Decoding Male Behavior: Why Do Men Lie? post image

Decoding Male Behavior: Why Do Men Lie?

It’s time to have a frank discussion about lying and deceit. I see a lot of fears floating around in the the dating world and it can be disheartening.

In order to have a truly fulfilling relationship (or even start a healthy relationship) with a great guy, you need to come from a place of strength, confidence, and fulfillment.

Whenever a relationship goes sour (or fails to launch), it’s almost always caused by some tiny fear, doubt, worry or insecurity that grows and festers until you feel overwhelmed by the whole ordeal.

And what happens?  Your fears and worries compel you to confirm whether they’re real or imaginary.  You stop enjoying the relationship for what it is and start craving validation and confirmation that it’s “the real deal.”

And there’s only one thing that manifests from that place… neediness.

QUIZ: Are You Accidentally Destroying Your Love Life?

These days, people are quick to  throw the concept of neediness around without actually looking at what it is. I’ve had some of my female readers complain that the term neediness makes it sound like I’m framing women as weak, fragile, insecure creatures that just cling to men (and stress them out).

Nothing could be further from the truth.  I think women bring a tremendous strength and power to the table in relationships… when they have access to it and are free of their own fears.

Men and women have fears. Those fears are greater now more than ever really since there’s an entire industry devoted to making sure men and women are wrought with insecurities so they buy products (sowing in and agitating tiny insecurities is the bread and butter of the marketing world).

A major fear is being lied to deceived which brings me to the main question of this article: Why do men lie?

Here are a few potential reasons:

  • They don’t want to hurt your feelings.  And if you’ve shown yourself to be a girl who gets upset and dramatic when he tells you the truth, you’re essentially training him to say what you want to hear to keep the peace.  At best, it’s sugarcoating or avoiding a volatile subject.  At worst, it’s a straight up lie to avoid drama and waterworks.Weak?  Cowardly?  Sure, but men live in the mindset of wins and losses, victories and defeats.  What’s the upside to being honest if it simply leads to a more difficult life with no perceived upside.  Which brings me to the next point…
  • They don’t want the drama.  Like I was saying, if not telling the truth is harmless enough and being honest will just cause drama, heartache and grief for both parties, why would a man want to do it?  I’m not advocating the behavior and I hold honesty as a high virtue for myself, but part of looking at this requires us to be honest about human nature:  Humans (men and women) want to make life easier for ourselves, not harder.  And that’s not the case if there’s…
  • No perceived upside.  If you want the truth and honesty, find a way to reward that behavior, not punish it by putting him through hell.
  • They want to impress you and/or they don’t feel like “enough” without lying or putting up a front.  From one angle, you could almost look at this one as a compliment: the guy is trying to impress you because he doesn’t feel “good enough” to get you on his own.  It’s not a compliment though – it’s not only insecure behavior, but it also doesn’t allow for a real foundation to be built for a relationship.  For a guy to be honest with you, he has to be secure enough in himself to know that you’ll still want him if he’s “real” with you.

OK, now I want to step back because I can imagine that my points may have enraged certain readers, who are ready to comment with things like, “Why should we have to reward his dumb ass for not lying?”  And “why shouldn’t we put him through hell if the truth is that he’s an jerk?”

QUIZ: Are You In A Toxic Relationship?

Easy there – let me put it to you like this.

First, this isn’t a male-female thing.  I’m talking about human nature – no one gender is more or less habitually a “liar”.

You know all sorts of women who lie to their female friends on occasion… you may or may not have done it yourself.

To call up one common scenario, think… (continued – Click to keep reading Decoding Male Behavior: Why Do Men Lie?)

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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I think you should do when in high school is to really focus on what you want if you have no idea what you want to do if you’re under that’s perfectly fine try to show interest in something

Reply April 15, 2021, 7:26 am


It’s hard to say

Reply October 25, 2020, 12:54 pm


I agree with you

Reply October 23, 2020, 5:01 pm


if your boyfriend thinks your liying about being sick and he wants you to drive to come see him anyway. Is this right of him?

Reply January 21, 2020, 3:12 am


I have a man that has totally turned into a liar about ridiculous things even. And if he lies about the small stuff I say to him how can I ever believe you about the important stuff ? My comment…As a woman.. Im not taking on the blame for his allying…no way. And I can’t accept the ” accidently being the cause”! When I askand it can be about anything. He starts to yell…a sure sign he s upset and guilty. Otherwise why the need to yell and swear ?? He s told me this very same thing about situations with other people. His words of wisdom contradict everything he s about. It s time to man up….lying is for kids and I for one am sick of this behavior. Why can he explain other people but at the same time be so blind to what he’s giving away about himself.? And he s great at playing the martyer. Next he complimented me and thanks me for keeping him in line ? He s a whole lot of drama all by himself.

Reply June 17, 2019, 11:55 am


You are absolutely right about everything you said in the article. However, many men straight up lie even when his girlfriend does NOT deliver drama from having received the truth. Even this article has stereotyped from past experiences… which is why, even coming into potentially healthy relationships, some children lie without even trying. That is not something to make excuse-filled articles about, and no amount of ratonalization can justify lying on either ends.

Reply December 28, 2018, 7:29 pm


I think this advise could be potentially dangerous in that it might convince women to ignore bad feelings they have and tell themselves “he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings.” There are a heck of a lot of men out there who are pathological liars, are married and are committing love fraud. A man who lies doesn’t respect the woman and if she stays with someone who doesn’t respect her she could be setting herself to be used and abused.

Reply February 10, 2018, 12:44 pm


How can anyone hurt another human being like this.

Reply December 12, 2017, 12:56 am


As a guy, I would agree with you but coming from a gay man who dated other men, your reasons for lying are like another man lying about the reasons he’s lying. To not hurt their feelings? To avoid conflict & drama? Yeah those things may be true to why he might lie but don’t you think there’s more drama when the truth finally comes out? The truth will eventually come out and it hurts more to know that you’ve been lying. Yeah of course it hurts to know the truth up front but it’s worse to continue to lie and lie and lie because in the end it’s worse knowing you didn’t give them the truth. Trust me it saves both parties a hell of a lot of heartache to just not lie in general. Or don’t put yourself into positions where you have to lie!

Reply September 30, 2017, 1:04 am


The lies u talk about in your article are not what breaks up a relationship. A man who promises certain behavior that his partner also promises i.e. like keeping intimate things private and then talks about their lovemaking adventures with someone else was lying when he agreed to keep things private but never intended to. Lying underminds any relationship and calling one out when it is discovered is their consequence for lying and the liar deserves having someone being upset about it.

If u catch your friend or lover in one lie…be assured it is just the tip of the iceberg and u need to dump this person ASAP. How can u trust someone who lies? Trust is the foundation of all relationships. Today’s attitude of everyone lies so just get over it, as your article implies and do not make a fuss about it, is just plain wrong!

The liar is wrong and that is just unacceptable behavior, so go find someone who is trustworthy.

When u lie to someone, u are really saying that person is not worth the truth ! A despicable and disrepectful behavior that no one deserves, especially a person who u have been intimate with.

Reply August 8, 2017, 12:10 am


@ Rita/ I agree with you. We are making excuses to accept bad behavior and to accept being treated poorly. A man lying to a woman he is involved with especially when it is an intimate relationship says one thing. She is not a priority to him. Just an option. She is being used. It has nothing to do with his fears. It has to do with his pure lack of moral ethics (selfishness) on how to treat a woman. You find him in a lie, yes, it is just the tip of the iceberg like Rita says. Speak up and eradicate this toxin from your life. Stand strong in not excepting less than what you know you deserve. Some men are quick to call a woman’s emotional response to something he has said or done that hurt her as drama. Regardless if she expresses herself in a controlled manner. It is still drama to them. Bottom line is those kind of men have no regards to women’s feelings, they believe they can say things and act as they want and the woman should demonstrate understanding or keep her emotions to herself.
Liar, face the consequences for your actions. Women, speak up however you do it , and if he disappears, then you know what to do. If he apologies (sincerely), use your womanly God given intuition.

Reply January 28, 2018, 11:10 am


Not That Long Ago, I Found Out That The Person I Was Seeing Three Years Ago, Lied About Having A Girlfriend. A Pregnant One! He Played Games, Much Like Hide & Seek He Told Me He Didn’t Have Anyone. On Top Of That He Would Ignore Me. Wouldn’t Respond To Messages, Or Calls. I Stood By Foolishly, For Two Years. I’m Not The Type To Play Around. I Was Good On My Side. Him? Not At All! I Found Him, His Wife I Assume? On Facebook. I Want To Tell Her The Truth. I Feel Gulity. She Deserves To Know. She Was Carrying His Child.. While We Were Intimate. I Feel Betrayed, Played. But She’ll Suffer More. I Feel Bad For Her More. Why Couldn’t He Tell Me? I Wasted My Time, My Energy For Someone Not Worthy. Someone Who Is Selfish, Cruel. I Could Have Met Someone Worthy, I Could Have Been Somewhere Else, Sucessful, Content..

Reply July 6, 2017, 10:02 pm


Let him go your wasting your time

Reply June 19, 2017, 11:21 pm


He has been knowing this woman for 30 years in Atlanta where he lived 6 years. He came to Birmingham to take care of his aunt she died last oct. I helped him with his aunt. That’s how I meet him . We denigrating for six years.this friend of his who is a nurse .He has diabetes with 2 holes under his foot. She comes up here to do his foot and stay 4 nihts. She is not attracted not at all. He is greeting money to pay his bills.i had a big blowout with him and her around his house. I told him you are a big liar. I told her i he is using you she said that’s m.y choose.i believe she is putting some over his food. That’s what a card reader told me..they stay u in the house all the time might go to the store or get something to eat.

Reply July 4, 2017, 6:52 pm


Let him go u can do better

Reply June 19, 2017, 11:19 pm

Kim jones

My boyfriend of 4yrs always lies to me about meeting one of his mates who tried to split us up in the past. They were always together until I came along. Since we got serious his mate walked out of his life for over a yeaand half and has recently turned up and since then my boyfriend had met him and lied about and then when I fiuns out made out it was my fault he hadnt told me. We’ve just bought house abroad and ive just found out my boyfriend arranged to meet him while he was abroad working on the house and didnt tell me. I feel completely humiliated and decieved again. Not sure what to do. Hes once again saying whats my problem. So what if he meets him. He didnt tell me because I dont like him and i’ll make a fuss. Ive told him to sell the house abroad as im not moving out there as hes lier. Whats your advise ?

Reply June 18, 2017, 2:25 pm


I asked one of my guy classmate about a class note. But he replied Sir didn’t give it. One of my friends however told me Sir did give notes and he gave me those. I just want to know why this friend lie to me in the first place.

Reply June 15, 2017, 12:03 am

D Money

I’ve dated a pathalogical liar – and while looking back some of the lies are hilarious, it truly scares me that some people are so insecure that they’ll lie about insignificant things like: I have 2 puppies, I lived with my ex gf, Judd Apatow is my mentor and his wife Leslie Mann is at this bar with me……….

Anyway… I just started seeing this guy. And we have a lot in common (or so I think). However, I’ve been getting liar vibes. One evening, he said he was going to watch the Warriors game and then go to a private screening. However, this fool was texting me at a bar by 11pm. So if the game ended at 9, and he drove 20 min to a screening, and then wasn’t at a bar near his house an hour later … it’s impossible. LIE. However, that’s one of those “I want to impress you because I’m invited to cool shit lies.”

But it gets more odd. The other day, he picked me up and we went to his house. He was hungry and ordered pizza, while I just watched tv (in my own world). 30 min later, after being on his phone quite a bit, he does “I need to go to the ER – my stomach hurts.” So I offered to Lyft home, but he refused and drove me home. (At the time I felt like he was lying so I wasn’t overly sympathetic.) then he texted me that he found a free walkin clinic (at 12:30 am on a Sat) on a particular street. So my “used to be lied to” ass googles open clinics in that area, and they’re all closed by 8pm. Mmmmhmmm. So then the next morning, I follow up asking if he’s Ok. And he said he has an allergic reaction and was given a shot and antibiotics. I’m obviously screenshotting every text to my girlfriends, and almost all of them go “you don’t get antibiotics for an allergic reaction.” So, now I’m like – LIAR. Lol.

And then later that day, he was pretending to buy aa house near his apartment on IG story. So IDK.

The point is…. I live in LA, and men lie here ALL the time – and the lies aren’t even for good intention like to protect me or show off.

Reply June 12, 2017, 9:15 am

Jenine Burns

What Sonny said. If a man can’t treat his woman right. He is obviously not capable of løve.
Reward him Bow down to him tsssssssa

Reply May 17, 2017, 8:42 pm


My man needs to be honest with me.
He lies about things to my face, and I know he is lying.
For instance, he says he hasn’t been smoking pot.
“I was outside on my lunch break at work, and I was standing next to “John”, and he was smoking it.” “Thats why you smell it on me”.
That still didn’t explain why, when he kissed me, I could taste it on his lips, and smell it on his breath.
Either he took a hit from “John’s” pipe/joint, or he was kissing someone who was smoking it.
Either way, that makes him a liar.

He says he smokes pot to relieve back pain from a herniated disk in his cervical spine. I have a cousin with MS, and she uses marijuana to relieve her symptoms.

I get it. Pot does have some medicinal benefits.
That said, I think there are some screwed up things going on where he works.
A lot of his co workers smoke pot on their breaks/lunches and then go back to work.
I don’t think its necessary for someone to do that. It should be done on their own time, not at work.
I don’t have a problem with him smoking it to relieve pain. I do have a problem with him lying to me about it. In spite of everyone saying that Pot isn’t physically addictive, a person can still become addicted to it.
Also, when he was in his 20’s he overcame a Cocaine addiction. Using Cocaine almost killed him.
So, he is an addict.
What I have a problem with is someone who uses substances to escape their lives. At the end of the day, the problems are still there .
I don’t like being around him when he is stoned.
He doesn’t remember conversations, he stinks of weed, and when he is stoned, I don’t know if his behavior is just him being a little weird that day (silly–which I love), or is it because he’s stoned. I don’t like being in public with him after he drives us to a restaurant after smoking it, and he is slurring his words at the restaurant, and doesn’t even notice that he has food running down his chin onto his shirt. He is an almost 50 year old man, a business professional, not a 20 year old surfer/stoner dude.
Sometimes I think the pot is more important to him than me.
He is finally looking into seeing a doctor, something he hasn’t done in a decade. (Because of his back.) There might be alternative treatments available after he sees a Doctor, and has some tests done on his back.
Suggestions for me on how to deal with this…..
I’m working on finding a counselor for me, to have someone to talk to.
He should have been honest with me when we first started dating 18 months ago, about how much he smokes it.

Reply April 14, 2017, 1:46 pm


I have a sort of “friend’s with benefits” thing with this guy. I know he’s been hooking up with other women and I believe he knows I’ve been hooking up with others too. Here’s the thing, even though he knows that I know about it (though he doesn’t tell me but c’mon girls we all have that strong intuition) he still tries to hide it from me. I don’t get it.
Why would you hide something like that from your FWB considering that your relationship is just FWB? I mean, what’s there to lose? Is there something to gain? I need your opinion about this. It will be a big help nfor me to better understand the guy. Thanks in advance.

Reply March 4, 2017, 2:23 am


Sometimes, that type of relationship often ends up with one party wanting more.

Reply April 11, 2017, 10:07 pm


I been dating guy for like 3 months he keeps lying to me about everything like he will tell me he is at work but he is at his friends house or he will ask me to go on date with him and he will call and cancel it saying im sorry I forgot my brothers birthday today and when I look at shear with location my friends I found him at home and when I text him asking him how is the party he still lie to me and say it is good but he is home last night he cut our date saying ii have to go to work but he went home and he texted me saying it is so busy here at work but he wasn’t at work he was home and he went to his friends house I really don’t know why he is lying about those things can someone help me plz thank you.

Reply January 21, 2017, 8:08 am


1. Why are yo still with the liar? You have enough evidence he is lying, say goodbye and move on!
2. Try to write properly using complete sentences and punctuation. If you want your girlfriends to respond, they should be able to read your writings.

Reply February 22, 2017, 4:02 pm

adama sillah

there is no straight way to all of this, been honest must be the ultimate goal in any relationship it saves all d drama i honestly think.

Reply November 17, 2016, 1:50 pm


There is no reason for anyone to be dishonest or unfaithful. If they need to do either, then they should end it. Ok, so some women go wild and freak out. But what are you doing that makes the women go wild and freak out. You are lying because you are doing something you should not be doing. I have caught my boyfriend lying a few times now, I am now not even sure what is the truth and what is a lie anymore. I have not lied once to him in our 4 1/2 year relationship. It is so disrespectful and hurtful. Also he says he is one place and then I find out he was actually somewhere else. Ofcourse I am now going to start wondering what is he up to, who is he with, why did he need to lie to me, is he messing around. This is the worst possible thoughts to be constantly having. I dont want to leave him, but he is pushing me away and I will eventually have to walk away. As no one deserves to be lied to.

Reply October 18, 2016, 6:56 am


I don’t understand. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 4 years. I found out that he was dating another young lady and myself for 2 years at the same time. Well I tried leaving him but it didn’t last. I went back yo him because of the strong feelings I have for him. But he continues to lie to me and tells me it’s me he wants but he is constantly texting the other lady and telling her he really misses her and wants to be with her. The other woman told me that he is only with me because she will not see him.

Reply October 3, 2016, 6:23 pm


For some reason my husband lies to me about a lot. I spoil him rotten but he can’t be honest with me I have never lied to him in 9 years we been together. Heart broken

Reply September 24, 2016, 8:40 pm


I’ve been going through this with my husband over the past few years ( at least few years that I know of) and the main thing that I’m more frustrated with than anything is when he turns it around that it’s my fault that he’s lying to me! So this is my point to anyone on both sides of this conversation! Men and woman that physically and mentally abuse their spouse and as their doing it and say it’s their fault for them hitting them or verbally abusing them, This is the same thing these men are using lies and then turning it around it around on us and telling us it’s our fault the reasoning why their lying to us! So wake up! It’s never ok to lie to your spouse! If you need to lie your hiding something or you need to get out before it gets to the abuse

Reply September 13, 2016, 8:36 pm


Don’t overlook the facts. Don’t make excuses for the behavior. Don’t second guess the reason. God gave you intuition, pay attention to the gut feeling, There is no trust. There is no peace. Don’t feed into the false belief that he will change. You must love yourself and look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are the same? Are you a high value woman? Know the difference, the lesson repeats itself until you learn it. I was married 28 years to a man who lied, thank the lord above for my blessings after my divorce or I would be homeless due to his lies and wickedness. You see the signs, I would run as far away as you could and be the light in this dark world. Your vibe attracts your tribe.

Reply September 6, 2016, 4:00 am


Been with my bf for 7 years. He constantly lies about where he is, doesn’t answer my texts or calls. I have confronted him with his disrespect towards me and that I know he lies to me. He says I’m the only one in his life and we will get through this. But how does he think that’s possible when I’ve caught him textn another woman, hiding his phone from me, telling me it’s his sister he’s textn when I can see the number and it’s not her. Lies are the worst thing you can do to another person when you are in a relationship. It makes me feel less than knowing he’d rather speak to someone else. It is abusive and devastating to me. He tells me that I ask too many questions and all I want to do is pick and fuss all the time. Narcissistic behavior, yes. He has no level of empathy and that’s what scares me. He sees the pain his lies causes and yet he won’t stop.

Reply August 25, 2016, 2:38 am


I was online looking to read about something that has nothing to do with men or relationships but this got my attention and it bothered me.
I’m in a long distance relationship and I keep catching him in lies. stupid lies!! his reason for lying is nuts. because he don’t want to be asked 101 questions! lol really?? how about the reason I’m asking all the questions? how about the fact that you started acting strange like not replying to text or answering your phone. disappearing saying you fell asleep yet you pop up online and then say it must be a glitch or something with google you were never online. saying your one place and I find out later that you were somewhere else. why lie if your not doing anything wrong? if it’s a simple ( I’m at my moms house ) why lie and say your at home depot. or say your at the store when your with a friend!! I’m asking lots of questions because you have lied many times over and when you get that gut feeling that someone is lying. go with it because it’s a good chance they are lying!
I will never understand why people lie in a relationship because all it does is make that other person not trust you anymore and it hurts.
The not knowing what is really going on and why all the lies can drive someone crazy. just be honest. I may not like everything you have to say and it may even hurt but I will trust and respect you more knowing that you told me the truth!!!! The fact here is that if you love someone you should trust them with the truth whatever that may be. otherwise you just end up being known as a liar and someone that cant be trusted! you never no if that person is really telling you the truth or lying again! and in that case it ends up driving both people crazy why? because that person you kept lying to will always question you now. So in my case I end up driving him crazy by asking if he’s telling me the truth in what he say’s he’s doing because even when I have asked him that befor he says yes I’m being honest then later I tell him I no your lying he will admit he lied. so now when he tells the truth I never no if its the truth. and I don’t no how we can get pass this because it’s an on going thing. he says he wont lie anymore but then he does!! all it takes is one lie to destroy something good! SAD!

Reply August 23, 2016, 9:48 pm


What do you think is going on? Really….don’t lie to yourself
What do you really think he is doing and trying to cover up,? I can tell you what I hear from your story. He broke his a serious way now you don’t trust him and you have lowered yourself to playing detective to “protect”the relationship. Is that what you really want a relationship without trust? Instead of questioning him…why not spend the energy on you! I think he wants you long term but may not fully. Committed right now. In other words he doesn’t want to lose you but he’s got some other things going on. So stop stressing him and do more “you”. Turn the table on him. If it’s meant to be it will be and it won’t take all this work.

