August 10, 2014 at 3:50 pm #358389
Some people say leopards can’t change their spots… I believe they can.. Look at alcoholics become teetotalers, sex addicts reformed. The thing is.. THEY HAVE TO WANT TO.. and DO IT.
I believe we all evolve.. because we want to… some STAY stuck in ruts.
IF.. this guy wants another chance.. he will let you know. I THINK… he would have been already saying it by now, or at least starting to TRY.
So.. time will tell.. but i think he just wants it to go back to the same.
IT’s FABULOUS to see/hear all the changes in you ! I love how most of us have grown here over the past few months !August 10, 2014 at 3:55 pm #358391
I don’t think he’s changed. Or evolved in anyway. If U remember ur breakup, he didn’t take any responsibility. If he had evolved/changed he would have said sorry or something. I think he just like the ego boost U give him. A d in his mind U R still into him as U R still replying to his msgs. Also the fact U R talking about him being evolved tells me that U R not as distanced from this as U think U R.August 10, 2014 at 4:12 pm #358398
All good points Sherri. Serena, dig deep here.. food for thought, Sherri’s points.August 10, 2014 at 4:56 pm #358408
Harley – I agree people can change if they want to. They have to want to.
Sherri – I think you completely misunderstood what I was saying. I never said he was evolving or evolved. I asked a question that if one person can change can’t that mean someone else can? I’m well aware of the fact that he didn’t take any responsibility which is why I never initiate contact and I don’t react with emotion to his texts. I’m not looking for anything with him. I have completely distanced myself mentally from him as a someone I was involved. He is now just someone I know.August 10, 2014 at 5:16 pm #358411
I think we’re all just worried you’ll get sucked in again.August 10, 2014 at 5:27 pm #358414
I know Harley and I as always appreciate the support. But you can’t get sucked in if you know what you want and know what you deserve. I really believe it’s the mindset of knowing you deserve more and your own confidence.August 10, 2014 at 5:42 pm #358420
Hey Vi – Apologies for taking over your thread. :$ Sorry hun.August 10, 2014 at 5:51 pm #358422
I think the caution is that YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.. but WHEN HE STARTS PRETENDING to agree with it and YOU believe him.. like I did with Mike.
I really DO think you have your head screwed on this time so it will all pan out ok.August 10, 2014 at 7:21 pm #358430
Ha, no worries Serena – digress away ;) Yourself, Harley and Maria are the only ones addressing me anyway.
I’m glad you’re over him. Regarding your question if two people can change? I think if both people were able to change together, then they wouldn’t necessarily have broken up.
Went to see “Boyhood” tonight. Man. That film is loooooong :PAugust 10, 2014 at 8:32 pm #358435
Thanks Vi. I read this thread…but can’t find the one where you talked about S. I can’t recall maybe I did post in it. What was it called?
In your posts in this thread, I see so much how we think and are really alike. I see a lot of myself in your words.August 11, 2014 at 2:10 am #358463
Hey Serena, great to see YOU in here <3
Yes, your new strength and way of thinking is attracting him.
Since you don’t want him back, IMO (considering the circumstances – that you have already talked and total NC would be a bit rude right now), the best way to go about it is to not encourage him in any way. Talk/communicate as little as possible without being rude. Take your time to answer him and answer only with a few words. Show him that way that you’re not interested, and if he doesn’t get it, THEN go NC.
Harley, how to respond if a guy gets back in touch?
As so often, I think what’s right to do depends on the situation and the people involved.
M – I wouldn’t give him a second chance. He has proven himself totally unreliable, so there’s not point in giving him/saying/doing anything really.
F – well, there were a lot of miscommunication there, so I’d definitely hear him out. I’d listen, watch and observe him, and if things were going in the right direction/if he did all the right things, I’d say NOTHING. And if it/he didn’t, I’d either ASK HIM SOFTLY about his thoughts, wishes and plans, or (if I felt his heart wasn’t in it, and it wasn’t going anywhere) (and that my words/questions wouldn’t make a difference), I’d say nothing and move on.
Vi, answer when/if you have the time. There’s no hurry.August 11, 2014 at 2:19 am #358466
He’s Just Not…
Read: He’s Just Nit that Into You.
