Ask A Guy:  Why Do I Attract the Guys I Don’t Like and Not the Ones I Do? post image

Ask A Guy: Why Do I Attract the Guys I Don’t Like and Not the Ones I Do?

Meeting guys and having guys interested in me is not a problem.  I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I’m in good shape and everyone tells me how pretty I am so I don’t doubt my physical attractiveness.

Here’s the thing: There is a guy I see a lot (he’s a friend of a friend) and I’ve developed a crush on him. I was trying to find out if he was into me and a friend of mine quoted him saying that I was a “cool girl, but not his type”.

I really like this guy – I want to understand why he doesn’t like me and if there’s anything I can do to get him to like me and see me as a romantic interest.

OK, before I even begin talking about why a guy might like you or not like you, just remember that you really don’t KNOW what he said or how he really feels.  All you know is something a friend told you he said.

But here’s a common problem I hear from women and men about their dating lives: They can get the ones they don’t want to fall head-over-heels in love with them, but when they find someone they want, they fail miserably.

And it sounds like that’s what you’re describing.

It really doesn’t matter how good you are with getting people who you don’t want to lust for and adore you…  You don’t want them, so they really aren’t options anyway.

The real issue here is what is the problem that “wanting” is causing?

In other words:  If you can have the ones you don’t want wrapped around your finger as love slaves, then something about you “wanting” someone is what’s causing the real problem here.

Let’s examine what those common problems are:

He’s out of my league / I’m not good enough for him

Mindset is everything in dating.  When you BELIEVE and ASSUME that you are irresistibly attractive and that a man (or any man) wants you hardcore, it often comes about.Thing is, sometimes women make “identities” out of their problems – what starts out as a quirky, lighthearted complaint keeps getting repeated until it suddenly becomes their reality and they believe that this is out of their control.

Your beliefs and your dating/relationship reality are completely under your control.  But you need to step up and stop programming your mind with garbage.  If you’ve been falling into the trap of telling the only-the-ones-I-don’t-want-want-me sob story, STOP IT and never do it again.Instead, start “brainwashing yourself” into this belief:  The ones I want the most will find me irresistible and they want me, hard.  Now, you may say, “Eric, even if I repeated that to myself a thousand times it would still not believe it.”

Why not?  Think about it.  There are tons of women… even women who are married… who have never experienced having men obsessed with them, chasing them, idolizing them… you have.  You have experience being a type of girl that the vast majority of other women don’t have.

So if you just stop telling that sob story to yourself and act and BELIEVE around those that you want using the same vibe as the ones you didn’t want, then you’ll get the same result.  And the more in-demand a guy is, the more he’s craving to meet a girl who actually feels like a worthy partner to him.

You’re only not good enough when YOU decide that you aren’t good enough.


I lose interest once guys become interested in me.

People can be funny animals at times.I’ve known girls that would obsess over guys – chasing, checking their texts, etc… until he started liking them back or showing signs of commitment.These girls loved the chase.  They loved the notch on the belt.  But most importantly, they loved the reassurance to their ego – having their “prize” like them back validated them as being good enough in the world.

I’m not here to judge, but if that’s your mindset, then I think you’re best course of action is to really examine yourself and see if you have an issue becoming vulnerable to people or opening up.  In these types of cases, a fear of becoming vulnerable or sharing a real connection / bond is terrifying to these women (or men) and once that psychological hole is repaired, then the potential for a relationship becomes possible.

He seemed interested, but then lost interest.  Now I’m hooked on him and he’s withdrawing.

OK, when he was interested, you were living and enjoying your life.Oftentimes when this happens, a woman goes from living a full, well-balanced life to putting all her eggs in one basket: the relationship.  Instead of going out with friends, she hangs out with the boyfriend.  Instead of exercising at the gym, she eats Ben & Jerry’s and watches movies with the boyfriend.  Instead of doing the hobbies and interests she loves, she spends time with the boyfriend. And at first it’s magical and fun… the reason is that both the guy and the girl are “full” – full of love of themselves, full of love of their life, full of a great mood and outlook.But then they start swapping out all the things that “filled them up” in their life and they replace with spending more and more time with each other.  They make the error of thinking that the relationship is filling them up, when in fact, their great relationship is a bi-product of them leading a full life and loving themselves

So in the case of what you’re talking about, most women don’t realize this and they make the tremendous mistake of trying to “repair the relationship”.  The relationship is not the problem – it is always a bi-product of your life.

To improve your relationship, improve your life and your love for yourself.  If a relationship “makes you” crazy, neurotic and paranoid, it is inevitable that the relationship will fall apart (and it will fall apart even quicker if you act on your crazy, neurotic, paranoid state of mind and blame him for it…)

Fill your life with activities you love, people you love, etc.  Fill your mind with love for yourself – the woman who wants love from the world but cannot bring it about in herself will be forever thirsty for love…  Love always starts within you and flows outward.


Plain and simple, he doesn’t like me.  He’s not attracted to me.

First, let’s be clear on “liking” and “attraction”.I remember one girl that I hated at first, but found really attractive.  We eventually hooked up and it was actually pretty awesome… but that’s beside the point.The important thing is not to confuse “liking you as a person” and “feeling attraction for you”.  Two separate things. I’ve had women I’ve loved as people but couldn’t force an ounce of attraction for them if I tried.  And I’ve felt tons of attraction to some women who I loathed as people.  Nature is funny, I guess.

To be clear though, I like the vast majority of women that I’m attracted to.  I’m not trying to say that being “hate-able” is a strategy for getting guys attracted.  It’s not.

I am saying that provoking emotions, positive or negative, is usually a sign that attraction potential is there.

Moving on to my other point…

This is similar to what I was saying at the first part – when you ASSUME he wants you, you are far more likely to have him end up wanting you. Why?  Because when you think you’re hot, you come across as confident.

Most people (and their thoughts) are not well-formed, concrete decisions.  They’re kind of gray, on-the-fence, neutral thoughts unless spiked with emotion or inspiration from the outside.

So when a person believes strong enough that they are hot and irresistible, the minds of others subconsciously pick that up and just roll with it (unless given a massive reason not to).

From a psychological standpoint, it’s fascinating.  Even when you’re not a guy’s type, if you believe he wants you hard enough, oftentimes you’ll tip the scale and his mind will make an exception for you.

I learned this trick from an ex-girlfriend actually.  I never told her this, but I was never into fair-skinned girls with freckles – just not my type.  But I was really into her – I thought she was hot, sexy and irresistible.  Man, she had me chasing her… she definitely played me for a fool.

And the power behind how she got me so wrapped-up on her was on this powerful assumption.  There was a night where she casually told me, “Oh yeah, when me and my friend go to the bar, we act like we own the place.  I don’t care what people think, I don’t care who they are – when I am there, I am the celebrity, I get what I want and everyone wants me.”

And she was right – she was actually a fairly shy girl, but when she stepped into a party or bar, she always owned and commanded the room.

If you can master what I’m explaining here, you’ll have that power too.  Even if you’re “not his type.

So there you have it – why he doesn’t like you and what to do to turn the scales in your favor.

Hope that helps,

eric charles


Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Waoh, I actually read through all these comments and one thing I’ve noticed is that a majority of the people here are women and some absolutely ridiculous things guys do leaving them so confused leading me to the conclusion that men must be the problem. They are the ones making life so difficult They come into a relationship and don’t expect you to love and need them like what the hell it’s called a freaking romantic relationship Why can’t it be very simple like if you don’t like someone or don’t see yourself marrying them then don’t date them or give attitudes suggestive of you liking them it’s really that simple you don’t have to be mean but not stringing people along will do so much good to the world because these people actually like you that’s why there’s so much heartbreak and leading women to doubt themselves and their worth because when you show up on and off like a short electric circuit, it becomes confusing it is much better dealt with if you simply told us how you feel it is better because we can accept and move on. I can’t imagine myself dating someone I don’t like or not plan to spend the rest of my life with them other things being equal. I had guys who have asked me out and because I don’t like them, I appreciate them and I tell them nicely and I’m still friends with them. Those guys have not had a problem moving on and I have not had a problem with them moving on either so they know I don’t like them and they can move on and everybody is happy nobody’s self worth is sabotaged or I keep stringing them along making them feel they have to do something to make me like them. All I’m saying is, Guys, freaking know what you want and don’t be afraid to show others too.

