Ask a Guy: Did I Redeem Myself After Acting Needy? post image

Ask a Guy: Did I Redeem Myself After Acting Needy?

My relationship started out mushy and sweet with tons of texting, but recently slowed way down. I hate to admit it but I did let myself seem a little needy, unintentionally of course. He straight out told me “I don’t know what I want right now.. I just got out of something that was messy.. all I did was work and see her.. but I wasn’t lying about how I feel about you…”

I was a little confused so I played it cool and told him to just relax and not to put pressure on what we are. It’s best if we just go with the flow and see what happens. Two days later he texted me, just seeing what was up, and we had a short, simple, normal conversation.

So my question is, did I save face after being needy by playing it cool? And if so, is it the right move to not contact him…?

To answer your question, yes, it seems like you did the right thing by giving him space and taking the pressure off.

But with that said, let me define what I mean by “right thing” and while I’m at it also define “neediness” and “freak out phase”.

So first, acting needy is more of a mindset than it is an action or something you say.

When you are coming from a needy mindset, at the heart of it you have a fear that he’s going to leave or that he’s going to withdraw in some way. And in response to that fear, you feel compelled to make him reassure you or put a label on the relationship or prove his feelings towards you.

Neediness comes from a fearful place and broadcasts a feeling of fear to the guy. You “need” him to respond in a certain way or else you’ll assume your worst fears are true and then you’ll get upset.

When a man feels that energy coming from a woman early in a relationship, it feels like coercion – he either has to give in and act how you want him to act or deal with you being upset.

When I talk about a guy having a freak out phase, I’m just saying that the guy might be feeling like he’s losing control or freedom. Not every guy goes through feeling that way, but many do. Sometimes it’s a guys response to needy behaviors, sometimes it just gets triggered through his own fearful self-reflection.

Regardless, giving a guy space to sort it out is the best way to respond if a guy is feeling this way. If he’s feeling like his freedom or control is slipping away, the worst thing you could do is respond to that fear by “needing” to change how he’s feeling.

At the root of neediness or “freaking out” is a fear: Fear that being with their partner will lead them somewhere terrible. And being able to accept fear and give yourself and your partner permission to have fears is a healthy step along the way towards a better relationship.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Hi, I’m in a pickle! (British saying) I’m 50 and he’s 54 we’re both very conservative in our ways him more so. You’ve had three days the third one culminating in sex potentially too early. I really do not know if if this was a hookup or it’s leading to something and I do not know how to find out. I reiterate we are enough 50s there is no point messing about wasting time what I want to ask him is is was that a one night stand or do you want to go any further but I genuinely do not know myself either I’d happily see him again but I don’t want a permanent relationship at the moment.

Reply October 8, 2019, 2:21 am


I would like to put on the mailing list also…please and thank you…

Reply August 14, 2019, 8:27 pm


Hi there, great article! Wish I had read it before I messed things up..,my issue:

Met this guy…been texting/talking everyday, sometimes at length or even a few a day…we’ve enjoyed each other’s company…and he said we are exclusive and would last forever…

Over the past couple of weeks, he’s been working non stop..,barely has time for anything..,and then last week his daughter broke her leg (single father)…never heard from him that day…I didn’t know this had happened at this point…this was Wednesday…so on Thursday, I texted him asking if everything was ok..,he told me what was going on…how stressed he was, etc…Friday…I texted just asking how his daughter was…after that left him alone until Tuesday…

Tuesday, I texted saying I know he’s going through s lot, understand he needs his space, made sure he knew I was there for him…and asked if he was ok.,,5 minutes later he called…we talked about 15 minutes…he updated me with what’s been happening, said it wasn’t me, we were fine, told me he missed me…etc…all good!!

So here is the mess up…

After that, I decided to thank him for calling, said it was nice hearing his voice…then.,. I proceeded to text and ask “will he be coming back anytime soon”? And there was the mess up!! He read it…didn’t respond…so after a few hours, I responded to that question saying…”ok, guess not..,got the loud hint”. ….yuppers! Not so bright!! So after a few hours again…trying to save grace here…apologized for my comments and behaviour…and said it wasn’t called for, told him I understood that he’s going through a lot and needs his space…asked him to forgive me…he read it with no response…(now that hurts)…

Anyways, now I’ve decided to leave him alone until sept 1st…it’s going to kill me, but I have to do this for me…

I feel as if he’s fine with the rest of the world…can go socialize, do family stuff, work, etc…talk to everyone but me…I feel as if I’m being abused with this silent treatment….

I don’t know how to save this….I like him a lot, and really truly miss him…I don’t know what to do other than just leave him be…I truly hope he comes back…I’m open to your thoughts and opinions please…actually they would very much welcomed…thank you…

Reply August 14, 2019, 4:56 pm


We have been together for 2yrs but he seems to withdraw after he start to work in Vietnam. Is there anything I can do to fix things back like we used to have even he is far from me ? Please help me, I love him so much that I don’t want to lose him.

Reply August 13, 2018, 8:31 pm


So I acted really crazy and needy to a guy I like and we barely know one another. is there any chances that I can make him see me differently like when he first met me? Honest opinion. Basically I text him a lot , and I get upset at him he told me that I act like a crazy person which frightens him so he thinks we should be friends because a relationship with me wouldn’t be great. He’s told me that he really does like me and we have a lot in common but he is newly single, also I have to work on myself bc I have issues that I need to work on like I’m always paranoid and think he’s upset and when I text him about it he’s like “huh?” My last relationship was bad and I was very paranoid and anxiety driven in it due to all that went on and I’m being that way with this guy and we barely even know one another . I do really like this guy, what are your honest thoughts? I would like to get better for me but also do you think that there is any real chance he will see me differently “gf” type again? Do these stories ever turn around?

