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August 7, 2014 at 10:52 am #357897
Yes.. I HAD thought of that. He is hardly EVER on Fb yet he’s on it all the time now and posted he’s going to an event this weekend and a rant about German taxes.. which I “liked”.
I wasn’t going to post group message until oct/nov…. when I have arrngements made with mate/flights booked to go back to Germany. I was going to say ” hi guys, me again. coming back to germany (dates) if you all free to meet up again. Am trying to contact Michel by phone, but will you let him know as well. looking orward to seeing you all ! I had a really good time last time”
Since his b/day is before that, I was going to private message.August 7, 2014 at 11:13 am #357908
The group message sounds fine.
The private message – I’d say “I’ve been thinking about you…” (and I’d put it at the end) instead of “You’re looking hot and sexy as ever I bet”. “You’re looking hot…” etc, can easily be interpreted as if you’re interested in sexting/FWB and nothing more.
That’s what I’D say though, you should say what you’re comfortable with saying.August 7, 2014 at 11:52 am #357918
Ok.. thanks. This guy stuff is a minefield !August 8, 2014 at 1:52 am #358040
Good morning girls <3
Vi, there’s a GREAT article on confidence (10 Things Confident People Do Differently In Dating And Relationships) by Sabrina in the love advice section. I’d love to hear your opinion on it.
Harley, lol, yes it’s a minefield. I’d love to hear your opinion on the article aswell.August 8, 2014 at 3:49 am #358042
Yes.. I read the article and thought I great.
Point no 1 : I used to ANALYISE ALL the time. DID with M.. now I let a LOT of things go.. distract myself and BELIEVe in the future.. better thing are aroudn the corner. if a guy wants me.. I’LL KNOW. I tend to stop the second guessing my own feelings now.
I also know.. point no 2…there’s NOTHING wrong with me, circumstances ( LDR) or guy not compatible, caused things notto work out.
Point 3 : Never knew a thing about boundaries, until I came to this forum.. now I DO. Am trying to set them better.. still a work in progress.. but HUGE improvements for me.
Point 4:I ALWAYS TRUST my decsisions and myself.. so NO doubts there. I’m a risk taker. nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Point 5 : Showing off, talking myself up.. I DO that a bit.. but not a lot. normally re my job. But , for instance I always feed homeless people on the streets/support charities. and hardly ANYONE knows that about me. I don’t broadcast it.
Point 6 : Accepting responsibility: I always did that.. but never KNEW I did it. Now i am more aware, I tend to take more responsibilty, accept criticism, see the opther persons’s point, admit wehn I’m wrong. Howeever.. I will ONLY go sooo far. .I do not accept/take on/THEIR responsibility, convincing myself it’s mine… a lot of womeen can do this I think… i.e abused women accept ALL the responsibilty sometimes.. “they drove him to do it ” blah blah blah ( sensitive subject.. sorry !)
Point 7 :I NOW take a relationship fot the way it is.. i.e the German. With M.. I tried to make it what I wanted it to be. Accepting it for what it IS.. is sooo liberating, less stressful, less drama. I LOVE IT !
Point 8 : I HAVE NEVER stayed in a bad relationship.. I TRY my UTMOST until I KNOW I am flogging a dead horse, can be true to myself, say I tried my best then I get out.
Point 9: I USED to seek reassurance.. NOW I don’t . I am more confident adn believe in myself. If a guy can’t see that, tough. I KNOW my self-value and worth, I don’t need a guy to tell me. The odd time now I get insecure, a friend perhaps oputs seed of doubt in my mind, I retreat for a litle bit ( mancave) THINK ABOUT THINGS, DECIDE i CAN BE NEGATIVE OR POSTIVE, DECIDE TO BE POSITIVE ADN BELIEVE MY OLD MANTRA ” TIME ALWAYS TELLS”. I have learned to be more patient… i KNOW a guy KNOWs if he likes you straight away but with modern day life and technology it now tkakes a guy a while to get his act together. i ddi not realsie the mancave thing, rubberband, and needing to process info.. and not as quick as us. So NOW.. wehn a guy doesn’t get in touch for ages.. it don’t bother me. I get on with my own life.
