12 Biggest Relationship Mistakes Most Women Make post image

12 Biggest Relationship Mistakes Most Women Make

I’ve been writing about relationships for a while now and can’t help but notice common themes that emerge over and over again in the questions we receive from readers. No matter what stage of life, or what stage in the relationship. most of the issues women are having are rooted in the same mistakes.

To help you break away from the pack and get on the path toward a healthier, happier relationship, I’ve identified the 12 most common relationship mistakes most women make. If you can get a handle on the things on this list, I guarantee you’ll notice your relationship drastically change for the better.

Here you go:

1. Flipping out if he looks at or talks to another woman.

It’s a man’s nature to look, getting on his case shows you’re insecure, which is a huge turn-off. If you find yourself getting jealous whenever a woman is within his vicinity, you need to do an honest check in with yourself. At the root of it, there is either trust missing from the relationship or you need to build up your self-esteem.

MORE: On Loving Yourself and Being More Confident

2. Not respecting his personal space.

If he’s in a bad mood or doesn’t feel like talking, leave him alone and let it be. Most guys don’t like to talk about their issues the way women do. Instead, they prefer to pull back and work things out internally.

3. Not taking care of yourself or letting yourself go.

It really is a shame to see how many women think it’s okay to stop working out and shaving their legs as soon as they’re in a relationship. If anything, you should feel more motivated to make the effort once things are more settled to keep the attraction alive and sexual energy buzzing.

4. Not having your own life.

Don’t be one of those girls who forgets her friends and her interests as soon as she has a man, it never ends well and makes you look needy.

QUIZ: Are you Accidentally Destroying Your Relationship?

5. Being passive aggressive.

Men are much more straightforward than women, if you tell him nothing’s wrong and then pout and mope around waiting for him to press you further, you’ll just cause anger and resentment to build. Be honest and straightforward with him if you have an issue.

6. Nagging.

No guy is perfect, no man is capable of giving you every single thing you need. There will be times when you’re not happy with something he’s doing. If this happen, do not nag him over it. The best strategy is to tell him what it is you want (I love it when you do X) instead of harping on what you don’t want (Why don’t you ever do Y?)

7. Not appreciating him.

Again, stop looking at the things he isn’t doing and look at what he is doing, and then acknowledge and appreciate him for it! The more you show you appreciate him, the more he’ll try to please you.

8. Being bitter/whiny/grouchy.

We all have bad days, it’s understandable. However, it’s in your best interest to try and be happy and positive. No one wants to hang around with a Negative Nancy. In general, we’re drawn to people who are happy and radiate a positive energy. Wake up with a smile, express gratitude, see the good in your life and in your relationship. This will not only help you in your relationships, but it will make your life better overall.

MORE: The Most Important Relationship Advice You Will Ever Receive

9. Dumping your insecurities onto him.

It’s not his fault if you feel fat or your skin is breaking out or you found a tiny wrinkle by your mouth or if you’re scared he’ll leave you for someone shiny and new; these are your issues and hang ups so don’t turn them into relationship problems.

If he’s with you, it’s a given that he finds you attractive. Don’t talk him out of his attraction by highlighting all your flaws. Chances are he won’t even notice these things until you point them out, so why draw attention to them? Men are attracted to confident women so not only will you be making him aware of your flaws, you’ll be diminishing his overall attraction to you.

10.Trying to change him.

When you get into a relationship, you need to take that person for exactly who he is, not who you want him to be. He is who he is, take it or leave it. When it comes to minor things, like the fact that he wears running shoes with dress pants, be gentle and encouraging. Don’t criticize and make him feel stupid. Say something that makes him feel good and inspires him to make that change on his own, for instance, “You look really sexy in that outfit but it would be even sexier with those loafers instead.”

11. Not loving him in the way that makes him feel loved.

Everyone feels love differently. Most women feel loved when their man brings them a bouquet of flowers while this type of gesture would be meaningless to a guy. Guys have their own ways of feeling loved. It could be gifts, food, compliments, a cup of tea, or a massage at the end of a long day. Pay attention to how he responds to things to determine what makes him feel truly loved (it should be obvious) and try to do whatever it is as much as possible.

