The Real Reason Men Cheat post image

The Real Reason Men Cheat

Being cheated on is one of the most painful, shattering experiences, one that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I unfortunately know first hand how brutal it is. You feel betrayed, your trust is destroyed, your self-esteem is ravaged, and you can’t stop questioning what you did wrong and what signs you must have missed.

The one thing I wish I had realized a decade ago, when the guy I considered to be the love of my life cheated on me, is that it really had nothing to do with me, it was the result of his own internal issues. And that’s how it usually goes. The reason I was so confused back then is I didn’t have an understanding of the male psyche, and I didn’t know the internal psychological factors that cause men to cheat.

I am not saying there is an excuse why he did it, but there is a reason. And knowing the reason can be therapeutic in a way. So here is the real reason why men cheat:

Men don’t cheat because they’re scumbags or scoundrels. It’s not because they can’t control themselves and oftentimes is not because they no longer desire you. Men usually are tempted to cheat when they no longer feel like winners in their relationship. This isn’t true of all men, but it is for most. I’m not talking about narcissists or sociopaths or guys with major commitment issues.

A man’s most fundamental drive in this world is to feel like a winner. He needs to feel like he is “conquering,” like he is significant, like he is having an impact on the world, like his is pursuing his mission in life. Women are typically more driven by the desire to connect and build interpersonal relationships.

When a woman cheats, it’s usually because her emotional needs are no longer being met—maybe she no longer feels seen or cared for or understood. When a man cheats, it is most often because he feels like a loser in the relationship. He feels like he is constantly disappointing his woman and nothing he does is good enough.

He may feel like she no longer desires him sexually, like she doesn’t appreciate him, like she’s disappointed in him, like she isn’t impressed by him. If these feelings converge with him meeting a woman who is turned on by him, who does value him, who does appreciate him, who makes him feel like a man well….

MORE: 5 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men 

I’m not saying cheating in this case is okay or acceptable. I’m not giving excuses; I’m just giving a reason. When my ex cheated on me I was devastated and thought he was the world’s biggest scumbag. I hated him and I hated her and I hated myself for getting involved with him and expending all that time and energy on him and the relationship. However, in looking back I can understand exactly why it happened.

You see, his life was in utter shambles when he and I started dating. He had just been dumped by a girl he loved, he was failing miserably at his job, he was in debt, and he was completely lost with no direction or purpose in life. Being young and naive and having no real understanding of what love is except for what I saw in the movies, I thought my love could heal him somehow. I thought if I loved him enough then he would snap out of his funk and be the man I knew he could be. But I did it all wrong. I didn’t encourage him to get his act together and instead, tried to take care of everything for him. I thought if I made his life as easy and manageable as possible he would love me even more and would suddenly find the motivation to get his life in order. I paid for our dates because he couldn’t afford to, I did his laundry (…because he couldn’t afford to), I cleaned his apartment, I fixed his resume, I searched for job listings online and applied to them for him, I kept doing and doing and was baffled as to why he kept sinking deeper into his rut.

After many months of things going from bad to worse, of our once passion-filled relationship drying up into an almost platonic, mother-son type of dynamic, he cheated on me and swiftly entered into a relationship with said mistress. If that wasn’t bad enough, within a few weeks of them dating he all of a sudden transformed into the man he could never be with me! He got a real job, he committed to her, he took her on romantic dates, he was happy and alive. I felt devastated and I beat myself up over it for months. What does she have that I don’t have? Where did I go wrong? Why wasn’t I good enough?

The answers didn’t come until several years later with both the wisdom that comes with experience and my somewhat hasty decision to reach out to him and ask the questions that had been haunting me. The short version of this very long conversation is that while he did love and care for me, being with me made him feel like an even bigger loser. The more I tried to “fix” him, the more damaged he felt. The more I did for him, the more useless he felt. The more I tried to make his life easier, the more comfortable he became with his own misery.

Cheating usually is the result of an easy opportunity and him feeling like a loser, either in life or in his relationship. In order to feel valuable and significant again, he may give in to temptation, it doesn’t matter how much he loves his partner. I know it may sound ridiculous to you, but this really is a testament to how vital a man’s need to feel like a winner is. Men will often sacrifice things that they truly hold dear simply to temporarily get rid of the feeling of being a loser.

Affairs usually start when a man feels misunderstood, like the areas of his life that are important to him are being criticized or deemed not important. Then he finds a woman appreciates him, who gives him something he isn’t getting from his primary relationship…and he strays. It’s not that he doesn’t love his partner, she just can no longer connect to him in the way he wants most and when that sort of pure appreciation comes from another source he can’t help but be drawn to it.

For example, let’s say a guy is a programmer. During the workday, he is on fire with passion and thrives off of meeting the daily challenges of his job. After killing it all day, he comes home feeling on top of the world and wants to share that energy with his girl. She quickly dismisses him and says, “You know I don’t understand all that technical stuff, it just makes no sense to me. Can we talk about something else?” Bam, he has officially shut down. He feels like she doesn’t accept the most important part of his life, the thing that makes him feel effective and worthwhile.

Since she doesn’t care about what he does, he seeks that type of understanding elsewhere. He may spend more time with people who are part of that world, or are passionate about the same kind of mission. Maybe a girl will come along who finds what he does sexy, and she appreciates him for the effort and passion he puts into it. When he’s with her, he gets all this validation and appreciation for the man he is and the mission he’s on. He feels good about himself around her, he feels seen, he feels desired….and these things combined have the potential to take him down a bad path.

MORE: Signs He Is Cheating on You

You don’t have to study code or take programming classes. It doesn’t even matter if you’re the most technologically challenged person on the planet. You don’t have to connect to the technical side at all, what you should try to connect with are the emotions he feels about it. It’s easy to recognize when a man is excited about something, when he’s driven to win and succeed.

You aren’t responsible for his entire emotional wellbeing, he also needs to live his life in a way where he feels good about himself and that doesn’t only come from you. You can’t change him or control him, all you can do is try to build a meaningful connection and support his aspirations in life (and he should do the same for you as well).

When a man is with a woman who taps into his vision and what he wants out of life, and tries to connect to these areas, he feels empowered and inspired and he won’t ever want to do anything to jeopardize the relationship.

In an article revealing the most common things men complain about in marriage counseling, psychotherapist and Neuman Method co-creator M. Gary Neuman revealed the biggest complaint he hears from men who have cheated usually isn’t a lackluster sex life, but rather feeling under-appreciated by their wives.

“The problem is, too many women think that if they are overly appreciative to their husbands, they’ll reduce their husband’s desire to please her. It’s quite the opposite. actually. Men are energized when they feel their wives are appreciating them,” he said.

I want to just add that I do not think it is ever okay to cheat. I think it is cruel and selfish and I am not excusing it in any way…I’m explaining it. More than anything I hope by understanding the reason you won’t blame yourself for his transgression and think it said something about you….which is the huge mistake I made.

I wrote about my experience of being cheated on, how I got over it, and how I realized it was actually the best thing to ever happen to me in a guest column for Elite Daily. Read it here.


– Sabrina Alexis

Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

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Reading some really wonderful concepts of reason here.
But I have a slightly different reasoning as to why people cheat, and I believe it is. Combination of a few very important, and “ lacking“ problems.
The first problem is understanding commitment.
Commitment is a commitment …no matter how one feels, at any time.
I’m tired of hearing all the hype about men and women and differences: it’s all bs and how we have historically become to accept such crap.
people who break thier commitments either simply do not understand what commitment IS, or they are so selfish they have no concept of another persons emotional pain over their own selfish sexual desires… so therefore, in short I will use a man for example, and I will make it real simple.
When a man cheats, he is clearly showing that he loves his penis i much more than you.
So the question I ask women who are with selfish incapable men is this:
Do you really live and honey a man who’s penis is more important than your feelings?
Secondly ;
as much as I personally love a man, I must refrain from giving to much.
I personally feel that I is built into a man to go after what he wants. And if he is not going after you, you are not what he really wants.
a lot of so called men are really just immature little boys who don’t really k ow what they REALLY Want because they have no concept of thier values. And until a “man” I knows this he will always be an institution boy with someone who is convenient.
Which sounds exactly like the experience you had.
He was simply an immature boy, in a convenient relationship with you, and when something better rolled around, something he probably didn’t even realize within himself that he wanted, he was gone.
And one again, because he is selfish, he probably gave little thought to your feelings., because an immature little boy can only think of his own feelings.
but see, for me no commitment pretty much means no commitment and I do not expect too much anymore from any so called man who does not commit. Dating is one things, but feeling I’ve learned all my lessons the hard way, sex outside of commitment is now permanently out of the question. Dating is a great way to take time and get to know someone, there are a lot of great sex toys on the market that wont give you an STD or break your heart.
I feel it we as women kept is simple and took back what is rightfully ours and stop being such sluts about everything we may indeed take back some respect and wouldn’t you know it, …get much more satisfying commitments out of our men.
there is another terrible problem I find to be a complete joke.
there are scores of couples, married or not who swear they are loyal to thier spouses/ etc……yet are sexually lusting, and sexually releasing while watching someone other than thier spouse /etc.well I have news.
They are in no way loyal at all, and it is more than a laughable joke that they think that they are.
Newsflash . …NOT EVEN CLOSE.
These people are ignorant to what that even means.
Please save the unconditional love bs for your children. We aren’t talking about unconditional parental love here, we are talking about mature Iove and yes it comes with conditions, and quite understandably.
All in all,
People cheat because they are selfish and devoid of what a love commitment even is.
And THIS is the problem.
Until this ignorance is addressed, it willl always
Remain the same.

Reply November 9, 2018, 1:25 pm

Cigar Tube

Men cheat because their old skanks are too busy shoving Prempro cream into every orafice they can still find!!! Brahahahahahahaha

Reply December 6, 2016, 6:43 pm

Married 16 yrs

You are only about half right. And yes as someone else stated”respect” is the other word you should use. The piece you have chosen to avoid is the sex part. When not only is the respect gone but when sex goes also then bang. I thought about cheating, but just left instead. Now i have no doubt she loved me, problem was her love for me was all about her.

Reply November 20, 2016, 11:01 am

Leslie Piper

I suppose your site doesn’t want my comment. Tuff.
It’s ALL opportunity. Men or women. I can refer to a known test: nice room at a pretty hotel, down town. Public job. Asked every woman for three years…’how about we spend the afternoon at a nice hotel making love?’

And I probably count as more of a feminist and lover of women than YOU do.
Just offer an opportunity, protection against EVER being exposed for it…presto. Nothing easier.
You’ll get tired of it, too, and probably get married too.

Reply November 19, 2016, 8:14 pm

Leslie Piper

Opportunity. That’s why men, and women, cheat. Haven’t you ever tested any of this stuff?
Get yourself a nice room at a downtown hotel. Suggest to every person you meet for six months that ‘why don’t we spend the afternoon making love’…
You’ll be overwhelmed. OPPORTUNITY. All the rest is B.S. and rationalization, and furthermore, I KNOW YOU KNOW IT.

But me no buts.

Reply November 19, 2016, 8:08 pm

Me You

I can’t wait for your next article about the reasons so many women cheat.

