You’ve been seeing this guy and everything seemed to be going great until … he goes a few days without texting you.
The panic steadily rolls in like an ominous storm. Everything seemed to be going so well, what happened?? Did you say something wrong? Did you do something to turn him off? Is he dead in a ditch somewhere? Why isn’t he texting me?!
It is the worst feeling. You just feel completely at his mercy. You spend your days just waiting from some sign of life from him. Every time your phone dings your heart lurches out of your chest (and then it sinks back to the pit of your stomach if the message is not from him…).
You feel anxious and on edge. You just want to know what happened to cause this and if you’ll ever hear from him again.
Keep reading because I’m going to break it all down for you.
Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Why Didn’t He Text You Back?
The Real Reason He Hasn’t Texted in 3 Days
I’m using three days as an example but it could be one or it could be ten. The reason I use three days as a baseline is because this is usually the point where women panic and come to us for answers. One or two days is understandable, maybe he just got busy… but three days? No one goes that long without checking their phone!
Before we talk about what to do if a guy hasn’t texted in a few days, let’s talk about the why.
There are a few possibilities here. The first is that he’s just busy! Yes, sometimes the simplest explanation is the correct on. And if you’re not even in an official relationship, then he doesn’t feel like he needs to constantly touch base.
The reason women have a hard time here is they project their hopes onto the relationship, meaning she sees the relationship as being more significant than it is right now because she’s hoping it becomes something significant. She really likes him and is hoping/assuming he feels the same and then when he does something that indicates maybe he doesn’t, she freaks out about it.
You don’t have anything until you have something. If you’re not even an official couple, then it’s unfair to expect him to act like he’s your official boyfriend.
Next, and yes I know this one is the big fear we’re all trying to avoid, but yes, it’s possible he’s losing interest and that’s why you’re not hearing from him. It stinks, but it happens to everyone and it just is what it is.
Lastly, most men just don’t like texting. Maybe he did it in the very beginning because he had to, but it doesn’t mean he wants to or enjoys it. It’s possible he just wants to set a more reasonable and realistic pace and texting all day just isn’t realistic for most men.
Maybe he looks at his phone and sees some texts from you but he’s in the middle of something and doesn’t want to engage right now. He may also be afraid that if he sends you some text about being busy, you’ll reply with something passive-aggressive like “OK :(“
No man wants to cause that un-smiley face emoji to happen! And if he does, he knows that now in addition to everything on his plate, he has to deal with you being upset at him.
What to Do If He Hasn’t Texted in a Few Days
1. Do nothing
It’s only been a few days, that’s really not that big of a deal, especially if you’re not in an official relationship yet.
A while back I went on an explosive first date with a guy. The date lasted 6 hours! I got home around 2 am and we texted a little more … and then we texted the entire next day and for the next few days. Then we had a second date, this one was a little more down to earth but still amazing … but I didn’t hear from him the entire next day. Then I didn’t hear from him the following day.
By mid-morning, I started to panic and felt sick to my stomach. (This guy and I had a lot of history and I really wanted this to work out!). I couldn’t concentrate the entire day, I could barely walk in a straight line. I felt like I had been slapped sideways and everything felt off.
I kept thinking about what I did wrong on the date, what I wished I had done differently. I berated myself for always screwing things up, for not allowing good things to enter into my life, for always sabotaging my chances at getting what I want. I even called Eric, our resident Ask a Guy here on ANM because I just couldn’t get out of my own head and needed a different perspective.
And just when I finished telling him the whole story … just as he took a breath and was about to give me his insights … the guy texted me a casual: “Hey- how’s it going?”
I felt like an absolute idiot. And in case you’re wondering how it turned out with him … we’re now married with two kids!
A lot of us make the mistake of preemptively panicking. We have a fear, in this case, a fear of causing him to lose interest, and we become hypervigilant to the point that if anything happens to indicate our fear might come into fruition, we pounce on it and panic!
If you’ve been on a few dates, relax! Ok fine, maybe he texted you immediately after those other dates and the fact that he’s being silent seems odd and out of character but it’s just him relaxing and being his normal self. Most guys prefer not to be texting all day because that’s a nuisance and it makes to harder to focus on all the things going on in his life that aren’t you.