12. Going too fast.

When you’re dating someone, you have to ease into the relationship. If you get swept up in the initial infatuation stages and spend all your time with that person, you will probably overlook any red flags or deal breakers because you’re rational side will be overtaken by the emotional stimulation of it all. Ease your way into the relationship so you avoid losing yourself in it. You will also avoid ending up with someone who is completely wrong for you.

Got any relationship mistakes to add? Tell us about them in comments!


Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

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I never believed in love at first sight then I went to another country and sparks flew with this guy. I fell head over heels. We have kept in contact for 3 years now. We both love each other but he is much younger than me. We decided we are more than friends, with no definition on what “more” means. I keep telling myself we can be friends until one of us finds someone else, but it seems to just keep the wound open because I know we can’t have a future together. I don’t want to completely end it but I don’t know what to do.

Reply July 21, 2020, 12:28 pm


Hello… In my realtionship therr was no trut from him he was already enaged with anyone n he proed me and i came to know after 6 months that he lefr her n promosed me to stay with me after few months in her office one girl was there he wad giving imp to her n letting me stay far ingonring me hurfing me n all n making reasons and always he was lying to me then too i gave him the chance n again n agaun he break my yrust n say sorry n he always comment to the girl when i m beside him he always get very friendly to girls can u plz advise me what should i do

Reply July 2, 2019, 7:29 am


I appreciate the work you’ve put into this, with the intention of helping women out in their various relationships and so on. Sadly I can’t help but feel that if you can’t talk to your partner about your insecurities – is there even a proper relationship established? If you can’t talk to your partner, then there’s something that’s seriously wrong, no one is perfect and everybody has insecurities – if we share them we can fight them but to hide them away? It leads to depression and to every single young girl out there who read this, and who just became more insecure by reading this post I simply wish to say that to hide who you are – and that includes the not so pretty parts as well – won’t make anyone any happier. You’ll just live a lie and is that really worth it?

Reply June 13, 2019, 5:02 pm

Lean C

My boyfriend constantly checks other women out and at times does a 360 turn around. A quick look turns to a stare all night long. How am I not suppose to get even a bit insecure? This shows he has no respect for me or not really invested in our 15 month relationship

Reply February 16, 2019, 11:31 am


Well the author is clearly a man or a woman who has a dick down her throat while writing this. WOMEN ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE STANDARDS THAT THEIR PARTNERS SHOULD MEET. Or you can take the advice of this article and live a miserable life with a manchild who won’t do anything for himself, but ya know, at least you aren’t a nag….

Get some self respect or else the men in your life will walk all over you.

Reply December 13, 2018, 11:09 am


Most of these points were good, but the “try to be happy” point I have a bit of an issue with. I ended up with postpartum depression after the birth of mine and my partner’s son. I can help not acting happy, but do my best to look after my health.
My partner has anxiety disorder too, but it’s not something that has turned me away. It’s an illness and I support him though those issues. Likewise, I can’t be on a relationship with a guy who is turned off by me after a chemical imbalance due to the bisth of our baby.

Reply June 25, 2018, 4:59 am


I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend. Last time I saw him was I think a month or two ago. He barely sends me texts in the day. I usually just day hey he is in job finding group at school until eleven. I got a message from him last night. I. Couldn’t answer because I have a curfew at nine pm. Even though I’m eighteen. My phone is on my night stand all notifications are off except for my alarms for work. I’m sick so i texted in. My mother even said you are staying home text your boss. I was already doing that. He hasn’t texted me this morning yet. I have a feeling especially when I’m sick he will text me later in the day to see how I’m doing. Aside from the fact that he doesn’t text me much I don’t worry I have my chil care certificate course to work on. Of course I will answer his text after awhile that I got it because I can’t talk and do the course at the same time. I’m just happy that he knows I need to get this certificate. I work in daycare. His old job was amazing. Because he worked at a very expensive chocolate shop. Called banards calibre chocolate store. I still have some of the chocolate. He’s great and all I ask politely like you say in every email if we can hangout. Probably saw the text on the weekend no answer. I’m trying everything. The thing is we dated in jr high. Then we got told which schools we were going to be going to. Both schools were far away. We couldn’t keep it anymore. Then surprisingly he is in the same university to look for jobs as well. We were like first day. How are you here I got accepted. And you? Same here I got accepted as well. It was overwhelming that day as well because of all our binders and courses. It’s been a crazy ride. For me. I’m just reflecting on the past where when we were just friends in the first year of jr high and all the years that we were in jr high. The struggles the. Etc. I love your last email all the quotes.

