My boyfriend doesn't want to do long distance, what should I do?

Hi Dandy,

Sorry to hear life seems to be getting between the two of you. I’ve been where your bf is – My first real relationship ended because we grew apart during the LDR. A later bf also moved abroad for 8 months for work and even though I wanted to be with him, I was really stressed about it. Not because I didn’t love my ex or want the relationship but because of the trauma I had from the previous relationship. Eventually I did agree to LDR with my ex and in the end the whole relationship fell apart because it brought up all this fear and anxiety that the previous relationship had caused me during the LDR.

I think the best way for you to deal with this is to let him sort out his own head and respect his decision. He knows himself and knows whether he’ll be able to cope or not. If you push him and things go wrong, he might even get to a victim state of mind where he blames you for pushing him into an LDR and wasting his time – I know I did. It does not mean you can’t tell him that you’re ready for an LDR and are willing to support him in whatever issues he has to solve in order to do that. But ultimately it has to be him who gets over them, and you can’t do it for him. It doesn’t sound to me like you have to make a decision right now, so maybe give him space to think about everything and let him know you’ll be there for him without pushing him into anything.

Dandy, He needs to get a job and as you mentioned it is very unlikely he will find one near to you. He told you he didn’t want another LDR. You don’t want to sacrifice your education to move with him. Both you and he have valid reasons.

If it is continuing to be difficult while you both wait to find out whether or not he gets the job near you, then maybe it is time to consider going separate ways. Unless you want to try going NC for awhile.

LDRs can be very difficult. If he doesn’t agree to then it doesn’t matter how much you try to persuade him, it won’t work.

Hi Dandy! Been a year. Curious what happened with your love story? What did you choose and how did it go? Thank you!

Dandy, I think he TRIED to see if you want to try again. He probably wanted you to show just as much initiative as he was. All this talk about the past, good memories, marriage plans, how hard it is to find the right partner… it is not for no reason. You should have made it easier for him. Asked him if he ever regretted his decision to breakup over long distance, that you were willing to wait for whole 2 years for him. Type of thing. If you said no such things, then he probably decided not to proceed with stage 2).

You can’t expect men these days to be the way our dads were. Before they make any decisive move they need 3 sets of green lights lined up in front of them.

I can’t be 100% sure of his intentions of course, but this is what it looks like to me. He opened a door a little bit, but you did not help out to open it wider, so he closed it back up and walked away.

This ins one of those rare situations where I’d say what do you have to lose? Call him and talk to him. If he didn’t want anything, so what? you’d feel a little embarrassed but then would forget about it within a week. But if he did want something, and if you still do want something, then it is worth a try.

Call (do not text!!) and say (or leave a voice mail that you called, he would have an excuse to call you back) that you felt emotional after his visit. That you kept wondering, and felt like the conversation has not been completed, tell him how you felt back then. And then ask, is there some feelings on his part that make him still regrets breaking up?…

You don’t have anything to lose, but if this guy is a good husband material and you still have feelings for him, then it is worth the risk. And the “risk” is not that high at all. A little ego pinch potentially, that’s about it.

Hmmm interesting perspective from both of you.

I’ve never been comfortable with chasing a man and when I did in the past, it ended up working against me about 100% of the time. Men are definitely less masculine or aggressive these days but biologically they’re still wired to go after what they want. When we first started dating, my ex was very straight forward with wanting us to be exclusive so he’s not the timid type which is why he’s so successful in almost all aspects of life.

I’ll have him call me the next time he reaches out to me. If he misses me enough I know I will hear from him again.

He may have gone quiet for a while to think things over. Keep the channels of communication open for now. He knows you’re graduating soon so he may step up. Just don’t get your hopes up. You’ve got the right idea, let him come to you – all you have to do is be receptive. Being too forward or chasing backfires.

Great advice Valeria!! Too bad it’s 2 years too late!!