9 Biggest Reasons Why the No Contact Rule Always Works post image

9 Biggest Reasons Why the No Contact Rule Always Works


Let’s talk about the no contact rule … the only “rule” we really support here at A New Mode!

Breakups are brutal, there are no two ways around it. You feel empty and broken, and there’s the pain … so much pain. The pain of no longer having the person who you love. It doesn’t get much tougher than that.

You’re also gripped by confusion. There is a part of you that desperately wants him back, and there’s another part of you that wants to move on.

Most of all, you just want to feel better and one of the biggest post-breakup mistakes is thinking that the only way you’ll feel better is if you get him back. You’re in a massive amount of pain and just want to make it go away.

But it doesn’t come through staying in touch with him or continuing to see him. That only makes things worse. What solves everything is following the no contact rule.

Read on to find out what it’s all about and why it always works.

The No Contact Rule

Whether you want to get over him or get him back … there is one thing you need to do. You need to make a clean break and cut off all communication with him. You need to follow the no contact rule. I’m sure you’ve heard about this before… and for good reason, it works!

I get e-mails almost daily from women telling me they started following the no contact rule and now their ex is begging for them back! (Whether they should take him back or not is a different story …)

After a breakup, your ex is essentially heroin. He is a drug and you are a junkie and you’ll do anything to get your fix even though you know it’s terrible for you.

MORE: 5 Hidden Signs Your Ex Still Loves You 

Maybe he broke up with you … you are in literal agony… then he messages you a few days later wanting to get together, and boom! You’re high and it feels amazing. But then he’s gone again and you go through withdrawal. But then he texts you! Ahh, sweet relief … again followed by crushing disappointment.

He can give you a your “fix” through many means- calls, texts, face time, snapchats, tweets , meeting for coffee, meeting for some in-between the sheets action.

Just like any junkie, you need to detox in order to recover. And the best way to detox is to quit cold turkey. You will never move on with him right there in front of you. You also will ruin your chances of getting back together and making it last this time.

When a relationship ends, all the reasons it ended are still there. The issues didn’t magically repair themselves. If you get back together because you miss each other nothing will be different and you’ll just go through the same cycle of breaking up and making up… and this can go on for years! Who has that kind of time to waste?

Having a no-contact period will give you perspective and clarity, and these two things give you power. They give you the power to choose what is best for you. Maybe you and your ex will get back together … maybe not. But the answer is definitely not if you don’t go through a period of no contact.

MORE: How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Forever

What does no contact mean?

It means no contact. I recommend a period of at least four weeks. Yes, I know that can feel like an eternity, but it works if you work it.

During the no contact period, you are to have zero contact with your ex:

  • No texts
  • No calls
  • No Facebook messages (and no liking his status updates or commenting)
  • No Snapchats
  • No tweets
  • No going out of your way to stage an “accidental” run-in with him
  • No responding when he contacts you
  • No going places you think he might be
  • No stalking his social accounts (OK, this technically isn’t making “contact” but it’s just as self-sabotaging, so we’ll through that in)

(For a more in-depth discussion on the no contact rule, make sure to read this article: Everything You Need to Know About the No Contact Rule)

Now that we’ve discussed why you need to do it, let’s talk about exactly why it works.

Reasons Why the No Contact Rule Always Works:

1.Gives You Space to Detox

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” – Mandy Hale

A breakup can be a highly emotional experience, you need time and space to detox from it all. You need to feel your feelings, you need to mourn, and you need to just be with yourself.

MORE: The Real Reasons It’s So Hard to Get Over Your Ex 

It’s a process. And this process will be interrupted if your ex keeps coming in and out of your life. Don’t fool yourself: this will mess with your head.

It doesn’t mean he’s trying to mess with you intentionally. He’s probably also hurting and he misses you and he wants to make sure you’re OK.

Engaging with him is the surest way to not be OK. You need time to process.

2. It will give you perspective

Where feelings are involved, it’s almost impossible to be objective. You need the flames of the feelings to simmer down before you can start to see things clearly.