Reply May 23, 2018, 2:11 pm


I am confused with my relationship. He would tell me he loves me so much one night but he goes back to being distant the next day. He calls me his girlfriend but then we are dating again.

Reply March 13, 2018, 2:04 pm


Hi, i learned a lot from this website thank you very much. My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. Is there anyone here who can help me to get him back?

Reply March 6, 2017, 10:30 pm


Hi, I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend who started acting distant and disappeared for days at a time. I had to leave the country for a couple months and at first we were close when I left but he then disappeared for a week and I genuinely thought he had dumped me or was sick so I sent him some texts and a VERY long email detailing how I was feeling and crying and whatnot, essentially describing my very dragster emotional state in detail. I completely regret it now btw. After that email he tells me he lost his job (I called him and he told me) after continually avoiding me. I asked him if he wants to breakup but he swears he doesn’t and if I don’t believe he got fired then I have a decision to make. Anyway, I’ve been giving him his space and what I want to know is if I can salvage my relationship by giving him as much space he needs or if my psycho email ruined everything.

Reply December 28, 2016, 8:17 am


I meet a guy a couple of weeks ago we have been out on 2 dates and texting each other until recently, 3 weeks ago I asked him out for food, he said it should b good with him and he would let me know what day, i chased him a couple of days later as i would need to know to arrange a babysitter, same again he would let me know, he never came back to me about it at all, we have still been speaking 2 days ago he asked me for a catch up, I texted saying I would like to but wanted to know y he never got back to me when I asked, his response was he’s been flat out and must have made to many plans. I just responded lol it’s fine. I haven’t heard from him since was I being to needy in asking y he didn’t come back to me. Thanks

Reply September 7, 2016, 4:24 pm


Your blog is amazing! My friend recommended I read your site because I’m currently dealing with a real random situation…at least I think. Perhaps my case is something that peaks your interest. With that said, here goes:

I met him last year and we became good friends. I developed feelings for him and I vocalized them even though I was worried it would ruin our friendship. He had gotten out of a 5-year relationship, and that’s how we got close by confiding in each other. That’s also how I started falling for him.

I unfortunately couldn’t shake how I felt. You know how they say it takes a kiss for a woman to know they’re “the one?” Well quite frankly I’ve always thought that was stupid, lol. I’ve never been a romantic type of girl mainly because I feel like Hollywood paints this idea of romance in women and then hopes and standards are high and they hardly ever get met.

Anyhow, we never kissed, but when I hugged him goodbye (he lives a state over) I felt an all-over sensation (kill me). Because of this I sold myself on the idea to be persistent, but not pushy of course.

One of the times we brought this up he said he’d “thought,” about us dating, but said he didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Every time he mentioned going on a date with a girl I would cringe and he could tell.

Eventually, I got tired and told him that he needed to figure out his feelings. The only reason I said that was because it was obvious he liked me too via the sexual flirting through text, the having me talk to his mom on the phone, the calling me at the middle of the night as he made his way home, the texting me when I wouldn’t text him in a day, etc. Needless to say, we texted every single day (not exaggerating) for 9 months. We went almost a month without talking and then I texted him (I know). He said we’d talk to air out what happened, but never did. I eventually text him long text (again, I know), but all positive accepting where I was wrong and apologizing telling him how I felt about him. No reply.

After not hearing from him after two months, he tells a friend of ours (who doesn’t know the depths of our friendship and bond) about two weeks ago that he got tired of telling me he only saw me as a friend and that I was too dramatic and high maintenance , but that I was a really sweet girl. He added that he felt kinda bad for not replying but “oh well lol.” I mean, dramatic and high maintenance out of all the things I was to him he chose those words? Super hurtful. Considering how close we were (practically best friends), I somehow find those comments kind off and of course one-sided.

Told ya this was a real random situation, lol. I know you probably think I’m stupid for wanting him “back,” but it’s really only because I’ve always valued his presence in my life. I guess, I may even want just an interpretation of what happened. I honestly just hope he one day does the right thing and allows the opportunity to clear the air. Lesson learned ya know? Definitely grew. By dramatic of course he means by the way I would rather not argue over things that bothered me and just not talked to him for a little bit until I cooled down because I just didn’t want to argue. I’m very positive, lol, so I try to stray away from negative energy. High maintenance? Not sure where he got that from? Maybe I was showing off a little too much on social media and my confidence came off as high maintenance.

Thanks in advance Eric, you da man!

Reply September 1, 2016, 11:28 pm


Dated a busy guy (starting a new business/travels a lot) for about 4.5 months. 2.5 months into the relationship he said that he was in love with me. I didn’t take it too serious cause he wasn’t sober, was under work stress and it was over the phone while he was away. Later on, he told me in person and was sober so I somewhat believed it.

3 weeks ago I (made a mistake) of telling/informing him that I am looking for a serious relationship and he asked how I define serious and what are the things that I’m looking for. I told him that I need to think more ( which was the truth) and we can talk later. No Surprise, he became a bit distant after that day and said that he is feeling sick the following week. I didn’t contact him much and gave him space. He then asked me to meet on Sunday and on Sunday got “very sick” and cancelled. So you know where I’m going…

I acted normal and checked in with him after a few days to see how he was “feeling”. Again, felt the distance but lost it I guess. :(

I sent him a message very similar to the one mentioned in “How to Make Him Desire you” Section 11 – Capture His Heart By Revealing Your Imperfection. I told him that I respect him for things he does/believes in etc. and that I’m here for him if he needs me, if not then he can tell me. It was a long-ish message which I regret now.