Reply September 7, 2016, 10:01 am


Men cheat because they get bored, because ‘the grass is always greener on he other side of the fence’. Cosmo actually has the right idea, which is to change things around once inawhile, that makes things seem different, and new, which increases interest

Reply September 9, 2016, 7:33 pm


I think it’s the effect of patriarchy to always put the blame on women and make her responsible for relationship. It is totally opposite of what nature intended. Evolutionary women are supposed to be attracted to winners not to babysit men and make them feel like winners when they’re not. It works both ways! And actually most women cheat because they don’t feel like they have a reason to respect and admire their men anymore. It’s not women’s responsibility to make men feel like a winner. It’s men’s responsibility to be a winner and make women admire him naturally. And a strong men will always sweep the woman of her feet.
It’s patriarchy that changed dynamic between sexes and women like you reinforce that. Patriarchy is all about establishing artificially position of men in relationship and society.
So why men cheat? For MANY reasons. Mostly because they can and because it’s exciting and something they are wired to do. Human beings are not biologicaly monogamous. They are socialised to be monogamous. There is some truth in what you write. A man who does not feel like a winner is more likely to cheat but that’s HIS responsibility. Ofcourse a woman in patriarchy will be told she needs to influence him, take responsibility, change herself just to keep him, just so he doesn’t cheat on her. It’s not natural tho. If we lived natural life she would simply leave him for a winner instead of blaming herself.
Ofcourse I understand that we live in the society within artificial construct. I also understand there is also emotional investment in relationship that is worth fighting for. I do agree that the way we act, our appreciation and trust in men does in turn encourage him to be more determined. It does work both ways.
Unfortunately your advice is written in the same tone as all other advice for women on men which put responsibility on women’s shoulder. Men need to fight for women, not the other way round. And it’s not women’s fault men don’t feel like winners. Women are just the mirror.

Reply August 15, 2016, 3:23 am


LILI & JANINE said it all ~~ perfectly. i have nothing constructive to add, except that i am so relieved to know that i’m not the only woman who GETS it!
THANK-YOU, janine bowen & lili!! you made me feel like $1million ~ x^D

Reply September 2, 2016, 9:40 pm

Kiki Bacon

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. RINSE AND REPEAT. I hope women everywhere read this comment and search for their winner.

Reply December 13, 2020, 11:15 am

Janine Bowen

You have done the right thing. You are helping him MORE by not taking him back ever again. It was nice of you to give him a chance, but he did not value it, and you must realize that you are being a really good person by not tolerating his behavior. Don’t answer if he calls or texts and delete any messages from him. Sounds as if he preys upon your kind heart. I like that you were at peace without him. Get to that point again and if and when you want to be in a relationship take what you learned from this one (not the baggage, just what you learned) into the next. I hope you find the love you deserve –

Reply July 27, 2016, 5:08 pm

Janine Bowen

Wow. Who knew? There I was believing in free will and ALL THE TIME the ONLY way to keep my mate from cheating was to make him think that he was a WINNER in our relationship. If I did not keep that up he was POWERLESS to make the decision to stop himself. Apparently the author feels that men cannot say to themselves “Hmm, I find that other woman really attractive but I did make a commitment/vow with my significant other/wife that I do not want to break, as I value my word,” or “I am tempted to cheat, so I need to either put more effort into my relationship to make it the way I want it or end it, instead of doing something sneaky, deceitful and non-constructive that will hurt my partner.” I feel so sorry for males everywhere now that I understand that you “just want to be winners”. Now that I got that out of my system – I fully agree that people of both sexes should respect, value, listen, be compassionate and empathetic, support and be there in a way that is needed by their partner. But there are MANY reasons people cheat and this arm-chair distillation into “He wants to be a winner” isn’t a REASON. It is an excuse. If you want multiple partners either marry or be with someone who is ok with it, or do not commit or make a vow. Once you are in a commitment, either end it by breaking up or divorce and THEN find another partner if you must, or honor your vow or commitment. Otherwise you are, by definition, a louse or a scumbag, or a loser, as you have broken your word, lied, deprived your partner of his/her right to choose whether or not to be with you based upon the truth. A good person keeps his/her word. If your husband or wife is not meeting your needs get a divorce, heal and then move on, don’t run around trying to find fulfillment by having new people rub your genitals. One more thing to the posters who feel that cheating is a result of not getting enough sex from their partner. This is an issue to discuss and resolve with your partner. You may have to compromise and either live with it, or, if you can’t, break up. But to justify going from not getting enough to “Oh – look! An available penis/vagina!” is ridiculous.

Reply July 27, 2016, 4:52 pm



Reply November 9, 2018, 2:05 pm

Kimmet S

What is “trust”? Well most define as the key to being in a healthy relationship. The key to make things all good. You “have” to fully put your trust in some one and “have” to trust everything about them %100 to be in love and to forever one. No being scared. No saying no. Say yes because you trust them right? They’d never hurt you. You’d never hurt them. Accidents can’t happen. Things can’t change. Not when you have “Trust” right? Trust is your best friend.

Okay I hope your seeing where I am going with this. Lots of people see trust as the key to a unforgettable loving relationship. Here’s the thing though. No one trusts anyone and it’s defiantly not the key. It’s a lie. Hang on a sec listen. Don’t get your butt floss stuck farther in. Read on. Thankyou.

We all like to say ” I trust you, I trust them(that makes me a good person right?) ” and the other person is like “they trust me, they said they did so they must, they better trust me or we are over, or we are not friends or were gonna have problems”.
Saying you don’t trust some one seems to make you look bad unless no one trusts that person as well. But if you said to a person who was “good natured” and liked by a lot of people. Not only would you hurt their feelings, yours would be most likely to be about to be to.

I’ve always hated when some one says “do you trust me?”. I used to reply “I don’t trust anyone”. I get a look of annoyance or a little speech about my “kind” words. Now I say ” I don’t know, will find out won’t we?”. This seems to click better. I usually get a laugh or roll of the eyes. Not because of what I said, mostly just on how I say it. I don’t wanna fight over something I find ridiculous so I make a serious joke then no one realizes I’m serious about.

Like I said before. No one trusts anyone. Well we can’t fully trust some one, nor put our full trust in them. We can only put a half ass trust into them. Even if they have proven themselves and not betray.

Example: say your a guy. You meet a young women or man like yourself. Whatever rows your boat.
You start your relationship as friends. You learn things about them you like. Then you learn they like you. Tadah! Now your in a relationship. You leans more. Then you move in and get married and have children. Now you feel like you know the well. If some one asked you “do you trust them?”, no doubt your answer would be ” Well of course, why wouldn’t I”. Bang you just lied or you had some high expectations. We should all know people react differently to different things.
So say your house was on fire. Your wife/husband always said I will rescue you and the kids if this ever happens and then it does. They told you they were gonna save you and your precious DNA. But instead they run out of the house screaming and then proceed to hind behind a bush. Thanks… then you save the day. Saving your children and maybe your dog. Then you ask “what the hell was that! You forgot about us!” . Was it thier fault? Did the lie? They basically told you that you could trust them right?
It’s not their fault. It wasn’t them that decided to run and scream. It was their instinct. Their body. Their other selves. Which no one controls.
Do you see where I’m getting at? Yes the partner could of rescued them like they said or do the opposite. Do you really expect you to save your kids or your dog? Do you except some one else to?

Everyone has these expectations which on they should really just ditch. Expecting is wasteful and it just doesn’t always happen. The thing you should be trying to have is hope. Hope your kids are saved. Hope your partner does not resort to cheating. Hope that you live long. Hope you get that dream job. Hope you’ll be happy. It’s all you can do. Stop expecting please because people are people with their own minds and own bodies. The do what they do even if makes no sense to you or them. People have choices and people have instinct.

People are not phones on which you can program and control. You can not set alarms on them. You can not change their skin or color. Your can’t change thier time. You can’t put dates on them. They are not phones. They are things with brains of a whole other reality.

Once again. Expecting and trusting is wasteful. Just hope. You put hope into some one and that makes a relationship!

Just hope.

Reply July 17, 2016, 11:41 pm


Not sure about women but I suspect men cheat ONLY because they’re not mature. Secondary part is that our culture is designed to weaken the family unit. This results in the ruling government elite psychos to step in to fill the authority gap that all women desire and most men. Bottom line is that cheater cohorts are created to cause division in the family structure, if not destroy the family unit based upon father’s authority, to make Orwellization very very very easy.

Reply July 16, 2016, 7:01 pm


I think ALL men cheat, either just once or habitually. They cheat even if the woman is beautiful or very attentive and loving. I think they’re just wired that way. And women, too, but just not as much. I once asked a married man who was propositioning me, “Why do men marry if they’re not willing or able to be faithful? Why not stay single and then be free to play the field?” He hesitated and then said that a man is not always able to find a willing woman and that a wife was a guarantee of sex and companionship. I think that explanation nails it.

Reply July 9, 2016, 2:33 pm


No. His problem was generalization. He thought that because his wife loved him that he was harem bait…that all women love him. you see? Very very infantile. He’s a junior high kid, mentally, in an adult body. I suspect that this problem was an intentional creation by pharmas over 100 years ago. I say this because I keep coming across early accounts of US soldiers in WWI and WWII as being considered over-sexed by Euro sub cultures. Pharma has tampered with the Y gene somehow. No evidence but the results are clear.

Reply July 16, 2016, 7:06 pm


Yup, on the money. A woman that is self-obsessed, sees everything in the world only in the context of herself, and has no interest in the things you feel good about doing, works only for a while – while you are trying to become important to her. But when a long train of experience establishes that you can’t ever hold her attention when the story is about yourself, or your experience, or your successes, you really just don’t want to spend time with her.

That kind of person is not a companion – you are a pet to be trained; and to bring her someone on whom to take out her feelings of victim-hood, or inadequacy, or annoyance, or whatever it is she is obsessing about – including you, or your habits, or some molehill about which she has constructed a control freak mountain. Frankly, being alone and reading a good book is far more pleasurable.

There has to be some return for your attention to her or it’s time to find another partner – one who will provide companionship and communication. Without it, it’s not a relationship; and without a relationship, sex, marriage, cohabitation, shared experience, and life with that person is something to avoid – not treasure. If a man doesn’t feel useful, he will find someplace where he belongs.

Reply July 5, 2016, 12:53 am


Yes, in general. Women are designed to follow. Either their husband or the closest authority. Babylon Vatican-Rome-Egypt-Occult know that to control any culture the women are the key. Give them authority and they will follow.

Reply July 16, 2016, 7:10 pm


I see why he cheated on you. You drove him away with too much whining and yapping. The REAL reason men cheat.

Reply July 1, 2016, 2:28 am


What a babbling bunch of BS. The psychology behind the problem of cheating from a women’s perspective is always the same. Get over it! Apparently the man cheats because he isn’t getting anything in his own bedroom. Period! A woman cheats because of some psychological need to bring emotions into a simple act of sex. Grow up!

Reply June 30, 2016, 2:28 am



Reply July 1, 2016, 2:29 am

Doug Hoffman

Despite all the naysayers, this article is spot on, 100% accurate. Cheating is a man trying to satisfy an emotional need with sex. She says over and over she isn’t justifying it, just explaining it.

Reply June 27, 2016, 2:33 pm

Robert Vincelette

I don’t buy it, the claim they can’t help it or they need to conquest women, anymore than I would accept any other excuse for the choice to violate one’s word to his partner. Don’t blame evolution or DNA because this is a choice.

Reply June 18, 2016, 4:15 pm


Of course, once again, it’s the woman’s fault. How many passes are these cheaters going to get. I feel cheated by spending the time to read this article.

