he’s thinking sometimes.
I want to be a psychologist so I can predict people but… How can one look at their own situation in an unbiased manner?
I do wish for some advice, not having made my “problem” so to say, clear as of yet.
If I could just get some advice apart from the aforementioned segment, I’d be ever grateful. (I would love to get this over with as I do NOT want romance to consume my life but at the moment, it seems like that’s all there is.)

Reply December 21, 2014, 2:47 pm


Girl its time you focus on you . Stop asking what he thinking and ask what am i thinking of him is our friendship is a gave or tale or just me giving ; Does he add eny positivity to my life or just confuse the hell out me ; and girl life is too short to be confused .So focus on you your dreams your friends that are real and that bring positive thing in your life and maybe there is some dude who has feeling for you and you are to busy looking to someone else to see that . Girl enjoy your school time go to clubs find out how to make true friends and how kick fake ones; Read book about psycologie ; do some volentairing and experament with your fashions choice until you find your style school time is the time when you do all that dont waist it pinning after some dude who probably trying to find himself while finding girls along the way if you knew what i mean

Girl learn how to be Awesome and be happy

Reply April 4, 2015, 9:25 am


I just read this. I’m not even in high school yet but… It kinda helped. I made a previous mistake of dating my best friend that I thought more of as a brother. It turned out he was a pervert and we rarely talk now. Anyways, his best friend became my crush about 2-3 months after that. We were watching a movie in class (yesterday, because of exams we had time). Me and my crush (lets call him A) was there. Only a few people were there because in that class, we didn’t have an exam. His best friend (my ex. lets call him B) wasn’t there either. We were playing video games, while listening to my music, (because we are those kind of people) and I was on iFunny (check it out its a fun app) we were having fun, laughing, talking, smiling and then the movie started… It started out with us sitting next to each other, me leaning on my desk all cozy and content. His desk was next to mine and he reached over and held my hand. It ended up half-cuddling. Anyways afterwards, when he got home after soccer, he texted me and he said,”I just want to be friends.” I didn’t know what to say and I tried to hide my feelings by saying,”Yeah… I like you but i don’t like you and your my friend and I don’t want to ruin it.” (something along the lines of that) Apparently he likes me but doesn’t want to date me. And as his friend, I know he hasn’t had a girlfriend before. Im not quite sure if it has anything to do with the Bro-Code or he isn’t ready for this kind of commitment yet. I am going to try this and MAYBE it can turn into a long relationship in high school… *please comment more advice!*

Reply December 18, 2014, 3:53 pm

Liza William

First of all, this is such a well composed and coherent article. Most articles on the topic (and mind you, my romantic impasse forced me to read plenty) were nothing more than empty promises. Thank you for the reality check, Eric. So the issue is that my situation is a little worse off than the one you described. I’ve been in love (yes, i am sure) with my guy-best friend for almost an year now. Initially i thought it was a phase because i had recently gotten out of a shitty relationship (um, with his bestfriend. Awkward). I didn’t wait long to tell him because a) being my best friend he soon picked up on that something was wrong b) i never really thought that i would want to pursue a romantic relationship with him later on c) when it comes to matters of the heart, i am fool. I often try to ‘get it over’ with. Anyway, back then we laughed at the matter and made some puerile jokes about a very awkward situation with absolutely no difficulty. I did not ask him out back then, or ever for that matter. He used to, still does sometimes, casually joke by asking me if i want to date him or hookup or something. I never quite took it seriously, or maybe subconsciously i took it way too seriously because my feelings for him kept on getting more tumultuous and inconvenient with time. We accidentally made out one at a friend’s party because i was too drunk to control myself, and we were slow dancing with all the “his hand on your waist, your hand around his neck” shmuck. It was weird but it soon blew over, and sooner became a joke (“remember that time i forcefully kissed you and you let me despite the fact that you’re not into me? fun days”). Next on, i sort of hooked up with his cousin. My guy-best friend had some pretty colorful insights on this mistake-like thing i did. He was obviously not comfortable because i am his best friend, and the other guy is his first cousin. But after a lot of bickering he finally ended the matter with “you did what you did, its done and cant be undone. But don’t try to avoid the consequences, do you know that’s it’ll be impossible for us to date ever in the future? Not that i was thinking about that, or whatever”. Yeah, bummer. That’s when it hit me that i really did want a shot at a proper relationship with him. We fit, still do, maybe we always will. We’re the people who’ll probably never end up together, no matter how briefly, yet people cant stop asking us why we don’t consider dating. Well i did, way more than what will pass off as emotionally healthy. Post that little drama up there i started dating this other guy, it was pretty casual but the guy was a bit of a douchebag. My guy best friend more or less begged me not to date him, to the limit that he said “If you want to do is date someone for the sake of it, date me.” i laughed and dismissed the whole thing all together. Whenever i tried to fix things between the two men in my life all they did was abuse each other and contest who had a bigger right to me (argh). Eventually my boyfriend became my ex boyfriend, for obvious reasons and then some. As soon as i broke up, my guy best friend jumped into a relationship with this chick he barely knew. I and his girlfriend dint really get along, well i never tried to get along as i had other ulterior interests. My guy best friend and i often fought because of this, and went on a mini friendship hiatus. He broke up with his girlfriend, and then we got back in touch. Since then things have been smooth, but this whole situation is just so frustrating. So i tried to end it by trying to explain how difficult it is for me to be friends with someone i feel way more intensely for. He dint really react affirmatively, and i am certain at a point he said “i am not letting go of you merely because you can’t get over a silly crush” (i guess my memory improvised on the ‘silly crush’ part but whatever). All this in an year, yeah. I’ll try and give your 3-step advice a shot, but even so do you have any extra comments on the matter? Thanks for your time!

Reply December 18, 2014, 1:01 pm


Like most remarks I have read, you use men (his best friend, cousin) to have sex with. Thinking your guy friend will quickly fall in love with you. Honey…it doesn’t work that way. You are probably a good friend to get drunk with and do things with ie. party’s. Having sex to get a man doesn’t work. He (and any other man) will just keep you around for Friday nights.

Reply March 19, 2015, 1:56 pm


Hi there.
My story is similar but unfortunately with a bad ending/for now/… I met this guy on a meditation class ,..who was like exactly my type .. Like everything i ve always wanted, and looked for in my life.. like he was made to fit my all of my criterias and if i had a type thatd be him../perfectly magicly,, good-looking,ability to understand me,great personality,similar thinking .like we had so many things in common and believe he is very good-hearted and kind as well / so for the period of two,three weeks /that we were getting to know each other through chatting/ i became even more obessed with him cause he became like the best friend i always wanted.Yes,FRIEND.You heard me right,.. For all of those weeks I didn’t get any hints that he might like me as something else or that he has any long term interest for our relationship to continue in the future..Like he really enjoyed chatting with me but if he had something else more fun to do he’d not miss to take the chance.. I felt insecure,, not enough even though at that time i really liked myself.. he was more.. he was and still is the hottest guy i’ve ever seen in my life and yeah I pretty but to me average for him . So when we finally met /for a second time/ I was really really sad and dissapointed cause for that first 2 hours we were talking i didn’t get him to act like he was interested in me at all /not even the slightest/ I felt so bad ..unhappy,.. ugly and totally friendzoned..And then after my moment of inner dispair, we went to grab a beer , got back and then so suddenly as i was talking about something completely out of the love matter .. he went all over my mouth by frenchkissing me . it was so sweet and hot but also so unrightt in a way.. i felt too surprised ..after all those weeks of thinking that im just a nice sister to him ,, i just couldnt stop myself and had to pop up that idiotic life-ruiner kind of question “why did u kiss me?I thought you just see me as a friend?!” and thats when our relationship slowly began to sink in..He acted all so surpised about this question by saying”well we are friends,no?” and i was like ‘yeah but i dont kiss my friends like that’ ,and then he was like ” will see what happens,smilingly with a smirk’ . And then i felt so odd.. that even though he kissed me 3 more times and it was good i felt as if something was missing.. as if he didnt feel the same way as i do and he was just physically attracted to me that night.. so in the next few days he still wrote me but then after a week/due to other circumstances// he lost his job and flat,being busy looking for one // so we had to chat more rarely and more rarely and we just kept in touch as i was feeling more and more down about the situation till one night/the one about we spoke about meeting each other a week ago but werent sure if we will be both available so he said we will keep in touch/.. after not calling me at all it was like the culmination of my sadness and i decided to go out for a walk and then just as i was passing by this one specific street.. thinking so obsessively about him ,,someone called my name and it was him !!and his friend ,, there they were drinking ,, it was so weird .,, to see the guy you thought about for all those weeks/after a month passed from our last meeting/ being just there .. having fun .. being wild .. and then when his friend invited me to stay i just had to accept.. i was way too innerly curious to find out what he is doing ,, how is he doing.. how does he spend a typical night out.. what does he think about me.. and then as i was seeing him look at me .. it was like nothing!,, Like i talked to his friend more than i did with him… he treated me like an old work collegue or along known buddy .. I felt so odd baddd and unwanted..unneeded .. like it hurt every single part of my body cells at once.. As i was uncontrollably staring at him being so perfectly beautiful and all charming he was there feeling nothing about me ,, so i started drinking with them and talking to his friend …then we went to one club to party and as i was dancing with him .. being all sad angry and warmed up ,, I confronted him by asking the question of what does he really feel about me .. and as he continuously refused to reply ,by saying its not the right time for us to have this conversation/ I snapped up and whipped out loud”why dont you care about meEEE?! ‘ , and he acting completely offended saying’you really think so?really,if yes i better go’ ,walked out of the club’d hall/d idnt know if he went to the wc or just out/ and as i got incredibly mad drunk and dissapointed his friend came to me and as we started dancing he put his tongue in my mouth for like 5-10 seconds.. Then i felt so bad and went to the toilet but when i came back they were both gone. I called him right after but his friend answered saying he isnt around /although i knew he was/.. and ..I dont know what to do now .. I know i sound like a complete immature slut and an idiot and i know that maybe he is not the right one for me .but today..after MONTHSss have passed by,, I am still crazily obsessed with him.. !!! and we HAVEN’T TALKED since that night.. I dont know what to do ..i still think about him all the time,id tried to forget him but i just cant and dont want to look at any other guy.. he was like the best friend i always wanted ..and i blew it .. but i never thought he’d leave.. helppppp guyssssssssss!im desperate and feeling guilty as shit! i d do anything to bring him back into my life.. i never called or wrote him for that time after cause i felt to scared about the result so i couldnt take any action..but now it drives me crazy cause i miss him even as a friendly figure in my life.. like he really understood me like no one else had ever before.. HELPPPP!!!!!!!!! there must be a way to fix this,. i will go to the meditation class again and ask about him…

Reply December 16, 2014, 5:24 pm


.. :( :( :( ..

Reply December 16, 2014, 5:25 pm


Send him a message apologising for anything you may have said/done to offend him. Acknowledge that your actions may have hurt him. Don’t try to make excuses or explain the reasons for your actions.

Then if he replies, talk to him, explain your feelings on the matter, just don’t place any blame on him.
lack of communication tends to lead to misunderstandings.

Reply December 17, 2014, 2:41 am


What if I accidentally friend-zoned a guy I really like? How do I remedy that? I told him my feelings, but later was told by others that it sounded like a friend-zone…

Reply December 13, 2014, 3:01 am


I have liked my fitness trainer for about seven months. I must say that the age gap is pretty big- I am 17 and he is in his 25. I know it sounds crazy because I am so young and still so immature and I probably would have thought that if someone of his age dated so young girl is just crazy. But being at the place of that girl it doesn’t seem that absurd. I guess i fell for him because of the way he treated me. I honestly don’t have almost any experience with dating or flirting. Because of that I guess it was so easy for me to develop feeling towards him. It all started when he drew a heart with an arrow on my arm. On couple other occaisions he drew also other things on my arms. With the time we became closer and he started to share his story with me-about a year go he broke up with his girlfriend which was 7 years old than him and which he dated for 5 years. I know that he is way more experienced than me but when we are together I don’t feel like the age difference is a problem. I am not sure but I think he was flirting with me-for example when i told him I was going to take a break from the fitness he said that then he should hug me also when we were texting he was ending his messeges with I am sending you a hug and sweet dreams. So I fell for him and I think this is my first time liking someone so much. For birthday he said that he was going to a CD of my favourite band but a day before my birthday he told me he had a dilema whether to do something but if he did it he would throw a bomb and so I never received my present. I was feeling really down so I deceited to share my feeling with him and his reply was that he is not ready for a relationship,he is may trainer and can’t afford something like that , he hopes he hasn’t lead me on and he has a special attidute towards me. That happend a few months ago. Now I still like him and have a hard time getting over him.Nothing has really changed in our relations and sometimes I train with him. Recently he complemented me on looking good and having ice leggings…But also he asked me whether I had a boyfriend and when I told him I hadn’t he asked why and then said who is he to judje since he doesn’t have himself. That really hurt my feelings because it seems like all I have said to him meant nothing for him like he doesn’t even remember it. It just really sucks your first love to be unrequited.I really don’t know what to do. I am not sure whether I want to forget him or try to pursue him.Please share your advice with me!I’d be really thankful.

Reply December 5, 2014, 11:13 pm


This article is amazing but my situation is a bit different. For starters he is literally my best friend and has been for 12 years. We met when we were 12 and have grown up together and along the way have become inseparable. People always joked about our relationship and to be honest, we never agreed with them and were 100% platonic. Until last year, after telling him that I was going on a date with one of his good friends, he told me he had feelings for me. I obviously questioned the timing, but it allowed me to finally explore that idea I have been shutting out for so long and came to terms with the fact that this is what I’ve wanted all along. After about a month and a half of ups and downs after this realization, we finally hooked up on New Years – talk about cliche haha – and continued to do so for about 4 weeks. Then suddenly, it all just stopped. And me being the awkward girl that I am, never questioned it and just went back to normal being friends. Since then hes been with other girls, and I with like 1 other guy and I am stuck in this awkward limbo of not knowing what I want from him or if I even do want him like that. He definitely isnt interested but his friends say things like “If you get a boyfriend he would totally be depressed” its so tough! Were 24 and I just wanna know whats going to happen! A part of me wants it so bad but another part thinks it is such a horrible idea. How is it possible to go sooo back to normal and back to our old relationship after all that happening?

Reply December 4, 2014, 4:13 pm


Having is the beginning of losing, which means only when you have somethin you can lose it. So maybe the part of you that said it’s a horrible idea is also thinking that if you are into deeply you may gonna lose each other at the end. But you never know the end until you try it! So be brave! Regret having done something is much better than regreting not to do. Just talking to him your feeling!

Reply December 12, 2014, 7:14 am


My situation is slightly different;

I started going on dates with a guy I was in a musical with. (I’m 25). He initiated everything along the way. We were going on dates and hanging out for about 3 weeks and then all of a sudden, things slowly dissipated. His ex girlfriend, whom he admittedly had residual feelings for, came back to college (the only reason they broke up was the summer distance) and within the two weeks she moved back he took me on one date and then nothing. He stopped texting and being flirtatious at practice. When I asked (later) if that was the reason he and I didn’t progress into a relationship (we had talked about it, but he said he was undecided) he said it was because, “the feeling needed to accompany a long-term relationship weren’t there”. So now I’m friendzoned. We are more like acquaintance friends, and his ex (who doesn’t want a relationship, but will hang out with him) usually comes to hang out when we’re all in a group.

My question is: if things don’t work out with her (and I’ve already begun dating another guy, who also hangs out with all of us), is this even a possibility that he would reconsider later in life? Or was there sincerely no connection on his end?

My assumption is that he couldn’t stay connected when his heart still longed for her. He owes it to himself to see where they could go…and any girl he dates after her deserves his full attention, so he definitely is doing the right thing by seeing it through to whatever end. But is there even a possibility he’d be interested enough to give it another chance should circumstances change and the opportunity present itself?

Sorry it’s so long. Thanks so much.

Reply December 1, 2014, 8:29 am


I should clarify that when I say “we all hang out”, I mean the guy I use to go on dates with, his ex girlfriend, about 6 of our mutual friends, me and the guy I’m with at the moment.

Also, when I asked him why our relationship didn’t progress I specifically asked, “did you lose interest, or was it that you just had to pursue your ex and see where that went?”

Lastly, let me also clarify that in the 3 weeks we hung out, he and I watched his favorite t.v. show, watched our favorite movies, got ice cream, drove to practice together, made out multiple times and things didn’t seem to be going different until literally the week his ex moved back…we did have a discussion about the possibility of a relationship. He said, “I just wanna make sure that this is something I could being long-term”.

Reply December 1, 2014, 8:42 am


hi,m sorry mine is out of topic regarding what u talked kind like confused about something.My ex boyfriend left me without a reason past few months.Since we chat but not flirt,i asked him why he ignored me till i shifted away too and his answer was “i dont know dear,iwas just being stupid”….what does that even mean.This guy never appologised for his acts even on this day,next thing he says he wana visit me at my apartment,he’s acting like we cool.I never got a simple decent appology from him but he expects me to fall for his plea.Its freaking annoying that he never appologised yet he wana come to my place.What should i really do and what is the meaning of all this.please help :-( .