He responded after a day saying he is thinking and digesting it and not ignoring. After another day, he sent a very short message that he he misses me and the times but can’t build a business, stay healthy and have relationship at once. 4 days into this and no contact. I plan to not contact him of course. Have a new date this week but I never felt like this for anyone and I am/ was in love with him too.

Did I overwhelm him and turned him off with my sincere message?
Did I express too much? Should I have waited longer and give him more space?

Reply August 16, 2016, 9:35 pm


Would love if Eric could give me his opinion on this…I was dating a guy I met through an online app 3 months ago. Everything was great- he would text me everyday, make plans to see me once or twice a week and even flew down with me to Miami for my bday 1 month after meeting. Fast forward to 2 months later he suddenly starts texting less, being too busy with work to hang out. Now if I text him he replies pretty quickly and if I ask to see him we do hang out granted that it is on his own time. We have a great time and things are not weird when we are together. I am just tired of having to pursue him for weeks. I decided to not text him unless he reached out to me and it’s been a week with no word from him. My question is should I wait a few weeks allow some time to pass and then reach out to him or should I move on completely?

Reply March 21, 2016, 9:57 am


I met this guy online. We hit it off, went on one date and then started hanging out. We hooked up and he continued to text. Past week has only texted if I text first. Now it’s been four days since either of us has initiated. Did I blow it?

Reply January 4, 2016, 6:12 pm


Girl no you did not blow it . If after you and him hooked up and he slowly drifted away sorry but that’s pretty much were the chase ended .Don’t start blaming yourself for his part and responsibility it takes two remember that . Continue dating its raining men lol don’t stop with him .

Reply April 29, 2016, 2:30 pm


I met a guy on a girls night out in the same profession as me who lived in a city fairly close to where I was moving. We hung out at their hotel, chatted all night and ended up falling asleep spooning!
He asked to meet up the next, and I cheekily responded “Only if you buy me dinner!” He agreed (to my surprise!) and we met up and ate together.
We texted, but often it would be several hours or even days before he got back to me- especially on weekends. Usually he told me his plans- and he always has lots of them- going somewhere with friends or on a weekend away- so I tried not to harass him if he didn’t get back to me.
We did talk about what we were looking for and he said he’d been in a series of relationships and had chosen to be single for a bit. I brought it up at a later date when he was being flirty and said “Ah but you’re not looking for a girlfriend!” and he responded “I didn’t say I didn’t want one.”
He very rarely called but when he did it would be a 2 hour conversation.
Several weeks later we met up; he was supposed to be going to an event close to me in the day. He called me though to say that the event had been moved to a place some distance from me, so I was ready to accept a cancellation when he told me he was waiting for a train and would be a little later than planned.
I cooked for him, we stayed up all night chatting and then had sex for the first time.
I told him how I was dating other people and sometimes agreed to dates just to relieve the loneliness of being in a new city; that I wanted a boyfriend but was worried about confining myself to one person when I had no other friends yet, and also had been badly hurt before.
He said that often he waited a long time to define a relationship- he mentioned 9 months as the longest he’d been in a not-quite-relationship. I laughed and said I’d never accept that and 3 months would be my upper limit. He looked thoughtful for a minute and then said “OK.”
He also mentioned that it was really cool how chilled out I was when he was busy and didn’t get chance to text back, like when he away for a weekend and I’d asked him how it was going but not received a reply until Monday. He said “There was no signal when you texted, and then I forgot. I was sure I’d blown it, but you were fine with it!” I admitted that it bothered me a little as I was unsure of his interest, but didn’t want to bother him when he was on holiday.
He reminded me that the second night he met me me his friends asked him where the hell he was going and he told them he needed to meet an amazing girl and would catch up with them later!
He bought me lunch before he went and I asked if he wanted to meet up again, and he explained that he had plans (one with friends, the next with family) the next two weekends, so I interrupted and said “Oh maybe sometime before the start of next month then.” And he said “Yeh, definitely.” He hasn’t suggested any plans yet though!
I’ve heard from him regularly since then, although sometimes it is the next morning, and he’s been supportive with advice for my career etc. If I’m upset about something he texts back immediately. Flirty texts, not so much!
But if it’s 3 weeks between dates etc., is that a sign he’s not making time for me and isn’t really interested? And if we live 2 hours apart and are both often busy, is it even viable?

Reply September 10, 2015, 6:35 pm


I met this guy at a party and we were VERY close. We didn’t hook up, but we did make out quite a bit. At the end of the night, I got his number and we parted ways. He seemed interested at the party but he takes hours to respond, yet when he does, he seems very flirty. I wanted to start talking to him but now I’m not sure if he’s interested at all. I asked him and his friends to join mine and me out to the movies, and he said he’d ask his friends, but he went out of town.

I can’t tell if he’s interested or just wanted some action that night.

Reply May 11, 2015, 1:26 am


ok so I have been being very needy and sad to say I am very ashamed because normally I am the one who got away…but this time it simply put I feel in love and became the needy monster we as women and men dislike ..but not I need to know is my relationship destined for a ending or can it be turned around to become good again?

Reply October 21, 2014, 9:09 pm


Is it possible to provide space after making him feel that way and actually make him notice or is it a waste of time?