Reply June 16, 2016, 12:57 pm


The sixth paragraph down says it all. It shows that, no doubt that this article was written by a woman (which we already knew)
I didn’t get the idea that men cheated because they felt like losers in the relationship. To be compared with the woman’s needs weren’t met, or she doesn’t feel cared for, or not understood. So the men feel like losers and the woman is to emotional. Men cheat because some are scum bags, and some are bored with what they get at home, which makes them a scum bag!!!
Woman cheat for the same reason. Stop with the It just happened…………….there is no excuse.

Reply June 16, 2016, 10:55 am

Janine Bowen

LOL – just wrote a long-winded version of what you put so succinctly. Agreed! (for both sexes)!

Reply July 27, 2016, 5:11 pm


Nope. Men cheat because they were not ready for real marriage, for better or for worse. In another way, men become adulterers because they are NOT men but boys. Immature. Observation shows most women are ready for commitment young, say 18. Men often are not ready until 40!

Reply April 2, 2016, 7:30 pm


I can entertain this notion with the knowledge that women generally have way more experience than men in sex but more importantly, with relationships.

Reply April 22, 2016, 6:47 am


My boyfriend of 7 months, well now ex started being weird about almost two months ago. We were suppose to hang out one day when I was home from college and he ignored me the whole day and next until later that night and preceded to tell me he didn’t cheat on me and then told me the reason why he was being weird which was because of not have a job for a month and that he would have to move if he didn’t find one soon. He also said he feels like he’s let me and us down and I gave him a jar of reasons why I loved him for Valentine’s Day before I left and when I got back to school he told me he couldn’t stop crying, he would make everything work and he wouldn’t go on without me. I was his true love. Well he again ditched me again last week when I came home 3 times and all said cause he was at work but they were all weekends which he wasn’t suppose to work. Well I came home today to give him his stuff and found out he was cheating on me with this girl and I asked her how long she was with him and she said 4 months and all he did was laugh and smile at the situation. In our relationship he has constantly let me down. He would say he would see me and wait hours to see me or wouldn’t see me. Never took me on dates. Never said he would do the things he would do. We only got in fights when he wouldn’t do something he said he would but this happened a lot. My question is that is this all me? Or where did I go wrong? He won’t give me these answers and I’m going crazy trying to figure out why he would do something like this to me with everything he has told me.

Reply March 25, 2016, 11:37 pm


Why can’t women understand this?
While some of what you said may be involved, the most pressing and primary reason comes from pure biological evolution.
Men have a subconscious instinctual drive to spread their genetics as far and wide as possible to produce as many viable offspring to carry on his genetic line as he can.
That is the base drive of it. While that may not exist by itself on unconscious and conscious levels because other factors come into play to add to it such as sexual attraction, need to win, et cetera, the base spark for it at the subconscious is reproductive instinct.

Reply February 24, 2016, 9:12 am

Robert Walker

I agree with LunaEros, its partly genetic and comes via evolution from prehistoric man. Prehistoric man didn’t get married, marriage didn’t even exist. He was no different than the bull in a herd of cows and while it might sound gross to day he would have had sex with any female available, his sisters, daughters,even his mother. The notion of incest did not exist. Only after man began to live in small groups or hordes were any rules established and they found it beneficial for men to stay with one woman and keep track of their offspring. Men today want to feel like they can conquer in many ways, fighting other men, being superior in physical sports and yes having sex with many women makes men feel like a winner, boosts his male ego and helps to erase that feeling of being a loser. Sure we have a choice and should resist our primal urges but its a fight against our nature.

Reply June 26, 2016, 3:01 pm


Which would suggest that this (by evolution) go back to the first man (who had no such need to spread his seed since there theoretically was no place to spread it). So, Buhlsheyt! Men cheat for the same reason that women do….because they want to. And each person has his or her own justifications for doing so.

Reply July 1, 2016, 1:46 pm


People cheat because sex entices them, PERIOD

Reply February 15, 2016, 4:08 pm

The Dude

“A man’s most fundamental drive in this world is to feel like a winner. He needs to feel like he is “conquering,” like he is significant, like he is having an impact on the world, like his is pursuing his mission in life.”

That’s a bit of a sexist stereotype. Where is the evidence for that? All men want to be conquerors or winners? Really? If a woman says something sweepingly sexist and stereotypical about the male it’s ok. But if a man does it about a woman there is ‘outrage.’ With respect maybe your just dating certain types of men. Insecure ones.
But if a man

Reply February 15, 2016, 8:23 am


The very sad thing is that many women Cheat much more than men these days.

Reply February 1, 2016, 12:25 pm


One disgruntled broad has all the secrets of the human male…..WOW……why isnt she Dr. PHIL-LIS?

Reply January 3, 2016, 1:37 pm


Men have an inherent sex drive to satisfy with any woman. Modern man is supposed to contain the urge, but many just do not.

Reply December 29, 2015, 2:30 pm


That’s just an excuse. Men have sex drives? Boo hoo, EVERYONE has a sex drive. If a man doesn’t manage it like an adult he doesn’t deserve to be respected.

Reply February 21, 2016, 10:29 pm


Man, is this author off. She doesn’t have a clue.

Reply December 29, 2015, 2:27 pm

Sam Blake

Agree. She has literally no idea. Seems like she is just comforting herself, imagining that she was “winning” in her relationship. I’d bet a million bucks her husband found her unattractive, unfulfilling, boring, or all of the above. Would love to see a picture of her…

Reply December 31, 2015, 3:06 am


Are you going to explain why it’s off at all? Just making assertions with no explanations is pretty worthless.

Reply February 21, 2016, 10:32 pm


You have to both be on the same team and do things for the team, not for just yourself to make a marriage work.

Reply December 28, 2015, 2:50 pm

Robert Vincelette

This stereotyping of men appears to me to be a combination of junk science that invites people to blame evolution induced instincts for what they choose to do and extreme sexism that matches the bigotry of racism against all men. Innocent men have to pay for the prejudices against them caused by these kinds of articles.

Reply December 24, 2015, 9:52 am


congratulations on being a feminist with dick

Reply February 23, 2016, 2:25 pm


Hi: I have a couple quick questions and need advice. My friend’s husband lies, cheats, steals, sexually harasses women, thinks life is but a joke. I really think he is a narcissistic/sociopath with 0 accountability and remorse. She keeps taking him back because of the finances and kids. He even almost caused one girl to contemplate killing herself because he coerced and exploited. He lies to all his clients doesn’t care who he destroys financially or in any way. He figures his life sucks so should everyone else. Why do women tolerate this? For the sex? Brainwashed? Threatened by him? NO other options? What is the deal? Love? Thinking they can change other human beings? I just don’t get it? SHe will not wake up! He’s going to destroy her finances!!!!! Her life!!!! Thanks, J

Reply December 11, 2015, 3:04 pm


She’s dating Donald Trump?

Reply February 24, 2016, 9:17 am

Robert Walker


Reply June 26, 2016, 3:04 pm


From a male perspective, I believe you’re pretty close to being right on. Just substitute “winner” with “respected”. I’ve had this conversation with many of my divorced male friends. It seems to be the one common thread we all share. When a woman demonstrates a lack of respect in whatever form – comparing him to others – criticizing his effort to be a good husband – not paying as much attention to her looks – in general, demonstrating a lack of satisfaction, he will read that as loss of interest and ultimately, loss of respect. Ladies, it takes surprisingly little to keep a man happy. You can have your man eating out of your hand, I mean it, if you will only show him your appreciation. Make him your hero. Try it, you will not be able to get rid of him! Don’t look at this as a humbling of yourself or becoming subservient. Instead, see this as what it is – charging your man’s battery in the way he is designed so that he has the energy he needs to love you the way you need and want. I feel that I should mention that this only works on men who have a consistent set of positive core values – “good guys” in other words. You will never be able to change a jerk.

Reply November 26, 2015, 2:17 pm


John my brother, you are an enlightened man. I like how you qualified it by saying this only works when one has a “set of positive core values”.

Ladies you may want to take heed to what John is saying. Love is to women what Respect is to men. Both are essential to a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Reply December 23, 2015, 7:57 pm


The way I see it, this guy you dated just used you until real love came along. There is no changing someone and he didn’t love you enough to change. He just wanted your money and you to do everything for him. There is no excuse to cheating and no one reason why people do it that justifies or “explains” it at all. Men AND women who cheat are assholes and shouldn’t be in relationships if they cannot stay faithful. Theres nothing else to explain that.

Reply November 25, 2015, 11:31 am

Seap IGA

Men feeling insecure and unappreciated by their spouses may look elsewhere for the same. But there are 1000th reasons for cheating by both men and women. Unless its serial couple should talk it out.

Reply November 20, 2015, 5:38 pm


Men and women both cheat, and many times for al the same reasons. Trying to attribute personality defects to the reasons only leads to a mischaracterization of the events that lead to the cheating. Some men and women are hound dogs, plain and simple. But more men and women, equally, roam because they are emotionally unfulfilled. This is not the exclusive domain of females.

Reply November 19, 2015, 11:56 am


The ‘real’ fact of the matter is, once the initial newness of the attraction has run its coarse ( approximately 1 to 2 years ), one or the other starts ‘fault-finding’. I’d venture to say there are precious few ‘fair’ relationships. One always loves more, and as a result, puts up with more. The sad reality is, the comfort zone usually puts off the inevitable for years, until both realize there’s nothing left to build on. I am literally cRaZy about my wife of 11 years, and she could care less. There are very few things about me anymore that she doesn’t loathe. I send her loving Emails daily, leave her sweet notes, cards, flowers, etc. Nothing. Its my fault for not ending it years ago. I love her so much it hurts, but she’s already long gone emotionally. Guess what? I lose.

Reply November 18, 2015, 11:05 pm


So, how are you now? Reading your comment made me feel awful for you. I know how hard it is when you love someone so much and they don’t love you back. Hope you are well and happy.

Reply March 16, 2016, 5:50 pm


Mike, same thing happened to me. Wanna meet? You sound like my kind of guy.

Reply July 13, 2016, 3:04 am

Tang Yu


I wouldn’t cheat on you. I’d cheat with you! You are a fox! Yum yum. :-)

Reply November 1, 2015, 1:42 pm

mark richardson

Men cheat because they want some strange female sex that is exciting and not the same OLD thing.

Reply October 28, 2015, 3:03 pm


still scumbags!

Reply October 27, 2015, 4:16 pm


Alexus, WOW!!! I apologize for what that guy did to you, but this is your story not a general rule. Please, do a follow up… after you talk with women who cheats, you may be surprised with the similarities.

My resolution: whatever life throws your way (negatively)… process what you can, learn what is valuable, kick the rest to the curb, FORGIVE (them & yourself) and move on with joy, peace and no baggage… Post (negative- life-events) can still be Great!!! Remember, we all are marching to the grave, don’t waste too much time on this.

Reply October 2, 2015, 6:52 am


What a stereotyped load of shit. What when a woman cheats? Let me tell you, straight from personal experience central, it’s no less shattering. Did she need to conquer? Hell, no. She’d come to a point of completely dehumanising me, and because I put up with her shit, and tried to make things work, then somehow I was weak and contemptible.
Married men (and men in relationships- same difference) can actually keep their dicks inside their pants- it ain’t rocket science.
And, women, if you’ve forgiven a man who said “it was an accident,” you’re being a fool. Falling over is an accident. Sticking your dick in someone is a calculated act that requires a lot of effort.