Reply May 17, 2018, 10:26 am


How does doing drugs and getting into complex situations come into the “taking him as he is” and “not nagging”?

Reply December 29, 2016, 10:28 am


“Nagging”. I just ended a deeply close, loving relationship in which we agreed, I did not nag, and he was thankful. The reason is that there were important life issues that were not being addressed. For example, my love slept all day and we lived together. It got in the way of us getting it together, or even me alone. I didn’t want to nag him. Perhaps we need another word for the thing that couples do, when they assert something important, that is not called nagging. Because if they don’t do it, it will cost the whole relationship.

Reply December 7, 2016, 1:22 pm


I been in many relationships that haven’t work i always end up hurt not just a guy they cheat on me sometimes its probably cause im clingy and have too much of a heart full of loyalty and just because one doesnt reply to another doesnt mean they are cheating they maybe working but when you have so much love for someone now i notice fistance relationships can be good but they can also break you easily i cant gaurentee when someone loves me sometimes i think i feel they do but they dont i have no luck but im tryna not lose hope i know i love someone… not gonna detail much that happened he didnt intentionally want to make me feel hurt i dont call it hurt he has a very important priority in his life thats a blessing and its something he cant let go or leave behind,he did it for the best whats best for us but i told him i can wait i dont mind he didnt want me to but i dont see why i should give up now i explained to my friends what happened and how confused i am at this so sudden im not so sure how to react i just burst into tears several times crying myself to sleep i just wanna be loved for me for who i am no matter distances apart or if one has a family i just want to be treated right i hope i find it one day but i doubt it i feel helplesd i give up but that guy i dont want him to feel guilty for me being upset im just a emotional wreck everyone cries it happens

Reply November 29, 2016, 8:29 am


I met a guy through Bumble, and went on a date. I had no expectations for it, and it turned out pretty well. He was a gentleman, and nicer than men I typically dated. Anyways- he knew he’d be leaving town the next week and was sure to arrange a date for the following evening, which again was great. Since then, he’s been in constant communication, and has taken me on another date (3 in 5 weeks). However, while he’s mentioned past relationships, he’s never said he likes me. And in the past 2 weeks, would constantly say, “we needed to make plans” for the upcoming week. He stressed how busy he was at work but never followed with a, “it kills me that I can’t see you.” He went back to Boston for Thanksgiving, and often mentioned getting together before he left, but again, didn’t come through. As he will be gone for 2 weeks, I pretty much assumed his interest had waned. However, he continues to text me, ask me how I am/ what I’ve been up to/ send me pictures of snow in Boston, etc. I have been seeing other people casually but am interested in investing further with this man. However, I am not interested in having a pen pal. Today he texted me again chit-chatting about when he would be returning home and I decided to cut to the chase (delicately) and said it would be great to see him when he returned though I am unclear whether he is interested in doing so. He hasn’t answered. I shouldn’t be stressing over this guy who clearly wasn’t into it, but did I make a mistake by pushing the issue? Or is it better than continuing on an emotional rollercoaster?

Reply November 25, 2016, 2:43 pm


Sabrina, you make an excellent point.

Reply October 5, 2016, 1:17 am


Good post

Reply August 15, 2016, 6:46 am

Jax Jam

Without doubt one of the most ridiculous articles that I’ve read about men and women!