As for me, I have never been in a relationship (partly due to what I’ve written up there I don’t like to waste people‘s time and I don’t like time wasters too)

Also, I’m 24yrs I’ve had guys (talking about guys I like now) who obviously like me not sure how much though because the most they ever do is be friendly but I have never had anyone of those I like or would like ask me out or how to initiate the dating process. Because those guys don’t initiate it with me neither do I know how to initiate it either. So what could be the reason? And how can I break this.or could it be that they don’t like me at all? just like I won’t think of initiating anything with someone if I don’t like them. There’s currently a crush I have, in a professional work setting he talks to every other person but me and we are awkward around each other. How do I initiate anything with this type of person? not forgetting all of the insecurities, signs reading, and all of that that tend to come to play. Or could it be he doesn’t like me?

Reply October 13, 2021, 8:57 am


Women signal men they find attractive to approach them. For men like me who are unattractive to women, approaching any woman is by default creepy, irrespective of our intention. No woman has ever signalled to me to approach, so I have never done so, even though I find some women very attractive. For me to approach would by definition be creepy. There is no evidence to support a contrary claim to this. Were I to approach a woman, she would consider me a creep and I would likely be accused. No thanks.

Reply December 24, 2020, 1:13 pm


I am turning 21 in less than two months, and I have yet to have a romantic relationship. Hell, I have yet to have a guy say ‘hi’ to me ever or even hold hands with a guy. I’m really short (not even 5’2”), but I’m really curvy. I thought that was something a lot of men looked for in a woman. All of my sisters, two older and one younger, had boyfriends by the time they were fifteen. I do go out and try to meet new people. I get out of my comfort zone. I do talk to guys, but nothing ever happens. I even tell the guys that I find them attractive or that I want to start seeing more of them, and they all say something along the lines of them not being attracted to me, not being ready for a relationship, or not wanting a relationship. I never had a guy reciprocate my feelings. I never had a guy say that he likes me romantically. I even went so far as to lower my standards and my expectations. I honestly would take anyone right about now. I feel so invisible and so unwanted by everyone. I try really hard with every guy, but it always leads to a brick wall. I’m trying to be patient, but it’s nearly been twenty-one years. When is it gonna happen? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I get a boyfriend? Why doesn’t any guy find me attractive?

Reply July 19, 2020, 8:42 pm

Latasha Hall

I am turning 29 very soon, and not one guy will ever say hi or just not wanting to come toward me, I am either coming off too strong or I am just not good enough? Help

Reply November 2, 2019, 5:12 pm


My issue is that I only attract men who are already taken. Whenever I meet a guy and we are both attracted to one another, get on really well, have loads in common, flirt like crazy… a few hours/days/weeks (depending on how often I see him) he will mention he has a girlfriend/wife. By that point I’ve fallen for him and got my hopes up, so I get hurt. And I’m not interested in being anyone’s ‘bit on the side’, so I have to back away.

It’s the same offline and online. Dating sites are even worse. I only get hit on by married men or those with girlfriends. Occasionally I’ll get someone who is divorced with kids, but I don’t want to spend the next few years negotiating holidays with another woman and being a surrogate mother. Other than that it’s very young men wanting an ‘older’ woman (I’m only 32!) and I have zero attraction for younger men or very old/fat/bald men who could be my grandfather. But 90% of the ones who hit on me are 5-15 years older and already taken. Without fail.

I don’t know what to do. It’s like I have some invisible (to me) sign plastered across my forehead. I’m sick of finally meeting a guy who’s a great match after looking for months, then finding out he’s not available! And yes, I’m VERY careful to look for wedding rings or signs of kids, as I want to meet someone who is actually single and available to date! This has been going on for years and at this point I’m scared I’m going to be single for the rest of my life!

Reply February 6, 2019, 2:29 pm


Hi Ellie! Your post sounds identical to the issues I’m facing now. I’m 41 and I get grandpas and usually ugly guys to talk to me but the cute guys seem like they’re repulsed by me. I seriously think I may have been a mean girl with cute guys using them and now I’m paying for it…but I hope that I “ay” in full soon so that I have a shot at a few cute guys that I can choose from and not be at the mercy of. I wish they didn’t sense my insecurities…this is the mist difficult thing to do! to be able to love myself and think highly of myself when the evidence shows to the contrary.

Reply April 4, 2019, 7:20 pm



Reply April 4, 2019, 7:23 pm

Millie dsmmier

What to do if your boyfriend has all kinds of excuses ( too busy,40 miles is too far away)for why not seeing yu more than once every five weeks! However, if I go out of town, he has a melt down! I,really am into this guy. When we are together it is great!

Reply March 17, 2018, 12:18 pm

Jannie mae Maynard

I came here because your “Ask me a question” came to me and i was wondering if you could help me. I’m becoming depressed. I ONLY keep attracting men who either just want to use me of sleep with me. Or dudes who are sweet but NOT MY TYPE. What so ever. I’m confident, I’m myself, I’m real and positive, I’m honest, tactful, loving, supportive, i make eyecontact with all men. I talk,… (I don’t over talk or make creepy eye contact) i recently got sick last year and have put on a little weight… (I’m still a very pretty lady however…) I have a nice clean lady like walk, i dress like i have respect for myself (i can be a little sexy too). I’m mild tempered, a good mom, hard working, shy some times, but open. I often find VERY attractive men looking and me. Even gym types. Tall and handsome. Some also try and talk to me… (Sleep with me, or use me) whatever. I’m not a gold digger. I smile… (Not creepy desperate smile) at men. I don’t use men. I know that you always speak about self image and confidence, but i can’t help but start to take it personal… What am i doing WRONG?! I feel worthless. Ppl ALWAYS for the most part seem to love me. My clients like me/love me. My relationship with my parents is good now. My new goal is to start going out more so that i can start living more of my dreams, get more hobbies. I’m open to meeting new ppl and make some new friends… Maybe a few of those new friends could be a decent quality guy?.. Maybe someone decent looking and more of my type? I LOVE the outdoors, nature, running, rock climbing… About to start working out again… Still working on small health issues. I LOVE adventure. I’m totally down for ANYTHING… Nothing wild or demeaning.. I’ve been sinlge and celibate for 5yrs. Now. I don’t use sex as a weapon against men, i always stand up for myself/not a door matt. And NO i don’t spend money on men.. Unless they have proven to be about something and not just after one thing or he’s a user. I DON’T go overboard by ANY means. I’m all about balance. I had a dysfunctional upbringing, but I’ve been to counseling for all of this. I do positive daily ready, I’ve worked with charities. I’m a GREAT catch. I’m funny, sweet, patient, I’m not bossy, i allow ppl to just be themselves, i don’t try to change ppl. What can i do to have better luck with men? I usually meet ppl at the store, driving, the gas station, park. Never the gym, never at church, never at charity events. Why don’t REAL men try to talk to me except the ones that i don’t like or can’t stand? I’m myself when i talk to men, but… I just don’t get it? I feel like I’m a trash magnet. I watch all of these women around me,… Especially ones who don’t even look as good as me, pull these SEXY, tall, awesome father’s, hard working, decent or nice car, a nice apartment or house. Some of the women i meet use and cheat on their man, but yet HERE THAT MAN IS IS. Still sticks around, still attentive and loving to his girl/wife… And here i am, single and a bullshit magnet. I would LOVE to one day have a nice husband who loves and treats me right. I just want a man who excepts me for me and i him. Someone who motivates me but doesn’t put me down or naggs me. I don’t want an out of shape or short man. I just want someone who’s tall, decent figure or gym type, i also don’t mind a chunky man.. NOT fat and sloppy though, decent job or career or at least is ACTIVELY working on his goals, someone who would make a great father. Someone who loves adventure like me or at least doesn’t mind going along for the ride…. If love doesn’t find me, my life will still be AMAZING… but…. HELP!!!!