Reply September 28, 2015, 9:05 am


Sorry. You’re wrong. I’ve been married for 23 years to same woman. She gives me all the sex I want whenever I want it. That’s all that matters to me(n).

Reply September 27, 2015, 9:27 pm

Dumb Is Right

Dumb is so right and he knows it. Typically men will always think with their penis. It goes all the way back to cave men days, yup, want to get rid of your man, stop the sex, that will work every time. No need to fight your way out of the relationship. And men, never, never, never get married, live with the girl forever (23 years ago things were kinda different than now) bc something happens now and the relationship changes, it changes something psychologically in both minds, never the same. The sex changes, the fights change and the attitude changes, been there done that, twice. I know.

Reply July 1, 2016, 10:39 am

Lou Filliger

Maybe your partner has made you feel like a loser and given you every reason to cheat, but I would still have the decency to go to him/her and say “This is over” before moving on to the next thing. There’s really no excuse for not doing that. It’s a matter of one’s own integrity.

Reply August 17, 2015, 3:05 pm


So what’s the “real” reason women cheat?

Reply August 15, 2015, 11:58 am


Women cheat bc they need to be told they are sexy and beautiful. And woman today are just as horny as men. Also, the charge of getting away with it. The adrenaline rush of the secret. And if you are uncommonly attractive who doesn’t want some washboard tight sexy man (younger of course) telling you you are beautiful, something your husband hasn’t said in years. It is also just chemical drive.

Reply July 1, 2016, 10:45 am


90+% of the commenters here sound they could benefit from therapy.

Reply August 15, 2015, 10:26 am


Sabrina, I think your on to something when it comes to a conscious and subconscious level.
What your missing is primal base from which it all stems in the first place, the reproductive drive.
Humans evolved this way specifically to increase the chances of propagating our individual genetics.
Males are driven to desire as many attractive females as possible to increase the chance of his genetic line continuing just as women are driven to seek out the most attractive, fit and able to protect and provide for their offspring.
While we may have better conscious control these days as particular societies and cultures deem appropriate and correct, the primary instigator of it boils down to reproductive instincts.

Reply August 8, 2015, 1:49 pm

anna case

i heard the same thing before myself!!

Reply December 22, 2015, 8:25 pm

what separates us

Your last paragraph is what separates us from animals and that’s our ability to override our natural (reproductive) instincts. Do we sometimes give into to these instincts, sure but we don’t have to.

Reply December 23, 2015, 8:08 pm


I lasted 15 years with my first wife, but was ready to kill myself. She wanted a replacement father, not a husband, and she went crazy with religion. No man can compete with another man, especially if the other man is GOD. Another women I worked with threw me a rope. We’ve been married 32 years now and have 4 grandchildren. Don’t stay in a bad marriage and drive each other nuts. Move on.

Reply July 26, 2015, 12:28 pm


I guess a woman can tell and show a boy how to be a man too smh give me a break!! that is the problem with this world since adam and eve men and women not staying in their own lane and taking responsibility for themselves instead of assuming and making excuses. men cheat women cheat because it is permitted simple one and done nothing to explain ponder. it happens get over it…it is not the end of the world and not everybody does it so move on.

Reply July 23, 2015, 4:15 am


Thank you ! I finally understand what I’ve been doing wrong all this years. I used to think I should be thinner more interesting exciting sexy or good looking. Once I was about to undergo surgical procedures. I asked the guy I was with then if she was prettier than me – his answer shocked himself – no you are prettier and I love you more.
But I didn’t make him feel loved. Of course even I would walk away ! Its so important to feel valuable ! How did I miss this!? I focus so much on fixing him I’ve stopped loving him !!!!
Thank you !!!!!! God bless !

Reply July 20, 2015, 7:37 am

Lilly C

You start by saying it’s not the woman’s fault, then go on to say why it is. Different men cheat for different reasons and believe it not, some men never cheat. My first husband cheated because that’s the way he was raised. His father, uncles, aunts and grandfather cheated and their spouses put up with it. Well, I didn’t. Although I was only 18, I left after only 3 months. I found out that he was living with another woman when he proposed to me. He didn’t tell her until the day before we got married. But she started seeing him again 3 days later. But he wasn’t in love with her. He dumped her right after I left him. There are women who aren’t there for their husband and make them feel less of a man. But cheating won’t help. If she’s not there and doesn’t care, leave. We all need to be responsible for our own actions.

Reply July 15, 2015, 1:38 am


Wow, another entire article on the subject,,, lots and lots of words and the writer still doesn’t get it.

Here it is in a nutshell: Monogamy is unnatural. Males were designed to mate with as many willing females as possible, while women provide the selection control on mates.
It is even programmed into brain chemistry. Notice that humans don’t eat the same food over and over three times a day and 365 days a year. Nature has worked in a feature we’ll call ‘satiation’. It ensures that we won’t eat the same berry over and over but go out and look for some other additional food source.
The same principle works for men in sexual attraction. You may be one of the world’s most beautiful women, but the effect you have on us will diminish with each subsequent exposure. We reach a point of ‘satiation’ where the stimulus your looks used to evoke, no longer evoke the same level of response. Nature does this on purpose to make sure that a male doesn’t repeatedly mate with the same female but spreads ‘the seed’ to others to assure a diverse gene pool. Like it or not, ladies. The latter is what is programmed by thousands of years of evolution.
Now you all have the actual reason,, not a lie told to spare your feelings on the subject.

Reply June 10, 2015, 11:27 pm


So much with evolution of mankind !!!! Don’t use thiese excuses again and again !!!! Using this so called theory of evolution …. This theory IS NOT EVIDENTLY TRUE !!!!!! AND STOP comparing mankind with animals !!!!!!! WE ARE NOT ANIMALS !!!!! To procreate … As mankind .. We have HUMAN CONSCIENCE which animals DONT HAVE !!!! So going round screwing another human being got NOTHING TO DO WITH POPULATING THE WORLD SENSELESLY LIKE ANIMALS !!!!!! As a human being … You and I have our social responsibility and Accountability to each other –no matter how much we might feel as a Loser or Winner in our human relationship !!! If one felt like a Loser in a relationship — then REAL TALK WITH COURAGE with the partner MUST TAKE PLACE !!! But NOT going off to another third party IN SECRET TO CHEAT JUST SO HE OR SHE WANT TO FEEL LIKE A WINNER !!!!!
IT TAKE A REAL MAN to take up courage to talk it out REAL GOOD or in a counseling session — if things do NOT
Improve … At least both parties can release each other in the most civilized ways !!!!! NO NEED TO CHEAT !!!! NO NEED TO HAVE SECRET AFFAIRS !!!!! ONLY WEAK MINDED PERSON CHEATS !!!!!

Reply July 20, 2015, 12:18 pm


how many hundreds of pounds are you overweight, VICTORIA?

Reply July 24, 2015, 12:57 pm



Ignorance is bliss, so I’m guessing you are one “extremely” happy person.

Reply November 1, 2015, 1:30 pm

Robert Walker

VICTORIA , Man wasn’t born with a conscience, a conscience is learned and yes we are most definitely animals. Do you think prehistoric man had a conscience when it came to having sex? There were no rules or laws when Alley Oop walked the earth. That came much later when Fred Flintstone married Wilma. Prehistoric man was just like a bull in a herd of cows and DNA can bed inherited. Sure we have certain rules we should abide by in todays society but for many men its still a fight against nature. btw, internet pornography doesn’t make things any easier for a man, i.e unless he substitutes it for the real thing. Sex is everywhere today where as 50 years ago it wasn’t so prolific and this just adds to a mans temptation and inherent lust for sexual gratification. King David had a man murdered after he saw his wife naked so he could have her so he must have been a very weak minded man, Right!.

Reply June 26, 2016, 3:27 pm


Prehistorically immature, not spiritual, network smothering, archaic, no conscious, not in love w her, blood chemistry, break new ground, misread others, wife’s unity love or looks not his culture magnificent? Felt needed a harem, tricked, non communicative, isolated her, wanted her to have physical abuse may be suppressed he wanted to do it to her but breaks the law so he ran to others, indulged in porno, I think she sought marital couples relationship private for them not sick must have case pornos unless they were lovers he wanted or had, material excess, non forgiving, blaming, interruping, non case, she factors like political graphic charts were my problems w a cheating husband willing to break it off from beginning. Now he says we aren’t even friends, cant commit and he is a battle. More I felt untrustworthy and learned it was him setting enemies against me in my own home, ridiculed and terrorized me from beginning of it.

Reply November 29, 2016, 7:01 pm


This is the biggest load of horseshit I’ve heard in a long time.

Reply July 25, 2015, 6:34 am


That woman is toxic!

Reply July 26, 2015, 12:45 pm


@UnderObviousSeeObvious: ROFL. Many people stay married for years, quite happily. Trying to justify human behavior by looking at animals is like trying to prove that, if there are unicorns, they like tea.

Reply July 25, 2015, 6:36 am


I was going to write the same thing, almost word-for word. Read it and understand it folks.

Reply November 19, 2015, 7:33 am


Your comment is a bunch of horse….S**t.

Men Cheat because they are heartless creatures. Period. END OF STORY!!!

Reply June 23, 2016, 10:22 pm

Dr. Rain

Well said! We are animals. There is nothing special about us. We are just programs following our genes. It only makes sense that men need to procreate with as many women as possible; aka “spread the seed” as you said. It’s not a flattering image. Especially for women. But it is the truth.

Reply September 6, 2016, 4:30 pm

The weasel

I am older and been around. You are full of beans. Plain and simple, some men have more drive than others, period. And as for reasons, as many as women. Thousands!

Reply May 22, 2015, 2:37 am

Kay James

Boy, did this guy scam you. And you come off as a typical codependent, trying to fix others and buying ever sob story they lay on you. This is such crap. Men who cheat do so because they’re narcissistic and believe they’re entitled to do whatever they want, with no regard for the feelings of the women they hurt. They get a thrill out of getting something they’re not supposed to have. It makes them feel special, it makes them feel powerful, it makes them feel like they’re getting away with something. They’re no different from compulsive thieves, who steal for the same reasons. Cheaters have a bad attitude toward women, whom they view as nothing but meat. These men learned from their fathers to disrespect their mothers, and then to disrespect ALL women. Any lie they tell you to excuse their behavior is just standard emotional manipulation from a man who is not genuine and can’t be trusted in any area of life. And you sucked that all up with a big ol’ straw, and now you’re earnestly doing your codependent best to convince all the other women out there that you understand their behavior and can explain it to them. You’re making the same mistake Freud made: you’re assuming that your personal experience makes you an expert, and that your personal interpretation of events in your own life make you an authority on the subject.

Reply May 6, 2015, 4:15 pm


“You’re making the same mistake Freud made: you’re assuming that your personal experience makes you an expert, and that your personal interpretation of events in your own life make you an authority on the subject.”

Pot meet kettle…

Btw, you have several comments/replies here so clearly this a hot spot for you. You do realize you’re sounding quite bitter. Maybe you don’t choose well or run off the good ones. Bitterness is not attractive. And while there are certainly serial cheaters (narcissists and men of poor character-wouldn’t matter how wonderful their partners are) that is not all men who have cheated. An otherwise stable, decent, caring man who loves his wife may stray if he is emasculated, denied intimacy (not just perfunctory sex either where the wife gives in to get it over with, but true intimacy where he is made to feel wanted), treated like another child in the family, or just not appreciated. In other words, she’s right! Ask a few men, and be willing to hear the answers what they have to say.