Reply October 20, 2014, 2:17 pm


I am in the same position right now, he wants space, how long should I leave this for, should we not have any contact? so confused and not sure what to do for the best. Any advise greatly appreciated, thank you

Reply July 15, 2016, 5:26 am


Interesting…I’m “involved” with a guy 4 states away. We met 27 years ago, lost touch, then I found him on a social site. We shared intense messaging for a couple days, agreed we both desperately wanted to reconnect, and finally did after 3 months of hot messages and a phone call here n there. Since then, we have gotten together about once every month n a half, and he pulled back, not wanting a relationship. When I assured he had the choice to never see me again if he wished, he was almost immediate with “come on now, wait a minute”..and although distant, still seems interested in hooking up. He’s extremely sweet to me when we get together, gives me gas money to travel (his work prevents him from traveling), even handed me his bank card, gave me his pin #, and told me to get money from the atm. Yet, when I’m not there, he’s almost nonexistent. I usually initiate the texts, but he’s mostly quick to text back sometime polite or sweet. Mixed signals. What gives?

Reply October 17, 2014, 1:22 am

Michelle (Valley Grl 33)


Let me start by giving you a pat on the back, and a big hand of applause! This article rocked, I’m hooked. Keep them coming!

Reply October 7, 2014, 4:12 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks, I really appreciate that. :)

Reply October 7, 2014, 5:04 pm


i think this blog has the best relationship advice ever

Reply July 22, 2014, 5:16 am

Eric Charles

Thanks Trisha – I’m glad to have you here. :)

Reply October 7, 2014, 5:04 pm


This was such an interesting responce. I had the same thing happened to me and funny enough, this is the third relationship that ended so abruptly. I never thought I came across as needy, I felt as if we are both grown and the questions he posed to me and the response I gave was OK. Now that I have read a few of your articles I can clearly see where I went wrong with these relationships. This last one I know for sure felt smoothered. But in the beginning he was the one who text and said things that made me felt comfortable with my actions. Anyway you live and learn. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom with me. Blessings.

Reply November 20, 2013, 8:56 am


OMG I think this article…..scratch that this whole dating series has opened my eyes tremendously. I couldnt for the life of me understand why he was pulling back so much. Never stopped to think it was because i was being such a pest. I thought the more i showed him how much i liked him maybe he would go back to being “normal”, but instead he pulled back more. The more he pulled back the more i pushed until we decided to take a break before what we had was ruined. By taking a break we just removed the title. Nothing else changed. I think the title freaks him out. That and his friends started to complain that all he did was spend time with me. Now i get maybe 1 weekend out the month and of course that made me nuts…..OMG…..can’t believe i’ve been acting like this and causing all of the problems when I thought it was him.

He’s going through a lot, job wise, child custody and his son’s mother isn’t acting like such a stand up adult but i wont touch that since i only know his side of the story. I sit back and listen to him vent. I’m sure now that my neediness was adding more stress than he needed. In the beginning we were inseparable….attached at the hip until his custody stuff started….now it feels like he is running scared, and I have no clue how to get back to where we were. He constantly says his main priority is his son (who i’m not allowed around because he wants all of his attention lol) but he doesn’t want to lose me either. Ugh!!! Relationships….these things are never easy.

Reply March 29, 2013, 12:13 pm


U think the same rules apply to transsexual girls?

I was seeing this guy for a couple of months.
We met on a dating site where i openly stated that im a trans woman, we liked each other a lot! And we got intimate (im his first transsexual experience, although he’s had fantasies for a few years) after a month and a half of talking (he texted me very often) and hanging out. He lives in San Diego and I live in Los Angeles, long distance but not too bad. He told me he had a strong connection with me the next day. He still texted me but not as often. Then I got carried away and needy (classic neediness). He stopped texting me as much. A week later, he still hadn’t invited me down to SD again, so I asked him why. He said, I like you and there was no Big Bang, I’m not head over heels, you are moving too fast for me and I just want to get to know you…

I freaked out on him. I told him I won’t talk to him again. He responded saying, but I just said I liked you. I was so confused by him. And he told me I overreacted! We didn’t talk for a couple of days. Then I texted him and apologized. But he said I freaked him out, and I was cruel – I guess I said something mean to him, mainly how he was nice to me before sex and now he got to experiment sexually with a tranny, he’s no longer interested. But he didn’t talk to me.

A week of not talking after, I apologized again. He responded by saying the same thing, I freaked him out and it was scary. I told him my worse fear was that men want to sexually experiment with me. When I sense someone backing off from me, especially after sex, I tend to freak out… He said, things happen. Text me tmrw!

Then I texted him and sent him pics for the next few days to come but he never responded back. So I asked him, are you done with me? Do you not want to hear from me again? Then he said, yeah, you are a great person but I don’t think we mash well. Then I freaked out on him again, calling him a liar and pretended to be someone else just so he could sexually experiment with me… Then he said, i liked you but i backed away when there was drama… Blah blah blah… In the end, i asked him to pay the $37 he promised me, I took the train down to San Diego, he said he’d pay half of the trip.

This whole thing went down so quickly and dramatically, it’s still in my head and don’t know how to digest it… I feel bad cuz i know you shouldn’t have freake out but I had bad experience in the past and sexual-experimentation is a legit concern. I liked him so much, it’s gross to freak out but I thought he could hv been more sensitive to my feelings.

