Am I Overthinking This?

Good point, Lane. Thanks for your advice! I’m just eager because the last guy I was seeing refused to see me more than once a week, and if we did meet up, I had to drive an hour to see him; it was never more than a couple of hours of hanging out. So it’s nice having a guy make the plans, pay for everything, WANT to see me, and really pursue. And we have been seeing each other a little extra because this week he will be in another state for work. Maybe the time apart will be a good thing!

Thanks again!

Thanks Liz! I appreciate your response. The reason the Bumble thing is big to me is because the last guy I was talking to told me he wasn’t pursing anyone else. But he was active on Bumble, always checking messages on his phone, etc.

But yes, I totally agree that I need to focus on big picture stuff. So far, he’s far better than any guy I’ve ever met. However, I do have a tendency to be suspicious which in return, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I agree with you though, I don’t want to screw this up by being overly suspicious when I don’t really have proof of anything.

And yes, slowing down would not be a bad idea at all because I don’t want this to burn out.

I really appreciate your response, Liz!

It is sooo difficult to not be emotionally invested when he’s doing everything I want him to do, without me telling him I want him to do it. Ya know? That being said, I still agree with you. Currently I am starting to freak out, just a little, because he said he was flying out at 10am (in 15 min) and still has not texted me anything this morning. So now I’m wondering if I did something wrong, or if he’s pulling away…any advice on that? Should I just wait for him to reach out?

I agree. Nothing bad will ever come out of taking something slow. It’ll even be easier in the long run if the two people don’t work out. Great advice, thanks again!

You have great advice/insight, Liz!

Yes, I am overthinking it and that’s because the last time he traveled for work (the morning after we met), he texted me 15 minutes before his flight took off. So I was just expecting that again. It’s weird for me to say “in the beginning” he texted more, because the beginning was literally last Tuesday! ;) So now I’m understanding the reason behind taking things slow. Because it appears to already be slowing down and it’s been less than 7 days. However, I totally agree that men are usually just able to focus on one thing at a time when women can focus on lots of things. And I did make the comment to him that I like how we don’t need to constantly text to feel reassured…so, I kind of, maybe, set myself up for this.

Last night I stayed with him and when I left today, I said “have fun on your work trip! You gonna text me? (jokingly)” He said, “yeah!” And he even made plans for when he gets back on Friday for us to hang out so hopefully this is just me overthinking. But yes, I know I shouldn’t get too invested because it will definitely drive me crazy.

I guess I’ll just wait and hope that I hear from him eventually.

Thanks again!

Thanks for the reassurance! It’s much appreciated.

My mind has just always gone nuts if I go too long without hearing from someone. The story that I’m currently telling myself is that because he hasn’t reached out yet this morning, he doesn’t want to see me anymore on Friday when he’s back…and that I’ll never hear from him again.

But there’s also another piece to the puzzle that I am just now reflecting on. The other night I had been making flirty comments which led him to believe that I was ready to be more physical. However, when he tried, I said no. He told me that he felt rejected and confused, due to the comments I had been making (totally my fault, I know). Last night when I stayed over, he didn’t try to do anything. All we’ve really done is made out, but he didn’t even try that. I think the reason he didn’t is because he didn’t want to be rejected again, and I get that. This morning I made the comment, “dang, you didn’t try anything last night, that was weird.” So that’s why my mind is freaking out right now. I feel like he’s still a little annoyed by that whole scenario, and since he’s annoyed, he just isn’t going to text me anymore. Even though, as of last night, he mentioned taking me to the mountains when he gets back and asked me to plan some activities while we’re there; and also mentioned hanging out Friday.

Lala is totally right! You need to pull waaaaay back. You’ve known the guy a week, have already spent the night with him, and had confusion/mixed signals over physical involvement. And, to top it off, you saw him this morning because you spent the night, but are freaking out that he didn’t text you by 10 am? Girl, chill out!

A guy needs to earn your time. In fact, he will respect & value you more if he feels he had to work for your time & attention. Like Lala said, it sounds like this guy has had to do nothing to win you over! You’re already making out and spending the night at his place when you’ve known him a week.

Making him earn your time doesn’t mean playing hard to get, but it means having other things going on in your life. It means not jumping into bed with him immediately.

