10 Things Confident People Do Differently in Dating and Relationships post image

10 Things Confident People Do Differently in Dating and Relationships


Healthy self-esteem is a prerequisite for healthy relationships. From my personal experiences, and my years spent writing about relationships, I’ve learned that poor self-esteem is the number one cause of unhealthy relationships, as well as the top relationship killer.

Self-esteem isn’t an essential need like food or water, but it’s a supplement that can either dramatically improve your life, or keep you stunted and unfulfilled. The fact is, you can only let in as much love from the outside as you feel on the inside. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you will never truly believe that someone else can love you and you will constantly be on the lookout for the other shoe to drop, for the guy you care about to leave, thus validating the fact that you are unworthy of love.

Poor self-worth is what traps us in bad relationships, what sabotages new relationships, and what causes us to feel so devastated and broken when a relationship ends.

Self-esteem doesn’t come from blowing kisses to your reflection in the mirror or repeating “I love myself” over and over. It takes time and it takes work and it isn’t always easy. Everyone’s path will be different, but no matter what, having a picture of what high self-esteem looks like, and how it can play out in relationships, is helpful and can help reveal the areas you may need to work on.

Having high self-esteem doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship, but it does equip you with the skills to identify what you want and realize you deserve to get it, and the strength to walk away if something falls short. Here are ten things people with high self-esteem do differently in their relationships:

1. Confident women don’t analyze if he likes them – they assume he does.
People with high self-esteem believe they are worthy of love and don’t question how someone feels about them. They know that they are good, competent, and lovable and trust that the right person for them will see this. They don’t attach their worth to what a guy thinks and, as a result, don’t feel stressed and anxious when a guy’s feelings are unclear. Instead, they assume he likes them and are able to be present in the relationship and enjoy it without being weighed down by fears and doubts.

2. Confident people realize if a relationship falls apart it’s because it wasn’t right, not because they did something wrong.
confidence-tips-1-useNot everyone is a match and sometimes, two people are just incompatible. This doesn’t make either of them flawed or bad – sometimes it’s just not there. Confident women don’t take it personally when a guy doesn’t want a romantic relationship. They realize that it must not be the right match and they move on, with their sense of self firmly intact.

When a girl is insecure, however, and a guy leaves, she spirals. She may obsess, analyze, and replay every interaction in an attempt to uncover what she did wrong. She may know on a conscious level that it simply wasn’t a match, but deep down she holds on to the destructive belief that she was the problem…and that she is unlovable and the guys she wants will never want her back.

3.  Confident women set healthy boundaries.
Healthy personal boundaries and high self-esteem go hand in hand. Having strong boundaries means you prioritize your needs and your emotions and do not assume responsibility for someone else’s needs and emotions.

Confident women know what they will and will not accept and don’t allow themselves to be pressured or guilted into doing things they don’t want to do. They act in accordance with who they are and what they believe and don’t cater their behavior for a guy, or do things solely to keep him interested and happy. When you have weak boundaries, you may sell yourself out in a relationship and put up with treatment that you know is objectively unacceptable. Confident people don’t abandon parts of themselves in order to have a relationship. They bring their fully formed self into the relationship and if the guy wants something else, or something more, they leave.

A woman with healthy boundaries will not lose herself in a relationship, and will not allow her identity to be entirely contingent upon how he sees her. She will continue to maintain her own life outside of the relationship without giving up her friends, hobbies, or alone time. She won’t abandon important parts of herself or her life for the sake of the relationship and if a guy wants something else or something more than she’s willing to give, she’ll leave.

MORE: 5 Signs He’s Not The One

4. Confident women trust themselves and the decisions they make.
confidence-tips-2A key component of having high self-esteem is trusting yourself to make the right choices while also realizing you are well equipped to cope should things go awry. People with high self-esteem don’t constantly question their actions and feel conflicted about the right thing to say or do. They act on how they feel and are comfortable being their true, authentic selves.

