Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › What is the best way to handle this with dignity and class?
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joan.
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sophie
Tallspicy, I have absolutely nothing, even with hindsight that I need to learn or adjust.
1. I met a guy on a dating site.
2. I got to know him for a couple of weeks, asked all the right questions and made sure he knew my expectations and I knew his. We matched on all our views and we both said we wanted to date and have a relationship.
3. We had a first date, he took me to a lovely dinner. Was kind, a gentleman, open, attentive and we had a great time. He booked a second date for a few days later.
4. We had a lovely second date, and we had sex, before which I expressed by thoughts and views on sex to which he agreed.
5. By the third date, he had explained he did not want exclusivity or a relationship.
6. The moment he expressed that, I ended the relationship and did not date or see him again.
7. I continued to speak to him in a friendly way with no major hard feelings.
There is absolutely nothing in that which I would do differently with hindsight. I was told one thing, and I got another. I am not calling myself a victim, I am simply saying HE LIED. That is fact, not opinion. As soon as I knew he lied, I WALKED AWAY.
I have GREAT boundaries.
I had a GREAT response to the situation.
What you seem to be saying is the problem here is that I did not ANTICIPATE or even expect him to be lying. I am sorry Tallspicy – but I don’t make the assumption men are lying to me, and I never will.
This is not a character flaw in me, or something I need therapy for. It is simply that I expect and anticipate honesty from people and provided actions are matching up with words at the time – if someone says something, I assume it is true.
Had he been telling me he wanted a relationship with me and not ACTING like that, then sure, I might have thought, “oh wow, this guy is so full of it”, but the fact was it seemed and felt true.
He was calling me every day. He was interested in me, my life, my family, my history and asking lots of questions and talking about himself. He was attentive, consistent, a gentleman and he wanted to take me on nice dates and did not want to come up to my place after the first date because he said he didn’t want to embarrass himself and spoil things by trying it on with me. he seemed great Tallspicy!!!
the fact that he did a total 180 turn on me is actually NOT my fault. Nothing I did or said could have changed that, and if I had gone into it expecting that then i would not have enjoyed dating very much at all!
sophie
Tallspicy….this was our messages before I dated him.
YES! he is a TOTAL JERK!!! he knew exactly how I felt about this, and he played a role to get me into bed. Yes, I know this happens but it doesn’t make it right.
05/11/2016, 11:38 pm – Sophie: I’m more interested now in the whole package, in terms of someone I want to spend time with, so the idea of anything casual isn’t something I would be interested in.
05/11/2016, 11:40 pm – Jack: I have only had one very long relationship, so did not have much casual sex at all when I was younger. After we split it opened my eyes a but I don’t sleep with many women.
05/11/2016, 11:42 pm – Sophie: Tinder is a bit like a magazine of people, and I don’t really go for that disposable sex culture. For me it has to be about two people getting to know each other one-on-one.
05/11/2016, 11:42 pm – Jack: Yes, and sex between two people who really enjoy it is so pleasurable.
05/11/2016, 11:43 pm – Sophie: Yes it is
05/11/2016, 11:43 pm – Sophie: But are you in the sort of place where you think you want to be single? Play the field. Sorry to ask, but Tinder is often full of people in that headspace
05/11/2016, 11:44 pm – Jack: I would rather be single than be in a bad relationship. But my preference would be to have a girlfriend.
05/11/2016, 11:44 pm – Sophie: Ok, thats about the same as me thenJenae
Sophie – you point the finger and there are three pointing back at you. If anything in your last post were true, you wouldn’t even be here, you wouldn’t have even gotten this man in your life and even if you had, you wouldn’t have gotten this caught up in a trauma drama over it. But I still say this really isn’t about him at all.
Online dating is a numbers game and you need to have a thick skin to do it. In my experience most men there are damaged. You have to be able and willing to spot their stuff up front and walk away without getting so angry, which ultimately binds you to the situation and guarantees you will get more of the same. It’s a big world, people do all kinds of things and the only thing you have control over is your response to it. If you want only the world according to Sophie then you are going to spend your life upset a lot of the time.
It’s a shame you are agreeing with only the people who agree with you and not paying more attention to those with a different view. I hope you feel better today. I’ve said all I can on this thread. Best wishes.
sophie
then this was the conversation when he told me he did not want to do exclusive…
03/12/2016, 10:38 am – Sophie: Jack, I genuinely did not think that you intended to date and sleep with me while dating /sleeping with other people. To me that’s ridiculous. What woman wants to do that?