Reply June 6, 2017, 8:07 am

Same here

You sound like me and I am baffled myself…

Reply November 17, 2018, 7:22 pm

Been there

What do you do though when men you can’t stand won’t stop hitting on you and you never get a chance to meet anyone you might be interested in? By hitting on I don’t mean flirting, cheesy lines or asking you out,I mean agressive PUA techniques, standover tactics, games, trying to stitch you up, internet stalking and just plain bullying, I’m talking predatory behaviour and it’s everywhere, online, in coffee shops, waiting for a train.

I’ve worked out if I’m dressed up I get less of it, seems to intimidate a few of them, but it’s constant harassment and it’s starting to get to me, bad enough I’ve stopped going out. I’ve just moved to a new city so I need to be socializing, how do I shut this down or at least protect myself?

Reply March 25, 2017, 10:01 am


There is this guy that I like have since high school. That’s was 4 years ago. We talk and hang out sometimes. He consumes me, he challenges me, and makes me question every thing I believe in, my morals and sanity go out the window when I am with him, and at that moment I don’t care. About a year ago I told him how I felt, he said and I quote ” That we’ll he likes me he has a girlfriend whom he loves, that we could be friends and that one day he may brake up with her than him and I could date.” Well that is fine for him it hurts. He always wants to hang out, and I am not dumb, I knoe what he wants yet I want more than he is willing to give me. I don’t know how to stop. I can’t stop thinking about him. He is always on my mind. I am falling for him and it scares cuz I don’t know I I can stop.
Please help.
From desperately crazy,

Reply February 27, 2017, 6:40 pm

The Serious Truth

Well there are so many women still waiting for their Knight in shinning armor to sweep them off their feet since Most women are now very Picky when it comes to finding love. And what i will Never understand is that many women today are going with the Creepiest looking guys that i have ever seen in my life which i just Don’t get it at all, especially when these guys treat them mean with No Respect as well. There are many of us Good men out there that are still Available which unfortunately many women just Can’t see that.

Reply October 8, 2016, 6:20 am

excuse you

because these men that you describe as “creepy,” are hot. period. just like men who can get women dont give a flying f’ about her face and are looking at the body and sometimes bank account, same thing. good or not, if she’s not attracted to you it ends there, unless she is a golddigger with something to gain from you.

Reply April 24, 2017, 11:36 pm

sheilah Gitonga

what I can say, when I was 19-21 years I was in a bad shape, fat actually I wasn’t attractive ..i never made any make up… no guy approached me. it came a time I started watching my weight and I really changed and I become very sexy, Lol i had my first boy friend and we loved each other, but too bad he never loved me but he wanted sex and I escaped that trap.
after, many guys came along I was very attractive girl and ever smiling. but it’s too bad I have never loved any,
many suitors came along but they wanted sex, remembering I was a virgin oops, .but i came a long a crush.. I loved this guy but he wasn’t in to me that sucked me .
since my mind tells me how attractive I am, what’s pushing him away. it was very sad and I let it go me finding a serious guy it’s a process, since many want sex, goodies , but poor me i date a guy knowing he will marry me at a day.. not for fun but I love serious relationship. getting them is the problem. this my attractive face and body at times I feel bad, since it’s hard to find a good man

Reply September 12, 2016, 4:19 pm


I thought I was the only one in this,situation too!! I am 39, also many find me very pretty, I have red hair, nice shape, take care of myself,. Unfortunately, i mainly attract men twice my age, or men older who don’t take care of their appearance that drink or use drugs!! Men more my age, that I find attractive and a great match blow me off. I’m not sure why. I don’t know if they feel I’M out of THEIR league possibly, or that I’m snobby?? Yet the other types have no problem messaging me , or staring at me until i throw up in public!!I have found this out on dating sites, as well as in person. I wish I knew why this occurs. I carry myself well in public, always very well dressed. I’m very outgoing and not snobby to anyone. My options have just been limited to men I don’t want! Everytime I’d receive a message from a dating site , it would be from someone I wouldn’t think twice about!!! So, this alone will MAKE women who had good self-esteem start questioning themselves! ! Anyone have any suggestions in my case??

Reply June 21, 2016, 7:18 pm


I think it’s best summed up like this. Men and women think differently. It’s NOT the “laws of attraction” by any means. Some men tend to have lower self esteem when it comes to women they actually would have a MUTUAL attraction with so they intentionally sabotage a relationship with the one they ACTUALLY want to be with and settle for the mean girl or the one they can’t and shouldn’t bring home to mom.

Depending on just how low the guy’s self esteem is he will be intentionally rude to the nice girl who’s just as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside and completely reject her but marry the girl who throws hot coffee in his face and sleeps with all his friends. Some men push away what they really want while women do our best(not in a desperate manner usually) to ATTRACT what we really want.

If you’re a person who has a relationship with God and prays, believe me doll your heavenly Father knows better than anyone what you need & DESIRE and in His timing you will meet the man of your dreams. You will also receive plain as day confirmation from him that you are the woman of his dreams as well! It’s all a matter of time. Don’t stress about it and just be patient. Good things come to those who are WILLING to wait. :)

Reply February 5, 2016, 1:25 pm

Sharon Johnson

God I love the way you write! Concise, straight to the point, and full of positive vibes. Love it!

Reply September 2, 2015, 3:38 pm


So I just came across this article and it made me want to laugh out loud so hard. I always have felt like I am the only girl in this kind of situation. Always being told how gorgeous I am and how guys would kill to have me. But of course the guys who want me are never the guys that I want back. They are usually super sweet, but I just don’t feel “it” for them and it’s super frustrating :/ But at the same time, this me attracting LOTS of guys thing is kinda new. I used to be the girl who got bullied endlessly for my appearance. Namely my face because my teeth were messed up in a car accident when I was younger. So I became the “ugly”,friend to make all the pretty girls looks prettier. And of course all they guys that I liked ended up liking THEM. But boom, several years of maturation of orthodontic work and now I have a line of guys out the door practically. I actually was talking to a guy who I felt was “out of my league”. We got to talking and pretty much fell head over heels for each other. We had an amazing connection, both emotional and physical. Everything seemed absolutely perfect. I was everything he was missing and he was everything that i was missing. Long story short- he changed his mind two weeks later, saying that he wasn’t feeling “it”, we did the fwb thing for like 3 months, and out of the blue he got a girlfriend who is a model at that. My eating disorderd 14 year old self has now come back to haunt me. He wants to stay friends so we’re still talking but not fooling around. And were talking a lot less. But I can’t help but practically hate myself right now, wondering what the heck went wrong and just comparing myself to this image I have of the other girl.. I am practically imagining her as my pretty best friend from middle school. I’m sure this isn’t right. So I guess I’m stuck in the “I’m not good enough/he’s out of my league mentality” and having all other kinds of self-hating thoughts. Does anyone have any input or advice on this? Not sure if anyone will actually see this, lol.

Reply August 25, 2015, 9:51 pm


But anyways, I just find the whole situation super weird. I almost half don’t believe that he truly likes this other girl since what we had seriously felt perfect. Even when we were just doing the fwb thing, I still felt a very strong connection and when we were together, it almost felt like I was hanging out with a best friend.. But anyways, I just wanted to say that I know the feeling that was mentioned in the nitial post above. Wish I knew how to shake that feeling. And wish that I actually understood my situation. Tbh, I just feel like I will never be hot enough. Always been compared and maybe always will? How do I shake that? Lol.

Reply August 25, 2015, 9:55 pm


Hey i heard your comment. Yeah i would just say there is something better around the coner so forget that guy and dump him completely. If this article had anything good to say it was confidence is key. Am always too shy to talk to guys i like but am working on that. We need to feel good about ourselves. Confidence does work! There was one time i saw this guy at church and I would let him get away! I made him talk to me. He was adorable so my type. Found out he was studying for the priesthood. I was sad I really wanted him. My point is that its best to settle for the guy you need and not the guy you want. Look for inward qualities and guys who have the whole package not just looks. Hope this helps.