Point 10 : CHOOSING WISELY: STILL a work in progress for me as I am too trusting and wear my heart on my sleeve. I THINK.. guys are as honest as me.. I am fierce honest and direct( as we all know here. ha ha ha) But thabnks to all advice here… I AM weeding teh shit out and choosing more wisely. Like M… his standards in life are now a LOT lower than mine I think.. not motivated, not an achiever, no long tern=m goals he is working towards, no FUTURE .. whereas the German and I had LOTS in common that way .
So YES… SUPERB article for me. made me re-assess myself and where I am going in life.
BTW..********* My mate talked me into texting the German. Like you Maria.. she thought me too cold/unapproachable. I said ” Just sitting here at work with lots of work to do but not in the mood. thinking of you and the great time with you. Wish I was in Germany now !!! ” He saw the message shortly after… AND NO REPLY. SO.. perhaps he is thinking, busy, perhaps his silience says all. I am more than good. I am not looking at teh phone constantly. I am lettng it go and trusting in what will be , will be. If he don’t want me.. better I know now. Regretful as I wanted more, but not suffering rejection or anything. I know I’m his loss. I am handling it all 400% better than I did with M. It’s life. I took a chance, I gambled, I lost. On to the next guy !August 8, 2014 at 10:33 am #358081
Maria, that article came at such an opportune moment – thank you!
I was walking down the street earlier, and it struck me that there was a time when I had men lining up to be with me… and it was all down to how I felt about myself. I thought I was amazing at that point in my life; I was glowing with that knowledge, and I wasn’t prepared to settle for anyone who didn’t treat me how I wanted.
It made me think of how all these things are about perspective; which is one thing the article refers to. Like, instead of thinking that if a guy doesn’t initiate contact he’s not interested in me; to thinking that I want to be with someone who initiates contact. I think that’s part of having boundaries as well – knowing what you want; and not compromising on that. And realising that you are a treasure.
To be honest, I am pretty devastated today. I wish to god I hadn’t agreed to meet S., as the recent contact just set me way back. It’s really torture… he’s not letting go, and I’m not either. According to the article, being so devastated over a break up is a sign of low self worth.
I always find myself thinking back to something LA Girl said ages ago; which was that when she broke up with her psycho ex, herself and a friend moaned about it for a month, but then after a month she got over it and started dating someone else; and she attributed this to her having a positive attitude. I can’t seem to maintain this positive attitude of believing that I’m a treasure. Even though all the feedback I get is that people love me, I keep getting tied up with people who can’t love wholeheartedly; and it’s probably because I can’t love myself. I’m slowly overcoming this idea that I need to be perfect, and accepting that I’m imperfect, but now I need to take it to the next stage and start cherishing who I am… Which is bloody hard. I don’t have that core sense of self worth… I hope it’s something I can uncover.August 8, 2014 at 10:41 am #358083
Hi Vi.. lots of hugs. Yep.. you need to start believing in yourself more. NO MORE meetings with S.. not doing you any good. I rarely look back.. If I do.. it’s with bittersweet memories and what I have learned from it. I NEVER regret anything. Life is too short.
A positive mental attitude, physical wellness and confidence really DOES help. I have transformed myself the past few mths and surround myself with positive people/positive thoughts. Even my ex’s .. I refuse to see the bad in them. they are saddos that lost out on me.. but they have their own issues. I DO treasure and cherish myself now.
You will get there. Like myself you have come along in leaps and bounds the past few months. I think you need to mentally and physically distance yourself from S.. DON’T ALLOW hiim to get in on your thoughts and under your skin.
HE… just wasn’t good enough for you !August 8, 2014 at 12:02 pm #358100
I’m glad you both liked the article. When I read it I just felt yes, yes, YES to everything in it… IMO being confident is key not only to a successful love life but also to a successful life in general.
I think it is a great idea to read it and ask yourself what you already do and what you can change/improve etc.
As for the German, I definitely think it was better to send the message now (instead of later), and “get it over with”. And it’s great that you hope he’ll respond, but basically don’t care if he doesn’t/about the consequences of what you did.
