How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back Forever: Everything You Need to Know post image

How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back Forever: Everything You Need to Know

One of the most common questions I get asked is some variation of “How can I get my ex-boyfriend back?” In all honesty, I’m very hesitant with this kind of thing because it usually ends in disaster. Well, maybe not disaster, but definitely another round of heartbreak, often much greater than the first.

The reason is because people usually get back together for the wrong reasons and without addressing the real underlying issues, so it’s not so surprising that history repeats itself. I’ve seen ex-back scenarios unfold in a variety of ways—some that end in utter, massive heartbreak, others that end with a trip down the aisle. I’ve even seen couples get remarried after many years being divorced who are now happier than ever!

It is definitely possible to get your ex back and make the relationship last, but it doesn’t just happen because you want it to. There are important things to consider and a bit of work to be done. Missing each other isn’t enough. Loving each other isn’t enough. Relationships take more than that to survive.

This is a pretty fun topic for me personally because I’m married to my high school ex-boyfriend, and my college ex-boyfriend is my business partner, so I guess you could say I’m a real ex-back success story!

But usually the rule is: if it didn’t work, it won’t work…unless something significant changes. To increase your chances for success, you need to arm yourself with the right information.

So let’s break it all down: What will it take to get your ex back, and how can you make it last forever this time around?

Important Questions to Ask


Before you embark on your mission to get him back, it’s essential to consider a few things first.

1. Why do you want him back?

Do you really want him, or do you miss being in a relationship? Are you looking for validation (especially if he broke up with you), or a sense of feeling ‘good enough?’ Is he really the right man for you, the one who understands you and appreciates you and just gets you, or are you afraid of being alone, afraid of not being able to find better, afraid of putting yourself back out there on the dating market? Before you do anything, try to uncover the real reasons you want him back in your life.

2. What are the real reasons you broke up?

Every breakup has a surface reason and a real reason. The surface reason might be that he couldn’t commit, but the underlying reason might be that there were too many deeply-rooted incompatibilities and two people who just weren’t equipped to meet in the middle. Maybe he cheated and that’s why it ended, but beneath that there is more to the story. There is more that led up to what he did.

If you want to get back together with your ex, you need to understand the real reasons why you broke up and objectively assess if these are things you can deal with and resolve. Some problems simply can’t be solved and in those cases you need to honestly decide if it’s something you can live with or not.

Take the Quiz: Can I Get My Ex Back or Is He Gone Forever? 

3. Will you be able to fix what broke the first time?

Breakups don’t usually come out of nowhere, they’re usually the result of a buildup of many things. And make-ups usually happen for one reason: you miss each other. But that’s not enough. You need to look at whether things can be repaired, and if so, how you will go about doing it.

For example, if you felt you couldn’t trust him throughout your relationship and were always worried he was up to something behind your back, you need to ask yourself why this was, and why you think it will be different this time around.

Were you insecure, or was he not a trustworthy person? If the issue is your insecurity, then that’s good because it’s fixable (with some inner work on your part), but if he’s not a trustworthy person, well … that’s a much bigger problem because you can’t really have a relationship without trust.


4. How did you feel in the relationship?

Obviously things probably went south toward the end, but how did you feel the rest of the time? (The beginning doesn’t count. Beginnings are always easy and idealized; they’re the filtered version of real relationships!)

Did you feel at ease, like you could be yourself? Or did you feel constantly stressed and anxious, always on edge? Did you feel judged, like you had to live up to some sort of expectation? Or did you feel seen and accepted? Did you feel like this relationship helped you grow as a person, or did it bring out the worst in you?

The reason you want him back right now might be because not having him in your life feels worse than when he was in your life, but maybe both of these are bad options! Being alone might feel bad, but being with the wrong person is worse. Even though getting back with him might temporarily make you feel better, you will only be worse off in the long run.

You need to take a good hard look at your relationship and determine if being in it is truly in your best interest.

In a good, healthy relationship, you’ll be accepted for who you are. You won’t feel the need to act a certain way or play a certain part for fear that your real self isn’t good enough.

If you feel that this is what you’ll have to resort to in order to get your ex back, then you might want to reconsider whether he’s the right guy for you.

MORE: Ask a Guy- How Can I Get My Ex Boyfriend Back? 