Reply February 16, 2016, 11:20 am


So guys typically friend zone me a lot. Idk something about me always catches their eye but not in the way I want it to. How do I change that?????

Reply August 12, 2015, 12:15 am


You need to get a FB! fake boyfriend. Sometimes when someone you like sees you with a boy friend they will start to notice. They then think your dateable because you got a boyfriend. Have a guy friend play along. Then once you been friends with the guy you like tell him you broke up. Give a real sob story. Cry on his shoulder. He will try to cheer you up and within a week or sooner dont be surprised if he ask you out.

Reply February 16, 2016, 11:26 am


Nooo do NOT I repeat do NOT cry on his shoulder. Major turn off. Show him that you couldn’t care less that it ended. Express independence not codependency.

Reply June 30, 2016, 9:21 pm


“Even when you’re not a guy’s type, if you believe he wants you hard enough, oftentimes you’ll tip the scale and his mind will make an exception for you.”

That means you can just as easily ‘tip the scale’ back the other way too and make him not like you again. Might as well just avoid the fickle.

Reply August 1, 2015, 7:46 pm


Hey Eric! Firstly, thank you for the articles; they absolutely rock. Secondly, I’d like some input, if you don’t mind…

I have an FWB I met online (from another city) whom I’ve been close to for over a year now. He was really into me when we first started talking, but I was getting over someone. We texted/sexted everyday and became quite close, and got along amazingly. We’ve met five times, going away on holiday together twice.

I’m craving more of a romantic attachment now, and I think he seems to sense that and is withdrawing a bit. My question is, is there a way to go back to square one after all this time? To get him to see me as something more than an FWB and get him to ‘chase’ me? I’d appreciate your take on this.

Reply May 22, 2015, 5:19 am


You’re amazing you are. I have always been attracted to a lower sort of man, because I thought that’s all I could get,and there was even a really bad man that would be interested in me. I did meet a really good looking man and I thought forget about it someone like that would never like me, but maybe he would. After reading your article you have made me realise that I could go for somebody nicer.

Reply March 20, 2015, 12:21 pm


Hi my boyfriend left me coz he had trust issues but the day he broke up with me he cried so hard telling me that all his relationship just don’t woke out, he said am beautiful and he had fear that I will leave him to go back to my ex, from the he decided his cutting off the communication, with in one month he moved on I asked him why? All he could ask is who are you? Then later on he sent sent a pic of his new woman just to let me know that his seeing someone now.we being together for 9 months and he wanted a kid already with me and started talking about us getting married and I told him it was so soon for all of those things now my question is did this man really loved me? For moving on so soon.

Reply February 15, 2015, 8:21 am


Your advice is a little contradictory. I just read an article about the things girls do to put men off and bragging was one of them. But then at the end of this article you insinuate that it was your ex-girlfriend’s bragging that got you hooked!

Reply January 27, 2015, 11:16 am


In this case, the girl was being a bit braggy, but I think the point was that she believed she was the hottest thing. Maybe this guy likes braggy girls, but most guys aren’t fans of that attitude. The thing is, you need to brag internally. Say to yourself: “Every single guy wants this.” and then believe it! You don’t have to say it out loud.

Reply April 5, 2015, 5:25 pm


Your quiz really maded sense

thanks Eric :-)

Reply September 9, 2014, 7:13 am


ok i have 2 questions..
1) ok well theres this guy, at school, who i dont really know but we keep making eye contact for a brief second everytime we see/walk past each other, does that mean anything???? i know that he has a gf tho…
2) i have this guy hes my best friend, but every now and then he gives me little compliments, like ”you always look pretty”,or ”i like ~ this ~ about you” and at first i thought he did like me, but hes just genuinely a nice guy and he compliments things like this to every girl hes friends with so i started to question, and i guess um just asking does this mean anything?? i could really use some help =)

Reply September 3, 2014, 7:48 am

excuse you

first guy is a wimp and he might just be seeking validation from you and be hiding a girlfriend somewhere- if they dont approach and you have seen them talk with other girls, this is usually the case- ignore the jerk. maybe he needs to ask the popular bully whether they like you or not. i would not read into it if i were you- it will drive you crazy. about your friend just ask him straight out- he might say oh no i was being nice blah blah, so then you will know.

Reply April 24, 2017, 11:41 pm


so true about the assumption thing.
i went to a wedding about a month ago, and i was quite fabulous, i knew it and there for i sent out waves of my confidence. i drew everyones eye. and one brave groomsman even came up to me and said how i was just radiating confidence.

Reply September 1, 2014, 6:57 pm


I know this is true first hand…..I’ve always thought I was average or below average looking until one day I looked back and realized I have had 6 men, if not more obsessed with me….and I mean OBSESSED. The only thing was I didn’t care about them and it showed…it was like the less I cared, the more they wanted me. Yet when ever I chase after a guy, he totally ignores me. I think men truly love the chase and that’s just the way human nature is. I know men that are married to women who still have them chasing after their affections????. The confidence thing is also true because I always see unattractive women who have men at their feet. And I mean physically and personality-wise unattractive. And I always think, how are they pulling this off?

Reply July 21, 2014, 12:44 am


You’re advice is amazing. Seems to me that you are an understanding person. I am completely sure your advice helps a lot of people.

Reply July 4, 2014, 12:55 pm

Some Young Sad Unattractive Girl

I love this article, because although my name includes the word unattractive, I still somehow attract guys occasionally. It’s always when I’m overly cocky, thinking,”Oh I know you want me.” I look back upon most of those times as me being stupid or naive, but I guess thinking that way makes me into more of a flirt because of the confidence and it just sort of happens. It clicks, and the guy usually does something back. Of course, once it was a guy flirting with me while he had a girlfriend that had just moved here, him breaking up with her only to go back out with her, and then he never talked to me again. Nevertheless, it was great for those few days that he showed some sort of attraction back. Your article explains a lot, so I think I’ll try the tips in it out sometime. God knows I need it haha. I’ve never been particularly popular amount guys, and I mostly credited it to my lack of a figure and anti-socislness, but maybe it’s due to my lack of confidence and never being sure of myself. Thanks again haha

Reply May 15, 2014, 11:33 pm

Forever Single

This is great advice if you’re Caucasian. If you are any other race, especially a black female, it does not apply. Guys just aren’t “into” us, and I’ve given up. I’m tired of always attracting men I’m not into, and being treated like a gorilla or a trans-woman by the men I am into. I looked up this article and it is indeed fantastic. But if you have brown skin, it simply will not work. I’m even part-Asian and it doesn’t work. The guys I like are into the Asian part of me but HATE the black part of me. Attraction goes nowhere.

Forever single :(

Reply January 12, 2014, 2:17 am


I think you are mistaken. I don’t know ur personal experiences or where u live but being mixed with black doesn’t stop a man from finding you attractive, regardless of his race (unless ur only attracted to KKK members…..then yeah being black is an issue). I am mixed with Jamaican and Italian and I attract guys of EVERY race. Asian and black mix sounds really pretty. I wish I could see a picture of you so I could tell u the real reason why u don’t attract men u like but I guarantee you having black in you is NOT the reason.

Reply February 18, 2014, 5:51 pm


I agree. I’m also a black woman with Italian and Creole ancestry, and I use to feel the same way. I tend to be attracted to men outside of my race and I hated myself for it because I never felt like they were attracted to me, and then the black men I was attracted to, they were never interested in a relationship–“only playing the game”– no thank you…

Anyway, I’ve recently discovered that I can too have any man that I want and am attracted to. More importantly, I realized that a lot of those men that I thought were interested in me, were indeed interested, they however had the same mindset that I had–that I wouldn’t be interested in them because of their race, etc. It was both of our false perceptions and feelings that our desires were unattainable that hindered us from actually being together.

I’ll give an actual example of this; the other day, I was told by a coworker that a (I say this for the purpose of telling the story) white coworker was interested in me. I was told that this man, after meeting me, had begun to talk about how pretty I was, my dimples, and how perfect my teeth were. It was quite flattering, and although, I know it means nothing as the man is perfectly married, a light bulb went off in my head.