Vi, honey, you said you once felt amazing, and I’m positive that you can find that feeling again. The next step, after finding it, will be to maintain it, and to accomplish that you need to change your whole way of thinking.
Here are a few important basics:
– Like LA said a positive attitude.
– Mix that with a whatever will be will be way of thinking.
– LA also said people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. S is NOT a lifetime, and it’s time for you to let go. When someone is hurting you and dragging you down, you are definitely DONE with that person.
– Accept yourself. Be the best you can be, without EVER letting it get unhealthy. Looking good should feel good and be good for you. Period.
– Be kind to yourself, love yourself and STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. I don’t know how to convince you to do that. I can only repeat what I said earlier – self acceptance is the most important acceptance of all – and you’re gonna be with you for the rest of your life, so it’s a DAMN WASTE OF PRECIOUS TIME AND HAPPINESS to not love and accept yourself.
I hope that was of at least a little help…August 8, 2014 at 2:14 pm #358125
Well said Maria. I only ever beat myself up for a few minutes then say, ahh feck it. What will be, WILL be. Life IS too short. AND I love a lot lagirl says. People DO come into our life for a reason… we learn and experience through them.August 8, 2014 at 2:35 pm #358130
I totally agree we learn and experience from everyone we meet…
Harl, Vi, there’s another article (also one of my favorites), a bit further down in the love advice section. If/when you have the time to read it, I’d like to hear your opinions on that one too.
It’s the “I’m Afraid The Guys I Like Will Never Want Me Back”-article. It’s about being happy and positive, being in the moment and just let things naturally flow.August 8, 2014 at 4:20 pm #358149
IN THEORY: this article is great. I used to worry about all my men/new men/relationships, then after the Mike fiasco I read all here and could see the logic init. I started putting it into practice.. near the end of mike ( virtually) and with the German( in reality)..
IN PRACTICE :… with the German.. I AM CONFUSED ! I did all by the book, of this forum and the advice here. Whilst I was talking to him all night, I thought of forum… watch for red flags( just separated, wants a younger woman for more kids, wants another marriage), watch words match actions. etc etc etc. SO>>>> I decided to let everything develop naturally.. AND IT DID ! AS I already posted.. EVERYTHING was super easy ! I decided near end of night to sleep with him ( 1st action I did against MOST of forum’s advice.) I FELT a connection, I THOUGHT we had bonded emotionally. I figured we were compatible.. same values, aims, goals, a lot of likes in common but hobbies different too,.in bed I told him I really appreciated and respected him for looking after me sexually first. He appeared to enjoy sex. He voiced he liked things I did and things German girls did NOT do ! We laughed, talked and bloody well HAD FUN.
SO… how come he didn’t ask for a second date ????? BUT… I KNOW I brought my best self to the table so no point in over-thinking it. The attraction WAS there the beginning of the night, I guess he went home and had second thoughts.
SO.. am confused. The article worked in that I “hooked ” him for ONE night… but NOT for any other ! i guess I WAS fine until he texted about meeting up and then bailed… I had “gotten expectations ” with one text. BOOHOOHOO>
The article has brought results though, so when I KEEP putting it into practice…. I guess it WILL pay off someday. I will stay positive and surrender the outcome next time round.August 8, 2014 at 4:32 pm #358150
These articles give us tips and advice, which are fine. However, it’s not always perfectly applied to real life. I mean, every situation is different. Every man and woman, different. So what I’m saying is even when we do things right, there are no guarantees.
My personal take on the German is that he’s still tied up in his situation with the ex. Men, honestly, cannot multi-task with the same speed and ease as we can. I’m not making an excuse. It has been said that they have tunnel-vision, so they focus on one thing at a time. So my feeling is this result is more about bad timing than anything else.August 8, 2014 at 4:34 pm #358151
You know what Harley? You are concentrating on the negatives. There are positives with the German. You had a magical, fun, night. You will probably always remember it. Take it for what it was. In that moment in time, you connected with someone, and it felt good…..so, when reality hit…he’s in another country. That is probably 99% of why it didn’t progress. LDRs just don’t EVER work from what I have seen.