Author – you should hang you’re head in shame, as you’re leading both males and females down a dodgy path.

Reply August 5, 2016, 6:06 pm

David E

Seriously, this isn’t one of the best articles I have ever read. It shows a real insight into a lot of men (not all, as we’re all diffeeent), but a woman reading this and taking all on board should feel secure that they have done all they can to make their relationship work. If it fails and they have learned from these points then they can hold their head high that it wasn’t his fault and not theirs.

Well done Sabrina!

Reply March 7, 2018, 1:05 pm

David E

Jeez, sorry for the typos (typing on a phone on the train).

This is a great article! Simple.

Reply March 7, 2018, 1:07 pm


The answer to this is leave him now. He’s using you. Why would you stay with someone that cares nothing for you and just uses you? He knows he can cheat on you and get away with it so hes’ never going to stop. If my boyfriend did that I’d be gone in a NY minute. There are plenty of great men out there. You need to find love for yourself first. Once you do that you will never allow a man to treat you like this and you will attract a man that will treat you with respect and love. Please walk away now. Be strong and love yourself and once that happens you will find the right man. Good luck.

Reply April 14, 2016, 10:13 am


I am in a relationship for 6yrs now, but uptil now my boyfriend is very proud of cheating on me openly. He have serious date in the same village with me. He has other women outside our community too. He told me to visit him only when he invited me. If we got to the village he will hid me and never let his parent see me, but other women will visit him and prepared some food for him. He never give me any gift all he does is complaining everyday telling me he didnt have money and I dont bother to ask him anything. Even when he visited me in your house he never give me money nor buy anything for me to cook. If i visit him I will care for the transport, He hardly call me on phone except i call. But the one that annoyed me mostly, is where i visit him last time on my way to school, I saw female clothed on his hanger and asked him who own’s the cloths, He replied that it was one mad girl that let her clothes there and he has been calling her to come and pick her clothes but she refused. I saw again women hair weavon brush, lipstick and some other things. I shocked i didnt say a word to him till left to school. I need advice please, somebody should help me.

Reply February 9, 2016, 3:56 am


I’m going to repeat what I told Tonia below:

The answer to this is leave him now. He’s using you. Why would you stay with someone that cares nothing for you and just uses you? He knows he can cheat on you and get away with it so he’s never going to stop. If my boyfriend did that I’d be gone in a NY minute. There are plenty of great men out there. You need to find love for yourself first. Once you do that you will never allow a man to treat you like this and you will attract a man that will treat you with respect and love. Please walk away now. Be strong and love yourself and once that happens you will find the right man. Good luck.

Reply April 14, 2016, 10:15 am


Looking at previous comments,I noticed there are some woman are complaining about how all these mistakes we’re suppose to avoid are just causing us to act like “doormats” or putting in “more work than we should.” But the fact of the matter is that these all the same things we want out of men. We don’t want a man who is overly-clinging, seems to have no life, who complains about our every fault, or who is overly-possessive. I mean, if I’m with the guy I like and I take a glance at a man who I think is attractive I don’t want him overreacting. And though I like it – in fact love it – when my guy texts me, if he is doing nothing but texting all the time everyday, I’m going to wonder if he has any priorities that make him worthwhile as a potential partner. The only thing on here that might – and I stress might – differ is that a woman may prefer the man to try and figure out what’s wrong with her when she’s upset. But even then, if you make it clear that you don’t want to be bothered with at the time, then he should leave you alone for the time being.

Reply December 23, 2015, 5:15 pm


This article should have been titled How to be the perfect door mat for your partner.

Reply May 25, 2015, 7:29 pm

Lean C

Ha ha yes 1950s

Reply February 16, 2019, 11:35 am


Another common mistake women make when dating is emasculating men. Men are hard-wired to be providers and when a woman rushes in and takes charge of a man’s finances by paying his bills when he hasn’t suggested otherwise, it makes him feel like he’s not good enough. Lowering a man’s self esteem is a big no no but a lot of women never even realize that is what they are doing when they start taking control of a man’s life and finances.