Reply February 22, 2017, 8:54 am


also he told me to trust him because he trusts me but how can I when he’s already broken it.he told me to have trust and faith in our relationship.he gets mad when I bring up issues and tells me I’m insulting his integrity and his character.

Reply August 17, 2016, 2:05 pm

Deloris White

I think why men lies they don’t to lose the person they love because ladies like to shout cry and say it over then try to hurt back the men

Reply August 17, 2016, 1:37 pm


What a load of patter. Can tell a man has written this and based it on personal exerience rather than overall. As much as i bieve men will lie for various reasons there is no reason for them to repeat lies over and over when they know they will get found out anyway. Btw this page takes stupidly long to load

Reply August 13, 2016, 3:47 am

Eric Charles

My article focuses on why a particular dynamic is taking place, not on who to blame or what to get angry at.

It’s been said, “You can get angry… or you can take effective action… but you often don’t see both happening at once.”

Not sure why the page loaded slowly for you, but I’ll look into it. Haven’t heard other’s mention this and it loads fast for me.

Rather than go back and forth with you, please read my extensive comments in response to other’s below. I want to help be effective in the situation they find themselves in – in this case, the situation is a guy lying and why it might be happening.

I’m not condoning it. I’m not saying to just accept it. I’m explaining how this can come about in even good relationships and where to go from here. Blaming and shaming improve a relationship or one’s effectiveness in their overall love life.

Reply August 15, 2016, 12:06 pm

Tasha Nc

I found your article to be very helpful.As a women I can say if your man feels comfortable with his partner (vice versa) he will be more acceptable to telling the truth.Neither partner wants thier other to shame them or not trust them.And most men feel as if your attacking them and i know were not,but they honestly dont want to let thier down.They want to feel like your hero and your article is honest and helpful

Reply June 6, 2017, 5:11 pm


I am tired of seeing posts on the net about the reason why a person lies is because of someone else! Are you kidding me!!?? People lie because they WANT to!!! Stop feeding people BS articles and putting the blame on others for their deceitful behaviour!! It’s a choice and they chose to lie because liars do not stand in honour of the truth! Plain and simple! If someone cannot see they are wrong to lie, you are dealing with a major problem, maybe even a personality disorder. Never believe you caused someone to lie to you!

Reply July 26, 2016, 10:39 pm

Eric Charles

Wait a second… rather than pop on here with a drive-by comment claiming that this is saying that “the reason why a person lies is because of someone else”, let’s have a thoughtful discussion…

I would find it concerning if I saw an article that was titled, “Why Do Men Lie?” and the contents was simply, “It’s your fault.”

That is not this article.

Ultimately (and I’ve said this in many articles), you are ultimately responsible for your actions, reactions and emotions. And, ultimately, they are responsible for their actions, reactions and emotions.

So when you say people lie because they want to, I totally agree with you. No disagreement with you whatsoever.

Here’s where I think we aren’t connecting yet… I think it’s helpful to examine the dynamic so that the reader can self-assess and decide what they want to do based on a fresh perspective.

When I write, my goal is to help people get out of pain and be as effective as possible at having the love life they want.

My goal is not to decide who to blame. What good would that do? What does that solve?

So… if someone I loved was in a relationship where someone was lying to them, I would still probe the person I love as well. I would want to get an understanding of what’s going on, what’s the dynamic at play and, if the person is lying about important issues, why are they staying in the relationship.

Let me give you an example of the difference between lying about important issues…

In my personal life, there are some people who would be “offended” if I spoke my mind frankly about certain topics.

When I was younger, I would censor myself so as not to upset or offend the other person.

Nowadays I just don’t spend any time around people who I’m going to offend because at this point in my life, it’s not worth censoring myself.

On that same note, THAT type of self-censorship can get labeled as “lying” when really it’s about not wanting to deal with someone getting upset over something trivial (like an opinion about a TV show or whether or not you like traveling)…

That’s not lying… that’s just avoiding upsetting the other person. I made the point of explaining that in the article because people end up creating problems where there are none when they mis-interpret avoiding arguments with lying.

Now, like I said a moment ago, I don’t disagree with your comment. People lie because they want to. And I would add, people choose to self-censor when the consequence of blunt honesty isn’t worth the annoyance of dealing with the other person’s negative reaction.

But again, we need to draw a line about what’s trivial and what’s not…

Whether or not he likes a certain style of music or TV show or movie or traveling… those are trivial things…

Whether or not he’s sleeping with your sister or best friend… yeah, that’s not so trivial anymore.

Be that as it may, you can be assured that if you’re someone who is easy to tell the truth to (as in, you are not typically someone who launches into instant, wildly negative reactions), then you will be someone who people are more likely to tell the truth than not.

“More likely” doesn’t mean that everyone will always tell you the truth.

It also doesn’t imply that when people lie to you that it’s somehow your fault.

I think it’s an error to completely remove yourself from the equation when analyzing how someone is acting. It’s always a good idea to consider what the overall dynamic is like.

Yes, someone might lie and that’s on them, but for the sake of your own personal growth, doesn’t it make sense to also consider what your dynamic was like with them? I’m not saying it’s your fault, but if there’s a lesson there for you, wouldn’t you want to learn it?

Reply July 27, 2016, 12:51 pm


Very well said! Sounds like you’ve had a lot of personal growth. Very attractive!
I find people that lie are lieing to themselves or/ and living a double life. It’s usually an insecure thing. Anyone that’s secure will tell you straight, cause sugar coding anything won’t do anyone good!

Reply October 16, 2016, 2:43 pm


What is about men and “no drama” for goodness sake my dad is the kindest and most law abiding citizen you’ll meet and when growing up in a family of females there was always drama. I think you meant boys instead of men. Every man who has a family will experience drams

Reply June 28, 2017, 8:48 am


I am tired of seeing posts on the net about the reason why a person lies being the responsibility of someone else! Are you kidding me!!?? People lie because they WANT to!!! Stop feeding people BS articles and putting the blame on others for their deceitful behaviour!! It’s a choice and they chose to lie because liars do not stand on the side of truth and integrity. Plain and simple! If someone cannot see they are wrong to lie, you are dealing with a major problem, maybe even a personality disorder. Never, ever believe you caused someone to lie to you!

Reply July 26, 2016, 10:39 pm


You said it best and you are so right!! I’m glad I seen your post because it was a wake up call for me to realize its not my fault when my bf lies to me. it’s crazy that you end up feeling that your the one that did something wrong and it’s somehow your fault that he lied to you. It took me awhile to see what a master manipulator he is. for someone to lie and then say ( well I wouldn’t lie if you didn’t ask questions ) wtf?? once a liar always a liar!!! and the one who is lying way of justification of lying is to put it off on someone else not taking responsibility of their own actions! Its always I lied because or I wouldn’t lie if. Like hello you lie because you made the choice to because for whatever reason feel you need to hide something. if your not doing anything wrong then why lie???

Reply August 23, 2016, 11:22 pm


I think the reason why he lies is because he wants to have his cake and eat it too…he wants to do what he wants with who he wants when he wants and at the same time pretend that I’m the only one in the mix….which I have caught him in so many lies that its a way of life with him….there is no changing that…and all I do is want is validation and confirmation from him ….but I already know because I’ve caught him and have used logic in the meantime….you have left out ASSHOLE… men can very probably lie because they are a narscisst, or sociapathic….so please don’t blame the ladies as to why their men lie and we are walking around needy…..nope it is what it is….theres no alternative than to leave the relationship with your head held high as they are going to blame you either way….for not being deaf dumb and blind to their behavior…now Im blamed for being controlling and jealous…….I’m suspicious because of the many lies I’ve caught you in …my only error is not facing the truth sooner….

Reply July 7, 2016, 4:20 pm


It’s a narcissistic trait! You got it and you need to get out now!

Reply July 26, 2016, 10:41 pm

Why do me lie

God bless

Reply May 29, 2016, 8:28 am


Crazy, I think the biggest reason why men lie has everything to do with the drama ladies create. Men simple lie to avoid the drama.

Reply May 29, 2016, 8:26 am

Breeze In Oz

Thats rubbish! Lying wreaks havoc, destroys, consumes, poisons any relationship. It ignites drama in the worst way.

Reply March 14, 2018, 11:15 am


Everyone knows why people lie, why people steal, why people kill, why people cheat – it is selfishness. The point is it is wrong to be selfish.

Reply May 16, 2016, 1:43 am

mulukeni ottilie

the scary part is , if a person sleeps with three of you in one day, tells you that all that time he was away he was with his sick brother at the hospital or he wasn’t feeling good so he can’t chat, you believe him, he does it again , you doubt and ask questions, he plead and tell you he loves you, or he tells you he is just in bed chatting to you but you could see him holding and kissing someone else and chat to you at the same time, tells his friends how he is playing his games, makes you sad or stress while knowing you could have a heart attack, try so hard and for so long to propose and convince you he loves you but it was all a lie, that person can even kill you. he is your worst enemy and is a fact.. you don’t even need to ask questions why but lather just cut him off completely. you are in danger.. because i can’t do any of that to someone i love , not even someone i hate. a person that i hate i will leave alone. but if a person can do that to me then i am scared and can’t look at that person as a normal human being.. that’s abnormal.

Reply April 30, 2016, 5:15 pm

mulukeni ottilie

You are right… but I can’t get to understand why i never thought of hurting or lying to anyone in a relationship and in all my 2 relationships i have been lied to, to the point you can’t imagine.. a person can tell you something looking into your eyes, sometimes so convincing because he is telling the truth and you are not believing him but actually he is lying totally. you suspect he is seeing one girl out there and you confront him one certain night, he come beg you to believe him, sit in front of you very sadness and hold you tight so you believe he is honest but the truth is that in the afternoon he slept with one girl, that evening with another one and then he come to you saying he went to see his sick brother at the hospital. because you don’t want to be judgmental you believe and just to find that out later. don’t they think others can feel? how can one trust again after being lied to many times and people don’t care at all. but when you are with each others things seem so real but you will be shocked that a person never meant any of it.. they even worked so hard to get you or make you believe they love you.. what are men then? I tried for the second time because I believe men are not the same but I get nothing in return. what are we suppose to do? I don’t want to be bitter or not love but being hurt is unbearable. and how do you know who really love you?

Reply April 30, 2016, 4:53 pm


I had taken the test earlier today and I’m not sure if you sent me the results? I’m not quite sure if I can even open my e-mails, I don’t no why it’s so difficult to open. Could you try sending me the results one more time to see if I am even receiving them. Thanks shelley.

Reply April 25, 2016, 2:05 pm


Well i tried being cool about him lying to me about three times but he kept doing it. He kept messaging his ex. I knew he didn’t cheat on me physically but he kept messaging his ex and him thinking it wasn’t wrong was just absurd to me. I just ended things. It was making me feel insecure and i stopped believing him in everything he would tell me.

Reply March 3, 2016, 11:28 am


What I have to say is way to long to read but here I go.
Have seen this guy now 3 years..we took is casually first because he was getting a divorce so no affair just coffee, meal or drive. After his divorce he moved into his own home and set his ex up in her new place. His ex never wanted the divorce and when she found out he had been seeing me she told him we wont work and he is stupid to think I would hang on to him. She just wouldn’t go. Now this was his second marriage so no children. All I can say she never let him go and he did try to get rid of her but thought she wasn’t managing the divorce and he was trying to help her get through it..well it didn’t work because she took advantage and manipulated the whole thing..I told him to stop talking to her..he just took pity on her.
9 months ago things changed, his house burned down and he had an unwell son living with him who has a mental illness who started the fire. So his mind was not good, losts of stress because he lost everything family photos and no contents insurance. His behaviour was weird, I told him he is in shock. Any how a few days after he told me he needed space and that his ex wife has offered a roof over his head until house is rebuilt, son went into hospital. Well I was so angry and hurt because he didn’t lean on me. So he went to his ex but 2 months after he came to me because they were fighting..He stayed 3 months with me (and my mother) she was picking on both of us and things were uncomfortable for him so he left. he told me he was going to live with a mate. No, he went back to his ex. He has been living a lie with her saying they might get back together later on and they both have been living like married couple..he says he has no sex with her as he cant stand her in that is good she cant understand why he doesn’t want she feels ugly and unwanted SO he says.
he and I are in touch now and then no affair for us just coffee or meal and lots of talking. He is telling me, he is just using her as he needs some where to stay. I said why did you lie to me..because I would be annoyed..well I am. he does like his ex but just as a friend..but because she wants him back and she doesn’t want me to have him. he has been with her 4 months now and might be another month. He is getting ready to move out and preparing her that he will be leaving and she is not happy..she doesn’t know about me.
Well I don’t like any of this never did, he comes across selfish. He is hurting her and leading her on. Me well how do I feel him living with her, he must be kissing her and touching her..maybe sex..he is a man. Plus he has to sneak to see me.
he did tell me while he has been with her he realised why he divorced her they are not getting a long. She cant figure why he does want sex with her. I don’t know if that is true. All that I do know, when she found out one time he had dinner with me, she cut up all his clothes and hit,bit and scratched him another time when he took me to see his sister , he actually told her that . Well again attacked him and threw boiling water on him. He has told her he wont be staying will be going when house is sold.
I have to wait on side line..I have never been in this situation before.
he told me he is done with his ex, admits he had done wrong but he has never loved her. he wants me to join him after house is up ( 4/6 weeks) mean while he is with her. This feels so wrong. So is he just playing me and her or is he just so selfish just thinks of him self. Has no feelings?

Reply February 27, 2016, 1:10 am


So…… basically all the same reasons I would white lie lol (spare feelings, avoid drama, no upside). I think some people are reacting negatively because they are lumping in common, white lies in with the cowardly, truly deceitful type.

Reply February 5, 2016, 10:10 am


Hey I have read your article and I want to ask you what could I do if my boyfriend is lying to me. You see he said me that he will not be able to talk to me for some time ( a month ) and that’s ok but my problem is that even if he said he can’t talk I saw he was online Facebook. Now he sent me a message telling me that he found some time but only for some minutes and I don’t know what to do…

Reply February 3, 2016, 11:04 pm


So I read this. I am a woman btw. And I found it insightful, however I think my predicament might be different than the answers given. I just found out sadly that my husband completely lied to me. I have no idea why. He said he had a late night job and I believed him, but when he wasn’t home an hour after his shift ended I got worried and texted to see if everything was okay. He said he was on his way home. Then 3 hours later he still wasn’t so I texted then when I didn’t hear back I called, got voicemail no ring. And this went on for an hour. So I thought shit. It had been raining hard and was super dark when he said he was on his way, he must’ve had an accident so I got in the car to see if I could find him as I’m pulling out he shows up. He said he went to a bar and lost track of time. I believed him and was like okay well please just tell me next time so I know you’re okay. I didn’t even ask why his phone was turned off and didn’t bitch. Then 2 days later I’m doing laundry and find a validated parking permit that shows he was at the bar the whole time, not ever at work. So I ask him to please come clean and he says I’m crazy and he didn’t lie and then asks where I got my info. So I said if he tells me, I’ll tell him. He still won’t tell the truth. I don’t get it. Why lie about going to a bar? I have no issues with him going out. I’ve told him lots of times to go out when he needs because I understand the need to let loose. Can someone help me understand

Reply December 15, 2015, 10:41 am


Scanned the comments…most are from women. Just thought I’d throw this out there, but have any of you ladies tried keeping multiple sex partners, and never having a relationship or getting married? It avoids a lot of headaches, and you always are guaranteed to get sex when you need it. I know I sound weird, but I’m an INTJ, so I am first and foremost, logical, and seek practical solutions to problems. My problem when I hit 30 was, everytime a relationship ended, the sex stopped, and I was left sexless. I’m 46 now, and keeping multiple partners and avoiding relationships has been the answer to my prayers. I never go without sex, I never have headaches, it’s great. I think when women put all their eggs into one basket, so to speak, they are doomed for dissapointment and doomed to go long periods without sex, which makes them emotionally vulnerable because they aren’t getting any, ahum, you know what. Then, they hurry and jump into another relationship (when they are primarily really in need of sex), they don’t choose wisely b/c they are in a hurry to have sex, and then the relationship ends…….yada yada yada, the cycle repeats itself. Just an idea.

Reply November 22, 2015, 7:08 pm

Maggy steward

You don’t sound ‘weird’ you sound like an ignorant prick. Guys like you are ruining the world. Your to immature to stay with one girl and treat her right and wemon are expected to deal with it cuz ‘it’s how they are’, when in reality they just do it cuz they think it’s excusable cuz they have a dick . Pathetic

Reply December 8, 2015, 6:15 pm


I am a female, and I find you ALWAYS have to lie to men about having multiple sexual partners. When I was naieve and in my twenties, I used to be honest with my boyfriends when I had sex with someone else. The result was always heartbreak, drama, and sometimes violence. When I hit 30, I decided that if I didn’t want to be monogamous, or get married, I would have to lie about it. No man wants to hear that someone he is having sex with, is having sex with other men. Their egos can’t handle it.

Reply November 22, 2015, 1:17 pm


Well,from the starting I have asked him whether he have ex or not he told me he don’t have any…but yet he do have ,so what’s the point hiding it from me?that’s not a good reason for lying cuz it isn’t a whITE lie… furthermore he didn’t even know … whether he is truly love me or not.we have been dating for 7months and now he told me he not sure whether he love me or not?.. that’s heartache!!

Reply November 11, 2015, 9:08 pm


What I want to know is why do they do things that put them in the situation where they have to lie in the first place?

Reply November 9, 2015, 5:03 pm

Eric Charles

Well, I have two answers, depending on the scenario:

1) The “actual liar” – this person wants to get away with something that they know you wouldn’t be on board with. Their motive is selfish – they want to have their cake and eat it too in some way, shape or form. In this case, they put themselves in that situation because they’re selfish, knowingly violating the other person’s trust and want to avoid the consequences of whatever their actions are.

There are dishonest men and dishonest women. It’s just a fact of life.

Dishonest people leave clues though – look for how they lead the rest of their life. Look at how they treat others. Look at how easy it is for them to lie to others.

2) The other scenario is when they’re lying to spare your feelings. Their motivation is short-sighted, but it’s selfless (or at least… considerate of you).

This kind of lying is what this article focused on and this comes about when one person has unrealistic expectations (of love, of relationships, of their partner, of life in general) and their partner doesn’t want to let them down. Both men and women can have unrealistic expectations and both men and women can be the partner that doesn’t want to burst the other person’s bubble.

It is far more effective in life to be someone who’s really great at telling people the truth in a way they can understand and appreciate. However, not all of us have the luxury of a partner who has this ability. From our side, the best thing we can do is be really great at hearing the other person’s truth.

The only place we have true control is over our own emotions, actions and reactions.

Reply November 9, 2015, 7:25 pm


Eric, lying satisfies one purpose and one purpose only; to avoid consequence! It is never a “selfless” action, NEVER! People that lie have already decided for THEMSELVES, on a preconceived notion, they already know how someone will act. They can never truly know how the person they are deceiving will respond to the truth, they are simply willing to gamble on own THEIR action. That is a very selfish act since the other person is never given the opportunity to respond naturally.

How can a relationship even launch if the other person begins by lying based on this preconception? The person lying is most likely basing their preconception on past experience of other partners and not even giving the new person a chance to prove who they are. It is assuming because it happen once it will happen with everyone. This is an insecurity of the person lying, not the neediness of a new partner.

Reply July 30, 2016, 4:31 pm

Eric Charles

I agree – people lie to avoid consequence. No argument from me there.

Does this mean that every lie is “bad” and that every consequence is “just and deserved”?

I would argue that it is not – not in every case.

For example, if I was Jewish and living in Nazi Germany, you can be damn sure I would lie and say I was not Jewish (and do everything I could to get out of there as quickly as possible).

Now granted, that’s an extreme and perhaps hyperbolic example, but a clear illustration of a “good lie”. (And no, I’m not Jewish in case anyone is wondering — wouldn’t matter if I was, but just want to be clear.)

Let’s talk about relationships now…

If a man is cheating and lying about it, I think all of us would agree that that’s a “bad lie”… it’s harmful to the other person in many respects, it’s selfish and it undermines the deepest core of the trust of a relationship. I think we all agree on that.

However, that is not what the article was talking about and my follow-up comments also support that.

Things aren’t so clean-cut and black-and-white in real life.

In real life and real relationships, there are always going to be differences between two people.

Let’s say that a guy likes playing video games and his girlfriend thinks video games are stupid. She ridicules video games and the people who play video games.

Let’s say the guy really likes his girlfriend and, also, doesn’t want to be ridiculed for having a personal preference.

In that circumstance, the guy will probably downplay his liking for video games, he’ll avoid the subject and he might even say he doesn’t really like video games.

Is this good for the relationship? Overall, I would say no – he’s better off saying, “Actually, I really like video games,” and holding firm that there’s nothing wrong with his personal preferences, especially since they have nothing to do with her or the relationship.

But people (men and women) aren’t perfect. Sometimes men (and women) just don’t want to deal with being the subject of ridicule and pettiness just because they have an innocent personal preference.

So they downplay or avoid the subject.

In that scenario, you can see why a guy would lie about liking video games… but is he “bad” for doing it? No, not necessarily, though I don’t believe it’s the best way to handle things.

Additionally, is the woman “bad” for ridiculing video games and people who play them? No, it’s her opinion and she shared it – chances are she didn’t even realize she was trampling his personal preferences. However, it is worth noting that her lambasting of video games did have an impact on the discourse.

So there are a few examples to illustrate how this subject needs a deeper examination than “lying is bad and liars are evil”.