So…..in the end, you had a magical, sexy, full-of-life moment. It’s good. It’s done, but it’s good. Kinda like eating a perfectly baked piece of pie. It tastes delicious, but you don’t want to puke it up and eat it again, right? You got to eat a perfectly baked piece of pie. Yum.August 8, 2014 at 4:38 pm #358153
Ha Ha Ann and Sherry. Well said, OOOH YES ! I HAVE focused on the positives. Thanks for reminding me though. I wouldn’t have NOT had him for the world. And yes… I DO think it’s LDR and bad timing.
I’d still eat him again though !
But.. I will follow advice and focus on the good instead of the bad. AWESOME memories !August 8, 2014 at 4:42 pm #358156
I guess…. I’m NOT used to getting my way. I wanted MORE of him. IF… things had run their course.. I’d be fine. But, it’s like I got HALF the bloody pie and I STILL want to gorge myself on the rest until I’m sooo full.. can’t have anymore.
I’ll just have to convince myself I’m on a diet and too much of a good thing is bad for me !
OOOH… the thoughts of eating ice cream off his 6 pack . NOT FAIR ! BOOHOOHOO !August 8, 2014 at 4:59 pm #358161
Haha Harley, your hysterical. Yip LDR are a nightmare but we cant say they never work. I know of someone who lived in Scotland, met an American online and hey presto they ended up married!!! So never say never!!August 8, 2014 at 5:01 pm #358163
Harley… from what I can see, you assessed him too quickly. Men (and people in general) only reveal themselves and their intentions over periods of time. Also, it sounds like you spotted red flags, but went for it anyway…
Thanks for the kind words… I know he wasn’t the right person, and I know I need to keep away from him. He’s toxic to me. In a weird way though… I feel this is all part of learning to love myself. Getting to a point where I could really enforce a boundary. It was extremely painful to do it… But I know it will make me stronger.
Maria, it was a BIG help, as your advice always is <3
The positive attitude is the hardest thing for me. I feel so jaded when it comes to relationships; a positive attitude feels like delusion.
Omg… just had a message from the Universe. My computer screen flashed, and this quote literally popped up:
“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing.
It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day.
Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.”
~ Shams Tabrizi
Says it all :)
Your words about S. really helped – yes, it’s time to let go. I realised earlier that if you outline a boundary and someone doesn’t respect it, then they don’t love you. Someone who loves you will respect your boundaries.
I watched this amazing Zen movie a while ago, and it helped me understand the art of letting go, and allowing life to carry you. The weird thing is that since doing this, my career has really taken off! Because I’m taking the opportunities that come to me, instead of chasing the ones that aren’t available. As Coco Chanel said: “Don’t spend time beating on a wall hoping to transform it into a door”.
But I basically had to brainwash myself to adopt this way of thinking – every day, five times a day I would repeat a mantra: Life is a process, let it go.
I need to apply that theory to my love life, and brainwash myself into loving myself :DAugust 8, 2014 at 5:23 pm #358165
Articles say it helps if you repeat saying like ” i love myself” 20 times a day or if you stick upbeat “postits” around the house where you will see them… bathroom door etc.
Vi.. i know him from yrs ago.. not to say he hasn’t changed,I assessed that there were loads of GOOD qualities about him, our other mate was with us, and over the weekend, no one had a bad thing to say about him. but….you may be well right. I tend to judge people right away, I am very rarely wrong. He has good manners and how he talks of others, treats others from what I saw. But.. time always tells. When the layers are peeled off the onion… you see if it’s good, bad or ugly.
Yes.. I did disregard the red flags…I Chose to at the time because I was not thinking pat one night.. THEN. they are there in the back of my mind still.
It’s probably ALL worked out for the best..August 8, 2014 at 5:43 pm #358170
Harley, I just read this, and it made me think of you. If you would like me to email you the whole book, let me know. xx
“Selectivity Means Success”
In relationships, it feels good to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust them until they give you a reason not to. You’ve been taught to be this way from the day you first began talking and socializing.
