Decoding Male Behavior: How Guys Deal With Breakups post image

Decoding Male Behavior: How Guys Deal With Breakups


When I write an Ask a Guy, Sabrina and I will usually discuss the content before it goes live.

Recently the subject of guys and breakups came up and Sabrina and I went back and forth about what guys generally go through when they breakup. It came down to be too much to put into the article I was writing, so we decided that I should throw it all into an installment of “Decoding Male Behavior”.

To start, I wanted to write this article to dispel some of the misconceptions I’ve heard in regards to men and breakups.

I’ve heard things like “When a guy’s relationship ends, he replaces her. When a woman’s relationship ends, she mourns,” or “He’s just hooking up with such-and-such to spite the ex-girlfriend,” or “Guys just don’t care” and other nonsense.

To dispel the misconceptions, let’s take a look at some of the universal truths about guys and breakups – some of which may surprise you since they certainly are hidden from the surface.

Breakups are hard on all guys.  Simple enough to say, but I know plenty of women will talk about some guy who was an  insensitive jackass to her after the relationship fell apart.

The fact is: If a guy is profoundly obnoxious or terrible after a breakup, it is just testament to how rough the breakup was on him. Some people simply cope by lashing out.

MORE: 5 Things Every Girl Needs to Know About Guys

But what about the guy who breaks up and goes totally cold?

Jerry Seinfeld once said that breaking up a relationship needs to be like taking off a Band-aid – One motion: OFF! In the same regard, when a relationship ends, it is much much harder for a guy to go back and discuss and revisit and talk through and explain, etc. etc.

In fact, guys like to keep their emotional spectrum focused on a tight range of emotions – somewhere between amusement and contentedness. So any interaction that a guy knows will bring him out of that sweet range of emotions is an interaction he’s going to do everything he can to avoid.

Personally, I have had breakups where I pretty much went cold. It’s not that I simply stopped caring. I wanted her to be OK, I wanted good things for her in life, but I knew that nothing was going to make the situation better.

No discussion was going to fix things, no clarity was to be had – it would have just been an emotional toilet for both of us. I realize it probably came off jerky, but when I cut off communication, my heart is in the right place. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a monster, I won’t completely cut a girl off, but I definitely won’t discuss anything along a relationship conversational thread.)

But what about the guy that immediately gets into a new relationship right afterward?

This is a no-brainer – a guy does this because he doesn’t want to be alone and he doesn’t want to “deal with himself.”

If he jumps into another relationship, he can still maintain his dose of external female validation and self-esteem. It has its cost though and eventually devolves into a crippling neediness. Guys need to work their internal issues out, which brings me to another question…

MORE: Ask a Guy: How Can I Avoid Being the Rebound?

But what about the guy that “goes off the deep end” and just starts hooking up with every girl he sees?

A guy once told me that “A man is devastated at the end of a relationship to the extent to which he sold himself out.”

What does it mean for a guy to sell himself out (in the context of a relationship)?

Every guy has a set of core values for who he is, what he stands for, and what he really wants out of life. Sometimes in a relationship, a guy will really, really love a girl and may start to compromise these core values. Maybe he changes his lifestyle, stops hanging out with certain friends, or changes his habits.

It seems innocent enough, but over time the guy begins to starve for whatever it was he got from the things he gave up. It changes the guy and, in turn, changes the relationship. As a result,  the relationship usually suffers and, in the case of this example, ends.

When the relationship ends, that guy is … [Click here to keep reading...]

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Ray March 26, 2014, 7:45 pm

Thanks Eric for writing this. Don’t mind any male haters!! You just helped me understand my ex wasn’t lying when he saiid he did care., even though he moved on.

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Lisa Wilson March 26, 2014, 9:37 am

I think this is probably true, but is very patronising. Guys should retreat into themselves and spend time with their friends and learn to “forgive themselves” for their bad behaviour during relationship/break up. Ok. That’s nice for him or maybe he can implement his male appendages and be a decent person so he has nothing to forgive himself for. There is no excuse for behaving badly, male or female, I’m sick of seeing male “logic” as an excuse for being a jerk. Also the explanation for why they go cold is the most patronising thing I’ve ever read. It roughly translates into “I don’t want her anymore. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I will ignore her” don’t sugarcoat this.

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summer January 31, 2014, 1:27 am

My boyfriend of about one year (he broke up with me literally two weeks before the year mark) just recently broke up with me. He also bought me a pretty pricey ring for the year mark (not engagement, we’re only 17). We had been fighting a lot ever since school started back, which we were about 3 or 4 months into when he ended it. He was dealing with a lot of stress trying to apply to colleges and dealing with scholarships (he’s a senior, I’m only a junior), and I was dealing with my own stress from school work. While we were dating, I got on birth control, which I found was the source of most of my mood swings and random crying fits. Unfortunately, I realized this a lot later than I wished I had because its one of the main reasons he cut it off. I became quite a pain in the ass and had a habit of taking out my stress on him because I felt as if he’d never leave. He broke up with me once around September, but the breakup didn’t last for even 24 hours because the next day he came up to me saying he wanted to work it out. Things were fine for a good bit until school became even harder and we went back to having our good and bad days. We had gotten into an argument one day and I began crying and he broke it off once again. The difference between this time and the time before is that he sat there and bawled with me the first time for hours, but he was stone-faced the second time. The next day I went to school in hopes that he’d change his mind like the time before, but he didnt. That weekend he tried remaining friends with me, saying he still loved me and valued our friendship, but I couldnt help but call him crying by the end of the day asking why. He became annoyed and I then missed all of that next week of school and stayed home crying. My dad had blocked his number on my phone to prevent either of us trying to contact each other. The week after that, I came back to school and tried to act like myself again. I went out of my way to try to fix up my hair and accessorize with my uniform in hopes that him seeing me appearing to be fine would get to him. It did. That Friday we got in a huge argument at lunch over him accusing me of starting a rumor that he had cheated on me. Typical high school drama. We went our separate ways after exchanging a few harsh words. That Saturday night we both attended a party of a mutual friend. I made sure to dress myself up knowing he’d be there. I honestly had a great time, but he seemed to keep to himself the whole night. I was afraid to go up to him and ask if he was okay because we had gotten into an argument the day before and I assumed he’d just tell me to “fuck off” or something along those lines. I asked his friend what was up and he continued to tell me not to worry about it, that he was just really high (something he normally doesn’t do). He ended up leaving the party early. Next day come to find out that all the times he disappeared during the party, he was actually sitting on the front porch crying. He left early sobbing, saying “I really miss her, man” repeatedly. Why his friend didnt tell me this upfront is still a mystery to me because to this day I feel like I could have done something and things would be different. The next night I called him asking if he was okay and we cried on the phone to eachother until 3 in the morning saying we missed eachother. All that next day we talked like everything was normal, then that night he called me and said he couldnt forgive me for what I had done to him. Saying that I was flirting with one of his best friends at that party (I wasnt) and that I shouldnt have made him watch that because it was “too soon” for him when HE was the one who broke up with ME. He also stated “I though I loved you, but I dont because of what you did to me”. I began sobbing to him and apologizing for things I really didnt need to apologize for, and then he hung up on me. Two months has passed since then and all of his friends still remain friends with me and hangout with me. A lot of them have dropped him because he’s been treating everyone rudely for talking to me and isolating himself. Come to find out recently, he’s now dating a new girl, and not just any girl, but the one girl who he used to talk about hating the most. This girl has liked him since middle school and has had an unhealthy obsession with him, like she does with many guys, for a while. He used to constantly tell me that he was going to get a restraining order against her and constantly called her a “whore” or a “slut” because shes notorious for sending nudes and hooking up with a lot of guys. He hated this girl and wanted nothing to do with her, but the moment she reached out to him in his “time of need” shes become his guardian angel or something. I feel like it wouldn’t hurt as bad if it were someone else. Now they’re dating and it has only been TWO months since we broke up. All she does is tweet about how in love she is and she posts pictures in sweatshirts that I once wore as well (which I find humorous). The weird thing is is that he doesn’t post anything about her, he doesnt hug her, or even hold her hand in public- things he always did with me. When we were out in public, he always proudly had his arm around my waist. I was the first girl he ever brought home to his family and took to family occasions. We went on family vacations together and became really serious, probably too serious for a high school relationship. His mother told me that even as a child he wasnt affectionate and it was funny seeing that all change when I came along. Another thing that I find funny is that when he first asked me to be his girlfriend, he made sure to hop on his phone and change his relationship status on facebook. I know it sounds silly because it’s just facebook, but he still has yet to make it “facebook official” with her. In the beginning, the new girl, Brittney, stated that they “didnt want it to stir up any drama so it was kept on the low” but she ended up telling everybody anyways, so now that everyone knows, wouldnt it make sense to go ahead and publicize it? I mean, she has, but he doesnt at all. Another incident that happened just the other week was when me and a group of friends (some that were his friends) went out to dinner and then to a soccer game. His closest friend, Chris, recieved a text message later that night from my ex boyfriend. He yelled at him via text message for hanging out with his ex girlfriend over him. Chris brushed it off and told him to get over it and that he was the one who was acting weird with everyone. Yesterday, a friend of mine screenshotted some text messages from Brittney, the new girl, that she had sent him. That night her and my ex boyfriend were apparently driving around following our group of friends, which is funny because he told Chris that night that he was hanging out with one of his guy friends, Zack. But the reason he knew that Chris was even hanging out with me was because they were following us. The purpose is unknown. I just find it funny that he felt the need to waste his gas to either A, stay updated on my whereabouts, or B feel the need to show up wherever I was with her on his arm to tick me off. I mean that must mean he still cares in some way right? Because he’s making the effort to piss me off. But I also wonder how he can move on so quickly into what she is making out to be such a serious relationship. She states that “God put them on this earth to be together” and literally the first week they started talking again, she told everyone they were going to get married. I have no clue if hes feeding her these lies, or if shes making them up on her own because he doesnt talk about their “relationship” to anyone. I’d like to think hes just using her to get over me, because when we broke up he always called her crying, and she was the first shoulder he had to cry on. My mother claims that if I give it a couple of months he’ll break up with that girl and come crawling back to me, just like she says my father did to her when they went through this same situation (as adults, so it was obviously more serious). I even confided in my ex boyfriends mother about it because she was really cool, and she said that hes one to push his feelings aside and stay mad about a situation for a while, and to just give him time. Honestly, all Im looking for is an answer as to why hes being so stubborn to admit hes not over it and why he was so quick to go into this new relationship with someone he always despised.
I know my story sounds childish compared to all the others who have commented on this article haha.

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Lindsay January 20, 2014, 7:00 pm

I met this guy, *Ryan at a party freshman year. We started talking and I asked him to hang out with a bunch of people but he said he was busy. A month later we hooked up and started a physical relationship. A year later I started dating this other guy, Ryan texted me one night, I told him I was seeing someone and he said he wished he had asked me out. That summer he messaged me, asking about girl troubles. He had recently broken up with this girl and was asking me advice. We ended up talking a lot for about a month or so, then nothing. School started back up and he texted me saying he was sorry. Our physical relationship picked back up over the next year. Then senior year I texted him and he said he was seeing someone. We graduated, and over the last two years he has randomly texted me even while he was in a relationship.

