I met a really cute guy at a bar last weekend- we were both a little drunk and ended up making out a bit. I really felt a spark with him and he seemed really into me but I never heard from him! This isn’t the first time something like this has happened either, what’s the deal?
OK – let me say a few things right off the top.
First, about bars. Now, I’ve met women in bars before, I’m not against bars as a social environment. I’ve even worked in bars. It’s fun, but you have to remember that bars are an escape for people – it’s a chance to get out of your regular life and routine.
When someone is at a bar, they are not how they are in regular, day-to-day life. This applies to men and women. It might be out of defensiveness, it might be out of cutting loose or it might be out of wanting to lose themselves in the moment. Whatever the reason, you can’t really judge someone when they’re in “bar-mode”.
Then you throw alcohol into the equation and any semblance of judgment, perception and reason is out the window.
Again, I am not saying don’t go to bars or don’t meet people in bars. I am recommending that if you meet someone in a bar, don’t read anything into it or invest anything in it until you’ve truly had a chance to be around this person outside.
When you tell me that you made out with a guy and that you felt a spark, that definitely tells me how interested you were, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he saw it as anything more than fun in the moment.
I can tell you that there are many reasons a guy might not call the next day after meeting him at a bar. Believe it or not, it has nothing to do with whether or not you made out with him.
It has to do with the impression you left on him. Sure, you could have thought he was great, but how much space did you give him to think that you were great?
Now you ask: What does that mean… giving him space to think I’m great?
What I mean is… did you give him a chance to reach for you?
As a general rule, the more you pursue someone, the more you become invested in them. The more you let them pursue you, the more that they become invested in you.
In situations where one person likes the other (and I’ve seen this apply with men and women), one person will have the thought, “Oh my god, this guy/girl is great. I like this one – I’m going to work to get him/her.” And as a result, they do all the pursuing to try to “lock it in”.
The result is that the other person gets an ego-boost, but does not have any investment in the other person.
In a nutshell, although it seems counter-intuitive, the best way to lock in a guy is to give him opportunities to pursue you. I am not saying throw yourself at him… I’m saying give him enough challenge to make him have to put on his A-game, but make sure he also can feel that he definitely has a shot with you.
How can a woman do this? Well, I would say think about the situation differently and the right actions, behaviors and attitude will follow. Specifically, I think that men and women (at least in America) seem to have a complex about different issues. In this case, the fear is that he won’t call. When I see a woman who is afraid that a guy won’t call her back, the following situation usually happens: 1) woman is afraid of the guy not calling her, 2) woman (because of her fear) does a lot of things to ensure that the guy will call back, 3) as a result of “doing things to make sure he calls back”, she comes across as needy and coming on to strong, 4) guy gets weirded out and doesn’t call because he gets a bad vibe from the woman.
At the heart of it, I would say DUMP your fear of the guy not calling you and live entirely in the moment as if it were your last day on Earth. OK, that sounds a little silly, but seriously… Make the moment itself a great moment by just enjoying it for what it is in the moment – stop worrying about the future… it will drive you crazy and craziness leads to crazy actions.
On another note, I hate to say something cliché like this, but guys do like the chase… that is, in the end, we like the girls that we have to work for. But the deeper insight on it has nothing to do with judging a woman as loose or slutty. It has to do with giving a guy time to invest in liking you.
With me, this has happened very quickly for some girls and for others it took time. It’s a personality/chemistry thing… But at the root of the matter, the girls that engaged me in all sorts of ways… the ones I had to pursue… those were the women that always meant the most to me in the long run.
How did they engage me? They were challenging. They asked questions that made me think. They looked deeper into me and saw things beyond the superficial. They put me on the spot. I am not saying they were unpleasant or disagreeable, but they weren’t sugarcoated or completely agreeable either – they were open and nice, but they weren’t trying to impress me. They would become engaged in the interaction only as far as I was – all in all, they did not make it easy for me.
Easy is boring… easy is what notches on a bedpost are for. There is no fulfillment to it. Fulfillment comes from bringing my best to the table because the woman will settle for nothing less.
Now, if the girl had tried specifically to make it hard for me (playing hard to get), I would not have been into that. I would have not pursued her. There’s a difference between playing hard to get and not making things easy. Rather than just spell it out, I invite you to contemplate that difference for a moment – that is where your answer is.
Granted, I am talking about the first stages of knowing someone – I don’t condone manipulation to try to achieve this effect and this is just an initial phase anyway. Once he’s pursuing you beyond the first contact, don’t turn a potentially good relationship into an ongoing game of him chasing you… it does not end well, trust me. :)
Anyway, that’s the best answer I can give you based on the information I got from your question: go for getting him to invest in you by giving him opportunities to pursue you.
Hope it helps!