Starting a long distance thing

Home Forums Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Advice Starting a long distance thing

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  • #940733 Reply

    I started speaking to a guy that I matched from an app on the 16th. He works in the Navy. I live close to his hometown like 4 hours drive. It’s still long distance. I really enjoy talking to him and out vibes match. He is coming to meet me on the 11th. He especially applied for leave to come and meet me. I am studying right now and will study for this whole year. He says he will keep coming to meet me in my hometown or will make all the arrangements for my travel right from tickets to stay as he likes me a lot and wants to see this going forward for the long haul if all goes well. I also like him. He calls me everyday and we talk. It feels like the perfect thing for me right now as i can’t date around too much since I am busy studying. The only thing I am worried about is if it’s love bombing. As he feels a lot into me. He says he’s an old school guy and likes to treat his lady well. He has already deleted the app and told me doesn’t wanna use it as he has found someone he likes. Do you think he is love bombing? He is also bringing a gift with him when he comes to meet me on the 11th.

    #940735 Reply

    So you have never met him? am i right?
    If so , yes this is love bombing, men don’t bond over text, if he is telling you he likes you over text and you never met him then please run. how can you plan a future if he has never even met you in real life? You might not even like him! Be realistic about it and another thing don’t trust Navy guys, where I live every girl knows not to date them.

    #940739 Reply

    I know men don’t bond over text. We call. We don’t text. He is coming to meet me on the 11th and is not pressuring me for anything. He is coming according to when I am available and how much. He says he is not in a hurry for anything and can wait. But he feels our vibes matching and misses me throughout the day. He doesn’t have any other way to date actually as he is posted on the sea. All he can do is call and take leaves to come and visit me and he is doing that. What more can I expect. Sometimes it’s possible to like someone you talk to regularly.

    #940740 Reply

    I mean we also text but we call more.

    #940741 Reply

    you just contradicted yourself, because you got the advice you didn’t actually want.
    calling /texting it doesn’t matter, you don’t know him. See how it goes when you meet him, but chances are he is looking for sex, sorry to be blunt.

    #940742 Reply

    I was very clear about it from the beginning that I am not into sleeping with him. And he also said he is ready to wait for as long as it takes for me to get comfortable. But i will keep your point in mind, I won’t have s*x.

    #940743 Reply

    you call the shots remember, I told guys before I am not going to sleep with them, but yet they still had hopes.
    Do you even take into consideration that you might not like this guy in real life ?

    #940744 Reply

    Yes it might happen that I don’t like him in real life. But so what? Then I’ll stop talking to him.

    #940745 Reply

    If he is looking for s*x he is going to be so disappointed. Because he ain’t gotta get any

    #940746 Reply

    Holding ur hands looking into ur eyes. With time playing with your hair locks, and seeing you smile. Just thinking this is so amazing.

    If someone you’ve never met said this to you, how would you feel?

    I am suddenly feeling very off.

    I feel since I am recovering from a past breakup i really feel the need for love and that’s why I like listening to all this but actually this is alarming.

    Am i coming to my senses or sabotaging a possible connection?

    #940747 Reply

    this is off putting , because this guy has never met you , he is creating a fantasy for you. I have a feeling he won’t be like that in real life but who knows.
    The question here is , 4h drive is a long distance , with him living on the ship and possibly not being based in one location , do you see yourself having future with him?
    For long distance to work, you have to have a connection/bond first, you won’t get that after one meeting and constant texting.
    so it is up to you

    #940748 Reply

    He doesn’t live on a ship. He stays in some quarters. And keeps traveling here and there on ships and boats. They get family quarters. So if you end up marrying a navy guy you can live with him together there. That’s the only possibility for them. They can’t have normal relationships.

    #940749 Reply

    they can have normal relationships, I work with ex navy guys and some are married to the girls they met when young , but for some it meant leaving the navy. For some of them it didn’t work out, some were cheated on. It is not an easy lifestyle for both sides. When they are deployed for lets say 9 months they might not even have signal until they get to their destination.
    One guy I work with , worked on submarines and he was allowed to only get one message per week and that included his parents etc so his gf at the time had to communicate with his family who is writing what and the messages were obviously filtered.

    #940750 Reply

    You’re right – your “need for love” is clouding your judgment. You are also dealing with a situation that is next to impossible for it to work out, so that is also kind of safe for you so you don’t get hurt again.

    Ewa is absolutely right, he’s creating a Hollywood romantic fantasy and you’re buying it hook, line and sinker. He misses you? He doesn’t KNOW you. “Holding ur hands looking into ur eyes. With time playing with your hair locks, and seeing you smile. Just thinking this is so amazing.” And this is just plain inappropriate over the top meaningless sweet talk.

    Let’s say for a minute you meet and like each other. Then what?? This man is never going to be around. Do you know how hard it is to be a military wife???? Military divorce rates are higher than civilians:

    “There are many reasons American military members are more prone to divorce than married couples without at least one member serving in the U.S. Armed Forces. For starters, the nature of a military career is often stressful for families. Having to move regularly creates problems for many married military couples, and many also struggle as a result of earning low wages in their military positions, which adds more stress. Many military couples also spend considerable time apart, making it more difficult for them to overcome their marital issues.”

    I think this is you avoiding another real relationship because you’re not over the last one. You shouldn’t even be talking to someone this unavailable if you’re genuinely looking for love. And this is a classic mistake meeting someone online – you start talking too much before meeting and think you’ve developed a real connection and attraction. But real life is another ballgame entirely. It’s very possible you will meet and the chemistry you thought you had on the phone will not be there.