About a month ago he texted me saying he was thinking about me. I was curious so I replied. Apparently he had been taking care of his mother during the last stages of cancer and was doing a lot of self-reflection. He wanted to apologize for the way he acted in college. We started talking everyday from when he woke up till I went to bed. At one point I was going to visit him and stay over. I realized I had feelings for him and told him I didn’t know if it was a good idea. I asked him where this was going, but he said he was just “conversing” with me.

After a few days of not talking, we started talking again. Our conversation became more intense (personal things.) He asked if I would visit and I agreed. So one weekend I went to his place, he cooked for me every meal and we watched movies all day. Sunday morning came and before I left I asked if this was going anywhere. He told me that he didn’t want to invest the time in anyone because he was dealing with his mom’s death and her belongings.

I was hurt and left kinda suddenly. A few days later I texted him, he said he hadn’t texted since I left because of how quickly I left. I told him that I was hurt by what he said, he explained that he didn’t mean to direct it at me, but that I had started a new job and he was focusing on selling his mom’s house. I asked him if I was wasting my time, or if there was something between us. I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but was wondering if there was a possibility for one in the future. I told him to take some time and think about it. A day later he told me he was sorry, but he felt like he would be holding me back and that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was hurt and asked him why he wanted me to visit so badly, and why he was talking to me so much if he wasn’t at least interested. He said that wasn’t his intention to hurt me and that he was sorry for leading me on. I told him not to text me again, and we both admitted that we were sorry for the way this was ending.

Did I do the right thing, by ending it? Was he just playing me, or does he really care and was scared to admit his feelings? Should I contact him or move on?

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Melissa June 8, 2013, 2:08 pm

I’m a widow, lost my husband to a drunk driver and waited 11 years before I started
Dating. I met a very nice gentleman we became very close very fast. He’s a real charmer.
Found out his divorce wasn’t final but separation had been final for several months.
Fast forward we moved in together, very much in love to this day.
My grown son was very Leary of this man that left his home in bankruptcy and moved across country to live with me so he wasn’t ready to let my grandchildren around him. This made my Bf angry. He was here 3 weeks and I found a love letter to his ex. She had apparently became ill and he said he wrote it to her to help her feel better. II made him move out. He then flys ex down here to help him move back. Then starts crying to me to forgive him. I did. However I would not let him move back in with me. He had to take an apt. Through the next months we enjoyed each others company tremendously however I would still catch him talking to the ex. He always had great reasons, or excuses.i also caught him answering personals on Craigslist, he said his self esteem was down because he felt pushed aside. The last coupe de gras was when he got angry at me because he was not invited to my sons for Christmas Eve he took his ex on a two week trip to California. I was defaststed but forgave him because he just has that little boy charm that makes me feel he was just acting out and he loves me so much or though I wanted to believe. My son at this point would NOT let my grandchildren come around as long as he was here so I would have to ask him to leave when I had them. He finally moved back to his home state telling me it was my sons fault. I finally went no contact and he still texts me love songs and then gets silent which really keeps me torn up
I just want to know. Should I have told my son to kiss my rump and not sent my bf home when the grandchildren were coming?
Should I have stayed with him in Christmas Eve and not my grandchildren?
Have I totally messed up or am I on the right track getting this liar and Cheater away from me? I still love him so much. It’s the private moments and the wonderful charming things he would say and do that I can’t seem to get out if my heart.

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Debra September 16, 2013, 9:48 am

Dear Melissa, Why take crumbs from a man who does not have anything to give you but charm? I am sorry for the pain you must have had over losing your husband. My husband passed away three years ago. He was my soulmate, my darling. I have grown so much in the past three years. It is with God’s help that I am learning about men and the difference between charmers and a really good man. Our problem as women is when we click into mommy mode and find all kinds of excuses for the behavior of the immature man who is ruining our life! Why let this man continually take from you what only a husband should have? Your son is correct is is exhibiting moral behavior you could learn from! I don’t mean to be harsh, but so much pain and heartache comes from giving men the kind of intimacy that should only be given in marriage, and having the man use you up, then move on to other amusements, leaving you devastated. Let that man go back to his X, that is what he wants anyway. You can put yourself on a higher plane than being a type of “call girl” for a baby! I hope things work out better for you and that you find a man who will consider you a woman of value and not a nurse maid. For this to happen, you must value yourself and not throw your pearls before swine!

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Amy April 16, 2013, 9:31 pm

8 weeks ago he decided to end our relationship, there was no specific reason, but overall I was feeling he was pulling away from me a few days before that.
I tried to email him few times after the breakup, but no respond from him at all.
since about 10 days and on, he was leaving some sad comments about missing on his facebook page, but he never tried to contact me.
it has been 16 day since the last email I sent him.
we have been so much in love, never argued about anything, until this moment I still so much in love with him, and I miss him so much…
I want to ask, is there any chance, that he will try to contact me again? or after 2 month of a break up he will be long gone (I mean from man prospective )?
And after how long of waiting he might come back?

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Jessi May 29, 2013, 3:39 pm

Hey girl, I’m going through the same thing. did he ever come back? I’m worried as well.

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Bianca June 11, 2013, 2:01 am

I went thru the same thing. Mine broke up with me one year ago and I still miss him. He contacted me four months after we broke and up he seemed to have regretted but wasn’t clear. It has been one year of hell. What helped me tremendously was a book called “He is scared, she is scared”. It explained what was going on in his mind. I highly recommend you to read it.

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Maria March 5, 2013, 7:19 pm

Hi Eric,

I had no choice of breaking up with my boyfriend after being cheated on with the same girl on three occasions and speaking with the chick– complety realizing I made a big mistake cause she said she was scared but worded it the same area that I did and made my life a living hell with the staring and gossip going about the situation. Now I ended the relationship with the packed most of his things except what was in thr laudry and mail– I have asked him to stop having his mail come to my home and have tried to make arraignments to drop off or he can pick up his things he says he will an never does or is always busy and now it’s three months– why would he do this communication is none and I was really upset and went off thr day of thr break up.. What should I think is going on- should I mail him his things? Need some advice…

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carla theriault March 5, 2013, 11:31 pm

Don’t mail his things. DONT! move on. There’s no point in waiting on him to respond to anything. Sorry to be blunt but he does not care. And there’s no reason for you to waste your heart or energy on someone who does not do the same. I have been there, caring for someone and trying to be decent to them even though they were not decent to me. Bottom line if their things were that important, then they would make an effort to get them. NOT NOT NOT WORTH IT AT ALL! You deserve to be treated better. In fact, get rid of his things. They serve as a constant reminder of his horrible presence in your life. Run far far away from him, and say, good riddance to bad rubbish!

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Amy January 3, 2013, 3:37 am

I couldn’t be bothered reading what everyone had to write and their opinions and I really don’t care, I just wanted to say thank-you because your words have given me a huge insight into the minds of my ex. You’re exactly right and I believe he has gone and is going through the stages you have mentioned. It’s given me a sense of realization and closure. I couldn’t thank you enough.

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Shani October 11, 2012, 2:56 am

Hi Eric,
I don’t think you’ll get the chance to reply to my comment but I just want to also thank you.
My first relationship ended about 2 and a half months ago. He was initially really understanding about it but he definitely got less patient. He hooked up with someone a week later, became angry when I told him I was having a rough time, and as time passed and I had finally come to terms with the break up (kinda sorta), I tried to point out the positive things I got from the relationship and he lashed out by saying he wasn’t ready to reminisce on the good times just yet. Which although caused me to break down, made me realize that he does care and miss me, and it hurts him as much as it hurts me, but rather than letting himself think too much about our relationship, he avoids it and thinks it’ll all just disappear. But I know one day, when he tries to actually have something deep with a girl, I will be the first thing that comes to mind. And I pride myself in knowing that I still do mean a lot to him, whether he wants to confront that thought or not.
Thank you for making me feel a whole lot better than I have been recently.

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achrysalis August 12, 2012, 12:08 pm

thanks! this, and so many of the other pieces ‘speak’ to me. as indeed they do to many people here – so gracias for doing what you do, the thought and the empathy.

i don’t think my current situation is any more unusual than others. its just that each of us has to endure our own lives and struggles, and sometimes these get hard. the short of it is that i have been single for a long time now (after a painful divorce 10 years ago), with intermittent relationships, none of which worked (often because i wasn’t ready). now i finally feel that i can (maybe) be with someone – and – as luck would have it, the person i like a lot is a very old friend. unfortunately there’s a complicated history there too – we had a brief something many years ago, and he couldn’t handle it ( he was coming out of something then). he disappeared for a while. we met again some years later, when i was with someone else, and he too. and got back as friends, which was great as we were very close at one point. the last some years its been like that – light, very friendly, and certainly nothing that could be even remotely complicated. suddenly this changed for me a couple of months back. this was soon after he broke up with his 2nd long term partner, moved out, and began seeing more of me. and all the usual stuff – more emails, calls, meetings, chats on messenger etc. and then i went out of town for a month – and he was meant to come and travel with me. this didn’t happen – there were health issues in his family, and i must confess i was a little relieved too. i wasn’t clear if i could move it up a notch without us ever speaking about what had happened between us in the past….

to cut this long ramble short, we were in very close, and extremely fond contact when i was away. when i returned he was away. suffice it to say that he’s been back almost a month, and hasn’t made an effort to see me. even though before i returned it was all plans about what we should do. i made contact a couple of times – in fact, each time, i initiated contact. but i feel he’s pulling back. i never push if he doesn’t reply. partly i feel confused and hurt; partly its self preservation. we all know people who want to make contact, do so.

yesterday morning i suddenly got a chat message from him (even though i was offline) saying he was sorry he missed me the other day on chat, but is now out of town on work and is back next week; and that he had been sick in between which is why he didn’t call. hmmm…..i didn’t reply – because i don’t know what to say. everything sounds wrong. and excessive, given where we are at the moment. i can’t say that i am not hurt or confused. i am. yet, i like him enough to give him a long rope.

and after reading some of your pieces (both of yours actually) i feel he is still confused and messed up with his break up. and then there is this strange thing with me – partly terribly comfortable because of the history of friendship; partly, terrifying maybe because its clear that if we moved it beyond this stage, it would have to be serious….

so, taking a leaf out of your book, i have tried to focus on myself, my interests, friends, work, etc. and try not to think too critically of him; as indeed too fondly. after all, who knows what will happen? i don’t want to get hurt – that’s all!

thanks for listening!