03/12/2016, 10:44 am – Jack : I completely respect how you feel about things now. For me, I don’t think you have sex once and say, ok you’ve tried it, do you want to date exclusively. You spend time together, doing whatever you want to do, and see how you feel about things. If you both like it, you can agree to date exclusively. If you are comfortable with this, it allows space to explore your feelings.
03/12/2016, 10:45 am – Sophie: Okay, I agree with you that works and totally respect and understand how you feel; but that non-exclusive dating only works or is appropriate if you are not having sex. Casual dating is fine. Casual sex is not.
03/12/2016, 11:00 am – Jack : I don’t think I have casual sex. I understand how you feel, but I don’t think it’s me. I have quite a lot of free time, and I want to be happy. Prematurely emotionally intense relationships don’t feel right for me. I have to give things time to grow or not. I don’t want to see you just because I didn’t like being on my own at home and you aren’t happy with me seeing anyone else. It’s not healthy for me.
03/12/2016, 11:04 am – Sophie: I am happy for you to see other people but not to be sleeping with me while at the same time. So we can date casually and do a few things together, but not with sex unless we are exclusive.
03/12/2016, 11:05 am – Jack : Well, it’s a big change and quite precipitous compared to what we have been doing.
03/12/2016, 11:06 am – Sophie: Okay, well, we can cancel tonight if you’d prefer.
03/12/2016, 11:07 am – Jack : Shall we take a bit of time to reflect and see how we feel about tonight? I was really looking forward to it.
03/12/2016, 11:07 am – Sophie: Yes that’s fine
Jenae
Still blaming it all on him???? SMH. You are totally delusional about this incident and apparently nothing anyone says is going to sink in with you. So this thread with him you copied constituted a contract that he would treat you a certain way, and that based on this he lied to get you into bed knowing perfectly well he’d dump you right after?
All that happened was you two went out three times, had sex on the second date by mutual agreement and he decided he was not going to pursue a relationship with you for whatever his reasons are. That’s all that happened. The rest is your projection.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Stop online dating, now. You can’t handle it honey.
Jenae
Was this second post of dialogue supposed to prove he’s a bad person and a jerk? Because you just proved the opposite. What you’ve shown is men are from Mars and women are from Venus. LOL.
sophie
So as you can read:
1. At the time before we dated and had sex he knew I didn’t do casual sex and wanted a relationship and he said he was looking for the same.
2. After we had sex he sprung on me that he did not / would not do exclusive because he told me it was “too intense” for him emotionally.
So maybe if you actually put yourself in my shoes – yes – I did think he was a commitment phobe, because it seemed odd that he seemed so into me and yet so panicked by the idea of just sleeping with one person, and that he needed to get to know people slowly to let his guard down. THAT was why I was friendly and understanding with him.
And maybe you can also see why I was so shocked that he said after 7 – 8 hours together he knew I was not girlfriend material, when he had said the total opposite “I need to get to know people slowly” when he was trying to sleep with me.
He just contradicted himself the entire time.
Anyway, Janae, everything in my posts is true. What would be the actual point of going to an anoymous forum for help and not telling the truth? What a totally weird thing to say!
sophie
OMG Janea
Wow.
Are yuo actually serious?
No, I do not think it constitutes a contract. I think it constitutes what I thought was an honest and open conversation about boundaries between two adults.
It constitutes proof of nothing, other than an illustration that he was contradictary and I was doing my best to make choices based on the information I was given at the time.
Jenae
ROTFL… no, the real question is are you serious, posting all of this stuff??
Have a nice day.
sophie
Janae that is NOT what happened!!!!
He told me he did not have sex with a lot of women.
Then he told me he did, that he wanted sex with alternate women on different weekends.
He told me he wanted a girlfriend.
Then he told me he didn’t want a relationship because he enjoyed variety too much.
Then he told me he did want a relationship, but not with me.
He told me he liked to take his time and get to know people slowly to know how he felt and asked me to continue sleeping with him so he could “spend time slowly” getting to know me.
Then he told me after 8 hours with me he knew how he felt and that there was no potential for a relationship, when he had said the TOTAL opposite.
This is not someone who went on a few dates and decided not to pursue a relationship with me. Not that AT ALL. This is a person who lied and twisted reality to get into my underpants. This is a person who slept with me after our second date under the pretence of wanting a relationship with me and then immediately turned it around. this is a person who pretended his emotions were delicate and he was afraid of too much intensity as an excuse to sleep with me when he knew he had no interest in a relationship. And he is a person who asked for my time / friendship after it was given to him after all this and used it to try and flirt with me /get into my pants again and ultimately tell me I wasn’t good enough for him in some way right after I had a major bereavement.
Why do you not get this?
you are determinded to twist this around to make me feel like this was my fault.