Reply November 23, 2014, 2:33 pm


Tell him you want to talk about how things broke down between the two of you, and where he expects to go with things in the future. Talk about what direction you want the relationship to go in. Express your feelings and thoughts. Get him to express his as well.

Communication is essential, be willing to talk about things calmly and clearly. If he downright refuses you should probably reconsider his potential as a bf, but if he’s just having trouble expressing himself, give him the opportunity to do so clearly. Make sure you come to a mutual understanding.

Reply November 24, 2014, 1:58 am


I suggest you two talk it over. I mean… Its simple. Here are a few questioning points / talking points

1. Start the conversation with something along the lines of,”I kinda missed you” (kind of cheesy i know but it works….)
2. If he says something like,”I don’t know what to say i missed you too.” Ask him if you want to get back together. If he says something like,”I kinda think we should stay friends.” tell him Ok and wait it out and take this guys advice.

I know it wasn’t much but it was some advice.

Reply December 18, 2014, 3:58 pm


I’m a guy and I am in a friendzone situation with this girl. Her and I have been in a close friendship for 4 or 5 years. It’s become solid. Over the past years; her and I have been through A LOT and yet we’re still going. I have IN THE PAST Said to her on occasions: “Do you see us ever becoming more than just friends?” A few several occasions I did this. And every time she said something like “Um… Nahh… I think we’ll just remain good friends” Ok, So I know now not to speak about it, other wise it’s just gonna ruin the chance completely. Through out this year, she has become more ‘open’ with me and acting differently than she normally would. That needs a lot of explaining. (I would like it if the author of this website could email me and I could discuss further in how she has changed.) I’ve felt and seen that she has interest in me. She denies it with her words, and her actions say differently. I feel that she does love me deep down and wants to be with me, and same here for me, but she wants to remain good friends for now until her and I are a little older. She is quite immature and insecure at the moment in her life about the topic of guys and love. So it seems she is confused for her age, how she would like this relationship to go. Because her actions have showed stuff that indicated CLEARLY that she has interest in me. It’s a long story and a lot to explain. I’m the ONLY guy though that she sees basically. She is the type of person who normally catches up with ‘just girls’ and is awkward when it comes to ‘guys’. But because of the 4 year friendship,her and I have developed…. So much trust and love and commitment has grown over these years that I’m the only guy she sees in her spare time. She only has 2 good friends. Me and this other friend of her whose a girl. It’s a long story. So basically at the moment, I am in a friendzone relationship with her, it used to be a definite in this area but nowadays it’s become more like a “Yeah… If you wait a bit… it’ll happen” Sort of answer. I know and believe that the relationship is meant for when we are older giving us time to each grow and mature. But to the guy who wrote all this great info out, I wonder if I could talk to you some more and grab your thoughts and advice. Is that possible? Please? Thank you.

Reply November 14, 2014, 4:04 pm


i have been in this situation for five years now and i had no clue iabout any of this stuff that happened in this

Reply October 16, 2014, 3:11 pm


How do you get out of the friend zone with a guy who lives with you? I was the one that put him in the friend zone because I was engaged when we met. He moved from Florida to Virginia to live with me when I asked him to make a fresh start after his divorce was finalized. He was without a job at that time and his best friend has told me that he has told her he is very interested in me in a romantic sense but wants to get to a place in life where he knows he can support me and my children before actually making a move. Now that he has a job, even though it has only been a week, how can I give him that little push to go for it without scaring him off? Living together makes it a little harder because we can’t give each other the space necessary.

Reply October 15, 2014, 10:59 am


There is a guy,when i was very young i crushed on him and i know that he also liked me,he was my classmate,we didn’t talked but we used to communicate through body signs and he also teased me through gestures but after 4 yrs he went abroad without confess his loved for me….thereafter we used to chat in Facebook but after 2yrs he came back to homecountry. I was waiting for his confession but he didn’t, my heart was broked and at that time one guy purposed me and i accept him because of anger,i was in relationship with him for 2yr,the one whom i was crushed i started to think about him again and i broked with my bf…now when i gives hints to my crush he ignores me now..i even don’t know he loves me or not… should i let him go or wait for his love? ?

Reply September 26, 2014, 12:32 am


yeah, wait for him… Ha! How long do you have? do you want to ruin the rest of your life? MOOOOOVVVVE OOOONNNNN!

Reply October 28, 2014, 1:00 am


yeah!!! trying to move on….but still love him :(

Reply December 4, 2014, 8:16 pm


I think I get you

Reply January 30, 2016, 1:56 am


Yup, been there, done that, and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt when things did not work out between me and my best male friend it was more painful and heartbreaking than almost every other breakup I’d add with an actual boyfriend. Our extremely close and emotionally intense friendship was exactly the way Eric described; “You get along better with him than anyone else. You “get” each other. He’s the only guy that you’ve ever felt truly understands you and with whom you can truly be yourself. He’s cute, he’s funny and when he’s around you, he completely let’s his guard down. You get to see him as the man he truly is – an unguarded version of himself that he hides from the world and only seems to let you see.
You trust each other. You might even say that you love each other. And you love every little thing about him… you can talk for hours or even just be with each other in silence… and you know exactly what the other person is thinking.” That was my friendship with “Steve.” The funny thing is while I always thought he was physically cute, in 4 years of friendship I never thought of him as boyfriend material. I just didn’t see us working as a couple and didn’t feel that ‘chemistry’ with him. But that all changed one summer after we both graduated university (we were in the same program) and we had an unusually close relationship that summer. I was going through some very emotional and difficult times and he was my rock and confidante. It just so happened he was going through some different issues, but equally difficult ones and I was there for him every step of the way. It was as if we actually WERE boyfriend and girlfriend but without the physical aspect. And suddenly it hit me how much I loved him and couldn’t imagine my life without him and an explosion of emotions and sexual feelings for him just took off. Meanwhile I was getting strong indications he was feeling the same way. He was frequently complimenting my physical appearance, and flirting sexually; endlessly talking about how great I was as a person and how much he valued me in his life. One night things came to a head when we were hanging out at his place and he confessed that he was having conflicting feelings; “Sometimes I think of you as my best friend, and how much I care about and need you, but mostly these days I can’t stop thinking about getting into your pants. But I’m so scared to lose you…I’d be so afraid to take it to the next level.” And with that I promptly confessed my feelings for him and we ended up fooling around (not sleeping together though) for the first time in 4 years of knowing each other. It was amazing (as far as I was concerned). You would think this would be a match made in heaven. Well 3 days later he was supposed to come over to my place for supper (and probable sleepover) and he bailed. What ensued was a 3 hour emotional phone call with him saying that as much as he loves me, he feels that we are “too close” to be romantic and that our closeness is so deep he views me as family, like a sister. Huh????? WTF???? Since when do you have sexual thoughts about your sister and act on them? This made no sense to me. Because the whole reason we both developed romantic feelings in the first place is BECAUSE of how close we became!! We both ended up crying on the phone with me repeating over and over “But I love you! I love you so much!” and him responding with “I love you very much too….as a sister.” I was beyond devastated. We had been through so much together in 4 years of friendship and were heavily intertwined in each others’ lives. We knew each other inside out and he hadn’t had a girlfriend for years (but had counselled me on several relationships I had had during that time), and had always told me that I was the best girl he had known in years. I didn’t want to be with ANY other guy and couldn’t picture my life without him. The thought of him marrying another woman broke my heart. At the end of that summer, for unrelated reasons he had to move to another city about 200 miles away. He left town and from that moment on his entire demeanour changed with me. He became cold and distant and would go weeks at a time without sending me a single email. Between the geographical distance and the awkwardness that he clearly felt after we “crossed the line” it was apparent the friendship we had had was dead. Weeks turned into months with no contact. The next year he came into town and contacted me out of the blue and took me out for dinner. All the emotions came flooding back and I ended up bursting into tears in the restaurant. At that point I was over the romantic aspect, but was devastated that we had lost an incredible 4-year soulmate-type friendship because we were stupid enough to cross that line. That was the last time I ever saw him. Heartbroken, and wanting him to reach out to me, I never contacted him again, but hoped that he would contact me and try and get our friendshipe back on track. He never did. That was exactly 10 years ago. I eventually got over it, but to be honest when I think about what a needless loss it was I could still cry. Deep, meaningful, close friendships like that only come around a few times in a lifetime so it still pains me to think that we lost it because we couldn’t move on after having gotten physically involved. So I would say to anyone contemplating this to proceed with EXTREME caution. And the more you value that person as a friend, the more you should seriously consider not doing it. Unless it is clear that you are both 100% absolutely in love with each other and have both stated that you cannot imagine being with anyone else…I wouldn’t do it. It’s just not worth the risk. :(

Reply September 6, 2014, 9:12 am



Reply August 29, 2014, 2:10 pm


You need to be rational. Don’t think about it from an emotional point of view. Look at the positives of just being friends.

From my perspective, I’d much rather keep a friend that I get along with like no other, instead of walking away because of something like this. I’d rather be happy and enjoy myself and the time I spend with this friend, as opposed to being caught up in a whirlwind of emotional turbulence.
Don’t think of them as the missing piece of the puzzle, you need to be complete as an individual before you can ever hope to ‘complete’ someone else’s life. The same should go them.

Hope this helps.

Reply August 29, 2014, 6:18 pm


it does help … but i think if 2 people are attracted to each other and have so much in common why not risk it … at the end if it does not work out i think at this age (32) we are mature enough to stay friends,,, i mean me and my ex husband are really good friends and have no kids to tie us together we just are …

Reply September 11, 2014, 2:29 pm


I think I friendzoned this guy, cuz I was in love with someone else when we met. He dated other girls along the way. All of this in like two years. Then we had a big fight at some point and didn’t speak for a year, but after that I found myself being the one to reach out mostly and that kind of hurt, but when we eventually sat down to talk, he apologized profusely for hurting me and looked genuinely sad and seemed like he missed me, but it still puzzled me and hurt that I had to do all the work. (Same night, my ex came around and I ignored him for my ex cuz I still only missed the friendship and just saw him as a friend). We (friend and I) patched things up afterwards and it seemed our friendship was back to normal till another guy literally walked in and I ended up dating him, and he kinda had to watch cuz we hung out at “our spot” (where me and my guy friend used to hang a lot). I thought nothing of it, although he acted a bit weird about and withdrew, because I just always feel if a guy likes you, he will say so, ask you on a date or step up his game.

Long story short, that relationship ended after almost a year and I sought him out for a friendship again, we finally hung out, but this night was different. He looked so good and he turned on the charm and I liked it. He was very attentive, touchy feely, took control and we had so much fun my cheekbones hurt the next day from laughing and smiling. We kissed in front of everyone and it felt good. I was a bit drunk so I just remember the kiss feeling natural (as he described a kiss we had once like 2yrs before- was drunk, don’t remember it) there were no fireworks or butterflies, maybe cuz I just got my heartbroken not too long ago, but it felt safe and good. Asked if he liked me and he said “you know I do”, response in my head; “I’m not psychic”, but I asked him why he never said so, and I unfortunately do not remember his response, but I know mine was “I like being your friend”. That night, I got scared by the feelings and chucked them up as loneliness and I immediately blamed the alcohol in a text, declined as invite to hang a day later and tried to keep the friend vibe, again being the one initiating all conversations.

I’m finally tired of initiating and I’m going to pull away, but the problem is; that night is stuck in my head and I’m staring to realize that I adore him and I’ve just been scared of losing the friendship. Not sure what to do, since he didn’t really follow up after the kiss or bring it up. All my guy friends say I can’t bring it up cuz I’ll look desperate. I know I sound crazy but I feel like I will regret not trying with him, so what do I do in this complex situation. How do I get him to ask me out? (forgive all grammatical errors, typing fast at work)

Reply August 26, 2014, 9:53 am


I absolutely agree! :-). For myself I to realize after dating this guy for 3 years and he kept getting caught up with women i said enough for me! I explauned to him that I love myself a lil more to think that I would even allow such with that in hand i decided to except being friends. And if he wants more than he would have to make preparation for me. He now opens doors, and I got an invite for lunch with a walk to the car and a kiss. How we can change the tune only if we as women listen.i like your views Eric Charles. Keep ministering to us :-)!

Reply August 17, 2014, 8:08 am


this is great advice.
I was just wondering if there is anything different that you might add about a guy who says he isn’t looking for a relationship at the moment.
Either way, I feel like your above points are all relevant. So thank you for putting this article together.


Reply August 13, 2014, 4:36 pm


This is such a great article, very true. However, It took a while before it sink into my mind, it is because i wasn’t in reality, and my mind wasn’t prepared. But once you have accepted the fact, you will see the core of this article. Very helpful! Thanks.

Reply August 9, 2014, 5:59 pm


Thank you for this great article! My best guy friend and I have a very deep, close friendship and it has been this way for almost 2 years, however, we have had limited in person time because we go to different colleges (he does drive down to see me and vice versa during breaks and we skype often, though). I know he has applied for a job where I live as he is graduating soon and I know that he intends to marry his best one day which are all points in my favor-there is clearly a connection and attraction. However, he hasn’t initiated any sort of relationship with me, yet. How do I push him over this edge he’s teetering on?

Reply August 5, 2014, 7:46 pm


Hi :)my situation is very complicated. First of all, i have a bestfriend boy. And without controling it,my heart suddendly started beating faster when i saw him or texted him. Soo,i kinda like him badly(i didn’t tell him my feelings for him). And i found out that he liked me back. But for some religious reasons and because our parents were close,I felt that i had to friendzone him(and i did) I regret it !!!!!!and he got over his feelings for me afer a few weeks and for some again religious reasons, his family couldin’t go to our same church. so we kinda stopped seeing eachother. a few days ago, he asked for my advice about girls because he liked another one!! My heart broke in a milion pieces and because i feel HE IS THE RIGHT GUY FOR ME i’m asking you PLEASE tell me what should i do to make him like me back again :'(

Reply July 15, 2014, 6:19 pm


Several things can be going on here:
1. He didn’t really like you that much in the first place if he got over you that quickly
2. He still likes you, but is repressing those feelings by moving on
3. He still likes you and is trying to make you take him back
In this situation, it would be best to be honest. You gain nothing from not saying anything, and if he does still likes you, you are potentially losing out on the love of your life. So be honest to him, but don’t make it all crazy and dramatic. Just simply tell him you like him and don’t scare him.

Reply August 19, 2014, 10:21 pm


I’m in love with my bestfriend (a guy) and I finally told him how I feel..that was not the greatest idea .he said he does not like me that way..I cried forver because it hurts.. so imma bout to use the steps .Thnx Eric

Reply July 8, 2014, 10:24 pm


I can honestly say this works, and from the receiving end too. When I was in high school this guy had the hugest crush on me and I didn’t realize because he was one of my best friends. When he finally confessed to me I told him he was like a brother to me so he let it go and we stayed friends. After graduation we went our seperate ways and recently we got back in contact with each other and things are completely different. The space we had allowed me to stop seeing him as a brother figure and start seeing him as a man, and now we’re going pretty hot and heavy. I can say I was pleasantly surprised by the effect he has on me now, but we’re both so different and I suppose finally ready to enjoy each other.

Reply June 25, 2014, 1:11 pm


I GOT OUT OF NOT ONLY THE FRIENDZONE BUT THE FAMILY ZONE AS WELL, you know that stage you get to when he says he’ll never see you as anything other than a sister figure. Well I followed these steps a few months ago, and I followed ALL of them. I figured I really had nothing to lose, either I got him or I got a guy better. Tonight I finally stepped out of the friendzone when he kissed me goodnight and it wasn’t just a Peck kiss either, it was really passionate. These steps worked and basically I’M writing this to say THANK YOU. I was stuck in the friendzone for 3 years and just like that he was interested. Thank you so much for your advice!!

Reply June 19, 2014, 7:32 am

Eric Charles

That makes me really happy to hear. That’s awesome, good job. :)

Reply June 19, 2014, 12:51 pm


Hi. I have been best friends with this guy for a long time now and we are really close we have slept together we hang out all the time and he always says he does not want a girlfriend and then he sends me messages saying he loves me and misses me. He has me so confused. One minute he don’t want a girlfriend and the next he has a girlfriend but its not me. He is so sweet and so good to me and I think he really likes me and just doesn’t want to come out and say he does. He don’t like to talk about things. I am also 13 years older. I feel in love witj him during the three months we were supposed to be friends sleeping together. He always sends me sweet messages and I don’t know what to do. Any advice. I think about him all the time. We hang out on his lunch break. Please help

Reply June 18, 2014, 12:49 pm


My guy and broke up in January we as engaged two days later he was with another girl this hurt me so bad and I’m still hurting.April she went to jail and going to be there for about 4 or 5 months. The day she went to jail he was at my door. We been together ever since April after a month I told him I couldnt see him no more because he told me he just wanted to be friends with benefits told him I was to in love with him to do it anymore 3 weeks went by and he started calling and texting again we got back together and he said less see where it goes so I agreed because I could still be with him well we were texting last Wednesday and he said don’t ever call me again I said ok if that’s the way u.want it then he started calling and I wouldnt answer Thr phone then he text and said please answer the phone he called three more times I texted told him to just leave me alone . We having spoke in 4 days and its killing me not to be able to talk to him see I’m scared he’s going to go back to his new girlfriend that he broke up with Mr for when she gets out of jail I feel like he using me for sex until she gets out. So I told him to leave me alone tovtdy and avoid some if the hurt I’m going to ho through when he leaves me again for her he told Mme he was going to wait for her to get out but then hes with Mr so I’m confused as what I need to do let him go or fight to be with him I feel like he’s my soulmate for life we click we fit its just like its suppose to be when were together I feel it when he looks at me but then this back and forth stuff is drivingme nuts.its got to stop I’m happy one week and crying Thr next.