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Ashley August 9, 2012, 10:24 pm

Hi Eric,

I was with my ex for two years I moved from my home state where I grew up at to be with him when he was transferred for the military. I gave up everything I knew to be with him. He did propose to me in December of 2011 and we were supposed to get married July 21, 2012. A month and a half from our wedding day he is texting a girl he met once over 1, 400 text messages in 3 days and yes it’s not a typo I do mean over 1,400 messages. He didn’t feel it was wrong and thought she was a cool girl and wanted to get to know her. I did not agree with him, but he turned it around on me saying he can’t trust me when. All I do is go to work, cook, clean and take care of him and the dogs. He called our wedding off over text message. The day before I found out if I had cervical cancer or not (I don’t thought :). Then he broke up with me the day after my cancer results. I packed my bags and moved to the sunshine state. What’s hurts the most is he said he didn’t want to get married because marriage isn’t for him and he doesn’t want kids ever. Even though he just got married August 8, 2012 to the girl he was texting. He knew her for 2.5 months and only saw her on his days off 10 days out of the month maybe if that. I feel like I have been slapped in the face and I’m embarressed about it all. How do you get over something like this and have a life again? Help me please…I want my life back.

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Machine September 4, 2012, 9:37 am

You sound like a teenage girl,no offense.Well,his confidence went up when he joined the military.Be grateful that he cut you loose early.Thank God the guy didn’t have kids with you and then leave you lol.No offense,but 2 years isn’t long enough to whine about lol.Wait until you’re with someone over 5-10 years lol.Be thankful to God and cut your losses.Don’t blame him for your demise in Florida.Just live your life.Your peers in girly films seem to do this well.Educate yourself and worry about your career.Men are a dime a dozen,and the same holds true for women lol.Good luck,I hope you don’t have cancer.

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carla March 1, 2013, 11:49 am

that is so sad. I am sorry this happened to you. I experienced something like this once where the guy actually left me after 5 years, and married a girl after a year. It took me months to get over it, but looking back now I can honestly say I’m glad he ended things. There were a lot of thing he did that bothered me and he just wasn’t the right one for me. Rejection hurts of course. It makes you feel like less of a person than who the guy you love chose over you. I bet if you looked back into that relationship one day after time has passed, you will see that he probably wasn’t the one for you. Just because it doesn’t work out with someone does not mean you suck, it just means you two may have not been right for each other. The other girl is not some goddess among women, she just might match his preferences more. No woman or man is perfect for everyone. Kind of like how not every shoe fits. You will, with time come to the point where you say, “good riddance” or something of the like. If someone can leave you just like that, then why waste time caring about them? You’ll see I promise. I’m sorry that he didn’t have the decency even to commiserate after giving 2 years of your life to him. But you are better off not caring for sure.

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Ecs_11 August 7, 2012, 5:33 pm

Hi Eric, first off I know my comment isn’t exactly suitable for this particular post but I am still going to go ahead and post it anyway. I would like to thank you for your amazing website and your very enlightening e-mails. You’ve helped me greatly and I highly think of you and of anewmode. I am submitting this comment because of the tremendous depression I felt after reading your full series/newsletter titled “Inner World of Men”. It is probably the most depressing thing I’ve read in my life, especially the e-mail about how you and Amy broke up. I understand the point you tried to make was that on the road of love you will get heartbroken but can I please say one thing? True love is one where both partners fight to their last breath to stay with each other. The reason I am greatly affected by the story of you and Amy is because it highly resonates with the relationship I currently have with my boyfriend and best friend of four years. We’ve been through exactly what you and Amy went through; we went through HELL and then some. Ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends getting involved, self-esteem issues, guilt-tripping, so many “breaks”, you name it – but we’re still together – STILL together after fighting so hard for four years to be with each other and now we’re in a place that we’ve never been in before. We’re in a place of pure clarity. And we have the exact same love you and Amy had, the same chemistry, the same passion, the same understanding and romance you described in Part 8, maybe even more so. And yet there were times when we couldn’t stand each other, there was a phase in 2011 when we would fight if we were in the same room for more than 5 minutes. We honestly traversed the realms of heaven and hell a million times. And I’ve been so bad to him to, trying to torture him for mistakes he’s done. I’ve neglected his needs as a man, I’ve crushed his ego, and he’s broken promises. Yet we never left each other’s side. He never cheated, and I never stopped taking care of him. We stuck together, we fought hard, we fought until our bones gave away from underneath us. Yeah we’ve taken “breaks” and “personal space” but despite all that anger and bitterness whenever he walked into a room my whole world would light up, everytime. He stuck by me – I turned from the cool, passionate, adventorous gf who would make love in the back of a subway train to the jealous, possessive, crazy gf and he STILL stayed by my side. He turned from the romantic chivalrous knight in shining armor to a cold-hearted bf who doesn’t return calls or texts for days on end. And yeah there were times when I wanted to kill myself because of him, but whenever I saw him sleeping at night, peacefully breathing by my side, it’s like all those demons and all that anger was washed away in a heartbeat. And that’s how I know our love is true. That’s how I rest assured that if we stayed together 50 years from now we’ll still love each other and the flame will still be burning. He held on to me in my worst times, he stuck by my side and I stuck by his – he tolerated me at times when I couldn’t tolerate my ownself and I’ve forgiven him for everything. And we made it through, today, we’ve reached a stage in our relationship where he’d verbally beat someone up if they interrupted my speech, and I’ve reached a point where if someone insults him with so much as a word I’ll cut that person from my life completely. I said all this to get THIS golden point across: When you find someone who loves you and at the end of the day can still lie by your side at night despite all your flaws, STICK WITH THEM. Cherish them, hold on to them, love them with all your heart. NEVER let go, NEVER. Two people who TRULY love each other would never give up on each other. “Love never fails”- 1 Corinthians 13:8. That’s what making it through the thick and thin is all about, that’s what through health and sickness is, that’s what genuine love and a great relationship is! Love isn’t just butterflies and cotton candy, love is sticking with your partner when the sh*t hits the fan and you’re elbow-deep in misery. Love is going through hell and back but still holding on to each other and still being capable of loving each other despite everything. When you were describing Amy in your newsletter it sounded like you were describing the love of your life, your soulmate. How could someone let go of a love like that? Even if things get sour, and they ALWAYS do in EVERY relationship, it takes BOTH of you to hold on and make things better. Things need to get sour so you both learn how to make it all better. We make mistakes to learn, and grow together, helping each other become better and stronger in the process. A relationship is like a seed, it will endure tides and storms but if you treat it right and learn how to take care of it, it grows up to become a magnificent tree. Never let go, never. I am posting this so that I can give HOPE to people out there, and tell them relationships aren’t like fruit, once they go rotten you can’t make them better. YES you can, and I HAVE. All you need is faith in yourself, your partner and your relationship. And you need to come from a place of love. All that heart-ache and anger and holding on to little mistakes just LET IT GO, forgive, forgive, forgive. Let it go. Let it go until there is nothing left in your heart for your partner but love. Love generates love, it’s pure positive energy that will attract good things with it. Anger, fear, guilt, blame, those are negative energies and all they’ll bring with them is more negativity and ultimately a terrible break up. Come from a place of love and I mean cherish their FLAWS even. Make a love journal if you can, write 10 things that you love about your partner everyday /or a list of good things that your partner does for you and contemplate it – and then go thank your partner for it. We humans tend to forget how good a person is to us and we just focus on what they did wrong or what’s so bad about them. We’re so focused on the thorns on a rose that we completely forget its beauty. It’s so sad it really is how people LET a good relationship slip away, especially when there is always a solution. I know I’ve written so much but as you can see I’m a passionate person. Eric, I want nothing but love and peace for you and love and peace for everyone out there and everyone reading this. I say this because the thought of losing the love of my life paralyzes every cell in my body and I really don’t want to see anyone go through that.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

Blessings
Ecs_11

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Eric Charles August 7, 2012, 5:52 pm

First, I appreciate the comment.
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You have to realize that the story was simplified and I could only get in so much detail… it was 10 episodes long as it was they were big e-mails.
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It wasn’t meant to advocate anyone’s actions from the story… It was meant to bring things to the table to discuss, like you’re doing here.
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It’s a story from my own personal experience and I did use it to highlight certain points and universal relationship experiences, but it wasn’t meant to counter your point of sticking together.
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Life changed around us and we both realized that we had more living to do. Amy and I lived in the glow of youthful idealism and innocence never lasts. We went separate ways for reasons that extended beyond what was written. But that’s partly by design because I wanted to open the discussion and address the points that came up thereafter…
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Like I said, this was years ago and I was in my mid-20s. I’m 30 now… I’ve learned a lot and gained plenty more years as a dating coach. But I didn’t want to tell the story in a way that sugarcoated what actually happened. If I did, it wouldn’t have been helpful.
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Don’t be depressed – it’s just a story and ultimately the story is meant to help and bring things to light.

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JClair August 7, 2012, 11:21 pm

We should appreciate that Eric is sharing deep private stuff so we can have a better understanding of men and relationships.
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Eric, I have a question regarding this article and the series. When I broke up with my ex, he started dating another girl. After a month they were a couple in Facebook, had tons of pictures together, spent every waking minute together and obviously this led to a needy and troublesome relationship. When they broke up, he was single for a year. After this year, he contacted me again and after a while, we got back together. It’s a great relationship, but he is having a bit of a commitment phobia (which he didn’t have in our previous relationship). Do you think it’s related to his other relationship?

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Toni August 4, 2012, 10:32 am

Hi Guys,
I need some advice here… I broke off a relationship with my ex after a little over a year of dating. He was childish for his age, 35 acted like he had the mantality of a 20 yr old, he started getting too comfy and calling me names when he drank and got upset with me, mostly bc I didn’t agree with his point of view, he also has a tendency of over exaggerating past arguments or situations.
We did work together for about 5 yrs. Recently he started a page on FB with the people we use to work with, in which I was invited by past coworkers. I noticed that he has recently blocked me from this page… How incredible immature for a 35 yr old man to act.
Granted we have been broken up for 3 months now..
He didn’t block me from his FB page, just the page with our ex coworkers..
I really want to put him down and tell him how stupid it is….
Any suggestions??

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Stephanie July 27, 2012, 11:20 pm

Yes, I have noticed that in my ex’s behaviour as well. I kinda pity them in a way…

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Machine September 4, 2012, 9:45 am

I guess you’re the amazing vagina?No worrys honey,you’ll dry up when you’re 40 and no hot man will want you then lol.

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Lonesome July 22, 2012, 11:14 pm

And what about the guy who starts seeing a different girl two weeks before he plans to break up with his girlfriend of over two years?

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Joe July 31, 2012, 12:28 pm

I would hate to be in that man’s shoes! If it were me, i would be running back to tell her the truth. I’ld accept the heat for what i had done. And pray to god that one day she’ld forgive me! I once was like him, I dated this girl for years but I thought the grass was greener. We fought alot so i figured there was something better and if not i could go back to her. I was wrong on all accounts. I lied and she caught me so instead of beong honest i hurt her and i left her and i started calling and going out with soneone else. But she wasnt her and she couldnt ever replace my baby. I let her go and I lost her forever. The biggest mistake I ever made in my life. The only one I hurt in the end was me. So don’t worry, the guy will long be sorry and because you were fair to him, you’ll find love and happiness like she did. I left her and i let her hurt because it wasn’t easy on me. I lied about everything. Now I’m the one that hurts for what I did and i will most likely miss this girl for the rest of mu life. But my selfish ways and lies cost me everything. This is a road I would never wish on anyone.