People with low self-esteem don’t trust their judgment, don’t trust their gut instincts, and are afraid of being wrong. As a result, they either live their lives in a constant state of anxiety, or they look to others to guide them along the right path. This obviously does not do much to help one’s sense of autonomy, which is also a key element of healthy self-esteem.

5.  Confident women don’t show off or talk themselves up.
Confident people don’t need to tell the world how great they are. Only insecure people secretly feel that they are unworthy and feel the need to hide this by bragging about their achievements or talking themselves up.

A woman who reveals herself gradually, carefully peeling back the layers over time, is significantly more attractive than a woman who lays it all out there. When you feel that you are worthy, you don’t need to tell people…they just know. A big mistake insecure women make in the early stages of dating is selling themselves to a guy. This can be completely innocent, but it comes from a deeper sense of insecurity and inadequacy. Confident women don’t need to sell themselves; rather, they use dating as a means to determine which guys are worthy of their time and affection.

6. Confident women accept responsibility.
Couple Having Argument At Home
Confident people accept responsibility for their actions and emotions. They don’t blame or shame their partners if they feel unhappy and don’t accuse him of “making” them feel a certain way. They don’t blame men for being jerks and they don’t view themselves as the victims of other people and circumstances.

They realize that their time is their responsibility. As a result, they don’t wait around in dead-end relationships, hoping something will magically change. And they don’t blame their exes for wasting their time. They take responsibility for their choices, both good and bad, and use mistakes as opportunities to grow and become even better.

7. Confident women take the relationship for what it is and don’t need it to be a certain way.
Confident people feel secure in their relationships. They don’t need to have a title or a ring as some sort of confirmation that the guy cares. They are able to just be present and in the relationship and let it unfold organically, without force or pressure. This is not to say they stay with guys who won’t commit and are all cool and go-with-the-flow about it. If a guy can’t commit in the way they want, then they’ll move on. They are able to give and receive freely in their relationships and as a result, they don’t stress out about labels. They just know that if it’s right, it will work out. And if it’s not right, they’ll move on.

 8. Confident women don’t stay in bad relationships.
Confidence-tips-4Confident people do not stay in relationships where they don’t feel respected, appreciated, and valued. And they don’t assume full responsibility if a relationship isn’t working and take it upon themselves to try to solve the problem by giving and doing more. They aren’t afraid to walk away when something isn’t working and the thought that they won’t be able to find better or that they will wind up alone doesn’t cross their mind. The can quickly see when a situation is damaging and will remove themselves immediately.

Only insecure people put up with treatment that is unacceptable, in large part because they feel that that’s what they deserve on some level. When you learn to value yourself, you will weed out anyone who doesn’t truly value you.

 9. Confident women don’t desperately seek reassurance.
People with high self-esteem know they are loved and lovable. They don’t need a guy to remind them every day – it’s just something they feel and know. When you are insecure, you need constant validation and become resentful if your partner doesn’t give it to you. You blame him for “making you” feel insecure in the relationship, or unloved. You may work harder to try to please him and earn his love, or you may withhold your love and affection to even the score. This manifests as neediness (the number one relationship killer): you need constant reassurance and if you don’t get it, you lash out and blame your partner for not providing it.

The fact is, if you don’t feel good about yourself, nothing he does will ever … (continued – Click to keep reading 10 Things Confident People Do Differently in Dating and Relationships)

33 comments… add one

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Nikita

Yes I totally agree with you. We are all human, and no one is perfect. Even the most confident woman is vulnerable on the inside, and they’d be lying if they said they weren’t.

Reply May 26, 2016, 1:50 pm

Ginny

This is why women should date several men at once. You do not have to be perfect-looking to do this. Date several men at once; even the ones you don’t think you’d be that into. You’ll have fun getting out on dates, getting to know new people, and being flattered by eager suitors. This will allow you to decide, on your terms, who gets to move to the next level, instead of desperately hoping the one guy you’re seeing will fall in love with you and ruin the whole thing with your reek of desperation. Good luck, ladies. This stuff can be tough!