Just because a man doesn’t make advances towards you, or declare his “love” for you, doesn’t mean he finds you attractive from a far. There can be several factors that lead to a man approaching you or several hindering it. In my case, I know it is not a matter of me seeming too guarded or unapproachable–as I am quite friendly–but more of a matter that many times attraction between people of other races comes with uncertainty. And usually, neither party thinks that the other will be interested to them.

Reply March 17, 2014, 12:09 am


doesn’t mean, he does not find you attractive***

Reply March 17, 2014, 12:11 am


I agree! It is a lot harder when you’re Black. I seem to get creepy older African guys who try to flirt with me. I’m not interested in them! Men of other colors don’t approach me…and if they do, it’s only for one thing. I dress modestly…so idk what it is. Smh. It makes me angry and hurt.

Reply March 17, 2014, 11:35 pm


You have summed up every sad thing I have learned about guys throughout my life. It really sucks…

Reply March 18, 2014, 4:59 pm


my parents are both multi racial and have black in them.its the area you live in not your race.if you live in more racist areas in happens.i live in florida and i get hit on all the time but its always by guys im not into.the guys im into never like me back or only want me for sex so i feel your pain.people ask me why im so pretty but single all the time?i date men of all races and i want a guy i can have a bond with. when black guys hit on me its only the ghettos ones who want me as a trophy because i have light skin because thats the only type around in my area.when i do meet a black guy i like they live too far.i attract men of all races but i never find any who think like less closed minded areas this stuff can happen where the prettiest black girls are still single.ive seen it happen to asians latinas arabs and etc some racist areas the fugliest fat ugly white girl with a bad attitude will be choosen over a beautiful ethnic woman it happens where live alot.

Reply April 17, 2014, 11:23 am


I’m black Jamaican American with a complexion darker than the “paper bag” so to speak. I think if you believe guys don’t want you because you’re black it comes out somehow. Kinda like this article is saying, if you believe you’re not worth of the men you like it will come out.

There are racist people out there and I see a lot of black men more than any other race saying negative things about black women. I think the media brainwashes black women to believe they aren’t desirable and black men to believe they shouldn’t date black women, honestly. The positive thing is most black men still end up marrying black women. I think the area you live in can be part of it but your attitude counts too. I’ve had men of all races attracted to me even if they don’t typically date black women. And I’m not a “supermodel” either.

Men mainly look for signs of femininity which our mainstream culture has tried to condition out of black women by pushing the “strong and independent” as well as “angry black woman” and “Jezebel” archetypes. So put all that society says aside about why black women aren’t attractive. Always just focus on showing your feminine energy to a guy and you’ll eventually meet the right one :-)

Reply April 29, 2014, 11:34 am


It is definitely your mentality that is holding you back. I am a black girl (100%) and I am never short of attention from guys of all races, especially white guys. I’ll compare it to when I was in school, there were two chinese guys and one of them thought girls of other races just weren’t into chinese guys and he never really had a girlfriend in the time i knew him. There was another chinese guy who was super confident and all the girls loved him.

I will give you this though, I live in the UK and I think it is different here. When I was in america people were really suprised that my boyfriend was white. The UK, london especially, is so accepting of interracial couples.Dating interracially not even a thing. My exes consist of one mixed race guy (black and white) and three white guys.

However when I was in america guys still really liked me, not to be arrongant but I got loads of attention but I put that down to my British accent and because I was ‘different’.

I think it’s about being sweet, smiley and bubbly. Be nice and dont follow the stereotypical black girl traits (being aggressive, angry, rude etc). My two best friends are gorgeous blonde girls and I get so much more attentiom than them and way more guys asking me out! Honestly. It’s all about confidence. Go up and talk to that guy you really like! Be social and be friendly and flirt! Race has nothing to do with it, it is just a barrier you are creatig in your head.

Reply May 19, 2014, 1:17 pm


Here’s the scenario-met a guy online,chatted for 3-4weeks before he finally decided to meet in person.he was a little boring on I’m,but I decided to meet him person,thinking he may be we meet for coffee-im 5ft2,he told me he was short at 5ft7,erhem,in person he was no more than 2inches taller than me, and that’s pushing it!we walked into a coffee shope-he had no clue on how to address the waitor,so I jumped in and told our waitor we would like to sit outside.even when the waitor checked on us for our order,he had no reply for the waitor,so once again I asked for more time. We finally ordered,and let’s just say the conversation started off well,and then I started getting severely bored.home time came (at last)and I had already 2hours ago decided this guy is NOT for me-he scratched his thigh and arm throughout coffee!he also made me pay for my own coffee and left the waitor an under 10%tip and laughed about it! When we said by, he moved in for a kiss- I immediately turned my face away and gave him a vague hug. To date-2 months later- he still thinks he has a chance- he drops me IMs which I don’t respond to- and he did say if he meets someone and is not into them, he never sends them massages again! Can I just send him a text to say please stop messaging me, I’m not into u?

Reply December 31, 2013, 2:37 am


Hi Eric,
I was looking for some articles about why one loves those who don’t love him or her back and the first one i found was yours. This is a great one! Now, i have a question, I am a very confident girl. I’m black 5.7 weight 136 and i am smart. Almost every man i ever met always wish they had me as a wife. Those men are either already married or not my type. They would do anything to have me. I met a few guys who are my type. All my life i have not met more than may be 5 guys that i wish they could be my husband. Let me tell you in those 5, i dated only one of them for 4 years. I was in college, he was in residency(Med school) and we did not live in the same states. It was hard for us to get together, when he had free time, i didn’t when i had he didn’t. We did love each other, but he finally cheated on me and lied to me, so we broke up. He was the only man i wanted to marry and it’s been 4 years since we broke up he cant find anyone like me and he really wants to marry and i am done with him for ever. We are still friends though, but not more. Since he was the only one, i am not into black man, he was the only one. There is no way i can date a black. If it was not him, it will be another color not my color anymore. This part is weird about me and i know that, i don’t share with any body.
After a long time being single, now i decided to date again, but i don’t have time, so i tried the the online dating. I met lots of men who would like to date me, but they are not my type. I finally decided to try one, not because i loved him, but because i wanted to start dating again. In less than 2 months he wanted to marry me, but we were having communication problem, so after dating for 3 months, i broke up with him. I went back to the dating sites again, i met a lot of guys and even though i am not into sex before wedding they really want to date me. I found one i felt like i could date him, and we live less than a mile away of each other, so we met one day. After that he asked me for dinner and have a formal date. I accepted it. We talked a lot that evening and he told me that he wanted something serious, and that’s what i wanted also, so we talked and talked and we finally kissed, for the first time i kissed someone on a first date,but we did meet already and talked for 2 weeks. After that evening, he sent text twice a day in the morning and evening, because he does not like texting and he does not like talking on the phone and we both are busy. Booomm, he asked for a second date he got sick, so we canceled it. I kept sending him text asking how he was feeling because he was really sick. When he got better, i was out of town, so i sent him texts once or twice a day then i stopped to see if he would text me, because he is not sick any more. He never did, so after 2 days on my way back i sent him a text saying that i am headed back, he just said “good”, no excitement at all. I kept texting him because i wanted to know where i stood, and he texted me for a while then stopped replying. I told him to tell me if you doesn’t want me to text anymore and he said “yes and don’t over analyzed things”, So when i got home since we live close i drove by his house and called him, he came out i had to go somewhere he went with me and he told me that, he does not know how to handle me, i am too difficult, because i am into too serious relationship. Now, i am confused, because i never talked about serious relationship with him plus i don’t even know if i love him yet. he was the one since the date, who said he wanted me to meet his mom. After dropping him home, he sent me a text saying that “I’m sorry”. and i said “sorry for being difficult” he said “being difficult is who you are, keep being you”. That was the last test it’s been 5 days. Can you guess what is going on? He did tell to have a date tomorrow if it is not snowing, but it snowed last nigh, i don’t know for tomorrow yet. I have no problem if he is not interested anymore, but i want to be sure. In the mean time, i keep meeting other men on the site, i still don’t find one, i feel a little bit for, like i felt for him.