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Dani July 31, 2012, 2:47 pm

hey Joe

thanks for comment Joe

can u please scroll down to my post

do u think my ex regrets

the “other woman” (aka grass is “greener” person) stalked and harassed and tried to traumatize me until he got in on it, the result was a very bad car accident i got into.

with no support, this happened.

do u think he cared?

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Dani July 31, 2012, 2:48 pm

ps

not that i should care

so mad

so sad

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Dani July 31, 2012, 2:48 pm

though

Paula June 29, 2012, 4:56 am

Wow Eric,
So many people ask for your advice and you ignore 90% of them…The only time you comment is to think someone for liking the article or defending yourself.
Kind of a douche bag thing to do.

Cheerio

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Eric Charles June 29, 2012, 12:04 pm

I would love to answer everyone’s questions… there aren’t enough hours in the day…
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I run two companies and only 10% of the work I have to do is writing content. It’s a lot of work.
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Plus, I’m doing it for free… I don’t know how much free time you donate to complete strangers, but I’ve happily donated thousands of hours over the years.
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My mentality is that I give as much time as I can give… and when I give my time, I try to do it in a way that will help millions of women, not just one individual (yes, this pink-drenched website gets over 5 million visitors in a year, so imagine the amount of questions I get…)
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So I mean, that’s the reality of it. If you think my way of handling things is “douche bag”-esque, just remember that I never charged anyone a dime for it.

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Samantha July 2, 2012, 12:46 am

Hi Eric,

Just wanted to say that this is a great site and I definitely appreciate everything you do for total strangers. I totally get that you don’t have time to give every single woman a couple paragraphs of advice about her individual situation. However, if someone has a particularly interesting question or if you see a lot of women with similar questions, I’d like to hope that you’d use those questions as ideas for new blog posts.

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Eric Charles July 2, 2012, 12:53 am

Yeah, I try my best to do that. I am tremendously grateful for everyone who posts comments and asks questions on here and on the forum. Tremendously.
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There are many times where I’ll see a similar question pop up a few times and it’ll spur me to write a post about it. I almost always read the short questions and comments.
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It’s the long ones that I can’t get through… tough to read and usually it’s 1% question and 99% unnecessary details that are intended to maintain the illusion that the situation isn’t what they fear it is… Pretty much the longest questions are from people who already know the answer, they just don’t want to face it.
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I say that with love though – I’m not trying to be a dick. But there’s some helpful truth to that statement (maybe not a truth we want to acknowledge, but it’s true…)

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Machine September 4, 2012, 9:47 am

Amen preacher man.

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Eric Charles September 4, 2012, 7:02 pm

Thanks.

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zesty June 19, 2012, 2:49 am

Hi Eric,
I am just coming out of the tunnel of despair after a break up four months ago and discovered this site a couple of days ago. I am so appreciating your insightful and articulate sharing. This writeup in particular really helped me turn a corner. Specifically, how you explained why a guy that loved you one day can seem to have gone cold the next. Also the narrow range of emotions in the shallow end of the pool between amused and content — so true!

My love was not articulate or even of average ability when it came to communication — except for in his song writing. Looking back I can see how little focus he has given to his personal growth, self awareness, and emotional intelligence. We were long distance and I felt we over relied on texting to the detriment of related voice to voice telephone communication. I think he took it wrong when I asked him to quit texting me cause next thing I knew he was dumping me by saying I loved him more than he did me. I was stunned and shocked, especially as this happened on Valentines Day about a week before he had a tour date in my town.

My driving motivation was to not have things end on a bad note. I wanted to see him and make peace and celebrate / honor the blessing of our connection. He refused. I’ve kept the lines of communication open these last four months by texting, emailing — never calling. He ignored me time after time. Just this last month he has responded back in a slow manner a couple of times, then this week we had a real time exchange via text, in which he said some very sweet, healing things about his feelings for me. Of course I immediately fell into hope that he might be coming back, then all my anguish came up, and now I feel I finally have gotten to the peace and closure I craved: he sent me a good note, now it can end that way — on a good note.

If you have any insights about this story, please share. Otherwise, I just wanted to give you a deep and hardy thanks for your writings and articulate insight.

In gratitude,
Zesty

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gizmotech June 18, 2012, 11:07 am

Yes, but at what point does he develop this “crippling neediness” to the extent that he fixes himself and at what point does he work out his issues? I have been split from my ex (fiance) for less than a month and he has already jumped into another relationship. As far as I can tell, that has been going on for at least a week and a half. I love him but I split with him because of those issues he has not dealt with. Neediness, manipulation, guilting me, picking ridiculous fights to try to control, never being satisfied with anything I did or how I showed love and affection. So, when will that happen? If he would do that, or would have already done that, we would still be together. I felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs when I found out he was already in another relationship. My only choice now is to work on my own issues, try to somehow put my heart back together and move on. I am very unsure at this point if I will ever truly trust anyone again. Seems he only wanted me to fill a void that ANY other willing woman can fill. Hurts a lot.

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Dani Mulvenna June 17, 2012, 8:38 pm

hey eric

my ex and i broke up brutal situation i had a *feeling* he and one of my “friends” liked each other. we broke up but she still made my life hell, got all of our friends against me, set up camp at where he and i would hang out, isolated and abused me

he and i were a good unit but not tough enough for this. i was getting depressed and had to go on sick leave from my job.

a few months after the breakup he is contacting me *begging* me to meet up, but my gut is telling me that it is to: see me but also to see if he can get closure and meet as friends, so that he would not feel so bad then going over to my “friend.”

he then started harassing me non-stop and she and her friends were harassing me as well (felt like high school bullying to be honest). would have been able to handle it if i was working and had my friends etc. but i was unemployed and like i said the other friends were already being dicks to me.

anyway both he and she were messing with me as best they could (her more than him).

tragically, in early november after he was text harassing me, i was so upset i got into a Very bad car accident. i have a head injury from it. as a result of the head injury a few months later i fell and got a Very serious leg fracture. it taking one year for me to walk again.

he came to the hospital after my leg fracture but, after being discharged i took a cab to his house and he instantly called the police on me, trying to make me look like a stalker (which i never was). the police arrived asked him to Speak to me and be compassionate. he did and it was ok. i left the next day (no funny stuff, i was very injured).

question is: do you think he feels bad about this? most of this situation was concocted by the “friend” of mine (known her 1/2 my life so she knew the buttons to push and some very traumatic stuff from the past etc).

he eventually contacted her asking her to “help” me (Him to her: “she is not eating or sleeping don’t know who to ask can you take her for walks and food she won’t speak to me she is angry with me); she instantly said “i have no idea what you’re talking about .. i heard she (meaning me) “lost it” on a few other friends, call me” (with her number); they even tried to plan an “intervention” to “help” me (this was all of course just an excuse to contact each other; neither attempted to actually help me At All).

So – i almost died and have a permanent head injury and Brutal leg injury as result from this hell situation. Do you think he feels bad?

You know they cannot hook up (she is still trying Super hard to, they are in touch on FB and both doing creepy attraction crap to each other on there).

Do you think he feels bad about what happened to me? I know she does not, I have had the misfortune of bumping into her a few times in the last few months and she subtly laughing at how terrible i am doing. my demise was her goal, *anything* to make me less attractive to him.

what do you think?

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Nina June 25, 2012, 6:40 pm

Wow, Dani

Can I just say that I am so sorry for what you went through. I am glad you were able to survive such hell but I am sorry you went through such a horrible accident. Their actions (both his and hers) infuriate and disgust me. How can people be so cruel!? At this point, I would not dwell on thinking about him or his feelings. He sounds like a horrible person and proved it with his actions. Wow, I’m still in shock. Horrible people, these two. Focus on yourself and healing. It will be hard to not think about him and any questions regarding the experience but I wouldn’t waste 1 millisecond of thought on this scumbag.

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carla March 1, 2013, 12:13 pm

stay away from them. all this negativity coming from them is just so bad for you. find new friends and never look back. focus on your life and getting things back together for yourself. none of them sounds like a decent human being-even the guy you love. it’s just not worth all that. as for the other woman, let her laugh and do her thing. people who live like that end up hurting themselves somehow. they may even find their way back to you when they do. PLEASE DO NOT FALL FOR THAT! good luck with everything. and stay away from them.

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Michelle May 28, 2012, 2:29 pm

My story is as follows: My ex and I met in High School, he contacts me again via Facebook after fifteen years, he’s in the Army and stationed in Korea at that time. We talk everyday, for hours, and he starts saying “I love you” and promising marriage almost right out the gate. We begin dating, then he leaves Korea to come back to the states….he avoids me for a week. We “get back together”, and spend almost all of his leave together, at which we are still talking about marriage, kids, and the “future”. He gets stationed in NY at Ft Drum, I go to see him in March, he breaks up with me via TEXT MESSAGE three days later. Everything is MY FAULT, he says I’m “irrational, unstable, rude, and inconsiderate”, all this happy horseshit…he never makes amends, never talks directly TO ME about any of this shit…now I’ve found out that he cheated on me and is now married to the girl he cheated on me with, less than two months after breaking up with me.

I know how to pick them.

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Machine September 4, 2012, 9:55 am

Well,anybody not desprate themselves,could see the guy was desprate.You don’t email old flames,unless the sea had dried up lol.Hence,they’re plenty of fish in the sea.If it’s too good to be true,it is.Always rember that hunny.True love doesn’t send you an email lol.This old flame,it’s obvious,never let you go lol.Well,he has let you go now.You should be happy.

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Tegan May 28, 2012, 6:24 am

Hi,
I’m really confused at the moment I’m 19 and have just finished my first year of Uni and suddenly my boyfriend of 2 and a half years became cold about 3 weeks ago and then dumped me on Friday. I was in complete shock, we’ve always been eachothers emotional support and I know long distance was hard on him but we were doing well just over a month ago. He was saying that he really loved me and that he wanted to marry me and that he missed me only like 5 weeks ago. But now he’s saying he doesn’t miss me nor care about me?! How could this happen do quickly, we always promised we’d be honest if we met someone else so I asked and he told me that that wasn’t the case he just felt that he didn’t care anymore. But when I suggested that we use summer to see if we could get it to work he pretty much panicked and said that if that was the case then it’d just be the same next Uni year… I asked him for a goodbye kiss (I expected a peck on the lips) but he gave me a tight hug and a proper kiss and I was trying to pull away but he held on tight?! What the hell is going on? He’s also been texting me more than he was the past 3 weeks… What should I do?

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julio July 10, 2012, 11:52 am

Hi Tegan. seems like this guy really cares about you but he is trying to speed up the break up process. And the only thing I can advise you to do is to end it with him in good term. The fact that you want to work things out with him over the summer is antagonizing for him since your practically making it sound like you are playing with his emotions. to make it simple, he sees it this way “if you cared to be with him, you would not let him be alone”. I am not saying your cruel but based on what you explained, that seems to be the case with him his point of view.

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Machine September 4, 2012, 10:00 am

What should you do lol….Finish college and move on with your life.You haven’t put in enough years in your life to recive an answer.Live longer and go through many more breakups please.You’re still a baby,grow up.Focus on your career and wake up.Well,life is hard,so get use to it.