Reply April 21, 2016, 1:14 am

Meagan

I have so enjoyed reading y’all’s articles the last few days. They have been very enlightening. I do have a question though. What if you get to the following point in a relationship as you described in your article…
” What happens is the relationship becomes a battle of wills: you fight for validation, he retreats because he feels pressured and suffocated, you view his retreat as a sign he doesn’t love you and fall into despair, he resents that nothing he does is good enough and the fact that you don’t trust how he feels and stops trying, you see this as further proof he doesn’t care…and either the relationship ends or continues to make you both miserable indefinitely.”
I think my boyfriend and I have definitely hit that point. He says he wants to get married and when I ask him why he hasn’t proposed yet his response is always “I dunno”.
If I begin working on my own confidence and really want to make this relationship work do you think it will turn around? Do you think it could be a great relationship if I worked on myself??

Reply March 24, 2016, 3:38 pm

Jaimy

I think its important to realize that even confident and well-put together women make these mistakes. I know that I am a very confident woman who is able to do all the things on this list however there are times when men really do start to give mixed signals and you start to second guess his level of interest or his level of commitment and intent. I find that this usually happens right before the relationship becomes serious. I can easily do all of these things in the beginning but once it starts to look like my feelings are involved and he may be confused about if we should move forward or not, I start to react differently. It’s a very natural thing to do and no matter how confident you are, once you’ve been vulnerable with a love interest, that confidence starts to wane a little bit if you think that disappointment and rejection is nearing. Nonetheless, it doesn’t make you any less of a confident woman if you don’t do this stuff all the time. The best thing you can do is realize that its not going any where and walk away. That is what a confident woman does, she knows when to walk away.

Reply November 30, 2015, 9:52 am

Daniella

I absolutly love these articels. They help me out :). Thanks for writing and publicing them :). Greetings from the Netherlands ;). Daniella

Reply October 16, 2015, 6:14 am

Andrea

Thanks for this. To me it’s helpful. If you are not that confident and you want to learn how to be, this gives you a few tips to start with. Anyway knowing how confident women think made me realize I am thinking about some things in a way which hurt me instead of help. So you adopt a few of these ideas and use them in the vast and crazy world of dating. You need to protect yourself if you want to make it through some of the trials you will face.

Reply September 26, 2015, 9:55 pm

Nicole

I’m pretty sure this describes no living woman lol

Reply July 21, 2015, 2:19 am

Misty

Really confident women who have very high self-esteem won’t even BOTHER accepting a date from a guy who they instinctively know is not right for them so there is no worries about finding out if he is this or that and then having to leave. I also believe that having very healthy boundaries and high self-esteem allow women to be so alluring and sexy that even men who set out to never fall in love with them, just do. All sorts of men that are usually “unavailable” to normal women become fully and completely emotionally available to her. I know this because I’ve always somehow managed to get men who are emotionally unavailable to most women fall for me and fall so hard, THEY twist themselves into little pretzels to date ME!…

Reply July 18, 2015, 2:19 pm

Iza

You sound like you’re full of yourself and seek validation or something; you know there’s a difference between high self confidence and narcissism, right?

Reply July 27, 2015, 4:28 am

Tara

I don’t agree with your assessment of Misty at all Iza. If you put out what you want, you are going to get it back. That isn’t being narcissistic or seeking validation. I know, from personal experience as well. After 2 long term abusive relationships and going through abusive, controlling men, I finally learned that I am the one with the power and kicked all that sh!t to the curb. I will never date or have another relationship with an abusive, controlling man because I value myself and have high self-esteem and my results are just like Misty’s.