Eric, my biggest question is that, why all the men i always feel like i could date don’t fall too much for me, i mean they still love me, but they are not afraid of losing me, but those i don’t like would do anything to have me and treat me as a queen?
What am i doing wrong? Some of them say, i am too perfect, i don’t know what does that mean. I know i have my head on both my shoulders, but does that mean i am perfect? I am 28, well educated and very humble.
Sorry for my long essay. Hope to hear from you. Thanks

Reply December 5, 2013, 8:58 pm


Well, I will admit that I didn’t read all of what you wrote…an essay? Hmm best to put your question at the top or join the forum. But, I will say that your biggest issue probably lies in the fact that you intentionally close yourself off to love if it comes from your own kind. I am a black woman as well, and tend to be attracted to men outside of my race, but this has nothing to do with skin color and more to do with the type of men I run into. Most black men I meet, are in college and only want to play the field, and although this may be a trend for most men, regardless of race, I open myself up to a lot more when I diversify my dating field. However, you seem to be openly rejecting any man if he’s a black man and that can be A VERY strong of self contempt and hate. You say you’re confident, but I don’t think you are in the slightest–if you rule any black man out simply because he’s black–that’s insecurity in your skin.

You then contradict yourself by saying ALL the men you encounter want you as their wife, and have this high desire for you, but then you ask why they don’t fall for you? Personally, you sound like you have a huge inflated ego, and my sincerest and most humble advice would be to start looking at the patterns. It sometimes hurts, but sometimes if we see a negative trend perpetuating itself, its time to stop seeing others as an issue and start looking internally for the signs and vibes we are dishing out.

It seems to me you think you’re an awesome catch (which in normal circumstances are great) but its an issue when you think you’re “fabulous, and everyone’s cup of tea, and the ultimate prize” but no man is ever willing to make that declaration themselves…

Reply March 17, 2014, 12:18 am


Hi Eric Charles,
Amazing your site, as you if you’re live in front of us readers! I just want to ask what to do, how to reply when a guy is so into you at the beginning and he lists in details all the performance of his life? I mean, the person is really nice and interesting but how to formulate my answers back to him to give him the type of answers he wants to hear? i am afraid that if I write too short, he will be disappointed and if I write too long, he will think twice and take his distance?

Reply November 7, 2013, 2:01 pm


Okay so, I have had a crush on my best friends brother for about hmm 5 month now? and him and I have had a ‘thing’ for a while now and not long ago(a month or less) I had my first kiss with him.When ever i’m with him or around himand no one else is he acts like were pretty much dating, well he shows/acts like he does care and does show that kind of interest in me.We’ve talked a lot and once he brought up the topic of boundaries’ meaning things I was fine doing with him and things I didn’t want to do yet beause he said he didn’t want to make me feel uncomftable or anything. He’s asked me to hang out with him and his friends once but I couldn’t come :-P and when we are talking he always flirts with me and says/acts and he just so much fun and the first guy I’ve been comftable around and that I really like a lot.
I have talked to him about the subject of there being a chance of us being together and he said he would like to but not at the moment because he want to focus on him exams and he doesn’t want to ‘hurt’ me because he doesn’t have the time to be dating anyone or to treat a girl the way she should and so on. So I have accepted that and I compleatly understand, but at school around his friends or poeple in general he pretends like there has been nothing between us. Also I remember him mentioning he didn’t really want anyone to know about anything between us yet for some reason. There was a time when we were coming early to school to just hang out with eachother before everyone else came, one time we were cuddling/huggling sort of a thing and two people walked passed and he pulled away because he thought it was once of his friends or something, there was also a time when we were walking to the school canteen with his friend and his friend was a head of us and he pulled me back behind the wall and kissed me so that his friend wouldn’t see… This kind of makes me feel like he’s imbarrest of me or that he doesn’t want anyone to know because there is nothing to know?? ://
At school he doesn’t pay that much attention to me but he says that is because he is just used to his normal scedual of being with his friends and not me since we are in two different year groups sit in two compleatly different places. And about a couple of moths ago one of his best friend/ ex girlfriends ( I did some reasurch..) anyway, she left the country and most things happend a while after that… so I feel like a pass of time to him or something.. I feel like he is just using me atm while his friend is away, even though he says he isn’t using me he sometimes gives me that indication ://
Help, please?

Reply November 2, 2013, 5:40 am


hie .
i have a guy who i hv dated for 2 1/2 years now, we love each other but i feel i want to settle down with him. I am in trouble with men coz when i am walking i catch everyone’s attention i am tired of such temptations. I can get any guy i want but i love him and want to be with him.

But my boyfreind told me i wont promise to marry you but i truly love you and dont be focussed on me only for marriage, but he goes mad and even cry if i try to date someone.Just wanted to know should i stick around or move on.

Worried .


Reply October 30, 2013, 6:47 am


II met this guy on line over a year ago; we went to dinner movies and many other outdoor activities. We get along very well. He is very loving and caring a true gentleman. About 8 months into our ” relationship” he was talking about a power plate vibrator that he purchased recently and he want me to try it out. He made it sound like it was a sex vibrator, even though we have had sex before I got upset and asked him what did he want from our ” relationship” His answers was that if I was planning on getting married right away it was best that he would leave at that very moment. He said that he had dated women in the past and they got too serious very quick and he got scared. I told him I did not want to get married right away in fact I was not sure if I wanted to get married ever. I Lied, I DO WANT TO SOME DAY. After that he has been acting distant. We have been meeting but I have been the one initiating and planning to see each other. Sometimes he asks about if I am a good cook and if my Kids are leaving the house in the near future. (my kids are 21 and 18) That makes me think that he is thinking about more than just a casual thing at some point in the future. I really like the way he holds me and kisses me, it seems very genuine. I am 44 and he is 52. He has been on his own for over 14 Years and raising his 2 kids, his wife left him for another man. I have been divorced for 3 years, after a marriage of 20 years. We are both business people and don’t have much available time, plus we live in different cities. We have not seen each other in two months, Not even talking much, unless I call or text first, which I stopped doing. He called me last week but he said he pocket dialed, I try to hung up right away since he called by accident but he stopped me and started asking how was I doing and stuff like that, we talked for a bit but he did not asked to see me. He has his 23 Year old son living with him temporary. We use to meet at his place mostly because I don’t feel comfortable introducing him to my Kids yet. I think he feels the same way about me meeting his kids. He is also very worried about his business at the moment. What should I do? I love him but I can’t let him know about that. PS. I am not an open person at all; he talks about himself and his life a lot more than I do about mine to him.
Please excuse my English this is my second language.

Thanks so much!

Reply October 18, 2013, 5:35 pm


Hey :)
So I really like this guy and I also have a feeling he likes me. Like he’s been asking me if I liked someone or not and once he even asked me if I liked him. But the thing is, his roommate really likes me and asked me out to homecoming about a week ago and I couldn’t refuse. And so now he’s asking my roommate out. I’m not sure if he’s trying to make me jealous or something. He seems like the type of guy who likes security and my roommate really likes him, so he asked my roommate because he’s sure that he won’t be denied. Does he actually like my roommate or is it just a way to get closer to me? He seems shy around me at time and then his normal self at other times so I don’t know what to think. Maybe he does like my roommate a lot. I don’t know. So basically what I’m asking is does he like me and what should I do in this situation? Thanks :)

Reply October 5, 2013, 11:42 pm


Eric, so say your crush was interested in you at one time, but you did the opposite of everything in your article and you were awkward and weird because you were afraid you’d do something to mess things up and now he has withdrawn. Is it too late to turn things around?

Reply June 30, 2013, 4:11 pm


i think that even if you are the most fabulous woman and the guy doesnt see you that way, there is no way you can make him like you.Us women we should not be bothered if the guy you like does not notice you or like you at all. There is always that someone who is crazy for the kind of person you are not because you make yourself “like me “mode . Thats why we are created differently because there is always a puzzle piece thats gonna fit for each of us .And that man is the one whos gonna look for you

Reply April 21, 2013, 6:37 am


Why would a man after working so hard to create a beautiful romantic dinner and evening become a bear with a sore head the following morning?

