This topic contains 254 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by joan 5 years, 8 months ago.
January 13, 2017 at 2:27 pm #592413
I totally get the OP’s situation.
In my personal/professional life I am direct and take charge, and I had to learn in my dating life to chill the eff out and just let the man lead. And to not care when he doesn’t. It’s a hard balance to strike and took a TON of practice. I think that the OP was just asking for some language to use as an exit strategy now that she knows he is not in it for the same reason she is.
It becomes complicated when we get excited, go on a date, the person acts totally into us, then disappears or stands us up or whatever, so we go in a different direction only for them to come back, but then not come back to match the purpose we have (that they are well aware of), but just for their own sh!ts and giggles. Dating is CONFUSING now more than ever and I think if we tried to empower women to walk more and sooner that would be helpful. Blaming her is not helpful. Accusing her of feelings we could have no possible way of knowing she has is not helpful. Paint a picture that shows her as empowered, not a picture that shows her as pathetic or whatever you think she is.January 13, 2017 at 3:06 pm #592432
Many did try to empower her to walk.January 13, 2017 at 3:17 pm #592434
It’s so interesting to watch how people interpret information.
The girl kept insisting that she didn’t care about this guy nor did she really want a relationship. Yet she went on and on and on about him. If you don’t care, you don’t do that so it was the lady protests too much. Some people here can be a bit snarky in their delivery, that is true. But they have good points.
Georgia it really isn’t that hard and it doesn’t take a ton of practice. Why make ANYTHING that painful and difficult? It’s only that way as long as you keep buying that story. Empowering someone is showing them that they can make a different choice in a nanosecond and stop hurting. What’s hurting you is NOT the situation, it’s the way you are interpreting it. That can change in the blink of an eye, unless you believe you are getting something you think is more valuable by staying in the victims mode.
I’m going to say it again – any situation is totally neutral. You are creating stress or upset by your interpretation of it. Someone’s behavior is about them not you. Someone mentioned Byron Katie. When you do her enquiry process you an shift thing that are bothering you in a few minutes.
Insisting that the OP was bullied is not empowering. You are only bullied if you accept being bullied. No one bullies me; I don’t accept that treatment or that one-down role.January 13, 2017 at 3:26 pm #592436
Helen: I agree with you that the OP was not bullied. That word is overused. I’m just suggesting a little more kindness. And maybe being gentle in how to share perspective. And not just on this post, but throughout. I mean, if someone is obviously a troll, then whatever. But when someone is clearly not trolling, it doesn’t help to put that person down. (I don’t think you did that btw). Admittedly, I did not read every post because I have a life and taking the time to read 250 posts is not what I’d consider part of it!
What I disagree with you about: just because something is easy for you doesn’t mean it is easy for others. Some people may come from backgrounds of abuse, addiction, etc. and many times their perspectives are not powerful. Granted, if someone is that wounded they probably should not be dating, but holy hell, that hasn’t stopped people from the start of time, so I’m not naive enough to think it will now. It took me a long time to overcome my shyness and become direct. Now I know that all there is is honesty and that if I don’t operate from a place of honesty then it overcomplicates things (and I do agree that many overcomplicate things and am interested in this Byron Katie shift you mentioned).
And I respect that you do not accept being bullied. You’re so much further ahead of so many others. Again, though, just because you’re at point X on a path doesn’t mean you can expect someone else to 1) know how to get to point X from where they are and 2) even realize that there is a point X. Everyone’s paths are different and, sadly, not everyone can be as strong.
I like your positivity, though.January 13, 2017 at 3:44 pm #592439
Katie Bryon theory is this: people create misery for themselves by insisting things should be a certain way-rather then that they just are and changing/shifting our attitude can help us accept the thing and even see the lesson to be learned from it. The author had gone through terrible stress (her daughter was a drug addict)and she learned to question her belief that her daughter should be anything other than it was apparent she was-an addict etc.