Why Am I Still Obsessed with Him? How to Stop Obsessing Over a Guy post image

Why Am I Still Obsessed with Him? How to Stop Obsessing Over a Guy


How do we stop obsessively thinking of someone?

This topic is near and dear to my heart because, as a lot of you know, I was once a major obsesser. I have this personality type that always needs to know and understand everything. It serves me well in my career, I mean I analyze and explain human behavior for a living, but it did  not serve me well in dating and actually drove me crazy and drove all the men away.

MORE: How to Stop Stressing When it Comes to Dating & Relationships 

But I’m going to tell you how to break the obsessive loop cycle. We are going to look at what’s really happening psychologically and how it’s actually screwing up your relationships, and most importantly, how to get it under control for good!

Before the lessons, I want to share a personal story that I know a lot of you will identify with.

The object of my obsession in this story was named Sebastian and this one hit me like a ton of bricks. We met at Coachella, and how I even got to Coachella was just a crazy story in the power of manifestation on its own!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZLqZVQZFG4

Long story short: I wanted to go desparately, it was totally sold out, and I ended up getting to go for free, as in ticket paid for, flight paid for, hotel paid for. I was part of a team of bloggers recruited by Amex to help them create a cool card to appeal to millenials and they were going and decided to take me along.

Back to Sebastian. He was hot. And my type to a T. He was also there with the Amex group and we had our own station in the VIP section full of cool people, but he was the only one that mattered.

Now he seemed minorly intrigued by me, enough to give me some hope, but not interested in an obvious way (and what do I always tell you ladies? When a guy likes you, it’s obvious). 

We would hang out here and there and go to some shows together. At one point I ran into him and he seemed really happy to see me and apparently had been tyring to get ahold of me but there wasn’t any service and I held onto instances like that as proof that maybe he is feeling me as well.

On the last day of the festival at the final show we exchanged numbers and said our goodbyes and just as I was walking away he said, “Wait. Can I get a kiss before you go?”

Outwardly was cool as a cucumber and said “Yeah, sure.” But inwardly I was freaking out. So he does like me?!?!?

I went home feeling ecstatic and hopeful for what was yet to come. I flew back to New York the next morning and you can guess what happened next … cue the obsession.

MORE: 5 Ways to Ruin a Budding Relationship

Oh man did I obsess. I replayed every moment of my time with him and that kiss at the end. And I checked my phone compulsively, willing a text message from him to appear.  I somehow used the power of my mind to get an all expense paid trip to the hottest festival around and I was determined to channel that strength into getting him to fall in love with me as well, or at the very least text me to hang out!

But the days went on and nothing. A friend of mine was having a party and I thought a good way to establish contact would be to invite him- that’s not like asking him out, it’s just me shooting something his way and seeing what comes back.

So I text him saying: Hey, my friend is throwing a Garden party, you should come!

I was out for Happy Hour with my friends and I just couldn’t be present to anything that was going on because I was compulsively checking my phone to see if he answered. He didn’t.

The garden party came and went, and in pictures of me from that day I’m smiling and I look like I’m having a blast but inside I was gutted.

A few days later, I decided to friend him on Facebook. I thought maybe he just didn’t see my text… maybe he just needs to be reminded I exist… so I sent him a friend request and again, nothing.

MORE: 5 Biggest Misconceptions About Love

At this point in time I was apartment hunting and one day the broker called and asked if I could meet him downtown to check out some listings. So I get on the subway and while I’m riding the train I’m thinking about how confused/sad/frustrated I am about this whole situation.  Then the subway doors open, I lift my head, and he is standing right there. Right in front of me!

I notice him first and say, “Sebastian, hi!”

He looks up, his face in total shock, and says “Hi gorgeous!!” and grabs me to give me a big hug. And I said something to the effect of, “Wow this is so random!” And he was like “Yeah, so crazy!” Then he got in the subway as it was about the leave, the doors almost closed on him, he tripped over someone while walking in and was just staring at me through the glass doors as the train bolted away.