Reply June 16, 2014, 2:05 am


Thanks for this excellent advice., Eric, so, so helpful and timely. Instinctively I’ve started to do just this, but seeing it set out so clearly, and pulling no punches, was exactly what I needed. Let me tell the women out there, from a place here on the front line of ‘getting out of the friend zone’ in this way, it is HARD WORK. Last night, for example, I only slept for 2 hours. I probably cried for at least 3. I have noticed, however, that he is texting me more – out of the blue, and saying more in his texts (though if only he wouldn’t sometimes put a kiss – X, and sometimes just a smiley face… for an over-analytical type like me, that’s a version of hell!)

Briefly, my story is that we met at a party… and then he THREW himself at me over a period of weeks. I felt like a bulldozer was coming for me. Never experienced anything like it. I thought he wanted more, but it seemed he didn’t. We met for coffee a few times after we ‘did the deed’ and he talked about his (heartbreaker) ex and about how he and I just ‘went with the flow’ so well, but I could see I was overwhelming him – I’m just so darn friendly and helpful! I treated him like a friend – male or female – but for me that’s REALLY friendly. My friends and I are all really into communication and meeting up!

He started to brush me off (I understood this as I’d recently sent scarily similar brush-off texts to the other guy I was seeing when I met him…) Eventually, after I felt my heart was broken, and I spent my days crying and trying not to throw up and taking baths, and we were barely in touch, I texted him to say I wished him well, had genuine affection for him, had no expectations of him, and that if we eventually had a coffee in a year, a decade, ten years, then jolly good. Take care! The guy texts back: how about Wednesday?

I met him – doing actually the opposite of the advice here (sorry!): I didn’t, for once, dress up. I didn’t even brush my hair that morning. He took my hand, said ‘you weren’t a one night stand for me, you know…’ And he invited me over. Over the last two months this has developed into a once a week ‘date’ at his house for movies, popcorn, and… more. Wild stuff. Hot and heavy. For a while. Except now he is totally into the snuggling. He loves to snuggle. And talk. For three weeks we’ve snuggled on the sofa, talked, and fallen asleep in each others arms. He tells me everything about his heartbreak, his emotions, his thoughts, his passions, his hobbies. He is very affectionate and tender with me. He has friend-zoned me!

Yet we never meet outside the house. Just our once a week snuggle-bubble.

By now, of course, because he’s told me EVERYTHING and bared his soul, I don’t just think he’s hot and interesting, but my heart is an ooey-gooey mess, and so long as I can stare rapturously at his slightly crooked teeth (hey, I’m in England, we all have crooked teeth here!) I am happy.

Tonight there are some bands playing. He’s going, to film a friend’s band. He texted me – out of the blue – to say what time the band was playing, but he didn’t ask if I was going, or say ‘hope to see you there…’ he’s friend-zoned me but ain’t so friendly! I want to avoid him, give him ‘space’, but I also want to go to the gig! My friends are going. So I’m getting dressed to the nines and going to the gig, and will greet him as a friend and then get back to my friends. That’s it. I won’t be coy. I won’t play games. But I need to get on with living my life. And that means neither avoiding him nor trying to see him. It means, in this small city, sometimes being in the same place at the same time. Maybe this is the wrong approach, and I SHOULD avoid him. But feeling good, ‘filling myself up’ and enjoying my own fabulous, communicative, exciting friends is part of that!

But it’s painful. It’s agony! I really feel my heart is broken in a billion pieces even though I get to hold this guy in my arms. And I know there is a big chance of it never going anywhere more. But Eric is right – you’ve got to get out there – be you, live your life, even if it’s hard at first and hurts like hell. Begin to move on… and see what happens. Maybe I’ll WANT to move on, after a while. Oh, happy day!

Thanks again! Good luck to everyone.

Reply May 2, 2014, 2:44 pm


This has helped a lot. I have been in the friend-zone for 2 years with my guy. I really like him a lot and want the next steps but for whatever reason he pulls back whenever we start to get close. We have plans together thru the next 2 years…so I knwo he cares for me. I just gott aaccept it or move on. But I do want more.

Reply April 28, 2014, 2:05 pm


Ericcccc :* :* you are a life saver to me, i spoiled all of my day today lookin for something like this and finally I found it, Your article is simply superb and guess what I am already losing interest in him :D ;) well my situation is a lil more idiotic I must say, my friend and Me have something really weird and attracting, he flirts wid me, we kno each others pasts and i asked him to marry me :-/ i always had a crush on him n he knew it all the while, newys he asked me to have a relationship with him and i refused because i knew he was trying to date some other cleopatra :-/ .. n wen i try and maintain distance on group chats he tries so hard to get me talking to him, tries to annoy me, tries to put me down anything and everything so that i would talk or atleast fight.but personal chat he acts so hell cold.. but i think id rather let go the thought and MOVE ON. he is making his life and my life miserable because he is unsure of his feelings.

Reply April 6, 2014, 7:10 am

My heart is breaking slowly

My bf of 3 years just broke up with me. We met in church and he chased after me. He has a lot of responsibility to his family cuz of his culture, but we had a great relationship, he acknowledges the connection, that he is still in love with me. I am giving him space now, but I did feel that love for him it was actually exciting because we weren’t supposed to be affectionate cuz we broke up. Since the breakup I realized I contributed to it somewhat because he was already under so much pressure, and I relied on him too much even tho I did a lot for him he was able to depend on me too. But I didn’t keep my life going and complained and sobbed about the negativity in my life. It was just school and work the transition was hard and I didn’t handle it like a woman. But things r better now for me, I’m back to doing wat makes me happy, and he has seen a little of that. I feel guilty I wasn’t strong enough for him now it’s been 2 weeks since the breakup and I want to know how can I make him feel safe with me? Let him know I’m working to be better for myself but I truly love him, how can I take the pressure off of commitement? And how can I make him feel free if we get back together? I don’t wanna loose him he treated me like a queen was there for me wen I had nothing now my life is going good how can I make him see I won’t weigh him down and add to his life?

Reply March 26, 2014, 6:50 am


I fell in love with my best guy friend a LOOOONG time ago. I stupidly confused my feelings for him he rejected me. I started dating this other guy (who I have now been with for 3 years) but sometimes I still yearn and wish I was with my best friend. Alot of people think he likes me but just was scared to mess up the relationship. I think that is stupid. He recently asked how my current relationship is going and I said its okay. He then asked if I still liked him I said “No you made it clear you never like me, right?” He said yeah true. we changed the subjects and he later said if I was sure I didn’t like him anymore. I said I was but truth is even though this guy I am with is great and all part of me will ALWAYS want my best friend. Is that bad? How can I let go completely? Should I even let go? Does my friend like me? Why would he ask so much.
Anyway thank for your time (who ever reads this) hope you have a good week.

Reply March 25, 2014, 12:10 am



Hope you will read this. What about younger guys? Do the same things apply to them? I’m crushing on a guy 5 yrs younger than me. He’s in his early 20’s and I’m in late. I don’t think I’m in the friend zone category because we’ve only known each other for over a month but we do text and have hung out once with a mutual friend. He flirts like crazy over texts but then ignores me at times in person. He’ll speak to me but will be distant and then asks for hugs and says well talk soon. I just got out of a 10 YEAR relationship so im definitely not looking for anything serious at the moment but I have developed feelings for him. He is fun, so into life and yea a little immature at times but I’m ok with it. He makes me view life differently. I find this young guy very attractive. I haven’t opened my options on dating more which I will but this young guy confuses me. Have you written about the younger guys yet?

Thanks for the great advice and tips! I look forward to reading your blog.

Reply January 13, 2014, 9:45 am


Hi Eric,
I like your article. When I read these reasons why I´m in friend zone, It made me feel like you talking about me.
Two weeks ago I started following those steps. It is hard because I see him every day in work .
First step: I was backing off. I don´t stay to talk in the same room where he is. I finish my thing and leave. Usually we were sitting and talking all the time and I needed to back off. I were acting with him like his buddy. I try to be like a woman not his buddy, that is why I don´t stay in the same room with him. I don´t ignore him.
But yesterday when he pass by me, he did not look in my eye. Is he mad? Or this is his normal reaction? Maybe I´m doing something wrong?
Of course I follow other steps to.

Reply November 21, 2013, 5:59 am


Dearly adored n respected Eric,
Loved ur article to the core! Especially the “damaged goods phenomenon”. It was as if u r narrating my own story! A guy getting out of a breakup having my support to gather up yet finding someone else to date n fall for!
Now not that I am just friendzoned but also he is in a relationship n what hurts the most is that what my 4 month old close friendship didn’t get him a 2week old relationship bought out of him. He is about to marry this very new girl in his life. Talked to her parents and already planning marriage! I am the one who has been destined to crush over this guy 4 years jus to end up as a close friend. I have stopped talking to him yet it makes less difference due to the girl that fills him up, where we used to talk daily now just once every week. I used to chat with him on the phone n this is true that I never went out on a date with him so no sexual tent ion developed. Well I belong to a conservative family n dating ain’t our thing so guess that ruined it. Yet ur first step helped him to majorly get over the crush n start excepting him as a friend.
Jus in ur opinion, I want to know should I leave it to destiny or should try something! My time is fully devoted to work n pampering myself. Now he has asked me to help him with some lessons, I haven’t dates other guys yet so should I Tart helping him or continue ur guide line on being friendly with his friends (that e also interested in me)???
Your reply would be gr8ky appreciated mate.

Reply November 17, 2013, 7:17 pm


This is spectacular advice! I do have a question, erm, a few actually. The guy I like I’ve known since we were in primary school together. I’ve been in and out of his life being really good mates at some points then at others we hardly talk. I’ve suspected he might fancy me at some points during or childhood but it’s been so on and off I can’t tell if those feelings could remain. On top of that I have a psychiatric disorder that can really alter my behaviour for the worse which he doesn’t know about. And so I get the feeling he doesn’t trust me completely, nor should he have before. Now I’m getting mental health treatment and making changes in my life like my diet, wardrobe, exercise and taking pills for my disorder. We go to church together and occasionally he and his mum will drive me there. The guy’s parents like me but he seems kind of distant. But he does always message me immediately after I message him. He just went through a break up a few months back which seemed pretty bad seeing as everything was deleted from Facebook and they aren’t even friends anymore and his best friend just left for uni far away from here so he’s been feeling down about that lately.

Is there anything I can do as a kind of pal to show that I can be a great fit for him and that I can be a good support for my friends or just become better friends with him? Because even if we don’t get into a romantic relationship I’d love to just have him as a friend. I mean we already have a similar sense of humour, similar interests, follow the same faith even if our beliefs are a bit different, and even the same course of study at uni. And when we do talk we laugh a lot and have a really nice interesting conversation but it’s rare because I have a generally difficult time taking to anyone because of my mental illness and he’s on the shy side. Sorry if I’m blathering too much. I just want to give a fuller scope of my situation. What do you think?

Reply November 9, 2013, 12:33 pm


Sorry, just wanted to make sure that I am going to receive e-mail notification on replies.

Reply November 9, 2013, 1:02 pm


Great article!!! I was in the friend zone with a guy I really liked for a while, and I found that only after I gave him some distance and was able to separate myself from the situation that he came back into my life and now we’re dating! What also helped was the book “How To Get Out of the Friend Zone” (you can find it on amazon here: which I really recommend to anyone in this situation, it has step-by-step advice and so many great tips and it actually worked!

Reply October 30, 2013, 9:16 pm

hopeless case

Thanks Eric for this advice. I read it a while ago when I was sick of the friend zone and sure no one else would do but the man I liked. I stuck to every detail. The only way I altered the directions was that I gave up on the guy in earnest and decided he wasn’t what I wanted, beyond the friendship. So then he decided to become what I wanted, and we are together still. I think your readers need to be advised, however, that if they follow your advice they’d better be careful what they wish for. It’s powerful stuff.

Himself and I were lifelong acquaintances, friends for 5 years, nothing had ever come of it. It was a long shot, let me tell you. Although he flirted with me, he also flirted with everyone. He was the biggest player in town, and because I knew him so well as a friend, I would not trust him for a casual thing. The streets of my town were paved with hearts he’d broken. There are 5 girls in town who are thinner than me and he’s dated each and every one of them, so I was intimidated by the superficial stuff, although I never showed it except by staying out of his bed. But over time I realized he saw something special about the friendship he had with me, so I went for it.

I dated people, dressed well, did the best with the looks I have. Every time I ran into my friend, he’d prolong the evening, taking me to eat after the bars closed, and saying good night as the sun came up. We had so much to talk about. He could not stop telling me how beautiful I was or how much he respected everything about me. But he was a player and of course he talked this way. “Quit that malarkey! With a player like you, I don’t stand a chance!” I’d say to flirt with him. But then I’d see him charming all my other friends, out on a date with another girl. I actually gave up on him. He was having his fun with me, making me want him more and more. He had no idea he was hurting me.

It came down to his other girlfriends. He told me he had feelings for me and I gently spoke my mind. “Your words say you like me, but your actions speak louder, and say you are not a one-woman man. But as your friend I respect that you are incapable of monogamy. I like you anyway, I’m just not a side dish. How can you even look at me and see me as a side dish? No, you say you like me but you like everyone. That’s ok, your friendship is a priceless joy I’m already happy to have. Someday somebody will know I’m the main course and all the other courses, and he’ll win my heart. You don’t know a good thing when it’s next to you, so go enjoy all your nameless sluts lines up around the corner.”

I wasn’t prepared for his next move. “You want actions?” he said, and tried to kiss me every time I saw him. He broke up with other girls he used to always go out with. He stopped kissing other girls on the cheek just to say hello, stopped flirting with everyone. He started calling me every night and keeping me on the phone for 4 hours. He talked about his values, his family, his dreams, which were all perfectly complementary to my own. He made jokes about marrying me and having kids with me. I loved it but I tried not to take him too seriously. Then one night he kissed me and I forgot to slap him.

We’ve been together for 6 months now, and they have been the happiest 6 months of my life. He assures me every day that he never wants to leave me. I’ve learned that he used to act the way he did because he did not think there were still women like me, and he thought I was too good for him. We communicate well, we can talk about everything. Our biggest ongoing relationship problem is that we hate to get out of bed. He is the only one who can handle me. My life has changed. He’ll see a photo from three years ago and whisper, “Remember that? Guess what, I was just as much in love with you back then!” I wish everyone could know this happiness. It’s a better world than you know.

Reply October 28, 2013, 8:08 pm

Joanie ikaika

Absolutely hands down the best advice I have ever in my life heard on the topic. You ended five years of me sitting there wondering what the hell was going on with this guy … Makes it so much easier to realize that it’s not me he’s having a hard time loving … It’s himself… And since I know him in and out its easier to keep escaping to women who don’t, and I watch him get hurt over and over and then come to me for comfort … I SERIOUSLY appreciate the perspective!

Reply September 8, 2013, 2:01 pm


Hi everyone,
im currently recovering from a break-up initiated by my bf. In the past few months he had some tough time, faced a depression and I somehow absorbed his negative state of spirit, I was his reflection. Hence, I was more quiet than usual and I should not have, I understand it now, that he does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I wish he could give me a second chance so he could see the rest of “me” and im planning to disappear for a while. This is where your advices are so useful.Thank you so much for still giving me hope that maybe he would come back in a while. I have nothing now, so nothing to lose. Thanks again for lifting my spirit up!!

Reply August 15, 2013, 9:25 am


Hi Charles, thanks for the great article. I followed advice #s 1 & 2 and I really enjoyed the process but while I’m doing so, he started making more time for me, trying to make me happy, etc. and I became less concerned on how he sees me. While all that is good and well, we started becoming more intimate after he makes all his efforts. While sex is not a major bargaining chip for me (as I have my own needs sometimes), I feel like it’s getting pretty intense for over 6 months now but we still haven’t acknowledged anything. The problem is I also don’t know if I am ready for a new relationship but I really do want to keep him interested while I’m figuring things out but if he is willing to have a serious relationship, the idea doesn’t bother me because he is a very important part of my life even as a friend alone- which I think is a great foundation. So I guess my question is, how can I continue this great phase without getting hurt at some point? I guess my goal at first was to get out of the friendzone which I think is working halfway but I don’t want us to become one of those friends who were intimate and just stopped at some point.

