Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me post image

Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me

I’ve been in an open relationship for the past two years and lately my boyfriend seems to have lost interest in sex. He is always saying he is too tired or busy. I try to be patient and understanding because we both have stressful jobs, but it has been two months. Whenever I bring up the topic he accuses me of only wanting sex as if that is the only thing that would make me happy. He still tells me he loves me and we still hang out, but I always feel miserable in the end. I don’t know what to do anymore, why isn’t he sexually attracted to me like he used to be and how do I fix it?

It could be one of a few things…

1) He’s really stressed and overwhelmed by his life… you’d know if that’s the case or not…

2) He’s lost interest in you sexually, but still loves you as a person…

If it’s #1, then give him the space to work out his problem. Know that it’s his own issues that are the problem, not you.

MORE: Ask a Guy- My Boyfriend Lost His Job and Lost Interest in Having Sex

If it’s #2, then make a friendly break from the relationship. He’d probably like to still be friends, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t working anymore as a relationship.

Either way… you’re in an open relationship. For one thing, he may be getting his sexual needs met by someone else, that’s just the nature of this kind of arrangement. Also, men have a funny habit of stepping up their game when they think they could lose a woman they really like to another man.

So get back out there meeting other guys. Instead of fixating on this relationship where you’re getting less and less, go out and look for something that will fulfill you.

If your guy wants to keep you, he’ll get his act together and step up his game to keep you. If he isn’t that interested in you anymore, then he’ll let you go (he’ll actually be relieved to let you go) and if that’s the case, then that’s still a win for you – you’ll end up with a guy who’s a better match for you instead of one who seems to be lacking interest.

Finally, a really helpful thing to look at in a relationship is how you feel about yourself while you’re in it. I noticed you signed your letter as “Miserable” – do you feel miserable in the relationship for the most part? If so, that might be the biggest sign saying that it’s time to walk away.

MORE: 5 Signs He’s Not The One

Not all relationships are written in gold – some people are better as friends and some people are bad matches altogether. Just because you feel a certain pull towards someone doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you.

Take some time to really consider what, if anything, you’re getting out of this relationship and if it really truly is worth your time and energy. If you decide to keep investing your energy into this relationship then that’s fine, but just remember that this energy could be used to find and attract a relationship that is actually what you want and has you feeling happy and inspired, rather than anxious and miserable.

Hope this helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

17 comments… add one

Leave Your Comment Now...


So I know he is not cheating on me and that he does love me everything seems good life is a little stressful and had been for a couple of months but sex has stopped maybe once a month and it doesn’t last more than five min he says it’s stress and he just doesn’t put sex as a priority but it used to not be a problem we have been together for two years please help

Reply August 28, 2019, 9:04 am


whoops meant to say snooped on his phone and email and bank statements

Reply August 7, 2017, 12:04 am


my boyfriend for 3 years we live together has lost interested in our love making deep about a year ago. that is the time I started thinking something is up so I snoozed his phone and email and bank statements and found out he has cheated but with a trans. and than with a gay guy. he denies it, says he loves me and cries when I say to him I am done. yet he still won’t make love to me avoids it why

Reply August 7, 2017, 12:03 am

Jordan Smith

Hey Nessa,

I’m a 35 year old male. I’m familiar with sex addictions, homosexuality and gynosexuality, agoraphilia, etc. Whatever word one wants to use to classify your partners sexual identity is beside the point. I am not going to focus on the infidelity, but rather the actions and motives.

The point here is that whether he is experimenting sexually or not, he is likely attracted to women, men and transgender women.

He does not have a socially acceptable heterosexual desire for intimacy. This is a reality, but his attraction for you as a woman is unchanged. He does desire women. However, his attraction for you as a woman who once represented a sexual thrill as a new fresh sexual experience may have passed. He is likely a sex addict and struggles with intimacy beyond the inital thrilling stages of fresh sex with a new partner.

Sex addicts often seek a new thrill. Like drug addicts seek a heavier dose.

The best thing you can do is have open communication with him but without scaring him away. Tell him you saw the emails, but that instead of hating him and shaming him, you want to talk about it. It’s very likely that he experienced sexual abuse in child hood and repairing that is extremely difficult.

If he’s willing to talk about it, perhaps the two of you can find a sexual approach that brings pleasure to you both in the room. If not, you can part ways mutually. Let me be straight forward, therapy is a strenuous process. Life is short. Is the love that both of you share worth that process?? If it is, go for it and give it all you have. If not, peace be with you and part ways.

Just my 2 cents. Hope that was helpful.

Reply September 10, 2018, 4:06 am


I always wondered if I was the only woman asking her boyfriend for sex.. it’s our 4 year anniversary on saturday.. and since this relationship started im always the one asking for sex. He constantly masterbates. I weigh about 129 I lost 45 pounds for him because he’s into petite girls. Atleast thats what his porn history indicates. So now I’m pissed off wondering if he is attracted to me or if he’s just using me .. what do I do? How do I start this conversation with him

Reply November 2, 2016, 10:11 pm


Is there a reason #3 that can be offered? I had a vastly different reason: it was to not be presumptuous that marriage was in the future until all signs lined up, and the wedding night were to happen. I say this from a Christian standpoint. Not only did I want to limit it to “If the Lord wills, we will do this or that.” Sex is a “point of no return” that changes everything. If I but mention on the side, I have been keeping my virginity and had I done otherwise, it’s such a big secret I wouldn’t like having to keep from my folks who trust me — in other words, my aversion to living a double life. Doing what she wanted to do, all she wanted short of sex (y’know, short of anything opening-to-opening) was enough of a life “snuck around” behind the backs of parents in both families. In a dry hump of her initiation (it always was), there were times I’d express worry that others could see and get an idea and spread a rumor, or we could lose parents’ trust. She would say things to attempt assuring me that no one would catch sight of dry humps and/or that I needed to trust that she’d stop whenever she wanted. I remember a time of her saying in a mad tone “well that’s fine… since you’re not comfortable doing that…” followed by a silent treatment of sorts. I remember a different time, when the only way she’d stop is that I point out she clearly “cared just about ONE thing” [to happen to her the rest of her life]. Resenting I said that was not the optimal reaction, but it at least made her stop! And yes, it even happened after I asked what was #1 in her life and got the Sunday School response “God.”