This was fate right? It had to be!! What are the odds? Seriously. To this day I can’t believe that happened.

So I met up with the broker and I was just so giddy from what happened, I couldn’t contain myself from excitement.

And I was literally bursting at the seams- I couldn’t wait, I had to text him. So I texted saying, “Wow I can’t believe I ran into you like that, what are the odds?”

And he answered! So it turned out his phone did work. He said something like “Yeah, that was so crazy.” Then I asked him if he was going to this concert that was coming up that Amex was sponsoring. And he just didn’t reply. And I never saw him or heard from him ever again.

And cue the obsession.

Endless obsession. I even tried to re-create that run in. Anytime I took that subway to that area, I would look for him. Anytime I was in the neighborhood where I knew his office was I looked for him.

I stalked his twitter, I tried to stalk his facebook but it was pretty restricted and he never accepted my friend request. It wasn’t so much stalking as it was digging for information in a quest to understand what the hell went wrong. Maybe he has a wife and kids tucked away somewhere, that would explain this confusing behavior!

And I obsessed about this endlessly. I don’t even know how long it went on for, all I can tell you is it was too long. And it gave me a chip on my shoulder in a major way. It made it hard for me to ever trust any guy, I was alwasy worried they would ghost for no reason at all.

In time I realized that Sebastian was a lesson I needed to learn and here I am, all these years later, teaching the lessons to you.

It’s about stopping the obsession. The obsession is crippling. The obsession gets you nowhere.

But why? Why do we do it and how do we stop?

A few reasons.

1. It’s what he represents

When you obsess over a person, it’s usually because of what they represent to you.

Yes, I wanted to be with Sebastian, but even more than that, I wanted to be him. He was so cool, so confident, so sure of himself, so at ease in any situation. And I was in a chaotic time in my life. I was very young, I was in flux, I didn’t really have a stable career, I was kind of just floating by aimlessly. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted to do, or who I wanted to be.

He may also represent validation. Sebastian is the kind of guy who could have any girl, and I knew that, it. It  was so obvious just being with him for 5 minutes. And because of that, he represented something to me. I felt that if I could get him to want me, then it means I’m worthy, then it means I’m someone, then I’ve made it. Building a sense of worth on your own is hard work. It’s much easier to say “If I can get this guy to like me, then I’ll be worthy.”

MORE: How to Find Love

2. It’s a distraction

It is so much easier to lose yourself in someone else than it is to get yourself together.

We do this all the time and not just with relationships. How many times have you said or thought to yourself, Everything will be great as soon as I lose X amount of weight, or have X amount of money saved up, as soon as I move, as soon as I have a new job, etc.

But really, something is off internally, and rather than fixing it, you blame some external force for it.

For me- I wasn’t thinking about my life, what I wanted to do, or any of it. All I was thinking was, “Why doesn’t he want me?”

That it. That’s what consumed my mind for who knows how long!

At the heart of it, he was my escape. He was a runaway train.

MORE: 4 Rules to Get the Relationship You Want

3. You’re chasing a fantasy

It is very easy to diefy someone for the simple reason that they just don’t want you. You fall into the trap of thinking this makes them rare and valuable and one of a kind and want them even more.

When you obsess over someone, you are usually chasing a dream, not a person. So wake up to what’s a dream and what’s the person.

The tricky thing about all this is a lot of women want to dream themselves into enraptured excitement so they tend not to want to wake up from a dream until they’ve been hurt by the same pattern over and over and over again.

You’re chasing what it would be like to have this person. You think it will make you feel a certain way about yourself, that it will make your life into something different, something better.

I think knowing where the obsession is coming from is half the battle, so recognize where it’s coming from.

And here are some other tips.

MORE: 5 Signs He’ll Never Commit

1. Re-direct the focus to you

OK, so you’re thinking (or obsessing) about how much you like him and how great he is. Stop and ask yourself, what qualities does he have that I think are so great?

He’s confident, he’s cool- OK, so now how can you be those things. You don’t need to be with him in order to be that. How can you get there on your own?