Reply May 24, 2015, 1:13 pm



*be willing to hear what they have to say.

Reply May 24, 2015, 1:21 pm


yes, the author is right, but b/c she used the word “winner” a bunch of guys read this and act like feminists, calling it sexist and hateful towards men. It’s saddening to see more and more men are starting to act like feminists, truly disturbing!

Reply February 23, 2016, 2:30 pm


Oh my Lord ….. I say, “Yes, and AMEN!!” ….. Absolutely right on and I hope the author of this vignette can get a glimpse of what you wrote. I felt as if I had written your response myself. A narcissistic, full-of-himself male will crap on any person in his life, but especially the women. Oh, he’s good at making everyone and everything else the issue…….but, it truly is within him. The catch is……even if she was trying to help him………the way he feels about himself is his responsibility NOT yours. He should have had the balls to tell you he felt “mothered’, etc. No…..he did just exactly what he wanted to do and I’d sum up your situation as I’ve heard in the last few years …… “He just wasn’t that IN to you.” Men don’t have to cheat anymore than a woman does. Not cheating is a sign of some maturity and makes one worth having around. Now, the author says he and the new lady have been together many years…..but, we don’t know what that gal has been thru with him, either. I pray God you actually quit thinking about him….what a waste of time.

Reply October 31, 2015, 9:28 pm


BTW ….. I wrote this “AMENing” what Kay James wrote, not what McCarr wrote. I figured my reply would fill in right below the Kay James comment, but somehow it got lined up below McCarr’s comment. I guess the bottom line of all actions is “We do what we want to do.”. There really are no acceptable reasons to treat others poorly. Man-up, woman-up and do what is right and good to others even if it means ending a relationship. We, as adults, always affect so many others with the choices we make. We are our brothers/sisters’ keepers. I guess when I think about it I am always amazed at the number of women who allow themselves to be ‘taken in’ by men who are in a relationship and gamble their own mental / physical / emotional health thinking that the jack-wad won’t do the same thing to them…..such arrogance or naivete.

Reply October 31, 2015, 9:46 pm


My mother raised me to believe that “a real woman would not do to another another woman what she wouldn’t want another woman to do to her.” Women who KNOWINGLY stick their nose & their pussy into another woman’s relationship has got it coming to her & I don’t feel sorry for her one bit. They are the type of woman who deliberately goes after men who are already “taken” because to take a man away from another woman is the only way they can get “validation” that they are prettier, sexier, better in bed, more desirable, etc, etc, than other women but as soon as they know they’ve “got” him, they get bored with their “conquest” & find another man to “bag.” They are NEVER satisfied because inside of them is an empty emotional black hole of sociopathic selfishness & neediness that will never be filled. Someone should write a book about these relationship “vampires” that wreak havoc everywhere they go, the old-fashioned name for these kind of women is “home-wrecker” & they do exist.

Reply July 13, 2016, 4:08 am

The women

Thanks for this xx

Reply March 20, 2016, 6:39 am


Try swinging, it’s not cheating and it really spices up a couple’s love life !
Sexual fidelity is overrated, I personally was faithful to my wife, and she went and lost interest in sex as soon as we got married, much like Allen’s wife. We got divorced and now I enjoy sexual relationships with more than one woman at the same time. I’m always honest up front and tell them I’m not monogamous on a first or second date. The variety is exciting and makes the sex better with all of them. I’m much happier than I was when married and in the end that’s what counts, only one life !

Reply April 5, 2015, 4:49 pm

Kay James

In other words, you’re incapable of emotional intimacy so you’ve opted for pure animalistic release, and in order to convince yourself that what you’re doing is the answer to you psychological issues, you’re attempting to convert others to your lifestyle choice so your personal solution is supported by society at large. You’re happier because you’ve found a way to live on the shallow outskirts of your emotions without taking any risk of getting hurt again. You can now suppress your emotions, avoid true intimacy with a woman, and ignore the psychological wounds festering deep down inside. I’m pretty sure you’ll eventually discover this isn’t a long term solution; in a few decades, you’ll be one of those pathetic old dudes that everyone pities because you’re living alone without any close connections.

Reply May 6, 2015, 4:25 pm


Have a clue sweetie. Humans ARE animals, just a different species is all. Women are socialized to make all sorts of nonsense fantasies about what sex is about. Men know that meeting a sexual need is no different than filing the need for food or water.

Some can deal with reality and others create a fantasy to isolate themselves from the reality. Humans are animals, we eat, drink, respirate, defecate, urinate and copulate like any other animal. You can lie to yourself, but the truth stares one in the face.

Swinging is fun. Sex is fun.
Marriage is a car that fails over 60 percent of the time,,, who wants to invest in a car that has that kind of failure rate? No one who has a lick of sense, is who.
Important clue, dearie: In the end, we ALL die alone…..

Reply June 10, 2015, 11:35 pm


Primarily, I think the reason why guys cheat is because their marriage sucks–bottom line, for whatever reason. That being said, I do believe that guys are looking for good sex and an outlet from their dead end marriages. Does that speak to their lack of good decision making as to selecting a suitable spouse? Of course, but that is a moot point once the ink is on the marriage certificate. In the end the actual excuses or reasons that guys give for cheating is all garbage, ultimately men cheat because they have convinced themselves that they deserve to since they’re in a bad relationship. I think a lot of people are overthinking the matter….

Reply April 5, 2015, 10:12 am

Kay James

You’ve got it backward. The marriage usually sucks because the spouse cheats. Those who cheat, as well as those who marry cheaters, almost always grew up with a cheating parent, usually the father. Everyone has a unique pheromonal signature. It’s not something we can detect with our noses, but we’re all aware of it on a subconscious level. When two people have sex, their pheromonal signature alters slightly, becoming more in line with one another. Studies into this area show that, when a man cheats, the wife AND children are subconsciously aware of this change, even if they don’t consciously know about the adultery. This effects them emotionally, creating insecurity in the family dynamic. This causes friction between the husband and wife, and when the children grow up, they tend to recreate their parent’s relationship. The sons grow up to become cheaters, and the daughters marry men who cheat, because this is the sort of family they grew up in and feel most comfortable with. And yes, I do have a degree in psychology, and my main area of study was abnormal psych with an emphasis on human sexuality—although I left the field many years ago after working with sex offenders in the forensic unit of a state psychiatric hospital, which left me so burnt out that I returned to school and got a degree in a different field so I could make a much-needed career change.

Reply May 6, 2015, 4:37 pm


Idk, I think psychology is kind of a joke. I’ve seen a couple when I was younger and I have a friend who’s finishing up in school with it currently & from what I’ve seen most people who are psychologist tend to be disconnected from the general population. (I’m not trying to insinuate you are, speaking generally here.)

The idea that you can learn how to generalize people into groups of ‘types’ of people isn’t something I think you can learn in a classroom which is probably the main reason I don’t agree with the practice.

Reply May 7, 2015, 12:51 pm


This a brilliant illuminating article. I think that many of the negative comments here fall into the following categories: a) never been on either side of the situation; since cant truly relate to it perhaps they fall into their own biases; b) have been in the situation but generalize that what happened to them happens to everyone, c) miss your central theme completely. You said “Men usually are tempted to cheat when they no longer feel like winners in their relationship. This isn’t true of all men, but it is for most. I’m not talking about narcissists or sociopaths or guys with major commitment issues. I’m talking about normal, stable dudes.” You said not all. You disclaimed the worst offenders. You defined the group specifically as what we would consider normal folks. I think you hit the mark. Some seem put off by your analogies of “winners” or “losers”. As you alluded to further I think the most important concepts are appreciation and respect. This is true for male or female. Regardless of all other compatibilities, when these two components break down the relationship is doomed to fail.

Reply April 5, 2015, 1:09 am


No the negative comments realize the sexism .

You must be the type of guy who cheats and blames it on everyone you cheated on and not yourself.

Reply April 10, 2015, 7:07 am

Kay James

First of all, there’s no such thing (from a psychological perspective) as ‘normal.’ What you’re really talking about is someone who is psychologically stable and genuine. If you look at anyone who is not psychologically stable, they are not genuine human beings. They are emotionally manipulative, dishonest in some way, and their words don’t match their actions. We live in a codependent society. Our media, from television shows to pop music, glorifies the codependent relationship. From the ‘bad boy’ who’s saved by the love of a ‘good woman’ to the lovers who can’t live without each out, from the time we’re children being spoon fed the Disney princess who inevitably finds “True Love,” we’re taught to idealize the codependent relationship. In a truly healthy relationship, both partners treat each other with respect—even when their partner isn’t there to monitor their behavior. That respect includes remaining faithful, even if the other partner will never know about the affair. It means being emotionally intimate instead of just physically intimate, it means having a relationship of equals, and it means no emotional manipulation, melodrama, attention-seeking behaviors, or physical/emotional/psychological abuse. Most people in codependent relationships refuse to recognize the red flags early on; they make excuses and believe everything will get better if they just “hang in there.” The way to have a healthy relationship is to seek out a partner who is genuine, which means someone whose actions aren’t in conflict with their words and who treats others with respect. Unfortunately, because we’re live in a society that’s saturated with codependency, genuine people are becoming more and more scarce.

Reply May 6, 2015, 4:49 pm

Certified Bachelor

I’ve never been married or have kids. I’m a single 40something that is with a significant other, but I will still sleep with a woman who wants to be with me; I am not turning her down as long as I can see she’s drug and disease free. I’ve been caught but I just move on.

You only live once, and if you want to have sex with the same person for the rest of your life you go ahead. I want to enjoy being with women, as long as they want to be with me.

Reply April 4, 2015, 7:04 pm


As a man in his second marriage, I agree with your article as far as it went, and can see by the judgmental attitudes of some the other posters that they are setting themselves up to be cheated on. In my experience, women say that want communication and honesty, but they don’t. I would really appreciate a woman who was a friend, but learned there are topics that are off limits. 1. You cannot criticize your wife or she will turn it back on you, and her memory for your mistakes is much better. 2. You cannot complain about your job because she will feel threatened and insist that you do any and everything to stay in your boss’s good graces. 3. You cannot show weakness or vulnerability or she will throw it back in your face during any future disagreement on any topic. So, as long as the sex is good and she needs you, you keep your mouth shut and content yourself for that much. I left my first wife after 25 years because there was nothing left but the complaints. My second wife needs me, and has a better sense of humor. And, for those who will ask, What about love? Love is a living thing, and if you don’t feed it everyday, it withers and dies.

Reply April 4, 2015, 12:49 am


Yes because you know for a fact that all women don’t want honesty and communication?

See. These are the types of guys who cheat right here ladies. And it’s not because you didn’t make them feel good. It’s because they believe cap like women can’t handle honesty.

Reply April 10, 2015, 7:09 am


I’m also f*cking tired of men being dishonest with women then once they’ve driven women crazy w/ their deceitfulness they have the nerve to call women crazy.

Reply February 23, 2016, 2:43 pm


The sad thing is, this is what society says a man should be

“Happy wife, happy life”
“Men don’t cry”
“Bringing home the bacon”

Society says we have a certain set of walls we have to keep up, and it’s unacceptable to detour without looking less of a man. It’s a double entendre , because of sexist boundaries setup by society men aren’t allowed to voice sexist standards placed on them.

