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August 9, 2014 at 10:52 am #358226
Hi All, yes I would normally say I have high self esteem but like yourself Vi I WAS giving off the “love me,love me ” vibes. NOT anymore. I now do as Maria says, just go with the flow and see what happens and TRUST that it will be all ok when it doesn’t turn out the way I want. The German is proof of that. I am rueful( not getting more), but NOT regretful it didn’t work out…. It DID for one night.
With M I was a mess, crying my eyes out, With F, I’m not. So yes, how I have changed my thought process and dealing with expectations/outcomes has really helped me.
I DID not set a boundary of ignoring the red flags because I wanted to do as Maria said and see if we were compatible and I can be lenient with some red flags… i.e his marriage situation… he was truthful about it ( our friends had already told me same earlier) and time will tell what way he sorts that issue out.
Perhaps you should stop being angry and frustrated at your lack of love life and just focus on YOU. I have had NO one in 7 yrs because I came out of a marriage fat, drinking, angry, negative, less confident, unhappy.. you name it, every bad emotion going. BIT by BIT I turned it all around, stopped drinking, lost weight, thought positive thoughts, saw good instead of bad in things, confidence and high self=esteem just flowed back once all these other things came right.
Now, liek I say.. I’m a babe magnet and NONE of me is fake… I truly act as I feel.. happy, attractive,content, confident.
I think you have to get to the place I am at and THEN the relationships will start appearing ! I also think European men are different from USA men.. so weeding out is slightly different. Only VERY slightly mind you.August 9, 2014 at 1:27 pm #358256
I do agree with Harley – anger, frustration, low self-esteem etc, is never a good base for anything really.
Perhaps you should take a break from guys and dating and focus on YOU and on building yourself up, and on becoming happy, confident and strong ALONE.
Just sayin’ it’s hard/impossible to be happy with someone if you’re not happy, confident and strong etc. alone/within yourself.August 9, 2014 at 2:09 pm #358260
Maria, when I say “boundaries from the start”, I mean that I need to give out a message that I need to be treated well. In the past, when I liked someone and wanted to let them into my life, I would be very passive… not paying attention to my own feelings… and not giving out a message that I was worthy of good treatment…. I thought that a cool, together girl didn’t need to be put on a pedestal, and that’s who I wanted to be.
It’s only since reading this forum that I’ve realised that a cool, together girl knows that she deserves to be cherished and treated like someone’s Queen.
But I have weak boundaries with all new people I let into my life – my yoga students, people that I meet on a daily basis, work people, friends… I need to start giving out the message that I’m valuable… and I can only do that if I believe it.
I don’t think a break is what I need… I’m currently not actively pursuing a relationship. I’m not on any dating sites. I keep getting asked out by men, but they don’t follow through and I don’t chase them.
And honestly… … I’ve taken many breaks in the past… and taking a break has not helped me at all. I can honestly say that in all the times I’ve been “not dating”… I haven’t learned a thing. I was just avoiding getting hurt… and at those times I needed to avoid pain, because I was too fragile.
I think now… I need to learn to interpret my dating “failures” differently. I usually vacillate between thinking that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me (“I’m unlovable”) or that “it’s not meant to be” (passive). Both are disempowering mentalities in a way; because now I’m thinking – logically there is no reason that I should be getting rejected this frequently. And I’m thinking that it must be because of the vibe that I give out… and this is something I can change.
I wonder if life is this constant feedback loop; giving you information about whether your approach is optimal. I’ve tried to be honest in my interactions with men, and that honesty meant that I was very open about how much I wanted a date with these guys. But now I’m understanding that men either perceive this as me being disingenuous or desperate… and they were right. I was being desperate to guys I liked, and disingenuous to those I wasn’t interested in.
So the Universe is giving me feedback. This mental attitude is not working for me. I need to change it.August 9, 2014 at 2:23 pm #358262
Hi Vi. Can you give an example of weak boundaries with mates/work/men etc.
Also… interacting with men… being too open, letting them know you want a date. I USED to do this stuff too, now I don’t. I let the man ask me for a date. Texting the German is the first and last I get to chasing him.
I think us Europeans are too 50/50 re paying on dates, texting, phoning, asking guys out, arranging dates, sex early on etc. I am exploring adopting the US way of dating now.. lean way back.. let the guy chase, pay, phone, ( well… i fucked up with the German!oops !)text, initiate etc. Am going to SEE if it pays any dividends over the next few mths. Leaning back, playing it cool obviously got the German ! But I was super happy and confident all the time and I know he loved that. I was fun,talked to all the Germans in the bars, ignored his flirting, put hm down here and there teasingly.