Reply October 12, 2012, 2:13 pm


i like this website. it helped me so much my my current situation. im Chinese btw :)

Reply September 3, 2012, 8:58 pm


I had this one guy friend who I have known for two years, we got along great and always had a few laughs, we worked together for about a year and then he lost he job but we still kept in touch quiet a bit. When I first met him I dd not know he was married, he used to flirt alot and we would have lunch together eveyday, always told me that he loved talking to me and that he felt like he was in high school again. I thought we had a great friendship connection. He often told me that he thought it was nice to talk to someone of the opposite sex and that he felt really comfortable with me. We managed to stay in touch through email, text, facebook over the next year. We did have a quick fling when we worked together but it never turned into anyting more than a half one night stand, a few hugs and kisses etc. he stopped himself from sleeping with me all the way, we still kept in touch over the next year, often talking about many things on a personal level until recently when his wife filed for divorce, he still contacted me but only when he wanted to talk or he needed me to tell him if I knew of any job openings, I would comment on his facebook and txt him to ask how he was doing and just letting him know that i was checking in on him. I understand he was going through alot for his divorce and i gave him space by not contacting him and because I also lost my father. he would contact me when he needed to vent and I would listen and give advice, but when I would contact him to also vent or just because i needed a friend to talk to because i was feeling down about my dad he would make it short or he would not answer my texts for weeks on end, if 10 people commented on his facebook status he would acknowledge them all with a reply but Me on more than one occasion. he did this often and I let it slide a first few times until recently when I called him on it and I aksed him why he did it and that I have always been nothing but a good friend to him and that I see that he always seems to ignore me when I need a friend. He would ignore me for weeks and weeks and then come back and ask me to go to his church, then ignore me for weeks on end again and send me links to connect emails only to ignore me for weeks on end again. I aksed him to be honest with me and let me know if he really wanted me as his friend and if not to let me know and I would go on my merry way, I told him that i have always enjoyed being his friend and I will remain his friend if that is what he still wanted but that to me a friendship was a two way street not a one way, I wished him the best of luck and that told him that I hope he finds whatever it is he is looking for in his life and that when he finds himself that i will be waiting if he wants me to be art of his life as a friend and if not then to let me know. I thought he enjoyed being my friend and never wanted anything else as he always told me that he was not looking for commitment so i told him what I thought he wanted to hear which was ok, we can remain friends if that is what he wanted. After I wrote him about him being distant with me, he must have gotten angry or upet with me for telling him that he needs to figure out if he still wanted me as a friend. He went as far as blockig me from email, phone and deleted me from his facebook. I know he is going through a divorce and that is alot of stress but am also going through my dads death and all I wanted was to talk to someone i thought was also my friend and could listen when i needed like i have done with him for many months. I dont believe he ever cared in the two years we have known eachother, i dont think he ever had any kind of feelings for me whether in friendship or even romantcally. I feel like he used me for his benefit, the benefit of having me as a friend to vent to but when i call him on the little things i have seen about him beng distant with me, ignoring or plain never answering me back for weeks on end he cuts me out of his life without even a word as to why. What is your take on this, I have left him alone and never tried to contact him again because i figure he never cared and he hates me enough to cut me out of his life, he wants no part of me in the new life he is trying to start. idk but that is my take on this, I would like others take on what they think. I dont ever plan on contacting him again and if he ever decides to contact me I am thinking i will ignore because like I said. I feel like he used me!

Reply July 28, 2012, 11:37 pm

Sanji Zuma

I don’t know why my request to be on the mailing list posted (?)

Reply May 22, 2012, 1:53 pm

Sanji Zuma

Hello Eric,
I would love to have a detailed article on Neediness and I would love
to be on your mailing list.
Thanks in advance,
-Sanji Zuma

Reply May 22, 2012, 1:52 pm



Reading the comments I basically have a similar story!

I have been seeing this guy for over 2mths in the beginning we saw each other 2/3 times a week spoke every day he told me how much he liked me etc and I basically wore my heart on my sleeve and told him the same.

Anyways he didn’t get back to me for a couple of days but he was away playing football I had a needy freakout and was like u didn’t get back to be blab la (hindsight I know it was stupid) anyways what followed was a talk on how we are to slow down but he still really likes me he just wants to make sure before we get into a ‘serious relationship’ so we started just having 1 date a week, which I found myself being really awkward and mean on because I felt like I hadnt spoken to him all week. Anyways I decided this week would be different and I havnt called/txt the last time we spoke was Monday when he rang me…

I got pretty hurt before I just don’t know what to do really. I really like him (never felt like this before kinda thing) so should I give up before I get hurt more?

Reply April 26, 2012, 6:17 am


My ex and I had broken up twice in the 1 year that we’d been together, and I had acted very needy at the time. Third time, I shed a tear, but told him to sort his head out. I am however still in love with him, and so do things to make sure he is comfortable and doing things right, such as cooking him lunch nearly everyday as we work together and eat lunch together. I don’t think that has done me much harm, however I have also been quite vocal about my feelings and how I am hurt and upset and so on, and this I now realise has caused things to get worse. I want to change this, simply because as two individuals we really get on, we have some similar tastes but are different to complement each other, we enjoy each others’ company while I am happy and not needy. I need some specific tips on changes in my behavior. Should I stop initiating any plans to meet up? Should I completely stop giving him a piece of my mind? Should I act like everything is normal and my life is perfect? Should I tell him I have made a change to my life and my way of thinking and am therefore happier now? Please help!

