What is the best way to handle this with dignity and class?


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This topic contains 254 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  joan 4 years, 8 months ago.

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  • #590006 Reply

    Khadija

    Block and delete please

    Don’t waste your precious time trying to think of something witty to say to this guy.

    He is one opinion, the most important opinion is the one you have of yourself. Your ego is getting in the way. In life some guys will simply say no thanks and that doesn’t make you any less.

    #590007 Reply

    jen

    He’s NOT an ex!!! You had 3 dates with him LOL… and if you feel that its fine to keep talking, why did you ask your question and look for advice on how to handle this with ‘dignity and class?’

    You have no dignity because you carry on with a man who threw it in your face he doesn’t see YOU as relationship material. But you continue to pass time with him, because you do so with all your ‘exes’

    What do you want advice on again???

    If you are ok with wasting time chatting – then go for it.
    But you know as well as I do, the reason you do this, is because he broke your ego and you HOPE that by continuing on, he might change his mind. I see no other reason why you would be making such a big deal and asking for advice, if you simply wanted to keep him around as a text buddy.

    #590013 Reply

    Sophie

    Jen, I am sorry you are completely wrong.

    1. I view anyone I dated as an ex. It is shorter than typing “someone I dated once”. No need for your LOLs

    2. I have not “carried on with” him in any way whatsoever – I have refused all his advances and refused him anything other than friendship.

    3. As my post CLEARLY stated, I was fine being friends with him when he admitted that the package he was offering was not for everyone and that he had issues being exclusive, I am no longer fine now he is trying to twist his story.

    I talk to looooooots of people. I assure you it is not because I want to marry them.

    Your posts are really demeaning – are you aware of that? You seem to have a really low opinion of women that you judge them for being kind /understanding / open to friendships and able to part of good terms with someone they dated. I generally do not feel the need to block and delete everyone I date where it does not work out – I actually have quite a few incredibly good friends made that way.

    You seem to glorify men who behave like idiots and condemn the women who give them the benefit of the doubt as being classless and undignified. Maybe rethink your own standards honey.

    I think men who behave like this are PATHETIC, and women who condone is and try and blame to other women for the clearly moronic, shallow, adolescent and dysfunctional behavior of emotionally unavailable clowns are worse.

    Expect a little more from men, I think!

    Trust me, this behavior is not actually normal. Most grown adult men who say they want a relationship and pursue you follow up by acting like they want a relationship. This type of man has issues up the wazoo. A therapist would be there for years and not uncover his Mommy issues

    And that’s fine – go ahead – have issues. I bear no ill will. But don;t contact me months after the fact and tell me I was not relationship material. Seems to be a pretty slimeball manoeuvre.

    #590014 Reply

    Nat

    Ladies, it is ok for a girl to feel hurt for being toyed with. He clearly toyed with her. I don’t want a relationship with YOU, I want to sleep with many women at once, but oh you are so beautiful, so fun, I am flirting with you, and flirting, and I want to talk to you and talk to you again and again and make you feel like I am actually interested”. C’mon. Who would like that? Her pride did take a hit, wouldn’t yours? It is natural to feel offended by all this. He was entrapping her a little. if you don’t want a relationship, don’t flirt. She ended things with him but he continued and insisted. Yes, it is true, she shouldn’t have talked to him after that, but it is a minor fault. The initiative came from him and all his “explanations” how she is not a GF material were offensive and manipulative BECAUSE he continued to flirt.

    I say it again, Sophie, do not be concerned about class and dignity. Men like him WILL feel offended by being cut off. The shorter the cut off message the harder his pride will get pinched. Do not bother explaining anything to him. Just say “I am not interested anymore, I wish you well” and NEVER reply again.

    #590016 Reply

    L

    Sophie the women here make very valid points. You are putting way too much thought into this guy and the fact that you continue to respond to his messages is an indication that you still very much are not over him. He is not a friend or an ex you had 3 dates…I have had 2-3 dates with guys who I cut contact once I realize nothing more is coming out of it. They were not an ex they were not a friend!!!!