    If I were you, I’d call this off and take the time to heal before you try to date again. If you do choose to meet him, keep it to 2 hours in a public place and keep your expections low or at zero.

    #940752 Reply

    I feel it’s pertinent to emphasize AngieBaby’s statement, “I think this is you avoiding another real relationship because you’re not over the last one.”. She’s spot on

    This guy you are talking to is the security blanket and you are Linus. It’s easier to avoid facing the pain of a broken heart and working through it, especially if you have a stranger whispering sweet nothings in your ear. It feels a lot better than confronting heartbreak.

    I suggest giving yourself some grace, and a bit of time on your own to understand your motivation behind why you are responding in this way to this guy. I don’t think either you nor he is living in reality at the moment. Who knows, maybe both of your motivations are authentic and this will work out great! But loneliness can’t be the reason you draw yourself to another.

    And I used to be a navy wife; I know what it’s like. Aside from the separation and issues the military member is dealing with, much of the reason for divorce is because the situation sets up folks to get a lot more serious in a shorter time frame … and that’s difficult to make work if you don’t choose wisely FIRST. Love bombing is a thing, but part of it in this case is just the nature of the situation.

    I hope you decide what’s best for you. None of us want to rain on your parade but we don’t know if this is what’s best for you.

    #940757 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Please listen to these ladies. In reference to the title of your thread, it’s pretty much impossible to start a successful relationship long distance. One in a very rare while it happens and things work out, but the vast majority of the time, things fall flat.

    I was in a similar situation in college — I met a guy online (not on a dating site, on a message board), we exchanged info and started talking on the phone constantly, and “fell” for each other. He came to visit me at my college and it was soooo awkward. We had zero in-person chemistry. In fact I found him irritating in person. And he wound up hitting on a friend of mine!

    People who do LDR successfully have an established, in-person relationship BEFORE the distance happens.

    The reason for this is what everyone is telling you — getting to know someone from a distance always involves huge amounts of fantasy. Even dating in person involves a lot of fantasy at the beginning — that’s why the term “honeymoon period” exists. You don’t really start to know someone until you’ve dated them in person for at least 6 months if not more. Talking on the phone is NOT getting to know someone in a real life context– not in a way you can base a relationship on.

    This guy is over the top. He’s not realistic. It’s unfortunate that military guys struggle to find love because of their circumstances, but that’s probably why this guy is spinning this fantasy– he has no other options for dating. And you say you’re recovering from a breakup– that’s all the more reason to step back. In the future it’s best to date local guys that you can meet in person relatively soon to see if you have chemistry.

    #940764 Reply

    I told him we should not get ahead of ourselves before we have even met and he said it’s ok. I don’t know after reading your replies i don’t even feel like meeting him.

    But if I believe his claims he has promised that no matter where he is posted he will keep coming to visit me. And has also told me that he has joined the Navy for 10 years out of which 6 years he has already served. He intends to leave the Navy after 4 more years as he wants to lead a normal life too.

    I don’t know why he seems genuine but I’ll take your advice and take my time to get to know him and won’t fall for him before I meet him a few times atleast.

    #940768 Reply

    I’ve just read your story and I agree with all the ladies stellar advice …
    I’ve been in a very similar situation myself and it’s so easy to allow yourself to become swept away….You are so deserving of love ..but the best love – and having nursed a broken heart recently…the best love has to start with “self love” .
    J x

    #940769 Reply

    Ugh, so much negativity from the women on here. Just meet him and see how it goes.

    #940770 Reply

    The broken heart isn’t recent. It’s been two years for a 3 year long relationship. I have been alone for way too long. I crave company and love. I do love myself but I need someone to be there for me emotionally

    #940771 Reply

    @Kate – how long have you been here? We see posts from broken hearted women about these LDR situations over and over. We also see what happens when a guy is too intense too quickly. If you spend any time reading this site you quickly find these situations rarely work out. That’s not “negative”, that’s the truth. We’re trying to help a woman (or occasional man) see objectively and avoid being hurt. There are warning signs all over the place in this instance. This guy is in the military, lives far away from the OP, they met online, they’re talking frequently before meeting and he’s getting overly romantic to the point of creating a fantasy. Highway to the danger zone, LOL, to quote the song from Top Gun.

    @Tam – “I need someone to be there for me emotionally” is also highway to the danger zone. When you think you “need” someone you are prone to make poor decisions and lower your standards. The healthiest place to be is “I love me, I love my life and the right man is the cherry on the sundae.” If it’s been two years and you’re not over a three year relationship, you might want to consider seeing a counselor for a while to clear the issues so you don’t get into an unhealthy dating situation.

    Meet him, see how it goes, but I repeat: keep your expectations low, keep your eyes and years open to learning who he really is and keep your heart protected until you have known him for a while. Good luck.

    #940772 Reply

    AngieBaby 💯

    #940773 Reply

    I have already taken therapy. In the end She suggested I should start seeing someone. As it’s been long and I will keep myself entangled in his memories if I don’t make new ones. Hence I started dating again. I am seeing local guys too. Hopefully it’ll click with someone

    #940774 Reply

    you said you need someone to be there for you emotionally, a guy in the Navy is not a man for you then, they might be gone days or even sometimes weeks with no communication. In fact to be in a relationship with military personnel you have to be extremely healthy and strong emotionally because it is hard work.
    But like others said, meet him and see how it goes.

    #940808 Reply
    Jade S

    Just stay alert and not trust anything he said until it is proven to be true.
    The worst case is he could be scammer, as this is usually common story about romance scammer began.
    For your sake, I hope this turn out like your expectation and he is what he said he is.
    Wish you good luck.

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