With a little bit of distance, you’ll be able to see where things went wrong. Breakups usually have a surface reason and a real reason. A relationship doesn’t unravel overnight, it happens steadily over time and is the result of a buildup of problems, resentment,  and negativity.

You didn’t break up because you had a big fight … you had a big fight because there was a lot happening beneath the surface causing the relationship to disintegrate, and this manifested as a big fight, or maybe several fights.

There were underlying issues — you may not even know what those issues are until you step outside of it. Distance will give you objectivity. This is impossible to obtain when you’re in a highly emotional state.

MORE: How Guys Deal With Breakups

3. It will help you get over him

As they say… time heals. But as I say, it isn’t a passive process, it’s active. Time won’t heal anything if you continue to see and speak to your ex. The combination of time and space is what heals.

The no-contact period gives you time to go through the stages of grief, and this is a necessary part of healing. You can’t get over him if he’s right there in front of you. All you’ll focus on is how badly you want him and how much you miss him … and not on whether he’s the right guy for you, which is what you should be thinking about.

You may discover unexpected things. Maybe you notice that you actually feel happier and more like yourself without him in the picture.

The point is, you will never extinguish your feelings for him if he’s right there lighting the candle every time it blows out.

MORE: How Do I Reconnect With Him After Cutting Off Contact

4. You can open yourself up to other guys

You might not be ready to date at this moment, but you’ll be better able to see opportunities when your ex isn’t blocking your view.

When he’s out of the picture, you open up space for someone else to step in. Even if you don’t actually pursue anything, you will be better able to see what’s out there.

You may find you get excited about the prospect of dating someone new… of being in a healthier relationship.

And I just want to share a quick cautionary tale. Many moons back, I was entangled in a toxic relationship … and was devastated when my toxic partner broke up with me, although I could clearly see that it wasn’t working. He suggested we go through a period of three weeks of no contact. After that, we would reassess.

Three weeks?! That’s like an eternity! I felt like I physically wouldn’t be able to function without him in my life, I didn’t know how I would survive.

The beginning was tough, but soon enough I started to feel really good, I started feeling almost like myself again. I felt free and like a huge weight has been lifted. And in an unexpected twist, I started dating someone new. He just kind of plopped into my life and he was wonderful. He was nice and normal and stable and so, so sweet. But almost as if my love life was rigged with an alarm, the second I was happy and moving on, Mr. Toxic Ex swooped right back in. He missed me. He needed me. He wanted to see me. And so I gave in … because I couldn’t handle the hardest part of the no contact rule… the part where he reaches out to you.

Long story short, I ended up getting back together with Toxic and it was a huge mistake. The second breakup was even more devastating and did a huge number on me. Don’t make this mistake!

MORE: The More Distant I Act, The More Interested He Becomes

5. You avoid the endless on/off relationship cycle

You might think it’s no big deal to meet up with your ex for a drink … or to show up at his door when he drunk dials you at 2 am … but these are massive mistakes.

For one, you risk getting into what I call a post-relationship relationship, which I consider to be the worst type of relationship. You talk sometimes, hang out sometimes, but you’re in relationship no-mans-land.

None of the issues ever get solved. You get into a pattern of breaking it off, missing each other, getting together, feeling high on infatuation, realizing (again) that it isn’t working, breaking it off, and repeating the cycle. This has toxic written all over it.

You need a break. You need to process. You need to move on. If you really want him back, you may mistakenly think that you’ll have a better chance if you go to him when he wants to see you but the opposite is true.

You’ll have a better chance of getting him back if you move on, if you heal yourself. If it didn’t work, it won’t work unless something significant changes … and change takes time and takes work. Missing someone isn’t enough for a relationship to last.

MORE: When The No Contact Rule Works And When It Doesn’t

6. Gives you the chance to put the pieces of your life back together

Think of yourself as Humpty Dumpty after his great fall. You need to put yourself back together.

You need to get back in touch with who you were. It’s easy to get lost in a relationship, especially a bad relationship with all its drama and highs and lows and fights and makeups.

Chances are things were bad for a while, and chances are it had you feeling really bad. You will keep pouring salt into the proverbial wound if you stay in touch with him.

You need to spend time working on your relationship with yourself. This is the key to having successful relationships with others. And this just won’t be possible if you’re still in close contact with him.