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Samantha May 15, 2012, 10:20 pm

So, short question for you Eric, if you don’t mind. Things were seemingly going great with my guy, but then he broke up with me. A few months later, I sent him a brief, non-gushy “I’ve forgiven both of us” email, and then he lashed out at me worse than I ever thought he could. If the break-up affected him THAT much, then why’d he dump me in the first place? And do you think he’ll try to come back? And if he does try to come back, should I still trust him after he lashed out like that?

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carla March 1, 2013, 12:21 pm

no point in waiting around for him. it hurts but often we miss out on happiness because we’re too busy looking at the pile of sad that we want back so desperately. even if things were great and it happened out of nowhere, realize this: he dumped you. he was willing to take the chance to let something go meaning it wasn’t worth it to him to hold on. do yourself a favor and do the same. someone who just lets go for good does not see the value in you as worth it to keep. I wouldn’t trust him. his behavior sounds confusing though i have no idea what he even said. still, move on you’ll eventually be happy you did.

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Samantha March 1, 2013, 2:40 pm

Thanks for the advice, Carla. Point taken.

I’ve gotten a lot of mixed advice about this guy. Some people tell me to give up on him and move on because he “has problems” or “doesn’t know what he wants.” Others say that I should hold on because, if he truly likes me, he’ll come back eventually. On both sides, a lot say that he seems really scared.

I’ve gotten a lot of mixed messages from him. Sometimes he’s friendly/flirty and he often gets really shy around me. But, other times, he flips out and pushes me away (which is normally extremely out of character for him because he’s honestly one of the gentlest and most caring people I’ve ever met).

Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on, but my best guess is that he genuinely likes me but that he’s extremely scared of getting hurt. (He did tell me that he’s afraid of starting new relationships in case they end badly and I know he’s been hurt badly by women in the past.) Whether he ever manages to get through those fears or not, only time will tell.

For myself, I’ll always love him but he doesn’t control my life any more. If he comes back, then we could potentially have a really great relationship but, if he doesn’t, then I’m not going to chase him or wait for him.

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Missy May 15, 2012, 5:12 pm

Great article Eric, has given me pause for thought. I’m in a new relationship with a great guy & I believe we have both found what we are looking for in a partner. We’ve said as such, & he tells me so. I’m still a little gun shy from a breakup 2 yrs ago with a man that dumped me without hesitation for his toxic ex wife (& his lovely children)- we were dating 6 mths & he was divorced for 5 yrs. He admitted later she tricked him to break us up & it only lasted a few weeks, very nasty stuff. 2nd time she did that to him. We have remained friends of sorts. This experience has made me suspicious of my new man whenhe refers to his ex wife or ex girlfriends in any way, either a winge or an anecdote. He is straight up & very honest & I doubt I will lose him to his nostalgic emotions like the other boyfriend but it still lingers in the back of my mind. In your experience, do men pine for lost loves even if that woman was the worst thing that happened to him? Guess I’m looking for straight answers as well as security haha.

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Neika May 12, 2012, 8:47 pm

Was dating this guy for 5 months and things felt off for a few days out of the blue and he asked for a break to think and deal with stuff Im not clingy nor stay where i dont feel wanted so i granted his request i had refused to speak to him ect.. b/c i was giving him his space then couple days later he as a girlfriend except he’s still telling me he wanted me back i said no and held my ground weeks go by and he starts to get emotional and starts to show that he cares n wants me back so i take him back except things that he said would change didn’tm i was giving 80% i admit because i didnt wanna give my all againjust yet and then he leaves once more but he was only giving 50% if that much. Nothing changed i felt unwanted, single and unloved by him he just didnt seem serious about making it work so i broke up with him and he was saying how he loves me and stuff but i wasnt really trying to hear that so a day later he as a new girlfriend….. Im hurting and he seems ok… does he fit any of your catigory ?

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julio July 10, 2012, 12:04 pm

Yes he does. Seems like both of you have been careless of the relationship and have beaten the value of the relationship out of it. The right thing is to start fresh with someone else and have strong values you can honor in the relationship. He sound like he is hurt by certain things in the relationship. Let him be happy finding the right person in life while you do as well. One thing I learn after a relationship ends is to learn from the mistakes and value myself more as well as how to protect and cherish the new relationship and if my partner wants to break the rules I believe in then they careless to be with me.

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Machine September 4, 2012, 10:04 am

It’s obvious your fat living at the farm.You’re pulling my legg right?Just 5 months and you need an answer lol.Well,you don’t deserve an answer after,only, 5 months lol.Put in another few years tops lol.

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Eric Charles September 4, 2012, 7:01 pm

Easy now…

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SV April 25, 2012, 12:50 pm

Hi Eric,

I have recently gone through a really tough breakup. I was engaged to someone I loved dearly and who had been a good friend to me back in high school. We started dating my freshmen year of college and he proposed to me last year in April at the end of my sophomore year. My ex fiance broke off our engagement this past February (my last semester of my junior year). He has completely cut me off and it hurts to know the one person I trusted would do something like that. He’s told people that he “realized” he didn’t love me even though he cared about me. The night he broke off our engagement and called off our wedding (yes, we had set a date) he told me that he was confused, that we were so different and compared me to his friend’s girlfriends. I don’t understand how he completely changed like that. Someone told me that my ex fiance has gone back to being the “real” him that he use to be, the one who would party and drink. I loved him dearly and am going into my senior year now of college and soon to graduate school. How can he be so cold, like he doesn’t care at all about me or the fact that we were engaged and planning a wedding? He did say twice before (one being during the break up) that he was scared he would never meet someone who loved him as much as I did or cared about him the way I did. So, why did he have to do what he did? It just does not make sense. I am sad by the engagement break up and was wondering, is he really that happy with his decision and acting like we never mattered?

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perla April 24, 2012, 12:21 pm

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> Well here is my story. I was engaged and both madly inlove and planned to get married in december.
> From the begining i have noticed that his sister and brothers wife are very controling of henry my fiance.

> I never said anything about his sister but his brothers wife got on my last nerve, she would tell him what to do abd try to controle him infront of me.
> I always told him to put limits yo her coz things were getting out of hand and it was like i didnt exist.

> They would get very upset if my fiance didnt do wgat they want and they did not get that he was engaged and me and him were planning our future.

> We kept fighting together coz i wanted him to put limits to his brothers wife specially that i will be living in the same building with his sister and brothers wife. They were not only trying to controle him only they were trying to cobtrole me and they would get upset coz they couldnt.

> My parents and friends started opening my eyes that he has no personality abd how will ur life be with him.

> To cut the story short at the end he understood whats going on with his brothers wife and he promissed to put limits for her coz she was out of controle.

> The day he put limits on her it got out of controle and the whole familly got involved and i turned out to be the bad person and he left me.

> I tried to talk to him and fix things and even told him lets not get the familly involved at the end we love each other abd we will get married.
> He would agree and as soon as he is away from me he would get scared if they knew he is back with me. For 3 days same senario. Then he tells me to go tqlk to his sister and brothers wife and convince them and make them like me so me and him can be together.

> Im shocked and lost and i feel as i never knew him. He is 38 years old and iam 32. We r not kids.

> All the people i know r telling me to wake up abd he is not a man and life with him will be controled by his familly.

> He is scared for them to even feel that he might be talking to me again.

> He just left me like that im hurt and really shocked.

> I tried everything to get him back but now i will dissapear.

> Im really hoping he loves me like he showed me all this time and that he becomes a man and has personality to fight for our love. Coz honestly im tired of defending what he did infront of familly and friends coz im starting to feel they r right.

> Please im desperate give me ur advice.

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Ching April 22, 2012, 6:53 pm

Great article.
My ex told me he has moved on 2 weeks after we broke
He does seem to fall under any of the categories you mentioned…. or does he ?

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Andrea April 5, 2012, 1:04 am

The more that I read everyone’s comments on here its confirms the answer to my question even more. I have been in a relationship for 10 years and we have 3 children. We’re both 27 now and have been together since we were 17/18. I couldn’t even imagine how long it would take me to type out a question here that would turn into 50 questions. My point being we have had a great 10 years, there has been so many trials and tribulations its not even funny. Cheating, breakup’s, makeup’s the list goes on… I still to this day don’t understand the things my man does and says, the excuses he has and the shit he does and quite frankly if I sat here and wondered about it I wouldn’t be any closer to an answer as I was at the start of this comment. I’ve made a decision to leave him soon, I just need to sort out all of the small annoying things that go along with the end of a breakup. That by far will be the hardest thing I will ever do so far in my life. I don’t think its easy in any breakup but this time its not over any dramatic scene or drunken escapade. I’m doing it because I have finally realized after all these years that shit doesn’t change and neither will he . He like’s living the way he does – he’s become comfortable in every sense. How we fight, our make up style. Everything unique to our relationship he likes and so, he will never change. Our relationship unfortunately has turned me toxic…

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Tasia May 25, 2012, 11:06 pm

Your comment sounds so much like what I am going threw right now. I’ve felt so alone thinking that no one could possibly understand. The horendous fights, the way he conviently forgets, how comfortable he is with how things are. He is never going to change and I’ve reached my breaking point. Always before he is the one who says during a fight, I’m gone, I’m done, Its over. I have never said anything close to that, but now during quiet times when hes not around and I’m just thinking, I accept that it is time to let him go. Even though I know he’s going to jump right back into a relationship, and pray on my insecurities. Even though I am going to have to be the one do mourne the loss of us alone.

Thank You For Making Me Feel Less Alone.

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Jessica March 31, 2012, 8:53 pm

I broke up with my bf of 3 and a half months out of anger but it was not for no reason, I was a **** one weekend and that gave him doubts about our relationship, he ignored me all week only talked to me if I messaged him then he was short with me, I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing, finally he said he was having doubts about us but he expected me to wait 3 or 4 days to discuss them. I got so angry b/c i thought wow he doesnt care to fix our relationship or he wouldn’t be selfish and make me wait 3 or 4 days to talk so I dumped him via text message. I know that it was wrong of me to dump him by text, it was a long distance relationship and he clearly wasnt finding the time for me. I seen my bf at the time one day at week in which I drove an hour each way to see him and I always spent that 1 day a week hanging out with his friends, seriously who does that, it makes a girl feel great that the only alone time she can get is in a bedroom. Why are guys so selfish? Now I am the **** that dumped him and his best friend is saying nasty things about me. I just don’t get it. Did I actually hurt the guy that clearly only cared about what he wanted and didn’t even think about my feelings, the worst part is that I actually love the guy and I apologized but he doesn’t care. Now he is ignoring me and probably won’t ever speak to me again. Why are guys so immature and all about themselves? he seriously doesn’t think I don’t care god I cared more then anything and now a second chance can’t be given? some one please help me understand the mind of men.

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Jessica April 16, 2012, 12:21 am

Any thoughts on this one Eric? still trying to figure men out. I have not spoken to the ex in over a month.