Reply August 13, 2013, 10:35 pm


I’ve been divorced almost a year now. I have a friend who sends mixed messages. He knows how I feel about him and that I want to be with him. But he also knows that I cherish our friendship and am ok with just friends. He just has to decide what he wants. There has always been chemistry between us. He has told me in the past he loves me and has feelings for me, but he’s worried about the age difference (he’s older) between us and said back in January we should just be friends. I backed off and accepted just being friends. As soon as I backed off he began chasing and pursuing me. However, if I’m too receptive he backs off. Lately he has been calling & texting regularly, often just to say hi or tell me he knows I miss him. He gets jealous when I go out with other guys. I sent him a letter last week that basically said I was confused and didn’t know what he wants from me, that I took him at face value when he said just friends, but calling me baby, telling me he can’t live without me (even if he was quoting a song), and to think of him when I’m kissing other guys makes it seems like he wants more than friendship. I also addressed the age issue. Honestly, I think he is just confused as I am. He texted yesterday saying he read the letter and that we should probably go out to dinner and talk if I still want to. When a girl says we need to talk, it usually spells trouble. What does it mean when a guy says we need to talk?

Reply June 13, 2013, 1:31 pm


Great advice. My friend is “damaged goods” getting out of a hard 30 yr marriage. We’re older (65/ 50) and have been colleagues and friends for years. This past year while he’s been separated we started getting to know each other with weekly lunches (nothing more); he’s attentive and we really enjoy each others company. His pal decided to let him know how I feel about him, called him on our attraction, and asked if he was going to make a move. A resounding “no.” I reacted badly and shot off apologetic, defensive emails to my friend, who then sent me a lovely note about my being great, attractive, funny, smart, a best friend…but could be years before ready for a serious relationship. (I did the same after my divorce) He brought up my age as an issue (same age as wife) which I pointed out as unfair. And he said this was an opportunity for him to do all the things in life he’s wanted. He’s graciously acted like nothing’s happened between us, but I’ve gone from being flirty and fun to shy and embarrassed. After reading this I see that I need to be my confident self, not push, give him space, and move forward with my life while he’s in such turmoil. I know that I need him in my life as he’s the finest man I’ve ever known; so I accept the friend zone. For now. Your article is the best I’ve seen on the subject. Thank you for the bluntness, clarity of the situation, and what to do next.

Reply May 21, 2013, 9:59 am


This is the best article I’ve ever read on the subject. The man I want is “damaged goods” divorcing from a hard 30 year marriage. We’re colleagues and after a year of lunches together a pal told him how I feel, pointed out that everyone sees our chemistry, and asked if he was going to act on it. He said no. My friend then sent me a lovely note about being terrific, attractive, smart, funny, best friends… but that it could be years before he’ll want a serious relationship. I understand as it took me a long time too. Also, he’s older (65 to 50) and expressed concern over my age since it’s the same as his wife’s. Since then he’s graciously acted like nothing happened. Embarrassed, I’ve stepped back because I had no idea how to act moving forward since I’ve always been flirty. Your advice is exactly the right thing for me to do. Not pushing him, giving him space, moving ahead with my life, and not flirting so he doesn’t get uncomfortable. I choose to stay in the friend zone but with more space as it will be the best way to stay in his life; I need him in mine. Thank you so much for spelling it out and for the clarity. Excellent advice.

Reply May 21, 2013, 9:02 am


Ok so this is a “friend zone” situation with a twist. I met a great guy 10 months ago, his brother is dating my best friend. We hit it off pretty well and we got to a point of talking almost daily and we would hang out quite a bit. The one night we had a chat about where we were going, I had been divorced a year before we met and have a 6 year old daughter. He had been single for 2 years and in my opinion came from an abusive relationship. (not that he will admit it but what else do you call it when you have been stabbed in the face with a stiletto shoe by your ex, humiliated in public and beaten up by the indicator stalk in your car that she has ripped out to beat you with, not to mention treating him like dirt. She is a cocaine addict I might add and the relationship lasted 5 years) In a nut shell I didn’t have high expectations of a relationship, firstly because of my divorce status and being a “package deal” and secondly because I knew that he had been in what his family termed “Hermit mode” after the break up with his ex and not socializing with anyone. He lost his business and his car in the process and moved back home with the parents. So I wasn’t surprised when he told me he didn’t want a relationship with anyone.

After telling me all that, which i accepted, he kissed me. Not a peck on the lips either and not only the one time. I told him that I am not the kinda girl that does one night stands or friends with benefits and he said he respects me for that. Anyway, after the kiss, the next day, he got cagey, so I figured he was freaked out and I gave him space. The chatting continued, The next time I saw him everything was back to our normal comfortable, fun friendship. He then told me that I am the type of girl that brings value to his life and he doesn’t want to lose me. In the meantime his psycho ex moved back to town. She tends to ambush him at random and hides out at his house, he has introduced me to her, and I know that they won’t get back together, it just seems that after every ambush from her he is all cagey again. He does tend to complain about her and I once asked him why he tolerated her if she was irritating him so much and he told me that she has no family or friends (except druggies) and that she is always getting herself into dangerous situations and he feels an obligation to help her. I have left it at that, It is not my place to judge but I do see an impact on him when she has been around… in the negative.

I haven’t put pressure on him and I am head over heels in love with him, but here is the rub. He will sleep over at my house, no sex, but he will hold me. We have amazing conversations and he makes me laugh. However, he goes into these modes where he won’t talk to me for a couple of days. He gets visibly uncomfortable when anyone comments on what a lovely couple we are and I have to explain that I am not his girlfriend. He has introduced me to his family, but wont introduce me to his friends. He has told me he loves me, but then ignored me for a week after. Frankly it hurts. I do want more, I just don’t know if he will ever get there. I don’t know how long I should wait, if I should wait at all, or have any clue on what to do. I would be fine to leave things as is if he didn’t blow me off when we have plans to see each other or ignore me for days whenever he gets cagey. It just makes me feel like I am being punished for some unknown sin I appear to have committed. I want a future with him and he is worth waiting for, I just don’t know if he will ever feel the same.

Reply May 6, 2013, 6:45 am


Well, I’m in a similar situation and I’ve been trying to find a solution for about two years and a half… I just wished it would be easier to know what to do…
And I wish you the best! :o)

Reply May 6, 2013, 11:17 am


Thanks for the reply Isa, how do you cope with it though? any practical solutions? I seem to see saw between being ok with how things are and able to understand where he is coming from. (I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years so I can relate to a certain extent on that level) and then the other extreme is sheer frustration and despair. Especially when he gets all flaky on me, blows me off and won’t talk to me for days, things I don’t cope very well with at all. It takes all my self control not to react in a needy or irate manner.

Reply May 7, 2013, 1:54 am


Hi Jen!
Well, I live or have the same dilema. Sometimes I’m ok with the situation (I’m also the person that he turns to, when he needs and with whom he feels safe and happy), because I tend to tolerate a lot of things, mainly because I like him so much. But then, there are sometimes when I can’t deal with it. I have to go away and not be in touch with him. Right now, I’m in that phase. I need some space, so that I can breeth and think things through. It’s not easy to say what is right or wrong, and it’s easy for people to say to leave things and forget. How do you forget someone that you like…or love…? It’s really a dilema and like you say, it takes a lot o self-control, in order to make the right move or say the right thing. If I had the power of controling my feelings… I just felt related to everything that you said. :o) It sounded familiar and it was nice to see that I’m not alone… Sometimes, I feel or I think I’m really naive… :o/

Reply May 7, 2013, 10:12 am


Well…just one more thing. Because I can’t decide to end things up with the guy that I like, I just realised that the only thing in my power and that I can control is my life. So, I decided to end a project that I have in hands (a phd) and I’m going to try to focus on that. I can’t control what he feels about me (and to be honest, I really don’t know what that is; he just tells me that he likes me and that he likes to be around me). Then, I believe in time. I believe that time will ‘find’ a solution. I can’t force him to like me the way that I want him to like me and I can’t force him to choose. At least, I’m not going to do that. I just have to live my life, at the best I can…whether he stays with me…or not. If only things were much easier… Does this make sense to you? : o )

Reply May 7, 2013, 10:29 am


Hi Isa, It does make sense to me and I can relate to it, everything I have read so far however says that we should cut our losses and move on. I just haven’t been able to find anything applicable to this particular situation. I don’t chase after him or lay myself on a platter for him, but the reality is that I am his first point of call when the chips are down. We do talk daily and we have a really great time together. I am limiting my options with this because I really have no idea if we will ever progress as a couple. He is still very reclusive, barely sees any of his friends and it takes a bit of fancy footwork on my side to get him out and about socializing with his friends. He is a really great guy and I know he is hurting. To lose everything he has worked for by the age of 35 is a bitter pill for anyone to swallow. Having the ex around to remind him constantly of what a failure he is all the time also does not help him, or me for that matter. He has told me he loves me, (without coercion) and when asked where we are going with all this he simply states that he is a total F* Up and is in no way capable of giving me what I need, I have told him that I don’t really care about stuff, I care about him, knowing him brings value to my life, that is what is important to me. (I don’t ask anymore BTW, he gets all freaked out apparently) I lead a very full life, and basically I am at the point where I am not looking for anyone else, but if someone happens to come into my life that I can connect with then I will re look at my situation. I guess I just wish there was some way to know how to help him move on with his life without being an emotional crutch, and more importantly how to build a future with a man that has given up on one. He will talk about wanting to buy a house, plant trees knowing that one day our grand kids will be on swings hung on those trees, and then just as quickly he dismisses it as something he will never achieve. I am his friend, I know he loves me, I know that I am the closest he has come to anyone in the last 2 years, I am in love with him and I want a future with him… I guess I am really confused and looking for a band aid that will magically fix this.

May 8, 2013, 2:56 am


You two need to stop making excuses for these guys. Stop romanticizing a good thing that isn’t really there. Stop talking to the losers. They aren’t dating you or treating you well. Where’s your self-respect? It IS as easy as cutting ties and moving on. No, it’s not easy but that’s part of acting maturely as an adult. How many more months or years do you want to waste? Time “doesn’t find a solution” and there is no magical Band-Aid. But there is being a grown-up seeing situations for what they are, and acting in your own best interest.

May 21, 2013, 10:25 am


You’re getting played, and wasting your time. He’s not obligated or responsible for making sure a crazy Ex who ambushes him “is ok.” A normal man would have left and cut ties, especially since they don’t have kids. What – is he going to watch over her his whole life? Doubt it. But I bet she’s a crazy, psycho because they’re having sex yet she knows he sees you. That said – since when is his concern for her supposed to be greater than his for you? And you allow it? As for the sleeping over and holding each other…OMG, you have a daughter in the house. She doesn’t need the drama of a guy around taking away your attention. How about you put your daughter first, not date or bring home guys, and raise her… He loves you – no, he doesn’t. Guys who love women proclaim it to everyone, and they treat them well, and introduce them to all the important people in their life. And they make that woman’s life easier – not filed with anguish. You’re fun, convenient, he can crash at your place, and doesn’t have to take you on dates. Stop reading into his kiss, his look, or whatever. You should do better for yourself and your daughter. Or is this the kind of man you’d think was a good match for her? Cut ties and move on.

Reply May 21, 2013, 10:16 am



Well, in my case, I admit you’re right in some of the things that you say. I just wished it could be easier for me to act diferentely. And it’s not about being mature, or act like a grown-up person. It really depends on how you act around other people and how they react towards you. But I’m starting to move on. And when I said that ‘time will find a solution’, I really believe that time will determine if we stay together or not. But I’m not going to wait (forever) or avoid doing things that I have to do for me. I just believe that people are ment to be with us if that’s what really is ment to be. Did you ever met someone that you felt that he was special? This is the case. And I’ve dated some guys and, later, some became my friends.And one of them is one of my best-friends. This guy is just different. That’s the only thing that I can say and that’s why it’s so difficult for me to cut loose. But I understand and I know that I have to change my attitude towards him. Mainly, because, as you say, I have to treat myself better and I have to focus more about me. :o)
And in the past I had, more than one time, the experience of having a guy that becomes more interested in me when I start to loose interest in him. But that’s not a good sign. When that happens, it’s impossible for me to become interested again. It’s just over for me. Our timings were wrong. When I wanted him, he didn’t want anything serious. When I loose interest or I give up, he acts on the opposite way. Maybe I’m acting wrong or doing something wrong, I don’t know. :o/

Reply May 22, 2013, 9:27 am


These types of things can only work for you if you’re also in the place where you just want to be “friends” while keeping your options open for dating someone else for a relationship. You can either accept the situation as it is or move on.

He’s not good relationship material. If you’re pining for him for a relationship it’s best to move on. Don’t tolerate things just because you like him. How much you like a guy should be based on how much he invests in you, not how good he is on paper or the amount of physical chemistry. Treat him the same way you’d treat a guy you aren’t as crazy about who does the same things. A lot of us ladies fall into this trap of letting things slide just because we like the guy. It works against us!

Reply May 21, 2013, 10:53 am


Also if a guy has issues and you’re waiting for him to get over him, don’t play his therapist and help him figure out his problems. Leave that to him and/or his other friends or his mother or whomever. We often over nurture too much in that motherly way thinking it will connect us to him more and it’s the opposite. It dampens his attraction for you. It sounds counter-intuitive to not “help” a guy you like but trust me it’s not. Tell him your’e sorry to hear that. And if he continues just tell him you’re not his therapist or that you don’t feel comfortable talking about the subject anymore.

Reply May 21, 2013, 11:22 am


ok… so i like this guy that’s my closest guy friend…i kinda told him that i liked and he gave my that line where he says “u need to find a guy that would give u feels back because i think of u as my sister.” I want him to like me back…. he tells me that i’m beautiful, out going but i think he says that because i’m his friend… just not to long ago he told me that the first time he saw me he thought that i was cute before we even started to talk… we are so close, i tell him all my problems and he helps me out..he even knows when i’m sad and he lets me cry on his shoulder… i don’t know what to do, i want to get out of the friends zone before he fonds a girl that he starts to like… Every time i think of him finding a girl that he likes i start to cry because i don’t want to loss to a new girl… i want to be his girl and no one else’s… i was dating someone and i couldn’t get him off my mind,so i stopped dating that guy so i don’t end up hurting him… Everyday i think he’s falling for me but i’m not sure if it is that or i’m just going crazy….. when i don’t text him i feel off, i feel like i’m missing something on that day…I REALLY NEED HELP BECAUSE I WANT TO GET OUT OF THE FRIENDS ZONE….. PLEASE HELP ME…….

Reply April 14, 2013, 1:21 am


I sorta understand how you feel… But regardless, if he says, “You need to find a guy that feels the same for you.”, listen to him!!!!!!!!!!! The best thing to do in this situation is like Eric said, move on. That’s the best thing for you to do because you deserve better, so much better. And if you need to stop being friends with him altogether, then so be it. You can find someone better.

Reply April 14, 2013, 5:51 pm


You need to calm down and back off cause you’re the one causing yourself all this pain. You’re not in the friend zone. You’re in the “desperate for him to like me” zone which is a lot worse. Stop texting him and having your feelings revolve around him replying or not. Stop crying on his shoulder. Men like a little mystery and it sounds like you’re an open book – and a sad, depressed, anxious one. Stop comparing other dates to what you think you might have if this guy were yours. He’s not. He doesn’t want to be. He’s made it clear. Stop beating your self up and move on.

Reply May 21, 2013, 10:42 am


^Well said. Also “I stopped dating that guy so i don’t end up hurting him” Never drop someone else just because you’re afraid of “hurting” a guy. Men like women who put themselves first. So women need to get out of this mindset that it’s wrong to date more than one man when none of them have “claimed” you. It works against you to focus on one man who isn’t committed to you.

Per Eric’s post, men are opposite of what women think. When they haven’t been paying enough attention to you and see you with someone else, they don’t lose interest. They become more intrigued by you when they see you have other options. I see it happen all the time in my dating life and I’m not even doing it on purpose. lol. It makes them rethink the way they have been with you a lot of the time. It sounds ridiculous but it’s true! Also if this other guy you were dating was treating you right, what reason was there to bail? How a guy treats you is the first thing to look at.

Reply May 21, 2013, 11:31 am


let me tell you something. It might work on guys but damn I was lucky my girl tolerated it. I tried chasing others in front of her and it killed her self esteem. GUYS DO NOT DO THIS TO A GIRL WHO LIKES YOU. I chased and dated others and she almost killed herself for it. Guys want out do something good but as soon as the girl has said she liked you or flirts with you and you been friends for a year PAY ATTENTION TO HER. yes you can move away but don’t try to make a woman jealous. It’s dangerous and actually sabotages your chances in one way or another

Reply May 6, 2015, 12:46 am


Ok so I followed everything this article said to do… And now I found that my friend zone is still friend zone… I’ve even started dating a guy and he’s really nice and all but he’s not the one I want nor love. My best friend just keeps telling me that he’s happy for me and the old “good for you” line. I even moved out and got my own place. Been doing a lot of ME time and getting back into shape. I don’t text him as much anymore and I’m distancing myself from him but the more I do that the more he does the same. Eric I am losing this battle and I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to lose my best friend and the man I know I’m supposed to be with. Please tell me what to do now.
Angel O:)

Reply April 1, 2013, 3:13 pm


“The man you supposed to be with?” It doesn’t sound like you followed the first step?