7. You need to remember you can live without him

I know how you feel. It literally feels like he’s oxygen and you will cease to exist without him. But you will go on! And life will go on. And you can live without him. You might even find you live better without him.

But you won’t know that unless you experience life without him. You need to re-learn what you’re made of, you need to smile again without him. You need to stand on your own and sure enough, you’ll find that you can function, possibly even better than before.

MORE: Why the No Contact Rule Works Every Time

8. Prevents you from seeing what he’s up to… because sometimes you really don’t want to know

So let’s say you don’t follow the sage advice in this article and you stay in touch with your ex … and he starts seeing another girl. How does that feel?

The answer: crushing.

The only way you’ll know what he’s up to is if you don’t follow the no contact rule, or if you do, but you break the rule within the rule, which is not to check up on him on social media.

Even if he isn’t the guy for you, seeing him with another girl will be profoundly painful. If you follow the no contact rule, you spare yourself from this sort of agony. You keep the focus on you, not on him.

MORE: The New And Improved No Contact Rule

9. It gives him the space to miss you

Really, the no contact rule is about you and about re-connecting to yourself. An added bonus is that it will make your ex miss you.

But please don’t use it as a means to get him back. Can it work? Yes, absolutely, it does all the time. But it will only really work if you do the work. As in, you work on yourself during this time and gain all the benefits of the no contact period.

We all have a tendency to idealize the past, to romanticize what we don’t have anymore. When you’re not a presence in his life, this is what will naturally happen. But again, it won’t work out unless things change and change starts from within.

It starts with you because you’re the only person that you can control. So take the time to work on yourself, to get back to yourself, to just be by yourself, and if he reaches out when the no contact period is up (minimum of four weeks), then you may have a shot the second time around.

MORE: How To Make Your Ex Miss You After A Breakup

Final thoughts

I’m not saying it’s impossible to get back together with an ex. I mean, I married an ex boyfriend, so I’m all for making it work the second time around! But in order to get him back, you have to first get over him. It may sound counterintuitive, but that’s just the truth of the matter.

And if he doesn’t want to get back together after a period of no contact… then at least you’ve already started the moving on process. You may even discover that you don’t want to get back together with him after your period of no contact. No matter what the outcome, it is always in your favor and that is why the no contact rule always works.

MORE: Does The No Contact Rule Really Work?

I hope this article helped you understand the no contact rule and why it always works. But there is more to the story. It is possible to get your ex back, but it won’t happen because you want it to. You can get him back, but you need to know a few things. Do you know what makes your ex desperately miss you and realize you were the “one”? If not, you need to read this article next: Do You Want Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Use This to Get Him Back...

Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?

Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Can You Get Your Ex Back” Quiz right now and find out if you can get your ex back or if he’s gone for good...

In summary…

Reasons the No Contact Rule Always Works:

  1. Gives You Space to Detox
  2. It will give you perspective
  3. It will help you get over him
  4. You can open yourself up to other guys
  5. You avoid the endless on/off relationship cycle
  6. Gives you the chance to put the pieces of your life back together
  7. You need to remember you can live without him
  8. Prevents you from seeing what he’s up to… because sometimes you really don’t want to know
  9. It gives him the space to miss you