Stop being so clingy and obsessive. Step back. Live your life. Being available every single night means you have no life, and that will kill a guy’s interest quickly. Find a hobby, take a yoga class or join a book club or something, just do something else besides obsess over this guy.

I understand the tendancy to get swept up when a man is doing the right things, but once again, it has been 1 week. Anyone can be on their best behavior for a week, and to be honest, i would be weirded out by those things after knowing someone for a week! Why should he be asking you about rings and saying those things? He also doesnt know you! I can see how that would get you excited, but i would really caution you to take a step back even more as this sounds more like love bombing than genuine interest. There is no way this man can mean these things seriously about someone he just met. Generally men who talk like this so quickly, disappear just as quickly and the woman is blindsided bc she didnt see the signs that this is abnormal behavior for someone they have only just met.

Also, yes he may not see you freaking out, but men can sense things better than we give them credit for. You may think you are playing it cool, but your behavior (taking aside the fact that you posted on here and I know you are concerned about not hearing from him), the other things i mentioned that you HAVE shown him, so i wouldnt assume he has no idea of your insecurities. If he doesnt yet, its only a matter of time before he does if you continue this pattern.

Again, I have to agree with Lala completely. Please re-read her post, she is so 100% spot on. The behavior you’re describing from him is a huge red flag. There’s no way a guy you’ve known a week should be talking about rings, offering you airline miles, or saying he’s never met any other girl like you.

The problem with these types of guys is they rush things, they put you on a pedestal, then in a few weeks or a month everything crashes down because he realizes you’re not the “perfect” girl he imagined you to be, but just a human being like everyone else.

I’m not trying to freak you out but please do slow your roll. Guard your heart and be really careful about getting swept away by this guy. Guys who are serious about truly getting to know you and developing a bond with you do not try to rush things or talk crazy stuff (like mentioning rings after a week).

Lala, I just looked up love bombing and found surprising similarities. That made me think of how all day and evening before the comedy show he was showering me with compliments, saying he was deactivating his bumble for me, said that we should look for a good church together (we both grew up going to church), said he wanted to take me to the mountains for the weekend, literally whispered in my ear “I’m not going anywhere”, but after I told him I wasn’t ready to be physical, the compliments stopped and things got a little weird. It’s almost like he was saying/doing all that stuff to work towards a goal. Even went as far as to say “sex isn’t important to me. It really isn’t. I just wanna get to know you.”

Tallspicy, thanks for pointing out those things. I actually do have an anxious attachment style and I’ve definitely been trying to work on it. I went ahead and deactivated my bumble as well just because I agree, I might not ready to date. Also, I’m just following his lead. He said he was DEFINITELY going to deactivate his account, so I felt that I had a right to question it. He also expressed fear that I’d leave him because he has a kid, or that I’d just hook up with him and leave because apparently, other girls have done that to him. So maybe it’s possible that he came on this strong with them too, so they just hooked up with him because he’s nice looking and has a good body, then left. It’s not my style, but he claims it’s been done. I appreciate your opinion!

Liz, thanks again for your honesty. When he mentioned the ring, I didn’t take it super seriously, however, I did note it in my head. He went on to say that he’s never been engaged or even close, so I was surprised that he felt so comfortable saying something like that to me after a day (yes, he literally mentioned the ring the day after we met). I definitely need to guard my heart though.

So what should I do for the time being? He said he landed and was at his hotel but that’s all I’ve heard from him and that was a few hours ago. Should I let the whole thing go or wait and see what happens when he gets back? As of last night, he wanted me to come over Friday when he got back after he put his daughter to bed.

There are a couple things here I want to comment on….so he has a daughter. A young daughter I presume? I really question why a man with a young child would have a woman he barely knows over to his home with his daughter there. Even if she’s asleep, that’s not the point. My boyfriend and I both have children (I have a teenager, and my bf’s child is in elementary school). We did not meet each other’s kids until we had been dating exclusively for 9 months. I did not sleep over at my bf’s with his child there until we had been dating exclusively for over a year. People dating with children need to be extra careful about who they expose their kids to! It’s not good for the kids to see a revolving door of dates in and out of their parents’ lives. You only bring the kids into the relationship when you’re certain that it’s solid and serious. You do NOT plan to bring someone that you met off a dating app a week ago around your child, no matter how great the person may seem. So I really question his judgement (even more than I already was).