Before You Even Think about Getting Back Together with Him …


Make sure you love yourself … like really love yourself. Do a self-esteem check-in and ask yourself these questions: Do you feel good about yourself? Do you feel good about your life? Are you happy overall?

Yes, I know you’re miserable now because you’re going through a breakup, but in general is your life how you want it to be? Do you have good friends, hobbies, passions, a sense of purpose and meaning? Do you realize that you are valuable and significant and worthy of having an amazing relationship? Really think about that last one. The answer might hurt, it may even make you cry, but you need to feel it, you need to get in touch with your true self and you need to nurture that part of you.

What draws us into bad relationships and keeps us stuck in them for far too long is low self-esteem. We don’t believe we can do better and reason that something is better than nothing so we have nothing to lose. The subconscious is always looking for validation. If you don’t believe you’re good enough, you will continue to date men who make you feel unworthy and you’ll stay because deep down you think this is what you deserve. It isn’t. Until you realize this and work through whatever needs to be worked through, you won’t be able to have a healthy, happy relationship with anyone, be it your ex or some other guy.

A really good technique to use to get to know yourself and figure out how you feel is to journal. I know a lot of people roll their eyes and groan at the idea, but it can take you to really enlightening places. Who cares if it’s an incoherent jumbled mess; no one is reading it but you. Sometimes we don’t even know what we need but then we put pen to paper and something pops out and we’re like, “Whoa, I didn’t even know that’s what I needed, but that sounds amazing!” Just give it a try.

To Get Him Back, Get over Him


If you really want to get him back, your focus first needs to be on getting over him. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it’s important for several reasons.

First, it will give you the space to determine if this truly is the right guy for you. You might miss him and your heart might hurt intensely, but that doesn’t mean he’s the right man for you. There are likely a variety of reasons why you’re having trouble getting over your ex. It is only when you actively try to move on that you can clearly see if there is something worth salvaging. (Read this article to learn exactly how to get over a breakup.)

Next, if you’re focusing on getting him back then you’re not focusing on the most important thing in your life: yourself! Instead, your mind stays stuck exclusively on him and how amazing he is and how much you want him back. You need to spend this time focusing on you, focusing on becoming your best self, focusing on having fun and loving your life and being selfish and doing things that make you happy.

Maybe it feels impossible, but remember, you have full control over your mind and you can will yourself to stop engaging in thoughts that you don’t want to think about, namely thoughts of him.

There are many stages of breakup grief, and you have to allow yourself to cycle through them. Feel sad, get angry, take all your physical mementos and lock them up in a box and hide them away somewhere, get him out of your mind and out of your physical space. And try to have fun! You’re single now, and there is so much fun to be had, so round up your girls and hit the town hard! And if you can, take a fun vacation, there is something incredibly rejuvenating about getting away.

MORE: The Real Reasons You Can’t Get Over Your Ex 

The No Contact Rule

I’m not such a fan of giving “rules,” but this is one you must abide by after a breakup. Look, I know it’s tempting to reach out. Maybe you need more closure or maybe you saw something funny that reminded you of him, but don’t. Let it be. Let him go through his process and you go through yours. If there is a chance for it to work and there is unfinished business, he’ll realize it as well. But only if he has the space to do so.

Here is what the post-breakup process will probably be like for him if there’s a chance: he’ll feels lonely … he’ll start to miss you … he’ll get nostalgic and reflect on all the good times and all the things he liked about you … he’ll start to have regrets … he’ll start to doubt his decision … he’ll start to wonder if he made a huge mistake by letting you go … he’ll no longer be able to fight the overwhelming urge to reach out and see how you’re doing … he’ll initiate contact.

You will break this cycle if you reach out first. And instead of regret, he’ll probably feel even more justified in his decision to end things. Men are inherently repelled by women who infringe upon their personal space, and if you keep reaching out after he ended it, that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.

He needs to feel your absence. The only way he will is if you are absent.

What if he contacts you first?

… (continued – Click to keep reading How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back Forever: Everything You Need to Know)

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This is a really helpful article! I was dating my ex for 8 months. I became needy, unreasonable and difficult to be with due to my insecurities and hormonal problems, which pushed him to breaking up with me. I’ve now realized my wrongdoings. Do you think that this article changes if I was the one that ruined things?