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wow March 30, 2012, 8:28 pm

Thanks Eric for posting this up it’s made me realise that the things guys do may seem heartless but in reality there hurting to. It’s made me understand why he’s acted they way he has. We where more than friends/dating only for a little while but this guy left me the most confused. I will never really knew why it ended as only he knows the truth but it’s nice to know that going cold is common and now I realise why he did so as there was no point there was nothing left to say and it would only stir up emotions. Even when I found out there was more to it and texted him as a friend I heard nothing back. After reading your article I now understand he could of texted me something harsh but I think he generally cared about me so he said nothing. All the evidence over the past month has pointed to him feeling a loss on some level and caring for me on some level not to hurt me…well I hope lol. I will never really know if was because he wasn’t ready or wasn’t interested but at least after reading your article it’s opened my eyes to how guys deal with breakups and even though it may seem harsh or they ended it…it’s their way of getting over you. I need to tell my friends about this article thankyou :)

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Netty April 16, 2012, 8:28 am

Wow – wow is right! This article by Eric really opened my eyes and like you, Wow, I contacted the guy that I was dating until recently and got no reply. We dated semi-seriously for a little more than 7months and I had a personal pledge that I would only invest as much as he did, which I think helped when he decided to end things. Not that I didn’t care, I cared a lot about him and what we had shared. And afterwards, whilst hurt, I still cared and contacted him out of concern/friendship but heard nothing. This was confusing, hurtful and I’m glad I stumbled across Eric’s article to settle the confusion behind him ignoring me, it at least puts my mind at ease even if it isn’t the “real” reason for not replying. A great read & great to hear that you, Wow, now have a greater understanding of men’s behaviour, as I now do.

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Eric Charles April 16, 2012, 9:56 am

Thank you – glad you liked it.

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marina March 30, 2012, 12:08 am

How about a sociopath who you’ve known for six years, yet never met? few instances but it never worked out thankfully. We had a weird 7 month phone/text relationship and I told him off I’m done with the games, he goes you act like we’ve been talking for 6 years. Then raged then kept saying he doesn’t care.

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marina April 17, 2012, 7:08 pm

Eric could you help me? what’s wrong with him to do this? and what’s wrong with me to let him keep doing it for an extra 7 months. He kept flaking over and over while I started feeling sick, he said he promised that he’s gonna make it up to me so I said ok. the next day he ignores me all day, so that broke us up. and after he caused some drama he did admit that he hung out with two women that night and got drunk. and he was angry and yelling at me.Any advice please?

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Gaurav March 29, 2012, 11:37 am

It’s Amazing. Every word is true and courteous.
I am impressed, not just because I wrote a book illustrating a boy’s life after a breakup and teenage depression, but also because the way you understood the reality and wrote it.
It must have took you a lot of observation and discussion.
Great admiration for you man….

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Eric Charles March 29, 2012, 12:36 pm

Thanks a lot man… I appreciate that. Sounds like you could relate too. And yes, this was written through personal experience, observation of friends and hearing stories from men and women around the world.

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brokenhearted09 March 29, 2012, 1:05 am

i have more questions.. i seriously dont know what to do anymore.. i have a friend that was my classmate back in HS, we didnt have anything back then but after 2yrs of graduation,we started hanging out and started to have feelings for each other. he asked me out many times and finally on the 7th time he did,i said yes. i didnt wana go out with him but he was asking for a chance many times and told me i wont regret it coz he will make me happy. so i tried..we went out for 6 or 7months but maybe only5months we were happy. i end up getting pregnant, the moment i found out i was pregnant,he told me to calm down and was so supportive. i really didnt worry that much coz he was so nice and all. but after 2weeks maybe, he just bacame colder and colder each day.. he told me he isnt ready for a child.. who is ready for a child?! i wasnt too..and still am not.. i planned to do abortion in order to save our relationship but told me he cant be with me whatever i do coz he wants to be free and does not want to have a gf. he said he still has feelings for me..he is so caring and sweet sometimes but most of the time mean.. i just dont know what to think,to believe, and to do.

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Mustang123 March 28, 2012, 3:44 am

Eric,
Great article, but got a couple questions for you….
Recently I met a guy through friends and he invited me over for a BBQ with a bunch of our friends (lets call him brian). I then asked if “Dan” could come, who is my boyfriend, he said fine. Also, my boyfriend and I live together are no longer romantically involved due to some issues on his part.
Anyway, back to the BBQ. I then went and met this girl that had almost the same name, birthday a day apart, and tons of other things in common. We were bonding out of control, and she seemed really genuine. I overheard people calling her brian’s girlfriend, and I was like okay cool he has a girlfriend were on the same page! Now I don’t have to worry about awkwardness if he was hitting on me. I was even excited for them, because I really thought she was cool. She then left that night and somehow we ended up owning the ping pong table undefeated and were genuinely laughing and having a good time as team mates.
His girlfriend and I exchanged emails earlier so she could send her this funny video online and she signed it (Brian’s friend) I was then really confused and thought okay maybe they are just starting to date or something. I then saw him at a social gathering a couple days later and he was really flirty with me, and eventually told me and my friend that him and his gf had broken up due to a big age gap. He said that he wants a girlfriend and all, but isn’t ready for marriage which is more what she was looking for during that time in her life. Then the whole night he was flirting with me, and texted me a couple days later asking me what I was doing that night, and I just said I had homework because I did. He also asked me to come to his friends lake house in a month for a birthday, and I said “how many people are going, a lot?” and he said “yes” and I was like “okay cool I think dan would be okay with me going then if a bunch of people are going, he’s just never on the social scene anymore”. Brian knows who dan is and we ran into him a couple years ago when we first started dating. Then a couple days later at a friends birthday brian and I were playing pool and he went to get a beer and got stuck at the bar talking to my bitter jealous ex from 3 1/2 years ago who had seen us playing, and they talked for like 15 minutes which was weird…cause I swear they weren’t even friends.
At the same time this is going on..my boyfriend got off work early and came and gave me a quick kiss and stole my pitcher and chugged it and walked out to the patio to say hi to people. Brian then came back and said “so you go out with dan huh?” and I was like “yeah I thought you knew that”. After that brian was really distant and I felt like a horrible person, but to be honest it was all a big misunderstanding. I dunno how I could have made it more obvious without being rude. At that point I just felt horrible and didn’t have the guts to say anything, but we’ve still been hanging out with friends. There is just a really huge chemistry, and many many many things in common that I’ve never had in common with anyone. Finally found the first guy to consider my “type” even though I thought I never had one. Everything he says seems to match up with all of my interest and hobbies. This one night at the lake house everyone was really drunk and we were talking all night pretty much and towards the end of the night he hugged me and said I really like you, and i’m so glad I met you, and this past month and a half has been really fun hanging out with you. I just I dunno really like you. and then threw in the “you know as a friend of course”. I said “I like you too” it just kinda slipped out, and then I was like “i’m really glad were friends”.
The thing is i’m probably moving out of my place with my boyfriend in a month, and I’m pretty sure we’re gonna break up because I think we’ve just grown apart. I just don’t know what to do about this situation with Brian. Who would go after a girl that was so similar to his ex girlfriend only 10 years younger? Is that automatic rebound? There is just a really big attraction and all of my friends have been saying that they think we would be really good together. I really like him and could see something with him the timing is just really off and I don’t want to hurt feelings, or give another hit to his ego. Or come to find out that I was just a planned rebound. I just don’t want to get into a situation where things become awkward. I wanted to say something like..”listen brian your a really great guy, and really like your presence, I just have way too much respect for you to even be in the category of a rebound, can we be friends?” What would you do eric (sorry about the really long post, just kinda a lot of detail to this story)

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Vee March 25, 2012, 6:57 am

Hi Eric, thank you so much for this article – this is exactly what I needed. I just went through a break-up, with the guy doing it via e-mail. He was very very honest with me about his feelings, he said that he cared and loved me but he just has so many issues to deal with (almost all of which I knew about) and it wasn’t fair to me to go through those with him – he also apologized profusely and hoped that one day I would forgive him.

I had told him that I want to talk about it personally and he agreed because he wanted us to also talk about it personally but a week after telling me that, he hasn’t replied, so I’m guessing that talk will never happen. Am I right in thinking that? I know that he really is going through a lot, and understand that this has been so hard on him also as it has been for me. I’d like to think he is being a total ass, but based on the article maybe I should be thankful as he had been more out there with his feelings to me.

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Lily February 18, 2012, 9:26 pm

If a guy doesnt tell his friends we’re broken up but just tells them we’re having problems does that mean he’s not sure if he wants to stay broken up? Or is it that he doesn’t want his friend to know for sone other reason?

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Confused February 4, 2012, 1:07 pm

I’ve been through the ringer in terms of bad relationships, dating, chasing women and such over the past 12 years. After the last one played me heavily and turned out to be very manipulative I developed a crush on someone else but put it aside despite seeing obvious signs on the part of this involved older woman. Things such as changing her hair including color and style, she even used a really soft tone when we talked the last time two and a half months ago. Anyway so after that I recently met someone, asked her out but she recently went MIA for a week and I have no idea what is up with her? Should I just move on or is it worth waiting and giving her benefit of the doubt to explain?
I do not want to fall so to speak as what she does not know due to previous rejections I have stopped drinking and smoking, (the last drink ever was on Feb 14th 2007.) Hence why valentines day is more sensitive a time then usual.

I do not understand women at all and have had my heart torn to pieces several times, each time taking some me time to re-evaluate things and change such mentioned above. Do I just use honesty, sincerity and openness with this person? There are some things from my past I would really rather she not know about.

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Kate February 9, 2012, 8:35 am

Always be honest. One day you will meet the right woman who wont hurt you. Men and women are all the same really. x

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carla March 1, 2013, 12:25 pm

if a woman/man loves you there will be no giving of the benefit of the doubt. they want to be with you and it will be clear. think of yourself when you love someone. you are caring and attentive and not confusing to the other person at all. if they are not that way, then they are not interested or in love etc.

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Kate January 29, 2012, 5:08 pm

Eric..

I think my ex is the last guy you describe. I text him saying how much I still love him and wish it had been different and how much i miss him: no response. We met up and it overwhelmed me so much how in love with him i still am i ended up crying about it. i told him i dont want to be with him because i know where he is at in his life emotionally and mentally wouldnt make me happy etc (he couldn’t commit to me properly and sort out his clingy ex girlfriend)… but at the same time I cant bear the thought of him moving on.

I am still hopeful when he sorts himself out and i sort myself out we could still be as special as we were when we met… but all he said was ‘I still care about you, but I can’t deal with all the emotional stuff and spilling myself out… I have repressed it all… I want all the cliche stuff i want to be friends and have you in my life but I just cant deal with all that emotion and things… ‘.
I am so confused.
We were together for about 10 months. It was so amazing. And it fitted. But it was so the wrong time.
I want there to be hope.
I don’t know from what he said if there is…

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Kate January 29, 2012, 5:10 pm

(he dumped me by the way… when his friends all kind of turned against me/us… and well yeah I just dont know now if what he says means there is any hope for a future with us…)

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mels January 26, 2012, 2:31 am

When my ex and I broke up, he threw everything away. When I say everything I mean EVERYTHING!! All of the pictures, dishes, sheets, decorations and so on. Not to mention everything that was mine that I forget in the apartment. I feel like he threw me away. Like I am trash to him.