Reply April 7, 2012, 10:15 pm


After my ex and I broke up, I was really cool about it. But overtime, after 4 months, I freaked out and acted needy, partly because I was having a lot of stress with a new job, family issues. I wrote him long emails of how much he’d hurt me and told him my anxiety symptoms. He’s now blocked me. What can I do to redeem myself? Thanks.

Reply March 21, 2012, 10:03 pm


Hi Eric. I have been with my partner for a good eight months now. At the start, it was full of chase, and then slowed over time. Now he seems too busy to do hardly anything. I keep myself busy too, and every now and then we make plans. I feel I made a mistake one day and asked him if we were okay, because we seemed distant. He said we were fine and apologized for seeming distant. Then a few days ago, we got into a fight, nothing about us, had the few no talk days, and then made up. I feel this bothered me much more than him, and now I feel like an idiot, because I went and asked him stupid questions. More “Are we still okay?” “Will we still be like before?” I realize now that this was wrong, and I’m worried I won’t be able to set things on track again because now he knows I can be needy. Do you think he would look down at this from now on, even if I relaxed and played it normal? I love your advice, and I’ve joined your mailing list. Thank you.

Reply November 14, 2011, 10:11 pm


Eric, I really appreciate your doing this and sharing great advice with us women – I’m wondering if you can help me: I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months pretty much every weekend, and things seemed great. I sensed him pulling away though on our last date , and despite my best attempt I acted needy and probably unfair at the end (I was upset that he did not want to spend some time alone after meeting my friends for the first time, and that he did not commit to seeing each other in the next 2 weeks since he’d have several friends in town). I am afraid I scared him away, but he knows that I am feeling hurt. Question is – should I wait till he contects me, or “man up” and call him to say sorry for acting unlike myself due to fears? Thanks for your advice.

Reply November 3, 2011, 10:42 am


Hey I absolutley love this site. I think you are wonderful with advice and not too blunt at all. So heres the thing. I am dating this guy for almost a year now and I have only gotten serious with one guy before him. I keep questioning so many things about him. He is not too emotional and he does not like to ever tell me how he feels. Once in a while he will drop some nice comments but thats all. Overall he is a great boyfriend. But I dont know whats going on with me. He has told me about girls that he has gotten serious with before but I dont know how much I mean to him and how far I am with him. It took him 9 months just to say I love you. He has dropped some comments to me like, “You know the way to my heart.” & “I probably would have asked you to marry me by now if you didnt think so much about things”. I dont know how he feels about me and I cant stop thinking about it. I just want him to tell me but I dont want to push him or pressure him. how do I go about this without sounding too needy?

Reply October 21, 2011, 3:47 pm


Hi Eric,
please put me on your direct dating mailing list

many thanks
and regards


Reply October 11, 2011, 3:34 pm


Hi Eric,
THANK YOU so much!!
I am soo glad I stumbled across your website and read your brilliant insights in to the male mind. I am a Psychologist and I am great at interpeting and helping others but when it comes to relationships and working out the male mind, that’s when it becomes challenging. I recognise now how I put pressure on the guy that I am dating at the moment, and although not intentionally, this was out of a subconscious need or desire to connect with someone. When I read your articles on this site it gave me great clarity. I did give him space when he suddenly ‘freaked out’ on me because I was tired of ‘convincing’ men to want to be with me. It was still really hard doing that. He did come back and start texting and calling me, but was still telling me he was confused. The hardest thing I found was trying to get over the hurt and disappointment that I felt. The wonderful thing is that I am currently in South Africa working for a month and he is still in Australia and he has been texting me most days. Some success… so will see what happens when I get back to Australia.

Reply October 6, 2011, 12:04 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Tenneile, that rocks. :) I am glad it helped.

Reply October 6, 2011, 1:35 pm


sorry for the errors on the post anyway there is this guy at my office kind of showed a sign of interest towards me but unfortunately he had a girlfriend and his gf broke up with him.I’m supremely confuse as he shows sign of interest like frequently coming to fill up his water bottle which is new my place and he gives that eye contact you know what i mean.All of a sudden he changed drastically but yet he looks at me when im not watching him .The worst part he didn’t even make a move of approaching me so i made it as i was not really into him .Unfortunately, one of my friend told him about my feelings and he still didn’t even make a move but just secret looks at me .Later , he added me at facebook but whenever i start to have a conversation with him ,he refuse to answer my question n with short replies like yes or no .Recently i messaged him saying that is he free to meet up but all his answers was a no and now when we bump into each other i know he has feelings but dont know what when wrong or what i have done made him to keep away from me .Should it be that he is a playboy who just like to play peoples feelings but i dont get why the first place he gave me fake hope on something that you are not in to.Really hope for you reply

Reply September 26, 2011, 11:54 am


Maybe he is still dealing with his ex and his feelings for her. Maybe he just needs time to heal and it has nothing to do with you. He might like you, but is actually taking time to heal so that he doesn’t hurt you and his feelings wont cause problems if he does decide to have a relationship with you. I would just wait and be his FRIEND. DO NOT pressure him about it or ask questions about his ex. If he already knows you are interested in him, just leave it at that. Give him some time and if he is ready – he will let you know. Hope that helps. Good Luck.