reasons why the no contact rule always works

19 comments… add one

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Kay

I was with my ex for 4 1/2 years. This was both of our first real long term relationships. We had a great connection, always laughing and communicating with each other on a daily basis. We had a lot of the same interests and never really argued, a few niggles here and there but nothing major. We always called each other soulmates and said we’d be lost without each other. We had plans of moving in together in the future.
At the time I got together with my ex a traumatic event happened in my life which I still to this day feel like I haven’t dealt with properly which I am beginning to work through now. My ex stuck with me through that, making the effort to make me happy everyday and I appreciate him for that. I know this event changed me in a way where I would lash out at him over the slightest things, not at the start of the relationship but more so up until a year ago I would let the little things bother me. I see that now. Two weeks to the day is when we split. I had called him up to see how he was doing and to check if he’d still be coming over for the night and the next thing it seemed like he was trying to cause an argument and stated over the phone he did not want to be in a relationship anymore and that he thinks it’s all started going downhill. He kept asking me what I thought about him saying we should end it and I just didn’t really know what to say as I did not take it seriously at first, it’s the first I’ve heard him mention anything like this. His reasons for wanting to split were that he could not deal with the way I act anymore, he doesn’t want to feel closed in and he doesn’t want to deal with all the things that come with a relationship. He said he remembers how it used to be, I’m assuming he means not being in a relationship and living the single life. He has told me he has had enough and he has made his decision, it’s not going to change. He also said he has been thinking about this for 2 – 3 months. I told him that I wish he communicated how he felt as we wouldn’t be in this situation now.
I admit I text and called him a few days following the break up to try and meet up so we could talk properly, to which he has refused and told me we both just have to ‘accept it’ and then he just ignored my follow up messages. I left it a week to give him some space and contacted once again to see if he would be willing to talk and he ignored me again so I haven’t contacted since and I don’t plan to.
It’s just a lot of years and effort to throw away. He told me he loved me and cares for me and things are good when we’re okay but he just doesn’t want any of it anymore.
He recently got back in contact with his old friends who he hasn’t bothered with for a while and I see that he has made various social media accounts to get back in contact with other people. Whether this is all him feeling trapped from being in a relationship for so long and just wanting to get some space I don’t know. But I just feel like he doesn’t plan on contacting me ever again after all the years we shared together.

Reply August 9, 2019, 7:10 am

Kim K

Did you marry the ex that you broke up with temporarily to get back with your toxic significant other??? Very serious question

Reply July 30, 2019, 7:44 pm

Kris Neilson

Hi Sabrina. I met a man online about a year and a half ago. We lived some distance away from each other and before we were able to meet he started dating someone else (I didn’t know this until we finally met) and cut off communication. I was a bit too persistent and continued to text him periodically. We now live in the same town and We did finally run into each other and met at a music event. We started spending time together and sex was immediate. We hit it off fast and furious and had a great time together. I’ll fast forward to about 9 months later when he told me he didn’t see a future with me and wasn’t attracted to me the same way I was to him. He couldn’t pinpoint why and said I was “great” and he loved me as a friend. I have been reading your articles religiously and I was too pushy, needy, texted too much, I did all the stuff I wasn’t supposed to do! I am 54, he is 60. We’re not kids. I realized for the first time in my life I had become a placeholder. He wanted to date someone else. I was just filling a void in between women he wanted to date. So, yes…I proceeded again to do everything WRONG after he told me this. I begged and wrote long emails, texts, all that stuff that are big no-no’s. The thing is we truly enjoy each others’ company. Our interests, our values, everything is easy and aligned and he wants me in his life as a friend. I told him I would not be a placeholder. We’ve had some wonderful talks about it since, but the truth is I do want a relationship with him. It’s been a few months since he dropped the bombshell on me about wanting to date. We’ve both admitted our ownership in the placeholder scenario. I was not confident in myself and it definitely came across in my pursuit of him. We stay in contact but I have been weaning myself off of texting him. He is in another relationship though I don’t know if it’s serious. I am curious if I should try to remain good friends with him and let myself heal, if I should go into no-contact, or how to approach this. I have gone on a few dates…all of which have been horrible which only makes me miss him more. I also am curious if I should tell him that I want a relationship with him before I proceed into no contact or if I should just “disappear” without warning and let nature take its’ course. I am also confused about how to respond if/when he does reach out during no contact. Last night I was out at an event with friends and he was there with his date. When he saw me he made eye contact and did so repeatedly during the event though I tried to act like I didn’t notice. He was keeping his distance but not ignoring me. I played it cool and didn’t say much as I was with friends, but just curious to wonder why he made intentional moves to look my way and to establish eye contact.

