Nothing ever happens


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  • #357413

    Violet

    I’m not sure how to explain this, but here goes.

    I get a lot of male attention. I’m popular, and get asked out all the time. But the guys who chase me relentlessly only seem to want me for sex, and the guys that I’m attracted to don’t usually pursue me.

    I sometimes have the feeling that they don’t pursue me because they feel insecure / intimidated by me, or that I don’t give them enough “come here” signals. Like I said: the only guys who really dig their heels in and pursue me are the ones who just want sex.

    I just met a guy through work, and we’ve met up twice, to talk about “projects”. We didn’t talk about work at all when we met; just chatted about various things and really had a nice time. After the first date, he asked me to send him a link to something; so I waited a few days then sent it, then he replied and asked me to meet him again. At the end of our last meeting he sent me a link to something while I was there with him, and at the end of the meeting he said we should meet again, and I agreed, but I got the feeling that he didn’t think I was interested in him in that way (these have been day times coffees btw – very casual). It’s a few days later and I haven’t heard from him, and I’m wondering if I should have replied to the link that he sent me?

    I know the obvious advice is that you wait for the guy to contact you because that demonstrates his level of interest… but nothing seems to happen for me whether the guy contacts me or not. I don’t know if I’m standoffish, and the only ones that bother trying to penetrate that are the ones who like a challenge?

    It just feels like it should be easier for at least SOMETHING to happen. I just want to give up.

    #357457

    Lane

    Hi Violet :-)

    If yo let him know you would like to see him again, then he knows your interested, but may not know HOW your interested, a friend or something more?!?

    Although I’m of the let them contact me mindset to determine their interest level, not all guys are confident and fear rejection like women do. However, if a man says “lets do this again” when in your presence, then he was pretty confident you would say yes or he wouldn’t have asked. I agree that too many men say one thing but never follow through which is why I take their words with a grain of salt until they’ve proven themselves otherwise.

    I would wait it out and see what he does. Men don’t take subtle hints well. Telling him you enjoy a link he sent you when you were with him isn’t a good move—anything that appears like chasing to a man can turn him off quick.

    As to attracting men who don’t want sex—good luck. Men are biologically wired to have sex and its not something they can control, unless they have testosterone or other issues that inhibits it. Male friends have told me they can’t help it. Walking by a women, seeing a logo, picture or looking at a computer image can conjure up all kinds of sexual thoughts. This is why physical attraction plays a big role, whereas if you’re very attractive then more men will simply want to have sex with you.

    Here’s the thing, men want to conquer a woman with sex and women want to conquer a man emotionally. Two sexes sparring off against each other and the winner ultimately sets the course. Dating is like a boxing match where both sides get bloodied until they eventually are matched against the right opponent and the woman wins him over.

    #357462

    Harley

    Hey VI. Great to have you back.i would wait for this guy to get in touch. When he does. ..tell him it’s REALLY good to hear from him .even you meet up …flirt. smile at him…touch his arm…lean your head close to him…say you are enjoying his company and are having a really good time. He’ll get the hint. Have more faith in yourself. The right guy will pursue and act right around you !

    #357464

    maria

    Lane, I’m pretty sure Vi meant that she would like to attract men who don’t want sex ONLY – men who are interested in sex AND a relationship.

    Vi, I think they want you for sex because:

    1. You’re attractive.

    2. The ones you meet are not looking for a relationship.

    The signals you send out may play a part in it. I suggest you change your approach a bit – be more open/flirty etc. – and see what happens.

    If you’re really interested in the link guy, then encourage him a little – send him a text with something short and neutral.

    That said, when you meet someone who’s really interested in, and right for, and compatible with you, then things will be easy and naturally fall into place.

    #357466

    maria

    Actuallly… why don’t you send him a new link. Just the link, no question or anything else.

    If he’s interested, he will comment on it…

    And if he doesn’t, well, then at least you can’t say you weren’t open/approachable.

    #357469

    Violet

    Hi girls,

    Thanks for the encouragement! I was having a black moment when I posted. Things always look better in the morning :)

    Lane and Harley, I agree… I’ll leave it. I actually know he’ll get in touch sooner or later.

    Maria, thank you <3 You’re right about being more flirty – I’ve definitely become aware of this recently since a male friend told me I needed to “Embrace my sexual energy”..! I’ve always been afraid to do this, but he’s right. I’ve let go a lot, and it feels nice to interact without such a fearful mindset.