Reply July 14, 2013, 4:32 am


Dear Eric,
I have liked this guy I met at work for about 6 months. He is kind, smart, funny and everything I’ve ever looked for in a man. We used to walk every day, twice a day and get to know each other. We have hung out on several occasions outside of work as well as texted fun conversations. I went away to Costa Rica over Christmas and when I returned he seemed much fonder, inviting me out to dinners and lunches…even on Valentines day. We then ended up having a conversation about dating and I told him I would date him if he was interested. He proceeded to tell me we had gone on a few dates and that it just wasn’t there. I remember him telling me once a girl who really liked him, stopped liking him and then he liked her…so I responded in kind telling him I appreciate his honesty, and respect his decisions and that I would win either way because I know more of what I want in a man since meeting him. He said he’d love to continue the friendship as he loves to be around me, we have lots of common interests and I’m and interesting and fun girl… But he had also been devastated by a previous relationship. After this convo I’ve held back from contacting him, but he texts me often and asks to hang out as well as posts and likes most of my stuff on Facebook. He also longingly stares at me when he does see me…our situation has changed at work and he doesnt walk with us often but when he does he def flirts, laughs and smiles at me. I’ve been busy the last several times hes asked to hang out, and I’ve started to respond slower to his texts. Yesterday he posted on fb that he thinks he’s ready to find a woman as he’s come to a happy place in his life… My question is this: if he said it’s just not there… Public it ever be? Am I imagining that he does like me and since I’ve pulled back some he’s contemplated it more? How should I react if he asks me to run or hang out with him again? Am I doing the right thing by acting as if I’m not interested anymore? Should I not be? Should I ignore him on fb and social media? I’d ideally like to let this all go and hope for the best… But having a hard time dating other guys cause I compare them all. I wouldn’t change a thing about him… And would love the opportunity to date him again. What should I do??!

Reply April 1, 2013, 2:48 pm


Yes. If you take yourself out of the picture for awhile, make the changes recommended, and casually and with great confidence bump into him. But no texting, talking etc. till then’ you’re just too busy.

Reply May 21, 2013, 10:38 am


Hi! I have liked this guy for awhile now. When I first met him, he was dating my friend, and I only saw him as a brother. Turns out, he thought of me more than that. Time went by and I find myself liking him more than a friend. But it seems in turn, he now sees me only as a sister. He knows I have feelings for him though. I am looking forward to trying out these tips though, and it has inspired me.

More of my question is, is there even a chance that he will see me as more than a sister again?

Reply February 13, 2013, 9:06 pm


I live with my best friend whom I’ve loved for the past year, but I’m in the friend zone. He knows of my feelings for him and before I read your article I have started doing this. I want him to see me happy and moving on. I have fully accepted our friendship and have let go. As much as I HATE it I have. I still cry, but he doesn’t see that. I have recently noticed that he is worried about me moving out and getting my own place. He even broke down and told me not to leave him “ever” but I have to for my own sanity. I love this man way to much to stand bye and see him be with someone else. I am not dating hit I do have options open. This article only inspired me to keep doing what I’m doing and hopefully he will see how good of a person I really am to him and eventually want me. If this doesn’t happen I’ve prepared myself and will continue to move on. I will keep you updated on my progress. Thanks for the encouragement.

Love, respect, Amgel O:)

Reply January 21, 2013, 12:51 pm


Ok, so today a friend of mine said- friended? That’s such a girl term. No guy every says that. A guy knows within 1 second whether he wants to sleep with that girl and the “girlfriend” comes after that.

I don’t know how typical he is but it hit home… Is it true? Is that a term us girls have made up?

I’m convinced that the day I met my crush- he crushed on me- regardless of the amount of time it’s taken to get to a) the first kiss and yes finally b) the first date. Not somewhat backwards only because we’ve known each other in some way for 9 months.

This guy sounds like an attention seeker central. And that is a bit strange. I would be inclined to think that he does only see you as a friend but because he likes the attention you give him is thoroughly seeking a sacrifice from you to gratify him. Ignore him and move out and move on.

You’ll meet someone who gives you the same amount attention you give them!

Reply January 21, 2013, 7:27 pm


So…Eric, I have another question. I don’t think you mentioned this in the article, but what if the only way a girl feels she can get over a guy is if she stops being friends with the guy altogether? Just of curiosity, does that completely ruin that girl’s chance with that guy? And would it make a difference if that guy was damaged goods or not?

Reply January 15, 2013, 12:31 pm


Hey…I don’t normally post on these forums, but really felt I wanted to as this has been a long process and I’m interested to see what people think.

So, about 9 months ago a new guy came to work in my team, I think I instantly felt a connection but I didn’t really realise it until a month had passed. 3 months went by and I got drunk one night. At that point i’d already started flirting with the boy next door and he was starting to get interested – think we’d had 2 dates but this guy was still on my mind. So drunk as I was I had the gall to say to him – “have I got this wrong or is there something between us?” he said “no you haven’t got it wrong, there’s a banter but I’m damaged goods” I thought what does that mean? Then said “cos the thing is there’s another guy interested” he said “ok well go with him”. So I did – and that was that. I went out with my neighbour for about 3 months – he turned out to be a disappointment and the work guy was fully aware when I finished it. During that time I didn’t pay as much attention to him but the attraction was still there. In the 3 months since, he’s been hot and cold with the flirting – and more cold recently. The whole time my boss has made jibes at us both…as if we should just get together. January started and I thought – I’m sacking this off it’s going nowhere. Then this week, I had a terrible week at work, and my mood was entirely different – very down, and he saw all of this. It wasn’t anyone in my team and they were all supportive. We went out on Thursday night and he and I ended up at the train station together. I also took an ex of mine along to ruffle some feathers…maybe it did?! He was very relaxed and laughing about stuff with me on the way to the station. I’d learnt that his previous relationship had lasted 8 years. So anyway, it came to the crux and I asked him if he was going to kiss me goodnight. He started with an excuse, I have a cold he said it’s not an excuses I said if you don’t want to kiss me say, but I think you do. He said but we work together – and I said oh that – park that, it’s separate. He said it’s different is it? I said yes, he said ok and kissed me. Full on kiss, and I managed to get another one but then he practically pushed me to the train saying i’d miss it if I wasn’t careful. So I think he’s still reticent and scared maybe, worried. My plan of action is to act cool on Monday. Give him the space show him no pressure…. but I think perhaps there’s a barrier broken through? And kind of happy that I didn’t make it all up…I think he does like me. Look forward to receiving your comments!

Reply January 12, 2013, 12:06 pm


Wow, you sure cornered and put a lot of pressure on him. He tells you to see someone else and somehow you think it’s a test that he likes you? Sounds like you’re doing the hot/ cold thing too. And daring him to kiss you – not smart. You’ve now made this guy so uncomfortable…oh, and you have to work with him. Which by the way, having your boss know is so uncool, and could potentially damage your reputation, and or be grounds for a harassment complaint, or get you fired. There’s so much wrong here. He doesn’t want you. Sure he’s attracted but that doesn’t mean he wants you. Stop playing the games, stop fantasizing he’s the one, comparing others to what you think you could have with him, and cut him off. He can’t be your friend now.

Reply May 21, 2013, 10:36 am


Lol… This is quite old now- it made me laugh- finally a reply to all but I like the cut the crap attitude! Nah i didnt corner him we weren’t a work- we were at the train station on the way home and he made a comment and i didnt know what it meant- hence my moves. Nah my boss was pushing telling him to sort it really- and no claims (and get real i didnt make him do anything!) we both contract things like that don’t happen and I’m used to awkward situations – this was one never considered – and easy to leave my job if it got awkward. Anyway it didn’t- so the upshot- we met up – I was massively late (no fault of my own) he gave the I don’t want a relationship speech etc etc boys this is so boring and ruins the mood! So got that out of the way – rubbish sex and then come Monday he’s the one that’s coy/laughing not playing it cool- 3 weeks of flirting it happens again no talk of stupid and just fun- much better this one and then he’s tried to make it happen since- no – I won’t let it just become that so Agreed- cut and moved on- he’s the one playing games not me- I just don’t play up to it! :-) he was never going to be my friend- he’s kept me at arms length and this was really the first time I was let in… It’s all part of life’s rich tapestry and shouldn’t be shoved aside :-)

Reply May 21, 2013, 5:47 pm

Macy lee

Thank you! This article helped me SO SO MUCH with my relationship problems! I think a lot.. And that usually makes my situation worse. This pretty much cleared my head up a little bit. I was going to ho throw an emotional breakdown but now I realize this is how I should be acting, just as friends, until something more happens. Everything you stated is true and matches my situation perfectly. You don’t know how grateful I am to read this because it helped me out a lot… Thank you so much, I love it !! <3

Reply December 6, 2012, 10:14 am


Hey! It would be amazing if ANYONE really helped me out here. I’m only 15, so calm down. I have liked a guy on and off for almost 9 years. So lets just start off saying we have a “history”. We do the corniest things together, and are really great friends. Everyone says we are “meant to be”. But whenever someone brings up both of us TOGETHER, things get awkward, for a little. Then we just laugh. He held my hand the other day. It may sound stupid, but I really loved it. We held hands for like a minute, then he looked at me, smiled, and turned away. He told me he loved me too. And he tried to hide it. We were play-fighting and he mumbled “I love you.” . I know these days that doesn’t mean much, but I felt something there. He is really confusing me. We flirt a lot. I don’t know if anything is just friendly, or he really wants to be with me. I have been holding in how much I like him. And I like him, A LOT. But I don’t know how to ask him why he held my hand, why he plays with my hair, why he always cracks jokes with me, if he really doesn’t feel anything. I have no idea if he likes me or not. I am really confused. If ANYONE took the time to read this, I love you. If anyone will help, I won’t ever be able to thank you enough.
Please help me:)

Reply November 26, 2012, 11:03 pm


Thank you so much for all the help just from this article. I would really appreciate it if you helped me in my specific situation.

Reply November 26, 2012, 11:06 pm


I am the stereotypical serial single friend with all the good dating advice, so here goes. If you got an “I love you” and he denied it, you’re set, no questions asked. What to do with that? Honestly, get some guts, but I get how tough that is, so leave yourself some exits. Approach the topic so honestly and frankly that its impossible for him to dance out, but make it fun, friendly, teasing so you can back out later (warning: overdoing this will scare him, but its necessary to leave yourself a way out so be careful). Therefore, I suggest keeping the expression in your eyes open and genuine so he remembers that its still you and that its okay for him to be honest. If he likes you, as it seems almost certain he does from what you said, you’re set…good luck :)

Reply December 11, 2012, 3:56 am


Well, I’d say the only thing you can do at this point is to ask him if he likes you.

It may seem like kind of the wrong thing to do, considering that a guy should make the first move and all that, but 1) you don’t want to waste your time wondering (because trust me, I did that, and I ended up losing the guy I had really liked to someone else), and 2) let me tell you something.

I remember about a year ago or so, I told the guy I liked that I had liked him and even asked him if he liked me. He didn’t say necessary yes or no, but I’m telling you, after our little flitarious interaction with each other, things started to turn around. He was texting me more, and he even invited me somewhere that weekend! And this was coming from a guy who had hardly ever intiated texts, had liked someone else, and was a player.

Flirt with him back, be playful with him, and most importantly…be confident! And then find the right time to ask him. They say you gotta make some sacrifices to get what you want in life.

Reply January 15, 2013, 11:54 am


I have read your article and agree with every word. I have been friends with a guy for about six months now and we have lots in common and the sexual attraction is there for us both BUT he refuses sex. He said it would happen when it’s right and he wanted to respect me as a woman before we jumped right into that. He is damaged goods from his parents letting him down and an ex wife letting him down. He is very guarded and about two months ago he started puttin it down, allowing me to be more connected to his life. Three weeks ago, he was sent to NYC to help with Hurricane Sandy. His first day out there we had a text argument over something stupid and I thought we were over it until last night. He brought it back up and durin this six months he lost his job and I paid his 2500 rent to help him. In the conversation tonight he said he is going to make sure I’m paid back ASAP because he doesn’t want to damage our friendship any further. I REALLY like this guy and feel like before he left, we were getting to where I wanted to be. He will be coming home in a few weeks and the day he left I went on a diet and etc so without drama, in had wanted to better myself for him and now idk how to take this grudge he’s holding. I think I could possibly be in love with him and I’m afraid! If I start seeing other people won’t that just make things worst?

Reply November 15, 2012, 4:40 am


You are SO right about damaged goods… My bestie (whom I of course have feelings for) just told me he went out with a 20 year old! He’s 33… obviously it’s just a distraction from his pain from past relationships (emotionally unavailable, cheated on several times, doesn’t want to get married, etc.). It’s hard for me to deal with, but I know this can’t last.

Reply November 12, 2012, 8:25 pm


Is there a good way to get over him emotionally without cutting contact. I know you say to mentally get over him quietly… but I think it’s easier said than done. Any tips or advice would be wonderful. Thank you.

Reply November 12, 2012, 9:43 am


This is uber helpful

Reply November 11, 2012, 4:53 pm


Hi Eric,
This is a great article, and I am planning to follow it to the letter, but I have a dilemma. The guy in my situation has been around for 4.5 years, during which he never fully committed, although he reaped all the benefits (vacations together, holiday/family gatherings, etc). A few months ago I flound out he had begun a relationship with someone from his past. A real- all out, he calls her his girlfriend-relationship! He tells memos that it’s over, and I am asking him if he wants to *just* be friends. I explained that I am not asking him to decide if he wants to be with me, but if he just wants to be friends to let md know already so I can move on. He says he doesn’t know and won’t give me a straight answer about what he wants from me. With that being said, how can I just be friends with him without space/time? I’ve tried and the end of every evening “as friends” turns into this long,dramatic,emotional rehash of what I want/need, and, as you said, it’s completely ur attractive. Do I just fall off the grid a while? He calls and texts as if nothing has changed, and gets bothered if I do not respond. It’s hard to ignore him and I don’t even know if it’s the right thing to do… I’d really appreciate your insight into this one, if possible. How can I get to step one?

Reply November 2, 2012, 8:50 am


Hi Eric, I met this amazing guy nearly one month ago. I had noticed him for a few weeks and he turned out to be my friends new flatmate. It was like destiny. We hit it iff completely and spent the last few weekends together. He was so keen in the beginning and he would want to meet up all the time. He even asked me to tell my ex( who i broke up with 3mths) previous to not come visit me which i did. Then guess what this guy backed off and just wants to be friends. Its soooo tough and ocassionally when we meet up we still have a kiss and cuddle but theres no changing his mind. He has a few personal issues going on sohe says this is the reason for his change of mind but i don’t know if thats BS or the truth. Anyway what should I do like totally ignore him or play hard to get??? Like this guy told me he really likes me and cant stop thinking about to ignoring me on the tram to work!! Help ;(

Reply October 31, 2012, 6:27 pm


What a good article. These steps are exactly what I am trying to do right now. I met a guy thru a mutual friend. We are both English but I live in a different country and he was here on holiday. We hit it off immediately, went out a couple of times as friends and had a great time. When he left we stayed in contact on Facebook. After a month he sent me his phone number and asked me to text him mine. We then progressed to daily texts and phone calls. I returned to the uk for a short holiday and tho from a different part of the country he invited me to stay at his flat for my final weekend there. We had a great time, went out alone and with his friends. His best friend actually commented on how close we seemed and how we were perfect for each other. We slept together both nights I was there and it just seemed right. He is coming here for a holiday in January and we have arranged to spend a weekend away while he is here. He is so attentive, calls me darling and gorgeous all the time and is lovely to be around. I had decided to return to live in the uk before I met him and that is due to happen next July.
Now for the problem: when we first met he said he didn’t believe long distance relationships ever worked. He has been married and says he will never marry again. He also says he is not attempting any more relationships and will just continue seeing people without commitment. He says he loves me as a friend and I deserve a relationship with someone who loves me for who I am.
The things he says are almost the complete opposite of how he behaves when we are around each other. Since leaving the uk last month we have continued in daily telephone contact and the conversations are still flirty and funny.
I would love a relationship with him but seriously confused as to whether it’s the distance or me or him that is stopping anything happening. He will never see or hear the anxiety I feel about what, if anything, is happening. Soooooo…….I am calm and confident on the phone, I make him laugh and we still use the pet names we have for each other. I can’t wait to see him in january and will take it from there as to what I do next.
Do you think I am foolish in still believing that there could be a future for us or should I just accept that he has said we are friends and move on? Thanks for the article x

Reply October 29, 2012, 9:06 am


You have given surprisingly helpful and healthy advice. Especially the part where you state that we should “accept just being friends. It’s compassionate and respectful to them. And it also gives the other person the psychological ‘space’ to possibly grow feelings for you at some point down the line.” You’ve given me a different perspective on the situation. If I really respect and care about him, I need to actualize that care and respect. Thinking of it like that has honestly made me feel better and more positive about being in the friend zone. Thank you so much! I will keep you posted.