Reply May 12, 2015, 10:28 am

Jax Jam

And one of the biggest things that you/men forget is making women feel like absolute crap for assisting her man when she sit trying to support him him when he 1) doesn’t have a job and 2) when shehas to support him when wife No.1 goes mental and/or he doesn’t want to work.

Or a man feels threatened because his new wife/former wife work in q more piwerful or lucrative job than he works in.

But hey ho lets just blame the woman. Where are the mens responsibilities?!

Reply August 5, 2016, 6:12 pm


Thank you for the post. I just have one question thought that confuse me a little. Number 1. so I see myself a confident woman. I saw my date checking out some girls on our first date night when we were at a bar. I won’t talk too much about him or the date. I didn’t say anything to him about that attitude, and I don’t think he knew what I saw. Anyway, it did bother me just because it seemed disrespectful especially on a first date. So if you’re saying guys naturally look at women, and is it something women have to just put up with and that guys will never stop looking at women? I’m going to go on few more dates with him and watch him again. If I’m convinced that he’s a womanizer or looks at sexy women whenever they walk by there’s no doubt I will walk away from him no matter how much he puts effort, times, and money to see me. Are women supposed to let this kind of behavior go because it’s in men’s nature or do we talk about it firm but politely?

Reply March 2, 2015, 5:39 pm


He should be doing it discreetly, especially at the beginning of courtship. If he’s not, then it will grow into a bigger problem later on.

Reply March 24, 2015, 2:41 pm


I’m a man. All men look at other attractive women even if you notice it or not. Just let it go. Try to stop having feelings for a day if you can. It’s the same effort required for a man to stop looking at attractive women. So don’t focus on it. You can’t do anything about it.

Reply December 22, 2016, 5:08 pm


Hi Sabrina!
Thank you for enumerating these blunders we women are prone to make. But there’s still one question lingering. Are there any scientific explanation as to why women often want to fast track into relationship status almost right at the beginning? Call it infatuation, but it really is quite hard to resist the temptation to speed up things especially with the rousing emotions felt during a whirlwind kind of romance.

Reply February 4, 2015, 1:04 pm


i just have one question… if most women make these mistakes then how are there married women at all how did the last gereration secceed in finding a husband without the enternets help? maybe it’s the way they rais boys, the values of old are gone and now a new breed of man is here and instead of everyother animal in nature where the male courts the female and tries to win her over now us women have to read on how they operate in order to win them over.

Reply February 2, 2015, 8:42 am


GREAT ARTICLE! u always help me a lot

Reply November 27, 2014, 1:29 pm


I just got out of a horrible on-again/off-again relationship that lasted nearly 3 years… my ex was a jerk, he was constantly calling me names, he even told me that in order to be more appealing to men, that I needed to lose weight and dye my hair blonde. I am not even close to fat, I wear a siz 6-8 (yeah, wait, that’s a little bigger than usual). He used to make me cry so bad I actually believed I wasn’t worthy of any relationship- that I’m horrid. He used to tell me what married people did, he has never been married. I never made any of the relationship mistakes- well, maybe minor ones, but do I deserve to be treated like a piece of trash because I made some minor mistakes? Please do not ever allow yourself to be subject to what I did. You’ll start to believe the disrespect, the abuse and you’ll never get away. Emotional maniupulation and abuse are just as bad if not worse than physical. Luckily for me, I ended it before it got even worse. I STILL believe what he says. I met someone new but I am not going to get into a relationship any time soon. Letting my scars heal.

Reply November 17, 2014, 2:53 pm


Thank you so much for thsi article, Sabrina. Reading this made me scared because I realised that for the past few days, I made quite a few mistakes already. I’m letting my insecurities do the talking, and i have been whining and nagging and for a moment there I thought I was communicating my feelings and thoughts to him. He looked stressed up and told me not to be so insecure and also mentioned that it’s too early to try figure things out now (we’ve been dating for 3months now). But nonetheless, after saying that, he still gave me a big hug and kisses me. Does that mean he’s ready to put this behind us? Also, what should I do now to fix this? I really want this relationship to last so I dont wanna make things worst now.
Really hope I could get some advice on this.