Reply February 4, 2013, 8:43 pm


this is BS
maybe there are some people agreeing with what you wrote but for me is BS
when 2 people are meant to be toghether they will be no mater what they do / think / believe
im a girl, a very good looking one and I’ve beein single all my life, now Im 33 … I played pretty much all strategies here descriebed with no results
finally, ill go to a sperm bank in a few months to have a child with an anonymous donor … men are impossible to live with and i gave up, i guess no one is meant for me in this life

Reply October 11, 2012, 10:13 am


Maybe the BS is that you’re this “very good looking girl” who’s claiming she did everything right and yet has been single all her life. Ummmmmmmmmm…

Reply October 11, 2012, 9:58 pm


Yes Karen….me thinks the mirrors lies to her lol :P

Reply December 4, 2012, 8:51 pm


@bibi: I couldn’t agree with you more!! The only difference between you and myself is that you’re an attractive woman — me, not so. I’ve forever contemplated the anonymous sperm donor thing but for some reason, my conscience has been holding me back. Wish me a little luck!

Reply November 11, 2012, 12:11 am


Hey Eric Charles,
What you wrote , made sense to me.
I`m considered Quirky, Weird, Spiritual and Beautiful, both inner
and out (am 43 yrs old who `looks to many 30 ish`
By many a male, (and female) me too,
However……tho I get a lot attraction and compliments, from
both sexes (AM 100% Heterosexual)
Whenever I actually feel attracted to a male, which is rare cos am so fussy,
I find that they are not attracted to me.
Yup , everyone has their taste in attractions, beauty is in the eye of the beholder blah blah..
Can you tell me why? x :p

Reply August 8, 2012, 5:56 pm


Pixie, ain’t Karma a bitch.

Reply February 3, 2015, 1:40 pm


I think a lot of the reason people end up with people who they consider below their standards or chase people who are above is because they are afraid of reality. Guys grow up when a woman pushes them to be realistic. It’s a shame women don’t have anyone to push them to become realistic. You girls have it tough. Someone told you the prince is coming and all the guys acting like princes are usually users and con artists.

Reply April 12, 2012, 8:01 pm


What do you mean by saying `realistic` Rick?
Your reality or theirs?

Am a firm believer in dreams…logically speaking, one must
create `reality` with a `goal` to achieve their dreams…
Spiritually speaking….one must dream for a `reality` to come to fruition.

Sensibly speaking, me thinks your to up your own bum to understand that every
single human, has a dream and a reality to fulfill.

Peace ~Pixie~

Reply August 8, 2012, 6:12 pm


Wow, great comment Devon! so true. And that’s where the “women’s dilemma” comes up- deciding whether to “convince him”to like you….or just let it go because he simply isn’t interested at all i.e., you’re not his type.
And often times, as women, we’ll go straight into “i’ll make him like me” mode, invest so much into trying to make him warm up to you. If he’s a douchebag supreme then he might even pretend to play along so he can get laid or something…then eventually- he’s going to disappear. Leaving the woman even more confused, sad, angry etc with herself for even bothering.

Sometimes…sometimes…you can get someone to warm up to you. But as with other things in life- you win some you lose some.

Reply February 15, 2012, 8:20 am

April Marie

Hey I have a problem similar to this, i am dating this guy, but before we started dating, i was kind ok seeing this other guy, and i thought i loved him. But now that i’m looking back, i don’t this any of them “loved” me. I thought i loved them both, and one of them, the one i was seeing first lied to me, and the second cheated on me. I still feel something for both men, and i dont know what to do. Its complicated, and all i’m looking for is simple, why is that so hard to ask for? I mean both guys tell me they love me then lie and cheat on me, what should i do?

Reply February 2, 2012, 6:36 pm


I don’t think Eric or Sabrina are advocating manipulation tactics on this site to force anyone into liking you. What they’re saying is that if you focus on loving yourself and your life that others will naturally be drawn to you because you’re happy and fulfilled independently of anyone else. Of course everyone has their own taste but if you feel good about who you are and what you have to offer others will see that. I put everything they have said to practice and for the last few months I’ve been in a wonderful relationship. I’m telling you it’s very effective and I respect them and this site more than any other dating books and sites I’ve read. I’ll use myself as a good example as to how not being needy is effective. My bf is very attentive bc we took the time to get to know each other and I have my own life and career however I do have my moments where I feel needy. We all do but when I have those moments I find another activity or escape is wonderful. Last night for instance I was out of town and my bf was out with a friend. I felt lonely bc I was on the road however he was out with a friend and I wanted him to have his time away without me bothering him. Instead of texting or calling I made plans with coworkers for a nice dinner. I left him alone and did something fun to satisfy my time away. I had a blast going out with my colleagues. This morning I woke up to a message from my bf saying how much he loved, missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. Now imagine if I had given into my needy moment and bothered him. I don’t normally feel that way but we have those crazy times unfortunately. The point is that you can fill your life with many wonderful people and activities. When you feel needy the best thing you can do is not act on it and find something else to fill your time.

Reply January 12, 2012, 11:23 pm


First, I would like to say that I truly appreciate what you and Sabrina are doing here. I posted a question in the forum yesterday. After reading the above article, I realize that I already know the answer. My question followed the lines of “how do I know if he’s interested.” The truth is that I feel that he is indeed interested in me, however because of insecurities and what not I over analyze everything and then look for reasons that might show that he is not interested…. I guess as a self defense mechanism, too scared of looking like a fool in the end so I go the other way and play things too cool ( probly confusing the hell out of guys) In the past I have even purposely told guys that I just wanted to be friends even though I definitely wanted more, to avoid getting hurt. Funny thing is I still end up hurt anyways… so any sane person would think well then if I still end up hurt by playing it safe then why not take a chance- I know I can handle and survive heart breaks…. yet I always find myself self-sabotaging relationships. Any ways, the advice you offered in this article really struck a nerve with me, so I just wanted you and Sabrina to know that what you are doing is awesome.

Reply January 11, 2012, 12:16 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Lindsey, I’m glad to hear that what we do has been helpful for you and I really appreciate everything you wrote here.

Reply January 11, 2012, 12:44 pm


what do I do when my bf says I love you? because he told me he loved me and I don’t know what to say

Reply January 5, 2012, 11:22 pm

Eric Charles

Well, if you love him, you say, “I love you too.”
And if you don’t… I guess say anything else. :)

Reply January 5, 2012, 11:24 pm


Well… I had a best friend for 3 years. He knew everything about me, we bonded and he introduced me to his family. I often went to church with them, and Christmas/holidays. He was a big part of my life. We had issues. He and I would see other people and still hang out as friends but kind of always knew that we like eachother. He would always be calling me. I was sexually assaulted when we were friends and he was there for me. We grew very close. I think we were both scared to be vulnerable to someone or intimate. I was in counseling and working through my issues. He treated me so well until we decided to stop seeing other people and he became a little vulnerable. He has committment issues. He would say I like you sometimes and sometimes I dont. Then he said your someone I can see myself marrying, then he would say I never said that. It was hard for me to deal with. Our relationship became unhealthy because of me being irrational and jumping to conclusions/not trusting and him not committing. I took a break for a while then came back into his life because I missed him then we became more intimate. I dont want to have sex until im married and he never really tried to have sex with me because he didnt want to hurt me. well at this point we are pretty intimate. He would hold me all night and kiss me and it was beautiful. I could not stop the voices in my head worrying whether he was going to commit to me or not. He wasnt able to tell me what I wanted to hear. He decided to go to counseling for his commitment issues ( This was a year ago). He said he knows we will talk again but we need serious space. He has told me he wants to fix things with me and that I’ve always been more than just a chick to him. He says when he’s with me he doesnt want to be anywhere else and we need to get stronger. He sent me an email stating he loved me very much and that he needs to work on himself so he wont hurt me anymore.Of course he’s so senstive about that stuff that if I ask him remember when you said you wanted to fix things with me … he will get upset and not want to talk about it because he thinks I need too much reassurance. I admit I have been needy in the past but it didn’t bother him before. He says we need space.Right now we dont talk. We’ve texted 2 times in the last 5 months. I miss him and it’s so hard for me because I dont know what to do. Please give me insight

