How do we stop obsessively thinking of someone?
This topic is near and dear to my heart because, as a lot of you know, I was once a major obsesser. I have this personality type that always needs to know and understand everything. It serves me well in my career, I mean I analyze and explain human behavior for a living, but it did not serve me well in dating and actually drove me crazy and drove all the men away.
But I’m going to tell you how to break the obsessive loop cycle. We are going to look at what’s really happening psychologically and how it’s actually screwing up your relationships, and most importantly, how to get it under control for good!
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Before the lessons, I want to share a personal story that I know a lot of you will identify with.
The object of my obsession in this story was named Sebastian and this one hit me like a ton of bricks. We met at Coachella, and how I even got to Coachella was just a crazy story in the power of manifestation on its own!
Long story short: I wanted to go desparately, it was totally sold out, and I ended up getting to go for free, as in ticket paid for, flight paid for, hotel paid for. I was part of a team of bloggers recruited by Amex to help them create a cool card to appeal to millenials and they were going and decided to take me along.
Back to Sebastian. He was hot. And my type to a T. He was also there with the Amex group and we had our own station in the VIP section full of cool people, but he was the only one that mattered.
Now he seemed minorly intrigued by me, enough to give me some hope, but not interested in an obvious way (and what do I always tell you ladies? When a guy likes you, it’s obvious).
We would hang out here and there and go to some shows together. At one point I ran into him and he seemed really happy to see me and apparently had been tyring to get ahold of me but there wasn’t any service and I held onto instances like that as proof that maybe he is feeling me as well.
On the last day of the festival at the final show we exchanged numbers and said our goodbyes and just as I was walking away he said, “Wait. Can I get a kiss before you go?”
Outwardly was cool as a cucumber and said “Yeah, sure.” But inwardly I was freaking out. So he does like me?!?!?
I went home feeling ecstatic and hopeful for what was yet to come. I flew back to New York the next morning and you can guess what happened next … cue the obsession.
Oh man did I obsess. I replayed every moment of my time with him and that kiss at the end. And I checked my phone compulsively, willing a text message from him to appear. I somehow used the power of my mind to get an all expense paid trip to the hottest festival around and I was determined to channel that strength into getting him to fall in love with me as well, or at the very least text me to hang out!
But the days went on and nothing. A friend of mine was having a party and I thought a good way to establish contact would be to invite him- that’s not like asking him out, it’s just me shooting something his way and seeing what comes back.
So I text him saying: Hey, my friend is throwing a Garden party, you should come!
I was out for Happy Hour with my friends and I just couldn’t be present to anything that was going on because I was compulsively checking my phone to see if he answered. He didn’t.
The garden party came and went, and in pictures of me from that day I’m smiling and I look like I’m having a blast but inside I was gutted.
A few days later, I decided to friend him on Facebook. I thought maybe he just didn’t see my text… maybe he just needs to be reminded I exist… so I sent him a friend request and again, nothing.
At this point in time I was apartment hunting and one day the broker called and asked if I could meet him downtown to check out some listings. So I get on the subway and while I’m riding the train I’m thinking about how confused/sad/frustrated I am about this whole situation. Then the subway doors open, I lift my head, and he is standing right there. Right in front of me!
I notice him first and say, “Sebastian, hi!”
He looks up, his face in total shock, and says “Hi gorgeous!!” and grabs me to give me a big hug. And I said something to the effect of, “Wow this is so random!” And he was like “Yeah, so crazy!” Then he got in the subway as it was about the leave, the doors almost closed on him, he tripped over someone while walking in and was just staring at me through the glass doors as the train bolted away.
This was fate right? It had to be!! What are the odds? Seriously. To this day I can’t believe that happened.
So I met up with the broker and I was just so giddy from what happened, I couldn’t contain myself from excitement.
And I was literally bursting at the seams- I couldn’t wait, I had to text him. So I texted saying, “Wow I can’t believe I ran into you like that, what are the odds?”
And he answered! So it turned out his phone did work. He said something like “Yeah, that was so crazy.” Then I asked him if he was going to this concert that was coming up that Amex was sponsoring. And he just didn’t reply. And I never saw him or heard from him ever again.
And cue the obsession.
Endless obsession. I even tried to re-create that run in. Anytime I took that subway to that area, I would look for him. Anytime I was in the neighborhood where I knew his office was I looked for him.
I stalked his twitter, I tried to stalk his facebook but it was pretty restricted and he never accepted my friend request. It wasn’t so much stalking as it was digging for information in a quest to understand what the hell went wrong. Maybe he has a wife and kids tucked away somewhere, that would explain this confusing behavior!