Reply October 26, 2012, 9:49 pm


So, I’ve known this guy since I was 5 years old and he’s always been my best friend. I had a crush on him when we were little but I forgot about it when I got my first real boyfriend. We dated for four years but by the end of it I wasn’t happy at all, and he was kind of rude and had a bad attitude about everything. He was never what I wanted and I think I just stayed with him because he was my first everything.

My guy friend was there for me all through it of course. Not long after this break up I started seeing a guy I work with that was quite.a bit older than me. We dated for a month or so then he pretty much turned into an ass and I broke up with him. Again, my guy friend was there for me the entire time.

Anyway, a week ago my guy friend and I were hanging out and we had been messing around and wrestling. I had a suspicion that he might like me and I was definitely starting to develop feelings for me. I asked him if there was anyone he wanted to be with and he wouldn’t answer me. Finally, I pried it out of him and he said me. I told him I felt the same way but he doesn’t think we should be together because he’s to scared it will ruin our friendship.

Weve hung out a couple more times after that and we ended up cuddling and stuff. We’ve came really close to kissing but I don’t think he will. I don’t know what’s happening with us, and I feel like we might be entering the friends with benefits stage because we’re completely normal until we’re alone.

I really like him a lot and I think I always have I just didn’t think he would ever feel the same way. He’s by far one of the best people I’ve ever met, he has an amazing family that really like me, I am more comfortable around him then any of my other friends and I am one of the only people who knows who he really is because he’s pretty shy around most people, he’s been there for me through everything and he’s an amazing friend, he’s cute, he’s funny, and basically everything I’d ever want in a boyfriend. I just really don’t know what to do to make us really being together possible.

I think I will start backing off a bit and wait for him to ask to hang out and make the first moves with anything. But am I wasting my time to hope we will end up together, or is it possible? Someone please help!

Reply October 19, 2012, 4:18 pm


Hi Eric!
Well…I have a doubt. I really like my guy friend…and we’ve been like ‘friends with benefits’ for two years (yes, I made this mistake…or not…I don’t know). He’s really very attracted to me and so am I to him. The problem is that I like him but like he was a boyfriend and he says he only sees me as a friend and someone who he really likes to be with. Sexual attraction and he likes my personality.
I found your advice very usefull and I’ve decided to try them (well, I’m already fit, because I exercise everyday, I have my life and my plans…and I’ve moved on…sort of speach; the only thing missing is the way I look; he says that I’m pretty and it’s true, but I have some problems thinking that he has to like me for the looks…; ok, I read your words about this and I agree).
So, for what I’m telling you, could give any advice?
I’m really into him…and I feel we could work out as a couple.

Reply October 15, 2012, 8:06 pm


I read this article about 6 months ago after being in the same situation with my guy friend. At the time he was casually seeing another woman (nothing official just meeting up now and again) but after a month or two of following the steps such as putting more effort into my appearance and ‘filling myself up’ he FINALLY asked me out and we’ve been dating for the past 4 months!!!!! YAY!! I’m so happy, and I’m sure you all may say “oh ye, I bet he’d have liked you anyway” and “it’s just a coincidence”
But I’ve been trying to get something going between us for 2 years now (as embarrassing as it may sound) and FINALLY THERE IS YIPPEE!!!!!

Reply October 7, 2012, 6:15 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much for leaving this comment.
I am very happy to hear that. Congrats. Glad you were able to use this article to help you get out of the friend zone and into a relationship with your guy. I’m sure your story will inspire all the women who read this article too (I wouldn’t be surprised if they start asking you questions about it…) :)

Reply October 7, 2012, 9:23 pm


Hi eric !
I have been dating this guy since 1.5 years ..! We have been great all this while but now when i asked him if he loves me or we just great friends he said we are both but a little more on friends side..! I really love him and i cant stand being pused to the friend zone! I want him like he was loving caring possessive chasing everything i need ! Now its like i have to ask him if i want to go for a movie ! He males no plans nothing ! This is just disturbing !:(
Please help !

Reply March 4, 2015, 10:34 pm


Great story, Jasmine! My question is how did you get yourself to get over him emotionally while still staying friends and in contact? That seems to be the hardest part for me.

Reply November 18, 2012, 12:19 pm


hiya i have the same prob … met a guy hes lovely wanted to go out with me ? i said no we email and text phone every day for the past 4 and a half months never missed a day .. even when hes gone aboard … he then told me he only wants to be good friends friends for life … he do anything for me taken me to the seaside my dream home … even sat and watched the stars …. but now he says i love u to bits … thinks the world of him … there was some attention of one of hes friends …. now we are going out for a meal … he didnt like hes friends attention towards me … ive been askin him out for a meal he said work …. now he says its diff …. i dont know what to do … i love him to bits dont wanna lose our friendship ….

Reply October 7, 2012, 1:33 pm


The poor guy probably can’t understand you.

Reply February 25, 2013, 8:12 am


I met a guy online through a dating site. The first few times that we hung out we both knew there was an attraction. After a couple months I asked him what we were, He said friends, so we just stayed the way we were. I had a lot of fantasy in the friendship that it would go farther. I brought my kids to Valleyfair and the kids wanted him to go with so I asked him. He ended up staying the night and going to Valleyfair for the day. After Valleyfair he called me the next day and told me that he wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I said okay. We dated for two weeks. He broke up with me because he said he was not healed from the mess his ex put him through. The next day he was on I am really confused because after he broke up with me he told me that he likes me as a friend and maybe it could eventually be more someday when he is ready. I do not want to miss the opportunity to meet anyone else but I also do not want him to disappear if I do meet someone. I am really confused about what to think. Any advice would be great.

Reply October 6, 2012, 1:57 pm


Eric, I have this close guy friend. We go to the same community college together, and we also work out together. We hang out all the time, and I can tell him anything. I feel like I’m friend zoned because he said “You’re like the sister I wish I had”, yet he will do things that makes me thinks he likes me. He’ll ask me what I think of something on a guy, and then says “hmm, I should do that”, because I like it.. He always wants to know what type of guy I like, if I like this in a guy or not. Sometimes I feel like he said that, because he thinks that’s how I feel about him. But I am way to scared to say anything, because I feel like I am already friend zoned. He says how much he cares about me, and how much I mean to him. His parents LOVE me, and he knows it. We flirt, and joke around all the time. It is just really frustrating and confusing. I don’t want to worry too much, because I am only turning 18.. If I can just get an honest opinion from anyone, I would be extremely grateful.

Reply October 3, 2012, 5:25 pm


It sounds like to me he just likes you as a friend, but I could be wrong. The only way to really know is just to ask him. I know that’s a tough thing to do, but since you’ve known him for long enough, it might be the best option. I might do that before wondering about whether he likes you or not any further. Wondering will only worry you more.

You never know what may happen unless you take a chance. He may go out with you, or he may not, but don’t expect anything. Don’t get your hopes up, but don’t already assume he’ll say no. Like I said, you never know. And sometimes, all you really need to do to get a guy to chase you is just to let him know up front that you like him. That may be the only thing holding you two back. Depending on whether he’s outgoing or shy, he may or may not pursue if he’s unsure of your feelings for him.

Now, don’t take my word for the asking him advice. That may not be the best choice. Perhaps that is not the best alternative, but at least if you do ask him, you’ll know whether to get over him, or it will allow you both to move out of the friendzone.

But either way, just be confident. No guy can resist a girl who loves herself enough to know that she is worth it, no matter what he does, no matter what happens. And if he can’t see you for the amazing, beautiful person that you are, then it’s his loss.

And also, accept your feelings, whatever they are. Just accept them. Do not punish yourself for it. We all do it. We all worry. It’s natural to do so. If you do decide to tell him, focus on you and how you feel, and not so much on him and how he’s reacting to you.

So, I would take all my advice, except for maybe the asking him if he likes you part. I’m not exactly sure if that’s what you should do. Eric is the expert here, not me. He could tell you better than I could, but anyway, hope I helped! ^^

Reply October 4, 2012, 1:15 am


sooooo I’m in love with one of my closest guy friends
his name is Cody, Ive felt this way ever since I met him but when I did i was in a serious relationship and I didn’t want to mess anything up so I waited to tell him a few months after I broke up with my ex. we were cuddling all night at my friends house and he was touching me intimately and i am positive he had a boner. so i got enough confidence and I wrote him a 4 page letter expressing my feelings and I got no response from him for a few days. then I got one in person. “You are like my little sister and you just got out of a relationship.”
so im like merr okay while I was all confused so I did the whole avoiding him thing and he recently started texting me asking me to hang everyday. So last night I gave in and he came over with all our friends an we were all playing grand theft auto and he was cuddling with me again so I was like oh okay but then he was touching me sweetly but then it escalated and got sexual and extremely intimate. I was so happy but confused. and then I looked at my phone today while I was at work and i got a text from him asking to pretend like nothing ever happened….what gives. keep in mind this is the first time I have ever been rejected, I am 17 and he is 19 but I don’t think that makes a difference. plus he sends me flirty Facebook messages about stuff that if he said to his actual little sister, he would be a pedophile…

This was something I posted on yahoo answers a few weeks ago.
He gave me his childhood teddy bear about 2 weeks ago i thought it was cute but im not sure what he meant by it.
Since then, he ignored me for a while after that happened. I heard from one of my friends that he really genuinely likes me but doesn’t want to make a move because his best friend likes me. I also heard that he finds it annoying that I have a crush on him. I am so confused at his mixed signals. He is always asking my friend cory if i want to hangout with them but never me directly anymore, cory said that hes avoiding me so i can get space from him and maybe get over him. The other night he came over again with cory to play video games. We were on my couch and he took all my pillows so naturally I was like what am I to do, so he said use me as a pillow. we started cuddling again and his hands started out cautious and then went down like they did before. I did the same to him but he stopped me then continued what he was doing. Then he left and I havent spoken with him since but cory told me he wants to hangout today…

any idea whats going on?

Reply September 23, 2012, 3:51 pm


He does not want a relationship but he likes you genuinely but he wants to do any kind of relationship type things without ever acknowledging it properly. He knows when to reel you in and when to spit you back out again. He does actually like you but never quite enough. That should not be good enough for you. There is some lack of respect there and consideration to your feelings. You have a choice however. You can keep riding this wave of this back and forth-ness in hopes that maybe this goes somewhere eventually or you can totally stop it, cut him off. Hopefully this will maybe make him man up and figure what he wants. :)

Reply September 30, 2012, 1:33 am


Hi Eric, I’m grateful finding your articles, it gives me nice ideas on how to stay confident & optimistic despite some failures in love. I’m going to ask your great advice also in my situation and hoping that you could help me out on this. I had a bf for only 5 months and that short of time we were happy and we have a lot of things in common. It seems that we were contented to each other and even his family already wanted us to be couple or lifetime partners. But suddenly, after he got a new job (no job for 4months that’s why he can poured me the attention I wanted in a relationship), I felt I am no longer his priority and almost no time to talk & see me. He seems cold & distant so resentment came on me, to the point I’m gonna tell him he don’t love me anymore because he can’t make things that he used to. Weeks later, we talked and he asked me to give him space (cool-off) for he need to think & focus on his new job and he also wanted time for himself. I did let him go for the time & space he wanted but once a week I still go to their house because his mom want me to go there always and as much as possible they want us to fix things ASAP. There’s a strange feeling between us when we see each other. Until after 2 weeks I called him up and asked if already fine and if we can already fix our relationship but he still can’t decide and seems that still not interested so I got upset thinking that he don’t want me or love me anymore and that maybe there’s a new girl getting his attention in his workplace. He and his mom cleared to me that there’s no new girl and he just focusing on his new job. One night due to mixed emotions, I texted him that I could not stand the situation anymore and its better to call it off totally. I have not received any reply or confirmation but he continued ignoring me at all. Then after a month, again I asked him what happened to us that’s the time he responded in my message telling me that I’m the one who ended the relationship and say sorry for he don’t have any special feelings anymore. I accepted the fact and go on with my life doing some stuff that makes me feel good. His mom still hoping that me and her son will be reconciled in time. She’s always inviting me to visit her if I have time and as much as I want to, I’m holding myself not to go in their place if my ex is around for about 2 months. Then as days passing by, me & my ex already civil to each other, we talked & greet casually. It’s been 4 months when we part and we consider each other as friends even though in my inner part I still love him and want him to start a relationship over again. What should I do? Is it worthy for our love a second chance? Do I keep on communicating with his mother? Would he think I am desperate to get him if once in a while I visit his mom and have a good conversation with her?

Reply September 19, 2012, 11:26 am

Confused Annie

Hi Eric,

Love the blog, you have so much great advice!

I’m having a ‘friend zone’ situation where I found a guy I was into immediately, but due to professional circumstances I tried to keep a cool head. However, the problem would lay where I would notice his non-verbal signals and slightly flitatious remarks (we would charmingly flirt innocently back and forth). He would also comment whenever I would wear something nice or change my hair, and I would notice whenever he did the same. However, neither of us have made any advances outside of spontaneously catch a movie during a walk, or something like that.

I feel that I have developed quite a bit of true feelings for him over time, and I think he feels that same. But now that we are no longer professionally involved (since a few weeks ago), he hasn’t stepped up to even mention that he is interested in seeing me again, regardless of us sharing quite a few flirtatious moments.

So by now I have accepted him as just a friend, and I’ve jazzed up my look a little bit (which has given me great self confidence), and have started dating a few guys. But it seems that becasue we are no longer professionally involved, its like ‘out of sight, out of mind’ with him. But its confusing because he invited me to join him for a bite on our last professional meetup, but hasn’t called me since then. Does this make any sense? I’m so confused! :(

Reply September 18, 2012, 10:33 pm


This all seems pretty helpful, I haven’t tried it yet but it all seems good so far..
I have one question though, during this 1 to 3 month, or however long, period of self-improvment, should I be talking to my male friend and hanging around like normal? Should I put a little distance between us? Or should I be backing off until the unveiling of the new me?

Reply September 16, 2012, 6:07 pm

Eric Charles

It depends on the situation… I’ll quickly explain.
Generally speaking, your habits and way of being is what landed you in the friend zone in the first place. So spending more time with him before you make changes to your approach is only going to further reinforce your friend zone status…
At the same time, you don’t want to slam the door in someone’s face. He’s not friend-zoning you because he dislikes you. He likes you as a person… a guy would be sad to lose someone he likes and considers a friend.
My feeling is that for your own psychological benefit, it helps for you to distance yourself as much as you can without seeming cold or mean. Just cut your contact with him to a minimum without making him upset… if he thinks you dislike him or are mad at him, you are going to far…
The distance does two things for you… first, it clears your head up so you’re not obsessing over him and can focus on your own inspiration, growth and fulfillment in your life. Second, it creates a much more dramatic effect when you come back into his life “unveiled”.
The distance and timing by itself isn’t magic – it does not magically make him attracted to you. Your growth and increased attractiveness (which you develop during that time away) is what makes the “magic” happen. So make sure that you put your effort into your self-improvement.

Reply September 18, 2012, 8:50 pm


Advice please. I dated a guy for a couple months I really liked. He treated me like a girlfriend but it was never official. I got insecure and gave him an ultimatum and as you can guess he took off. So 2 months later I emailed him and we have been email buddies. Talking about out kids, work, family. The thing is at first I think I was hoping to rekindle but after a while and no request to talk or hang out I accepted that its not going to happen. But I sent an email with a rude riske joke and I’m sure that’s the end of it (doh). I accept that it’a not going to turn into dating again, but do I owe an appology just to leave on better terms or would that be perceived as chasing and be worse?

Reply September 13, 2012, 3:54 pm


Hi Laura, I would say don’t email him again for an apology. If he hasn’t yet asked to meet, then I would not continue to stay on the backburner for this guy. The moment he took off after you gave him an ultimatum, you should not have emailed him back again to get back together.

Let him be for awhile and see what happens. If he doesn’t start pursuing you, then there’s your answer. Trust me, I’m in the same position, except for I have been seeing a guy for 5 months and my ultimatum was for us to move from being just friends and start having sex, otherwise no more going out at night and sleeping together in the same bed. At 1st he agreed, but then came back 2 days later and we hung out later that week…but he still refused to give a firm decision, still slept in my bed with no sex and still didn’t follow up a couple days later. So I decided to drop him off his belongings and haven’t spoken to him all week.

Reply September 14, 2012, 7:29 pm


Thx. He actually responded with humor and a long segment on how men love differently than women do, and show it in different ways. (Eric Charles was spot on!). I guess we’ll continue to share views on life, love and sex at a safe distance.
Cori, is it possible your friend has a medical issue he is afraid to address? He sounds manipulative though – a man should be responsible for his own body and protective (sorry but yes, protective) toward his woman or even his female friend. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing in drawing a line.

Reply September 18, 2012, 10:03 pm


Hi Laura,

its good you guys were able to atleast communicate. But if it were me, I’d be over it. Any man who can’t meet in real life is just playing games. If I want to share views on life, love and sex I can come to this website LOL.

I have no idea what’s up this guy. It’s funny you mention though because it isn’t the first time I heard this medical issue possibility from someone LOL. In fact, I talked about it on another forum and said I’ve never seen the guy with an erection before. He’s ‘revealed’ himself to me on more than 1 occasion and although it looks like it could ‘put a hurtin ona’ lol, I’ve never seen it hard.