When you ask yourself, “Why doesn’t he like me?” Redirect to- Do I like me? Do I think I’m likable?

Stop and really listen for the answer. And then start to unpack why you feel this way about yourself and how you can fix it.

MORE: 11 Ways to Find True Happiness

2. Get back to reality

You have to learn to recognize when you are hyping someone up and turning them into some sort of a diety.

See it for what it is. Learn to recognize when you’re chasing a fantasy.

The best part of this is that when you’re not caught up in dreamland, you’re actually in the relationship. The guy actually feels you’re there, he can actually feel connected to you and you can feel connected to him (the real him, not some dream), and that is the foundation for a healthy relationship.

3. Fill the void

The obsession grows in vacant space- we feel we are lacking something, that’s why we obsess. Try to fill it with other things, things that actually make you feel good and fulfilled.

I forgot all about Sebastian when my life started to move in a more meaningful direction- when I was getting in touch with my essence and my purpose. When I started writing and really pushed myself to turn my little blog into a full-time career.

Inevitably thoughts of him might creep back in and when they do, just pluck them out like weeds. Tell yourself, “I will not engage with these obsessive thoughts today.”

MORE: How to Achieve Your Goals

This will take work and a lot of re-routing but it will quickly become second nature and soon enough he will be nothing but a memory and a lesson learned.

I hope this article inspired you to stop obsessing for good so you can have the love you want. But it takes more than that to have a lasting relationship. At some point, a guy will ask himself: Is this the woman I want to commit myself to? The answer will determine everything. Do you know how a man decides a woman is “girlfriend material” as opposed to “fling material”? Do you know what inspires a man to want to commit? If not, you need to read this article next: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman

Here is another issue almost every woman will face: He starts to withdraw and seems to be losing interest. He doesn’t text back, he is less attentive, and something is just off. He seems like he’s pulling away and you might lose him completely— do you know what to do about it? If not, read this right now If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...

Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

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Sea turtle

Hi. So I have been watching your YouTube videos since 2019 and it has really helped me. However, I would love to put this here if you could help me. You might have even read my comments on your YouTube page. So I have liked this one guy since 2018, we are in the same class in college. I confessed my feelings in 2019, he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. We became good friends. I however realised that I was falling ever harder for him. In 2020, he mostly ghosted me and came back anytime he wanted. I wasn’t pleased with this and I called him out on this but he never changed. He would tell me he’s busy but he updates his stories even though he’s busy. I know I should have moved on but it seems my case is so pathetic. In 2021, we had an hangout with couples of people, he kissed a girl right in front of me. I was devastated and went to cry at home, we carried on being friends and I didn’t question him about it. In August, he invited me to his house where we shared our first kiss ever. It was everything I ever wanted. I was so happy but i realized he never brought the issue up. He invited me again to his house in Oct, where we shared another kiss. I then summoned the courage to ask him what’s up but to my surprise, he told me the same old story from 2019. However he said he likes me and he told me to wait for him as he has some factors he wants to figure out. I put this issue on your YouTube channel and two ladies responded and told me not to wait. I decided to weigh the pros and cons and I decided to tell him I was going to leave. It broke me when he told me “very well”. (Like after everything we shared, the kiss, the pictures and the memories we made, you would just allow me leave that way? ). I didn’t tell him what I wrote in the bracket but instead I said all right. Truth be told, I’d not have taken the decision to leave but there was nothing to hang onto rather than words. He never put efforts or even tried for a minute to ask me “what should I do to make you wait, I really want to be with you”. That statement alone is enough to make me wait for him because I really like him. But he never did. I told him we should cut communication and I deleted his number. It has been hell, I won’t lie. I cry almost everyday and it’s been 61 days since we last spoke. He never contacted me since then. Now, my fear is resumption is near and I’d see him the more. How do i face him? I’m only trying to heal. It’s painful seeing him at the same time. Then people say, move on, but then I wonder what it truly takes to really move on. Like right now, nothing is right to me. Will I ever get over this and I wonder why it’s so hard for him love me. Please help me

Reply January 12, 2022, 8:48 am

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