Guys are cut and dry – he wants to see you, he’ll ask – again and again if he has to. Don’t waste your time on figuring out why somethings work and others don’t. Girl, you deserve a man that will be begging to be with you – always!August 11, 2014 at 2:56 am #358472
We know that. Not all situations are the same though.
If you want to be taken seriously in here, present yourself with a username, not a sentence or word.August 11, 2014 at 3:22 am #358473
Ha Ha Maria, loving the humour. Yes.. I have NO intentions of entertaining M again.. cordial loose friends maybe as in merry xmas.. no hard feelings… but that’s it. But.. yep.. NO going back there.
F.. time will tell.IF EVER he gets in touch , I will of course hear him out. Thanks for the pointers on how to ask SOFTLY… htat is my biggest problem ! Who knows in another month I may not even think of him. I AM not obsessing which is good.
It’s funny how TIME and ADVICE has healed us all.. none of us are willing to settle for crumbs anymore. I REALLY do think inner happiness is the key. I realise now I DO deserve MORE, I DON’T have to put up with crap behaviour ans excuse or accept it. I AM learnniga LOT about conflict resolution and how to avoid arguments by just PHRASING things different.
The past few months I think I have been changing and stream-lining my THOUGHT PROCESS and ACTIONS completely. I AM MUCH happier in life. THIS IS GREAT !August 11, 2014 at 7:52 am #358499
Thanks He’s not that into you :) Though I agree that if a man is interested he’ll pursue you, it’s not just about what the man wants. Since starting this thread I’ve realised that my responses to these guys asking me out has actually turned them off following through. I was paranoid about not seeming interested, and over-exaggerated my enthusiasm, thereby coming across as either desperate or disingenuous.August 11, 2014 at 7:53 am #358500
On the subject of telling men when you don’t like their behaviour – whether it be ghosting or being a douche; here’s what Christian Carter has to say:
“honesty is one of the most liberating and valuable traits to develop—and it’s even more valuable when you’re dating.
It’s OK to be a woman and want what you want as a woman, and let him know it. It’s OK to tell a man that his behavior doesn’t match with what you want. In fact, doing these EXACT things will make you more attractive to men. The amazing thing is that men crave honest women who are up front about who they are and what they want in relationships, and who can share these things in a way men think of as “low-drama.”
But you’ve just got to know the RIGHT WAY to communicate these things without going over the top.
If you’re honest and up front about what you want and expect from a man, in a way that says you’re not too attached to the immediate situation with him and the outcome, it can have an EXTREMELY POWERFUL EFFECT. The man will unconsciously recognize that YOU are the one doing the choosing and selecting. (Remember the “natural” process and triggers we talked about before?)
For example, let’s say one of your expectations is that a man be honest with you. You discover that he’s been lying about his availability because he’s still seeing an ex-girlfriend. You could say, “It seems to me that you aren’t being fully honest here. I really expect that the man I date be honest with me about where he’s at, otherwise I’m not interested in pursuing anything further.”
That’s one way of telling a man how you feel and proclaiming your expectations without being too attached to the outcome. But what if you were to say, “I’m really worried that you’re lying to me and that it means you don’t care as much as you say you do. I wonder if you really want a relationship with me or not.” Can you can sense in that statement the attachment to the outcome (the need for validation of his feelings for you) and the situation (you want to have a relationship with him and that sounds more important than your expectation of honesty)? Notice how your expectation of honesty is not clearly communicated in that second example.August 11, 2014 at 8:42 am #358503
Hi Vi.. yep I READ all that AFTER I posed my questions and I must say I agree with it. My problem is being too blunt/harsh. I really MUST learn how to phrase things different. I was sooo laid back with the German. think I turned him off… the opposite of you !
HOW are you feeling today ???August 11, 2014 at 10:01 am #358530
Thanks Maria. How are you? <3
Vi – Can you explain about changing together? Not sure I understand. I think if two people are together and both have things to work on, it won’t work but if they separate for a period of time that self evolving could take place as a result of a breakdown in the relationship bec before the breakdown they weren’t aware of the traits that possibly affect the relationship and ones in the past. I’m not saying that it will occur for both people at the same time but can if both people are able to recognize or want to understand why something fell apart. Hope that makes sense and I didn’t confuse everyone. lol
Also, with regard to your statement:
“Since starting this thread I’ve realised that my responses to these guys asking me out has actually turned them off following through. I was paranoid about not seeming interested, and over-exaggerated my enthusiasm, thereby coming across as either desperate or disingenuous.”