So I ask: is this a normal thing among women — Christian women, at that? Should I expect that of a woman, no matter how Christian, and trust that it’s an attempt to please me, flowing from the goodness of her heart — and thus just a typical female “wish he could READ my MIND” situation? Was it an “improper” way to handle her badgering when I said she “cared just about ONE thing”? Is there something in there that I was failing to understand about the female mind?

Reply July 29, 2016, 4:49 am


What does that stand for? Just curious, lol…

Reply October 18, 2015, 11:02 am


Ive read plenty of ” my bf no longer wants sex” but my suffering is he has never wanted it. He is everything a women can want and love but just for this one thing. when we first met he acted like he was sexual, now four years later I realized I initiated it and he responded kind of. as time went on I had conversations with him about why doesnt he touch me? fast forward four years later and he just is not interested in sex, and does not desire to do anything about it including pleasing me orally at least. I want to leave relationship since we are technically friends but its hard since I do care about him. what do I do?

Reply March 26, 2015, 11:19 pm


He’s most likely gay sweetheart.

Reply October 18, 2015, 10:59 am

Jordan Smith

Kristin and Karen –

Mosr likely gay is a possibility, but it’s very foolish to jump to that conclusion.

Karen, the only way you’ll ever know what’s going on is if he tells you.

Confront him. If you don’t get the abswer you want, then leave.

Reply September 10, 2018, 4:13 am

Casey Thomas

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years. He knows my thoughts, respects me and loves me deeply. I know that because he’s affectionate, kisses and holds me, never spends time out of the house in parts unknown….no sex addictions or other women.
7 year itch or whatever, he said to just be natural and it will come back around. It’s hard to want someone physically and the intimacy. I don’t and won’t cheat ever. I’ll wait but it’s a really difficult position that I believe is unique. He said he doesn’t think about it like it used to….and I’m not breaking up with him so maybe it will come back around.

Reply March 25, 2015, 8:16 pm


What if you just do not like sex and just want a close relationship that does not involve it :/.

Reply March 22, 2015, 8:34 am

Casey Thomas

Is there the remotest possibility of low testosterone?

Reply March 25, 2015, 8:17 pm


He isn’t interested in sex because you have an open relationship. Why should he invest his energy in a woman who is keeping her options open.
The author gives “advice”, that you should get back on the dating scene. Lol – if you can’t figure out the reason for the present problem, how can another flavor suddenly fix the issues you’re having. You don’t throw parts at an engine, you troubleshoot what caused the malfunction in the first place

Reply March 19, 2015, 10:40 am


He always has a exscuse why he doesent want to have sex with me and most of the time i only want to satisfie him and don’t worried about. satisfieing me

Reply November 6, 2014, 12:05 am


Haha only if you can be bothered reading…
So I’m Wondering about this guy, when we first met we were 13 in High School, he’s complimented me over the years and stood up for me in some kind of way, and also touched me once, and also chatted very few times. And now we are 16.

Okay now i have been known to be the shy, quiet, unpopular girl, and he is like the popular, loud, outgoing guy
Alright… the things i have noticed is that every Athletics that i’ve had he has always stared/looked at me, eg: This year he would look over at me a lot from a distance on the field, he would look then look away then look and then look away… but never approach or talk to me. but never look at me up close, i pretend to look at him because im not into the staring haha,
Also his friend told my friends that he liked me and i asked my friend to tell him if he liked me in any way, and he replied with a no. So if his friend was “joking?” then i dont know why they would of made it up about me and nobody else. He’s had girlfriends over the past but they were popular and outgoing they didn’t last long.

Also i think i noticed him smile at me when we were walking past to change classes and he was alone at the time, and seen him from far away looking at me in a crowd, and maybe i have seen his feet pointing in my direction too. Thing is he is loud in class and asks a lot of questions he sits at the back with his friends, and “tries to be funny” but i have always known him to be like this. like i have always thought he was the shy guy because he’s not doing anything but since he’s doing all this then… i have no clue.

It’s like he’s stopped of given up? and why isn’t he like giving me a chance? or talking to me? But honestly i just don’t know what’s going on right now… i kinda wanna know, and im confused So hmm is there a sign that he likes me…?

Reply March 31, 2014, 7:21 am


My situation is the same, minus the open relationship part. My boyfriend for 2.5 years lost interest in sex pretty steadily about a year and a half ago and it has got to the point where we haven’t has sex in close to 3 months. I ask him why he doesn’t want sex and he says he doesn’t NEED it. He says I still turn him on and he loves me heaps but sex doesn’t seem to be important any more

Reply March 26, 2014, 6:36 am

Leave a Comment

Recent Relationship Forum Activity


Sign up for our
free newsletter
and get a free chapter
of our book,"He's Not
That Complicated"