I’m still not sure what to do about this. I’ve made some personal changes (namely my job as a nude massage therapist, he has an issue with and claims that to be what’s holding him back from sex). I’ve told him I’ve been going on interviews for regular massage parlours to see if things change within the next 30 days. In the meantime, I’m going to be meeting other men to take care of my needs.

Reply September 21, 2012, 12:41 am


I take offence to the one who said if a guy can’t meet you in rl he’s just playing because I am literally banned from going to my partner like my mother has control of my passport banned.

May 6, 2015, 1:00 am


Thank you!!!!

Reply September 6, 2012, 9:05 pm


Hi Eric Charles, or anyone else who’d like to chime in:

I am in a very confusing friend-zone with a man I’ve known and been seeing for going on 5 months. From day one, we started off flirting and teasing and almost ‘slept’ together on the 1st night (went home from the bar together), although we slept in the same bed.

Throughout these past 5 months, we’ve hung out every weekend except maybe 2, seeing each other as often as he has time. Throughout the friendship he’s mentioned us only being friends…but does everything to the contrary EXCEPT sex. We’ve kissed, but only when he wants to. We’ve recently started holding hands the past 2-3 months when we go out. I do every rule in your blog, and he gets jealous when seeing me even so much as talk to another man. He often kisses other women when I’m not in the vicinity or if I turn my back. But when I do it, he gets all jealous. Top it all off, we sleep in my bed every time we hang out, but he never wants to do sex or even manual sex even though I’ve offered on numerous occasions. I now don’t even bother, but he’s come on to me a few times lately…teases right up to the point, and then pulls back.

I recently told him I’m not okay with this dynamic any longer and that we cannot continue sharing a bed unless we are having sex. I told him that whatever it is that’s preventing from going to the next level, we need to just hold off…or only hangout in the daytime because I’m tired of being his ‘driver’ when we go to parties because he doesn’t want to get another DUI.

He says he loves me, cares about me, sees dating down the road…but I can’t continue hearing and seeing him mention other women and the lack of sex. I also can’t handle the mixed signals (we’re just friends, BUT he’s jealous when a guy talks to me). I have been doing no contact for the past 4 days, he’s texted me about his job and mentioned he’s not sure if we’re talking, taking a break or ending the friendship. I told him I was busy and for us to catch up later (as if the conversation we had the other day never existed).

Whats wrong with the scenario? I’ve already started talking to other men online…but he seems to still be hanging on. I’ve reasoned with him 150 million times and let him know what I want, I feel it’s unreasonable to continue to babysit my time and prevent me from meeting other people when he’s always around me but not willing to give me what it is I need from him.

Reply September 6, 2012, 4:12 pm


Hi Cori, may I chime in? :-)

Yeah he said from the beginning he just wanted to be friends. Believe guys when they say things like that despite the kissing, holding hands etc..sometimes guys just take what they can get without a real relationship as long as you allow it. Or another way to look at it, will give you more than they really need to in a friendship. I mean I have male friends who have flirted with me, go out of their way for me and always want to pay for my meals when we hang out, but I don’t read into it since they said they just wanted to be friends and I feel the same way about them (i.e. I just see them as friends) so it works to my advantage in that scenario.

Back to you, he may not have wanted sex because he may have been sleeping with someone else as in his head you guys were friends so it wasn’t an obligation to have sex. Who knows for sure…. But I’m also confused as to why you were pressuring him for sex, when it sounds like you really wanted a relationship? Or am I wrong about thinking you wanted a relationship with him? Having sex with him probably would have pushed him away more so it may be a good thing for you that it never went that far. Also he was entitled to be jealous but, as he was going about his business with other women, you were entitled to talk to other guys, a you did. He was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Either way I think you did the right thing distancing yourself and dating other men. Sounds like he doesn’t want to let you go so perhaps he will step up his efforts as you’ve become less available, time will tell.

Also I noticed you said ” seeing each other as often as he has time”. It sounds like you were working around his schedule…and if so consider having a guy work around your own schedule. Another section on the site talks about this “How to make men chase you without playing games”

Hope this helps!

Reply September 18, 2012, 11:48 am


Also.. you said ” I’ve reasoned with him 150 million times and let him know what I want, I feel it’s unreasonable to continue to babysit my time and prevent me from meeting other people when he’s always around me but not willing to give me what it is I need from him. ” It’s great you realize you shouldn’t be babysitting him. And I am not sure what words you have been using to express what you want but in the future, the key is to express that you want it for yourself but not necessarily from him. Like if you want a boyfriend say something like “I’ve really enjoyed your company but as good as it feels to be with you I want a boyfriend and it’s become clear that I am not getting my needs met here. All the best”…Also.. ” I’ve reasoned with him 150 million times and let him know what I want, I feel it’s unreasonable to continue to babysit my time and prevent me from meeting other people when he’s always around me but not willing to give me what it is I need from him. ” I am not sure what words you have been using to express what you want but the key is to express that you want it for yourself but not necessarily from him. Like if you want a boyfriend say something like “I’ve really enjoyed your company but as good as it feels to be with you I want a boyfriend and it’s become clear that I am not getting my needs met here. All the best”.. Guys hate to feel pressured like you need something from them specifically.

Reply September 18, 2012, 11:54 am


Hi Ana,

thanks for your input. What you’re saying makes sense…however I failed to mention ALSO the times he has said he wanted us to be a couple going out, that he wanted to date me, and once even telling a guy, “get away from my girlfriend!” (more than once, often when drunk but at times even when he wasn’t THAT drunk).

The other week, he agreed to have a ‘talk’ about having sex but he tried to make excuses to get out of it such as being hungover or what not. Then we had an argument, and the next weekend it came to past he told me how he had ‘talks’ with 2 close friends and they agreed he lead me on, and apparently he had no idea that my giving him massages made me think about having sex with him. HELLO!? WHO GIVES PRIVATE NUDE MASSAGES FROM HOME WITH A FRIEND AND DOESN’T THINK ABOUT SEX?

I’m still chatting with him and we’ve hung out twice since, but I’ve also been aggressively putting myself out there to meet other men. This week alone I’ve already met 3 guys, I’m really trying to expand my options now. I feel a bit cheated in a way that I allowed him to hog up my time and prevent myself from meeting someone compatible. There I was begging for sex, when there’s attractive men who literally adore me. It makes no sense. I mean, we can still be friends…but the dynamics are going to change for sure.

Reply September 21, 2012, 12:31 am


:) I like your article. And I’m fascinated by the fact that it came from a male’s perspective(i don’t mean to make gender issues about these things) what i mean to say is that, i have always wanted to act with basis. And I thank you for sharing this idea. This is really a great help. (I really couldn’t say what I mean to say though but I’m happy to be able to read this.) :D

Reply August 27, 2012, 11:28 am


So…I’m in a situation where I like my friend, and I think he likes me. Many of the things that he’s done and said has screamed, “I like you!” I won’t go into that because I’m trying not to worry too much. So, I’ll just cut to the chase.

The thing is I really hope he doesn’t admitt his feelings anytime soon because I like where me and him are right now, but at the same time, being his friend is frustrating since I want him all to myself.

And since I agree with you on opening up on dating options, I need to ask you: how do I do that if I’m shy (when it comes to making the first move)? Well, what I’m really asking is how do I get into that “I have nothing to lose.” mindset?

Reply August 26, 2012, 5:02 pm

Eric Charles

It’s not really a matter of getting into a mindset… It’s a matter of realization.
You have nothing to lose because you don’t possess him in the first place. The idea that one person even CAN possess another person is misguided…
You have nothing to lose because the other person isn’t anything you could ever “have” in the first place.
Not that I mean to get all philosophical on you, but at the end of the day all you have is your thoughts and how you engage with the situation.
If you bring what he wants to the table, he’ll want to be with you. He’ll want you all to himself. He’ll gladly date you.
If you don’t bring what he wants to the table… he won’t.
So really, the only thing you can control here is what you bring to the table. And even then, that’s only 50% of the equation – you could do your absolute best and he still might not come around.
All you really have is the ability to control your behavior and to give it your best shot. Your best strategy is to entice him through being the best you can be and being as delicious an option as possible (without compromising yourself, that is).
Like I said in the article, though, if you fixate on this one person and get hung up on fantasizing about him as your one-and-only, that’s only going to create performance anxiety.
Have OPTIONS… don’t fixate on that one guy until you’re actually a couple. It’s to your advantage to have as many options as possible until one man steps up to the plate to claim you all to himself. Groveling for one man’s affection is a bad strategy, no matter how romantic it might seem in certain lights.
Hope that’s helpful.

Reply August 26, 2012, 5:37 pm


This article is BS; no guy would ever friend zone a chick.

Reply August 23, 2012, 2:28 am

Eric Charles

You are wrong.

Reply August 23, 2012, 7:43 pm


very wrong.. /:

Reply September 8, 2012, 4:38 pm


Can you be friend-zoned by a friend with benefits?

Reply August 10, 2012, 1:44 pm


Great article! I am in this zone where I really like a guy and he just thinks of me as a friend. Even before reading this article I had started on step one and two. I accepted that he is just a friend for now and started working on myself. Have lost a few kgs already and people have started commenting on it :) I feel great and am keeping myself busy with a lot of things. Its been two months now and I have had difficulty doing the third bit, but since a week or so have started on that as well. What a co-incidence that you suggested the same steps that I already started applying. At least I know that am on the right path so thank you so much!

Reply August 9, 2012, 12:02 am


ok I started dating a man about 6 months ago, he was going through a divorce after 27 years and I was the girl he could talk to. I listened to him day and night, hung out with him helped him move into a new apartment and even helped him decorate. Anyhow we started seeing each other while he was still at home we were hot and heavy even though we didnt sleep together for two months and when we did it was a 6 a best, seems he has some problems due to a breakage 10 years ago.
We get along amazingly, its scary we are very much alike. We have traveled together, gone on weekend trips, introduced our kids to each other and generally were hanging out alot. Well about three months ago and a few other time he has made it clear to me that he didn’t want to get into a commited relationship but at the time he wasnt seeing anybody. Although I didn’t like what he was saying I could understand, that he had been married for 27 years (oh yeah Im sure he fooled around for 20 of them) and although the papers are filed and they will obtain a divorce he just was not ready to commit to one person. On a trip to Vegas two months ago he said the same thing, but said we should both date other people. He said I meant the world to him and he thinks I’m just the best but he felt the need to see what else is out there.
I told him I didn’t like it but I respect his feelings, what will be will be. Anyhow we were supposed to go to Turkey and his business pulled him to China and he had been planning an Amazon trip with the boys so he sent me to Turkey (very generous) he went to China and then on to the Amazon (Boys trip lol) So he gets home and mind you we havn’t been intimate in 5-6 weeks because of travel but he has a male friend pick him up from the airport. Now I know in my heart of hearts he is doing someone else anyhow but I didn’t expect to handle it so poorly.
Last night he told me he met someone out of the state, they went to the Amazon together and he cared for her as much as he cared for me. Shoot I thought I could handle it, but I got emotional and very insecure. I’m in great shape, I surf, run, pilates watch what I eat and look much younger than what I am. I end up sleeping over (we were drinking couldn’t drive) but can’t get into him, I didn’t want to touch him I felt sick to my stomach.
Im crazy about him but immediately go hone in the morning and do my thing well after finding your article. His birthday is Tuesday and we are going to Catalina with some of his friends and then his son and I are taking him out to dinner. I knew this was inevitable but I feel like he should of told me, maybe he told me as soon as he could of i don’t know. The only thing we have ever promised each other that no matter what we will come out as friends. He asked me if I was ok this morning and I told him I don’t like the situation but it is what it is and told him he didn’t promise me anything. I know I can’t sleep with him, I hope I don’t get back into bed with him not right now. I’m just wonering if I was the filler to help him get through his divorce, you know the friend that helps but gets left behind. The filler. This neighbor of his has been asking me to talk to him for two months and he is extremely attractive, they don’t know each other and I was wondering if that is to close to home? I owe the guy a beer lol and I’d like to buy him a six pack and put your plan in action what do you think? Fish somewhere else or go for the neighbor, I am sure I can be discreet at least initially just to see how the guy is.
One more thing I do feel kinda stupid, even though I won’t let him or anyone else know I am crushed right now its all I can do to swallow. I feel rejected, I feel used I was his friend the only one he could talk to any time day or night, he introduced me to his children we did a kids vacations (our kids are in the mid 20″s) I feel horrible inside shoot what did I do wrong? Don’t you think he could of sat me down when we were not drinking or maybe told me before he went.

Reply July 22, 2012, 9:43 pm


Would you say that this is also a guide to getting out of the “friends with benefits” zone? I think I’m in love with my fwb and he seems hesitant to commit to anything. My question is how to scale back ( stop the constant contact and sleeping together) without having a conversation about it?

Reply July 8, 2012, 12:18 am

Eric Charles

No – friends with benefits is a completely different scenario. I’ve written about it before in a bunch of Ask a Guys, so you can search for those (anything having to do with “friends with benefits” or “booty call”, etc.)
Friendzone happens because the girl isn’t triggering attraction in the guy. Booty call relationships happen because she is triggering attraction in the guy, but not love or urgency to commit.

Reply July 8, 2012, 8:25 pm


Wow, I didn’t think you’d actually reply! Makes me feel like you really want to help. Thank so much and I’ll do some more research on your website!

Reply July 9, 2012, 12:47 am

Eric Charles

Sure… believe me, I would answer everyone’s questions if I had time… I just don’t. When I’m not being “Eric Charles”, I have to run two companies, do tons of work and take care of my employees. Writing these articles and answering stuff is what I do for free…

Reply July 9, 2012, 7:33 pm


Thanks, Eric. Great article! I’ve been following your advice for awhile and it’s really helping in all areas of my life.

I’ve fallen pretty hard for a guy who I’m pretty sure just wants to be my friend. And while I’m not at the point where I’m totally okay with it, I’m getting there.

Right now, I’ve been focusing on building my self-confidence and being the best version of myself. I’ve been practicing my butt off with violin–it’s something I love and it gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I’ve also taken up yoga, and it’s toning my body and getting me into great shape.

I feel like I’m on my way to looking and being my best. Other guys are beginning to notice too! I don’t know if this guy friend will ever come around, but at this point, it doesn’t really matter. I’m starting to believe that things will work themselves out, if not with this guy, then something equally fabulous. Thanks again!

Reply July 1, 2012, 10:19 am


ths is such an awesome post! i cn relate wit ths! im tryng hard 2 get out of friendzone..been inlove wit ds guy 4 2yrz..i am hs only bestfriend..we ar 4 hm we ar normal..i dnt want to assume coz i knw wer i stand..i love u so much best..if u only knew..

Reply June 28, 2012, 12:32 pm



You are fantastic! I started reading your articles in March after a recent, complicated and messy break-up (are there any other kind? lol). At first it was out of desperation for some help to find myself again and gain any hope of ever working it out again in the future. But your series of articles and emails have really turned around my perspective on relationships. I almost feel liberated, like I’m free for the first time and I’m HAPPY again.

I’ll try keep this short because I know you’re a busy man. I’ve followed your advice to a T and my ex and I are re-dating again (he approached me :) ). We’re not in a serious, committed, relationship, but we’re starting over and it’s great for us both. He’s treating my like a true gentleman should and I feel like our line of communication has been clearer than ever! We’re both getting on our feet, becoming mature, responsible adults, and being more social. We know what we were doing wrong before (expecting the other provide ALL the energy and happiness etc) and now I feel if we do take the official plunge back, we’ll be stronger than before. I’m still keeping my options open, my schedule full, and focusing on my career rather than obsessing, though. However, my question for you is: Do you have any articles that gives guidelines or advice about what happens AFTER you snag him back? I’ve skimmed over before, but I just wanted to make sure. I just feel now that we’re dating again, I sometimes question some of my moves or actions. Thanks again, Eric! You’re wonderful! :D

Reply June 5, 2012, 9:24 pm


Dear Eric, thanks for your advices.

I have a guy friend for a very long time, more than 23 years. we were high school classmates with the rest. we are both single. Initially, I have never fell for him because I had an 11 yrs relationship with my ex-fiance that ended up broken with him falling for younger girls as young as 19 yrs old, that time i was then 29.