My main point in the article and the follow-up comments is that if someone lies, it’s not your fault for their lying. However, all of us (men and women) should realize that we have a role in creating the communication dynamic between their partner and them.

When you make it easier for someone to tell the truth, you make it more likely they will tell you the truth, clearly, directly and immediately.

This is not to say that it guarantees they’ll tell the truth… it just states that it is more likely.

Blaming the liar with a blanket judgment of “liars are bad!” doesn’t protect you from being lied to. However, being easy to tell the truth will make it less likely that you’re lied to in the future.

Hope that clarifies, Dee.

Reply July 30, 2016, 6:02 pm


Eric, my comment was strictly in context on the relationship side of lying, not in regards to extreme situations such as nazi Europe. I never said all lies are bad and all liars are evil, I simply said people lie to avoid consequence; be it death or ridicule, it’s still the consequence, to which you agreed. No matter the reason for the lie, it is still because of the preconceived consequence.

I also stand behind no lie is “selfless” and every lie is selfish. Being selfish does not equate to being evil, it simply means watching out for one’s self. I don’t think I or anyone else would ever blame someone for being selfish when it comes to needing to lie their way out of a life or death situation. However, I would hope that most relationships you deal with don’t fall into that category!

I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you and your example is on point with how lying does that. In your scenario, the guy is not only lying to the girl, he is lying to himself. He has now taught her that she can ridicule his likes and desires rather then accepting them for who he is. He has just made it more difficult for himself in the future and rather than squelching any future drama, he has now created a higher probability for drama. This sets the stage for now believing he has to lie in the future to avoid any drama.

When did he ever give the girl the opportunity to say while she may find it silly, she’s glad he has an escape. The point being, today’s society seems to prejudge women as drama queens and that gives the guy an excuse to behave badly by lying under a preconceived notion rather than be accountable for his role and allowing for an adult conversation to take place. This practice with guys has become the norm and not the exception.

We’re both saying the same thing, only different side of the same coin. However, your article seems to suggest that the guy should be excused for his lies because he doesn’t want the drama, but how can he know there will be drama if the girl has never given him reason to suggest there would be, but he chooses to lie anyway? As you said, it is the cowards way out (strictly speaking from a non abusive scenario)!

I also think what women are more curious about when they ask “why do men lie” is; why do men lie to set women up and make them believe they want a relationship only to lie again for their poor behavior once they decide they’re not ready for the relationship they just worked so hard to establish! Again, could it be because they lied to themselves in the beginning as well and don’t know any other way to dig themselves out of the hole they just dug? Hence, why do men lie? (Not saying that women don’t, just asking from a woman’s point of view!)

August 17, 2016, 3:57 pm

Eric Charles

To your follow-up comment:

First two paragraphs: yes, we agree.

Third paragraph: Yes, in my example, the guy made a short-term easy choice that sets himself up for long-term suffering. He made a poor choice.

People make poor choices all the time. If they didn’t, this country would be full of skinny, happy millionaires in great relationships. Unfortunately, it’s not.

Being that we live in reality, and being that it’s women coming to this site to figure out how to address the situations they’re in effectively, I have to be able to talk about how these situations come about.

It is the opposite of helpful when someone fixates on who’s doing the “wrong thing” or who needs to be “blamed” or who’s “at fault”?

In relationships, it’s most often two well-meaning people doing the best they can and one day they find themselves in a situation they don’t want and think, “How did I get here?”

That’s what I speak to… Shaming and blaming seems to be the past time of bitter people who already gave up on life and who want to make the world as miserable as they are. It’s divisive and does not lead to an effective place.

I agree with you later on in your comment where you say that in many ways we’re saying the same thing. Fine, but I don’t want that conflated with your interpretation that I’m saying a guy should be excused/let off the hook. Again, that’s from that whole mindset looking for who needs to be blamed. Unhelpful and foolish!

I routinely tell people that in any relationship, they are *choosing* to participate in the relationship (and relationship dynamic) every day. So if you’re choosing to participate in it, don’t whine about how it is — either take whatever action you need to take to bring about the change you want… or stop participating. You’re the one in the relationship — why are you whining? Change it or get out.

August 17, 2016, 4:46 pm


I was dating a guy for almost 6 months who’s a friend of my brothers and befriended me on fb, any vote for years there was nothing because he admitted to having a girlfriend, then finally he told me they broke it off, and he started sending gifts, texting and calling me all day every day. We hooked many times, and began to talk about moving together, then all of a sudden he’s not communicating like before. I’m asking and asking, he claims to be tired and sleeping, ha right, to finally admitting that they are not just roommates they’re sleeping in the same bed.and he swore up and down nothing was going on yeah right.then hand the nerve to be mad at me for not staying with him, when all of a sudden he can’t call or text because she’s in the room, if they weren’t togethet what the … the problem.guys suck, and he swore he wasn’t the same as the other ones…like wtf why paly games tell the truth and let me decide if I want to play..I even went as far to tell him just leave me alone till he moves out and then we could start over,he didn’t want that because he knew I would find a better man..

Reply September 19, 2015, 2:00 am


thanks . Passin it on to my lian ass married boyfriend!

Reply August 19, 2015, 1:16 am

Di K

Husband of 10 years told me he got off work at his new job 5 years ago at 3:00p. Recently discovered his got off at 2pm. Where has he been and am I crazy for being upset?

Reply July 10, 2015, 2:26 am


Ive been with my man 6 years, known him 17. He’s usually a brutally honest person. I looked at his phone records online and asked him about two unfamiliar numbers. He told me one was Sam and the other was Jenn. I asked who she was, it was a friend of his step bro and did n law. He got her number when they went to Vegas to visit family. Normally he tells me things like that, he rarely or only that I know of lies or keeps secrets. Two weekends ago he was with w male buddy of his all day so I hasn’t hears from him all day til the next day. I looked online & Jenn’s number is on there, so he called/talked to her that day yet not at all to me. He went off with his buddy again today, I finally called him at 245 after him not responding to any of my texts to him. So again I got nosey looked online again, & he called her about 30-40 mins before him and I talked.

Reply July 5, 2015, 4:54 am


Hun, this is not good. Either it’s becoming a very close friendship, which could hurt your relationship (obviously it already is) or – and this is what it likely is – he is starting to branch out and feel attached. Put a stop to it now before it gets worse.

Reply December 4, 2015, 9:11 am


My mother taught my brother that cheating and lying was okay, as long as she got the money and prestige from any positive social results.

I think there are many mothers who “teach” their sons by their own behaviors! I know a married man who claims his wife cheated on him when their kids were in grade school (thereby justifying his own cheating with women whom he targets as potential sex partners); that very man claimed to “be getting a divorce”, just so he could use women, lying to them and deceiving them in ANY MANNER POSSIBLE, even recently “getting rid of a girlfriend of over 32 years, who was “with him for BOTH MARRIAGES”, because he told her he “can’t be friends because she reminded him too much of his painful past”! Now THAT is a sleazy cheater! And he falsely accuses his girlfriend(s) of cheating, BECAUSE HE IS A A CHEATER!!!

As a pilot in a powerful state position, he DOES CHEAT ON HIS WIFE and LIED ABOUT IT, stating his colleagues are/were “just friends”; that’s EXACTLY HOW he HAS BEEN GETTING AWAY WITH CHEATING, and also BY THREATENING THE VICTIMS HE USES AND DECEIVES, especially decent women who don’t want to “play” his sick games and threaten to come forward to the wife to find out the truth about his “getting a divorce statement”!!! He advocates “not wanting to hurt the wife”, when he intentionally cheats on her to her face and then gaslights her by lying about his intimacy, as he is lying to the girlfriend with whom he states he “wants a future” as a simple ruse. The SMART ONES RUN AWAY and find someone decent, once they can shake the stench from a BAD MISTAKE!!! It would kill him to think that’s all I ever though of hm as now, as a “BAD MISTAKE”!!! OOPS … don’t want to step in that!

It’s good to walk downwind and get a whiff of what a REAL scumbag is, only to avoid it like the plague in the future. Sometimes there’s just too much Eau de Taureau on some men, making it more difficult to distinguish cleanliness being next to Godliness, but the overblown use is obviously there for a reason!

He will use the very wife he has been cheating on to PROTECT HIM, because SHE IS AN ATTORNEY, and he has been LYING TO HER ALL ALONG about the other women, SO SHE WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING HE TELLS HER about them, using her natural psychology to “hate his mistresses”, instead of allowing her to see the truth of his intentionally deceitful behavior!!! He even has “social contacts” he planted years ago and plans to use as “character witnesses”; he intentionally structured so many aspects of relationships by compartmentalizing them in such a strategic manner, that I wouldn’t be surprised to find him involved in criminal activity as well, as he also mentioned quadruply encrypting his computer, software, emails, etc, using many proxies in the process.
Whatever you do, don’t turn him, because he is extremely violent, vindictive, vengeful and hateful. Like I said before in my previous response to Faras, “I can’t get away fast enough from an evil man woman, or child”, and the loser I one thought I could respect, turned out to be merely a malformed “grown” character of the latter!

No decent person can “miss” someone like that; they can only GAIN FROM THE ABSENCE of EVIL THEY ALLOW IN THEIR LIVES!!!

Reply July 4, 2015, 5:43 pm


BS. It’s simple. Men (and women, children) lie because they don’t want to get caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing (out did do). It has nothing to do with hurt feelings, drama, etc. It’s simply that they don’t want to be caught. Sadly, most of the people I find doing this ARE men. Yes, women lie, as do children, but neither come CLOSE to the mount of lies men tell.

Reply July 1, 2015, 8:02 pm

Eric Charles

Sometimes a guy will lie to get away with something… in cases like that, though, the relationship she has with him probably isn’t good in a variety of ways…

In a good relationship, though, the reason that a guy might lie (or more likely, avoid talking about something) is because the woman really can’t handle whatever his truth is… she’ll hear it, freak out about it, make him feel bad about it and then try to change what he’s saying around…

If you notice a pattern of men lying to you, I would invite you to look at the types of men you’re choosing and also how you tend to react to things you don’t like hearing…

At this point, someone might say, “Oh, so now I’m to blame for a guy lying?”

No… blaming isn’t going to get anyone anywhere… so I’m not blaming you or any woman (of course), but I’m also not blaming the guy… I’m simply talking about what options YOU have to improve your love life. Blaming people is an option… but it’s not an effective one.

Reply July 1, 2015, 9:09 pm


When someone lies, it’s because they are guilty about something. End of story. It’s not about saving someone’s feelings in the case of an intimate relationship. They lie because they know what they did was wrong. Stop blaming women for their reactions to men lying. Why is it always women who are supposed to change to improve their relationships? I was in a relationship with a guy for almost 2 years and he was lying from the very start. It was his pattern with all women and with his friends, his parents, his colleagues, his clients. That is what he was good at. Perhaps it stemmed from his childhood – who knows. I didn’t give him any reason to lie. He lied from the very beginning, about many things. From omitting to tell me (omission is a form of a life) that he was married before to telling his friend that he was getting white sugar to put on the raspberries because I liked them that way (which was baloney, because I don’t eat white sugar, nor do I eat sugar on my raspberries). He is a chronic liar and a has a personality disorder which is motivation by money. Therefore, lying is lying, for any reason. It’s not right.

Reply March 12, 2016, 10:01 pm


Ya know what this is a real load of bs! I don’t giva shit he wants this and that what about what I want anyways I’m so done with lying me. And married men lie the most. I never thought my husband would lie to me but he has and I was blind. Never again!

Reply June 10, 2015, 9:49 pm


That’s crap..
If you are at a bar drinking instead of working.
Hello. That’s a loser … And a liar!!

Reply June 1, 2015, 3:50 am


Sounds like the same excuses my kids give when they lie… As an adult those excuses should have been outgrown…

Reply May 20, 2015, 9:47 am



Reply April 17, 2015, 12:05 am

Sharon Wilk

I have a question that I cannot find an answer to. I have been in a relationship for 22 months now. I live with my partner. I am 55, he is 66. I do not claim to be perfect, in fact I have fallen into the category of doing too much. My question is….WHY DO MEN CHEAT?Especially with women that are either drunks, on drugs or just not worth it in my eyes. his phone is glued to his side practically.

Reply April 2, 2015, 11:11 am


Human nature to lie? Surely – human nature to not like conflict – cos is feels horrible. But there is no such thing as relationship without it. No real trust. Accepting conflict and more importantly working through it, with YES more often than not – a little drama, BUILDS TRUST and dilutes insecurities. So isnt it more about helping men and women realise that conflict is an inevitable part of a relationship, and stop pretending that there is some fantasy relationship out there which has none?

Reply March 1, 2015, 6:32 am


ThanK you

Reply February 24, 2015, 6:31 am


well freaking duh! Of course they don’t want to hurt our feelings! Nobody wants to do that to anyone in a relationship. But even if what you have to say is going to hurt the other person, it’s best to do it now rather than later and ultimately hurt them worse when you’re forced to tell them anyway because you’re so unhappy. For example, I was broken up with in October. However, I found out later that he had been seeing someone else since August. For a good three months, he lied to me about how he felt, talked marriage to me AND let me continue with the plans to move to be near him. To find all of this out after you’ve been broken up with believing he just didn’t know what he wanted (per his explanation), took heartbreak to a whole new level. It was hell. Had he just been honest when he knew in his heart that it wasn’t working for him, I would have been heartbroken but would have respected him for his honesty. But now? I could care less if he was run over by a bus. You don’t do that to someone you care about. Lying is NEVER okay in a relationship and there isn’t an excuse for either sex either way. It’s called get a ball sack, get some tact and DO THE RIGHT THING.

Reply February 5, 2015, 5:57 pm


Couldn’t care less*

Reply February 5, 2015, 5:59 pm


People lie so they wont have to face the truth of their reality. THAT is fear. I think being a liar is a sign of ultimate weakness. It is a sign of low moral character. And this article is what is wrong with women today. Women like you just fuel the fire of inequality between the sexes. You are part of the problem.

Reply February 3, 2015, 11:19 am

Angelleigh Headley

My boyfriend says he love me but I found out that he was texting other girls telling them he loves them and how I found out I got on his phone and i went to his Facebook and found out he text more then one girl i really need to know why is he saying that cause we supposed to get Married but I had to know Why he always tells me he loves me but I really don’t know can someone help me to understand why he is like that and for why he text other girls

Reply January 25, 2015, 9:14 pm


Hi. Your advice really helps me through alot of things like trying to figure out why men do certain things and act in a certain way. I’ve realized that I used to do so many things wrong in my relationships but im ready to try out my new knowledge. I really appreciate your advice because most relationship advisors outline all your problems to you but refer you to some book to get the solutions and usually the books are not free. Its good to have someone who is willing to give free advice about relationships. Thank you

Reply January 20, 2015, 8:15 am


Men lie for the same reason women lie.

There, that could have been the entire article.

Everybody lies.

Reply January 14, 2015, 12:50 pm


FARLAS (et al) …
Just because YOU may be a pathological liar, does NOT mean everyone else is! “Lying” is a misused word to easily label a common trait of “character” that exists in evil people who try to force innocent people into bad situations to control them, through deceiving their perceptions — deceitful manipulation to GAIN CONTROL OVER OTHERS’ PERCEPTIONS is another form of lying, but it shows MOTIVATION AND INTENT TO HARM ANOTHER, vs. someone lying to “protect him/herself; so for someone to be FORCED TO LIE their way out of a bad situation with an evil person who IS HARMFUL and misled the victim in the first place, that victim is FORCED TO DEFEND him/herself by any means most reasonable and possible, NOT INTENTIONALLY DECEIVING TO GAIN CONTROL OVER SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE, FINANCES, SEXUALITY, SOCIAL CONTACTS, etc!
THAT makes ALL the difference between a “LIAR” vs. someone who had to lie to protect him/herself from being victimized by a perpetrator of evil! So you can SAY that “Everyone lies”, but the DEVIL LIES IN THE DETAILS of people’s motivations and intentions for “lying.”

Lying for the greater good, is one thing, but lying for one’s own (or a groups own) selfish agendae is quite another!

All I can say is I can’t get away fast enough from evil people, man woman or child!!! I normally don’t lie, but if it’s going to get me away from a bad situation, I will formulate the TRUTH in a way that the other person would NEVER understand, and the other PERSON would call me a liar for telling the truth, although using HIS/HER TAINTED and EVIL PERCEPTIONS against their own “truths.”
Once a cheater calls me a liar, they have already lost their own sick game, because I have never cheated on a boyfriend, fiance or husband or lied about being “intimate” with someone I may now call a friend. THAT is the difference about pathological liars who cheat! They think everyone else is a cheater too, and call them a liar because THEY CAN’T BELIEVE that other people DON’T CHEAT, OR THEY BELIEVE that others LIE ABOUT IT, when they don’t!!!

Only one thing is sadder than being called a cheater by a cheater and liar, when you never cheated, and never would, and that is giving yourself to someone that shallow and worthless, believing they were something better!

No wonder sleazy cheaters feel HAVE TO LIE … to EVERYONE, even to themselves about decent people, because they will never be an honorable or decent person, or even respect those who are!!!

Reply July 4, 2015, 5:08 pm


Sometimes I wish I had never been married. My husband has admitted he lied to me about “little” things in counseling. Unfortunately, I do not trust him now because I do not like the men he has befriended at work. He works for a fairly new place, and I think he goes bar hopping and carousing after work on some days. One friend cheats on his significant other, and I hate that he is around him so much. Before he had this job, I did trust him, but who knows if I was just a dope. I can definitely, now, understand why some women never marry. Men lie a lot.

Reply January 9, 2015, 5:04 pm

Sophie Brinson

Men cannot take responsibility for their own actions is basically what this article is saying. So men lie because we react appropriately instead of the way they wish we could react. This article is blaming our emotions for men’s behavior. I am not going to reward a guy for telling me the truth because it is actually rewarding him to continue doing what he is doing because I obviously didn’t make a big deal out of it. Men lie for their own selfish reasons… reasons that have to do with wanting their cake and eating it too. They want to continue doing wrong while having the girl. Ladies.. do not EVER let a man make you feel like it is your fault for not telling the truth. That is called manipulation. Don’t be manipulated by men or this absurd article.

I don’t think it is reacting “dramatically” when my husband tells me after we get married that he gave me HPV knowing that the girl to him BEFORE they had sex that she might have one. Oh, also that the girl is his friend that he never had sex with, the friend that I met in person, which turns out they had sex before we met, during our relationship, yet I must believe he is not having sex with her anymore…

Reply January 2, 2015, 10:12 am

He Can't Come Clean

So he lied to me about petty, but potentially big things. They would have been big if I saw them that way. Truthfully, I did blow up at him the first time he told me the truth about something, but it was because he let me believe the lie until timing forced his hand. That’s what upset me…timing forced his hand. He’s still being cowardly because he’s afraid to lose me, but his response to my simple request for the truth put him over the top. He can’t handle it and is responding more than defensively. He’s being borderline mean. Now, let me add…if I lost my sanity on him…he’d take a submissive stance, because he’s gotten used to crazy women. How do you establish a healthy relationship with a man who keeps letting the past interfere with the present? I’ve dealt with it effectively in regards to other matters, like him becoming anxious when suddenly I have to work late. It was difficult, but didn’t take long to resolve that issue. However, lying is a different matter. Lying is a bit more serious than feeling insecure, because you think your woman might be cheating due to past experiences.

Reply December 25, 2014, 7:05 pm

Sophie Brinson

I had to tell him that it is in the past and I really don’t care anymore. Wen he started telling the truth, I had to make it seem like it was no big deal eve though the more he kept telling me the more it secretively hurt. Men who lie are not cowards. They are self-centered. I know. I am married to one.

Reply January 2, 2015, 10:16 am


I’m confused I was dating this guy for almost 2 years. In the beginning he would do anything for me including drive miles at all hours of the day to get to me when I wanted his company. Even if he was soo tired and would only get a few hours of sleep before another long day at work. Every time we tried to end it he would come back wit gifts and tell me he cares so much about me but now he says it was all lies he never even liked me I was never his type and he don’t wanna see me anymore but yet he still answers me and he’s said that over 100 times but still ends up right back wit me I don’t understand why keep putting me through this if he means it when he says he don’t even like me? And if he doesn’t mean that why keep getting me back just to pull the same stunt again. I don’t go out of my way for him he’s the one who will do anything for me buy me anything take Me anywhere. To top it off I’ve treated him so horrible in the beginning before I knew I loved him but things changed and I fell for him. I dont know what to believe does he love me or does he not?

Reply May 6, 2015, 2:47 am


Great article! I really enjoyed reading. And I agree. Men and women alike lie from time to time or little white lies for different reasons. The important thing is that a man does not lie about something important. Such as being with another woman. Trust os everything. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Believe in yourseld and be happy with you first before you can share you life with someone else.

Reply December 18, 2014, 11:08 am


Exactly. They are just naturally not what a woman wants; not perfect and what I perceive as bullshit dickness alot.

Reply December 7, 2014, 1:00 am


Its not always the womans fault if he doesnt tell her he is in a relationship, but it sounds like she knew about you Hannah and knowingly played a part in breaking up the home. Both he and her are wrong. You deserve better for yourself. Be strong you did the right thing.