Reply June 18, 2016, 5:13 pm

Ivy

I am a little confused on #1. It’s great for a woman of confidence to assume a man likes her and just go out and enjoy the date. However, sometimes a man does in fact give a woman mixed signals or something will feel off to the woman that she doesn’t yet understand. Is a confident woman immune to rejection? No, I don’t think so. Confident women also find themselves with dates that might not be interested or compatible with them, or show them signs of interest. Does a confident woman not notice if she sees these signs? I don’t think so, I think a confident woman will in fact notice the signs. I think it’s not that having a date with a man who might not be interested in her, or who might give mixed signals isn’t a possibility, I think it might be in how she perceives it, the attention she gives it, or perhaps that she feels disinterested herself in the guy who may give a mixed signal. In any case I think I am interested in a bit more clarification on point #1 cause it seems a bit confusing and perhaps incomplete to me. In a perfect world a woman could be confident and not face rejection or disinterest but this isn’t a perfect world so how does it help for a confident woman to assume a man is interested even if she might get signals to the contrary?

Reply May 26, 2015, 1:50 pm

Misty

Hi Ivy,
If you are confused by this statement in the article, “Confident women don’t analyze if he likes them – they assume he does.”, I may be able to explain what it means to me and see if it resonates with you…To me, it means that by the time a confident woman starts dating a guy, there’s no doubt in her mind that he really likes her and wants to have a relationship with her. I know I don’t even pay no attention to men I might find physically attractive, and even single, but I won’t even CONSIDER a date with the guy if I sense he wouldn’t be a right fit for me. I tend to “analyze” the man at first meeting…in about the first 5 minutes, I pretty much KNOW if I’d ever want to date the guy or not. I don’t even consider these “encounters” as a guy meeting or flirting with me to see if he wants to go out with me. If I give a guy more than a passing moment’s attention, then he’s going to be someone worth pursuing and those guys ALWAYS treat me like a queen. Oh, at first they may be all fearful and “flighty/flakey” but after a couple of dates with me, they pretty much all fall in line. Men just tend to fall in love with me with or without my encouragement…THAT’S what having high self-esteem and self love can do for you.

Reply July 18, 2015, 2:35 pm

Jo

Difficult to know how to let a relationship unfold organically without stressing about it and knowing when he’s not going to commit and walk away!

Reply January 20, 2015, 12:45 pm

Estraya

I really enjoyed reading this! It only validated how confident and special I really am. I’m the type that will not accept just any man. If you don’t meet the qualities and expectations than I’m moving on. I have one gf who tells me I’m too picky. So what! It’s my life and I have that right. So again, thank you.

Reply October 27, 2014, 2:01 pm

Anja

You helped me sooooooooooo much!!!!!! Thank you so much! I hope you write more articles like this one. It made me feel alive, I empowered myself. Thank you again!

Reply October 23, 2014, 12:59 pm

Christie

While I understand the above statements, (and there is much logic to all of them) I find it interesting that the title says “people” and the content specifically speaks to “women.” I’m guessing because we are the biggest offenders as we are the more emotional gender.

I think there are conflicting messages here. While on one hand, according to this blog, a “confident” woman doesn’t “overthink” a man’s intentions and actions, this entire SITE is dedicated to deciphering a man’s actions and intentions. (“How to tell when he’s no longer interested.” “7 Ways to Get a Man to Love You …”) I think the above statements are utopian goals that we all try to achieve, (and they are good)but in reality, it is impossible to date and not get feelings involved. Even the most confident of people have deep-seated insecurities somewhere and we learn how to handle disappointment and rejection. Because even if we inherently understand that a date just wasn’t a “good fit,” it will still sting. It will still feel like rejection. I think the bigger goal is to learn how to manage the “sting” and move on without lasting effects on our self-worth.

I do understand the rationale behind the above statements and I get the concepts they are trying to convey. I just know that relationships aren’t like business transactions. I think it’s healthy to admit when you are hurt, insecure (etc.) instead of “acting” like none of it phased you. Once you deal with the reality of the situation, you can deal with it. You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.