IT WAS NOT.
I am not even upset about the guy anymore, he means a grand total of nothing to me, but what is upsetting me is you people!!!
nis behavior was actually disgusting…
Lane
Sophie, I truly don’t understand why you feel so miffed? You didn’t know this guy at all, all you had were some flowery words without having anything to validate or substantiate it which a man does with ACTION…the right formula is WORDS + ACTIONS = TRUTH. It takes TIME to determine if a man is of good character or not. Consistent words and actions over a period of TIME, at least 3 – 4 months will tell you if he is or isn’t.
You are way too trusting and gullible which is a boundary issue (life skill) you need to work on in order to avoid these pitfalls in the future…this is the essence of what the ladies are trying to tell you but refuse to acknowledge.
Have you learned anything from this experience at all? It doesn’t appear to be the case as you refuse to take any responsibility or accountability for your part and role (believing a stranger) in this yet still feel compelled to end it “with dignity” when he lied and conned you? This is the part I’m struggling to understand about you? Your angry at the wrong people IMO.
Janet
He thought the sex was sh*t – that’s my take.
sophie
Lane, I am so upset because my friend just died. As I said, this has magnified my anger. I am also upsetby the people on here telling me this is my own fault.
It wasn’t.
I don’t see anyone here telling me I am too trusting, but yes, I definitely am. Always have been in every situation.
Learned anything from this experience?
No. I don’t think there was a single thing in hindsight that I could have done to have prevented it.
I could have perhaps been less shocked by it if I had anticipated that people can behave this badly – but that’s just being cynical.
I am sure if I went to a therapist and said “hey I am not cynical and I assume people I am dating are telling me the truth” that the therapist would give me my money back and tell me to go home and not change
If someone wants to lie and trick you, they are gonna do it.
Doesn’t mean you have to expect people to go to such lengths to use you.
Jamie
Sophie, I would not continue with this thread. You are not getting the support you are seeking. I’m sitting here eating oatmeal and I almost choked when I read the line “you are pointing the finger at him and you have three fingers pointing back at you.” WHAT. THE. HECK.
These women are not here to be a support system for you. They are here to demean posters and make them feel even more like crap.
I’m so sorry this was your experience on here. If it makes you feel any better, I posted about my boss accidentally clicking on a porn video when I was in his office, and half told me I was a liar, the other half told me it was my fault, (Jen was one of them) and only one or two actually said anything of substance. (Phillygirl, to give credit where it is due).
I was talking to our web guy because we’d been having issues with viruses and I told him I sometimes go on this site while at work and asked him if it could be causing an issue. His response was “Don’t go on that site! Not because it’s bad for the computer. It’s just bad. The advice on there is horrible. The women on there are mean. I’ve been on there.”
It’s sad because so many posters need support and that was why this forum was established.
sophie
I don’t think he would have been trying so hard to have it again and going on about how great the sex was if that was true Janet.
My take is this:
He is a man-baby with severe emotional issues. He’s 47, never married, had one relationship in his life that was exclusive, never been in love, spends all his time on Tinder, thinks because he was a dork /geeky as a boy and younger man and never got any sex that he is the big man now he has access to sex with beautiful women and he plays out his insecurity and inability to attach by using human beings to make himself fill the emptiness inside him with sex.
I think he avoids closeness with other people, because he is deeply insecure about himself, and deeply afraid of being vulnerable. Men like this love to chase women, and then panic when they catch them.
Sonora
Sophie, you are really mixed up and no one is criticizing you. Fault/blame and responsibility are two different things. This isn’t about fault, this is about your complete unwillingness to take any responsibility for your part of what happened with this man.
A therapist would do you good… because they would explain that you can’t assume anything about people and that taking the word of a man who you met online and sleeping with him that fast isn’t a strategy for getting into a happy, long term relationship.
You are blowing all of this way out of proportion. Take a time out from posting here and go deal with the death of your friend and I think it would be wise for you to discontinue online dating. It’s not for you, you aren’t equipped to handle the stuff that comes with it.
Anonymous
Jamie, are you the girl at work that Mike f***ed???? You’re another one who is overly sensitive to taking real advice. “Support” isn’t agreeing with everything someone says and agreeing that it is all the bad man’s fault!
Anonymous
OK Sophie so you know what he is. Then you can stop posting here about this and go deal with your real issues!!!!
Jamie
*Eye roll*
See what I mean? Don’t even bother.
Trolls.Anonymous
It’s so much fun to jerk your chain Jamie. YOu’re as self righteous as the OP.
