BF friends with women he’s had sex with

This has been an issue for the entire relationship, and it always sounded like he was transparent about it. Is there a reason you didn’t talk about it in depth before agreeing to move in together? Was this a self-sabotage move on your part? How did he respond? Does he now have doubts that you held on to this without speaking up to the extent you did?

You need to be honest with yourself and decide if you’re incompatible, because this issue hasn’t gone away after a year. Hiding it or saying “I know it’s my fault and I’m insecure” doesn’t make it go away. If his female friends are truly not a dealbreaker for you, continue to work through it with your therapist. Staying friends with exes years later may not be for everyone, but it also doesn’t mean you’re not enough — because it has nothing to do with you at all. Maybe talk to your therapist about why you label all these people as exes rather than just seeing them as normal people, which is all they are to your boyfriend. They’re not spending every minute of their lives enticing your boyfriend into leaving you, or probably thinking much about him (or you) at all beyond normal friendship interactions, so figure out why you’re so scared of them and why you give them so much space in your own mind. And why you’re still looking for problems and creating them in your relationships.

Your boundary of not wanting them alone with him in your home is fine if he’s okay with it, and as long as he respects it there’s no further problem for him to contend with. But your honesty upfront with both him and yourself is still very important. Because you also shouldn’t decide you’re all in with him as long as he respects this one boundary if you’re then going to keep shifting the goalposts on him later if this boundary isn’t actually enough to ease your fears (which I suspect it’s not because he’s not actually doing anything to create those fears, you’re just flailing around looking for a bandaid compromise until you can be at peace inside yourself, hence the continued conversation with your therapist).

Ella: the answer is very simple. Men separate sex and love. He was never seriously in love with anyone of these women he still hangs out with. He had sex with them, there wasn’t any big romantic thing attached to it and in each case they realized it wasn’t going that way but liked each other enough to stick to being friends. They aren’t really even exes in my book, they are women he dated for a while and that’s it. He genuinely likes these women as people. He’s being above board with you about it all. Nothing shady. You ask questions, he answers honestly. He loves you, he’s committed to you and you’re moving in together.

Does that help you understand?

I am friends with a few guys I dated and had sex with a long time ago. We are not interested in each other romantically any longer and I’d never have sex with or date any of them again. Been there, done that, we know it’s not how we’re meant to relate. But I like them as people and enjoy hanging out with them or talking with them on the phone occasionally. I had a BF who didn’t like it. He’d been cheated on by an ex-wife. We eventually split up because he couldn’t understand why I have male friends I at one time slept with. I told him I was never serious with any one of them (3). He came back around a year later and said he made a mistake breaking up with me and that he was wrong to be so jealous but I was seeing someone else and also I’m never going to be able to trust him again anyway. I got tired of being punished for someone else’s cheating. I really cared for him and could have fallen in love with him, but what he needs is a woman who is willing to have no male friends because he can’t handle it. I’m not that woman.

Maddie and Raven are right. Get into counseling and work this out or this relationship will end due to your issue. Your guy has friends who happen to be women. At least he has friends. I really hope you can get over this, but you won’t do it on your own as this seems to have been an issue for you for quite some time.