Reply November 19, 2014, 9:14 pm


I’ve been going through this too with my boyfriend of 4 years. He lies to me about everything. He’s had texts in his phone and a picture of someone that I knew but I was not friends with her. He told me repeatedly that she was a friend and nothing was going on with them. Well he would come home at 6 in the morning and say he had fallen asleep in his truck after drinking with the guys. I believed it wasn’t true, he was coming home with blond hair on his clothes. It continued until I could no longer take it. I moved out. He was texting someone and lying to me for months when I realized that nothing was adding up. He would say I love u and only u and he would make it up to me for being out and cancelling on me to do something else. I tried talking with him, texted him and even wrote him a letter and nothing has phased him. If he says he loves me, why does he lie to me about having a relationship with another woman? It makes me sick that I held on to try to save our relationship when he says he will change and nothing has happened. I went to his house and I’ve found blonde hair in many of the rooms, including our former bedroom. He doesn’t know how the hair has gotten there. Surprise! No one deserves a man like this except the brainless wonders he’s hooking up with. Advice?

Reply November 17, 2014, 9:45 pm


Hi Hannah I feel your pain it sucks. I am going through thre same crap with my boyfriend. And nowthat he has a job in a different state and is hardly ever home opens a new door in our relationship with him liying and or cheating. I have gave him soo many chances and he still hurts me with having social sites and talking and even meeting other women. Am a great person and locd him soo much and feel like I would be a quieter if I don’t make it work. So same boat as you :(

Reply November 19, 2014, 10:02 pm


I know what you mean. I felt like I needed to try to make it right, but realized he didn’t care enough to stop what he was doing so I needed to step back. Did he lie to you all the time? I had never been in a relationship with someone who constantly lies about everything. It throws us off to make us doubt what what you know to be true. It deceptive and dishonest. I would tell him that the thing about lying is that you have tell a bigger lie to cover up the one from before. It hasn’t been fair, it’s been hard so hard to deal with.

Reply November 20, 2014, 7:13 am


I have been with my boyfriend for 4yrs now we had our ups and downs. He is a wonderful man but I hate the fact that he loves attention from other women. Last year we took a break (for a month) he can work our his issues and ended up sleeping with a random girl he meet on a social site. I was devastated that he did that. We live together so it was hard.
After that in noticed he payed more attention but that started to fade.
Was I dumb for sticking around and thinking he would change? Its been a year since our time apart
We got out of the army last December and finally got a great paying job out of state as an underground construction/welder. I did fidb out he has 2 social sites “meetme” and “POF” which I have asked him before if he was still on them and said “no babe I’m not” then find out he does just sucks. He says its to just talk to women and kill time but am not sure if I believe that.
Also I have told him that se should think about moving to where is job is at and he said no I need to stay here because his kids get to spend time with the grandparents if we move they won’t see them. I said ok that makes senses but then he went on saying he likes being out there on his own and got a one bedroom apartment that he rents. Which to me seems very shady and he wants to be single. I asked him and he said “no babe our home is in Colorado I just stay here when am working” and what is going to stop him from bringing women over?? Ugh this sucks. Am happy and proud that he got back on his feet and got a job but don’t like the fact that he lives in a different state.

I do have his password from his email makes me want to go through it again and check what he is doing but trying to avoid that.

If he really wants to be on his own he needs to tell me so I can move on and figure what to do but he says he doesn’t want to break up

Need advise thanks

Reply November 11, 2014, 1:33 pm


Some couples are okay with sleeping around. But if he is misleading you and you want a monogamous, then I would think you should leave him and go see a psychologist to help with this transition.

Reply November 11, 2014, 3:51 pm


I want a monogamous relationship he says he does as well. I believe he needs some sort of counseling. Today I found out he was having some kind of relationship with the HR manger (who is married) from his work he said it was nothing more then flirting but omce she sends him an email saying hey baby I miss you and I love you soo much ehat am I to think and he said he broke it off with her .. what does that mean.. see he was having a relationship wiIch with her to break things off. And she was being so nice to me when we talked. Makes me sick am not sure what to do. :(

Reply November 12, 2014, 12:14 am


It is painful. At some point, you are going to have to realize he is deceiving you. I would think seeing a professional counselor, psychotherapy, psychologist or psychiatrist will cause less long term psychological damage. A counselor told me that you need to seek professional help within six months of a break up. Or you could read books. I would think that friends are not going to have the skill and energy to deal with this. But you can reach out to friends to.

Reply November 12, 2014, 12:58 pm


EVELYN, that sounds like narcissistic behaviour to me, if you are unfamiliar with narcissism, look it up as well as NPD(Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Constantly lying is one of the main trait. Good luck.

Reply November 12, 2014, 1:50 pm


Does insecurity really have to do with married men lying about their status. I believe it is about greed. Or like when a married man wants to have sex with his underage student. I don’t think that is insecurity. I’ve seen two friends have a nervous breakdown because married men said that they were getting a divorce. Both are seeing a psychologist. I don’t see how they protected these women with their lies. Quite the opposite. They set them up to become suicidal. The married man’s wife committed suicide six months later. If you live a lie to are headed for disaster.

Reply November 11, 2014, 1:18 pm


I’ve been called a liar for years. I was never caught in a lie. I’ve never told a lie. But for years women have not trusted me. I guess the bad apples have tarnished men’s image so much. That we may be better off confessing as liar and a hole, so we get credit for at least telling one truth.

Reply November 11, 2014, 1:05 pm


we were high school sweet hearts and he cheated …he came crawling back I said no, fast forward 20 yrs…He’s divorced (cheated on his wife ).. I’m seperated and we both agreed to be just friends /no relationships, omg the sex was awesome, he wined and dined me, I broke it off after 5 months.. “Payback” …he asked me why couldn’t we see each other I told him you will never taste this again I just wanted to see if you was any good in bed.. Of course I lied and told him it was OK. 2 days later mr. ” Im single ” posted his girlfriend on fb why do men lie unnecessary??

Reply November 7, 2014, 12:30 am


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Reply October 31, 2014, 2:38 pm


I don’t agree with this article. It really takes the blame off the person who is lying. These are pretty obvious reason why someone, not just a man would be scared to admit something. …but the truth is sometimes doing the right thing is hard.

Reply September 18, 2014, 1:40 pm


After years of bringing up children and looking after a sick parent, I have been dating my partner for a year. When we started dating it was purely a sexual relationship, I wanted some fun, and that suited both of us, but after 6 months we started to fall for each other….if anything him more than me. The last 3 months I have fallen deeply in love with him, he is kind, loving, kinky (which I love), attentive, a good friend and we have never had an argument and my children have grown to care about him. When we met I knew he was 9 !/2 years older than me. He looked okay for his age but I didn’t care. Yesterday he told me that he has lied since we met, he is 19 1/2 years older than me. I am not sure which I am more upset about, the fact that he is going to be retiring soon and I may have another elderly person to look after in the coming years, or that he lied for so long. Why didn’t he tell me before I fell in love with him? I am just gutted as I am just utterly addicted to him and we had started planning things for our future. I get that he was insecure about his age but that he feels younger than he is, but why not tell me after a few weeks or months? I just don’t know what to do.

Reply September 8, 2014, 4:34 pm


I would have never lied about my age. But I would guess most men would. I’d rather be single than deceive someone. I’m already prepared to be single my whole life because I’m at 44. Single mostly because controlling parents and workaholic. I am at the point where I just want to make amends for the sake of healing. If I need sex I just goto an escort.

Reply November 11, 2014, 1:14 pm


– it’s not only insecure behavior, but it also doesn’t allow for a real foundation to be built for a relationship. For a guy to be honest with you, he has to be secure enough in himself to know that you’ll still want him if he’s “real” with you. –

The quote above was all that needed to be said. It’s really simple. I’ve done the work on myself and I’m looking for a guy who has done his work as well. I live every step of my life in pure honesty with myself and others, even when it’s tough. if a guy hasn’t gotten to that point on his journey in life, he isn’t a good match for me. I’m not going to walk on eggs shells, hold myself back or give him rewards for good behavior like he’s an animal I have to train. Lying is a definite lack of character. He needs to be a man and not a lying little boy…period.

Reply August 24, 2014, 3:05 pm


I just saw this. You are obviously correct! Since then, I have done what I said. He has been having ‘social media temper tantrums’. It’s really sad because he had most of the qualities I want…but that lying is a deal breaker!

Reply September 7, 2014, 8:53 pm


Unfortunately the lying my guy does is getting out of hand. He has lied to keep me from going out, his health, it’s really bad. His insecurities are extremely low. I thought it would pass if he understood I really cared, but it hasn’t. I am now forced to keep him at arm’s length because I just don’t see it stopping. It’s the ‘benefit of the doubt’ lies that are just getting worse. And he wants me to move in…NO WAY! I want to call him out on it, but I fear it would cause damage, meaning he would shut down.

Reply August 24, 2014, 2:35 pm


Hi there I don’t even know where to begin, so many things are going through my head. And I’m trying to figure out why men at an old age, feel that is okay to talk to woman online when they are in a relationship and feel that it isn’t cheating cause they aren’t touching them (please explain someone)? Men lie they cheat but want to be in a relationship, why? I have been in this relationship for 17 years now, and I kinda blame myself cause I always take him back. I do everything for him , but it seems like it’s never enough. He has an excuse for everything and anything, he reminds me of an old perverted man who doesn’t want to grow up. All these things I just mentioned above, he does all of those and thinks he won’t get caught but he always does. I’m just so hurt and frustrated cause I treat him very well, from breakfast in bed lunch and dinner served to him. Make his food for work, everything but I guess it’s not enough for him to see that he has a good woman. I’m just so lost to a point where I’m not sleeping or eating well, and I have noticed I drink more wine than usually. Please help cause I cannot deal with this anymore, it’s destroying me and i have lost all confidence in my self. Thank you

Reply August 24, 2014, 6:36 am


So here is my situation, very confusing to me: I’m a former lesbian-I’m 44 and the last two years I have found that I have an interest in men(physically) for the first time. I hung out with a friend of mine one night, a planned bar night with friends I work with, and we got to talking and somehow I brought up that I’d only been with women but that I wanted to try being with a guy. He simply said well I’ll sleep with you. It threw me for a moment because I’m insecurely overweight and, though he doesn’t know my actual age, he is 28 and attractive. It turned out it didn’t work that night due to the level of intoxication, but I tried something I never thought I’d enjoy and I actually enjoyed it, more so than I ever did with a woman.
Three months went by and he was still benefiting, and I really wasn’t if you get technical. I enjoyed getting better and better at my skill and his enjoyment. He kept saying we would do that eventually, the deed, but it never happened because, after never exclusively dating he suddenly said he was kind of talking to a girl. Whether that is true or not, I assume it is because why would he give up what he was getting anytime he was up for it(it was always a friends with benefits situation with no expectations, except that I was hoping he’d at least fullfill his offer)? What I don’t get is, I thought a guys main goal is the actual deed, and even better with someone who has no experience. So why would he keep putting it off and then leave it undone after all? I still even question the exclusive situation because of just the lack of ‘showing it off’ like pics and comments like most people do in a new special situation, but maybe some guys are like that? Sorry for the extremely long and confusing comment.

Reply August 19, 2014, 7:21 am


I’ve been off and on with this guy since I was 13. I’m 21 now. I’ve experienced different men and I know what I want at this point in my life and that is him. But I don’t know how to make things work for the better. He lies to protect my feelings, but what he doesn’t know is that the lies hurt more than the truth. Hes a musician, he goes and he plays and comes home. I completely trust him, but he still lies about where he’s been or who he’s with. For example: tonight I texted him around 8 he texted me back, and I responded about my day. Before he had left to his show he said he would be home at 6. So after he had sent that one text he hadn’t texted me back again until 12pm saying he was sorry and he had gone home and went to sleep. Well…he didn’t know I had talked to his dad earlier that day around 11pm and he said he wasn’t even home yet. So he said he was home sleeping when he wasn’t. Another thing…when I’m ready to work on the relationship, he’s not ready, and when he’s ready to work on the relationship, he had pushed me away for so long that I got tired of him and I’m not ready to start “working on things”. We go back and forth with this all the time. I really don’t know what to do. And when we are together it’s more than just sex, we can talk most of the time about anything except us, and we do everything together. And we tell people we are together just there isn’t any awkward convos. But when people ask that we close to he says no we are friends, and he introduces me as a friend, and he avoids contact with me when his friends or family is around. But when we are alone or around my family he’s completely different.

Reply August 18, 2014, 5:07 am


WOW, your situation sounds so much like mine. I am much older than you are, I am 64. I divorced after 37 years of marriage. I fell in love with this guy when I was 15 years old. We dated for a short time in high school and went our different ways even though I still loved him. And yes, it was love. After my divorce he found me on and emailed me. He was married at that time but said he was going to leave because he was so unhappy. Well guess what…………..that didn’t happen. I will be honest and say we did see each other for about two years, always with the promise he was going to get a divorce. I FINALLY realized he wasn’t going to do that so I broke it off. Let’s say it was about 8 years later, he finds me on FB and sends me a friend request, which i started not to accept, but I did. He is now divorced, i made him send me a copy of the divorce papers, so we started seeing each other once again. I still love him just as I always have. I THINK he cares for me, which is fine, i realize you can’t make someone love you. We live a distance away so we only see one another one the weekends, but he never wants to go any where, he acts like he doesn’t want to be seen with me. He never compliments me and during the week he will TEXT now and again if he has time. However, when it gets close to Friday he is always wanting me at his house. And I am either stupid, or in love enough to be there. Oh, and as you stated, I am introduced as an ole HS friend.

Reply August 27, 2014, 10:14 am


I have been in your shoes ladies. I ended yrs ago. I hope you girls have left them. I couldn’t be with a guy who would act different in front of friends and family. If he wants to be with you and cares/loves you, he wouldn’t be ashamed and would want to take you out.

Reply February 6, 2016, 12:10 pm


I really need some one plez help. It’s been almost a year, I am married for 7 years. He has never been an easy man , but I love him. Well since we’ve been married something has always kept him from getting us our own place. We lived with his mom for a long time in Flordia . I followed him because in his wife, I’m old school . Anyway we have a normal up and down marriage. I found out he is very self centered and makes sure he comes first no matter what. Even when it comes to his kids or mom ! So after being fired 3 times he wants to move back to our home town. So I do it. Well things were great and for the first time in our marriage we got our own place. Well I got a job and I had to work alot and come and go different shifts. So he makes friends with a girl at his work and without me knowing is dating her, on top of that he joins a bowling league and also texts with one of the girls on his league, it even pissed his girlfriend off. He used the excuse that I had a boyfriend, and he was certain of that. Started being very mean and drank and made an ass of himself. I then found out I guess they had sex . I was devistated. I was so happy we got our own place , I was working and trying to make good money to help . Well I’ve tried to get past all his devious behavior , but I’m not happy. I don’t think I deserve how this whole thing came out. I am so afraid that he will do this again, and he still talks to the girl he bowls with , and he says he talks to the other one , once in a while. He feels its all over and lets forget about it, he’s one of theses ppl that never communicate . I love him but I really want to be happy and I’m not. Don’t think I ever will b with him again. But I can’t throw away another 7 years , and I’m getting to old for stupid drama in relationships . I am not well off and the car is in his name wih inch he reminds me off everyday. Among other mean things. Why is he so weird anymore . Plez help I’m getting to old to never go anywhere or do anything, I wrk 7days and 2-3 shifts a day. I need

Reply August 9, 2014, 1:56 am


Rose, I hate to tell you but he won’t change. If he does let these two ladies go, it will be someone else. I know 7 years is a time to be married, but I was married 37 years and called it quits. You deserve to be happy. I am not going to tell you it will be easy, I went to a counselor and also attended a Divorce Care class which really helped a lot. But it has been worth it. Don’t sell yourself short, be true to yourself.

Reply August 27, 2014, 10:23 am


Thank you so much eric,all your articles with differents topic helped me a lot and inspire me for moving on,i’ve learned my lessons.hoping for more email to come! Thanks!

Reply July 23, 2014, 5:08 am


Maybe a more pertinent question would be why do men so often do things they must lie about? It’s always about how we set them up to be liars, yet nothing about why the hell they do things that require a lie! If you can’t be honest, and if you find you rarely do honest things, then you really don’t belong with someone else.

Reply July 19, 2014, 2:24 am


I guess that is my frustration too. I’ve worked hard on myself not to do the things that encourage lying. I don’t do drama, am not overly emotional, and don’t have a vindictive nature. I assume good intentions until I’m given solid reasons to think otherwise. Even when relationships fizzle or implode, as mine always do, I simply speak my mind calmly and walk away. Begging, lashing out, or causing a scene are useless and beneath my dignity so I don’t do them. I learned that lesson in my early 20s and it has stuck.

Three things a man can count on from me are reasonable expectations, self control, and a pretty high degree of consistency.

I guess knowing that, and knowing that I’m not giving them reasons for the lame excuses, all I can do when faced with major deceit is walk away. I’m human and understand the “little white lies” about liking your dress when he doesn’t and such, but I don’t have time for the big stuff. I’m too old for it and more importantly, any man I’m dating is too old for it as well.

If this rationalizing and game-playing is the most I can expect even after I’ve done my part, I may very well be alone forever. My only comfort is that I’ve learned to cut my losses earlier in the process rather than stay around enduring one heartache after another trying to change someone.

Reply August 24, 2014, 8:45 am


Exactly!! :)

Reply August 24, 2014, 3:12 pm


Thanx Ashley will take look

Reply July 9, 2014, 3:50 pm


An amazing article, I could not agree with you more, thank you! The only thing I want to add is the possibility of someone lying as they simply happen to be a bad person. I was recently seeing a guy that I later on found out was seeing someone else at the same time, while he repetedly told me I was the only person he was with. This leaves me to the only conclusion I could think of, that he is simply a bad and deceiving person, en egoist.

Reply July 8, 2014, 3:44 pm


My partner and I have been together 9 years we’ve had ups and downs including lots of trust issues when my partner has been stupid but we have managed to move on and forgive. Recently I started to get a little suspicious again as my oh was on his phone a lot….I’ve found out he’s txt a woman everyday all the time mostly just chit chat but then I saw he said how much he misses her and her children and how he should be allowed to see her as I have a lot of friends(I have never once stopped him doing anything). He had mentioned her once before but I didn’t even know they were that good friends ! Then last week he went and saw this woman and her children but lied to my face that he was seeing an old male friend! There texts later that night just confirmed his visit saying it was lovely to see each other!!! Obviously I’m very upset I honestly don’t think they have slept together but it feels they are more than just friends! As who tells there mates (opp sex) how much they miss each other especially when they are in a relationship with someone else?? I confronted him and he was shocked I wanted to leave him as he swears nothing has ever happened and they are just best mates!! And have been for over 20 years but was too afraid to tell me about her cos she us female and he thinks I would have kicked off about it…I tried to tell him surely it would have been better to tell me rather than lie to me!! The thing that real upsets me is the lying?? I’ just don’t no how I can move on from this and be able to trust him n should I even give him another chance as he has let me down before!! I just do to understand why he would keep it secret and is that even a good enough excuse not tell me??!!! He thinks I’m over reacting??? Feel like I’m going mad :-( I don’t want to lose 9 years but not sure how to move on?? Thanks

Reply July 8, 2014, 1:14 pm


Sarah, look up a man named Tony A. Gaskins Jr. He has some awesome advice for ALL you ladies! You will defiantly find the answers your looking for and more.

Reply July 9, 2014, 12:06 pm


Sigh….you mean DEFINITELY
Definition of definitely (adv)
Bing Dictionary
def·i·nite·ly[ déff?nitlee ]
certainly: without a doubt
finally and unchangeably: as a conclusion after some thought or hesitation
exactly: in a precise way
de·fi·ant (d-fnt)
Marked by defiance; boldly resisting.
de·fiant·ly adv.

Reply July 11, 2014, 11:51 pm

Anna Coleman

I have been with a guy for 10 months now. All he seems to ever do is lie to me about smoking and ocasionally other drugs. He has promised so many times to stop and i always hear the same thing coming from his mouth, its actually kind of sickening how many times ive heard the same thing. He has even gotten fired from a job for this and he still continues to do it. Not only does he lie about it but when i always asked he always gets infuriated with me even when he really is lying. Also he will lie to me about who hes with and what exactly hes doing. And whenever i even ask he’ll get upset for acting like a “second parent” by asking who hes with and what hes doing no matter how many people and i talk to and they say that its normal. The lies have been going on for about 7 months and i dont know what to do anymore, he tells me that im the love of his life and that everytime he lies he regrets it so much and that hes so sorry, but yet he still continues to do it? What do i do.

Reply July 4, 2014, 10:14 am


When dealing with an addict or someone with an addictive nature, you are entering a whole other areana of issues. People who are impulsive wether male or female feel the need to lie to cover up there behaviors because they deep down inside are ashamed of there addiction. Just know this, an addict can deeply care or even feel love for someone but they are enslaved to there addiction and until they come to realize they have a problem and want to change for themselves, no amount of ultimatums, no amount of changes or else’s, will change them. You can not change a person. That person has to want it for them selves. Keep in mind that a person who is impulsive can also be very manipulative and convincing. Etc. I can’t tell you enough about additive behaviors have grown up around addicts all my life and waisted 8 years of my life with an alcoholic. Your not married, the relationship is still young, my advice is to distance yourself and rethink this relationship. Do your research. Best of luck to you.

Reply July 4, 2014, 11:13 am


he has told me multiple times that he has wanted to change for himself that he truly wants to stop and i told him i’d help him but i think that was just a lie too

Reply July 4, 2014, 11:22 am


He may want to change but he can’t do it on his own and you can’t do it for him. Do not allow him to pressure you or convince you that your the key to his success in quiting whatever it is he is doing. That is a key component that male addicts especially use on there female companions . Females are naturals nurtures. We want to love, be loved, needed and wanted. Addicts, say they need us, want us, and loves us. They need our help.. They need help but we can only give so much. The other person has to want to help themselves and even then no one can truly do it alone. It takes our lord and savor Jesus Christ to come in and mold us and shape us and help us. To many avoid him because they feel they are not worthy of his help. But the trueth is because of gods grace and mercy we are. You will never win this battle on your own. Neither will he.