Reply December 27, 2011, 11:56 pm


i’m a guy, and agree with “I lose interest once guys become interested in me”
this happend to me once
we talked random stuffs, we liked same musics, she picked me as her lab partner and other things we did together
i wasnt into her at first, but when i did, she started keeping her distance, i dont know why
maybe i mistook her for just being a friendly person

Reply December 14, 2011, 11:40 pm


i agree with the “I lose interest once guys become interested in me.” part
This happend to me once…
we talked about random things, had fun, liked the same musics, picked me as her lab partner and stuff…
i wanst into her that time…but when i did…
she started keeping her distance…
maybe i mistook her for just being a friendly person…

Reply December 14, 2011, 11:31 pm

Out of Curiosity

I understand having confidence and how that is sexy. But when you walk into a place acting like you own everything and everyone wants you that’s a fine line to walk and honestly ins’t appealing in the slightest, to me. You can be confident and say I’m a sexy beast. If you don’t like me meh fine someone else will that’s fine that is confident. But to me if your saying oh I know you want this is such a major turn off, it’s ridiculous.

You are correct that you will carry this air around you and it will be picked up by others. But when I get a whiff of that air from a man it’s such a turn off. It may work on some women and drive them bat shi* crazy. But I find it pretentious. I will ignore his advances and tell him I’m not interested and that’s when the guy goes into shock and awe mode then proceeds in the I need to impress you mode, which is another no no for me. Then he’s stuck on stupid fixating on me because he can tell he is fake and if he’s not being fake…oh man that’s so much worse. Maybe men find that attractive I dunno. I just find such airs about a person is a repellant.

So I guess what I’m saying is be careful when practicing I know everyone wants me vibe.

Reply December 1, 2011, 11:57 pm

Eric Charles

You do make a point that there is a wrong way to do this…
When someone is doing it right, they feel more relaxed… they finally let go. It is a pathway to them accepting themselves and putting their focus and attention on the audience that responds well to them.
When someone is doing it wrong, they feel more tense and like they are on trial. They feel like they need to shove their “awesomeness” down everyone else’s throat and it is a pathway toward being an object of ridicule since these people are trying to force the audience that does not like them into liking them.
And yes, it is repulsive by nature. Nature doesn’t like forcing things – nature likes ease.

Reply December 2, 2011, 12:51 am

Almost Famous

@ Eric, wouldn’t being *this* confident in yourself = guys thinking you’re full of yourself? I think I intimidate guys sometimes.

Also, how do you deal with this pseudo attraction when you’re in an environment when you have to constantly see each other? IE: in school when you’ve gone out and hes withdrawn and yet you still have to see his stupid face every week…How do you be cool without making things awkward?

Reply December 1, 2011, 4:40 am

Eric Charles

Well I’ll give you an answer that I think you’ll be able to understand.
If you don’t want people to think you’re full of yourself… then don’t be full of yourself. Don’t worry about what you think people think you are (a losing battle).
If you’re going to worry about anything – worry about what you ACTUALLY are… And if you’re not full of yourself, no reason to worry.
On the other hand, there is such thing as false confidence where a person really believes that they are incredibly flawed / unworthy and they overcompensate by telling everyone that they’re SOOOOO great and SOOOO amazing and everything is SOOOO great for them. Meanwhile, everyone around them is rolling their eyes and feeling embarrassed for that person.
That’s not what I am talking about when I say assume the guy wants you – I’m talking about an internal assumption that you keep within yourself. When you have that, it comes across as confidence and not a warped attempt at confidence (like conceit or arrogance).
Also… in terms of having to see someone that you went out with but things didn’t pan out…
Well, that’s fortunately not a problem later in life (unless you date a co-worker or go to a really small college), but since you’re in that place now…
The best thing you can do is just BE cool about it – it all starts within you. Be cool, don’t be awkward… you can only be responsible for your own feelings and actions. So if he can’t deal with it, then you know that you tried your best to be cool with him and that the awkwardness is on him (assuming you genuinely try with compassion and openness towards him).
Hope it helps.

Reply December 1, 2011, 12:23 pm



You have such amazing advice and I have agreed with most everything you have said in all your posts. I wish I could shrink you down and carry you around in my pocket to keep me from making the same mistakes over and over again.

Reply November 26, 2011, 3:09 pm

Eric Charles

Haha – thanks Jerilyn, that rocks. Glad you like my stuff.
As for shrinking me down in your pocket. I’m working on that (sort of).
Stay tuned for the A New Mode Dating Book, coming out very soon… currently editing it. Download that sucker to your smart phone and I’ll be in your pocket whenever you need me. :)

Reply November 26, 2011, 4:12 pm


Super quick question that isn’t exactly related to this topic but it relates to dating so here it goes:

I recently starting dating a guy I met online that does not live in the same city. Everything moved pretty quickly and then he withdrew (which I admit I was probably being a little needy- I know, my bad!) but I have tried giving him his space and have been working on me. I realized by reading your post that the reason I was being needy is because there is something that I’m struggling with. So now here is my question.. If I pull back and give him space, will he think that I am no longer interested?

Reply December 1, 2011, 1:35 pm



I am 27 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He is 3 years younger than me. 3 years into the relationship he used to ask me if I would marry if he asked, I always laughed it off.
Then in the fourth year i started to mention it here and there and make plans for holidays together (never been on holiday with him) etc. he then started to back off. he broke up with me once because he said he did not want to commit to me and wanted to go out and enjoy his youth. he then came crawling back. I love him so took him back.
Now he has started again. every time we are having a nice time on a picnic or day out and it’s all just perfect he says to me ‘how much longer can you do this for?’ when I ask him what he means he just says ‘I mean what I say. I cannot commit to anyone right now or any time in the future. I don’t know where my life is going and you need to realise that no relationship lasts forever.’ So i ask him if he’s trying to dump me because he doesn’t love me, he says ‘no’.He wants to stay with me but just needs to make sure I know he cannot commit or promise me anything. What the heck is that supposed to mean?

To em it just screams: ‘you will do for now but I could never see myself with you in the long run. As soon as I find something better I want to en sure I can dispose of you quickly’ – please help!

Reply November 25, 2011, 6:59 pm


Your spot on, I think. Either he doesn’t want to deal with the emotions or he is just waiting for the “next best thing” I could be wrong considering I am not as..Qualified as Eric obviously is. I am simply putting down a thought. Perhaps you should cut it off, if he has that mindset and you end up getting married the now 50% chance of all marriages ending in divorce does shoot up a little..Like I said, just a thought.

Reply December 6, 2011, 5:36 pm


Hi.i broke up with my ex about 3 months ago because it was obvious he didnt want anything serious and i didnt mean to him as much as he meant for me.he called twice to check on me after that casually.i missed him and called him once to say that.we met for drinks but didnt talk much.i assumed he wasnt interested or else wouldnt he have something to say after 2 months of no contact?i decided to move on and not think about it much.after all i gave it a shot when i called and set up a meeting.The trouble i m having is that he s always calling now,every 2 or 3 days, and its never clear wether he wants to meet me or not!we talk for 2 minutes ,he asks whats up,asks where i am,asks if i was nearby to see me and when it s evident that there’s not much to talk about,we hang up.i never say i m available to meet him because he s always calling around 9 pm.if he was serious about meeting me wouldnt he schedule it before?
Should i ask him why he s calling?or stop answering his phone calls?

Reply November 25, 2011, 5:39 am


Devon made a good point…very much agreed!

On that note, if this girl is dying to know if she has any chance with this guy, she should just ask him casually if he’d like to hang out sometime. That way she’ll get an answer directly from him and not trying to get answers by playing “telephone”/asking friends.

Reply November 24, 2011, 4:56 am

Eric Charles


Reply November 23, 2011, 3:36 pm

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