Reply May 7, 2015, 12:59 pm


Wow – so many theories, so many pointlessly based in tradition instead of thought. The thing is, monogamy isn’t the natural default setting: jealousy is. Or possessiveness, if that word feels better. We don’t want our partner to bang someone else, or even admit being attracted to someone else, but we’ll make exceptions for the very same things that happen inside our own minds.

Consider this:
In a 1991 study, sex researcher Shere Hite found that 70 percent of married women have cheated on their partners; a 1993 follow-up study found that 72 percent of married men have as well.

That’s only the 70% of spouses that admit cheating. Also, if 70% have done it, I’m going to go out on a limb and say a much larger percentage have thought about it. So, why? Why do we train ourselves to believe we’ll be the ones with an affair-less marriage? Why do so many have the ridiculous belief that sex is the one horrible transgression we can’t get over? Hmm, Sabrina and the rest? So many things are so much worse, so much more destructive, yet an affair is what breaks things apart, even though any rational person would bet good money on the odds that it will happen to them, to you, to everyone.

It seems that, with the statistics as high as they are, it’s time for a frank and unsentimental discussion with ourselves and our partners about the reality of our sexuality, because the sentimental, Hollywood-style drama outlined in these comments is as artificial as it gets.

Also, to address the “loser, lacking moral compass, negative personal issues, low self esteem” crowd – you’re fools. Not because these things are never the cause, but because these types of theories are so shrouded in deeply rooted assumptions you probably don’t even know you have.

Here’s a reality check for you folks – if you’ve been cheated on, it’s most likely because your partner wanted to bang someone else. That’s it, that’s all, period. Not because you were distant or busy or whatever excuse makes it sound better in polite conversation. It’s because they were sexually attracted to someone else, and decided to act. And that, peeps, is the unfortunate truth most will never accept – you’re not enough, and will never be enough. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Reply April 3, 2015, 8:21 pm


“you’re not enough, and will never be enough. And there’s nothing you can do about it.” Wow that’s depressing. If that’s the case then what’s the point in even trying? Men/women aren’t worth taking a chance with because they are guaranteed to be unfaithful, that’s what i take from your comment.

Reply February 23, 2016, 2:34 pm


As a married man of 8 years, and not my first marriage, I can tell you the major reason that men cheat. I am speaking about not only my experience but the experience of many married men whom I know personally. Before I go married, like most men, the intimacy was great. whenever we got together it was dynamite ! The day we got married, that changed. It was obvious even on the honeymoon. She had made believe she was interested in me sexually was to make me wish to marry her, and to carry on this wonderful chemistry into our marriage. Nothing cold be further from the truth. After many conversations, and I mean dozens on the subject, she admitted that watching TV was more interesting than being intimate. Again I am speaking about not only my experience but on the experience of dozens of other married men. So the bottom line, is that myself, and other married men, have a choice, as follows. We can get a divorce, we can hand up our sexual and intimacy desires, or we can cheat. Those are the only choices. There are no others. Those of us in that quandary can suggest marriage counseling but that will not help, because the women will make believe to the counselors that they are the injured party, and that they love their men. In their way they do love their marriage. It just doesn’t include intimacy. In my case if I puss it, and speak about it often, once every couple of weeks, I am permitted to have sex with my wife for no more than 15 minutes. There is no love, or kissing or closeness. Just sex and get it over with. That is the attitude that most married men have to deal with. So we cheat with another woman, whom will make believe she is turned on to me, and get and divorce and marry here, and guess what — the same thing. I should say that the women of which I am speaking about are all over the age of 40-45. Studies have shown many times that about 95 % of the women would just as soon as never have sex, and will do so, only to get a man, and try to keep him. This is unfortunate but true. I am an educated man whom loves the idea of being close with one woman. My woman has told me many many times that the most important thing in her life is TV !!!!! I wish I was wrong, unfortunately I am not. If a married man reads this and his woman is over 40 years old, he will probably shake his head, and se hey that’s me he is speaking of. We have taught women to be princesses through their lives, and then we wonder why they are that way !

Reply April 2, 2015, 9:21 pm

Jefferson Hetzler

Perhaps you should consider the possibility that you don’t know how to pick a wife.


Reply April 4, 2015, 11:20 pm


That is one possibility. Then many, many men, including myself fall into that category. Another possibility is that women change, typically between 40 and 50 years old and had rather do almost anything other than have sex. My experience is the second scenario is true. The best option is DO NOT GET MARRIED.

Reply April 5, 2015, 10:02 pm

Kay James

The clue here is Allen’s use of the word ‘intimacy.’ True intimacy isn’t physical, it’s emotional. And the couples who stay together and have healthy relationships are the ones who achieve emotional intimacy. That intimacy springs from respect, and from genuine behavior on the part of both partners. Like many men, it sounds like Allen was looking for an attractive mate with whom he could be physically intimate, and no doubt, he ignored the red flags in his wife’s behavior prior to marriage. He probably accepted her words without question and ignored those moments when her actions weren’t in alignment with what she said. And he’s also refusing to take responsibility for his own part in the failure of the marriage, because he fails to understand that women are more interested in emotional intimacy with their partners than mere sex, and their physical desire tends to be rooted in their feelings of emotional connectedness. If his wife is turning to TV to meet her emotional needs, it’s probably because Allen has never given her the emotional intimacy she craves.

Reply May 6, 2015, 5:01 pm


To those that don’t like Allen’s comment, I’ve heard the same from hundreds of divorced men. I have yet to hear another reason mentioned.

Reply November 19, 2015, 7:39 am


I don’t know what intimacy is to you but to me and I believe most women it is emotional, it is a smile with your eyes just for me, a touch as you go by, a hug, a single flower just because, my favorite , an unexpected kiss(when you don’t want sex),this woman talks about feeling valued how about a “you look nice” “that dinner was exceptional” these are the things that makes us want you & PLEASE do not forget foreplay, ask her what she likes & do it. If you asked women of any age if they like sex her answer will depend on her experience, I have never met a woman that would pass a mind blowing orgasim. I have met many that DO NOT KNOW WHAT an orgasim is. So many men say they are with a “frigid” woman, I’ve always wondered who they think is suppose to warm her up. I have been married for 54 years & we are slowing down some but I would still do anything for my hubby as long as it included a mind blowing orgasim.

Reply April 7, 2016, 11:56 am


A quote from the poster above …

“The problem is not that you made him feel like a loser, the problem is that he was a loser. ”


Sabrina you seem like a great gal but you really need to lay down some of that male political correctness you’re carrying.

And you KNOW the guy you’re with now would NEVER cheat? Haha if you didn’t know with the 1st guy you won’t know it this time either. You’re trying to control your world with your black and white thinking. It’s all just mental masturbation.

Reply April 2, 2015, 6:21 pm


She is not. I think she is trying to enlighten. I’m sure she has others that agree but as no one is defending her I shall put my foot down. She asked and acted very different not to forget he was the opposite of her first. It makes sense because even though I’m female I felt the same with my mother who lost her husband after 21 years. That Sabrina woman actually gives a true legit reason and a cure

Reply April 26, 2015, 9:18 pm


Thus is so spot on. And I always say cheating is emotionally abusive.

Reply April 2, 2015, 8:05 am


I was cheating. Not on purpose mind you but I wouldn’t call what I did abuse. You want to know abuse you should have been in some of my relationship the last before this especially.By the time it was done I was so broken even a prostitute wouldn’t have sold as much of theirselves as I did. The time I cheeted my girl had vanished for months no reason and thinking it was over I got with my bestfriend I was dating her when the vanishing girl came on and freaked out. Her friends taunted me saying I was cheating. Urgh not a good thing

Reply April 26, 2015, 9:27 pm


Sabrina. How do you know you are in a relationship with a man who would never cheat.

That is naive and extremely laughable. And insight into the male psychology? Not all men are the same so….

Reply April 2, 2015, 7:49 am

Kay James

First and foremost, don’t ignore the red flags. Usually, the women in these relationships make excuses when the man’s behavior isn’t in alignment with his words. The man tells the woman he loves her, but he doesn’t treat her with respect. For example, he may flirt with other women in front of her, then put the blame on her by telling her that’s she’s being too jealous and possessive if she protests. And the woman usually accepts that, and even apologizes! One of my professors in psychology define true love as “knowing my partner will treat me with respect EVEN WHEN I’M NOT THERE TO MONITOR HIS/HER BEHAVIOR.” Look for a genuine individual who doesn’t pretend to be something he isn’t. Look out for emotional manipulation, attention-seeking behavior, any physical/emotional/psychological abuse (which becomes obvious when you realize the person will never accept responsibility for his actions and always places the blame on his partner), and any kind of verbal or emotional dishonesty. If they say one thing but do another, run away as fast as you can. Avoid bad boys: if they have no respect for the law, no respect for authority, no respect for others, then they will ultimately have no respect for you. Lots of women are attracted to bad boys because they’re addicted to that rush, and it makes them feel powerful to believe they can ‘save them.’ (If you’re one of those women, start reading up on codependency and learn to avoid those behaviors). Find a man who takes responsibility for his life and who is stable. Often, the stable men are overlooked because our codependent society tends to glorify the macho men who are more ‘exciting’ but a man who holds down a job and takes responsibility for his own life is a much better bet. True love isn’t the exhilarating relationship depicted in romance novels; it’s much quieter and often appears dull. And if you see even the slightest sign of cruelty, to another person or an animal, then get out now.

Reply May 6, 2015, 5:14 pm


@Kay James. I’ll probably get blasted for this but thank you for all of your intelligent responses. It’s a shame you aren’t in the field anymore. Hard to find practioners with your depth of understanding. Not just saying that out of sisterhood. Would feel the same if a man wrote your inputs and there are some male responses here that are equally wise.
@Reid. I have several family members who are good clinical psychologists, but horrible outside of that realm so I totally understand your perspective. It takes a rare blend of intellect and emotional saavy to be an effective one, and especially important with profiling. Kay seems to be gifted with both.
Glad I stumbled on the article because I found a lot of great reminders from Kay’s posts. Some people can’t fathom what she is writing and I’ll be first to admit that I used to be one of them until I started to get it. To get the truth of what she is sharing with us all for free. Appreciate the posts, thanks.

Reply February 21, 2016, 12:29 pm


Way off base here and very uninspiring article. I actually have not experienced being cheated on so my opinion is not of an embittered person who was cheated on with.

When someone cheats the real reason is that they lack the moral compass, sense of commitment and relationship kills to communicate their needs before restoring to cheating.

So if like you said your ex cheated cause he felt like a loser, the rel reason is that he lacked the relationship communication kills to deal with his dissatisfaction in the relationship not because he felt like a loser. See, if every man who experienced a setback cheated then I would say you were right but this is not true. Many men with a strong moral compass who experience difficulties can refrain from cheating.

Anyway….in my opinion this is a weak article, go back to the drawing board.

Reply March 20, 2015, 12:45 am



Reply April 2, 2015, 8:03 am


No, not really. What many of you females are missing is that men can feel emotionally abandoned as well, which is the accepted excuse for when women cheat. Not all men are dogs, many are seeking respite from a relationship with little to no intimacy. Maybe the fault lies on both sides, but there it is.

Reply November 19, 2015, 11:50 am


I love everything you have to say and I agree with basically everything! Of course there’s a lot more that could be said that is too long to be said in an article and if you leave out anything, people think you’re wrong and they get upset. People have to understand you can’t write EVERYTHING down. Youre just naming a primary reason That is totally correct! I love what you have to say and I agree with everything you do say! Can we please be friends? Haha I can use your wise words in my life!