But being so easygoing has a price—it makes you uncomfortable talking to people about what you expect from them. And without this, you’re likely to be out of touch with the reality of the people and situations around you.
Learning to understand and set expectations effectively with the people around you can be a priceless tool. I can’t say enough good things about what it can do for you in all areas of your life. You’ll be amazed at how much clarity and simplicity comes from it. The people around you will also notice a change in the way you communicate and look at things, and their respect for you will instantly increase and they’ll place value on what you have to say.
(Reading this, I realise that “expectations” are akin to Boundaries).
A process takes place when you begin getting in touch with your expectations. At first, you’ll discover all sorts of bad things that are around you, which might scare the heck out of you.
Of course, setting expectations is also a great tool to improve your love life. For most women who are with “Mr. Wrong,” it takes failure, heartbreak, emotional distress, and pain until they realize that what they want doesn’t fit with the man who’s in their life. These women could have avoided getting involved and seen that this guy is “Mr. Wrong,” if they would have been able to understand and discuss the issue of expectations.
The dark truth is that some women don’t want to dig deeper into what a man truly wants because of their own issues and fears of rejection or abandonment. So then a whole self-defeating process takes place:
• Women will believe that he’s a great guy because of the close connection they have, without being very objective about the situation. Yeah, sharing amazing chemistry with a good man is rare and women know it, but it doesn’t mean that they should overlook his shortcomings.
• Women will immediately build all kinds of expectations because of their hopes for the relationship. For example, they expect to have a committed, monogamous relationship as things escalate, even if there’s been no directcommunication with the man about commitment.
For women, being selective is nature’s BEST way of helping acquire the right relationship, at the right time, and with the right man.
You have to get tough. There’s a simple and easy way to do this with a man- be willing to say “no” to a man who isn’t measuring up, and be willing to do this EARLY ON and QUICKLY.
All it takes is a simple few words to a man in a cool and collected manner to the tune of “I don’t take men seriously who do such and such.”
Believe it or not, this is really all you need to say to a man to quickly communicate to him in a non-critical (not a demanding or needy) way some important things:
1. That you won’t put up with less than you know you deserve (but you won’t and don’t have to become “bitchy” about it).
2. That you respect yourself more than you need him.
3. That having THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP is much more important to you than just having a relationship.
This makes you way waaaay less likely to end up being one of those woman who goes out with a man who clearly doesn’t measure up to her expectations or want what she wants… but she can’t seem to help it because she’s stuck on him.
Some women have a problem with being so selective and setting clear expectations and following through. They think that being this way makes them too “bitchy.” For whatever reason, they have a hard time being totally honest about what they really want and how they view someone else’s behaviour.
It’s completely normal to feel this way. But if you want to change the way things go in your love life and relationships… the truth is you’re going to have to start the process of change by changing the way YOU engage with men when you’re dating.August 8, 2014 at 5:54 pm #358172
“When a man senses that YOU are doing the choosing and selecting through your interactions with him, be ready for his attraction toward you to be instantly dialed up several levels. But remember, you can’t fake it. You have to be in a place where you truly believe in your happiness and in your ability to achieve your desires and have what you want come to fruition in your life, without having to push too hard for it and be trying to do all this just to get something (love and the relationship you want).
You should be doing these things because YOU are committed to living your life a better way, attracting better things to you, and not just for the “pay-off” you’re waiting for. Otherwise, what you’re doing will be, by definition UNAUTHENTIC and manipulative.”August 8, 2014 at 6:38 pm #358174
Excellent Vi. Message me on FB or I will tomorrow and send book link please.
I DID all these mistakes with my ex hubby. I WAS doing some of them with Mike too.
I KNOW I chose the German.. he ” thought” he chose me, but I led him a merry dance all night. not quite sure what went wrong there so maybe your book can enlighten me for future. I like analysing things so I could have fun intellect here… rather then over -analysing , if you know what I mean. Ok. bedtime for me.August 9, 2014 at 4:11 am #358200
Hi all !
Harley, the article is about being in the moment, compatibility, and that when it’s right, things will just naturally flow/happen/fall into place.