    Your situation is very similar to a friend of mine. She dated a guy for a few weeks they slept together….he vanished after a couple of nights together. A few weeks later she contacts him to see how he is..he admits he became involved with someone else but the girl wanted a serious relationship too soon. So he broke it off….since then he and my friend have been on/off but mostly off. With him saying he isn’t sure what he wants and continues to have a profile online stating he is looking for a good woman. He has told my GF he likes her and is OK with a FWB arrangement..obviously that is not what she wants. Yet she continues to argue that he is a jerk for deceiving women into thinking he wants a relationship when all in honesty he is emotionally unavailable and has no clue what he wants – this is what my friend says. OK well that is his problem not hers and I keep telling her that. I tell her he has clearly told you he wants a FWB if you continue to entertain his texts and calls then that is on you he already pointed out his intentions you can’t ignore that or call him a jerk for telling you his true feelings. Also it is a hurt to the ego because she told me she was hurt when he told her he was dating that other girl his exact words were they were involved but would not make that commitment to my friend. Again, that is your cue to run for the hills. Not everyone is a match and the more you try to decipher what is wrong with him the more time you waste. I keep telling my friend to let go yet she insists that he is attracted to her but is unable to commit to any woman. Well we all thought that about George Clooney didn’t we?????

    #590017 Reply

    Sophie

    Thank you Nat!

    #590018 Reply

    jen

    I don’t understand a word you said.

    I do not glorify bad behavior by men.
    I also don’t reward it by doing what you are doing.

    You are a drama queen, because frankly, if you wanted to end this, you would do so.
    Instead you play the victim of sorts and feel as if he is doing something wrong to you.

    Just stop talking to him. And stop your own drama. This whole thread of yours makes no sense. You had 3 dates with the guy. He is still trying to get in your pants because you continue to talk to him. You are looking like the fool and not him.

    So if you cant figure out how to end this in a ‘classy’ way, then keep on doing what you are doing.

    You can only control what YOU do. I am not condoning anything – I’m telling you to stop acting like some weak victim who cant get out of a difficult situation.

    I bet this man would not think twice if you simply stopped talking with him. You are wrapped up in your own fantasy about all of this. and you didn’t answer my comment about the fact that I believe the reason you carry on so much about this, is because you think if you come up with some witty, class, dignified text, he will view you differently and change his mind.

    #590020 Reply

    jen

    Nat,
    Who’s fault is it that a woman keeps coming back when she felt he toyed with her?

    Three dates is hardly a relationship. He tested you out. You don’t want the same things. Its done. Except you wont let go and move on.

    #590022 Reply

    Sophie

    L -honestly, I don’t think I have ever not responded to someone’s messages in my life. I don’t understand the concept. If I have a clear reason to not want to talk to someone, I tell them politely. Ignoring is not part of my character.

    Don’t get me wrong, I have had lots of guys reject me in the past 20 years dating. It happens in life. This one makes me more angry because he is very manipulative. His language made me feel like there was something wrong with me, and there isn’t. I am happy healthy, prepared for dating and act in ways to facilitate that. He is the one who is a bad prospect for a relationship.

    Also, I was not that into him -whether you believe it or not, but I have been kind, patient, understanding and did not give him hell even though he deserved it, so yeah – messaging me that now seems like a particularly bad thing to do when I was extremely generous with him.

    As for George Clooney, I think he absolutely had commitment issues. He has admitted he did. He didn’t wait for the miraculous one. It was more a great woman, at the right time and he put effort into dating her with respect. He would not have ended up married to her if he had banged her assistant the first week he met her, and no, I don’t think it’s down to the woman being right or not right. It’s down to whether or not someone is ready / willing for mature dating – and if not they should stay away from normal people.