In the beginning, he’ll text all day because he’s trying to win you over … but once the dust has settled a little, he can dial it back. The mistake a lot of women make is interpreting this dialing back as a sign he’s losing interest.
2. Set a panic deadline
I know that not hearing from him for two days can be panic-inducing, but it’s really not a big deal and it really doesn’t mean anything. One technique I used to use when I insecurities and worries got the best of me was to set a panic deadline. I would tell myself: OK, I’m not going to be upset about this right now, but if I don’t hear from him by the end of the week, then I will allow myself to be upset about it.
Most of the time, you’ll hear from him before the week is up and the problem will solve itself before you even get the chance to be upset about it. If you don’t hear from him by the end of the week, then you can decide what to do.
Do you want to just let it go and accept he’s not the guy for you? Do you want to try shooting him a friendly text? The choice is yours. I would just caution you to not invest too much in the outcome. Don’t strategize ways to win him back over. Just be cool and casual. If he’s receptive, great! If not, just gracefully let it go and accept that this just was’t the right one.
And if you do text him, be pleasant and friendly, not angry and accusatory. If he replies, great! Maybe he was just having a busy week and now things will get back on track. If he doesn’t respond, he probably just isn’t feeling it so cut your losses and let it go. I know it hurts for things to end in silence, read this article for the truth about why men “ghost”: Why Men Disappear and How to Deal.
3. Keep perspective
If a guy ignores your texts or stops texting you altogether all it means is that he isn’t the right guy for you. It doesn’t mean you’re flawed or damaged or ugly or dumb or unloveable or unworthy. It means nothing really.
You can’t know what’s going on in his head. Even if you come out and ask him, he won’t give you the full story because the full story is most likely that he just isn’t interested enough to want to pursue things further and this will hurt your feelings because it’s a hurtful thing to hear from someone you like. But again, it’s not personal.
We’re all looking for different things and sometimes everything syncs up and it’s a match… and other times it doesn’t. Sometimes both people can see this, and the part amiably, and sometimes only one person sees it and the other person gets hurt.
If you take it personally, you’re only hurting yourself and sabotaging your chances of finding that happy, healthy love you want. If you decide you’re unworthy because he rejected you, then you will go out there seeking to prove your worth and you will measure your interactions based on whether or not they give you that shot of validation. This is not a healthy mindset so please don’t go there!
Just hold your head high and accept that this just wasn’t the right one for you and it doesn’t mean anything about you.
If he reappears… then disappears… then reappears
So he went a few days without texting you, and you did what I said and just relaxed and didn’t stress over it … and then he reappeared yay! You’re relieved and so happy to get things back on track. But then he disappears again … And then he comes back … and then he’s gone, and on and on it goes.
Sometimes he goes days without texting, sometimes it’s weeks. You really have no idea and you feel totally at his mercy in this relationship. There are weeks where he texts you non stop and acts like he’s obsessed with you, and other times you feel like you’re bothering him by reaching out … or he just goes silent. What gives?
This hot and cold behavior is usually a sign that he’s interested in you … but not enough to want a relationship with you. But he still likes you… so you’re not totally off and misreading things here. It’s just that … something is off. And maybe it’s not about you. Maybe the timing is off, maybe he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now … or maybe he just doesn’t think you guys are compatible, but the chemistry is really strong so he can’t quite break away. Hard telling not knowing. The point is, he’s unsure about you.
MORE: Should I Text Him?
If you’re fine with this situation, then great. But most people don’t want a situation like this and if that’s true for you, it’s best to just move on. If he likes you, like really likes you, he won’t just let you go. If he lets you go without a fight, it shows you exactly where he stands.
No matter what the scenario, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your happiness. This is the real secret to finding love. It starts with you. It starts with learning to love yourself, and not with trying to find secret ways to make someone love you.
The fact is, sometimes you may unknowingly do things to cause a guy to pull away and start to lose interest. No one is perfect. If you do find that he’s pulling away, read this next to learn exactly how to bring him back:
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Why Didn’t He Text You Back?