Anonymous
For some people “troll” = someone with a different viewpoint.
sophie
Thanks Jamie…I agree with you. A lot of the people here are genuinely strange.
Senora, no, I take absolutely no part whatsoever in what happened here. Zip. Zero. Nada. None. Nor should I, nor should anyone in the same position.
I think people on here say a lot of incredibly dumb things.
You know I have a friend who was a totally loyal wife, really loved her husband, and then he slept with a girl at work and ran off with her. Some person said to her, “it takes two people to end a marriage”, and I remember thinking back to how monumentally a dumb thing that is to say. Because it doesn’t take two people to end a marriage. It takes one person to do it.
It also takes one person to do what this guy did, and I played zero part in it.
I’d be really interested what you think I need therapy for? Please give me details of what you feel my psychological problems are that would be best supported by a mental health professional?
“I think you should get therapy sweetie”. It seems like such a kind and supportive way to sign off on your judgemental, nonsensical posts to make yourself appear wise, loving and giving. In reality it is an extra specially way to be bitchy are being the reverse.
Here are the facts for the mean girls brigade.
1. I do not need therapy. I am emotionally healthy. He does need therapy because he is not.
2. I should not stay away from online dating. I am dating the right way. He should.
The mere insinuation that a person who approaches dating with honesty, good boundaries and a genuine desire to make “DATING” connections just as her profile says is the person who is not ready or needs psychological help is beyond ludicrous.
The person who is not able to make human attachments, the person who is not able to tell the truth and uses dating websites to lie to genuine people…THIS is who needs to stay away.
You people have some serious, serious issues with distinguishing right from wrong and the way you speak to people. what you should be posting here is something on the lines of “what a jerk, so sorry you had a bad dating experience, that guy should get therapy, don’t let him get to you he means nothing and so sorry about your friend”. Instead you are actually over and over and over again accusing me of being the one with an issue.
OMFG!!!!
L
For all of those who state the OP is not getting the support she deserves here you should really look into the “consequences” of putting your business out in the open. Especially in a forum where many women have had different life experiences and outcomes from their actions are just sharing that.
I don’t think anyone here is trying to purposely hurt, degrade or abuse the OP. It is simply providing an opinion….advice is not always what you want to hear. Same thing occurs when you speak to a friend or family member. Some will be blunt and honest others will be supportive and understanding. It is what you sign up for when you put your “issues” on display in a public forum.
It is obvious Sophie that you are a stubborn person and only want to see what you want to see. Same thing that occurred with your man friend is happening here. Do yourself a huge favor and take time to reflect on what matters most…is the so called deception from this guy more important than taking care of yourself emotionally? You suffered a loss this week and unfortunately you also had to deal with someone who was blunt and hurtful in his words. However, take from him what you want…. you continue to say you had no real interest in this man to begin with yet when he hurt you with words your emotions sprung into full gear! I believe it is a matter of trying to prove a point with you…you want to continue speaking to him to prove him wrong ….that you are GF material and then you would probably dump him!! If you think that this guy deserves this much of your energy then I think you have bigger issues to deal with.
Kim
Wow, Sophie. The more you share the crazier you look.
He didn’t say anywhere in those texts he wanted a relationship with you! In fact he was clear that it would be foolish to ask someone to be exclusive after only a few dates and not really knowing them.
I cang believe you got through life being this naive. But guess what? You will never go through life NOT meeting a person that hurts you from time to time. That’s because you can either have false expectations or truly meet someone who you over estimated their interest in you.
I find it funny you keep blaming your anger on the death of your friend, but have spent probably hours posting this guys text conversations and trying to justify your situation,
I feel sorry for you because you do t take feedback well and you insult people who are giving you great advice, even Jamie who likes to put down others on here as mean, shared a story, but apparently that didn’t resonate either and I can now see why this guy wants to run for the hills from any kind of real relationship with you.
He said you were too intense. And that’s exactly how you come across on here. The intensity and magnitude of thinking that a man would be exclusive with you after a few weeks of texting and a few dates is beyond ridiculous. And he even told you this in the text message you shared.
You created in your mind what you wanted to hear from this man, and twisted what he said to meet what you wanted. He said he liked sex with someone he was into and was open to a relationship. He said he wanted to get to know you more. He n very said he wanted a relationship with YOu.
And in fact,you did what most women do and freak out after having early sex! This does resonate like a Mike post, doesn’t it? Good luck with your life. If this is the worse dating exoeri nice you have ever had, consider yourself fortunate. Because worse things happen, and it’s not just to women you label as bitter. But those same ‘bitter’ women are much wiser than you.. so there you have it.
Jamie
Oh sure.
Keep on believing that.
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