Reply August 3, 2014, 7:17 pm


Some guys might find it cute that you get jealous it shows that you truly care about him but just don’t overdo it

Reply March 15, 2016, 3:53 am


What does it mean when a guy says he doesn’t want to date anyone but he says your cute? Is he letting me down easy or really just not wanting to date anyone?

Reply March 14, 2014, 3:42 pm


I have been dating this guy for over two months now……the first month was all merry and fun and he always wanted to see me. Of late whenever i ask him when next i was gonna see him, he always answers “you tell me” which is frustrating because i feel i am the only one making efforts to see him…..Is this normal or is it a sign that he is not interested in me?

Reply October 16, 2013, 9:51 am


I met a guy in my gym..he approached me n took my no. N till next 2 days v were chatting .then he told me we should meet n we went for a date which was nice.he told me he likes me n I said I m nt looking for relationship bt v had good conversation n then he dropped me back later he sent me message that he wanted to spend more time wd me ..he stay very near so I went to his house n he kissed me n he said v have great sexual chemistry..v met second day to n made love..I told him I m nt ready for casual sex n if he want this he should commit to me. He said he wl think abt it.then aft 2 days he sent me a message n told me he is nt ready for relationship bt he really really like me so it would be great if v meet more n get to know each other well n be friends.i said I can’t be ur friend as I don’t c u as my friend..v still made love which was always better then b4.n finally he said he is nt ready for relationships.i was devastated coz I thought d way things were going he wl Gv us a try coz he was d one who wants to date me n now when I m ready he doesn’t want to go into relationship..he had a relationship for 11 y.n girl dumped him so he doesn’t want to go into same thing.he doesn’t want to feel weak for anybody else…v had a heated conversation n left hings then n there.aft. 1 day I got drunk n went him message that I m missing him n want to be happy wd him n I don’t need any relationship n all coz I don’t want to lose him.in short I missed him so much that I got ready for open relationship..v went home v made love n he dropped me back..aft that for 3 days he was very rude to me ..he was only replying my messages bt nt initiating any conversation.n finally he told me he wants to take things ltl slow n chill a ltl.so I got very upset n didn’t message him whole day so he sent me message in d eve.that how I m doing..n he saw me working in d gym n how good body I have n it’s so n sparing n all..he asked me where I m n. said I m out wd friend.nect day I didn’t do any message bt v net in gym he only start conversation n I was very neutral.eve. Again he send me message that how good I was looking n d gym..I m very confused can somebody tell me y he is playing hot n cold..mind u he didn’t cl me to make love even once aft that I was read for open relationship bt apart from it he is good wd me n showing interest..is he thinking something..do i have any chance or its fading away..wl he ask me out again….plz help me

Reply September 5, 2013, 4:29 pm


His playing you..

Reply November 6, 2014, 12:31 pm


So true totally agree

Reply September 5, 2013, 4:14 pm


So, what do I do if the guy I just “recently” started dating does some of the more typical “female” mistakes: This guy (we will call him Michael), started out the relationship rushing everything. He acted like we were an instant couple, and instantly expected everything that goes with it. He texted me everyday, something sweet, and wanted to spend a lot of time with me. Right away he expected a physical relationship. When I told him I wasn’t ready yet, he seemed hurt and kept trying to talk me into it (unsuccessively). I felt he was going way too fast and that he was a bit clingy. He is great to be with though; that is when things go his way. In fact, Michael is warm and affectionate and so fun! He has a great personality and makes me laugh. So this went on for a few weeks. Then, he dropped out of the picture completely for about 1 1/2 mos, with no explanation, – only to then show up at my door – heart in his hands. I relunctantly started seeing again and only after seeing him again for a few DAYS, that he is passive-aggressive, BIG TIME. The other day, I had to tell him something he did not particularly like, but i wanted to be honest with him. I was delighted at his mature response and respected him so much when he told me how much he appreciated my honesty, and how glad he is that we talked. I expressed that I was concerned about his feelings, but he assured me he was fine. The next day, however, out of the blue, he sent me a sarcastic, accusatory and hurtful text about the subject. It was quite weird to me, (especially after he had popped back into my life again only a few DAYS before), and honestly, I find that kind of interaction quite disrespectful. While in that mode, too, he then sent me a sarcastic text alluding that it was my fault that he has discomfort /pain at our not being physical. He doesn’t really HEAR that I am just not ready yet and seems to just want to make me feel bad. I am not into that (either dishing it out or receiving it). But is it ever OK for someone to treat someone else like that just because they are angry?