Reply July 22, 2019, 12:20 pm

Amanda

I broke up with my boyfriend of one year about 3 weeks ago and started doing NC right away. We left with no fights, no hard feelings, love each other and want the best for each other, etc. We have incredible chemistry but the timing isn’t right. He was content to just talk on the phone for months–our conversations are always amazing but they ended up just being heartbreaking for me because he never made time to actually go out with me. Anyway, I broke up with him and told him I was going to do NC for a “long time” which means until he’s inspired to change… if ever. He agreed, but I really think he didn’t believe I would be able to do it. We go to the same church and I’ve been doing really well avoiding him. Anyway, my mom (who is 30 years older than us, but still beautiful in her 60s) also goes to our church. For the last 2 weeks, he and she have both gotten there before me and he approaches her and flirts with her! Tells her she looks beautiful, carries on a conversation, etc. Of course she tells me everything he says (we’re best friends) and she likes the flattery. He does have a habit of flirting with older ladies, which never bothered me before. But my mom?! Really?! I wanted SO badly to text him and call him out on it today but I didn’t do it. (And, tbh, he didn’t ask a thing about me either time which hurt my feelings a bit!) Why does he think throwing his charms at my MOM is appropriate? Should I make an exception and ask him to leave her alone, or just ignore his ridiculousness?

Reply July 16, 2019, 12:12 am

Beth

I’m new to this no contact rule. I’ve been married x 2 and never wanted my exes back; I was always the dumper, always. Therefore, if I wanted any of my exes back I knew I could immediately have them with me again. In the back of my mind I could have exes back anytime because they begged..so I had (noticed I said had) 100% comeback rate. I’m back on the market & for the first time in my entire life I was recently dumped. I couldn’t believe the words that were coming from his mouth. I knew he wasn’t sure, the hurt in his tone, I could hear those sounds (I’ve heard it oh so many times in past relationships). I didn’t beg, I told him to throw away my belongings. Then, he confirmed what I had felt. By becoming angry when I told him to just throw my things out or give them away, I knew he wasn’t 100% sure of letting me go. He ended the conversation then my heart DROPPED to the floor. For the first time in my life, a man made me cry. All the tv shows I’ve watched as women cried over a break up, I couldn’t understand how someone could be so devastated over a man. Then it dawned on me…I actually let my guard down; 9 yrs of celibacy thrown out the window. You see, after my last divorce I kept my legs closed as I dated the same man on and off for 9yrs (our plans for marriage fell through). Anyway, the man & only man that broke my heart was only supposed to be my rebound but ended up being the first man I’d try using the no contact rule on in my entire life. Noticed I said tried. I made it to day 17. Sadly, my car battery died, it happened to be on a Friday the weekend of my flight out of town. I called an Uber to work then called him to fix my car. He did…after telling me no first. With that said, he left his job to come pick up my keys, drove back to my house to get the battery info, picked up & paid for the battery & fixed my car. Later he gave me the receipt as I hugged & thanked him. I could see the hurt in his eyes. I thought if I gave him a couple more days he’d change his mind & we’d be back together. Boy did he give me the silent treatment. I got no response! None! Nada! Zip! I cried & cried but he never knew the pain he handed me. Then I got myself together by joining a dating website, reading, running more at the beach & lake etc… I focused on me now. I started feeling so much better it became a good time for me. Bam, another 14 dys of no contact…just when I thought things were getting better, he viewed my dating profile. He joined the same sight. He had to search for me because you wouldn’t find me unless you put in my age, height, marital status etc… He hurt the heck out of me. I broke another no contact rule & sent him a message on that sight asking him how he liked my profile. Two months of both of us breaking the no contact rule, we had our first date, second date, multiple texts in between. I spent the night at his house but didn’t sleep with him, I said nope. So we just held one another. He asked me is there someone else. How the hell can there be someone else when I still cry over him I thought to myself. He said he’s sorry for everything but the pain is a pain I call Karma and she’s a bi**h. Karma gave me the pain I inflicted on other men…it came back to haunt me. Regardless, yes, I can sleep with him again. We kissed passionately, I love him I wanted that much, but he never told me why he left me. I asked, he said it’s not you its me, oh please, really? Lame but okay. He left me and gave me the silent treatment. Even after our dates, I wasn’t first place anymore. No good morning or good night hun sweetheart texts, no phone calls when he’s leaving work, no more weeknights together, no all day Sat or Sundays together..all that…still gone. I didn’t ask to spend that much time together he suggested them. We can sit down talk, kiss, & make up, try to get all of that history back in due time, but I cant trust him. I picture us married but in the back of my mind he can come home one day only to end our marriage with no REAL explanation. Im letting him go and I’ll deal with the pain now vs take the risk in a marriage & hurt worse later. No contact rule? What contact rule? When both people want each other bad enough they DON’T want the no contact rule. Heck, he broke it & I broke the darn thing. As of today, I’m striving for healing, I don’t have that horrible urge to text or call. I’m starting a new chapter in my life. Karma paid me a visit now she’s gone. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m striving for a healthy lifestyle and RIGHT now I’m no good for the RIGHT man.