Reply March 13, 2015, 4:29 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Thank you so much, Andy! I had a feeling this article would attract some heat, but that’s because it’s a touchy subject and I know that full well from my personal experiences. When a guy does something wrong, we want to demonize him and put the blame all on him. This article wasn’t about excusing behavior, it was about explaining it, and I’m glad you were able to see that :)

Reply March 19, 2015, 3:06 pm

Jennifer Jai

This is based on my own experience. This is the platform from where i speak from to address the issue in the article and reflect that on MY experience alone.
The onus is upon both parties to make each other feel like worthy and appreciated partners both investing in their lives together. When a person cheats it is not solely down to them 100%. That person is not in a relationship by themselves and they are not relating to a brick wall.

I grew up watching my mother rant and rage on at my father my whole life. She would moan and whinge about any little thing and expect him to make right all the wrongs in HER world, plus go out and work, pay the bills, fix the house, do the shopping, attend to his fatherly duties, be the family protector and to be a husband. But what fuel does she inject in him to be able to perform all of these duties and feel that he is a worthy husband and father?

My mother’s fuel was criticism, judgements, name-calling, picking fights (sometimes physical), untold drama day in and day out and embarrassing him. Even if he would hug her or want to be affectionate i watched her brush off his advances and run him down. I watched her comments dig into my father and wound his self-esteem and no matter what he did it was never good enough. My father was not a passive man and would hit back but a lot of the time he couldnt match my mother’s speed or have her resevoir of energy to keep going on and on for hours. This drove him out of the house much like the Bible quote about a foolish woman who used her tongue to make her husband sleep on the roof!

A lot of what she complained about she could have dealt with herself. Deep down she was not happy with HERSELF she projected that dissatisfaction upon her husband and wanted him to make her feel good about herself. Her actions and words CAUSED him to feel like a worthless person, husband and father and i watched my father wither and die in the marriage. Then the inevitable happened, he met another woman who was the opposite of my mother.

This is why i know infidelity from my experience is not always a one-way street. It is a street that has many avenues. Remember not every man is strong in his masculine core and not every woman will be strong in her feminine and our self-esteem is affected, for better or worse,by not only our partners but parents and friends. Both parties to the relationship or marriage need to feel loved, respected, cherished and illustrious in what they both bring to the table to uphold the foundation of their union.

This is not a competition but a partnership built upon a strong foundation of trust, love and honesty. But people can be broken down to their core and be weakened and people can act out of character when weakened. Because we as people are not taught how to communicate and to speak from our hearts with compassion to our partners or spouses. Trust-laidened communication is paramount and critical to the survival of a relationship. Feeling safe to open up to one another needs to be taught because it is an under-used skill and one that is vital to the oxygen in a relationship. So i don’t believe…i KNOW that when a person cheats it is not solely down to them 100%.

Reply March 13, 2015, 11:19 am


I think there is a few good points there and it does make you feel good or “better” because it makes men seem heartless. The only problem I have is that “the reason” he cheated was because “he” felt bad for “himself”. So when is it okay to do something that’s not normally okay to do just because you feel sorry for yourself? No one sane does this. The “reason” is not why but a tiny part of the greater why pie and that is the real issue I have with it.

Reply March 12, 2015, 10:25 pm


Sabrina – I understand how wanting to take care of your man when his life is in shambles can make him feel like less of a man. What do you do when he is in a rut, work is slow, his money is tight, he feels like he can’t provide? I insist on paying because I want to take care of him and I want to show I care. We are in this together and I don’t want him to stress. But at the same time I don’t want to push him away by hurting his pride.

Reply March 12, 2015, 12:11 pm

Sabrina Alexis

If your guy is in a rut the best thing to do is support him without solving his issues for him. I know it can be hard as us ladies are natural care-givers and also, when you love someone you want to do everything you can to help them out. However, love also comes in the form of believing in them and knowing that they have the strength and know-how to deal with their problems and this is the kind of love men respond to best. It isn’t a matter of whether you pay for things or not, it’s a matter of how you see him. If you see him as an amazing, competent man, one who can do anything he sets his mind to, then he will feel empowered. If you feel sorry for him and pity him and coddle him, he’ll feel pathetic and will be less motivated. The best thing to do is just love him for who he is and admire and appreciate him for his strengths.

Reply March 19, 2015, 3:05 pm


I’m sorry…but this is an article that is making excuses for male cheaters, and an attempt to make women who are cheated on feel better. Men cheat for many reasons…and though this may be one…it’s not a majority. Most men cheat because, 1. Yes…they’re narcissists. 2. They’re feeling old, insecure about their looks…and they want to know they can conquer a young hot chick still. 3. They are no longer attracted to their spouse or gf, but still have a love for them which is why they haven’t left them. 4. They are no longer attracted to their spouse, but are stuck for whatever reason. etc; money, children, blackmail. 5. He’s bored. 6. Fear of committment. And…yes…there are many more I’m sure.

There are many reasons why a guy cheats. If he’s a chronic cheater and has cheated on all his gf’s, he’s just a pig and doesn’t have respect for relationships or is afraid of committment. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

In this article, cheating because your spouse or gf may be making you feel inadequate is a crock of BS. So, basically….if you rub a guys ego and make him feel good, he won’t make you feel bad by cheating and betraying you. Cheating is wrong and there is no excuse…not ever. You know it’s wrong, they know it’s wrong. A man who cheats is selfish and weak. It’s really that simple.

Reply March 12, 2015, 11:47 am


I was cheating. Not on purpose mind you but I wouldn’t call what I did abuse. You want to know abuse you should have been in some of my relationship the last before this especially.By the time it was done I was so broken even a prostitute wouldn’t have sold as much of theirselves as I did. The time I cheeted my girl had vanished for months no reason and thinking it was over I got with my bestfriend I was dating her when the vanishing girl came on and freaked out. Her friends taunted me saying I was cheating. Urgh not a good thing

Reply April 26, 2015, 9:29 pm


“I was cheating. Not on purpose mind you” …
Only from the mouth, and mind, of a woman.

Reply February 20, 2016, 10:20 am



This is a great article and it does speak truth. I speak from experience this makes perfect sense!
I am looking forward to your book! Congratulations !!!!!

Reply March 12, 2015, 8:24 am


I m in a relationship wit a guy for 2 years hs loving and caring me lots. Daily he will call me on phone and we will talk bt if text him he is not replying saying that msg is not going and now a days he is not caring me as like before we went for tour there he drank and he opens his heart and caring me like a kid. Yesteraday his friends infront of me and him told that he is staring at other girls when i asked he said they are kidding. I really know that he won’t leave me but i m afraid whether he will get interest on other girl pls help me

Reply March 12, 2015, 6:26 am

Mr. Now I Know

These two scenarios really happened to me:
“while he did love and care for me, being with me made him feel like an even bigger loser. The more I tried to “fix” him, the more damaged he felt. The more I did for him, the more useless he felt. The more I tried to make his life easier, the more comfortable he became with his own misery. ”

“You know I don’t understand all that technical stuff, it just makes no sense to me. Can we talk about something else?” Bam, he has officially shut down. He feels like she doesn’t accept the most important part of his life, the thing that makes him feel effective and worthwhile. ”

Why just now post something like this. I should’ve saved my previous relationship. And I did those things quote unquote in this comment box. Anyways this is a humongous help! This can save my next relationships! Thanks Sabrina for the e-mails! Now I KNOW!

Reply March 11, 2015, 9:54 pm

Marah Sta. Maria

Thank you for giving me e-mails. I appreciate it alot. It gives me ideas and insights about those things especially about relationship. Again, thank you I admire you alot for doing this great articles and books. :-)

Reply March 11, 2015, 9:10 pm


My experience is that sexual function problems can lead to cheating. I think it’s understandable that a man should hope that he will ‘perform’ better if only he can find the right person. I let my man come back because I understand that, love him and accept him as he is. It was a valuable experience for me as it confirmed that it was not because of something I had done, or not done. It was a perfectly reasonable, if hurtful and disruptive, guy thing.

Reply March 11, 2015, 8:49 pm


I completely agree with this – almost the exact same situation happened to me and near the end I treated my man like he owed me extra love, and extra affection and that the relationship wasn’t good enough for me. The fact that I did so much for him made me feel unappreciated when he couldn’t reciprocate in the ways I expected him to. I didn’t want dinners or money, I wanted him to love me more. I couldn’t help showing my disappointment in the relationship I was getting – even going so far as calling him a loser when we fought. So he began looking for positive attention elsewhere. I found emails and text messages to women he new, young and old, pretty and ugly. It didn’t matter where it came from, he just needed to feel like he was loved and not being judged. In the end I am so happy we ended things and that I learned so much from that relationship. Today I am with a fabulous man who I trust and who is my equal partner.

Reply March 11, 2015, 7:39 pm


This hit it right on the head! I learned this a long time and I am happy in a successful relationship with a wonderful man now because of the advice that I was given by my very good male friends who also express this in terms of what men need from a woman in a relationship. I remember a long time ago on the Oprah Winfrey show she had a couple who were trying to work past his infidelity and she asked the husband what was his reasons for cheating and he said something to the fact of it was the way his wife made him feel (key word). She always shut him down, complained about everything, he was never good enough etc., yet she couldn’t understand why he strayed. So it does come down to how we women make a man feel about himself or the relationship. I’m sorry, the truth hurts.

Reply March 11, 2015, 5:47 pm


I am a 62 year old woman. I appreciate the wisdom you have at your early age. Even at my age I am still learning therefore I feel you have provided me with important reminders. I must confess that I don’t agree with this completely. Very sadly I am going through losing my sister to cancer. I read and check my messages as a form of distraction from my sadness. Compounding this is my logs distance relationship with a man who I have found out to be a deceitful self absorbed scum. At this time of suffering he is chatting with other women and at one point willing to meet someone for coffee. He slways said how much he loved me and how I ALWAYS make him feel like a man and how perfect I am for him. I had to cancel my plans to visit him due to my sisters illness and he is taking this very traumatic heart wrenching time to fill his own needs. I said to him this morning I love you with suddenly no words of love in return emotionally distant because he is not getting his way, my visit to him during this time. I can’t express how betrayed and do very alone at this time when I need the man who I thought loved me. You tell me I say selfish scumbag.

Reply March 11, 2015, 3:17 pm


You stay making crappy articles that excuse men.

In reality these men are emotionally unavailable and need therapy.

Reply March 11, 2015, 2:57 pm


I totally agree with this comment…..they are usually arrogant self-absorbed jerks….and do need help from a counselor.

Reply March 11, 2015, 3:05 pm

Sabrina Alexis

While I respect your opinion, I want to point out that hating or blaming men is not going to get you anywhere. it serves no positive purpose in your life and will block you from getting the kind of love you want. Nowhere in this article did I say cheating is acceptable or excusable. I wasn’t justifying, I was explaining the primary reason why men cheat. I could do a similar article on why women cheat. Women also cheat because they aren’t getting certain needs met in a relationship. When a man fulfills those emotional needs, she’s less likely to stray. That doesn’t mean men need to “bend over backwards” to please a woman, it means that everyone has certain core needs and for a relationship to be healthy and mutually fulfilling, both people need to communicate openly and honestly. Most women don’t realize how important it is for a man to feel like a winner and that’s why it gets overlooked. Knowing that it’s important arms you with knowledge that helps you have a better relationship overall and that is a good thing!