So yea.. I’m NOT going to be soo forward anymore ! I think a different mental vibe is a requirement.August 9, 2014 at 2:48 pm #358263
The weak boundaries is hard to explain Harley… it’s a vibe that I give out that sets a precedent for certain kinds of behaviour. I am very vulnerable with people. I’m an open book… and that’s a great thing, but only if it’s coupled with avery strong core self. I give off this vibe that I will accept people for who they are… which is great, but again, only if it’s coupled with self worth; because then you give off the vibe that you will accept them, but not bad treatment.
I go into most interactions with these low walls. Just today I was talking to a girl in the changing room of the yoga studio, and she started to put down my job. It went under my radar initially, and I kept chatting with her. It took two other instances of rudeness in a very short conversation for me to finally wake up and realise what was happening. After I walked away I was dumbfounded. I hadn’t even particularly warmed to this girl – why did I ignore those hostile vibes? I don’t want her as a friend – why did I do that?
See… it’s just totally habitual now that I enter into things with no boundaries. I think I need to put a little distance between me and people I meet, whilst still being friendly…August 9, 2014 at 2:50 pm #358264
I basically need to stop being so “nice”.August 9, 2014 at 3:00 pm #358266
Yes.. started reading your book. Excellent. I can get loads of useful tips.
Good example with girl. Yes.. YOU ARE TOO NICE ! I would have either called her out on it by say ” what exactly ARE you trying to say about my job ? you sound like you are putting it down, I don’t appreciate your comments “.. all said with a BIG SMILE ! OR just turned my back and walked away.
Remember.. about letting bad friends go, and not wasting time on people that don’t count/give back what you give. honestly, there are sooo many shit people in the world… surround yourself by nice one’s only. LOVE yourself !
Are you a bit/a lot of a people pleaser ????? I’m selfish. I’m not.August 9, 2014 at 3:02 pm #358267
I’m an open book too. Very vulnerable.. look at me with the German ! I give off vibes I trust people and accept them as they are… but then I have a very good radar.. within 2 secs of meeting someone I know if I like or not , very rarely wrong…. and I back off straight away from those I don’t like… I’m POLITE… BUT NOT FRIENDLY ! That’s MY boundary. i.e a LOT of workmates.August 9, 2014 at 3:31 pm #358270
Thank Harley <3 I’m glad you’er enjoying the book! There’s a lot of wisdom in there that I completely missed the first time I read it. I just focused on the “cool girl” stuff, and that was a bad move.
I had a realisation a moment ago. The Universe gives us constant feedback… our relationships are a reflection of how we truly feel. When we love ourselves… love finds us.August 9, 2014 at 3:42 pm #358271
Yep Vi… that’s IT in a nutshell. I LOVE myself these days and am attracting men like honey. Just have to put your book into practice now to keep him !.. WHEN I get him !August 10, 2014 at 2:11 am #358301
Vi, what do you think the reason for your niceness is?
Is it poor self-esteem/confidence?
Or is it that you are afraid of conflict? Or of pissing people off? Or of that they won’t “love you, love you”?
Or is it all of the above? Or something else?August 10, 2014 at 1:27 pm #358363
Some of my favs are in this thread, thought I’d say hi…haven’t forgotten you lovelies.
I read the article “10 things confident…” and I loved the article.
I too have a mini update…similar to Vi’s about S contacting her.
I mentioned in another thread that I got a really thoughtful text for my bday. This was literally three months of no contact from me. I didn’t wish him a happy bday on his even though I kinda wanted to.
Anyway, it was a pleasant exchange. Two weeks after that I felt like I could text him about his phone that I had borrowed and for me I wasn’t expecting anything. It ended in us having a chat over text. I ended the convo after I realized how long we’d be chatting. I wasn’t upset but felt strong. Anyway, I had left it and again wasn’t going to reach out again bec my business with him was done. I.e. sorting out the phone issue, where he offered to send me a new one – to which I declined.
Two weeks later he texted me and again we had another convo over text, but I realized how I had grown and changed. I did’t react to things he said whether they were extremely sweet or even just lil joking digs. I just chatted like we were friends. I no longer felt insecure or needy and these convos helped me really realize where I went wrong and my reactions in the past and how now things didn’t bother me as much.
So now, I’m just at the point where I don’t know what to make of all this, is this healthy? Should I be chatting with him once in a while? I vowed that I will not call and haven’t and that I wouldn’t text – if he wanted he could and I would be pleasant.
And this made a lot of sense:
“When a man senses that YOU are doing the choosing and selecting through your interactions with him, be ready for his attraction toward you to be instantly dialed up several levels. But remember, you can’t fake it. You have to be in a place where you truly believe in your happiness and in your ability to achieve your desires and have what you want come to fruition in your life, without having to push too hard for it and be trying to do all this just to get something (love and the relationship you want).”