Reply April 17, 2012, 11:52 am


well there this guy who shows his feelings to me at the beginning and he actually had girlfriend but recently he broke up with his gf and things became worst for me as i started to have more feelings for him.At the office he comes frequently to fill his bottle of which is near my and he gives that look that he is into me but not long he found that i had feelings for him and he started not to show much feelings but then he added me at facebook which made things worst because i started to msg him n he replies .Due time when i asked him when is he free he refuse to reply which made to say what shall i do in order for you to reply n he replied that he was busy n can’t meet me .From that day i kept my distance but i have feelings for him n im not so sure he has but i caught him looking at me secretly when im not aware of it .I really wonder why is he doing this to me and really hope you could help me out please by the way he is a Chinese guy and im a mix so is that an issue for him

Reply September 24, 2011, 1:24 pm


Hey eric…ur advices are amazing..and true..just wondering,why are u doing all this for free?

Reply September 20, 2011, 8:42 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Sue – cuz that’s what I do. :)

Reply September 20, 2011, 10:01 pm


I am going through a similar situation. We had “the talk” because (even though he didn’t use these words) I became too needy/clingy. He said he didn’t have the time that I was asking of him, as he had too much going on with his new job and the long working hours. That he had been putting off this conversation for the past couple of weeks, but because he liked me very much he needed to be honest. I also tried to save face by saying that we could take things slower at his own pace and that I could be more understanding of his time. I also said that if he felt like he had to let me go, then by all means. But at that point he said he would talk to me later. A couple of days have passed and he has not contacted me. I can’t help but wonder if we are broken up or not. My question is, would I make it worse if I tried to contact him again, even if it’s just to obtain closure, or should I definitely give him more time/space? Or should I just move on?

Reply September 19, 2011, 3:18 pm


It`s exactly what i`m going through right now..I have the exact same questions

Reply September 20, 2011, 3:02 am


WOW girls… Exactly my situation right now. He tells me he can’t do the “clingy” thing then says he doesnt have time to give for me…. Says he is a mix between wanting me in his life and wanting to completely cut me out… I told him he needs to figure it out. Havent heard for him almost three days now (and we usually talk every day!!!) OMG!!!!!! THIS HURTS!!!!!!!!!

Reply September 21, 2011, 1:19 am


And we have only been dating two months..I accidentally got drunk on Friday night and dont remember it, but I guess I was too touchy at a bar and it really pissed him off… He told me he could eventually forgive me but then the next day he seemed to change his mind and started making up excuses. Please, please, please! I need the same advice. I dont know IF I should contact him tomorrow night to see what he has decided and/or to get closure.. Or do I wait it out and pray he will start thinking about me again?

Reply September 21, 2011, 1:22 am


I’ve decided not to contact him. After all, what he was asking for is space. So, he’s probably just taking his space and let him have it… Besides, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I figure if he wants me then he’ll come looking for me. And if he is too late, well too bad, it’s his loss!

September 21, 2011, 9:42 am

Eric Charles

Thanks – glad you like my stuff, I appreciate hearing that.
And yeah, definitely get on the list – I give away my best stuff there (still free, of course.)

Reply September 14, 2011, 5:45 pm


I would like to get on the ANM Dating mailing list…OMG Eric you are NAILING all the flaws I have experienced and still trying to correct so I don’t lose the guy!!! Thank you for all your advice!!!!

Reply September 14, 2011, 2:22 pm


Hi Eric,

I stumbled upon your page in search of some words of wisdom to keep me from being too anxious about my current situation and I totally found them here! You definitely described what I am experiencing. He is totally in a freak-out phase and I am realizing that I ended my last relationship because of/during a freak-out phase. I have never been able to see myself through one. I get so insecure and so needy and so upset that I bail or I drive the guy away. I really like this current guy and I am going to great lengths not to appear needy or I guess as you would say, act from a needy mindset. I am knee deep in fear right now, though and “playing it cool” during this phase is tearing me apart! Any advice on how a girl can get through this internally without too much stress/anxiety?

Reply September 9, 2011, 6:48 pm

Eric Charles

Get on the ANM Dating mailing list IMMEDIATELY – I’m sending out an e-mail tomorrow all about neediness and how to make sure that you don’t fall victim to it. If you get on the list after tonight you’re going to miss it.
You can sign up by entering your name in the “pop up” or following the link at the bottom of the post.

Reply September 9, 2011, 7:53 pm


Ive only just come across this and it has changed my crummy, crappy week. From knotted feeling in my stomach to knowing that regardless of how things go, IT’S OKAY! I’m about to join the mailing list, but could really use the email on how not to fall victim to neediness. Is there anyway I can get a copy please.

Reply November 4, 2011, 12:59 am

Eric Charles

Yeah – join up and you’ll get it after a few days.

Reply November 4, 2011, 1:45 am


Thanks, got it! :-)

November 9, 2011, 12:17 am


Thanks for the insight. I tend to overreact to stressful situations not meaning to. And just need my friend/long time Love back in my Life. I’m also trying to heal from previous toxic relationship without putting it in this friendship. Gonna take it slow and see what happens cause I want this to work. I want us to be able to function as a team again and I want to be able to function all together again. I miss him and I miss me and what I know we could and can be . Thanks again..

Reply August 29, 2020, 4:30 pm


I just recently met this guy online, our first date was amazing, and i thought he was someone i really could connect with. Then we slept together and he ignored me for 3 weeks. So after three weeks of not knowing what was going on, he used my car broke down excuse (it was true his car broke down on our date) So after that things were going really well and i was enjoying my time with him. After awhile i thought id bring up dating, but he continued to say girls change with the label so we didnt have a label. We pretty much spent everyday together for a least a month and half straight. So i understood we’d get tired of each other. So we started getting into fights and i said somethings i wish i hadnt. So when i called and left a voicemail and apoligized sincerly. He never responded, not until i said more hurtful things and then he retaliated, and something worse. Now we arent talking but to be honest i just wanna be friends but i dont how to go about saying that to him without sounding needy. I enjoyed our friendship a lot more then anything. Should i just leave it alone or ask him if he’d still want to be friends, even though he called me something that you should never call some of the black decent? im just really confused on whats going on and could really use some help. I know im young (20) and boys come and go, but this is more about just being friends. So Please help, i would greatly appreciate it.