    I think what is triggering me with this guy… is that this is the point that I need to change. Basically, since I posted last, my old guy (infamous S) asked me to get back with him two times. I ignored him both times, and then I bumped into him at the studio; saying hello nicely but didn’t talk, and he sent me a grovelly “I’m so sorry for how I treated you ” message. Last week out of the blue he asked me to meet him “to catch up”, and I thought “what the hey”. So I said alright, and then he started his usual trick of taking 25 hours to reply to a message. I immediately enforced a boundary – said that I wasn’t going to meet him if he left me hanging for replies. He agreed, and we started to arrange a meeting and then… he didn’t reply to me for 2.5 days!!! Thank you S, for confirming everything I knew about you… At this point I’m totally over him, and I deleted his number.

    Now, the thing is… I had to give S so much encouragement at the start. Basically had to coax him into the relationship. And his behaviour never measured up. It seems he can’t help himself… he’s just wishy washy. And for some reason I keep being drawn to these kinds of wishy washy men… this guy I met recently is probably just like him. So yeah… I need to have more confidence in myself and let the guys lead, as a means of screening. But I can’t let go of the fact that my love life is barren… and it shouldn’t be. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for me to meet… anyone.

    #357474

    maria

    I agree you should be confident and let the man lead.

    Encouraging is not for wishy washy guys, it’s for the good ones who (if they think you’re not interested) may need a little encouraging.

    Why is it so difficult for you to meet anyone? Well, it could be for a number of reasons…

    MY reason is that I’m extremely picky and never even bother with a guy if it doesn’t feel totally right. I don’t see that as a problem though. It’s just the way it is and I’m happy with it and wouldn’t want it any other way.

    Perhaps the fact that your love life is barren and you rarely meet someone special is not the problem, perhaps the fact that you SEE IT as a problem is the problem (if that makes sense).

    #357475

    Violet

    You’re so right Maria. Thank you. I just compare myself to other people who get out there and constantly date or have flings, and feel like I should be doing the same…

    But the reality is, that I’m kind of happy being a loner. I like my own time, my own space. I’ve been very popular in the past, but honestly I prefer having a few close friends, teaching yoga, being creative, travelling. A more simple life, with probably not that many connections… just a few important ones. It makes sense that my love life would be the same. It’s just hard to accept sometimes. It’s that struggle with the ego! Measuring myself against other people’s lives, and thinking that my differences mean that I’m weird or defunct in some way.

    #357477

    Penny

    Hi violet, I am the same way, I’m a loner too and have a hard time dating or finding someone. I compare myself to other people too, why could they date constantly and I can’t? It also does not help that I feel like they judge me for not being able to go on a lot of dates. I’m always told I’m extremely picky, I often thought it’s the reason why I’m still single. In reality, I am happy being a loner, having my own time and finding someone at my OWN pace and not because I’m pressured by society (or family).

    #357478

    maria

    Vi and Penny

    The differences don’t mean you’re weird or defunct. They mean you’re special and unique.

    Stop comparing yourselves to other people and don’t ever let them judge you.

    I’ve said it before and I say it again – you’re YOU and other people’s approval is NOT needed in that matter. The ONLY thing that matters is that YOU are happy with your life/how you choose to live it.

    #357482

    maria

    And other people’s opinions about how you live your life shouldn’t make you insecure, they should make you ANNOYED – as in how dare they try to put you down/tell you how to live your life/tell you that you’re weird/defunct.

    #357504

    Harley

    Hi vi…penny. We ALL feel like you at times. I am outgoing flirty….can get a y man I want….confident…not cocky. But like Maria. ..am picky..need a spark..A connection. Hence these days I do t date or have sex much….and it can feel crap and lonely at times. Then…I console myself with the fact I want a price. ..not another asshole ! Had you got over S, Vi. He sou d’s like he was already messing you around again.stay strong.love hits you unexpected. I had this great guy in Germany. ..but he didn’t want more. Boohoohoo. But…I’ll keep looking !

    #357505

    Harley

    Price.. Prince. I hate phones !

    #357532

    Violet

    Maria, I’ve gradually filtered out all the people in my life who judge me… all the judgement and expectation comes from me. Self acceptance is really big for me atm. Maria, it occurred to me before that you’re always on here sharing wisdom and advice, but of all the ladies, I know very little about you! What part of the world are you in?