Reply August 7, 2013, 12:14 am


i really love your advice, it has made me understand a lot of stuff i was doing wrong in relationships and which i am working on. but i have a question.
i have been going out with this guy for about one year and 4 months though we have had our fights and issues in between.
the problem is that nowadays he acts weird. he rarely comes to my place and when he does its just to have dinner and leave. when i initiate sex talk he sometimes looks for excuses. we used to do sex almost regularly and he used to initiate.lately i do the initiating and we don’t do it often.
is he seeing someone or am just having my own inclinations.
should i suggest we take a break or what do i do.

Reply June 27, 2013, 5:26 am


I was wondering if I could get a response. I do my best to follow all the advice i get. I am going on a 4 year relationship, my second anniversary coming up. I listen to him, I leave him be, I encourage him and compliment him, I tell him daily I appreciate him, I clean and cook for him, I do muy own thing, I dont nag as much as I used to and I try not to talk his ear off. I give him sex whenever he wants it, there isn’t anything sexually I wouldnt try at least once. I play video games…. I follow everything I can to make him happy…. but he lies to me, and it hurts when I catch him with the proof, and he continues to try and lie to me. He doesn’t show me affection unless its sexual, he makes everything and everyone more important than me. He even admitted hes mean to me because he is comfortable with me. and now every time he gets mad at me, he says he resents me. It really hurts and I have no idea what I am doing wrong. I want to be the perfect wife. I dont let my insecurity get the best of me, i check out women with him. I tell him i understand, that it is human nature. but he gets so sh*tty sometimes…. and I wonder what changed. he used to be amazing to me

Reply May 28, 2013, 11:29 pm


He’s mean to you because he’s comfortable with you? That’s an awful excuse. But really, why would you accept such poor treatment? Maybe reframing his behavior might help. Do you really think he was this wonderful person early on and then magically changed (and can, therefore, magically change back)? Or do you think this (mean version) is who he was all along but people can only hide their true colors for so long. I know it’s hard when you’re married/invested in a relationship, but nothing’s going to change unless you take action.

Reply May 29, 2013, 9:10 am

Sabrina Alexis

It does sound to me like you’re working hard to prove you’re the “perfect wife”…. and that is exactly the problem in this situation! It’s a beautiful thing to be kind and giving to your partner, but ONLY if he deserves it and gives you equally considerate treatment. If you reward a guy for bad behavior you’ll create a monster!

It’s not that he’s necessarily a bad guy, the problem is people in general will take things as far as they can. If this guy can go on being self-involved and inconsiderate and you’ll still be there, cooking for him and having sex whenever he gets the urge, he has no motivation to make an effort to be more considerate.

I don’t know how ingrained these patterns are, but you have to change the dynamic of your relationship if there’s any hope of making it last. First, STOP going above and beyond for him. Reward him only when he does something nice for you. This isn’t about playing tit for tat, it’s about showing him you respect yourself and will not tolerate being treated so poorly.