Reply July 4, 2014, 12:05 pm


Pre, this is a red flag situation. This guy shows an extreme immaturity and an untrustworthy demeanor about himself. If he lies about the small things he will lie about the big things too. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to put up with his games or not? Sound like you have a prankster on your hands. Not good. Do not trust him with your finances, you need to have a separate account from his that he doesn’t know about. Also, do not get any big purchases with this guy like, homes, cars or major credit cards. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has already mentioned these things to you already. Keep a watchful eye on this guy especially where your finances are concerned.

Reply June 7, 2014, 9:54 pm


I feel like this…If something happens or is about to happen and you feel you have to lie about it then use good judgement and DONT DO IT! I know a lot of things are situational but as the old saying goes “Honesty is the best policy” When caught in lies you risk more than just trust ,but also respect and possibly a good partner. Everyone deserves to know the truth no matter how ugly or uncomfortable it is.

Reply May 12, 2014, 1:52 pm


I have a friend with benefits For over a year now he recently just told me that he has a girlfriend and he told me that when he’s committed he’s faithful and that he caresbut come to find out from one of our close friends that he does not have a girlfriend so why would he lie to me

Reply May 1, 2014, 7:03 pm


Lisa, there’s a couple difrent reasons it may be. One may be that he was trying to find a way to break of the sexual relationship with you. Perhaps he just didn’t want to be that way with you anymore and was trying to find a good way (in his eyes) to do it. Another thing may be that the friend could be mis-informed . Or perhaps he doesn’t have a girlfriend per say but another friend with benefits that you don’t know about. Either way friends with benefits is never a good idea because no matter how hard you try, someone’s emotions will always get involved. I would suggest you drop it and move on.

Reply May 2, 2014, 5:24 pm


Yea ur right but I know 4 a fact that he is not in a serious relationship im just confused. Why is he lying To me and making me feel like I’m the one that can’t commit And he so faithful and great why can’t men just grow up and tell us what they want

Reply May 2, 2014, 10:44 pm


LiI have moved on but he still calls me and deny’s That he has other friends with benefits and that he So committed to this girl friend that does not exist we were friends Before the sexual relationship why couldn’t He just Talk to me And tell me the truth. I don’t understand we would tell me everything. but thank you so much really love The advice….

Reply May 2, 2014, 11:21 pm


Lisa, that is why I say it is never a good ideas for a female to become a mans “friend with benefits”. Here is the delema in that. As a female we operate out of out emotions. We are natural “lovers and nurtures” it is almost impossible for a female to be “friends with benefits” to a man and her feelings not become emotionally involved somewhere down the road. Because the issue of him lying to you bothers you so much I can clearly see that your emotional feelings towards this man have become involved wether you want to admit it or not I am only stating the obvious dear. You may very well be a awesome catch for a potential mate. However when we present ourselves wrong to the opposite sex, we have set the mood for the future of that relationship. When you agreed to be “friends with benefits” to him that’s exactly what you became. No less. You have him the perks of a relationship (sex,friendship,conversation,ect) without him having to commit. So when he decided he didn’t want to do it anymore (boredom, not into it anymore) or whatever his personal reason was, it was easy for him to move on to the next because there was no commitment there. He had his fun and now he’s done. Let it go sweety and try not to fall into the “friend with benifit” trap ever again

May 3, 2014, 7:57 pm


Lisa, hopefully you can walk away from this situation knowing that the “lust/infactuation” stage has simply fallen away….it’s normal and human.

If you want to avoid this in the future, then build a good foundation with a man, build emotional intimacy and use your vibrator in the meantime until you trust him and only then should you sleep with a man.

A FWB situation to a female is the worst you can put yourself in. You deserve better. It’s a wonderful feeling when a man wants and desires you beyond sex and if you follow the above you’ll experience the awesomeness of it.

He is someone who’s likely trying to save you feeling hurt. Show your strength and move on. Smile and be polite. Look amazing and find the great life you deserve. Dont ever go back to FWB with him or another male !!!

Reply May 6, 2014, 7:37 pm


Ajiri Ovie, sounds to me like your a rebound chick to this man. He couldn’t make it work with the other girl so he decided to bounce back to a girl he knows, someone he’s familiar with. YOU! Look, this guy is bad news, chances are he’s just with you until he can find someone he thinks is better. Men don’t to often refuse sex unless they are under a lot of stress and even they. They still have sex! Lol he may be cheating on you. Like I said, trying to find something he likes better. Don’t ever allow yourself to be a mans second choice! Drop is butt!

Reply April 21, 2014, 9:28 pm


Love your advice Ashley. You’re spot on.

Reply May 6, 2014, 7:39 pm


Hey there I need some advice too :/
I have been with a guy for like 5 years, we were high school sweethearts and now we’re in college together. We live together so that we can save some money. He is my bestfriend and we do everything together; we were even going to major in the same thing until I switched career paths. Recently he has started talking to an attractive girl in his class (they actually have all their classes together) and she was even “generous” enough to let him borrow her books for a class she had already taken. She came to our apartment and dropped them off. I recently discovered that they have all their classes together and walk to class together. He is an amazing guy and attractive; he is so supportive and sweet, but I find him to keep things away from me that involve this “chick”. He gets awkward when I ask him about her or he gets mad. I just want to tell her to back off! But then I realize-people will do whatever they desire & I do not need to be on his a** about it because he should know better. Both of our families are really close and they even talk about us getting married one day. His family loves and my family loves him. He has lied to me about texting her, walking to class with her, sitting in class with her, and about group projects they have to do together. I do not understand- the fact that they are friends does not bother me, what bothers me is the fact that he continues to lie and keep things from me. I have already had talks with him and he continues on saying that she’s nothing to worry about, but also gets mad. Help?! What do I do?! It is really hard to be in college while worrying about this :(

Reply April 10, 2014, 7:23 pm


Jasmin! Sweety, pull the blind folds off your eyes! Girlfriend he lying to you. Men are incapable of keeping an attractive female especially as “just a friend”. Females are more capable of keeping males as friends then a male a female. Females are emotional beings. We think with our hearts. Men are not wired the same as we are. They can’t help but think with there “man hood” men multiply. They are hard wired for it. You leave them with a good lookin piece of meat long enough baby they gonna bite! He’s young and a lot of times men need to get sex put of there system at an early age. They need to experience sex with difrent mates. Females sometimes want this to but no where near as much as men want it. Look, if you really love this guy, test his butt. Tell him you want to meet his friend and set up a lunch or dinner date with all y’all. If he gives you a hard time about it and refuses them Something’s up and You may want to approach the female in a tastefull way and ask her what her intentions are. If he’s keeping her from you then it’s for a reason. U dont know what he’s telling her. So ask.

Reply April 13, 2014, 1:35 am


i had been in a relationship for four years..i have always doubted that my boyfriend was lying to me. he always told me that he loves me..he was in a previous relationship and is staying in the same house as his girlfriend. we rarely see each other at times only three times a month. he has a son with this other woman. he never took me to visit his home..and said that he had plans for us in the future. so please tell me where did i go wrong?

Reply March 26, 2014, 6:03 am


Edlina, first of all never ever get with a man who is already in a relationship. With that being said, you should have stopped that relationship 4 years ago when it started before your emotions had got involved. He is playing you like a violin sweetly. U have allowed this to go on for so long and he knows how to manipulate your emotions now. What makes you think he doesn’t tell his baby Moma whom he lives with that he loves her too? He’s not gonna leave her. You are his side thing. You deserve better. Don’t mess with another woman’s man unless you would want the same done to you.

Reply April 10, 2014, 4:40 am


I had a guy tell me “I love you” everyday then one day we get into a arguement because he said my pictures were ok he had never said that before but now he’s saying he never loved me it’s just backwards I don’t whether to believe it or not but I broke up with him yesterday

Reply October 22, 2013, 1:42 am

juliette iradukunda

I think men need to be taught how to respect their women from a young age and maybe half of the problems they create will be avoided.

Reply October 18, 2013, 8:11 pm


If you call yourself being in a relationship, and all you’re doing is ling, cheating, and sneaking around on your partner then you don’t need to be in a relationship. period. and that goes for a man or a woman. LADIES if your man is ling to you and cheating on you and you gave him chance after chance after chance, and you see no type of progression, nothing is changing? LEAVE HIS ASS! Because what he wasn’t doing for you, another man will. simple as that ! These men think we are supposed to take them back after they dog us out time after time. HELL NO ! Ladies it’s time we start giving these “men”, (I put that in quotes because to me a man doesn’t lie and cheat and sneak around, little boys do.) a taste of their own medicine. We need to show them that they can’t not and will not keep getting away with the things they do. They playing games like they will never lose us ladies! We need to show them that we mean something and that if they are going to continue to lie and all of the above, we soon will not be looking at them anymore, but looking past them.

Reply October 2, 2013, 10:15 pm


This makes me very sad. I read all these stories about others relationships.. and I wonder why are men are still such dirtbags? dont get me wrong (women are too but seems like men are more).
I have been with mine for 3 1/2 yrs.. he is a great guy takes care of me and does anything for me.. but yet he still seeks attention from other women.
(I swear he cant have girls just as friends.. which makes me soo mad).
He likes to talk to women online on a sexual level and lie about not having a gf and plays the victom that his ex cheated on him (which of course not talking about me.. talking about his ex) Which he did get cheated on lied to treated bad taken advantage of, Not only with strangers he meets but with women I know which makes me look more of an idiot when I see them or talk to them.. becuase he tells them one thing and I I tell them another.. and yes I know they are not true friends.. and makes it hard for me to have true girlfriends
Here I am like an idot being faithful to him honest loving caring and him doing this to me behind my back… and I do think we have a great relationship. besides him doing what he does.. and I am not sure if he has ever cheated on me with women he meets or that I know.
I have told him in the past to be honest with me becuase I have seen naked pics of women on his phone (conner of my eye) when we are watching tv.. and he still denies it and doesnt show me pics.. I am not stupid.. I love the guy but how much more can I take.. I feel like a big idiot!!

Reply September 18, 2013, 12:37 pm


Thank you. You dont know how much this has enlightened me. Ive been tired of wishing things could be different but I realized the more I wish things to be different the more I push reality and the real answers away from myself. I have come to the conclusion that the only way to liberate my mindset is to accept things as they are. I cant change other people. But I can accept why people do the things they do so I can get what I need from the situation the best I can to meet my own needs. I appreciate your fairness- it has made all the difference for my understanding.

Reply September 18, 2013, 4:27 am


A guy I was dating for two years lied about having a child. I’m still dazed and confused as to why he would do this. I’m very hurt. I haven’t gotten an answer from me. I still care about him. If he had just told me from the get go we would have avoided any arguments. The whole time I just thought maybe he was hiding a girlfriend or a wife or he was ashamed of me. He treated me like a friend and girlfriend and it wasn’t a booty call relationship but a real relationship. So I’m just confused why he did this

Reply August 31, 2013, 8:44 am


I think these reasons are honestly a lot of crap specially when a man just lies because he feels like it. My ex lied to me about where he lived, about not driving, about work and mostly everything and this was in the first week of meeting each other. Point taken, he didn’t want to drive to my house, neither see me out of school environments but he didn’t have to be so obvious about it, however when we saw each other we were really passionate with each other, what gives?

Reply August 17, 2013, 7:55 am



Reply October 2, 2013, 10:18 pm


He sounds lazy and using you while you’re around. You say he’s passionate when you see each other but makes not effort to “drive” to you. Maybe the rest was to impress you but if the guy doesnt go out of his way to see you, that’s the biggest red flag I could ever evidence.

The first thing you should look for in a man is if he spends TIME with you in a NON-SEXUAL way. If he doesn’t, he is using you for either an ego boost or a bang. You’re no-one’s FallBack Girl. All women should be loved not used like this.

Reply May 6, 2014, 7:44 pm


Hey there,
I know this thread has been exhausted but I’m just looking for an outlet here because I too have a lying boyfriend. We have been together for almost two years and our relationship has had its bumps but we managed to get through these hurdles with our adoring bond and mutual respect for one another. I never questioned the latter until recently when I found out that he lied to me about having any kind of sexual relationship or history with his best female friend.
When I had asked five months prior he made the question sound absurd, reassuring me that his current relationship with her was nothing to worry about. In fact I didn’t even question their sexual history with suspicion or distrust but out of curiosity, trying to understand how this person fits in. I never distrusted him because I assumed he was being honest. I have no baggage from past relationships to ever make me think he wasn’t telling the truth. I guess thats called naivety. I found out it was a lie after he confessed to having sex with her over the years dozens of times, in the middle of a fight about another lie that he had told me. I didn’t even ask in the fight, he just told me to hurt me.
I’m very bitter and resentful about this issue. Despite us reconciling after this mess I don’t know if I should continue the relationship. I never mistrusted him before, I always admired him for his seemingly honest nature. But now I’m not sure that he won’t do it again. He says he lied to avoid drama, that he didn’t want me to stop him from hanging out with her or put any controlling restrictions on his life. And he didn’t want to ruin a good thing. But he just delayed the inevitable. But had he been honest I wouldn’t even think to do that at the time. Now I don’t know what to do. He has never shown signs of straying but should I make him choose between his best friend and me? Do you think I should trust that their sexual past is cold dead now?

Please, I need some guidance here, ladies and gentlemen.

Reply July 15, 2013, 9:25 am


Leave him period. Heads up in case its still not
Clear, you’ve been hanging out with a liar. He’s been cheating on you. Has no respect for you or himself. The rest is noise. If you stay your letting the world know you have little self respect and your allowing this immature fool know its ok to keep insulting, abusing, lying, and have sex with his “friend”. Locate the courage your born with and just leave…just walk out, no note, call, last talk….leave with your selfrespect.

Reply September 18, 2013, 4:43 am


you seem to give good advice so I have a question for you. I met these two foreign gorgeous men over doing break and we did hook up. One could tell I like the other guy more and he even mentioned it. before that he had gone on and on about how they played cricket at USC. well I did a little research and they play soccer at a small college near USC. I know it was just spring break and I won’t see them again but part of why it was so fun to be around them how they said they hate liars and arnt like that. now I feel like the memory of a great weekend is ruined with lies . why do u think he said that I was thinking maybe because as an athlete he wasn’t supposed to be partying? someone from break posted a pic of him on the beach onFacebook and it was quickly removed?! or maybe he was trying to impress me? but why cricket? that’s such a stupid sport? I just want to know because it would have been a great memory dispite this lie.

Reply March 24, 2014, 2:01 pm


hi sam….my partner lied to me as well the same as yours. He told me his bestie and him new each other from primary school! Their nicknames and affectionate relationship I never questioned….I got to know her…I love her to bits and I understand why he couldn’t let that friendship go…they are no longer sexually attracted to each other…but care for each other I can tell…initially it hurt like hell when I learnt their connection was from a short 7 day fling. Yes they both new each other at school but not well to be besties. He loves me dearly and hates he hurt me. advise get to know her and get to know their friendship…if it is attraction you will spot it. Some people can’t just switch off especially when they have found a good friend.

Reply February 26, 2015, 10:46 pm


Hi I recently ended things completely with this guy I was dating for a couple of months, yeah so heres the situation, he started off really keen and infatuated at first(as most guys do). He would call/text me constantly take me out on dinner dates etc. We honestly just clicked like it was already so real right away. the way he would talk to me about certain things, and just hold my hand, you know small things but somehow they made a big impact like never before. Then out of nowhere he slowly distanced himself completely. I recently found out he had gotten back with an ex well almost certain. I just can’t believe that was all just a lie? Was it? Was I taken for a sucker? Just don’t understand. It really hurt and it’s so hard to let it go.

Reply July 2, 2013, 10:18 am


Hey Crystal,
This kind of scenario happens all the time. It’s called dating. If a man and woman haven’t consummated their commitment, verbally, chances are one, or both are not ready for the relationship. Dating is the testing phase. You get to dip your feet in, splash around, test the waters, have a snack by the waters, but you don’t always dive in. I don’t think you should think it was a lie, I’m sure he found the experience valuable in some way or another, and therefore you should to. Sometimes one person feels a stronger bond than the other but if it’s not an equal appreciation and interest then it’s not meant to be. What you should do now is remember the things you liked about him, take note and look for these things in a future mate, and remember the things you didn’t, like moving forward too quickly and then letting go. You can’t become so vulnerable right away, some men need to earn that. Don’t be discouraged or heart broken, dating happens. I wish you luck and I hope I could help!

Reply July 15, 2013, 9:36 am


This is an eye opener for me especially the sample scenario. Thank you.

Reply June 21, 2013, 11:08 am


Hi Eric,
I met a guy at a club about a month and a half ago. Initially I was not too into him and he knew it. But we kept in contact after we met. Initially he bombarded me with text messages for the first 2 weeks until we caught up again on a date. He made a big impression with the first date. So I met up with him again…we started to kiss and I then felt he wanted to take it further as it was his apartment and we were alone. Offcourse I would have love to have sec as well…since I started to get attracted to him, but I wanted more than sex from him. I wanted to get to know him…so I told him the same, and said I’d like to wait. He agreed. We then kept in contact every day. In fact if I did not text him he’d text me and apologise for not contacting me during the day since he was busy at work…wish I found really very sweet. We’d then text the whole evening…flirting…sending each other photos….telling each other what turned us on etc. But he did not make any effort to take me out to dinner…wanted to always catch up for a drink….was fine with me. Then eventually he made an effort to catch up for lunch on his day off work. It was a working day for me, but since I work for myself, I made an effort to meet him. It was a lovely afternoon we exchanged thoughts of what we are after in each other…and the future. I asked him if he was after just fun or a relationship for the future. He said
” we are all after something for the future” , so I thought good he’s on the same page as myself. We kissed at the restaurant and hugged on the way to my car and kissed again in public.
We then kept in contact as usual. One Friday a couple of weeks now…I text him during the day and said ” what a beautiful day , nice to be at the beach” , his response was “nice to be having sex” . I said with whom ? your dream lover? , he came back say ” with you lol ! ” . I then also felt that I wanted to take the relationship to the next level , so I asked him if he was free Saturday night …I told him I had movie tickets. Anyway to cut the story short he could not make it to the movies with me but told me he’d meet me after if I was out, as he was catching up with his friends (female) for drinks. I was okay with that as they were the same girls he was hanging out with when we met. Anyway come Saturday I was to meet him at the club and then found out that evening that the drinks with his friends were cancelled as they were all very tired. But he caught up with me at the club. I was supposed to go to the club with my friends, so he came along with his female flatmate. I told me about the new flatmate the last time we met for lunch. I was okay with it. But was not aware he was going to show up with her to the club. When I met her I was sort off intimidated as she was pretty and only 28years old Russian. Anyway I put that aside. In the course of conversation with her, she told me that he took her to another club the night before ( I was ok with this too to some extent, as they lived in the city and she was new to the country). My friends wanted to leave the club early so I asked him if I can come sleep at his apartment on the couch. He looked at he and said I would not sleep, I looked at him as said okay but you’d have to take me home by 7.30am as my daughter will be back by 8am. He then sighed and said he likes to sleep in on a Sunday…..and then added that he had to pick up his son as well (the son bit even if true, was not that early ). I was so upset to hear him say he could not do what I asked for taking into consideration it would have been the first time we would have been intimate. I left the club upset. He left me at the door and kissed me and asked me to text him when I get home. But this is when everything started to get ugly for me. I was tipsy, I text him saying to lose my phone number. Then the next day I realised what I had done, and realised that I really liked him, and did not want to lose him. So I text him apologising…twice. In my second text messages apologising I mentioned that if there was nothing between us we can be friends. No response on Sunday. So I called Monday evening…and explained myself again…and said the same thing about being friends …he then asked me why I was stressing out. I said I stress for everything. He said he’d call me the next night, but did not call, so I text him to find out if he was angry, he said no he was turned off with the situation. …hmmm I was upset…with him and myself as well….but I did not say that …I asked him to forgive me the one time and he said there was nothing to forgive, why can’t I leave it and we say friends.
I asked him if he’d come out to dinner with me…he said ” That would be nice” He said most probably Thursday …but said he’d confirm the next day (Wednesday) I waited Wednesday there was no contact from him, so Thursday morning I text him and said I could not make the dinner as something had come up. I also said that I was thinking of us being just friends…. and said he was right that attraction has a use by date….take care.
He came back saying “ ? we can be friends if you like….about tonight…I understand”
Since then he has not contacted me. I thought it its best I back off as I looked needy and desperate….even thought it was partly his fault. Do you think he’d ever contact me again. I am just finding it hard to forget him.
Sorry about the lengthy email.

Reply May 28, 2013, 6:01 am


You left out the #1 reason people lie: to get what they want when they couldn’t get it honestly.

Very few people really hold honesty as a value. I learned this the hard way, when I got run over by a very good friend in a professional situation. She lied her face off and ruined a professional opportunity for me just so she could get in on the action. It was disgusting.

Look for the people who won’t lie, even when it’s to their advantage to do so. There are a few people like that out there. You can trust them.

Reply May 5, 2013, 10:44 am

Eric Charles

Definitely… and agreed.

