I’ve been seeing someone for about 2 months now, and we have sex often but he won’t call me his girlfriend even though we’ve met each other’s families, spend a lot of time together and act like we are dating. Is telling him I won’t have sex with him anymore because we aren’t dating, and I’m now uncomfortable with it, a bad idea? I think it might help me see if he’s only in it for sex, but I’m not sure.
Read our guy’s response after the jump!
Here are my immediate thoughts:
First, be very careful about using the words “just” or “only” when it comes to relationships or sex. No man is in a relationship “just” for sex. That’s not to say that every man’s reason is beyond superficial or is “good” for the other person. That would be a naive and ridiculous thing for me to claim.
What I’m saying is that there’s some reason he chose you versus the other billions of women he could have chose on Earth. In other words, there’s at least one reason he chose you other than the fact that he can have sex with you. It’s useful to realize that there’s always more than one reason a man choose a woman, so the more useful question you could ask yourself is, “What are all the reasons he chose me over all the other women on Earth?”
This is an empowering question because it puts your mind on all your high-points and what you bring to a relationship. If you ask yourself whether or not you’re being used for sex, it will immediately put you on the defensive and fill you with fears… And most of the time we’re filled with fears about things that would never happen and will never happen… and yet we have them.
It’s very important that you ask yourself questions that empower you. Nobody can do that for you, you have to make the decision to do that and take that responsibility.
With that being said, if you’ve met his family and he’s met yours… if you spend a lot of time together… if you act like boyfriend and girlfriend…. well????? :)
I’m being a little silly with how I’m saying this, but if all these things are in place, you’re pretty much his girlfriend. And yet, you’re choosing to focus on the title…
Now, this is something countless women have brought up and will continue to bring up. The title, the title, the title…
I can tell you this, both from personal experience and from hearing from tons of other men: The best way to determine the woman to be with is to see how she reacts when you don’t give her what she wants. I mean, think about it. Sure, it’s easy to be with a woman when she’s happy and when you’re doing everything she wants. But that’s not always possible – every man knows that sooner or later the woman is going to be unhappy with something he said or did. It’s better to know how she’ll be sooner rather than later.
Now, before you explode into saying, “That’s not fair, that’s ridiculous!” let me say that women have their way of testing a man and men have their ways of testing a woman. Yeah, we all complain about it, but testing is a good thing. Testing is how we protect ourselves from long-term heartache and eventual heartbreak.
So my advice is to think about this like a test. Focus on having a high-quality relationship. Focus on making sure the relationship as a whole meets all of your expectations. Focus on being really clear on all the reasons he’s chosen you. Focus on bringing your best self to the table. And focus on testing things out as well. It’s important that you are clear on what really, truly matters to you. If this relationship does not deliver that, it’s better you know that now.
But I believe that you’ll get this clarity not by sizing up the man, but sizing up the relationship.
I’m being a little abstract here, but stay with me. What I’m saying is that