Reply August 22, 2016, 5:36 pm


How do i erase my comment off this page

Reply June 26, 2016, 1:26 am


I was dating this guy and he broke up with me. It all happened too fast and he fell for me way too quickly, he used to say things like he was in love with me and hoped that what we had would turn into something more. I’ve never met anyone like him and really wanted it to work. The problem is that I as was falling for him too, I came out too needy at times. But again, so did he: he would be a little jealous of some friends and ask if I met anyone when I would go out and stuff like that when we weren’t even in a relationship yet. He said I was “the one” for him and that could have scared me off. I acted needy when I asked if everything was okay when I felt him pulling away. And then one time he said he couldn’t be with me because he’s been too busy and that wouldn’t change so soon (and this is actually true, but he used to say that we would make it work), that he really liked me but had to let me go, that he felt like he was being stupid and shouldn’t do that but he knows what’s right… he knows I believe in destiny and so does he, and he ended it by saying “if it’s meant to be I know we’ll find a way back to each other.”, and honestly, that’s bs, right? If he wanted bad enough, he would be with me. I had this instant reaction by saying that I was in love with him, and didn’t want to break things off, that we couldn’t say that destiny was going to take care of it because this time it’s about a choice that he’s making. I know I sounded desperate, but I said my goodbye to him and intend to keep it and won’t say a thing anymore. But truth is… I really want him back. What should I do? I know that I need to try and move on but I wonder if there’s a slight chance that he would change his mind.

Reply June 19, 2016, 11:20 am


This was really good. I wish you had written this two years ago. I made all the mistakes you mentioned here, but your article brought me closure. Just knowing it’s beyond repair sort of makes me feel better now. I can move on. We just stopped talking for good, though we broke up long back. I had enough of him beating around the bush. What really spoke to me was that you married an ex you broke up with 11 years ago, that you both worked on yourself while you were apart. I no longer wish to get back with my ex, even though back then I thought he was the one. But at least from your story I can tell if it’s mean to be, it just falls in place. I no longer feel hurt I had been carrying for the last two years.
Thank you so much.
Much love.

Reply June 13, 2016, 6:45 am


My situation is similar but weird at the same time. We had a really good relationship and we’re together for about a year but he has two children and their mother has caused so many issues since we have been together. Long story short, he’s in a lot of debt (monthly child support included), works all the time, and feels like he’s made so many mistakes and isn’t where he wants to be in life. So he basically told me that being in a relationship isn’t what he supposed to do right now and he needs time to himself to get his life back on track. So we haven’t spoken (no contact initiated by either one of us) since Mother’s Day. My instinct is telling me that he’s being truthful and just let him go completely and things will work out but it’s just a sad ordeal all together.

Reply June 4, 2016, 10:43 am


What rubbish! In this article it says your ex-boyfriend needs space to realise he made a mistake and then he will contact you and he’ll be feeling lonely and blah, blah, blah. It’s giving girls the impression that they need to wait around if guys break up with them and giving them false hope that a guy will contact them. Depending on how long you were seeing the guy. Girls please don’t wait around for your ex to call you back in the hope that he feels lonely like this article suggests. Go out, have fun, meet new people. If the guy calls you back then great. Maybe you can work out the issues, but don’t go putting all your hopes up that he will.

I haven’t seen or heard from my ex in almost 2 months. Reality check. No he’s probably not lonely. He’s had more than enough time to realise he made a mistake so if he wanted to talk to me he would have by now. If he hasn’t realised it by now he never will and I’m not waiting around for something that may or may not happen. That’s just what I think anyway.

Reply June 4, 2016, 10:33 am

Sabrina Alexis

I’m pretty sure I did not say to wait around for him to come back, I said, many times, to move on. I said if there is a chance for things to work out it will only happen if both of you have had time away. My advice is to just move on no matter what because if he comes back, great. And if not, at least you’ve started to move on. Waiting around is what keeps you stuck in the same place and I definitely do NOT advocate that.And good fro you not waiting around, you’re doing the best thing for yourself and I hope you continue to have that strength.