Reply March 11, 2015, 3:59 pm



1. Who is hating or blaming men? I’m being honest and you are being unrealistic.

2. You are BLAMING women for the actions of men and why they got cheated on. You offer no accountability for men. It’s sad how you pander to cheaters. There are great men who don’t chest or behave this way because they have their emotions in check and are secure.

Reply March 11, 2015, 8:08 pm


While I understand what you are saying about feeling useless and essentially redundant creating a headspace where a man feels he needs to go elsewhere to feel better about himself, I think some men actually thrive on those feelings as it enables them to continue to ‘play victim’ . Speaking from my relationship, where he cheated with numerous women, which shocked everyone given how lazy he was. For 5 years I was the one working to cover the bills, I did all the housework, the cooking, the driving (he had no license), He stayed at home, and unless it involved a keyboard or joystick he was not really interested in doing it. Up until this point he had not even purchased his own clothes, having always had someone else who would baby him by doing it. .. got to love learned helplessness! Anyway, eventually I got pregnant and was going to need to take some time off. My pregancy was considered very high risk and I was told I could be put off work at a moments notice. So ‘Mr Wonderful’ had to get off his arse and get a job….. which he didn’t take seriously, not even after he heard the Drs tell me the babies and my lives were potentially at risk.
One night coming home from work at midnight ( I was working crazy hours….. do an overnight shift, come home, shower, eat go to my day job) get home, cook dinner, have a nap, go to a dinner shift, get home about midnight, sleep etc, then some nights I would be on an overnight active night (sleep but get woken frequently get home in the morning, go to main job), even worked split shifts on the weekend). Anyway I digress, one night on way home, needed fuel, saw a job vacancy (paartner was unskilled) made him call up when I got home as I told the manager who was duty he would call that morning). He got the job, so now I was running him to work also. At this point I told him he needed a license as there was no way I would be able to pick him up and drop him off all the time due to conflict with my work. So he got a license eventually, and when I purchased a new car, he took the one I had been driving. As he gained more responsibility so to speak, he got selfish with his money… wouldn’t contribute to the household which I expected and was the idea behind him getting the job so that we had income when I couldnt work. Long story short, his ‘independence’ resulted in him moving out when our son was 6 months old. He says to learn to look after himself, I say he had a tantrum because the baby was taking my time as he refused to help out and get up and do feeds through the night, change bottoms etc. So its not always because they feel redundant, Seven years later, I am pleased to say, while he recently married, he is back to being unemployed and has been since he left pretty much.

Reply March 11, 2015, 9:48 pm


Well it is unfair that a man CHEATS because he doesn’t feel like a winner, yet every action he has is like a loser, including the cheating. He wants you to lick his butt and co-sign him being a loser many times. I am a very strong yet nurturing women. I have encountered close relationships where men were great BFs (Romantically) but when it came to being responsible men, they acted as though the world owed them a living and had no issue living off of women..Well you can bet when I got tired of it, and I suppose I “MADE” them feel like losers (What were they anyways?) they certainly cheated on me with women who “understood” this loser behavior of men who didn’t want to grow up and wanted Mommy’s/ATMs. It’s not our jobs to “make” men into big babies by kissing their butt and catering to their every whiny whim. Then sit and pray he doesn’t cheat. We are the PRIZE and it is these desperate women that make men cheat on real good women. When man finds a wife , he finds a good thing!!!

Reply March 13, 2015, 4:47 am


Asia, that may be true but maybe it’s the men that YOU are choosing. Not every man is emotionally unavailable and yes we women do need to learn what it is that we may be doing wrong also. It can’t always be their fault. It takes two to tangle. We always want to blamme them and yet not look into the mirror also.

Reply March 11, 2015, 5:50 pm


I never said ALL MEN.

Can you read. I’m talking about men who cheat just like this article is.

I like how you tried to reverse and make this about me but this is a fail. Stick to the topic and read better.

I’m trying to help you understand that men don’t cheat for these stupid ass reasons That ultimately fall back on women.

Reply March 11, 2015, 8:11 pm


You go ahead and blame yourself for being cheated on. Like you had the power to make your man’s pens magically end up in another woman.

My word what a sad bunch.

Reply March 11, 2015, 8:13 pm

Lorie Shioban


Your comments come off as extremely aggressive and negative. Take a few steps back, and take them preferably out of your own shoes. Open your mind to a different perspective for a moment. My goodness! Not to be ugly, but with that attitude, I’d cheat on you too! (Yes I know you said nothing about your personal experience, but i can guarantee quite a few men have dealt you a bad card or several. You can lie online, and to yourself, but your subconscious knows what’s really up) The men you speak of in your post may in fact NOT be emotionally unavailable and/or need therapy. As Sabrina stated in the referenced article; he cheated and left her to be IN a RELATIONSHIP with the woman he cheated on her with. So emotionally unavailable? Clearly he was NOT.

Something every woman should understand; a man is wired to be the provider and protector. He’ll never be OK in any relationship until he’s secure in that he’s able to produce just that. Where we as women sometimes make the mistake, is when we try to nurse them back to where we feel they’ve reached their potential. We’ve stripped him of his manhood. But we/me/you just wanted to help right? And there is NOTHING wrong with that! For the most part, that is just how the wonderful female is wired. Nurturing by nature. . And what a truly amazing quality we have. BUT, there’s a time and circumstance to be all things savior. A man wants to feel like he’s worked hard to obtain what he’s acquired. He wants you as his suport system, NOT his supportER. A man looks at a woman as the key to his drive, ambition, and motivation to be all things great. He wants you proud of him, so when he comes home telling you about a deal he’s closed, a couch he’s sold, or a gig he’s booked; listen, engage, be the proud gf or wife. You find him broke? Don’t try and “fix” him. Allow him to be a man and fix himself. You sit on the sideline and cheer for him if he’s worth it TO YOU.

I may be speaking out of turn, but I believe in short that is all Sabrina was trying to convey. A simple encouraging article to help others that may be in a similar situation. An insight to change courses if you’re in this space, or have been. Words that say HEY! It’s not you, it’s him, and here’s 1 of the million reasons why it may have happened. So if you see the signs, you know which road to take. I mean, is it that difficult for some of you (mainly you Asia) to comphrehend?

Question: is it going to kill you? Kill you to see him happy? Excited about an opportunity? Excited to come to YOU and express his current happiness? Why can’t you put aside YOU for a moment to indulge him? Really ask yourself that question. And think, is that really “bending over backwards”. And if you find yourself answering yes… Good luck being assanine Asia, because that attitude my dear will get you absolutely nowhere. And I feel sad for you.

I, like Sabrina, can go into detail about what we as women need from men to sustain SUCESS in a relationship. But I have a feeling you have an obscured view and understanding of what that may be .

And P.S… A man will only suck you dry if YOU ALLOW it. Be smart in who YOU choose to give your time, energy, and by reading some of the comments I guess I should add finacial gaines to. If YOU choose to invests in someones potential, and wait 5 years to realize there is none, pick up a mirror and the reflection starring back is the one you’ll need to converse with.

Sidenote: Asia, your negativity ozes from your key board to your comments. All I think is, this woman must be really miserable, amongst several other things I’ll refrain from stating. I believe in lifting one another, not tearing each other down. Especially not because of an opponionized article . It’s OK to agree to disagree. But your harsh remarks are projections of self. Remember that okay? And if Sabrina, in your opinion, continuously “spews crap” as you put it. I have a very simple suggestion. Don’t come back to read the “crap” she puts out. Lol. Not only are you reading it! You’re commenting on it! Do you know how many clicks this site gets on a daily vs the comments?! I’m assuming in the if not in, close to the millions. Take your negativity over to “Baggage Claim” and grace the readers with your little miss sunshine act.

As crazy as it may sound, I hope some part of what I’ve stated hits home, and you find a peace of mind, and set your intentions to be… Better

Reply March 12, 2015, 12:58 am


Lorie, what a great breakdown of things you gave. Beautiful words, I read with pleasure. And of course, Sabrina and her advice are the best.

March 14, 2015, 2:45 am


You seem like you have the plethora of all knowledge on here and know everything about why relationships work or don’t. Every comment I have seen so far you have male bashed a guy on here. Did you have a bad childhood or a bad breakup with a guy and get cheated on and can’t get over it now?

Reply April 21, 2015, 9:40 pm


Women can be just as emotionally unavailable and in need of therapy. Women cheat too and for all the same reasons men do. Get off you high horse.

Reply November 19, 2015, 11:52 am


You give such good insight to relationships. I have always enjoy reading your email. Thank you. ????

Reply March 11, 2015, 2:55 pm


I have read your articles for over a yr. My guy is over 50 and we have a lot in common…but he will.suddenly pull away and I will find he is on dating sites and sex dating sites..then he lies and says he’s not. Why is this going on. I appreciate him and believe in him I own my own home and am self employed and make decent money and I am not insecure. We have ‘dated’ over 3 yrs and he broke it off once said it was money but it was to hook up with a woman friend of his..he lied about that too….I am at the end now…just doing some no contact only when needed..wish I could give you the whole story so you would be able to help me entirely….In the past I made mistakes ….reading your articles have helped alot…very much. would you kindly shed some light on this please. Thank you

Reply March 11, 2015, 2:46 pm


Janice – we should talk

Reply April 21, 2015, 5:01 pm


I agree, the guy loves me and all still cheated on me, I was crushed and wasn’t ready to accept he loved me because the fact remained he cheated.. It does sound crazy but I gave us one more chance with just being friends and since the. Things are way better than before.. And yes now I see how he flunking his exams and some other problems could easily have been a reason.. I don’t still justify what he did because it broke my heart to pieces but I’m glad I gave us a chance and things are better now..

Reply March 11, 2015, 2:42 pm


The problem with this article is that it puts the onus on the woman to ‘make him feel like a winner’. This just perpetuates the cycle of making women feel they have somehow failed.

When a man (or a woman) cheats, the responsibility for it lies 100% on their own shoulders. It is a sign of emotional immaturity and inability to deal with their own stresses and internal conflicts. That is a reflection on them, not on the person they cheat on.

If there are problems or stresses within a relationship, it is the responsibility of both partners to work on them. If one or the other cannot, then the honourable thing to do is end the relationship. Cheating is the coward’s way out.

Reply March 11, 2015, 1:44 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Yes, I fully agree with you and I said in the article it isn’t excusable. And I agree that it shouldn’t fall entirely on the woman and that is not what I was saying. Everyone is responsible for their own emotional wellbeing, both men and women. I was just trying to point to the most essential need for a man in a relationship, and how a woman can give it to him (the rest is of course up to him). Women also have fundamental needs in a relationship and I don’t think any woman would say it’s fine for a guy to just put nothing in and not even try to give her what she needs because that’s her job. It’s true that it goes both ways. And both partners need to be able to communicate openly and honestly in order for a healthy, happy, mutually fulfilling relationship to develop.

Reply March 11, 2015, 1:56 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Yes, I am in a healthy, happy, mutually fulfilling relationship with a man who would never cheat or ever do something to intentionally hurt me. I don’t think cheating is ever okay, it’s violating and has devastating effects, something I learned from being cheated on. I was not saying I think it’s right, I was just explaining what leads men to that place. This isn’t true of all men, a good man would never cheat on his girl even if he did feel like a huge loser. The point of this article was to give insight into male psychology, it explained what leads men to do something so horrible and also pointed to the overriding male desire to feel like a winner, something most women don’t even realize.

Reply March 19, 2015, 3:12 pm

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