What is the best way to handle this with dignity and class?


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  • #590259 Reply
    Jamie

    Sophie, I think it’s hysterical that these women are going on about how you’re too emotionally invested while writing novels to you about what is wrong with you and why everyone is justified in being mean to you. For people who preach not becoming emotionally invested in someone you went on three dates with, they’re awfully invested in a thread on the internet with a total stranger.

    Someone said “Mean Girls.” Totally. Like those so-called friends in HS that would degrade and be mean to you and tell you it was for your own good or otherwise you’d be a total dork.

    Those girls never really grew up, they just came on here.

    #590263 Reply
    Annonymous2

    Alrightie then Sophe…. you’re right and anyone who disagrees with you is wrong. So there is your support. Case closed. Let’s all move on.

    #590265 Reply
    L

    Yay! Case solved! Let’s move it on!

    #590270 Reply
    sophie

    LOL. I keep posting for as long as people argue with me. I have taken a day off work for grief, and it’s keeping me busy and my mind of things with more consequence. The real question is…why are you posting?!

    I mean, I have an emotional investment in this and this is about me and not you, and so there is motivation for me to keep talking about it. What baffles me is people who come here, give “advice”, which is seen by me (and others) as unwelcome and unhelpful, but still persist to post the same thing over and over again when it’s obvious the thread’s purpose is for someone seeking help, you have been told directly by the person you are supposedly trying to “help” that your’re not helping at all and only making her feel worse – and yet you you keep doing it. An I am the stubborn one?

    What do you get out of continuing to “help” someone in a way they have told you is having the opposite effect? I think maybe some sense of superiority over making someone feel worse.

    Kim, again, you are totally twisting words.

    He said he wanted a relationship and was dating for that purpose. I said I did not do casual sex. As soon as we had sex he changed his tune and said he wanted casual sex when I had clearly said there was no way I wanted that. Like Nat said, this is entrapment. I did not create a story in my head you nasty woman – I was explict and had multiple very detailed conversations about expectations.

    I do not think for one second he said he wanted a relationship WITH ME, again you are trying to twist my expectation for basic honesty into me being desperate and needy. Dating exists for the purpose of discovering whether not you want a relationship. I did not even know if I wanted a relationship with him or not. What I did know, was that I don;t have sex with anyone who is screwing other women at the same time.

    I do not expect anyone to be exclusive after a few dates. I expect them to be exclusive if we are sleeping together. 99.9999% of women feel the same. My boundary, and he can take or leave it.

    The hilarious thing about all this is that if I came on here and said, oh this guy told me he liked casual dating but now I am with him and he won’t commit – you would say “you stupid woman, why did you not listen to what he said”.

    If I had come on here and said that I had been dating a guy and having sex while he was havign sex with other women you would say, “oh you stupid woman, why would you degrade yourself to accept that.

    the simple fact with some of the women on here, is that I cannot win. No matter what I did or do or did not do you would crticise and try and make it my fault because it makes you feel better to put other people down.

    If you knew anything about grief, you would know that people project anger onto anything around them after a loss. The kind of insensitive fool who would accuse someone of using their grief as an excuse for how they lacks even the most basic empathy.

    Kim, I am sorry but reading your post you are genuinely a disgusting person. You come on here, and speak to a bureaved person and call them crazy for being upset about being treated badly by someone they trusted when they were at their lowest. You speak to a person who has just been lied to after treating someone really nicely and doing nothing wrong and say “no wonder he ran from the hills from you” when it is pointledly obvious this guy is a lying jerk to try and blame me for someone else’s bad behavior. What kind of person does what you just did? do you also kick puppies?

    I am a good honest person. He is not. I ran FROM HIM if you recall the actual details. Not the other way around. And I am well rid of him.

    #590271 Reply
    kaye

    Sophie,

    I am sorry for what you are going through right now with the death of your friend. I do think it has alot to to do with your reaction to this situation. I think you feel like your friend never had the chance to enjoy her life and be loved and she was somehow “cheated” out of that. And I think deep down you probably feel that way too with the death of your fiance.