I believe in my happiness and perhaps this is why these interactions have not sent me spiralling or rethinking my decision to walk away. Does this make sense?August 10, 2014 at 1:55 pm #358367
Ok, so ironically just after I hit submit on this post – I rec’d another text from him. This weekend was some special occasion for his family and he sent me a photo. I haven’t opened it so have not replied. But he seems to be closing the gap in how often we communicate. I’m not sure what to make of this. I’m content with where I am and like I said I don’t encourage anything and I certainly don’t prompt him. So I don’t know…maybe there is nothing to know. I’m ok with the communication. I’m not dating but nor am I looking and when I’m ready I will get back out there regardless of his communications.
I guess I am wondering what he wants? But I won’t ask – I’ll just let him carry on and I will carry on with my life.
Does this make sense to anyone?August 10, 2014 at 1:58 pm #358368
I suppose in all honesty I just thought after the way things ended I would have moved on with my life and him with his. There would be no contact, as that’s the way most of my relationship conclusions have been. This is the first time there is contact after..and I suppose it’s a bit confusing or gives one food for thought.August 10, 2014 at 2:01 pm #358369
Hi Serena, GREAT to hear from you. Hope all good. Yup… all makes complete sense to me. Things have shifted for you now and YOU are in control. Of course HE senes this and will be more intrigued.
So.. WHERE’s it going ???? I Don’t know.. but TIME WILL TELL.
Has he indicated at all.. he has changed/shown actions/texting speak.. that things are different. Or from his end.. IS ALL THE SAME ??? If so…. treat him as a friend… don’t go back there.
Interstingly, that reminds me, I have a question for you all:
WHEN a guy gets back in touch, do you think we women should just go with the flow of the convo and see what transpires out of it
Should we set a boundary STRAIGHT away, by calling them out and asking WHY they are in touch and STATING what WE want out of life with them now ??? OR.. does this scare them away too quick. Perhaps I should go with option 1 and get better at reading between the lines of what the guy is saying.
IF.. we do option 2.. how do you do it nicely ??????
The reason I ask… is when Mike came back, I acted as if nothing had happened, went with the flow, got sucked in again, I THINK…IF i had called him out on it, said why you back in touch, is it because you want to meet up etc etc.. I WOULD have wasted less time in life.
ADVICE PLEASE !August 10, 2014 at 2:04 pm #358370
Ha Serena.. we overlapped ! See the questions I asked .
I never thought ex’s would be back in touch… maybe becoz i always chased them after.. and THEY were done with me.
THIS NO CONTACT things piques their interest.August 10, 2014 at 2:09 pm #358373
I’m waiting for feedback on my questions as I don’t have a great answer for you.
I think you NEED for your own sanity to establish WHY he is back in touch… ego, boredom,wants you back. With Mike I got sucked in, BELIEVED he wanted a future with me, HOPED, EXPECTED… his words led me on.
Looking back.. I WISH I had called him out straight away.. but I was not strong enough then.
2nd time round, I did.. at least I got my answer. IT HURT… still wish I had done it sooner.
I think a guy’s first RE-CONTACT text.. is testing the waters.
AFTER THAT.. I personally think they should have the balls to make their feelings clear. Apology or explanation/or both, and stating they want you back.
IF.. they are just texting like Mike and I were.. It’s going nowhere !August 10, 2014 at 2:19 pm #358375
Hey Harl, Hugs…glad to hear from you.
He seems on one hand a bit different in that he is softer and I guess more careful of what he says to me. Perhaps bec I don’t react he doesn’t know what I’m thinking or how I will take it. I’m just not reacting bec I can see how my reactions in the past may have screamed insecurity. Our chats end with no promises to speak again. But he is still reaching out, without any signals/prompting. I really feel like I’m in control. I have to thank you ladies once again. I’ve learned so much and finally feel more confident than I did in the past.
Harley – your questions…are intriguing. I’d like to know what the ladies think too.August 10, 2014 at 2:21 pm #358376
Hi Serena – I was thinking of you the other day! Was wondering if you were still posting :)
Just a quick one from me, as I’m about to go to cinema, but I would cut the contact with him again Serena. I don’t know if you were here when I started a thread about S. asking me to get back with him; but he asked me twice in total, and I ignored him both times. Then last week, he asked me to meet him again, and I finally caved. And then… he pulls his same stupid shit. He hasn’t learned a thing.