    I will paste the texts below and you will see what I mean. I think it would have offended ANYONE in my position…

    #590023 Reply

    jessica

    Sophie,
    the guy doesn’t sound like he really cares about you very much (despite all his words and flirtation, which are really meaningless) ..so I really don’t think it matters how you end it anyhow. I would just stop texting him back and if he asks why, just tell him point blank.

    I am like you in that I am open to remaining friendly or friends with people I dated, whether it be 1 date or a full blown ltr. I”Dated” a guy for about six months who would do this to me in some form- he would talk about how great I am and how attracted he is to me (and the attraction was there, we had fun together), but then he would say he didn’t want a relationship with me. Now that time has passed, I realize he did have some issues and it had nothing to do with me…. but that doesn’t change the bottom line…he didn’t want a relationship. Best not to precious time. He never came around despite all the time and space I gave him.

    #590025 Reply

    jessica

    Also, who cares if this guy made it sound like you’re the problem? Kind of a jerk thing to say, despite his honesty. If I said that to a guy and he stopped texting me back, I wouldn’t be surprised. He shouldn’t be surprised if he stops hearing from you.

    #590030 Reply

    Sophie

    This was what he said. I think if someone said that to you that it would probably hurt anyone’s feelings and it was totally uncalled for.

    04/01/2017, 10:37 pm – Jack: Hello, did you have a good day? Are you feeling better?
    04/01/2017, 11.08 pm – Sophie: Hey you. Yeah it was okay and I feel heaps better thanks.
    04/01/2017, 11:08 pm – Jack: did you watch the end of the movie? I haven’t seen it since I was about 17 on a date with this girl. I think she was waiting for me to make a move but I didn’t. I was different then…
    04/01/2017, 11:11 pm – Sophie: shy?
    04/01/2017, 11:12 pm – Jack: Yes and/or under confident.
    04/01/2017, 11:12 pm – Sophie: I think you still are underneath.
    04/01/2017, 11:13 pm – Jack: Yeah but you are always analysing me. It’s one of your things :-)
    04/01/2017, 11:14 pm – Sophie: just roll your eyes and ignore me
    04/01/2017, 11:14 pm – Jack: I am ;-)
    04/01/2017, 11:14 pm – Sophie: I know ;)
    04/01/2017, 11:14 pm – Jack: I just saw a woman on TV with breast implants. I had a GF with those once. Very perky, but a bit unnatural, weird to the touch. Visually quite nice but I prefer your breasts. Best I have seen in my life!
    04/01/2017, 11:13 pm – Sophie: I bet I would have preferred you when you were an under confident teenager ;)
    04/01/2017, 11:14 pm – Jack: Probably. Quite sincere and naive. I’m sorry I have turned into a sex crazed lunatic.
    04/01/2017, 11:15 pm – Sophie: I came to terms with it.
    04/01/2017, 11:16 pm – Jack: I really did like being with you though.
    04/01/2017, 11:17 pm – Sophie: I guess we just differ on what the pursuit of happiness entails specifically.
    04/01/2017, 11:18 pm – Jack: Yes, you don’t enjoy variety as much
    04/01/2017, 11:19 pm – Sophie: Nope.
    04/01/2017, 11:21 pm – Jack: But there’s a lot of stuff I never got to do with you :-(
    04/01/2017, 11:22 pm – Sophie: I guess so! ;)
    04/01/2017, 11:22 pm – Jack: You are teasing me now…
    04/01/2017, 11:22 pm – Sophie: I’m not!
    04/01/2017, 11:22 pm – Jack: I know. You were very clear and fair with me.
    04/01/2017, 11:23 pm – Sophie: we were very civilised ;)
    04/01/2017, 11:23 pm – Jack: Yes, I guess.
    04/01/2017, 11:24 pm – Sophie: Are you upset?
    04/01/2017, 11:26 pm – Jack: Not really. I want you. I often get horny thinking about you. But it is nice you didn’t tell me you hate me, etc. And we are still communicating because that’s what women usually do.
    04/01/2017, 11:27 pm – Sophie: If someone doesn’t want a relationship, they act in ways to reflect that – I think that’s all it is so it’s not something I took that personally.
    04/01/2017, 11:28 pm – Jack: I think i do want a relationship.
    04/01/2017, 11:28 pm – Jack: But for some reason, I don’t see us together. But I like talking to you and want to have sex with you.
    04/01/2017, 11:29 pm – Sophie: Wow. I didn’t realise you meant that
    04/01/2017, 11:30 pm – Jack: Was I insensitive?
    04/01/2017, 11:31 pm – Jack: You are hotter than me anyway
    04/01/2017, 11:36 pm – Sophie: Why was it that you didn’t see us together?
    04/01/2017, 11:52 pm – Jack: I’m not sure… You are quite full on, which is nice in many ways but a bit worrying thinking about a relationship into the future!