Reply June 5, 2016, 1:35 pm


I have had a 12-year relationship with a good friend. He travels for work and we usually see each other 4-6 times/year. Recently, he got assigned to my area long term and we were looking forward to spending more quality time together. The one thing that has helped to solidify our 12 year relationship is the fact that I don’t freak out if I don’t hear from him for long periods of time. We each see other people, but it has been a spoken truth between us that we prefer each other over others. Also recently, I experienced an unfortunate health crisis (lump/breast/biopsy), and I was very anxious about it. The biopsy results were benign which was great, but the anxiety didn’t go away, it worsened. I was up and down and all over the place, emotionally and I didn’t know why. For about a week, I behaved like a desperate, needy crazed woman. I sent him some terrible texts, demanding his time and attention–not like me at all. He backed away and totally cut off communications with me. My last message to him was …”I don’t know what’s wrong with me & I am getting help.” That’s exactly what I did and that’s when I found out I was having an adrenaline/pituitary crisis that had caused my blood glucose level to dip down to a dangerous level, my thyroid hormones were low, and these conditions had likely created a chemical imbalance in my brain that kept me from being able to control my anxiety/emotions. It’s been 2 weeks since I started treatment to get myself back to normal levels, and about 2 weeks since I wrote him an email trying to explain what happened to me. I haven’t heard a word back from him. Silence is impossible to interpret. Do you think I should send him a follow up email and let him know I am back to normal, or do you think he is gone for good.

Reply June 3, 2016, 11:15 am


I started dating my friend if 2 years who had recently separated from his wife. I never knew his wife.. They have had many issues.. We started off great he said he was looking toward the future with us.. It’s only been 2 months and I noticed a month in that he started to to withdraw..and not texting or calling as much.. I began to ask what was going on .. Initiating more calls.. We had a couple discussions of how he was making me feel.. He said he understood where j was coming from and will try to be more sensitive .. he does have a lot of stuff going
on. I noticed he was withdrawing more and last night he sent me a text that he wants to break up .. We had a good relationship as friends but us getting closer is ruining that.. He wants go back to us being friends… We did talk and he said it’s not me .. He doesn’t feel mentally or memotionally prepared to be in a relationship with anyone.. But it’s killing me and I don’t believe that it wasn’t me… If he liked me still he would want to be with me.. He said he really wants to go back to friends and see what happens in the future.. I think he’s just telling me this appease me .. I don’t know what to do .. I’m having a hard time with this .. I feel like I may have pushed too hard and he just wants away from me

Reply June 3, 2016, 10:57 am


My ex bf broke up with me almost 5 months ago, after a year and month long relationship, it was after an argument,but it was really because of my insecurities and trust issues. The day after the breakup was my bday, and he took me out to my favorite restaurant, after that he said he just wants to be fiends, and he said he can see us getting back together. Week later I asked him how long, I kept asking him how he felt and he finally told me that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship period and how he cares about me but doesn’t have romantic feelings for me. In March we had a spring break cruise trip previously arranged with mutual friends, and we got a bit close, but he assured it was just a moment thing. After the cruise, we were basically friends with benefits. He still hasn’t talked about a relationship, and says he isn’t seeing anybody, but my feelings for him are still pretty strong. The most I gone No Contact was 10 days, it’s hard because we’re really close, and he became a good friend. But I want more than a friendship, is it too late to start No contact after almost 5 months of being friends? And is it possible he will feel the same he once did?

Reply June 2, 2016, 7:43 pm


I just find it really interesting that you’ve put that you’re married to your ex (not sure if you had shared this before) but it puts a completely different spin on all your articles about “knowing that he was the one” and your insecurities with him based on the relationships and interactions that occurred after your first relationship with your ex boyfriend (now husband).

I am currently involved with an ex boyfriend of mine, it was about 16 years between relationships, but we have always remained good friends. We both know why the first relationship did not work and are committed to the current one. We’ve been together for about a year now, and I’m still getting to know the man that is he is now compared with my happy go lucky friend from back then.

Completely agree that ALL these questions are important to ask yourself before getting back with an ex.

Reply June 2, 2016, 5:09 pm


Thank you sabrina.

