So you want to get your ex back. You’re not alone. This is one of the most common questions I receive. And I get it, I was once in your exact same shoes.
First, make sure he’s worthy. Really take the time to think about this, meditate about it, talk to your friends and your support system. Some exes are just not worth revisiting. Love isn’t enough, and simply missing him isn’t enough.
Look at your past relationship and be honest with yourself about whether he’s a person worth even trying to get back. Was he good to you? Did he treat you well? Do the good times far outweigh the bad? Were you fundamentally compatible? Did you make each other better? I really don’t want you following my advice to get back with someone who isn’t good for you. So get really clear on things before you act.
With that said, here are the most common mistakes women make when trying to get an ex back.
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1. Trying To Win Him Over
Life is not a rom-com. It’s not going to work to make these grand, over-the-top gestures to win someone back. If anything, it’s going to annoy him and make you look crazy and unhinged.
The breakup probably felt sudden to you, like a rash decision he just made one day. The truth is, he was probably thinking about it for a while. So, you’re not going to fix it by putting a band-aid on it with some sappy love note or baking him something sweet.
It’s going to take time and giving him space. I know it sounds counter-intuitive because you feel this pull towards him. But you pushing towards him is just going to push him further away. He’s just going to feel more justified in his decision to break things off with you.
You also can’t argue your way out of a breakup. Even if you have the perfect counterpoint for all the reasons he has for breaking up. I promise, it won’t be enough, and he most likely isn’t even giving you the actual reason. Also, do you really want to have to work that hard to get someone to want to be with you? Wouldn’t you rather have him just want to be with you, without having to present a whole PowerPoint presentation?
2. You Desperately Try To Get His Attention
Responding to his social media, posting your own, or putting out sappy quotes or things about how all men are trash is an absolute no-go. You might think you can do it subtly but he will be able to tell what you’re up to and see it for what it is.
It’s going to come off desperate, and you know what I say about that. The stink of desperation poisons everything. You don’t want to be known as the desperate girl. People who aren’t even aware of or involved in your relationship will be able to see the desperation coming off your posts. It’s not a good look and it won’t do anything to increase his feelings of attraction for you.
3. You’re Mad And Unleash It On Him
When has reacting negatively and lashing out at someone ever resulted in a good outcome? Yelling at him and getting everything out might feel good in the moment, but it’s not going to make him change his mind.
It’s not like he’s going to say, “Oh wow. You’re so right. You’re the girl of my dreams. I made such a huge mistake. The breakup is cancelled. Let’s get back together.” Nope. That’s not how it works.
It’s OK to be mad, but save the yelling and crying for your girlfriends. Don’t direct it at him. It just won’t make you look good. You’ll look unhinged and I don’t want to feed into the crazy woman trope, but that’s what it will look like.
Also, it puts you in a state of being emotionally reactive. When you’re in that reactive state, it leads you to say things that you’ll regret instead of choosing your reactions. That’s not to say your emotions aren’t valid or you don’t have a right to be angry but there’s a time and place to express that if absolutely necessary.
4. Spending The No Contact Period Obsessing Over Him
I get SO many questions asking “does no contact really work?” and my answer is YES! It does, but only if you use it right!
If you spend it obsessing over him, stalking him, thinking about him endlessly, and idealizing him, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and more heartbreak in the end. It’s not about marking off a calendar for the next 30 days with a hard deadline when you’re “allowed” to contact him again.
The no-contact period requires time and change. You have to spend this time focusing on yourself and emotionally detoxing. You need to do some inner work. If you don’t, then you’ll end up back in the same place all over again.
It’s a great time to take responsibility for your own happiness again because you were probably leaning heavily on your relationship to give that to you. This time is about you, not about him and what he’s up to.
5. Breaking No Contact If He Reaches Out
If he reaches out immediately, what I normally recommend is saying to him, “Look, I really need some time and some space. I would appreciate it if you didn’t contact me. I’ll reach out to you when I’m ready.” And leave it at that.
If he’s reaching out before you’re through the no-contact time, you can tell him you’re not ready to engage but do so politely and nicely. Unless he’s badgering you or refusing to leave you alone, there’s no reason to be mean or nasty to him. This is not about punishing him, it’s about taking the time for you.
When he reaches out before you’re ready, it’s tempting to throw everything to the wind and go running back to him but it’s a huge mistake. It makes it seem like you were just waiting around for him to call you and pick you again. It sets him up in total control of the situation before you’ve had time to work on yourself and get your emotions stabilized again.
It will wipe out any and all progress that you made, and you’ll have to start all over again. You have a much better chance at a good second try with him when you maintain your boundaries and use that time for yourself.
6. Trying To Make Him Jealous
Maybe you show up places that you think he’ll be, you’re bringing around another guy. Maybe you post pictures of yourself with another guy or guys on social media. Maybe you tell people things in the hopes that they’ll make it to him through gossip.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It’s all childish, petty, and it ultimately doesn’t work. What does work is simply moving forward with your life and focusing on being happy and being fulfilled.
I know it’s easier said than done, and it’s not as simple as just saying “be happy!” and it’s done. I have a lot of content that covers ways to move on and be happy in your own life. The focus should be on you and feeling good within yourself. That changes your energy and with good energy, you start attracting rather than chasing.
Right now, you probably feel like you’re chasing. You’re chasing him and you’re chasing a relationship with him. Instead, turn inward and focus on yourself, build yourself back up and then you will start attracting.
I hope this was helpful. Comment below with your thoughts and experiences. Make sure to check out my other articles about moving on past a breakup. I wish you all the best in your ex-back journey, and wish that you get him back if he’s the right guy for you. And if you believe he is, then this article will teach you exactly what to do to get him back, so read this next: Do You Want Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Use This to Get Him Back...