    But some of the things you are saying here just don’t make sense. And if you are going to successfully date and find the right guy you have got to change your mindset a little. Your response to me earlier “Kaye -yes, I do think he is putting his intimacy issues on me. At date one he was crazy about me, saying he could not sleep he was so excited and how it felt different with me to any other girl. At date 2 he was saying he wanted to see other people.” Did you sleep with him even after he told you he wanted to date over people or did he not say that until after? If you haven’t agreed to be sexually exclusive with a man then DON”T SLEEP WITH HIM!! You want to make him out to be the bad guy and not take any responsibility for your own actions. That’s not a healthy attitude…to play the victim. I am hoping you don’t normally feel this way but the recent events in your life has you feeling down and like life isn’t fair. We all have those moments. In the end we can only control our own actions. You slept with a man who had not agreed to be exclusive with you.

    And I agree with your comment to me that “a healthy person does not know in 6 or 8 hours of time with a person if they are “the one”. ” You are absolutely right. But then you can also understand that it is possible to know within that time if they are NOT “the one.” I have had one date with a guy and immediately known he wasn’t the guy for me. And if this guy says you’re too intense for him then why can’t you just take that with a grain of salt and move on from this? You aren’t a victim here. When you meet a guy online who tells you he is looking for a relationship and after the first date he is so excited to have met you he STILL barely knows you. He may want a relationship but he doesn’t know if he wants one WITH YOU. Your anger at this man doesn’t match what happened. I am going to chalk that up to your state of mind with your friend’s death. But you have got to take some ownership in this course of events and you won’t. You readily admit you slept with a man on a second date that is 10 years older, out of shape, balding, arthritic, not funny or interesting to talk to and quite cold. Why in the Hell would you do that? Did you feel sorry for him? It just makes no sense. You do still need to work on yourself before you continue dating. And if you can’t see that then I’m sorry. But the fact you can’t admit you made a mistake and did something stupid and fell for this guy’s lines or whatever but what to put all the blame on him isn’t normal. And you ignored the biggest red flag of all which is a 47 year old who has never been married or in a serious relationship. Wake up or you’re going to keep finding yourself in this mess!!!

    #590274 Reply
    Kim

    I’m disgusting? You are sicko.. go seek help from real professionals. You are out of control and the biggest drama queeen I’ve seen on here in quite a while! @L is correct! Case solved and this is a dead end thread.

    #590277 Reply
    sophie

    Sure Kaye, thank you for the response that was not bitchy and did not twist facts.

    Yes I agree you can know someone is NOT the one in 8 hours, but I don’t think you should tell someone you only want casual sex AFTER you sleep with them, I am sorry, I think every person has a right to honest information before sex. And I also think you should not try and sext someone and then insult them unnecessarily when they are going through something painful, that is why I am upset – because he was so rude and uncalled for after he already acted like a jerk when we were dating. I hope you can understand that!

    Yes, I agree I DID make a mistake having sex with him when he had not explicitly said we were exclusive and I DID make a mistake dating someone who was 47 with a dating history so poor. Those are actually my mistakes, and you are right, I own those. I was extremely misled though. I am not a crazy person, I now how he acted and what he said and I am extremenly careful to avoid players.

    Why did I date him? Well I did not know he was not funny and interesting -I thought perhaps he was quiet. What drew me to him was his education in an area of interest to me, and he was intelligent and thoughtful on issues I cared about. He also lost his sister a few years ago, so he had talked to me in detail about that pain and we bonded over the pain of my fiances passing. So yes, I thought in my mind I had met a genuine person who had genuine intentions. I was definitely not expecting what I got.

    #590278 Reply
    Pip

    Maybe you should go work on finding a suitable funeral outfit? For someone taking a day off for grieving you are just wastibg time on here over hashing stupid details about a few dates with a guy. Stop making excuses and take control of your life.

    #590279 Reply
    Annonymous2

    This would be hilarious if it weren’t so pathetic.

    #590280 Reply
    Lol

    Dignified and classy? Ain’t seen no dignified and classy coming from yo mama! Yo a stubborn be atch…lol

    #590281 Reply
    sophie

    Yes Kim, you are genuinely disgusting. I’d never dream in a billion years of going on a website and saying the things that you just said to a stranger who was in pain. I think you’re lacking basic human decency and should stay away from public forums because people like you could actually cause a lot of damage.

    Jamie…exactly!!!

    THIS…

    Sophie, I think it’s hysterical that these women are going on about how you’re too emotionally invested while writing novels to you about what is wrong with you and why everyone is justified in being mean to you. For people who preach not becoming emotionally invested in someone you went on three dates with, they’re awfully invested in a thread on the internet with a total stranger.