    Harl, Truth be told… Until two weeks ago, I still wasn’t over him. I was still thinking about how good it felt to be with him, how great it was to talk to him. I still missed him. But now… I finally realise how pathetic he is. Yes, he was already messing me around again. After chasing me for so many months, grovelling, asking me back; he gets a chance and totally disrespects my boundaries.. before we even meet! It makes me realise that he never actually cared about me. It was all about *him* – his ego, his need for validation. As soon as I agree to meet him, he loses interest again. But you can bet if I sent him an angry message he’d reply within five minutes. The only thing he responds to is low vibe emotions.

    Feeling lonely sucks though.

    #357541

    Harley

    Vi.. It will get better. So easy to get sucked back in by s…but yea…shithead. .up his own ass just needed an ego boost. Luckily I do not get too lonely got long. Am on a high after the German. …I just wanted more if him ! My fwb is still in touch….shithead he’s my fallback I guess. No doubt yank will be in touch at dome stage. ..but no going back there..you should give this guy a chance if he’s back in touch….you need some good male attention and a pick me up like me

    #357614

    maria

    I’m in Europe Vi. Sweden to be exact. I’ve lived in several other countries though… And you’re in… London?

    As for self acceptance, it’s the only acceptance that really matters, and truth be told the only person you always can rely on is yourself, so for both those reasons, be nice to you…

    #357854

    Violet

    Hey girls <3

    S is texting and calling me today. This was the day we were meant to meet. He’s making out like he has no idea why I’m not replying to him. I can’t believe he would be so clueless? Trying hard not to reply.

    Maria, yup, I’m in London :) I’m Irish though, like Harley. Where are you from originally?

    Back to the original topic: I wonder if I actually have the opposite problem to what I thought. I wonder if, when men ask me out, I act too keen? I’m conscious of being perceived as standoffish, so maybe I overcompensate when I’m asked out and act too eager….

    How do you ladies usually behave when you get asked out?

    #357855

    |Harley

    I think I am too keen…. am trying to rectify that.. but then I ruin it by seeming standoffish and not being quick enough to arange an alternative date. I’m.. a bloody disaster ! I get too oattached too quick( the chemical.. with or withourt sex) and build a fantasy relationship up in my head. I tried to be cool with the German and fucked it all up. He said he wanted a relationship.. I said I didn’t. he wanted marriage.. I said I didn’t , he said we might go for a bike ride next day.. I said I wasn’t sure what I was at( this before we slept together).. never thought to say, here’s me number ring me later. he asked would I come back to live in germany.. I said No.. i would not get as good a job. OBVIOUSLY.. I flirted enough to get him in the sack.. I just fucked it up for future. He gave the drunk 1am booty call text, saying he would see me the next day ( TO GET HIS T-SHIRT BACK i THINKI). i said ” looking forward “, then he cancelled, citing separated wife probs. i said ” thanks for a great night, good luck with your wife, we’ll always be friends” , he said ” all the best, I think it was beautiful night” i said ” my flight has landed” and THAT WAS THAT.

    SOOOO………… don’t ask me how to get it right. Feckin useless I am !

    #357858

    maria

    I am Swedish (so I’m “home” right now)…

    How do I behave when I get asked out?

    I’m probably not the right person to answer that cause I don’t behave like most people. As said I’m very picky and don’t bother with a guy if it doesn’t feel totally right… which means that I say “no, thank you” 9 times of 10 when I get asked out (I am very polite though and say it in a light, positive and nice way).

    And the 1 of 10 times I say yes, I just say “yes, I would like that very much” in a light, positive and flirty way.

    Harley… hmm… it seems you didn’t encourage the poor German in any way… and his ex wife is probably a bit of an obstacle… yet, you were friends before this happened… can’t you just message him something and see what happens/how he responds?

    #357863

    Violet

    Harley, it sounds like you’ve become a lot more self aware since you started posting. It’s great that you’re aware of the fantasy relationship thing – a lot of people have that, and it’s a way of keeping ourselves “safe” from the heart break of a real relationship. It also means that we never really have to face ourselves… which is what happens in a real relationship.

    One thing I would say is that I’m wary when guys lay it on thick like that at the start, like your German did. Men will say anything to get a woman into bed. So don’t beat yourself up over that. Maybe on a gut level you sensed he wasn’t genuine.