    #590031 Reply

    jessica

    Sophie,
    His texts would bother me too… He’s really just reaching for sex, just stop responding to him. I think he’s a bit insensitive anyways. Don’t waste time even trying to think of something good to say back. It won’t change anything. Your ego is taking a hit and that’s all it is. Go date others who see your value or who are a better match for you.

    #590032 Reply

    Sophie

    Thanks Jessica

    #590033 Reply

    jen

    Have you tried therapy?

    That text exchange was him trying to flirt and offer sex ONLY to you.
    When he said he doesn’t see a relationship with you, your cue should have been to say ‘see ya’ but instead, you lowered yourself to ask him WHY? And how could the text have been in April 2017. We are not even on that date yet?

    You got way too invested in a man who clearly only wanted sex from you. I don’t know why you are so obsessed over this other than your ego cant stand the fact he doesn’t want to be with you. You tried to analyze him which is a huge turn off to men. He isn’t shy or insecure. He knows exactly what he wants and doesn’t want.

    I don’t think that you do, otherwise you would have just let this go by now.

    Therapy… because I have seen women get over 3 year relationships where you are stuck after 3 dates and some raunchy texting.

    #590037 Reply

    Sophie

    Jen

    1. I am in Europe Jen, we use different date format. It was yesterday.

    2. I didn’t get invested at all in him. Not even a little. I went out three times and then dumped him for wanting to have sex with other women. I behaved 100% normally. I actually have feelings for someone else but you are so interested in painting a picture that suits your agenda that you twist facts. This is not about me /him romantically – it is about me being angry at someone trying to have sex with me and insulting me when I have been nothing but nice / friendly with him.

    3. As for “letting it go by now”, it happened a few hours ago. So I am sure by tomorrow I will have “let it go”, for now I am really angry.

    4. I didn’t “lower myself” OMG, are you nuts. If someone says they do not see themselves in a relationship with me, I ask why because I am an adult and not afraid to ask that question. Grown adults can have open and honest communication, and in his case he was rude, insensitive and a complete idiot.

    5. I am not “obsessed” with anything – something that happened yesterday can hardly be formed as an obsession.

    6. Maybe therapy for you about why you feel the need to try and put people down when they are upset? Maybe insecurity a bit? My first response when I come across a stranger who is upset /hurt or angry is to try and listen / help / make them feel better. Every post you made has been designed to flame / demean and victim blame. Maybe a long look in the mirror over why you get enjoyment from trying to make other people feel bad?

    What I did invest in, was time speaking to him as a friend. I don’t what people do or do not find a turn off. I am myself…there are plenty of people that do want relationships with me that don’t require me to be anyone else to please them.

    #590038 Reply

    Miss

    Reading that text he sounds insecure and not very bright LOL
    I wonder if that kind of texting ever gets him anywhere

    #590039 Reply

    Sara

    Sophie,
    My comment is in response to the conversation you posted, though I read the whole thread.

    Yes you are correct, he just wants a FWB. From your previous comments, it seemed like you did not like or appreciate how he keeps flirting with you, given that he doesn’t want a relationship. From this conversation, you were going along with his flirting (and what he said was strongly sexual too), so he probaby thinks you’re ok with that. If someone was uncomfortable, it’s best to just directly say that you’re uncomfortable. After if he doesn’t stop, he’s not respecting you. Just something to note with future people.