    Kaye just demonstrated REALLY well how it is possible to argue with someone, give a different point of view and HONEST and HELPFUL advice which might be hard to hear but is also meant well, given in the right spirit and has a point.

    The majority of the repeated posters on here do not give advice in that way – the majority have been insulting, hurtful, untruthful, twisted facts and words around to suit their own agenda and seem to genuinely hate women!!!!

    All they do is bully. they come on here with the sole purpose of trying to make someone feel crapppy. I was actually just criticised for not letting someone have sex with me while he had sex with other people. It is borderline Jerry Springer in here.

    #590285 Reply
    Pip

    And you are ridiculous arguing with a bunch of strangers on the internet and posting all the sordid details and text messages with this guy. You wanna be right ? Your right! Lol… omg.. go find a man on your dating site already and argue with him. You are way too intense. The man was right!

    #590286 Reply
    Ryan

    Bravo Sophie. You taught us all how to show dignity and respect. Can we end this nightmare thread and let you move on with your grieving?

    #590291 Reply
    sophie

    Pip – your arguing with strangers too – albeit about a situation that doesnt even concern you.

    Ryan – sure, stop posting?!!!! I am not asking anyone to, but if they write, I respond

    #590293 Reply
    sophie

    you will note…I sorted out the situation in question 3 pages ago but for some reason people keep on posting to insult me after the problem was already resolved.

    Too much time on their hands maybe.

    #590294 Reply
    Ryan

    Lol
    Your like Pavlov’s dog. Someone writes and you MuST respond back! This is fun now. How many pages can you make this with a woman who has to have the last word? That’s dignity and respect for you… hahha

    #590295 Reply
    Jen

    Ok.. this is turning into a mike thread. Nothing else to really say. The topic is getting old and too many other women on here want help. Have a good day OP.

    #590296 Reply
    sophie

    Ryan – it’s MY thread. Why would I not respond to each post? LOL. You are really scraping the barrel for insults here when you criticise a person for responding to posts directed to her on her own thread.

    And you might want to google what Pavlovs dog means because that made no sense! Pavlovs dog is when you respond to nothing out of habit. I am responding to posts, not to imaginary ones.

    #590297 Reply
    Pip

    Pavlov’s dog means he hears the bell go ding and associates it with a trained behavior to the sound…
    maybe you should school up instead of beating yourself up over the three date wonder.

    #590299 Reply
    Annonymous2

    Rules of this thread:

    Sophie enjoys being totally at the mercy of anyone who speaks to her. And when they don’t meet her standards she gets to pitch a fit and be totally right all the time. She has no free will, she just reacts and there is nothing she can do about it as she will be quick to point out.

    Who wants to play with Sophie? Who wants to date Sophie? She will keep up the game forever, you will never be bored.

    #590300 Reply
    Pip

    This certainly confirms what the guy said about her being too intense! He might be a jerk or not, but he can at least read people.

    #590303 Reply
    sophie

    Yes, the dog responds to something it thinks is coming – which is

    actually not coming. I am responding to actual posts directed at me, so exactly as I said – not the same thing and the analogy makes absolutely no sense.

    Geezo…so here is what we have…

    I am crazy
    I deserved it
    I need to go to school
    I need therapy
    I am a liar

    You guys are trolls.

    You should feel a lot of shame! Maybe you are just not sued to people answering back to your bullying. I think trolls love that don’t they? anonymity of the internet, not a lot of courage required to run your mouth of at a stranger.

    Still shameful

    #590306 Reply
    L

    You DID get something out of this! These bullets are perfect! Xxx

    #590312 Reply
    Helen

    Sophie I am sorry for your loss. It’s understandable that emotions are intensely magnified during this period and no wonder it upset you to have this man try and manipulate you and then insult you.

    Of course you came across an insecure man, and a man who plays women. Internet dating is full of these damaged men and it us lucky you found out early! All you can do is try and be honest and set out with an open mind and then walk away if you get disappointed. You did the right thing.

    Some of the posts here are very cruel.

    #590314 Reply
    sophie

    Thank you Helen, and to all who were helpful and supportive or who gave reasonable advice. I have ignored the others, don’t worry. Mainly little kids with a keyboard and no friends probably.

    I am not going to post on here anymore now, and won;t use the site again. Sorry a forum like this is abused in this way. I am sure a lot of people come looking for comfort and wisdom walk away feeling worse. But I guess whatever floats people’s boat!

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