    Maria, I’ve been thinking about this, and I guess staying single in some ways is the same as jumping from one relationship to the next. It doesn’t really matter in the long term – you just have to meet that one right person. I’m at the point now where I couldn’t be bothered investing unless the guy demonstrates that he’s going to treat me well… which is part of the reason I decided not to initiate contact with this latest guy. I want to be with a guy who cherishes me; treats me like his Queen…. and I think a guy who would do that would not need so much encouragement.

    #357865

    Harley

    Hi Vi.. re my German agree with what you said. Not sure WHAT my gut is saying right now… I also knew him yrs ago and he’s a ncie guy, also a bit shy at times… as usual time will tell. Whilst I DO agree with a guy who wants you treating you like a queen.. sometimes I think a girl HAS to give SOME encouragement. Some guys are really shy, insecure, not sure WHERE they stand with a woman they really like.

    M chased me for months yrs ago.. but I never noticed. THEN.. he gave up.. THAT was when I realsied and I had to let him know how I felt. Drink was involved, the truth came out and all was perfect for near 2 yrs !

    Yes. .German knows where I am… I am NOT chasing. Maybe it shall all just be a very beautiful memory. Everything was sooo beautifylly simple with him and no drama, or wondering, or second guessing, analysing. i just let myself completely go and lived in the moment. Trusted in him , in romance. Even now.. I am not upset like I was ove M.. I just have faith and truat in it all. I am tryly happy as a pig in shite… just would like another few rides and more with him .ha ha ha.

    And yes. I HAVE come a LONG way from a few mths ago. It’s almost been 8 mths since the whole fiasco with M started.

    YOU.. have come a long way too. Perhaps a few more inhibitions need to be broken down .. or.. for YOU to trust someone again.

    #357868

    Harley

    Hi Maria.. I just ” SO WANT HIM TO WANT ME “. Yes… he’s not sure what he’s at. Wife a manic ddepressive, he feel sguilty and helps her out whenever she asks for it. he moved out 7 mths ago. has 2 26yr old step-children, one natural son, 13.

    Logic says.. he didn’t get my number, arrange to meet up again, ask me back to Germany, reply to my last text saying plane has landed. So.. was I a conquest ??? Ego stroke ??? BOOTY CALL.

    Gut says.. the moment he saw me, he knew he wanted me… I saw it in his eyes, he flirted all night, I played it cool and said ALL the wrong things as you know. We admired each others careers, ambitions etc. Understood each other a lot. Sometimes we just talked with our eyes. The whole night felt like a jigsaw comng together. I felt we had connected.. maybe not !

    Sex was more than good and he was very attentive.. hugs, kisses, convo, questions about my life etc. I’m confused as to why he is NOT in touch.. as he appeared to bloody well enjoy the sex too. He’s the only man I dicussed politics,economies, jobs, animals, hobbies, dancing, sex, marriage, babies, contraceptives and STD’s with in the course of one night !

    I WANT to be more than booty call.. hence WHy I am not contacting him. I WANT more than FWB’s. It WOULD be sooo easy to contact him and ask for sex again.

    I will contact him and otehr friends together in a group message to say I am coming back in a few months.. if he does not want to meet.. I have my answer ! It’s his birthday end Sept so I will post on his FB timeline.

    #357881

    maria

    Harley, to be honest, I think he meant at least some of what he said but:

    1. It came out a bit over the top because he was drunk.

    2. It was probably a fantasy (yes, men have fantasies too) more than reality – what he would WANT, but in reality can’t have because of his life situation (with his ex wife etc).

    Then when you said no to all the things he “offered”, and ended it with “we’ll always be friends”, you kind of killed his fantasy…

    Right now, he needs space and a pause… he’s probably thinking about you though…

    I think the group message is a good idea. His response will tell you how he feels, and if you should move on or see him again.

    #357883

    Harley

    Yes Maria. Time will tell. I will know to be more responsive next time round with a guy. I’m learnng !!!!

    #357890

    Harley

    Will be messaging him BEFORE group message, for his birthday… a private message now I think.. not a timeline post.

    Thinking of saying ” I hope you have a very happy birthdy. greetings from the Emerald Isle. You’re looking hot and sexy as ever I bet.. I hope you get lots of presents and wishes come true ”

    IS this.. TOO SUGGESTIVE AND OTT ( over the top) ???

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