You mention that he was really laying it on thick until you made it clear you would not get physical with him: “after I told him I wasn’t ready to be physical, the compliments stopped and things got a little weird. It’s almost like he was saying/doing all that stuff to work towards a goal.” And now his texting behavior is different and weird. You should listen to your instinct here! And him going out of his way to tell you “sex isn’t important” and he just wants to get to know you…uh huh. That’s a very strange thing to say to someone you’ve known a week. Of course sex is important in a relationship, in due time- not after a week!

Anxious attachment is difficult.. keep working on it….

What I did think from your initial post though was the bumble message and the intensity was maybe just maybe a manipulative tactic to get things going in the bedroom.

If you want to set your mind at rest over the bumble thing I would set up a fake account with a cat photo or something just for the purpose of seeing if he pops up… I had a guy pull this dating app thing on me and I just had a nagging feeling that he was lying to me. I was right he was still active on the site. It was ok Cupid and what was worse he was online when I found him. I didn’t confront him though just told him that I was no longer feeling it. I had my answer.

Also please don’t apologise for maybe leading him on. You don’t need to ever apologise that you didn’t want to do something. Though clear communication between you and your partner is helpful.

Thanks, Liz. Yes, his daughter is 3. He said she goes to bed at a certain time and doesn’t ever wake up in the night. He only lets me come over after she is asleep when he has her because he’s never introduced her to a girl he’s seeing. He said he’s very cautious about that. Regarding the sex thing, he said, “I’ll wait a million years to have sex with someone like you.” So yes. It does seem a little strange (maybe A LOT strange to everyone else on here.)

Lala, thanks for your response. I find it interesting that you were turned off by a man letting you come over when his daughter was asleep, when that is exactly what this guy does. I will definitely being re-thinking all of it today. He totally might be a player. But would a player go and tell his dad, sister, and two best friends about me?
He did make an interesting comment before he left for his work trip. He said, “yeah, usually women get all worried when I travel to CA for work just because there’s so many girls there but I want you especially to understand that when I travel for work, I work constantly. I get it done, then I come back as soon as I can.” Then he proceeded to say, “my last girlfriend lived in South Dakota (we live in CO) because I met here there on a work trip.” This is AFTER telling me that when he’s on business trips, trying to meet a girl is NOT something he does.

Thanks, Lil. I agree. He even made the comment on the way back from the comedy show (where he ordered me 3 shots of whiskey on ice, which is NOT my drink of choice, EVER…but it definitely would have gotten me drunk if I drank it), “let’s see if Walgreens is open and we can get some condoms.” Even though I had told him I didn’t want to have sex yet.
It would be awful to find out someone was not only active on a dating app they said they were off of, but online at the same time! Guys can be extremely challenging to trust. But yes, I did make a new account on Bumble but then realized since he’s traveling, his location will be in CA. So it won’t even show up on my end until he’s back in CO. Too bad I don’t know anybody in CA on Bumble so they could check for me ;) Hahaha, but that’s a joke! I wouldn’t do that.

Sooo, after he texted me and said he got to his hotel, I said, “Good. So you just want me to come over Friday after 9pm? I’m not traveling home anymore so I’m trying to plan out my week here.” We’re both planners so it’s not uncommon for either of us to send a text such as that one. Anyway, no response. 6 hours later, I sent him a link to a hotel that I thought he had told me about and asked if it was the one he said he wanted to take me to here in a few weeks. Again, NO RESPONSE. I was talking to a friend about it and she said, “well if he’s comfortable enough to talk about rings, after A DAY, you shouldn’t feel bad for wanting to text him while he’s traveling for work.”
I’ll be disappointed if I don’t hear from him today…he literally said to me, “i’m never going to leave you.” Which is…weird…I know. And I actually told him not to say it.

What does everyone think? As of Monday morning, we had plans to hang out Friday evening when he returns. Should I just assume it isn’t going to happen due to his lack of communication? I get that he’s traveling for work, and you’re right, Lala, I have no idea what that entails, but when you’ve been communicating daily for 6 solid days, sending a good night text at the very least, should not be a challenge.