Reply August 19, 2011, 3:30 pm


Have you managed to sort anything out? I think when you didnt have a friendship with someone from before dating, its difficult to foster a friendship after since the original foundation is lacking. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses. I was in a similar situation of wanting the person in my life still because we used to laugh and have so much fun. We are on civil terms and are ‘friends’ but never really, meet up or talk much. I think some people are able to make it happen, but sometimes it’s just better to let it go and move on.

Reply November 4, 2011, 12:55 am


One more thing – today I said this to him: “aw ___ i miss u! i still feel really bad about sunday #i blew it# and u didnt deserve that. I truly do appreciate the time you spend with me.”

He hasnt responded to it yet!!!

Reply July 28, 2011, 1:10 pm


Hi Eric
Love your website….

Okay, let me start from the beginning…
I am now 28 and when I was like 17 years old, I dated this guy….we dated for about 6 months, but eventually ended things because I was so young and had no freedom (he was 20 and in the military)……..flash forward 10 years, and now he has been stationed in the town I live in about a month ago….so of course he looked me up! We met and just recapped old times….eventually it led to him coming over to the house, and we had sex on several occasions…but the sex was always preceded and ended with much conversation and quality time spent…..

Now, he is going through a divorce, and at this time wants to remain a bachelor…which is fine with me because I want to be a bachelorette, as I just came out of a 2 year emotionally abusive relationship……so, he is dating around…which is cool with me because I am too….

But what happened was, the last 2 dates we had, he didnt wanna have sex! One time I invited him over for Sunday dinner…he came….ate (the food)….we chilled…and then he left a few hours later….no sex, but a good time spent as friends……then, last Saturday I texted him and asked him if he’d like to join me for drinks and he said “sure!”….he picked me up….we went out….and he dropped me off at home – but didnt come in! And during our time at the restaraunt, this girl kept BLOWING his phone up, and he got very irritable about it because he said he had told her he would call her back but before he had a chance, she was calling him REPEATEDLY (being needy)….needless to say, it also perturbed me…because it seems like he has someone already trying to monopolize his time…couple that with the fact that the sex has kinda tapered off a bit, and you can see why I’m like “ugh!”….I asked him why we’re not having sex, and he said “I dont want to take advantage of you, and I also dont want you to think I dont have time for you”….

Also, he intentionally left his clothes at my house last time he was there, and declined to take them with him when I offered them to him :)

So the next day I sent him a text saying that I feel like I shouldnt contact him anymore because it seems as if he has someone tying him down already (when he’s only been here 4 weeks) and that I thank him for linking back up, and maybe we’ll meet again, and to take care of himself…..he IMMEDIATELY tried to call me back and text me, but I had my phone off….however, he found me on Yahoo messenger….he said “What was up with that text? You make it seem as if I cant give you the time of day….and I’m not married to anyone down here, so I’m not tied down to anyone” …….I told him that was cool and I wanted it to stay that way at least for now, basically becuz I dont want him tied down because we couldnt hang out……he said his intent is to remain a bachelor….so I was like Ok. and we smoothed things over…..he told me “You’re my friend…I like that I can be myself around you….we have a unique relationship, and we are friends, no ifs, ands, or buts…..”

My question is – DID I TOTALLY BLOW IT?? I let my insecurity cause me to push him away when I didnt really mean it…I’ve been *really* light on the texting him this week, and so far everytime I do text (like every 2 days) he does respond so thats good…..but still, I’m scared now that he’ll see me as a nag or something, when I’m not really like that at all!! He’s in the military and I think they’ve been in the field all weeek, but still, he’s cooled down as far as texting me…..IS HE GONE FOR GOOD??? Am I on the right track towards redeeming myself???

Reply July 28, 2011, 12:52 pm


I think that he truly does like you as a friend. And he doesn’t want to mess it up with you thats why its better to go slow .. instead of just sex.. thats awesome that you guys can just hang out & have fun.. if he didn’t want to talk with you he would let you know. But be there for him like your doing.. not overboard at all by the way. Hope all goes well. & I know this is like a late response. but just wanted to comment on it. : )

Reply October 2, 2011, 11:25 pm


So if the guy your dating is being distant and has returned a text or call in 2 days when do you call or text to say hi how’s it going? Or do you let him reach out to you first and just stay strong?

Reply July 17, 2011, 2:10 pm

Eric Charles

Whenever you want…
I don’t get caught up in the whole “making them wait” game. If it’s not authentic, your true feelings will show through anyway.
My point is that you make sure you’re content and centered yourself so that however he responds (or doesn’t respond) doesn’t upset you and lead to a downward spiral… regardless of whether you text him back within 3 seconds or 3 days.

Reply July 17, 2011, 2:59 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks, glad you liked it.
And… Libra.

Reply July 15, 2011, 4:30 pm


And being able to accept fear and give yourself and your partner permission to have fears is a healthy step along the way towards a better relationship.

—- Love what you just wrote there, Eric!!

BTW, what star sign are you? I am just curious! Taurus?

Reply July 15, 2011, 10:12 am

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