Then, few years back, after a class reunion, this guy friend often asked me out. I initially took him as a friend. But his concerns for me is overwhelming and over-caring but it only last for a short period. He kept asking me out, concern for me and stuffs, even at times i rejected him but he still asked me out. Later, he found someone new, and slowly lessen his contacts but still asked me out once in a blue moon. I feel i was being led on and later being casted away when he found someone prettier.. however, everything is too late, I had fallen for him alot more than i could imagine. he is not handsome or anything, we have very different career issues, i wanted a higher education, he is comfortable with his qualifications. he lied to me a couple of times and i cried. i have never blame him, but maybe i was not good enough for him, that’s why he told my friend that he is not interested in me.. it’s very weird. his actions care for me, but sometimes, he turn very cold. i don’t understand what he is thinking. he said he is not good at expressing. At times, he is very nice, at many times, he turns very cold and quiet and sometiems, he is very rude at me. i am often feeling hurt because of his broken promises and when i was very ill, he didn’t come to visit me at all, even after i was discharged. alot of people asked me to distance myself from him, but i couldn’t do it, i really cherish him but yet i dun know what the hell i was doing, really.. why is love so complicated? and i feel ashamed of myself when he texted me saying he wants to stop contacting me and asked me not to bother about him or the rest of my mutual friends. I don’t know why i cannot be strong this time and feel so emotionally upset. Then, my friend on him and realised that he was also dating other girls, young girls. I became very afraid. Why was history repeating itself again or did i actually attract these type of guys who were not really into me. I tried to distance myself away from him but i find it too hard, because for the past 2 years, i really love him alot. Now, he said we are over and requested to keep a distance from me. I was very upset as i cried many times. With my poor health, i don’t know how long i will live. but personally, i feel love is unconditional. I feel as long as he is happy n blissful, i should feel happy for him for my feelings for him is really too deep, but unfortunately, he doesn’t have the same kind of feelings for me, as the other girls are alot prettier in terms of their face and they really know how to doll themselves up. You are very right in saying that guys care more about physical great looks than character, maybe many but not all. I’m very sad that eventhough i was very thin, i never possess the great cute model looks he wants. Now, it’s all very confusing, suddenly he withdrawn. and i was left alone to fight the emo battle alone, though he said we will still be friends but he tried not to be there for me anymore. Can you give me some advices, should i continue to wait for him or move on? I’m totally exhausted both physically and emotionally drained after all had happened. Can you help me? Is he playing with my feelings or is he confused or is it b’cos i’m never good enough in his eyes? I do not want my self-esteem to be hurted by him, really. With lots of thanks and gratitutes.

Reply June 4, 2012, 4:41 pm


Eric thank you for this article first of all. I am in a verson of this situation. This guy started out very interested in me and I turned him down. He then would fight to get my attention. I soon became his friend he would confide in when he was having problems in his relationships. He has said at different times how he wishes I lived closer and how he wants to one day be the man of my dreams. As I have gotten to know him I love him more and more each day. He says he worries that he isn’t good enough. ( He is very damaged ) he has been hurt so much I think he fears the thought of losing me too. But I have noticed that when I show him a lot of attention he backs off. I wonder if its because he fears that if it goes to that point that it will end badly and that will be it. I really don’t know what to do but your articles have been helping. Thank you :)

Reply June 2, 2012, 11:36 pm


I’ve been friendzoned. It’s never happened to me before. After much angst I decided just to enjoy it, why complain that a nice man likes my company?
Enjoyed your article. It’s never wrong to be happy (genuinely happy, not pretend happy).

Reply June 1, 2012, 10:35 pm


some men (like in my case) like to treat friendzone as a way of getting what they want without necessarily commiting to the cause.

I want to get out of friendzone because this man I’m seeing wants all the perks of a relationship without necessarily giving me what I want in return. If someone is going to be my friend, they are going to be my friend…PERIOD. Kissing, holding hands, sleeping in the same bed, but then have the freedom to not meet any of my expectations isn’t going to work.

Reply September 6, 2012, 4:20 pm


This is the most refreshing article I have read on this subject… and the only one I have found that actually eases my mind. I am going through a situation that completely fits under the ‘damaged goods’ category. I am definitely going to be trying this out. Thank you!

Reply May 10, 2012, 10:18 pm


This totally happened to me.

I asked this guy out, he said no. He was really into this other girl. I said okay. I was more worried about losing his friendship. We’re very good friends and I kind of just left the situation alone and left him alone and moved on. We see each other all the time, so I really tried to not pay attention to him. Now, he’s crawling all over me. Except, now, I don’t want to date him. He’s still into the other girl.

But yes, leaving him alone and just taking care of me and worrying about what I had to do and not him, I think made him realize something he didn’t see before.

Reply May 5, 2012, 11:12 pm


Hey Eric, I have a question? Its going on a year and i have been dating a VIRGO male who is shy and he is mostly emotionally unavailable bc of a divorce when the wife cheated, remarried and had a baby with the new man. Its like he will get hold cold and weird. We got in a verbal fight few months ago and now are friends, so he says. He still flirts and I have to do most if not all the first calls and texting. He will text back and flirt and return my calls. He says being friends is easier, yet we will stay on the phone for 3 hrs and he is very busy at the gas station, grocery store and will get beeps and tell the other people he will call them later.Is he really wanting to be with me or only friends. I think he likes me yet is afraid to get close bc of his divorce. What do u think?

Reply April 11, 2012, 9:30 pm


I have been (embarrassingly) reading articles online about this subject for months, looking for reassurance or advice or answers of any sort. This is by FAR the best article I’ve read. One of the only good ones actually. Realistic and thorough, not pandering or silly. And the advice here is great. Most sites claim guys never truly put girls in the friend zone…too narrowly interested in sex…but I think I’m dealing with a case of damaged goods like you mentioned. That’s how we got close actually, I was the only person he could talk to about the girl breaking his heart. That was a year ago almost, and I liked him even then. Then I really fell for him once he started getting over her and wasn’t miserable all the time. Now it’s been some months and we talk all the time, spend lots of time together, even flirt. We’re best friends. I know he was badly hurt, and I know he didn’t like me like that at first, but I really do suspect he feels something for me now. He made me a Valentine’s CD. We cuddle (he initiates it) and hold hands (also initiated by him.) In the finger-strokey, I’m-telling-you-a-secret-message way. But we’ve never discussed our feelings for each other, other than how much we appreciate the friendship. It’s the only thing we don’t talk about. People tease us about being a couple, my friends say I’m crazy to doubt his feelings for me. But he hasn’t made an actual move. I’m afraid to because 1)no guy I’ve liked has ever liked me as more than a friend. 2) I know he isn’t keen on relationships after what happened to him. 3) Technically he isn’t allowed to have a girlfriend so I see it as his decision to step over that boundary. I respect that and wouldn’t want to pressure him. 4) We’re graduating soon and going to different colleges, might not be worth risking it now. Or maybe it’s the perfect time to risk it, I can’t decide.
Basically all I want is some clarity. I’m going crazy. I’ve never felt this strongly for someone, and never been this close to a guy. I’m sick of dissecting his behavior, searching for signs of something more. And if he doesn’t see me as more than a friend, then I’m sick of being led on. Friends don’t hold hands like that. I’m not going to hand out the girlfriend privileges to someone who’s toying with my emotions. I just want to know. But it’s so hard to bring up. I can’t tell if I should, or the best way to word it. It really is a complicated situation. I don’t want to lose him, but it’s hard to even enjoy him as a friend with all this on my mind. Any advice?
In the mean time I will begin implementing these tactics asap :) Thank you!

Reply April 5, 2012, 3:42 am

Eric Charles

Thanks so much, I really appreciate the compliments and glad you found it helpful. Glad to have you as a reader.

Reply April 5, 2012, 11:10 am



So my friend who I vibed with so well decided to try dating me when I told him I liked him. He was lonely, got out of a long-term relationship and was depressed, and I was perfect in many ways except he wasn’t attracted to me. Since I didn’t think attraction was a big deal, and would develop in time (he thought maybe so too), we just started.

The thing I don’t get is before I told him I liked him, he would follow me around in a very light way. Not sexual, but he had a kind of man-crush on me, I guess. We would spend the whole day together, write long emails and have long phone conversations.

When we started trying, we went for walks and spent time at his house. Eventually, things got somewhat heated. And on most days, we would spend hours just lying together, watching movies, and he often pushed up against me. So I thought he was attracted to me, and the physical thing just developed.

But we went on a date-like date. It was our first. I got dressed up, did my hair, and he did too. When we went to the restaurant, he had a look of repulsion that I can’t explain. When we went back to his place, as he cuddled with me, he explained that he didn’t want us to be like that, and preferred our normal relationship at home together. And sometimes, he would get off me saying that he shouldn’t go far with me, since he’s not attracted to me enough to commit. He said he wanted to date many other girls.

Eventually we stopped things because that’s what other people advised. And it took 3 months to actually stop seeing each other. When we are together in groups, I still get this feeling of him following me around and wanting to talk with me. It’s like I’m his favorite person.

The question I had for Eric was about the repulsion I saw in his face. I saw it several times, and thinking about it now, it breaks my heart. I’m not that ugly honestly. And I think it’s fine that this particular person was not physically attracted to me. What I don’t understand is what that repulsion was? Why did someone who spent so much time with me, get grossed out by going to a romantic dinner with me?

The second thing about men I’d like to understand is the attraction/sex thing. He was always grabbing my very nice/large breasts, and he always wanted me in his arms, but how come he decided he was not attracted to me? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I’m about 40 pounds overweight, and he has this fantastical idea that he’d be attracted to me if I lost weight and continues to check me out whenever he can as I lose weight. I’m not losing weight for him, but in the time that we are apart, I can’t help but hope he does get attracted to me. But at the same time, I am disgusted/saddened that this guy is “naturally” repulsed by me, as I am now. And think that he would continue to not find me attractive even if I were thinner/dressed hotter etc just cause we’re missing something. I wish though Eric you could tell me what that is. What is the definition of a man being attracted to a woman, and how can he be attracted to me, when he seemes physically repulsed by me? And how come he still wants me in his arms, when he’s supposed to be physically repulsed by me?

Men are confusing. And the memory of his repulsed face still breaks my heart every day. It helps me not to like him of course, but to know that someone was repulsed by me makes me feel very low.

Reply April 5, 2012, 12:56 am


Wow, I’m in highschool
and these articles just make so much sense, even some of my adult friends said they wish they had guidance like this in highschool. High school is super difficult on its own wish I had foind this earlier. THANKS SOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!

Reply April 4, 2012, 4:24 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much for the comment – glad to hear it’s been helpful for you. Glad to have you as a reader.

Reply April 4, 2012, 4:34 pm


HI Eric,

I have a different story, i started to know this guy at work. He did the same when we started text lots, made calls and then we cuddled one time and then he backs off a week after. I was in some emotional distress in one area of my life and I tend to be needy and must have pissed him off. It was also when we cuddled that made me so attached to him as I thought it was already one sign that he likes me. I was wrong. I was also sick of thinking of the whole thing and him backing off so there was a time that I blurted out that I do like him more than a friend. He replied he was sorry to have led me to think that way. I was of course sad, he still talked and we exchanged smiles at work. What I hate the most is that when I text him he sometimes do not reply and when I am so determined not to text him as I get overly pissed he suddenly text me. I do not want to be mean, I reply when he sent me text although in my mind I want to do what he did to me but my heart is also saying yes go ahead and text him back. He mentioned that he like being with me but at this time relationship is not in his priorities. I am confused and now thinking of many things as one of my friend told me that our togetherness means something and even people at work are thinking we are dating. My other friend told me, he must be gay. I do not know what to think but I am just confused, I hate feeling down and getting affected by his cold withdrawal thinking of the wonderful start we once had.

Reply July 5, 2012, 4:33 am


I have to say I love this website and all the articles I’ve read. Especially the dating/relationships articles….. I need some advise on what to do.

I met this guy in Sept 2011 and we have a fun time together and we text each other everyday. The thing is we’re not dating we just hang out as friends, but he treats me like a girlfriend which is nice but kinda confusing. He makes me candle light dinners, he surprises me with movies I want to see, he buys me gifts, he’s affectionate & very sweet. He is a great friend and I’d like to be more than friends. I read an article saying if you want to be more than friends with your guy friend you have to be patient. I have no problem being patient, but I would like to know how can I tell if he feels the same?

Also my friends have told me that it seems he likes me more than a friend just by the things he does for me.

Is he telling me something (without saying it) that I’m not getting it?

Reply April 4, 2012, 12:23 pm

Patricia Price

I must admit that you have the mind of an eagle, sharp, focused/and you don’t use useless words, you’re direct, straight and to the point…I find this most refreshing….and want to just say thank you….

Reply March 29, 2012, 1:44 am

Eric Charles

Thanks so much, I really appreciate you saying that. Glad you liked it.

Reply March 30, 2012, 3:16 pm


Hi Eric, really good manly advice as usual I just wanted to mention what happened to me with the whole friend to fling thing. I met my best guy friend and future husband within a few weeks of each other 10 ish years ago. My bgf has been there for me through thick and thin and became part of my family but never anything more than friends. When my marriage ended I started talking to bgf a lot and we joked about him being my rebound (har har). He asked me out and things starting getting serious which was great for me cuz it took my mind off the disaster of my failed marriage but was not really able to make ummm rational decisions about what was going on. So after him leading the way and me happily following he decides he doesn’t have time for a relationship (wut? was that what was happening?) and just wants to be friends. I complained about my loss of fabulous distraction but tried to “give him the space he wanted” by going out with other people. That didn’t go over well either… something he said early on about wanting this for so long passed through my head… maybe he just wanted to slow things down not actually just be friends? Anyhow I was an idiot for obvious reasons and now he is not speaking to me at all. So I lost my hubs and bgf within a few months after 10 years together! I would just caution others that taking the friend thing to the next level may result in losing the friend no matter how much you apologize later. Now that I’m in a sane happy place I’m missing my friend way more than the ex hubs :(

Reply March 27, 2012, 10:48 pm


Eric, I’m in a similar situation. I really could use your perspective.

I think I just made a bad move! I told this guy that I’ve come to realize my worth, that my time, heart and body is a prize, not to be given away freely (Which is not a bad thing). Then I tell him that I’ll remain forbidden fruit, off limits to him and that I’d like to be cordial, nothing else. After thinking about what I said, I’m beating myself up! No way was it even necessary for me to say that.

I think I only did say it because I asked him prior if it was okay that I stay in touch every once in a while, and he didn’t reply. It always feels like he’s playing mind games with me. In my prior message I told him that I didn’t want to pester him, and wanted to know if it was okay if I stay in touch every once in a while, and it was okay if he didn’t think it was a good idea, but he didn’t respond back to me. Now I feel like I’ve acted on impulse, instead of controlling my emotions and possibly have blown any possible chance of him ever being attracted to me again.

Reply March 24, 2012, 11:08 pm


“The sooner that you can accept that guys respond to the physical appearance of women, the sooner you can use it to your advantage”
really? REALLY? I think its great you are trying to help women with their self-confidence and all, but this is NOT the way to do it. Women are not just sexualized beings who need to “punch up their look”, “master their makeup” and “dress right”, and any man who requires this of a woman needs to take a long, hard (pun intended) look at himself before judging her. just sayin.

Reply March 24, 2012, 12:56 am

Eric Charles

OK, so you’re saying that these things won’t help a woman increase her chances with attracting a man?

Reply March 24, 2012, 1:41 pm


Maybe you were just responding to the way he said it. Let me rephrase, pulling in another idea from the OP that you did not appear to object to. Guys like a new, blank canvas of a woman on which to project their fantasies. And they are stimulated visually. So if you want a guy to see you in a different light, try to look distinctly different from how he’s used to seeing you. You could get frumpier but it probably won’t help. So instead, take inventory and find a few things to improve. It’s not a big deal, it’s like remodeling your bedroom. The old bedroom was fine but it’s good to update, keep things fresh, take advantage of the new styles (dresses) and gadgets (zumba!). There is a surprising amount of wiggle room to express yourself within the confines of what guys like. Also it is amazing how even a small weight loss or good makeup application works on them, and most of them are seriously not asking for perfection. You want a magic pill to get guy friends’ attention, even better than being a stranger? Be an aesthetically better version of yourself. Coincide that with letting them see you date people, and that’s all you have to do. It’s actually pretty easy. But then there’s a whole new stage, which is figuring out who’s only in it to have sex with you. That’s covered in other places on here.

Reply April 4, 2012, 9:45 pm

Eric Charles

Lisa – this is a great rephrase of what I was going for.
Part of the problem is simply because I’m a guy daring to suggest that a woman work on her looks to improve her chances to attract men.
It’s silly, but if I were a girl suggesting the exact same thing it wouldn’t be an issue at all.
I’m just here to help.

Reply April 5, 2012, 11:22 am


I’m just really glad to read this article. It’s validating. No wonder I’ve been doing better in the romance department ever since I adopted the mantra “Always look better than the last time they saw you.” That plus patience, thinking long-term, like you said. Frankly I’ve come to appreciate my many imperfections for just this reason. Always a new trick up my sleeve, that’s how I choose to see it.

Reply April 5, 2012, 6:50 pm

Mina Bertarelli

Wow! Every article I read is more fascinating than the next. This one in particular is brilliant. It makes perfect sense and I love how you outline an entire battle-plan. Some people can’t handle the truth and most of your articles include: THE TRUTH. And like you wrote, if it doesn’t work, then, it wasn’t meant to be. It’s still a win-win situation. Thanks for sharing your effective and amazing advice!

Reply March 22, 2012, 8:08 am

SunShine! :-)

I told my mom last night I would do this!! This exact list! In the end it is a win-win, I will look GREAT! My goals will be accomplished AND I will be happy and fulfilled! Also, there could possibly be another GREAT FANTASTICALLY AMAZING GUY around the corner! lol Thanks for the confirmation!

Reply March 6, 2012, 12:37 pm

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