What you did FELT right, and it WAS right for the MOMENT, but not for FOREVER (it DID flow and happen, but for a moment, not for forever).
There were too many obstacles and too little compatibility (his ex wife, your nos etc.), for it to be a long lasting perfect mix/blend/harmony of two chemicals (you and him) melting together.
Vi, this is how I love myself (and I believe you’ll totally get it, since you’re a yoga teacher):
I’m very disciplined, I work out, eat well, don’t put chemicals into my body, don’t smoke, drink very little, love to take care of my outside (hair, skin, nails etc.), and my inside (learn things, create things, do fun things I enjoy by myself or with people I love etc.).
Basically (or first and foremost and above all), my body, mind and soul is MY TEMPLE, and I NEVER do or say or even think anything that is negative/not love towards myself, or is putting me down in any way.
If something bad happens I don’t beat myself up, I comfort and pamper and love myself extra much. If something good happens I celebrate it and enjoy every second.
I believe this comes from within though – you can’t force or brainwash yourself into loving yourself.
I think you have to FIND your self love, and cherish and celebrate and strengthen it and be determind to never lose it again.
I know you you were abused when you were younger. Perhaps you can start with that. That little abused girl needs SO MUCH LOVE Vi, so give it to her, give her LOTS OF LOVE, DON’T BEAT HER UP. Simply STOP NOW, and NEVER beat her up again. If you can do that, it will change your life forever. I PROMISE you it will…August 9, 2014 at 6:12 am #358202
Again…will said Maria. I agree with all. Yup.. I’ll just chalk it all up to a wonderful night.
Vi.. I hope today is a GOOD day. I messaged you on FB.August 9, 2014 at 8:55 am #358210
Maria… that made me cry. Thank you for the kind words <3
I started re-reading Christian Carter’s book “Catch him and keep him” (exert above) last night, because I figure that there must be SOMETHING in my behaviour that I’m doing wrong.
Any time I read one f these books in the past, it always resulted in me “getting” a boyfriend. But I stopped reading them, because the relationships never worked out, and I figured I was lying about who I was by implementing the suggestions.
But here I am again.
Reading the book last night, I came to the conclusion that I’m too “nice”: and that’s unattractive to men on a gut level. They are physically attracted to me, but I throw my energy at them begging “love me, love me!” Or even if I’m not attracted to them, and they ask me out, I still manage to turn them off with a wall of niceness.
The book has all kinds of suggestions about what men find attractive; all of which I’ve implemented in the past; but now it just seems fundamentally wrong to try and be that kind of person. I know this people pleaser shell has to crack; that I have to have boundaries with people from the start; but I’m so scared of that. I tend to give people loads of my energy immediately… I’m “easy” energetically.
On a gut level I feel that all these things come naturally when you have a core sense of self love. If you’re trying to implement certain things, it just won’t work in the long run. But from high self esteem, a person is naturally more selective, less invested, more patient. Yes?
I just don’t know how to get to that point. Most of the time I’m just angry and frustrated about my lack of love life… I don’t know how to step out of this victim mode.August 9, 2014 at 10:12 am #358220
Great Harley <3
Vi, I didn’t mean to make you cry <3
You said that you find it hard be positive (when it comes to relationships), that you’re angry and frustrated about your lack of love life and that you don’t know how to step out of the victim mode.
IMO, in the “what ever will be will be” way of thinking, BEING POSITIVE IS NATURALLY BUILT IN – if you approach everything with “this may or may not work, but I will be happy regardless”, then you/that will take away all your insecurities, anger, frustration, other negative feelings and the victim mode.
As for high self-esteem and self love – yes, that will naturally result in you being more selective, less invested and more patient – AND less of a people pleaser – BUT the what ever will be will be way of thinking has the exact same effect.
As for setting boundaries from the start – I think it’s better to just observe a person in the beginning, with one question only in mind – “Are we compatible?” (and “Is he a good person/do I like him?” of course).
I assume that by setting boundaries you mean “not be afraid to speak your mind” though, and you should not be afraid of that of course (and surprise surprise what ever will be will be helps when it comes to that too)…
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