Reply July 6, 2019, 3:55 pm

Mary

Hi Sabrina. Ive done my NC only for 5 days until my ex reached out to me. The first time i didn’t respond, but i did the second time around. He insisted on being friends, but after he ditched me when he said he would go out with me for a coffee, i became angry, so i told him not to talk to me again, cause i realised that being friends would be too painful for me. What should i do now? Thanks, Sabrina!

Reply June 2, 2019, 10:47 am

Mary

Hi Chris. Ive done my NC only for 5 days until my ex reached out to me. The first time i didn’t respond, but i did the second time around. He insisted on being friends, but after he ditched me when he said he would go out with me for a coffee, i became angry, so i told him not to talk to me again, cause i realised that being friends would be too painful for me. What should i do now? Thanks, Chris.

Reply June 2, 2019, 10:46 am

Charisma

Hi sabrina! it has been six days now, i broke up with my boyfriend after finding out that he is now attached to his baby mama, i called to check of him on friday last week and the baby mama picked my call, she didnt like it though! and told my boyfriend that he should tell me to stop calling and texting him and he did that and denied me to her baby mama that he knew me, obviously they got back together but i never knew, i still love him due to the fact that i believe that he is future husband,i met him spiritually in my dreams in 2014 and met him physically in 2017, i real believe in God cz he does communicate to me about this man… i know that what he does, he does it for the sake of the baby… right now i am hurt and i am trying no contact rule, but i keep on sneaking of his whats app Dps, is it healthy that i can block him from whats app till i am healed, wont i loose him for good.

Reply April 24, 2019, 9:48 am

Ronald

Hi! This is very interesting but I don’t understand something. My ex girlfriend broke up with me. I started no contact and 2 months after she texted me and said: hi and hope you are doing well. Just wanted to say hello. 4 hours after I replied and sai: hi, I am doing well and hope you too, thanks. 1 day after she texted back: I am very happy to hear you are doing well. I am doing well too. I got a new job 3 weeks ago.. Smiley face. I am being polite and having class. Our breakup wasn’t bad at all. 1 day after I texted: congratulations on your new job, smiley face and hope you like it and glad to hear you are doing well. She replied 7 minutes after telling everything about her new job. Then she asked about my job and I said that I was doing something else and the other job will be back soon and I working hard on a steady job with benefits. I could realize that she wanted to now about my new job but I did not give her information about me, my life… She broke up with me.. Then she texter: that’s great.. Smiley face.  Then I said: I’ve been working hard to meke things happen. This is about a new job that I want to start. She replied smiley face again. 15 minutes after I replied with 2 hands praying. It’s been 2 weeks now and I didn’t hear from her again. Special dates are coming and makes me very sad because I won’t be able to celebrate with her and her family. It hurts…
Do
Any idea why she texted me and vanished? This is confusing and I really want to understand why..
Thanks and I appreciate any help!

Reply March 27, 2019, 10:38 am

myvoicemod.com

love is always work

Reply February 24, 2019, 6:38 am

Steven

My ex girlfriend broke up with me 2 and a half weeks ago. She broke the news of the break up and let me know she is moving to Boston and got a new job. I had no clue she had even applied for a job in another city. She says she still loves me and I’m her best friend but doesn’t know if that’s enough. I have horrible anxiety and had a major attack and reach out to her for help. I have now gone to a therapist and gotten medicine for my anxiety and will continue to go. I have now realized how much my anxiety affected our relationship. I haven’t spoken with her in a week. She leaves for Boston in about a week. Do I reach out to her for one last dinner to wish her good luck and goodbye or should I continue no contact and not say goodbye?