Reply September 17, 2014, 12:36 pm

Eric Charles

I think you make good points in your comment and I also think that I can clarify this a bit…

In running a site like A New Mode, we need to speak to the burning question that a reader has when they’re in pain. It’s not that we’re looking to teach people how to play “emotional detective” better – it’s that if someone is clicking on this or that article, we know where their head is at and we know how we can help them get out of pain and on a path that will lead them to clarity, happiness and peace.

Many of the readers are smart women who have their lives together… but at some point, they find themselves in a situation where they’re completely overwhelmed with emotion over their situation and they can’t untangle the mess. So, for example, when I’m writing about signs a man is losing interest, I’m not launching into a bunch of ways to read his mind… I’m speaking to someone in the head space of worrying about her relationship and saying, “Look – step one is get to a place of clarity and bring as much happiness into your life from as many other areas of your life as you can. Once you do, a lot of what was bothering you will improve and your mind will show you the right path for anything you need to do from there (now that you’re in a calmer, clearer place)…

Long story short, we need to start with where the reader is before we can help them see the way out of their troubles. I’ve never advocated acting like/pretending you’re one way and secretly you’re dying inside… that would essentially be telling them to build an elaborate mask/wall and would be counter to a good relationship.

What we advocate is being able to approach your relationship and communication in a way that will bring more love, more understanding and more connection into the relationship. Hopefully that brings another level of context into what Sabrina wrote here.

Reply September 20, 2014, 8:46 pm

Ralphie

I agree wholeheartedly with your post. I am a very confident woman but I am not a perfect woman, there is a different between the two. I think it is easy for me to do all the things on this list when I am getting to know someone and we have not yet been intimate. But once we pass a certain threshold, it is difficult to maintain a certain face when you start to realize that you may get hurt if things don’t work out. So naturally, you begin to do things a little differently from the way you did them at first. Everyone’s insecurities start to rear their little ugly heads around this time. And yes, everyone has them. What I think its important for women to understand is that at the point where you stop feeling as confident, it usually happens when you are catching feelings and need reassurance. And if the man is not reassuring you at this point, then your feelings are valid and it is not indicative of low self esteem or a lack of confidence. All of my dating situations that turned into real relationships involved me feeling pretty secure the majority of the time. And I felt secure because the man made me feel secure about his intentions. It’s hard to remain confident, rather you are a man or a woman, when you start to catch feelings and the other person isn’t reassuring you that they feel the same with their words or actions. . I think the true sign of a confident woman is learning when to walk away. Don’t linger in these situations too long. Trying to remain calm, cool, and collected when deep down inside you feel uneasy and anxious is not good for you or the other person. It is a sign that something is off if you have to try to be all of these things. Confidence is knowing when to walk away.

Reply November 30, 2015, 10:16 am

maria

Thank you, Sabrina!

This article is one of the best and most important ones in here. I totally agree with every word in it.

High self-esteem does not only have a positive effect on your love life, but on your whole life in general – it simply makes you a magnet to all sorts of good things.

I agree our parents in a way shape who we are, but IMO the main reason for low self-esteem is FEAR (fear of being different, of what people will think and of being judged), and not poor parenting, and therefore the focus should be on to free yourself from fear instead of analyzing things that happened in your childhood.

I wish every girl in here would read, learn from and take this article to their heart. I wish them the great great life that comes with doing so/it.

Reply August 8, 2014, 1:36 am

Ashlyn

Thanks Maria, I think my low self esteem is to do with the fear of people judging me like you said. I hate feeling this way but I can’t help it. I’m 25 and I just hope I can grow out of this because it’s so silly. Every time I do something that causes me anxiety I just say to myself “What are you afraid of?” and the answer is usually something ridiculous and i try to shrug it off 🙂

Reply August 8, 2014, 9:26 am

cfw

Excellent advice. Hit home for me. In a nutshell, and ex from 20 yrs ago moved in next door the same day I did, sparks flew like they did 20 yrs ago we started dating again. Been hot and cold…more hot than cold. Hes getting over a fwb who he developed feelings for so its been an experience and through this I definately learned some real important issues about myself and this website has really helped me understand that even though I believe Im doing the right things that im actually sabotaging and if you can find that confidence the rejection does not have to be painful. Water off a ducks back. Thanks

Reply August 7, 2014, 7:33 pm

Brandi

I really appreciate this. I must say that having your own self confidence can be alot of work on your part to work on you but once achieved its totally worth it. I really think that this is a progression for all of us to try to have a healthy self-esteem and I think we all should remind ourselves how worthy we are to ourselves and that life is too short to stay insecure.