Reply May 29, 2013, 9:56 am


This is helpful, but guys are always saying if you treat them amazing, they will treat you amazing, even on this site, I have been following this kind of advice since before anewmode. I love my husband. He can be a good guy, when its good for him. Everytime I do attempt to leave, or whatever he does the “i’ll change” crap. I know its stupid that i obviously stay everytime, but i said “for better or for worse, till death do us part” and i meant it. I just wish I knew what i was fully up against, so i could handle it better. Whats worse is he acts more feminine then I do. He says stuff he later says he doesnt mean, he wants me to take hints and read between the lines, in i dont compliment him daily his feelings get hurt, he confuses me and theres always something deeper he means than what he is actually telling me. I take him at his word (word for word, i even repeat what he said to me back to him) and he gets mad cause I dont fully get it or something. I just need advice, i dont plan to give up anytime soon. Hes not physical when hes angry so i know i can handle this. Im just trying to find a way to show it to him. but maybe I should stop treating him so well? if so, what should i stop doing and what should i still do? Just because he is mean doesnt mean I should just stop being his wife…. should I continue to clean but stop making dinner? or what… i have no idea? stop complimenting him?

Reply May 29, 2013, 7:38 pm


With all due respect, you’re an idiot

January 5, 2014, 5:40 pm


Fristly – English is not my native language, so sorry if I make some grammar mistakes. I was reading your post with frighten. I was in very similar situation for couple of years and the only thing that comes to my mind is: get out from this abusing relationship. It is not normal to be treated like you are treated. I know changes are scary, but are you really happy with this man (be honest with yourself, not with me)? Do you think that healthy, normal, loving relationship should looks like your do? Is he giving you such support which is similar to what you give to him? Are you happy in this relationship? You wrote that you are making everything to make HIM happy, but does he doing the same for you? (And please don’t use the excuse “he has his good moments” or sth similar). Please take care of yourself, maybe talk with somebody neutral, be good to yourself in the first place. If he truly loves you and want the relationship be good he will make an effort to do so – if not you will be still miserable and wondering what are you doing wrong (and believe me, you don’t do anything wrong besides being too available to him and making excuses for his every bad behavior).

February 3, 2016, 3:17 am


What a lot of guys don’t realize is a relationship actually means something. A relationship is compromise on BOTH ends. Women put their eggs in one basket because they listen to what a guy is saying. If a girl says, I want to be exclusive and a guy says yes that means, we look at you as a potential partner. If you are not interested in dating her or being with her in a committed way, just say it. Women will respect a guy a lot more if he says I can offer X and not, the wishy washy bs that will keep you around so he can sleep with you. Guys won’t have to deal with ‘drama’, have a pair and be polite. You (guys) can also say why they are not interested to a girl in a simple, non-blaming way. But instead, in many occasions, a guy will disappear and think that a girl will get the hint. When a girl asks a guy what is his deal, guys say ‘wow, drama’ … well, yes, bc a guy contributes to it. (ps. love this blog)

Reply May 3, 2013, 4:40 pm


Umm #1 is a fine line isn’t it? I mean yes, if all he is doing is looking, or casually talking to other females and you flip that is your issue BUT in a previous post it was accurately noted that a lot of MEN suffer from low self esteem and have some dysfunctional need to flirt with endless women, and act highly inappropriate in doing so. Some even go so far as to have a need to ‘show off’ and even go to great lengths to make themselves look valued because of the numbers of women that flirt with them. Then they say it means nothing personal to you, and yes that is right – what they are doing is their dysfunction, BUT it is highly disrespectful to any decent self respecting woman. How that type of man perceives a woman’s response is the grey area isn’t it.

Reply April 12, 2013, 2:06 pm


Agreed. There is flipping out because he didn’t call you for 20 minutes and you think that he is cheating vs. you saw him flirting with other women in front of you, which is inappropriate, if the two of you are dating. What sucks is guys try to justify their ‘friendliness’ as a way self-express. Women have needs, eyes and wants too, how would a guy feel if a girl he thinks he is in a relationship with will say ‘honey, i just like to flirt with men’ accept it, it’s who i am. My answers is if you see a pattern: next should be your thought.

Reply May 3, 2013, 4:33 pm


Great post! These are all SO true.

Reply April 9, 2013, 4:39 pm

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