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Michael April 17, 2012, 3:24 pm

@ Mells. You said that your ex threw everything away related to you when you broke up; I understand perfectly why he did; and you should too.. Me and my ex girfriend broke up 4 years ago; I broke it; she couldn’t live with my past; and I hated myself for it; so to be free I left her. I also got rid of everything she ever gave me; gifts; works of art she made herself; letters; stories and poems and so forth. The reason I did it; was becasue I was hurt; so much that I couldn’t keep anything that reminds me of her; it was too painful. Even though I got rid of everything; it didn’t help. I am 23 years old today; broke up with her at 19; it feels like yesterday. I know I shouldn’t be with her; had all these dreams of us together forever. Sometimes we hurt because our dreams are shattered. But life goes on; the will rise again tomorrow on new opportunities; new horizons.

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Ampi Roldan November 23, 2011, 12:24 pm

oh my… I feel so bad for my ex now! I made him lose his friends :( I am a bitch.

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Eric Charles November 23, 2011, 3:22 pm

You’re not – a “bitch” wouldn’t think she’s a bitch. She would just continue on mindlessly on her path of destruction.
.
You care and if you could change things, you would. But you can’t – you can only learn for the future.

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Melissa October 22, 2011, 2:32 am

There is a guy that I like A LOT like I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him. We were pretty good friends last year and I am positive he liked me. He always stared me or told me things that were cute and flirty. But summer hit and we didn’t talk more than once. And now that school has started we pretty much ignore each other except at lunch but I have to wave or say hi first. I don’t know what to do anymore because I can’t get over him but I think I should… What should I do?

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Confused February 4, 2012, 1:11 pm

Ask yourself if you still feel the same about him? I think the two of you should talk, discuss the situation on one level or another. I was in a similar situation but it turned out this girl made some things quite clear such as she was ignoring me as a means of moving on.

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molls August 19, 2011, 8:00 am

ok me and my exboyfirend were dating for 3 months and i knew him for four. things were good until the last months we had small fights, he broke up with me and after a month of breaking up he is now friends again with his ex girlfriend before me. when we were dating a made him delete her and now that were broken up he has her on facebook. why would he add he because when we were dating he said he was over her and that she was crazy and he wouldnt go back to her. i know i shouldnt care but i do, im trying my best to get over this guy i dont have him on facebook but when we were dating he said i was the best thing in his life, that he would never dump me, etc… and oh yah a friend told me he had made an account on pof and talking to girls on it and adding them on facebook.

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blessing July 28, 2011, 3:06 am

How do u make a relationship work that is not build on trust ?

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Confused February 4, 2012, 1:13 pm

Based on my experience if there is no trust in a relationship it will most likely not last. Both people involved need to be comfortable around each other otherwise neither of you can grow as people.

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Axle July 24, 2011, 9:01 pm

After a holiday , i thought i would go back to this girl ive falln for 3 months ago… But she never did.. She said the feelings have changed.. Although she kept on txting me how much she misses me and how amazing everything was back thn

Left with 2 options:
Its either i could just let things go and wsh for her happiness
Or i could fight for it

Im on the fighting stage part … Was it justified?

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Adeana December 12, 2011, 11:05 pm

@Axle If u really wanted something or someone you would work for , show her that you are into to her and that you care etc. At the end it would worth it!!!

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Brianna July 19, 2011, 11:28 am

Eric, my boyfriend broke up with me at the end of this past april and about a week later started hanging around this other girl. I recently found out that he has lied to me on numerous occasions about hooking up with other girls and has continued up until now to still sleep with me. I didnt want to have him completely removed from my life because i still have feelings for him and i didnt want there to be bad blood between us so I allowed it to keep happening. I have made it known that he’s hurt me and he has yet to apologize or even acknowledge the fact that I exist. He has said mean things to our mutual friends and I dont understand it because HE was the one who broke my heart yet I’m the one being treated badly. I keep contacting him, which I know I shouldnt because I want to give him his time to himself but I miss him so sometimes I cave and text or call him. I want to try and give him time to miss me, (do you think he will miss me enough at some point to try and talk to me?) and I want us to be friends or at least civil with one another, but how long do you think I should wait to try and have a good relationship with him? or should I wait for him to contact me(even though I dont think he will)? and also do you think theres a chance that he would ever want to possibly get back together?

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Adeana December 12, 2011, 11:11 pm

IGNORE him is the best thing to do!!! Delete his # and u will get over it before u even know . then he will realize one day when them same girls hes chasing after stop checking for him , he would run back to u and that when he will realize what he had have gone . i always quote never take a good woman for granted.

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Julie Linnehan July 6, 2011, 12:51 am

I met this guy and we immediately hit it off. He slept at my house almost every night and we would literally talk for hours upon hours laying down next to each other (It was never about sex). I wasn’t working at the time and he can use his phone at work so we would text for the entire time he wasn’t at my house. We both told each other we loved each other after a month. He would send me songs and get me cards…etc. He is 7 years younger than I am and told me that he has gotten burned terribly in the past and doesn’t open up to anyone, not even his friends or family. He told me that I was the only person in his life that he ever opened up to like that and I know him better than anyone. Total time we dated was almost 3 months…He worked so much and I felt like I never saw him so one night I jumped the gun and broke up with him..he said that I was all he thinks about 24-7 and loves me.. I texted him the next day and said I made a mistake and he said that he didn’t want to be strung along and I obviously have doubts. I texted him once after that and got no response. I waited a week and called him and told him I was sorry. He said he was mad and hurt that’s why he didn’t respond…he told me he missed me and that he never wanted to break up and I broke his heart and came straight to my house (we didn’t have sex) Over the next few days I could tell he was acting different, (wasn’t texting as much but still texting I love you too!!!) He didn’t come over at all…I finally sent him a text and said I am kind of confused..not sure if your ignoring me..if your all set just tell me. He never responded, I never texted him again. A week later I sent him this really nice email saying that I did love him and wish him only the best. I said even though my feelings were hurt that he didn’t explain or tell me anything, that he’s a good person and he was what I needed at the time.. That was 3 weeks ago.. he never responded. I never contacted him after that and won’t…but I am so in the dark here it’s not even funny. Oh, my favorite part is that he told me he would never just stop talking to me, he’s not an asshole and would tell me (I said that I’ve done that in the past) And please understand I am the most un-needy person there is, I never clinged to him or blew up his phone or anything crazy. How the hell can you just not talk to someone ever again.. unless it was not serious…

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sdas January 25, 2012, 3:46 pm

Peoplle do crap and act weird all the time.. Move on! It’s really heartbreaking to read your story though!

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dee2cute June 26, 2011, 9:50 pm

I’ve been in a relationship for seven years and when I say hey lets take it farther he wants to play hide go seek now this is a man with three different baby mother’s. And I trusted until now he don’t responsed to my text or calls unless its about sex now and I’m like wow really he chased me down and begged me to be with him what is going on. Somebody explain this to me.

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Confused February 4, 2012, 1:19 pm

Sounds like this person is not thinking with his heart but rather ego, not all guys are happy if we finally get what we are after. Not all of us are like this though, there are good guys out there.

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J&J June 5, 2011, 12:07 pm

I was in a 3.5 year relationship with this guy. Broke up couple times and the pass one year we were in a long distances relationship and things went rocky because I couldn’t trust him. He broke it off with me, I think I was because of our arguments and me being a bit pushy. I went crazy begging him, apologizing and threatening him. Slowly he started to act cold towards me, asking me to move on, has no feelings for me, and that he only see us nothing but friends. Before we broke up he been already talking to this female friend of his and right after we broke up he was talking to her alot. A week later I asked him for another chances and he said sorry and that he’s starting to like this girl. Through the relationship I committed so much to him and I don’t know how he just move on so fast. Couple days ago he posted a picture album just for them on Facebook (which he never did for us) and stated them together in a relationship. When we was together I had to make him post a picture of us on facebook but now he’s willingly doing it for this girl and knowing that we are friends on facebook and it was like all over my wall on facebook and in my face. I was wondering could he be serious about the girl? Or is she just a rebound? Because I feel like he’s so sweet towards her. He would bring her home and take her out and communicate alot. He’s not the type of guy that hops in bed quick. I just wondering if he’s doing all this on purpose so I can move on? Because when we broke up he said I deserve better and he’s nothing and he likes to struggle through life and don’t want me to because he knows I’ll be successful with out him. I’d to know how would you guys describe this kind of break up for him?

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tt May 1, 2011, 2:42 pm

I was with the guy for 3yrs. There is an 8year age different. (I’m older than he). For the most part we had an ok relationship. We maybe broke up 3 times and gotten back together within 2weeks. There was a big misunderstanding and I thought he was cheating. His cousin gf came to our house. He got dressed and went and sat in the car with her. I went outside and didn’t see his cousin i the car with them and I automatic thought he had something going on with this chic. Not to mention I have never seen her just hear him say that was his cousin gf. I had just had an medical abortion the day bf and my hormones was all messed up. I freaked out and called the police and had him removed from my house. He was hurt. Days later he said he was not messing around with her and that he had loaned her money the week before and that she came to pay him his money back. He said he didn’t tell me what was going on because he didn’t want to hear my mouth about him loaning her the money. Now he was sitting in the car leaning towards her for about thirty minutes. It doesn’t take 2seconds to pass someone money. She could of passed it thru the window. It’s been three weeks since the breakup. the first couple days we texted eachother. He said I really hurt him this time and also told me he wanted me to keep the baby. Now he gave me half on the procedure. I asked him why didn’t he say something and why did he even give me half. The first week week we talked on and off even texed. He called me several times one night and I didn’t answer. The second week he got a new phone and didn’t share the number with me. He called me from his hotel phone telling me how happy he was and that he didn’t need a woman to get over me. i got his new number and called and texed him and he just hung up in my face. Later that night i waited outside his hotel until he got home and ask if we could talk. He said we didn’t have anything to talk about and that I should move on with my life. That was on a Thursday night. The following Monday, he calls and tell me he woke up with me on his mind and he misses me and wanted to have sex. He later called back and said he was sorry for calling me he just had a weak moment. He called again two days after that discussing his friends to me, saying he keeps thinkin about me and asked if we could have sex. Iasked if he had any condoms and he said that’s ok because he’s not sleeping with anyone else and that he was tying to get over me so we didn’t need to have sex. He called on Friday and I didn’t answer the phone because I felt he was trying to play mind games. So on Saturaday, I get another call from his hotel room and ignore it as well. I was fed up. He tells me to move on with my lif but he still calling me and also he got a new number and didn’t give it to me so I can’t call him. I wanted to settle this with him face to face. I drove to his hotel. I knocked on his door and walked off. he peeped out the door and I walked back in his direction and asked him why he keeps calling me and at that point a girl comes out of his room. he denies calling so I asked him how the incoming calls from his room get on my caller id. The girl asked him to let her out the room but he didn’t. He pushed her back in the door and I told her he just called me. I asked her wht time did she get there and he yelled out she been here all day. I didn’t feel any pain from seeing her because she’s not as pretty as I and she looked like a ditry slut. It was sort of a relief . His friend drove up and I told him what was going on and he said my ex is stupid and that we going to get back together. I told him I can’t see it in my future. I told my ex I accept it being over just stop calling me trying to play games so I can move forward. I wondered if my ex was trying to make me jealous by letting me see the girl. When I seen her I laughed to myself. I think he’s so hurt and is slepping with the first piece he can find. I forgive him and will always love him. I will be here for him as a friend but that’s as far as it goes. I know the girl doesn’t mean anything to him because he had her at a ragady motel. No man could ever take me to a place like that.