What were your responses if you don’t mind sharing an example?
Harley, I think you’re doing great too.August 11, 2014 at 10:18 am #358539
I think people can change/evolve together AND separate… we all have to work on ourselves and OWN/separate issues but when we have a problem TOGETHER , we have to work through it together.
Example.. me and my guy aren’t agreeing on whether to do long distnace or not, and are arguing. He’s beeing a bully, telling me what to do, I’m shouting my head. of.. I go off separately and work on my issue.. MY TEMPER, he goes off and works on his.. FORCING HIS OPINION ON ME,
WE both COME together.. try to see EACH OTHER’S point of view.. and a MUTUAL solution.. I stop shouting, he stops forcing. INSTEAD.. we DISCUSS the pros and cons of the situation.. WHO can move, WHEN, WHY, ARE THEY SACRIFICNG something they don’t want to, etc etc etc.
WE either work together(evolve together) to make this work.. OR. WE go our differnt ways.
Does this make sense ? Does it EVEN answer your query ???August 11, 2014 at 10:20 am #358541
I worry TOO MUCH TIME working on things separate… taking a break…..results in them going their separate ways.
For me A definite,mutually agreed period of timeout/break is required.. i.e 2 weeks/1 month/2 months.. come back together then and talk. A bit like NO CONTACT I suppose.August 11, 2014 at 10:31 am #358551
Thanks, that does make sense I agree. Your explanation was good I got :) And yes you did answer my question.
The problem or rather thought I have about my situation is not that I’m worried about getting back together or anything like that. I don’t mind the occasional chat. I think it’s easier for me bec he doesn’t live here and I’m facing the realities of whatever it was that we were doing didn’t have an end goal per se or maybe there was but it was never communicated by either of us. He has made comments to me over text, I think he is trying to gauge my interest level in him but I don’t react to it, not to be mean but I feel like if he has something he wants to talk about then he can bring it up and we have a normal civilized convo but I won’t be the one to say hey what’s up or what’s happening or why are you saying this or that. I’m in control of what I am doing and how I feel so that’s what matters to me. Some may not agree. But I don’t hate him and yes he screwed up and I don’t think it’s so easy to come back from that. Things have to be very different and an apology is needed, but like I said I won’t be the one to prompt for one. I guess if it’s meant to be more than an occasional chat it will be and things will be more organic with boundary setting in place. We are both free agents and can date whoever we want.August 11, 2014 at 10:36 am #358554
Yes.. I agree. I would WAIT IT OUT and let him talk. HE.. has to learn to communicate better, see where HE went wrong, asadmit it( in his own head at least) adn CHANGE things. So.. this is where HE has to evolve separate.
YOU.. I think.. have ALREADY evolved separate.
NOW.. (if it’s to be)YOU BOTH hava to come together and evolve together. IF.. both don’t work on it.. like a marraige.. nothing works in my opinion.
THAT’S why I think sooo many marriages fail.. only one person works at it.. both MAY evolve separately but NOT together WHEN/WHERE IT matters.August 11, 2014 at 10:44 am #358559
Totally agree with you. I think that’s where people do go wrong, not always but perhaps yes. It’s one person growing but the other is on their own journey which means you’re not a good fit at this point in time. Waiting it out for me is not putting my life on hold. If I were to meet someone new and things developed I would go with it. I won’t wait for someone, I only have control over my life and my happiness. :) We all do.
Vi- I’d like to hear more from you when you have a chance. Not about my situation but about how you are doing…I hope you’re ok.
When I said we were alike I meant with regard to us being too nice and possibly not valuing our selves and giving too much too early on.August 11, 2014 at 10:46 am #358561
Also, who knows what he wants, maybe it’s just to chat too. Nothing more. But I won’t worry about his intentions and until he steps forward and says what he wants if it’s anything at all.August 11, 2014 at 10:55 am #358567
Oh.. I ALWAYS SAY ” WAITING” .. I DON’T mean “WAIT”.. WAIT..AS IN live YOUR LIFE.. exactly as you are doing. I suppose I really mean.. allow a portion of your BRAIN to wait.. to hear him out, if he comes back, don’t close down, shut him out completely.. until the time IS right.. that you know to move on 110 %.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ! xoxoxo
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