Reply June 2, 2016, 12:29 pm


What a GREAT article! You are so incredibly right! Me and my ex-boyfriend were together for almost 7 years and then broke up because we weren’t making each other happy anymore. We have survived so many things together though: I have been anorexic for a long period of time, which he helped me pull through; we had a long distance-relationship for almost 2 years because I was loving in China, which we survived, I had a sport-addiction after my anorexia, which we also pulled througj together (don’t get me wrong, it was everything but pretty – it was a very rocky road) and we survived a history of cheating, where he cheated on me when I was living in China because he couldn’t deal with an anorexic-living-on-the-other-side-of-the-globe girlfriend anymore (which I kind of get). Anyways, we’ve been through so much but we never stopped loving eachother and we’ve had an incredibly passionate relationship, probably because it was such a rocky road. We had an incredible physical and emotional connection but once real life started (9 to 5 job, looking for a house, starting to take life seriously) we fell apart. We both realised we were stuck in a life we didn’t want. He needed freedom which I had trouble giving him because of the fear that I would lose him again (cheating). I felt that he was unhappy and whenever he would go out and party, I was afraid that history would repeat itself and he would leave me. The more I stressed out about this, the more freedom he would demand, up to the point that we would end up in huge fights, screaming and crying. I feel like I’ve gone through an amazing growth, so I’m grateful that it happened but I do miss him. It’s been 6 months now since we broke up and I still feel like he’s me soulmate. I have taken the initiative multiple times to cut contact and he always ends up being the one contacting me to tell me how much he thinks about me and misses me, how he feels like he’s just working towards us getting back together, dreaming about marrying one day and having a baby girl but still he doesn’t want to get back together now because he doesn’t want to rush things and fall back in to something without being 100% sure this time that it is what he really wants, a 100% sure that it will work this time around. Which I get, because we broke up exactly because we both needed to figure out what we want from life independently, without having one clouding the judgement of the other. It’s hard because I’m so afraid I will lose him in the process but I guess that I just need to have faith in the saying that “if it is meant to be, it’ll happen”. Up until that time, I need to let go and focus on myself. Which is why I’m going to write down the questioms you mention in the article and read them to myself every day, to figure out what I really want. Do I want to get back together with someone who has that big a need of being free (going out a much as he wants, going on holidays by himself, …). Can I fully trust him again? And then there is then issue of his family, who he is really close to, who (I think) think I’m not good for him – anorexia/ long-distance/ rocky relationship. Do I want to have to deal with that again? This article is the first one that really made me think. Not in terms of “how do I get him back” but in terms of “what do I need and want”. Thank you so SO much! You’re an inspiration 🙂

Reply June 1, 2016, 11:06 pm


Great article! This guy I have been talking to online and I were in a long distant relationship. We met up every 2-3 months over the past year and talked every day. Recently communication started slowing down and I was getting insecure, we had a huge argument because I accused him of using an online dating site. He was upset I didn’t believe him and we exchanged harsh words via text but he refused to talk about it over the phone. After we ended it in the heat of the argument, he would message me about what travel insurance we used so I could get reimbursed for the trip we were about to go on to see eachother. I would answer calmly… Then the next day he would message about the other trip he booked for my birthday asking which site he used (I’m assuming so he could cancel). I then broke down and said please do not message anymore unless you want to work on us because it hurts me to think we won’t see eachother ever again. I tried initiating the no contact rule… But I broke down and said I still miss you handsome then asked him a question about something else random not the relationship. He ignored both and I asked why he was ignoring me and he said because he was busy at work. Which makes sense! Then recently we spoke when I was at a girls weekend and he said “Do you miss me?” I took this as he was trying to string me along and made a sassy response back…then I was upset and started going off on hurt I was… He ignored all those texts and the next day I started a different convo not about our relationship which he didn’t ignore then I ended it with how I love him and I do miss him and I’m sorry he said “Give me time and I might forgive you”. So I left it at that… But I am confused does that mean he just wants me to move on? He isn’t cutting off communication and usually when he ignores me is when I keep talking about us and ending and the argument.

Reply June 1, 2016, 4:44 pm

Sabrina Alexis

I think it doesn’t matter what it means… YOU need to move on. Trust me, I know better than anyone how much it hurts and how brutal it is, but he doesn’t want to be in this relationship right now and you can’t go it alone… it takes two to tango! It doesn’t matter if he misses you or how he feels because right now he’s not with you, so whatever he feels is irrelevant. Try to just focus on you. Like I said, if it didn’t work, it won’t work unless something significant changes. Right now if you got back together things would just go back to how they were and you don’t want that because how they were ended in a break up! Focus on yourself for now, focus on moving on. If he’s the one for you, he’ll be back. If not, then at least you’re moving on. Hope that helps!

Reply June 1, 2016, 7:21 pm

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