Reply August 6, 2014, 8:10 pm

TJ

This article is very well written and right on time for me. Just what I needed to hear. Thank you, thank you!

Reply August 6, 2014, 5:25 pm

mitsu

Some inspiring tips here. What I did in a relationship just proofed me not a woman with high self esteem. But how can I boost it up?

Reply August 6, 2014, 2:10 am

mitsu

Hi Sabrina, it’s great that I received your email telling us how to value ourselves the next day after I made my comments when I’m struggling how to improve it…lots of thanks! I’m trying it out now.

Reply August 11, 2014, 12:27 am

Robbie

This is a great article and i love all the new mode relationship advice. I just want to say something about this article that is important. A confident person had a secure attachment as a child. So confidence was a gift given by good parenting. Insecure people have had difficult attachments as children and insecure parenting, so it is not their fault that they are like this. Insecurity is not something that should be judged, not can it be easily changed by following these excellent instructions.

I have found that going to a good therapist and dealing with my attachment issues has been very worthwhile and has helped to change my behaviour. Without that professional help i was just feeling frustrated that i could not seem to magically reach the level of healthiness and confidence that is so well illustrated in this article.

Reply August 5, 2014, 9:44 pm

Bec

I completely agree. You have phrased that really well. Life as an insecure adult working through attachment issues is challenging. It’s like other kids got something special that you’re trying to make up for. It’s a long and interesting journey. I think I’ve finally had the last of the bad choices in relationships. I can really see how my behaviour drives this and I’d love to do things differently. Some therapy and meditation has really helped.

Reply August 7, 2014, 9:15 am

estrella

I truly love all these comments. I’ve been in a relationship not heathy for me. Now I have no clue how to meet men.I have been always from my job to the house not having any type of outside social life.

Reply August 5, 2014, 8:33 pm

Norly Soleha

Gosh… reading this article makes me realize how low my confident is. The guy I really like ended our relationship and I was confused. When I read each point, they are all describing me. I have things to focus now, which is my confident and self-esteem.

Reply August 5, 2014, 7:51 pm

Kassaundra

I’m confused……how can you say self-esteem ISN’T necessary, when based on everything stated in your article, it IS?! Self-Esteem IS essential AND vital to any type of relationship (work, personal, romantic) because like you said “poor self-worth is what traps us in bad relationships, what sabotages new relationships, and what causes us to feel so devastated and broken when a relationship ends.” I agree that self-esteem doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship, but it does make the process easier, more enjoyable, and less stressful. Without self-esteem a woman will “attach her worth to a guy; she won’t know what not to accept and will allow herself to be pressured or guilted into doing things she doesn’t want to do; she won’t act in accordance with who she is and she believes; she will cater her behavior for a guy or do things solely to keep him interested and happy; she won’t learn to value herself and weed out anyone who doesn’t truly value her.” So again, how is self-esteem NOT necessary? Like the old saying goes “if you don’t love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?”

Reply August 5, 2014, 7:25 pm

Jamie

This article hit home for me. When you don’t value yourself, you’ll be attracted to those who don’t value you either? Needed to hear that. Because you’ll walk away or not be able to receive the ones who do actually value you. Thanks 🙂

Reply August 5, 2014, 6:02 pm

Shar

Once again, blown away!! Realitycheck.com saving this in my favorites… thanks again 🙂

Reply August 5, 2014, 4:21 pm

Christy

Thank you for writing this.

Reply August 5, 2014, 2:45 pm

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