Now here’s a frustrating scenario.
You meet a guy, you’re interested, he’s interested, he’s pursuing you, you’re feeling really good about it, and just as you start to let your guard down and let him in … he seems to take a big step back and isn’t really pursuing you anymore.
Another scenario- you meet a guy and you feel mildly intrigued, but he is super into you and goes after you full force. You decide to give him a chance and come to stay really like him … but now he just doesn’t seem as into it anymore and he isn’t chasing you like he was. And now you feel like a complete fool. What happened? What went wrong?
The good news: it’s possible that nothing is wrong and you’re creating this drama all in your head. There are reasons why a guy will stop chasing after you and it’s not always because he’s losing interest in you.
Read on for the real reasons why he stopped chasing:
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
1. He caught you
The first and most obvious reason: he caught you!
You’re hooked, you’re on the line, you’re invested, you’re in it. Guys don’t chase things that they don’t think they have to chase.
The chase isn’t sustainable. A real relationship can’t be built upon one person trying to pin the other one down. In the beginning, the pursuit is kind of fun and exciting. But it’s a means to an end, it’s not a destination in itself.
It’s possible that he’s feeling more comfortable with you and settling into a more normal, sustainable routine. And this is good news. This means you’re onto the next phase in the relationship, where things become a little more real.
I would just caution you against going all in at this point, especially if you still haven’t established what you are. This used to be my problem. See, I was great at the chase. I could play is cool and aloof and get a guy all up in a tizzy over me, and once he was really pursuing hard, I would drop the act and just go all in and then I was baffled by why he would suddenly pull away or lose interest.
My facade was just that, a facade. I wasn’t genuinely confident, I just made myself appear that way, and it worked to an extent. But an illusion will always fade away in the end and deep down, I wasn’t someone capable of maintaining a guy’s interest because I was just too overwrought with desparation and neediness. (And if you are like me, then be sure to also read this article on how to love yourself and become more confident.)
2. You’re too invested
At first, he was one step beyond you, now you’re the one who is all in and invested.
Nothing will cause a guy to pump the brakes faster than this. It seems unfair, because he was pursuing you so much in the beginning, but if you go all in it will just make him feel pressured and it’s also an unintended consequence. Here is what trips a lot of women up, she sees the way a guy behaves in the beginning as a reflection of how much he likes her but in reality, he doesn’t really know her yet and he’s really focused on getting her to like him.
The beginning is just poetry, the real stuff comes later, once you’ve both established a mutual interest and attraction. If you assume he’s serious about you and wants to marry you just because of how ardently he was pursuing you, he’ll think, “Woah, I like her but I’m not ready for it so be so serious right this second!” and then you’ll notice he pulls away and now you’re the one chasing the relationship.
Guys needs to have the freedom to choose you. When you have an agenda, or when you’re level of commitment far surpasses his (for example, you delete your dating apps and commit to him exc;usively when he’s still in the “let’s see if there’s something here worth pursuing” phase)), his choice is gone and usually his interest goes with it.
3. He’s losing interest
Look, it’s very possible that he got to know you a little bit and realized this just isn’t a match, and that’s OK because not everyone is.
But I know how it feels, it feels like the rug was pulled out from under you- this guy was super into you, pulling out all the stops, and then he was just over it. You can’t help but rip yourself to shreds- is it something you said? Somehting you did?
Most likely no. For one, when a guy really likes you, it’s going to take a hell of a lot to talk him out of it. He won’t be turned off by something small that you said or did. He probably just realized you weren’t for him and there are a variety of reasons why this could be, none of them having to do with the fact that you are unlovable and unworthy.
4. You aren’t connecting with him
Now instinctively you may want to say, “Well this isn’t me, I think about him all the time, of course, I’m connecting with him!”
No, when you are obsessing and worrying you aren’t connecting with him, you’re connecting with the worried thoughts in your own mind. You’re so worried about being hurt or him losing interest that all you focus on is the signs – if something seems like a good sign, you’re elated and overjoyed. If it seems like a bad sign, you’re anxious and on edge and plan and plot how to get it back on track.
While you’re certainly expending a lot of energy on this relationship, you’re not putting it in the right place because this is blocking you from forming a meaningful connection.
You don’t see him as a person, he becomes a means to an end. The end being validating your existence by choosing you and wanting to be with you.
It is crucial, for this scenario and really all scenarios in your life, to not engage with thoughts that don’t serve you well and don’t take you where you want to go. If you want a happy, healthy relationship, stop engaging with thoughts that say you’re going to end up alone … this guy is going to ghost … you are going to get your heart broken.
5. You are treating him like the prize
When a guy is chasing you, you’re the prize he’s trying to win over. As soon as you become afraid of losing him or as soon as you doubt his feelings for you, then he becomes the prize and then everything gets thrown off.
Look, we all want to feel like we’re with a prize. But there has to be an equal playing field- ideally, both people should feel like they won the lottery. It shouldn’t be one person hoping and praying that their partner doesn’t realize what a lowly creature she is and he can do so much better so she’ll just keep bending over backward to please him in an attempt to keep him.
This essentially stems from a lack of self-worth. You don’t truly believe things will work out for you and this may cause you to sabotage good things when they come into your life.
So what’s my clear and simple advice on having a guy chase you (or having a guy chase you again)?
-Don’t make him the center of your attention. It’s fine to be interested, but when you cross the line between interest and obsession, you run the risk of sending out that “needy” vibe. And people are inherently repelled by neediness, especially unjustified neediness.
– Keep busy. If you are busy with the rest of your life, you have less of a chance of obsessing over him. But don’t just be busy for the sake of being busy. Fill your time with meaningful activities that bring you joy and make you feel connected to your essence.
– Keep your mind under control. Don’t engaged with those obsessive thoughts and with the fear that you will lose him. It’s not easy, but guys know when you will bend over backward at the drop of a hat. The more that you obsess over him, the more likely you’ll repel him.
I hope this article helped you understand why a guy might stop chasing. But there is something else you need to be aware of before you proceed. There are two key moments in any relationship that will determine if you last long-term, or if you end up heartbroken and alone. At some point, a man will pull away and he might start losing interest. He isn’t as responsive or as excited by you. You’re afraid that you might be losing him. Do you know how to respond? If not, you could make things even worse and wind up fully pushing him away so be sure to read this now: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...