There’s a great article on The Rules Revisted called “Why getting him back won’t help”,which I suggest you read. Personally, I think your guy sounds like a douche. Sure, he’s on best behaviour now, but remember that he showed you his true colours when you were together. Also, you deserve more than a LDR imo. Hugs xx
Maria, thanks for asking that question.. I’ve been thinking abut it. Will reply later xxAugust 10, 2014 at 2:25 pm #358377
Harl – I don’t think that I’m looking to get back or even if he wants me back…I think lots of things have to be different and I don’t know that they can be or least I’m not willing to wait on him. If things are supposed to work out with him, I’ll know but I’m not waiting for it. So if nothing changes, if I never hear an apology or anything like that, I’ll be fine – bec there is no expectation on my part. My only wish at the end of things as you know were for things to be amicable – which they are now.August 10, 2014 at 2:30 pm #358379
Hey Vi, so good to hear from you. I haven’t posted in a long long time. But I saw your thread and thought I’d say hi…I’ll go back and read your thread about S.
I don’t think I want to get back together – so it doesn’t really matter what he wants. You’re right I deserve more than an LDR and like I said things have to change/be different for us to ever try to make things work.
Enjoy the cinema. Chat soon. <3.August 10, 2014 at 2:31 pm #358380
Hi Vi… enjoy cinema. Answer questions when you get time.
Serena.. I agree with Vi… he’s on his best behaviour NOW… YOU.. are intriguing him and confusing him.
WHY.. I’mm leaning towards calling him out… is so you know and don’t waste time.(I just mess things up by saying things too harshly.).. hence how do you do this nicely with a man !
Mike and I.. I pussyfooted around him when he came back after ghosting. I was not my “real ” self. I held back on saying things so I would not piss him off and drive him away. I “sexted” to keep his interest.. even though I DO think that was real for both of us.
NOW.. I am stronger. I WILL not compromise myself for a man again. I NOW ” can lose a man”, rather than NOT be myself. But.. I ask these questions above because I am genuinely interested but also because I expect Mike and perhaps The German to be back in touch. IF.. the German is back in touch, I don’t want to make the same mistakes as with Mike, and get strung along again. Hence.. if the German is in touch I think I will just ask him WHY ! But.. am like yourself, getting on with life in the meantime. German is ignoring me , so think that says all.. not leading me on like Mike thank god.August 10, 2014 at 2:36 pm #358381
Ah.. just read you “no expectations bit “. TBH.. I struggle with having no expectations…I guess it’s because I always pretty much am focused on “goals” and making things happen. I “see” end results and work towards them. But… I am trying to have no expectations. I was fine UNTIL I slept with the German.. THEN I built expectations up in my head… NOW trying to crush them.
Am happy you are leaning towards not wanting him back.. THE LDR IS the killer. YOU… most probably would have to move.
I am just worried, if you keep up contact.. you WILL get expectations.August 10, 2014 at 2:52 pm #358385
Serena, would cut contact with him again. If I remember correctly he was quite manipulative and now if trying to reel U back in and is being on his best behaviour. It won’t be long though before I feel he has u esp if he is increasing the frequency of the texts. Don’t respond. Or if U want to, put a time limit as in once a week or something.August 10, 2014 at 3:31 pm #358387
I know what you ladies mean, when I say I have no expectations it means that his contact doesn’t mean anything for me…as in I’m not sitting hoping, wishing or praying for things to work out. I’m happy and living the single life. I don’t mind the occasional chat. This is just different for me in the sense that I normally don’t try and keep contact with anyone.
I agree with setting goals and trying to meet them, but in this case – he isn’t a goal for me. My goal would be to meet someone that I can have a healthy happy relationship with but first and foremost be comfortable in my own skin – which I’m starting to do and am feeling quite good/confident and happy.
With regard to moving, I knew when I got involved it would be me that moved. That had nothing to do with him, as I have family and friends there and it’s like a second home to me as is. So not a big deal for me.
Sherri, I agree with you, for me bec he lives so far away and bec of what’s happened, our communication has been once every two weeks – the last text convo was on Wed and today he has text me again. I haven’t replied as I’m busy today trying to do things and lol post on here.
I completely see what you’re saying how it’s so easy to fall backward, but I don’t think it’s so easy for me this time. I always think about what caused things not to work. I realize my part and things I’m fixing about me. The things that relate to him were things that I do keep in mind as to why things can’t /won’t work with him.
Having said that above, just had a thought. I can’t really say he will be manipulative again bec if I’m working on me and fixing things about me – I’m evolving as a person, could that not be the case for someone else? Is it not possible for people to change if they’re evolving too? Please don’t take my question as a means for me to justify my convos with him for anything more than two people shooting the shit.
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