And I obsessed about this endlessly. I don’t even know how long it went on for, all I can tell you is it was too long. And it gave me a chip on my shoulder in a major way. It made it hard for me to ever trust any guy, I was alwasy worried they would ghost for no reason at all.
In time I realized that Sebastian was a lesson I needed to learn and here I am, all these years later, teaching the lessons to you.
It’s about stopping the obsession. The obsession is crippling. The obsession gets you nowhere.
But why? Why do we do it and how do we stop?
A few reasons.
1. It’s what he represents
When you obsess over a person, it’s usually because of what they represent to you.
Yes, I wanted to be with Sebastian, but even more than that, I wanted to be him. He was so cool, so confident, so sure of himself, so at ease in any situation. And I was in a chaotic time in my life. I was very young, I was in flux, I didn’t really have a stable career, I was kind of just floating by aimlessly. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted to do, or who I wanted to be.
He may also represent validation. Sebastian is the kind of guy who could have any girl, and I knew that, it. It was so obvious just being with him for 5 minutes. And because of that, he represented something to me. I felt that if I could get him to want me, then it means I’m worthy, then it means I’m someone, then I’ve made it. Building a sense of worth on your own is hard work. It’s much easier to say “If I can get this guy to like me, then I’ll be worthy.”
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2. It’s a distraction
It is so much easier to lose yourself in someone else than it is to get yourself together.
We do this all the time and not just with relationships. How many times have you said or thought to yourself, Everything will be great as soon as I lose X amount of weight, or have X amount of money saved up, as soon as I move, as soon as I have a new job, etc.
But really, something is off internally, and rather than fixing it, you blame some external force for it.
For me- I wasn’t thinking about my life, what I wanted to do, or any of it. All I was thinking was, “Why doesn’t he want me?”
That it. That’s what consumed my mind for who knows how long!
At the heart of it, he was my escape. He was a runaway train.
3. You’re chasing a fantasy
It is very easy to diefy someone for the simple reason that they just don’t want you. You fall into the trap of thinking this makes them rare and valuable and one of a kind and want them even more.
When you obsess over someone, you are usually chasing a dream, not a person. So wake up to what’s a dream and what’s the person.
The tricky thing about all this is a lot of women want to dream themselves into enraptured excitement so they tend not to want to wake up from a dream until they’ve been hurt by the same pattern over and over and over again.
You’re chasing what it would be like to have this person. You think it will make you feel a certain way about yourself, that it will make your life into something different, something better.
I think knowing where the obsession is coming from is half the battle, so recognize where it’s coming from.
And here are some other tips.
1. Re-direct the focus to you
OK, so you’re thinking (or obsessing) about how much you like him and how great he is. Stop and ask yourself, what qualities does he have that I think are so great?
He’s confident, he’s cool- OK, so now how can you be those things. You don’t need to be with him in order to be that. How can you get there on your own?
When you ask yourself, “Why doesn’t he like me?” Redirect to- Do I like me? Do I think I’m likable?
Stop and really listen for the answer. And then start to unpack why you feel this way about yourself and how you can fix it.
2. Get back to reality
You have to learn to recognize when you are hyping someone up and turning them into some sort of a diety.
See it for what it is. Learn to recognize when you’re chasing a fantasy.
The best part of this is that when you’re not caught up in dreamland, you’re actually in the relationship. The guy actually feels you’re there, he can actually feel connected to you and you can feel connected to him (the real him, not some dream), and that is the foundation for a healthy relationship.
3. Fill the void
The obsession grows in vacant space- we feel we are lacking something, that’s why we obsess. Try to fill it with other things, things that actually make you feel good and fulfilled.
I forgot all about Sebastian when my life started to move in a more meaningful direction- when I was getting in touch with my essence and my purpose. When I started writing and really pushed myself to turn my little blog into a full-time career.
Inevitably thoughts of him might creep back in and when they do, just pluck them out like weeds. Tell yourself, “I will not engage with these obsessive thoughts today.”
This will take work and a lot of re-routing but it will quickly become second nature and soon enough he will be nothing but a memory and a lesson learned.
I hope this article inspired you to stop obsessing for good so you can have the love you want. But it takes more than that to have a lasting relationship. At some point, a guy will ask himself: Is this the woman I want to commit myself to? The answer will determine everything. Do you know how a man decides a woman is “girlfriend material” as opposed to “fling material”? Do you know what inspires a man to want to commit? If not, you need to read this article next: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman
Here is another issue almost every woman will face: He starts to withdraw and seems to be losing interest. He doesn’t text back, he is less attentive, and something is just off. He seems like he’s pulling away and you might lose him completely— do you know what to do about it? If not, read this right now If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...