Reply May 5, 2013, 3:07 pm


Can you help me. I’ve been seeing a guy now for about 5 weeks, he bought me a brand new phone after 4 but says he doesnt want any kind of committment or relationship. He also avoids my questions if i ask him if he’s seeing anyone else and i’ve also found out hes lying to me too as he tells me that he’s trying to sleep or whatever yet i can see when he’s online through his phone and also when he’s using whatsapp and when he was last seen on the site. Also he’s giving me mixed signals so i don’t know whether he’s interested or not even why he bought me the phone. It wasnt a cheap one either. it was quite an expensive smartphone. I’m so confused

Reply April 27, 2013, 6:20 pm


Don’t sell yourself for a smartphone. Find an honorable guy. He IS being honest, partly: he has told you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He is lying about his activities and that’s not going to change.

Dump this guy. You are clearly looking for more than he wants to give.

Reply May 5, 2013, 10:46 am


I would like some advice please. I’m in my late 40’s as is my boyfriend. I’ve known him since high school and we recently met up again, in nov. 2012. We started dating the next week and the week after he told me he thought he was falling in love with me. Here is where I need the advice. He’s been married 2x and divorced from both. His 1st marriage ended badly and her bf moved in the day after “Bill” moved out. He married his 2nd wife so she would health insurance. It seems like I’ve been living with the ghosts of these women ALOT especially the past few weeks. One night he pointed out every place he ever lived w/his 2nd wife, bragged about a ceramic statute his 1st ex wife made that he kept on his kitchen table, until I told him I thought that was odd then he told me he gave it away. I found it in his closet. And he lies to me about talking to another girl he went to school with. Oh yeah, she told him lies about me when we first started dating. Needless to say I don’t have much respect for her, which he can’t seem to understand. He NEVER apologizes for lying to me and turns it all back onto me. Then basically tells me if I’m not going to get over it then I should just leave. I’ve tried to talk to him about his lying, I’ve told him lies and omitting parts of the truth are NOT okay and that honesty is always the best policy with me. Anyway. It’s all my fault, when I said that he didn’t even apologize for lying, he said sorry, but it wasn’t sincere and I don’t think I should have to ask for an apology. I would think he’d be sorry all on his on without my prompting. It’s over 24 hrs later and he still hasn’t called and doesn’t seem to care that his actions have hurt me. Not to mention how caustic his words are when we do have words. Should I be concerned that he keeps talking about his ex wives. He’s even leaving money to the second in his will and was all excited when he found out she was spending a lot of weekends up near where I live. I don’t know. The more I type the more pathetic I sound. I don’t want drama or head games and maybe I’m being overly sensitive but I feel so run over. Any advice or opinions will be appreciated. Thanks.

Reply April 7, 2013, 6:30 pm


Ok, here it is…He lies to you, you lie to him. Your both in your late forties; your using an online site to get advice for a man who mistreats you. He hasn’t called because he has zero respect for you because you have zero respect for yourself. I can see and hear in your own words. Call me rude or a bitch but I’m right. I hope you can see that your dating a loser. A loser is a person who lies, cheats, doesn’t communicate (i.e. call you back when you are clearly suffering). However, your doing all this to yourself. I don’t even think you should be dating men at all. I think you need to get your act together (your personal life). Get on your feet, get some self-esteem and STOP dating loser men who lie to you, cheat on you, take other girls over you. You knew this guy was a joke when you met him. So how much you wanna bet if you had lots of money, your own house, great job, taking care of business which is YOU, not for one minute would you put up the likes of some silly lying douche bag guy. If your on here complaining about the guy your sleeping with, you got big problems…dump his ass and learn how to act and be the great catch you want in a man. Good luck.

Reply April 7, 2013, 9:16 pm


But I haven’t lied to him. Although, I appreciate your bluntness and honesty. Thank you. He finally did text me to say good night and to accuse me of snooping, which I did not do! Anyway, you’re right I need to be better to myself. I guess I just needed to hear it from an unbiased party that his actions are disrespectful and not just hurtful.

Reply April 7, 2013, 9:38 pm



I am a man in a relationship with a woman that I have lied in. We have lived together for 5 years as domestic partners.

1st thing was that I let my car insurance go unpaid and didn’t tell her about it. My thought was that I would just pay the fees and get the insurance back and make sure I don’t let the payments slip again by setting up email notifications. I was called a liar for not telling her about this.

2nd was that I started smoking cigarettes again and was hiding that fact from her, so I am a liar.

3rd was getting a new job in which other girls worked at the same time and she was very jealous and accused me of flirting when I wasn’t. She said I shouldn’t be at the cash register talking to them. I was the cashier and the females were also employees who frequently needed supplies from the office right next to the cash register.

I walked out of the job one night because she was calling me and accusing me of flirting. She told me not to tell anyone what was going on. One night she called my work and the “girl” answered the phone and she freaked out saying “What is she doing answering the phone?” She should be doing her job. I said “She works here, so she has every right to answer the phone…” I told this girl how my girlfriend freaked out over her answering the phone.

I was called a liar for telling that girl what happened when I said I wouldn’t. I just though it was hysterical that my girlfriend is freaking out, because an employee other that me answered the company phone…

4th was that I decided to buy and try “incense.” She noticed I was stoned and called me a liar for not telling her about it. I wanted to just enjoy it by myself without her lecturing me and making me feel like a drug addict.

5th was that I bought a electronic cigarette that I hid from her because she would lecture me and nag me every time I went to use it just like she did when I smoked real cigarettes. I left it in the bathroom one day and she found it and called me a liar for not telling her about it.

She said she didn’t want me vaping in the bathroom because it was harmful to her lungs. I didn’t honor her request and continued to use it in the bathroom because from the research I have done online the vapor is relatively harmless and dissipates rather quickly. Anyways she called me a liar because I said I wouldn’t use it in the bathroom and did. I only said I wouldn’t so she would stop pestering me about it and because I knew that the vapor was harmless and she was being overly dramatic like I was releasing toxic waste into the air she was breathing.

Anyways, she now labels me as a pathological liar who cant be trusted.

A little bit about me. I am 31 years old, got my GED, did 4 years in the AirForce, I play guitar and piano at an advanced level, I am an IT Network Administrator and I like playing MMORPG’s, which she enjoys playing as well. I have never been in jail or even arrested. I have never had a driving ticket.

I feel that I “lie” because I just want to resolve problems that I create on my own. Hiding use of drugs is because she would lecture me and make me feel like a drug addict, just as she has done countless times, even though I am a highly intelligent functioning member of society.

Based on that, would you say I am a pathological liar?

Reply March 21, 2013, 4:00 pm


TheDude – I don’t really think you’re a pathological liar. Not really. I think you’re just taking the low road for the short term, which is costing you in the long term. It is eroding your relationship. Know what I mean?

I think you know deep down what you need to do… what you HAVE to do if you want to turn this thing around…. and what you have to do even if this thing ends if you ever want to have a decent relationship at all with anyone ever.

You need to start telling the truth. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Now, is that an indictment? No, quite the contrary…. I am trying to set you free from the jail you are putting yourself into.

So, OK. Let’s start with the vapor. Tell her that you are doing your damn best to stop smoking and that you bought the vapor to do just that. Make her read up on it. Have her get some spray or something, but tell her that you are going to use whatever crutch you have to in order to get off nicotine and that you’d like a little support on this – please and thank you very much!

And you know what else? Does she use room deodorizers? Hair spray? I’d be willing to bet they are worse.

The girls at work – unless you have a history of cheating on this woman, this behavior is over the top. Even if you do, she has no right to call you at work. That is a place of business. I don’t know why people think it is OK to call work places unless it is an emergency. Your employer probably has a policy.


do sound just like the person you described yourself to be – “a highly intelligent functioning member of society.” And I thank you deeply for your service to our country. Be THAT man. Sit your woman down and tell her it’s time for a heart to heart talk. That you need be be able to be totally open and honest with her about everything without fear of retribution. List these things for her and tell her you do not want to be belittled or berated and that you are not pathological but you were just taking the low road and you are sorry. Then tell her that she can expect your honesty from here on out, but in return you will expect her to be also be an adult, not a mother.

One word of advice – and this is not a lecture – only one hit at a time with that incense. I’ve seen it do some scary things. Seriously. Not usually… but one time is one time too many. It’s just too damn bad that things had to take the path they did when they made the natural stuff illegal… then nobody would have to worry about getting poisoned with things that we have no way of knowing the ingredients.

Reply March 24, 2013, 1:09 am


If these things are that important to you to do, you should do them. She can then decide whether she can deal. It shouldn’t be that you have to lie and sneak to keep the relationship. Be real with each other and go forward together or apart.

Reply December 19, 2013, 7:54 am


This whole idea that men “don’t want the drama, so they lie” is completely stupid. The simple fact is that when you lie, you create intense drama at a later date. All lies actually are a self-fulfilled prophecy on the road to freaky drama. It’s just a method of delaying the inevitable, and likely to get the man into worse trouble than if he had been truthful in the beginning. I’ve seen people (men and women both) end up needing medical attention because of their own lies.
Don’t want drama? Don’t lie. There is never a need for a lie in a relationship. If things aren’t working, they aren’t working. Move on instead of playing petty little games. I believe anyone who misleads or lies (male or female) is completely insecure – even more insecure than the person who gets upset about being lied to. There is no excuse that justifies the behavior of spreading deceit. Lying is weakness.
I want a partner who is strong enough to look me in the eye and tell me the truth, even when the truth is something I don’t want to hear. I think this is far more respectful and honorable. A person who lies is really a little kid who needs to find a daddy or mommy.
Lying is immature. Grow up already and be an adult if you want a real relationship.
I’m sorry if I sound bitter, but I’ve been lied to and it never does anything but create more anger and drama. If you want strife, go ahead and lie. But don’t sit back and whine and cry and bellyache about how bad you’ve got it. Stop making excuses for being a wimp.

Reply March 21, 2013, 3:34 pm


Nicely said ‘V’!
I’ve experienced lying men in my past as well.
A relationship is not ‘real’ if there are lies involved!!!

Reply July 29, 2013, 3:20 am


I married a man who continuously lied and yes you are right it creates so much drama which he claimed to hate and yet he lied upon more lies for 20 years despite the evidence of it creating heartache and plenty of drama.

When I left him, he came back promising me he would never lie. It’s been 3 years and so far so good.

Reply May 6, 2014, 7:47 pm

Lucy Montes

Omg….This is too funny! I just realized I’m replying to comments on this page that are old. Please, update. Thank you

Reply March 11, 2013, 6:41 am


That’s OK we all come back here year after year. Dating advice doesn’t change that much. Keep commenting. I love reading the comments.

Reply May 6, 2014, 7:48 pm


Of course, one other reason a man will lie is if he is cheating. And with the statistics showing that a great number of men will cheat, this means that those men are also lying.

Cheaters always lie. They have to. It isn’t as though they are going to come home and come right out with the truth.

If only more women would put a foot down, maybe there would be less of it. Imagine if all men knew what would happen the first time… not the second or the third.

Reply March 1, 2013, 11:56 pm


Hi All,

I think many women have gut instincts that they need to listen to earlier on in the relationship. If they ignore them and they end up being really hurt, the best thing they can do is reallty use it as a learning experience.
That way, once you have been with a liar you know what the warning signs are should ypu come across another liar in the future.
I used my experience to catch him out big time. He was on a dating site (a religious one), and tried to charm me with amazing love affirmations. I met up with him and we clicked immediately, he spoke about having a future together etc etc. I listened to my gut instincts and they were telling me to watch out. So I did, i caught him out quick smart without him even knowing and I was right.
It felt great to actually do this and for the second time in my life, I felt empowered and not taken advantage of. I was also able to protect my children from being involved with this man as a potential brady bunch family in the future. Living with a liar. Not happening.
I am still in the process of being undercover as I just found out today. I see it as his loss and my gain now.
I will go into detail about the steps I took down the track. I am now releasing myself early from what could have potentially destroyed me in the future.

Reply February 24, 2013, 9:04 am


My boyfriend lies like all the time for unknown reasons. He secretly bought a vape when I told him not to! And when I asked him about it, he was just avoiding the issue and said stuff like “let’s just break up, you’re gonna leave me anyway..” what should i do? and i think he is video calling with other girls on skype because he wont tell me his password and he says he can’t go out of the house but i think he can but he just doesn’t want to see me.. I don’t know what to do, he’s acting like a jerk but I love him. And we’re already 2 years. Help asap.

Reply February 5, 2013, 1:08 pm

Flying Solo

Ya know…Men got the power if we let them think they do.Ladies we are strong in our own right and don’t need proof or passage of a man to make it so.Realizing this is half the battle. Why do you think you need a man to be whole and complete? God already made us whole and complete…Just sayin. I own my home. bring home the bacon and feed and clothe and love my kids.I don’t need a man to complete me. I’m already whole and complete.

Reply February 2, 2013, 1:26 am

tkeya nowell

I believe guys don’t get how we feel but if we do it to them then they go calling us names its like really you f—– lied to me if i go cheating on you then your ass will be heartbroken
why cheat???? If i treat you like you treating me then I hope you learn from it all i want you to know is that it isnt fair

Reply February 1, 2013, 8:16 pm


I just wanted to say that what you say, “trying to make a better understanding of behavior men inparticularly have.” It should be okay, and dealable that a untruthful, possibly decoeving man or woman is alright because of nature. Though you don’t closely look at the fact that maybe women feel enraged by the lies because we know for some many of us actually have the capabilities of being genuinely loyal, and kind hearted enough through a true relationship, that we do know the existance of it is even possible. And I don’t mean that being genuinely loyal means you will not throw in a white lie occasionally, but it does mean that you as a person know, and care enough of yourself and your loved one, you will not continue to think twice about the injury and yet make the wrong choice. Is it really that bad for people to adapt to good nature over bad? I believe that we all look for someone else that feels the strongest towards eachother equally enough to balance the painful encounters by understanding, respecting, and fixing the problem. We just hope that when the problem is fixed, no side has any emptyness, or bitterness because that wouldnt be the great and very possible relationship I just described now would it. Oh, and men. If you just actually try.. she might not even get mad. But trying to a woman isn’t telling the truth but leaving useful but unesessary things out all the time nor is it you being truthful only half the least i don’t find cowards manly or attractive at all. If you try to be honest because that’s how you want to treat her than do it. The easyest way to know if she is going to love you forever, is to do that. She wont leave for good no matter what, as long as you know how to talk to a lady politely, and give her the truth. Now who you are inside is what decides all of your relationships fate. A truly selfish child of a man or woman will never love. So face reality, and find your inner self if you think you deserve love without giving it back.

Reply January 10, 2013, 2:28 am


i wanted my ex bf to realized than why he hids our pictures from his facebook,than why im so mad ..i wanted him to feel all the bad things he did to me

Reply December 12, 2012, 11:40 pm


after me and my ex boyfriend had an arguements and he said goodbye and i replied goodbye too cos i felt insulted and very emotionally and mad..right after,few minutes he unfriended me on his facebook and deleted all those post and pictures i tagged.what shall i do? all our pictures he hids even our ltest pictures that we took on my BIRTHDAY.THAT IS WHY IM SO UPSETS. if i’ll asked him about facebook he said im making facebook so seriously,whilst he posted his picture with thr MMAring girls and some other girls.i hate him.but he said im only making things through my head.while i saw his girls comments and his liked and comments to girls.i wanted him to feel how mistakes he is for doing this to me,i wanted him to feel the rejections and makes him to realized and crawling

Reply December 12, 2012, 10:25 pm


I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years.. I recently been checking his email without him knowing.. found conversations I.dont like and im pisst off.. by his emails he is going to.cheat on me.. how do I confront him.. any advise please help

Reply December 1, 2012, 5:14 pm


I saw this as I was walking out the door. OK, yes, people are going to say, “you should not be in his email”. They will assume you don’t trust him etc. But you know, good for you. I say this because way to go gut instinct, women’s intuition. 1st, do you still love him? Do you really want to be with some guy who emails other women after 2 years of dating you? He is “planning” on being intimate with another female (grooming her). His actions currently are that of a coward. Do you like men who act like cowards and are too weak to come to you and state he is unhappy with the relationship? If you are sick of his silly boy games, leave him. Do no fear and suffer over self-esteem issues on this guy. Leave him and tell him why. He will then run back to you like the coward he is. If you take him back, you have just taught him how to treat you moving forward. So if you stay, try to work it out knowing this man doesn’t really respect you these days and wants to have sex with some other girl who is blind and kind of lame. Lame because she probably knows about you. If you are young (21-35), this email may not convince you to take a stand and get strong; to confront him and show him the door. You will have to take some more abuse until your 40’s to wake up. The fact that you are on this site asking for help because some coward, looser, lying, boyfriend is about to cheat you tells me your not ready to ask for something better in men. Correction, he is cheating on you. The fact that he is carrying on like this with another woman is cheating. He may not have touched her YET, but his thoughts are on her and not you. Women do this as well. If he can’t be honest, he is not good enough for you. Do not suffer in this way. Be strong and go get what you deserve, makes you happy. If you do, you will be one tough sister. Good luck.

Reply December 1, 2012, 5:31 pm


Well said Theresa!! I believe that there are several ways a person can cheat. Some think unless they had sex it isn’t cheating. BS!! My ex husband was texting another girl. He was role playing and sexting. That is a form of cheating. I divorced him even after nine years. So Lyn…….kick him to the curb!!

Reply December 8, 2012, 2:06 am


Hi Birdie2169,

Good for you, for leaving and making a better life for yourself. Nine years is a long time. I cannot even imagine the pain you went through, but I’m happy you know you deserve better! I cannot express my frustration in this area with people. Grown adults! I confess I’m a bit lonely and would like to be in a long term relationship but I refuse to settle this time around. There is no WAY I will ever let another friend, boyfriend insult me with hurtful lies. I feel if you lie and cheat, you have just pissed away all your dignity for all to see. Do I sound bitter and fed up? YES :) Hugs for all the women that have the courage to leave messy, ugly, looser men who abuse them (i.e.Yell, Hit, Put you down, Bully, you name it, withhold love and affection when he is pouting, and the list grows). I have to add, the same goes for women too.

Reply December 8, 2012, 8:02 pm


It was painful for awhile and i was bitter for a long time. Bad thing about that breakup is there were minor children involved. I practically raised his son. It was difficult for my daughter as well. That’s the problem with situations like this is more than one person gets hurt in the end. But my daughter and I realized it was for the best. We are happier now and I am currently involved with a wonderful man that has been faithful. I hope only the best for you as well.

December 8, 2012, 8:35 pm


Leave him, you deserve better. That’s based on what you caught him on, imagine the others he got away with.

Reply December 1, 2012, 5:32 pm


If lying is “easier” in order to avoid hurt feelings, then what was the motivation for doing whatever it was that would cause the hurt feelings to begin with? If they’re trying to “avoid drama”, all they’ve done by lying is set the stage for the biggest drama ever – and it’s one THEY started by setting out to deceive in the first place. If they can’t realize a good outcome it’s only because they’re shallow and stuck in the instant gratification mode, and unable to see down the road a few feet. If they think they need to lie in order to impress – the only real impression they’re making is in how poor their own self image is. If this is the case, they have no right to complain about anyone else.
Bottom line is men and women BOTH lie. Any relationship based on a lie IS a lie. There is no room for dignity after lying takes root.
Men – real men – have no need to lie about anything. Women – real women – don’t cultivate the circumstances that lead to lying. (and vice versa)
A person who lies in order to avoid a confrontation is lying out of: FEAR.
A person who lies because they’re too lazy to talk about the real issue is lying out of: ANGER.
A person who lies because they think they can impress is lying out of: LOW SELF ESTEEM.
Lying is something people do when they have a problem with their own sense of self. It does not EVER have anything to do with anyone else. Lying is never good and anyone who does it – no matter what their justification is – is not worthy of an intimate relationship.
Lying destroys your integrity. It changes a person and makes them repulsive. No ego boost can be sustained by a lie. This article was written because there are people who actually believe there is justification for lying.
There isn’t. And there never will be.

Reply November 25, 2012, 4:21 am


Real men don’t lie. I agree. They are like 5 year old children. Real women don’t always cultivate the circumstances and if a man lies and cheats it is not something they caused. That is the old justification for men to continue the bad behavior and was probably cultivated in childhood. Women often try to save the marriage because they have made a commitment to the other person. Of course, it does no good if only one continues to act like a child and lie. I do know women who are aware that their men have lied and cheated and they try to go to counseling to fix the situation. I wouldn’t say they are responsible for the lying and cheating. I also know women (not well, by choice) who give these same men sanctuary when they know they have abused other women because they are reaping the benefits, at least for a little while, financially and emotionally. These women are the ones that tick me off because they are lying to themselves and in turn adding to another women’s pain. They DO make it much easier for a man to continue to lie.

Reply November 25, 2012, 8:56 am

L Montes

bbbettbu, I totally agree with you.

Reply March 11, 2013, 5:46 am


Well said Theresa!! I believe that there are several ways a person can cheat. Some think unless they had sex it isn’t cheating. BS!! My ex husband was texting another girl. He was role playing and sexting. That is a form of cheating. I divorced him even after nine years. So Lyn…….kick him to the curb!! BTW….there is no excuse for a lie! If you have to lie about something then apparently what you are doing is wrong and can hurt the other person in the relationship.

Reply December 8, 2012, 2:13 am

Lucy Montes

Vicki, you’re awesome ! Love the comment.

Reply March 11, 2013, 5:55 am


RE: ” Women apparently have better instincts than men”

I’d have to agree to disagree on that statement. I have seven sisters, and not one of them have a clue.