    How to deal with this? I would send him a text saying that you want to place your energy into someone who wants a relationship with you and that you would like for contact to stop between you too. Then delete his number, and you wouldn’t have to reply to anymore texts.

    #590040 Reply

    Peggy

    Sophie-Me thinks you protest too much.

    #590041 Reply

    C

    You’ve been dating for 20 YEARS but there’s nothing wrong with YOU? Obviously…

    #590042 Reply

    jen

    ” Knowing that he thinks there is something fundamentally “not girlfriend material” about me specifically actually makes me feel bad and I kind of don’t want to speak to anyone who feels that way about me.”

    Your ego got hurt. Who cares if he doesn’t see you as GF material? Three dates is not stringing you along. It is called dating and while he liked you enough to chat and have sex, he doesn’t like your overall intensity. And I can see why – because you are way intense on here about something that is so simple.

    If someone doesn’t want to be with you, why choose to be his friend? That’s your fault. You allowed him to remain in your life and then reaffirm not once, but twice that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me….

    #590044 Reply

    Sophie

    Thanks Sara, that is a very good way to phrase it.

    I think I feel dumb for being polite and nice to someone who did not return the favour, and a close friend also passed away which was why he was asking if I felt better. It is SO insensitive to say that to me when I was going through something tough.

    I knew he only wanted a FWB but was fine with that – each to their own and that was why I walked away the minute I knew that. I just resented him insulting me along with it.

    I mean, does he expect me to believe every single woman for the past 30 years has been so flawed in some way. It seems almost unbelievable that he doesn’t realise maybe he is the problem.

    He is insecure and perhaps even a bit socially challenged, but is hyper intelligent. He is the most educated person I ever met, which was the ONLY reason I dated him because he is NOT handsome or even funny!

    But he has only had a relationship with one woman in his life! you know…he is nearly 47 so that is no small thing (I am 10 years younger)

    #590045 Reply

    jessica

    Sophie,
    I get where you are coming from. I’ll take your word that you are not overly invested or upset over this guy…maybe you are just simply using this forum as a way to chat about the incident?

    Anyway, as far as a response goes….I think not responding back at all is way more powerful than anything you could say. Otherwise, you run the risk of sounding overly emotional and he won’t absorb what you have said or he could misinterpret…then I think you would lose your dignity. His last text doesn’t require a response either. If you feel the need to say anything at all, I would say as Sara ^ said.

    #590046 Reply

    Sophie

    C -in that 20 years, I have had multiple relationships that were close, loving and wonderful. Also multiple relationships that were short but generous. Also many disastrous ones that were learning experiences. And I was neatly married,m but he sadly died. So I have a normal / healthy dating history and the ability to connect to people. I am capable of close emotional attachments and a variety of relationships. He is not. That was my point.

    Jen -I am sorry I am not going to read your posts anymore. You’re not helping, and I had a really, really bad week and I am genuinely upset!

    #590047 Reply

    Tallspicy

    You do need therapy. You are:

    A. Way over invested in someone for 3 dates
    B. Refer to 3 dates as an ex of some form
    C are still blathering on about this
    D asked a man who approached you for sex why he does not want a relationship, and therefore do not understand getting good feedback vs bad
    E broke up with him? He was not even dating you. There is no dump, just a partingredients of incompatible ways

    How a healthy person behaves:
    A. Does not invest in 3 dates
    B. Stops interacting with people who do not serve their wants and needs, and never asks for their opinion
    C. Does not go on and on about someone who was three dates
    D. Never considers them an ex because they were barely an acquaintance
    E. Is minorl disappointed it did not work out and moves on.

    I used to be just like you with a lot of bull crap excuses about why I was over invested, aND I went to therapy and things like this are a small bummer and not a drama.

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