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marissa lopez April 26, 2011, 8:57 pm

I’m a mother of 2 and my boyfriend/baby daddy broke up with me today we have been together for a year and a half, we were so in love with each other and idk what went wrong..I love him so much he means a lot to me. He pays for my phone bill and he had disconnected it but then I reconnected it to call him and try to talk to him he didn’t disconnect it after that but he rejects my calls and when I text him he textes me back but he’s saying things that are mean if he didn’t care he wouldn’t txt me backk right? But then on facebook I noticed that he right away changed his status to single and onn top of that he deleted me and earased some photos of the two of us.. he says its over for good but b4 when we were together he told me that he’s never felt so much love for a girl till he loved me.. he treats me bad sometimes like always yelling at me, making me cry and calling me names.. I forgive all those things he does becauze I love him but does he really mean when he says its over for good or he just says things that he doesn’t mean?

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Sxl007 April 13, 2011, 1:28 am

Btw i failed to mention…i called him “mylife” because he was previously calling girls that on his page…and so i did it sarcastically. which is why he put up the childish status…he also text me saying those were close friends.
anyway he is 24, about to be 25. I erased everything from him. But i would really like him back. I just want to know if I should forget him or will he come back.
Thank you veyr much Eric & I will stay posted with all your great advice!!

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Sxl007 April 13, 2011, 1:25 am

Dear Eric,
I wish I would have found your site a little sooner.
I went on 2 amazing over the top dates with this guy. He ( a week later) drove an hour away to spend 4hours with me before going to work. We texted, called 5-10times a day to each other (both ways). Then one day he ended it via text. I didnt reply & come midnight that night he called said he was sorry & wished he hadnt done it. Days later I asked “are we talking again” his response was “idk”. That evening I put a fb status “about partying” which he commented to with a joke & I commented back saying “”my life” i’m single & having fun”. He then put up a childish status saying “to answer your question we are not talking haha.” I text him to deleted it and i was hurt and having a panic attack..etc. he ended up deleting the stauts, blocking me. Then sent me a text saying “eraseme, your genuienly an amazing good girl & i hope you find that someone special that deserves you.”. i waited 2 days til i text him saying “we both acted immature, i erased my fb & now im going to erase your number. i didnt want things to be this way. i hope one day we can be friends, if we ever want something serious call me.” its been a day, i havent heard from him. ERIC will I hear from him? Or do I move on?

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Taylor Swift April 2, 2011, 7:41 pm

My friend told me about this website after a really hard breakup that I went through and I was totally in the blue. I asked her do you think the breakup was hard on him? And that’s when she introduced me to this website. I am so glad I found this article because it changed my feelings about the breakup completely. Instead of being sad all the time and feeling like I was the only who was broken I knew it must have been hard for him too. So I stopped by his house and talked about it and we decided that even though our relationship as “girlfriend” “boyfriend” didn’t work out we could still be close friends. Now everything seems so much better and I am really happy everything worked out. I even got a new song out of it.

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aileen March 20, 2011, 8:02 am

two year relationship. when a man says “walk out that door, don’t plan on ever coming back”. does he really mean it?

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Chrissy21 February 20, 2011, 1:58 am

So I met this guy and he pretty much came straight out and said no strings attached, and I respected that. Then I eventually started to like him after he took me out two week straight literally and we were together literally from dusk to dawn, and when we weren’t together we were talking. He would call/ text me to say good morning before work or before I would wake up and would be waiting outside my job when I got off to surprise me. I never told him I had feelings because he said no strings attached, and the third week we hung out, he turned 21 and completely changed. He goes out drinking every night and talks to me whenever he wants to. He just completely pushed me away, and try to come back. I’m still stuck on the guy who treated me nice, not the new 21 year old. What should I do?

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Lara February 16, 2011, 10:20 am

thank you Eric, a very interesting read and actually now some things I really didn’t understand about a past break-up suddenly make sense. A couple of years back I and my now-ex had a break up because my visa ended and none of us was ready to follow the other one to another continent for good. My ex terminated the relationship 2 weeks BEFORE I left the country,in order to start a relationship with another girl right away, although I was then allegedly still ‘the one’ for him. He impregnated the new girlfriend within 6 weeks and was then still hitting on me a couple of months later, when he was over in Europe for a visit – not telling me about the pregnancy. I should add that the two are now married with a kid – and happy, I guess. Seems like being one’s rebound can actually have a happy ending ;-)

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LilyXX January 31, 2011, 11:27 pm

Hey Eric,
I’m 19 year old student and in a relationship with a 20 year guy who I’ve been going out with (this time) for about 4 months. He’s the first guy I’ve ever gone out, so when we first started out (it was only for two months), when he eventually ‘out of the blue’ decided to end it i was devastrated. I know it seems like i should have known he was feeling that way but I didnt, and for a few months afters I was still not over him breaking up with me. We are in the same degree at university, so it was really hard seeing him happy everyday and enjoying life with other people. After 3 months of not much contact, mostly because i just couldn’t stand seeing him, he asked me if i wanted to get back together. Me, delighted i suppose that he still wanted me? said yes. I know a lot of people will think me a immature teenager and I suppose to some degree I am still and I certainly am inexperienced when it comes to guys. But i’m just really confused about this ‘thing’ I have with this guy.

Though I love being back with him, and really enjoy spending time with him, sometimes I think i havent really forgiven him for dumping me that first time. He has several close girl friends who he always hangs out with, and the thing which annoys me the most I suppose is that when he dumped me, he always had them to go back to. Just I dont know, i love being with him but maybe still resent him a little, i suppose i just not mature enough or something??? I don’t want to break up with him just want to know how i stand with him and i suppose need advice on how to move on from the resentment and bad memories

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Adrian January 24, 2011, 3:14 am

Hi Eric,

So I dated this guys on and off three times now in two years. The first breakup was completely his fault and the two times after that were residues I couldn’t let go off since the first. He’s asked me back out both times. This breakup, I guess I realized what I’ve done and wish to do it right, but he seems to be trying really hard to move on like burning my letters and having with harsh updates. I just wanted to know is it fair or selfish for me to ask him for another chance at the relationship or should I just let him be? Thanks.

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sara January 6, 2011, 11:39 am

Hi Eric,

I really found this helpful! It explains alot about most of the guys I met and why they reacted the way they did when I met em. I guess guys are sensitive in a way : )

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Tuna November 17, 2010, 7:38 am

@Eric, As I was reading this, I can’t stop thinking about the way a ex-boyfriend, ex-bestfriend treated me (we used to be together years ago, but ended on friendly terms. and now we’re hitting each other up again). One moment he was love sick and always sending me texts, emails, etc saying he misses me or leaving funny pick-me-up jokes for me. and then kabaamm! out of nowhere, he cuts off all communications with me for over a week and then tells me we need to talk. then he says he wants to spend some time trying to find his identity and focus on school…but that’s not the perplexing part. the perplexing part is that when he ended things, he told me he still wanted to talk to me later on and that we should keep things limited to fricking facebook. Then he goes and ignores me for months, not even bothering to respond to my funny comments or stuff. wth is wrong with him? is this normal behavior for men? i mean seriously!! or am i just some needy emotional girl? lol

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ladysteel August 19, 2010, 9:30 am

How will I know weither your guy feels lonely after he made the move to break up. Does he also feel regrets for what had happen?

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Eric Charles July 26, 2010, 7:59 pm

Hey Fes,

Thanks man, I appreciate it. Believe me, I was every one of the “guys” described in this post at one point or another… in the worst way at times too. I would do a lot of things differently if I could go back and change the past, but it is what it is. Frankly I’m just glad that I can see it for what it was and I’m a lot more grounded because of it.

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Fes July 26, 2010, 6:16 pm

Great article even for guys to understand and put things together. I was actually one of the guys you mentioned after a long relationship.. wouldnt have written it any different

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L May 16, 2010, 1:14 pm

So then how do you help a guy realise he has these issues that he needs to actually deal with…on his own as a single person and to stop just avoid dealing with them or taking responsibility for himself by going from one girl to the next?

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Rose May 2, 2010, 2:33 pm

Thanks a bunch :)
I’m really enjoying your articles.
Greetings from Holland!

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Eric Charles May 2, 2010, 2:28 pm

Hey Rose,

It depends how much he’s worked it out in his head and truly addressed it. I know if it were me, two months would not be enough time. I also know that I would think that it was enough time and I was over it… only to figure out down the line that I wasn’t…

Check this out: How to NOT Be a Rebound Relationship

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Rose May 1, 2010, 4:29 pm

Okay, so I have a question about this:
What if I’m getting involved with this guy, who’s acting really flirty towards me, but his 3yr lasting relationship just ended two months ago? Would two months be long enough to ‘get over his ex’? He told me he mourned for her and was very sad about this break up. Should it be a red flag for me that he still seems to have these sad feelings about her?

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Eric Charles February 20, 2010, 11:03 am

LOL. Looks like I hit a raw nerve for you.

Don’t worry, buddy, you’ll get over it. Every guy gets “crapped all over” sometimes by a girl.

But you’re acting like a straight-up “hater”. I don’t have to point out how pathetic that is… Personally, if I don’t like something or agree with something, I just move on.

I always appreciate comments, but you’re not a commenter. You’re a guy with bitterness and hurt feelings about your own relationship stuff and you’re coming here and taking it out on me.

Get over your own crap. Leave me out of it.

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Troy February 20, 2010, 9:54 am

Not much of a decode Eric. This was written almost the way a girl would look at the issue. Are you really a girl?
“But what about the guy that immediately gets into a new relationship right afterward?

This is a no-brainer – a guy does this because he doesn’t want to be alone and he doesn’t want to “deal with himself.”
What utter nonsense. Did you actually say something here? Because I can’t find it. Maybe the guy does that because the emotional female crapped all over him? You’re looking at this from an entirely female point of view.

Check your pants, see if there’s a penis down there…

Just saying

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True Love December 14, 2009, 6:37 pm

Few good point here and there but overall every guy is different and relationships and reasons to get out of them are different too for people involved. So because of that the way guys deal with breakups could be totally different, some guys want to hit a brick wall , some want to hit on another girl etc.

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Sabrina Alexis December 8, 2009, 3:51 pm

Great job with this, Eric! I wish there had been someone decoding male behavior a few years ago when I could have used this!

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Ching August 7, 2012, 10:43 pm

I have begged and pleaded him for 6 months via emails mainly. Yes I know I have stomped on my self esteem.

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