Reply November 18, 2012, 3:38 pm


I think this question is too generalized. And the photo is not of a man, it looks like a 15 year old kid being confronted by his mother or older sister LoL. Why does a man lie? Mostly because of dealing with some women that over act over trivial things or are drama queens. Usually these types are insecure and attract “players” or guys that just tell a “girl” (since a real woman wouldn’t put up with this) what she wants to hear and keep the drama going. Here’s a tip: Stop lying to yourself and you’ll find guys you meet will do the same.

Reply November 18, 2012, 12:11 pm


Lying to someone and blaming them because they get upset is ridiculous. Men and women need to be up front about their feelings. The fact that a person lies to cover up bad behavior has nothing to do with protecting their partners feelings. It has to do with covering up the crime cause they don’t want to get caught and deal with the aftermath. The liar is simply protecting themselves. Its a lot better to tell the truth right away then wait. And yes, women often lie to themselves but so do men, to sustain what they have or want, which is usually to have their cake and eat it to.

Reply November 18, 2012, 12:20 pm


Of course, in a marriage this doesn’t apply here. ;)

Reply November 18, 2012, 3:16 pm

Eric Charles

Sure. And nothing you said is wrong, but it doesn’t help anything.
Talking about what people *should* do doesn’t help anything – it is just a statement of opinion and condemnation to others. It’s better to observe what people actually DO, understand why and then incorporate that knowledge into how you deal with people.
You can scream from a mountaintop about how people should be acting. Nobody will listen, but you can still do it.
Or… you can simply recognize how humans tend to act and handle them in an aware and compassionate way.
Now, of course, the best path is to select a partner that shares your values. And people will cry to me, “But Eric, we don’t know how they are initially!!!”
You do… your instincts do. Women apparently have better instincts than men (although I’ve never been a woman, so I don’t know firsthand), but if I can sense someone instinctually within ten seconds in basically every case of my entire life, women can certainly do it too… and most likely, better than I can.
The real issue is (like you said) lying to yourself. And then being *shocked* when they act exactly in alignment with the kind of person your instincts told you they’d be.
My father had a much simpler way of giving advice though. His words, “Don’t associate with a*holes.” Wise words.

Reply November 18, 2012, 3:34 pm



Reply January 10, 2013, 5:01 pm

Lucy Montes


Reply March 11, 2013, 5:59 am

Eric Charles

Yeah… I’ve always been fascinated by this ever-repeating story:
Step One: Date someone who is clearly an a*hole.
Step Two: Be shocked when that person (male or female) acts like… an a*hole towards you.
I mean… is this rocket science?

Reply November 18, 2012, 3:36 pm


Hi Eric,

I Agree with you regarding Step Two. lol It does seem simple doesn’t it?

The headline shouldn’t read, “Why do men lie”. It should read, “People lie”. The problem or the challenge is that 99% of all people lie (i.e. white lies and beyond). The work lie, the relationship lie, and the list goes on and on.

No one likes to be lied to from a lover or anyone else on the planet. I guess we are most offended when someone we love lies to us. It cuts like a knife and we are left thinking, wtf? And then all the others feelings come out. Maybe it’s at this stage where we can all minimize the damage onto ourselves. All we can do is control our actions and attitude. So in my case, this was the first time he had lied to me but it stuck. The way in which he lied, blamed me etc. made it very easy to walk away! Just got rid of him. That was over two weeks ago and my life has improved. No more Mike drama, no more lies, no more frustration etc. We really are the company we keep. Look at your friends today and you will learn something about yourself.

Reply November 25, 2012, 12:00 pm


I’ll stop venting after this post. :)

This topic fires me up right now because I had to close the door on a very good “friend” who lied, and lie was nasty, it hurt me, and it changed our friendship. I could already see some red flags but nothing that shut me down, yet.

Not only did this person lie to me, he took to blaming for me for the lie afterwards. He did this twice. When he asked for forgiveness. I gave it. I also tried to put myself in his shoes. I know that he is a good person, but I could no longer trust him, he was causing harm and stress in my life. I’m in my 40’s, I’m not interested in games, navigating through whether he’s lying again, or telling the truth. When he lied, he did so right to my face, over and over. He did it so well and fast, making stuff up as he went along, that when I found out, it actually scared me to my bones. He apologized for days. He took to blaming me after I forgave him but needed to walk away from him; close the door. He said, “if you had really forgiven me, we’d still be friends”. Not in this case. I told him, “just because you forgive someone that has caused you harm, hurt you, doesn’t mean you let them back in your front door to do it again. So I’m sad today, of course I am. I miss the fun stuff we used to do. But you should have seen me for the past 5 days….I felt dead, sad to my bones, all trust gone. But I will get through this, because that’s what we do. You don’t stay so you can feel good for a bit. It will happen again. FYI: there are really good people out there, go and find them.

Reply November 12, 2012, 2:35 pm


Oh boy. So, we are being ask to treat this guy like a little baby? He can’t be honest unless we handle him with kid gloves, pat him on the back and say, “Good job” and whoa to the woman who gets upset when baby boy lies about important issues? Come on. There have got to be men, real men, who don’t crumble under the burden of honesty. Small lies, of course, who wants to be brutally honest? But big lies, the kind that are deal breakers. That’s another story. My personal opinion is that if a man wants to cheat, for instance, he steps up and tells his partner that he’s thinking about it. Then, they have the choice of dealing with whatever is causing the rift before it’s unrepairable. Of course she’ll be upset. But, this is part of human nature too. She will get angry, maybe cry and then calm down and talk about the problem. If men are so fragile that they can’t deal with righteous anger, and true honesty, then we are doing something very wrong in raising our sons.

Reply November 12, 2012, 1:51 pm


Spot on. Yes, how are we raising our sons currently? And, what about these women who stay, make excuses for them. Look, I’ve seen it on both sides, women lie too; people lie. But I am not about to shoulder someone’s lie! He lied so not to hurt my feelings? He lied so he could escape the anger, drama of a woman? No perceived up side?
Truth hurts sometimes, but it can create change as well, good change. Telling the truth puts the other in the “know”; it allows them to make their own CHOICE. when you lie, you take all of it off the table. You let that person know you that you don’t respect yourself; so respecting them would be a challenge for you as well. Relationships don’t grow off lies, they grow off communication, telling the truth with respect for the other. You can deliver “challenging news”, news that will hurt, without blasting that person. It is now on them to act with maturity, and accept the truth, and decide how they will handle it. If your spouse freaks out with the truth, it’s on them, not you. They have to navigate through it, and they will. If you are scared to tell your spouse the truth, you might want to rethink why you married a person your scared of.

Reply November 12, 2012, 2:21 pm


Ahh, those women. The ones who stay or perhaps even more importantly, the ones who find this kind of man attractive. The women that are so desperate for a partner in their lives that they will avoid asking questions, believe everything he says, pretend that his children won’t talk to him because his ex is so controlling. (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard ex-wives accused of this one) The truth is, she doesn’t want to know because it’s all about getting what she wants or needing someone to need her to feel good. Two peas in a pod of narcissism and neediness. Truth has absolutely nothing to do with it. The innocent bodies stack up under their new found, “love.” It’s a relationship built on lies. And they surround themselves with others who will sustain them. Shallow waters don’t run deep but they do flow the same way. It’s all about mutual denial built on lying to themselves as well as each other. Most important is to sustain the false beliefs because once they are forced to face reality, it all falls apart.

Reply November 12, 2012, 3:50 pm


Thank you. You have just described my relationship to a Tee. We’ve just broken up, heartbroken but all based on falseness lies and neediness. On both our parts. We both loved the idea of each other just not the cold hard truth! Why didn’t I have the strength to confront this sooner, now 4 yrs down the line and approaching 40, next time I’m making a promise to myself to be REAL!!!

Reply February 15, 2013, 5:36 pm


“once a liar, always a liar”. You can date a liar, or you can date a person who doesn’t lie. End of story. You can play all these games, write paragraph after paragraph about the liar you married, dating, or your best friend the liar that you know. All the heartache above. Go write about the amazing person you met, that tells the truth out of respect for all involved. And NO, things will not get better.

Reply November 12, 2012, 11:39 am


They don’t want drama!? Lying is going to cause drama and friction and mistrust.
His “friends” always came first. He threw his daughter away.I’m sick of reading about why men lie and why men cheat and why men do this or that! The EX would return from Anger Management and call our daughter every obscenity you could think of.He’s a pretentious douchebag. I threw the bastard out.Slammed a restraining order on him. And I found out that he’s living with his parents.( He hates his parents). Where are all his “beloved” “friends” now!? Karma is a bitch.I’m grateful that my daughter and myself finally got free from this narcissistic bastard.

Reply November 2, 2012, 3:55 pm


There was this guy I was seeing for two and a half months. I thought things were going well with us. We were already being intimate as well. The chemistry between us was amazing.

I bring up a month into it what he thought about us and he complimented me and said “I will see where it goes.” I did not question him more about it because I did not want to pressure him into anything and just left it at that. Thinking he meant he wanted to take things slow. I also mention to him that I did not want a casual thing and he did not say anything to that so I thought all was good. He understood what I meant by that.

A month and a half later he tells me that he does not want commitment. I mention to him if this is a friends with benefits thing. I do not want to be a part of it. Then he ends it with me.
I thought WTF? I told him (only once) that I did not want casual sex and here he was saying that he did not want a relationship. After I specifically told him I did not want to be casual.

I now feel like he lied to me and led me that whole month and a half, making me think he wanted something more then just sex. I actually do remember him saying before that this was not just about sex to him but why would he tell me he does not want commitment or a relationship if it was not just about sex?

I had only asked him two questions about this. Because I was not upfront about things before we started getting intimate. It just happened. Just can’t believe things turned out the way they did and just wonder if this was not just about sex. Then what was it?

Just wish things could just go back to the way they were before all this happened and we could start again but now we are not even talking to each other because apparently “we are not on the same page” according to him.

Frustrated, hurt and confused by it all. Any opinions on this would be good! It really felt right with him when things were good. Just don’t know how things got messed up all of a sudden like that!

Reply October 13, 2012, 3:50 am

Lucy Montes

Sorry, it sounds like he was already in a relationship with someone else at time he was with you. I’m sorry, I know it hurts but, you got played! Don’t give hime a second thought.

Reply March 11, 2013, 6:31 am


Interesting article… however, it should be titled, “Why do SOCIOPATHS Lie… and how they RATIONALIZE it.” …a real man wouldn’t be cowardly and fake, changing his stance just to avoid conflict/tears. A real man is able to think IN ADVANCE, if his ACTIONS would CAUSE conflict/tears; and, a real man would AVOID these ACTIONS, even if it’s difficult. If you think lying and pretending to be “a pimp” is fulfilling; and, you’re actually willing to lie to attain this lifestyle, you’re not a man. A true man loves and fights to keep ONE, GOOD woman, and resists temptation to be unfaithful (a good woman will resist as well; neither is easy to find but “the easy route” is no way to attain a partner). A true woman has high expectations, and always keeps them high, never wavering from decency, justice, truth (same for men). Women and Men, if you need to LOWER your expectations in order to be with someone…? He’s/She’s just a big CHILD and you should MOVE ON… Men, if you think it’s OK to LIE to a woman who you’ve told that you love, no matter HOW you try to rationalize it, you are an UNWORTHY LOSER, who self-sabotaged him from a good relationship with an honest woman. Are you insecure, greedy, selfish, etc? Is the grass always greener? Men, if you keep going for the “easy ones” that’s all you’ll EVER get… and guess what? that ONE faithful, good woman you COULD HAVE HAD at one point… is GONE out of your life, forever… because… no, not ALL MEN lie or cheat; you’re not special, you’re not exceptional, you’re a liar. And you have to sleep in the bed you made, without your honest loving woman beside you. Now, because you chose to lie, you will be left with gross, easy girls who sleep with literally everyone you know, even your friends. How humiliating. You will get cheated on, lied to, etc, just like YOU did to your once-serious-girlfriend, who would NEVER LIE to you (people who are truthful remain that way– it’s their character and they don’t compromise that). Bottom line? Not ALL men LIE, not ALL men cheat… Not ALL women lie, not ALL women cheat. So stand up for what’s right, be a MAN or be a WOMAN, and find a person with your values! If those values remain constant, get married. Otherwise, have fun “playing the field” with the empty pimp life… enjoy all those wonderful STDs, lies, and nasty-ness’ that come along with the instant-gratification, no-questions-asked mentality. One day, you’ll be old and diseased, alone, and suddenly those “easy young’uns” that you placed on a pedestal, won’t even give you a glance. Why did you spend your life lying and chasing lice-infected skirts? We all age as we’ve lived… so whatever you’re doing NOW, is going to set the precedence for your old-age… It’s up to you… do you want a fulfilling happy, healthy old life surrounded by family who loves you…? OR do you want to be paying for hookers, getting stds, hanging out with liars, etc.? Make the decision NOW and live ALWAYS fighting for what’s right, fighting to STAY with your ONE TRUE LOVE, at ALL COSTS. Again, lying is a choice; I don’t have sympathy or respect for liars… it’s a CHOICE. When you choose to lie, you disrespect the person you lie to, but inevitably, you disrespect YOURSELF the most, your own character becomes flawed and disgusting… we only have ONE life, and at the end of the day, all you truly have is YOURSELF. YOU KNOW what you’ve done, YOU KNOW if you’re a liar or not. If you can live like that, as a liar I mean, that’s on you… but don’t drag another [honest] person into your cesspool of lies, deception, and corruption, rationalizing it all to yourself like it’s ok. Go find another cesspool-oriented thinker, a quick-hump, and leave us honest people ALONE. There are NO EXCUSES for a MAN or a WOMAN to LIE… EVER. The media tells us it’s natural, normal… white lies are fiiineee… well it’s not fine… and if it’s EASIER for you to lie than tell the truth?! Just… wow… that’s called being a SOCIOPATH. Live real, speak your mind, speak the truth, and don’t ever settle for anything less. If you always speak the truth, live decently, and stay true to yourself always; you have nothing to fear– you can respect yourself always, and you’ll naturally reject liars for those who are honest. Anyone can lie, that’s weak. Be real, and fight/avoid the weak, selfish tendencies of humans. Remember: “What happens in the dark, ALWAYS comes to the light.” even if you lie and get away with it, your true character WILL be revealed at some point. Honest, decent people don’t have to WORRY about TELLING THE TRUTH, because they have nothing to hide, they live deliberately, and think about CONSEQUENCES TO THEIR ACTIONS… and their character is STRONG. If you’re with a weak liar? That aint on you, you just were naive, thinking all people are as honest as you are… you’ll have to dump the liar unless they can grow a pair and take a stand to always be honest. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but if your partner is a liar… walk away, and seek out truth-tellers… it’s not as dire out there as you’re taught, and the number of liar/cheats is NOWHERE NEAR 80%, this is America…. speak and demand truth, like our great-grandfathers did. In a time like today, where almost 100% of our “leaders” and “stars” are completely fake and paid to lie, it’s IMPORTANT for our generation, more than ever, to RISE UP, and to REMEMBER AMERICAN VALUES, and to BE THE EXAMPLE. One day, all the old liars in power (who we didn’t vote for) WILL die, and WE will restore America to its glory… may as well start now.

Reply October 11, 2012, 2:05 pm


Wow… you sound like an insane person.

Thanks for the great article Eric. Ignore this nutcase, she is crazy.

Reply October 11, 2012, 9:54 pm


There was nothing insane about her response. And calling someone insane, a nutcase , and crazy reflects poorly on you.

Reply October 22, 2012, 2:50 pm


I have to agree with the other poster. There was nothing insane about her post. I think honesty should be expected between two people in a relationship man or woman. If you have to lie about something, it means you are uncomfortable telling the truth for whatever reason and if something makes you uncomfortable enough to lie about it to your significant other, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

Reply October 23, 2012, 8:54 pm


Ditto that girl is drama !! Women are a lot like men , they lie and cheat . Depends on the personality and conscious behavior of the individual.

Reply September 6, 2014, 5:38 pm


It didn’t come across as insane to me either. The only parts I take a bit of issue with is the patriotic America this & that near the end. America’s got nothing to do with this relationships issue. This is the internet, it’s global. Relationship problems like this are also global. America is not the world!

Reply December 3, 2012, 7:01 pm


Ok… answer THIS. SO a man lies to keep from having a fight, to keep from living with drama, there is no upside for telling the truth, and they don’t feel good enough in the relationship to speak the truth…..


If you can’t tell me the truth for the above reasons…then WE are not right for each other. WHY STICK AROUND????? I swear, it’s just to hurt others while grabbing all the good things you can (and no…not sex).

I am just TIRED of the LIES!!! Does NO-ONE tell the truth anymore???????

Reply October 10, 2012, 2:21 am


I met a guy on tagged, we started talking and found we had many things in common. We are both in the middle of divorces & in our 40’s. After weeks of talking, texting, and skyping; We met, took a walk in the park, around a lake, fed the squirrels. He brought me a gift from a trip he had just returned from. He text me every morning and night until last night, he goes to college and when he text me yesterday morning said he did not get much sleep the night before thinking of me. When I didn’t get a text or call last night I was worried he had an accident due to sleep deprivation, I text no reply, I emailed no reply, I called no answer. He finally text me at 4 this morning saying he fell asleep on a friends couch during a study group. Then I get a text saying his soon to be ex wife said his women need to stop emailing her, said she got one from me and wanted to know how I would feel if he did that to my ex. I was devastated. I called him immediately he answered I told him it was not me and I was hurt he would accuse me of such a thing. I have only been open and honest, and if he wanted to contact my ex he could, I have nothing to hide. He apologized and ask me to forget it, I have developed very strong feelings for him, but don’t know I can forget it. Honesty is so important for me, I have been hurt so much in my life. He has things about himself he is ashamed of like height, and other things, but they do not matter to me, I fell in love for who he is, and his personality, not what he looks like. I am at a loss and scared to invest further emotions until my insecurities are settled.

Reply September 7, 2012, 10:12 am

Lucy Montes

Honestly,take from meeeeee stay away from him he has some serious issues inwhich he feels the need to play headgames with you to make himself feel better about his own imperfections. Wish you well.

Reply March 11, 2013, 6:13 am


Ok, I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now, we met about 4 years ago and talked/dated for a year (never made me his gf) eventually we stopped talking because he didn’t have feelings for me anymore comes to find out 1 month after he has a gf! So I move on a few months later he contacts me apologizing for everything and how he treated me and so forth and I told him I had moved on and had a bf now , he understood and from that day for the next two years he always texted me asked me how I was doing if. We could ever hang out if I was ever going to give him another chance and so forth, I was a little over it but still ha feeling for him so after two years I gave it another sho and we’ve been together since BUT! I found out he had lied to me about his past and how many girls he had been with and so forth, I keep finding more and more things out about girls and girls he was messin around with at the sometime talking to me and trying to get together with me, after I constantly asked him if there were other girls I always got a no and that he was waiting around for me, but then I see on his Facebook all the messages with so many girls about when they’re going to hook up again an hang out and so forth up until the day before we make it official! I feel so betrayed and lied to I mean I know it’s his past but why couldn’t he be honest from the beginning considering we’ve already had some bad history? I don’t want to leave him because he’s an amazing bf and treats me like a princess but I feel like tree is so much more he’s hiding and constantly lying about?I don’t know how to trust him or hat to believe, I even know some of the girls they’re acquaintances of mine and I’ve asked him about them and he still lies even tho I know the truth… What do I do please help!!!

Reply August 30, 2012, 4:16 pm


I think men lie for their own good and benefit. They all want to have the time of their lives so they make the most out of it even if it means lying and hurting deeply the person who loves them. I met a guy in a social networking application on bbm last April 2012. We discovered we have so much in common and and time flies whenever we talk with each other. Lately this July, I have been noticing a lot of changes and I only had a simple request,that is, to be honest about his feelings for me or if he already found another. When I met him he said he was single and just broke up with his thai girlfriend because she cheated on him by dating his bestfriend. Knowing that made me comfortable enough that it is fine to love him. We skype as much as possible and we talk every single day. He even introduced me to his friend on skype which made me think he was serious about me. Anyways, I have been sensing a lot of changes lately (rude when talking to me, un-answered emails and or texts and none even goodnights and goodmornings) which is totally different as to how things used to be. He told me he will be away for 4 days and it was the perfect time for me to do my research. Today, I found out that he and his girlfriend are still together and never broke up. I also found out that I look so much like her maybe because we are both Asians. The guy promised to see me next year and told me everything will be put into place until then. I can’t believe I loved a liar. I can’t believe guys can do horrible things such as this. I have never been hurt my entire life and I dont deserve this. I dont know what I did to be worthy of this, I am a very nice person, with breeding, smart and I have a nice job. I dont know why of all those girls, he chose me to play with. My view about guys will never be the same again. They all look mean and liars to me now.

Reply August 18, 2012, 4:36 pm


I’m sorry you were hurt like this, the guy that lied to you has no honor and is a horrible, selfish person to deceive you like this. Please seek counselling if you can, they can really help you learn to deal with things in life like this. It’s especially important that you deal with these feelings now before they destroy your next relationship. Remember, the guy you were with was a jerk, but every new guy should come with a clean slate. Don’t punish the new guy in your life because of what happened before.

Reply October 15, 2012, 5:05 pm

Lucy Montes

Simply put he’s a predator and you were his prey. He picked you because you were successful and you have confidence in yourself. Seriously, there are man out there like this I know for a fact. No, No, you didn’t deserve it, it’s not about you. Hope you’re doing well now days.