Reply January 20, 2019, 4:25 pm

Lon

I have been following the no contact rule ever since the breakup happened. I’m still on the process and I must say that I feel a little better now. I will need more time to heal, 6 years of togetherness and it took a few days for her to turn me into a stranger and move on.

Reply January 15, 2019, 9:54 pm

Joan

This rule is just for women? Really? Only men are the problematic and abusive side?

Reply October 15, 2018, 10:35 pm

Michelle

Hello. 2 years in and we completely lost our relationship somewhere.

We own a travel trailer together and I have an off road vehicle at his house. Should I settle all of that before no contact? I’m stuck because if we settle it before, it will for sure be final. But if we don’t, he will have a negative reason to contact me.

Also, of we do not settle it before no contact, is it ok to ignore him if he does text to figure it out?

Thank you for your wisdom.

Reply August 21, 2018, 4:13 am

KL

My ex and I have children (one is severely disabled) and he took this rule on. But forever…

I think the psychologists and agony aunts who recommend this as a ‘one size fits all, fix’, need to be appreciative of the fact there are so many different people out there,,with so many different circumstances, that need to be taken into account. Blanket advice for break-ups cannot hope to be correct advice for more than a third of the population, at most.

People who have OCD or other mental health quirks or issues, can end up taking it literally and in our case, for 24 years!!
In my ex’s case, it has resulted in the most pathetic display of childishness and irresponsible parenting, I could ever have imagined. He rarely visits our son, doesn’t buy him anything or help him with things.

The worst part is, he still insists on equal control – pushing his weight around on decisions over our son’s life but doesn’t discuss anything with me first and goes to the agencies who do the 24/7 care, completely bypassing me. Telling them not to tell me he’s said this and that!

I appreciate my case is different to ‘the norm’ but those with kids and disabled kids or weird ex’s, are out here, do also still need to be counted and considered before ‘one size fits all’ advice is dished out randomly, as the correct way to behave.

My life is a nightmare and my ex makes it impossible for me to just get on with just being a good mum and having any real quality of life with my children. Interfering but never caring.

He’s one very bitter, twisted, self centred old man and uses this as a control and manipulation that was in our marriage, against all that I am. Even now…He doesn’t care that it’s not good for our lovely children.

I wish he would be a good and caring Dad who will discuss things amicably with me for the sake of our children.
Failing that – Be a good Dad who leaves daily decision making to Mum.
Failing that – I wish he’d go away and leave us alone. So that I can be a good and devoted Mum to my adorable children, without all his meddling, destructive ways and let just me pick up the pieces for this family.

Rant over! :-)

Reply August 7, 2018, 2:56 am

RB

Yes, how do you enforce the no contact rule with a child. I love him so much but our relationship is toxic. I need to make sure it’s over but I Just can’t cut ties as we coparent. I try to keep communication to a minimum. Any advice?

Reply June 2, 2019, 6:49 am

Myrelationships Center

You are so incredibly right! I just find it really interesting that you’ve put, keep sharing

Reply July 27, 2018, 3:32 am

Kate

Hi Sabrina! I got back in touch after 30 days of no contact and he told me he’d “met someone.” It was absolutely crushing. It’s been about 2 months of absolutely zero contact since then. I have no idea what he’s up to or if he’s still seeing this rebound, but I miss him every day and it’s a struggle not to snoop his social media. I don’t know if I should reach out or just try to move on and let him reach out to me (maybe? someday? I wish I knew what he was thinking). Any advice? Thanks!

Reply June 7, 2018, 7:45 am

Sabrina Alexis

Definitely, do NOT reach out. I think you need to focus on moving on. Part of why the no contact rule works is because it helps you move on, it gives you the space and distance. But you also need to be strong and not look at his social media profiles because that will only set you back. you never know how the story will end but for now you absolutely need to focus on yourself, focus on loving yourself, and focus on moving on rather than on getting him back. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, but you’ll get through it! Stay strong!

Reply June 7, 2018, 9:22 am

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