Reply March 11, 2013, 6:59 am


I have been with this great guy for little of 2 years now.. we are great together.. he treats me right and I know he loves me and would never cheat on me. Not to long ago I did find out he has been having some coversations with a so called “friend”.. if they are just freinds why would he be telling her he loves her he miss her he wants to kiss her all over and more. I did ask him soo many times over and over if he talked to any of his ex gf’s or friends like he does to me and his rely was “no babe, never” what a lie.. how can he do that to me. She does live in Germany and she has a man and kids of her own so I dont know what is going on with my bf and that girl. By the conversations she doesnt know he has a gf because he never mentions me only our dogs. He did ask me how I found out.. he asked did you looked through my phone I said no he asked again and I said no again.. finally I told him yes I looked through your phone.. he was soo mad my gosh he took it to the next level.. but he was still talking to his so called “Friend” like nothing but he was soo mad at me.. now he says he doesnt trust me becuase I lied.. but he never lied.. I sacrafised everything for him to move away from my family and freinds to be with him in a different state.. I thought he would be the one who loved me and only me.. he know I am very emotinal and I am a very giving person.. dont know how much I can ake before I break down for good.. I dont understand how he can be like that and lie to me and then tell me the same stuff he tell that so called freind of his makes me sick.. I dont want to lose him he is a great guy but just dont like what he does behind my back.. he would not like if I did that to him .. just wish guys didnt mess up what they have with a great girl!!

Reply August 13, 2012, 3:13 pm


You seem like a good girl and that you love the person so much. I have been there myself and it sucks big time when you don’t even know what is that something that you “did not give” to deserve his actions/lies. He may seem like a great guy to you, but the fact is, he is not. I believe 80% of the guys are cheaters, liars and flirts. Take all the time you need to heal, there is no use staying in the relationship if the foundation is nothing but lies and denial. Time heals all wounds, I did’nt know I can, but little by little I am sort feeling that I am becoming free. Free from all the lies, the hatred and anger. I was trapped and didnt know what is the right thing to do and that is understandable, that is why you have to give yourself the time to think, be alone and fix yourself up. Once you are done getting over that person, go ahead and look/wait for that remaining 20% of guys willing to love you genuinely. You and you alone, you deserve to be number 1. You deserve not just the better but the best guy. Go back to your family and friends, they will be the ones to help you during these times. Don’t waste your time hoping he will change unless he DO EVERYTHING to make it up to you. Once a cheater/liar always a cheat/liar. It is not our fault we fell in love with the wrong guy, but it will be if we chose to be with them despite all of these. You can make it through.

Reply August 25, 2012, 5:47 am

prettty meh..

we have same situation evelyn.. and much worser than my situatuion.. i have my boyfriend on our 1st year in relationship he promises all the good words which a girl wanted to hear from his boyfriend.. i sacrifice some things to be with him.. i know he loves me but the fact.. he cannot avoid flirting, communicating to his past girlfriends.. when we always discussing and fighting it again and again again… i ask him many times if i’am enough to him.. he said YES but the way he act in our relantionship its all imaginary!!!… its like he loves me but he loves also to flirt to some girls.. he said he will change and forget the bad memories he did of conversation and making sweet messages on his past GF… but nothing change… not even once,twice,trice,fourth, and he reapet it reapet everytime.. many times.. and it sick in my mind… grrrrrr… everytime i check his accounts in facebook skype there’s a conversation between his past GF.. and some sort of girls that he flirting.. and it blow me up!!! i cannot handle it anymore i cannot live on his promisses.. i cannot stand it anymore.. enough!!!!!!.. i love him… but its not worth to keep the relationship with all LIES … now im moving on.. its very hard to let go.. but it said time will heal..

Reply January 22, 2013, 3:01 pm

Lucy Montes

Interesting….. ummm..I wonder if, she’s still with her so called a great guy or not????

Reply March 11, 2013, 7:09 am


Me and my girl argue if I tell the true or lie she just don’t believe anything I say when I do lie it b about the littlest thing just to get her and find out how she knows but she lies to she thinks b/c she is so real she don’t lie but you can be the realist but doesnt mean anything sometimes I think she just like to argue

Reply July 22, 2012, 2:17 pm


I have been dating this fella for about 7 months now. Things are great! We get along soooo well and easily. We both agree that we are the most comfortable with each other, than we have ever been with anyone else. Things just literally *click*. BUUUTTTTT……About a month ago I had to suddenly leave town for 3 days (family emergency). While I was out of town, I have reason to believe that my fella has done some shameful things. For starters we didn’t have our normal phone conversations that we have even when we aren’t going to bed together, even just a few miles apart, let alone 1,000. Never checked in with me to make sure I traveled safely (I was driving-alone). While having a very brief text conversation, suddenly stopped. I didn’t get a response until the following day about 15 hours later. He claimed he had fallen asleep, that his phone died (first time EVER!!! at least since we’ve been dating….he works for a phone store, has 2 or 3 batteries in his pocket at a time) and that he slept till 4pm, which also has NEVER happened. I already knew before he called me where he was because a friend of mine saw him and called me asking where I was. And it wasn’t in bed sleeping the 14 hours he claimed. I never pressed him when I came home, but kept bringing up honesty conversations, still nothing. I mean we get along sosososo well and it just didn’t make sense why he would lie to me. About 3 days after I came back I was changing the sheets and cleaning up, I found a used condom under the bed and jewelry in the sheets. He SWEARS he has no clue where it came from. I told him lets just forget about it. But I dont think I can, and why should I? About 2 weeks ago he finally admitted that he lied about where and what he did the night in question (He went to an all night bar in the city with his friends) Said he lied about it because…get this….he “felt bad that I wasn’t there” but didn’t deny the rest of the weekend that I also obviously wasn’t there for either….???? I was reading about why men lie, and it said because women react badly et c; But see that is the thing I have never responded badly to anything my fella did, when he wanted to hang with his friends, or whatever else. I am confused and need advice. Should I believe my fella and move on? Or should I demand answers, get closure, and move on out?

Reply June 25, 2012, 12:52 am


He cheated and doesn’t want to be truthful.

Reply July 16, 2012, 4:30 pm

Linda Panozzo

Don’t believe him! I have been married for 25 years, and my husband doesn’t know how to tell the truth. He lies constantly and then gets upset when I say, “I don’t trust you” anymore…. go figure. Get out now, he will never change.

Reply August 2, 2012, 11:48 am

Linda Panozzo

Let me preface this with, I was just like you, didn’t give him grief believed him when he told me something…. our willingness to go along….. and my long suffering, thinking that it will change… didn’t do me any favors….

Reply August 2, 2012, 11:49 am


He cheated big time and each time you have asked him about it was a lie. Come on girls, we need to stand TALL and strong with our belielfs. I would definitely leave, but before you do DO NOT tell him, and make a plan, incase you have no job, etc. Ive been married 26 years and like Linda Panozzo, mine has lied thoughout our marriage, controlling and abusive..I stopped it all together. I’m just doing me, with living, trying to have fun, the problem is was I wasn’t allowed to work, now it’s been a struggle trying to get back in the work field. I have no friends because I wasn’t allowed to, I’m stuck and can’t afford to get out, not without a job. What a waste. So if you can.. leave. He won’t change. He will say to himself well I’ll keep doing it because I’m getting away with it.

Reply October 19, 2012, 1:51 am


I don’t know if you guys are still together or not, but just leave. Let him go. Don’t let someone take you for granted. My ex was a really big liar too and all it did was cause stress.

Reply August 24, 2012, 10:19 pm


Dump him! But the final decision is yours. When you are so inlove, you don’t know what is the right thing to do. You know when a guy doesnt care about you in even the simplest ways (texting where you are, or did you get enough rest or what are your plans for the day) means he doesnt care! Texting or giving your special someone a call should be as easy as BREATHING! but if you really do not care or have less affection for the person (different than what he claims) fact is, he wouldnt bother care! You deserve better. Move on, he is not worth a single love :) Will be difficult, but you will be surprised as to how strong you are when you finally moved on, and most importantly, you will have a high respect yourself.

Reply August 25, 2012, 5:57 am


I’ve been dating a guy I met online for about 6-8 weeks. We live in different cities so we’ve only had 3 dates although each lasted about 8 hrs (spent all day together).

The 3rd was on Sunday (27th May). We had a really nice date. Spent most of the day in the park. He was more affectionate (kissing me constantly, holding my hand, hugging me, stroking my hair) than he’s ever been. The only issue was that he said from the 2nd date he wanted to sleep with me. On Sunday at his he asked when I was next up (I’m seeing friends in London this weekend) and that I could stay (for obvious reasons). I said I’d prefer to be exclusive with someone before sleeping with them. He felt that he needs to sleep with someone before becoming exclusive to see if there’s a connection. I said that I wasn’t prepared to be one of many girls he’s sleeping with but he said he would never sleep with more than one at once and would always be honest with me so would say if he met someone else. He could tell I was unsure so hugged me and said there was no rush/pressure and not to worry. He said this several times unprovoked. When he dropped me at the station he repeated it but said I should still visit so to let him know.

I let him know I was home safe and had a fun time. He replied saying he’d also had a nice time and commented on the length of the journey apologising. I said it wasn’t his fault just my lack of checking that transport was running normally and that I should hurry-up and move there (before we met the 1st time I’d said I was looking to move to London).

Thursday I text him in the day asking if he was about that evening to discuss plans and if he was still free. No answer. I thought he must be busy so I rang that night anyway. He didn’t pick up. Obviously I was crushed as he said he’d be honest. I thought about it all yesterday (31st May) so last night messaged him on the dating site saying I wasn’t sure if he got the text/call but I was free tomorrow (Sunday) and would stay (saying I wanted to spend time with him and not worry about catching trains). I know it was probably needy but I thought maybe he’d lost his phone. I still haven’t heard back. Please help. I don’t know what happened in those 3 days to make him change his mind.

Reply June 2, 2012, 7:35 am


It is very clear he only wants to get in your pants. Good thing you value yourself and did not give what he is not deserving. Just think about it, what if you have given him what he wanted and later on ignored you like what he is doing now? It will be more devastating like what you are feeling right now.
Stop calling/texting the person. One thing I learned about guys is that they dont text/call you if they dont love or even like you. Proven and tested.

Reply August 25, 2012, 6:01 am


I found out my boyfriend lied to me about where he was. Could he be lying because he is cheating?

Reply May 31, 2012, 1:02 am


There are white lies my dear, but for me, a lie isstill a lie! Relationship will never be healthy if two people are not honest with each other. My ex lied to me about him and his ex getting back together because he said he didnt want to hurt me. I dont really believe in that crap. I just think he didnt want to let go of me and wanted to get the best of both worlds that is why he didnt have the guts to tell me so. When I learned about it, I was at the top of my feelings for him! Sooo in to him, so inlove with him but I had to stop myself. Imagine how hard it was to go against your OWN FEELINGS, your OWN MIND. I made it through with the help of my family and friends. Strong support systems and work. I have a suggestion for you, talk to him and calm yourself down and assure him you wont get mad just be honest. Confront him, and when you get the real answers (some guys are really stubborn and will defend their lies no matter what) do the right thing to do. Assess the situation and lies if it is valid or not. Then DO WHAT IS RIGHT for the situation even if it hurts.

Reply August 25, 2012, 6:08 am


“To call up one common scenario, think of a time where a close female friend has noticeably put on weight. She asks you in a heartbroken tone, “Do you think I look fat?” No girl (except a complete “B”) is going to say, “Yes, you look enormous.” The response she will most likely receive is, “No, you look great!” or something similarly placating.”

I don’t agree with teh above, that only a complete B will tell her female friend the truth, if I am a real friend I want my friend to be the best she can and I am the only one who can honestly say that she has to watch the weight…and I honestly would

Reply May 14, 2012, 12:49 am


Great article, you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head.

Only a couple of things I want to add..

Most men really value their image and pride. They want to appear as heroes and want women to be proud of them. With little lies about their accomplishments or small embellishments of their past achievements, women tend to admire them more. This improves their self image.

Another small thing is avoiding potential arguements. They would rather tell a little white lie, then go through all the hassle of arguing. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I mean nobody likes a liar, but sometimes men have good intentions when they go about doing it.

I hope you don’t mind if I share this article with my readers Eric! I’m sure they will find your take on things very interesting.

Reply May 2, 2012, 6:14 pm

Eric Charles

Good comment Lisa, thanks.

Reply May 2, 2012, 7:22 pm


I was with my partner 10 years and recently he just walked out on me only leaving a letter explaining why he left & what he expected me to do in order to win him back. He said I should get a career (which I already have but obviously not good enough) and should stop talking when we are around his family. When he left I contacted his mother & father who swore they hadn’t heard from but I knew they were only protecting their son & I don’t blame them for that. He has taken off for a week in the past but never left a letter & always left money to help me pay our bills & home. This time around he took our only car, left me a pile of bills and his damn dog. Since then I have seen him on 2 occassions. 1st time we never really had a chance to talk personally due to nosey family always hanging around to be nosey so we didn’t really get to speak but we were very touchy & intimate coz we missed eachother. 2nd time we hired a hotel room and enjoyed our selves immensely however when he told me his parents were helping him by financing his escape I flew into a deep rage because I lost my house, car & the person I thought loved me. Since then I deleted his number & blocked from contact for now. But he uses people to pass messages that he loves me & I’m the only woman he’ll ever love. Because he’s took off in the past I’ve never truely forgiven him. He broke my trust because of all the lies & deceit & the fact he wasn’t embarrassed to ask people to lie to from both our families is what really infuriates me. It’s also made me accuse him of being a cheating man even tho I know he’s more likely to cheat on me with a car than an actual person (he’s a rev head through & through). He says he wants me to move on but at the same time while i’m trying he keeps popping through txts or asks his family to contact me to reassure me that he loves me. Honestly I’m over never feeling good enough. I just want to move on but do it in a civilised way without being bitter. He’s always depended on me to wait for him and look after his person items & pet. Everytime this has happened I do what he expect because I thought that was love. Now I realise that he thinks he’s got me wrapped around my finger but I want to show him that I can be unpredictable and move on without allowing him the priviledge of running back to me. When he lies he ends up telling different stories to me, to his mother and to other people in general.

Reply April 11, 2012, 10:33 am


hi , ive been in a relationship for 3 years but i dont know if i should get married to him hes a criminal but i really love him and hes nice to me .

Reply March 22, 2012, 2:26 pm


My boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years now. We moved in together after being together for almost 7 months. We met in Iraq while working together. He was going through a similar situation I had been going through…both of our spouses had left us for someone else. We were just friends at this point and would talk on occasion. We did not become a couple until several months after returning from Iraq. I ended up getting out of the military because I was diagnosed with cancer. He ended up deploying to Iraq again after 2 months of living with each other. He was constantly accusing me of cheating or talking to other people so I in turn got suspicious. I got into his myspace and facebook account…I know big no no! What I found was heartbreaking! He was talking to several different women and his ex girlfriend. He was telling his ex she was the best thing that ever happened to him…blah blah and that he was “hanging out” with me because I had cancer and he was helping me through it. He made sexual advances towards other females. It was devastating. When I confronted him he still lied to me even though the proof was in writing. We had been together a year at this point and I felt terribly betrayed. Here it is almost 3 years later and I still feel like he lies to me. One of his soldiers he was giving a ride to was referring to him by his first name and he told me that’s just how they are at work. Then he tells me that he has cheated on everyone he has ever been with, but would never do that to me and said he would swear it on his son. I feel like I am being taken for a fool. I have two children that have grown to love him and think of him as a father figure. I want to believe what he says, but he has lied so much…including dating sites he claims he doesn’t know how his profile just magically appeared on, etc. I feel like I am holding on to the hope that I am just the paranoid one who needs to get a grip!

Reply March 8, 2012, 1:27 pm

Eric Charles

Just a random thought I wish I had added into the article…
It’s not that men who lie hate or disrespect women. In most cases, it’s quite the opposite: They love women and never want to be the one who makes a woman cry. So they avoid it at all costs.
And therein comes the appeal of the lying to avoid that uncomfortable situation. Cowardly? Yes, definitely. But that’s the reason.

Reply March 6, 2012, 3:59 pm


To lie to avoid hurt in the short term. But the lie in the long term is going to destroy someone. So at some point, the man decided he was willing to lie and hurt someone for selfishness.

Reply November 11, 2014, 1:28 pm


After 3 very hard years, I figured out why my man lies to me. He does not always do the right thing. Sometimes his temper gets the better of him and he does things or says things that makes him what he calls a dick. So here it is.

He loves me very much and never wants to see me disappointed in him. He is my hero and wants to stay that way. So he lies to me or he refuses to answer a question.

I taught him to do this because of my reaction to what I thought was deception. In truth, it was my lack of understanding and expectations.

I expected him to be what he said he was. I believed him, but it was not the truth, it was how he wanted to be not how he was.

today, I have no expectations, I love the man he is offering me. I am secure in his love. It is not what I want it to be yet but I have faith that he will be all that be wants to be.

Reply March 6, 2012, 7:49 am


Thanks Eric,
Makes a lot of sense.
I suppose I knew most of what you have said but often looked for other reasons for lying.
One thing that confuses me is why a man tells you he is into.Tells you he likes you a lot,flatters you,says he misses you etc.
He projects into the future when he speaks as if you will be seeing a lot of him.
He makes plans and promises and doesnt follow through.
He even stops all contact.His actions say the opposite of his words.Why does he say those things to lead us on?

Reply March 5, 2012, 5:46 pm


He’s fickle.

Reply July 16, 2012, 4:29 pm


yes i am miserable in this relationship i am so uncomfortable. but what can i do dramatically? its like i cant live without him and i dont wanna feel that way anymore

Reply February 20, 2012, 12:31 am


Hi Eric,
Thank you for you article, very inspiring as usual. However I’m still not quite sured if he lied to me and why after reading it. About 5 months ago, my best friend introduced this guy to me, she said we would be a perfect match. And that’s what I thought after 4 months of dating. He is very attrative, funny, smart, and has a great job and good family values, we have lots in commom. He asked me to be his girlfriend at the end of our first date, and told our mutual friend(my BFF who’s also his colleague) that we were together and he was very happy that he met me, changed his facebook relationship status after one month of dating, we talked about meeting his family, going to a vocation together, even about me find a new job in the town where he lives(we live 40mins apart). He replied to my textes in time and always answered my calls. I always thought he was more into me that I was into him. He said the L word many times in different ways then I said it back when I felt the same, guess I was much more reserved, when he asked about moving in together and asked ”if I go down by one knee…do you think you would say yes..” I said it’s too early, he said it’s worth mentioning he’s never asked anyone else about moving in and etc.

Till the end of the 4th month, everything was perfect, the sex was good too. Then he got sick and was really stressful at work, but he didn’t tell me the details, he just didn’t talk to me in that week as much as before. I got really worried after he didn’t return any of my calls for 5 days, so I went to his apartment and found he didn’t go to work becaus his car was there and he was home, but he just didn’t open the door for me. I knew he doesn’t want me to see him being sick, he is that kind of metrosexual guys who care about their images alot lol. But I was really worried and frustrated after 5 days of no contact at all, so I waited at his door for about one hour and kept texting and calling…….I admitted to him that I lost my cool and didn’t handle the situation well. But he just completely withdrew himeself after that, and he changed his facebook status back to single and unfriended me. I think that’s a really demeaning way to breakup with someone. We are both mature adults here, we know at the end of a relationship you should breakup in person, especially after all those talks about Love and our Future together.

Are those all lies? Is he a liar?

Reply February 18, 2012, 2:01 pm

Eric Charles

Here’s the thing: He doesn’t treat you well now.
Everything you described makes me think you’re miserable right now and just hoping he’ll change.
The reality is that I see no reason he would stop treating you poorly. Currently, he treats you poorly and you are still around. He has “lost respect for you totally” and treats you this way and you put up with it and wish things will somehow improve.
I hate to be blunt, but I don’t see any reason why things would improve.
One of the BEST indicators whether you should be in a relationship is HOW YOU FEEL in the relationship (which, again, sounds like you’re miserable).
The only thing I could imagine changing a situation like this is if you left that guy and opened yourself to new dating possibilities.
And maybe, if the guy came back and BEGGED you for forgiveness and SHOWED you that he really cares and will never be that way again… then maybe he’ll have changed. Maybe.
But it sounds to me like you already know that if you just stay in the relationship doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue being treated that way. You need to do something dramatically different than what you’re doing now.

Reply February 18, 2012, 10:58 am


Hi Eric:
After reading your reply to Chole, I must say it was a heart breaking moment to learn the lesson hard but I hate to see that happens when a man suddenly withdraw himself without any warning signs. I also hate to say as a woman I do not like to be treated this way and nobody does when men treat us poorly and they can act whatever they want and still be able to walk out from the situation. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL! Do we women supposed to be treated like craps everytime when men fill us up with excuses? I’ve been following your blog and no offense I do appreciated the advice you gave us everytime. But I can’t help but wondering why men always withdraw themselves without any reasons and don’t they know it hurts us badly???

Reply June 3, 2012, 6:09 am


i have a boyfriend of 4 years. He was sweet at the beginning and i fell in love with that person. Now he keeps breaking of our relationship, he talks to me very badly whenever i try to connect with him, he has no time for me, he barely call me and text me. i have cried and begged him to treat me better and he would try to for couple days and then he’ll go right back to where he was. whenever he’s with me he behave better sort of but when he’s back home he’s that person who seems never to care at all. we live separately because he teaches in the country and i go to school in the town. He lost respect for me totally.
His he treating me like this because he knows i love him?
Will things get any better?
What else should i do? because it sucks to let all this time and effort that i put in this relationship to go down the drain

Reply February 17, 2012, 10:02 am


God Bless You

Reply August 24, 2014, 8:33 am


I personally think that if a man treats a woman like that. He is not in love or is not capable to love.

Reply November 11, 2014, 1:22 pm

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